Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 690: Thicc Frizz with Niccole Thurman

Episode Date: June 3, 2021

Niccole Thurman (Shrill, The Opposition w/ Jordan Klepper) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of the amazing accomplishments of kids that infuriated Jesse growing up, how Jordan hung on to paleontology as a dream job for a little too long, and how well the famous hunks of the 90's have aged. This is the last week to let Jordan know about your independent book store pre-order of Bubble for a shoutout on the show! 

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan? Hmm? Went to the flea market this morning, I'm very proud of myself, you know why? Why?

I got that clothing rack on top of my car. Like to transport clothing? Like you've attached a special rack to the car? Oh, my God. That's the new thing that I'm doing. Yes. I'm gluing a clothing rack on top of my car and driving around like a retail store. Like a cross between a retail store and one of those dinosaurs with the sail fin.

Like just a JCPenney that scoots around town. Oh, I love it. No, I bought a giant clothing rack and I thought I could get it into the back of my, I drive a station wagon, Jordan. You know this, but the audience might not know this. They could probably tell from my tone of voice. But I tried to fit it in the back of the station wagon, but it was much too big. So I spent, I'm going to say, 15, 20 minutes bungee cording it to the top of my car. So you had bungees on hand? I always travel with bungees, 1000%. Some people say always keep emergency blankets in your car. Always keep flares in your car.

I don't have any of those things. Just bungee cords. Well, if you get in trouble, just start shooting the bungees, flinging them like rubber bands up in the air. Someone will see them. Yes. Follow that bungee, they'll say. If a fucking bear comes, takeop-shoo, kick that. Asshole.

Hate bears. As a kid, I had a real love-hate relationship with bungees because I, as a fidgety person, bungee, insanely, insanely satisfying to play with. It's so fun to fidget with. I mean, this was in the days before fidget spinners. Yeah. Nothing spun at the time.

We didn't have all the fidget toys that all these kids used 10 years ago and haven't talked about in a while. With their learning differences. And we had physical media. You had to go to the record store. MTV played videos. Poured in the woods. All the dumb shit that people can't stop talking about. Shut up, us.

Anyway. Sorry, I don't know about those things. I only read books. I watch some documentaries on Netflix. Some documentaries on Netflix. Yeah. Yeah, I loved to like sproing the bungees. I loved to connect the little ends.

Sproing the bungees. That was a great, that was like a sort of spiritual sequel to Empire the little ends. Sprawling the bungees. That was a great, that was like a sort of spiritual sequel to Empire Records. Yeah. I was going to say a beloved 70s British sketch comedy show, but I think yours works too.

Yeah, great. Audience, get to work photoshopping posters for both those options. Don't just sit here passively listening to the podcast start photoshopping something literally dozens of people are waiting to see your work um so yeah but i was always but i always when i would sproing the bungees then i would have the notion that i was going to sproing them too hard and i was going to hook my own eye out. And maybe that's why I wanted to sproing them so much.

It was kind of a forbidden fruit thing. A lot of people, Jordan, a lot of people don't know, but that is actually what made bungee jumping an extreme sport. A lot of people think it's because they were jumping off of bridges, but it's because they might accidentally sproing a hook into their eye. Yeah, that was, hey, you know, it was the 90s. I grabbed an older couple who were getting off the elevator of the parking structure at the flea market. And I said, excuse me, folks, I'm sorry to bother you.

I have this clothing rack on top of my car, and i'm not sure whether it's going to be too tall can you watch it while i back very slowly out of my parking spot and tell me if it's going to hit the top of the parking structure they to their credit, agreed immediately. That is the fraternity of the flea market shopper. They will steal anything out of your cart, but they will help you in any way. So I backed up more slowly than you could possibly imagine. And Jordan, there was not clearance. Oh my jordan there was not clearance oh my gosh there was

not clearance what clearance what was i to do what was i to do and i'm gonna be frank the husband of this older couple very scolding took a very scolding tone with me that i would suggest that i could have gotten out of the parking structure with that thing on top of my car. And I look, I didn't have time or frankly, the inclination to explain to him that, yeah, of course it wouldn't fit when it was straight up and down, but I put it sideways. So I thought I had a pretty good shot. Well, I mean, in his defense, I thought I had a pretty good shot. Well, I mean, in his defense, you fucked up, so.

Wow, Jordan. Okay, Boomer. What are you, a member of an older couple now? Wait, are you doing your impression of your favorite character from the movie Sproing the Bungie? Yes. Yeah, yeah, right. That's Feldman, and he's sitting on the couch high the whole movie, but then has one fucking killer line at the end.

Why does Feldman never come out of the storage room at the record store? Dude's blazing in there. So I had to undo all the bungees, and I'm trying to think of what to do. I'm like, am I going to tie this? How many bungees are we talking? How many bungees are you undoing? Two sets of bungees and i'm trying to think of what to do i'm like am i gonna tie this how many bungees we talking how many bungees are you doing two sets of bungees two full i've been twice to auto zone and bought a bungee of bungees one unit of bungees so i'm gonna say overall each bungee

of bungee constitutes roughly 18 bungees so i'm to say I had about 36 bungees on this thing. Because you don't want it going somewhere while you're flying down the 710 freeway. No way. From Long Beach. So, or frankly, any other freeway. But particularly the 710 freeway, Jordan. 134 might be kind of fun. That could be.

Look, if you're on the 110, the Arroyo Seco Parkway, yeah, go wild. People are already basically in a ski slalom. Okay, so the man of this older couple, he says, you're going to want to take that downstairs and put it on top of your car there. I said, yes. I said, I'll put this on the elevator. I said, thank you so much for your help. I'm going to bring this over to the elevator and leave it down there. He says, somebody's going to take it. I say, I don't think anyone wants to take

half a clothing rack, half the rack fit in my car. He says, honey, open up the back of the van. Let's see if we can get it in there. Yeah, that's right. This scolding older man, who I was fully prepared to okay boomer, which is what us teens do when we meet one of these oldsters. I did a TikTok dance the whole nine yards. Complained about fidget spinners?

No. Did a fidget spinner what character am i in this anecdote uh we'll lose the thread just bring it home just bring it home anyway i came out of the back of the record store and i was followed by a cloud of smoke right um i uh he put it in the back of his van brought it it down for me. Then I loaded that thing back on top, got on the 710 freeway. Not to brag, but I got a gorgeous new clothing rack now. That's great. And I mean, I think we now know why they're known as the greatest generation.

Yeah, that is so true. Our guest on the program this week, you've seen her on Shrill, on Kenan, as a correspondent on The Opposition with Jordan Klepper. Nicole Thurman. Hi, Nicole. How are you? Hello. I'm good. How are you? I'm great. I love a guest who comes on the show with a professional microphone. Oh, yeah. You know, I realized that during this pandemic, I was like, I just got to go for it. I'm just going to invest in a nice microphone. So I asked everybody online, like, what is the best one and i said this guy yeah now look at me i look like a professional i have to say i i'm the host of an npr interview program and the

number of publicists we have tried and failed to convince to buy a decent microphone for their extremely rich and famous guest cannot be counted on your hands and feet. Like, we will be talking to the publicist for Tina Fey. She's about to do 40 radio interviews for a new show. And they're like, Tina wants to use the built-in microphone on her Tandy 6600. And yeah, they absolutely cannot be convinced.

I'm glad that you're ahead of the game, Nicole. Well, I always know, I mean, there's a whole epidemic, if you will, of people. They'll be like with the shitty cameras, camera work. They'll be shooting themselves from below in the dark. And yeah, they're like famous people doing press for shows and for movies. So you'd think that they would want to look good.

But I don't know. Maybe they just want to be a rebel. They're like, I'm too rich to spend money. That's the thing. If you don't give it to me for free, what's the point of me doing it? Nicole, I'd love to give you another setup compliment. Okay. Thank you.

You helped me with my setup because we were on, you and I were on the Alison Rosen podcast. Yes. I was very self-conscious because everybody in the little Zoom photo, I felt like looked great except me. And I realized like, hey, you know what? This is the world we live in. Time to get a fucking ring light.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You did to get a fucking ring light oh yeah yeah you did and you got a ring light did i send the link i sent a link right you sent a link i got the i'm like she knows what she's talking about i'm just gonna click the link i'm gonna get that exact ring light she mentioned yeah i'll say it i look great you look fantastic i should have noticed that earlier you do look very good it's the th look very good. It's the Thurman ring light. It's the Thurman ring light. Jordan. Thurm light.

We like a Thurm light. Yeah. Use offer code Thurm light. Jordan, this same link clicking policy is what led you to send all your bank account numbers to that Nigerian prince. See, now that's what you get. You can't click on every link. Somebody sends you a link, you click the link.

I should have sent him a link like that. I've been like, and now you have to donate to this fund after you buy the ring light. And it's like the Thurman needs a sandwich fund. Hey, you know what? Hey, if you want a sandwich after suggesting a killer ring light, you should have a sandwich. Okay. I think so, too. I think that's totally fair.

Grab chips and a drink. Make it a combo. Ooh, I get a combo. Okay, great. I like this. This is very fair. Normalize false charities. That's what I say why not why not yes donate to real one donate to fake ones just give your money away who cares nicole as a working actor i imagine you having the like setup with the

mic and the ring light is important for the like world of like self-taping that everyone has to do oh yeah are you doing a lot of that? Oh, yeah. A lot of it. Definitely. I think that's kind of what started it all because also just recording voiceovers from home, I was getting sick of like, I mean, this microphone is okay. You can kind of hear echoing around it, but I was getting sick of like having to have

the exact right perfect setup for it to sound good. So I was like, let me just get a microphone that sounds good without me having to put that much work into it. This one's just like, you just set it up and it's good. And yeah, the lights, everything. I mean, I started this pandemic with like a ring light and that was it. Yeah, that was it. And now I have this new mic, two more lights. Now you have a computer. Now you have a telephone. Computer. I have like a backdrop that I'll put up. I have a refrigerator. I got a microwave that I put my face in at some sometimes just to shoot in there. Yeah, no, it's crazy.

It's definitely gone. Because the longer we're doing this, the more I'm just like, I might as well just give in and get all of the things. So I did. I don't. Now I got the things. Are you excited to go back to going in and auditioning in a you know little office in burbank or whatever yeah to be honest i am it's funny because i used to love cell tapes because i'm super neurotic and i love being able to just take a lot of takes and and send in exactly what i want it to look like

but now i'm like i will i would give anything to sit in front of a casting director who did not give a shit about me you know what i mean just like somebody who was like a terrible reader i don't even care i just don't want to have to do any of this work for myself because once you start doing it over and over again you start to like look at yourself and and then you're like looking at every detail like of what you're doing and you get really like crazy about it at least at least i do and so i'm just getting to the point where i'm nitpicking every single thing about myself and it's making me insane. Do you have a particular type of person that you find yourself surrounded by when you sit in the waiting room of an audition?

Oh, yeah. Let me think. I feel like I always end up sitting next to somebody who knows the next person that comes in after me. Like, I'll come in, someone will sit next to me, and then some motherfucker comes in. And then it's like, oh, my God, me like I'll come in someone will sit next to me and then some motherfucker comes in and then it's like oh my god Andy I'll have you and like also the other person that you always and I always end up

sitting next to is the person who tells you their full resume in the 10 minutes that they're waiting yeah and it's like yeah we all have a resume bro like we all have resumes we've all done a web series we've all been in a web series okay we've all done it we all know Resonize. We've all done a web series. We've all been in a web series. Okay.

We've all done it. We all know, you know, one famous person. Get over it. Yeah. So it's, that's the worst to me though, is the person that's like telling you everything they've done. And you're like, I don't need this. This will, this does nothing for either one of us. I have not auditioned for anything in a long, long time, but I definitely had a, had a period

in my like, you know, life when I was auditioning for anything in a long long time but I definitely had a had a period in my like you know life when I was auditioning for things and I would always feel so bad you know when you're in that room and they're you know casting three or four different things like seeing the child audition across the street and just seeing all these poised well-dressed children oh yeah it's so weird I cannot imagine being a child actor because you see like when they mess up they're beating themselves up outside of the casting office and it's just like damn like i am crazy enough as is as an adult trying to do this i can't imagine my formative years having to you know be perfect under pressure no thank you pass. When I was in my young teens, like my adolescence in middle school, I had a friend named Gabe. And I grew up in the Bay Area where they were at the time, and this was really the golden age of this medium, they were making full audio and full motion video, CD-ROM video games.

CD-ROM video games. And like when I went to arts high school, all of my acting teachers, they all were in like X-Wing, Tie Fighter or whatever. Every single one of them had been in a CD-ROM full motion video game. But Gabe Zitron got cast in one of these games. It was like an educational mystery solving game and he was one of the kids that solved the mysteries and i don't think i have ever i don't

think there is any success we have been at in we have been bottom feeders in show business for 20 years now and i don't think anyone i know's success has ever been more profoundly resented by me than when gabe zitron's voice got cast in a cd-rom game like i was like this guy's gonna live fucking forever on this compact disc uh-huh on the compact disc now it's like what even happens to that video game, I wonder? Does it even exist at all anymore? Yeah, I imagine it doesn't. Man, I was like, this guy. When I played blowout comb for this guy, he said he didn't get it. He was more into Metallica.

And now he's finding Carmen Sandiego. There you go. Life ain't fair, man. That's how you learn. You learn early and you learn hard. Life ain't fair. And yeah, that was always like the kids' successes. I was always jealous of the kids on Disney Channel and Nickelodeon,

even the kids getting to play Double Dare and whatnot because I was like, damn, I just want to be on one of those shows. I wasn't even really wanting to be an actor all that much when I was a kid, but I just wanted to be on one of those shows because it seemed fun. I did too. I just desperately wanted to win a trip to space camp. Yeah? I didn't like – win a trip to space camp. Yeah? I didn't like...

I'm not a space kid. I was a dinosaur kid. I still don't really care about space. Yeah. It's fine. But the idea of winning the trip to space camp was... I was overwhelmingly fixated on. I had a subscription to something called national geographic for kids

it had a two-page spread in there called kids did it um it was about like it would be like oh this kid you know swam across the english channel this kid built a fucking space shuttle out of legos life size like things like this uh this kid started a newspaper in their neighborhood and cracked a murder case and i remember this combination of of angry feelings about it i had no positive feeling i did not admire these people these these children at all i had no warm feelings toward this entire two-page spread in National Geographic for Kids magazine. The only feelings I had were resentment that they were in the magazine and shame that I would never even attempt to do something that could get me into the magazine like a sick feeling in my stomach that knew I was not the kind of person who could build a space shuttle out of Legos like I would never be able to focus on anything or try hard at anything for

that long uh to do one particular thing that well. Yeah, that sounds about right for a kid to be like, I hate that guy, but I'm never going to put the effort into getting close to that guy. Like, no, it's too much. We all knew that. Yeah, there were kids doing amazing things when we were younger. And it was, I mean, I was like like i can never be an amazing kid but i feel like i should be an amazing kid anyway i had a kid girlfriend like a middle school girlfriend like we

kissed but that's it and um she had been she had been like number eight or something in the united states at gymnastics for for her for like 11 and 12 year olds or whatever, 12 and 13 year olds. We were like 12. But then she broke her ankle like four times in the same place and had to wear an air cast on her ankle forever. Like that was the doctor's diagnosis was you have to wear this forever. was you have to wear this forever. And we had a school assignment that you had to write a complimentary letter to someone or something. And I think I wrote to the Reverend Jesse Jackson

and she wrote to the Aircast Company and they gave her a lifetime supply of Aircasts. So she's better at having a fucking broken ankle than me? Wow. Wow. Wow. Just couldn't handle it. You guys break up shortly after.

You're like, I can't say this. I can't have you hogging the spotlight. I gotta let you go. She stopped. She couldn't do gymnastics anymore. So she focused on swimming and became the youngest person ever to swim unassisted to Alcatraz. I swear to God, this is real. And I was like, I've never accomplished anything. My biggest accomplishment at the time was the number of teachers I had disappointed. Hey, that's an accomplishment.

Nicole, what was your Nickelodeon show that you wanted to be on more than anything? Was it a Double Dare? Was it a Nick Arcade? Was it a Guts? I think, I don't remember Nickelodeon shows that will have a terrible memory, but I think something like a Clarissa Explains It All

or an Alex Mack. I always remember just thinking that they were so cool because they had magical powers or just cool clothes and got to be smooching on little cuties. Did they smooch on cuties or did I just imagine that? who had been on The Secret World of Alex Mack. He was like a regular guest on it. He played like a neighbor or something. And he was pretty, he was not a child actor anymore. He was pretty blasé about it.

I had not watched Alex Mack because I did not have cable at the time. So it was not a like but I still resented him very much. I think I feel like the theme of this episode thus far is you resenting people like resentment straight up. Episode try entire

run of podcast. Oh great. Okay. You just sit there and you're just like and then this person i hated them what are we on episode uh 650 yeah i think i was pretty respectful toward that older couple oh yeah yeah you gave that guy his props you were like we were like i like a boomer i'm mad at everyone that's my age and doing something which is fair which is fair i get it i just don't think 40 year olds should be allowed to be successful. You should have to wait until you're in your 60s. Oh, my God.

If that's how it works, then I'll take it. Then that's a good way to think of it. That if you just think, well, I'll be successful when I'm 60, then now it's like, well, I'm just chilling. Just waiting until I'm 60. It's fine. Jordan, when you were 12 years old, what was your dream show business job? Oh, boy. When you were 12 years old, what was your dream show business job?

Oh, boy. I think I was still, I think at 12, I was still in like wanting to be a paleontologist zone. I think I grew out of wanting to be a paleontologist a little too late. But like, it was that thing of wanting. If you still want to be a paleontologist and you have pubes. Right. Really, you should become a paleontologist at that point. Sure.

That means you really want it. Yeah. Yeah. And I think I, but it wasn't like, it wasn't to the point where I was like, okay, time to start learning about science. Like, nope. Just memorize this dinosaur book some more. It's like that moment when you learn that architects have to do math.

Oh, no, I'll do a different. No, it's fine. I don't need to. Medicine? No, it's fine. I'll just be a clerk. Yeah. I took geology.

I think it was in college I took a geology class because I was like, I love cracking open a geode. Those are pretty inside and so then i'm like amazing wait on the outside it's just a regular rock yeah on the outside it's just a regular old rock it's like brown and you open it up and it's all sparkly and purple come on now plus who doesn't want to hit a rock with a hammer everybody want to hit a rock with a hammer it feel it that feels a little bit like paleontology it feels like you're like cracking into a fossil and opening up something magical. Yeah, eating a dinosaur's brain.

Yeah, exactly. But then you take a geology class and you're like, what the hell is this? I got to actually learn and there's more than just geodes that exist? This is boring. You really got to learn strata. Yeah, I don't care about strata. Yeah, I think for just till very late in life, I just thought being a paleontologist was hitting a rock with a hammer and eating a little bit of brain a little bit of brain to gain the dimetrodon powers okay wow wait where is what

is this from is this from a tv show of some sort of movie this is the scenario that i've described involving what happens when you hit a hit a fossil with a hammer and it opens up. You get to eat the sweet brains inside. That actually, Jordan, is how I ended up getting that clothing rack sail on top of my station wagon. Oh, that's great. Yeah. What's that dinosaur with the sail called? Dimetrodon. Dimetrodon.

Thank you. Dimetrodon. Yeah. Nicole, what was your little kid job? Was it always show business or was it, you know, rocket ship driver? Yeah. What was it? Probably rocket ship driver, right?

I feel like mine was boring like a teacher or something. Does that mean to say that? I don't know. It wasn't that exciting though. It wasn't like this crazy job. I wanted to do like a teacher or probably like, you know, fashion of some sort. I mean, Nicole, being a teacher is like driving a rocket ship of knowledge. Truly, truly.

Through all the young people of America. Yeah, maybe I could be a Miss Frizzle kind of teacher and then take like a cool magical bus into someone's, into a Dimetrodon's brain. I don't know if I'm saying that right. No, no, you are. And that made perfect sense. That scenario made perfect sense.

You know who would be first in line to eat a dinosaur's brain? Mrs. Frizzle. She'd be into it. The old Mrs. Frizzle. Thank you. Yeah. What's the new Mrs. Frizzle? Now she's just hotter?

What's the deal? Is she hotter? No, she's also good. She's also good. Yeah. That was one of those Twitter controversies that I saw. I clocked. And I'm like, I don't understand this should i learn more

i decided not to you always get the choice either you click on the trending topic or you just keep scrolling and live your life and you've got to decide every day what you're gonna do yeah yeah so i decide so i do know that there is a miss frizz controversy, maybe she's not thick enough? It might be that people would like her to be more thick or less thick. I don't know. I don't know. They probably want more thick.

They're probably like, give me a thick frizz. That's what I want, a thick frizz. Who doesn't love a thick frizz? I love a thick frizz. Come on now. Don't give me no skinny frizz. Give me a thick frizz. love a thick frizz come on now don't give me no skin a frizz give me a thick frizz two c's baby oh shit that frizz thick oh y'all see that frizz she's thick that's i mean that's it that's such a weird thing too of like hot uh cartoon characters like was it

lola bunny was another controversy that was going around on twitter of how she's less hot now i think yeah i think they made her they made her nerdier nerdier and that could be hot to some people so i don't know why everybody's being so judgy some people like a nerdy bunny you know what i mean in the new burger king kids club iq is super ripped oh super ripped what was he before obviously not super ripped scrawny it was just another fucking scrawny nerd Jordan you know scrawny nerds you know point Dexter's four eyes you know what I like to do Jordan more than anything

else in the world hmm I go down to the beach I like to go to Malibu right I look for one of these 98 pound weaklings right making a sandcastle they're always making sandcastle I kick sand all the fucking way all over them.

Just cover them with these fucking 98-pound weaklings. Oh, they deserve to be covered in sand. Those nerdy boys need to be sandy boys. All right. Now it sounds like it's a sexual thing for you. It does sound a little sexual. It is a sexual thing. It does sound like it's getting a little hot.

Did I not explain that it's a sexual thing? No. It does sound a little sexual. It is a sexual thing. It does sound like it's getting a little hot. Did I not explain that it's a sexual thing? No. Okay. I like sandy nerds. Sandy nerds. That's my sexuality. I enjoy that. He's talking about the candy.

That's the twist. He's like he's talking about the candy. Right. Yes. Sandy nerds. There's a bunch of sand and fruity flavors in my mouth. I mean, nerds are one of the sandier candies. They are one of the sandier candies.

I mean, nerds are one of the sandier candies. They are one of the sandier candies. I mean, if you're going to hit just a regular candy shelf at the CVS and you're looking for the sandiest one there, it might actually be nerds. I think it would be, yeah. The inside of a Butterfinger is pretty sandy. Oh, that's very sandy. Oh, wow. That'll get stuck in your throat.

That'll give you a... It will. Maybe Nicole's geology experience could clarify this, but I think there's a lot of strata in there. There's a lot of strata. It's like thin strata. I can't even think of any other words that I learned in that class. So yes, I will agree with you.

Obsidian. Obsidian. Pyrite. It's fool's gold. Yeah. Nicole, when we were talking on... When we were on the Alison Rosen podcast, I kind of vaguely remember you were kind of coming off

a Twitter controversy about, and maybe I'm getting this wrong, about the hotness of Robert Downey Jr. Oh, I do a thing on Instagram where I will have like hot people competitions and put two people against each other. And there's usually a theme for it. And I think the theme with Robert Downey Jr. was a little bit controversial because I was using actors mug shots.

And so I was like, who's hotter? Robert Downey Jr. Or maybe that one was superheroes. I truly don't know. But regardless, Robert Downey Jr. has been in there a couple times. And I think it was Robert Downey Jr. versus maybe Ben Affleck or something. And yeah, he was losing. And maybe Allison thought he should have won.

Those competitions get very heated. Was Ben Affleck arrested for something at some point? I don't think so. So it might have been the superhero one. Loving donkeys too much? Yeah. Well, too many donkeys? Yeah, there's drunkies at the donkeys.

Drunkies at the donkeys. Hey, favorite pastime, getting drunkies at the donkeys. Just kidding. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe that one was the superhero one, but I think that it was probably like Iron Man versus Batman, and then everybody voted for Batman or something, and Allison disagreed.

But people get so heated. And what's the most heated one you've had recently oh my god mug shots might have been one there was one the the original one that was so that made this become a thing I wouldn't have chosen to make this a regular thing but people on Instagram are like keep doing it it sort of chose you it's it chose me unfortunately it chose me because now I have to put it together. But it started with people in 1999 because I had posted a picture of Jude Law and Matt Damon. It was a picture of them together.

And I was like, y'all, look at Jude Law. He was so fine in 1999. And everybody was like messaging me like, look at Matt Damon. Matt Damon is so hot. And I was like, what are you guys talking about? I just personally have never quite, you know, Matt Damon doesn't do it for me.

No offense, Matt Damon, whatever. I'm sure he's fine. Matt Damon is a listener, Nicole. If you're listening right now, Matty D, no offense, would not kick you out of bed. However, would not welcome you into the bed with me. Just mixed feelings about it. Mixed feelings.

If you happen to be in the bed already somehow. Honestly, Nicole, if you're looking for a hunk to be in your bed unexpectedly when you walk into your bedroom, I think that's going to be Robert Downey Jr. Okay. I like him. I would take it.

I think RDJ is the most likely to blunder into someone else's bed accidentally. And there was a picture of him when I did the mug shots one. There was a picture of him in court. He was looking good. He was in those little scrubs. Not scrubs, but you know what they are. They're little uniforms they got to wear in jail.

Sure, jail scrubs. And he looked good. But yeah, it was Matt Damon versus Jude Law. And everybody was messaging me like, Matt Damon is so hot. Matt Damon is so hot. And I was like, are you guys idiots? I was like, look at Jude I was like it was like look at Jude Law I'm telling you to look at Jude Law so that's how it became a thing and then we just

started doing people versus people and I'm telling you people will yell at me they're like disagreeing with me I have to you know I typically feel like I end up having the opposite opinion of a lot of my followers and they're just wrong and I have to just tell them that they're wrong. So yeah, it's, it's, it gets heated. It baffled me that when that first came up, like I understand like, you know, the eighties, Robert Downey Jr. Is it was a,

was a hunk in the eighties. Yeah. Like, you know, and he was like a little goth too, you know, like in that Rodney Dangerfield movie back to school where he's like the goth friend.

I'm like, I understand. Who didn't watch Back to School and get a little bit of a boner? Sure. I don't know. I got to watch it now because I got to see if I'll get one. It has Robert Downey Jr. and a diving competition. Say no more.

I'm on it. Yeah. But I was surprised to learn that. Wait, Jordan. I feel like my back to school boner gets no respect. Oh, I see what you did there. It has that little tie that it's always adjusting. No back to school boner.

Get no respect. I'm chum-essent here. here so i was surprised to learn that there are people who find current day weird facial hair acdc t-shirt right robert downey jr hot yeah that was baffling to me i understand his his his appeal in the avengers movies i think he's doing a good job in those but the fact that he is making people horny in that role was surprising to me is he's he's Iron Man in the Avengers right right yeah I don't know he looks kind of good in that and also he has a little he has a little uh oh that attitude of kind of like emotionally unavailable aloof asshole guy and that's hot okay yeah i feel like it is not that surprising anytime you hear about there being a sexual subculture built around any 60 year old man

who buys his clothes at hot topic i feel like i feel like rdj johnny depp a guy from aerosmith all of these people have people who think they are hot because of the number of skull rings they have you know who's a weird choice that I always think is hot and it's like my I call him my dirty rock star crush is Tommy Lee I get it

I get it about Tommy Lee I mean I get it you respect a powerful crank I can respect a powerful crank. I waited on him once when I waited tables, and he was like, hey, can I get some guacamole? Yeah, bro. He was very like what you would expect him to talk like he talked like, and I was like, I still love you.

I'm still into it. I bet no matter what restaurant Tommy Lee goes to, no matter what the theme and what's available on the menu, he probably always says the word, hey, bro, can I get some guacamole? Hey, bro, can I get some guac? And he was like, rocking. That's awesome. Yeah, man.

He was like that. I was like, yeah, I'm so into it. I know, you're in Motley Crue. Congratulations. Sir, this is the French laundry. Yeah, get Keller in here. I bet he's got some avocados. Right. Guac is extra. Yeah. This Keller in here. I bet he's got some avocados. Right.

Guacas extra. Yeah. This is buca di beppa. We only have spaghetti. That's fine. I'll take guacamole on my spaghetti. Yeah, he loves it. I don't think you're wrong about Jude Law, Nicole.

Jude Law, look, Matt Damon is a wonderful actor. I think we can all agree on that. Sure. Matt Damon is one of our greatest movie stars. And certainly he looks much prettier than anyone you can imagine being your buddy should look. Right? I think he seems like he would be a sweet friend and he's real good looking for a guy you think could be your sweet friend. But Jude Law is fucking beautiful that guy's gorgeous and the picture that i posted was from the talented mr

ripley which is a very like they're both pretty that was like the height of their beauty yeah um but yeah jude law like are you kidding me dude law and he british come on how could you vote for i just think i do think i think that's what it is for me is mad to me mad damon looks like just any dude i don't see it personally i've never seen he's got a twinkle in his eye nicole he's obviously cute you know he got a little something going on he looks like he cares for you he would be he would care he would be sweeter he would like tuck you in and like maybe make you like a tea or something. He would crinkle the edges of his eyes. Just so. Just so. And Jude Law would like, I don't know,

he would do something mean. What's the mean thing? Chew on your pencils. Yeah, exactly. He'd chew on my pencils. God damn it, fucking Jude chewed all these fucking pencils. Jude chewed, that's the thing, yeah.

So gross. Yeah. God, that guy. How have both of them, because you're right, because I think if you're talking late 90s, those are the two alpha hunks, especially talented Mr. Ripley, where they're wearing white shorts and sweaters.

Yeah. Have they both aged well, in your opinion? No, Matt Damon aged better. Oh, interesting. Jude Law is still pretty cute, but cute but well he just looked uh yeah i mean he's not bad yes what's that show that he was just on some show that was on hbo that i did not love the third room i think i made that up anyway honestly i believe you if you were to tell me i love the third room on hbo i'm like that's probably a show i haven't made it to yet.

It's a limited series on HBO by the creator of True Blood, Third Room. I don't know what it's called. But anyway, to me, it's like he didn't look bad in it. But I thought he was kind of getting it was a little rough. He had a rough moment, I feel like, for a while. I think Leonardo DiCaprio is the one who looks a mess. Leonardo DiCaprio is the one who looks a mess. To me, Leonardo DiCaprio is like when I was a child, I didn't understand why Jack Nicholson was a movie star.

Like I was aware that he or Warren Beatty, like Warren Beatty is a better example. Warren Beatty, obviously a gifted actor. I got nothing bad to say about shampoo. I got nothing bad to say about reds. You know what I mean? Warren Beatty, one of the great screen geniuses of his time. But when I was 12 and I saw Dick Tracy, I thought, who is this guy and why do people think that he's a very famous movie star? And I feel like if I were 12 today, Leonardo DiCaprio is the legendary movie star and i feel like if i were 12 today leonardo dicaprio is the legendary movie star i would most look upon in that manner i would be like why is this man with a with whose face looks

like a beautiful 16 year olds surrounded by a paper plate yeah like what who is this why is this person you know what i mean yeah i think that's the to me to me leonardo de caprio was like he looks has looked the same ever since he was super young but now it's just weird because you know he's like 50 or however old he is yes he still has the face of a 16 year old that's like it's a beautiful 16 year old's face. Don't get me wrong. It's still a good looking guy. I totally agree. It's just an awkward juxtaposition with being 50 and also looking like a 50 year old. I totally agree. I thought the same thing. I have never understood people that are like fawning over him at this age.

I never really got it. I got now when I look at Titanic, I'm like, OK, I get it. Like he looked cute. But even then I was kind of like, meh. But as he's aged, it's definitely been even weirder because to me, I'm like, he looks like a child with a man. He's like a man, but a child. He's Benjamin Buttoning in a way. Nicole, top three hunks and babes.

Let's hear them. Oh, God. This is Nicole Thurman's world famous top three hunks and babes. Okay. This is hard for me because, okay, Brad Pitt obviously is very, like, hot. Oh, you know who I love? Okay. My favorite hunk.

Nicole, I wish the at-home audience could see how hard Nicole is selling her love for this next hunk. I just got so hot thinking about it. I love it. Okay. So yeah, classic. I do love Brad Pitt. I just always love Brad Pitt. Plus, I think he has really cool style. But my favorite hunk right now, oh my God. And like my favorite hunk that I got a little sad when I found out he was married is Riz Ahmed. Riz Ahmed. I love him. Riz Ahmed is one of those people. He was on Bullseye some time ago, maybe like five years ago. And he's one of those people where you like look into your eyes and you're just like, yeah, I'll live here forever. Thank you for acknowledging me, person with a different planet of charisma than mine. He's gorgeous.

Yeah, and he has that kind of that vibe that's like that creepy, creepy I say, but like, oh, you love it. The creepy famous person vibe where they meet you and they're like, hello. And you're like, oh my God. Like, oh Jesus, like that's too much. It's too much energy.

You've seen my soul. He was so good in The Sound of Metal. And I think there's been a lot of a lot of hay made online about his the like hardcore shirts that they dress him in in the sound of metal they're like you know very credible whoever whoever got him the shirts did their research and it's you know him and all these kind of like fucked up like 80s punk band t-shirts. And they're like fucked up in just the right way. Like, you know, they really went to great lengths to make sure this guy's shirt collection was like authentic.

And I was like- Who directed that? Was it someone that had experience? Was that music background or no? Steven Spielberg. Yeah. No. I don't know who directed that.

I think it was somebody's first movie, but they, I think they, maybe my feeling is that maybe they were a music person, but yeah. Yeah, because the music in that was also legit, because that's why I didn't watch it at first.

I saw the preview. I'm like, I'm not watching this bullshit, because it's like that thing of where you see like, you know, they're like, this guy, he plays hardcore music,

and he's a drummer, and then he goes deaf, and it's really sad, and you're like uh you know they're like this guy he plays hardcore music and he's drummer and uh then he goes deaf and it's really sad and you're like okay well the music the music's gonna be whack but the out it's gonna feel fake you know and as soon as it starts it's like oh no no this is for real like they're doing it that music was really intense and then they look he looked the part and didn't it didn't feel fake at Yeah, they did a great job with those opening shows. And there's such great little details. They show the sad merch booth outside the show. And I'm just like, yes, this is the greatest detail of this. The sad merch booth and the weirdos running it.

Anyway. Yeah. Oh, you know who directed it? Darius Marder. I feel like he directed something else that was like, I'll look. That's the guy from Hootie and the Blowfish? Yeah, it's hootie hootie directed it the place beyond the pines is what he directed that which is another he directed those which is good because he kind of directs movies where it's like he puts these really pretty people in kind of like scrubby uh you know hardcore elements and

it doesn't feel false it feels real when we did our first bullseye show, might have even been before it was called Bullseye in London. My producer at the time, Colin, was English, is English. And he suggested Riz Ahmed as a guest. And this was before Riz Ahmed was a famous movie star. And I had seen him in Four Lions, Chris Morris's movie, which is a totally spectacularly great movie. And he was really funny in it and really good. And I was like, oh, that's the guy from Four Lions, right? And Colin's like, yeah. And then Colin goes, but there's one thing.

He'll probably want to rap. And I was like, the guy from four lions raps and he's like yeah and i'm like no fucking let's get somebody else like i can't deal with the guy from four lions rapping no anyway like after he became a movie star and we finally got him to come on i listened to his raps and i was like fuck he's good at rapping fuck this he's super good i know that dude is truly he's multi-talented and legit yeah it's weird it's like that's you want to hate it that's how you know who's not to me who's like annoying about it is uh idris elba i'm like sir just stick to acting please you fine you can do good acting i didn't know has he released some

cringy music oh he just is a dj and i'm like please stop like it's like a it's like kind of like edm you know i think he does have actually a rap song too and it's like bro please please stop doing this it's not even i i don't know if it's bad as much as it just feels super cringe for me like i i follow him and whenever he puts those videos up i'm like i can't watch this this is so cringe like let him i'll just let him have this. Yeah. Yeah.

Just stick to letting us know that the apocalypse is canceled. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You know, he can be funny. He can be serious. He can do all those things. But what he does not need to do is DJ a party for us. You know, I didn't know this.

I did not know that Idris Elba has a cringy EDM career. And you know what? I like knowing that. It makes me feel good. It takes him down a peg because it's like now you're not like, you're not like, whoa, this hot dude. You're like a dude that's kind of like would be annoying at a party. Like you'd be like, okay, man, like let's just play music.

We don't need to, you know, mix it. Right. We don't need to chop and screw it. Let's just put some music. Let's just put on a playlist of songs that people like. EDM DJ is perhaps the most remunerative of all the show business professions. Like I have, my buddy Dallas used to do a podcast that just blaze was on a lot the hip-hop producer just blaze uh r.i.p to combat jack and the combat jack show but um uh just blaze would be on like half of the episodes or something just like hanging out with them or whatever and one time i said to dallas i said dallas what's what's going on with just blaze like this is one of the most accomplished hip hop producers in the world. And I feel like I never hear a beat that he does anymore. And I

don't even feel like it's because his style of beat is too out of style. Like, he could be Timbaland. He could be making hit records every year or Pharrell just for the rest of his life. And Dallas said, well, he said's he pretty much stopped making beats because he makes too much money as an edm dj i was like wait what and he's like yeah he just goes and plays an edm festival in europe and gets half a million dollars oh my god yeah that must that's one of those uh styles of music where i will have never heard of somebody and they'll be like a multi-millionaire like make so much money it's a crazy world that's it's not i'm not into it what else do we resent

like all over the world there are fire festivals that are going right and it's like those people exactly i think it's like it's probably what one of the biggest styles of music across the world like over the over the world people are going to these festivals they're looking great they're fucking each other and we are not invited we're not invited they don't even need us they're like we have our own world we do not need you yeah they're doing electric forest they're living in the forest with like you know molly and uh glow sticks and we're not invited they're like you think we need you from the black lady sketch show you think we need you from ifcs the grid no right no we're doing molly for a week and then we're going back to our homes in zurich

it is crazy i'm from luxembourg they say yeah over the course of this week i will be in five different infinity pools we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, I don't need to tell you you this but every goddamn episode of this goddamn show is brought to you the listener by you the listener that's right the members of maximum fun.org fuck you got you got the you got the tone that i was laying down jordan just swear words words dukey yeah man i saw uh i saw a uh new mexico license plate in the parking lot today uh and it said d-u-k-e-e and i couldn't tell whether i respected that d-u-k

okay uh this week's episode also brought to you by our friends at zip recruiter now jordan as you know i own a small business yes it's a lemon lemonade stand oh i didn't know that i was gonna say the podcasting network but uh no it's the lemonade stand no i lost i lost the podcasting uh network in monaco uh Monaco betting on the horses. The F1 races? So it's all about the lemonade now. Yeah, and I have a really hard time finding qualified candidates because a lot of people don't know how to ream.

I mean, I've heard that hiring can feel like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Yeah, well, especially if you're trying to find somebody who already knows how to ream. I can't train reaming. That's something that you're born with. If you get half a lemon and one of those things with a handle and a reamer on the end, and you don't feel the art of sticking it in there and going, I can't teach you. Here's the good news, Jordan. I think that computers can help me with this. It's true, and there's a specific computer website you're going to want to go to.

Oh, is it that one that is good at chess? No, Jesse, it's ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. Here's what's going to happen. You're going to go to that website. Of course, ZipRecruiter.com slash JJ Go. Here's what's going to happen. You're going to go to that website. Of course. ZipRecruiter.com slash JJ Go. What? I was thinking of the guy, the one from the Stanley Kubrick movie that wants to kill the spaceman.

No. That's a different website. That's Hal, I believe. Don't go to that website. It'll probably kill you. Okay. But ZipRecruiter.com slash JJ Go. Not deadly at all. fact very helpful you post

your job on zip recruiter and their matching technology finds qualified candidates for you and invites them to apply four out of five employers who post on zip recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day 2.3 million businesses have come to ZipRecruiter for their hiring needs. Jordan, so what do I do? I go to ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. Then I go up to the search bar at the top of my browser and I type in Reem.

I don't know exactly if that's how it works, but I do think that ZipRecruiter's powerful matching technology can help you find, that's right, the needle in the haystack. Wow. If you want to try it for free, go to ZipRecruiter.com

slash JJGo. ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. Try it for free. The smartest way to hire. You're not going to believe what I ate for breakfast this morning, Jordan. What? Well, I used a spoon and it wasn't some pedestrian bullshit spoon. It was a magic morning, Jordan. What? Well, I used a spoon and it wasn't some pedestrian bullshit spoon. It was a magic spoon, baby.

Peanut butter flavor, the official flavor of Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I like that it's a little sweet, but also has a little hint of saltiness. It stays crunchy in milk and it's high in protein for a breakfast cereal. It's grain-free and delicious.

My kids like fruity flavor. Yeah, that's Magic Spoon. We love it. It's a delicious cereal. It reminds you of all that stuff you used to eat as a kid, but it doesn't have the junk. You got zero grams of sugar, 13 to 14 grams of protein, 140 calories, and only four net grams of carbs in each serving. Jordan, that is more protein. I have in my refrigerator right now protein shakes that I purchased at a popular exclusive club retailer. They're the signature brand of that retailer. Protein shakes. Right.

Less protein than a bowl of Magic Sp yes that's right i said it and it is true wow 12 to 14 that's the difference this stuff is keto friendly gluten free grain free soy free low carb gmo free you build your own box you pick your favorite flavors uh they got cocoa fruity frosted peanut butter blueberry cocoa, fruity, frosted, peanut butter, blueberry, and cinnamon. You're a frosted guy, right? Are you still rolling frosted? Love frosted, love PB. Those are my two faves, I would say.

But everything I've tried from Magic Spoon has been really good. It's been great. I love it because I have a pretty overwhelming sweet tooth these days that is threatening to destroy me. And if you want a little sweet. You can't evict it once it's lived there for a full month. Yeah, that squatters rights.

Yeah. So, yeah, a little handful of Magic Spoon after dinner. Really will torpedo that craving for dessert. It's great. Really tasty. Go to magicspoon.com slash JJGO. You get a custom bundle of cereal to try today. And use our promo code JJGO at checkout

to save $5 off your order. They're backed by a 100% happiness guarantee, Jordan. That's a guarantee that no therapist can offer. If you don't like it for any reason, they will refund your money. No questions asked. Again, a guarantee no therapist can offer. And they have advanced degrees. Magic Spoon is but a cereal.

Remember, get your next delicious bowl of guilt-free cereal at magicspoon.com slash JJ Go. Use the promo code JJ Go. You save five bucks. Thank you, Magic Spoons, for sponsoring this episode. Can I tell you a real Magic Spoon anecdote? Please. I've been eating Magic Spoon at my house. And as I've said before on this show, and it's true, I buy it with my own money.

First one's free, but then you're hooked's true, I buy it with my own money. First one's free, but then you're hooked. Yep. Been buying it with my own money. But my wife is placing the orders. I said to her, do you go to magicspoon.com slash JJ Go and use the code JJ Go to save $5 off? And she said, well, I use a number of different. And I could tell she doesn't use it. Oh, my gosh.

She doesn't use our code. She's using some other goddamn code wow it make up for my wife my wife is buying these for me for for her for the children you jesse you're getting code cucked oh oh god i'm getting code cucked please Go to magicspoon.com slash JJ Go. Code cuts by the Doughboys again. Magicspoon.com slash JJ Go and use the code JJ Go at checkout. Jesse, I have an exciting announcement about fan favorite segment. Jordan lists independent bookstores and comic bookstores where people have pre-ordered Bubble, the upcoming graphic novel based on the hit MaxFun podcast

coming July 13th. I love this segment because I enjoy hearing the names of independent bookstores which are second only to the names of independent hair salons in their silliness. Yes, absolutely.

It's a great segment. It's a beloved segment. Hair salons are a cut above. Right. So the segment is coming to an end we're gonna do this week we're gonna do next week and then there's gonna be some more cool bubble stuff to talk about so i don't want to over bubble people you can still pre-order the thing after next week but uh but but the announcements will be social media only.

And this is kind of cool, something we announced. If you pre-order the book and you upload your receipt, you can get a bonus mini episode of the podcast voiced by the cast of the podcast and a printed home mini comic made by the team that made the comic so if you want to get those uh bonuses go to bit.ly slash bubble pre-order it's in my uh pinned tweet if you forget about it jordan wait is this a print this printed home comic yeah this works on a laser printer correct yeah laser dot matrix however you want to print You just print it at home. I've got a bubble jet.

Is that going to work? Yeah, it'll work, and I think it'll be kind of funny. Will you tell the authorities? No, I won't tell the authorities. I will not be snitching on anybody who prints the comics at home. Okay. I just wanted to check. I was just worried because all I have is bubble jet. No, you'll be fine. Okay. I just wanted to... Pull them up like a zine. Just wanted to check. I was just worried because all I have is bubble jet.

No, you'll be fine. Okay. I got one of those thermal ink printers like a receipt at the drugstore. Here's the bookstores. They are as follows. Dog Eared Books in Ames, Iowa. Wise Blood Booksellers in Kansas City, Missouri.

Adventure Inc. in Milan, Michigan, Copper Dog Books in Beverly, Massachusetts, Atomic Books in Baltimore, Moon Palace Books in Minneapolis, fucking Moon Palace Books, tons of pre-orders from that place, really, really coming out strong in this contest, Changing Hands Bookstore once again in phoenix arizona uh i think the leader at this point uh pulp 716 in north towns honda honda new york uh i love north towns honda towns honda new york pulp 716 what is the combo what is his combo again oh yeah just uh yeah it's crouching uh crouching medium to uh uppercut thank you oh that place pulp 716 also serves bubble tea so that's a fun little beat of synergy there too that's you know what you're you know what i was just thinking jordan 20 years of bubble tea here in america yeah i i think i discovered bubble tea as a sophomore in college, maybe 20 years ago.

The novelty still delights me. Love it. It's great. Put bubbles in there. Put those little tapioca balls. It's great every time. I love it. And it's having a second renaissance, which I think we all enjoy.

Yeah. So if you're in North Town's Honda, head over to Pulp 716. Get yourself some bubble tea. And remember, watch out for that stretchy guy. Book Lounge in Cape Town, South Africa. Whoa. Got another moon palace here. Is that the furthest afield we've been? I think it is, yeah.

I really think it is. There's a challenge to you, Myanmar, formerly known as Burma. Yeah. Are you out there to you, Myanmar, formerly known as Burma. Yeah. Are you out there, Chad, the country? Are you out there a guy named Chad in Chad? Sure. Earth 2 Comics in Sherman Oaks, Story of Bookshop in New York City, Greedy books in Baltimore. Jordan, did you ever imagine when you wrote your first book that people would be reading it as far away as Sherman Oaks, California?

I never could have dreamed. It's a different world. Can you imagine getting a comic book into the valley? Into the hands of readers. Extraordinary achievement. A thrill. Kids did it. Kids did it. Another Atomic Books in Baltimore. Books with Pictures in Portland. Pegasus Books in Bend, Oregon. The Bookseller, C-E-L-L-A-R, ha ha ha.

Chicago, Illinois. Jordan, I shop at Clean Coal Books. Oh, yeah? It's beautiful. I don't know. It's the energy of the future i've been told yeah uh the bookseller book man in grand haven michigan curious comics wait it's called the bookseller book man uh no that's another that's a these are two separate stores there's bookseller in chicago and there's book man in grand so i'm clear to name my bookstore bookseller in Chicago and there's Bookman in Grand Haven, Michigan. So I'm clear to name my bookstore Bookseller Bookman. Yeah, you can name it Bookseller Bookman.

Okay, good. If you want to make a billion fucking dollars. Sherman Oaks, here I come, baby. Yeah, look out, Earth 2 Comics. Alright, alright, North Hollywood. The Arts District. Yeah, they might not have a comic book store since Blast Off Comics closed

down, so there you go. Anyway, Curious Comics Vancouver Island, S. Sailfish Comics in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, and The Bookery in Manchester, New Hampshire. One more week. Get those pre-orders in. Let me know. Upload that receipt to the URL.

Get your free stuff. And yeah, and then I'll pick uh i'll i'll tally these up and whoever has the most pre-orders i will uh get myself out there to sign some books so uh if your shop uh is in the running uh do it do it now what's winning right now phoenix arizona i think it yeah i have not tallied but um i think moon palace in minneapolis is in there um yeah changing hands in phoenix has just been a fucking fierce competitor throughout this whole thing you know what i kind of think if changing hands in phoenix arizona pulls ahead they should not get cocky you know why bill corbett told me he's ordering 200 copies. Whoa. Yeah. The Bill Corbett promised to do that and will definitely do it. He did it in a real promise that he really made to me.

He wrote a real contract, signed it, and said he would do it at that bookstore, you said, in Minneapolis, Minnesota, where he lives. Oh, my gosh. Maybe he lives in St. Paul. I can't remember. Kevin Murphy said he would buy 50, but he said he would buy the 50 from Bill after Bill bought 200. 200 is too many for Bill.

Bill's reselling these things? What do you think he's doing with 200? He's going to be on the subway. Put the book in the people's hands. Say $20. My friend Jordan wrote this. Don't crush his dreams. Oh, boy.

Don't crush my dreams well as long as people are reading it i guess i'm okay with it even if you do buy 200 copies to resell them would you people at you on twitter is that how they share what yeah at me on twitter you can you can email us on instagram all the dms are open slide into those dms and uh yeah and hey if you want a uh a personalized one you can do that from book soup here in la on their website pretty easy to find i'll write any fucking dumb thing in there you want to you want jordan jesse go inside joke you want some cotton candy randy shit i'll do it whatever fuck it as long as you pre-order that shit pre-order i mean literally bill corbett has you writing

the text of das copy tall yeah sure, sure. I'll do it. I just want this thing to take off, Jesse. Fucking, what? Hashtag late capitalism, am I right? Thank you. Selling 50 books to Kevin Murphy with a partial text of Das Kapital, one quarter of the text of Das Marx's.

It's time to guillotine the elites, huh? We'll be back in just a second on jordan jessico it's jordan jessico i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective and i'm nicole thurman middle name nickname nickname is my middle name nickname is my middle name that would have worked better yeah that's it that's me that's me i panic stirred or shaken sure just sort of shaken a middle name is my nickname that doesn't that doesn't make sense nickname is my middle name help me help me i like this character confused super spy confused horrible super spy like i forget the mission as soon as they give it to me i'm like

wait wait wait what how do we do it it's like when you explain a board game i'm like no no i missed all of that how many lumber cards do i need yeah hq this is nickname where did i put that dossier yeah how do i use this pen again is it a camera is it a pen what is this help yes what do i have that is actually a camera what is a gun what is a bomb can you just make me a three category list gun bomb camera she walks around just sweating like i'm so freaking nervous i can't do this i hate suits i hate it this is so itchy itchy what am i going to a wedding i honestly don't remember who's the whiny spy that'll be my nickname nico Whiny Spy Thurman. That's fun. I like that. Oh, God.

Malta again. Malta. I just went there. It's a black tie affair. Oh, I don't like dressing up for these things. It's hard to move. I can't fight bad guys when I'm wearing a dress. Can I please play gin rummy?

The seats in this Astonin are uncomfortable the ride is stiff when something momentous happens to you give us a call 206-9844-FUN or send us your voice memo from your telephone at jjgoe at maximumfun.org why not because we might use them in our segment it's called momentous occasions we've been doing it a long time, and it still kind of works. Go ahead and press play Brian on Momentous Occasions. Hey, guys. This is Connor Cullen from Vancouver. I'm in a hoity-toity part of the neighborhood, and I just saw a McLaren with a Charizard on the side.

Have a good one. See, this is the spirit this is the spirit of momentous occasions when you see a four hundred thousand dollar car with a pokemon The Pokemon on it. Call us. 206-984-4FUN. JJ Go at MaximumFun.org. Doesn't have to be Charizard. Could be Snorlax. But no others. Just those two. Yeah.

Can you imagine how gauche it would be to buy a McLaren and then put a fucking Pikachu on the side? Jesus Christ. Get some taste. Snorlax or go home. That's why rich people need to be, first of all, they need to be stopped. Somebody needs to say no. That's the whole thing. Just say no to them.

That's like Justin Bieber with the hair that Justin Bieber had. It's like, somebody tell him no. It doesn't matter how much money he has. Just slow him down. Please come past and let Justin Bieber know. Yes, exactly. bieber had it's like somebody tell him no it doesn't matter how much money he has please come past and let justin bieber know yes exactly was it usher usher discovered justin i think it was usher there you go i just thought you meant ti just in general and i was like why not let's ti come in ti should come because he's he's small but he has a commanding presence i think so yeah

and an unlicensed firearm go ahead j, Jordan. I think it's also on, there's some responsibility on the person selling the Charizard sticker. Like, I think before you sell, before you let someone give you, you know, $4 for a Charizard sticker, you know, you want to know where it's going. You want to know there should be background checks. How nice is your car is it too nice like a charizard sticker can go on a you know volkswagen

golf i went i was just at the flea market this morning they had one of those die-cut vinyl sticker right you know stands there and they had a whole pokemon section but it just said 2006 Corvettes only. Oh, love it. That's good. That's a responsible sticker vendor. That's what I like to see. Yeah, that makes sense. That makes sense.

You got to have a category where it goes. That's a city ordinance in Long Beach. I mean, they did great with COVID, so it's nice to know that they're also doing a good job making sure no too expensive cars get Pokemon stickers. I was imagining it as being like a whole, you know how people like will wrap their cars? I was imagining it being like the whole side of the car had a Charizard on it or whatever it's called. I think it was probably a full vinyl wrap. I think it was like, wasn't it?

It was on this program just recently, Jordan, that we were talking about how there was a time in San Franciscoisco where all donks were trick cereal themed right right fruit loops tricks starbursts i remember seeing a starburst donk what's a donk a donk is like a well there's a few different uh there's a few different definitions one is a miniature donkey um one is a a type of car that's usually like a a 90s american sedan that's that's up really high and has giant wheels okay um yeah there's like a reverse low ride imagine a reverse low rider um and then yeah they had those they had those colorful color schemes the third if you're in a honky tonk it could be part of a badonkadonk i love honky tonk and i love a badonkadonk where's miss frizzle when you need her off somewhere not being thick enough not being thick enough that's

for sure miss frizzle guides us into the honky tonk, badonkadonk. Yeah, Miss Frizzle and the Magic Bus go to the honky tonk with her badonkadonk. Yeah. I remember, I will always remember getting a parking lot snaked by a Lexus with a Milf Hunter sticker on it. Oh my God. Oh my God. I'm telling you, somebody got to stop them. That's the thing is it's like, I feel like that's how you can tell what a lot of people

have a lot of money is when they'll be like in a crazy outfit and you're like, this is such a horrible outfit. It probably costs so much money. You just know. You just know. You got to be stopped. In that situation, there were three things to resent. I feel like as a 40 year old person, even as a semi-professional in the menswear industry,

it's like two out of three in my mind that what teens are into now is like Mar-a-Lago core. Like dressing the way those people in the pictures of people standing next to Donald Trump at Mar-a-Lago dress with like purple loafers. You know what I mean? Uh-huh. Yeah. Like gold pants would be another thing.

Yeah. I could see teens at like trendsetting New York high schools in purple loafers. New York high schools in purple loafers. Although to go back to a previous topic, to me, when I notice a teen, the style seems to be Clarissa Explains It All core. Yes. I think it's very 90s. The 90s are coming back so hardcore. There's like yin-yangs on stuff and then everything's super colorful and neon and vinyl just like yeah it's

very 90s right now big shoes thick shoes yeah when i was younger the only place you'd find yin yang was was on twins yeah there we go i'm glad that you hey wait till you see my dick hey bitch that's that's the yin yang song i didn't just say that yeah no that's a quotation um yeah that's the according to ying hang twins uh circa 2004 i don't know whisper the whisper song brian go ahead and press play on another telephone call hey jordan jesse guest i'm calling with a momentous occasion. I just graduated the Fire Academy despite the fact that I'm pushing 40. And although I don't have a job yet, I am certified

as a firefighter. I love you guys. Bye. Hell yes. I love this. That's so sweet. Yeah, that's nice. I mean, maybe just until you find a fire station to work at, you could just do some freelance firefighting. Yeah.

Have you guys heard, have you guys seen this hashtag going around on Twitter, AFAS? No. It's all firefighters are Sweetums. Oh. My aunt was a firefighter. And when I was a kid, I got to go on some giant fire trucks in the fire station in Fairfax County, Virginia and I got a special firefighter shirt. Pretty good. Yeah that was a real I mean that was a powerful time in my life. I took a picture of myself on that thing. I fucking printed it out at the photo mat.

This was before digital photography sent it straight to Gabe Zitron's house. That's CD-ROM, motherfucker. CD-ROM. That was doing great. That's right. That was killing the game. Nice guy, Gabe Zitron. He's a nice guy.

To me as a kid, I was a very cowardly kid. So the idea of doing firefighting never appealed to me. But I did like the idea of making spaghetti with a bunch of buddies. Yes, it's so good. The top appeals of firefighting. Number one, spaghetti with buddies. Number two, firefighters pole. Number three, blonde brush cut like howie long i would say

that's my top three reasons to become a firefighter wouldn't you say also i bet the ladies love firefighters i mean you could just say i'm a firefighter and the women are like oh yeah right what i recently learned that one of my favorite rappers this guy named ka k.a uh is a new york city firefighter he is one of our greatest city's greatest heroes wow that's cool yeah he's currently a firefighter and rapper he's a firefighter a firefighter rapper that classic hyphenate is he doing that thing where he's like y'all like hip hop and then he gives them a mixtape and he's like this is fire thank you thank you i'll be here for as long as you'll have me thank you thank you thank you everybody um thank you so much thank you everybody yeah i mean i think i think hip-hop fans do too much complaining about the rise of

soundcloud rapping yeah and not enough being grateful uh that people don't put their out their rap album or mixtape into your hand on a street corner and then want you to give them 20 for it that's the worst it's so uncomfortable because it's like it's like if somebody's like do you care about the environment at whole foods and you're like i mean yes but i don't want to round up my bill to the nearest dollar like i i do care i do like it's like yes i like hip-hop however i don't want the cd because i was just trying to walk down the street granted i was going into fat beats records but it's because there was some 12 inches by real rappers i wished to purchase that's what you say but then that person on the street's going to become famous and then you'll

regret saying real rappers because that person's probably you know who it probably is fucking riz ahmed fucking i'm like this little dude's not despite his steely charisma it's not okay here's here's another thing we do on jordan jesse go we have lots of beloved recurring segments on this show from a to z uh they're all things that we've thought of and then made popular through our talent and hard work. They're not just stuff that you think of and then call in and tell us about by identifying what the premise is at the beginning of your call. It's all stuff that we thought of and have done many times, copyright us. Here's an example of that. Brian, press play. copyright us. Here's an example of that. Brian, press play.

Hi, I'm calling in for your recurring segment, Ambivalent Therapy Successes. I am a total people pleaser. I've been working on telling people things that they don't want to hear, which is especially important because I supervise about 20 people in my job. So earlier this week, using a strategy and a script that my therapist and i developed together i chewed one of my employees the fuck out it was deserved and it worked really well so now i am a monster who yells at people to get what he wants uh thank you guys yep yep i i 100 imagined that the script was a dialogue between the therapist and our caller they were gonna put on like a camp show for this employee and i was gonna say if your therapist can help you with scripts geez i know right you're getting

punched up on these scripts? What's up? I just sit down. I'm like, okay, it's Predator meets Fast and Furious. Is this therapist WGA? What's going on here? They get a story by credit. Yeah, they get a contributing producer thing.

For sure. For sure. It's a Comedy Central therapy office, so they don't like doing stuff union keep it cheap my dog my friend dr cats that's the therapist from uh back in the day what was that called the critic yes my therapist jay sherman that's it that's who's the critic. My therapist, Fish Police. Fish Police. Is that correct? Fish Police, Jordan?

I don't know. I think Comedy Central reran Fish Police. I think that sounds correct to me. Great. I was just taking the next step from the critic, but I was not confident that Fish Police was the name of the show about the fish policemen. Right. right there is i learned so fish police is a is a punchline from a hyper specific time in our youth when every um every like tv network tried to have a simpsons and they basically all failed and there were all these like animated knockoffs in 1993 or whatever where you know abc and nbc tried to do a simpsons they all failed and i think one of them was Fish Police.

And it was based on like an underground comic. And the appeal of this underground comic was it was anthropomorphic fish. And the female fish had giant tits. Oh, my God. Of course. You know, so, you know, so that was the fan base going into it. Anyway, so I think the Fish base going into it anyway so I think the fish police comic

fans I learned turned against the show because the tits were not big enough but someone else someone out there pointed me to a fish there's a fish police forum fans of the source material who are just like begging for a reboot

they want someone to do it right oh my god I feel like there's like a sub reddit or like a whatever you just called Fans of the source material who are just begging for a reboot, they want someone to do it right. Oh, my God. I feel like there's a subreddit or whatever you just called it for everything. Every little niche thing, they've got people wanting more of it. They're like, bring it back with bigger fish tits. Yes. Give me the fish tits we deserve.

Yeah. I felt like the babes weren't bodacious enough in USA Network's Mr. Natural Arkham animated sitcom. I do not remember that one. The women were too svelte. They got to be bodacious. Like our gal Frizz. That's right.

Like the Frizz baby. Ba-dong-ka-dong. That's right. Ain't nobody out there doing it like Frizz. Honk, honk. That's right. Like the frizz, baby. Ba-donk-a-donk. That's right. Ain't nobody out there doing it like frizz. Honk, honk. That's her. She honked the horn of the school bus. Which one's the bus and which one's her ass?

Yeah, that's right. She drives the school bus. Yeah. Right. Where did she get a Class C license? It's a magic school bus, so that's a Class D license. You know what? Back that bus up, frizz. Sure license you know what back that bus up frizz sure you know what put it in reverse baby girl just back up into that colon 206-984-4FUN or jj going maximumfun.org we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Video games. Video games. Video games. You like them? Maybe you wish you had more time for them. Maybe you want to know the best ones to play. Maybe you want to know what happens to Mario when he dies.

In that case, you should check out TripleClick. It's a podcast about video games. A podcast about video games? But I don't have time for that. Sure you do. Once a week, Kickback as three video game experts give you everything from critical takes on the hottest new releases to scoops, interviews, and explanations about how video games work

to fascinating and sometimes weird stories about the games we love. TripleClick is hosted by me, Kirk Hamilton. Me, Jason Schreier. And me, Maddie Myers. You can find TripleClick wherever you get your podcasts and listen at MaximumFun.org. Bye! La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

Hi. Are you someone who thinks that when one door closes, another one opens? Someone who always sees the light at the end of the tunnel. If you answered yes to one or both of these questions, good for you. We are not those people. Nope. I'm Annabelle Gurwitch, and I'm a, you know that other door opening, it probably leads to a broom closet kind of person. And I'm Laura House. When I see a light at the end of a tunnel, I assume it's a train headed right toward me.

Laura and I have created a brand new podcast for people like us. It's called Tiny Victories. We're sharing personal tiny victories or things we've read or seen that inspire resilience. So if you're looking for a tiny reason to get out of bed each week, subscribe to Tiny Victories. Available on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Let's get tiny. It's Jordan, Jesse, and Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Nicole Thurman, your mom i can i make a new one i'm all of your mothers surprise bitches i'm your mom i made a lot more flavor than i expected that's right switching it up 77 and bringing the heat that's right yeah that's i look good for my age, too. Everybody tells me I look not a day over 75. Moisturizing. That's the secret.

That's what it is. I drink a lot of water and I moisturize. Just me and J-Lo putting on some olive oil on our faces. That's what it does. You do that together. Oh, yeah. Keeps me forever young. I do that with my buddy Jude.

I love Jude. I love him. You know do that with my buddy Jude. I love Jude. I love him. You know I do. Hey, Jude. We love you. We have a gorgeous bald men club. Oh, nice. It's mostly just putting olive oil on our faces, though.

Me and my buddy Ben Affleck, we just get together and throw Duncan's munchkins at each other. Try to catch them in your mouth. Yeah, that's why we stay so greasy that's why it always looks so greasy some people moisturize some people just get powder you know donuts all over the place yeah grease that works too god i would love to use powdered donuts to powder my nose yeah that would be nice can i tell you something about powdered donuts i think they're fucking garbage they are they're not great you know that bag of donuts somebody brings to the potluck after church you eat it because it's better than the other shit from the like it's better than a muffin

but it fucking sucks compared to a donut nobody wants it and then it always dries your mouth out so you're just like like trying to like suffer through it yes you know you know what has the those the little chocolate ones have that waxy chocolate i like the waxy chocolate the waxy chocolate is fun to like pull off with your tongue yes i think that is you've you've identified the exact appeal of that waxy chocolate it is the act of removing it from the donut intact. That it can be lifted like a Jude Law hairpiece directly from... I got nothing but love for Jude Law. I watched that Jude Law submarine movie.

Loved it. Three stars. Three stars out of three? How many stars movie that basically didn't even make it into theaters loved it loved jude law loved the submarine the whole nine yards jordan your thoughts about evil robot jude law oh uh yeah i'm pro i'm pro jude um, I mean, talented Mr. Ripley. The movie whose name I forget where he removes people's organs who have stalled on their organ payments. Anyway, it's good. Forest Whitaker is also good in it.

They have a fun buddy chemistry. Buddy chemistry in a movie where they remove organs? Sounds like a fun buddy thing. Just like a little light romp, a little road trip movie. It's a nice romp and there's a lot of scalpel fights in it, I remember. I love it. Jude Law is a fast-talking import from Atlanta and Forrest Whitaker is his by-the-books partner.

They'll take a road trip that'll last them the whole summer and they'll learn valuable lessons from each other that they wouldn't have learned before. Yeah, it's the friends we made along the way friends are maybe yeah exactly you know what question this episode of jordan jesse go is really brought up for me i don't know i we like to we like to close the show with uh uh questions that we're that we're facing just so you know nicole okay we actually don't do that we've never done that go ahead jesse i guess i guess the question since we do this every show i don't know that. We've never done that. Go ahead, Jesse. I guess the question, since we do this every show,

I don't know if this is going to be great, but since we do it every show, I guess the question this brings up for me is, Adrian Brody, what's that guy up to? Good and everything. Adrian Brody. I think I asked someone that recently who works in Hollywood. This could be wrong. I could be wrong about this. I've learned that recently, who works in Hollywood. Uh-huh.

And this could be wrong. I could be wrong about this. I think he was too crazy to work with. Oh, no. I mean, he seems a little Looney Tunes. I follow him on Instagram. I think you were too much trouble versus the return you're getting. I don't know, because I'm watching 2005 kong with my kid oh yeah he's one of the stars of that movie and uh he brings a lot to the table in that film

couldn't agree more he did a um fashion show recently there's a few actors that were in and i think i can't remember who now gary oldman was one of them i think but it was like they did a fashion show where they were modeling suits and just walking and looking hot. He's doing a little work every now and then. So there you go. He didn't have to talk in it. So, yeah, he's easier probably. He just walks. You know what?

How about this? Adrienne Brody, call me. Yeah. I don't care how crazy you are. You're cast as a guest on Jordan, Jesse Go. Wow. Adrienne Brody. Can you win an Oscar for a podcast guest spot?

We've already won four. There you go. And we're the hosts of the show. That's incredible. Jordan, Jesse, if you were guests, you'd have been the best. Absolutely. Have some of these Oscar awards. Absolutely.

And actually, the Podcast Guest Oscar is one of those that they don't give out on the telecast. They give it out at another time. And actually, I think that time is right now, so I'll go ahead and read the winner. This year's Oscar for Podcast Guest goes to Nicole Thurman. Nicole Thurman!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Jordan, it's the wrong envelope. It was Maria Bamford. Oh, no. Nicole Thurman Nicole Thurman oh my god oh my god Jordan it's the wrong envelope it was Maria Bamford oh no Maria Bamford was supposed to win you called

a Warren Beatty whoever he is oh my god this is a sad day for me but you know what just to have that moment of fleeting fame and Oscar success

I will take it thank you so much I mean it's a real I mean I don't want to put words from your mouth, but I think it's an honor just to be nominated. Oh yeah, please put those words in my mouth. It is. That's what I was about to say. Dick Tracy and

Bullworth. Those were the Warren Beatty movies I'd seen. Dick Tracy, where he's a cartoon detective rendered in vivid technicolor. And Bullworth, where he was rapping Bill Clinton. A cartoon detective rendered in vivid technicolor. Yeah. And Bullworth, where he was rapping Bill Clinton.

Rapping Bill? Oh. It was like if Bill Clinton rapped. Uh-huh. I think I'll take Dick Tracy over Bullworth if we're doing a hot people competition again. That's what I would put in my hot people competition. Nothing makes you hotter than a little TV watch. Hey, diddy. That's what I would put in my hot people competition. Nothing makes you hotter than a little TV watch. I wish I could think of any of those secondary characters from Dick Tracy so I could say that actually I'm more of a blah, blah, blah.

Mumbles. Mumbles. Thank you. I'm more of a mumbles man. Okay. Nicole Thurman, you see her on your television here there and everywhere else Nicole what are we plugging just your Instagram

hot celebrity contest just follow me on Instagram and Twitter at Nicole Thurman two C's in my first name just give me a follow come vote on some hot people and you know what smash that subscribe button smash it

I don't know where you get the computers with the subscribe button on them. Is that like F6? Do I press function F6? Jesse, just go hand your computer to one of my friends on the Geek Squad. Thank you very much. Tell them you need a subscribe button. I get so worried and i just feel a sense of calm when i see their distinctive pt cruiser right you know you know you're in good hands the only time that sentence will ever be said i think our theme music is love you by the

free design courtesy of the free design and their label, Light in the Attic Records. Our thanks to them. Our producer, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. Valerie Moffitt manning the Facebook video stream. Yeah, that's right. We've been video streaming to Facebook late Sunday nights on the East Coast when you should be going to bed before work the next day. Thank you to Val for that.

Jordan is on Twitter at Jordan underscore Morris. I am on Twitter at Jesse Thorne. We are on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com. I am on Instagram at Put.this.on. Jordan is on Instagram at Jordan David Morris. David's his middle name, folks. That's the big reveal in this credit sequence. Hashtag it JJ Go on Twitter, and we will talk to you next time on Jordan and Jesse Go.

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