Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 692: Slip In A Plug with Chris Gethard

Episode Date: June 18, 2021

Chris Gethard (Half My Life comedy special, Beautiful/Anonymous podcast) joins Jordan and Jesse on day twelve of a two-week quarantine in a sad hotel in Vancouver to discuss Jesse's visceral aversion to a man wearing spurs at the flea market, Chris's unlikely connection to Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau's mother, and Chris's dedication to the original rules and the art of Wiffle Ball. Spend a few bucks to watch Chris's new stand up comedy special, Half My Life!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. Oh, it's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Well, I was at the Rose Bowl flea market this morning, Jordan. This is just the kind of lifestyle I have. Right. I got the kind of coin to hit the flea yeah and if i see

a bus station luggage locker that i want i just i just break off some bills and hit that dude up yeah what's uh what's going in the luggage locker i haven't even decided yet i mean there's enough for for me to have one locker for each of my kids oh well that's nice they could put their yeah like if they're running their mouth oh don't just stuff the kids into i thought maybe the kids could put their like shoes or treasures yeah so either one would make sense yeah no yours makes sense too yours is a good one too i was so this is what this is what happened at the flea market. Yes. Just shit. What is a pleasure about the flea market is two things. One, unlike a store, if you see something you like, you could probably just get it. You know what I mean?

Like at a store, you can't just see. Like, what is this? Oh, that costs $1,500. You can't just see it and get it. What would you say is the ceiling at the flea market? What's the rarest, most expensive item there? What are you dropping? Well, I mean, I think there might be somebody there,

you know, selling a $5,000 ring. Okay. I could see that happening. But I'm not talking about this. I'm talking about bus lockers. So that's number one that's good. Number two is it's just a great place to be, see, and visit with fucking weirdos. You know what I mean? Sure, yeah.

Nobody is judging you at the flea market. Just get out there and do your fucking thing. Yeah, it's probably a place where the unicycle types of the world thrive. And it's not just unicycle types. It's girls in nylons at eight o'clock in the morning. The kind with a line that goes up the back like on VJ day. More like BJ day. Am I right, Jordan?

Jesse. Or to oral sex. Oh, oh I'm sorry I thought yeah oral sex is great I thought yeah I thought you were talking about the place that sells that deep dish pizza ew although I do love their pizookie or just a guy who's wearing waders w-a-d-e-r-s and then he has a sign around his neck that says, I buy old fishing tackle. Gotcha. Like, that guy is completely welcome at the flea market. Maybe there are people who are, like, dressing in self-conscious period clothing, and also

people who are dressing in period clothing but are not self-conscious about it. They, like, don't know. Yes. All categories. And, you know, like you make friends there. It's a good place to make a friend who, like, they dropped out of middle school to become a prospector. So who had the bus lockers on sale? And did you get a sense of where they got the bus lockers? Well, see, the bus lockers had traveled from a different flea market, the Alameda Flea Market in the Bay Area.

So I think my thing is I'm going to bring them to Brimfield in Massachusetts and we'll see. It'll be like one of those things where your fourth grade class, they have like a stuffed animal and everyone takes it on their summer vacation and sends a picture to everyone else. Oh, that's really nice. Yeah, but with bus

lockers. So anyway, I found the limits of my... Normally I love that everyone there is a fucking weirdo. It's great. But i found the limits of my normally i love that everyone there is a fucking weirdo it's great but i found the limit of what i'm willing to tolerate okay very handsome man i'd say in his late 20s maybe 30 ish very handsome guy looked like david crosby if david crosby was six foot two with a somewhat athletic build. Okay. You know, he had the mustache, the whole thing.

He's wearing a 70s polycotton blend t-shirt, baby blue. It says Superdad on it. Okay. So that part is fine. Yeah, I don't hate any of this. I don't hate any of this. I wish that I believed that the man had children. I wish that, but I don't think the man had children.

I think this was an ironic super dad shirt. Do you think as a dad this is stolen valor? For Christmas I bought myself a license plate frame from a friend that does estate sales that says super dad on it. So it was pretty close to home

that someone was ironically being a thing that I was doing sincerely. that wasn't the problem jordan okay but i mean hey i mean this is i mean we're you know we're definitely from the age where yeah that type of thing yeah it was a big part of the aesthetic wearing the the bowling shirt with somebody else's name on it yeah so you draw the line at non-dads who have not experienced the struggle and the joys of dadhood. I don't. I don't. If this was what it was, I would forgive Tall Crosby. Okay. Because he's pretty. He was a good looking guy. The shirt was tight. He was wearing it. Right. Okay. He looked good. Big fucking rodeo belt buckle and i don't know that this guy's in a rodeo but i don't think he went in a rodeo i think he bought it at the rose bowl flea market but it

looked good again it looked good and and you're gonna learn why it's a problem that it looks so good he's wearing tight tight flared jeans well flared more than a boot cut less than a bell bottom more than a boot cut okay like a good wide flare but not a floppy flare he's wearing very pointy very intense cowboy boots well-worn sandy suede cowboy boots now so, so far, you're just thinking to yourself, well, this sounds like a handsome guy who's proud of how handsome he is and is wearing a wild-ass outfit. This guy is just not a horseman.

That much is clear. Maybe this guy spent some time in Greta Van Fleet. Yeah. Remember when that was a thing? Anyway. I'm looking at this guy. I'm looking at his belt buckle. I'm taking a look at his tight pants.

You know, checking out his buns. Sure. And I hear this sound. Jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle. A sound that can only be described as a jingle, jangle, jingle. Like a Christmas noise? Yeah. I think that's a fair approximation.

If you imagine the sleigh bells in an average white band song Where is this sound coming from? Sound could be coming from anywhere This is the flea market This motherfucker's wearing spurs, Jordan This motherfucker was at the flea market At 8 o'clock in the morning Walking around with

fucking spurs real spurs big jingle jangle ass fucking silver spurs do you think that he came from the horse district in burbank no i do not so belt buckle fine yeah spurs not fine do you know why i mean it's okay okay boots okay right nice boots handsome man hot buns so why do you think you have what do you i mean obviously maybe this is just a gut reaction and sometimes you can't explain this stuff you know just it it it hits you you can't explain it it's like it's like attraction it's like a song you love you can't explain why do you know just it it it hits you you can't explain it it's like it's like attraction it's like a song you love you can't explain why do you know why that the other stuff the other kind of goofy fashion stuff was okay with you but the spurs were a bridge too far it was like do you know how in jaws the shark you know Jaws, the shark movie?

Yeah, yeah. It's the original blockbuster. Not a lot of people say that all the time. Yeah. But it was the original blockbuster. More people should say that all the time. So you know how in Jaws, the shark movie Jaws? Yeah, original blockbuster, sure.

You know how sometimes there's like a topless lady swimming in the ocean? Mm-hmm. Or there's a little boy who's got out into the surf yeah and you hear theme from jaws you know what i mean and it's like you know jaws is there about to fucking eat this this boob woman or this this little boy right those fucking spurs followed me around the fucking rose bowl like the jaws song just jingle jangle jingle jangle jingle jangle jingle jangle i was stalked by this man and his tight buns and his handlebar mustache jingle fucking jangle but you can't explain what the what it was about the spurs that made that. Now, Jordan, let me say this. You've known me a long time.

How long have we known each other? 20 years? At least. Have you even one time known me to dress in a mannered fashion? Yeah, I think that maybe. Even one time. Yeah, maybe that's the question in the back of my mind. I have never.

You know me. I'm a t-shirt and jeans guy. Give me a ball cap. I'm happy. Okay? I'm just a regular Joe. You know, I think about this story from college a lot. And so my last year of college,

I lived with a metal guy yeah who who did the and i think i've told the story on the show before but i'll i'll i think it applies here there's a metal guy and he did the metal he did one of two metal shows on our college radio show i remember that guy nice guy yeah and he hated the other metal show. And he hated the other metal show, thought it was bullshit. And I was driving him home one day and I said, I... And the thing about these metal shows, they came on directly... One came on directly after the other. It makes sense. You want to have a metal block.

You don't want to put the reggae and espanol show in between the two metal shows. Right. And I said to him, I honestly cannot tell when your metal show ends and this guy's begins. I'm not a huge metal guy, so I don't know. I can't. Why do you hate this guy who does a show? You were frank with this metal guy. I was being frank. You laid your cards on the table. I wanted to learn. Yeah, you have a commitment to lifelong learning what is it about his metal show that you hate and he's like well he only plays one kind of metal and i play all kinds of metal yeah i play grind core i play power violence and i'm like what's the difference between grind core and power violence and he's like well grind core sounds like power violence only they have longer hair. Yeah. And I'm like, okay, this guy is in a specific world.

Yeah. And there are these minute differences that I do not understand. Right. But these two men who are, for all intents and purposes, identical men. Yes. Practically speaking. Yeah. Have grown to hate each other because of one weird little thing that I do not understand. Yeah. And I am wondering why you, a man who has dressed, has closed things that I do not understand.

I would wear a big bird costume to a funeral and there would be a reason. Sure. Yeah. And I have given up trying to would be a reason. Sure, yeah. And I have given up trying to understand it. Yeah, it's okay. You seem to be having fun. Look, Jordan, I'll talk to Dave Schilling about it. It's fine. You seem to be having fun.

Why this guy's weird anachronism was too much for you. But maybe I will never understand it. Maybe this is the difference between grindcore and power violence. Well, I think I would answer your question in the form of a question, if you don't mind. Sure. What are you, Jordan? One of these fucking spur-wearing motherfuckers walking around with fucking spurs jingle jangling on your boots? No, I would not wear a spur.

Like a fucking average white band song? I would think if I saw the Spurman, I would be, this is a little much. But I also own zero capes, so. Let's introduce our guest on the program. We'll find out where he stands, where he draws the line with regard to urban cowboys. You know him as a film and television star. You know him as a podcaster. You know him

as a stand-up comic, the man behind the brand new stand-up comedy special, Half My Life. He's known Ben Schwartz since Ben Schwartz was a child. That's Sonic the Hedgehog, folks. Chris Gethard. Hi, Chris. It's true. I can tell you lots of things about Schwartz's childhood. But I actually, I'm so confused because I'm listening to this story and I'm going, I'm going, this guy is wearing an outfit and you're describing something I don't like. And I'm actually sitting here going, I feel like the Spurs actually push it back to a place where I respect it again.

Oh, because he had a friend he had a friend that had the whole thing tight t-shirt tucked into the tight stretchy 70s t-shirt with the iron-on decal tucked into the big wide belt buckle and the tight pants and the big flare and the pointy boots but no spurs because he that was the passenger on the horse and the main guy was the driver right right the other guy was the horse driver so the one guy's on the on the four locks and the other guy's on the on the rump boom right there you're not gonna put the spurs on if you ain't driving yeah that's a good point i'm not gonna do that so you think this is a driver passenger do you think the problem is this i'll ask you this chris yeah when i was a

teenager in high school i started dating my now wife theresa the beautiful theresa thorn and before i started dating the beautiful theresa thorn i was dating theresa thorn's good friend marissa corbell drama after no it was fine i was like look marissa i'm gonna i'm gonna date theresa she's like that's fine it was fine you know we were all in the theater program together you got to be chill about this kind of thing oh theater never mind no drama ever yeah if there's one thing if there's one place where that is known for its mature sensible sensible relationships. It's a high school theater program. You rarely find drama at the drama club. I mean, Jordan, that's where you learned to smoke a bubble pipe.

Sure, yes, I know. So, Christopher. Yeah. Marisa Korbel says to Teresa one day, she says, this relationship's never going to work. This is a little something called dramatic irony, Chris, because Teresa and I have been together for 20 years now. But Marisa Korbel says, this relationship's never going to work. This is a little something called dramatic irony, Chris, because you have my, Teresa and I have been together for 20 years now, but Marisa Korbel says, this relationship's never going to

work. You're both passengers. You need a driver. Right. Do you think that the problem is that I'm allied with the passenger community against drivers? That could be it. Maybe the spurs demonstrate some sense of ne'er-do-well dedication to freedom, an ability to just say, I don't know if I'll be on a horse at any point today, so better have the spurs on just in case. Like if shit goes down. Maybe you're just someone who likes to plan and you're someone who likes to be thorough in understanding when things are going to happen, being organized, having logistics. And maybe there's some part of you that's subtly threatened by someone who just goes, I don't know if at some point today I will need to ride a random horse. So I'm wearing spurs in case. Maybe that offends your sensibilities in a way that scares you how would it how would it change things if i mean you obviously you can't ride a horse around the rose bowl flea market there's too many people you know it's too tight in there

you're not going to fit up you're not going to fit a horse in there um you know maybe you could ride a horse to the flea market down the Arroyo Seco. There's a trail. But I don't think you could ride the horse in the flea market. What about this? What if he was riding a fucking pony? It's smaller than a horse? It's a lot smaller than a horse.

They're kind of chunky. I think the ultimate punchline to that is if the guy gets on a bike and then starts riding it but also kicking it like it's a horse. Chris, you are coming to us from kind of an unusual situation. Tell us about the

commuter hotel you find yourself in. Well, I'm very lucky and the first thing I want to say is i'm about to complain about a very cushy life which is that of an actor i booked acting work in canada so i'm in vancouver oh there's season two space force is shooting up here and i have a very small part and i'm lucky they're bringing me back uh but the canadian government has decided even fully vaccinated people uh must have a full 14 day quarantine. And I was told that that means you don't use the hotel gym.

You don't take a walk around the block. You sit in a hotel room for 14 days. So I'm about 12.5 days in. Wow. You can obviously the audio listeners can't tell, but like traditional hotel, not good art, the kitchenette that before we started recording,

I did describe it as like, it's the kitchenette of somebody in a life transition who doesn't know when they're going to sign a lease and on what type of dwelling. Someone who maybe, who is still hopeful their wife might take them back. Something along those lines is happening. Yeah. The situation's not great. I'll just say that. I'll just say overall, this situation is not great. Have you thought about customizing it like it was a Scion? Well, what I've thought about is leaving and taking my chances.

And then I was told by someone else, another friend in the comedy world, who said they had a friend who left and got caught. And they were charged a six-figure fine for leaving the hotel room. Yeah, see, you could create an international incident, too. I really could. I really could. What if Justin Trudeau heard about that? Oh, boy.

What if dreamy Prime Minister Justin Trudeau came after you personally on his fucking pony? I have a weird connection. I have a weird connection with Justin Trudeau came after you personally on his fucking pony. I have a weird connection. I have a weird connection with Justin Trudeau. What's that? His mother did a one-woman show and hired the director of my one-person show that became an HBO special. Wait, after you? Yes. So your HBO special was only four years ago or something yes four

yeah great memory not not long ago yeah margaret trudeau has since done a one-person show and her husband was also prime minister i believe that's correct yeah and i have read interviews where she said she had decided she wanted to do this and some people on her team were looking for directors and that they sent her my show and said, we can get the woman who directed this. She's up for it if you're up for it. And she gave some quote along the lines of like, I really liked what I saw because it was a comedian,

but it was like really not funny. So I knew the director was versatile. because it was a comedian, but it was really not funny. So I knew the director was versatile. It was something like that, where Margaret Trudeau was expressing admiration, but in a way that made me really insecure. Have you seen the show?

I have not. I have not. Though I'm slated to catch up with my old director when I get back to the States. So interested in hearing how it went. I actually did see it jordan oh yeah how would you think uh it was interesting i went in expecting kind of like i mean just kind of like both stories and uh reflections on what it's like to be the partner of a former prime minister and the parent of the current prime minister, like stories about world leaders and things like that.

But it was actually just a remake, a word-for-word remake of Anna Deavere Smith's Twilight Los Angeles 1992. It was about the Los Angeles riots, which I was really surprised by. But how was the direction? How was the direction? It was very surprised by. But how was the direction? How was the direction? It was very well directed. What I liked was that like Anna Deavere Smith, she would put on different hats to show that she was different characters. And she really did the work of making each of those characters distinct and specific

so you could share the story of all of the different forces that made the riots or if you prefer uprisings right uh happen in central los angeles in the early 1990s which i thought was incredible i mean obviously can she top anna devere smith hard to say theatrically but anna devereere Smith has never sired the leader of a nation. There you go. Points for her. As far as I know. I don't know who Joe Biden's mother is. Chris, how have you spent your 12 and a half inside days? That is a long time to be so purely inside.

It's a lot. It is a lot. There's stretches that i can tell you that i've actually just kind of sat around i've tried desperately to get work done luckily and this is not trying to just like slip in another plug but like luckily i did have this special come out while i was up here so yeah there was like a lot of you know i was able to break up the days by by talking to people about it and stuff like that. That helped a lot. Chris, when it comes to plugs, our policy is slip it in, babe.

Yeah. Babe, slip it in. Yeah, you got our consent. Full consent, Chris. Slip it in. Slip it in. Okay. Yes means yes, Chris.

Uh-huh. All right. Like two people at a corporate conference who are in the mood to make some bad decisions. This is a hotel bar, Chris. Yeah. We got a couple of,

we got a couple of drink tickets. This room is on the company card, baby. Grab a couple of G and T's and slip in that plug. But yeah, that has, that has helped. And then I've been doing,

um, uh, low impact cardio workouts that I find on YouTube. I found... Okay. There's actually these videos my wife watches. I started watching them

and I've done them at home with her a couple of times, but I've now come to learn the sort of like social dynamics amongst all the different... There's this thing called Team Body Project. They got a million great videos. And Daniel and Alex are married, which I knew. And I feel like the reason these videos are popular

is because Daniel's a goofball. Alex is a badass, but she's pretty small and he's pretty big. And then the sort of assistant instructors are more insular, the people they bring in. I think, honestly, Kristen has a crush on Daniel, but my wife says that I'm crazy, but he's always- Do you always Kristen is a fucking homewrecker. No, he's not. No, but Daniel's the one he turns on the charm with her so bad. He turns on the turn and she's got a smile that could light up a room. And that's

what my wife said is you're going to, why are you judging this woman for smiling? It's because she has a great smile. I go, no, because when Daniel sees that smile, he craves that smile. And he starts turning on the charm to the point where I think he's flirting. And it's distracting me as I'm trying to do this low-impact cardio workout. Just what happened in my high school drama club. Yeah. All of a sudden, can I tell you what I'm worried about? Yeah.

Well, if Daniel gets enough smiles, he's going to be doing a high-impact cardio workout. Right. Meet somebody at the hotel bar, if you know what I mean. Sure. Horizontal high-impact cardio workout. Right. Meet somebody at the hotel bar, if you know what I mean. Sure. Horizontal high-impact cardio. Yeah. That's what my dad liked to call it. Your dad was a cool guy.

He was a pretty cool guy. They're great videos, and they get you sweating, but even though I'm doing a bit right now, I do realize that is what 14 days in a hotel room will do. It will get to the point where I can do bits about what I'm perceiving between people and YouTube workout videos. Right. I do think there is an element. I was talking to a friend who kind of joined the Peloton ranks and is just all in on Peloton.

And was talking about, oh, do you have favorite instructors? And I'm like, oh, yeah, I totally have favorite instructors. This one, this one, this one. And this other one is really funny. And I was thinking to myself, there's no fucking way the Peloton instructor is funny. There's no way. That's my thing. That's their thing.

Yeah. That's their thing. They're in good shape. Chris, have you no way somebody who's in good shape could be funny Chris do you have hotel room television programs because I think for many of us who spend time in

hotel rooms touring entertainers people who work the road as sales people or other business stuff, you have television programs that you will watch in a hotel room that you will not watch in your regular life. Well, I also don't have cable at home, and I haven't for years. So all of a sudden, I get to sink my teeth into some stuff. The big one for me right now is that the NBA playoffs are on. teeth into some stuff. The big one for me right now is that the NBA playoffs are on. And I am a pretty big basketball fan who's watched way too many games on like laptops, streaming and stuff

like that. So I've been soaking up the playoffs. That's been really good. And I'll tell you another thing, which now I own a home. I bought a home last year, so it makes more sense. But for a long time, I have found that if you put me in a hotel room unchecked with the tv i will strangely gravitate towards hgtv and i'm not certain why but it's i find it very compelling i see how people get so sucked into it i i guess i i have not watched much hgtv in my life um but i do know it as you you know, that's the stereotype about it, is that it's something you turn on in a hotel, something you kind of turn on in the background, kind of like it's a white noise. What do you

like to watch on it, and can you describe the appeal? Well, there's one program in particular, and I'm blanking on the name because I don't watch it enough, but I've found it's on HGTV all the time, because in the times I am around TVs, I often cross paths with it, where it's on HGTV all the time because in the times I am around TVs I often cross paths with it where it's this couple who they flip houses

and help other people flip houses in the Waco, Texas area and it's fun to see how they want to reshape the house but then I also noticed they have that nice TV like that sort of like reality TV sweet spot which is that they're both like, how would I say it? Like they're hot people.

They are a hot couple. Right. But they're not hot like TV hot. They're hot like HGTV hot. Someone you would see at a hotel bar during a conference. Yeah. And ask them if they wanted to slip in a plug. They're like the hottest people you see in real life.

And they host this TV show. And then you get to watch these hot people think about to slip in a plug. They're like the hottest people you see in real life. And they host this TV show. And then you get to watch these hot people think about how to flip a home and think about, okay, we'll come in, we'll fix up your home and we'll increase the value by this much. So there's something to that of like, this is a weird station that is somehow playing into some like eye candy sex appeal, but 100% accurately at the level to which home and garden television should be making that play yeah they're really staying within their parameters of what they are but they're still pushing it to the max for them yeah and i like it well that's not the answer you were looking for no i mean i think uh jordan and i know a little something about that. I think when Jordan and I were doing on-air work, a lot of people told us that that's about where we sat, you know, hotness-wise.

It was like, you're not, you know, Penelope Cruz, but you're Penelope Cruz's sister. You know what I mean? I want to know which network this is for for the parameters well this is when jordan when when jordan and i were working together on ifc tvs the grid uh okay yeah it was a hgtv hot it's different than ifc hot yeah but um but you know a lot of when ifc hot it helps to be slightly off yeah like when like when my show is on true tv i was not um i was not very hot but fusion i was a little higher up in the ranks chris i think you are 10 times as fuckable as the impractical joker have you seen them though they're all very very charismatic and charming yeah i mean no yeah

i mean i understand i understand the charms but i mean as far as pure fuckability i mean you've got it depends i mean it depends on who mean, it depends on who's looking. It depends on who's looking. It's one man's opinion. One man's opinion. If you want somebody to dominate, I'm definitely more up your alley than the Jokers. But if you're somebody who's into like an otter or a bear, then you're going Joker all day long. Let me ask you this, though, Chris Gethard. Do you not think, look, you're a successful comedian going joker all day long let me ask you this though chris gether do

you not think look you're a successful comedian you're a successful podcaster jordan and i are comedians podcasters and i think that sure are we penelope cruz's sister hot? Maybe we once were back in our IFC days, but not anymore. You know, you used to be on cable access. That's when you know you're really hot. Oh, that had a mystique, yeah. That's a real sexiness. But here's my question. Don't you think, Chris Gethard, that you are an HGTV level of hot,

but not for fucking, for being friends with. I think I can be friends in most environments. Yeah. I think I can foster a friendship level trust in a lot of environments. That's what it's funny. I was actually just texting. I have a, I have a very, very funny relationship in my life. I'm not friends with too many people like comedy and entertainment people i've always been an outlier but i have a very strange relationship with jake johnson who i knew when he was coming up at ucb but we were never that tight but the two things were that i would consistently see him in shows and i'd be like why the fuck aren't they putting you on a team you're one of the best he's like i don't know man like i feel like i'm doing good i'm like you're

great i don't know what's wrong with them. And he always liked that. And then it turned out we both liked wiffle ball. And we always said we got to play wiffle ball together. So now this was 20 years ago. This was literally 20 years ago. This is before wiffle ball got hot. Way before when it was just a childhood game. And he moved to LA 17, 18 years ago. And he and I will still sometimes catch up. And he just recently told me, I was just texting him randomly. I will text him once every two and a half or three years and say, I'm going to whip your ass at wiffle ball.

Why are you dodging me? This has been going on for almost 20 years. A man who I do not really know that well, who every few years I challenge him to wiffle ball and we catch up for like 10 minutes. And just recently we had that. And I was telling him, like, him like i don't know he's like what are you working on i'm like i don't know how much i like doing my stuff and it's uncertain but i have to get health insurance so i keep trying to act but i'm directionless with it he's like it reminded me of what you just said being the friend because he's like you should just start only auditioning for like eighth or ninth on the call

sheet. I'm like, it's all I want. My dream job, my absolute dream job is what like Judah Freelander and John Lutz had on 30 rock. Give me that. Give me that.

You don't need to be number three or four on the call sheet. You don't need that Al Madrigal bullshit. Nope. Getting cast every year as someone's best friend. But you need somebody, like if it's the office, I'm like Stanley or below. That's what I want my responsibility to be. Nice.

You want to be in gift country. Yes, I want to be a nice, memeable, reliably getting my health insurance person who's not gonna i'm not gonna have my agents twist the screws for more money yeah if you get me over those health insurance minimums every year i earn some nice residuals be happy to do that and then i'll go do all my wackadoo stuff on the side but yeah jake was just telling me you gotta just you gotta play like the friends man and and then and, I will text him. I will not follow up with him about it.

And then sometime around 2024 or 2025, I will text him and I'll say, you're still scared. I know you've been on the East Coast in the past three years. You're dodging me a wiffle ball. And we'll check in and see how it went. How is wiffle ball different from baseball? I mean, other than the equipment. The rules of wiffle ball. I know the equipment that it takes to play wiffle ball.

I'm being serious. I have to ask you. This is a serious question. This is serious. This is a serious question. Chris, just for your context, Jordan's sports experience ends roughly with Jim Abbott, the Los Angeles Angels, then California Angels one-handed pitcher. Wiffle ball is one of the all-time great games and one of the all-time great sports. I know in the Northeast it's kind of held sacred in certain ways. It's sort of like part of your stickball family of baseball iterations.

Plastic, yellow bat, white ball. The main difference, I would say, in what you're talking for rules-wise is that traditionally, when most people play, some people play different ways. You're a traditionalist, Chris. I think most people know my mentality, my career, the choices I make. Firm traditionalist. In both wiffle ball rules and our country's constitution, right? Constitution, law, social mores, career choices, traditional. So you're not just a traditionalist when it comes to Wiffle Ball.

You're a strict constructionist. You're an originalist. I play Wiffle Ball as Mr. Wiffle intended it. The great John Wiffle. The great John Wiffle intended it. The main thing I would say is that you aren't running bases. Okay. You keep track of base runners in your head, and all gauge is distance.

So if a pitcher snags a ground ball without it getting past him, you're out. If it goes past him, it's a single. If it goes over his head and lands, it's a double. Further distance, triple. Further distance, home run. Then there's all sorts of rules about how you do double plays, and there's different ways that people will construct a strike zone. That's the main thing, is that it's just pitching and hitting and fielding,

no base running. But then the real trick of wiffle ball is that it has a lot of personality to it because you can get that ball to do some real crazy shit if you know how to pitch it right and there's people who put a lot of time into scuffing up a ball in a specific way this is true this is not a bit okay like like someone will season a cast iron pan exactly yes like okay like when i was a kid you i'd spend a lot of time like like gouging a wiffle ball just on a curb just on one side to get some deeper gashes in there and then if the there's certain parts of it that if they actually break you can't use that ball anymore and then a lot of wiffle ball uh and and my

neighborhood was like this and i actually know there are like professional aspirational like wiffle ball leagues I don't know professional I don't know if people live off them but people take it really seriously where you are allowed to cork the bat it's actually kind of considered part of the art of the game so scuffing up the ball corking the bat figuring that out those are parts of it but the main thing

yeah you're no base runners you're just keeping track of all that in your head but it's the best. And Jake Johnson sucks at it and I rule at it. When you were talking about, you know, like intentionally scuffing up the wiffle ball so you can make it do crazy shit, I had a flashback to my childhood

where a guy was explaining to me why you had to microwave your hacky sack. Oh, yeah. And I don't, yes, I never hacky sacked with any regularity but like it was it was like right after pogs in my world like kids did pogs and then got into to hackin and yeah and i think there was there was a there was a there was a microwave your hacky sack contingent and i uh i i never understood what they were talking about I remember a lot of sort of people trying to figure out how to manipulate

pogs in their own right I had a short pog face and I felt like that was another thing people had their own methodologies tricks and there's rules I mean you gotta decide are you or are you not gonna allow metal slammers right out of the gate but I think Chris

so in wiffle ball one half of the ball is perforated. So you can do crazy, depending on how you orient the ball, throw the ball, you can do crazy curve balls and stuff like that. And I think that would make for a pretty extraordinary semi-professional sport i think they're i mean there are professional baseball players who are more passionate about wiffleball than they are about baseball i mean you can get it there's one of the standard pitches for someone really good and i never hit this point is you know when someone's really good when they can throw a riser they can throw a pitch that looks like it's about to hit the ground and then all of us i i i've always played with you set up a folding chair that's the strike zone if it hits the metal is a strike where you will say that

thing was in the fucking dirt and it rose up and hit the hit the uh hit the chair but yeah people take it serious it's like how you always hear that um apparently nba player rayjean rondo his real passion in life is Connect Four. Have you ever heard this? I haven't heard about that. Rajon Rondo is apparently one of the world's greatest Connect Four players. Oh my God.

Hands down, bar none. We'll drop everything to play Connect Four and can destroy people at Connect Four. But my greatest passion, my greatest interest, is someone who competes at the top level of their sport yeah and then decides to just shift down a few gears and let it cruise at a lower level like Like there was a recently Manny Ramirez, the, you know, legendary slugger of the Cleveland baseball team, the Los Angeles Dodgers, etc. He is a 50 year old or however old he is now, signed up to play in the Australian Professional Baseball League.

Oh, that's awesome. in the Australian Professional Baseball League. Oh, that's awesome. But beyond that, my greatest hero in this area is this man named Billy Butler, who was a designated hitter for the Kansas City Royals and the Oakland A's. And he's a big boy. This guy is a beefer.

His nickname was Country Breakfast. And Billy Butler sort of signed this big contract with the A's who don't give out a lot of big contracts. And he really stunk up the joint for two of the three years of his contract. I think he eventually got designated for assignment, as they say. He got cut. And he went and played in a men's softball league, like a local men's softball league, just cashing his checks and playing softball. That I love to the end of the earth. Country breakfast, God bless you. Just could you imagine showing up for softball with your friends from work and you're like who is that huge who is that huge but nonetheless apparently reasonably athletic guy somebody says oh

three three years ago that guy was in the world series like there's basketball players there's there's n's NBA basketball semi-stars playing in Ice Cube's three-on-three league right now. That's what I want. I read about a pro football player who got signed to a big eSports team, and he's playing Call of Duty professionally. And in this interview with this guy, he said that he wanted to be considered a two-sport athlete like Bo Jackson. I mean, that's about the same as Bo Jackson, right?

Yeah. Breaking a keyboard over his knee? That's a little Bo Jackson humor for you guys. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know if he plays with mouse and keyboard, or I don't know if he plays with a pad. It's probably a preference thing. Bo Jackson is a three-sport athlete. Football, baseball, and bow know. Yeah, I don't know if he plays with mouse and keyboard, or I don't know if he plays with a pad. It's probably a preference thing. Bo Jackson is a three-sport athlete.

Football. Yeah, he does bow hunting, right? Baseball and bow hunting, yeah. So, seems like this dude's got to pick up another sport. I also love a guy who goes to the Olympics in a thing that's not his thing. Herschel Walker was on the, the football legend Herschel Walker was on the American bobsled team for a while. And outside of playing for the Minnesota Vikings,

I don't think his cultural background included a lot of bobsledding. Maybe I'm making presumptions. How'd he do? He must have been good. Good. It was, I mean, fucking America. We're one of the best countries at anything in Olympics. Yeah, I guess there's a lot of stuff you can do.

You're like, I've been developing upper arm strength. So there's like a couple, there's like, I have strong arms. So there's probably a couple of sports I could do good at. Yeah. Football teams now have a free roster spot, like an extra roster spot that doesn't count against the regular roster spots for a guy from another country. that doesn't count against the regular roster spots for a guy from another country. So if it's a Mexican guy, you can just go to Mexico, find the biggest dude you can find,

and say, we got a roster spot to fill that has to be someone from another country, but it can't be someone who's already played NFL football. So do you want to come learn how to play football? That I support forever. I think we should have that on baseball teams where you can sign like one shot putter or javelin thrower. I think basketball teams should be able to sign tall guys from a different sport that has tall guys. Can I ask you you now there is a version of this that i know is real that but i don't follow hockey very much but maybe maybe you have more passing knowledge of it than i do which is that every once in a while i will see a story apparently like backup goalkeepers you don't keep many of them around because why would you yeah and there have been a few situations where NHL teams will sort of just find

some random guy from like a local rec league to come sit around like on the very, very remote chance that we lose both goalies. And it's happened to play, to play Chris and people have played on the national hockey league. Teams have two goaltenders, Patrick Waugh and a sec. I can't name a second goaltender. And so if Patrick Waugh gets hurt, and then second goaltender Guy LaFranche gets hurt, they both get hurt. a guy in the arena who works for the arena or something who gets 50 bucks to come to every game and sit there and if both goalies get hurt he goes in so this is like a they keep the arena

keeps this guy on hand it's just a local guy it's not a guy for the team it's a it's a guy for the area this person doesn't travel with the team if you're on the road you get the guy from that area so he basically gets free season tickets yeah the terror of knowing that at a moment's notice he might have to get slapshots blasted at him by professional hockey players i bet in, this was the premise of a Will Ferrell movie that didn't get made. Yes. No question about it. So Chris, let me ask you this. Let me ask you this, Chris. You're a big National Basketball Association fan. What's your favorite basketball club? Historically, the New York Knicks, which has been very, very, very difficult for a decade up until

recently. So full disclosure, I have been following the college game more the past few years for the Seton Hall Pirates. Okay. But let's talk NBA right now. Let's focus on the New York Knicks, the legendary— I just wanted to be very honest with you. Yeah. Thank you. So you're at Madison Square Garden.

Yes. When they ask, I do. I see where this is going. Yes. When they ask, I do. I see where this is going. Yes. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Yes, I will get on the court knowing how bad it will go for me.

Yes, I do get on the court if they're down a man and inexplicably turn to me as the guy who needs to be the fifth guy on the court. Thank you. I see where this is going. Absolutely. Do I understand that? What are you playing? Maybe off guard? Is that what you're thinking? Yeah. I mean, I got no handle, but I can where this is going. Absolutely. What are you playing? Maybe off guard? Is that what you're thinking? Yeah, I mean, I got no handle, but

I can chuck up a three. Small forward? No, small forward. I can't guard them. Like a Mark Price situation? I'll try to be a late career Mark Price for you. It's the best I can promise. Now, it's a similar scenario. You're at Madison Square Garden.

You're watching the game. You're enjoying the game. Phone. You know, you're watching the game. You're enjoying the game. Phone rings. Yeah. Chris, we're down the street at the hockey arena. Yeah. What do you think? Both of our goaltenders are out.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Will you leave the basketball game and come tend goal? I probably would say yes just for the story. Yeah. To be fair, Madison Square Garden is also the hockey arena. It's where the Rangers play as well. But if I had to get across the river over to the Prudential Center where the Jersey Devils play, I'll do that.

Now, let me ask you this, Chris. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're at Madison Square Garden, the legendary Madison Square Garden, MSG. The world's most famous arena. You're watching the Westminster Dog Show. Yeah. Uh-huh. A spaniel cuts its paw.

Yep. They say, Chris, we need a sub for the agility portion of the... Yeah. What do you say? I'm in. Yeah. My mother-in-law and my sister-in-law both love that thing. They get such a kick out of it.

And you love hoops. If I had to compete against a dog in that, run up the, and just try to. But what, the sad part, see, that's rigged because if I do well, I'm just a weirdo. But then if I like, what if it's like. But you, what if you lose to a fucking pug? And it's like, because I lose focus compared. You know how the dogs will sometimes just kind of lose focus and the owners have to keep snapping?

What if that's how I lose because I'm not as good at the dog things as the dogs? Chris Gathard lost to a French bulldog because he saw a squirrel. Yeah. And also just maybe just a little bonus benefit of that is you get someone to check your gums and haunches. Yeah. Yeah. Free dental care. Yeah. Yeah. Free dental care.

Free dental care. Thank you. Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, fund.org slash join. Every time we get a monthly membership report from the business office of maximum fund, Jordan and I both get it every time I look at it and I think, huh, these people pay us to do this.

So I'm very grateful, very grateful to every member of maximum fund. Always nice to be delighted and confused by that email. Yeah. Uh, we're also supported this week by our friends at magic spoon, magic spoon. Absolutely. The're also supported this week by our friends at Magic Spoon. Magic Spoon, absolutely the number one mail order cereal I've eaten in my life. I'll go ahead and join you,

Jesse. I will join you in that bold claim that Magic Spoon is the best mail order cereal that is also not bad for you. Yeah. We're talking about zero grams of sugar. We're talking about 13 to 14 grams of protein. That's like, that's not just like a protein drink. That's like the, the like extra protein, protein drink. That's how much protein that is. 140 calories. Very, very reasonable. Very healthy. Only four net grams of carbs in each serving, Jordan.

Net. That is income minus cost. It's keto-friendly, gluten-free, grain-free, soy-free, low-carb, and GMO-free. Here's what you do. They've got a bunch of great flavors, and you can build your own box. You get your favorite flavors in there, your own custom bundle. They've got cocoa, fruity, frosted, peanut butter, blueberry, and cinnamon. All of them great. Can I ask you a question,

Jordan? I've been thinking about building my own box. Yeah. I'm not sure I have the right adhesives. Here's the thing, Jesse. With Magic Spoon, they glue the boxes together for you. Holy fuck. Yeah, and then fill them with delicious cereal that's not bad for you. Holy fuck. Yeah, and then fill them with delicious cereal that's not bad for you. Even frosted flavor? Yeah, frosted does it. Cocoa, fruity, all of them. My favorite is peanut butter, Jordan. Listeners know my favorite

is peanut butter. Does it work with peanut butter? I like that it's sweet, but it's not too sweet and it has a little bit of saltiness to it, just like real peanut butter. Yeah, no, the peanut butter boxes are especially sturdy. Oh, Jesus Christ. Well, go to magicspoon.com slash JJGO, grab a custom bundle of cereal and try it today,

and be sure to use our promo code JJGO at checkout to save $5 off your order. Magic Spoon is backed with a 100% happiness guarantee, so if you don't like it for any reason, they'll refund your money, no questions asked. Remember, that's magicspoon.com slash JJGO. Use the code JJGO to save $5 off. Thanks to Magic Spoon, they're in their 100% happiness guarantee. If any of you out there have achieved 100% happiness, keep us posted on that. You're in their 100% happiness guarantee. If any of you out there have achieved 100%

happiness, keep us posted on that. Yeah, you're welcome. We're also brought to you this week by our friends at Lifespan Fitness. So this giant box showed up at the office the other day. Inside is a special desk treadmill. I'm loving this new lifestyle, Jordan. Let's hear about it. Let's hear about this desk treadmill life. Well, I'm out here working at my computer and doing low-impact cardio. Oh my gosh, that's amazing. You're multitasking.

It's spectacular. This thing is durable. It takes maybe a week of walking on this thing to be completely comfortable working while walking on a treadmill, which sounds like an insane thing. It doesn't sound normal to be able to do that. Turns out that it barely takes, you know, 10 days before you are completely comfortable doing that. And it, you know, they say sitting is worse than smoking. You know, that, I mean, look, my father died of cancer and he sat all the time. Oh my gosh.

Yeah. Oh my gosh. I never thought about it like that. Yeah. Think about, think about Grandpa Lee. I will. I will. Every time I sit.

The man passed away. I loved him very much. RIP my dad. Yeah. He would have enjoyed this bit. I think he would have enjoyed this bit, and he would have enjoyed Lifespan Fitness. Yep. You can get the desk and the equipment as a combo. You can add an underdesk bike or treadmill to your existing desk.

Just remember, the secret here is as you walk between 0.5 and 2 miles per hour, you are avoiding the Grim Reaper. You're doing what my beloved father could not. RIP Lee Everett Thorne III. We loved you very much. Visit lifespanfitness.com and use code JJGO at checkout for 5% off. That's LifespanFitness.com and the code is JJGO. By the way, there is a typo in our copy here. It does say visit LifespanFitness.com and use COD JJGO. And I'm not giving up my pet cod JJ Go for anything. No. No discount is worth that.

I'm not giving up Call of Duty, the number one first-person shooter franchise. I'm not giving up the ability to pay for shipments when they arrive rather than advance. Yes, that's called cash on delivery, COD. Okay, let's look up on the Jumbotron where we have a message for Kristen from Mike. It says, happy birthday.

You are the guiding strength of our little family, the constant starter, the light that has brought us through storm. We love you more than words and think you would really find this fun. With love, Mike, Kaya, and Nix. It is really sweet. I can only presume it was sent to the wrong podcast. Yeah, Brian, go ahead and just forward this to Gethard so he can... Let Gethard know that... Yeah, this is his lane. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron it's affordable it's easy go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron we love

to share the messages from the audience to the audience from one little friend to another you know what I mean Jordan MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron we're all little friends and you are also those say hello to your little friend.

Yeah, whether you're Tony Montana or someone else who's on a lot of posters. Maximumfun.org slash Jumbotron. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jordan Jessico. It's Jordan Jessico. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Chris Gethard.

I play Dr. Gary LaMarche on NBC's Blindspot. Thank you for slipping in that. Slipping in a plug. Plug. What is this, the hotel bar? I got to plug the ones that I hold closest to my heart. Juice it up and slide it in, baby. My two very small appearances on NBC Procedural.

I'll slip that in. Oh, nice. Dr. Gary LaMarche. I'm not ashamed. I'll sometimes that in. Oh, nice. Dr. Gary LaMarche. I'm not ashamed. I'll sometimes say ABC scandals Jordan Morris. ABC's scandals Jordan Morris. That rolls off the tongue. I mean, Chris, do you think that Sharon Morris did not get calls about Jordan Morris appearing as unscrupulous tabloid publisher on ABC's scandal?

Because if that's what you think, you are dead wrong. She got calls. Oh. I hope it happened all day. I hope there was a lot of pride there. And I hope you got to soak that in and feel good about it. It was an exciting week for the Morrises. And she has not had one since. Oh, come on. Come on.

You're married to a trombonist. Your whole life is excitement. That's true. My mom is married to a trombonist. Your whole life is excitement. That's true. My mom is married to a trombonist. I am not married to anyone. A professional trombonist? Semi-professional. He gets paid. He plays gigs. I love that.

He doesn't support himself with it, but it's a nice little chunk. What types of gigs? Marching band or ska? Yeah. I would love it if my stepdad was in less than Jake. No, he does like, maybe kind of adjacent even. He does like big band. Got it.

For like the Pasadena Ballroom Dance Society when they have swing night. My stepdad's stepping in. That's why they call him stepdad, because he steps in. I went to the KPCC Pasadena annual gala a couple of times before they dropped my show. It's probably because of your behavior at the galas.

Yeah. Can't have this guy acting up at the galas. I went down to the hotel bar first. Sure. At this gala, there's this major KPCC donor who founded some kind of like a chip company, not like a snack chip company, like a silicon chip company. Sure. Became very rich, you know, Texas Instruments or something like that.

And he's a major donor to KPCC. And the entertainment at every KPCC gala is that guy has his own like 36 piece big band like a count bassy sized big band that this 53 year old dorkwad and I mean I say that fondly as a dorkwad myself I mean I'm not some spurs asshole but that guy conducts this big band, and you're like, every single one of these people is just like, well, I play trombone, so I guess it's Texas Instruments guy. Yeah, your band choices are limited. Isn't that just what the arts were, though, for a lot of history? Yeah. Yeah, that's true.

It was just a guy that invented a computer chip. Sure. It wasn't just, yeah, rich people. I guess I'll come and dance for them while they eat. Right? That was most of art, was just rich people having human pawns to do their will.

I'll paint the ceiling of this chapel. Yeah. This week's Jordan, Jesse, Go! by the way, brought to you by Billy's Hit It A Ton Barbecue Sauce, the official barbecue sauce of Kansas City Royals designated hitter Billy Country Breakfast Butler. This is official barbecue sauce. When something momentous happens to you,

like you finally get your own barbecue sauce, give us a call, 206-984-4FUN. That's 206-984-4FUN That's 206-984-4FUN or just send us a voicemail memo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org jjgoe at maximumfun.org Here's one person who's done that.

We're going to hear them. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and I'm guessing Barenaked Ladies frontman Ed Robertson. This is Juniper she her I just got out of my court hearing and I am officially named Juniper

and I am officially a woman uh it's it that's, it feels like, you know, I'm me. And it's incredible. Thank you so much. Love you guys. Love you too, Juniper.

Yeah, that's great. Heck of a name too. Way to go. Great name choice. I i gotta tell you this if you're picking a name if you're out there picking a name and you're gonna pick the name of a bush one thousand percent juniper is the way to go oh yeah not rose you're taking rose right off the table yeah that's a good point that's a good point sorry juniper you blew it chris gather just poked a hole in your hypocrisy i want to just say chris gather just took you down

a notch you should have named yourself rose that's the fucking bush name uh no juniper's more unique more beautiful i want to send my love i want to say congratulations it fills me with happiness i also am amazed that juniper's one of the very first things that she did was call you guys and committed to the bit of what is it barely bare naked ladies or yeah before we get into this momentous emotional thing let me just also just off the off the cuff just drop it now let's get into this thing i didn't even think of that wrinkle but that is i mean this is already a very beautiful story. I think we can all agree, a very beautiful story, but made even more beautiful by the fact that she also chose to

add to our dumb bit before revealing perhaps the most important moment of her life. Yeah. I think it's really great. I just want to say we do not have a connection to the front man of the Barenaked Ladies. But one time, I got a really nice email from the wife of Ben Fold's bassist. Okay, sure. Just saying.

Yeah, there's a connection there. You can six degrees that, I i'm sure are they officially numbered or is that just a random because it's the ben folds five right yeah ben folds so is the bassist or is he told like you're two right right or is it just there's five of us in general right and is it ben folds plus five others or is it is Folds plus five others, or is Ben Folds, does he count as one of the five? And he's one, clearly, if he does. You know, it'd be a pretty, like, great, it'd be a pretty cool move of him to say, like, listen, we're the Ben Folds Five, I'm three. Yeah. Oh, I like that.

There's three of them, right? I'm not, I don't want to get emails. There's three members of the Ben Folds Five, is that correct? I think it's a trio, right? That sounds right. That also sounds right to me i'm trying to like picture my i'm trying to picture my my cd cover from whatever and ever amen that i had in high school and i think there are three guys on the cover yeah piano bass drum something like that yeah i think if i've always felt that if we if we ever like encounter another, like if the dimensional rift opens

and we get to meet our dark reality, it would be a great foot to start out on if we could just say, hey, we're Earth 2. You can be Earth 1. We'll be Earth 2. And then already we seem cool as shit. We seem so cool and chill.

And then no interdimensional war will happen. two and then like already we seem cool as shit we seem so cool and chill and then like no no interdimensional war will happen i obviously i used to have extraordinary an extraordinary complexion because i mean it's what got me on ifc sure um just i was known for my glow but these days my skin is a drier than it used to be my face is a little cragglier than it used to be. Can I pitch you something? That rift opens. We tell people, you be the Superman universe, we're Bizarro World. Oh, so then

the fact that you're a little craggier. Yeah. Did I mention, by the way, that I wear this medallion around my neck? Right. This Bizarro medallion around... What does his medallion say? Bizarro's medallion? Doesn't he wear a medallion around. What does his medallion say? Bizarro's medallion? Doesn't he wear a medallion?

I can't picture Bizarro's medallion. I think he just wears a Superman outfit with a backwards S on it. Oh, yeah. I thought he wore a medallion. I can't. I can't. I can't with the DC comics.

You might be thinking of Saul and Grundy. He wears a medallion that says Bizarro number one on it. Yeah. I stand corrected. He has a lot ofion that says Bizarro No. 1 on it. Yeah. He is No. 1. I stand corrected. He has a lot of trouble with his complexion. That's why I mention it. Yeah.

Anyway. We got another call in there? Hey, Jordan, Jesse, guest. I'm going to guess cast member of Bubble. Close. I'm calling today with a momentous occasion. And about November 7th, I went into the hospital. I almost died.

My intestine perforated in two places. I had a smoldering case of diverticulitis. I was overcome with infection, and they had to give me surgery. They wanted to give it to me in three months, so I wouldn't have to go through a heart surgery and end up shitting up my gut. Well, yeah, things don't happen the way they're supposed to. And when the doctor went in, he found a large mass inside of my body, attaching my two intestines together and had to remove that along with about a foot of other

intestines. So now I'm on the mend. I'm currently shitting out my gut because I had to have an emergency heartman's halfway through the procedure. And one of my most interesting occasions today is for the first time in 20 years, I climbed a mountain. I know it doesn't seem like much, but I'm doing at least eight miles uphill every day, trying to get my body back into shape, get my smell better, and finally get over all this. And it was just so amazing watching the sunrise from the top of the mountain. Anyway, hope you all have a great day. Thank you.

When did this show become inspirational? Well, it's nothing we're doing. People calling in. But it's not our lane. Gethard does intimate. Someone who, you know, one of these, Dave Ramsey or something, does inspirational. The Purpose Driven Life Guy does inspirational.

Right. Kirk Franklin does inspirational. Brian, is it possible you got someone else's calls? Where's our call about someone farting on their own dog? Like the dog farted and they were able to fart immediately in retaliation. Stolen valor. We're all just wearing dad shirts. God damn it.

God damn it. The part of this call that stood out, a lot of the calls stood out to me. It's a very cool call. Yeah. Congratulations to the caller. But where the caller said, I just climbed a mountain today. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal. Yeah, it does.

Who does? Yeah. Well, Jordan. I killed a bear today. I know. Whatevs. He went up. As far as we're at the base of this thing, as far as we know, he just went up a hill.

Uh-huh. Came down a mountain. But I've never done anything I would say was climbing a mountain, and I've also never had any of my intestines removed, and certainly not in the process of that a large mass discovered. So I feel like if we had just heard that voicemail as, hey, guys, I climbed a mountain, I'd be flipping out right now. Pretty good.

Let alone that the whole preamble had nothing to do with a mountain, and I didn't see it coming at all. Sick of these braggy callers. Oh, and I climbed, and not only. All right. I need to ask you guys something. Yes. Am I right in thinking, so this guy, this is the chronology of this,

he gets his intestine perforated in two places. He gets a nasty case of whatever the fuck. They go in to do the repairs. They find the mass. As he's healing, he becomes stronger than he's ever been in his life, and he climbs up a mountain. That's basically the timeline of this thing, right? Yeah, that's what I took away from it.

And it all starts with those perforations. Should we be eating angry cats whole so you're thinking that's the easiest way to cause perforation i don't know other i mean i guess a whole he could eat a hole punch yeah yeah but then you need to put a cat down there and he would operate the hole punch exactly It's true. Exactly. Cats, nature's hole punchers. Okay, so, we have, just to explain for your benefit, Chris,

we got a lot of long-running beloved segments and so, because of that and we thought of all of them and we do a lot of work

to prepare for the show and format the show and so on so uh when people call into one of these segments we we have so many of them that we usually just have them identify what segment they're calling into right up top um just so we know because we got a lot of segments that we thought of that are our idea um because we work hard so we have one of those calls now brian would you like to play that call? Hello, Jordan, Jesse, and beloved guest Carl Tartt, the third dough boy.

This is Jackson in Minnesota. Don't call into our podcast to plug the dough boys. Number one, they don't need the plug. These guys are buying solid gold Kentucky fried Chicken at this point, these Doughboys. Okay? Don't call in and plug the Doughboys. We're the underdogs here. They don't need your help.

Yeah. Hey, in fact, call the Doughboys to plug us. Hey, Doughboys, I'm wondering if you've had the BK chicken sandwich yet and what you think about it. Also, give a listen to Jordan Jesse Go. Come on, help us out. Number two. So that's number one.

Number one is don't call in to my show and plug a big, big money show that these big money boys are doing, okay? Number two, that's our thing, plugging the doughboys on our show. We're the ones who talk about how they are better and more successful than us. Don't call in and steal our thing. Okay, press play, Brian.

This is Jackson in Minnesota, and I wanted to call in with your segment, Stores You Can't Believe Are Still Open. I remember right at the beginning of the pandemic, as I was driving past closed clothing stores and barbershops and whatnot, I passed the metal detector store in my neighborhood that was still open, had the open sign up, and the owner was sitting out front on his yard. Has a yard at the metal detector store.

Then I thought, huh, that's an essential business, huh? Well, alright, fair enough. Now, months later, I'm out on my little fucking walk and I see the metal detector store is still open. Many of those clothing stores are closed.

Many of those barber shops and movie theaters are closed. Metal detector store, still open. Maybe I'll get one someday. Thanks. Love the show, guys. Bye-bye. This guy's talking shit about metal detector stores. They're only non-essential until you lose your fucking ring in the tall glass.

In the tall grass. Or the tall glass, for that matter. You reach in and you get your wrist stuck in yeah well if the glass is also if the glass is uh it's not transparent also yeah if it's opaque it's a clear glass it's pretty easy to find obviously you can just spot it with the old peepers my guess i mean my guess is that metal detecting had a moment you know like it seems like a very covid friendly hobby like you know what what can you do you can go out and fucking walk around like a weirdo so you might as well be like hunting for little treasures while you do it and can i say also that metal detecting store 100 percent sells magnet fishing equipment and we all know that

magnet fishing is the new hot shit okay everybody's fucking magnet fishing equipment. And we all know that magnet fishing is the new hot shit. Okay, everybody's fucking magnet fishing. You know why? Because I'm a fucking lifestyle influencer. I talk about magnet fishing on this show. People go out and buy magnets and ropes. Hope they catch themselves a rusty bike. That's why all these dragons

are out there fucking cars, Jordan. Yes. Do we think we popularized the subreddit r slash dragons fucking cars was it just a niche community until we mentioned it and blew it up yeah it was just people previously the subreddit dragons fucking cars was just people who had been sitting around by themselves thinking about what kind of subreddit they would like to look at, and they came up with the idea, Dragon's fucking cars.

Okay? Now that we've talked about it on Jordan Jesse Go, these people who are horny for us are horny for whatever we talk about. So if we talk about Dragon's fucking cars, they're getting all horned up they're getting hot and heavy they're hitting up reddit they're opening up their reddit app their apollo app i'd like to challenge the premise that people are horny for us but go ahead chris how do you

think we got on ifc go ahead chris i was just gonna say i actually just checked my phone and stocks and wiffle ball have shot through the roof since we started taping this episode. Wiffle stocks. The next GameStop. Yeah, people are out here throwing fucking risers. Yeah. Okay. 206-9844-FUN. JJGO at MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. Hey, it's Jon Mo. And look, these are challenging times for our mental and emotional health. I get it. That's why I'm so excited for my new podcast, Depresh Mode.

We're tackling depression, anxiety, trauma, stress, the kinds of things that are just super common but don't get talked about nearly enough. Conversations that are illuminating, honest, and sometimes pretty funny with folks like Kelsey Dara, Dope and Mike Eagle, and Patton Oswalt. Humphrey Bogart was never in therapy. And then my dad said, yeah, but he smoked a carton of cigarettes a day. So he was in therapy. Plus psychiatrists, psychologists, and all kinds of folks.

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Doctor Who. Yeah. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And hi, I'm Chris Gethard, and I was cut from Iron Man 3. Wow. The Shane Black one. Yeah, that's the one.

Do you want to just do the scene here so people can just maybe sync it up with Disney Plus? Oh, sure. Which one of you wants to be just do the scene here so this and people can just maybe sync it up with disney plus oh sure uh which one of you wants to be don cheeto uh i don't think either of us should be yeah can we get carl tard in here baby i'll be uh i'll be guy pierce fair fair yeah i'm sorry you got cut man that would have been a real real thrill, but it was probably fun to do. It was really fun to do, and I'm like an obsessive Marvel Comics fan

from like the age of seven or eight, and it was heartbreaking to get cut, but it definitely fits my brand more to get that close and get cut, and it's a good story, and I get to squeeze bits out of it all these years later. I mean, what's really good about it, Chris, is now you can get cast in other Marvel movies

without there being a crossing of the timelines, mess up the MCU situation. Well, I did get cast. They did a Wolverine The Long Night podcast that was like a detective podcast. Oh, yeah. And if you see the press releases very often the press releases would list guest stars and they would list me and i was always so baffled by that because then people started noticing saying gether you finally got in you're in the mcu man you found your way in and who i played was an unnamed librarian who had uh i think two maybe three

sentences so i was confused as to why they were trotting my name out as one of the show ponies, because it was weird. I was a librarian who told a cat to get off of a blueprint. That was the bulk of what I said. But I think what, and I've actually done, I mean, I'm also a big Marvel Comics guy, and I actually did a deep dive into this, and that librarian was actually a disguised version of kang the

conqueror so well kang exists throughout all timelines so it takes on forms everywhere i mean if you want to start getting into kang the conqueror we can get into kang the conqueror oh we're out of time oh no hey that's a that's a good kang we're out of time why didn't this come up early but are you ever out of time when you're talking about Kang? No, that's a good point. Great point. Exists in all timelines, Chris. Great point. I know a lot about Kang myself. Hey, don't we all? We could all go back

and forth talking about Kang the Conqueror. Or we could just switch it up and talk about Immortus. Yeah. Gotcha. I wouldn't. Gotcha. Same guy. Morpheus the Living Vampire. We're going to get into that, yeah, of course. We finally reached the apotheosis of all podcasting, which is just an extended series of lists of names of guys.

Sure. List, list, list, list. Chris Gethard, where can people check out your new stand-up comedy special? Because everybody who listens to Jordan Jesse Goh knows they need to make a priority of gethard's comedy special they know this is their this is their guy i hope that's true i hope some people check it out yeah it's you can get it on amazon and itunes and if you're not in the states vimeo is very reliable and you can rent it for like four bucks and i know you pay for a lot of stuff already but i'm not asking you to sign up for something long term a couple bucks it's like a half special half road documentary i do stand up

for alligators at one point a woman wrestles me on stage it's shot at 10 different venues there's all sorts of stuff wow there's all sorts of stuff going on here how many of the venues have the wrestling uh there were actually footage of one shows up in baltimore i also a guy also got on stage and fought me in philadelphia but we had to choose between the two and the baltimore one was funnier now was this a real because i know that you actually practice martial arts for the purposes of kicking ass well what i had a bit that was all about doing martial arts and it's a fan the the joke i was actually super thrilled with this joke we wound up cutting it from the special because it was about how a uh a park ranger in hawaii emasculated me on my honeymoon in front of a tour group

and my wife and i sat there fantasizing about killing him yeah and i talked in depth it was a really funny joke but this i talked about how i wanted to put him in a specific type of jujitsu choke and not let go and then my director astutely pointed out maybe this is not the year to release a joke about willfully not letting go of a chokehold like let's just be classy and smart i was like right but in the course of telling that joke two different times in the course of this i brought cameras to 10 cities twice someone booed jujitsu and it was because they did other martial arts and this led to them sure getting on stage and uh demonstrating holds on me and yeah we have

this footage in baltimore and i'm it's actually probably my favorite part of the thing because that's what i was bringing like i've always loved when things go wrong. And doing a regular special, it's one of the things that I wish. A lot of times in my shows, I'll let stuff get nuts. And this girl got on stage and started demonstrating these wrestling holds on me and was really putting them to me. And then it turned out she did not know who I was. Her friend had brought her to the show last minute, had an extra ticket.

She had no idea who I was and then was just wrestling me. She just thought you were some fucking jujitsu bragger. Had no idea. We have footage of her in the special going like, yeah, my friend said this guy's like funny, but he also talks about wanting to kill himself. I was like, all right, I guess so. I guess I'll try it. And then next thing she's like, I know, she's like funny but he also talks about wanting to kill himself i was like all right i guess so i guess i'll try it and then next thing she's like i know she's like fighting

me on stage she had a pretty good picture of your brand if the friend had also mentioned the librarian thing she would have kind of gotten a holistic look at chris gethard yeah it's not inaccurate i'm not mad about being described that way but i i i like that that happens at shows and I like letting it happen and I'm glad we got footage of it. I'm sorry. I feel like there's a librarian thing, funny but talks about wanting to kill himself sometimes. Yeah, yeah.

She probably also should have mentioned that episode of your show where Sharon Mantzoukas had to guess who was inside the dumpster. Well, and thank you for your, you had some very kind words to say about that recently and one of the greatest things in the fucking world you did you did say something along the lines of it may be the best episode of non-scripted television ever and i think it really

might be to have made a show that remained underground as much as my show did and then to have have it come up for air enough times, and then have this one episode that everyone who's seen it is like, that show, I do not understand. But universally, people who catch that episode are like, that was fucking awesome. We nailed it once. We nailed it once. We had over 200 episodes, and we did nail it once, so that's good. And, I mean, you nailed it on this new stand-up special. That's the $4 challenge, folks. If you don't think Chris—you spend your $4, you don't think Chris Gethard created television history.

Well, put him in a wrestling hold and see what happens. I think that is a good challenge. Is it worth $4? I think I did make a thing that's worth four of your dollars. I think I can confidently say that. Is it perfect? No. Is it worth $4? I think I did make a thing that's worth four of your dollars. I think I can confidently say that. Is it perfect? No. Is it worth $4?

I think so. Yeah, it's almost as good as a six-inch sub sandwich. Yeah. Two-thirds as good as a six-inch sub. Yeah. Subway, I drove past a billboard during the pandemic i was driving to see my parents in florida and in the middle of the night drove past a billboard did you know that subway has a slogan that is subway where winners eat do you notice i i like subway i drove past it my wife

was sleeping in the car and i looked at it and i just honestly i said thank you to the stand-up gods i was like i don't even need to write the bit i don't even need to write the bit did subway sandwiches really hang a billboard in a highway in georgia that's a subway where winners eat yoshinoya come socialize with other millionaires. It's really... Nope. It's really... I started doing a stand-up bit about it instantly. That was just me basically saying the billboard exists. It's been crushing. It's been crushing.

Can I pitch one? McDonald's, this is a real submarine. I don't know, McDonald's. Go for the gusto. I don't know. If you for the gusto I don't know if you say so Chris Getherd always a joy to talk to you friend

I will also recommend among the many podcasts Chris has appeared on Chris told the amazing story one of I'm going to be honest Chris you've got a lot to dine out on I hope you do a lot of dining out

because it's not just that one episode where someone is inside the dumpster, but we have to guess who it is. There's also the time that you got Diddy to come on your show at the UCB, and you told that story for Bullseye. It was unquestionably the best thing that has ever happened on Bullseye,

which is a disappointment to me, because I was not involved. Oh, you've done some great stuff. You've done some great stuff. I hope people will go check out uh chris telling the story of how did he has a magical effect on electronics chris gathered our pal go rent his stand-up special because it's a winner brian sunny fernandez is the producer of this program val mo Moffitt over there live streaming to the Facebook. So, you know,

if you're at home watching, hi. If you're listening, well, maybe spend your late Sunday nights watching Zooms. Right after 60 minutes. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records

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