Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 694: Stack the Smites with Glen Weldon

Episode Date: July 3, 2021

Glen Weldon (Pop Culture Happy Hour, NPR's Podcast Start Up Guide) joins Jordan and Jesse to talk about his new cabin lifestyle and what it's like to see a fox roaming around your yard, how nature documentaries can be ruined by the behind-the-scenes features, and the giant two-headed shark he beheaded in his DND campaign as Gnorm the Oathbreaker. Plus, Glen has a great new book out about podcasting! Check it out!And if you haven't checked out Bubble yet – what are you waiting for?!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Well, have I got some great news for you, Jordan. My favorite kind of news. You know your old friend Jesse from college? Yeah, I do. Great guy. What's he been up to lately?

He's a real lucky boy. Oh my gosh, a lucky boy. Let's hear some of the reasons. Enumerate the reasons why you're a lucky boy. This is great. We can all practice a little gratitude today. Well, number one, Jordan, I'm a lucky boy because I got shit on by a bird a couple of days ago. Hey, well, that's great. Is that a good luck omen in some cultures? Yeah, in many cultures. In many cultures. That means good luck is on the way.

Yeah, I guess two questions. What kind of bird and are there more lucky kinds of bird shit, I guess is my question. It was a cormorant and no. Okay. That's great. I feel informed. Where did the shit land? What were you doing?

Was it something... Were you going somewhere to where it was okay to have bird shit on you, I guess? It landed on top of my head. Okay. And I was headed to the donut place, so they were pretty chill about it. Yeah. Those guys are cool. Yeah. Very nice. Very nice people was headed to the donut place so they were pretty chill about it yeah those guys are cool yeah very nice very nice people over there at the donut place uh but that's not the only reason jordan uh that i am a lucky boy i there's more than one reason that i'm a lucky boy okay so

i'm gonna have a little sorry i'm gonna get my notepad here i'm just gonna write jesse lucky boy jesse comma lucky boy reasons reasons why yeah it's uh right under my rules for dating my teenage daughter right so yeah i'll just i'll do one so number one bird shit on bird shit on head three days ago right on the way to donut shop okay number two bird just shit on my head about an hour ago. Hey, okay. Well, this will be 1A then. Yeah. I know that I need to do another number for this one.

Yeah. So number one is three days ago, a bird shit on my head. That's the number one reason I'm a lucky boy. Right. Number two is about an hour ago ago a second bird shit on my head now i know that jesse it was jordan it was a cooper's hawk a cooper's hawk great great and how would you where how were the shits different one was yellow one was very like bright orange yellow okay that's real but jordan can i say the number three reason why I'm a lucky boy?

Hmm. Beautiful family. I just have a beautiful family. Beautiful family, sure. They really love me and I love them. Now, how often do they shit on your head? You would be surprised, Jordan. Yeah.

I don't even know how they get up there. They're all smaller than me. Jesse, have you recently... I mean, I know you're kind of like a tattoo guy now. Yeah. I haven't seen you in a while, and I can't really see you, your whole head through the camera.

Did you get a tattoo of a bird toilet on your head? You think that's why this is happening so much? Jordan, I understand. Look, you're a professional comedian. You're here to be glib. I don't really think that's something to be glib about. More of a humorist. Go ahead.

I don't really consider myself a comedian. Go ahead. Birds don't use toilets, so that's ridiculous. But yes, I did go see my friend, tattooist Graham Chaffee, and I had him outline the bird shit on my head so I could remember it always and remember how lucky I am. Namaste. I practice gratitude. Oh, that's really nice. That's terrific. It's to remind me of what is so special to me. And I don't know if you can see this, we're video conferencing, but here on my upper arm, I got a cormorant and then on the other upper arm, a Cooper's hawk. Oh, beautiful.

and then on the other upper arm a cooper's hawk oh beautiful now i mean just kind of going forward are there any birds i'd like to be shit on yeah that's what i was gonna ask like what's what's next what's next for jesse thorne yeah well i mean first of all america's bird uh the wild turkey right love to be shit on by a wild turkey and i'll tell you this yeah my son oscar my uh seven-year-old has been going to summer camp at the los angeles arboretum which which arboretum is overrun by peacocks and i will say this peacocks are real assholes but they can back it up i mean they are extraordinary creatures yeah sure and like when they're making the horrible sound that they make and shaking their ass at you uh and threatening to bite and claw you all you can do is be awed by nature's majesty that's true hey that's p-fowl baby

well i don't know p-hens much less. P-hens are very unimpressive. Sure. They're just jerks. Should we introduce our guest on the program, Jordan? Yeah, I have some more bird shit questions, but why not bring him into it? He is one of the co-hosts of NPR's podcast startup guide, Create, Launch, and Grow a Podcast on Any Budget. He is also the man who I go to for Batman recommendations, Glenn Weldon. Hi, Glenn. Hey, friends. Good to see you. Good to hear you. How are you?

Oh, great. You know why? Because I was just reading Batman in the 1950s, as recommended to me by Glenn Weldon. Batman went to Planet X. Yeah, he did. Where he is the Superman of that planet. Yeah, he is. Yeah, he is. But back to bird shit. Yeah, thank you. So, Jesse, both Cormorants and Cooper's hawk, these are serious birds. And so did the poop include any, say, mouse bones? Did you get a vole femur on top of your head at any point?

Hold on. Jesse, before you answer. Yeah. Glenn, great question. Jesse, go ahead. Thank you. Thank you. I just want to say, I didn't start a podcast so I could repeat other people's jokes. But in my head for 15 years has been this joke that I saw Kevin Nealon do at the M Bar in Los Angeles.

And it was his son was a Boy Scout and getting really into nature. And they went out on a hike and they found some deer scat. And they went out on a hike and they found some deer scat. And he pointed out to his son that you can learn what an animal eats by investigating what's in the scat. And he said, so he took a stick and he poked at the deer's leavings. And he said, it turns out that deer eat berries and leaves and a lot of shit. I've been thinking about that joke for 15 years. But thank you for asking that question, Glenn. In response, I would say that primarily I found the bones of lesser, less lucky birds.

Makes sense. That story checks out. Yeah. Mostly crows. And also peacocks are famously the fuckboys of the avian kingdom. It's true. They clearly are. Famously.

Famously. Famously the fuckboys. That's why they were kept in the palaces of Persia. Sure. Yes, yes, yes. They are him Famously. Famously. Famously the fuckboys. That's why they were kept in the palaces of Persia. Sure. They have himbos. Strutting around like they own the place. Always, you know, and it's every time I'm texting with a P-foul,

you know, you always know you're gonna get that text a couple days later that says, sorry, just got this. Yeah. Sorry, just seeing this now. But peahens, nothing wrong with a peahen.

Peahens are good, God-fearing women. Solid citizens. Yes. This is why Flannery O'Connor I think only had peahens and she would put up

with a peacock every so often. But famously, I think she preferred the peahens. I really sincerely, like, this is not an original observation,

but walking around at that arboretum, the peacocks will try and start a fight with you. They will threaten you. They don't give a fuck. A peacock pecked my wife's minivan the other day. Oh, my gosh. While it was in motion. Jesse, that's why you guys need to get the coexist bumper sticker

thank you very much it prevents it prevents p foul from pecking right and they prefer suvs they clearly they always prefer suvs now that my wife's car has been packed by a peacock i feel uh not like a peacock but like a peacock wow okay sure holy crap all right so anyway so i'm curious because your next steps um re uh lucky shits you mentioned you mentioned america's bird uh the wild turkey you mentioned uh peacocks and peacans i couldn't help but notice these are flightless birds so what what's your strategy you know when it comes to getting shit on by something that is so low to the ground i'm sorry jordan you're mistaken uh judging by the number of peacocks that are on the roof of the arboretum at at any given time. Okay. The Arboretum's library building, specifically.

I would say they got up there somehow, and it wasn't by climbing trees. Mm-hmm. Yeah. That said, certainly there are a lot of what we call low birds that I'm interested in getting shit on by. So we're talking about quails. We're talking about peacocks and peahens.

We're talking about turkeys. We're talking about... The roughed grouse. Vols. You mentioned vols. Vols, vols too. Vols too. And yeah, I mean,

what I'm thinking right now is I'm going to get one of those things that, you know, those rolling platforms that a car mechanic uses to get underneath a car and just get around that way for a few days. Sure. Not permanently, just for a few days. So you'll just use your little platform and scoot under a grouse. Yeah, exactly. I think that's exactly the plan.

And what I'll do is I'll wear safety goggles. No, sure. It's really smart. Because a grouse's leavings really burn. Speaking of nature, before we started this up, Glenn, you were telling us that you have gone from

being an occasional cabin guy to now you're like full-time. you're full cabin, right? We're full time. We're out in Front Royal on the side of a mountain in the Blue Ridge looking out over the Shenandoah Valley. Well, actually, in the winter we can.

In the summer we just see trees. But we are here. We changed our license plates. We're Virginians. Never thought I'd be a Virginian, but here I am, just like that guy, that old Cho, about the guy with the gun.

What's his name? It was called the Virginian. It was called the Virginian. Got it. Thank you. Thanks, Glenn. You're going to say you're Matlock now? I was going to guess streets of San Francisco.

As soon as I moved out of D.C., I became a simple country lawyer. Just like that. Just something happens. Is that why you're wearing that white suit? Right. That's why I'm wearing the seersucker. Yes, in fact.

How do you, what's your, what is the nature situation like up there? What are you in danger of being shit on by? Oh, we got wild turkeys. Okay. We got fox. Yeah. We got so many deer because there's no hunting on the mountains. So the deerkeys. Okay. We got fox. Yeah. We got so many deer because there's no hunting on the mountain, so the deer are overrunning.

We got bears. We got red foxes. They clutch their little chest and say, I'm coming, Elizabeth. No, they don't. You've got red foxes. You've got rusty warrens. We've got mom's mableys. We've got a mom's mabley or two. Sure, yeah.

And then in the summer, you're overrun with Archie Bunkers. There's no hunting on the mountain. Right. There's no hunting on the mountain. Oh, yeah, it's Mutual Womb House Wild Kingdom out here. It's great. But, yes, we are. The trade-off is... Actually,

you know what? I'm dumping on Virginia for no reason, because Front Royal just has... Now, we got a sushi place. We got a brewery. We got a we got a we got we got all kinds of stuff. We got really great Thai food. We got really great barbecue, as one would imagine, because that's the law. So, yeah, it's it's actually a lot better than the last four or five years we've been out here. It's changing. And by changing, I mean becoming bougier. I guess that's that's what I mean. I'm curious about fox sightings.

When you see a fox in the wild, is it cute or scary? It's very cute. It's very cute. It is like a very, very small dog. So you think somebody's cute small dog has escaped. But no, they're more wily. They're not skittish, but they have a sense of danger to them. They seem like they are up to something nasty.

It's like when you hear Peter and the Wolf, you can just hear that oboe. Right. Whenever they kind of skitter past, you can hear it. They're not to be trusted, but they're cute as hell. Yeah. I mean, would you say that they have fuckboy qualities or what? Are they marriage material? I think the reason I like them so much is that I feel I can change them.

So I think if they just spent a little time with me and I would just project all my affection and devotion onto them. Right. Yeah, they wouldn't pay that much attention to me. But when they would, I would just project all my affection and devotion onto them. Right. Yeah, they wouldn't pay that much attention to me. But when they would, I would feel alive. Well, I mean, I think the thing you have to realize is that all foxes are wild in their 20s. But then, you know, later they're like, well, I should settle down. I should maybe get some health insurance. Yeah.

That's foxes for you. And it is horse country out here. Insurance. Yeah. That's foxes for you. And it is horse country out here, so I could just, you know, maybe they're so wary because they've just, you know, some guy in a riding crop in Jodhpurs has been chasing them up the mountain. Maybe that's it.

Maybe they've been wounded. Maybe the trauma is real and I can help them over it. Do you ride a horse, Glenn? Have you ridden a horse there in horse country? Never. Never. Terrified. Nope. Nope. Too big. Horses are entirely too large and I'm too far off the ground when I am upon one.

Is that why you've been working out so much so you can intimidate horses? So I can punch them like I'm Mogo in Blazing Saddles. That is the goal. That's ultimately the goal. Horse punching. Yes. Horse punching. That's part of CrossFit now, right? It is.

You flip over the big tire, you hit something with the sledgehammer, and you just sock a horse in the face. It's my vocation and my avocation. Yeah. Glenn, if you're living this cabin mountain lifestyle, where are you pumping iron? This is going to sound awful, but we put in a gym uh here downstairs where used to be the tv room we now have uh a uh treadmill and a rower and a weight bench and it's stupid who's spotting you glenn who's spotting glenn wilden it's uh it's a machine

so i am spotting myself um You know, good for you. Good for you. Yeah. My mom always said, you got to learn to spot yourself. Yeah, Glenns are spotting it for themselves. That's what I always say. Yes. I find that spotting is sometimes troublesome.

Yes. Glenn, do you ever watch the television show Wild America? Because I am imagining right now that you are living in an episode of the television show Wild America. I think so. With Marty Stauffer on PBS. Oh, sure. Extor our Wild America. Yes, I do. That's the one with the Rams butting heads.

I have bought some VHS tapes of tapes of marty stouffer's wild america and uh this had been like when i was a kid one of my favorite shows to watch on pbs with my mom and i have been really impressed at how well it holds up like today's nature shows are obviously shot in hd and this is you know this is standard definition but they they get amazing. They got amazing footage. And Marty Stauffer is just as weird and charming a host as I remembered from when I was a kid. And I thought to myself like, well, Marty Stauffer is not that old on Wild America. Like Wild America was made in the mid to late eighties, um, maybe into the early nineties and Marty stouffer is maybe 40 or 45 like he's not particularly old so i thought to myself what is wild america host marty stouffer

up to so i googled it and there was a kickstarter to uh raise the money to remaster in 4k ultra hd the wild America archive, which is pretty cool because they shot it on film. Right. You know, so the actual, uh, the actual show itself is,

is pretty gorgeous, um, on the original film. And they needed to, you know, they needed to raise the money to in full HD, uh, remaster the show. And I was like sounds sounds pretty cool um they set a goal of 1.25 million dollars wow okay which i thought was a pretty ambitious goal

but i thought there's probably a lot i mean mean, you know, LeVar Burton probably got that much money to make a new episode of Reading Rainbow or whatever, right? I think Marty Staufer is a touchstone of many people's childhoods. They remember those rams ramming

into each other and the classic theme music. The project ended up with i found the actual kickstarter project it unfortunately did not fund which is disappointing to me because i would love to watch it in ultra hd and ultimately it raised of the 1.25 million dollar goal it raised three thousand four hundred ten dollars okay from 39 backers it's it's interesting that that that you know like obviously a passionate fan started this but you when you think of like you know who who a physical media person is these days and who especially is a physical media person who demands 4K Ultra HD. Like, that is not somebody who is nostalgic for the PBS of the 80s.

Like, that is just someone who has re-bought the Matrix trilogy five times, right? Like, is that the audience for 4K Ultra? It's someone who wants every Matrix cut you can get. Marty Stauffer is now known as America's favorite, this is capitalized, wildlife film program host. That feels like one of those marketing, like one of those FTC one of those ftc things like

like cheese food yeah i mean suck it marlon perkins geez that's uh that's geez that's that's aggressive i did find some coverage of the kickstarter that was contemporaneous with the with the kick's launch. And I was reading it, and I was like, this is really nice. It was in Juxtapose magazine, which usually covers lowbrow art. You know, big eyes and vinyl toys and those kinds of things. And, you know, it was a really nice piece about the kickstarter and about wild america you know just a blog post five or six paragraphs and then at the end it's attributed to

hannah stouffer oh she there you go you know who looks great in 4k ultra hd hannah stouffer well i was gonna say that nun who taught you about paintings. Fuck, body is banging, gentlemen. And you can see it in the Ultra HD. Thank you. Looking fine in Europe, Mr. Steves. Tell me about Guernica, you smoke show. Grizzled captain of the boat from the Voyage of the Mimi, specifically the Mimi.

Looking very nice. Wait, are we? I don't know why I couldn't pull the name of the boat from the Voyage of the Mimi. Wait, in this situation, are we horny for the captain or the boat? I just want to know where we're going with this. Yeah, well, column A, column B.

We're horny for the detectives from square one. Sure. Listen, the PBS of our childhood was very horny. Yeah, sure. One of the horniest venues ever. Easily. I could never figure out why nowadays

when you get your nature documentaries on your Netflixes, there's always the last episode is always just the making of like, here's how we set up the camera. Revolutionary new technology, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I was like, why? Nobody cares. I just want to see the Rams butting heads. I don't care. in, I think it was the 50s or 60s, Disney put out a quote-unquote nature documentary, which is where we get our modern conception of what lemmings are, what lemmings do. And it had all these action shots of lemmings hurling themselves off a cliff into the sea. And it turns out that that was a thin tissue of lies. They were herding those lemmings off the cliff.

This is new to me, Glenn. This is totally new. This is a real thing where they actually had set up the cameras so that you could see the lemmings kind of right over your head because, of course, they were creating the entire situation. Mass lemming slaughter for your enjoyment. And also, it's just bullshit. They don't do that. Lemmings don't do that. It's a thing. I was confident that you were leading to a flim-flam

job. That you were about to describe Walt, old Walt, trying to pull the wool over our eyes once again and call it magic. But, um, I just assumed when you described those lemmings flying off the cliff that you were going to say it wasn't lemmings.

It was paper airplanes or something. Nope. Tiny mass slaughter of tiny little mammals served up to your children in 1950, whatever the hell. Now I feel like such a dope spending so much time on the computer game. That's right. Saving those little assholes. Yeah, they didn't need you. Yeah, they didn't even. Yeah, Jordan, Mr. Whiteholes yeah they didn't need you they yeah i they didn't even yeah jordan mr white knight they didn't need you yeah you should have been playing worms wow

oh boy am i discovering something about my own toxic masculinity my need to save these lemmings when i should just have been supporting them that's that's what i'm saying that's what i'm saying yes support their choices are lemmings a I should just have been supporting them? That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. Yes. Support their choices. Are lemmings a Mary Sue? Is that what you're saying, Glenn? Okay. I don't know if I want to continue with this riff. Let's go back to being horny for that boat.

I think that is a safer riff zone. Jordan, I'm horny for Math Man. Oh, Math Man. Math Man. I don't remember Math Man. Math Man was also on Square One, and it was Pac-Man that did math, as far as I can remember. What a fucking awful... God, television was worse then.

Objectively, yes. I think that was one of the good shows, I'm pretty sure. Glenn, I know what you mean about the nature documentary making of thing. I have also been very disappointed by these. I've been watching a lot of Planet Earth lately. I'm having a little moment with Planet Earth and having a lot of fun with it. It's kind of something I like to turn on and just kind of let it wash over me. But they do a lot of those making of type specials.

And like 90% of the time it's like how did they get that shot it was a guy laid there for a couple weeks that's exactly it like a guy had a blanket that looked like the ground and he laid under it until the snow leopard came along but here's a shot of his blind that he built that we're right yes there's a it's blind porn it's important not to think too much about it because you realize that they probably didn't capture in real time the like human-like reaction shot that they cut to yeah there's the like every one of those documentaries now like something will happen and then just like the lemming will look into the barrel of the camera and raise one eyebrow and you're like oh i'm not sure if that's credible to me yeah and it's weird that they say check, please. And so that happens.

There's a lemming DJ. Or just when they kind of turn to the camera and go, line. Right. Oh, come on. We had it. What's my motivation? Hard pass. What else can the lemmings say?

What's my motivation? Hard pass. What else can the lemmings say? Jordan, what is your top animal that you've enjoyed watching on planet Earth? Yeah. Well, I mean, as a cat weirdo, I like any kind of like big cat. And then you see when it acts like a kitty. When the big cat, you get to see it like hunt something down.

And then later you get to see it kind of flop around in the sun like a big kitty. Yeah. Or it hunts something down and it presents it to its mommy as a gift. Right. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I like elephant moms. Elephant moms are very good. The cat being like a house cat is really incredible.

It is, totally. Like, is there any other animal so regularly in our lives for which there is just a profoundly deadly version of that animal? Like a wolf compared to a dog. Like, a wolf is only like 25% more deadly than a dog. But an ocelot is already that much more deadly than a house cat. And we're not even touching tigers

and lions and so forth. No. I mean, I guess there's like sharks. Right. Sure. That's pretty good. A shark you would find out in the wild is, you know, about as deadly as your average house shark. Yeah. Thanks's pretty good. A shark you would find out in the wild is, you know, about as deadly as your average house shark. Yeah. Thanks, Tracy Morgan.

Shark enthusiast, Tracy Morgan. Is he really a shark enthusiast or was that a thing from 30 Rock? Does Tracy Morgan like actually have sharks? Oh, yeah. There was like a, there was a big news story about his sharks. I don't remember what the news story was. Maybe his shark tank broke inside his house or something. There was definitely shark news about Tracy Morgan.

Okay. Well, you guys are pulling it out of me. I wasn't going to go here, but you're not catching me at 100% because I spent the last five hours before the taping in a marathon D&D sesh, as we call it, where I took out. Whoa. I took out my, you're looking at the Goliath paladin that took out the Maw of Sechirah. The Maw of Sechirah. Oh, wow. Oh, wow.

Okay, wow. Okay, Glenn. Wow. Glenn. Oh, gosh. So many questions. I will take your questions one at a time. Okay, wow. Okay, Glenn. Wow. Glenn. Oh, gosh. So many questions. I will take your questions one at a time. So many questions.

Oh, geez. Where to begin? Where to begin? I think, geez. I mean, well, let's start at the beginning. What are you talking about? Okay. The Maw of Sekala, actually Sekala, is summoned from the shadowy depths of the ocean through

ritual and tidal, T-I-D-A-L, tidal magics. Wow. That's how you know it's D.V. Not tidal magics. C-K-S. C-K-S. That's what my Aunt Debbie does in her capacity as a real estate agent. I was going to say it's the magic of Jay-Z's streaming service.

Yes. Is that also somewhere we can go. It's a two-headed shark, giant two-headed shark. That's the avatar of the hungry Sahagin god, the Sahagins, of course, being fish people. Yes. So, yeah. It was one stroke of my broadax, 70 points of damage. Because, of course, you have a paladin smite.

Then you've also got the divine smite. You can stack your smites. Wow. Didn't know you could stack your smites. Got to stack your smites. You got to stack your... You have to stackadin smite. Then you've also got the divine smite. You can stack your smites. Wow. Didn't know you could stack your smites. Got to stack your smites. You got to stack your... You have to stack the smites. You have to stack the smites.

It's a giant two-headed shark, and I lopped off its head and cleft it in twain. Is that how you got so yoked, Glenn? Did you get so yoked by stacking smites? You went on a bodybuilding forum and learned how to stack smites. It was so satisfying. So satisfying. But yeah, fuck sharks. I did that. They are to be cleaved in twain.

They are to be cleaved in twain by a Goliath paladin. How long have you been D&Ding, Glenn? Just like six months. I mean, I did when I was a kid, but now I am playing with my husband's nephew and his friends. It's all online and there's no cameras, so

I don't think they know that I'm 53 and a half years old. I would love to think that. I throw in a chuggy every so often just to make sure. Is that chuggy? Look at this chuggy kobold. I think I'm passing. God, what a chuggy maw.

What a chuggy maw. Fuck that maw. Yeah. The maw probably shops at Target for live, laugh, love signs. You know what I mean? That's how chuggy this maw is. Yes. Glenn, how did you get into a Dungeons & Dragons game with your husband's nephew and your husband's nephew's friends? game with your husband's nephew and your husband's nephew's

friends? You know, I said something about it on Pop Culture Happy Hour. I wanted to get into a game and then nothing. That didn't do anything because my husband was like, yeah, my nephew has a game. And then they needed somebody. They needed

a tank. And that's... I mean, you need a tank. You come to a Glen Weldon is what you do. You need a tank, that's i mean you need a tank you come to it you come to glenn weldon is what you do um well i can understand you need a tank you go to the tank store and it's really wonderful because i usually i've always every time i've played dnd or skyrim i'm always a mage i'm always backing up afraid of something that's coming toward me throwing fireballs at it now right i am the hack slash guy i'm the guy who takes the damage. I go into the fray. Fucking hack slash Weldon over here. That's what I do. I'm the maw slayer.

Which actually makes it sound vaguely like an Appalachian serial killer. Maw slayer. Slays maws. That's not what I meant. That's not what I meant. But it's a blast. Anyway, sharks. Yes.

If you need them slain, I'm your gay. Yeah. What's the name of your Dungeons and Dragons guy? His name is Norm with a silent G. At the beginning or the end? At the beginning, of course, Jordan. I don't know. I don't know.

We don't know. We don't know. We don't know Norm We don't know Ramaz. We don't know Norm. His name is Norm. Last name, his Christian name, no, is Oathbreaker. Because he was betrothed to a woman in his tribe, and he didn't want to do that for reasons I'm slowly sort of seeding out over the course of the game. You got to have a long game in mind. You've got to have a long arc.

He was exiled for his tribe for not marrying the woman that they wanted him to. And he used to be ashamed of it, but now he's wearing it as a badge of honor. So he's the oath breaker. What kind of hat does he wear? He's bald. He's got the big Goliath tattoo all over his big bald head. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

It's of a bird shit. Right. There you go. Yep. Yeah. Wouldn't got that from Graham Chaffee, I bet. Yes, he did. Graham of Chaffee.

Graham of Chaffee. Yes. Jordan, you ever play Dungeons and Dragons in your entire life of being a nerd? No. Yeah. No, it's interesting. I think we've talked about this on the show before, but like I have these nerd gaps that you would not expect me to have. The most glaring one is I cannot help you fix your computer.

cannot help you fix your computer i think my you know something that i have been you know listen i disappoint people in many different ways but i would say i mean you disappoint the people of your village when you refuse to marry that woman and that's true on a great journey yeah well i had uh i had shit to cleave and duane okay yeah i was cleaving shit um we should we should have recognized that bird shit tattoo on your big bald head thank you yeah i've been gnorm this whole time that's not how you say it it's not how you pronounce it just norm um it's it's pronounced gnorm it's spelled N-O-R-M-G. Right. Gnormka. But I, you know, like, I think you look at me and talk to me for a couple of minutes. You think this guy can help me with my computer or my phone.

I cannot. I cannot help myself with my computers and phones. So, yeah. So I definitely, like, when someone asks me for that help and then i am like unable to provide even the most basic tip just like seeing their face drop is uh is something that i am always dealing with um so yeah i can't do that uh don't know a lot about star Trek. Um, uh, only recently kind of found some appreciation for the Lord of the Rings averse, uh, via rewatching the movies,

but, uh, up until very recently had no, no interest in the power vacuums within Rohan. Um, although now I love them. Sure. But,

uh, yeah, one of the other things is I played my first D&D game a couple weeks ago on Brian Posehn's podcast. Oh, wow. Yeah, it was a lot of fun. I think I did a bad job, but we all laughed a lot. Yeah, it was really fun.

I totally got it, and yeah, it was interesting. It was interesting because it was like a you know it was game and podcast so i i was a little unclear on how how funny i was supposed to be i'm like how how often should i be trying to be funny and how often should i be trying to be good at the game uh and i don't know if I got that ratio exactly right, but it was really fun and that was a nice group. And yeah, they were very nice and patient with me. Our buddy Dan Telfer was a big help.

Yeah, that's over there. If you want to listen to that, it's over there on the Nerd Poker Patreon. Jordan, can I ask a question about your character? Yeah, sure sure what kind of hat did he have uh it was a hat made of bird shit oh hey oh no jordan you played a lot of video games right you played rpgs you played skyrim right yeah so well i did not play skyrim but yeah so i know like the vernacular of d and D stuff from playing like final fantasy

and final fantasy type games. So I know about like summoning and, you know, a tank versus a mage versus a fighter versus a thief. Yeah. So, yeah, I know that vernacular,

but it's all like, I've never, it's always been just a solo video game that I played by myself in the dark and involving other people in mage issues is new and uncomfortable to me because it is something that I do in the dark with my mouth open and a hand in a bag of popcorn. When I was a kid playing D&D, I loved the game, hated the math. I thought to myself, someday... Yeah, the math sucks. There's gonna be... I could be the DM, right?

And I'll project behind me some kind of screen where people can pretend like they're actually walking through a dungeon. And what I did was I created the video game RPGs. That's what I did. Wow. That was you? Congratulations, Glenn.

But it's so much better when you don't have to add 11 plus anything, right? Or 13 plus 8. What the hell is 13 plus 8? I have to do that every time. No one knows. No one can know. No. A lot of people think that 13 plus 8 is a myth.

Yeah, well, I mean, I haven't seen it. Sure, that's all I'm saying. Jordan, have you ever laid eyes on 13 plus 8? Trust your eyes. I'm talking about your own two peepers. No, that's true. I have a friend whose uncle works for Nintendo. He said he saw it

once while he was creating the code where you could see mario's dick so he when he was creating the code that allowed you to see mario's dick and balls sure he said he saw 13 plus 8 but i don't know again that's like you know i'm just getting this third hand did you see i don't know if you which version of the Little Mermaid VHS you had, but did you see the one where in the castle you could see 11 plus 7? Oh, yeah. Those nasty Disney animators.

It's 28, right? It's 28? No, it's 18. I think so. Damn it. It's 18. Damn it. Roll a 20-sided die and see what happens.

Hey, 18? Nice. Nice, right? 18? Thank you, Jordan. Nice. roll a 20 sided die and see what happens hey 18 nice nice thank you jordan nice check please what kind of guy were you in brian posain's uh dnd game jordan uh well uh shit okay i should make up, but the real answer is I forget. Glenn, Glenn, you back me up on this. When you got it, you got to listen. Doing podcasts is fun, especially when you do them with your friends. It's great, especially when socializing is limited.

It's a blessing blessing i love doing it happy to appear on pods with some of my favorite people but you ramp it up a little bit when when when daddy's guys daddy's got a book to move you know daddy's gotta move some books dad daddy daddy ain't got a comic-con to go to daddy's gotta move some books i've been doing a lot of pods lately so i don't remember the pods. Right. No, that makes sense. I totally get that.

No jury in the world. So I don't really remember what kind of guy I was, but I remember we did an art heist. Okay. Oh. Yeah. That sounds nice. Was it in a dungeon? It was in an art museum.

Uh-huh. And were you the getaway car? Were you the safe cracker? Were you the face guy there's always a face guy right i don't know what i think i was who was i i was um i'm trying to i'm trying to remember the guys from oceans 11. that's what i'm going for yeah maybe i maybe I shouldn't say Don Cheadle. Don Cheadle doing a bad accent, I believe, is the primary character. Yeah. I'm an actor you like taking a big swing that doesn't necessarily work.

Yeah. Elliot Gould. I should have said Elliot Gould. God damn it. I was about to say I was Elliot Gould. No, I'm Elliot Gould. I got to it. I'm Gould.

I'm Gould. I'm Gould. No, Elliot Gould. No, I'm Elliot Gould. I got to it. I'm Gould. I'm Gould. I'm Gould. No, I called Gould. You're the false Gould. That's the false Goulds. One true Gould to rule them all, and it is I. Praise be to Gould. And to the false Gould, George Siegel.

Yes, exactly. The pretender to the throne. The pret false Gould, George Segal. Yes, exactly. The pretender to the throat. The pretender Gould. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. It's Jordan, Jessica. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. You know what, Jordan?

Every episode of this program brought to you by the members of Maximum Fun. We're grateful to every single one of those members. Thank you for going to MaximumFun.org slash join. If you're not already a member, you can become a member. It's easy and worth doing. not already a member, you can become a member. It's easy and worth doing. We're also this week supported by the good folks at BetterHelp. You know, it's 2021. A lot of us need some mental health support, and it is the perfect time to seek it, and Better help can help. Yeah. It is customized online therapy that offers video phone and even live chat sessions.

They'll match you with a therapist in under 48 hours and it's easy to change therapists if needed. Remember you don't need a traumatic event to benefit from therapy. Maybe you're just feeling anxious or depressed or your stress feels like it's too much to manage. Get some tools to cope and make life just a little bit easier. Boy, therapy, it's great. We've talked about that on the show before.

We rarely talk about anything of consequence, but definitely I know it's something that both Jesse and I really, really believe in. And so, yeah, it's cool to have BetterHelp supporting the show because, yeah, it's definitely something that I was nervous to do for a lot of years. And I finally did it. And it's the, yeah, it was the best thing I could have done for myself. Yeah, there's a lot of different ways to get therapy.

And you can find one that works for you. And BetterHelp is a great option. I know that, uh, I have gotten a lot from therapy, both when things were going relatively well, and I wanted to work on myself and in times when I was enduring, you know, really serious trauma. So I really hope Jordan, Jesse, Go listeners will seek therapy in whatever way is best for them. And BetterHelp is a really convenient option if you want to just try getting some stuff off your chest or build a long-term relationship with somebody whose job it is to give you help. This podcast sponsored by BetterHelp and JJ Go listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash JJ Go.

That's betterhelp.com slash JJ Go. slash JJ Go. We're also supported this week by the folks at Weaver Leather. Weaver Leather Supply, a longtime supplier to professionals and hobbyists and DIY crafters. They're an online resource, not just for supplies and tools and materials, but also easy to follow tips, project tutorials, all kinds of cool stuff. Now, you got a box from the folks at Weaver Leather. Jordan, what's inside there? Jesse, this is great.

The Weaver folks sent me over a box. It contains two kits, one to make a card wallet and the other one to make a bifold wallet. A bifold, Jesse. Oh, man. Two folds. Jordan, pretty soon. Bye. Pretty soon you're going to A bifold, Jesse. Oh, man. Twofold. Pretty soon. Bye. Pretty soon you're going to be making trifold wallets.

Well, okay. Let's not go crazy. Okay, so it says there are difficulty levels. A card wallet is a two. Bifold is a three. I imagine a trifold will be at least four. I don't know if I'm ready. I think it'll probably be an eight.

It'll probably be an eight out of five. Because it's hard to fit in that extra fold yeah they'll that that third fold that third fold will fuck you that's what they say that's what they say over there at weaver leather they don't say that they don't they don't say that but you probably wouldn't want us saying they say that i think we all know that this is a time when we're learning to add new skills to our life. Think about what is actually valuable to us, what actually brings us joy and pleasure and happiness. And I think craft is one of those things.

So even if you're not already, look, if you're already a skilled leather worker, what the fuck are you doing not going to Weaver Leather? But if you're just learning, this is a great way to do it. Look, Travis McElroy can go become a blacksmith because he's got access to a forge. But not all of us have our own forge, okay? Not all of us live in Cincinnati where you can just waltz down the street to your local forge. Some of us are making useful stuff for our pockets. I'm talking about card wallets. I'm talking about buy fold wallets.

Who knows how many folds you can fit in a goddamn wallet if you practice hard enough. If you can imagine a fold, Weaver will help you realize that fold. This is really cool. I am really looking forward to diving into these. How fun would it be to take out your wallet to, you know, pay the Sandwich Man or whatever? Sandwich Man says, great looking wallet. And you say, I made that. Yeah.

This is, boom, free chips. Free chips from the Sandwich Man. I can't guarantee that you'll get free chips, but it could happen. I guarantee it. Okay. Right here, right now. Guaranteeing free chips. If you don't get free chips from the Sandwich Man, Jordan will buy you some chips.

All right, done. Deal. That's my guarantee. Deal. That's my guarantee. And you know what? If you make a tri-fold wallet with help from the folks from weaver second base guarantee wow a babe a hunk or a non-binary sex machine is gonna go all the way to a little tongue kissing

with you gosh oh my gosh all right well if you want if you want second base action if you want second base action, if you want free chips, here's what you do. And also, oh, also, so free chips, second base, and if you're interested in giving leather crafting a try. Yeah, so those are the three things. First of all, second base. Second of all, free chips. Third of all, just a rewarding hobby. You can make things for yourself and your friends. Weaverleathersupply.com slash JJGO.

You're getting 10% off your first order with Weaver Leather Supply. I love it, Jordan. You know what I'm going to do? Tooled belt. Oh, my gosh. Sounds amazing. It's going to be fantastic. Weaverleathersupply.com slash JJGO. Okay. We'll be back in just a second

on Jordan, Jesse Go. Oh, it's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, of it, but I think Mawslayer is more fitting. Look out, Maws. Look out, Maws. Ma Parker. Ma... I don't know any other Maws. Maws Jabroni. Nice guy. Very funny guy. I like him. Great guy, yeah. Hilarious. I have to slay him. Glenn, when you were slaying this Maw,

did you consider slaying any other part of it? Or did you just want to focus on the maw? Well, I mean, it's called. It's just a giant. The whole thing is the maw. Yeah, the whole thing. It's just called.

It's a giant two-headed shark. It is a thing of, it turns out here, neutral evil, which surprised me because I figured it would be chaotic evil. But, you know. And, yeah. So I just took it, took it down. Huge. It's called a huge monstrosity. I took down a huge monstrosity.

Can I tell you guys something? I have only seen the movie Santa Jaws. Sure. But my daughter went through, this is the only movie I've ever seen. My daughter went through a period where she watched all of the sharknado movies and then she watched all of the fake sharknado movies and there's one called five headed shark attack wow and here's some shit you don't expect about five headed shark attack gives how many heads the shark has hint it's four what are they real wait what's? Is that real? Yes, that's 100% real.

Why is it called that then? I don't know. I came into the room while my daughter was watching Five-Headed Shark Attack. And I looked, I counted the fucking heads on this shark. And I was like, Gracie, am I wrong or does this shark have four heads? And she's like, 100% it has four heads. Huh? Well, was this the act two turn?

Is it building to a climax where we, we get the, you know, like in Twister, you get the F5 at the end, right? So you're building to. Right.

I think that's probably what it was. In, in Twister for a long time, there is no Twister. There's just a gentle breeze. Right. Right. Until finally there is the titular Twister. Yeah. And the cow. In thisister, for a long time, there is no Twister. There's just a gentle breeze. Right. Until finally, there is the titular Twister. Yeah, and the cow.

In this case, it's a... It's like it's just a Chekhov's gun situation, but it's a Chekhov shark head. When something momentous happens to you, like you finally get that fifth shark head, momentous happens to you, like you finally get that fifth shark head, give us a call 206-984-4-FUN or send us a voice memo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org, such as this person that Brian Fernandez, our producer, is about to play the call of which? Of whom? Hello, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. I'm going to guess Brian Michael Bendis. Close. This is Andy from Brooklyn with a momentous occasion.

It's a small momentous occasion, but I got a real kick out of it. I was going into my apartment building, and coming out of the apartment building were an older Hispanic couple. And the gentleman in the couple had one of those Bluetooth speakers. And the music that they were listening to as they prepared to go on their daily walk was the Jurassic Park soundtrack. Yeah. That was fun for me. I love the show. I think that's super inspiring, right? Because it's like you're walking through Central Park or whatever.

You're walking down the river walk in your hometown. And you're feeling the majesty of nature thanks to the majestic work of the great John Williams. And you know at any moment you could be consumed because, you know, raptors can work door handles. Right. They are famously clever girls. The dinosaurs, of course, famously went extinct. And this was an elderly couple. They might just be grappling with their mortality.

They might just be reminding themselves that soon it will all be over. What would you say, Glenn, are the three things that dinosaurs are most famous for? So first of all, they famously went extinct. Eating dudes on toilets, that's two.

That's number two. Love a toilet munch. Snack it on them toilet dudes. Snacking on them toilet dudes. Snacking on toilet dudes in kind of safari hats. And then causing ripples in Dixie Cups or whatever. Right, Dixie Cups. Yeah, Glenn, I think you're on to something interesting, which is that using Jurassic Park, not just like, oh, I'm remembering this movie I like

through this soundtrack, but what can I take away from this? What is the central lesson of this movie? And you can kind of take that into your day via the music. And I think that, especially for older people, think what jurassic park teaches us is to hold on to your butts yeah uh-uh-uh that's it we got that's it over here i just want to say stuff from jurassic park i don't even want to do the bit yeah would that have newman from seinfeld in there totally did yeah we did that was just sort of the golden age of Newman from Seinfeld. Newman had a fucking hell of a 90s. Yeah.

That guy did great. I'd like to see that for the Beeper King. Okay. I really think the Beeper King could be out there in film and television more in the way that Newman was at his peak. Okay. I'm going to need you to show your work here. So Newman on Seinfeld, Dude in Jurassic Park. What else?

Space Jam. Okay. All right. What about Space Jam? Yeah, is the Beeper King in Space Jam 2 the next generation? Did you hear this thing's maybe not in space? Yeah, I have. I mean, it seems like every-

I think it's a virtual thing, right? Yeah. Every week, we are inundated with a new Space Jam controversy. Yeah. And I think we're maybe all experiencing a little bit of Space Jam controversy fatigue. Speak for yourself, Jordan. Oh, okay. You want it.

You want more. Did you see this tweet thread that Daffy Duck wrote? You're like a mob, but for Space Jam controversy. Yeah. And I'll never be slain.. And I'll never be slain. Yeah. And never shall never be slain. I'm 53 hell damn ass years old, as I think I mentioned.

So this all missed me. The Space Jam thing just missed me. So I hear you talking, and it's like on the old peanut specials, Miss Avmar, where it's just like wah-wah, wah-wah, wah-wah, wah-wah. I don't understand it. I watched Space Jam with my kids because I bought it on VHS at the thrift store. I thought, you know, Jordan and I,

the main thing we've ever talked about on this show is that we are like two and a half years too old to have watched and enjoyed Space Jam. I had never seen Space Jam, so I watched it with my kids on VHS. And the things that I was struck by were that Michael Jordan did a much better job than I expected. I've heard this. I can't say he did a good job, but he did a much better job than I expected.

And also Space Jam sucks ass. It's so bad. Space Jam is such a crap movie. You're just like, oh, man, they got the fucking looney tunes in here come on guys let's get into it is lola bunny's redesign thick enough oh god i know this is this exhibit a open the maw open the controversy maw they should make lola bunny more. They should take her back to her horny roots. I don't. This is like if they made that nun who teaches you about paintings, too, and she wasn't thick.

Right, right. That's what we liked about her. She was thick. She was a real nun. I don't know. This is dangerous. Let's just go back to being horny for the boat. I don't know.

This is dangerous. Let's just go back to being horny for the boat. Remember how you could see the outline of Carl Sagan's crank and his tight 70s pants? Yeah. Billions and billions of... Billions and billions. Those are some wide whale corduroys. Yeah. Yeah.

Thank you. That's fitting for his wide whale. Honestly, that's not why they called him the wide whale. It has nothing to do with the quarter boy. We all got there. We all got there around the same time. Let's take another momentous occasion call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, Guest, and Sunny D.

This is Chris from Indiana. And I have a momentous occasion. I took my three-year-old daughter to the zoo for the first time the other day, and we saw a walrus fuck a bucket. Thanks. How do you know? How do you know it was fucking it? How do you know?

How do you know? Did you see the walrus jizz? Yeah. Did you? Show me the jizz. I'm not. Did you interview the bucket afterwards? Did you put your own two peepers on that jizz yeah did you show me the jizz i'm not did you interview the bucket afterwards did you put your own two peepers on that jizz right okay one and two left and right camera one camera

two did you take a look at that walrus's ejaculate yeah although i hear carl sagan could fuck a bucket jordan you know what they you know what they call that when a walrus fucks a bucket to completion walrusio sauce oh god uh brian can we cut that out we can't we cannot cut it out all right you know brian actually play it on repeat five or six more times. As a professional writer who pays attention to the euphoniousness of words, the sounds of words, the rhythms of sentences. Cellar door. Cellar door. Cellar door, cellar door, cellar door.

We saw a walrus fuck a bucket is just, I mean, does it get better? Wow. I think it does. Glenn, you're not the only writer here. I mean, obviously, you've got this new NPR podcast guide out. Sure. So you're a pretty accomplished writer. But I am also a writer who loves the sound of words.

The sound of words. The tip of the tongue, the tip in the lips. Red leather, yellow leather. And that's how I know. I don't know if you know this, but sauce is a cum word. Also, sauce is a cum word. It's up there. It's up there. We saw a walrus fuck a bucket.

Sauce is a cum word. Stay calm. It's up there. It's up there. We saw a walrus fuck. A bucket sauce is a cum word. Toy boat. Toy boat. Toy boat. We're horny for a toy boat. There's an entire chapter devoted to just this in NPR's podcast startup guide, How to Create Lunch and Go podcast. Listen, Glenn, we figured out we figured your book needed kind of a

goofus and gallant situation. We're gallant and Guy Ross is goofus. Goofus takes time to produce thoughtful content. Gallant just says come words. Goofus wastes his time

researching, recording, creating soundscapes. Gallant saves himself fucking 12 hours and just says a bunch of cum words and then tells the same five stories over and over again. Uh-huh.

God. How about this? Goofus teaches us the secrets of entrepreneurs. Right. And Gallant, did you know, was born in San Francisco? Sure. Donks, Wario, Dick Jokes, and Hot Tubbin' on the Late Night. Yes, it's all in the book. It's all in the late night yes it's all it's all in the book yeah we did it it's all there ladies and gentlemen brian michael bendis

you know uh goofus doesn't have a deep stable of recurring segments that uh goofus has invented through his own creativity. We're the only show that has that, which is why we're gallant and which is why we're about to take a call for one of those segments right now. Hey, this is Tony calling in for your famous segment, Post Office Happenings. Today, while I worked at the post office, I helped an older gentleman out with some of the disease that he needed, that he had, and he came back with a giant box of tomatoes and a cucumber from his garden.

Have a great day. Okay. Yeah, fuck yeah. U.S. Postal Service. Bring him some maters. This is so wholesome. Yeah, geez, I feel bad about saying all those cum words. If it wasn't for us, people could just tune into this story and hear a wholesome story

about rewarding postal carriers with fresh produce. I don't know. Cucumber is a crank veg. Sure. And tomatoes, famously. Tomatoes are testicle fruits. Right, exactly. Don't neglect the tomatoes.

Everybody knows that. But seriously, is this post office in Lake Wobegon? Because Jesus, that's so wholesome. So wholesome. I would love just once to have somebody bring me some nice fresh maters. Yeah. I don't even like them. Yeah, I don't either. I don't even once to have somebody bring me some nice fresh tomatoes. Yeah. I don't even like them. Yeah, I don't either.

I don't even want to eat them. I just want someone to bring them to me. Huh. My uncle used to get physically ill at the sight of a cut tomato. I think it reminded him of blood or something. Like he could not, we had to kind of sequester him at Thanksgiving. Well, you wouldn't have to tempt tomatoes at Thanksgiving. That's monstrous. Why would't have to tempt tomatoes at Thanksgiving.

That's monstrous. Why would you have to tempt tomatoes at Thanksgiving? But maybe like a July 4th thing. He could not be within sight of a cut tomato. Would you say that it's, what was it, gargantuan monstrous to serve tomatoes? I think it was a humongous, huge monstrosity. Huge monstrosity, yeah. Huge monstrosity. Thank you. I monstrosity. Huge monstrosity, yeah. Huge monstrosity. Thank you.

I don't like tomatoes. Never have. I hated them as a kid. Hate them now. Is it a consistency thing? Is it the mushiness? It's the package. It's consistency plus flavor plus seeds plus not knowing if it's a fruit or a vegetable. Okay. Yeah, no, tomatoes are totally bullshit i mean tomatoes are bullshit you can put tomatoes look make tomato sauce all day long you want to make ketchup great anytime you're squishing up a tomato and putting it into something that's totally fine with me uh salt it up, squish it, squish some of the water out of there, cream it up, that's great.

But what am I supposed to do with a fresh tomato? Okay, you are exactly wrong. Tomato sauce is bullshit because it is way too sweet. It's like ketchup. I hate it. I love a tomato with some salt and some pepper and maybe a big chunk of mozzarella. Top of that.

Boom. Done. That is all you need. Something cold. You can see the little water beating up on the surface like in those fakey fake McDonald's as when those tomatoes never look like real. Glenn, would you say that you're eating a tomato and walking here? I am in fact doing that.

With mozzarella mozzarella tomato. I, so I recently just got done, you know, for the first time since, you know, all the shit I worked in an office for a couple of weeks, I was on like kind of a short term job and I worked in an office for a

couple of weeks with other like, you know, people. We all worked in this office for a little while with other local singles look local singles in my area uh yeah just me and a couple of horny milfs and um deb and pam wait my aunt deb no not your aunt deb i'm horny singles i mean she's single since she is single since my Uncle Wayne passed. Okay.

May he rest in peace. Kind man, my Uncle Wayne. I would never do that to Wayne's ghost. I respect, Jesse, I respect Wayne's ghost too much. Yeah, thank you. But, you know, something when you work with me in an office, something you just have to deal with is, like, watching me peel a tomato off

a catering sandwich every day. And honestly, I think it's when I'm at my sexiest. When I am just... When you're a real Mimi. Yeah. Getting my dirty little mitts into that bread, peeling off the tomato and just setting it on the table. But a tomato on a catering sandwich, it's wrapped in cellophane, right?

It's wrapped in plastic, right? Yeah, typically. Yeah, okay. That's the worst tomato. It's a very bad tomato. Of course, I do not blame you. It's the worst. The fresh tomato that you eat over the sink.

Okay. So the juices just drip down into the disposal. That's the best tomato. And you add a little of the gabagool. And a little olive oil. Oh. Have it on some spaghetti. Popeye.

Have it with a little Popeye. Glenn, are you really eating a tomato over the sink while the juices drip down your chin? Fuck yeah. Oh my God. A fresh tomato. Fresh August tomato.

See, this is the thing. In California, you don't get this. Like here on the East Coast, we have, it's tomato season. The tomatoes come and they're here for a brief, they're ephemeral, they pass. And the ones that you get in the supermarket are just like mealy nasty. Yeah. So maybe, maybe that's it. Maybe that's it.

A real tomato. It's really hard to grow produce in California. I just want to say some more Soprano stuff, and that's okay. Yes, exactly. Brian, why don't you play another call? Brian, why don't you play another call? Hi, Jordan, Jesse, Sunny B, dual guests, John Banderslice, and Carl Tart. Close.

Okay, sure. This is an anonymous caller from Santa Rosa, California, calling in with your signature segment, Fun Things I've Learned About My New Boss's Kids. And that is that they are competitive crump dancers. Fuck yeah. Love you guys. God. First of all, thank you for keeping that anonymous. We wouldn't want this to get out.

Right. Blind item. Local kids have hobby. God. item local kids have hobby god you know my mom taught junior college in santa rosa for 20 years and mostly her students were were like fire science students who were going to grow up to be firefighters some were some were uh learning ag stuff so they could be farmers. Not that much crumping going on. Now, I didn't ask her, to be fair, I didn't ask her about clown dancing. But not that much crumping going on.

How did she learn this? This is the question. Is there a photo? Is there an awards, like, is there a certificate in his office of his children winning international The bumper sticker asked me about my crumping children. Jordan, are you talking about a crumper sticker? Crunky, that's... Oh, my God.

All right, Brian, play that five more times. Yep. There you go. All right, Brian, play that five more times. There you go. Have either of you guys seen the David LaChapelle documentary about crumping and clown dancing? Oh, sure. Yeah.

No. Yeah, that is. Glenn, you should watch this movie. It is. I mean, David LaChapelle is a stylist. He's not a journalist. he's not a journalist the film is not long on coherency but uh it is long on just the fucking most amazing shots of people crumping and like a crumping is one of the most amazing things you can see in the world uh and i can only imagine like if you said to me jesse do you want to go down to you know the uh the event center in the city of orange and watch the international crumping competition

i would be behind the wheel of my car in 10 seconds i would be on my way to the beautiful city of orange maybe have a nice lunch nice lunch in the historic downtown there. They got some nice vintage shores, some good antique shopping. You could meet my sister who lives down there. Oh, I would love to see your sister. How's she doing? Is she doing all right? Maybe she wants to come to lunch.

She's doing real good. Yeah, she knows some good lunch spots down there. Does she want to do some antiquing? She does. Okay, great. Great, fantastic. Well, then it's settled. Give her a call. spots down there every time does she want to do some antiquing she does okay great great fantastic well then it's settled uh give her a call let her know that she and i will be having lunch going antiquing and then seeing this crump contest this will happen in the middle of the work week right yeah absolutely so the tuesday afternoon situation People fly in from all over the world.

Right. I like and support a hobby competition. Like a competition of something that is not, strictly speaking, competitive. Sure. And that is not quite popular enough to be on ESPN3 or something. Like, I want a crumping competition. I want people to fly in from around the world to compete in a fly fishing casting competition. This is something that I love.

I love people who have dedicated their life to something with no hope of recompense or appreciation of any kind, who then buy plane tickets to Dusseldorf to compare their skills with others of their dorkery. Sure. Well, there's certainly crossword puzzle competitions, which mystifies me. There's scrabble competitions. There's, I would imagine, just if you widen out to any kind of hobby, I guess there must be kind of cross-stitch

competitions. Boggle competitions. Sampler competitions. Boggle competitions. Macrame. Let's say, I suppose, latch hook rugging. That could be a thing. I like to go to the competitive hall at the state fair or the county fair. I like to see

what eighth grader won best watercolor sure you know what's fun place setting oh love it love it we got a what do you got a shrimp fork there yeah place setting is great because like it's you know there's the there's the there's the kids who like did the assignment you know there's the kids who, like, did the assignment. You know, there's the kids who do, like, I'm doing America. I'm doing, you know, like, what are some other just, like, themes that would win you that thing? Like. Equestrian.

Equestrian. You know, the American Southwest. american southwest sure sure that could definitely win you get a coco pelly into your place setting you're set yeah have some turquoise in that shit a tile roadrunner is featured somehow you're gonna win this thing but then there's just the kid who is like fuck it i'm doing castlevania. He's just like, I know I'm not going to win, but I just want to do Castlevania. The theme of my place setting is up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right. Yeah, sure, the Konami code. Well, if you have a segment you'd like to call in for, 206-9844-FUN or or jjgoe at maximum fun dot org.

The theme of my table setting, by the way, Jordan, octopus. Wow. Well, you're not going to win, but you're going to live your truth, and that's what's important. Why are you doing the eyebrow thing? Was that an innuendo? Octopus, Jordan. I don't know if I get it.

I'm talking about that little beak, Jordan. Alright. I'm unsettled, but I don't know if I get it. I'm talking about that little beak, Jordan. All right. I'm unsettled, but I don't know why. Yeah. Jesse, I know you've moved recently. Is there a gas leak in your new house? Call the gas company. Chomp, chomp those little fishies.

I'm talking about that beak, Jordan. Octopus. Yeah. All right. I get it. Open a window, Jesse. Open a window, Jesse. Open a window. Teresa, if you can hear me through Jesse's headphones, open up a window.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. One, two, one, two, three. Hi everybody, my name is Justin McElroy. I'm Sydney McElroy.

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I'm Jesse, Foreign America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Glenn Weldon, muscular influencer. Fuck it. I'm Jesse, Foreign America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Glenn Weldon, muscular influencer. Fuck it, I'm just going to accept it. I think it's great. This guy is yoked and people are doing what he says. Oh, that's provably false, but go on. And Glenn, if you use that name, you know, you're a little more undercover.

So if you're using that name, the moths won't see you coming you can sneak up on those nasty moths yeah i mean as a as a goliath i'm not big on stealth but you know i can try yeah i can try what do you uh glenn have you ever targeted a pawpaw we have here's here's some mountain living we have some fucking invasive pawpaws here that we're gonna we're gonna're going to go after them. Because apparently they're all of the same sex. Pawpaws are of different sexes apparently. And that's how when you get, you can only get a fruit if you have pawpaws of different sexes. And when you do get a fruit, apparently it's a very, and this is the phrase that grossed me out, custody.

It's a custody fruit, which gross. No, no. So if you have, if you've got a pawpaw and the pawpaw finds a pawpaw of the opposite sex, what do you get, a nana? You get a maw. You get a big old maw and I'm just going to slay. I have a question.

Okay. What are you guys talking about? I have a question. Okay. What are you guys talking about? The pawpaw, Jordan, is a very invasive tree. Okay. It is taken over the fucking mountain. And they're ugly.

And they smell. But the deer likes them. And the deer kind of, sometimes you'll see a deer kind of huddled in there with its little fawn, little bambi eyes looking back at you. So, no, we're going to take them out. We're going to salt the earth so that nothing can grow. Good. Pour gasoline on them. Well, now, thank you.

Pawpaws are now my enemy. Yes, as they should be. I didn't know what they were until five seconds ago, and now I hate them. I've done my part. Glenn, as we mentioned, you, you know, aren't hanging out with us on the pod not just for you know friendship reasons catching up you know but 90 percent 90 percent friend 92 let's say i'll let's say 95 friendship laughs good times a combination of those three things oh thanks yep but also you you know there's a you know, there's a book to sell.

There's no in-person book events. Mm-hmm. Tell us about the book. It is NPR's Podcast Startup Guide. So it's basically me interviewing a lot of NPR podcast people, including one. I'm trying to get, I don't know if I have this name right. Jesse, is that Thorn? Does that sound like that?

It's pronounced Guy Raz. Guy Raz. See, there's pronounced Guy Raz. Guy Raz. See, there's a silent G. There's a silent Jesse Gathorn. Gathorn. About all aspects of the podcast production process, I didn't want to just interview hosts. I really wanted to talk to a lot of producers and editors and sound mixers

all about everything from, like, you know, putting your audience first and having a clear and consistent focus and what equipment to use and how to budget, how to maintain a regular schedule, how to collect audio right the first time so you don't have to do it the second time. Glenn, can I ask you, did you recommend people do anything that we do on this show? Even one thing that we do on this show. Okay. Well, this is, this is funny because, you know, sort of there's all that kind of NPR stuff at the beginning about, you know, thinking of your audience first because there's all that kind of NPR stuff at the beginning about thinking of your audience first, but then at the end of the book,

this is true, this last chapter is called it's the conclusion of the book, it's called Five Rules to Podcasts by, I'm not lying, it says right there, Five Rules to Podcasts. He's holding it up to the Zoom. We see it. You can hear the pages flipping. Weldon's not fucking around. This is not a bit. Not a bit.

So, rule number one, and this is, I think you guys are doing okay. So some of the other stuff, you know, six of one happens, but some of the other stuff, like the rule number one here is

ideally meet each other at UC Santa Cruz, comma, go slugs. So that's one. Yeah. Okay. Two.

All right. We're rooting for that legendary Division III tennis team. You're doing good so far. Third in the nation. Two, in the beginning, you're going to want a lot of donk. You want a lot of donks content, but then you can kind of pull back on that after a few years.

Okay, all right. Just get tired of, does it say in there, just get tired of getting emails about that? It doesn't say that. We're two for two. That's the second. When I have second edition, I'll add that. Number three is if you notice your listenership is plateauing, have you mentioned Wario lately? So that's about that.

Number four, it just says two words here, dick jokes. I think you guys are okay there. And then number five, I think, is octopus. Octopus. I think you guys are okay there. And then number five, I think, is Octopus. Octopus. Teresa, if you could just open a window, kick down the door if you have to.

So that's the book. I hope you like it. They let me add wacky footnotes and make it sort of funny adjacent. Because they told me not to write a textbook, not to write anything that's supposed to feel like a conversation with the reader. I tried to do that. So that's the book, and it's also cause they, they told me not to write a textbook, not to write anything. That's supposed to feel like a conversation with the reader. I tried to do that. So that's the book and it's out now. Who's your top, who's the most insightful contributor, uh, that you talked to, uh, for this book in terms of interviewing? I'm not lying, Jesse.

That's actually you. Uh, but, uh, Jessica Reedy, uh, in terms of just how to like facilitate a conversation, how to tighten a conversation, how to make it so there's no dead spots. And I talked to a lot of interns because they have like podcasts on the side and they're the ones who are kind of DIYing it right now. And that's in terms of practical information, like hosts had a view from 30,000 feet, and I love hosts, but the people who are actually producing the stuff are the people who actually have practical information, like Sammy Yinnigan, like, I mean, Sam Sanders actually had some really great stuff there about how to talk,

how to write like you talk, which is a big deal when it comes to this kind of stuff. But seriously, the interview chapter is Jesse heavy. It is Jesse dependent. Without Jesse, it would be a leaflet. Glenn, if anybody who reads your NPR writing knows that you're a genuinely hilarious guy. You joke. You say funny adjacent, but that's too modest.

You're a hilarious guy. You're a regular Maz Jabrani. You're a regular Maz Jabrani. I'm a regular Maz Jabrani. And yeah, I no doubt this book will be both informative and laugh out loud funny. Oh, you're a nice person. Yes. Thank you. And so, yes, NPR Pop Culture Happy Hour.

I also have a podcast that I basically ignore every single thing that's in the book with my friend Chris. It's called A Druggy Absolute. It is a episode-by-episode breakdown of The Prisoner, an old 60s show. Oh, hey. An old 60s spy show that is very weird. And we're coming up to the end of it, but we're going to try to get one Mr. Jesse Thorne on the show very soon to talk about Escape from Alcatraz, a movie starring Patrick McGowan, which is very odd.

This is a television show where there's bubbles floating around? There's bubbles that eat people, yes. Bubbles that smother people because they are captured spies and they cannot escape the village. And if they try to escape the village, they get smothered by a giant white weather balloon. You know, that old plot. So then once you do escape from Alcatraz,

that's when you transition to the Voyage of the Mimi? I think we've got to... He wants to keep going. He wants to do other things. We'll see. We'll figure it out. We'll see. What do you think, Jordan?

Are you ready to do a Voyage of the Mimi recap podcast? Because Glenn's leaving this money on the table. Yeah. No, man. I'm too horny for that boat. I wouldn't get anything done. It would be frankly troubling, actually. Yeah, man, I'm too horny for that boat. I wouldn't get anything done. It would be it'd be frankly troubling, actually. I would say be uncomfortable to listen to. Welcome to the podcast of the Mimi. And Jordan would just say, boy, excuse me.

See right there. That's rule number four. Dick jokes. Dick jokes. Parentheses on a monopia. jokes stay right there dick jokes parentheses on a monopia i'll say this um i've taken a look at some of this stuff in glenn weldon's book it's a wonderful guide um i think npr really do a lot of good stuff um some stuff less good uh there's a show called bullseye i don't care for but that actually you know not actually produced by NPR. So the stuff NPR actually produces is pretty solid. But you should go grab Glenn Weldon's book if you've ever thought about starting a podcast or getting better with your podcast. That book and our friends, the McElroy Brothers book are both really wonderful guides to podcasting that aren't just you know there was a period where every book was a guide to podcasting and it was all just

explanations of how to code RSS feeds yeah um and I think we are in a a golden age where we've got these two great books that are actually useful that you can actually learn something from but that are also like you know they have depth of information but are also accessible uh to someone who uh hasn't worked in radio or worked in podcasting or gone to broadcast school uh or worked for many years as a a writer at a cancer nonprofit like Glenn Weldon. An anti-cancer nonprofit. It was anti-cancer. I feel the need to say that. An important distinction.

A small but important distinction. We came down fully anti, fully non. The pro-cancer is actually for profit. They're doing that for money. I don't know who is paying for cancer. Because in a way, man, profit is a cancer oh yeah thank you glenn glenn weldon go on chapo uh our producer on jordan jesse go is brian sunny d fernandez he has help this week from val moffitt who is producing our little video stream. You can watch the show.

If you want to watch the show, as we record it, we've been putting it on our Facebook page on Sunday nights. So, I mean, no promises. Sometimes our microphones aren't working and we start half an hour later than we thought we were going to.

But in general, go to Facebook and like Jordan Jesse Go and we're streaming there. Val's doing a great job. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. And go out to your indie bookstore.

Get yourself a copy of Glenn Weldon's new book and get yourself a copy of Jordan Morris' new book, Bubble. These are things that I insist you not fuck this up yeah spend this summer indoors reading

Jordan now more than ever Jordan I'm going to tell you this I want every single listener to Jordan Jesse Go to buy a copy of your book and buy a copy of Glenn Weldon's book.

Oh, that'd be awesome. So the two of you, when you get your first sales reports, tell me, have more or less than 17 people bought the book? Because if fewer people than 17, we know not every Jordan Jesse Go listener has bought the book. If it's more than 17, somebody told a friend. Yeah. And also if you got both books,

once you got them both in your grubby little hands, make them kiss. Yeah. We love to read. Something, something, spine. Yeah, spine works. Don't neglect the spine. Is that what we're looking for?

Yeah, I think that's right. Okay, friends. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica. Bye. Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.