Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 697: Hot Lorax with Patton Oswalt and Meredith Salenger

Episode Date: July 25, 2021

Patton Oswalt and Meredith Salenger (New Podcast: Did You Get My Text) join Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of the tough credits everyone had to work around to graduate, Patton and Meredith's favorite on-screen deaths or murders from their acting careers, and the ways specific fandoms dress at conventions. Plus, Patton and Meredith have a new podcast called Did You Get My Text!! Check it out!And if you haven't already, get Bubble today!  If you buy from Book Soup, you can get a signed copy!SPECIAL THANKS to our sponsors – • Magic Spoon – Go to magicspoon.com/JJGO to try Magix Spoon today! Use promo code JJGO at checkout to save five dollars off your order!• BetterHelp – Have your first customized online therapy session in under 48 hours! Get 10% off your first month at BetterHelp.com/JJGo! 

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, what sort of man am I? Wow, so sometimes at the show, at the beginning of the show, we'll have an idea that we're going to discuss. We'll have maybe an anecdote to share. But it sounds like we're starting the show with a real existential question, Jordan. What sort of man are you?

What sort of man am I? A human man of flesh and bone? You know, I thought so. Are you not sanguineous? I thought so until I received a mass email that turned my world upside down. As they so often do. Who has not received a mass email that has turned their life upside down? So, Jess, do you... For example, there was a lifeguard at the pool with COVID, so I got that email the other day.

He's fine, but, you know, everybody's getting a rapid test. Go ahead, Jordan. Sure. I would say mine is much, much more important than that. Thank you. Probably. So my thing's more important, my thing's better. Jesse, you receive mass emails

right sometimes you're like on a list you signed up for something you didn't untick the box you're on you're getting these marketing emails i get all kinds of mass emails i i get mass by mass email oh good so you get to attend a catholic service via father torres yeah down at the, yeah. That's fun. Somehow I got on the Latin list. I don't know. I can't figure out how to. Yeah, there's a modern mass email you can get. Exactly. And the worship songs are a little more rockin'.

Yeah, acoustic guitar. Right. So when you get a mass email and you don't recognize it, usually you can kind of like trace where it's from, right? Like, for instance, if I get a mass email about a Joan Jett concert, I understand that I'm getting that because I recently went to an Elvis Costello concert. And you're like, okay, I understand why they think I would want to see this, because I bought tickets to this comparable thing.

You can kind of like trace how the algorithm got there. Sure. But I received a mass email and this didn't go to my junk. This went straight to my like inbox inbox. A lot of times these mass emails, you catch them right in the junk. No, yeah. This went straight past the junk, grazed my taint and went right to the inbox. grazed my taint and went right to the inbox. Sure. I'll read you this mass email. Thanks, Jordan.

Deep House Brunch returns this Sunday. Or Love by Day and Scotty Boy present Groove Cruise, Deep House Brunch, DTLA. That's downtown LA. Featuring Scotty Boy, DJ Scooter, Christian Ten, Myron Eugene, Christian Bradford, D Sharp on violin, Diego D-Rox on drums, Gary Stewart on guitar. Wait, hold on. There's a

violinist at the deep... There's a violinist at this deep house brunch. Did you say one of the DJs was named Myron? So it's either Myron or Myron. The spacing is a little strange on this text. It's either Myron Eugene or Myron Eugene. It's me, DJ Herschel on the ones and twos.

Myron. Myron. And this is all happening at the Elevate Lounge, 1 p.m. to 7 p.m. Does 7 p.m. count as brunch? Anyway. Can you give me the, what was the lineup on that? Drums, violin, trombone? Scotty Boy, DJ Scooter, Christian Ten, Myron Eugene, Christian Bradford, D-Sharp on violin,

Diego D-Rox on drums, and Gary Stewart on guitar. What's crazy about it to me, Jordan, and look, there's a lot of weird things about this mass email you received. Yeah. But I think what's craziest about it to me is that you're more into hip house because thank you thank you're not even really like if this was if you got an email right Baltimore club party yeah I'm there Detroit techno party absolutely you're there chill hop shoegaze sissy bounce these are my genres normally look if you're going if you're gonna go to brunch yes i know you we've toured together

we've been friends for 20 years jordan yeah 20 years we've been friends i know that if you're going to brunch, it's Eggs Benedict and Sissy Bounce. Bennies and Bouncies. That's me. All day. Every Sunday you do this. And you drive, you'll drive all the way to Culver City to do it. Yeah, sure. This isn't something they have in Pasadena. You gotta get all the way out to Culver

City for this. I'll go to Lakewood for a good Sissy Bounce brunch. You'll get on the 405 to Culver City for this. I'll go to Lakewood for a good sissy bounce brunch. You'll get on the 405. You don't care. 134? I'm there. She would just list freeways, local freeways. So, okay, two questions.

How did I end up on this list? I don't think I'm the sort of, how did they receive my information and go, this man is into deep house brunch from groove cruise yeah also why is there nothing on the mass email about the menu there's nothing about the food so the food could be bad did you go to that thing at ihop where they had moody man spinning on the ones and twos yep that's it that's it yep you're right there you get there it is thanks i was just there to try the burgers because they had the new burger thing where they changed it to IHOP.

So I was just there, but that's probably it. Moody Man was there though. He was there. Yeah. And I did, I did spring for the bottle service. Okay. So. So they know they have your email address from when you did the bottle service.

There you go. Okay. Now. Did you have to give them your email when you did the bottle service? Do you remember that? Yeah, they did. They asked for the email. Okay.

Yeah, this is all making sense. We figured this out. Did you give them your real email? Yeah, and several others too. Just gave them a bunch of emails. I thought it would make me look like hot shit if I had a bunch of emails. When did you give them Steve Agee's email? Steve Agee's email. Eliza Skinner? Did him? Steve Agee's email? Steve Agee's email.

Eliza Skinner? Did you give him Eliza's email? Yeah, my dad. Our old literature professor. Colin Muhammad? Yeah. Oh, you gave him Professor Muhammad's email? I did.

I still had it. Well, that'll be nice. He's such a nice man. It's at ucsc.edu. I don't know if he still teaches there, but if he is, he's getting an invite to Deep House Brunch. Yeah. Maybe I lean in.

Maybe I'm a Deep House Brunch guy now. Maybe I should just get, I don't know what I wear, a deep V probably, like expensive jeans, but with like gold boots. Is this the, am I getting this right? Is this what they're doing when they're clubbing in Chicago? You're imagining gold boots, expensive jeans, and a deep V? I think so.

Yeah. I mean, that's possible. I'm just guessing here. Again, I'm just guessing. Can I make a recommendation? Yeah. Ask your dad. See what he has to say.

Yeah, well, if I could get a hold of him. Send him an email. Our guests on the program this week. Cuddling a beautiful cat. Beautiful cat. Wearing cat ears that are not, that are not just a filter. Actor and podcaster, Meredith Salinger.

Hello, hello. And receiving technical advice from his wife consistently throughout the preamble to this program. Comedian, podcaster, television writer, actor. Emmy and Grammy winner. Grammy Award winner. Yeah, man. Oh, I forgot you wrote the liner notes for that U2 album. Yes, I did.

And I got the best Grammy liner notes. You know, you focus on Larry Mullen and that U2 album. Yes, I did. I got the best Grammy liner notes. You know, you focus on Larry Mullen and that statue is yours. Patton Oswalt. Hi, guys. It's weird that you were talking in your preamble. Meredith and I are a big fan of Brunk, which is a

crunk brunch. There's one that we really like doing up in North Hollywood. You get great, great egg bennies and just shirtless dudes in clown makeup dancing really violently around you, and it goes together. It works. Great way to start a Sunday. Yeah.

Love a good brunk. That's hot. We met at a crunking venue. Yes. A crunking venue. That's where they crunk. Yeah, yeah. Well, it is. Yeah, a crunk venue. It was a pop-up called Crunking venue. Yes. A crunking venue. That's where they crunk. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's...

Yeah, a crunk venue. It was a pop-up called Crunkin' Donuts. And we both went there to get some crullers, or should I call them crunkers? Yeah. And our eyes met

over a glazed log. And I'm going to leave it at that. Yeah. Thanks. Thanks, Patton. I wouldn't want to get too much further into that. You know, I know East Coasters love those logs, but I don't get it. I don't get

it. You know, it's an East Coast thing, I guess. I guess you have to have grown up with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's a joy to have the two of you on the program. And at the same time, no less, the two of you co-parenting a human child, and I know what it takes to get a child into a different room.

You know what I mean? Yeah, it's really easy. We drove her four hours away and left her in the woods. She's actually at camp right now. We drove her into the desert with a pocket knife and a canteen full of scotch and went, you know, today you're an adult. Take care of yourself, honey. Hopefully, you know, God willing,

and if she's strong enough, we'll see her July 31st. How to raise an independent child. We'll see. Hopefully. You know, the thing is, if she comes back, it was meant to be. Eggs, thank you. Thank you, yes.

But if she doesn't, it was, you know, just wasn't in the cards. There you go. My kids are doing, this summer they're doing Voyage of the Mimi Camp. That's where you put them on a whaling vessel. Yes. And then it crashes on a remote island.

And it's great because actually my son Oscar, who's seven, was already, he doesn't like going to camp, but he was already pretty good pals with young ben affleck right um so he that was like an entry point for him was he already had a friend there and my my youngest frankie is is best friends with the grumpy old man who captains the ship go ahead jordan wow uh meredith uh you were there was a lot of fun cat action going on during our during our intro. She wanted to be on my lap. She loves me so much. She won't go anywhere without me.

She's very fickle, though. No, not with me. But, like, she'll want to be with you, and then she'll suddenly want to get up, and then she'll want to come back. She's a very whimsical cat. She doesn't sit in the snuggle very long. No. No, she does not. But she likes to have breakfast around 730, and she'll wake you up until you feed her breakfast. But if Patton feeds her breakfast at that hour, she will not go downstairs until I take her downstairs for breakfast.

I am the one. She will not leave my side until I go downstairs. And I happened to sleep late today. It was 10.30, and I was getting that wah, wah, wah right in the head. This is not a cat you guys got together. This was a cat that. No, this is a cat we got together. Oh, OK.

It just made a choice. Oh, yeah. Wow. Alice and I got her. Yeah. It surveyed the scene and made its selection. Yeah. Yes.

Yes. The thing is, they both pressured me. I had had cats for 15, 17 years. And before I met Patton, both my cats had passed away. It was like, I, they, you know, two years prior to me meeting him or a year prior. And I was like, okay, that was a big responsibility. No more. I we're done. And then Patton and Alice were like, we want a pet. We want a pet. And then I was like, I don't want the responsibility. It's going to be my pet. And then Alice, of course, like every child on the planet is like, no, no, no.

I'll take care of it. I'll play with it. I'm like, when? When are you going to do that? Like in the 30 minutes you have to get ready for school in the morning or in the 30 minutes you have after your after school activities before you have to do your homework to go to bed. When are you going to take care of this animal?

So they forced me to. And so I love her to death. She's my baby. But it's my cat. I think what a lot of people don't understand about cats is that they're very sensitive creatures. And they also appreciate irony. What do you mean? Keen sense of irony.

What? That's why they're called the Alanis Morissettes of the animal kingdom. But you were saying, Jordan, before I interrupted you to tell you all about my cat. No, that's what I was. I was curious. I was curious if the cat, you know, now that now that you're podcasting and I imagine you guys have probably had to do a lot of like press type stuff. Oh, she heard the podcast. She was like, I want to live with that famous family.

I'm going to go nuzzle up to them. She worked her way. That cat was like, now that they with that famous family i'm gonna go nuzzle up to them she worked her way that cat was like now that they have a podcast i'm in knows what she's doing she thought it was hold on jordan she thought it was a paw guest oh thanks jordan oh god you're just like that and get on that pun roll oh j, actually, Jesse, the network is calling me in my headphones. The podcast network that you own, the show's canceled. There you go. I knew we could do it. Oh, really?

Well, they're going to be pretty disappointed that they canceled this show. And by they, I mean, I guess me, because I do own the podcast network. When I win that Grammy Award for liner notes, Jordan. Wow. Have podcasts been nominated for Grammys? I don't think so. I bet that's going to be a new category one day. Like down the road?

I mean, reality programming became a new category. It was like best. In the Grammys? Oh, not the Grammys. But the Grammys is sound and reality tv is like emmys my point is things that didn't exist before will suddenly start mattering like you know best unboxing video i mean they didn't the grammys didn't recognize hip-hop until like what the 90s or it was a long time before they recognized hip-hop it took a long time

yeah before that there was 15 years when they were just known as the steely dan awards i gotta get my steely you would say yeah well the the first i think the first heavy metal award went to jefferson jethro tull when they finally did the category like in the 80s like long after jethro tull had stopped mattering they gave them a uh a Grammy for best heavy metal band. When I was in college, I took this class that was like one of those classes that you take because someone else says take this class. It's a certain number of credits. I took this class and it was called it was called the music business.

And it was called The Music Business. And it was taught by a guy who I had some actual background in the music business, but I don't remember what it was. And the only thing that I really remember from that entire course is that at one point he got his Grammy ballot. And he brought it into class. You know, it was a lecture class it was 80 80 students or 100 students brings it into the brings it into the lecture hall and says i haven't heard of any of these fucking people we're taking votes on everything and he just went down just like a best alternative latin spoken word word album here's your choices show of hands and just picked everything on that basis and i whenever i see the grammy results i think of that and i think that's that's hilarious that's

that's a hundred percent what's going on here right like like don cheadle getting nominated for an emmy for two lines in uh in a marvel show literally two lines literally two lines in a Marvel show. Literally two lines. Literally two lines. Yeah, and I mean, nobody's going to begrudge Don Cheadle. No, he's great. But one of the lines is, give me an Emmy, please. So you can understand that. No one wants to defy DC. I remember in college, my college experience was, you know, dedicated to avoiding math and science, the things that made me cry in high school.

Yeah. So, you know. Not breaking up with a girl or. No, no. I would have to have gone out with a girl. Right, right. To break up with her. Got it.

Yeah. Got it. Yeah. So, you know, but there's also obviously a requirement. And Jesse, you talking about like, oh, this is the thing the person told me to take. My one of those, they were like, oh, if you need these science points, take the class Violent Universe. Violent Universe. Guess what was not as cool as the name?

The class. Yeah. I sincerely just guessed, by the way. You're like, guess what? I'm like, the class yeah I sincerely just guessed by the way you're like guess am I right did I get an A you're right okay ten points to Meredith yes ten points to Meredith I was gonna guess Godspeed you black Emperor go ahead

they got a guy who plays the saw Jesse what more do you want? Anyway, yes. So yes, violent universe, very mathy, very boring, did not live up to its name, which sounds like the most metal fucking thing in history. I mentioned this once on Judge Sean Hodgman and got some really angry emails about it, but I don't endorse this behavior that I'm about to describe, but it is honestly what

happened. I also needed science points. And I went to arts high school. So I don't know that, I know I was in physics class, but me and Hua, the other guy who were in AP physics, me and Hua Hua was a great guy, Hua knew Kung Fu he could do Kung Fu like cool Kung Fu stuff hang on, Hua knew Kung Fu? yes, you were talking to Hua

Hua, first of all the most genial guy in the world but you would be like hey Hua, do some Kung Fu and he would do like a spin. But you would be like, hey, Hua, do some Kung Fu. And he would do like a spin flip. You'd be like, holy shit. But anyway, Hua was, Hua and I were the AP physics class.

But that was just Miss Freeman Dove, our physics teacher. She was just like, I mean, you guys don't have to come if you take the test. So we just took the test at the end of the year. But I don't, I didn't take biology and I didn't take chemistry and I do not know how I graduated. I cannot figure out retrospectively how I graduated because you're supposed to take those. But I had not taken those and I had to get science points in college. And so I signed up with a couple of mutual friends of me and Jordan's

from college, Nathaniel and Dan. Me and Nathaniel and Dan signed up for a genetics class. And I was like, this is going to be fun. It was a gen ed class. It was like a 101 level class, whatever. It was the equivalent of physics for artists. And the first day of class, she starts drawing those pictures of chemicals on the board. And I was like, I leaned over to Nathaniel.

I was like, I don't know how those fucking pictures of chemicals work. What is that? He's like, you didn't take chemistry in high school? I'm like, I didn't. I don't know. I took. I don't know how those fucking pictures of chemicals work. What is that? He's like, you didn't take chemistry in high school? I'm like, I didn't. I don't know. I took, I don't know. I took Commedia dell'arte. Does that help?

And he was like, well, I can try and show you how to do those pictures. I'm like, okay. This is my housemate. He's a nice man. So he showed me for about half an hour after school that day. And I was like, man, this sucks. I was like, hey, Nathaniel, can I just sit next to you and cheat off your paper every time? And he's like, yeah, sure.

So I had never cheated in high school. I had never cheated in college. But it was my senior year, and I had to get science points to graduate. And I was like, I'm not going to fucking learn science now. Like, I go to a public university where I have to get points in every category to graduate from college. But I am cheating my way out. Had you already gotten accepted to college or were you not going to college afterwards? This was in college.

Oh, this is in college. Oh, I thought it was your senior year of high school. This was my senior year. I was a 22-year-old man who had already... I had chosen in my life not to become a science man. There was no question on this front. But was this a situation where you have to get this credit or you can't graduate?

Yes. Wow. I had a scenario like that. Yeah. In high school, I had a scenario where you had to get, it was a drama class, and I was away doing a movie for three months and I got back and the acting teacher was like you didn't you didn't attend class I was like I did tutoring for all for math and science

and history they're all letting me graduate and I was here doing acting the whole time. It was just your class. And she's like, theater is different than film. And I was like, wow. She gave me the snap. Theater is different from film. I've never booked a movie. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what it was.

Yeah. And then I went to the principal and I was like, I literally spent the last three months, 17 hours a day doing actual acting. She has to pass me. She can't not pass me. This is not fair. And so he was like, of course, I'll talk to her. But did you do a monologue from our town? No, you did not. Did you pretend to be an animal that you observed at the zoo, Meredith? I didn't think so. Let's hear your duck variations. The memory of biting into an apple. Really taste it.

Yeah, I did it. I passed. Patton, what were your school struggles? What was tough for you? Girls. Math and science. And girls and clothing and people. I mean, it just, it was.

People. The thing that was a struggle for me in college was the fact that midway through college, I started getting work as a stand-up comedian. And I knew that that's kind of what I wanted to do. So a lot of the memories you're supposed to have at college where everyone was doing stuff on the weekends. I'm like, I'm going to go do a gig. I'm off to do a gig on the weekend. That's what I would do. I'd get in my car and go off and do gigs.

And so there was a struggle of I needed to finish college for my parents who really wanted me to finish college. But I think probably near a third of the way into junior year, I'm like, I'm happy to leave right now and just go do stand-up. This feels like a waste of time to me. But, I'm like, I'm happy to leave right now and just go do stand-up. This feels like a waste of time to me. But I couldn't because I didn't want to disappoint my parents. Yeah, you graduated. That makes sense. I graduated, yeah, barely. I took way too many credits in English and not

enough in math and science. And I had to appeal to the Board of Degrees, the Committee on Degrees. The Board of Degrees. To let me waive those. I had to appeal to the board of degrees, the committee on degrees. The board of degrees? To let me waive those. 98 degrees.

And I remember, yeah. I had to talk to 98 degrees. It was just the band 98 degrees. A very hunky board. Great abs. Great abs on that board. Yeah. And then I had to talk to the three degrees from Philadelphia.

Thank you. T-S-O-P. Thank you. Very old school. Gambling. Oh, and when will I see them again? Anyway, the luckily they let me. I remember one time I was talking to the advisor and he was like, hey, just stay next year.

All you got to do is take nine credits. It'll be the best year of your life. It'll be so easy. Nine? I was nine credits short. I was each. You were nine credits short? Yeah.

Because I took too many in English. I didn't take enough math and science. They're like, all these English credits don't count. Well, didn't you know that

as you were going along? Did you not plan accordingly? No, I didn't plan accordingly because I was too busy. I was consumed with stand-up. And then I did. And then at one point, the guy said,

he goes, just stay an extra year. And I was like, I have a job. And he goes, where are you working? And I'm like, well, I'm a comedian. And then he goes, the guy said, he goes, just stay an extra year. And I was like, I have a job. He goes, where are you working? I'm like, well, I'm a comedian. And then he goes, I don't think this college wants to be known for graduating comedians. I was like, fuck off, dude.

And then I really like, I went full bore appeal and they let me out. With nine credits left, they let you out? They let me graduate. What? That is not fair. Yeah, it is. Look, fuck me. I was too into English, and I took way too many.

I took a lot of English classes. I was, like, really into it. I was taking basically graduate courses. Yeah, but you have to have, it's a liberal arts college, dude. You have to have a well-rounded education. That's the point. I took geology and physics and all that shit. Who cares?

Well. And I still read Bill Bryson. Rocks care, Patton. Yeah, exactly. So trust me, I'm well-rounded. I know. Who cares about geology? Tell that to a fucking geode, dude.

That's a rock with crystals inside. Oh, I love geodes. Tell that to the gift shop at the Natural History Museum. Yeah. Yeah. Hello, this is Patton Oswalt. I don't like this stuff. Yeah.

Oh, fuck. How does this affect me? Jesus Christ. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Unless I'm Andy Dufresne trying to get out of Shawshank, I don't need to know about pressure and time and geology. This isn't geode.

Oh, wow. Meredith has produced a geode. There you go. I is a geode. Oh, wow. Meredith has produced a geode. There you go. I have more geodes. I can bring more geodes. Thank God. I'm in a room full of geodes at the moment. I'm just glad Brian did his pre-pro on this episode,

because we always say, Brian, find out if they have geodes. And he always fucks it up. Every time Brian fucks it up every time this time the walls are geode walls sorry Jordan I really resent the your college counselors suggestion to just like stay

another year and have an easy year because that is like the origin story of the weird college townie exactly I don't want i don't want to be that guy and also that's true he was like i want to work like i'm actually fired up by my career i want to get out in the world and work and his whole thing was like just stay here and fuck around i was like that's my way to live a life fuck that yeah

i'm not convinced i'll tell you why So between my three on the AP calculus test and my three on the AP physics test and my four on the AP US history test and AP English test, I think, like I had almost one semester's worth of credits when I was going into college. But I went to college with free tuition because my father was a disabled veteran. And I also got a little stipend from the college radio station when I became the news director and a stipend, a little stipend from the federal government because my father was a disabled veteran. So I was getting like five or six hundred bucks a month. I was netting five hundred dollars a month going to college. Wow. And it was it was gorgeous.

It was a beautiful setup. But I had to be a full time student in order to get those benefits because they all scaled according to my course load. Like if I was at halftime, I only got half the money and I needed it to pay my rent. So I had to finish all the semesters, but I had extra credits at the end. And it was actually Jordan who saved me because Jordan wrote a play his junior year, my senior year of college, that I had not done anything in the theater department in our college. And I auditioned for the play thinking that Jordan would give me, you know, just like a walk-on part. And I'm like, great, I'll get these credits. I'll get paid by the government. I'll continue to live on the dole. It's all a walk-on part. And I'm like, great. I'll get these credits. I'll get paid by the government. I'll continue to live on the dole.

It's all set up. But what happened was they had a draft, an actor draft. What? And Jordan got a late pick. He drew the short straw. Yeah, they fucked me. It was a snake draft. Oh, man.

And so Jordan successfully chose a beautiful classmate of ours named Adnan to be in his play. But then I think they just ran out of dudes. And so I ended up with a medium-big part in Jordan's play. And not only was it very hard, but I'm pretty sure I fucked up Jordan's play. No, Jesse, you didn't fuck it up. Adnan did a good job. Jesse, that play became Hamilton.

There you go. Good hamilton there you go good one there you go so yeah uh i wanted this is this this discussion is reminding me of something we were talking about uh before the recording started so meredith you were you were you were helping patten with the the tech side of his recording. Yes. And this is not meant to be a call-out, because I am a man who has constant struggles with technology, despite, and I think it frustrates people when I am frustrated with technology, because I present as such a nerd. And I think that when you present as a nerd and you have a hard time with things like technology and science and math, people are like, what's your fucking deal, nerd? And it's like, no, I'm not. There's different kinds of nerds.

I know about DC Comics crises. I don't know about this anyway. Star Wars, the Marvel Universe and DC. And yeah, Patton knows all that. Any book ever written, he can tell you about but other things this friend of mine broke down like there are subcategories of nerds that like other

there's literally a pecking order so that there are some strata of nerds that other strata make fun of like a friend of mine pointed out he goes I know that you know everyone thinks that oh Comic Con is full of nerds you have not seen nerds until you go to a silent movie festival and see like laurel and hardy nerds like that is a that's another level of nerddom that you

cannot even friggin imagine you know so yeah i don't know i don't know why I know this about Laurel and Hardy nerds. Um, but there, I mean, I'm going to say, I say, I don't know why I presume it's our friend Elliot Kalin's fault that I know this, but there are like clubs for watching silent movies together that aren't even

movie theater clubs. It's like guys who have home projection booths and like Super 8 projectors or whatever and film wheels and they all get together and they watch

three features together or whatever and they all jack off in a cup. Yeah. They leave their keys in a fishbowl when they get there. The movie's just playing in the background. That's

just there, and then it's all about the cup jack. Eek, eek, eek. I'm plugging my ears to those of you on... I'm a delicate flower. Be careful. But it really is like a specific type of nerd. The one that is the most interesting to me, I think, is like a Hollywood autograph nerd.

Oh, yeah. And that's kind of sad. autograph nerd oh yeah and that's kind of sad like when you when you go to things and they're there with their like they're like a backpack full of like photos and that's just their life and you're like oh man but in the old days when people were like can i get your autograph marilyn monroe you know you were standing next to her it was like proof that you stood next to her it's super exciting but now if anyone asks for your autograph it's like she's 40 bucks on ebay for that picture he He's 100 bucks. Let's get their autographs.

Nobody cares about you. They just are selling your autograph. Meredith, are there categories of nerds that are interested in specific parts of your acting career? Because you've been in all kinds of different stuff. But nerds don't like all different kinds of stuff. They like particular kinds of stuff. They've got niche, little niche. Well, I've done a lot of Star Wars animation stuff. And so they do have. I've got niche little niche well i i've done a lot of star wars

animation stuff and so they do have i've been to a few conventions so there's those star wars uh fans and then there are like the i've done a couple horror movies as well and then you go to those conventions they all dress differently there's different yeah every convention has a different style yeah the horror movie fans love tank tops like the men the men have those you're just describing our friend stewart well they have long they have tank tops that are very low so you can see all their hair under their arms and they're very hot and sweaty. And they sometimes have a hot wife and that hot wife is carrying a baby and that baby is drinking a can of Coke. And you're like, what is happening?

That is what the horror fans. Yeah, the Star Wars fans, they're're not like that they're dressed differently and I remember going to at the Egyptian theater they had a noir film festival that was put on by TCM a couple years ago and I went to that and remember thinking huh it's LA in July why does everyone here have an umbrella everyone Everyone here brought in an umbrella. For the heat? No, I think that's just because they carry it around. It's like their thing.

Like up or like holding it like a cane? No, they just had it. Yeah, kind of twirling it. I think you'll find that the Noir fans, they always have an umbrella and they always have a set of Venetian blinds. Okay, for lighting. They just gotta put it there so the lights can shine through. Yeah, for lighting.

I've been to many a film noir festival and there's a lot of people that like to dress in the vintage 1940s clothes, especially when you see the couple where the guy and the girl are really duded up and like dressing for the movie, you know. Oh, I love that i would i would do that i see those people at the uh rose bowl flea market the rose bowl is the biggest flea market

in la and it's mostly like the most distinctive part of it is a huge vintage clothing section so people come from lots of people come from japan once a month filled fill a giant duffel bag, bring it back to Japan, that kind of thing. And there are folks who are into 1940s and 1950s clothes. Those are two different groups of people, I want to be very clear. Deco people and rockabilly people, and never the twain shall meet. Oh, yeah. shall meet oh yeah but uh you see those couples and what's great about it to me is you don't ever see you don't ever see like with rockabilly maybe once in a while but you almost never see like two 25 year olds together dressed like that these are people who picked this up in 1995 and they're just in it forever this is just their thing and they're just in it forever.

This is just their thing. And they're just getting older and older. Like now they're 55 years old, but they're just, they're just fitted tip to toe. And I, and at the Rose Bowl flea market, this is Sunday morning at 8.15. And that is the part that blows my mind is the Sunday morning at 8.15. It's not that they that blows my mind, is the Sunday morning at 8.15. It's not that they're getting suited and booted to go out. It is the fact that they are dressed. This woman was like, you know,

drawing nylon lines on her calf at 6.10 in the morning. You know what I mean? Yeah. Meredith, what horror movies have you been in oh i've done some horrible horror movies um well one that i don't know if i don't even know if you would call it a horror movie but lake placid was a thriller with the croc with a huge crocodile oh yeah sure me and eddie white and oliver platt and Bill Pullman and Bridget Fonda. And so that was one.

Then I did one called The Kiss, which was it starred me and Joanna Pakula. And actually, the guy who played my boyfriend in that is Sean was Sean Levy, the guy who now runs the show Stranger Things. And that was about this aunt from somewhere like Romania or something like that. And she has like this serpent snake. It was called the host. Wait, no. Originally it was called the host.

And it's like this. Wait, is it an aunt? A N T or an aunt? A U N T. An aunt. Who's got the snake. Got it.

Okay. And then, oh, I did village of the dam, John Carpenter, John Carpenter's village of the dam with Mark Hamill and Christopher Reeve and Kirstie Alley. That was a good horror movie, I suppose. And what other ones, honey?

I'm sure there are more. That's an amazing, look, Oliver Platt, all the people in Lake Placid, Bill Pullman, it's all wonderful. That's a fun movie. But this lineup of actors in this John Carpenter movie is astonishing. What an incredible, like every single one of those people. Yeah, Superman and Luke Skywalker. Every single one of those people so good. Like, I'm, it's

just an interesting combo. Yeah. And then I did a horror movie called, I was about to say Arachnophobia. It's not Arachnophobia. It's, oh,nophobia. Oh, it's Bug Buster. And instead of John Goodman as the guy, it was Randy Quaid. So there. Yeah.

So I've done a bunch. I'm sure there's more. Randy Quaid. What's he up to? You don't see Randy Quaid. What's he up to? Hang on, guys. Let me check his Twitter.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Wow. Wow. I think Randy Quaid's Twitter is one of those where you go to that one, then you go to Kirstie Alley's Twitter, just to take it down a few notches. So, yeah.

Would you want a couple years ago as part of a series of horror movies? Oh, it was those Blumhouse films. Yeah. It was called Flesh and Blood with Dermot. Nope. Dylan McDermott. Nope. Dylan Mulroney.

The classic goof. The classic conundrum. Dermot. Dermot Mulroney played my husband. Have you gotten murdered in any florid ways in any of these films? I have never been murdered. I have murdered. Congratulations.

I stabbed someone in the neck with a pair of scissors. I stabbed someone through the stomach with hedge trimmers. I shot someone between the eyes. And I've killed myself twice. I jumped off a cliff in Hawaii and I put a gun in my mouth and shot myself. off the cliff in Hawaii and I put a gun in my mouth and shot myself. So, yeah. When you jumped off the cliff in Hawaii, was it because you believed that you knew how to use a hang glider like Father Yod from the Source family?

No, it was a dystopian future where everybody was depressed and the government was implanting like Prozac into your body so that you didn't, so you could survive and like work in this world. into your body so that you didn't so you could survive and like work in this world and um and then i scooped my thing out and realized life sucks man and then i jumped off a cliff but i was wearing a gorgeous dress uh fabulous you looked great come on pat have you have you killed or been killed in things before? Oh, God, I've been killed so many times. My God, I can't.

They even made a. Oh, wait. I also died. Sorry, I also died. Oh, go ahead. Sorry, baby. I just also died. Go ahead.

The bloodiest death on Grey's Anatomy. Okay, go ahead, honey. Okay, yes. I've been killed and tortured and beaten up so much that one time I was on Conan and they made a quick montage of all the times I've been killed and beaten up in TV and movies. And it was a lot.

Wow. Like I've been, I have had my ass kicked and been killed a lot. That's funny. I've never been killed. I've killed a lot and you've been killed a lot. We're a perfect couple. Yeah, I don't know that I've ever really, I don't think I've ever a lot and you've been killed a lot. We're a perfect couple. Yeah. I don't know that I've ever really,

I don't think I've ever killed anybody. Well, I did. I killed one person really, really in a long and bloody protracted way on a show called justified. And that was after sustaining a very long beating. Oh, I saw that.

Yeah. Yeah. One of those kinds of things. So, yeah. Do you have a, do you have a favorite, do you have a favorite ass kicking? Yeah. What's your favorite? My favorite ass kicking. Yeah. Yeah, one of those kind of things. So, yeah. Do you have a favorite? Do you have a favorite ass kicking?

Yeah, what's your favorite ass kicking? My favorite ass kicking. My favorite ass kicking. Yeah, the justified one was so well done because we had this incredible stunt coordinator who really knew how to make it look real. I mean, I did most of my stunts on that one, and it just looks like it's really happening. It's just so – I just appreciate how well filmed it is. happening it's just so i just i'm i just appreciate how well filmed it is um and then the probably the god i mean there's so many deaths probably my um most fun death was in the reno 9-1-1 uh movie where i get blown up by a missile that was really fun yeah that was really fun yeah yeah

that's funny it's fun being an actor sometimes when you get to do crazy things. I was doing a show, and I remember after work, I called my mom. She was like, how was work today? I was like, it was amazing. I was beaten, and I died in the snow. And she's like, oh, honey, I'm so happy for you. That sounds amazing. I wish I could die in the snow.

So tired of falling in lakes. I wish I could die in the snow. So tired of falling in lakes. There's a movie called Volcano with Tommy Lee Jones. But a volcano in L.A. that came out in the 90s, which is really silly. There was a trend of volcano movies. Maybe the kids don't know. We had a lot of volcanoes. Well, we had that and Dante's Peak in the same summer.

And there's this one actor. He's a character actor who's been in everything. He's been in Fargo. And he, at one point, there's lava down in the same summer. Right. And there's this one actor, he's a character actor, he's been in everything, he's been in Fargo, and he, at one point, there's lava down in the subway system, so he's on a subway train, he's the conductor, he picks up a baby,

he jumps in the lava, and then as the lava starts to burn him alive and kill him, he throws the baby to the EMTs and saves its life, and then the lava like burns him. And my friend was like, man, that was really upsetting. Like watching that, I know that was not cool.

And I was like, that actor had the best day of his life. He's like, I get to, I save a baby. And then I have this insane death scene where I'm sacrificing myself in lava. Like it was, it was so hard for me to be upset by that. Cause I know that actor and i've met him since then he was doing cartwheels when he got the script like yes this is gonna be great like he was so happy so i kind of when you when i hear you describe that like it sounds good in the script it looks good on screen but my concern is that it would be like

when you have a ceiling lamp and you can't see where the light socket is. And so you're trying to get the bulb into the light socket, but you keep missing the light socket and you're trying to twist it into the light socket. And you just, your arms hurt so bad from trying to keep them over your head to get that bulb into it. It would be like that, but with lava and a baby. Holding anything above your head to get that bulb into it would be like that but with lava and a baby holding anything above your head for a long time is hard it sucks that's when you watch the scene this was uh in the mid 90s during there's this great period i wish someone would do a documentary or a book about it post jurassic park up until the matrix cgi movies was so frigging bad and so the scene of him dissolving in the

lava is done so now like you can't not laugh at it it's so badly done it was like the height of what they could do and i think even the baby was cgi it's so badly done that he must look at that and just laugh his ass off yeah yeah i mean eight years earlier they would have done it with practical i mean just brought in some real lava and right in the 90s they thought they could do everything with computers yeah it's straight it's like jurassic park still looks great but it's like okay all the dinosaurs are in the dark they're in the rain there are probably a combined total of four and a half minutes of them in the whole movie but yeah it's mostly newman yeah it's mostly newman yeah it's like people like the people who made the relic saw that and

they're like all right cgi is here i saw oh my god i saw the relic and turbulence on the same night i saw turbulence the galaxy and then walked down the street and saw the relic at the chinese theater two back-to-back like oh good lord and it was back to back like the turbulence was it's lauren holly's time to be a star nope and then um the relic was it's time for tom size but nope it was just like oh man so amazing i will always remember the relic not for tom sizemore's performance but for for the perfect fictional conceit that there is a monster in a museum that their food source is the human spinal cord, so they

have to, so every kill has to be a decapitation. It just has to be because that's what the monster eats. It needs that spine juice. Spine juice. Beautiful spine juice. Hot. Hey, Jordan, I have a question. Please. I was just going to say, Jesse has his own podcast.

We were on his podcast, and I was just wondering, do you also have your own? Are you guys like, is this, I'm just curious. How many do you have? Do you each have like 100? Well, Jordan created a smash hit fiction podcast, the graphic novel of which is now available in stores. Oh, what's it called? Thank you, Jesse. it is called bubble and yes that was my only other podcast was being like involved in the creation of that but no i'm you know for the most part uh you know i had a i had a hot a hot fling

with that but i'm i'm a one podcast kind of guy and i know jesse podcast guy and jesse are you like a 30 podcast guy what's up yeah i'm to three, but I've been known to dabble. Wow, three's a lot. I've been trying to get off the ground this show that our CEO keeps telling me is a bad idea, both because I can barely do the work that I'm already committed to and because it's a bad idea, to and because it's a bad idea um which is an antiques roadshow recap podcast um and i don't know if the podcast recap audience and the antiques roadshow audience are coincidental but i do feel like with the right co-host and the right formatting that antiques shit show could really take off jordan he's asking you on camera,

will you be my co-host? I think is what he's trying to say. You know, I, listen, I do, I do like the, you know, I like the, I like the road show. I'll tune in from time to time, but I don't think I'm the right man for the job. I'm a one podcast guy, and I just kind of look the other way

when Jesse goes out there catting around yeah but jordan right now meredith is just a girl standing in front of a podcast host asking if he will co-host well fine then me and pat will have a podcast where we just talk about tom sizemore you can have um well hey should we, should we all take a break and have a little spine juice? Yeah, let's take a break. Take a sip of spine juice.

I know a good place. I know a really good place for spine juice that just got its first Michelin star. Wow. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse go. It's Jordan, Jesse go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Uh, Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Now, let me tell you this, Jordan, every single week we do this program. You know who brings this program to our listeners? Who? A lot of people think it's Brian Fernandez. Some people think it's Valerie Moffat. You know, some people think it's Steve Jobs, through the magic of the internet. Right. Thank you, Steve. But it's our listeners. Our listeners bring the show to you, our listeners, all the members of Maximum Fun who've gone to MaximumFun.org slash join, a tip of the cap to them.

Also this week, our friends at Magic Spoon. Now I've told you this, Jordan. You know what I ate for breakfast today? Is it delicious Magic Spoon cereal? Poached eggs. No, yes, it was Magic Spoon cereal? Poached eggs. No, yes, it was Magic Spoon cereal. And we got, at the beginning of having a new advertiser so we can talk about the thing,

often they will send us a sample of their thing. This was not that. This was Magic Spoon that I paid for with my own money because I really like Magic Spoon. Yes. I like it so much. There's a special phenomenon that happens in the podcasting world. It's when it's that special moment, that moment when you use your own promo code because you like a product so much, you use your own promo code because you

want a discount on that sweet, sweet product. Yeah. Except for that my wife did the first order. I don't think she used our promo code i think she used a different promo code she probably used a promo code from fucking pod save america or something like that well listen offset offset the harm that jesse's wife are always doing those plugs for magic spoon here's what magic spoon is. It is a healthy breakfast that is not boring. It's cereal. They got amazing flavors. You love without all the bad stuff.

Zero grams of sugar, 13 to 14 grams of protein, 140 calories, and only four net grams of carbs in each serving. Gluten-free, grain-free, soy-free, low-carb, and GMO-free. There is no grains in this. So I do not know how they make it. I mean, I know it's round. It's tubular, you know, so there's an extruder involved. I know they're extruding this. I don't know how they make it. But what's amazing about it is it is not only crunchy in milk, it stays crunchy in milk. It's tasty as heck. My favorite is the peanut butter. And you're getting a lot of,

I mean, 13 or 14 grams of protein is like protein food level of protein. Like that is serious protein. And for me, what that means is if I have a bowl of cereal in the morning, I'm not like angry and trying to figure out why an hour and a half later. And it's like, oh, it's because I just ate a bowl of corn for breakfast and the sugar has coursed through my body and left it. Like the protein helps it stick to your ribs and keep you strong all morning long. And it tastes good as heck. I really like this stuff.

Yeah, tons of great flavors. Cocoa, fruity, frosted, peanut butter, blueberry, and cinnamon. Really, really tasty stuff. I love it. Jesse loves it. And hey, if you're going to buy the stuff, we got a promo code for you. Don't use that choppo code, please. No, no. I know. Look, everybody wants to go to magicspoon.com slash control the means of production. But use our code. Go to magicspoon.com slash JJGO to grab your delicious cereal and try it today. And be sure to use our promo code JJGO at checkout to save $5 off your order. And Magic Spoon is so confident in their product, it is backed with a 100% happiness guarantee. I'd love to see Chapo Trap House. Try that.

Magicspoon.com slash JJ Go. Promo code JJ Go to save $5 off. Thank you, Magic Spoon, for sponsoring this episode. We're also brought to you this week by BetterHelp. Now, Jordan, you and I have often talked on Jordan, Jesse Go about what therapy has meant to our lives. I think for both of us, it has been very important. I know, you know, you've worked through a lot of family issues with your therapist.

For me and my therapist, you know, just last week, my therapist said she heard Mike Mitchell on Comedy Bang Bang and he seemed like a really good man um so we both have gotten a lot from therapy is my point here he's a good man both have gotten a lot from I mean he is he's a good man Mike Mitchell uh yeah so if if if you are uh having problems in your life if you're feeling down and out depressed if you're at a total loss if you have high stress if you could uh if you just need to unload yeah you just want some support you're like i don't i don't think what i want to say is if you're thinking about therapy and you're not sure if you're sick enough fuck that you can get support from therapy whether or not you have a diagnosable mental illness or whatever. There's no standard. Therapy can help you process what's going on in your life.

And it is immensely valuable for this reason. What's nice about BetterHelp is it's an easy way to access that. Not everybody wants to go into an office. Not everybody has the opportunity to go into an office. Not everybody can afford to pay for in-person therapy. It better help is a good bit cheaper than most. This is a great way to access therapy if other ways to access therapy don't work for you. Yeah, it is customized online therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions with your therapist. And it's more affordable than in-person therapy.

And see if it's for you. I think, like Jesse said, it's really great for a variety of different life scenarios. If you're having a tough time, it's great, but also if you're just going through life and things aren't particularly bad, but you just want to talk stuff out, it's really awesome. We do it regularly. We really think you should consider doing it regularly, too. And BetterHelp is a great way to do it. Jordan, can I give you an example of the kind of life situation you might get some support from? Please. Absolutely. So you head out on your boat, and you think you're just going to

do some whale science. But then your boat... Yeah, I think we've all been through this. Your boat crashes and you're like, well, here I am with young Ben Affleck on a deserted island, this grumpy old man and a deaf lady. And you're saying to yourself, how am I going to get water? Okay, dial up BetterHelp. They're going to tell you the deaf woman knows how to use a tarpaulin to gather condensation. So, yes, if you find yourself in a Voyage of the Mimi situation, betterhelp.com slash jjgo.

Oh, is that a—I had no idea that was—is that similar to the public television educational program The Voyage of the Mimi from the late 1980s? It is. It's shockingly similar. Shockingly similar. Well, coincidental. Parallel thought. BetterHelp. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp, and Jordan, Jesse, Go! listeners get 10% off at BETTERHELP.com slash JJ Go. We'll be back

in just a second on, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Meredith, that was your cue, Meredith. We just talked about this, Meredith. Oh, Lord. Oh, I didn't know how you guys were doing this. Hey, it's Meredith Pinky Pot Pie. How about that?

Yeah, it's fucking great. You just saved it. You just saved it big time. Bad news for you, Patton. You follow that, baby. It's Patton Potty Pink Oswald. You did it. Yeah, well, fair enough. Thank you. How'd we both get pink, baby? Patton's suffering from internal bleeding. Yes, thank you. That's what's going on there.

Or he just ate a lot of beets and forgot. Those are the two possibilities for that scenario. You two are brand new podcasters. You guys are talking about starting podcasts with us. We're 75 years into podcasting, and you two just started podcasting. We're like brand new babies on the scene. Bringing some fresh, fresh meat to the audiences out there in listening land.

Hey everybody, this is new. It's exciting. Look, it's a couple that laughs and makes fun of each other. It's just some guys sitting around a table talking about geek culture. There you go. Yep.

We have a new podcast. It's called Did You Get My Text? Because all we ever do is text each other all day long, even if he's in the next room. In fact, ooh, I just heard a little boy. Yeah, that was my youngest child, Frankie, yelling for my middle child, Oscar. Oh, he's yelling for you? No, Frankie hates me. Frankie's big catchphrase is,

Daddy, you're tupid. Oh, no. You're tupid. Daddy, you're tupid. Jesse, tupid is Navi for beautiful. Did you not know that? I should explain that my children are Navi, the blue people from the movie Avatar.

You may remember the movie Avatar. It's the one you went to that gave you a headache halfway through. Like 17 years ago, and they're going to come out with a sequel anytime soon. Is there like four on the way or something? Yeah, so the idea is James Cameron, given the success of the first Avatar movie, James Cameron decided to breed real-life Na'vi. Now, my kids are currently four, seven, and nine. So in about 10 years, they'll be big enough for the screen.

Nice. And then James Cameron is going to be releasing 17 consecutive Avatar sequels. Good God. Most of them are going to be in the deep sea. Have you two learned anything about podcasting in your four episodes? Help us! Help us!

Help you? You're their veterans. Don't come to the newbies. I mean, we're still working on the basics of getting him to put his earphones in and to make sure that. And what's the other thing? Turn off your fan. And what's the other thing? Turn on your recording device.

And what else? So many goddamn beans before the show. Don't crinkle paper in the background. Don't chew into the mic. You know, your basic stuff. That kind of stuff. I'm working on it. I'm working on the meat and potatoes, damn it. Yeah. Patton usually

just bangs his Grammy against the microphone. Larry Mullen says hello. Bang, bang, bang. Hi, Larry. No, we're just, uh, yeah. That was incredible, Larry Mullen's impression. Yeah, sounded spooky. Wow, is he in the room?

Patton, can we talk to Larry? Is Larry there? Can we talk to him? Hang on one second. I'm not going to do that classic thing that every hack comedian did in the 80s. What if Jack Nicholson was a produce clerk? It's me, Kirk Hammett from Metallica. Okay.

Cam it from Metallica. Okay, on Jordan, Jesse, go. We ask you to call in to some of our favorite long-running segments on the program. I'm not going to list them all here. There's too many ideas that we have thought of through hard work and careful attention to the formatting of this program. All we ask when you call us is just let us know which segment you're calling into at the beginning. Here's someone who's calling into one. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and possible guest,

I'm going to say Carl Tart. Close. This is Casey from Seattle, and I'm calling in for your recurring segment, PFAL Victims Support Group. I was reminded to call in by a recent episode, and that was a really troubling time. I used to work at a McDonald's in rural Missouri, and there was this farm on the way to work that had a peacock on it that loved to get out in the

road and just stand there. And it was one lane, one of those one lane country roads, and there were divots on both sides. So I couldn't drive around. You had to get out and shoot all the time. I was late to work quite a few times. Uh, but there was one really specific one that sticks in my head to this day. Uh, I, you know, the birds there, I get out of the car, try to shoot it off. And, uh, it jumped onto the roof of my 97 Saturn SL2, dropped a massive deuce, and just ran back off into the woods like some kind of shit-spitting dryad. And I had to drive to work after being completely dumbfounded by this. after being completely dumbfounded by this. Let it sit on my car, and then I couldn't wash it until I got back home, and it permanently stained the paint on this already trashy-looking car,

admittedly. But I just wanted to get it off my chest. All right, thanks, guys. Appreciate the show. I hate to admit this in this company. I don't know what a dryad is. So, Meredith, could you explain that to me? What is a dryad, Meredith?

What is a dryad? I'm assuming it's some sort of bird that looks like a peacock. It's a female wood spirit, I thought. It's a tree nymph. Patton looks really worried. Yes, tree n thought. It's a tree nymph. Patton looks really worried. Yes, tree nymph. It's a tree nymph. Patton's like, Jesus Christ, is it a bird that looks like a peacock?

Fuck, fuck, fuck. It's a nature spirit who lives in the trees and takes the form of a beautiful young woman. Oh. Dryads were the spirit of the oak trees. But the name was later applied to all tree nymphs. Thank you. Okay, because I had... So basically, it's a hot Lorax. I mean, I think the regular Lorax is pretty hot.

Are you saying there's a hotter Lorax? Yeah, that's kind of judgy, Patton. Right. This is a hot Lorax.ax oh I love the Lorax a hot Lorax honey you're funny thank you Valerie like that Patton are you do you just sit around do you sit around the dinner table all day making jokes and then your wife Meredith says to you, oh, honey, you're funny. Oh, there is, well, that would be nice.

It's more like, oh God, because I will get on these rolls. Sometimes it's, oh God, sometimes it's eye rolls and sometimes it's like, okay, stop. All right, okay, that was funny, now stop. Stop now. And then he'll just keep punning it up. You say one thing and and then i say you're so clever okay now stop and then i'm like seriously if you don't stop

i'm divorcing you so stop now she literally makes it sound like she's an abused like okay you're so clever just stop please you're really clever please stop no it's when you do a voice that i can't stand i'm like stop right now, really, really like the puns I can handle. Like I'm joking around, like shut the fuck up. But when you do a voice that is so unappealing to me, I, I,

I will leave you. I can't, I will fall less in love with you. I know it. Just stop. Stop it. Even when he does one of his famous rock and rolling. It's me,

John Frusciante. No. Yeah. Yeah. That sounds just like John Frusciante. No. Yeah, that sounds just like John Frusciante. Yeah. Oh, my God. Thank you. That was spot on, Jordan. God, you're talented.

You know, a couple weeks to get in character, really just get into his head. You did it. Wow. That was good, man. Was he a consultant on the podcast? He was one. Yeah. I think.

John Frusciante? We did, yeah. We like to bring in a lot of consultants. It's really fun. It makes us feel like big shots, too. Yeah. Yeah. That's actually how we first met Dennis Farina.

He was just a Chicago police officer. I love him. And he came into our podcast as a consultant. I love Dennis Farina so much. I love him. He's in one of my all-time favorite movies. Obviously, Midnight Run. He really was a Chicago police officer. He really was

a beat cop before he got into acting. And he consulted on films and people said, because his look is amazing. And his voice. He's one of those people you could just put up an 8x10 of them on your wall and gaze at it. Right. I think he's amazing. Just learn new things every time i could i think my attitude would

change constantly if i just had him to check just to check like just check in okay stop what you're doing your behavior is hideous just look over there you're right i get it i'll shut up now i think if i had a picture of dennis farina i'd be a better person. Don't you, honey? Can I make a suggestion, Meredith? You're turning this on yourself and your own behavior. Yeah. Maybe you get yourself an 8x10 or maybe even a poster print of Dennis Farina. You put that in the family dining room. Whenever Patton's doing a voice, you just gesture towards it.

You just look at the stash. Take a look at Dennis. Yeah. Look at that gorgeous head of hair on Dennis Farina. Does Dennis look happy right now? Does he look happy? No. Because he's always scowling.

Yeah. I don't know. I think in that moment, you guys, I don't think Dennis would be on my side in those situations. What? I would be like, look, Patton. And Dennis would be like, Meredith, stop criticizing him. And I think I would still lose. So you think Dennis would be supportive. I think Dennis would be like, look, Patton. And Dennis would be like, Meredith, stop criticizing him. And I think I would still lose. So you think Dennis would be supportive?

I think Dennis would be supportive of Patton. You think Farina would? Yep. He might say, shut up, go get a cream soda or stick an eye in your eye or something like that. Give me some sport peppers. Sydney, have a sandwich, drink a glass of milk, do some fucking thing. Do some fucking thing. Do some fucking thing.

Drink a glass of milk. Do some fucking thing. Do some fucking thing. Do some fucking thing. I know I think we all can agree that Dennis Farina is hot, but who's the most fuckable Dr. Seuss character? Let's get into it. We all know. That's a good question.

My God. I mean, kind of the Grinch. Oh. Yeah, the Grinch is pretty hot. If you like bad boys. You know those super guns with all the nozzles from the Butter Battle Book? I'd stick my dick in one of those. Oh, my God.

Just see what happens. I mean, this could be a personal preference thing, but Horton's thick. Yeah. But he's too sweet. He's too sweet. I like him thick and sweet sweet I like him thick and sweet I like him thick and sweet Then you might love Patton

If you like thick and sweet you might love Patton That's how you find me When you category shop on Tinder Thick and sweet The old thick and sweet Can I ask you guys A follow up question to Jordan's question Red fish or bluefish?

One fish, two fish. I'll take the two fish if you know what I mean. Thank you. Anyway, Brian, delete this episode. Thank you. By the way, this isn't any kind of plug, but next Friday at the Arrow Theater, they're showing a double feature of midnight run and beverly hills cop and in between paul thomas anderson's going to talk to director martin breast

about midnight run which is apparently like one of thomas anderson's favorite films i love paul thomas anderson i have watched both of those movies in the last three months and uh the reason people like those movies is because they fucking own. So good. Those movies are both so fucking good. Midnight Run is my favorite movie of all time. That's my number one. What is my favorite movie?

It's Midnight Run. It's a fantastic choice. You could hardly do better for a favorite movie of all time. Oh, yeah. Amazing. Let's take one more call, Brian. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, Sunny D, and guests. This is Owen calling for your favorite best segment, Water Bottle Thief.

I was on the boardwalk in Seaside, Oregon, with my brother. And we sat on a nice bench and looked out on the sea, and then we walked away, and I had left my water bottle on the bench and realized this just a short walk away. When I realized, I jogged back, and as I approached the bench, I saw a man hop off of his bicycle on this little boardwalk bike path, And he started walking towards the bench too. I beat him there by about 10 feet and grabbed my water bottle. And right as I did, he said, ah, dang it. I didn't really know what to do.

So I just smiled and said hi and walked away. And as I did, he hopped back on his bike. And as he passed me, he said, well, I'm glad I'm not the only one. Anyway, love you guys. Love the show. Bye-bye. Oh, man.

My heart is broken. That's so sad. He needed a water bottle. Have you guys seen how they dress at Water Bottle Thief Cons, though? Because he is not the only one. Right. He's not the only one.

Oh, I feel so sad for that guy. Yeah. Which guy? The guy who had to box out a water bottle thief? That's who I feel sad for. I feel sad for the water bottle thief guy. He needed a water bottle. Yeah.

Have you been to America's inner cities in 2021 people are stealing water bottles from each other left and right that's joe biden's america he's water inner city water bottle thieves i mean you know he had a poland springs he had a fiji he just needed a dasani for water bottle bingo almost Almost. He was almost there. 206-984-4FUN or jjgoe at MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Since the dawn of time, screenwriters have taken months to craft their stories.

But now, three Hollywood professionals shall attempt the impossible. dawn of time screenwriters have taken months to craft their stories but now three hollywood professionals shall attempt the impossible break a story in one hour that's right here on story break i freddie wong matt arnold and will campos the creators behind award-winning shows like video game high school have one hour to turn a humble idea into an awesome movie now an awesome movie starts with an awesome title i chose chose The Billionaire's Marriage Valley. Mine was Christmas Pregnant Paradise. Okay, next we need a protagonist. So I've heard Wario best described as libertarian, Mario. And of course, every great movie needs a stellar pitch. In order to get to heaven, sometimes you got to raise a little hell. Oh, that's the tagline! Check out Story Break every week on MaximumFun.org

or wherever you get your podcasts. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Hey, I'm Jordan Morris, creator of the MaxFun scripted sci-fi comedy podcast, Bubble. We just released a special episode of Bubble to celebrate the launch of our new graphic novel. At SF Sketch Fest in 2019, we recorded a live show with Allison Becker, Eliza Skinner, Mike Mitchell, Cristela Alonso, and special guests Jean Grey, Jonathan Colton, Jesse Thorne, Nick Weiger,

and a bunch of other cool folks. We suspect he'll show signs of mutation when in a state of excitement. Now, Annie matched with him on Tinder, so she's going to act as the honeypot. I do enjoy being called a honeypot. Hey, you know what's better than honey? Gravy. Oh yeah, can I be the gravy sack? Out now on MaximumFun.org and wherever you get podcasts. And pick up the graphic novel at your local bookstore today. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hi, I'm the lovely and talented Meredith Salinger, but you can call me Pinkie Pot Pie. Yeah. Thank you. Stuck the landing. And Patton Oswalt? Hi, I'm Patton Oswalt, but

you can call me Meaty Mince Pie. About that. Oh! Wow. We're doing a whole Demon Barber of Fleet Street thing here. A little Meaty, Angles. Patton, what would Dennis think?

Take a look at Farina. Hey, Patton, great voice. I love it. I love the voice, Patton. It's me, Dennis Farina. Hey, it's me, Dennis Farina. From the Chicago Police Department. I have to tell you, I have been, my son Oscar is really, really into Batman, which I'm perfectly fine with.

I've never been a super Batman dude, but I like Batman as much as the next guy. I'm glad Oscar has this interest and we have been reading these batman comics uh that our friend glenn weldon recommended to me recent recent guest on the show glenn weldon batman expert and um a lot of them are like from the 40s and 50s where batman does not fight super villains he fights faceless thugs he just fights a lot of uh he fights a lot of just gangsters guys in suits yeah guys in suits and like fedoras yeah and like by the later ones in the 50s uh he tends to chase them across a giant globe in a science museum or like through an alternate dimension or something uh but it remains that like many of the bad guys are just generic guys in suits and um i have to say like i'm reading these out loud with my son oscar there is just nothing better than making strong choices

at old-timey gangster voices like just each guy has his own ridiculous old timey gangster voice. It is the pleasure of my life right now to just be like, Hey, there goes Batman over there. Oh my God. I love that. You know, like every single guy.

Oh, what a, what a joy and a delight it is. Jesse, that sounds really stupid. Na'vi, you're beautiful. Oh my god.

Jordan. Patton and Meredith, as we mentioned earlier, you guys have a podcast together. What's the name of the podcast? Where can people find it? Did You Get My Text? That's the name. Is the name of the podcast. Yes. And they can find it wherever they get their podcasts.

It's everywhere. Starburns audio or you know all of the places people get podcasts now this is like is this is sort of like uh i'm not super familiar with podcasts this is like uh serial kind of thing yes it's about a murder and i discover the the premise of the podcast is I discover a dead body and I keep texting him like help me there's a murder out there and he doesn't ever come to save me and I'm like finally he comes and I'm like did you get my fucking text?

But we didn't want to say that in the title so it's just did you get my text? Look you make it sound fun that's what hooks the people in then they get into the intrigue. it's a murder podcast but this is the premise of this show and we murder sadness and boredom that's there you go boom stab it right in its fucking face we kill we kill we're so funny it's a murder podcast hey did you kill? I killed. Hey, did you kill? I killed. Thanks, Pat.

While we're plugging Oswalt-Salinger joint collabos. Sorry, excuse me, Jordan. It's Salinger-Oswalt. Go ahead. Oh, okay. Yep. Yes, Salinger-Oswalt. Guys, please, I don't want to sleep on the couch again. Just Salinger-Oswalt.

Yeah, as you plug that. I mean, if you sleep on the couch, Dennis Farina watches you when you're sleeping. I hope you're having sweet dreams down there. I'll keep the nightmares awake, kid. Who's throwing sport peppers at me? I have been watching the Hulu television show, MODOK.

Best animated show of all time ever. It is so insanely funny. Sorry, Simpsons. Sorry, family guys. Out of the way. It's the hardest I've laughed at TV in a long time. People should watch it. Damn. Thank you. This is Jordan explaining to me, who is MODOK? By the way. It's the hardest I've laughed at TV in a long time. People should watch it.

Damn. Thank you. This is Jordan. Explain to me. Who is MODOK? He is, of course, a mental organism designed only for killing. He is a deep cut Marvel Comics character who Patton voices in the show. Meredith does a bunch of hilarious voices of other deep cut Marvel characters, including Madam Mask.

That's right, baby. It is. Yes. It's about. That's not how she talks, by the Mask. That's right baby. It is. Yes. It's about. That's not how she talks by the way. She's sexy but go on. She's like yeah that's right baby. It's me Madam Mask. Hi. Hello. It's about MODOK doing heists and trying

to reconcile with his wife who he's separated from. It's a family. It's his home family life while he's also being a villain out there and destroying the world. Right, it's important to do both. Yeah, I mean, they do have real lives.

These people don't just, you know, not exist once you don't see them killing someone. Patton, do you have to ask, do you have to ask permission for each marginal character that you bring into the universe of the television show or do you have a blanket uh go ahead that's a great question that is a really good question and we had some very weird moments where we just went ahead and wrote the scripts we wanted to write first

and then saw what they would approve and we ended up um getting approval for some pretty big uh characters that we didn't think they would let us use. They let us use Iron Man. They let us use Mr. Sinister from the X-Men, for God's sakes. Madam Mask is not a minor Marvel character. She's a major Iron Man villain that I assume is going to be a big bad down the road in some of those movies. They're doing a spinoff with me, with my own show, live action. Go on.

They would let us use some pretty huge characters. And then there were these insanely obscure characters that were like, well, don't let us have this. And they wouldn't let us have them. The two that really stuck out for something called, there's a guy called Stilt Man, who is exactly what he sounds like. He has these legs legs like mechanical legs he can make grow really big and i guess he like use them to go up buildings and rob stuff it's the dumbest character ever but with still man they're just like sorry we licensed that to whammo

i it's the they're like you can't use them we're like i'm sorry what yeah like you can't use them one more time we can't who can't we use um We're like, I'm sorry, what? Like, you can't use them. It's like Sony and Spider-Man. Who can't we use? So that was insane. And then there was another character named Turner D. Century. Turner D. Century. And he's a guy who dresses like he's

always living in the 1920s. And he wants everything to be in the 1920s. And he's somehow a criminal. And it's the dumbest. And they were like, no, you can't have him. We're like, I'm sorry, what? Like it made no sense. Why?

And although it did make us sit around going, what do they have planned for Turner? Did Joaquin Phoenix say he would play him in a movie instead of keeping him? Idris Elba is going to be Stiltman. We have Idris Elba tapped to play Stiltman in Thor 5. It was very, very weird. So yeah, that has always mystified me. I don't know what is going on. I actually met Turner DeCentury once. Oh, for the, yeah, we're in Silver Lake. Out at the Rose Bowl flea market. for the yeah we're in silver lake out at the out at the rose bowl flea market my first apartment i furnished with all of the stuff from the rose bowl in fact we still have things in this house that i from my first apartment from the rose bowl flea market

wow you did a whole house nothing but air plants just air plants the plants that you have to water with a mister. I got my first teapot from there. Oh, wow. That's a big moment in anyone's life. My first teapot. You're getting your first teapot. My first teapot. Driver's license. My first teapot.

That was my favorite Judy Blume book, My First Teapot. It introduced me to, you know, buying and drinking tea, which was something that we did not talk about in the 80s with teenagers. And luckily, Judy Blume wrote that book, My First Teapot. And then there's, are you there, God? It's me, the toaster. interested in the idea of live television lately because it was completely foreign to her experience. She got kind of obsessed with it and started watching YouTube videos that are home

that are recordings off of VHS of Saturday morning cartoons from 1992 or 1989, 1988. Like recording the TV playing the old cartoon? Yes, like someone recording it on VHS.

You can also get all the commercials. All the commercials and everything. And the two lessons that I have taken from watching a couple of these are, number one, there's no way that my brain was not destroyed by the children's television of the late 1980s and early 1990s. Oh, God, it was so bad. Because it is truly horrible. It's atrocious. And it was, I almost want to give them credit, although I don't, because it's horrible.

They were really just openly advertisements for toys. And they did not, they made zero attempt at subtly trying to hide it or having some kind of shame about it. It was Pokemon. if you want to save the world you got to really have all the pokemon cards there's no way to do it you want to be a bad kid like oh it's so awful brave star by the fucking space horse by the space horse dipshit yeah um the the other thing is that they do show the commercials and just there's just a lot of dolls that piss themselves oh i had baby alive baby alive was my favorite i loved baby you fed her this banana stuff and she it pooped right out yes that is one of them it poops it's a pooping

doll you pay a premium for the pooping feature. I mean, it was just the same stuff you put in the top. That's like the touring version of the dolls when you get the poops. Standard is no poops, but if you get the optional equipment, it's a pooping doll. Hold on. I don't have kids, so I guess I'm kind of in the dark on this. So Paw Patrol doesn't shit? That's the thing. So few. guess i'm kind of in the dark on this so paw patrol doesn't shit so few but thank you for thank you for bringing it home to my point which is i don't understand why today's kids um i mean as far as i know they're still shitting so why their toys aren't

i do not know answer me that joe fucking b You know why? Because that's how we're evolving and the toy industry is so ahead of it. They know where we're going. And in a couple more generations, there won't be any more poop. Really? Where will the excrement come out? You know what? You and I and we'll all be dead by then. We don't need to know right now. It's better not to know. You upload your waste at a Whole Foods. There's a waste pipe that you connect yourself to, and it goes right up top of Bezos. I don't know. That's actually our new slogan on Jordan, Jesse, go.

Jordan, Jesse, go, Colin. It's better not to know. Here's what I think people should do. Yeah. Watch MODOK, and you tweet me where you get to the part where MODOK says, p me Where you get to the part where MODOK says Paging Dr. Horny And you

And then you get at me on Twitter And you tell me what you've laughed harder at This year You tell me There's nothing If you're saying there's something you laughed harder at You're fucking wrong Paging Dr. Horny is the funniest TV thing

You've seen all year i promise i want to see that i haven't seen that yet it's really funny when did you hear that i got my i sold my stilt man pitch oh wow who's playing him yeah who'd you get joe joaquin phoenix joaquin you said yes yeah well Meredith Patton it's been a joy to have you on the program the podcast is called Did You Get My Text it is very funny

very entertaining podcast I have listened to three of the four episodes and enjoyed them very much the fourth did not care for no I just haven't listened to the fourth one that one's like the best one. They just keep getting better. They really do.

We're working my way over. We're learning. You get to hear us learn every week. The learning curve is exponential. It's a lot like our listeners are used to hearing us not learn every week. What can you learn after 30 years of podcasting? The same mistakes week after week. What can you learn after 30 years of podcasting? The same mistakes week after week.

Our producer Brian Sonny D. Fernandez, Valerie Moffat on the live stream there. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic records from the album Kites Are Fun, the best of The Free Design,

which I know we say this once in a while on the show but probably not enough you really should buy that record because it's so fucking great, the free design are totally amazing you can find us on Twitter at Jordan underscore Morris at Jesse Thorne, hashtag it JJ Go on Twitter if you have

corrections for the program Jordan I don't know if you noticed this. We used to have people tweet all their corrections to our friends at Gas Station TV. Gas Station TV went through some changes. I know their Twitter account wasn't there anymore,

but I was at the pump the other day, and I saw that the new host on Gas Station TV is Maria Menounos. So just tweet her corrections for Jordan Jessico. There you go. What do we care? You know, she's doing fine. She's great. She's good looking.

She's good at hosting shows. Smoking hot. Just tweet at Menounos. Yeah, just tweet at Menounos. Yeah, I think that's probably all we need to say. MaximumFun.reddit.com is where you can talk about the show on Reddit and Facebook.com slash JordanesseGo is where we are on Facebook. And we will talk to you next.

Oh, and guess what? We're at the end of this episode, and Jordan's book came out this past week. Jordan's book has now been out for like a week. Oh, wow. So just go buy the fucking, go buy Bubble. What are you doing? It's a lot of fun. You'll like it.

buy the fucking go buy bubble get the what are you doing it's a lot of fun you'll like it uh oh and hey if you if you if you want a signed copy uh you you can uh you can still get them through the uh through the old web book soup website book soup great great indie bookstore here in la love book soup yeah they're great yeah they have a signed uh copy uh page of their website and you can you can get one there support a nice local, Bubble. It's got a bunch of robots and gore and sex jokes and friendship. I think, we think you'll like it. Ooh, sex. Can I tell, Jordan, I gotta tell you something. A lot of our listeners probably

already bought one. Buy one for your sister. Yeah, she's been meaning to get back into comics. Your sister just learned to read. Buy her something. Come on. Get her something. She's finally reading. It was a struggle for her this is a big thing for her okay we'll talk to you next time on jordan jessica maximumfund.org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported