Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 699: I'm Gonna Shirt with Joel Boyd

Episode Date: August 9, 2021

Here comes Joel Boyd (Earth to Ned, History of Swear Words on Netflix) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion about what it was like to work with Nicolas Cage on History of Swear Words, the authenticity of a book full of sexy letters written to Burt Reynolds, and the time he told Halle Berry the truth about her best performance. Plus, HAPPY ANAL AUGUST TO EVERYONE!Check out the new show Joel is working on Disney+ called Disney's Magic Bake-Off!Get your copy of Bubble from Changing Hands Bookstore in Phoenix!Tell us the ways you are celebrating Anal August – 206-984-4FUN or email a voice memo to [e-mail]!! 

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, Jordan. Jordan, Jordan, Jordan, Jordan, Jordan, Jordan, Jordan, Jordan. That's my name, please wear it out. Oh, please, Please wear it out. Oh, please. Please wear it out.

I'm dying to get a new one, but I'm thrifty, so I don't want to get a new one before this old one is worn out. So just keep going. Can I say something? No. I think Jordan is biffle. I think that's buy it for life, baby. Fuck. That's like one buy it for life, baby. Oh, fuck.

That's like one of those Stanley vacuum thermoses. Right. You can use Jordan to put a nail in a wall. It's the Oakleys of names. Is that an Oakleys buy it for life item? I think so. When I think of things that will replace something, I think Oakleys. I could be totally wrong, though.

Oh. This is not a product category I know a lot about, but for some reason, I was under the impression that Oakley loyalists were Oakley loyalists because they would replace your glasses. Again, this could be totally wrong. When I think things Jose Canseco would wear i think oakley sure that's my number one association with oakley's there was a golden age of athlete sunglasses right where just every baseball player had like not just not just mirrored sports sunglasses with a crazy bat shape, but like electric green mirrored sports sunglasses.

You know what I mean? Yeah. You know what I'm talking about? Mm-hmm. It was just an intense time. That's all. Do you think it'll come back? Is anybody doing that like semi-ironically?

Do you think it has a chance to come back? First of all, baseball players are incapable of irony. I want to make that clear. I don't know if you've heard this, Jesse, but the 90s are back. Everybody's dressing like Clarissa explains it all. Yeah, everyone's explaining it all. Everyone's explaining everything.

Everyone has a magic cat. What show had a magic cat? The Witch Show. I think that's Sabrina the Teenage Witch, which is another Melissaissa joan hart joint wasn't uh wasn't the magic cat paul fee for a time oh i don't know you're you're yeah i think the magic cat at some point was paul feig don't send me letters here's yeah here's what we don't want to hear about we don't want to hear about if oakley will replace your glasses number one yeah okay number two we don't want to hear about. We don't want to hear about if Oakley will replace your glasses.

Number one. Yeah. Okay. Number two. We don't want to hear who played the voice of the cat in Clarissa Explains It All. Excuse me, Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Yeah. Maui Jim, don't email us about those sunglasses.

I know people love those. These are high-quality optics. Here's the sunglasses that I wanted, Jordan. At the time of the sports sunglasses, well, Ricky Henderson wore those glasses. That was my favorite guy. So there was a part of me that wanted those sunglasses, but mostly I wanted these batting gloves that he wore with giant electric green pads on the back in case he got hit on the hand. wanted was this kind of baseball player sunglasses that just has like a little nose piece and then it goes up under your hat and then if you need the sunglasses you tap the brim of your hat and they go floop and you're like oh fuck now i'm sunglassed up jesse have you thought about i mean you're you're an ebay guy you like to surf around the electronic bay have you thought about going online and getting these things that you wanted as a kid would it feel good to have the batting gloves and the and the

glasses that you coveted whoa hold on jesse is getting up i'm assuming he's going to bring the things we talked about if not it's a real hey look at that under glass and everything you did it it's a real ricky henderson batting glove how long have you had that i bought it on ebay a couple years ago but i don't have this see here's the thing because at the same time that those baseball sunglasses were what i wanted was the same time a different world was on TV and the guy from a different world had the little roundies. But his were cool and the ones I wanted were not. The ones I wanted were you buy out of the back of Baseball Digest. Is that the next step?

I mean, you have the batting glove. Is it time to complete the ensemble? Do it, Jesse. You're worth it. Yeah. I'm going to have to resubscribe to Baseball Digest and see if I can find those classifieds again. Did you ever save up for anything? Okay.

This is going to be an important topic on the program. But let's introduce our guest on the program. He is a stand-up comic. He is a comedy writer. And you know what? I'm going to throw actor in there as well. The very funny Joel Boyd. Hi, Joel. How are you? Hey, what's up, guys? Thank you for having me.

What kind of sunglasses did you want? Let's get down to business. Let's get to the real, what people want to know. We got to get real. We got to get raw. That's what people want from a podcast we want to go there joel we want to rogan got rich they gave rogan a hundred million dollars to talk sunglasses this guy knows optics joel we're we're we're we're sending a courier over with some dmt give it a toot and then tell us what kind of sunglasses you want is that how you do dmt? Honestly, I do not know. Please don't call me out.

I don't know. I don't even really know what it is. So let's talk about the things we don't want to hear about Oakley's. We don't want to talk about knowing how to do DMT. Right. Yeah. Even though I think it's on Postmates now, I think. Oh, that's fun. I'm pretty sure. Oh, Joel, you're thinking

of salt and straw ice cream. Oh, okay. It's really good ice cream, though. They got that malted cookie dough. That's really nice. Joel, what kind of sunglasses did you want? Or if you want to take it more broadly, what did you want to save up for to buy from a little advertisement in a magazine or comic book? Oh, man. Well, I don't know why this makes me

think of i always just wanted those like i don't know if they were ray-bans or not you know those sunglasses that are like just the circles oh yeah just round and you can't but you can't see people's my eyes you know what i mean yeah uh i don't know there's i've i've always wanted to just look like i could play guitar but i can't you know what i mean i think people would see those glasses and goes like i don't even need that guy to demonstrate i'm going to assume he shreds and just book book me pay me in advance book me and then i don't even know how to how to do it but i'd look i'd look great yeah i I just saw a picture of the manager of the San Francisco Giants, Gabe Kapler, who is in his late 40s, but is completely yoked like us, like distressingly yoked, riding a bicycle to the stadium. to the stadium wearing ripped black jeans and a tight,

like I didn't even know that you could see muscles through a jean jacket, but somehow his black jean jacket was showing muscles. Sure, but the jacket has veins. Was it sleeveless? No. Was it sleeveless? It was through the jacket? It was through, his muscle definition was showing,

and I mean, granted, you know, he's holding on to the handlebar. So he's a little flexed there. Yeah. But I mean, but cheat cheat code. All you got to do is buy a jacket like two sizes too small. I think that's what it is. Looks like you're ripped. But you know what?

Like I could be wearing a spandex jacket and there's no there's nothing to see here folks move along you know what i mean yeah you people will be like oh you stuff yeah stuff your jacket who brought a javelin to the gun show uh joel i have a couple other questions for you that are not about sunglasses. Thanks, Joel. Sure. Question one. Thank you. When you enter a room, have people started saying, here comes Joel Boyd? Has that started? No, but it should, right? It seems like it should. So since I was a kid, people have always said my full name.

Yeah. Because it's two syllables. So I don't know why that hasn't started i'm i'm i'm gonna ask i should have said i should have asked beforehand if you were familiar with the here comes the boy meme oh no okay what happens in that boy comes or that thank you for asking this is someone this is someone filming their cat walking up a driveway. And as the cat is coming toward the camera, she sings, Here comes the boy. And it's really funny.

And I was just saying it around the house today, having a lot of fun. And then when Brian texted us that you were coming on the show, I sang to myself, Here comesel boyd and i laughed oh how i laughed oh man can i tell you what happened to me today my i opened my mail and my mother had sent a like a a laminated poem that was written on a typewriter. Beautiful. And I'm reading, I'm looking at the poem, and she sent a note with it. And she said it was given to her by Lee Thorne

back when he still loved her. Oh, okay. Oh, my. Your late father, Jesse's late father. This is my late father, yeah. And all I could think was, she could have just said Lee. I don't think. She doesn't have to say your dad.

If she doesn't want to be too familiar, she doesn't have to say your father. But I probably could have inferred which Lee she was talking about. Like, I don't think I would have thought it was Lee Merriweather, Baseball Hall of Famer Lee Smith. You know what I mean? Reggae legend Lee Scratch Perry. Now, if my mom had had a poem written for her by dub legend Lee Scratch Perry, now we're talking. There'd probably be aliens in it. Man, it'd be fucking great or you know

Lee Daniels just saying hello it would be really nice then you made it my mom has been trying to crack show business for all of her 75 years and if she finally got that poem from Lee Daniels that's how she would know she had

made it that's how you know you know that's when you're in, man. I just got a sonnet, she would say, from Keenan Ivory Wayans. Okay, so this is... Fucking around. Here's, I think, what everybody wants to know from Joel. Joel. Yeah, let's get serious.

Yes. Let's get into it. Light up my Instagram comments. Fucking Jermaine Jackson, this thing. let's get serious. Yes. Yeah, let's get into it. You. Light up my Instagram comments. Fucking Jermaine Jackson, this thing. Let's get on Insta. Let's slide into his DMs because we want to know. Because this is a man who has worked with and written for Nicolas Cage. Fuck. Okay.

Nicolas motherfucking Cage. What's it like? We want to know. This was for the Netflix show The History of Swear Words, right? Yes. I guess my first specific question would be, when you were working with Nick Cage, did he say anything about the print that Jordan bought at his estate sale? He brought it up in the first. Wow.

And yeah. He thought that joe rogan so yeah so tell so what was it so when you got that job on that show did you know immediately that nick cage was the host or did that come like later oh so you know what's really funny about that show i don't know if i'm allowed to talk about this but they you know that netflix bought the show and we didn't know who was going to host it for like half the writers room. And then they booked Nick Cage and there were so many other names flying around. I cannot lie to you. This is one of the most opposite names that was floating around the room.

Cat Williams was considering hosting. Wow. There is a significant difference. I i mean it would have been an entirely different although honestly in a way not really yeah colorful characters true very eccentric yeah uh but i think you know both of them are wild cards right and you know that's very true although we would write the jokes and they'd be like, all right, Nick's going to say it however he's going to say it. Or, you know, Cat would say it however Cat's going to say it. I have a family friend named CJ Flash.

And CJ, for a time, toured with Cat Williams as his DJ. for a time, toured with Cat Williams as his DJ. Most stand-up comics tour with a DJ because you simply cannot rely on the club to drop the beat properly. But CJ toured, I mean, he toured for a few years with Cat Williams

and had nothing but wonderful things to say. Seriously. Is this before, is this like what era of Cat? This was shortly before his sort of public breakdown. Okay. He had a public breakdown. What was that?

Maybe five or seven years ago that Cat Williams had a big problem. It was maybe 10 years ago. He was there for the special when... Was it Obama got elected? Because he had American Hustle. And then it was like... I think the biggest one that hit before he went crazy was I think... No, no, no.

I think he was... I don't know. It was one special where he was making fun of Hillary Clinton. And I think he shot it in D.C. So was he... He was there for for that i don't know what specials he was there for but that's the time frame we're talking about i mean they're playing the funny bone in cleveland or whatever but cj's cutting cutting records between sets oh my god and he had nothing but nice that he what is he like nothing but nice things to say

about it and cat would let me wear one of his fur coats exactly like if i did he permed my hair if i was having a hard time snorting cocaine cat would lend me his pinky fingernail uh i mean cj also for a time to be to be fair he also worked with timex social club and said they're very nice so yeah you know but maybe he's just being generous to a to a you know a generous employer but that's true always said nothing but nice things to say about cat williams wow do you did you rewrite joel for like when you when you're like when we have two weeks where you think it's gonna be cat williams are you like crossing stuff out and writing in pimping pimping and then when nicholas cage comes in you're like crossing that out and writing in

i love my pig from the movie pig oh man. Luckily, I think we found out it was Nick soon enough to where we did. It was such a weird situation where every other day in the writer's room, they were just like, hey, man, we're still on the phone with Kat. We don't know. We don't know, guys. So they were trying to make sure we didn't write it too heavily in his voice yet so it was pretty generic right um they were literally trying to physically find cat williams yeah just what city he was in yeah couldn't get him a text back he's got sprint it was just really bad

Yeah, couldn't get him a text back. He's got Sprint. It was just really bad. Yeah, Sprint's tough, you know. Yeah, you know. It's cheaper, but you pay in other ways. Right, yeah. And they say the network's 90% is good, but 10%? Deutsche Telekom.

Yeah, your career's on the comeback. It's like you can't afford, you know. I mean, he's lucky he didn't have Metro PCS. If I'm honest, if I'm honest if i'm honest there was a period where he had boost mobile and had newings got built from the mugshot you were like oh no that's he has boost mode i was i mean i was working on with yakov smirnoff on a project for a while and that dude has cricket wireless and he never misses a text wow with cricket shout out wow shout out cricket and he would always say every time he'd answer the phone in soviet russia cricket wireless is you

which you know the structure is there but i would probably yeah i mean that's why he hired you yeah he was uh he was losing his mind that's why why the project never went anywhere, because this was the start of kind of a slow descent for him. Did you guys know that Yakov Smirnoff and Cat Williams actually goaded each other into their emotional and mental breakdowns? They were partying in Las Vegas together. Wow. Which they did for a while. I mean, it's not uncommon for them.

Yeah, it's not a secret. Yeah, that's on TikTok. It's on TikTok, guys. Trust us. It's on TikTok for them. Yeah. It's not a secret. Yeah. That's on TikTok. Yeah. It's on TikTok, guys. Trust us. It's on TikTok. Look it up. Yeah. Guys, that's just Chinese.

Number one, that's just Chinese propaganda. Oh. The TikToks about Cat Williams and Yakov. They're just trying to tear down our heroes. Which is what I think is a full-time job for Gen Z. They're just trying to make sure everybody's gone. I think Cat Williams has said some problematic things, but I'm not sure.

And I think he's very funny in general. Oh, man. Yeah. But that's, you know, isn't that a comedian's job? Aren't we supposed to kind of push? I mean, you find, didn't George Carlin's...

At the end of the day, we're truth tellers, Joel. You know, we find the line. That's what George Carlin said. You find the line, you go across it, and then you make the audience happy. You find the line, you go across it, and then you're Bill Maher. I was going to say, in George Carlin's case, you find the line, you cross it, and then you're in Bill and Ted. And you get your own sitcom on Fox that confuses young jesse why is this man

in a sitcom okay joel yeah so what did nicholas yeah so how do you find out how does the news come down yeah okay so great head writer shout out joe randazzo oh the great joe randazzo former jordan jesse go guest also uh former jordan former Jordan Jesse Go guest Sarah Schaefer on that show. Yes, Sarah Schaefer. Another great one. Yes. Big shout out. She's hilarious.

She wrote, so funny enough, what was really, really fun, when we found out that we were going to be covering the words dick and pussy, sorry for kids who are listening at home. Yeah, come on, Joel. I know there's so many children that love you family program joel i know this runs on disney junior which i love i subscribe but you know the kids are going to hear it anyway they're talking about it on the playground yeah uh so we just you know we're making sure you guys hear it with us first right safely safely you know kids with a guy who worked on a show uh studied profanity so you know you're an expert at this point right i'm an expert

um so when we found out we had those two episodes as a personal challenge me and sarah looked at each other you know the writer's room is on zoom so we both were like yo i'm gonna write i said to her i was like yo i'm gonna write pussy and I was like, yo, I'm going to write pussy. And she was like, you know what? I'm going to write dick. Wow. And I don't know what it was, but both of us just knew we wanted the challenge of writing the other genders episode. That sounds that sounds sounds funny and empathetic. Yeah, it was.

I learned. You know what, man? I'm not going to lie. Studying that word for like two weeks writing that episode i learned a lot wow i learned a lot man i'll tell you this joel pussies are strong sure hey man stronger than me as a person yeah you know straight up off the bat but people knew that people knew that by the sound waves of my uh uh midwestern voice people knew that which of those words it does nicholas cage say funnier oh man definitely pussy yeah

that makes sense i mean because because you know writing that episode even just as a male it was like me and joe who's the head writer, obviously was like, we have to perfectly place how often he says it. You know what I mean? It's like one of those. It's such a powerful word that it's like you don't want Nicolas Cage just saying, you know, that word like 50 times in an episode. Dick is funny. He can say dick whenever. You know what I mean?

Like Sarah wrote the shit out of that episode. But like pussy, it was like, I think he I think if you watch that episode he might have only said it twice and he makes it count i bet he bet he fucking makes those pussies count absolutely he fucking oscar winning moments those two the two moments can i just say you got to count the pussies because he's going to make the pussies count. Right. Yeah. How'd you know what our merch was? Do you get to be on set when Nicolas Cage is on set? Like, what's the VIP situation?

Are you allowed to meet his gays? No. Well, you know, us writers are, you know how they treat writers on set. We're just, we're like backup if they need a freaking punchline in the bottom of the ninth. Can I be clear, Joel? I do not know because I'm not in show business. Oh, okay. Well, hey. I'm a professional podcaster, Joel.

I don't know how to. I hosted a television show for three months. Jesse, but you're a huge fan of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Yeah, so I know a little bit about how show business basically a documentary yes the best piece of uh media i would say that ever covered this topic couldn't agree more couldn't agree more that's true and i've saved a few rec centers in my time which you know those evil developers are there i would say dancing contests yeah i mean i feel like break dancing is a form of show business right yeah at least popping and locking is which is my specialty yeah that's

level one if you pass there you know you get to coin dropping and yeah up in uh knowledge i don't know i don't know what they do yeah and then you're crumping yeah yeah i'm not afraid to crump if uh if a rec center is going to be saved. Dude, that saves most rec centers. I know people knew that. That's true. That's what. Yeah.

So were you on set and what was it? What was it like when he was there? Was it like. Man. So it was to be totally honest. So we tuned in from Zoom. We're like, you know, all of our guests, you know, we made that show. What was special about it is that we could make it during the pandemic.

So it was like we're writing jokes, pitching jokes over Zoom, like Sarah Silverman sitting on the other side of the Zoom call, freaking Nick Offerman. Like and we're just on the Zoom, like pitching funny lines. Hopefully they'll say it. Because there's like a talking head element to this show i guess we should say like it's not just nick cage but it kind of goes around so you have sarah silverman and nick offerment on the other line and you're like suggesting stuff for them and we're you know most of them are just honestly answering the questions that we you know we prompt them uh but so when nick was there dude and we we probably already knew this because this guy's, you know, the fucking man. He films the entire six episode series in one day.

Wow. Cage brings the heat. Look, he's starred in feature films in one day, Joel. Right. Yeah. He flies into Bulgaria. He shoots the film. He flies out 24 hours later.

He shoots another movie on the plane about a man flying back to L.A. from Bulgaria. Yeah. And they're all in a red box by the time the plane lands. Do not even think about accusing Nicolas Cage of not taking care of business. Yeah. Oh man, he shoots movies faster than Tyler Perry. It's amazing.

They should have a movie race. Have you, by the way, watched the Tyler Perry, Nicolas Cage sitcom? They did a hundred episode order on USA. Oh, wow. Shot it in three weeks. It is amazing. It is really, you know, I feel like I learned a lot, not just about Nicolas Cage, but also

about the power of Christ if we let him into our lives. Right. And I got a few laughs. And I learned something about family. So I got a lot out of Nicolas Cage's sitcom that he made with Tyler Perry. It is an interesting choice to have Nicolas Cage play Madea. I understand Tyler Perry wanted to get out of it. Right.

Like he's done. But when you really think about it, what it takes, like from your soul. Right. Yes. Right. nick cage was next in line right it's just it's like that's that's clear i imagine it's like when ben kingsley was done being gandhi you know right at the end of at the end of that he says i can't i can't come back to this and that's why in gandhi too he brought in cage yeah for god oh guys great choice speaking of uh movie stars i have a new segment uh i have a new segment for our show we love segments i went into the office the other day it was very exciting and we got a package from our friend J. Keith Van Stratten. Hey, okay. J. Keith Van Stratten, the host of the Go Fact Yourself podcast.

Yeah, a wonderful comedy game show here at Maximum Fun. He knew that we're big fans of Burt Reynolds, the Hursuit star of the 1970s and 80s, known for staring distractedly off camera while chewing gum in most of his films and being compelling nonetheless somehow i would say burt reynolds is very nicholas cage like not the act not the actor that nicholas cage is but the compelling personage yeah although i i might say i might say that i you know they they have a yin and yang quality in that I think we have minimum effort and maximum effort. Yeah.

That's very fair. Nicolas Cage is giving more than he should to his— But that's what you want. That's what you want. Yeah, yeah. But, you know, and the Burt Reynolds—listen, they both showed up for a lot of paychecks. I don't know what Burt Reynolds' tax situation was like. It probably wasn't good.

Right, that's very true. They both. That's very true. They both. I will say there was an episode of one of the episodes that we shot within 40 minutes, obviously, when Nick arrived. 40 minutes obviously when nick arrived uh was uh he was introducing the concept of the of the series of history of swear words and he decides to ad lib and pretty much sing and conduct like a freaking symphony conductor michael telson thomas style yes beautifully committed uh the word fuck and this was when you watch the show he we didn't write that nobody pitched that he was just like

can i can i sing it you didn't put in the script, Cage, pull some Gustavo Dudamel shit. So I opened, I went in the mailbox. I opened this package from our friend J. Keith Van Straten. I had a nice note that said, I'm sorry I'm sending you this. And he sent us a book called Burt Reynolds Hotline, The Letters I Get and Write. It is like a bargain paperback with a picture of Burt Reynolds. How would you characterize this outfit, Joel, that Burt Reynolds is wearing here on the cover? Sexy. Very sexy. It's a wrestling singlet with stars on it. Am I seeing that? that Burt Reynolds is wearing here on the cover. Sexy. And sexy. Very sexy.

It's a wrestling singlet with stars on it. Am I seeing that? Yeah. The stars are in the right places. Yeah. One star for his abs, I would say, and one star for his prodigious schlong. His legendary schlong.

And then there's a beautiful woman behind him sort of wrapped around him. Is she grabbing ass? Is she grabbing ass? No, he is grabbing her leg. She's pumping his butt. Yeah. Okay. And he's got a look on his face.

He's saying to himself, ain't I a stinker? It is amazing that in 1978 they made kids read that in third grade. I know. But that was, you made kids read that in third grade. I know. But that was, you know, it was a different time. It was a different time. George Carlin was out there. He wasn't on Bill and Ted yet. Yeah.

I mean, they were actually adding N-words to Huck Finn at the time. It was a different time in American history. So this is from 1972. And so this segment is called Letters to Burt Reynolds. Okay. Joel, I guess just before we start, I want to get Joel's context for Burt Reynolds. Because you're a younger guy than us. So is he someone you know about?

My frame of reference, and I think nobody in this room in this zoom who's listening would be surprised by this for my generation The Longest Yard no doubt that movie is pretty boring both of them

you think both of them and I haven't seen the Sandler one but the one I watched with Burt Reynolds, and I do like Burt Reynolds. But, yeah, all I remember is just it being boring and him calling a Native American guy chief a bunch of times. Oh, yeah. Well, that's going to happen back then. No, the Sandler one's hilarious. It's really funny.

There you go. You know, when you got Terry Crews before he was crazy, you know, that's just good comedy. I think he was always doing his Terry Crews thing. You know what I mean? You don't get that yoke to get onto America's gladiators without a certain intensity. Yeah, that's very true. Was Terry Crews an American gladiator? I think he was an American gladiator.

He was either an American gladiator or a knockoff American gladiator he was on a syndicated gladiating television that's true that's right there were american gladiator knockoffs yeah the rip-roaring success of american gladiator i mean look there's probably brazilian ninja warrior on television right now so you're right you know okay so it's one of my favorite yeah letters not only is there brazilian ninja warrior but there are people there are americans who will corner you and insist that that's the good one yeah i don't watch i don't watch america i watch brazilian ninja warrior and i only watch drag race bali all right you know burt reynolds is america's newest sex symbol star of movies tv stage and cosmos centerfolds passion flower stage

passion flower to eager femmes from 8 to 80 he's a virile witty gracious warm lovable hotter than firecrackers hunk of mail who likes nothing better. Did they say eager? Eager Fims from 8 to 80? Yeah, that's correct. Wow. It's a broad range. Who wrote this and are they canceled yet?

Who likes nothing better than reclining his fabulous fanny on bearskin rugs, rapping with his fans and their endless stream of letters. Wow. Okay, so my darling Bert. So you're just opening to a random page? Pretty much, yeah. I mean, I did put in a few bookmarks, but they're all like in the first four pages of the book. Like I didn't have to dig far for these.

My darling Bert, I got the autographed photo yesterday and I haven't had it out of my sight since. It kept me awake all night. But if there was ever a guy worth losing sleep over, you're him. When I look at this picture of you, I just want to reach out and crush you in my arms. You're so delicious, I could eat you right up. All of you. From the top of your beautiful head to the tip of your darling toes. Signed, Love Hungry in Savannah.

So, who wants this book? Who loves Burt Reynolds so much that they want to read what other people write to Burt Reynolds? I enjoy the films of Jason Statham, but I don't want to read his mail. I'd read his mail. Just see what's up. Yeah, right. See what's in's in there sure look at all these car wash coupons jason statham got you want to know i i'm thinking about all the stuff that didn't make the book right you know what i mean just things like all the weird stuff yeah or just like some like what's your favorite color yeah dear bert i'll be brief and to the point. I'm a little on the shady side of 30, which is too old to be playing games.

Wow. Honest to God, Burt, the thing in the world I'd most like to do is fuck your brains out. How about it? Wow. Man. What page is this? What page number is this? This is page 13 of the book.

That's only 13. Yeah. I mean, I've always said that's only 13 yeah i i mean i've always said i that's why i like them on the shady side of 30 yeah you know it's weird that that that's like my my go-to uh bumble messaging right oh really yeah i give it you you be honest you know you just put it all on the table right there and in this case you win some you lose some you know i think she was i think she was probably on the evening shady side of 30. uh that's i put that tom selleck yeah i think that is tom selleck okay dear bert i'm a

ripe old bird of 78 half a century older i, I'd say, than most of your fans. Came out here to the prairies from Ontario when I was nine years old. Been here ever since. Farmed with my husband on 160 acres north and west of here. Mostly wheat. Brought up six kids and saw them all through college. When my husband died, I moved in with a married daughter who lives in town. The past two years, I've been a little poorly.

Touch of asthma and a heart attack. This is easily the horniest one yet, by the way. This one is hot. That's how come I've seen so much television. You are my favorite. Like that fella Jack Parr used to say, I kid you not. Can't tell you how many good chuckles you've given me on those talk shows.

Bert, it's a fair piece up to this neck of the woods. I know. But I was wondering if you could ever get up this way. Honest to God, I think I could cash in my checks happy if i ever met you how about it one thing you'd be safe what could an old geezer like me do to you for pete's sake for pete's i love boy this has this okay there's a lot going on here so she's she's ready to die. Someone who has accepted death. She sure is. Yeah, and she's just like, come up and visit me and then watch me die.

Not only will I not fuck you, but you could watch me expire. Dear Bert, we girls of Winnetka would love to give you a rip-roaring send-off at the airport when you leave Chicago. Won't you please contact us and give us the flight information? We'll be just as naughty as the law allows, but promise not to embarrass you too much. We're most anxious that you get on that plane in a most relaxed state ready for a good sleep so we'll jack you off at the airport yeah that's what that one is wow meet us behind the cinnabon can i i'm gonna read this one this one is the one like these obviously jordan you asked the question who are these four right and i think to some extent you know women can imagine themselves

writing a letter like this to burt reynolds and i think men can hear these come-ons that these women are writing they can imagine themselves in burt reynolds place and it might get them a little horned up yeah i that. Yeah, that's the thing I'm kind of like puzzling about this. It's like, is this porn for someone? I guess so. Yes, it's porn for me right now.

Wow. I'm just glad the camera's only... Yeah, thank you for being classy about it, Joel. And you know, we're a sex-positive podcast, so we support you. I feel comfortable here and I just want to express myself. Yeah, thank you for being classy about it, Joel. And, you know, we're a sex-positive podcast, so we support you. Yeah. I feel comfortable here, and I just, I want to express myself.

No, thank you. Thank you for letting us know, and thank you for being comfortable. I've just been enjoying, you know, I've just been enjoying this. If you could just send me a, just screenshot a bunch of those for me, and just text them to me later,

I'd really... That'd be great. And Jesse, you have such a beautiful reading voice too thank you it really helps uh so this is the one that for me in reading almost a dozen pages of this book i found the most this was the one where if i got this bumble message i would have to rethink my own married lifestyle. Wow. Okay. My own happily married lifestyle.

Look, don't tell the missus. Jesse, why do you have the Bumble account? Just for research. I'm writing a screenplay. On anonymous sex. There's a friends tab on Bumble, I think, right? There is. And there's a business's a friends there's a friends tab on bumble i think right there's a there is and there's a business option as well there's business and friends jesse people are looking

for business at contacts on bumble yeah man why not it's it's the pandemic bro i think those people are pandemonium are bumbling business that's what i I think. Jesse, it's where Jeff Bezos found his spaceship. That was on the boondoggles tab. Okay. Here's the one where I thought I could see myself with this girl. Okay. Dear Bert, I love sports, hunting, fishing, horseback riding, and a hairy he-man you i'm 39 years old divorced with two boys i can't write too good as three years ago i cut the first joint of my index finger off grinding meat What the fuck?

I love her. I love her. I live in the Shenandoah Valley. Do you like to hunt? Wish you could be here and go deer hunting with me. I smoke a pipe when I'm hunting. Other times I smoke cigars. I love hair on a man and you really do have it just where I love it. Wish someday I could see it all. Just looking at that picture, I get so excited I can hardly write. I presume the stump finger is part of that as well. She said that earlier.

Yeah, that's right. Imagine it makes writing. I don't know, although I don't know, I guess we don't know which hand she... Well, she said she can't write too good because of that, for that reason. Wait, why doesn't she just use the other hand? To write? Have you ever tried writing with your non-preferred hand, Joel? Yeah, but I mean

she should have used the other hand to grind the meat for God's sake. Keep that meat grinder away from the dominant hand. Yeah, bro. She's gonna need that. I don't know, I feel like if you I would just get, somehow get good at the other. Yeah.

You'd think you'd daredevil it. You'd get super senses in your remaining fingers. That's true. Maybe I'd have to test this theory. Let me go get a meat grinder. Go grind some meat. Let us know how it goes. We'll just wait here reading horny Burt Reynolds letters.

I'll send you guys a letter. You'll see how it goes. We'll just wait here, reading horny Burt Reynolds letters. I'll send you guys a letter, and you'll see how I did. I love hair on a man, and you really do have it just where I love it. Wish someday I could see it all. Just looking at that picture, I get so excited I can hardly write. If you were here, what I wouldn't do to you. I'd kiss you from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet. No place I wouldn't find. And leave you wet with my kisses how why she gotta find his dick i mean it's right there between the his belly button and his knees

you know like it's right there it's between it's at the place where his legs come together with his torso i'm gonna be honest i'm really disappointed at the lack of meat analogies. Right. Yeah, you're right. I'd really grind your meat off. Sure. The tip of your meat would get caught in my grinder. I love a sausage.

You're a beefcake. Yes. Just low-hanging sausage. Low-hanging sausage. Do you like pipes? Sure. you know sausage sausage do you like pipes sure I love a nice dick steak if you know what I mean anyway maybe we'll bring that back so I did not get that very deep and into this book so my in

the future well it is amazing that Burt Reynolds responded to each of those letters and he included a pube in each one J J Keith sent this it with a on each of those letters and he included a pube in each one. J. Keith sent this on Botsmaru stationery. Our favorite member of the Sanrio gang.

Bad, bad Botsmaru. If those are real, how did they get them? And if they're fake, why did you get them? And if they're fake, why did you write them like that? I have, my question is also,

has Bert ever read these? I don't know. I mean, he, they just put them out, right? It's, they've all got,

they've got, I mean, these have to be like dear penthouse type things these have to be like fake he posed for the wrestling singlet photo or that was just one of his stock photos uh that's my that's my guess he takes all these letters in stride never blowing his fantastic cool as he answers some pretty way out queries way out i believe i believe it because you know we talk we joke about bumble they didn't have bumble and you know that's true in the 70s man this is bumble this was you gotta write some dirty little you know i lost my finger you want to use the nub that's what i would write if you'll you won't you won't believe what I can do with this nub.

For people who are watching the live stream of this, they'll get a chance to see this. Jordan, I'm going to rely on you to describe what is in this picture. But there is a photo spread in the middle. And it's mostly him in the singlet or him in an almost entirely unbuttoned wrangler western shirt type of deal um but there's one here and i i honestly it's hard for me even to begin to describe it so i'm gonna leave it to my friend jordan here so burt appears to be nude. He is wearing a, not a cowboy hat, but like a dick tray, or no, an old press guy hat.

It's much taller than that, though. Look how tall it is. But it has the card in it, right? It has the little press card in it. That's why I'm saying. It's like a 10-gallon, it's like a Pecos Bill type hat. Right. Wouldn't you say?

It is a world war. It's the first Pharrell hat. Right. It is a, it is a, it's a, it's a world war. It's the first Pharrell hat. Right. It is the Pharrell hat, but with a press badge in it to get him access to various media events. Yeah. He is nude, the hat,

he's got a cigarette and he is, uh, um, sitting kind of cool nineties teacher style, kind of backwards ons teacher style, kind of backwards on a chair that looks like it is in a casino in front of a slot machine. This chair is a human hand-shaped chair.

Oh, I didn't notice that, okay. And the thumb of the human hand is covering his dick. Okay. And when you say there's a cigarette in his mouth, he's doing like a, with the cigarette. Yeah, it's very messy. Yeah. mouth he's doing like a with the cigarettes and very uh uh messy yeah it is sticking up in the air like the like the penguins cigarette holder and also like if you look at the cigarette

it looks kind of like a fat jay wouldn't you say i mean again i'm not seeing maybe all the detail. It looks like a fake tube. I missed the detail about the hand chair. Is there anyone in history who... Is Burt Reynolds the man who has had the most photos of him taken with something slightly obscuring his junk? Yeah, I think that's probably the case. Who has had more? I wonder. I mean, other than, of course, Winston Churchill.

And there's, yeah. Oh, boy. That's beautiful. That's him doing the Donald Sutherland from Animal House, but in a football jersey. He's lifting up to catch a football, and you can see those famous buns, which, listen, I'm in a glass house. I shouldn't be throwing these stones, but the buns don't look good. What are you talking about? You don't'm in a glass house. I shouldn't be throwing these stones. But the buns don't look good. What are you talking about?

You don't live in a glass house. You live in a house made entirely of gorgeous buns. The buns don't look great in that photo. Jordan, your house. I'm talking about your house. Wait, can I have a question about the buns? Yes. About these Burt buns.

Burt's buns. Soon to branch off from burt's piece um right but in that photo there is it me or was there hair on the butt or was that a shadow it from from the bottom like a hairy ass and that was not my issue with the buns. Although I think it is important while we're describing this, like, Joel, you are right. I think it's a hairy ass, and that was not my issue with it.

You know, and I think obviously some people like a hairy ass. What can I, what was your issue with Bruce Buns? There's nothing there. It's a little flat, right? I mean, and you see those. This was before you had those Beyonce workouts on Instagram.

Right. He didn't know about doing squats. This guy was just smoking cigarillos. Sure. Puffing fat J's, blowing trees. I also like how those letters included too many personal details. Well, I feel like that is the most convincing argument for the veracity of this content, right? Like, if you were going to write a book like this.

Right. And I hope to someday. Now that you're a published author, you're on the road. Talk to your agent. But I think in my heart, I believe that you would, if you were just some dude writing this book,

that you would be writing about like, oh, my jugs are like this, you know, my, my thick milky jugs or whatever. You've been talking about your thick milky jugs, you know? Yeah.

If you were writing this book fake, but if you're not writing it fake, what you're saying is, do you want to go deer hunting with me? I've got a stumpy finger. Right. No. From an accident. Here's what it's reading as to me is this guy has a word count he's trying to hit with these you know how like you know how you like go google

an online recipe right you're like i want to know how to make scalloped potatoes right you google scalloped potatoes and because they need you to scroll the whole fucking website so you see all of their ads you know before you get to scalloped potatoes, you have to read a story about like, my kids just won't eat side dishes and I try and make them side dishes, but they always say, nah, but then I made these

and they're like, mm, nom, nom, nom. And it's just this whole fucking, like, how do I make these? My kids won't eat flat potatoes. Right. Anyway, so I think that's what's going on here is that this just has to be a certain length. And whoever this letter ghostwriter is, is like, shit, I live in a brown house and I like tinfoil and sometimes my fridge breaks. I think that's what's going on here.

When you read some of these letters, you might wonder how many of the innocent there are left. Anyway, don't expect to be able to point to anyone and say, so you're this sexy little devil who wrote. They took out the identifying details, guys. Reading other people's mail isn't really very nice. On the other hand, it can be fun. Warmly yours, Burt Reynolds. hand it can be fun warmly yours burt reynolds i would love this was written by his dear friend gene bow he says thanks to my dear friend gene bow for all the fun and help in putting this book together gene bow probably suggested the idea what if you're jumping up to catch a pass uh but

you're not wearing any trousers so you're so your little booty's hanging right out. Your little hairy booty. My little buddy Bert. I would love it if this was just a literal way to peek into Bert Reynolds' mail, and then the first 20 pages are horny letters from divorced amputees. And then the last half, just car wash coupons.

Yeah, it's just all... Okay, we're going to take a break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la? It's Jeff Bezos, space builder. Oh, thank you, Bezos. We call him the Bees. We hope you're having fun in space, Bees. Ah, space Bees.

It's the members of MaximumFun.org. Thank you to every single one of them and everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join to become a member. That is an option available to you, listener. We're also grateful this week to our friends at Stitch Fix.

Right. Right. Stitch Fix. We love them. I went to two parties today. Two? Two different parties. Oh, my gosh.

Gabriel's birthday and Pierce's birthday. Which one was better? Come on, talk shit. Talk shit about the children's birthdays. Pierce's birthday had a piñata. Okay, classic. Gabriel's birthday had popsicles, so I'm going to go with Gabriel's birthday because I don't get anything out of the piñata. That's for the children.

Whereas the popsicles are for everyone, including cool dads. Awesome. Sounds like a fun way for a dad to cool down. Anyway, my point here is that we're getting out into the world. We're having this outdoor, you know, we're putting our masks on, getting together with people. And we need some fly threads, as I call them. You got to have fly. You got to look fly. Yeah. together with people and we need some fly threads as i call them you gotta have fully you gotta look fly yeah otherwise pierce's dad is gonna talk shit about you oh god damn it pierce's dad is

handsome too that's the other thing about pierce's dad this guy's a good looking guy he could he could talk shit all day and all i would say is thank you anyway stitch fix is a service that helps get you fly threads uh here's how it works they have somebody over there at stitch fix who picks out little outfits for you this is based on your measurements and your preferences you fill out a little computer form then they pick out special outfits for you and you can keep them all or you can send them back. And honest to goodness, they do a good job. I bought some party garb for my young son, Oscar. And they pick nice stuff.

Not too scratchy. Oh, yeah. You got to listen. Kids love a soft shirt. Yeah. Starchy pants? No thanks. Yeah.

I tried to starch them up, but the starch wouldn't stick. That's the Stitch Fix promise. Yeah. Starchy pants? No thanks. Yeah. I tried to starch them up, but the starch wouldn't stick. That's the Stitch Fix promise. Yeah. Stitch Fix, they send you great stuff, and it is genuinely fun. It is genuinely fun to fill out the style profile. I've had such good luck with their stuff fitting me. It's so nice to kind of know that when you see something and you like it, it'll probably fit you really nice.

Stitch Fix, it's a blast. You pay a $20 styling fee for each box, and that gets credited toward the pieces you keep. So there are no hidden fees ever. Yeah, I think that fit thing is one of the— Like, look, anybody can tell you. You can walk into any gosh darn store, and they'll pick out a nice shirt for you. And if you're lucky, maybe they know your colors, you know, if you're lucky. But what's cool about Stitch Fix is that across brands, these stylists know the relative fit.

So once they lock in your fit, they can pick clothes that always fit you, which is, especially if you're tough to fit, a really great advantage. So get started today at stitchfix.com slash JJ Go. You'll get 25% off when you keep everything in your fix. Stitchfix.com slash JJ Go, 25% off everything in your fix. That's stitchfix.com slash JJ Go. We're also supported this week by the good folks at Freshly. Jordan, I'm so tired. I'm too tired to cook, Jordan. Boy, well, I guess you'll just have to go to bed and starve to death in your sleep. There's no other way.

There's no solution to this problem. Oh, I hope it's a sweet death. Wait. Hold on, Jesse. I'm getting a memo from our opportunity department. It turns out that there's a great service that offers chef-made, nutrient-packed, delicious meals delivered fresh to your door, no cooking required. Here's what you do. Okay, what do I do?

Jordan? Yeah. Take a look at that memorandum and let me know what to do. Here's what you do. You visit freshly.com slash JJGO. You choose from over 30 delicious, satisfying, better-for-you meals like steak peppercorn, sausage baked penne, or the chicken pesto bowl. Our listeners can try Freshly for just $6.16 per meal. Stop searching the internet for healthy food near me every night and start living life freshly.

I actually do that compulsively. I'm getting blisters on my fingers from searching the internet for healthy food near me. Listen, now you can put that compulsion to bed unless for some reason it's emotionally soothing to you. Then do it because of self-care. But if you're actually using it to look for food, you don't have to because you just go to Freshly.com slash JJGo. And if you go to that special URL, you'll get $40 off your first two orders.

Freshly.com slash JJGo. You get $40 off your first two orders. Stop stressing about dinner. I command you. Go to Freshly.com slash JJGo for $40 off your first two orders. That's Freshly.com slash JJGo for $40 off your first two orders.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. It's Joel Boyd here. They call me the T-shirt cannon.

Wow. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. boy detective uh shoal boyd here uh they call me the t-shirt cannon wow that's just because of his ejaculatory problem it's weird i come shirts it's not okay i mean weird you mispronounced fantastic you got a lifetime supply of shirts there well at least one or two a day until you're older man i get tired but you know yeah i get hired for a lot of events it's just you work out you work out you're like oh i gotta change well give me give me 10 minutes oh i'm gonna shirt oh i'm gonna shirt look out Oh, I've got a shirt. Look out. I did great at the Bucks games. I did. Joel, have you ever operated a t-shirt cannon? No, but I mean, being one is like enough.

It's exhausting. But, you know, it's unfortunate because it's just a weird thing to have to put in your Bumble profile. Right. Right. But I'm upfront about it. I'm really like, you know, we said on the show, we're very sex positive here. it's just a weird thing to have to put in your bumble profile right right but i'm up front about it i'm really like you know we said on the show we're very sex positive here and and i'm yeah yeah and i don't want to hear anybody i don't want to hear about anybody online after this show airs giving joel a hard time because he comes shirts i don't need any shirt shamers out there that's not

it's beautiful yeah and they're already there they come out freshly pressed and ironed. You don't have to. And these aren't Hanes beefy tees. These are like thin. High quality, like premium. Like that soft cotton. That soft cotton. That soft, exactly.

It feels vintage. It feels washed. Tubular construction so you don't have to have those side seams. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's the worst. It's all light and airy. It's great.

Yeah. Very. It's not that stuff. You. It's great. Yeah. Very. It's not that stuff with the- You can dress it up, dress it down. You could throw a blazer over these things. Can I say one thing? I personally do not come t-shirts. Okay.

Just come regular semen, but it is pretty light and airy. Is it? Right. And you could throw a blazer over it. It's got a nice froth to it it's weird because uh you know i eat pineapples right and the shirts just come out with like spongebob's face on them like it's just it's you know yeah yeah but it's one of those i mean this came up last week on the program it's it's one of those spongeb, this came up last week on the program. It's one of those SpongeBob faces, like a SpongeBob popsicle,

where it's just sort of a half-melted gumball. Right. Yeah. I would have to be under a specific emotion to get any other expression. Yeah. I mean, that's rough. Yeah. And Joel, thank you for sharing this with us.

Thank you. This is crazy because this is like I've been wanting to get that off my chat. You know what I mean? No. And I brought it to JJ Go and you guys get the exclusive. I mean, you guys. We're so lucky. Thank you guys for letting me.

Hey, no. I mean, yeah, you're welcome. You're welcome. Incidentally, speaking of our sex positivity, we want to wish all the Jordan Jesse Go listeners out there a happy Analogist. Yeah, happy Analogist. Joel, for you or for any new listeners, thank you for... There's no new listeners. There's Joel Boyd heads out there.

There's Boyd heads out there who are tuning in for the first time to hear Joel talk about coming shirts. Cat Williams. Cat Williams. Cat Williams heard that we were talking about him. He's the nicest guy. The nicest guy. Great guy. Great guy. According to CJ.

For new listeners or, you know, people who don't listen in August for some reason, you know, Analogous is a sacred time. You know, the Flophouse has Cagemas in July. We have Analogous. We have Anal August. It's based on a sign that I saw once outside the Pleasure Chest on Santa Monica Boulevard. They apparently dedicate the whole month of August to, you know, education and celebration, um, around the anal area. And we paid it forward to the pleasure chest.

We invited someone from the, some years ago, we had a guest from the pleasure chest to talk about butt stuff. Uh, she was not crazy about us. I would say tolerant of us at best. But yeah, we're grateful to the Pleasure Chest for being the original source. Can you get, you know, just because I, you know, I'm not familiar fully with analogous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was there anything you guys learned that would be like a hot, like, ooh, I maybe should try that.

Or maybe it's a fun fact that i don't know joel so that great just joel let me start out by saying great question thank you yeah you know uh so i would start with this the anus is a science word for buttholes we learned that um you know i mean so i think let's just start there it's important important to know that kind of anal August for us. It's broader than all that. It's not just about, you know, it's shoving things up the old turd cutter. Yeah. Yeah.

Our anuses have broadened over time, which we support, by the way. I mean, shove whatever in the old turd cutter as long as you're being. But remember, without a base, without a trace. Yeah. And I think that's important too. So we are using it as kind of a metaphor for being open, opening yourself up to new things. Your metaphorical butt.

Trying something. Yeah. But being prepared, lubing up, as it were, for new experiences. So there's kind of like a mental lube that that you guys would i would say this this whole episode right is what i would say for america and everyone listening it's like a it's a mental lube that we're really providing as a service yeah beautifully said beautifully said joel beautifully said i think it was naz on it was written who said lubricate your mental right yeah right um and so yeah but but also i mean we

should just as far as like you know the business of shoving things up your turd cutter of course you have to remember without a base without a trace so right so stay safe you know you're gonna want to make sure whatever you're shoving in there has a nice flared base because the butt will suck it in. Butts do suck things in. So you got to be careful about butt sucking. Which is odd. It's like the opposite of what their main talent is. So they they're they're like ambidextrous. Yeah, it's like I can. Yeah, right. It's like I can do it all. Just let someone could learn to write with their left hand after a meat slicing accident. Jordan, I'm glad that you brought up that in a lot of ways, this is a metaphor for being open to new experiences and so on and so forth. I would also add there's a second layer of metaphor, in my opinion,

which is it's not just a metaphor for being open. It's also a metaphor for stimulating the prostate. Right. Yes. Yes. Sure. So, yeah, so I think we want to take some calls. We have some momentous occasions. We have some segments.

But, yeah, I'd like to just, because it is Anal August, I'd like to just have a call to action. If there is anybody out there who is trying something new for Anal August. Now, this can be anal sex. 100%. It can be. If you're just talking about my wife put a finger in the butt and stimulated the prostate, that's awesome. We'd love to hear about it. It's going to feel great.

You're going to love it. But, I mean, this could be, you know, like taking a new vacation, trying a new dance craze, getting a new pet. We want to hear about all this stuff so so please give us a call 206-984-4fun and tell us how you're being open uh this august and if it's just a really widely gaped ass you know that's fine sure yeah give us a call give us call. We don't screen the calls. We don't. We don't even know how to work the microphone. A man put a hood over our heads and sat us down in these chairs. Okay.

206-9844-FUN or JJGO at MaximumFun.org. It's time for Momentous Occasions where you can give us a call to tell us about something momentous going on in your life here is one such telephone call hey Jordan hey Jesse hey Go hey potential guests probably Nick Repeat Adams I have a momentous occasion to share I just sent my first dick pic

I'm 37 years old been listening to the show since the beginning recently. I want episode 186. So hopefully you guys are still doing these. Peace. That's really nice. I've never sent a dick pic before.

It's a shame we're not still doing these. Bummer, bummer for this dude, huh? Yeah. You know, I'm proud of him emotionally. because that's a lot of confidence i didn't have a lot of confidence growing up you know i mean for a man to be that confident to really right to do that um emotionally you've come a long way sir uh but societally you you set us back you did um sure as a social as a social stunt, you, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I guess we should, before we talk about this and celebrate it any further, I guess, you know, let's assume that our listeners are nice people and this was a solicited dick pic. Yeah. Yeah, he actually called back to say that it was solicited. Thank you, Brian. Thank you, Brian. Good. Good information. Yeah.

So that's, so like, now we can kind of move forward with shaming him yeah uh no i mean yeah i i think you know if you're in a if you're in a if you're in a long distance something if you can't get together i mean sometimes yeah i guess it would kind of be a little presumptuous if he was going to see her tomorrow you know what i mean sometimes yeah i guess it would kind of be a little presumptuous if he was going to see her tomorrow you know i mean it's like uh right yeah he could have waited like maybe you know till i until she's in mexico you know looking forward to seeing you at the outback see it claim jumpers um yeah you know i mean i think with dick pics um god just lighting is so important lighting is so important and it's just and also like making sure there's not something embarrassing in the

background like making sure you they can't see that your tv is tuned to family feud like not being able to kind of see Steve Harvey in the background is very important. But hey, man, if Family Feud turns you on and that's how you get it up, I'm not judging anybody who's listening that that's for them too. Yeah.

I might judge a little. Yeah. I mean, I just think in my case, I'm not jacking off to Family Feud. Right. It's just a perfect soundtrack. Right. Yeah. You's just a perfect soundtrack. Right. Yeah, you're comfortable in the context.

You're like nestled in Family Feud. Exactly. And jerking off to something hornier. Sure, yeah. But it would be fun to try to time out, like time your orgasm to when he's going to say, Survey Says. That just might be like a fun.

Yeah. Bam! Oh, man. Good answer, good answer. Good answer, good answer. I would want to time it right before Steve Harvey looks down the barrel of that camera and says, can you believe these people?

You know what I mean? He doesn't actually say it, but he's saying it with his eyes. He says it with his eyes. Oh, boy boy is this my job i do think that one of the greatest lessons of the 21st century the time when people are filming themselves having sex and putting it on the internet willy-nilly right yeah um it's how many people i'm sorry can i plug my onlyFans really quickly? Yeah, real quick. Before we move too far. Yeah.

Sorry. I do think that one of the lessons of that, like one of the things we've learned, other than like, you know, there's this broad variety of bodies that can be beautiful and everyone is interested in their own sexuality and so on and so forth. That's all great. It's just like how many people are watching something on TV while they're fucking or they just didn't turn it off right like i think just the number of homemade pornography videos where the ball game is playing in the back sure or like an episode of friends you're like is that i think i've seen that one is that is that the chinese restaurant episode of seinfeld did someone pause halo really i don't know what these people are up to what's the story there anyway uh we have a lot of recurring segments on the program it's not just letters to burt reynolds

um and so the only thing is we have so many great ideas that we've thought of over the years that people love, so many original ideas that we've created and own that people love, that we just make sure that if you call into one of those segments, you just tell us what the segment is up top. That way we'll be reminded of one of the many great things that we thought of and own that everyone loves. And here is one person who did that. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guest. This is Max in Chicago, calling in for your beloved segment, Dennis Farina Name Dropping. A number of years ago,

my then girlfriend, now wife, worked on a movie made in Chicago where Dennis Farina was the lead role. And I got to go to the cast party and met him, was introduced to him. He seemed very nice and then kind of drifted off elsewhere. Later on in the evening, I was just kind of sitting in a chair, minding my own business. Dennis Farina comes up to me, doesn't say say a word just gives me an avuncular kind of attaboy rub on the shoulder

and then walks off again and that was the last interaction I ever had with Dennis Farina, R.I.P. Thank you Can I tell you, Jordan, what would happen if I went to a movie wrap party and Dennis Farina put his hand on my shoulder and gave me an avuncular attaboy.

You'd blast a t-shirt? I'd get home and it would be an Aunt Claudia situation. Panties to the ceiling. Just like when Aunt Claudia got a hug from Wesley Snipes. Joel, do you have a cherished minor interaction with a celebrity? Minor? Yeah, it could be major. Oh, man.

Or a cherished interaction with a mining celebrity. Ooh. You know, those are harder to come by. My quintessential one is, and we've talked about this on the show, but when I was in Santa Monica and Tyrese saw me across the street and vaguely recognized me from my time doing press junkets. And he said, hey, my man looking good. And I think this is this is along the lines of Dennis Farina slapping you on the back at a party.

You know, it's small, but you remember it for the rest of your life. Oh, man, that's that's romantic, too. I think he was trying to hit on you man did i did i miss my shot with tyree's it hey my man looking good i mean there's literally no one on earth who wouldn't have sex with tyree's that's very true right like there's asexual people who would fuck tyree's because just to get some time with that sure i'd want him to, I'm more of a fan of his singing career than his acting. So I would just do it just to have him sing to me. You know what I mean?

Right. Oh, that would be gorgeous. The poor man's Joe is what he was known as. The poor man's Joe. No. Can I say something about Dennis Farina real quick? You may. Did you know that Dennis Farina was originally a Chicago cop before he became an actor?

Interesting. Yeah, he got like tapped to be an actor. He was on set as a technical consultant or something. Somebody said, you should get into movies because you're really amazing. Which led to, this past year, I don't know if you saw this hashtag on Twitter, ACABADF, all cops are bastards except Dennis Farina. I didn't see that. I'm trying to be online less. I'm trying to be a little more present.

I'm extremely online, just like the late Dennis Farina. Oh, yeah. Farina's always shitposting, shitposting until the day he died. That guy fucking went into his hoot suite when he was on his deathbed and scheduled shitposting for after he was dead. Fucking hoot suite. He was ahead of his time, man. Make sure that after I die, people know I hated The Last Jedi.

They ruined Luke. Donate my mustache to Gamergate Charities. Gamergate charities. Gamergate charities. Are the Gamergate people doing charitable work? They fight for ethics in video game journalism. Right.

Oh, my. Dennis Farina, big Gamergator. Joel, you've had your chance. What's your celebrity interaction, Joel? I do remember a good one uh i cheated obviously because i was writing for a show uh but i wrote for a show where hallie berry rap battled james corden oh and i wrote for her battle i wrote her some jokes one of those days where i didn't get to see her, though, all day. Didn't get to see her.

I'm, you know, working on set. So I've end of the day. I noticed she's leaving her trailer and I go, fuck it, dude. I got to meet Halle Berry. I mean, you got to. Right. I mean, you got your shot, Joel. Sure.

Your shot, bro. I mean, she was in between all those whatever men she dates. So I was like, fuck it and i walk up to her she's getting out of the trailer and i go hey hallie uh i'm joel i'm one of the writers i didn't get to say hi to you today i work for your battle great job i just want to say one thing and i looked at her dead in her beautiful eyes first of all she smells she smells amazing i believe it i believe it i believe it can you imagine can you imagine a stanky halle berry no it's impossible to imagine dude i mean after a full day's work she smells like like like she just walked out of like a uh like a hair salon

like just like her skin is made of roses oh beautiful. And I said very, very dead seriously. I was like, Hallie, before you go, I really got to tell you one thing. Your best performance, boomerang. Straight up. Wow. And she took that in. She really did. Obviously, she made her laugh.

Her whole team or makeup folks are cracking up. But I was dead serious. I think her best performance, fuck Gothica, fuck Monsters Ball and all that shit that she won for. Joel, I was so worried you were going to say Swordfish. I was so worried that the story was going to you talking about her famous topless scene in Swordfish. And I am glad you are too classy for that yeah i'll boomerang all the time all day okay we'll be back in just a second on jordan jessica hi i'm annabelle gerrich and i'm Laura House. And we're the hosts of Tiny Victories. My tiny victory is that I sewed that button back on the day after it broke.

We talk about that little thing that you did that's a big deal to you, but nobody else cares. Did you get that Guggenheim Genius Award? We don't want to hear from you. We want little bitty tiny victories. My tiny victory is a tattoo that I added onto this past weekend. Let's talk about it. My victory is that I'm one year cancer free. But my tiny victory is that I took all of the cushions off the couch, pounded them out, put them back, and it looks so great. So if you're like us and you want to celebrate the tiny achievements of ordinary people, listen to Tiny Victories.

It's on every Monday on Maximum Fun. Hi, I'm Biz. And I'm Teresa. And we're the hosts of One Bad Mother, a podcast about parenting. Parenting is hard, and we have no advice. But we do see you doing it honk if you like to do it didn't we have a bumper sticker a while back that was like honk if you did it that's what it was I think it was honk if you're doing it why did we not ever make them we did make them I think they're still in the max fun store hon Honk, honk. You're doing it. Thanks, Biz. So are you.

Each week, we'll be here to remind you that you're doing a good job. You can find us on MaximumFun.org. Honk, honk. Toot, toot. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hey, guys.

Joel Boyd, T-shirt cannon. Jordan, did you ever get to use the T-shirt? I know you and Chris Fairbanks did a few events in your action sports days where there were T-shirt cannons. Did you ever actually get to use the T-shirt cannon? Here's the fucked up part. No. Isn't that fucked up no isn't that fucked up isn't that fucked up i was in i did you had to do unscripted comedy for skate teams yes outdoors and you weren't even allowed

to be the one using the t-shirt cannon no is there like a is like a safety hazard or what they say i don't know i mean i think that i think that maybe is there a school for shooting a t-shirt cannon yeah i know you need to be certified it's like scuba diving you have to be a fully certified gritty to shoot the t-shirt cannon you're like well he hasn't reached fanatic with a ph status yet so you gotta earn belts yeah you gotta earn shirts you gotta you're not a black shirt bro you can't yeah no i've never operated a t-shirt cannon and i'll probably die without getting the chance so god we should buy a t-shirt cannon you know one time i was at uh bumbershoot and i went to see the human giant show you know our friend

friends rob hubel and paul sheer and uh uh aziz ansari who we don't know they they were doing a human giant show and they had a fucking t-shirt cannon in the show. And I was like, yeah, I guess all comedy shows should have this because this rules. This is great, this part where they're shooting the t-shirt cannon. I love this.

Yeah, I mean, obviously, you know, kind of touring and live show type stuff is still kind of up in the air these days. I think we would love to do it. Um, you know, it's as soon as, as soon as it's safe,

as soon as it's reasonable. So yeah, I mean, maybe we should invest in a t-shirt cannon for the next Jordan, Jesse go tour and just see how artificially pumped up we can get our audience of NPR donating Funko pop collectors. Can I say Jordan, there is one thing that might be an issue with this. Right.

So T-shirt cannons are not cheap. And I know that we had agreed upon a budget. I did spend it on a basketball hoop and a diagonal trampoline. Okay. I think we could use this. Yeah. So I've been thinking some fancy dunks

would be what we would be presenting. I'm actually just, this will be fun. I'm pricing this right now. Yeah. I'm just typed, I just went into an e-commerce website. Fogdog.com.

I went to Fogdog.com. I wrote in T-shirt cannon and it automatically auto-filled launcher gun. So T-shirt cannon, launcher gun. Yeah. I'm pricing these. Let's do it Price is Right style. What do you guys think? Jesse, you go first.

Joel, I'll let you uh okay are these powder actuated are these pneumatic how what's the what's the mechanism on these so i've got three here the bleacher reacher pro t-shirt air cannon silver oh good is there there's i don't want any amateur ones so So T-shirt cannon micro mini silver. So this is like, it looks about the same as the bleacher reacher, but it's a little more of a, it doesn't have like a, it doesn't have a bump stock attached to it. She fucking Dianne Feinstein stood in the way of.

Yeah. And then we have the air cannon stress ball gatling gun so this is a literal gatling gun i saw one of these at the clippers game one time and it was it was pretty amazing i'm gonna say let's talk about the bleacher reacher let's talk yeah let's go bleacher reacher that seems like the classic yeah this is the great this is just the great down the middle tmiddle t-shirt canon. By the way, when I was in high school, I dated a cheerleader and got a couple of bleacher reachers. All right, all right.

I was just dating my wife at the time, actually. So, yeah, Jesse, what do you think for the bleacher reacher? I'm going to go $240. $240? $240 for a bleacher reacher i'm gonna go 240 240 240 for a bleacher reacher all right joel man i think that's i think that's low i feel like it's gotta be at least i'm gonna say 399 because this is like this is what i'm thinking here jordan yeah let's know let's let's talk it out. This is like buying a camera. So you can buy a consumer camera, and you could get that for $50, easy. And get yourself a perfectly good camera.

You can use a fucking camera in your phone if you're just talking about a basic consumer camera. One step up, that's your Pro-Am. You know, that's your $800 camera. You know what I mean? Like, that's something with a nice piece of glass on it that you can use. You can change your f-stops and whatnot. But it's not what the pros use. When you go professional, you can spend any amount of money.

You can buy a $10,000 camera when you're talking professional. And we've already established that the Bleacher Reacher is a professional equipment. This is what Gritty uses. This is what Lucille uses. Mr. Met. Stomper. Okay. Okay, so we have locked in guesses.

Jesse, what was yours? $245? $240. $340. What did I say? $240. Joel went above me. I said $240. Yeah340. What did I say? $240. Joel went above me. I said $240.

Yeah, and I went, I think, $399. Well, Joel Boyd, you are the winner of T-shirt cannon. Price is right, although neither of you were close. The Bleacher Reacher Pro T-shirt cannon, $1,325. $25 shipping. What the fuck? The Micro Mini, $735. The Air Cannon Gatling Gun, $4300 shipping.

Can we just go on Craigslist and get this? Yeah, right. Trade some camping chairs for it. Last time we went on tour, Jordan, we just sent Brian with $20 to the dollar store to buy inflatable palm trees. Well, looks like we're having to up our game. This is going to be the best live podcast tour ever. Wow.

Maybe we got to buy t-shirts, Jordan. Let's just get beefy tees. Let's not get the soft ones. No, we can't afford t-shirts. We're just blasting people with the air from the gun. Joel, can I ask something of you? Yeah, sure. Would you have any interest in going on tour with us?

Is this just a way for you to get a cheaper T-shirt, Hannah? Yeah. I mean, that's sort of my idea. The Bleacher Reacher? Because I'm charging Bleacher Reacher money. That's right. We're giving you all the pineapples you can eat okay uh joel boyd um you can find him oh you're writing for

you're writing for a new television program that's about to come out yeah man uh it's it's a great show mostly for uh kids who are in love with their ovens uh it's a disney kids baking show and it stars your favorite disney stars isaac ryan brown and dara renee uh and it's going to be on disney channel i believe august 15th check it out it's hilarious uh it's amazing mine is donald duck joel donald duck is my favorite donald duck yeah donald duck uh well uh not your favorites america's favorites that would be mickey mouse i think probably mickey mouse well he's a little he's a little high maintenance but the two people you said are those in the descendants soants? So they're in other really successful shows.

Isaac Ryan Brown, you might know as one of the main son on Raven's Home. And then Dara Renee is one of the cast members in the ensemble of High School Musical, the series. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That sounds great. Yeah, it, yeah. That sounds great. Yeah, it's really, really fun, man. High energy. I'm going to watch this with my child because we are out of episodes of Nailed It to watch.

Need a new show. Maybe she's not as excited as I am about watching America's Test Kitchen, which was my suggestion. I said, let's watch America's Test Kitchen. I like the equipment reviews. But she wasn't as into that.

Okay, Joel is also, you can find Joel on Twitter at joelboydtv or you can find his link tree at linktr.ee slash joelboydtv and you can find him on all the social media platforms, Google Wave, the whole nine yards. Yes, sir.

Soon to change everything to T-shirt canon, but for now, we're going to leave it. Right. Yeah, sure. Just for now. Hey, a little plug from yours truly, if you don't mind. As faithful listeners know, we were running a little internal contest to see which independent bookstore could get the most pre-orders of our bubble graphic novel that is available now. The winner of that contest was Changing Hands Bookstore in Phoenix, Arizona. I went out there a couple days ago to sign some books.

So I signed a bunch for them, so they still have some signed copies if that's if you haven't gotten your copy of our bubble graphic novel yet and want one signed by just me and not the rest of the creative team. You can give Changing Hands Bookstore a call. They ship anywhere in the world. They're a great, great little local shop. They were so nice. Such cool folks. Great store. Yeah. So if you're in the Phoenix area, you can grab one from there. But if you're not in the Phoenix area and still want one, give them a call. They're nice people. Changing Hands Bookstore. I'll ask Brian to put the link to their shop in the show notes. So if you want a signed copy, that's a great place to get it. And speaking of Jordan's new book, Bubble, as part of his

whirlwind promotional tour for the smash hit graphic novel, Bubble, Jordan has been making a lot of awesome podcast appearances. You know, the folks on the Reddit have been tracking his great podcast appearances. I will plug two of them. Jordan was on with our friends from the Flophouse. We talk a lot about our friends from the Flophouse because I like to go to Pie and Burger with Elliot Kalin. But the Flophouse truly hilarious program. Jordan was

really hilarious on that program. So go check out the Flophouse. Download that episode. And Jordan also has been contributing to my NPR show, Bullseye. And Jordan just did a great interview with Busy Phillips, the hilarious and wonderful Busy Phillips. So go find that on the Bullseye feed. Yeah, that was a blast. Busy Phillips is great.

And boy, howdy, that Girls 5 Eva show is real funny. Yeah, a lot of funny in Girls 5 Eva. Busy Phillips, super funny. Paula Pell, very funny. Very funny, Paula Pell. Valerie Moffat minding the stream for us this week. If you want to watch Jordan Jesse Go taping, this week.

Uh, if you want to watch Jordan, Jesse go taping, um, probably mostly are streaming them mostly on Sunday evening, specific time. So, uh, like us on Facebook,

go to facebook.com slash Jordan, Jesse go where to look. We're not making any promises here. We're doing the best we can. Uh, Brian Fernandez, our producer on the show. Our theme music is love You by The Free Design.

Thanks to The Free Design and to their label, Light in the Attic Records. Wonderful record label. We look, we say this every once in a while, but there's this record called Kites Are Fun, the best of The Free Design that's out on Light in the Attic. And The Free Design are a genuinely remarkable group, very influential on groups like Stereolab and others in the sort of beautiful sounding indie music vein. Free Design, just wonderful, beautiful records, very life affirming. So go check those out. You can find us on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com.

On Facebook, as we mentioned, at Facebook.com slash JordanJesseGo. We're on Twitter at Jordan underscore Morris and at Jesse Thorne. Happy anal August to everyone. Without a base, without a trace. Give us a call, 206-9844-FUN, or send us a voice memo at JJGo at MaximumFun.org, and we'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jesse Go. voice memo at jjgoe at maximumfund.org and we'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jesse Go. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.