Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 70: Listen Up Gramps!

Episode Date: August 18, 2008

Jesse is away! So Jordan, Gene and special guest Chris Fairbanks have themselves a little fun.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, maddy, twiddle, dum, twiddle, Jesse Go, Jesse's away on his honeymoon, so I'll be joined by big-time Gene O'Neill and comedian Chris Fairbanks. Let's go.

This is Jordan, Jesse Go. I am Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm big-time Gene O'Neill. We are joined by stand-up comedian and now I guess officially television personality, Chris Fairbanks. Chris Fairbanks, welcome back to the program. Thank you. Thank you for having me. You may recognize Chris Fairbanks from his appearances doing stand-up on Comedy Central, perhaps as a correspondent for Fuel Television. Okay, yes. And now, most recently, he is on the Comedy Central program Reality Bites Back.

Reality Bites Back. But you wouldn't recognize me as Chris Fairbanks on that because they only say my first name. Okay. That was something I realized. So you play Chris. Yeah, I'm Chris. Gotcha. Without a first name. Okay. That was something I realized. So you play Chris. Yeah, I'm Chris. Gotcha. Without a last name.

Okay, but you would maybe prefer that they were giving you the full billing. Or that my name was Ant or Tig. Gotcha. Or one word. Sure. Or Madonna. I'll go with Madonna, too.

Well, you're like a Brazilian soccer star now. Yeah, exactly. You go by one name. That and the fancy footwork i have that in common and dying in a plane crash i do prefer to call it football and doing lots of cocaine you know those other stereotypes about south american soccer players do brazilian soccer players do a lot of coke i mean football i know there was this one guy that did oh well then that's all of them i will say

this their women have impressive behinds am i right fellas i've seen enough i know that sound effect will let you know the shape of it yeah yeah for the deaf out there who are wondering what kind of woman i was talking about did he just say something about a vase? No. Different shape. Gracious woman. So you'll note, loyal listeners will note that Jesse Thorne is not present. He is on his honeymoon in Maui, I think. Loyal listeners are like, hey, wait a second. Why is this show so good?

Why is this show so good? And Gene, I guess just to reset for all the non-super fans out there, Gene did the original college radio version of this podcast with me and Jesse back in UC Santa Cruz, and he sometimes pops in to share a bon mot with us. Bon mot. Excuse me. Crudité. Sure.

French French. French stuff. Oui, oui. Yeah. Ah, true. Don't pretend to understand it. Anyways, so Chris, you're on this, last time we talked you were not consistently on television, not on basic cable anyways.

Right. And now you are. For people who have not seen Reality Bites Back, can you give a little, just a quick primer as to what goes on on this program? They approached 10 comics to be in an episodic spoof of reality shows. So each episode is spoofing a different genre of reality. Okay. Like you got the house episode and then you got the... Like the Big Brother episode. Yeah, the Big Brother.

It's not like the procedural drama house. Right, exactly. There's no procedure. Sure. And then there's the seduction rock of love one. And then So You Think You Can Dive was the one I watched last night. Parodying American gladiators. And there's

Almost American Gladiators. That was pretty racial. We were immigrants and all the gladiators were playing Border Patrol and it was a completely Latino audience and I felt uncomfortable the whole time. That was a good time.

It sounds like Comedy Central is It was a completely Latino audience, and I felt uncomfortable the whole time. That was a good time. Wow. It sounds like Comedy Central is another example of their patented brand of envelope pushing. Oh, man. They should work at the post office. Right. I'm glad reality TV is finally getting called out. Yeah, right? Yeah.

It's been living a sheltered life, I feel like. Yeah. Sacred cow. Nobody wants to go after it. I think we can finally say it. It's a little silly. I know, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

String me up. Yikes. Finally, back the hate mail truck right up here. And they are pointing the finger at it a little bit, but when I was on it, I felt like, hey, did we get tricked into being on a regular reality show as I was sweating and fighting a weightlifter? So there's actually a cash prize at the end of this, right?

Yeah, and there's eliminations, and they made us eliminate each other occasionally, and that was horrible because I had become friends with these guys. And then you have to decide who leaves, and there was tears. It was like, wait, I didn't sign up for this. You form any alliances, Chris. I'm told in these things one has to form an alliance. Early on, Theo Vaughn went up to each of us. I think he went up to each of us.

I think it was a smart move for him to do it. It was up to him to eliminate the first person, and then he just came up to me and said, I changed my mind, you owe me one. I think he said that to everyone, so he formed an alliance with everyone right off the bat. I thought that was pretty smart. Are there any showmances or parodies

of showmances? It was in our contract. There would be no open mouth kissing. Certainly no sex. Really? Yeah, that was part of the deal. And you didn't rip the contract in half? You know I did. And then I rotated 90 and ripped those halves

in half. And I said, I ain't working for your man. And then I said, never mind, I am. Just kidding. This is a fake contract to carry around with me. It's a gag contract. You didn't look closely, but this is a piece of Kleenex with marker scribbles.

Gotcha, Comedy Central. Give me some money. And they did. I've never made money before. It seems like the on-camera Frenching is kind of the reality show staple these days. Especially with the second episode was the seduction one, and they picked Lunel. I can't remember her last name, but she's in Borat.

She's a larger, older woman. Yeah, you know, actually, the movie that I had a few lines in recently that has yet to be released to theaters. Come on, Jordan. Go ahead. Say the name of the movie. Tell us all the actors that were in it. Okay. It's a direct-to-DVD Starship Troopers sequel.

Not three that just came out. It's four. It's not out-to-DVD Starship Troopers sequel. Not three that just came out. It's four. It's not out yet. Seriously? You totally set us up for that. I was so excited. This is a Sandra Bullock rom-com that's not out yet. Anyway, she was in it and just called everyone motherfuckers behind the back.

Oh, yeah. And she did not like me at all at first. She seems filled with hate. I had a handlebar mustache in the beginning, and she thought I was a redneck, and she had it out for me the whole time. Plus, the first thing I said to her was, is there a broken mirror in your pocket

because it looks like your pussy is seven years bad luck? I thought that would be funny to say, but she was very upset. They told us to have pickup lines. The woman is sensitive about her pussy. Yeah, oh, and she doesn't want it to be like a black cat or put it under a ladder. Those are both things that are bad

luck. And places you don't want your Virginia vagina. Really? Just Virginia came out? Yeah, thanks mom. Yeah, thanks mom for teaching me how to swear without really swearing. Fazzle Duke! Don't try to figure out women, audience. They'd be crazy as far as I can tell.

Yeah. But then she ended up liking, but to seduce her, I really did fully make out with this woman. Yeah? And while we were in the dark, it was like black. But not open mouth. It was very open, and tongues were about. And they said. Did they yell cut?

Someone said, no open mouth kissing, please. And then I thought I would get sued. But they didn't show that. So no one really knows why all of a sudden she didn't pick me. I think because I shaved my mustache for her and i made out with her i think she said okay you're willing to go the extra mile desperate comedian and and that's what i am um so so chris you um you are a professional stand-up comedian you tour occasionally you're you're on like myself you're on fuel tv pretty regularly. But is it fair to say that this is the most you've ever been on a popular television network?

Oh, yeah, for sure. Like, and every week. Yeah, right. And have you noticed any kind of change in anything? Are more people coming up to you? Are you getting more trim? I expected more. I expected more i expected more details i expected more trim and i get recognized occasionally by like 14 or 15 year old girls in a mall like i think

that's who watches this and and what time does this come on noon this is on at noon right no see that's it it's on at 10.30, which is good. It's after the gong show. I think people are watching the gong show and then not this show. Maybe because they don't like reality TV. Maybe the people that watch Comedy Central aren't tuning in for, I can't even think of a reality, Survivor. Sure, good. Married with Children is also on at 10.30 on some channel

like a horse and carriage they go together sure well that's why I haven't been watching because of the love and marathon of the thing we mentioned there's a few no ma'am episodes I haven't seen you can always count on a no ma'am episode being good yeah Married with Children was good

when it got crazy and had all those additional friends and stuff like that. Yeah, once the dogs started talking a little more. Yeah. As soon as they had more inner monologue with the dog and then they'd spend a little more time out in the living room and in the shoe store where the dad worked. I remember there was one where Bud had a college radio show toward the end.

Really? Anyway. Did he comb his hair during it? Don't know. I do remember him brushing his hair a lot. Sure. Well, you know, you want to, as an actor, you want to have some stage business to do, and that's just what, you know, Bud's like, I don't know what to do with my hands.

That's his thing that he does. Yeah. Yeah. He's the hair brusher. You need your own gesticulation. Sure. And his was to brush hair. So other than the occasional

point by a 15 year old in a mall, there's no... Chris Fairbank's lifestyle has remained the same. A couple more MySpace requests. Okay. But yeah, no, I can safely go anywhere and not be bothered. Well, that's... That's all I want,

people. Please don't bother me. I know that now that my career is off to the horse races, can we at least leave me alone even when I'm desperately looking for recognition? Thank you. You had a jaunt to Vegas recently. Was that because of the show? It was a little bit.

I was opening for Kyle Cease, who's a comic who was on the first episode. Gotcha. And that's how we met. So, yeah, it was a result of that. But they didn't, Comedy Central didn't say, hey, we need you to go to Vegas and breathe recycled air for four days. Right.

This isn't the promotional Reality Bites Back comedy tour. No, I was hoping. The Kings of Reality Bites Back tour. I wanted, yeah. Oh, that's a good name. It is. Let, I was hoping. The Kings of Reality Bites Back tour. I wanted, yeah. Oh, that's a good name. It is. Let's write that down. The Kings of something.

On a napkin and then I'll rip it in half. Although it's usually followed by a race. Yeah, the Kings of the Superior Race. What are you saying? Yeah. That was your words, right? The Kings of White. Wow.

The only reason I said wow is because that's another good name. Jerk. Yeah. People think it's something that has to do with World of Warcraft, though. Oh, man. If I could just tune in with some kid across the country and play games with him late at night online. You do that stuff, don't you, Jordan? You know, I don't do anything online.

I'm kind of this odd breed of geek still trying to figure out what this whole worldwide internet thing is yeah i can check my email sometimes if my uh daughter helps me my daughter has to help me get online and she helps me look at my forwards and my blonde jokes the guys from the office and right right um yeah i'm kind of this odd breed of geek who uh has no technical skills and that includes being able to get online for an online game like i can't do that it's too seems like too much for me i would rather just uh just just play my playstation 2 version of street fighter 3 all night by myself no yeah keep it to yourself right yeah that's the one thing i don't like about the new video game world

is that it's become social. Yeah, to me it's always been kind of a solitary activity, kind of akin to novel reading. They're anti-social. Yeah, right,

exactly. That's what, yeah, you do it to slip into an elaborate fantasy world where you have a gun and a huge cop. I can't deal,

I can't deal with people. Novel reading. So please give me this video game. You know, and, and, and, and, and, yes, that's ridiculous, but it kind of, for me, fills that same space.

It's not something that I want to get pumped up while I'm doing. When I watch representations of video game playing on TV, and people are like, Fuck, yeah! And I'm like, no, when I play video games, I'm very quiet and still. It's soothing for you? Yeah, it is. No matter how intense and violent and loud techno music having the thing is, it's my quiet time.

It's my time away. I used to take naps while listening to Slayer. Really? Yeah, I thought it was soothing. I don't anymore. You like a good nightmare then. I do. I like a good sweaty fever dream.

Yeah, right? That's why you intentionally injected malaria, right? I have put a tsetse fly in all of your urethras. Now let's party. That didn't make much sense at all. So I guess one last item in our Chris Fairbanks check-in, and then we can move on to talking about me and my butt. Terrific.

But you recently told an older couple to fuck off. Tell us about that. Oh, man. Was that the punchline? No, no. Was the title of the story the punchline? You just vividly brought back that I did that. It's like if the title of The Sixth Sense was Guys Dead the Whole Time. Yeah. But you don't know it. brought back that i did that it's like if the if the title of the sixth sense was uh guys dead the

whole time yeah but you don't know it check out his shirt in scene four yeah i uh was moving my car i have a new car which is good i've never had a new car is this comedy central money that you bought yeah yeah i didn't have a car when i was needing to get rides and I was taking taxis to get to the show, and I knew that that was the first thing I was going to get. So I didn't buy at least a new Honda Accord. It's not, like, flashy. But it's a new car. It's great.

So I have this old car, this Acura, that's always giving me trouble. It's got a cracked head gasket, whatever that is. Yeah. Oh, that'll kill you. Yeah, it will, or it'll create a lot of smoke. A defective car part. It is a part that clearly needs replacement, but it's too expensive according to my real gearhead it is uh yes this is one of the technical things you've are well stooped in i it's totaled but i still

have it so i need to move it on street cleaning day so i started it the other day and it smoked so much like sweet smelling smoke yeah because it was it's coolant like hey it's a good problem yeah oh yeah there's a funnel cake in there who doesn't like burnt cake neighbors and they were all staring at me like angrily like people everyone i guess has a heightened awareness now because of al gore or whatever so they were all all my neighbors all at once but some guy honked at me as i did a u-turn and parked my car and flipped me off like get a new car like he actually said that i'm having what if i'm having car trouble like what

if it had just happened no one saw me get in and yeah yeah it was just so strange and then i got out of my car and i'm already and sweaty, and the F word was already coming out of my mouth at nobody. And then these old people were walking by, and they had floppy sun hats, and they were on a walk together. But it was bizarre how they just kept staring at me, and they weren't looking away. The lady's lips were pursed together, and she was just staring. They may have had a disease, Chris.

It was weird. Yeah, maybe. So when I got out may have had a disease, Chris. It was weird. Yeah, maybe. So when I got out, I said, hi, hi. And they just kept walking slowly and staring at me, and it was kind of creepy. And then I was like, what? And they kept looking at me, and I'm like, well, maybe. And I just pretended to do something, and I walked over.

Refold and refold a map, maybe. Oh, this handle door is interesting. Let me tinker with that and then i looked again and sticking a little more than you'd like still looking at me and and then she started to shake her head and i and i lost it and and fuck you came out of my mouth like yell i yelled it wow and they're old they were like holding hands they're like an old couple probably walking to their grave but they i you had to make their last few seconds on earth unpleasant I didn't realize how old they were

I'm like they're 60 So what my dad's 60 he can be told to fuck off I think they were more like 70 something But when I yelled it And probably because they didn't have their hearing aids on They didn't seem to react They probably didn't have their adult diapers on either So they shit their pants And Yeah, what's up?

You told them to fuck off. Kick you right in the colostomy sack. I have a Viagra boner. Yeah, what's your wrinkly, lifeless, flaccid wank? You should have yelled that at the old guy. And then, uh... They probably had high cholesterol. Yeah, yeah. Oh man, don't get me started. Yeah.

Where's your needle medicine? Isn't it three o'clock? I like real specific diabetes jokes. Wilfordimley called you're about to be tits up grandpa but you're in a jam commercial yeah just for no reason a guitar riff and uh and but they just get your grandson of worthers that make out with him yeah why don't you give someone some hard candy and then i do a peel out of my BMX bike. Which is motorized now so you can peel out. Yeah, exactly. I got a motorized

BMX bike. Some people call it a motorcycle, but they're from the strange future. I got a motorized BMX. What were we talking about? They just never stopped. Even after I said fuck you, they didn't go. Oh, angry. I felt bad.

But then they kept staring and kept walking like children in the corn, eerie. And I'm like, okay, they're just weird. But then I realized my car was smoking so much, I think they thought my car was on fire. Like they were concerned. Because I look back and it was still just billowing. And that's when I felt really bad. And I took a nap yesterday for most of the day. Because of that?

Yeah, it was a sad nap. I just sleep it off. Yeah, I felt bad. You were napping to forget. I learned a lot and I'm going to respect my elders, even though they're just people and they can be assholes too, right? Sure, right. Diaper ass. Diaper wearing.

Sorry, here I go again. I told an old guy, fuck you, once and it feels good for like a second yeah he's like yeah i stood up to somebody but then you're like well it was an old guy what what were the circumstances under which you told an old man to fuck off uh it was something like i i remember i was in traffic and like an old guy was like in two lanes you know and like i like honked and shouted at him like you know get the fuck over grandpa yes you even added the gray yeah yeah he said i am a grandpa is that what he said yeah and he showed you pictures of his grandkids through the window he pressed them up against the window he thought i was just making an

observation he said sam after a soccer game. This is one in the hospital. He's very sick. And this is one I forget. That's him shitting. Am I right, guys? His car explodes. Old people will do that.

They do. Ah, they're weak sphincters. Well, we hate the old. Yeah. Hey, thanks for listening to our program. Stick around for more Jordan, Jesse, Go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, go. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm big time Gene O'Neill. We are joined by Chris Fairbanks of the Comedy Central program Reality Bites Back. Hi! Sorry, I'm finishing a pita chip.

Yeah, between that last bit and this bit, we recently bounded into Jesse's kitchen. Would you say we bounded? I'd say we raided his fridge. Yeah, that makes it sound cooler. Yeah, like we're in a Tom Cruise movie from the 80s. The whole time I was wearing Ray-Bans and playing saxophone.

Cool. And like you had a blazer with the sleeves pushed up, right? I don't know. I didn't know he had a fog machine in his kitchen. Yeah. Anyways, we bounded into Jesse's kitchen and we're eating his granola bars and drinking his beer. Which he doesn't drink, right? It's for guests.

It's not even his beer. It's for us. Yeah. There you go. Thank you, Jesse. Yeah. Thanks for the cold one, Jesse. Here's what you're missing.

That's not a realistic drinking noise. It's a little presentational for the radio. If anyone out there doesn't know, Jordan drinks beer like a baby on a nipple. It's more like a hamster at a giant water bottle chris yeah i re i resent the implication that i'm some sort of baby man i'm a hamster man i'm a half man half hamster that's almost worse it's considerably worse than half man half baby do you guys like that commercial for whatever it is where the guy's half horse and he never he says i'm two things a man and a and then but he never says horse he says

and a good provider or a good shopper i have not it makes me laugh i don't know i don't want to talk about tv yeah right but it reminded me of that he He's a centuron. What is it? Centaur. A centaur. What's a centuron? I think that's a star system. There's the Hyundai Tiburon. Oh, that's what I'm talking about. That car that looks like a shark. Tiburon, of course, is Spanish for shark. Shark, sure. Yes. You're thinking of a

shark car. This whole time, I don't know why I talked about a dude and some horse and a soap. I was talking about the famous shark car. Shark car. Shark car. Anyways. Yeah.

So, okay. How about this, guys? We're a bunch of dudes. Yep. We got brews in hand. Yeah. Come on. In the theater of the mind.

Would you mind if I got a little salty? All right. the mind would you would you mind if i got a little salty all right uh this is something i i is there something sticking in your craw jordan yeah i actually have a little granola bar on my upper tooth oh no but he meant theoretically like i'm about to go on a rant yeah yes dennis miller style rant i was trying to prompt you have some kind of a fire under your ass? Yeah. Or wait, have I lit a fire in your ass? No, you have wild hair. That's a good thing.

It's a wild hair. A wild hair. Do you have a rabbit that's on fire shoved up your ass? I mean, do you want to say something? Yes. Do you have a boner in your butt that you'd like to talk about? Do you have some kind of a boner that's been tattooed like a rabbit that someone burned and put in your ass? Yes.

Something unpreferable is in your buttocks. No, no. What Chris said. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. I was right. That last one was right. So, fellas, I was watching a blue movie the other day.

Oh, speaking of. A blue movie. A stag film, if you will. Do you want to dress that up a little more, Jordan? This is a mature audience. Sorry. You found some reel-to-reels in your dead-end basement? I did, of a magic lantern show where the women were without their bloomers.

A film depicting illicit Congress. Sure. And the particular theme of this... Buttfuck's Let's Go Nuts 5? No, I can't start in the middle. Oh. I can't find one through four, and I'm just afraid I'll be lost. Yeah, you'll be lost, yeah.

It's like those Lord of the Rings movies. They just pick up right where the other one left off. Yeah. Like, if you haven't seen one through four, you are fucked, my friend. And not in the way these butt sluts are being fucked. You are confused. Well, they do do a previously. Oh, do they? Previously on Buttfuck Sluts are being fucked. You are confused. Well, they do do a previously. Oh, do they?

Previously on butt fuck sluts going on. Unless it's for the TV. I'm watching on DVD via Netflix, so they don't. Yeah. You know, some DVDs will put the previously. Like, I got the Dexter. Oh, yeah. And every Dexter starts with previously on it.

It's like, yeah, I'm watching the DVD. Yeah, no need for that. Yeah, they do that on Reality Bites Back, too. Do they? Yeah, I hate to bring that up again. Yeah, right? But they do do that. I don't know if you guys know I'm on this show. Yeah, blah need for that. Yeah, they do that on Reality Bites Back, too. Do they? Yeah, I hate to bring that up again. Yeah, right? But they do do that. I don't know if you guys know I'm on this show.

Blah, blah, I'm on a hit television series that's currently playing. But if it's not one consistent story like it would be with Buttbangers Volume 1 through 7, there's no need to know our motivation. Anyway, never mind. Forgive the digression. Why are they having sex in number five? Anyway, never mind Forgive the digression Why are they having sex at number five?

Here's the thing about this particular one The theme of it was An inexperienced An inexperienced Kind of younger gal Goes Is feeling bashful about her lack of sexual experience As she should

Right How come you haven't fucked anyone yet? Sounds like you need to go on an audition. So she goes to a very attractive sex therapist who's also a lady.

Ooh. And this lady proceeds to show her, you know, to catch her up on all the, you know, carnal

illicitness that she's missed out on being a prude. This is the story of the film, and everything's going great. We're all enjoying ourselves. What's going – like she dives into her box. Huh? Sorry. I just want some elaboration. I don't have access to pornography.

Well, here's the thing. And then when everything's going good, everything's grand, and then the inexperienced woman's clothes come off, revealing a giant Egyptian-themed back tattoo. Wow. We're talking bird head guy, giant eyeball, cross with circle at the top. Just giant wall of pyramid, Egyptian-themed back tattoo. Which is making you doubt her experience, maybe, or lack of experience.

Wait, is this part of the story? Like, it's a Rosetta Stone on her back? Right, he's like, let's stop having this lesbian sex for a while and figure out where Christ's disciples are buried. If you haven't had experience, why is there a target on your lower back? Oh, you know, I was actually watching National Treasure starring Nicolas Cage. Starring Nicolas Cage? Yeah, that's what you were thinking about, right?

Yeah, that's what I was masturbating to. Anything Disney. Right, yep. It's fine. It's PG, so you can take the kids. It's still very exciting. John Voight. Is sex therapist a real thing? Huh? Is that a real thing? I don't know. That's a very exciting. John Voight. Is sex therapist a real thing?

Huh? Is that a real thing? I don't know. That's a good question. Because that's like half the plot of like plots of Shannon Tweed movies is she's like a sex therapist. Sure, and she gets in too deep. And she moves in. She gets in too deep.

Yeah, she gets in too deep. Yeah, she needs an alarm system installed. So who was my... I'm talking about night eyes. The issue with this is that seeing that back tattoo and thinking to myself, excuse me, wow, this is getting...

I'm sorry. This has become a real-life beltie dude. You guys want to watch some Spike TV? I hear they have a lunchbox show. Spike TV. That's all dudes do is watch Spike. UFC. Watch some Tim Allen. Watch Spike. UFC. Yeah.

Watch some Tim Allen stand-up. Yeah. He knows what I'm thinking. Seeing this back tattoo and being reminded that the actress in the film was not the doe-eyed ingenue that she was portraying totally ruined it for me. And I had to just turn it off and do half's work. I totally – I know what you're saying and I can imagine yeah it wouldn't bother me it does you could not stop thinking if you're gonna have a plot at least as thin of a plot as it might be have it be believable don't have her be yeah anyways lower back egyptian can you guys can you guys relate are there are there did you get your money back? I didn't pay for this.

Oh. Did you sound like something I would go to see in a theater? No, I thought maybe, you know, you ordered a DVD over there. So you pirated the porn? It's all torrents and... You know, there's not going to be porn anymore if we all keep looking at it for free.

Someone has to be paying for it. Well, I send a PayPal donation. Yeah, every year I call PBS. Sure, right. I have a tote bag. The tote bag has a dick on it. Yeah, you have a vivid tote bag. Are there any deal breakers for you guys

when it comes to the blue movies? Is there something that you will absolutely not tolerate? Probably anything less than six penises present. Yeah. I want triple DPp sure yeah real boobs gross yeah right come on you're professionals you're professionals no yeah i i wonder if there is i they're violent now they're the new ones there's like a lot of there's uh punching and spitting and slapping. Have you seen that?

No, I haven't experienced that. Okay, I'm getting weird. There's a guy in town. No, no, no, I know what you mean. This Yoshi dude in town who's a comic, and I've totally said his name, but he hands out, he works for like Evil Angel or one of these new companies, and it's like insane new, this ain't your grandpa's porn. And there's like heavy metal in the beginning. And there's a lot of like slapping and punching and spitting.

And I know what you mean. I know when you run across stuff like that. Maybe it's. Where's the. Just put on a nice. Kiss her. Just kiss her. Kiss her face and put on a nice Gershwin tune.

Oh, I pooped. Where's my insulin? That boy's car's on fire. Yeah, I don't know if it's our liberal education. We've all had a liberal education. And moms. Yeah, moms. Our moms existing.

Yeah, sure. I know what you mean. Here's a porn I don't understand. It's like the one where it's like the pizza guy shows up and his dick is in the pizza. Have you seen that one? Yeah, yeah. It's a whole – it's a sight, right? His dick's chopped up on the pizza?

No, it's a whole – Yeah. His dick is a topping on the pizza. Yeah. No, no, no. It's like he has the pizza. He comes up. He has the pizza and it's like –

There is a pizza in there though. It's like over his cock. Like the pizza – like he's holding the pizza box perpendicular to the ground, so the pizza would have to be getting all smushed up. So the pizza's ruined. Dick or no dick, the pizza is ruined. And then she's just like, oh, is this my sausage pizza that I ordered? Yeah, every time that's what she says.

And he's like, yeah, it sure is. He's just like, well, I ordered a lot of extra sausage on my pizza, so I hope it's right this time. And he's just like, yeah, there's plenty of sausage on this pizza. And he brings it in. And I'm thinking the whole time, it's like he's ruining the pizza. Yeah. And then he'll open it up, and then she'll start.

That guy's $25 probably. And then he'll open it up, and she'll start filleting him, and the pizza is still around his penis. Yeah, and she's getting it on her chin and stuff. Yeah, and she's'll open it up, and she'll start filleting him, and the pizza is still, like, around his penis. Yeah, and she's getting it on her chin and stuff. Yeah, and she's getting, like, pizza on her... It's weird. Food and sex is not my thing. It's just like... That is horrible.

Like, who is directing a porn and, like, a fellatio scene, and the guy's just like, why can't we put a pizza around? You know what? She needs more cheese on her face. She needs more cheese on her face. We need cheese, dresser! Who's the cheese fucker? Where's the... Yeah.

Yeah, and why does it always have to be sausage? For once, I'd like her to go, I ordered portobello mushroom, but this will do. Where's the goat cheese? The goat cheese and fennel. It's a real pizza. Talk about it like a real pizza.

Right. I can clearly see there's no sausage. I'm aware this is pornography. Yeah. Madam, you're wearing aolic schoolgirl outfit around the house there's no illusions that this isn't pornography which is why I've called you madam and then when it's over

they don't even eat the pizza I'm always like fast forward come on eat the pizza talk about how good it is in any movie though I have a weird food thing where in a movie, if they don't finish their food, if they order something and then, well, the commissioner called, I have to go,

and they don't eat their food, that drives me nuts. And they get up from a restaurant. In the Batman porn that you're watching? That drives me nuts. There's commissioners in other movies. No, I'm not talking about porn anymore. His first name is Commissioner. I'm talking about normal feature films where there's a plot

and someone, they never eat. They order food and it bothers me that they don't finish their food or someone rushes out. Because somebody made that food, you know? Yeah, no, there's a prop person who spent a lot of time on it. And in the world of the film, there's a cook and a waiter and stuff. Yeah. So do you get up and leave the film when that happens, Chris, or turn the film, there's a cook and a waiter and stuff. So do you get up and leave the film when that happens, Chris, or turn the film off?

He didn't even eat the chicken. You think Jack Nicholson's a good actor? Let's go, honey. Let's go, honey. And I'm alone and I just grab a ghost hand. What's the one with him and mad about you? Wolf. It's really good.

Wolf man. Wolf man Jack. Something's got to give or what is it? Or give me a little more. Let me know what's up. I don't know what you're talking about. As good as it gets. As good as it gets.

That's intern Chris in the background. Thank you. As good as it gets. Thank you. Let's play. There's a lot of food in that. He's always going to the restaurant to see Helen Hunt, and he never eats. I don't know.

It's just a lot of people like that movie, though, so I'm not going to get mad. Eat your food, actor. Yeah, careful. That movie won some awards, Chris. Yeah, well, Greg Kinnear didn't finish his schnitzel. Yeah. Whatever that is. Yeah, you don't want to piss off the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, do you, Mr. Fairbanks?

Oh, sciences, too? They're both things. Totally different from the other. Well, that's Porno Talk on Jordan Jesse Go. This is Jordan Jesse Go. I am Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm big time Gene O'Neill. Chris, Iron Man Fairbanks.

Nice, he said with his mouth full of pudding. It's not pudding, it's chips. I meant Chris Tapioca Pants Fairbanks. Jesse Thorne, of course, is away on his honeyed moon, but he will return at some point one can only assume yeah that's sweet man i bet they barely leave the hotel room where yeah because of this no one knows what i'm doing with my finger yeah you're making the gesture for ordering pay-per-view yeah he's making the gesture for The Bank Job starring Jason Statham. Quite a film.

Which sounds like... He's in Maui? He's in Maui. I'm going to Maui next month. Yeah? For what purpose? For a vacation. I have friends there.

Interesting. Yeah. Doesn't Jesse in Maui kind of sound like a waste? It does, yes. He's a man who hates the outdoors. Yeah, he hates the outdoors. I can't imagine he would like a rum-based tropical drink. Right.

Yeah. Have you ever heard of Jesse going to the beach? I have not, uh-uh. No, he's pale. Right. I say that about, I don't know him that well. Yeah. He's not a man who goes out and soaks up the sun.

Your first assumptions about Jesse were true. He's a pasty individual. I'm only hoping he got a base tan before he went. Everyone knows you need to go to one of the tanning. You need to get a base tan, people. Sure. We cannot stress that enough. Get yourself a base tan.

Into a lit coffin. It seems unusual. It seems like a real, and I think there were good reasons for this, but it seems like an awfully pedestrian. It sounds like a battle, and I think there were good reasons for this, but it seems like an awfully pedestrian. It sounds like a battle that Jesse lost. I know, yeah. It sounds like Teresa wanted to go. Yeah, just because she loves toucans who don't even reside there.

I bet Jesse wanted to go to San Francisco for his honeymoon. Yeah. Anyways. Anyways. Jesse isn't here. Jesse is our good guy. We're just three bachelors hanging out. Yeah, cheers.

Glad we got rid of the dead weight. Yeah, right? It's just party time. Clink. It was an order of UFC match on pay-per-view. Actually, we actually did something rather, you know, rather dude-ish. We actually sent intern Chris for more beers. Yeah, how about that?

This is the biggest party in the history of Jordan Jesse Go. Yeah. I requested he get a keg of Miller Lite. Mm-hmm. We only drink domestic. Yeah, yeah. None of that German pussy shit. Yeah, exactly.

For us. Are we talking about porn again? I think that, yeah, I like any kind of beer. I'll be happy with whatever comes back. Yeah, you know, never mind. I'll drink anything. I mean, yeah, we're minutes away from getting the hairspray out of Jesse's bathroom. Yeah, punching a hole with a pen and holding it up to our face.

Just shotgunning a can of hairspray. So I recently, I actually today saw the last of the big summer comedies I watched Tropic Thunder and I think except for You Don't Mess With the Zohan I think I saw all the kind of big summer laughers and yeah I like Tropic

Thunder the best I really want to see it I almost refuse to believe it's good I just feel like my resentment of Ben Stiller has... Yeah, I know. Here's the thing. He bothers me, man. I'm sorry.

As well he should. Ben Stiller has had a very poor track record. He's kind of squandered his goodwill that he made with the Ben Stiller show and whatever other legitimate comedy things he did by acting like a total asshole. Growing a series of mustaches and acting confident in silly sports. Really, isn't that his movies in a nutshell? He's done a few of those, yes. But yeah, you know what?

He wrote and directed this, and it's a well-written, clever movie. It's not hilarious all throughout, but it definitely has hilarious parts in it. And he is definitely not mugging in it. Yeah. He is definitely not mugging. The mugging is left up to Jack Black, who does it in very small spurts, so it's very tolerable. Now, did it bother

you, and am I wrong in saying this is just Three Amigos? Uh, no. No, there's not a... They don't have to save a town. But there are actors that think they're in a movie, and then they start... Oh, you mean the principal conceit of Three Amigos. Not a minor plot point.

Yes, it is totally three amigos. Did their mariachi outfits remind you of Three Amigos? They're using real bullets. The movie was not co-written by Randy Newman, if that's what you mean. Oh, wow. Good, good. Yeah, the composer? A lot of people don't know that.

A lot of people don't know that. He was one of the screenwriters on it, if I'm correct. I didn't know that either. I think you are right, wow. Good, good. Yeah, the composer? A lot of people don't know that. Yeah, he was one of the screenwriters on it, if I'm correct. I didn't know that either. I think you are right, yeah. I think I am too. Yeah. Wow. No, no, yeah, it's real good. Good trivia, Jordan.

Step Brothers was bad. I am officially absolutely sick of that Will Ferrell conceit where there's the comic premise of the scene. Like let's say in the case of Step Brothers, one of the comic premises is Will Ferrell is too attracted to his therapist and shows it in inappropriate ways. It's a relatively – that's a basic comic conceit. It could be played out with some class. And then you just see him say to her like, when I see you, I feel like lightning's hitting me in the dick. And you can tell that just like they left the camera on for eight takes and like, say something else crazy.

Say something else. I'm like, why is he saying lightning's hitting himself in the dick? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A woolly mammoth is jumping up my asshole and stabbing my heart with its tusks. And also there's a bear on it, you know. Yeah, he just says weird words and that's don't belong together right yeah and it's that like we just riff just turn on the camera let him rip when i see you it's like toaster oven love child black bread toasty muffin yeah i'm okay you're getting

bad yeah like the scene where they go this house is a prison on planet bullshit i was like oh good joke and then will ferrell has to say in the galaxy of this sucks camel dicks which is like oh good that joke wasn't all the way dead yeah yeah it needed it needed another crazy tag and hot damn intern chris is opening the beers for us delivered right to my this is a momentous episode of jordan jesse Go. Anyways, so yeah, Step Brothers was not good, although the run about the Catalina wine mixer I thought was very funny. So it's got moments. Yeah, sure.

It's not without laughs. Everybody involved is talented, but everyone's makeup is very orange. Do you think that anyone in watching Tropic Thunder was upset about the blackface character? Was anyone? Here's actually the new controversy over Tropic Thunder was upset about the blackface character? Was anyone? Here's actually the new controversy over Tropic Thunder. I had to work at the premiere of Tropic Thunder, so I kind of saw this firsthand.

People don't seem to mind the blackface element, but there's a little humor at the expense of the retarded. People are mad about that. There was a bunch of protesters. They're upset that they used the word retard, right? Yeah, yeah. Like we are now. And the joke is actually pretty legitimate.

It's actually kind of, you know... Did you feel uneasy when they did it? No, I mean, it's pretty firmly... The point is very firm that it is making fun of how Hollywood treats disabilities. Right. Like it's, you know, kind of the joke is that Hollywood exploits disabilities for, you know, drama and actors do it for prestige.

I didn't realize this. Robert Downey Jr. is playing a retarded black guy? Yes, he is. Oh, okay. So he has to overcome the odds twice. Yeah, he's got a dick and a vagina too and they show mad.

So it's a transgendered thing and he gets gay married to Al Gore. So many odds to overcome. Will he do it? There's a lot of odds. But no, yeah, yeah, the blackface thing was, and that's kind of handled in a similar way. It's like handled in like, oh, Hollywood exploits race for these reasons.

Did he take the same tanning pills that C. Thomas Howell took in Soul Man? Is that how he became? Man, it's like incredibly offensive, like Soul Man. But then I guess because it's Robert Downey Jr. Yeah, no. Who can do no wrong. Exactly. He was Iron Man, for God's sakes.

Did you see it, Gene? He's great. Very good. Yeah, very nice. Yeah. Robert Downey Jr. could fuck my mother and I'd be like, hey, Robert Downey Jr. Way to fuck her. He's in this?

He's in this fuck session with my mom? I could only pray that someone would have sex with my mother. Sorry, guys. What are we talking about? Movies? If anyone wants to have sex with my mom, she's lonely lately. I don't know if this is a sore subject

and if it is, we'll stop talking about it. Chris, I noticed there was an episode of Reality Bites Back where everybody's mom had to come on. Right, right. And your dad came on. It was the only dad in the bunch. Is that for any particular reason? Yeah, it was. My mom couldn't come.

Yeah, she's not. Man, so it's like the opposite of the father-son game that your dad can't make, so your mom has to come. Yeah, right. father-son game that your dad can't make so your mom has to come. They told us in that episode, just to explain that they're like, okay, you have to go in this dark room. You have to do your best pitch

to try and get a girl to go home with you for a one-night stand. You're not going to start a relationship. Your one-liner was pretty funny there. If you just want to recount it. I think I said a few things. I hope you're not opposed to orgasms. And then, let's get out of here and take care of this boner of mine

and then the lights these lights came on and it was my dad there I thought it was a woman we all did they told us it would be and then it was my dad and I gotta be honest

I was relieved I was like oh I thought it was a girl it's just my dad who has the same brain as me just my dad who's strangely erect. Yeah, the weirdest part is me and my dad both had rock-hard Johnsons. I haven't said Johnson for seven years. But it would have been worse if it was my mom. Or I felt for the other comics who had their mom there.

You can see their reaction. And like Amy, the girl that's on the show, she was relieved that it was her mom and not her dad. So it's always bad to have the opposite. So yeah, I was lucky. Anyways, yes. Okay, so what are we talking about? Step Brothers?

Rock hard Johnson. Rock hard Johnson. So anyways. We got there. And let's stay there for Pete's sake. Right? Am I right, guys? You don't know what a daisy chain is?

No, I don't. I don't really either uh okay so yes uh i didn't care for stepbrothers uh uh i i was a little bored by the non danny mcbride parts of pineapple express it kind of had that same we're improv talking as naturalistic dialogue but it just sounds like we're improv talking right right like we're talking over each other i mean we're you know that i don't know just it just sounds like we're improv talking. Right, right. We're talking over each other. I mean, you know, I don't know. It just seemed, it was fine, but it just seemed a little. I loved every minute of Pineapple Express. Yeah.

And I'm beginning, I'm like alarmed by the fact that no one else liked it. No, I think I'll like it. No. I haven't seen it. A lot of people, I feel like I'm, I feel like when I say I didn't, I wasn't nuts about it, people are. Okay, can I ask you something? Sure, sure.

When you saw it, what kind of crowd did you have? It was a weeknight. It was at the Vista in Silver Lake, so it was a lot of hipsters. Big crowd? I mean, did the crowd like it, or were they kind of like you? The crowd was into it, but they were sparse, and it's a big theater. Did they cheer when they played that M.I.A. song? Oh, you know, I don't think the M.I.A. song is actually in the movie.

I think it's just the trailer. No, I like it. I'm thinking maybe the crowd makes the movie. Because the crowd that I was with, like, everybody loved it. Like, people were cheering during the movie. And when I saw Step Brothers, I think there was, like, ten people in the theater. Yeah. And my friend was just, like, the only person, like, laughing at the movie.

And he has this really obnoxious, like he's letting you know he gets the all he needed was like a big obnoxious cigar to be robert de niro from cape fear like like there weren't enough seats between me and him because he was liking the movie too much and like his enjoying it like almost made me hate it more no that's how I am. When I saw the new Batman, when Heath Ledger comes out in the nurse outfit, it's the best part of the movie where he's blowing up the hospital.

People were freaking out and giggling giddily and it was almost ruining it for me. Because it's supposed to be badass, not funny. Yeah, and they're all like, he's so good. Also, he's dead. Did you know he's dead? That's why everyone was like, Olsen twins, Olsen twins. Did you know it?

Brokeback. Apartment in Silver Lake. Blood. I don't know. I don't know where he died. A Knight's Tale. That's another film he was in. Yeah.

It's like a musical of four feathers. My queen wasn't around back in medieval times. Novel. musical of four feathers my queen wasn't around back in medieval times novel um so uh you know actually when i saw batman this is before the movie even started and they were kind of playing the i was at kind of one of the big theater chains and there was the jordan saw it before they had finished filming it yeah exactly i watched the dailies this is me watching the dailies with christopher nolan um i was in kind of one of the big theater chains in this so they were playing the commercials beforehand there was a sprite commercial and a guy walking to his seat finished singing the sprite jingle with uh with the uh with it like he finished singing the

jingle as it was playing oh my uh and i just i'm like i should just leave this guy just ruined the movie because he is here. Oh yeah, you don't want that guy in the room. Absolutely not. Jingle singer. Anyways. Great. Tropic Thunder, good. Pineapple Express

were what? On the fence? I'm going to see both of them. That's what I'm taking from this. That's what I've gleaned. Gene, you have some feelings about the trailer to Beverly Hills Chihuahua? I have some feelings on the billboard. I don't know if there's a trailer. I mean, it's like, if you've seen the billboard, what more can the trailer tell you?

Oh, I don't know, man. The trailer's pretty bad. If Hollywood has taught us anything, it's that something in Beverly Hills is out of its element. Whether it's a cop from Detroit, or a fat ninja, or a Girl Scout troop leader. And Nick Nolte

was a bum once for Richard Dreyfuss. I forget what that's called. Down and out in Beverly Hills. Down and out in Beverly Hills. That's a good point. It seems like no matter what, you're a square pig in the brown hole society of Beverly Hills. Certainly not a two-hour Taco Bell commercial. Is there a Taco Bell tie in Beverly Hills?

It's got to be the same dog. At some point in the movie, he's going to go, yo quiero cleavage or something stupid. You know that's going to happen. Yeah, and that was the line in the pitch meeting. We're like, and this is where the audience stands up and cheers. Yo quiero pussy and there's a cat. This is when the audience starts making their own Oscars to throw at the screen.

Yeah, my Oscar is going to be a gordita. And there's not even a slogan to the movie. I think the slogan is just a Is the pronunciation of Chihuahua? Yes, it's a parenthetical that's how to pronounce Chihuahua in case you thought it was Ki-Hua-Hua. It's reminding you to pronounce it Chi-Wa-Wa because you'll say wow without great movie. Because you'll say wow and then you'll think that the movie is good.

I'm saying wow already. I usually don't say that. Well, if you think about that, you have to make movies for everyone. There's a lot of people that aren't going to get Tropic Thunder or they're going to be scared of it. So why not have a playful romp for some

bovine middle American? The thing that bothers me about Beverly Hills Chihuahua is that it didn't come out already like five years ago. It's just like, yeah, duh, of course you come out with that movie. The slogan should have been, that's right, ladies and gentlemen, a dog in a movie.

How long has that script been laying around? I should already be anticipating Beverly Hills Chihuahua goes to Manhattan or Beverly Hills Chihuahua tries out for the NBA. Beverly Hills Chihuahua goes to Manhattan or Beverly Hills Chihuahua tries out for the NBA. Beverly Hills Chihuahua has to get his back or its country

cousin acclimated to Beverly Hills. Beverly Hills Chihuahua's life has thrown a huge curve when his country bumpkin cousin comes to visit. He's like, listen, I had this same problem a few years back. Let me help you get acclimated. I was also getting had the same problem a few years back let me help you get

acclimated i was also getting lost i spoiled a few dinners i ruined a few days i also ran across a table and made people spill their drinks how how is my cousin a traveling country mouse with a bindle i'm related to a cat somehow, let's just get in this toy Barbie Corvette. Let's write a movie right now. Yeah, nah, we just did, guys. Oh, okay. Guys, take five. We've had a long night at work.

Anyway, bottom line, I can't wait to see the follies and foibles of a dog who has a better life than 95% of its viewing audience. That's right, folks. he shits wherever he wants okay we talked about movies it's jordan jesse go this is jordan jesse go i'm jordan morris boy detective i'm big time gene o'neill i'm chris I'm visiting. Thanks, Chris. Thanks for visiting. You're welcome.

Chris, what time does your television program come on? 10.30 last night. 10.30 every Thursday. But they're doing a marathon. They did a marathon the other night, but it started in the a.m., like early morning. And I think they're doing one on Sunday. Fair enough. Where they will play all the

episodes in a row which I think is the way to do it with anything. Because each one they're totally not connected. Each one is a different with different graphics and a different look and different interviews. You sit with a pint of Haagen-Dazs. Yeah just grab

yourself a big old tub of ice cream. Yeah you're not doing anything. What are you doing? You're listening to a podcast for fuck's sake. Unemployed elderly loser. I'm sorry, I went too far. Where's your diaper, insulin face? Wilford Brimley wrinkle ass?

Is your show still filming? Is your show still filming or is it done? No, it's done filming. So you're not going to talk about us on the show? No. You can't go into work tomorrow and say... I was with these two handsome gentlemen. Yeah.

You know, Jordan and Gene, you hold up our pictures. Yeah. I was at kind of an art gallery booze-having opening type thing last night. An excuse to drink? Yeah. I was getting drunk in public last night. And this girl comes up to me, and she's like, do I know you? Are we? And I was like, oh, do you hang around the UCB Theater in Atlanta?

And she's like, no, not really. And then she said, oh, yeah, we went to, we kind of figured out mutually that we both – we went to college, that she was a UC Santa Cruz person freshman year but had moved out after that. But anyways, we both were freshmen at the same college at the same time, and that's probably how she recognized me. Wow. And then I was like, oh, yeah, it was great. It's great to see you again so you're living in LA

and then her voice kind of adopted this kind of panicked kind of tone and she said yeah I'm living down here with my boyfriend yeah me and my boyfriend we're living down here he's somewhere else he'll probably be here a little bit later it's really great living down here and it was kind of the verbal equivalent of uh stay away from my vagina please do not i am not considering you a sexual being i will thank you not to do the same yeah just in case please yeah

because i've been on the other end of that where i there's a girl that i like a lot, and I'll hang out with her to try and figure out where... And then eventually she'll go, yeah, well, my boyfriend, and then you have to act like you didn't just hear that. Oh, yeah, it's totally normal. So let's continue having jokes. Do you want anything? I'm going to the bar. I love talking to you in this platonic fashion.

Let's have the exact same plan as before, except now you have a boyfriend, and I'm going to go home and play with myself. To Slayer. Yeah, I'm going to go to Slayer and punch my own balls. Yeah, I guess what... I mean, I guess I felt insulted by that.

I was like, oh, what, really? Come on, I was not... I wasn't trying... She just thought you were a I was not... I could... I wasn't trying... She just thought you were a sexual deviant. Yeah, yeah. And I wasn't like... Well, your wiener dangling out of your pants probably didn't help. Jordan, did you have your wiener out of your pants again?

But when she recognized me from across the room, the wiener was already out of the pants. She knew your dick was a freshman. She came up to me. Thank you very much. I recognize that freshman banana slug dick. Okay, yeah, she approached you. What the hell?

Yeah, and I don't think in the course of between her saying, I think I recognize you, and me saying, so you're living in L.A. now, I don't think I started wringing my hands and licking my lips. I don't think my tone changed at all. Yeah, and you're a spoken for individual, so it's not like you were subconsciously sending out, you know. Yeah, maybe she thought she had been too forward. Perhaps. Yeah.

I don't know. Anyways, yeah, maybe. Maybe she was just feeling bad. I mean, she was rubbing her tits when she said that. Do I recognize this? Can we get another beer here? Hey, come on. Yeah. Two left?

Who's already drank two? I think this was a six pack. Yeah, I know. So we're drinking. Oh, Chris has one. Yeah, yeah. Oh, you took a beer for yourself? You fucking.

Typical. I am not. You are not getting college credit to get drunk in Jesse's house, you asshole. That's fine. No, no, no, no. Jesse. Call him back in. That was too real.

That was too real. That was too real. That was a little too real. You can't drink beer unless you're drinking it right over the expensive radio equipment. Yeah, exactly. So I guess from a bunch of dudes, which we are, to all the ladies out there who are spoken for but also want to talk to dudes dudes occasionally when is the good time to mention that you have a boyfriend oh thanks you know i actually want to know right away before i so you prefer this kind of i miss kind of frantic yeah i miss the high school ritual of putting your uh your uh you know class ring on the necklace of your best girl sure so you know

that she's like she already has a steady you never put your varsity pin on anyone, is what you're saying. Yeah. Because, man, sometimes I'll just waste 15 to 20 minutes of great anecdotal material. Yeah. And then she'll be like, oh, my boyfriend. My boyfriend's almost here. I'm staying at my boyfriend's house. Well, I've had situations where it goes on for days and weeks.

And then finally. You days and weeks and then finally you get married and then she's like I have a boyfriend have you purchased any dinners or drinks when this finally comes around I'm a slow mover I've learned to kind of just ask myself I think that no one's going to give that up all the time

so maybe you just have to say so where's your boyfriend yeah but that sounds lame you're right you have to wait for darn it it's hard yeah you know like well i you don't want you don't want to be like um well now that i know you have a boyfriend i'm not interested in hanging out with you right no that's why i'm saying that's what i want well i'm gonna act like the night's totally normal let's keep hanging out you want to hang out tomorrow well you should bring your boyfriend i've i've

invited i'd love to meet him i've invited i'd love to feel emasculated next to your boyfriend here's something that here's have something that happened to me uh uh okay wait sorry time out before we go on it like have you ever then met the boyfriend and you just want to be like what are you kidding me this guy no no okay this is where this exact story is going excuse me me. Good. This is a great bridge. Yeah, you just basically spoiled the punchline for this. But there's some delightful specifics that I think you'll enjoy. We'll make that for the ending, be my aim.

Right. This is a – there was a – Chris, as you know, Fuel TV employs a lot of babes. Yeah, of course. There's a lot of – they need a lot of – I hear it's like the Playboy Mansion over there. Basically. Just girls walking around half naked. Yeah, James Connell wandering.

James Connell. And I know for a fact that at times it's been distracting for you to have hot interns around. Yeah, I mean there's, the interns are not... Anyway, it's a situation. I don't approve of it. Right. Anyways, but... And the babes are always very nice.

And if you're a professional babe and you're good at it, you realize that there's a certain amount of networking that goes into it. Oh, you mean hired talent. Yeah, I'm talking about hired talent. Okay, okay. But yes, I mean, the fuel interns are uh typically

kind of like comically ridiculous i don't know anyways you know what i'm talking comically tawdry yeah a little bit and there's a lot of i'm attracted to a lot of did i use that word right i've had a few beers and i haven't eaten today yeah anyways uh this is going downhill no it isn't oh yeah you're right no it's just it's just about the crest. You're correct. And all the babes are usually very courteous, and if you're a professional, you know that there's a certain amount of networking. Because they think you're a big shot.

Sure, right. And the good ones will always send an email saying, you know, like, it was a pleasure working with you, thank you, keep me in mind for future projects, yadda yadda yadda. And there was one babe kind of toward the beginning who... you know, like, it was a pleasure working with you, thank you, keep me in mind for future projects, yada yada yada. And there was one babe, kind of toward the beginning, who... Whoa, Jordan. Female?

Huh? Female, they prefer to be called? Excuse me. Milady. There was one toward the beginning who was pretty good about, you know, like maybe sending me an email like every other week, like just kind of a, just a couple of beers. I wish I thought of that. UFC.

Just, you know, about emailing kind of every other week and just saying, hey, just saying what's up, had a lot of fun, you know. And I was like, oh, this is maybe getting to be a little more than just professional courtesy. Sure. And I'm like, maybe I should – And this is like a bikini – a hired bikini show? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure, sure.

And you're like, perhaps I should take advantage of the situation. I don't know. I just say like – I think I said something like, any weekend plans? I'm going to be at this. Feel free to stop by. And I think her response was like, no, I am booked for the weekend, but we should get together sometime. Oh, wow. Great, great.

You're in. Great, right? Yep. Might as well throw down a welcome mat. I wish the punchline of this story wasn't spoiled. Yeah, you just sit back and watch the sex roll in. Sure, sure, sure. So I'm like, great.

I'm like, yeah, well, why don't we meet at this place at this time? Looking forward to it. Blah, blah, blah. Anyways, I get there. Hi, how's it going? Hug. Want a drink? Yeah, sure.

So I go to the bar. I get drinks. I bring them back. And we sit down. And she's like, oh, my boyfriend didn't want to just hang out at the house tonight, so he's going to be here soon. Oh, my god. And then this just hang out at the house tonight, so he's going to be here soon. Oh, my God. And then this guy comes in and proceeds.

He comes in. Man, I saw this coming, and it still pisses me off. Yeah, he comes in. Uber, who talks nonstop about how he loves the Dane Cook movie Waiting. Oh, jeez. Wow. Yeah. Because he knows you're in the comedy.

Yeah, he heard that I was in the comedy. He's oh you know what you need to see and uh like oh like why would you clearly you know like someone's gonna be mad if that yeah yeah and like i can see getting together with a business contact for drinks right that's a reasonable thing to do. But really? You realize this hurts your chances. Not that I have any actual power at all. But if I did. Know what you should have done.

Just go, oh, your boyfriend's coming? I'm out of here. And crunch up your can and walk away. And I peel out. You crush it on your hand. I peel out on my BMX bike. If only you had a Camaro or a BMX motorbike. Sure.

Yeah, anyways. So, yes. Did we come to a conclusion on what the industry standard is for mentioning the boyfriend? Yeah, they wear their boyfriend's class ring. Oh, yeah. That's it, ladies. Wear his Letterman's jacket everywhere. Wear his trombone amulet.

Wear his drama crown everywhere you go. Oh man, her boyfriend lettered? I'm not even going to try. Man, he's the captain of the football team. And he's currently in high school. I got nothing on that. I'm a greaser.

I'm a mod. Anything? Nothing? Nah, we're good. We're good? That's boyfriend stuff on Jordan, Jesse, go. Late breaking amendment to that last segment. Intern Chris piped up and said he had kind of a similar go-down recently.

That's absolutely true. Do you want to talk about that? Sure. It's intern Chris, by the way, everybody. He brought us these delicious beers. I'm just an intern. Please let me speak. Sure.

Thank you, everyone. So about a week ago Friday. A little closer to that mic, Chris. Today's Friday, right? Yeah. So a week ago I met a girl just standing in line for a concert and just seemed to hit it off. What concert was this? This was at the 88 Boa Drum thing down at La Brea Tar Pits.

It's the Japanese band Boredoms. Anyway, so they assembled. That's not the important part of the story. What's important is that we hit it off. You were waiting in line and you started some line conversation. But then the whole night we hang out. All the friends are together and getting along great and everything. Exchange information in the night.

So I say, listen. She texts me the following day. And I say, listen, if you're into it, let's hang out. Because I've got a couple weeks left in town, and I haven't done anything really cool in this place yet. It's like a lot of douchebag bars have been hitting up, and you've got to change my mind at this place. You've been at the Saddle Ranch a lot.

You can name some names. I don't know where I've been. You've just been hanging out on the Universal CityWalk. Hoping something cool happens. You've been on the mummy ride at Universal Studios. I mean, it's been two and a half months of just dizzying rides. Mummy-related action. So we, you know, she said, okay, sure.

Like, I think the text it was, was like, Kay, talk to you soon. And I didn't expect anything to come out of it. So she gets back from San Francisco and a couple days rest, and I think I'm ready to booze now, she says. So I'm like, okay. That was the text And I think I'm ready to booze now, she says. So I'm like, okay. That was the text? I think I'm ready to booze now?

Let's go out and booze. She's got problems. No, go out and party, whatever. Have a good time. Whatever it was. I thought she used the term booze. I'm paraphrasing here. Oh, okay, okay.

Yeah, I'm paraphrasing. I thought she – Okay. Yeah, because I'm saying that is – if this story leads to I have a boyfriend, there's no excuse for that. Yeah, I'm ready to booze. And she says hobo clown makeup with a kerchief on a stick. Okay, right. So I'm paraphrasing.

I can't remember the exact wording of the text, but it was like, let's go out tonight. I think I'm recovered. Let's go. For drinks. Right, for drinks. I like her now. She picks me up, right? She picks me up because I don't have a car.

I'm out of town, whatever. And we go to a few of her favorite places. And, of course, we walk in and it's like, hey, how's it going? She seems to know people, right? And so I meet a few of her friends, like maybe a third bar we go to. It's a bar crawl at this point. It is. It's actually a bar crawl.

It's right. It's like one drink per exactly that. And so I get to talking to her friends and she walks away, and they're like, so how'd you meet this girl? And how'd you meet, I'm not going to say her name. It doesn't matter. Yeah, sure. And so I said, oh, I just met her. Just say it, Natalie Portman.

I met her on Friday. We all know you're talking about Natalie Portman. Okay, fuck, now I definitely don't have a chance. So Natalie Portman, how'd you meet Natalie? And I was like, well, I met her on Friday at this show. I just met her. And they look at one another, and I'm like, that was an awkward beat, you know?

Yeah, yeah. Did you say that was an awkward beat? In here I did. Okay. Yeah, silently to myself. And then about a minute or two later, the guy's like, yeah, so Pete, Natalie's boyfriend. Devondra Barnhart.

There you go. And I was like, exactly what you described earlier. You know, you just kind of go, okay, I pretend I didn't hear that. Right, right. Sure, right, boyfriend. I mean, of course she's got a boyfriend. Of course she's got a boyfriend. And of course I'm not here to interfere with that.

No, no. I just like forming friendship-like bonds with beautiful women. And it just seems to happen. I like buying them things. Yeah. And leaving. You know, one after another, that's the kind of shit that happens. You know, it's like, oh, why?

And I got to learn what you did and just ask that question, like, you know, not too soon. Yeah. Because that's creepy. Yeah, yeah. It's like, hi, do you have a boyfriend? Yeah. You know? But eventually, get around to it.

Just ask it. Yeah. That's it. Anyway, that's my story. That's what I've, get around to it. Just ask it. That's it. Anyway, that's my story. That's what I've, time and time again. Hot damn, that's intern Chris. That's okay. And if you want to just be.

Sharing a thematically similar story. Yeah. Plutonic friends with a really, really pretty girl. That's normal, too. It's easy to do. It's fine. Hold hands. Yeah.

Watch Royal Tenenbaums. Yeah. That's a good one, huh? Owen Wilson's great. We'll be right back. Jordan, Jesse, go. This is Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jordan Morris, boy detective.

I am big time Gene O'Neill. I've been Chris Fairbanks. Well, I think today, gentlemen, we've single-handedly or tri-handedly, I guess I should say, turned this into one of those podcasts where guys are hanging out but no one else likes to listen to it. Really? No, I think this has been great. It's guys hanging out, drinking beer, talking about chicks. Yeah, yeah.

Talking about power tools. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, man, I love Tim Allen's stand-up. Yeah. If I only didn't have to take my wife to the ballet. Now let's sit around and watch the Three Stooges. Sure. Girls love the Three Stooges.

They do. Yeah, they always do. And see Max Schmeling box an American. He's a world famous German boxer from the World War II era. Back when the knuckles faced your face. There you go.

Fisticuffs we call it. Fisticuffs. This has been Jordan, Jesse, go. Jesse will be back at some point one would assume. Yeah, when they get out of the hotel room when he's done with his bronze body tan yes um thank you very much for listening of course uh chris fairbanks where can people look at your information online at the uh chris fairbanks.com or

more updated is my myspace which is that slash my name, Chris Fairbanks. There you go. Thank you very much for tuning in. I'm sure at some point we will – I'm sure next week, rather, we'll take calls. I don't have the technical savvy to operate the phone machine, so that's why we didn't do that this week. So please give us a call, 206-984-4FUN, if you have any suggestions for when the courteous time to mention that you have a significant other is or – Let's see. Anybody going to any – Chris, you're going to Maui. I'm going to Maui, yeah.

Gene, are you taking any vacations recently? Or in the upcoming – are you going anywhere? No. Oh, I'm going to Portland, Oregon. And Chris, you and I are going to Utah for a few days. We're going to Park City, right? We're going to Park City, Utah for work for a while. You fucking assholes.

It's going to be great, yeah. Sorry, Gene, you can't come. Brag, brag, brag. Gene, you're not going on any vacations, are you? I didn't think so. The Sundance Film Festival is held. If you guys have any suggestions for things we could do in those areas,

please give us a call. 206-9844-FUN. We're going to be in Houston, Texas in a week. That's one of them, too. I'll be at the Houston Improv next week. Houston Improv, if anybody wants to go see Chris, they can, or if they have any suggestions

for things to do in Houston, give us a ring or an email. an email jjgoe at gmail.com i think it might not be that i also have a walkie talkie i'm always on channel nine there you go for all the ham radio enthusiasts out there chris fairbanks is available to you uh thank you very much for listening and we will see you online at MaximumFun.org on the forums, etc, etc, etc. Goodbye.