Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 701: Pretty Happy Dog with Nick Adams and Emily Heller

Episode Date: August 24, 2021

Emily Heller (Medical Police, Baby Genuises podcast) joins Jesse and guest co-host Nick "Repeat" Adams for a discussion of how Emily's middle school music class performed Space Jam songs, the amazing clothes that her dad makes as his retirement hobby, and the ways that everyone's normal extended family deal with their weird entertainment industry life.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, a.k.a. Lars Neutbar. I'm your permanent new co-host, Nick Repeat Adams. Okay, so I just want to get right off at the top of the show. By the way, Jordan is on assignment this week that's what they say that's what they always say and like when you when a baseball announcer is away that they're on assignment like they've gone to like they've gone to cobble right to cover the six

foot two left-handed relief picture out of cobble nick adams is here with us. Contractually, Nick, repeat Adams in my podcast appearances. So I just wanted to get out of the way because it has been six, eight weeks that the only form of correspondence that I have received is, hey, Jesse, did you know there's a baseball player named Lars Neutbar? The answer to that is yes. I know there's a baseball player named lars newt bar the answer to that is yes i know there's a baseball player named lars newt bar yes i too celebrate that this man is named lars newt bar so we're all on the same page with re newt bar that is if you pitch that in a room like there's a lot of things that happen in the world as a comedy writer and you're just like nope

that's bad. If you pitch that in a comedy room people would go Lars Newt Barr? Come on that's kind of fucking on the nose. Lars Newt Barr. A real human being. Newt Barr. Yeah you can have Lars or Newt Barr. You can't.

Jesus Christ. Newt Barr family. can't, come on, Jesus Christ. Newt Barr family, pick one. That's amazing. Nick, are there basketball? I feel like there are not basketball players with good names. You're a basketball enthusiast. There's like complicated Eastern European names, but they're just complicated. They're not like amusing.

Serge Ibaka. It has a nice ring to it go back in time and start your life over and be serge ibaka what would you do i would want to be yinka dare yinka dare come on basketball players have the best football players have to know how to pass football players have the best names yeah football players't know how to pass. Football players have the best names. Yeah, football players do. Like, Jepricashaw, Ferguson. Come on, we can't. We have to just bow down to that. Yeah, there's a lot of rock solid. I mean, I think even with a football player with an unremarkable name,

you will often learn that there's a couple extra vowels at the end. Right, yeah. A hyphen in there, just throw it in. Yeah, somebody who's named Smith, S-M hyphen I there just throw it yeah somebody's name smith sm hyphen ith yeah i'll never forget my wife walking through and watching a football game and just like you know seeing i think it might have been debrickish or it might have been who was the quarterback for the vikings when they had randy moss oh my god i don't know i'm thinking right now of cantavious caldwell street cantavious caldwell pope lockett los angeles laker legend KCP. Like, my wife would walk through and see a football player and be like, is that his real name? Yes, that's his real name. It's not a bit. that instead of giving my children the names of,

I mean, let's be honest, like people who are eating crumpets, like clotted, my children all have the name of like a clotted cream enthusiast, which is fine. As a white, you're hemmed in to that or just retro fucking bullshit apple.

Oh, yeah. I mean, I could have named them all Kennesaw Mountain Landis Thorn. Yeah, those are your options. That was available to me in the hay bale wedding era when my children were born. Oh, just drop a votive candle in a mason jar and just say, I do. I mean, Nick, you have a child named Coltrane. That is the African-American equivalent of me naming my children Kennesaw and Melendez. Well, see, I think there's miles.

There's a lot of miles. And then every now and then you meet someone who's named their kid like Sphere, which is like Thelonious Monk's middle name or something. And you're like, like okay don't go too far i love cold i love john coltrane it was like a like a no-brainer that was something that i decided to do when i was like 19 years old and my wife was like all right idiot like i'll go along with it um were you with your wife at 19 or was this no it was like a full this was an whoever that you brought is going to agree to this. And she was like, oh, just fucking dial it down. Just relax.

You're like, honey, I've been carrying this piece of paper in my wallet for 15 years. I wrote this down. Okay. Our guest on the program, she is one of the hosts of the smash hit podcast, Baby Geniuses. She has an overall deal over there at cbs pay you an overall what a scam she is and you know how you can tell nick that she has an overall deal at cbs she's uh joining us from uh what looks like her bedroom and right next to her is uh one of those cork boards with three by five cards pinned into it.

Just ideas, just losing money off of them. These aren't just three by five cards. These are dry erase three by five cards. Oh my gosh. Whatever Dickie was flexed. It's the best of both worlds. Cork board, white board combination. You can move it around like a cork board.

You can erase it like a white board. This is what I've come on the show to talk about capitalism has to be taken down let's get into ridiculous gadgets let's get into tape flags emily where do you stand on tape flags do you like the skinny kind or the wide kind what's a tape flag A tape flag is those little like color-coded post-it note dealies Oh, it's like a sticky and then colored at the, yes. And then it flaps out so you can mark the pages

in your middle school copy of Of Mice and Men. Oh yeah, I don't do that If it's middle school I'm not doing the reading or the homework Can I ask you guys an Of Mice and Men question now that that subject has been brought up by me By you middle school i'm not doing the reading or the homework can i ask you guys in an of mice and men question now that that uh subject has been brought up by me by you um so in my family we have been watching looney tunes because they're you know all the looney tunes are on hbo max i hear they're

back in action is what i'm hearing yeah i, I did watch Space Jam 2. Woof. That's the official title. Space Jam 2, colon, woof. Yeah, Space Jam 2, woof. Purchase this microphone just so I can go. A lot of that movie was really predicated on, like they were so excited. Gil Solidarity, shout solidarity shout out to my writers who wrote the film yeah there's literally i think six credited screenwriters

i'm like who else worked on this movie that's not in the credits but anyway jordan farmar is a credited writer on space jam i think they had a big idea for Space Jam, which was that they figured out that LeBron James could say lines right, but then they didn't think of any other things. Like they were like, well, we made a whole Space Jam with Michael Jordan who can't say his lines right. Famously can't say his lines right.

So this will be a slam dunk. Yeah. They said using a classic basketball metaphor. So anyway. Cut LeBron check for $7-catrillion. So we have been watching Looney Tunes. And, you know, there is that Of Mice and Men Lenny character who's in a few different Looney Tunes where he says,

I'll hug you, man. I'll squeeze you, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And my daughter asked me about Of Mice and Men. She said, I said, you know, that character references

a classic character from literature and he crushes a bunny because he loves it so much. And she says, well, what's the book? I said, Of Mice and Men. She said, what's it about? And I said, let's see.

Well, there's that one guy who crushes the bunny because he loves it too much. I don't remember anything else about Of Mice and Men. Apparently, I read the entire book. It's one of those things that for kids, like you should just stop at the bunny. Because there's nothing after that. I've read it once. I never read it. i don't i don't know i i literally only know the looney tunes excerpt he that same energy that he has for the bunny

he brings to a female human if i remember correctly and then lenny you know the other guys like oh snap this has happened this is not going to end well for my friend. And they go out into a field and he shoots him because he's like, I got it. So it's like you really can't go any further than the petting the bunny. Can I say something about that? That shit's fucked up. I don't know whose permission you were waiting for can i say something about space jam just circling back please thank you i was at dinner the other

night with a friend of mine from high school and someone who i would say was like not the most like pop culture tuned in person and i I casually mentioned something about, yeah, I casually mentioned something about space jam and she was eating and she stopped and she said, what is the space jam? Just totally, totally stone face. Just in the world.

What is the Space Jam? That is a really good question. Well, every year in Zurich, 80,000 Europeans converge. They parade through the streets and then party all night. Steve Aoki is always there. He just lives in Zurich. Steve Aoki just lives in Zurich in a chamber and they just like take him out when they need him. Every so often he calls LA to see how his pizza restaurants are doing with all their ghost kitchens. conversation because I was talking about what an enormous part of my like childhood sort of like

understanding of pop culture was because I had one of those like cool music teachers in middle school who was like we're gonna sing the songs that you guys like and we did on our spring concert I think like five different songs from the Space Jam soundtrack, including the rap that Bugs Bunny does. Wait, what level of instruction were you at here? Was this L. Denny's? Got my girlfriend Lola. She's a fox. Ain't no bunny like the one I got.

That's all I remember from that. Well, yeah. Is this like, hold on, hold on, principal. Listen, I would never expose all the students to this. But Emily, Constance, and a handful of these other people, they really get it. And I think they would benefit. Like, yeah. Was this like the head of the class that we were in?

No, it was the entire middle school was singing songs from Space Jam in front of their parents. I have to say, full disclosure, this is one of those things that you find out in a writer's room and these discrepancies are heightened. And you're just like, oh, shit. I was a full-grown adult when Space Jam came out. I was a full, what the fuck is Michael Jordan doing? I don't care about that shit. I fully didn't care about Space Jam. I was an adult.

You shouldn't have cared about it. I think I was... No, of course not. It was like 96, right? Yeah. 96, 97, I think. 96 to 97 is when I was in sixth grade. So I was primed.

Yeah, fully, fully. It was the movie for me. You were super horny for Lola Bunny. I were super horny for Lola Bunny. I was super horny for Lola Bunny. I had never seen thighs like that before. This is before Pixar decided that every mom would have a dump truck ass. So Lola Bunny was the thickest. There was Lola and then like, what's her name?

There was Lola and there was Bugs in Drag. And that was it. it listen no comment on bugs was going for it they didn't have the courage to have lebron fall in love with lola that would have sold the movie for me or you know what have lebron fall in love with bugs no they always they i think they're gonna do like the harry potter thing which is like after the fact they'll say that like bugs is gay like yeah that's what they do now like once the movie and the franchise is over then they announce it that character was like by curious and you know just floated out there yeah it's weird with a character like bugs though because you're like is the franchise over Is it ever gonna be over? Bugs is sort of an eternal being,

but he's also sort of like a spirit. Also can Bugs, I mean, I'm not gonna, Bugs wants to fuck comedy. Bugs is just only horny for comedy. This is my question about Bugs functionally, and I don't mean to be vulgar here, but can Bugs inseminate? I mean, we're talking about a rabbit, right?

Right. That's like their whole deal. It's their whole deal. Besides getting crushed by Lenny. So you think he's like, what, like impotent? I don't understand your question. I'm just, I guess what I'm asking is so obviously Bugs gets out there

right? right Bugs talks a good game something is happening when he's underground and that like dirt is coming up on his way to like Albuquerque that's not just burrowing you don't make that much commotion burrowing

dude do you think it's possible bugs has a secret family no pants daffy has the fucking courtesy right i think this is but this is the part where it gets caught for me i know that bugs can pull chicks right like i know that why we've never seen him because i guess aside from lola because he has he has a certain something he's got it bugs has rap but we've never seen it in in play we haven't yeah i mean i i think i as a child maybe not as a child maybe just as an adult I'm not going to project this kind of sophistication onto me as a child. Me as an adult, I'm a little off put by how unafraid he is of death. Okay. He is just like staring Elmer Fudd in the face and I'm like, that dude has a gun. What are you doing?

Is that something that you're looking for in a partner? Absolutely not. I know too much about myself at this point to know that I'm not comfortable with that level of risk. I watched on Reddit the other day. I love how this is starting. Yes. I hope nobody dies. I really hope nobody dies.

Yeah, it was on slash r slash faces of death i was on reddit on uh on a reddit that's just uh what's it called better every loop it's called so it's just like little gifs just a little thing happens yeah it's great it's it's it's great you know it's just like uh there's also this other one where uh dads catch babies falling. Right, yeah. In remarkable ways. But the better every loop, you know, it's just like, oh, here's butter and sugar turning into frosting or something. And it looks cool. Or, you know, crazy athletic feet.

The other day, someone posted a picture of a parkour guy running from one rooftop, jumping off the rooftop, landing on another rooftop, and then doing some tricks as he landed and flipped up into the air. i was watching that i think i realized that i am old because all i could think watching this amazing feat was like fuck you man like don't put me through that i don't want to see you almost fall to your death that's not of interest to me it made me so mad and he did it he was fine obviously this they're not gonna post snuff gifs on better every loop that would get progressively worse every loop as it re-traumatized you it's always dudes in like paris and amsterdam with like free health care like i'm gonna jump off this building if i fracture my, just stay pace for it. Boopity-boop. Like, it's always those guys. Nick, you're a socialist.

Is that the America you want? Just people jumping from rooftop to rooftop? Yes, I would in a world where, like, right now, fully, at everybody's job, there's three dudes that everyone's like, they fucking suck at it. They don't want to be here. The company's worse off because they're here. If they could just be downtown LA jumping off buildings right now, the whole workforce would be better. If we could just pay those guys to just run around and jump off the pier. And do parkour.

And do parkour. Get out of the workforce and let somebody else have this job. Josh, go do parkour in Culver City. I feel like there might be some other options between taking work. Not all of them, Emily. Not all of them. Parkour and parkour. Not all of them.

Oh, my God. There's a fucking dog on a ramp with a cone behind you. And it's like a Wes Anderson film is happening right now. Is that how Wes Anderson films work? Just white people are just living in wes anderson movies and we don't know emily's dog really truly speaking of parkour he did not parkour by the way he walked up a handicap he walked gingerly up a i will say incredibly way too expensive ramp well em, Emily, your ramp.

Okay, so I'm going to tell our listeners what happened. So behind Emily is either a bed or a pull-out sofa of some kind. It's a daybed, but it's a full-size daybed. There you go. Full-size daybed. On that is a dog bed. On top of that is a dog bed or a pet bed. And in the foreground, I know, Nick, I can't speak for you. I or a pet bed and in the foreground i know nick i can't speak for

you i did not notice this item in the foreground until just now there is is that what you're describing no no i noticed the poof i think the poof was distracting me from the foreground which is the the ramp been here the whole time the ramp is what i can only describe as cruise ship quality this is a full game plank a small wheelchair could use that ramp a small yeah not a fool and emily's dog not only went up this ramp in like perfect 45 degree symmetry in her composition of her zoom shot. But this dog went up the ramp wearing a cone and doing that. It truly was.

The timing of it was fully three, two, cue dog. It was incredible. Man, he is. He's exhausted look and then he fell asleep not on the giant dog bed next to the dog i got him like the most like luxurious furry huge like pillowy dog bed to put on my day bed so that he wouldn't just climb on the human pillows and he refuses to use it you got him a full-on cruella deville hat there so also can i explain the cone and the ramp or do you want it to just be a mystery you're just making a particularly unusual faces of death gif he had surgery on his like hind leg he had to have like his knee got dislocated and he tore his like the dog version of an acl my dog tore her meniscus so we both are both of our dogs have had a football career. And it's I mean, he's quite an athlete as anyone who follows me online knows.

And so we're under strict orders not to let him jump or run like he's supposed to be on crate rest. We can't create him because he'll like panic and slam his body against the crate and it'll be worse than before so we have been like locking him in the hallway which makes him just like whine and scream and bark at us and in order to keep him from jumping i have installed ramps at all his favorite places because i'm terrified that he's gonna re-injure himself and this particular ramp it's uh from doggo ramps and uh wow just plugging the ramp trying to get a few extra free ramps i mean i would love to get some retroactive reimbursement for plugging doggo ramps on this someone else's podcast one time in middle school we had to we had an assignment that we had

to write a letter of compliment and uh lauren keen had been a nationally ranked gymnast this is my classmate lauren keen you guys know lauren lauren keen had been a nationally ranked... Oh, Lauren Kay. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, you're not Lauren N, that's Lauren Newt Barr. Lauren Keene had been a nationally ranked junior gymnast, but she broke her ankle too many times and was no longer able to gym in. She was expected to wear an air cast, possibly for the rest of her life on her ankle ankle because it's one of those things where every time you break it with ankles, it weakens it instead of strengthening it because there's all these ligaments and cartilages in there. It's not just your arm. It's not like one of those bones where you break it and it gets stronger like the rest of our bones. Yeah, exactly.

Like what happened to Daredevil. That's how Daredevil got his powers. Yeah, exactly. Like what happened to Daredevil. That's how Daredevil got his powers. And Lauren Keene wrote a letter to Aircast Incorporated, the company that made the cast that she kept on her ankle. And they were so excited that they gave her a lifetime supply of Aircasts because she would have to live with this disability for the rest of her life. So three aircasts. What are we talking about? Yeah. What does that mean? Lifetime supply.

Five, seven? Casual, formal, and beach? Is that the three? Okay. You've got to have a flesh-colored one for bikini season. Yeah, and one for special occasions. exactly like a formal cast black tie white tie there was a period of time where steph curry who is you know modern nba players it probably goes lebron kobe steph in terms of just like appeal impact whatever there was the whole thing was like, Golden State should get rid of this guy.

Weak ankles. That was it. He had weak ankles and he would like constantly hurt his ankles and everyone was like, I don't know about this little guy. 6'3", by the way, this little guy, his ankles. And you're just like, is that the issue? That was like a legit question concern for years.

We should trade him and get some value for him because he's got these weak ankles. But he's like one of the best. He's one of the best basketball players of all time. Truly extraordinary. But it does show you that many of the world's greatest athletes have parts of their bodies so broken that they are essentially a cyborg yeah they're all they're all steph curry like it's not like it's not like the rap on steph curry was that he had weak ankles but actually he didn't have weak ankles he did have we he truly like you would see him in his shoes and you're like that man has a wrap around his feet and lower brace that is like what the ski patrol would do

to you if you broke every bone in your lower body plummeting down a double black diamond they're truly built to do their sport have you ever read the thing about michael phelps and his body and how like he's like genetically predisposed to all this shit like yeah he's got some like mutations or something right he can process like something like more oxygen than we can but then also like if you look at like they if you think of his foot and like you can you know flex your foot forward and pull it back a little bit. He can pull his feet so far back that his toes, if this is your leg, your lower leg, these are your toes,

he can pull his toes this far back that way. So his fingers can almost reach back and touch his forearm. So his hands and feet are fucking flippers in the water. You are born to do this, Michael Phelps. You have this long, weaselly torso. You're slipping through the water and you have flippers. Like you were born to do this.

You're like a metahuman. Yeah, I think there was some point in elementary school when a teacher or a coach took his mother aside and said, your son has the long, weaselly torso of a champion swimmer. You got to get him out of here. You got to get him out of here and get him into the water. But I mean, it's not. Slither around. I would say it's not just professional athletes who have that. I mean, just as. Oh, no.

Just as champion swimmer Michael Phelps has that extraordinary ability to process oxygen in his breath comedy writer nick adams has the same thing with uh marijuana listen to stay upright to stay functional to process story also also don't don't cut michael phelps short because he can do that as well. Michael Phelps is a dual threat athlete. This guy's got flipping and gong. Yeah. Massive flips. Classic flipping gong there. Massive rips for Phelps.

Emily, I need to ask you a really serious question. Yeah. I always enjoy following Emily a really serious question. Yeah. I always enjoy, I enjoy following Emily Heller's Instagram. Occasionally there will be a smash hit viral post about a clever outfit that she's worn to the Emmys. That's a lot of fun. I look every time I look at this and I say,

look at this clever outfit that my friend Emily wore to the Emmys. This is a home run. So I'm not here to put down the clever outfits you wear to the Emmys that are on your Instagram feed, that probably draw many to your Instagram feed. But for me, at the center of the appeal of the Emily Heller Instagram feed is clothes your dad made for you. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. My dad has become like a virtuosic seamster. I don't know what the males are. I love seamster. The seamster's union. The seamster. Sewing clothes. Aren't they the ones who bring the light standards in and out of television and film sets? Are they the ones with the fez hats? Yeah. The tiny cars yeah yeah so if you want to follow my dad on instagram he's at a real heller but so my dad is you know descended

from a long line of like jewish tailors like it's a family thing that he had just and he used to be a woodworker like he's really good at like building things and this has just been one of his like retirement hobbies that he picked up and got really good at right away and one of the things that i think has been so fascinating about it for me is just seeing like this is like a you know he's like a boomer 70 something guy who normally wears like t-shirts and jeans the clothes he's making for himself when he's like the stores won't sell me what i want is so much further out there than i would have expected like he's making himself like like sort of like kimono jackets and just- The 70s and the 80s were fucking wild. They were wild. Yeah, this guy's got on whatever like Rob Lowe wore to a club.

But a club in Osaka or some shit. Yeah, a lot of like sort of Alohaa shirts but with like very surprising patterns he mixes patterns a lot he's very bold and brave and honestly like i have commissioned several garments from him and i would say he's usually trying to get me to make them more experimental there's nothing that a middle-aged or older man loves more than a Hawaiian shirt, but it's not flowers. It's like hot sauce. You know what I mean? They love to take it and flip it a little.

Arizona Diamondbacks logos. He did one with like koi fish he's really into, and he did really good pattern matching. I'm pulling it up right now. Emily, how much Steely Dan does your father listen to? Just like one to 10, 10 being like crazy, too much Dan, chill bro, dollar bag. We never listened to Steely Dan growing up. It was like James Taylor, Indigo Girls, Grateful Dead.

Last time I saw him, he was wearing- He's hovering in the area. We're in the area. But this is, these are Berkeley's Steely Dans. Yeah. Yes. So wait, can you see this shirt that he's wearing? It's two different-

Oh my God, I love the sleeves. The sleeves are everything. Two different patterns of cheetah print. Yeah. He's really into contrasting. I fuck with that. I mean, last time I saw him, he was wearing, we had a masked outdoor hang,

and he was wearing a mask that had the Grateful Dead logo and it said, make America grateful again. Yeah, I'm with it. So I feel like I've painted quite a picture. I feel like I absolutely want to smoke out with your father 100%. I want to get out with him and his dad. The theme of your father's work, and I've enjoyed seeing so much of it on your Instagram, not just shirts, but also vests. The theme of your father's work is like things a lady would wear in 1992 if she was a Berklee Performances subscriber. Yes. performances subscriber yes this is a person who is going to see art garfunkel performing

at zellerbach hall in berkeley in a uc berkeley sponsored arts series performance but it is a lady and she's wearing chunky jewelry yes he is I mean... Emily is just showing us pictures. I'm just holding up my phone to my computer screen. They're all amazing. These shirts are amazing. They're amazing. And he's starting to think about taking commissions. Please encourage him. He's starting

to make some bags and stuff, and he's thinking about how to do it, but it really is like, he just really likes making stuff for people he loves. But the most recent thing, well, i guess he did just make me a leopard print shirt that i asked for but the thing he made me before that was i commissioned him to make me a version of the seinfeld jacket where it's brown on the outside and on the inside it's pink and white stripe lining yeah so you can take it off and he sent it to me and it didn't show up and we were both like losing our minds like it you know who fucking took it emily newman yeah fucking newman fucking

newman because the usps the usps said that it had been delivered and it hadn't been delivered and i was i like wrote out like 15 cards to anyone in my neighborhood whose address was even a little bit like mine being like please if you've seen that should happen so much i need i need this so much and then i eventually posted on twitter about it being like here's the pictures that he took before he sent it to me if you see anyone wearing this jacket steal it and give it back to me please and some incredibly cool postal worker went rogue and like went into the system and was like i can find you the exact gps of where it was dropped off and it was dropped off at a mattress store near my house and i called them and they had it and they were like they asked me like what's the name and i said it was emily heller and they were like yeah i think i think we have it yeah and i

went and showed up and got it and i was like thank you so much oh my god and i picked it up and it said like it was addressed to emmy fun fun which is like my my nickname from my dad and i was like i can't believe the guy at the mattress store did not give me a hard time about this. I mean, it explains why the guy at the mattress store didn't just Google the name and come up with famous comedian Emily Heller. I like to think,

I imagined immediately that they were checking on the name because they had received multiple Seinfeld jackets addressed to different people. They wanted to get you the right one because the other package had one of those eight ball jackets that Putty wears. That Putty wears. I think your dad really has a future in this. I would love to see you introduce your father to the Japanese aesthetic called hobo style.

Okay. I think your dad could do a lot with this. I say show him some capital look books. Okay. Check out some crazy hats. Check out a few like half jackets where half the jacket is there and half of it isn't. I think your dad could do a lot with that particular look.

As a man of a certain age, your dad is also capitalizing on what happens when you get older is that if the husband comes out of the bathroom or the bedroom and he's dressed to go out and the wife is like, well, shit, he did something. Okay, here we go you know what i mean like he had a plan i don't necessarily love it he made a choice he tried he put effort and thought into it and this is what we're going with tonight okay okay nick i have to tell you your idea of what my mom's reaction would be could not be more wrong. My mom is not more conventional than my dad in how she dresses. Oh, so he doesn't go far enough? No, she loves it, and she thinks it's great,

but she's never going to be like, that's weird. Wow. Nick, the thing that you're- It's love what they have. I think what you're describing is true love what they have. Yeah. No, yeah. I mean, they're both fucking Bay Area hippies.

They met at a BART station because my dad was juggling. If that tells you anything about- Do you know how confident you have to be as a juggler to fucking do it at a BART station? We should explain that Emily's dad is mystery from the game. Oh, me? What am I doing? Juggling? What's it to you?

That truly is hanging out at the BART station juggling is the is the Berkeley version of the game. Yes. He was talking about what the big deal is. He was in a pickup club or whatever it is that they do in that. And he and his buddies were talking about what would attract babes.

Did he have the bowling pin? He was club juggling i think yeah yeah i would say he was either club juggling or he had to have had like five balls or something yeah he was either club juggling who is definitely in a juggling club here's the thing was he club juggling he was not he was not juggling in order to meet women if anything meeting my mom derailed what would have been a juggling career because he was

you gotta focus on the clubs he was planning on enrolling in the Ringling Brothers clown school when he met my mom and then he decided not to too bomb it was too bomb he was like I can't with these clowns anymore man Emily did your family car as a kid He was like, I can't with these clowns anymore, man.

Emily, did your family car as a kid have a lot of bumper stickers on it? Oh, you mean that say, I break for butterflies? Yes. This is the category. This is the Joshua Tree section of our car. This section is reserved for just Joshua Tree bumper stickers. Visualize world peas. I'm going to give you, Jesse, one guess as to what kind of car our family car was. Subaru, baby.

Well, I mean, my first thought is Escalade. But I'm going to go with a Volvo wagon. Ding, ding, ding. You have hit the nail on the head. It was a Volvo station wagon. It was a gold Volvo station wagon. Would you guys like for us to pre-age this Volvo? We can make your Volvo look like it's about seven years older than it really is.

Okay, excellent. We just leave it outside in Sweden for a while. It is. Okay, excellent. We'll do that. We'll just leave it outside in Sweden for a while. Yeah. And Emily, I have a picture already in my head of your parents in the Volvo. You're in the backwards facing rear seats.

Of course. They're dropping you off at Rasputin's. Buying some records. Buying the latest spearhead. I think we would go, because we lived in Alameda, we would go to the warehouse, actually. Oh, thank you. Where? The warehouse.

Now we're in business. We did have, in the back of our Volvo station wagon, my dad had got one of those fake human legs that you close in the door of a car. got one of those like fake human legs that you close in the door of a car every single thing you say about your father makes me want to hang out with him more and more he picked that up at the clown school application center i'm like people wonder who goes to spencer's gifts it was my dad i think fake vomit he had like all that kind of shit and yeah so we would close it on there and then i would sit in the back seat me and my brother would sit in the back seat and like we would be on the freeway with the leg hanging out the back and my brother would be acting like his

leg was stuck in the car people would be like freaking out in the cars behind us is this what drove you to become a comedian? Not that there was so much humor going on in your house, but that you were scarred by your shame. I got to show this fucking guy how it's really done. I got to take it up a notch. Your mortification drove you to humor. Jesus Christ.

What really happened is I became a comedian because I was raised in a household without enough shame. Shame was not something that we exchanged in our household. I never had it.

I still don't. You could have used just a soupçon of Catholicism. Just a little sprinkle dinkle on top. You're a hair away from being just a really funny

marketing executive. Exactly. I could have really had my shit together at some point, but no one ever taught me that I'm supposed to hold in my farts. Hey, don't say that shit out loud. What? No, people laugh when I say it. It doesn't matter. Then they go home and talk about how weird you are.

Don't say that shit out loud. Yeah, I didn't learn that until i was like 31 is there any is there anyone in your family who's not on board for this like it sounds like your mom is on board for this you're were your siblings all in for what like this nonsense that was in your home love jesse is that what you love is that what you're talking about i don't know i'm not familiar with that, Nick. I'm not familiar. There are not, there's no one in my immediate family who's not a stone cold freak. What about the extended family?

What happens when you go to a family wedding or a funeral? No, I mean, I think like some, the rest of our family's pretty weird. No, I mean, they're normal. I don't know. They don't care. I do think we are the weird ones at most of the like larger family functions that we go to, but not by a lot. Yeah, my my extended family are so normal. They're very bright.

They're really good folks who definitely have. They're much more on top of family than my, either part of my family, either my father or my mother who were, you know, divorced when I was very young. Like, you know, my aunt, my aunt Deb was married to my uncle Wayne from when they were in high school till the day he passed. May he rest in peace. Wonderful man, my uncle Wayne. in high school till the day he passed. May he rest in peace. Wonderful man, my Uncle Wayne. And my Aunt Deb is a real estate agent who specializes in life transitions. She helps old people move into retirement homes and sell their house. And they treat me with a sort of fond tolerance.

I think the fact that I'm more normal and together than either of my parents, that helps. But like my cousin on my dad's side, who is a contractor or my other cousin who is a physical therapist in orange county southern orange county yikes like they're they're so nice and so regular and when i come to visit they kind of they smile very sincerely at me. I can see in their heads this like, well, there's Jesse. He's doing his thing, whatever that is. Can I tell you something?

One of my cousins was here visiting. And then it was a cousin who had moved out here and he was in Oxnard. And then his brother-in-law and his brother-in-law's like close friend from Maryland were out here and we were hanging out. And one of them turns to me, this was years ago, one of them turns to me and he goes, hey, what do people do here? And, you know, they were visiting. They were kind of on a vacation and I was in between jobs or whatever. And we were walking around, hanging out. I think we smoked out and we went to the farmer's market.

We were goofing around and i think when people come here and they see the industry or showbiz or hollywood or whatever and they're just like what the fuck how does this work and you're like are you making money not really right now and they're like yeah but you're hanging out and doing stuff and then you start to make money you explain your job and they're like i don't understand how this works what is a producer what is a podcast how does that make money well see it's hard like they don't it's not real to them you're a nurse you're a school teacher you do marketing you know what i mean like these are defined jobs i'm pharmacy tech but then you start saying all these things that we talk about and they're just like i don't know what the fuck is that real is jesse jesse have secret money that we don't know about like you just say you're a union man

yeah like it doesn't it's not real to them my for a living to other baby boomers could be a comedy nerd. She's like a comedy nerd of things on CBS. Okay, yeah. And I don't think anything I had ever done in my career had made an impact. She thought my career was neat. You know what I mean? She was generally supportive. made an impact like she thought my career was neat you know what i mean like she was generally supportive it's not like she was ever against it but you know they don't like come to my shows yeah when i'd be in washington dc where they live they're like oh we're in northern virginia it's a 20 minute drive live comedy for a non-famous person i'm on the dave cause smooth jazz cruise right now i can't come but the first thing that i mean my first of all my aunt deb is genuinely funny and

she's very bright and interesting and awesome but the first thing that and i think to this day the only thing that has ever made an impact about my career with her is that I met Terry Crews. Like me meeting Terry Crews. It's as though I said to her that I met the Pope. And I was like, Deb, do you watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine? And she's like, it's my favorite show. And I'm like, you know what? Good pick.

Good pick. You're right. Look, you could have told me Big Bang Theory was your favorite show. No offense to all the great people that work on there. A special salute to John Ross Bowie. But like- It's time for a special salute to John Ross Bowie. Our regular segment on Jordan, Jesse Go.

Did you know he's a playwright so i i like i but but besides that i'm basically like like you know how sometimes do you remember where you were the first time you found out that there was like chickens that looked all crazy you know know what I mean? Like the genetically modified... The breast got too big for them to walk. Crazy. No, not the kind that... Just ones that didn't look like they were from a kid's book. Like that weren't just like white

with the like perfect little red. Exactly. Like ones that have like real messed up weird feathers. Yeah, ones with crazy feathers. Nobody eats that ridiculous bird. And you're like, look at that thing. And you think it's pretty neat.

You think it's cool, but you don't understand it. You're like, it's still a chicken, right? Or is it a different kind of bird? That is basically how my family feels about my humanity. They're basically like, huh, look at Jesse. He's still a person, right? I didn't know people came like that. It is, for 99% of America, a totally random thing, though.

What do you do? Where do you work? I work at the hospital. I work at the university. I go here and I do the job. What do you do? I have these shows. And then sometimes I do stand-up.

And then sometimes I write for shows and like, motherfucker, that's the most chaotic crazy sounding shit. I'll tell you a story. Real quick. I was working on a show called Perfect Couples and Mid-Season Replacement on NBC. They were like, we're going to launch the premiere early. I emailed everybody,

Facebook, whatever. And then something happened and the timing got off and they showed it at the wrong time, whatever. My stepdad, who was born and raised in Harlem, New York, was like, hey man, I set the DVR to record your show, but it wasn't on.

Instead, NBC aired some shit called The Office. I was like, yeah, James, it's The Office, massively successful scripted comedy. And he was talking about it as if he had never- He just turned to the camera and raised one eyebrow. Yeah, exactly. He was talking about it as if it was completely new to him.

And you're just like, people- As if he was like, what is the Space Jam? Yeah, what is the Space Jam? is the space jam yeah what is the space jam my immediate family has that relationship with all media except especially my mom like my dad had some understanding of the world around him my mother lives in a world where the things that people know about are like Baudrillard and then like Parliament like those are like the things that my mom knows about

Parliament not Funkadelic Parliament and the Mothership the Mothership is what like my mom will tell me about no absolutely not although she has become interested Mothership is what, like, my mom will tell me about. When British Parliament she knows fuck all about. No, absolutely not. Although she has become interested in royal weddings in her doge age. Oh, God.

Oh, God. She got cable TV and became interested in royal weddings. But, yeah, like, my mom will tell you all about Gary Scheider from Parliament. But she truly does, like, my mom is friendly with boots riley of the coup but my mom 100 has never heard of the big bang theory 100 it's it's so fascinating to me because at a certain point for one your parents become like your kids or your in-laws become like your kids and you have to explain everything to them and they just don't know things that they should know. Just like basic stuff.

You're like, how the fuck do you not know that? But what happens as an adult at a certain age, your brain goes, okay, here's the deal. I can remember about 70% of this shit. Wait, what do you mean? All of it. All of the stuff that I've ever heard in my entire life, I can keep 70, 65, 70% of it in my brain. And it's an arbitrary number that just is gone. And you're going to have to remind me every time.

Like, I'm too old. I have too many things. That is a much higher number than my number. My number is so much lower. 70%? That is wild. 30 seems strong. Yeah, the flip side of that seems generous.

Too many things in my brain. Something has to give. I want to make sure that I tell this story while I'm on this episode, while we're thinking of stuff we remember. Because one of the things that's been happening over the pandemic is I've been reconnecting with a lot of people. And a lot of times what happens is we, we will end up reminiscing about something and one of us will tell a story

that the other one just absolutely does not remember. And I realized I remember like one story about every person that I know. And Nick, the story I- Which you've been telling in your mind for years probably. Nick, the story I remember about you was when we used to work together on a TV show and we had an incredibly sensual experience with a whiteboard together.

Oh, my God. Do you remember this? I know exactly what you're talking about. So we worked on this show and we had this whiteboard that was so shitty. It was like you had to spray it down with so much cleaning fluid to erase anything. to spray it down with so much cleaning fluid to erase anything and we were like this we made we made them get us a new whiteboard because we were like this is just this isn't a functional whiteboard it has lost its essential gloss and it it was a brand new so we didn't understand why it wasn't working they bought off its depot and then two weeks before the show wrapped maybe one week

it was a week it was one week it was one week we had one week left at this fucking job and someone was just like looking at it and poking it with their finger and they were like oh we didn't take the film off it I was like

oh fuck like in the very corner it was not obvious in our defense it was like in the very corner. It was not obvious in our defense. It was like in the very corner. I was like, is that? Because it looks like a little. And I just pulled it and the whole thing just came off. Well, you and I took opposite sides and you and I both peeled off slowly and satisfyingly this giant sheet of plastic that had been covering this whiteboard for four months or whatever

and I remember you said something like you play acted you were like telling your wife about what happened between you and me you were like something happened at work today that just made me feel some weird stuff it's like the most satisfying thing I've ever done with a woman

it was incredibly sensual it was great just like the most satisfying thing I've ever done with a woman. It was incredibly sensual. It was great. It was great. Just like the smoothness that it came off with. Oh, my God. And that thing of like, is this happening? Oh, yeah, it's happening.

It's happening. It's coming off in one piece. It came off in one piece. You look at the showrunner, you're like, can I eat lunch at home today? I have to change my pants. My Aunt Debbie, my aforementioned Aunt Debbie. The one thing that I remember about- I'm sorry, do you mean Aunt Deb? Yeah, sorry. She goes by Debbie now. She's gotten older. As this podcast has gone along.

Yeah. My aunt, I had this one sort of story memory with her which was that when i visited her as like a 17 year old stayed at their house in northern virginia she had recommended that i would really like this one show she liked on the game show network and i remember just thinking jesus fucking christ aunt deb do you really think that i want to watch the fucking game show network like no offense but i am a i watch larry sanders on bootleg vhs tapes and you want me to watch some shit also the practice but i mean i don't love it it's just like it's comforting yeah so then about eight years later i went there and i hadn't seen her in quite a while and i pulled her aside and i said, Deb, I got to tell you something. She said, what's that, Jesse? And I said, I just want you to know that when I was here in 1998 or whatever, you recommended a show to me.

And I kind of laughed and I was probably like kind of dismissive. And I feel really bad about that now. And she said, oh, really? And I said, you said it was a really funny show. And I was like, inside my head, I was like, it's on the Game Show Network, whatever. But now I realize that National Lampoon's Funny Money was hosted by Jimmy Pardo. Pardo and Jimmy Pardo is my friend now. And what was great about it was she was so unimpressed that I was friends with Jimmy Pardo.

I'm like, come on. This has been digging a hole inside my soul for 10 years that I did this mean thing. And I really thought that the prestige was going to be when I say look at my phone contacts I can text Jimmy Pardo anytime I want and she truly didn't care do you want a cameo from Jimmy Pardo you know what her

indifference was her revenge yeah I know she took me down 17 pegs here comes fucking Jesse oh I know what he's's gonna talk about okay yeah here it is now now he's gonna genuflect and apologize fuck you jesse we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, episode of jordan jessico brought to our listeners by our listeners folks who've gone to maximum fund.org join and become members of maximum fund it's a membership organization like the shriners yeah i do know that it's uh it's great we use all the money to build children's hospitals also yeah that's it's one of my favorite parts yeah and the hats we got great hats that's why you've worked here for so long yeah we're also brought to you this week

by the good people at magic spoon brian can i ask you a question yeah you know what i ate for breakfast this morning uh a magic spoon no potato salad but yesterday okay yesterday i ate magic spoon for breakfast and most days it's just that I was out of milk this morning. So I looked in my fridge and I was like, potato salad, that's probably a breakfast, right? Yeah. And I did really eat some potato salad for breakfast today. But yesterday and the day before and the day before that, I ate Magic Spoon that I bought with my own money. Brian, with my own money.

I like the peanut butter flavor best. Did you use our promo code? My wife buys it and I think she doesn't use the promo code. We've covered this on the show before. I think that she doesn't use the promo code and I don't get credit for my own purchases of Magic Spoon that I'm actually personally eating. Magic Spoon, zero grams of sugar,

13 or 14 grams of protein, 140 calories, four net grams of carbs in each serving. The amount of flavor that they get out of a bowl of no cereal cereal, that is cereal without grains in it, is pretty extraordinary. It is really tasty stuff. extraordinary it is it is really tasty stuff and when you're like oh no sugar in this like the a very appropriate amount of calories as part of my balanced breakfast and it's like enough protein to stick to your ribs it is a really it is a really miracle of modern science is the only way i can describe it i grew up on like all sugar cereal like just exclusively eating sugar like really sugary cereal and i can't you really bary cereal. And I can't believe it. You really, Brian?

It's not, I don't believe you. Yeah, you would have never guessed that, right? Knowing what I know about your family, I never would have guessed. You know, but somehow I feel like this is like a magic, like it says magic, it's magic spoon, but it feels like a magic trick every time you eat it. Because it's like, I don't understand how they recreated the sugary cereal of my youth, but it's not bad for you. Yeah, it's pretty great stuff.

And even me, I'm not really into sweet cereal. That's why I like that peanut butter flavor. But even the frosted flavor, which is sort of like the frosted cereals of your childhood. There's a few different kinds. That's really nice, too. And that's one of the kinds of sweet cereal I do like. Anyway, go to magicspoon.com slash JJ Go to try it today. Be sure to use our promo code JJ Go at checkout to save $5 off your order. And Magic Spoon is so confident in their product,

it's backed with a 100% happiness guarantee. So if you don't like it for any reason, they'll refund your money, no questions asked. Remember, get your next delicious bowl of cereal at magicspoon.com slash JJGO and use the code JJGO to save $5 off. Thank you, Magic Spoon, for sponsoring this episode. And now from cereal to balls, the classic Jordan, Jesse, go transition. We're also this week brought to you by the good folks at Manscaped. You know, are your balls out of control? Always.

Well then. Well then. If your balls are like Burt Reynolds' chest, Manscaped has a product for you. Did you hear all this stuff about how celebrities don't bathe? Yeah. You know about this? Yeah, geez.

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you're talking about the lawnmower trimmer the weed whacker ear and nose hair trimmer i just use that today true story that's great i used it to stir up my potato salad uh the crop preserver ball deodorant because you know ashton got stank balls. The toner, the boxer briefs, the travel bag, all of that extraordinary stuff. Get 20% off and free shipping with the code JJGO at manscaped.com. That's 20% off free shipping with the code JJGO at manscaped.com. For a clean Trinity and beyond, your Spaceballs will thank you. Ashton Kutcher doesn't really need the 20% off because he's got that money from that 400-episode Netflix show that no one's ever seen. With Sam Elliott.

It's Ashton Kutcher and Sam Elliott. Is that Angela Lansbury? What is going on in this show? Tyler Perry plays the neighbor? Doesn't have a producer credit or anything. He's just the neighbor on it? No, he's only the actor. 20% off and free shipping with the code JJGO at manscaped.com.

It's what Angela Lansbury would want for you. Yeah. We'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart permanent It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Permanent and forever co-host Nick Repeat Adams. And I'm your guest, Emily Hellbone Heller.

We should explain that Jordan's body is decomposing in a vat of lye underneath nick's house right now he's in currently in the city of commerce and unincorporated commerce is where jordan is you've called one of those sheriff's gangs to take care of them banditos incorporated unincorporated los angeles run by sheriff's gangs google lasd gangs yes yes google that shit uh when something momentous happens to you like uh legendary podcast guest co-host nick adams tosses you in nevada lie in his basement becomes a permanent podcast co-host we ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN or just send us an email with a voicemail attached to it. Wait, voice memo is the word I'm looking for. JJGo at MaximumFun.org. Now, I'm not going to lie to you guys.

You know that gif of Jordan Peele from Key and Peele where he's like making a face and the and the sweat is running down his head in like sheets famous award-winning uh film director jordan peele is that who you're exactly that's what brian our producer looks like right now is he worries about whether he can both respond to comments on facebook at the live stream and pull up the clips on his phone. Like peek behind the curtain. We have not yet figured out how to send audio clips through Zoom. So when we play the momentous occasions,

Brian drops them in afterwards in the audio, but live, he just- You guys don't know how to do share audio? Yeah, it's like a LimeWire? He holds his phone up to the microphone. Yeah, it's like a lime wire to his D-share, then BitTorrent, and then down. We can do share audio, but it never comes up. There's some people it just doesn't play for,

so we've had a lot of people that can't hear it. So we just switched to Brian holding the speaker of his phone up to the microphone. Every company involved in this podcast is evaluated at like half a million dollars. Play our first call, Brian. Hi, Jesse and Jeff. This is Craig calling from the middle of a lake in Quebec. I was listening to your podcast and you were talking about timing your orgasms

to a family feud event. And I thought I would share my well-timed orgasm when I was in Cuba. Me and my lady friend were having sexual intercourse and while I was receiving a blowjob, I orgasmed exactly

when Joanna Susswit is at a home run on the ball game. Anyway, I'm going to cut him. I was 100% sure he was going to say that he came when Fidel died. First of all, shout out to socialism for giving this man

and his lady friend six weeks paid vacation to go to Cuba and spend time doing their own research and finding out for themselves and not being behind a wall of capitalist media. My wife lived in Cuba for a little while. She said they have a lot of ice cream. Other kinds of food can sometimes be hard to get, but you can always get ice cream. Listen, you can fully, I will sacrifice 20% of all other foodstuffs for can always get ice cream listen you can fully i will sacrifice 20 of all other foodstuffs for more readily available that's the america socialists like nick adams want and

let's be frank it sounds great i feel like we've kind of blown past something important which is that like were we supposed to be talking about coming for the on the show for most of it because i don't think we even touched on it. If you did, it was a momentous occasion. Depending on how, I mean, I don't know his orgasm specifically, but like. We only talked about Bugs Bunny. Yeah. I mean, that's the kind of orgasm we typically cover on this program.

Sure, it's usually characters from Super Mario, but, you know. We're trusting that the orgasm was momentous because otherwise, yeah, it was a frivolous call. Do you think John Leguizamo and Bob Hoskins ever made out on the set of Super Mario? I think they probably did once or twice. Just because the outfits are so hot. I have to imagine that was a stressful

shoot so I don't know if that lends itself to them blowing off more steam Hoskins is like I did the fucking rabbit thing and now they want me to do this shit I thought I was done with this crap and then like Rosamo's like I'm the new hot Latino comic

this is the thing that they I don't know about this. I should be doing my 48 hours, my Beverly Hills Cop. I'll do the Mario and then I'll do 48 hours. I want an oral history of the making of, an oral history of the making of Mario Brothers because I have no,

it could really go either way, what they thought that project was going to do. You can see either of them being like, no, this is going to, we're going to win Oscars for this shit. People aren't ready for Mario. They're not ready for this. Like, I could see both of them fully being on board. Emily, 100% that was a seven part series on Grantland in 2014.

Yeah. 100% that already exists. We all love the seminal film, Mario Brothers. Wait, hold on. What did we say? 1,700 words later. Do you think there was a point where, I mean, seminal film. Talk about a seminal film.

Oh. Do you think there was a point where John Legwisamo called his agent from the set and he just looked down at his overalls and said to his agent from house of buggin to this listen listen if you walk then louis guzman is there in like 20 minutes do you want that do you want that john let's take another call let's take another call hey j and j and go and sunny d this is steve from pennsylvania and uh you almost certainly don't remember this but i called a couple years ago to say that uh my domestication was that i

was starting tms or transcranial uh magnetic stimulation therapy to try to cure my treatment-resistant depression. Went through all that and went through it again the second time. Unfortunately, it didn't work. And so now my mental health professionals have decided it's time to step it up to another level. So today I started ketamine therapy. So basically I went and I sat in a very comfy chair and I got an IV full of ketamine shot into me while the doctor watched

the whole time as I tripped balls. And hopefully this is going to be the thing that finally does it. But I thought that it was pretty funny that I was, you know, like watching exercise and clocks like melt as a medical procedure. Love you both. Your podcast has helped me get through a lot. And yeah, keep on doing what you do. Bye. We love to magnetize heads on Jordan Jesse Go. Support it

100%. Everybody who listens to Jordan Jesse Go has fucking paper clips stuck to their head. This is great. I support it. Good luck. Good luck in your mental health journey. I want an update. Absolutely. God. Fucking special K for

medicine. They do that magnet thing for migraine headaches my wife was just asking me if i had ever if if i had ever talked to my doctor about doing it for migraine headaches i say do it but i also like uh i have an hmo i got kaiser and uh they're not going to approve it so i'm just going to go on Amazon and buy some of those rare earth magnets and just glue them to the inside of a hat and see how it goes. I know that these things probably work and have real scientific foundation, but it's hard not to just think about Jesse from Breaking Bad. Just being like, magnets! just being like magnets i was gonna say jesse you should like if you when you applied for this therapy guys are just gonna send you the insane clown posse gift of like fucking magnets how do those work like magnets how do they work to cure mental illness question mark hi i'm violent jay

and i think you should talk to your doctor about... Shaggy T-Dopes really been through some shit. We had a lot of fun with mental illness today, but I'm Violent J from Insane Clown Posse. I'd like to see Violent J in the doctor's office being administered Faygo for his depression. Yeah, that's the other thing. A juggalo will take whatever just put it in fago you could

just like the vaccine whatever they'll just like second right now yeah yeah if you have a momentous occasion for us 206-984-4FUN or send us your voice memos at jjgoe at maximumfun.org we'll be back in just a second on jordan jessica hey there beautiful people did you hear that good good news Jordan Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Hey there, beautiful people. Did you hear that good, good news? Something about the baby Jesus? He's coming back.

Or do you mean the fact that Apple Podcasts has named Fanti one of the best shows of 2020? I mean, we already knew that we was hot stuff, but a little external validation never hurts, okay? Hosted by me, writer and journalist Jared Hill. And me, the ebony entrantress myself, Travelle Anderson. Fanti is your home for complex conversations about the gray areas in our lives. The people, places, and things we're huge fans of, but got some anti-feelings toward. You name it, we Fantiie you. Nobody's off limits. Check us out every Thursday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your slay-worthy audio.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Are you ready to binge watch something old? The Greatest Generation is a podcast about Star Trek by a couple of hosts a little bit embarrassed to even have a Star Trek podcast. Hosted by me, Ben Harrison. And me, Adam Pranica. We get into the critical, the technical, the science fictional aspects of the show we love while roasting it and each other at the same time. We've completed an entire series about Star Trek The Next Generation and another one about Star Trek Deep Space Nine. And we've just begun Star Trek Voyager. So now is a great time to start watching a new Star Trek series with us.

So subscribe to The Greatest Generation on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts and become a friend of DeSoto today. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Head host and executive producer, Nick Repeat Adams. And I've got a 3.5 out of 5 stars on WikiFeet. It's Emily Heller. Listen, your feet are definitely four-star feet.

Thank you, but I mean, not five. Well, I mean, listen. You know, I mean, I haven't seen Margot Robbie's feet, but I'm just trying to leave room. Wait, you haven't seen Margot Robbie's feet? Because they were in every frame of once upon a time in hollywood i'm the one guy who hasn't seen her feet no i'm just leaving room for you know i don't know what's out there i'm not a foot guy i don't know i'm assuming but there's some kick-ass feet but also assuming that yours are solid solid excellent feet with some room to improve emily in the break you mentioned that you had worked on the television show medical police very funny

spin-off of children's hospital very very funny show medical police and i googled medical police because i was like oh maybe maybe they got a pickup and that's why she was saying that. That would be great if there was more medical police. I googled it. I went, okay, I binged it. I binged it. Sorry I said I googled it, Jonah Ray. I binged it like you told me to, Jonah. I binged it and there's like a picture came up that said medical police on it

it had a picture of the la county sheriff's department medical services bureau which is one of the gangs and so there's a picture there's like a little map window and then underneath it it has a red thing that says covet19 which is a pandemic that's affecting our country no what was it how do you pronounce it it's called covid19 it's called it's spelled exclamation mark covid19 omg covid19 hours or services may vary and now i now in retrospect having spent some time with it i think what that means is that whenever you search for a business in Bing, it tells you they might not be keeping their regular hours because they might be closed because of COVID regulations. But I immediately presumed that it meant that COVID-19 was keeping irregular hours. Right.

Yeah. You can't catch it after sunset, famously. Just don't get COVID-19 19 wet that's the one if you drop covet 19 into a swimming pool uh is nothing but trouble don't feed it after midnight at this point if you're a business, just like your hour should just be the shrug emoji. Like, listen, just fucking call us. Who knows? Just drive by. Just do a slow creep.

Why are you so afraid of getting on the phone in this day and age? Have some human connection, okay? Just give us a call. Nick, Emily, it's been a joy to have you on the program. Emily Heller is the co-host of the Maximum Fun Podcast, Baby Geniuses, along with Lisa Hanawalt. And it is, Baby Geniuses is such a joy and a delight. What a delightful program that is. If you're looking for fun like Jordan, Jesse, Go, but with more listeners sending in pictures of their butts, then Lisa and Emily's show is for you.

So we get to hear butts. Yeah, you get to hear us describe them. You get to hear butts. Yeah, which is us describe you'd like to hear but yeah which is famously what you want out of a butt picture it's just a description of it i mean yeah i think i think howard stern identified that and wrote it to hundreds of millions of dollars so we joke genuinely like to plug the show medical police, which I worked on, which came out the beginning of 2020 when the idea of a global pandemic was just an interesting premise for a television show. And if you stick in there to episode eight, there's a sex scene that I wrote that was shot almost exactly as written. Oh, that sex scene is so funny.

My wife and I watched all of Medical Police right when it came out because it was just the perfect amount of short and funny. And it is a really funny program if, and again, we want to be clear, if you can handle a bunch of silly nonsense jokes about a global pandemic. To be clear. It was written before there was a real global pandemic. But if you can handle a show about a civilization-threatening virus, then Medical Police is for you. And I wrote a sex scene. Nick Adams, do you just want to plug

the featureless wall behind you except for the one comedy writing award that's behind your right shoulder? Mad villain. Always shows. No, I'll plug season three of central park on apple tv which won't be out for a year and a half so suck it season two is on right now i had nothing to do with that so fuck that season um but just hold it don't watch any of it until season three that's when

it really gets good yeah now you know what just watch one and two they're very funny it's a very funny it's a great it's a good show it's a very funny show it's a great it's a good show it's a very funny show you're lucky to work on it Nick I'm very fortunate to work on that show

yeah did you work at all on medical police I did not have yet to write a sex scene so missed opportunity there

Emily worked on medical police that's a very funny show hilarious people over there in the police I guess you guys are both kind of successes

but kind of failures huh I don't know that's how they keep you honest in comedy do you see my dog ramp yeah i mean i don't have a dog ramp this is ultra dog ramps i own and emily's got kaiser she paid cash for that i have two children they both have to climb up on their beds of their own. Just like Philistines. They have to just launch themselves up to their bed. Here's what I say whenever my veterinarian asks me if I'm willing to pay for the procedure that my dog needs. I say, I'm rich and I'm never having children. Keep this dog alive. Oh, my God. Listen, kids or pets, I don't care how many surgeries your dog alive. Oh my God.

Listen, kids or pets, I don't care how many surgeries your dog needs, it's you two making the right financial choice. Your dog needs a kidney. Don't worry, my friend's kids have kidneys. I'll get one. There's no dog in history that's ever gone to Vanderbilt University.

So you're good but that would be a great movie all state schools phd from vanderbilt seriously phd the phd stands for pretty happy dog yeah i'm sending my dog sissy to la trade that's that's like ground beef like ralph's that's like ground beef like ralph's okay our theme music love you by the free design courtesy of the free design and light in the attic records our producer is brian sunny d fernandez looking worried this week the entire time because he was intimidated by the terrible open source software OBS, which really- Orenthal bowel syndrome. Yes.

100%. Brian's got to get his gut biome in check so that he can live stream this show to Facebook. You can join us on Facebook at facebook.com slash JordanJesseGo. We are on Twitter at Jordan underscore Morris at Jesse Thorne at Nick Adams Web We are on Twitter. You can join us on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com.

If you have corrections for this week's program, tweet them at JDPower on Twitter. We will talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.