Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 708: Faux Popes with Yeardley Smith

Episode Date: October 13, 2021

Yeardley Smith (The Simpsons, Small Town Dicks Podcast) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Yeardley's favorite Lisa Simpson merch, how she deals with the weight of doing a true-crime podcast, and the magical food that she made on her cooking show, Oil and Water that made her feel like a sorcerer. Plus, we find out if more clergy members or school principals listen to the show! Check out Yeardley's true-crime podcast Small Town DicksAnd her cooking show Oil and Water!

Hey, welcome to Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne. Known on the show is Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, known on the show as Jordan Morris, boy detective. Welcome, if this is your first episode of Jordan Jesse Go. It's MaxFunBlock party time. That means that we are sharing episodes of the show that we're particularly proud of, that also aren't dense webs of references that will alienate new listeners. So if you're one of those new listeners, welcome on. If you're a continuing listener, well, I'm going to be honest, it's not that much different. You know, we didn't change that much. Probably talked about Wario one less time. Yeah, we're having a ton of fun this week and next week on the MaxFun Block Party.

There's games, recommendations, a volunteer event, a limited edition poster, and more. You can find out all about this stuff at MaximumFun.org slash Block Party. And Jesse, in the spirit of things, do you have a MaxFun show you want to recommend people check out while they're checking out new shows? Yeah. Speaking of dense webs of references, one of my favorite, if not my favorite, MaxFun show is the Beef and Dairy Network, which is a comedy show that takes the form of a news podcast for people in the beef and dairy industries, particularly in the United Kingdom. It is an extraordinary world unto itself. And Ben Partridge, the host, is so brilliantly funny, brings so many amazingly

funny people onto the show. Fans of Jordan Jesse Goh might like checking out the Andy Daly episode or maybe the Nick Offerman episode. Andy Daly was a hamburger, a guy who was bringing his hamburger chain to the UK. And the hamburgers were made of a lot of different kinds of meat. But there's also an episode this week up that's, you know, that's reference free. So if you want to see if it's for you before you start learning about the the world of the beef and dairy network which is incredibly rich um i recommend checking out beef and dairy this week what about you jordan uh i'm a huge fan of the max fun comedy quiz show uh go fact yourself that is hosted by the hilarious helen h J. Keith Van Straten. Really funny comedy quiz show

where they get cool comedians, actors, people from all across the entertainment spectrum and they quiz them about something that they are passionate about and then they have kind of cool experts come on and surprise the guests. It is a ton of fun. Helen and J. Keith are obviously a really funny comedy pair and uh yeah it's just a great show always a delight uh go fact yourself

one of my faves there's all kinds of block party stuff happening you can find it at maximumfun.org slash block party uh and if you want to recommend jordan jesse go to a friend we are always very grateful for that this is a great episode to recommend with a Jesse, go to a friend. We are always very grateful for that This is a great episode to recommend with a great guest. So let's get into it Give a little time for the child within you Don't be afraid to be young and free Under the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and sex and run you It's Jordan, Jesse go. I'm Jesse Thorne America's radio sweetheart. Jordanris boy detective jordan it's an overstatement to call me a hero i think the real heroes jesse i agree that it's an

overstatement i think i agree with you i agree with the premise going into this probably the real heroes would be uh i guess nurses yeah let's say let's let's just rattle them off here. Who are the heroes? Nurses, first responders. Gorillas who know sign language. Single parents. Dolphins who can point to shapes when you ask them to point to a particular shape. Oh, well, if we're going down animal heroes,

painting elephants. Yeah, painting elephants. Who's more heroic than an elephant who transcends his species to express himself or herself or their self through painting? Yeah, so I think that's probably about the top six types of hero. And a lot of people would lump me in with that group, but I think that's probably an overstatement to call me a hero. a hero um but i did i don't think there's anything there's any other way to describe what i did today that doesn't include at least the word heroic right i have a shed jordan let's get into it yeah so i have a shed now a lot of people have a shed um but a lot of their sheds probably have a traditional shed odor it's like a musty odor

you know what i mean just a little smell that's what i asked for at the car wash they're like what do you want do you want clean linen yeah do you want pine yeah or do you want old shed yeah and you're like can you give me one of those and a cherry, please? I want a shed where someone spilled a cordial. I hadn't even thought about asking them to mix up the smells of the car wash. You could do like a car wash scent suicide. You could do like

when you're a kid and there's the self-serve soda machine and you do like a little Coke, a little Sprite, a little DP, a little root beer. I bet if you slip the car guy, the car wash guy, an extra couple of bucks, they'll just like pine, tropical, new car. They'll just give you a scent abomination.

I bet you could just look him in the eyes and just say to him I love this stuff can I have a few? yeah I'd say surprise me I bet they don't get asked to riff you know like when you go to a fancy cocktail bar and you know

you can just ask the bartender to riff you know you're like hey I like you know I like tequila you know I like tequila. I like herbal notes. I want something up. And then you just let them riff. I bet you the car wash scent guy would love that opportunity.

People just telling him what to do all day. Like, wax my undercarriage. Wax my undercarriage. How much are these funny greeting cards? How much are they? Yeah. And then, like, you can just say, go nuts. Do what you express yourself, like a painting elephant.

Dream your dream. Dream your dream. Yeah, just don't get it on the rocks. I'm going to do that. I have to get a car wash today. I'm just going to tell the dude to riff and then see what comes out. My shed was recently constructed. Some shed men came. I'm just going to tell the dude to riff and then see what comes out. My shed was recently constructed. Some shed men came.

Shed construction is an extraordinary business. Team shed. Yeah, this lies beside our point. But just three men came to my house and built an entire shed that looks like a house in four hours. I don't know how they did it. You know, a lot of people consider Shedman the seventh hero. Yeah. That's why they call Shedman the seventh hero. So this shed is relatively new.

It's only been there a few months. But Jordan, I had a concern. And the concern was that instead of that fresh, woody must of, you know, old, like, unwanted school textbooks and things your mom sent you from your childhood room, traditional shed contents, maybe a can of WD-40 adding a little sweetness, there was what can only be described as the smell of death. Now, I presumed, Jordan. Yes. I presumed it was a dead possum. Because, not because I bear any malice towards possums, but just if something's going to be dead under your shed,

it seems like it would probably be a possum. Right, because they're known for playing dead, so you think that one just got kind of carried away. Yeah, exactly. shed it seems like it would probably be a possum right because they're known for playing dead so you think that one just got kind of carried away yeah exactly you start playing dead and then next thing you know ah shit i actually died fuck i flew too close to the sun on wings of wax the other reason i thought maybe it was a possum and the the way this situation spun out in my head is that the handyman had been over and the electrician had told me that he had a shed like my shed in his backyard. And the electrician lives down the street from me. He had a shed like my shed in his backyard and animals

kept making their home underneath. So he said, before animals make their home underneath, put some two by fours at the base of your shed to close in. You know, it's got one of those things where it's up off the ground three or four inches. He said, close that in so nobody, so no, you don't get one of those rat kings in there. And I said, that wasn't the example he gave,

but he probably said possum. Sure. But you're worried that Dungeons & Dragons enemies will start making home. So you're worried about bugbears. I was about to say bugbears. Observers. Bugbear was the only Dungeons & Dragons bad guy

I could think of. Bugbear's the quintessential i think dungeons and dragons enemy grit uh so i cast fireball that's all i got on that front we're down the road of my memories of so i had him put i had the handyman was over so i said hey can you close up the bottom of the shed so no animals make their home there and And my assumption was, as I went back and forth to the shed over the course of a few weeks, and this rich, sickening aroma filled the shed, I thought, oh no, did I cask of a Montoyado opossum? Right. a possum right did i was there already a possum under there making its home and i and i locked it in there right just just just yeah just lousy with babies clinging to it oh man i hope that's

not what happened or else i'm gonna be bummed and. And I'm thinking, what am I going to do about this? I guess I just have to ride it out. I'm not going to. The only other option I could think of was to take one of the edges off. Right. And then go in there for the stank using a pool tool or possibly that hook that the Sandman uses at the apollo sure what about some stank tongs i don't have any fucking stank tongs well go over to amazon i hold on i gotta go to wire cutter first and find out which are the good ones yeah just don't get the don't get the don't just

automatically get the amazon recommended stank tongs yeah Yeah. I went in, because you can game that system. I went in there to get some wood screws, and I happened to look down, and this is the heroic part. Okay. I see an open, half-drunk protein drink. And that was the stank.

The stank was so extraordinary, so eye-melting, so sickening. It was almost beyond words. And I picked it up and I held it as far as I could from me, which was not far enough, and brought it to the trash can. And then I realized that if I dropped it in the trash can, my trash can would smell like that forever. Right. So I enlarged the little hole at the top of a trash bag.

You know, it doesn't always close as tight as, you know. Right, yeah. You got a little space there. I put, while still holding this thing in arms as far as I could, I enlarged the little hole. And without spilling it, I set the trash bag so it wasn't going to tip over. I squished it down into the hole and then kind of pushed it so the side of the trash bag covered the top of the protein drink. And that, friend, is why I am almost a hero. I am a normal dad, a father of three, who has engaged in a heroic act.

That's really beautiful. I'm thinking, oh, I think this is great. I mean, I think I've kind of changed my mind. Up top, I was kind of skeptical. But I'm saying, hey, if there's any shed men listening, go screw, because, Jesse, you're the seventh hero. Yeah. Our guest on this week's program, on Jordan, Jesse Goe. And what a thrill. what a thrill it is to

have this guest yeah for sure in here almost certainly the best guest we've ever had on this program sorry al madrigal just trying to take al madrigal down a peg yeah guy so fucking full of himself you know who gave me my handyman's phone number al mad Madrigal. That guy's always got a guy. That guy's always got a guy. Our guest on this week's program is a podcast host. She's the host of the fascinating true crime interview program Small Town Dicks.

She cooks on Instagram and YouTube. She plays a character named Lisa on a show called The Simpsons. And of course she's best known as one of the stars of Herman's Head, Yardley Smith. Yardley, welcome to Jordan, Jesse Goh. What a thrill to have you here. Thank you so much. I'm so delighted to be here.

That is one of the best introductions I've ever received. I have to say, I don't think there is a single topic we, outside of Wario, which is the evil Mario, I don't think there is a single topic we have spent more time discussing on Jordan Jesse Go than Herman's head. Why is that? I do not know. Hard to say. I don't know, nor do I believe you. It's all too true,ley all too true it's one of those things where you just like you just need a pull for a like tv show from your childhood and

for whatever reason that became herman's head and yeah and it's just like once in a while it's drexel's class once in a while if we feel like. Why not Parker Lewis Can't Lose, which was designed for people our age at the time? Don't know. I will say it has an avid cult following because we were only on for three seasons. So we were never in syndication because of course the magic number is 100 episodes,

which is five seasons. We never made that benchmark. So people who saw it and loved it, really love it, and are always asking for some sort of reunion, which I don't think will ever happen, sadly. God, you know, with the rise of streaming services, I think the time is ripe for the Herman's Head reunion. Come on, Peacock.

Come on, HBO Max. I think given the numbers, the Friends thing did. I think we can do half of that with Herman's head, right? I do. And also, I mean, to be perfectly frank, I think all of those streaming services are desperate for content because, so remember when they used to put something on

and you could just binge the whole series in a weekend? Then they got smart, like, oh shit, we don't have enough content for that to keep happening. So now they meet out the episodes one week at a time, just like regular networking. Like, well, excuse me, I paid for a subscription. Can I binge it all at once? And you're like, no, no, you cannot. No, sorry. That's not how we do things anymore. It's about self-preservation. You may not do that.

Would love to spend an entire weekend watching Herman's head, You may not do that. Would love to spend an entire weekend watching Herman's head sleeping six hours at night. Just cranking energy drinks down my gullet, getting more and more confused. I'd sit there on the sofa with you, Jesse. Thank you, Yardley. I appreciate it. We're so thrilled.

We're so thrilled to have you on the program. What an exciting opportunity it is. Thank you so much. Yardley, I wanted to ask you about true crime podcasting. Sure. Now, I enjoy true crime, and I enjoy true crime podcasts, but I feel like there's this kind of moment when I realized I've had too much. You know, like I've ingested too much,

and the darkness and the description of the crimes get to me and I have to give myself a little break. And that's usually good. And then usually I can, you know, ingest some, you know, some happier material and then you can kind of go back to true crime and then, know the the magic is back but you need a little break i find or at least i need a little break as a true crime podcaster and you have to kind of engage this stuff constantly is that kind of like is that darkness something you kind of get immune to or do you thrive off of it how How do you kind of handle the emotional stuff that comes with researching true crime? Well, we actually,

because all of the cases on small town dicks are told by the detectives who investigated them. So on my side, there isn't a lot of research. I co-host with identical twin detectives, Dan and Dave, and they vet all of our guests. So I really come to it. I love their Motown hits of the 60s. I know, right?

Hold on, I'm killing. And they, just for your listeners, we change all of the names of our suspects and our victims with very, very, very few exceptions. And we don't give you the last names of our detectives because a lot of them are still working.

And so Dan and Dave just go by Dan and Dave. And what I love about our fan base is that they've been completely swept up in maintaining their anonymity, even though, for all intents and purposes, you could probably Google them and it wouldn't be too deep a dive to find out who they really are in real life but um yardley there are a lot don't there are a lot of identical twin detectives out there who have true crime yeah they each have their own special crime detecting van and a talking animal that rides with them. Oh, a talking animal. I want that so much. Yeah, wouldn't that be good?

It would be so good. Well, maybe you should talk to a certain hero named Coco the Gorilla. Maybe I should. Just saying. Maybe Coco is all talked out, though. Yeah, that's true. Like, could I just get some alone time? She's just signing, hands hurt, hands hurt.

Right? Leave me the fuck alone. I'm not one of you. Not human. I'm going to a talking gorilla seance later, so I'll check in with her and see. I wish. Oh, my God. Have you ever been to a seance?

I know I haven't answered your question yet, Jordan. No, no, no. I want to know if you've been to a seance, though. No, I never have. Have you? No, but my daughter has just ordered a Ouija board. I hear actually a Ouija board, you know, for people who are connected to the world that isn't evident in this sort of three dimensionaldimensional world that most of us live in, that the Ouija board can be a portal to not goodness, to some real darkness. So just, you know, beware. Yeah, look out, Jessie.

Sort of like a true crime podcast. Yes, more than that. More than that. Bringing us back on topic here, Yachtley. Well done. Yeah, Jessie, are you concerned that your new home will become some sort of hell mouth? I'm pretty sure my home is already at least some kind of hell mouth. Right. I mean, given this story about the protein shake. Oh, yeah. Maybe. Was that Satan's protein

shake? Could be. By the way, what was this protein shake made of? It's like non-dairy. How could it possibly have smelled that bad? That's weird. The only thing I can think of, of what was in there that made it smell so bad, is possums. Ground possum. Do you think they make them out of possum squeezings? Right, yeah. Real possum protein. So what you're saying is non-dairy but not vegan.

No. I don't think it's vegan. Possum's not vegan. Now with more babies, it says. It's horrible. Yardley, so has the darkness overcome your heart? That's the question here. It sometimes does.

So as I was saying, we, I don't, we don't research the cases in the same way that say, somebody who is doing a deep dive on a really famous serial killer case, or whatever the ones that we've heard over and over, I come to them for the first time when we sit down with the guest. I also, I edit on paper. We have two editors, but I do several passes on paper. And it's interesting because for that, because it's rather technical, it just switches to the other side of the brain, which is the analytical side of my brain, right? So I can kind of detach from the horror and the emotion. But when I listen through for the last time, I'm never not affected. At the same time, I watch a lot of true crime. And I always did. And I think it's because I like,

I want the good guys to win. I really want to know that if somebody, if there's a whole group of people out there who aren't interested in observing the rules that the rest of us observe in order for society to function well. I also want to know there's another group of people that is willing to put that train back on the tracks because otherwise there's just it's like Mad Max. So so, yeah. So you like so you get the you get this kind of true crime shot, but then there's just this justice chaser. Yes. The justice kind of soothes. Definitely.

It makes me feel like, okay, there is still goodness in the world. There are still people who are willing to go toward the things that the rest of us run from, basically, like people who I always think of law enforcement, Dan and Dave described it really well, that every time they leave their house, they are very likely going to encounter somebody on their worst day. Now, if that's your job, like, where do you put that? Where does that live inside of you in order for you to then be a husband, a father, a partner, a wife? You know, how do you reconcile that with trying to be just a regular person when you're not on duty? And they all say, oh, you know, you just you put it in a box. And then if you wait long enough, they'll tell you that the lock on the box isn't that good.

Wow. It's pretty intense. I've learned so much about it. I feel the same way about protein drinks. Exactly. Maybe they all need a shed. Maybe they could put it in a shed and, you know, like a really good shed though. Put the box in a shed.

Put the shed on a boat. Put the box in the shed. I'm just going to go in there and hose the whole thing down with the WD-40. Love that smell. Yeah, that is a nice smell. I'm in on WD-40 smell. Sure, and that's very shed-like, that smell.

That would give it an authenticity that would be like, oh yeah, shed. Maybe I'll ask the car wash guy to just spritz the inside with some WD-40. God, that would be nice, wouldn't it? Make sure he does it under the seats, though, because you don't want that rubbing off on your nice clothes.

That's true, yes. That's a good point. Boily. Ew. It's a good way to ruin some slacks. I usually ask him to rub off on my nice clothes, though. Just to be clear. Jesse, now you're asking too much of the fine car wash employees. Yeah, I tip extravagantly do you do you when you

guys get the car wash do you ask for the scent i can't do the scent oh interesting i don't i don't actually so i'm super sensitive to scent i don't like like if i don't want the scented trash bags i don't want the scented body lotion um I don't want the scented body lotion. I don't like when I go to the hairdresser, there's a certain brand that's super perfumey, even though it's a really high-end brand. Everybody's like, I love this baby. I'm like, do not put that on my head.

Just like you can't get rid of it. I don't like it when people hug me and they have cologne on their neck and it rubs off on my. I'm really picky about that. So I'm the no scent girl when I go to the car wash. I had a brief period where I aspired to be a scent man. Yes. As in cologne? A centaur.

Yeah. Oh, bravo. That's what we scent fans call ourselves. Half man, half pine tree. We just met, so you don't know this about me, but I'm a professional fancy lad. And in my capacity as a fancy lad, there are sort of like, there are corollaries. You know, there are sort of like, there are corollaries. There are sub areas that you're expected to delve into once you have too many neckties.

And those are appreciating Japanese scotch. But I don't drink. So I'm out on that one. One is going to a place where guys smoke cigars together. Okay. And I don't want to die of mouth cancer like Babe Ruth. Is that still a thing? That seems so 90s to me. Really?

I agree. You imagine that at that place, there's only Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone. Right. It's just the two of them hanging out there, and they're like, how come nobody comes here anymore? That was, by the way, that was my impression. Oh, was that Stallone? Who knows? Who knows?

Who knows? Adrian, I'm Rocky. Could have been Santa. Might have been Santa. Yeah, good Santa. You know what? Must be Santa. Santa Claus.

Yeah, in those cigar bars, it's Sylvester Stallone. Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Santa. Exactly. But there is like, you know, I mean, you won't be surprised to learn that in the world of fine menswear, there's a lot of people with affluence and a certain cultural distance from you and I, Jordan. Oh, okay. People who think about yachts a lot but do they own them whether or not they have a yacht people who are thinking about yachts who do not have yachts so that's cigars right that's the second thing and the third thing is cologne. And cologne is by far the nicest of those things. For my tastes.

For my tastes. Like, I'm not going to take a polo anytime soon, but I could learn to, like, refine my nose. That would be an interesting thing. Like, smell the smells and refine the... You know, our buddy Mary Ro roach regular jordan jesse girlfriend mary roach wrote a great book that had a whole chapter about people smelling olive oil and olive oil smelling competitions or professions that i think about a lot people who are super

tasters and super smellers who can tell if olive oil is rancid or not better than machines can. Wow. And I was like, I could kind of get into that. I would like that. So I bought a cologne. I had never worn cologne in my life. And I bought a cologne that was like a broadly acclaimed one. You know, I smelled a little bit of it on the thing. I didn't go to the store because I hate the scent store. You know, that's a sales assault that I can't get involved in. But I, you know, I ordered it on the internet, this fancy cologne. And I put it on a few times.

And I was like, I really love this smell. This is a beautiful smell, wonderful smell. And, uh, it took me two months to realize that I got a migraine every single time I put it on. I was like, Oh, like I get it to be fair. I get enough migraines overall that it kind of got mixed in with the other ones but i was like oh it seems like literally every time i put this on my body that's what happens and i had to just completely get out of now i just have a hundred dollar thing of cologne just sitting in my bathroom waiting for someone to rescue it but my wife when my wife is in law, when Teresa was in law school, she had a professor who had a scent sensitivity that was such, she had a medical condition that led her scent

sensitivity to be so great that she essentially, no pun intended, lived in a bubble outside of work. And when she was lecturing, she was in a regular lecture hall, but the rule was that if you wore even scented deodorant into the lecture hall, you failed the course. Really? Because it could be catastrophic to her health. And Teresa was in her class she was a great professor and said there were people who forgot or were jerks went in there with sense on and got sent out angrily and like failed like the equivalent the law school equivalent of being

sent to the principal and that is a level of sense sensitivity that i can't even begin to imagine dealing with in day-to-day life now that would be such a liability how do you even go through the world i know you know i mean clothespin on the nose is the obvious. Sure, yeah. Yeah, like a cartoon character when a skunk comes in. Sure. Yeah, eventually it would chafe. Yardley, when we were talking, I knew about your true crime podcast, but I did not know about your cooking show. Yes. I started a cooking show during the pandemic.

Really just sort of, I needed some dumb entertainment for troubling times. And so I started. First of all, that's our slogan. So that is trademarked. Thank you very much. Yeah. And so I'm a good cook. And I had actually I used to do a thing on Instagram and on Twitter where I did these videos called Simpsons Sunday.

And I would do like behind thescenes anecdotes and little things. And one day on Simpsons Sunday, I decided I would make a recipe that Homer had made for Bart in one of the very early Tracy Ullman shorts where he made porcupine fish nuggets. Now, hold on, Yardley. Just for our listeners at home, what is The Simpsons? It's a little show. You may or may not have heard of it. It's been on for roughly a hundred years. I've been on the whole time.

It's sort of a Gunsmoke type thing. Yes. Well, we passed Gunsmoke, actually, a long time ago, and I play this one. I play Lisa Simpson. She's eight, and every time she has a birthday, she turns eight. And we just don't talk about that. Yardley, I just want to thank you for giving us the gift of doing The Voice without us having to ask you to do The Voice.

Because it would have been really hard to get through 90 minutes of this show without us bothering you like that. When really all you wanted was for me to do The Voice. You're like, I don't give a fuck about anything else, Y yeah so anyway we're done here thank you yeah you and uh david hater who did who did solid snake unprompted the two voice acting heroes of this podcast i have to say i i love that little girl, that Lisa Simpson. I love her like she is flesh and blood, three-dimensional little person who I've had the enormous privilege to get to know over the last 30-plus years. I mean, best character on the best show.

You're doing all right. Yeah, absolutely. It's the best job. And we kind of, we talked about this a little. So the first time we met, actually, we did J. Keith Van Straten's podcast, Go Fact Yourself. And, you know, I'm about as obsessed with The Simpsons as anyone has ever been with anything.

And like, he prepared a Simpsons quiz for me and you were the kind of surprise guest and um and yeah i i said this but i think it's i think it's it it's worth saying again that like when you grow grew up with the simpsons like and you're kind of a like book kid or a library kid you just grow up thinking like i'm elisa and you like you identify with it you know like i'm sure people tell you that all the thinking like, I'm a Lisa and you like you identify with it, you know, like, I'm sure people tell you that all the time. But like, that was a really strong, like identification for me, I feel like. It never gets old. I mean, honestly, it's to have people complete strangers. First of all,

if you go to a place, you've never been a location, and people find out you're Lisa Simpson, they and they love the show they welcome you as though you are an old friend or as though they and then they tell you how much that show your character has meant to you i i just feel like that is a such an unexpected gift especially since i'm sort of uh i'm not, I'm anxious sort of by nature. And so when I go to places I'm not familiar with, I can feel, I feel conspicuous and out of place. And so when people are like, oh my God, Lisa Simpson,

it is just one of the greatest gifts. And so to hear that something that you do, a character that means as much to me also means that much to you, is you can't put a price on that. It is just, it is, I love that girl. I love her. And when that show is over, honestly, it'll be like a friend, a dear, dear friend has moved away and she's never coming back.

I mean, it really will be hard, I think. Jordan, it's kind of presumptuous of you to say that we're all Lisa. I'm more of a disco stew. I love disco stew. Yeah. I mean, I guess I'm assuming that if you're listening to this podcast that you were a Lisa. But yeah, we could have some disco stews. We could have some Hans and Mole Man. You could have some Sideshow Bobs. We could have some. We might have a few Sideshow Bobs in the audience. One of my favorite episodes is the episode where Lisa and Sideshow Bob form a friendship.

Oh my God, it's so good. Because they're both fish out of water. Yeah, because they're both kind of like, they're both kind of like too smart for Springfield. Right. See that cell there, that's from that episode of her movement. Oh, beautiful.

Yardley's in front of a, an array of, uh, Simpson cells. Yeah. It's the only room in the house that has any Simpsons stuff in it. And I have Florida ceiling Simpson cells that are when we used to paint, actually, they used to hand paint the cells and they actually painted on cellophane. That why they're called cells um and then they literally stopped making that material and so we had to go to computer animation but interestingly enough it didn't actually speed up the process of animation all that much it it infused it with a few benefits i i i think I think you don't have to redraw the background every time or something. But honestly, it didn't go from, oh, it takes 10 months to animate one episode. Now it takes two. Now it takes nine months. So I, you know. Now, Jordan, when you were on Go Fact Yourself, Go Fact Yourself, hosted by our friends Helen Hong and J. Keith Van Straten,

the premise of it is that they bring on an interview guest, a celebrity like you, Jordan. For instance, me, yes. Yeah, among those of us here on this program, I think we all know that you're the big Hollywood star. Thank you. They bring somebody on to talk to them, and then— I do appear briefly in a non-speaking role at the end of the disney

plus series earth to ned yeah so this is big stuff i mean in a non-speaking role but i think i'm very prominent and i think i do some good facial acting jordan don't undersell your lines i think maybe just one line as scandal rag editor on, what was that? What's that show called? Is it called scandal? It's three, three lines.

I think three lines on scandal. If my, if my 10 cent residual checks or any indication, three lines. So on that show, you do a little, they do a little general quizzing of you, and then they do quizzing of you about the thing that you are a nerd of, basically. Yeah.

And that quizzing is conducted by someone who is a great expert in that thing. Like, I told Jay Keith one of the things that I am a nerd of is the San Francisco Giants. Like I told Jay Keith, one of the things that I am a nerd of is the San Francisco Giants. And voila, I was surprised by San Francisco Giants play-by-play announcer and Baseball Hall of Famer John Miller. And I was like, my head aches. Right? And Yardley was yours for the Simpsons, Jordan. So she gave you a Simpsons quiz. Do you remember how he did, Yardley?

I think Jordan did quite well. I think you only missed one, or maybe you missed two, but you... I didn't write the quiz, but you were dialed in. You clearly knew the show. You clearly loved the show. And I'll just say as a P i was i did a quiz on buzzfeed a couple of years ago um back when we could all still meet in person and it was on camera they gave me a simpsons quiz that was so fucking hard there was no world where even our showrunner, Al Jean, who has an encyclopedic memory of every detail of our show for all 33

seasons, he would have failed that quiz. So I failed it miserably. And I felt like, yeah, but listen to me. Listen to me. That was just, that was mean hard. Yeah. Do you remember some of the like impossible questions is it like stuff on signs in the background what made it so hard signs um it was super obscure characters so you know somebody who doesn't know the show might not know who disco stew is but of course i know who disco stew is you know i even know who the one-eyed baby the one-eyed one-eyebrowed baby oh yeah sure yeah i think his name is gerald um i didn't know that that baby had a name so yeah he does and it's and again like it's pretty

obscure we don't even in the script he's referred to as the one-eyebrowed baby um but at one point he was named and so it was stuff like that. And it was, you know, specific lines said by either Lisa Simpson or perhaps another character. I'm like, oh, my Lord. Listen, listen, dude, I love that show. I am so honored and proud to be a part of that show. But I have nine jobs like, you know, The Simpsons is a huge part of my life because it takes up a lot of my heart but in terms of my actual physical time it doesn't take up that much time for the actors much more labor intensive for the animators and the writers so i i just it was like oh god yeah there's definitely a there's definitely a kind of like culture of simpsons obsessive that i think i am kind of a part of that like rewatches stuff and you know listens to the commentaries and

like yeah which is great every time i've done a commentary on an episode we haven't done one in quite some time i learned so much about the show i loved loved doing those. Now, Jordan, I have to say this. So I don't, there are not a lot of types of nerdery that are like impressive to me. Like I respect them, but there's not a lot of things that I could see somebody do and be like, you know, there are like skill-based ones. Like I'd be impressed by somebody who's super good at woodworking, which is kind of a kind of nerdery. But like in terms of knowing stuff, not really my thing. And I wish people the best, even things that I really love. But while I am not the same kind of Simpsons fan you are, Jordan. I still, you know, I still believe it to be the best television show

and probably it's the one I've spent the most time watching, I think. And like, you know, I truly love it. And some years ago at MaxFunCon East, but I don't have a head for trivia at all. I take a loss at trivia every time. Really? I think you're certain zones where you'll crush, right?

Maybe. Maybe. Yeah. I think I can triangulate trivia. Baseball music? I mean. No. Jay Keith would destroy me at baseball trivia.

Jay Keith would destroy me at baseball trivia. Okay. But our friends from, our Maximum Fun colleagues from around Springfield, Allie and Julia, who have- I did their podcast, too. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, they're great. Lovely. Some years ago at MaxFunCon East, they held a Simpsons trivia bowl.

And, you know, MaxFunCon East, full of comedy nerds, like that is the number one demographic represented at Max Fun Con is people who really love comedy. You know, these are people who can tell you their favorite ancillary characters from Larry Sanders or whatever, you know, their, you know, their seventh favorite Mr. Show sketch, whatever it is. And it was a room of teams. I was on one of the teams. I think I got zero of the questions right. And, you know, there was 25 people in the room, six teams. And Jordan, I watched you run the fucking table. Like, yeah, sure.

You just, you just put the rest of the people on your team on your back and fucking carried them to victory. Every single question was you answering and them just looking at you with loving admiration. Amazing. Yeah. I mean, there's a,

listen, I'm, you know, I'm listen, I, I like to, I like to remain modest, but,

um, there's a Simpsons trivia concern out here called the Stonecutters. Have you done the Stonecutters? Heck no. God, I feel like I shouldn't if they're all about the granular details of a show I've been on for most of my life. Well, sometimes they have guests who can come on and just regale with stories and stuff. I could do that. Yeah, you could regale.

I'm sure you could regale. I can regale. I bet you do a wonderful regaling. You know what? You could probably do the initial gale. Maybe. Instead, not just the regale. The primary gale or the post gale.

And people go and they play in big teams, but I go and try and win by myself. That's incredible. And I can. I've done it a couple times. That's amazing. Yeah, that's right. That's right. I go can. I've done it a couple times. That's amazing. Yeah, that's right. That's right.

I go to events alone on purpose. I want to be clear, Jordan, that the reason I told that story was because it was so impressive to me, so extraordinary. Because it's not like you're sitting around listing the names of Simpsons things in conversation. We've known each other for 20 years. We've only talked about the Simpsons in the way that anyone would, you know what I mean? Like people who like things, television shows that are good.

But I was like, holy, it was as though you had just like pulled a, get ready for a, what I think is a Dungeons and Dragons thing, Vorpal blade out of your backpack and just laid waste to the people around you. I think that's a Narnia sword.

Is it? It might be. It was as though you, okay, I'll do a Dungeons & Dragons. It was as though you reached into your backpack and pulled out a talking lion that's an allegory for Christ. Sorry, I tried to guess where you were going. I should have said Turkish Delight. That's the other thing we talk about.

Yardley, just so you know, the other thing we talk about on this show, besides Herman's head, is Turkish Delights. Yardley, do you have, Jesse and I both, I think we love, we both love like Simpsons merchandise and like especially the bootleg stuff is really fascinating.

Do you have a piece that you love that's kind of like a cherished piece? Or are the cells kind of it as far as memorabilia goes? Yeah, no, I have actually. So way, way, way back in the beginning, I saw, I feel like for some reason I was at a little, one of those sort of junky souvenir shops that you see on Hollywood Boulevard. And I forget. I must have had an audition. I was killing time, blah, blah.

I don't know. But I saw a tiny little, it was like the size of a tie tack. It was a Lisa Simpson's pin flying like Supergirl. She had a little cape on. And I bought them all. There were probably, I don't know, 15 of them. And then I went to the 20th Century Fox Studios store

and said, do you have these? And they said, oh yeah, we have like 10. And so I bought them all. And then I was like, where can I get more? And they're like, oh no, that's it. That's all we have. That's it. And I was like, what? What? These are genius. I mean, first of like, what? What? That's not what these are genius. I mean, first of all, you don't find a lot of Lisa Simpson's merchandise.

It's very rare. And these were such a wonderful. These were actually licensed, but they were wonderful little recreation and really captured the spirit of the character. I felt like in that flying little Supergirl pose. of the character i felt like in that flying little uh supergirl pose so i if frustration because i couldn't get more actually set about doing a run on my own totally bootleg oh cool and i had to get like a thousand of them because of course as the whole run they like, we're not going to make you 50, lady. You've got to fill one container ship. Yeah. So I still have a very small handful of those, and I love them. And they're just, again, I just feel like they really embody

the spirit of our girl. I really am not, I don't like a lot of stuff. It's also, the Simpsons in three dimensions are even uglier than they are in two dimensions. Right. So I had a bootleg Bart piggy bank that I think my mom got from a guy selling them at a freeway off ramp. Oh, my God. And it's roundness was always upsetting. The roundness was,

it was just, you've never seen such a cylindrical thing. Sure. I do know that Matt Groening, who obviously created the Simpsons, loves the bootleg stuff and has a rather robust collection of things from around the world that people have either given him or that he's collected on his own. The only piece of Simpsons merchandise that I ever had as a kid was just a classic 1989,

1990 Bart Simpsons, you know, radical dude t-shirt or something. Yeah. But I bought it on a trip to visit my, to visit my stepmother's family in Northern Ireland. And like, that was what I brought home from Ireland. I went 7,000 miles to Ireland and it was like, you know, suppose you'll be wanting a Simpsons t-shirt then. Like, okay, I guess, yes. That is fantastic. Yeah, I know. I love it.

That is such a funny, like, the tourist place that bootlegs their stuff. So it would be like Bart's like, don't have a cow, man, in New Hampshire. Just like awkwardly. Yes. Yes. Or the stuff that you'd see at the card tables in Central Park where people are, you know,

they can sort of fold it up really quickly and make a way, make a dash. Right. There's been some pretty good, really fairly frightful. I've seen nesting dolls of the Simpsons. Okay. Which are pretty awful. Yeah, a little gross. Yeah, terrible. Come on.

Like you've never imagined opening someone up at the waist with a zipper and climbing inside. Sure I have. But that doesn't mean these were well done. I feel like those are two separate things. Two separate things. Jessie, have you been looking at my search history? I thought it was on private. I've been listening to Yardley's podcast.

Yardley, okay, I'm taking us away from The Sims and I want to go back to cooking. What's your most successful thing that you've cooked on oil and water? You're a cooking chef. So we actually, that episode just aired this past week where I made, so the premise of the show is I draw a sweet ingredient randomly,

a savory ingredient randomly, and then a thing randomly. So it's a little bit like chopped, except that you don't get to choose the thing you make. You're actually, that's predetermined as well. Then I have to combine them all together and make the thing. So I drew pancakes as the thing. My sweet was Pop-Tarts. And my savory was macaroni and cheese.

So I decided instead of making just a plain pancake, I would make a Dutch baby. Which is great. Hold on. First of all, you have to find a Dutch man. You don't actually. Okay. It's pretty good.

I can get you a Dutch oven. Those are good too. Folks, come to my house. Not me. And so a Dutch baby is a little bit like a yorkshire pudding or a giant popover right so it's a pancake batter but you bake it in the oven and it rises it's sort of puffy and so i combine these things and i at the end of it i always give a little review like on a scale of one two whatever would you serve this to people that you know and love? Wait, hold on, Yardley.

I combined these. I did. You really skipped a lot of the key information about this pancake, pop tart, macaroni and cheese food you created. Yes. You didn't just pile them on top of each other, I presume. I did not. I actually folded all of that debris, the macaroni and cheese and the chopped up strawberry pop tart, which was my choice, into the Dutch baby batter and I baked it.

So just not like in the, you didn't put it in the middle. You made it all of a piece. You made it. All of a piece. And it was a fucking revelation. I took a bow. Wow. I said I felt like a sorcerer.

It was so good. I was like, people, listen to me. So you got a little hit of the sharpness of the cheddar. The macaroni was just kind of, you know, soft and velvety. The Dutch baby was beautiful and tender. And the strawberry Pop-Tart was a little bit like this sort of ribbon of strawberry jam. And it was awesome. It was so good. In contrast to the Halloween episode I made last year, which I had to set on fire.

Because it was so awful. What was that? So if that was your most successful, the Dutch baby Pop-Tart mac and cheese. Yes. By the way, I would stand in line for a fucking hour at a food truck to get that, by the way. When you describe it, I'm like, yes. And Jordan, you would not be sad once you took a bite. You would be like, holy hell.

Yeah. Oh, my God. I have just had two meals in one, and I just want the whole pan of Dutch baby. I want the whole thing. Damn. The Halloween one, Jordan. I actually already watched it. It is candy corn croissants in the flesh of a Frankenstein.

Oh, boy. Hard to come by, by the way. Sure. In high demand at this time of year, a flesh and Frankenstein. That's not too bad for me. I'm a wolf man, so. Oh.

Sure, you just go to a mash. You get invited to the mash, and you can kill and butcher the Frankenstein at the mash. Yeah. There's a graveyard nearby me. There's a smash at least once a year, you know? It was not unlike that it was we had predetermined that it would be a candy apple because that's the halloweeny thing um me and my

partner in crime who edits them and shoots them with me it's just me and nick smith who works with me at my company um paperclip limited and so uh yeah i had so that all of the savory ingredients had to be orange things so pumpkin um squash carrots blah or salmon roe which is what i drew disgusting i hate caviar and if i'm thinking candy apple the thing that i want to combine that with is rusty razor blade i didn't think of that silly me it's because we're old ice cream passing by the way for our for the at home listener just in time for the horror that is me describing a razor blade and a candy apple the song of the ice cream truck passed by my window is that true yes so you had salmon roe candy apple with and then i had skittles was the sweet thing i drew so out of a bowl of halloween candy i drew skittles and so i had to figure out how to attach the salmon roe and the

skittles to the candy apple and so I chose white chocolate. Wow. You're like, sure, whatever, fucking burn it down. I don't know, white chocolate. Everybody loves that garbage. It was so disgusting. I literally set it on fire. Wow. Okay. Yeah.

Now, was it flammable? I had to put some brandy on it. Okay. So I put it in a bowl, and then I had to- So this also was it. Okay. So I put it in a bowl. So this also was also soaked in brandy. Yes. Wow. Hey, by the way, let's just,

you know, and it's a little hard to kind of, you know, you live in LA, right? You're in the greater LA area. I think, you know, not a, everyone knows, a little hard to mark the seasons in LA. You know, the weather's a little samey. We don't got the leaves.

We don't got the snow, but I mean, I think we really can. It is a, it is a special time of year because we just made the first monster mash joke of the season. Yeah. This is our version of the leaves turning.

Yeah. I like that. I like it. Do you think it's too early? Some people... Right. Yeah. I know. The Monster Mash jokes come earlier and earlier every year.

Doing it will be Independence Day. Right. Exactly. We just stopped making the Labor Day jokes. Okay. Look, we've got a lot more coming up with Yardley. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. It's Jordan, Jesse Go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. This episode's Jordan, Jesse go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio, sweetheart, Jordan Morris, boy detective. This episode of Jordan, Jesse go supported by the members of maximum fun.org. We're a membership supported organization, Jordan, not unlike the national geographic society,

the members. They keep the show going. We love them for it. Uh, we're also supported this week by the good folks at Raycon. These are premium earbuds at an affordable price, Jordan. Oh, yeah. Jesse, Raycons, I use them.

They're great. No matter how you're feeling about getting back out there, there's no denying it's an adjustment. Boy, I'll say, when the world gets too loud, create your own soundtrack with Raycon wireless earbuds. Jordan, do you have any glue? And I need good glue. I need glue for ceramics.

The kind that, like a really powerful glue for ceramics. I don't. I'm sorry. The thing is, is I was going to buy a rival brand before I heard about Raycon. I went out and I broke my bank. Oh, boy. Sorry to hear that, Jesse.

Looks like... Now I can't put it back together. I didn't need all that money to get Raycons. These are premium buds at an affordable price. Yeah, sorry about your bank, Jesse. Just make sure you don't step on any bank shards when you're barefoot. Jeez, these things start at half the

price of other premium audio brands. They sound just as good. Jesse, a new hobby I have, I started running, and when you're running, a good playlist is necessary and good wireless earbuds, also very necessary. And boy, howdy, do I sure love to run with these Raycons. They sound great.

They're comfortable in the old ear holes, and they don't stick out. They don't stick out like those other brands. They got, ooh, the tips. Ooh, these gel tips. They're so comfortable in my nasty little ear canals. Can I tell you this, Jordan? Yeah. I don't run, but I do do the dishes.

Yes. And you know what's very necessary when you're doing the dishes? Hmm. The Salt-N-Pepa album, Very Necessary, which features, among other songs, What a Man and Shoop, two of my all-time favorites.

You know what I use to listen to those? Yeah, that's right, my Raycons. Gorgeous. Mm-hmm. They got a 32-hour battery life so you can listen to what you want, when you want, for a really long time. Create your own soundtrack with Raycon. Right now, Jordan, Jesse, Go! listeners get 15% off their Raycon order at buyraycon.com slash jjgo. That's buyraycon.com slash jjgo to save 15%

on Raycons. Buyraycon.com slash jjgo. We're also supported this week by the good folks at Magic Spoon. And I don't just mean, Jordan, I don't just mean that they're supporting this show financially. Although they are, and we're grateful to them for that. They're also supporting us

physically, because that's what I had for my fucking breakfast, Jordan. Magic Spoon, baby. Maple flavor today. Jesse, listen. If you're trying to cut down on carbs and sugar, Magic Spoon is a great option. It doesn't have, you know, the junk that cereals you get at the grocery store might have. And it's not just for breakfast. If you need a little midnight snacky snack, oof, Magic Spoon does the trick.

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My kids love fruity, but lately they've been really into cookies and cream. There's a lot of great Magic Spoon flavors. You can go to magicspoon.com slash JJGO to grab a custom bundle of cereal and try it today. And be sure to use our promo code JJGO at checkout to save $5 off your order. And Magic Spoon is so confident in their product. It's back with 100% happiness guarantee. So if you don't like it for any reason, they'll refund your money. No questions asked.

That's magicspoon.com slash JJGO. Use the code JJGO to save $5 off. Thank you, Magic Spoon, for sponsoring this episode. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Love you, love you, love you be frank to call our show an acquired taste is to understate the situation the gravity of the

situation we face but when someone comes in and especially when it's someone who's not look everyone knows that our real life personal friend eliza skinner is going to bring the heat. So when she says clankety car, we know everyone, nobody thought Eliza was going to come in there with a dud. No. You know what I mean, Jordan? It's not what she does. But it's all the sweeter when, for example, this is the classic example. Our friend, acclaimed novelist, Spy Magazine co-founder, and public radio host, Kurt Anderson, came in with Explodo. And I think this is a perfect example of that latter category. You know, Yardley is an award-winning show business insider.

I mean, we're talking about someone who has met Herman from Herman's head. Right. It's been inside his head. I've even kissed Herman from Herman's head. Whoa! On the show. Remember I lost my virginity to Herman, Louise did? A pivotal episode.

Pivotal. So, Yardley, she doesn't, we're lucky that she's even taking the time, Jordan. So when she comes in here. We are lucky. In fact, I regret asking her to take the time. In retrospect. No, no, no regrets.

But when she comes in here with a beautiful gift to our audience like the football. Yeah, what's the, But when she comes in here with a beautiful gift to our audience like the football. Yeah. What's the what's the. My mind went to nuclear football for some reason. Sure. It's a great story, actually. So please.

As you know, as we've talked about, I co-host this true crime podcast called Small T dicks with identical twin detectives dan and dave and i actually don't google them though do not do not google them don't you dare google don't do it we'll know and we will find you if anything if you're gonna google something google the crap brothers from wild crats exactly like jesse said um so i lots of other brothers you can google from Wild Kratts. Exactly, like Jesse said. Lots of other brothers you can Google. Google Zaboo Mafoo. Sure. Mothers Brothers.

What else? Yes, Mothers. That's a good Google. Ringling Brothers. Google Albert Brooks plus Super Dave. Sure. There. That'll get you a fun surprise. Yeah.

Sure. There. That'll get you a fun surprise. Yeah. So I met Detective Dan because I was doing a Simpson event that I was actually not supposed. I wasn't supposed to go. Our showrunner was supposed to go. And then at the very last minute, he couldn't go.

And they came to me and said, Yardley, you want to go and unveil this mural in a small town, which I'm not going to tell you the name of because, of course, we keep the anonymity of our Dan and Dave. I'll just say it. It was Portland. It wasn't, actually. So I, but I will do pretty much anything for my show. And they said, oh, God, please. It's 10 days away and somebody has to go. Won't you go?

And I said, all right, all right, I'll go. And then I found out you couldn't, it was really hard to get there. There was only one flight a day at the time that was direct from Los Angeles to this town. And so I was like, that seems like a small town. So I said, what kind of security do you have? And they were like, uh, hang on, hold please. And they went away and they came back about four days later, city council did and said, okay, we're going to assign you a plainclothes detective. And that was Dan. So that was how I met Detective Dan. And then we hit it off, but both quietly, because I was six years out of my second divorce, which had brought me to my knees.

And I was not dating and I was not looking. And I was like, I'm good. I'm fine. This is, I'm fine. And Dan who's 11 years younger than me also was not dating, not looking, but we hit it off. And so then I started to commute up to his small town for two and a half years. And now I'm going to marry Dan. Hey, despite his plain clothes. Despite his plain clothes. But so when he was my bodyguard, I was the football in his phone. And when he, should anything have happened, I was the football.

So I love that. I'm still the football in his phone because I said, you have, he, should anything have happened, I was the football. So I love that. I'm still the football in his phone because I said, you have to keep that. That's really beautiful. That is really, I just, I want to be, I just want to be somebody's football. I want to be some volleyball, croquet mallet. I'll be whatever. Jordan and I met in college when I was a sophomore and he was a freshman. And he is still in my phone as Curly Babe.

Sure. Is that true? 420 friendly. Well, Yardley, we have something really important to take care of. I mean, obviously, everything we've done on the show so far has been very important. But this is probably even more important uh we've uh fortunately or unfortunately allowed our producer brian to use his microphone

this week brian senedi fernandez how are you friend hey i'm doing good i'm doing good always always glad to get to talk to you uh here on the show always Always glad to be here. So, we found ourselves wondering on the program recently whether more of our listeners were men, women, and non-binary people of the cloth. And the way we defined that, Yardley,

was we said they they had to be sincere religious leaders of a group of people um you couldn't just it couldn't just be somebody who uh got their minister license to conduct a wedding right Right, right. Okay. Or somebody who made up a religion in their head and made themselves Pope of it. Copy. Because that's at least 70% of our audience is the Pope thing. Plus a few have probably done weddings. A lot of Popes. A lot of false Popes out there.

If you're listening and you're a false Pope. Faux Pope. Yeah, if you're a faux Pope. No faux Popes. Get out of here, Fopes. Yeah. Fopes. We did have a faux Pope write in, but I'm not counting him.

Great. P-O-P, I guess. P-E-A-U-X. Yeah. Because I've met some religious leaders who are Jordan Jesse Goh listeners. Okay. That's awesome. And I'm like, we made it clear.

We're accepting Unitarians. So I'm like, we made it clear we're accepting Unitarians. So I'm expecting primarily Unitarians. Although I don't know what kind of leaders they have in the Baha'i faith. Probably a few Baha'is. My dream is a Zoroastrian, but I'm not going to, you know, I'm not going to put any money on it. going to, you know, I'm not going to put any money on it. So yeah, so we were wondering if we have more listeners

who are faith leaders or principals or vice principals. Of schools? Of schools, yes. Okay. Not like design firms. Sure. How are you connecting the dots

between faith leaders and principals or vice principals, although they are all, I would say, leaders, but that's a unique little grouping. Tell me about that. Yeah. And Jesse, let me know if I'm getting this wrong, but I'll speak for both of us and say we don't remember. Okay, fair point. We do not remember yardley i'm not gonna tell you that there wasn't a reason because i don't remember that either okay how long ago is this like last week like

two weeks yeah very recently oh jesse and i both do a lot of whippets. So sometimes like the short-term shit just leaves. Yeah. So we asked our listeners, first of all, if they were in one of those groups to give us a call or send us an email. We also then, to give it some content, some slight reason to exist, we asked what the worst or craziest thing someone in their respective flocks had done. Oh, cool. Either what had gotten them sent to the principal or what had scandalized their church or Zoroaster tribute house.

Okay. I don't know enough about Zoroastrianism to say where they gather. Nor do I. But I'm going to say, you know, they got to get together somehow, and it's probably in some kind of tribute house, which is what religious scholars call the tabernacle, the chapel, the synagogue. So those are called tribute houses. Oh, okay. Before we hear the results, do we all just want to do a little round-the-table

guess as to what we have more of? Yeah, thanks, Jordan. What's your thinking on this? I can go first. I think we have more faith leaders, but more vice principals than principals. Well, there's two vice principals and one principal, right? I mean, I think it's just, to me, it's more of a demographic thing. I think we have a lot of betas listening. I don't think we have people who are going to shoot for principal. They're like, I'm fine with vice. But that's my guess. My guess

is more faith leaders and more vice principals. Often vice principals are in charge of delivering punishment as well. So it may be that we also have more sadists in our audience. Could be. Could be. Could be. Jesse, do you have a guess?

My feeling is that between principles, I'm talking real king, queen shit, top level principles, and faith leaders, that we're going to have more faith leaders. But once we branch down into vice principals, because of, I mean, among other things, I don't know if you guys have been following the education business, but because of vice principal inflation, where more and more people are being given the vice principal title for less and less significant things, you know, there's a school near my house, significant things. You know, there's a school near my house,

Aldama Elementary School. There's a vice principal in charge of mowing. Oh, boy. Yeah. But it's a union thing, so you can't, there's nothing you can do about it. Sure, their grandfather did. Yeah. Now, Yardley,

my grandfather was a vice principal, my father was a vice principal, My father was a vice principal. And never a principal shall I be, is what they say when they get offered the promotion. Yardley, you know a lot about this show. I mean, I know you're a listener. You've listened to every episode. And you've been talking with the dipshit hosts of it for 75 minutes now. What's your feeling about what kind of person would make the mistake of listening to this program?

Specifically with regard to do you think they're more likely to be a vice principal, principal? Sure, sure. Well, first of all, there was never a vice principal at any of the schools I went to. That just seems like a luxury. Very decadent. Where are you going to school? Where are you going to school? Little tiny town?

Where are you going? Portland? I grew up in Washington, D.C. Our nation's capital. I did. Long may she reign. My father was a journalist for the Washington Post there. But yeah, I feel like.

Well, my father was deep throat, so. Vice principal seems like that you have a bigger budget than any school I've ever heard of these days. Yeah. I've ever heard of these days. And therefore, however, if you have a vice principal, that maybe the principal would say to the vice principal, I don't have time to answer these questions, you do it. That there's a kind of, this is below my pay grade.

VP, this is your job as sort of public relations outreach, um, faith leaders, depending on your congregation and your denomination, depending on how sort of strict you are. I bet you get, if I'm going to go with, you have more faith leaders writing in because that category seems much broader than vice principal. I feel like the description of vice principal is sort of five things. Faith leader could be 20 things. Yeah. I think the tipping point was when we allowed first Unitarians and then atheists who are the boss of an organized atheist thing? I think my first wedding was in a Unitarian church, I think. I didn't grow up with religion. Beautiful. So I, you know, we didn't, but I do remember my grandmother insisted that my brother and

I have an older brother be baptized. And so we went to the big. As Unitarians? No, no. She wasn't Unitarian. She was Protestant. And so I was like, well, then I guess I should get married in the big Protestant church in Washington, D.C. And they're like, oh, no.

No, no. You can't just walk in here unless you want to give a big fat donation. Then you can walk in here and do whatever you want but you are not getting married you're gonna have to get married in the national portrait gallery exactly you can't just walk in here having never attended and expect to be married here so okay brian um yeah how did how did things turn out there on the email? How was the response? Well, we got a decent response. Do you want to hear some of the little anecdotes that people sent in before we get to the numbers,

or do you want to do the numbers first? I think that's a great way to present this, Brian, personally. I think that's great. Let's hear a couple of your favorites. Okay. Yeah. Well, we had a Baptist minister who addressed us as Jordan, Jesse, and the Holy Go, which I thought was fun.

I love that. Yes. Yep. The Trinity. Yeah, yeah. One in the same, yes. Praise his name. One Jewish rabbi did a nice translation

of our former slogan, hard as a rock, wet as a river, which was very nice, into Hebrew. Hebrew? Hebrew, yeah. Why is that a former slogan, hard as a rock, wet as a river, which was very nice. Into Hebrew? Why is that a former slogan? We just kind of change it out every year, but I think hard as a rock, wet as a river has definitely...

It's stuck with us in ways that other slogans have not. Yeah, this year is get dressed every day. Yeah. Fair, yes. let's see someone tried to claim both maybe they're a little bit of both because their mom is a methodist minister and their dad is a dean of students somewhere so that's interesting but it is matrilineal so yeah i didn't count him i didn't count him. And then the best anecdote came from a bishop in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter

Day Saints. A bishop! Now that's nice. Any rooks, any knights in there? Pawns. A bishop! Do you have a sense of in the LDS Church how high up a bishop goes?

That's pretty high. Because I know, like, I grew up Episcopalian. In the Episcopalian church, our bishop, Bishop Swing, shout out to the first gay bishop in the Episcopalian church, Bishop Swing. Bishop Swing, that guy had a lot of flocks under his wings, baby. That guy was flapping all over town. It was a big shot. I think the bishops, at least according to the churchofjesuschrist.org, is they're the local lead.

They're like the ward. They're over a ward, which I think the ward may have a couple different congregations in. They got any good vestments? It doesn't look like that. I can't tell about the vestments. Swish, swish, bishop. Is that something? Seems right. Swish, swish, bishop. Swish, swish, bishop.

Anyway. We'll work on it. Yeah. Buff that up for later. Ryan, remind us to buff that up for later. We'll work on that. I'm not going to work on it. Yeah. Okay, so this... Buff that up for later. Brian, remind us to buff that up for later. We'll buff it up. We'll work on that. I'm not going to work on it later.

Okay. I'm going to go ahead and buff it up. I got to go bowling anyway, so... Yeah, go ahead. Okay. Okay, so this bishop said, We once had a potluck dinner, and a guy brought a crock pot of chili

packed in a suitcase for some reason. Some of the chili had spilled out into the suitcase. Wait, pause, Brian. Yeah. Already this is the greatest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life. Wow. How do you go to the crockpot? Can you imagine somebody shows up like on a television show with two pieces of luggage

in their hands, you know, like a tired tourist kind of thing. Like maybe it's Walter Matthau in a movie from 1974, and he goes, oh, my luggage. That, by the way, was Sylvester Stallone. But like somebody shows up and just throws a brief, throws a suitcase down on the table, clack, clack, opens the latches, opens it up, and there's a crock pot of chili in there.

That's insane. Wow. I can't even imagine how you fit a crock pot in a suitcase. That's what I was thinking. A big suitcase. I mean, in a backpack, sure. Yeah, Yardley, is this maybe a future episode of your cooking show? Suitcase Chili?

Yes, I should do like a whole run of good and bad ways to transport the food yeah you know i bring if i'm going to a party with a crock pot i'm bringing it in a moby wrap you know what i mean one of those stretchy cotton things for babies that's good i gotta keep that chili close to my bosom yeah i heard about a food baby. Food baby. So is there more to this?

Yeah, there's more. There's more. I can't believe it. We're so lucky. There's more. On the way to bringing the chili, some of the chili had spilled out into the suitcase in transit. Instead of throwing out the spilled chili, I saw him pour the spilled chili from the suitcase back into the crock pot and put it out on the table to share. We had to secretly spirit away his chili. Indeed.

Of course you had to. Eat the chili. You eat the suitcase chili. Yeah, wait. Jesus will protect you if he's really that into it. Ask the Lord for protection from the tainted chili. What's weird is some of the people at the party were more mad that there was beans in the chili. Right.

It's a regional thing. Than they were about the suitcase chili. They're like, corn and chili? We've all had suitcase chili a few times, but corn? That's beyond the pale. Where are you from? What else we got fun story-wise? Someone said twice during my sermon,

a woman randomly yelled out, shut up at me. Shut up. Janet. Boo. Free bird. They say, I'm not entirely sure why she did this, but it was pretty funny. The woman seemed fine after I was finished preaching. And then all of our church members that were at the service couldn't wait to rib me for it

and tell their friends and family that the old lady finally said what we've been thinking for so long. Wow. What a good attitude. Sounds like something that would happen on The Simpsons to Reverend Lovejoy. Yeah. Heck yeah. So real. Jordan and I did a show one time at a public library where part of the stipulation of doing the show was that there's no closing the doors.

So just like the library is a resource for everyone in the community, the show was a resource for everyone in the community. So we had a seating area full of people who were there to see Jordan Jesse go, and then just library patrons wandering through, I'm sure being very upset. Because you were being too loud? I mean, you've heard our show. It's not for everyone, or even most. We had people bringing their kids because they thought we were just going to read Green Eggs and Ham. I can see one of them telling us to shut up.

Shut up. Or what if we were on... You remember when we did that show on a battleship? Oh, yeah. We should go back to that battleship, by the way, sometime. I'd love to go back to the battleship. When we did that show on a battleship. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. We should go back to that battleship, by the way, sometime. We'd love to go back to that battleship. When we did that show on the battleship,

you know, just imagine being a battleship grandpa who's just there to look at, you know, cranks or turrets. He really wants to check out the rivets this time.

Count Rivets. We're there talking about Wario. He did like Herman's head, though. A lot of people sell him short. A lot of Herman's head fans. A lot of people are begging for that reboot. Our guest on that Battleship show was Dana Gould, another Simpsons connection there.

Long time Simpsons writer, producer dana gould yeah anyway and a battleship yeah the uss freedom um brian are there uh is it time to is it time to reveal the final numbers yeah did we have any other was there any other worthwhile anecdotes what didn't what didn't some child accidentally shoot an arrow through another child's hand or something? He went. It's a funny go-to for... Oh, there was one very long anecdote from an associate dean in Canada.

One of their students had gone to Quebec because I guess it's easier to drink up in Quebec. And a pair of them had gone and they started doing cocaine or something. And one of them had left and come back and left the other one up there with no cell phone. And his job... Just left them in Quebec? Yeah.

Yeah. And his job was to like they don't speak french they're fucked like call all the authorities while the other one like sit with the other one while they like you know did they at least leave him some seal pelts no no seal pelts at all blubber to chew on i don't really know what's going on in quebec they got these little they got these little bagels i know know that. A lot of the... One principal said they have got no fun stories

because they don't want to risk a FERPA violation, which is some educational thing. I don't know. A rule that you can't talk about that stuff. It's like if you ask a guy in sports sunglasses

to get vaccinated. Right. Exactly. Jesse, that's a FUPA violation. Thank you. Oh, yeah. I'm curious. I want to hear those final numbers.

Oh, one more. One Episcopal priest was ordained in Grace Cathedral in San Francisco. That's all. He just wanted to shout that out because, you know. Shout out to Grace Cathedral in San Francisco. It's a spectacular place. You know who spent a lot of time there, Brian? Bishop Swing, baby.

There you go. That's right. I ran that joint. That's right. Swish, swish. Grace Cathedral in San Francisco is the legendary place where Desmond Tutu complimented my dancing. Wow. That's cool.

Beautiful. That's big. Wow. There's a plaque there. There's a plaque. That's big. Wow. There's a plaque there.

There's a plaque. Okay, so in terms of numbers, the clergy blew the principals and vice principals and the deans away. Wow. Fucking amazing. 13 real clergy and one faux pope that made up his own thing. He was a Unitarian Universalist-ish, is what he said. But there were four... We should explain.

That was Benjamin Franklin. Yeah, that's right. Talked a lot about turkeys. One school director, one assistant principal, one dean, and one associate dean. So we had four in the school category. Interestingly, the dean, and one associate dean. So we had four principals in the school category. Interestingly, the dean was Dean Cain. You wouldn't expect that this would be his thing, but he was real into it. And then as far as clergy goes, the breakdown on clergy were, there were three Episcopalian priests, two Jewish rabbis, a Mennonite, a Lutheran, a Methodist, a Baptist, one Church

of Christ pastor, one... Are they all walking into a bar? Yeah, all of them. It's a whole crew. The bartender says. Our Latter-day Saints bishop. One was a horse. One with a long face.

One Quaker who said that in the Quaker religion, I didn't know this, there are no clergy in the Quaker religion. So everyone's considered a clergy. So he counted himself. You know what you do? You go and sit in a circle until someone has moved to speak. Yeah. It's the old Quaker technicality.

Yeah. That's right. So yeah, 13 of them. 13 to 4 was our final. 13 and 1 to 4 was our final count. This is extraordinary. Amazing. Amazing.

I knew that God was with us. We've been doing this show a long time. And I knew he was the wind beneath our wing. But this is genuine proof. Do you think that principals check out this show, they know that we're bad kids who've wasted our potential, and then they check out. Do you think that's what's happening? I think, yeah, I think that's what's so upsetting to an educator.

I mean, I would imagine, Jordan, that you disappointed a lot of school administrators in your time. I know that I left a trail of disappointment behind me in my school career. I did too, apparently. Yeah. There you go. I was never living up to my potential. What subject could you not bring yourself to do well in, even though maybe you could have? I wasn't like that. I really didn't do well in math and science. I did very well in English and the humanities, although I wasn't particularly good at history except for the memorization part of it. But I was really good at spelling, really good at grammar. I liked to write, but when I took my SATs, my math score was so low they're like can she count is she all right so we can make sure your mother got a letter that said yeah just run one to 20 real quick and then each day go a little higher how were you with the bow and arrow? Actually went to camp. I was always sent to camp because there was no world where I was going to be allowed to just sit around in the summer. So I went to a camp that had archery and I was not terrible at it.

So no hand injuries. No hand injuries. If you mean, was I dumb enough to be at the target when somebody else was shooting and i got into the target the answer would be no let me ask you this yardley given the success of the television show the simpsons and to a lesser extent but not insignificant extent the success of the sitcom herman's Head, given the lifestyle that that success has afforded you, and given your obvious facility with the bow and arrow, have you ever thought about Gina Davis-ing this thing? Just drop out and see if you can make the

Olympics. No, actually. Well, I'm just offering it to you as a path. If you'd like. I'm always open to fresh ideas, and that one is super fresh. Yeah. It's very fresh. I'm Gina Davising, but in the sense that I'm starring in the reboot of A League of Their Own. Now, it has not been a popular cast choice,

but I think I'm going to surprise a lot of people. I'd like to star in the reboot of Thelma and Louise. Yeah. You know, for the middle-aged. Why the fuck not? Come on. I'd like to be in Cutthroat Island. Listen, we've all got a little Geena Davis inside us.

You do. You know, Geena Davis, Geena Davis originally, she, one of the things besides archery that she did when she left show business for a little while was she endowed a center, originally I think at USC, now at Mount St. Mary's, that studies gender inequity in show business. They've had some really big, like done some really big breakthrough work that's gotten a lot of attention. I think she just won a huge award for that work actually in the last year.

She came in to do Bullseye one time. She was like one of the most formidable human beings I've ever met. It's like if you met Angela Merkel or something. Or Desmond Tutu. Like she just comes in and just locks you in. Yeah. She's pretty remarkable.

I think you could do that, Yardley. Let's make it happen. Let's get you... First, you're going to have to arch your way... You know what, Jordan? Huh? Gina Davis already did archery. Let's get Donna to teach Yardley how to modern

pentathlon. Oh, sure, yeah. We have an Olympian listener who could teach you how to run. Is that five disciplines you have to learn pentathlon? Yeah, you're talking about running. You're talking about swimming. Fuck me. You're talking about shooting a rifle. You're talking

about fencing, and of course, riding a horse you've never met before. Oy, oy, oy. Okay. At least four things I really, really dislike. So there. One of them being horseback riding. Yeah.

You love rifle shooting. Yeah. I'm actually a pretty good shot. You're always up on the roof taking aim. That's me. I'm a pretty good shot, actually. Have you shot a gun before? Find me at the book depository.

Yes. Ha! Nuh-uh. You're in Dallas. I'm a pretty good shot actually if it's the weekend find me at the book depository yes nuh uh nuh uh well yeah why don't we since we're now God's favorite podcast do you want to go to a break with a little call and response to God? yeah well I mean just maybe I'll

God are you there? it's me Jordan Jordan Jessico. Help me. They just made a movie of that book. Oh. Did they really? Yeah, James L. Brooks is the executive producer of Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret. Oh, beautiful.

You know, he worked on The Simpsons. He still works on The Simpsons. Yeah, the guy worked on The Simpsons. James L. Brooks. Okay, look, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. I'm Lisa Hanawalt. And I'm Emily Heller. Nine years ago, we started a podcast to try and learn something new every episode.

Things have gone a little off the rails since then. Tune in to hear about low stakes neighborhood drama, gardening, the sordid nasty underbelly of the horse girl lifestyle, hot sauce, addiction to TV and sweaty takes on celebrity culture and the weirdest, grossest stuff you can find on wikipedia.org. We'll read all of it no matter how gross. There's something for everyone on our podcast, Baby Geniuses. Hosted by us, two horny adult idiots. Hang out with us as we try and fail to retain any knowledge at all.

Every other week on Maximum Fun. A man goes to the doctor and says that he's depressed and that life seems cruel. The doctor says, ah, the treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him and you will surely feel better. The man bursts into tears and says, but doctor, I am Pagliacci. Ah, okay, says the doctor. In which case, try listening to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast.

The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is a multi-award winning comedy podcast and you can find it at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Yardley Smith, also sometimes known as Clarice. Clarice. Clarice, please explain it all. So, last time I was the football, thanks to Detective Dan, Clarice comes to me from Detective Dave, who I think because we do a true crime podcast, thinks it's funny to call me Clarice from Silence of the Lambs. And it so amuses me that I'm very happy to share that with you today.

Yeah, no, take that and run with it. He also calls me Yarbles. Now I want to be called Yarbles. I'm super jealous about this Yarbles thing. I think there's actually almost nobody in my life who calls me Yardley. Hank Azaria

calls me Yardle. Another nickname is Squirrel. who calls me Yardley. My Hank Azaria calls me Yardle. That's good. Another nickname is Squirrel, as in Squirrely Girl. Okay, sure. There's like an infinite number of things you can do with Yardley. Also, when I was a kid, it was Yard Dog, Yard Weed, Yard Stick, Meterly, Inchly, Footly, when we were trying to go metric back in the day yeah yeah so anyhow now thanks to boris johnson i don't think america will ever get there yeah yeah uh

well yardley what a what an honor it has been to have you uh classing up our program a little bit um uh yardley's show small town Town Dicks, is really fascinating. Interviews with real detectives about their most fascinating and memorable cases. Not always horrifically grisly, but sometimes. Often. It is a joy of a program.

You can watch Yardley make Dutch babies with the nearest Dutchman on Oil & Water on Instagram and YouTube. And Herman Said's reunion is coming to Paramount+. Jesse, you have to stop that. In 2022. I have to knock that off. It's coming to Quibi? Let's see. I am DBTV.

Yeah. We sold a few quick bites of the Herman's Head reunion to Jeffrey Katzenberg or whatever. Perfect. Yardley, what an honor and a joy it's been to have you on the program. Thank you so much for wasting your time with us. Yeah. Thank you. What a thrill.

This was the best waste of time I've had all day. Ah, I'll take it. I will take it. You guys are awesome. Jordan, Jesse go produced by Brian, Sonny D Fernandez. Our theme music. Love you by the free design, courtesy of the free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Our thanks to them. You can find us on

Twitter at jessithorn at jordan underscore morris. You can find us on Reddit at maximumfun.reddit.com or marbles.reddit.com, Jordan. Wow. Yeah, we made it in there. Or bozgags.reddit.com. Whichever one of those

top three you prefer. Depends on what kind of shuffling you're doing. I feel like Reddit is not for the faint of heart. Look, our Reddit is for the faintest of hearts. Our Reddit is just a bunch of little puddin' pops. In general, you're correct, Yardley. In general, that is a very fair statement. But, you know, hang out on r slash maxfun,

r slash marbles, r slash bodsgags. You're having a good time. Nobody's doxing you. I love it. We do have a, before you can join r slash maxfun, we do have just a simple two-question quiz,

which is are you dot dot dot, and the choices are alpha or beta, and you do have to choose beta. You must choose beta. You have to choose and you do have to choose beta. You must choose beta. You have to choose beta? You have to choose beta. No alphas. Yeah.

No chads or Stacys. Hilarious. No sports sunglasses. If you have quality concerns about the program, tweet them at JDPower on Twitter. Hashtag your tweets. Hashtag JJGo. And we will talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, Go.