Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 716: Toothin' with Matt Kirshen and Andy Wood

Episode Date: December 13, 2021

Matt Kirshen and Andy Wood (Probably Science pod) join Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of what size and color Snoopy's dog hog would be if it were depicted in a parade balloon, the role of the blushing vicar in English comedy, and what to do if a movie ruins your childhood. Plus, Matt saw a rocket blast into space that Andy's college roommate engineered! Help us settle a bet! Give us a call if you are listening from Ukraine -- 206-984-4FUN or send us a voicemail at [e-mail]! 

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris. Hey, Jesse. Yeah, buddy. What's going on? How do I get on a float? Ah, that's a good question, my friend.

Because it's float season. Yeah, you've seen these parades, right? They're flashing them all over TV. Floats going all over town. I don't even need, Jordan, to get on a float float. You know what I mean? Like, I don't need to be in the Rose Parade. I just want to be in the highland park

christmas parade and i think for that all you have to do is is rent a convertible like just from avis just rent a convertible mustang you know pay the extra 30 dollars rent the mustang and join the parade it's not a not really a float though is it i don't know i just don't know. I just, like, you see these floats, right? And they're covered in people. And you've never even heard of some of these assholes. Yeah, some of these people are just a comptroller. Yeah, or somebody who works for, like, you know, Westinghouse. Yeah.

Or it's just Ronald, the real Ronald McDonald. But he's not wearing his makeup, so you can't even see that it's the famous clown. You know what I mean? It just looks like some dickhead with giant feet. Yeah, right? Smells like fries. Yeah. So if that asshole, if makeup-free Ronald McDonald gets to ride around on the float,

waving to everybody like king shit. Jordan, he goes by Ron when he's not wearing the makeup. Yeah, Ron makeup. Yeah. Ron McDonald. Yeah. So this guy gets to just cruise around, you know. Sometimes people recognize him mostly from the movie Mac and Me. Right. Where he had a small cameo.

Yeah. Without the makeup. Yeah. He had a cameo without the makeup and then he did the Ronald McDonald thing the rest of the movie. Fun. That's a fun look behind the scenes of the great movie Mac and Me. He also choreographed the dance sequence. That's kind of what they're...

Because they have that new Mario movie, but it's going to be Chris Pratt. The guy who does Mario's woo-hoos is getting to do that kind... It's getting to do like that kind it's getting to do like oh small voice like he's not mario but charles martinette the guy who has done mario's to do other parts yeah i don't know exactly what he's gonna be you know a goomba or a koopa troopa all i really know all i really know about that mario movie we'll get back to something important, floats, in a minute. That's the primary topic.

You remember that game Mario Sunshine? That's the Mario game that I have the most passion for the canon. Right. And by the canon, I just mean that when he would spray something, it would say, shine get. I mean, if that's not in the movie, are you going to declare your childhood ruined?

No, I'm going to paintball Chris Pratt's house. Hell yeah. See, you know what? That's proactive. All these people who are mad about reboots, they're just complaining online, you know, doxing people, review bombing Rotten Tomatoes.

They need to go out there with the paintball guns and paintball the houses of the people they're mad at. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Yeah. Hold, hold on. I do not want Kristen Wiig's house to get paintballed. Too late. There's already 30 guys heading over to Kathleen Kennedy's.

Right. And they all had paintball guns ready, is the thing. They all had them. I do not want Rian Johnson's house to get paintballed. The premise that I'm arguing for here is if you're mad that one of these reboots ruined your childhood, you paint chris pratt's house it's as simple as that so this would we just happen to have been talking about him for mario but just any any reboot yeah if you go and see jason reitman's whatever it's called

ghostbusters evangelion yeah and it ruins your childhood. Then you go to Chris Pratt's house and paintball it. So if like the Willow Disney Plus series fails to meet your expectations, do not paintball Warwick Davis. No. Who would paintball Warwick Davis? That guy's a charmer. Yeah. He used to run an agency and management company for little people in show business.

He looked like a cool guy to me. Yeah. Seems like a guy he's good at acting he's good in willow sure yeah yeah you know but yeah chris pratt's house yeah that's where all right let's get back to yeah let's get back to floats how you get on though how do you get on those i mean you want to get all my first thinking jesse you want to get my first thing up on those, Jesse. I want to get all up on those floats. Wave to the people. Have you considered, and this isn't a pitch, it's just an offer for something to consider, is what if you became a middle manager at the Prudential?

Yeah, that seems like a good first step. Yeah, is that the shortest way? Could you work at a local bank? I could probably work at a local bank, yeah. Who gets on the float though it's just like a teller i don't know how do you look in a stretchy dress shirt like a dress shirt with a little stretch in it a non-iron slightly stretchy white dress shirt i look amazing are you ready for that amazing you look great yeah okay well then you're in you're you're hired man, man. Float, here I come. What do you think?

2024, I'm on that float? If I go tomorrow. I don't think you have to. No, 2022. Really? Yeah. You got to work your way up because you're starting as a teller. Now, you have a college education.

A lot of those tellers don't. I think you have a facility with numbers. We all know that. Sure. Of course. Yeah. If this podcast has proven one thing you're good at computers jordan that i know my fives from my sixes so i think you're gonna i think you're

gonna rock it into mid-management but i think it's gonna take 18 months so that's why i would get started now and then hit the float in just a minute or great okay just put on the fucking polo shirt jump on the float and see if anybody kicks you off yeah that seems maybe more sensible yeah or just be in charge of the flowers committee you know how those rose bowl flowers uh it takes a lot of work just volunteer for the committee and you're in oh i think i would i don't know that i would do good with the flower handling i have um if clumsy fingers. I think I would crush all those delicate little buds.

You're more of a computer guy. By the way, before we started recording, I crushed a few buds. Hell yeah. Should we introduce our guests on the show, Jordan? Yes. Maybe they got float ideas. We're doing important work, Pulitzer Committee. Our guests on the program,

they are co-hosts of the Probably Science podcast. They are comics. They're well-known charmers. Who knows? Maybe they're good with numbers. Matt Kirshen and Andy Wood. Hi, Matt and Andy. Welcome back to the show. Hey, thanks for having um i i feel kind of guilty because i i didn't realize that was your biggest aspiration to be in on a float um it is it's my it's my biggest aspiration once it happens i can die i might even like at the end of the parade jump off the float and get crushed by it yeah or just shed your old skin and be born anew. Yeah. Videodrome style. So here's where I feel bad because I didn't realize that this was,

I didn't realize it was such a sort of privilege because I don't, you may be able to tell from my accent, I didn't grow up in this country. I didn't grow up in a float-based culture. We don't value floats. You guys are more into savory pies. Exactly. Yeah, that's our biggest thing. We will absolutely watch savory pies travel past us,

and we will cheer. I would love to ride around in one of those. That's what they do every year at Thanksgiving, Jordan. I don't mean to England-splain you. But we have our Thanksgiving. Pies drive around. The thing we have. Pies travel around. Thank goodness our pies are savory and andy will know this because andy's been a friend for many years and we've podcast together and i've told i guess i just mentioned this impossible again i didn't realize i was gloating

i didn't realize i was making this up but when i first came to la um you know you just meet some people and every someone might become uh you become a bit of a mentor to you. You don't realize how valuable they are in the industry, but you just go like, oh, this person's taken a shine to me. And when I first, one of the first people I met when I came to LA was a... Can I guess, Matt? Go on. USC running back Reggie Bush. Very close.

I mean, also, to be honest, I may have met that person and not realized it. Keep your eyes out for enormous thighs. That's the way to spot any running back. Jesse, I'm two steps ahead of you. But one of the first people I met who took me

very much under his wing was a giant inflatable Snoopy. A massive helium-filled Snoopy. And, you know, he gave me some good advice, came to a few shows, the outdoor ones mostly. And just I got a hookup to be in a parade. And I guess I just didn't realize that was a big deal. I was just like, okay, I guess this is just a way to get about in new york that i feel like that's a really that's a really hard way to find out how many people in show business are just completely fucking delusional

now did you know and i don't mean to be cynical like obviously you know you're like a funny guy and like snoopy and sorry giant inflatable snoopy saw you and you know was like oh this kid's got talent but I mean was it a situation where he expected something in return yep okay I see what you're asking I see what you're asking and no every so often I had to re-inflate him

but through the dick but that's I just took that as just that's what friends do for each other can i ask a question to you guys yeah you know the giant inflatable snoopy that's in parades and stuff you were just talking about it man yep would dick on it, or if it had a little small dick. Like a really small dick. Like you could see it, but it's little. Just for clarity, Jesse, worse for whom?

Yeah, I mean, let's... For America, I guess. I don't think we need to talk about it in these negative terms. Let's say what's better. Yeah. Okay. Well, first we have to answer the age-old question that Charles Schultz never did, which is what color is Snoopy's dick? Yes, he was a deeply religious man and refused to let us know what color Snoopy's dick is.

You have to assume it's red. Yeah, the cow of Schultz. Every time they ask, he just said he had to pray on it. Right. That smelled P-R-E-Y. Need to spend some time in the word. And the Lord will tell me what color Snoopy's dick is. And the Lord will tell me what color Snoopy's dick is I mean, Bill Waterston wasn't afraid to show us Hobbes' dick

Thank you, yeah That's practically all he drew And he was a secular humanist I mean, Bill Waterston's whole thing was just different stuff that Calvin pissed on Right, yeah the dude was dude was fucking obsessed with cranks i mean gee whiz he was two things with this guy bill watterson was three things i'm sorry a secular humanist right obsessed with cranks yeah and he just hated chevys he just hated chevys you know what in the words of my

greatest mentor kathy act act thank god it's not swimsuit season for another six months is all i have to say tell me about it very much tell me about it thank you you. For rich or for poor. Yes. Well, Mallard Fillmore. Allow me to add Mallard Fillmore. The politics duck. Yes. The conservative duck.

I think the guy went insane and became a Nazi. Go ahead, Jordan I wonder what Mallard's up to now He probably has some good takes He's a regular on Ben Shapiro He radicalized Dilbert, apparently Is that Dilbert guy still out there doing weird shit? Have anybody checked on Dilbert guy?

I got a friend who's kind of been lost To the cult of him Oh no I hope she doesn't listen to this shit have anybody checked on all the fucking time yeah i got a friend who's kind of been lost to the cult of him um oh no i hope she doesn't listen to this i mean delightful person is her name dog but yeah i guess one of his things he's also i think i don't want to misrepresent scott adams but i think he's into like a neurolinguistic programming and or hypnotism so i don't know if his youtube videos will put you in some kind of trance or something, but yeah, he's got a lot of,

he's got a lot of really bad takes. Andy, can I ask you something about your friend's hair? Is it triangular in shape? That's all I remember about Dilbert. We've gotten to the end of the things that I remember about Dilbert. Nothing but bad news on the Dilbert. We've gotten to the end of the things that I remember about Dilbert. Nothing but bad news on the Dilbert front. Yeah. Did you guys have a favorite? Do they? Okay. I'm going to start with you, Matt. Yeah. Do they even have newspaper comic strips in the UK? Is that a

thing? They do. They do. And we have some of the same ones, but also some different ones. Like, well, all right. Which ones ones cross the pond so we'll have a garfield they'll they'll you know there'll be a garfield uh i think i think one newspaper ran calvin hobbs i'm not sure well you don't really have kathy and then there are and then there are some yeah there's a bunch of other ones including the absolutely baffling f Bassett, which... What is that? That is, that's in the Daily Mail, and Fred Bassett is a Bassett hound, and over the course of three or four squares, he will say the mildest thing

that'll make a grandparent slightly smile. And it's like, oh, it's muddy outside. that's that's a fred bassett punchline man for so for so many years i have been pitching my old boss i used to work on this show called west coast live in san francisco now now no longer being produced but my old boss said she was the host of that show it he had been like a classical, he was a wonderful host, had been the classical music announcer and had like the most incredible sonorous voice, like just a gorgeous 10 out of 10 voice on Sedge Thompson. And for years, like the first four years probably that we did jordan jesse go back when we used to do things and try um i tried to convince sedge to do a segment on the show that was just him

describing what happened in a family circus just describing the things that happened in the frame of a single family circus. I never managed to get him to do it. That's my white whale, guys. Yeah. I want to hear John Houseman say, not me. I was just searching for some Fred Bassett cartoons while you were talking. And let me just, here's one.

This is a three frame fair basset and he he's waking up in the first frame in his dog bed and he's he's sort of up on two of his four paws and he says and his thought bubble says i'm up with a little yawn next to him yeah and then the second frame he's kind of like shaking his head a little. So far, so good, man. I love it this far. Yep. And then in the third frame, he's like half walking out of his dog bed. He still has his rear legs in the bed, but his front paws outside of the dog bed. And the third thought bubble.

And let's remember the first bit said, I'm up. And then there was no thought bubble in the second. And then the third one says but not quite running um he's still moving slow andy oh i'm gonna go paintball chris pratt's house you fucking ruined fred bassett for me so that's fred bassett there that's that's the height of british comedy wow what amazes me i think in the in the newspaper comic strips and i look i haven't looked at an actual newspaper uh other than like maybe sometimes at the airport you buy the new york times for the airplane like other than that i don't think i've looked at an actual newspaper in in 10 years but the the serial the narrative

newspaper comic strips are more amazing to me than even that one comic strip that only runs in the sports section like even that one less amazing than the than the strictly narrative comic strips. You're talking about Prince Valiant. But there's a couple more. Is someone or other MD, right? Rex Morgan. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Thank you. I was always the thing, and I loved reading the newspaper comics as a kid, like sitting down with, like when mom was reading the paper, I was like, I'm reading the paper too. Loved that as a kid that was before you moved on to the to the bridge challenge right yeah before i discovered

sudoku um uh and i would read the calendar section sometimes too um sure but yeah so i would like so i loved but the thing the most mind-blowing thing to me was how bad the Spider-Man comic sucked. And I wasn't following it. So I wasn't, but just, I'm like, oh, what? Oh, there's a, what? I don't, nothing happened in that. Yeah, it's, yeah, that was the most, because like Spider-Man rules, but why does this suck? This is about Spider, like it never makes sense to me.

Is there one where he says i'm up but not quite swinging yeah thanks man i wonder who wrote the spider-man comic like do you think it was a licensed product where like upi or whatever uh I don't think United Press International is the one that distributed the comic strips. Agence France-Presse, Der Spiegel, whoever it was that the International Herald Tribune, whoever it was that distributed the comics, just paid $5,000 at some point.

One of the times when Marvel was going out of business, just paid $5,000, got the rights to make a comic strip of spider-man and somebody just had their friend do it or or do you think it was just the last thing stan lee did in his work week oh shit i gotta turn out some bring the benzadrine let's do this if you were to just stack all of those daily spider-man let's say comics would they form something approaching a readable comic book or were they kind i didn't read those kinds specifically so i don't remember if they is it just that they couldn't get enough story in but But if you got to the next weeks, maybe there was a continuation. I think what they actually are is if you stack them vertically, you get secret messages to CIA agents stationed around the world.

Why does Spider-Man keep saying Epsilon 49? Sassanate Castro? Okay. All right. Oh, man. When they made that animated Spider-Man movie, the only Spider-Man I really had ever read was the comic strip. And I saw that movie.

Next thing you know, I'm on my way to Chris Pratt's house with a fucking paintball gun. You know what I mean, guys? guys jesus why did that make sense why was that easy to follow beginning middle and end no thank you what what happened in prince valiant did he just get the famous haircut it's just a hair prep is that also a dick piercing what am i thinking of what's the dick there's something like a prince value that's a prince albert prince albert yeah prince albert yeah well it'd be funnier if it was a prince

valiant named after the famous sardine andy yeah uh yeah why is it i can tell you actually okay supposedly i think apocryphally why this was related to prince albert the consort of queen victoria the love of her life who i believe at least one of the stories the apocryphal versions is it's something like uh the piercing enables him to then tie his penis or attach his penis to one side of his trouser so that it stays in place because we all know that's the way to keep a penis in place right wow yeah but i can't tell you it's named after him that's a big problem in uh tailoring right there's this story that like if you get your suit made on Savile Row, this is not a joke

this is a real thing, that if you get your suit made on Savile Row they ask you which side you dress which means which side you put your dick on and it just seems to me like you'd have to have such a monster schlong for that to be a big like a worthy consideration like that you need one leg with more room yeah to give you extra dick space but like first of all you you'd have to have your you got to have your inseam cutting up on your nuts yeah that's the first issue then you had to have a crank both so long and so wide that it's causing pants problems with not with blue jeans with you know tailored pants

so like a snoopy sized crank yeah like a little no a big one you know no it's little i don't think i don't think we ever figured out whether or not what would be the best size for Snoopy's dick on the balloon. Should the balloon ever be anatomically correct? It's a little pokey. That's my opinion. Jesse, you're an expert in menswear. You have a sideline in the whole clothing world. Yeah.

Please do your Christmas shopping at putthisonshop.com. Go ahead, Matt. please do your christmas shopping and put this on shop.com go ahead matt well my understanding is in the world of high-end bespoke tailoring every part of like it's not like made to measure suiting where they just kind of measure your your main bits and then they kind of work from a pattern this is like everything is made to accommodate exactly you like exactly your posture if you have a slight slouch they accommodate that if one shoulder slightly higher than the so surely surely if you if you slightly higher than the other. So, surely, if you're hoping for the perfect trouser, like the ideal made for no one but you trouser,

you would want a slightly extra accommodation on the penis side. Whichever way it's hanging. You'd want like a tiny, just a tiny bit of extra material. Like a bit of horse hair in there to give it some shape? Yeah, and just like, you know, the seam just a tiny bit further extra material like a bit of horse hair in there to give it some shape yeah just and just like you know the seam just a tiny bit further over just so that it sits

it it drapes over you it but when people look at it and go like that was made for your dick that wasn't just like a generic dick pattern that they've approximated this is you have the three of you ever had the thought i gotta do something about these pants and my dick? I mean, I... Does that ever come up for you? I kind of like it when it's crushed up against the zipper. So... Crush it, daddy, is what you say to the zipper.

Who doesn't love the feeling of cold dick on hot zipper, huh? See, that might be the issue is maybe in this world of bespoke tailoring you're also expected not to wear underwear and if the thing's tight enough i guess you don't want the seam right like i'm just picturing any 70s uh footage of a rock concert like look at any led zeppelin footage you will see which side robert plant dresses to that jean meat is undeniable, and it's never symmetrical. It's definitely all twig and berries on one side of the seam. Not that I've spent that much time looking.

You just can't not look when Robert Plant is, yeah. If anything, you would want the customization done to your boxer briefs. Yeah, to guide it to one side if you want that side, I guess. Yeah. Oh, is this right up there against that hot zip? Yeah, Jesse, if you're stuffing it into boxer briefs, how are you going to feel that little kiss of the zip? Ooh.

It's me, the hot zip. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. This show is supported, of course, by the members of maximum fun.org you cradle us like a nice pair of boxer briefs i would guess i would say beautiful beautiful image i mean like briefs just regular briefs could also be supportive, depending on your preference. Sports bra? Sure. That also supports. The point is MaximumFun.org

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We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Andy Wood, left dresser. Love you, love you, love you You were just thinking about pants and dicks. I understand. That's fine. Matt was trying to suss out the secret CIA code. Now he's off to assassinate Castro. I watched too many Scott Adams videos, and I don't know. My vision went all squiggly. I started eating onions that tasted like oranges to me. I don't know.

Everything's weird. I was quacking like a duck and flapping my arms. All my coworkers were there. It's in a conference room at a three and a half star hotel. Matt, Andy, did either of you ever experience a piece of media, film, television program, music, in just a profoundly inappropriate context. So we got onto this because my wife was shown The Shining at an eighth birthday party, which really couldn't be more profoundly awful. but like have you ever you know uh been at a work function and you know watched uh one of those bet uncut rap videos accidentally something like that oh wait not not necessarily that it was too early but just wrong time wrong place for this wrong time wrong place it could be too early it could It could be, you know, when you're at the bank

and you're wearing your little stretchy white shirt. Just a little stretch in there. It's 5% Lycra. Just 5%. You know what? 3%. It's all you need. You know, you don't need to go whole hog on this.

Just enough to get on the float. Float me, me baby you say i feel like one or two percent that's that's at best orange freeze territory gotta kick it up to float with five i remember like on just like a car trip um i had a friend with me who like was the first kid I knew that had a big CD collection. He was early to collecting music, and I think his big sister was a big music fan, so he got a lot of secondhand, hand-me-down CDs. So when we would drive him around, he would always bring those Case Logic wallets filled with CDs. I was going to guess like a duran

duran album from 1992 yeah no so i think he was the first kid who had like you know smashing pumpkins that i knew um gin blossoms gin blossoms kid yeah real yeah and i remember him so he would like bring it and like ask my mom to like put on some of the CDs that he had when like we were driving him around. I remember she put on he put on she put on like the best of the violent femmes. And there was a song about like the violent femmes. Like, you know, you kind of if you don't like know their body of work, you're like, oh, they have those kind of 80s prom songs. But they had a hit about

a farmer throwing his daughter in a well. And I think that in particular upset me. It's called My Heart Will Go On. Right. And I think that my mom afterwards sat me down and said, do we need to have a talk with Mike's parents about this music that he's listening to? Anyway. Wow. She was ready to extend it beyond the borders of your family.

Yeah, yeah. She's just concerned. You know, there's a lot of, you know, Tipper Gore was out there. Yep. You know, next thing you know. Shaking her ass on mtv yeah exactly barely wearing any goddamn thing yeah just to be provocative yeah i mean i've got the sort of you know watching horror movies too young you know we definitely did the stephen king's it tv adaptation when we were too young uh yeah and a few others on like sleepover birthdays i also remember i somehow ended up on a church skiing trip to scotland when i was a teenager despite not being a christian or a

member of that church because because my friend's dad was the vicar and i guess someone dropped out last minute so then he was like do you want to go uh and i remember someone in that car journey had jagged little pill uh the uncut version and then realized halfway through yeah halfway through you ought to know that like just try to like cough over the fuck you i assumed i assumed it was the theater fellatio that was yeah that was it yeah yeah the theater fellatio as well sure there was definitely yeah would she go down on you which in a in a theater in a what in a theater matt can i ask you a question yes do all experiences in an english youth involve a vicar blushing definitely yeah the the main purpose of the church of england is to maintain and subvert

societal norms the only thing that will stop a vicar from blushing is that dog comic so that's why that's why they basically yeah the main thing a vicar does is they shake hands with people as they leave church and they they happen to be walking past whenever someone's trousers awkwardly fall down, revealing flowery boxer shorts. Right. Oh, my word. Oh, the vicar.

Is that a constable chasing an ape? Anyway, we asked our audience about this, and somebody called in. What do you got there, Brian? Why don't you hit play? All right, Jordan, Jesse, go. How's it going? This is Mike from Illinois. So I'm calling in about inappropriate media and viewing.

So I'm calling in about inappropriate media and viewing. I would say we were about seven, maybe eight years old back in the 80s, latchkey kids. And we're hanging out with friends of ours, and their grandpa had rented Alice in Wonderland. And apparently somehow there was a mix-up at a video store and he left. And it ended up being the Marilyn Chambers porn version of House in Wonderland that a bunch of eight and nine-year-olds watched. And the second inappropriate media I have is... Wait, hold on, Brian. Pause this. What did they think? Look, I want to know.

It's not just that they saw it. i want to know if they liked it that's you know and i think that's that kind of hilarious mix-up is just going to be lost you know just going to be lost to time because we are not doing porno versions of popular entertainment anymore right well they're also not doing the the video store so you know you're not gonna have i also want to know uh who got the other tape and how far into the non-porno version did they get before oh yeah right there's another there's another half of this story like any second now this is gonna take a turn i mean i appreciate that commitment to story my wife worked at a video store when i first started dating her when we were 17 i think and she had worked there for quite a while and they definitely rented porn like 100 she knew all of the local men

who went to the video store to rent pornography because they would return it. Like it was a small video store. You know what I mean? Like it was like a local video store. It's not like she worked at Hollywood Video. She worked down at the corner at the video store and just dudes had to return their pornography to a 16-year-old girl. Fucking video stores were weird. Plus they had that bead curtain.

Those are creepy. Yeah. Those curtains. I have also remembered that at school, our teacher showed us the Polanski version of Macbeth, which... Oh, yeah. You got some toppled switches in that, don't you?

Yeah, there's definitely... That should not have been shown to a room of 16-year- matt i was gonna say i have a surprisingly similar i can't believe you said ski trip because my story was also ski trip related uh my family and i were going up to i think um boyne highlands in northern michigan and um we got to the house where we were staying and there was a tv vcr but only like one or two VHS tapes. And none of us had heard of this movie. So we popped it in. I just Googled it.

It's a 1986 British American erotic thriller called half moon street that stars Sigourney Weaver and Michael Caine. And I would have been 10. My little brother would have been six, my older brother 12 and we're all watching. And then suddenly Sigourney Weaver is a topless on a stationary bike. And we're all wondering what we're supposed watching, and then suddenly Sigourney Weaver is topless on a stationary bike, and we're all wondering what we're supposed to do now, if we're supposed to avert our eyes or just act like this is normal.

We're watching Sigourney Weaver naked with our family. This is how adults exercise. To this day, you cannot come without a stationary bike. Thank God for Peloton, am I right? Wait, Andy, does Cain hang dong in it? I don't think it's that. It's a respectable, I'm trying to see whether it was well received by critics here on Wikipedia. No, I don't think there's any dong hanging. I think we didn't finish it. I think not too long after the topless Sigourney, it was taken out and not spoken of again.

Your dad said, I'm not sticking around for Michael Caine's little pokey. I'm going to watch this Charlie Brown Christmas special. Brian, is there a rest of that call? Brian, is there a rest of that call? And the second inappropriate media I have is I'm hanging out with a couple friend of mine and their mom. And we're going, we're driving to do some shopping and stuff like that. And the couple are Sag, Vixen, hot wife couple. And apparently the girl had had a video sent to her of her having sex with a gentleman friend of theirs.

And she pressed play, not really thinking about it. And it went over the Bluetooth. So her mom got to hear the girl screaming out in pleasure for about 15 seconds while she was freaking out trying to turn it off. It was the greatest car ride of my life. Now, Matt, the piece that you're missing here is the mom is a vicar. Right.

Oh, no. So she was as red as a beet. The one day she's coming to tea. Yeah. I don't... Like, you see, this is such a like bad comedy trope of the like thing like since comedies learned that the internet existed like there's the trope of the like embarrassing thing playing and then someone not knowing how to turn it off like yeah you know how

to do you not know how to turn something off everyone knows how to turn something off like i you could turn something off quickly if it got that far i mean i could see a few seconds of fucking playing over the bluetooth but i don't know is that a possibly a new type of of cuckoldry oh yeah like taking it to the max right yeah it's just everyone everyone involved is horny i hope you know maybe you know maybe maybe mom's in on it maybe mom feigns shock or just the whole thing only works if it goes out over bluetooth right yeah that's how everybody finishes up yeah i think people are just all about tooth in these days that's what the kids are yeah you cheat you play like a little bit of a

music video first as well like so it's like a naughty rick roll yeah uh yeah i mean if you don't use the bluetooth you're gonna get the blue balls thanks jordan no problem that's just what they say i'm just saying what they say right it's just something you've read on reddit uh when something momentous happens to you we ask you to call us at 206 by the way if you have an inappropriate media experience 206-984-4FUN or jjgo at maximumfun.org and if something momentous happens to you uh same deal deal like this person did and called with theirs. Momentous Occasions by Jordan Jesse Go. Hello, Jordan Jesse and guest, who is probably James Cameron, the creator of Avatar.

Can you pause it, Brian? This is fucking wild. This is fucking unbelievable. A lot of people, this is like, you're not even going to believe this. We had James Cameron booked on the show. Matt and Andy were last minute replacements. I'm just going to say it.

Matt and Andy were last minute replacements. We had James Cameron booked on the show, but he couldn't get the Wi-Fi in the Mariana Trench. The Marianas Trench? I don't mean to trench splay i don't know fuck if i know i don't know about fuck what do you think i am james cameron the director of avatar and avatar 2 through 24 he's been shooting for the last 20 years point of order i believe i believe listener pronounced it al it avatar which i i think an avatar that takes place on melmac where you have to embody an elf body would be a much better

sequel what if just what if this it doesn't take place on melmac elf isn't in it but one of those fucking avatars you know the guys with the blue heads what if one of those guys just fucking eats a cat just real chill just down the hatch i have another pitch i kill me yeah thanks jordan what is it alvatar and the chipmunks what happened to alf by the way because he was like everywhere for a while and then he's courageous sunk honestly alf seems when i think back to my memories we've discussed we've discussed visiting our memories of things i've discussed this thing that i do where i've not seen something in 20 years and instead of re-watching it i'll just think about what it was like then and try

and figure out what i would think now when i look back alf still seems pretty funny to me i mean i don't want to bring this down i know we're all seems pretty funny to me. I mean, I don't want to bring this down. I know we're all laughing and yucking it up, but Alf actually in 1996 was crushed by his own parade float. Didn't Alf have a talk show for a while? Yeah, I think Alf had a daytime talk show maybe. No, you're thinking of Joan Rivers.

Oh, thank you. Alf also did not pay his writers paid them in cats that he sees i think i seriously i think that the two celebrities that had talk shows where you're like surprised is alf and charles groden that's what i think i read that on a buzzfeed listicle magic johnson magic johnson had that talk show for a while magic johnson with big boy caroline ray chevy chase yeah chevy chase had one you know that it's not caroline ray it's uh what's the woman who had the daytime talk show for a while that was... Wendy Williams? Yeah, it was Wendy Williams.

I was thinking of Wendy Williams. God, she's fucking funny. She's just got funny in her bones. Wendy Williams. Also eats cats. It's got cat bones in her bones. In her bones, it's cat bones. Who's your top five daytime TV talk show host that you cast?

Number one, Wendy Williams. Number two, it's got to be Judge Judy, right? Number three, Montel all day, all night. Judge Joe Brown, of course. Judge Joe Brown. Man, that guy will pop a Siamese down the hatch. That guy will snarf a tabby. I'll snarf a tabby.

And then... Number five is Wolf Blitzer. Yeah. Al's top ten is not top five. Yeah. Yeah. What's going on again, Brian? Calls wise, I don't remember. Avatar.

Oh, yeah, this Avatar one. I don't care about the rest of it. Yeah. So I'm calling in with a momentous occasion. I don't remember. Avatar. Oh, yeah, this Avatar one. I don't care about the rest of it. Yeah. So I'm calling in with a momentous occasion. I'm from Belarus. And after living in the United States for 10 years, I got deported. And since I got back here,

I was listening to your show every day. And it's really hard to get medicine out here. In order to get medicine, you have to go to a forest and find it geocaching style through dark net. And it's really dangerous. So I scored some of that medicine. And something momentous happened. I brought it to a friend of mine and we smoked and me and her,

we became part of a throuple with her husband, which was pretty amazing. And not only just a regular throuple, but all Belarusian speaking throuple. As you know, as you might know, in Belarus, about 90% of population speak Russian. And so the fact that they both spoke Belarusian was really hard and pretty momentous for me. So this is my momentous occasion. Thank you so much for the show. I love you very much. Bye.

Wow. This is a fucking incredible journey. much bye wow this is a fucking incredible journey if they make a movie about this i'm on my way to chris pratt's house before i even watch the movie no way the movie will be as good absolutely not no fucking way okay first of all he's got a geocaches weed in bella in in belarus well not just his weed also his medicine he said yeah he said medicine well i think that might have been i think it was a natural medicine matt huh it was medicine to help him think of more avatar movies this guy's blazing trees oh you'd know jimmy cams was uh smoking that dank when he came up with that fucked up shit do you think that all people who speak belarusian also use like do you think the entire language has the delivery of stephen

wright their national drawl man this rules i'm so excited about this i'm so excited about this. I'm so excited about his national... First of all, I'm so excited about just him getting deported and revealing nothing further about that. That is tremendous. Probably legally a good idea. Look, I used to work at an immigration law firm. We did deportation defense. I was proud to help file documents on behalf of people who were threatened with deportation. That said, I want to know what this guy did. That's number one. Number two, I love this guy's pride in his language. So many of these languages are dying across the world,

and this guy is really fucking some life into the Belarusian language. And this guy is really fucking some life into the Belarusian language. Number three, I like that he talked like Stephen Wright, but with a slight Belarusian accent. Number four, it reminded me of that time that I was walking down the street and a guy rolled down his window and yelled, you Russian? Amazing. And you responded? No, I think. You asked him to join. You asked him if he would be interested in a thruple.

May I join you and your wife in your relationship? Yeah, I mean, I guess if you are looking to, like, you know, like spread your language, you know, getting into these types of relationships makes a lot of sense. You know, you could probably, you know, blast out some more Belarusian-speaking babies. I think that's why there's so many throuples among the indigenous peoples of the Americas.

Right. Just trying to preserve those language groups. Beautiful. You know what I mean? There's not that many people who speak K'iche' or Nahuatl, but if you can throuple up, you fuck some life into it. There you go. Beautiful.

Absolutely beautiful. Beautiful. 206-9844-FUN some life into it. There you go. Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. 206-9844-FUN or JJGO at MaximumFun.org. You can just send us a voice memo. That's all. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Well, Manolo, we have a show to promote. It's called After Game Show. It's called Dr. Game Show.

It's a family-friendly podcast where listeners submit games and we play them with callers from around the world. Oh, sounds good. New episodes happen every other Wednesday on MaximumFun.org. It's a fast and loose oasis of absurd innocence and naivete. Are you writing a poem? No, I'm just saying things from my memory. And it's a nice break from reality. Is that... are we allowed to say that? I don't know, it sounds bad.

It comes with a 100% happiness guarantee. It does not. Come for the games and stay for the chaos. Come for the games and stay for the chaos. podcast. We're here to critically evaluate how each animal excels and how it doesn't, rating them out of 10 on their effectiveness, ingenuity, and aesthetics. Guest experts give you their takes informed by actual real-life experiences studying and working with very cool animals like sharks, cheetahs, and sea turtles. It's a field trip to the zoo for your ears. So if you or your kids have ever wondered if a pigeon can count, why sloths move so slow, or how a spider sees the world, find out with us every Wednesday on Just the Zoo of Us,

which can now be found in its natural habitat on MaximumFun.org. Listen and subscribe wherever La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Andy Wood, left dresser. Matt Kirshen, really trying to go one better on the whole catchphrase. Yeah. And you did it, baby.

Congratulations. Could have just called yourself the vicar. Could have just called yourself the vicar. Could have just called yourself the vicar. It was easy. Pie parade. Prince Albert was right there. So when people say Prince Albert in a can, is that a dick piercing in a can? No, it's tobacco.

Yeah, it's a tobacco. There you go. I thought it was a sardine, but yeah, it's a cut tobacco. You're right, Andy. People are fucking these cans yeah no they put the can straight through their dick you pull the key out and then yeah it keeps it on one side i want to i still i i was trying to use the break to google geocaching and i'm still none the wiser i still want to know where you you meet someone in the woods yeah you dig a box out of the ground.

You get a you get a coordinates and you dig a box out of the ground and you got to go on the dark web. Probably. I don't know about that part, but it started as the only way to watch the Dark Knight Rises trailer. Yeah. But now it's how you find find drugs in a country that's hostile to them. Yeah. Belarus. I on the other hand, I spent the break googling cunnilingus uh little help guys

uh yeah it's um c u n andy i'm gonna i'm gonna mail you a vhs tape it's marked alice in wonderland but it ain't the cartoon i mean andy man you guys host a science podcast i think this is a big opportunity for you this sounds like an episode to me this is a teaching moment yeah yeah can you geocache cunnilingus what's been going on on probably science lately has anything interesting you you guys You guys are not the scientists on the program, let's be clear. Andy's old college roommate sent a rocket into space recently. I'm sorry. Excuse me. Yeah. I was roommates with a much smarter person than I who has gone on to an illustrious career with the Applied Physics Lab at Johns Hopkins, which is like the East Coast

version of JPL. And they, in concert with NASA, have done a bunch of cool things. He worked on the Pluto, I think it was called New Horizons flyby, that took 10 years to get out to Pluto and sent us back the best pictures we've ever seen of it. And then just this past Tuesday, he worked... I don't know, I've seen some pretty fucking hot pictures of Pluto. That's because you got the wrong videotape at the store, right? Yeah.

Jesse, this is the space Pluto. Oh, got it. Got it. I thought it was the dog. Go ahead. It's the dog with the... With a little pokey. So we sent a little pokey up into space, meaning humanity,

but really my friend Deepak Srinivasan and the good people at APL and NASA. It's the first mission from the, it's the first ever interplanetary defense mission. It's basically Armageddon or deep impact, depending on which one you like more. We're sending this rocket out to a double asteroid system. That's 7 million miles away. And in a year,

it's going to hit the smaller of those two asteroids. And we're going to see how much we can change the path of that. So we know in the future if we could actually redirect an asteroid that was headed towards our planet and save humanity. So that just launched on Tuesday. Fucking rules. Yeah, that's cool. It's pretty cool. It's worth pointing out

as well, just in case anyone's confused, that Andy's friend Deepak doesn't actually get on the rockets. He just does the work in advance and sends it off. He doesn't right astride them slim pick and style but but aero smith does the soundtrack to this right that's true yeah my college roommate is is also cool he takes a lot of high quality photographs of local wrestling in hayward they are nice photographs that mike takes skilled photographer he's into local wrestling like it

is it like a gym like a high school gymnasium oh oh for some reason i was picturing local pro wrestling yeah yeah no that's what i'm talking about local pro wrestling at a high school gymnasium or like a vfw hall oh okay they're nice pictures shout out to Mike Manuel, my roommate. Had to buy pants to go to a wedding. Didn't have any. He's a good dude. Not even like the ones that rip off and have like tassels on the back? No, no. Had none.

Nothing. Also, one time he punched a hole in the wall of the dorm. Like not inside our dorm dorm but just in the hallway and then we all were like well what the fuck are we supposed to do now there's a like and we all just left we're like well sorry uc santa cruz but we're not you know we're not gonna cop to that uh did deepak strinivasan ever do that andy no the wall punching that i remember did he ever send a rocket through any walls? oh man probably that was after I moved out

but yeah most definitely so Matt you went to see the launch right? I did I did turns out you can just go you can't get that close to it because otherwise you catch fire so they have like you know they give you one of those suits that stuff just everyone who watched the launch

just runs around with their arms in the air one guy gets the one that's actually for dogs instead for dogs that are on fire man i i was thinking if you know the rottweiler attacking you but that also works oh yeah sure oh got it yeah but at the end of the launch you're all uh you're all qualified to work at the uh water world stunt show at universal studio

yeah i should have also said we watched it from a platform uh 20 feet above a pool and it was pretty cool it was like jet skis as it took off we all backflipped bill and ted were there so how where did did you go to like an official rocket watching place man no no so so most of their launches are from florida but there's about i'd say about a fifth of them roughly take off from a base in like in california not too far from santa barbara just a bit further up the it's the uh vandenberg it's now it used to be air force base now it's space force base oh and is it it's is it in wine country can you get a nice pinot while here you absolutely could yes right up that way so can, and just, you can drive pretty close.

You know, you can drive up to like a few miles away. And as you start driving up the road, there are viewing places and we just got, I think we could have actually got a couple of miles closer if we were a little bit bolder. But we were, it was getting close to the launch time. We didn't know we'd have a good vantage point. We just saw like about 50 to 100 cars

parked along the side of the road of this at this sort of lookout point so we just going okay this is clearly one of the spots we got out there and and and then we weren't exactly sure exactly where to look you know we're trying to use google maps to go like where's the actual launch pad which was the dumbest thing because it's very obvious where to look the second the thing takes off it's's just... It's the rocket. You look toward the rocket. Yeah, I wonder where it is. Is it this way where the sky isn't entirely on fire? Or is it to the left where the sky is yellow now?

But I highly recommend doing it. It's great. You know, it goes up pretty quickly. It doesn't take very long. And then, you know, then you see it sort of disappearing off into the distance. And then you have a nice conversation with a man wearing a NASA t-shirt who tells you that he knows the height of all the astronauts wow that's cool yeah and we we tested him and he was good for that

he he was not lying so it was it was all together a really lovely evening it was it was late at night it was like um it was like 10 p.m., which I think most of the launches happen at night because that's when space comes out. Right. You don't want the rocket to fly right into the sun. Right, so we have to wait until nighttime when space is there,

and that's when that launch happens. Yeah, you want to be able to fly to the moon, hit it in the eye, and kill a bunch of Martians with umbrellas. Does, like, shit go down at the Sheraton afterwards? You know what I'm talking about? Oh, man, I think we missed the cool after parties. It was hard to tell.

I mean, we got a semi-cool after party, and, you know, the conversation... He also knows the height of all the rockets, so... Right. So he can correlate them as necessary. Did you guys form a Belarusian thruple? Well, he certainly spoke the same language. Yeah.

Space fandom. Blaze and thruple, baby. You got a blaze and thruple. You got to tooth it. We're learning a lot on this show what other former soviet republics do you think uh have jordan jessico listeners in them do you think there's anybody in the ukraine listening to jordan jessico right now 100 100 you think 100 andy i would bet anything you have Ukrainian listeners. There's no way you don't.

It's a big enough country. In the Ukraine? Yeah. 100%. And they're Ukrainian. They have to be in the Ukraine. They can't be American expats in Ukraine. Oh, well, okay.

Well, I'll still bet 100 bucks on it. Wow. I don't know how you disprove this. Andy. Andy, how about this? I'll allow, what if there is a Ukraine? They live, if it's an American who lives permanently in the Ukraine. So no people who are stationed in the Ukraine,

no people who are just there because they work for an energy company and they're a geologist and they're going back to Dallas in two years. Right. I'm talking about people who have pulled up stakes and moved to the slightly unstable nation of Ukraine that's under threat of invasion at any time. And contains Chernobyl. Yeah.

I can give numbers. Yeah, Brian. I can give numbers based on our last seven days of of downloads if you want actual numbers from this area what's the word on the ukraine brian uh 17 downloads in the last seven days holy shit that's that's 80 if i'm counting correctly that's 85 percent of our yeah we need to do more Ukraine material. So yeah, I mean, I think we... But now we just need to know what they're into, you know?

Yeah. Besides geocaching, blazing trees, and fuck vests. There's one download from the Republic of Moldova. Oh. Oh no, that was me. Okay, Matt. Just on your way through. Yeah, I don't like to podcast at home because it disturbs the missus.

So I like to just go somewhere a little bit more peaceful. Right. Jordan likes to go to one of those study rooms at the public library. Matt, you go to Moldova. Yeah. It's kind of like a WeWork deal. And Dora was booked. Also, I'm not sure if you guys know,

Matt is Dr. Doom. Thanks, Andy. That clears a lot up. That clears a lot up. Are you confusing Moldova with Latveria, Andy? Wait, is this problematic now? I am not. I know, I know.

But I'm saying that I'm sort of equating. But Andy is very racist against Latverian. Everybody knows that about Andy Wood. There's, you know, they're not all Dr. Doom, Andy. Right. There's a lot of good ones, too. Some are simple sheep farmers. Right.

Did Victor actually go to, did he finish his PhD? That said, like 60% of them voted for Dr. Doom. So it's sort of on them. Like, if you're not actively opposing Dr. Doom, you're part of the problem. Right. But as Andy always says, some, I assume, are good people. That's what he says's what he always says about about specific about that variance yes yeah yeah what do you get about people from bizarro world no thanks sick of people sick of people from earth two coming over into this dimension and taking our jobs it's like a batman son coming over here it was lazy melmacians

eating our cats fucking our wives jordan you know how they say you say they say you can flip a congressional seat you don't run against the other candidate. You run against Mr. Mitzopitalik. Right. Yes. 206-984-4FUND, JJ, go at MaximumFund.org if you live permanently in a former Soviet Republic. And Andy, you ready for 100 bucks? Oh, wait. You don't have to pay me.

I only pay you if you can suddenly, if you can somehow disprove. I don't have to pay me. I only pay you if you can suddenly, if you can somehow disprove. I don't have to pay you. No. If a person, look, if a person calls in from the Ukraine, they live there permanently, I owe you $100. I'm sending that straight back to a hundred dollars to a moldovan charity and if it doesn't i owe a hundred dollars to a moldovan charity seems fair six weeks is the time frame brian produce this segment please six weeks and find out what a moldovan charity is find out the top three and we'll pick amongst them bring andy back on the show briefly uh probably science is the name of matt and andy's podcast uh always a joy to talk to you guys thank you for joining us uh thanks for having us

thanks a lot guys uh jim cameron go fuck yourself know, our time actually means something. It has value as much as your fucking time, just because the tides are right for you to go to the Marianas Trench. By the way, in the last presidential election, you could call it a protest vote, but I voted for Marianas Trench. What is, what are you, are you putting something there? I don't know okay seems like a green green party candidate yeah yeah i've been tired this whole time

so tired children so hard being a parent uh 206-9844-FUN jjgo at maximumfun.org andy wood matt kershen they're the two of the co-hosts of the Probably Science podcast. Our producer, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez, Valerie Moffitt on the boards for the live stream. You can find us on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com. You can find us on Twitter at Jordan underscore Morris and at Jesse Thorne. You can find your holiday gifts in your local bookstore where you can pick up a copy of Bubbled. You can also find vintage treasures at putthisonshop.com. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Our thanks to them. And we will talk to you next time on

Jordan, Jesse, go. Design and Light in the Attic Records. Our thanks to them. And we will talk to you next time on Jordan Jesse Go.