Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 717: Fjord Porn with Alison Rosen

Episode Date: December 20, 2021

 Alison Rosen (Alison Rosen is Your New Best Friend pod, Childish pod, Upworthy Weekly Pod) joins us for a discussion of the grating Christmas music that drove Jordan from a hip bar, how the uplifting stories on Alison's new podcast with Upworthy can veer into sad territory, Alison's clapback to being called out after her last appearance on the show, and the time she found porn in a gazebo., and the time she found porn in a gazebo.Check out Alison's new podcast Upworthy Weekly every Saturday!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I went to the flea market today, Jordan. Mm-hmm. And is that every other Sunday or every Sunday? It's on a Sunday where... It's almost every Sunday. If I can take children with me, then I'm allowed to go every Sunday.

Otherwise, if it's a more ambitious flea market that I couldn't make it through with children, I'm going to have to wait for an in-law to be visiting. Got to wait for an in-law to be visiting. So when you say an ambitious flea market, are there flea markets that are set up like American Ninja Warrior where you have to like dodge, rotating? No, Laser.

Laser from American Gladiators is usually there. Oh. With those Q-tips with the foam ends. You know what I'm talking? The giant Q-tip with the foam. And he's like selling selling vintage beer signs too? No, just kicking the shit out of people. Just really kicking the shit out of people.

He's not there as a vendor. He's just testing people's metal. My understanding is he's not even there in a professional capacity. He's not being paid by the venue for a personal appearance or something. He pays his two bucks to get in like everybody else. Yeah, and the guy just does not have a lot of chances to kick the shit out of people but he's found that flea market folk as we like to call ourselves are willing to tolerate it more than

most like he'll go down to the glendale galleria and immediately somebody calls the cops right but the flea market therapy they're like well he's you know we're all just we're all just doing our best and it's it's a form of self care to kick the shit out of people with your foam baton hi i'm at the glendale galleria there's a 60 year old muscle man with a giant q-tip he's outside the microsoft store it's like the apple store i don't know why they do it no one ever seems to be in there i just want the new surface and now that i'm on the topic of microsoft products the naming conventions for the xboxes has gotten confusing yeah just do like the playstation add a new number series s thank you glendale police department um i had this discussion

with my wife on saturday night flea markets on sunday mornings i had this discussion with my wife where i wanted to bring my dog Coco to the flea market. She's, Jordan, now 15 years old. Now, did you see an opportunity to make a joke about the flea market and the dog having fleas, or is that like hack shit that you would never do? No, I wouldn't do that. Okay.

It's disrespectful to the dog. It's one of those things that occurred to me, but I'm like, oh, you've probably done every permutation of the dog has fleas and we're going to the flea market. Like, you've probably. No, I wouldn't. I would never do that. Oh, you would just never even try it. It wouldn't cross your mind.

It's so hack. Coco. It's not twisted enough. You've met Coco. She's dignified. Yeah. I honor her dignity. But she's very itchy.

I just assumed it was fleas. It could be eczema, dog eczema. Jordan, that's just because you're wearing her as a crew-collared sweater. If you wore either a collared shirt or got a v-neck Coco, it would be much less of an issue. Or boat neck, maybe. Don't tell me what to do so i asked my wife if i could bring cocoa to the flea market dogs are allowed at this flea market pasadena city college because they have so many fleas she said well it would undercut the prices for the vendors jordan if there were just fleas everywhere because of dogs.

Oh, I didn't realize you go to buy fleas. I thought this was something else. What do you think is going on at the flea market? Well, I mean, I was thinking like, okay, there's two kinds. You know, there's something where you could just buy a peg pack, you know, tube socks for two bucks and an off-brand GI Joe. Right. And then you're probably looking at people selling vintage stuff, couplings, signs, chest of drawers.

So the first one is a swap meet that you're describing. A flea market is where you go to buy fleas. Okay. The first one that you described is a swap meet. The where you go to buy fleas okay the first one that you described is a swap meet the second one is the glendale galleria gotcha okay i i mean i go there but i just go to the microsoft store and get out god i don't even look i don't even look at the other stores like oh can i get an ergonomic keyboard please right so So I asked my wife. Are you still selling connects? I need to connect.

Do you sell connects? Do you sell connects? The building toy. Yeah. Oh, there's connects. Okay. Anyway.

Yeah. So I asked my wife, no, we only sell Lincoln logs. Sorry. Duplo only. I asked my wife if I could bring the dog, and she's 15 years old, the dog. Not your wife.

No. I asked if I could bring my dog to the flea market. My wife was a little circumspect because my dog is very old. She has an enlarged heart. She's deaf as a stone. And she has some vision issues ulcerations right but i wanted to bring the dog because i like looking at her because she's funny she looks like a funny like a scruffy little bear or something yeah um just she looks funny and i like to pet her yeah so that's why that

was my thinking around bringing her as i she i like looking at her and petting her and then i said well what if i just only but my wife was concerned about the heart condition and stuff i said well i'll carry her in the cart i bring a cart to the flea market and i said well i'll just put her bed in the cart and she'll just ride around in the cart like a little fucking princess. And my wife was on board for that. 100%. Yeah, she can ride in the little fucking cart.

Sounds fun. Sounds fun. She can ride in the little fucking cart. So I put her in the cart. You know, it's one of these folding deals. It's a great, great, great tool. Keep it in the back of the station wagon i put her in the cart with her little bed i haven't been walking more than 10

seconds when she jumps out now she has bad hips jordan right from when she tore her meniscus and i don't want her jumping out of this fucking thing. Not from like when she ran track in high school? Well, she had a brief career as an Olympic speed skater. But this is a kitchen injury. And I put her back in there. I'm like, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. She shouldn't be jumping out of the cart. It's bad for her hips. And walk a little further. Because what she does, Jordan, she jumps right out of the cart it's bad for her hips and walk a little further because what

she does jordan she jumps right out of the fucking cart again oh my gosh now at this point i'm concerned because i'm going to be at the flea market two three hours i don't want the dog jumping out of the cart over and over you know what i mean i gotta make money so i can buy maple candies for my children sorry Sorry. I started thinking of the Donald Hall book, The Ox Cart Man, the children's picture book, The Ox Cart Man. I'm not buying maple candies. I'm buying vintage and antique goods. So I'm walking around with the dog and she keeps jumping out and I can't contain her jumping out. But every time she jumps out, I can't contain her jumping out,

but every time she jumps out, I'm concerned because of her, because of her limbs. Do you think it's a, is she, is she doing it out of fear or out of fun? Is it like time? No, she's uncomfortable.

She doesn't, she doesn't like being in a moving vehicle. I think is what's going on. She doesn't understand. And she's worried about where I am. Cause she doesn't see that well anymore and she can't hear me. Sure. So he keeps jumping out and I let her walk for a little while, but then I got concerned about her heart condition.

Anyway, long story short, for about two hours, I carried her around like a football, sort of like the Heisman Trophy. I carried her under my hip with one arm extended. In case laser tries to sack you. Yeah. My biceps are just profoundly sore from carrying this 20-pound dog around. Did it impede shopping? Could you do the shopping that you wanted to, or was there stuff you're like, well, I can't carry this out to the car because I got this dog? The biggest problem was every time I'd get to a vendor, I'd take a look at what they were selling.

I think, I got an armful of fleas already. Sure. There you go. See, it's fun. Yeah, it is pretty. Flea market, dogs have fleas. Try and work it into your routine. Okay.

The thing about the little doggies and- You can have it for free. You don't have to give me shit. Okay. Can I give you a little shit though? No, just let me- Okay, now you can't have it for free You don't have to give me shit Can I give you a little shit though? No just let me Okay now you can't have it I'm taking it back

Dogs of the flea market humor is mine And if you use it I will sue your ass Our guest on the program Is the host of Allison Rosen is your new best friend And The brand new podcast from Upworthy. They've expanded from being in your Facebook feed in 2012-ish, 2014,

into podcasting with our friend Alison Rosen. Hi, Alison. How are you? Hello. Thank you for having me. They're also in your Instagram feed. It's like circa 2021. They have 2 million Instagram followers, I think. You know what though? I'm here to push myself as co-host of their podcast. They can push themselves as a brand on their own. But yeah. This is about your career you know what they handle their side of the street i'll sweep my side of the street and it'll all work out the classic analogy

classic we're all just sweeping our own streets hey i don't stick my broom in your parkway you wouldn't know you wouldn't you wouldn't hose down my gutters no i don't rake jesse's leaves this all sounds like euphemisms for like genital grooming yes i did when i said i don't stick my broom in your parkway i definitely felt oh yeah sure that's yeah you can go a couple ways with that guys i just i just got back from the flea market oh i, I got to rake my leaves. Yes. A tiny, tiny little fine-toothed rake is what you need. Because you have dick parasites?

Fleas, I guess. Yes, Jordan. Duh. Listen, this show has been coming at me fast and furious, so I have a lot of questions. Well, Allisonison at its core the show's about family right okay r.i.p paul walker jordan made a lot of very funny and witty and urbane flea jokes thank you jesse you said you would never deign to make a flea joke, but then you made a very funny one. Now, is that where you were headed all along or were you,

was that off of Jordan's flea setups? All I really had was that one little thing about how today I carried around my dog like a football, but I don't have anything else. Well, right. Okay. So then when you said that it would, it would undercut the vendor's prices, that was just off the cuff. How do you do it? Thank you, Allison. Flattery will get you everywhere. You know what? Tomorrow, why don't I sweep your sidewalk? Oh my God. I was just going to handle sweeping my side of the street, but if you insist. And then also, my dog has an enlarged heart, but I've never taken her to any sort of mart. Wendy. But it sounds like it's not as bad as Coco's, perhaps.

Wendy's an older gal, right? Your lovely dog, Wendy. Thank you. She just turned seven and a half. Oh. That's medium dog right uh i think of it as medium but i did read somewhere that she's probably in like a vet insurance uh handbook which we never got and we should have gotten um i think that she is considered a senior dog oh okay she's a young senior she's like she's like playing shuffleboard in coral cover colored pants or

something she's a real milf she's oh my god yeah i look at her and i'm like i want to break me off a piece of that sure because i'm in i guess that's what i'm into yeah the meniscus maybe oh and then i had a question about that i mean i'm just a curious gal. But she tore the meniscus, which is her or hurt her meniscus, which is her knee. How did that affect the hips? Well, OK, first of all, thanks, Allison. Of course, our listeners know you best as New York's funniest reporter. Thank you. 2008 or something.

Oh, my God. Was it 2008? It might've been 2008. Yeah, I've been dining out on that for a long time. New York's funniest reporter, Alison Rosen. Thanks for the trenchant questions. Of course, when you're a dog and you damage your meniscus, you may compensate for that pain by altering your gait. When you alter your gait, it can cause damage in other parts of your joints.

Got it. Dogs are designed to die of toothlessness at age three or whatever. We're really in defiance of God's will. Most dogs are eaten by their mothers. I guess we are unnaturally prolonging their lives. Because Wendy, young senior Wendy, it does take heart meds, which is supposed to buy her like a year and a half more or something. Yeah. You put them in like peanut butter or something?

We put them in pill pockets. For the longest time, we did use peanut butter and we had to hid them in all this stuff. But they make a product that's like a dog treat. And you just, you probably, do you ever use it for Bug? You just stuff the treat right in there. I know about those yeah shove it right on in yeah uh bug knock on wood has not had a ton of health issues um yeah she will eat the thing around the pill and leave the pill in the oh she eats around it uh in the bowl she's a smarty clever yeah and she has a death wish would you say jordan that her top uh health problem is a rude dude well i think i think with bug is that she just like she wants to do her own research

you know like she doesn't want to just like take something because like the government or the fda says like hey you should take like she's like i'm gonna do my own research she knows a lot of good youtube channels um someone snuck a red pill in her pill pocket right yes a red pill she was red pill pocketed and uh yeah and yeah and she just calls me uh she just calls me a oh gosh Yeah, and she just calls me a, oh gosh. Cuck? I was going for, what's the thing about Chad's and Stacy's?

Let's not dig too far into alt-right lingo. Okay, let's not, but Chad's do have a perfect jaw structure, I think. They do, yes, exactly. Chad is like the Uber man, right? I think so, yeah. And who's Stacy? Oof, boy, I'm sorry. They're like the, Chad is like the Uber man, right? I think so, yeah. And who's Stacey? Oof, boy, I'm sorry. I should not have opened this.

I don't know enough about it. She's probably the female counterpart. Yeah, yeah, I think so. I think it's maybe like a derogatory way to like refer to a woman, I would guess. Allison, what do you get up to on the Upworthy podcast? Well, we talk about, and thank you for asking, we talk about the most popular engaging stories that ran the week before. So we have talked about all sorts of stuff. Most recently, we talked about a dog who got to live out her perfect last day, which was a story that was both heartwarming. And one of the Twitter responses to the story was, is it possible to be so sad you die? Because it was so sad.

Oh, boy. Like Upworthy says it's the best of humanity. And it's like supposed to be sort of I wouldn't say exactly feel good stories, but but heartwarming, positive stories. But this was about a dog that was going to be put down on the following Monday. So they wanted to give it its perfect last day. And to me, that's just sad, but it's also very sweet because the dog left a play in snow. So they put together a snow pile and blah, blah, blah. That we talked about a woman who went viral because she was moving in with her boy.

She was going to move in with her boyfriend. And then she found out that his mom does all of his chores, and he doesn't know how to do anything. So she wanted to know, is it wrong that I don't want to move in with him? Because he certainly did not take to it kindly. We talk about that. We talk about Pete Davidson. We had a big debate about Christmas music.

How do you guys feel about the Mariah Carey song? I don't love it. Oh, yeah. I mean, cold take. It's one of those things where I'm like, yeah, I like the Mariah Carey song. I watch Succession. Yeah, I don't know.

I'm just a fucking, I don't know. Yes, I have nothing interesting to add. I like the song. I watch Succession. Cool people. It's not just Chad's and Stacey's that watch Succession. Yeah.

But I personally. No, but you have a hot take is that the mariah carey song is bad this is good this is great i wish i i could you know i i i just i wish i could dislike it but it's just it's just a part of me i wish i could like it i wish i could i came out so strongly against that song and my co-host todd perry dislikes christmas music but likes that song which to me is like that's top to bottom all wrong right so recently I just and so many people who listened to the episode pushed back including you know Bean Kevin and Bean yeah he was like Allison you're wrong it's a great song I'm like okay so I gave it another go and I still don't like it. Is there something about it that annoys you or are you just like, this is like every Christmas

song? Or is there like a tone or a lyric or something that gets you? Okay. I'm not high, but if I were, this is the kind of thing I would say. This is going to sound, just go on the journey of this statement with me. I do hate it because it's like every Christmas song, but I don't mean it sounds like every Christmas song. I mean, I only ever hear it. So it is every Christmas song. It's taken over. I like this song. I think it's a good song. I will say that this song is, what, maybe 25 years old at this point? Yeah. It's been around the block a few times. I don't think I realized it was a song or a hit song until eight years ago because it is so indistinguishable from every other Christmas song.

so indistinguishable from every other christmas song i somehow missed when it came out i don't remember when it came out and it just blended into a continuous stream of christmas music because of its level of genericism that i because it is such a pastiche specifically of like the Phil Spector Christmas album, I just never noticed that it was its own distinct song. It just sounds like the vague idea of a Christmas song. But that said, I do like the song. Yeah. I had a Christmas music experience a couple nights ago. I had a Christmas music experience a couple nights ago. I went to a new bar that I heard was a very cool bar in a cool part of town. I was excited to do this.

And they let you in? Yeah. I stole a guy's ID. I beat up a blue bottle barista. I stole his ID. I haven't been to this barista. I stole his ID. I haven't been to this bar, but I've seen pictures of it. It's like a giant warehouse, right? There's multiple levels.

It's kind of like pounding dance music. Everybody's wearing black leather. Most of them are vampires. I was just going to say, it sounds just like True Blood. And then around uh then around you know midnight the blood sprinklers turn on and then blade comes in and kills everyone oh it's the coolest oh it's so cool this place oh yeah i've heard it's a really cool place so i i was like excited to check this place out i'd been hearing about it i you know i feel like

i i you know i i i i've talked about this on the show. I've moved to Pasadena recently. It's a lovely place. There's nothing cool, which I don't miss that much. It's not a cool place. Not a cool place. It's a lovely place. It's a nice place. It has its own vibe.

Yeah. Got pretty houses. Beautiful. Beautiful. Yes. Pine Burger. Very few Pasadena complaints. But I was like, I haven't been someplace cool.

I'd like to go someplace cool. I'd like to, you know, hobnob with the coolsters. Which is what a cool person would say. That is exactly how we speak. So I was like, I'm going to go to this place I've been hearing about in this cool part of town. And when you say town, you're talking about Pasadena? No, no. This is another part of town. He was leaving Pasadena. I was about Pasadena? No, no, this is another part of town. He was leaving Pasadena.

I was leaving Pasadena. He was emigrating. This is the idea. I'm getting out of this neighborhood to go to someplace where something cool could exist. The coolsters get together. I was trying to think of what the coolest part of Pasadena was, and all I could come up with was that area

where there's the cheesecake factory and the aval store oh that's a cursed cheesecake factory cars keep running into it and one time there was a big fire it's a so that's kind of neat that is pretty cool that is kind of cool wow there's a bj's brew house that's in a beautiful old bank um this is it basically yeah got it wait is that bj's brew house near the ice house it is yeah i think so yeah i've seen that cool pizzeria it is beautiful it is beautiful inside it is it's the most like stunning chain restaurant you've ever been inside uh so i drive to this other non-pasadena part town to this cool bar i go into this place sure enough this place is fucking cool there's like you know there's all these black leather everybody's side of their head is shaved

but then on top of the head they have dreadlocks there's a hacking contest going on with everyone is hacking on rollerblades everybody there is every gender and ethnicity of terrence trent darby yep oh wait are there you know those um it's like uh it looks like a it's a wire leash with just a circle but like you're it's like a ghost dog everybody's walking a ghost dog that you get while you're waiting for a parade yeah people are offering each other trick gum yeah allison have you been to this place you've been here i'm gonna i'm okay you found me out i have there's so many beanies with a propeller on top right and yeah everybody's got a giant lollipop you know fucking cool

fucking hipsters right grown-ups and didies yeah sure everybody's got band-aids on their knees because they skinned them yeah cool yes so like yeah this place is great there's like balls go ahead jordan yeah great lighting photo booth they've got these like big red like booths like these like leather booths that you can sit in and have a drink uh they got a little outdoor space bands are playing this is this place is i'm like yeah ads advertised this is very cool. Some bands are playing? How many? Good question. I didn't know. It just seems like a place where like there's going to be.

Bands would play. Oh, yeah. My friend's band is going to play here. Got it. His friend is Tia Carrera. Yeah. And then it's like a woman with a cello and a guy with a laptop. And that's the band.

Oh, OK. Got it. And they only put out cassettes. Yeah. Right. Do they serve like French munchies? Oh, I didn't. Well, here's the thing.

I didn't. Like onion soup? Yeah. No French. I didn't. It's a really cool bar. They have free baguettes. Right.

Yeah. Well, cello player and laptop to me feels like a brasserie. Yeah. That's a brasserie vibe. So there's a DJ at this place, obviously. so there's like there's a dj at this place obviously and you know it's kind of decked out for christmas but the the christmas music that this dj is playing is the only way i could describe it is like like like you know when they make fun of like elevator music from the 80s it was like it was like hold on jordan i think my phone's ringing no yeah. Yeah, it was. This was the soundtrack. And I could.

It sucked so bad. It was so fucking annoying. And I could. I was clocking the guy playing these records. And he was just doing one after the other. It was like that. And then it would just be like, yeah. What instrument?

Was it like Mannheim steamroller kind of thing? Yeah. What is happening? It was just like beeps and boops. It was like an Atari. Like an Atari had composed these. Like a MIDI thing that would load on an old website? Yes.

Yeah. It's kind of like that, but less complex. It was not multiple instruments it was just this one thing that can make tones it sounds awful were these is it possible two questions jordan number one is it possible these were two questions in one all you can answer them together number one is it possible these were chiptunes and number two is it possible that this wasn't a bar, it was Tumblr? Oh, yeah. Number three, what's a chiptune?

I feel like I should know. It's like 8-bit video game style music. Okay. This did not seem to me like it was composed by a modern hipster musician that does music for Kickstarter video games games this is not that here's what i think was going on i think this guy found these like old records at a garage sale and is so proud of how hilarious and weird they are that he hijacked this DJ night to play these like kitschy but very alienating records for other people who are like whoa check out this like it didn't sound like it was like you know this is

not in the style of like girl talk or something like this was just like maybe they maybe this was just music that they played in an elevator in the 70s. And this guy found the record that played their Christmas music. But I seem to be the only one in there who wasn't fucking loving this shit. Oh, it had an audience. And I like I had to leave. I was so annoyed by it. But maybe this is why I'm not a part of cool society anymore.

I was going to say, I think maybe, maybe you don't have what it takes. Yeah. I can't sit there through alienating eighties, atonal music anyway. So I'll see you guys at BJ's brew house where they'll be playing the Mariah Carey song on loop. And me and my fucking dumb friends are going to talk about succession.

Anyway, do you have a favorite type of Christmas music, Jordan? Oh, yeah. I mean, I have the coldest of takes about Christmas music. You know, Mariah Carey, the like, Ronettes,

girl group, Phil Spector's Very Special Christmas. That stuff's all great. Yeah. I don't think I have anything interesting to say about christmas music you know white christmas huh come on right uh yeah i don't have anything interesting to say about christmas music other than i i didn't like that stuff that that he was playing so um are you and i know this is hyper local but you going to tell us what part of town this super hip bar was in? Because I'm dying to know. Oh, Highland Park. Of course. Yeah. Are you not going to go back?

I would maybe go back. Yeah. I mean, I liked the place so much other than the bad music. So I want to give it another chance. I think it was. Yeah, maybe I'll just try and remember what night I went and then skip this night because maybe that's this dude's DJ night where he just plays weirdo stuff that he, you know, bought when he bid on a storage unit or something like that. Jordan, can I ask you a serious question here? Sure. Not a joke question. Yeah. You said it's in Highland Park?

Yeah. Are you just talking about when you came over for dinner the other night? Yeah, man. I'm sorry. I just... And again, there's probably a more mature way to tell you. I thought you were enjoying it. No, and that's why...

Terrence Trandarmy told me that he liked it. And that's why I left after five minutes. That's why Iish goodbyed and i'm sorry oh jeez well i'm sorry it's okay how about just you know allison yes do you like like uh like sometimes someone will ask me like what are the great hip-hop christmas songs and the answer to that question is the first Outkast single was a Christmas song, Player's Ball. It doesn't have that much to do with Christmas. It was from a Christmas compilation and it has a lot of sleigh bells on it. The Christmas mix does.

Besides that, nothing. You're down to Christmas in Hollis, which is a B minus novelty record, basically. But there are people who want to listen to Christmas music in their genre and will just listen to the Offsprings Christmas album or whatever. Bean probably listens to the Offspring. He's probably a great guy he he seems to be a great guy i mean he had millipedes as pets when he was a kid i it was around the time i don't know if if i had if i had the classic quality of all great guys i don't know i don't know if that i have any opinion on a guy who keeps millipede suspense i doesn't you know that doesn't betray any qualities to me the late congressman john lewis kept jerusalem crickets when he was a kid uh basically all great guys keep terrifying a great man yes, yes. Monster bugs.

Yeah. The greater the man, the more terrifying the pet. There was a period of time where I kept finding millipedes in my bathroom, and it was driving me insane, and it was really bothering me. And I called an exterminator, and I expected them to be like, oh, yeah, it's millipede season in Burbank or something. And they're like, oh, that's weird. That's a first. And I thought, why is this happening? So anyway, I was talking about it on the show,

the top of the show with Tony. And I said the exterminators were supposed to come out and like spray or do whatever they do. And then when we introduced Bean, when he came into the show, he shared that he had millipedes as pets when he was a kid. And why did I have to bring in an exterminator? Like they're gentle, harmless. Then they are. They're just like little wormy things. You're killing free pets.

Why would you kill a free pet? From a humanitarian and a financial standpoint, it's questionable. So after after that i began to feel really guilty so i would just pick them up and carry them outside and then it turned out they were all coming from a plant and i just moved the plant outside and now the problem is gone but to me that does show that he's a better person than i am yeah because he named his millipedes whereas i just wanted them gone. Yeah. I was walking with this friend and we were walking by a vacant lot. And she's like, see that?

That's the free cat store. Let's take a break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Jordan, Jesse, go. We're very grateful for your membership. Every single person who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join over these many years, Jordan. We're very grateful to all of you. We're also grateful this week to our supporters at Magic Spoon. I just got some spoon in the mail.

Oh man, I got me some spoonies too. I love them. You know how I feel. PB Spoon is my favorite. Jesse, I'm gonna snack on some spoonies too. I love them. You know how I feel. PB spoon is my favorite. Jesse, I'm going to snack on some spoonies after we wrap up the cast today. I'm going to get me a handful. I'm going to nom them on the couch. And if one falls on the floor, I'm going to eat it.

Because you know what? Five second rule, asshole. Yeah, you fucking asshole. Why are you trying to call Jordan on it? Listen, I'm just eating my spoonies off the floor. you trying to call jordan on it listen i'm just eating my spoonies off the floor just trying just trying to nom his spooners uh if you don't know by the way magic spoon is a uh a breakfast or anytime cereal with zero grams of sugar 140 calories 13 to 14 grams of protein and only four net grams of carbs in each serving.

It's like a fun kid, a sweetie cereal, but with a much more healthier stuff in it. I don't know how they make this without grain, but somehow they do. Hard to say. Hard to say. We're not, listen, we're not cereal scientists. We're cereal consumers. And Magic Spoon is great. They got these awesome flavors.

Cocoa, fruity, frosted, peanut butter, blueberry, cinnamon, cookies and cream, and maple waffle. And yeah, maple waffle and cookies and cream, those were limited flavors that Magic Spoon made permanent because the fans were so passionate. I've had them. They're delicious.

As are all the Magic Spoon flavors. This stuff is really great, and you can get it at magicspoon.com slash jjgo. Go to magicspoon.com slash jjgo to grab a custom bundle of cereal and try it today. And be sure to use our promo code jjgo at checkout to save $5 off your order. And Magic Spoon is so confident in their product, it's back with 100% happiness guarantee. So if you don't like it for any reason, they'll refund your money, no questions asked.

That's magicspoon.com slash JJGO and use the code JJGO to save $5 off. Thank you, Magic Spoon, for sponsoring this episode. Five-second rule, you assholes. We're also sponsored this week by Made In. If quality and craftsmanship is important to you, and I suspect that it is, you should check out Made In.

Made In is a cookware and kitchenware brand that works with renowned chefs and artisans to produce some of the world's best pots, pans, knives, and wine glasses. Jesse, this made-in stuff is great. I made me a scramble in my made-in pan today, and not only did it come out great, it cleaned easy. Made-in, these are some great pieces of cookware. What are you scrambling in there? Maybe some diced bell peppers? You know it's a diced bell pepper. Oh, yeah.

You got that right. You got that right. What do you got? A little bit of breakfast sausage? Oh, what did I do? No, I had no meat in this one. Did some diced onions. Throw some green onions in there sometimes if I got them.

Oh, yeah. A little cheese. Shallots if you want a gentler flavor. That's true. That's also a great option. A little bit of sweetness. That's also a great option. Listen, there's a lot of...

Listen, we're not here to talk scrambles. I am. Well, Jesse's going to talk about scrambles. My notes here say talk scrambles. Ask scramble follow-ups. No, it's not. Listen, this is not scram chat. This is made-in talk.

Okay. Here's what they do. If you want to get one of these great pans that you can use to make a scramble in, you're going to want to do it because they source the finest materials and partner with renowned craftsmen to produce premium kitchen tools available directly to you without the markup. Now, Jordan, I have one of these carbon steel made-in pans. This is incredible because it's nonstick, but it's also lightweight. You know, cast iron is a great stuff, but it's very heavy, hard to maneuver if you're making a scramble. And it's nonstick.

This is great stuff. Before I had that, when I would try and make a scramble, it would be a disaster because you need a pan to hold the scramble. Yes. Otherwise, it just goes straight into the fire. So it hurts you when you try and eat it. Yeah. Ouch. It's a big problem for me.

Right now, Made In is offering our listeners 15% off your first order with promo code JJGO. This is the best discount available anywhere online for made-in products. Go to madeincookware.com slash JJGO. Use promo code JJGO for 15% off your first order. That's madeincookware.com slash JJGO and use promo code JJGO. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse go. Ow. That's me eating a scramble before I got a maiden pan. It's Jordan, Jesse go. love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you break, you casually mentioned to us that you wanted to talk about something silly. I think it'll be nice to get away from the gravity of the program so far.

Yeah, I thought it would lighten the mood. By saying thank you for having me back, because I assume you're aware of it, but I don't know how aware you are. There was some controversy after my last appearance. Do you know what I'm referring to? Oh, cancel culture? That's my first thought. Yeah. I did almost get canceled. I did. When I took the stage, I thought, I can't do my act anymore. I'm afraid to even open my mouth. They're going to come for me. Right, because you had to stop doing colleges, right? Because all the- Yes. Oh, my God. Snow snowflakes just want to save space it's unreal it's unreal what's gonna happen to comedy no um so jordan excuse me why do i keep it's because i'm i'm sorry jesse

i just called you jordan and this is now the second time i've done that and i don't know why it's it's because you've done it a number of times in the past as well don't worry really it's fine other people people in my personal life do it to me my wife calls me jordan in bed yeah oh well i mean that might be just what that's so weird so anyway jesse you were talking about the big amish hats and you didn't know the name of them. So I did. And look, I'm not saying I'm some kind of hero. I did what anyone would do in that situation. And I quickly Googled and I found that they're called something wonderful.

They're called scribblers. And I shared the bounty of this knowledge on the show. Again, I just did what anyone would do. Yeah, certainly what our producer, Brian, should have done. That's right. I wasn't going to say it. But Brian, be glad that you didn't do that

because the fallout, my God. So I came on the show, mentioned the name was Scribbler, left the show, felt like it was fine. It aired, yada, yada, yada. And then suddenly Dan from the Flophouse is gunning for me saying, do you remember he called me out?

I can't remember. Oh, shit posted McCoy. Oh my God. Oh my God. I don't know what's going on in his life that made him feel the need to project that onto me. It's probably that he recently became happily married. That's probably why he's targeting people, taking people down.

I know that we're being facetious, but don't you remember, Jesse, like many moons ago, we were talking, I think you were a guest on my show years ago, and I was saying that I discovered this weird thing, which is some of the worst comments that have been left for me. When I like click on the profile of the person who left it, I discovered that they have an infant at home. And it always struck me as surprise as a weird juxtaposition that this person is just spewing bile. And then they have this like precious little baby at home. And we were talking about why that might be. So maybe that's what's going on with Dan and his hatred of facts and of me. But anyway, he said that he made just a bold accusation. He accused me of like misreading

something. And then he even excused me in the tweet. Like she just, you know, as one could do, must have misread it. And so then i went and checked my sources and posted something that did say their names were scribblers and he and i have been mortal enemies ever since so was so what what does he allege and he's not here so you know um we're speaking for him in this situation what so his his complaint was that you got the name of the hat wrong? Yeah, because I think there's some kind of Amish news hat source called, I'm making this up, but it's something like Scribblers Gazette or Scribblers Bee or something. It seems like whatever this is should not have a website, right? Like of all the groups to get something wrong about online

you'd think you're pretty safe about making an amish error how are they gonna hear it yeah but so i think there is some kind of oh maybe there's a site called the scribbler so he thought that i had misinterpreted that as the name of the hat and and, you know, he was persuasive for a second. I was like, oh, no, is that what I did? But then I looked on, it's called like Amish Furniture Outlet. Again, this is all via Google, but like, I swear it's like Amish Furniture Outlet or something. And then there's a chunk of text and in it, it says, you know, these hats referred to as scribblers. So then I posted that and he backed off and he felt bad. But I don't know if he feels bad enough.

Did he? Yeah. Feel worse. Wait, if the controversy is Dan McCoy doesn't feel bad enough about himself, there is no controversy. That is a non-controversy i can assure you that at any given time dan has a running critique inside himself that has really done everything you've done with this scribbler situation and far far more so he tweeted something to that effect because

i was like you know i think someone else came for me jokingly and I was like I'm sorry I can't have a beef with you right now I'm I'm in the midst of beefing with Dan and didn't use the word beef or beefing and I'm happy about that but um you said queef sure I'm sorry I'm having an online queef and then he said he made a reference to his self-denigration or flagellation or just, I don't know, feeling mortified all the time. And I thought, I'm not going to let you dodge this one, Dan. But really, what goes on? What kind of Dan on Dan crime is it? And I guess here's the thing about that that struck me is that like, even if the name of an Amish hat is not a scribbler, it's such a good detail.

You should want to believe that it's true. Yeah. Of course, that's what an Amish hat is called a scribbler. That's like the best name for it. You should just want that to be true and run with it. Yeah, I agree. Where's his sense of whimsy? I mean, I guess he heard it and he thought that sounds like grade A bullshit. And so then he Googled it himself. And I don't know, you know, if the Knight were younger, I would say, let's get him

on the line and find out what was the whole process before he decided to just take a wild swing at me? I have bad news for you. I would love, I would absolutely love to get him on the line, but I texted him earlier and tonight he's having dinner with Chris Weitz, the director of About a Boy. So it's right here on my texts. He's got the receipts. He's got the receipts. Wait just one hot second. Okay.

Did you text him to see if he could be your guest? Yeah, before we texted you. Okay. I deserved that, I guess. Yeah. Didn't think you'd be so honest. I mean, you brought that upon yourself. Well, you're not having dinner with the director of About a Boy,

so it's sort of on you. No, I'm not saying how did we end up in this situation where I have to be a guest on this show? Unlike your friend, your name dropping friend, I wanted to be on this show. He directed one of the Twilight movies as well, Allison. Yeah. I said, you know what? I was supposed to have dinner with a famous director right now whose name escapes me, but I'm going to cancel so that I can be on this show. That's what a real friend does.

You're supposed to go down in Jim Cameron's submarine. That's right. Food just tastes better down there. Yeah, I know. When you're in the trench. The baguette takes better in the trench.

That's what my mom always said. There was the gas leak in our house. Is the trench the bar you went to? Yeah, I was in the trench, eating baguettes at the trench, and this guy was just playing his fucking weird alienating Christmas music. Anyway. So, Allison, to drift slightly toward the subject of movies Okay We're having an ongoing segment where people are calling in and telling us

The inappropriate media that they ingested as young people Oh, I have a good one Do you have one? Yes, I do Would you like to hear it now? Oh, yeah, Let's hear it. Okay. Please.

I don't know how old I was. We're actually just, Allison, we're just checking with our guests to see whether they have one or not, and then we move on. I don't know why I thought maybe we'd swing around to me last or something, but I'm happy to go first, because you know why? I'm not having dinner with a director right now. I'm here. Thank you. you're welcome with the people with that's right not in some ivory tower that's right no

i'm down the streets with yeah jordan and jesse this is the gutter with the scum that's right um i oh oh i have two okay so I remember going to see About Last Night. Do you remember that movie with Demi Moore and Rob Lowe and Elizabeth Perkins? I don't. It doesn't ring a bell for me. I'm imagining this, this was maybe, maybe an early nineties thing that was perhaps a bit erotic. I want to say it was late 80s.

Okay. I was pretty young. It was my mom, my sister, me. We walked into the movie and a woman whispered to my mom, like, just so you know, this is pretty, I don't know if she said raunchy or she was trying to like warn my mom, you might not want to be here with your little kids.

And then my mom was like, oh, it's okay. And then we sat through the movie and I don't remember much about it I just know that later when I was older I watched it again and I thought I actually can't believe she took us to see that movie I mean there's references to it

there's a lot of bone in discussion of a wet spot but also when I was a kid we were in Las Vegas and we saw Joan Rivers. I want to say she opened for the Smothers Brothers, although that's a weird pairing. But I know that afterwards I kept asking my mom, mom, what does orgasm mean? And she kept not answering me. And we got in an elevator and finally I was so frustrated. I like mom what does orgasm mean full elevator full elevator and she still didn't answer and the thing is i can't remember how she

didn't i think she was like i'll tell you later but then she never told me i still don't know what it means wow yeah i mean i'm first my first time hearing this i'm like oh is that is that did you is this a show in Spanish? Yeah. I assumed it was a bar in Highland Park. The orgasm. And no one can find it. So that joke didn't work.

But oh, no, I know that I didn't. It was good. It was good. We missed it. That's on us. That was good. I don't think so. Because if if we had made a reference to the G spot and then I said no one can fight it, that would work.

Yeah, I guess. Sure. This was just. Not to like, yeah, to pick apart this. That makes it more funny, right? So anyway, yes, I yelled what's an orgasm. So that was some inappropriate media I had consumed as well. Brian, do we have somebody who called in to tell us theirs?

Brian, do we have somebody who called in to tell us theirs? Hey, JJ. Calling with an inappropriate media experience from outside of a castle in Ireland. I was walking and heard the Gaber's episode and decided I had to call. Maybe like 10 years ago, I worked in Hollywood, and I used to frequent a place called Snack Bar, which was a fancy hamburger restaurant sort of before Umami Burger and stuff on Cahuenga Boulevard. And one day I was outside eating and grabbing a drink and they were playing a movie, which started as just a black and white video of a woman shaving her, I don't know, we'll say bush for five to ten minutes, and then it slowly panned up to her face where she was looking in the mirror and just slowly

shaving her head. Then the movie, after maybe 20 minutes or so, ended. The woman who was in the video came out and handed everyone a 30-page booklet explaining each shot of the movie and why she made it. At the time, I just kind of thought that was what happens in Los Angeles, and it was super weird and awkward. Anyway, thanks. Bye. Here's where I thought that was going. It would be like, you know, it's a 20-minute shot of a woman shaving her bush. You pan up to her face, and it's the divine Miss Helen Mirren. Good and everything.

And I thought it was going to be like, and she had a tiger face or something. Oh, yeah. Like she wasn't even human or I don't know, something like that. Yeah, I guess that's a category of this as well, is that like I have wandered into an art thing, or I didn't know I was going to an art thing and now i'm at an art thing and uh you know someone is lactating on a flag yeah it's occurring to me were my inappropriate media appropriate to what you guys did did i do it

right no you did it correctly i I think this fellow is branching out to another zone of this. I did also encounter porn in a gazebo when I was in grade school. Wow. And this is the first pornographic images I had ever seen. So I didn't realize that this was like

definitely not your standard unless ladies are doing things with curling irons unplugged in standard porn this was special porn wait wait it was it is it was it like did kids like have a magazine or something is that how you saw porn in the gazebo i'm'm just having trouble picturing it. I assume someone left it. Like, I didn't realize that hedge porn is a term. Like, that's a thing. People leave porn in hedges, I guess. This was like gazebo porn.

Like, I don't know who left it there. I don't know if it was like... This was like communal porn that people left at a... In a gazebo. An agreed upon location. Oh don't i don't know i didn't take it to be that i imagined that it was some probably some older kids had like broken into the and it wasn't hard to break in or anything you just climb over a fence gotten into the playground and maybe left it there and probably thought it was amusing to imagine children stumbling upon this is or or

some other kids had it but i mean the school only went up to eighth grade so i i imagine just some some no good neighborhood children left it there gotcha in the gazebo it is weird to find porn in a gazebo. Usually you would find it in a conservatory. That's right. Yeah. Or some kind of greenhouse. A hot house. Some kind of hot house. Yes.

Yeah, gazebo's a place you go to see a brass band play. I saw my first pornography in an aviary. Oh. How lovely. Surrounded by birds? an aviary. Oh. How lovely. Surrounded by birds? Mm-hmm. Yeah. And that's why you're turned on by the majestic wingspan of the bald eagle to this day.

Oh, God. Yeah. I mean, you show me an albatross, I'll jizz in my pants. It's all about wingspan for me. Sure, yeah. You're a real wingspan queen. Yeah, I know your type. I like to look through porn in a foyer or on some kind of lanai.

Love a lanai. Yeah. Armoire. Have you guys ever found porn in a breezeway? Love it. Yeah, sure. Love it in a breezeway. Or a port cochere.

Oh, God. I'm so hard right now. Or even just a breezeway. Or a port cochere. Oh, God. I'm so hard right now. Or even just a covered driveway. Some porn by the fjord. Some fjord porn. Fjord porn. Sorry, Bjorn Bork. That's what I was trying to say.

Have you ever found porn in a canal? Yeah, that's a great place to find porn. That's actually why there's so many stuffed up cargo ships, though, now. That's why it's bringing supply chain issues. All the canal, too much canal porn. I don't remember what this show is anymore, but when something momentous happens to you, give us a call, 206-9844-FUN,

or just send us a voice memo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. Here's somebody who did that very thing. Hey, this is Dallas from Urbana, Illinois. I just got off the stage from doing the Nutcracker. I was just a party dad, which means I just, you know, get to, like, hang around and pretend to do ballet. But it was awesome. I did it because my son, who's six, is in the show. And it was a lot of fun. And yeah, that's it. I love the show. Love you guys.

That's it. Is that what being a party dad is? Just running up on stage in the middle of the Nutcracker and dancing around? Yeah. When does that happen? First graders doing a Nutcracker, you just get up there and you're just like fuck you i'm a party dad i guess i mean i listen i'm the one here with no children so i think you guys are gonna have to fill me in i mean have you ever run up on stage during one of your kids performances it's an interesting question no but elliot recently was a part of the little train that could. And at the end, like the last song, they did invite all the parents on stage and I did have to go on stage. So I guess I have. I guess I'm a party mom. Wow. Congratulations. This is huge for you. this is huge for you i know um it's funny and i felt very self-conscious even though at this point there was no one left in the audience because it was only parents going to see you know so with all the parents on stage there was just like a few people with cameras in the audience but i did feel self-conscious i'm not i'm not a natural like your color what was elliot's role

in the little train he was a little... So they're all dressed like toys. And he was like a little drummer or nutcracker. I think he had... I'm forgetting. Yeah, I think he was like a little nutcracker. That's cute. And he also has gotten... He's generally an outgoing kid, but he's gotten very shy.

And I realized how shy he had gotten at this performance because you know one kid would stand up and say like and they're all gonna come here with little i'm making this up like with toys and then elliot would be like you need to teach him to enunciate he did not project to the back of the room you gotta speak to the back of the room i know did to speak to the back of the room. I know. Did you think at all about, like, was there maybe an accompanist in the show? Like someone playing piano or something?

You think about running up and kicking him in the nuts? Yeah. Party mom. Party mom would do that. Party mom would kick those nuts. That's right. Are you scared to kick the nuts? I'm a little scared.

It's like a lot of the coolest people around here are kicking scared to kick the nuts i'm a little scared it's like a lot of the coolest people around here are kicking accompanists and the nuts what is this a reference to it's just like a cool thing that party moms and party dads do during performances and i just kind of think you're not cool if you don't do it well i mean he played a nutcracker so as the mom of a nutcracker. Oh, that would be fun. So as the mom of a nutcracker, I should really be cracking some nuts. That's like taking your dog to the flea market. Yes. This is of the exact same quality of joke, which is to say a very good joke. Very high-minded, high-quality joke.

It's sort of like a Dan McCoy tweet. Sure. I don't know if I can meet you there, but, you know, having people send in their own voice memos is really smart because I have a phone number that I have them call. And occasionally I put out like a solicit calls, but the quality is not nearly as good as the voice memo. Smart. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, we're just meeting people where they are.

Nobody likes to talk on the phone anymore. Don't call me on the phone. I love canceling plans. This is what people say these days. Yes. You got to meet them where they are. You can't make them make plans. Right. And you can't make them do a phone call. They hate that. Yeah. I know if they could just text in their momentous occasion. I hate millennials in the workplace. Millennials with their side parts and their skinny jeans thank you it is weird that millennials are now the older ones because i remember now 55 i remember yeah i remember back when to jesse's point it was like these these entitled millennials they just stay in the job for nine months and then blah, blah, blah. Now they're. Yeah, I think it's still like hanging around as slang for like goofy young person. They're not young anymore. When it is, yeah, the like the generation part of it is not.

Right. Not correct anymore. Now it's what are the young, what are the whippersnappers called? Generation Z? Zoomers. Zoomers. You could call them Zoomers maybe. Oh yeah, for Zooming.

Sure. But we're just a set of Zoomers. You could call them Zoomers, maybe. Oh, yeah, for Zooming. Sure. But we're just a set of Zoomers right now with our Zooms. But you know what? I just call them people. Thanks, Jordan. I just call them people. That's beautiful. I just call them my brothers and sisters on this crazy blue marble where we're all just trying to make

a buck. Am I right? Do you ever think how lucky we... I mean, think of all the things that had to trying to make a buck am i right do you ever think how lucky we i mean think of all the things that had to happen to make it so that you could be alive right this moment and we're all sharing this experience dude think about it looking up at the same sky we're made of the same fucking stardust yeah man why, guys. What were you talking about? I was thinking about what a word would be for Wario's cum. Jesse. Do you have one?

Don't spoil our vibe. It's like sauce, probably. Anyway, so yeah, we all took ecstasy during the break. It's starting to hit. Now it turns out I love that Mariah Carey song. Yeah, you just weren't hearing it. No, I wasn't. I wasn't feeling it.

If you have a momentous occasion or some Vicks VapoRub, give us a call 206-9844-FUN or send us an email at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. If you're in the San Francisco Bay Area, we are coming back to San Francisco Sketch Fest. We performed there over 75 times over the years.

220 performances were coming up on Jordan at San Francisco Sketch Fest since 1949, believe it or not. It was the first year we played San Francisco Sketch Fest. We were 12 years old, and we opened for Cab Calloway. The hidey-ho man himself. And here we are, 000 hours 10 000 hours later

we were known as the heidi ho boys at the time with a z we were the first to do that we were the first boys with the z that was our original claim to fame now we're like the longest running comedy podcasters except for oh yeah dude or whatever. But at the time, we were known as being the first to ever use Z for The End of Boys. Anyway, we're coming to SF Sketch Fest Sunday, January 23rd at the Gateway Theater. And if you know our shows at San Francisco Sketch Fest, we pull out all the stops. We've got an organist and he uses all the settings on the organ yeah so i i don't i don't think there will be an organist present uh but but it will it's a ton of fun we love sf sketch fest uh you know we we we've we've done it most years that

it's been around always a treat so here's what you're going to want to do you're going to want to go to sf sketch fest.com you're going to want to make sure you got your vax card. They're checking them at the door. Fully vaxed, baby. Fully vaxed. Only wear the mask inside. You wear the mask. You bring the vax card. You enjoy a hilarious Jordan Jesse Go program. Can I suggest something, Jordan? Yeah. If you got one, wear it. I refer to Bane masks. Oh, yeah. Let's see.

I want to look out and see a crowd full of Banes. I want to look out there. I want to see a bunch of Banes and a few Cousteaus here and there. If you got a Jacques Cousteau set up, wear that. Or get somebody outside pumping that diving bell. You know what I'm talking about? Listen, get the ticks, pump the bell,

wear the bane, break the bat. Yes. The man who broke the bat. RSF Sketch Fest show is going to be a real hoot and a half. I'm so excited to get, I'm so excited to get home

to the Bay Area, eat a shit ton of its-its and burritos, just get there and just talk about former Warriors guard Sharunas Marshalonis for an hour. You know what I mean? While everybody else's eyes glaze over. You know what I'm talking about. I'm just going to talk about Joe's cable car

where Joe grinds his own fresh Chuck D r.i.p joe i don't think he's dead but the restaurant closed anyway maybe don't come to the show but if you want to this is how you turn a bunch of people into a bunch of fucking banes i'll tell you yeah i'm going to turn people into banes just talk about restaurants you liked went Went out of business. Anyway, sfsketchfest.com. It's going to be a treat. We're going to announce some very special guests shortly. So stay tuned to this show and to our social meds.

And yeah, we hope to see everybody there. It's going to be a hoot. A lot of cool people. We could book in San Francisco, Jordan. That's true. Let's get those seals from fisherman's wharf right the famous the famous seals yeah uh we'll be back in just a second on jordan jessica hey there beautiful people i'm trevelle Anderson. And I'm Jared Hill. We are the hosts of Fanti, the show where we have complex and complicated conversations about the gray areas in our lives.

The things that we really, really love sometimes, but also have some problematic feelings about. Yes, we get into it all. You want to know our thoughts about Nicki Minaj and all her foolishness? We got you. You want to know our thoughts about gentrification? all her foolishness? We got you. You want to know our thoughts about gentrification and perhaps some positive? Question mark? Uh-oh. Aspects of gentrification? We get into that, too. Every single Thursday, you can check us out at MaximumFun.org.

Listen, you know you want it, honey, so come on and get it. Period. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Hi, I'm Annabelle Gurrich. And I'm Laura House. And we're the hosts of Tiny Victories. My tiny victory is that I sewed that button back on the day after it broke. We talk about that little thing that you did that's a big deal to you, but nobody else cares.

Did you get that Guggenheim Genius Award? We don't want to hear from you. We want little bitty tiny victories. My tiny victory is a tattoo that I added on to this past weekend. Let's talk about it. My victory is that I'm one year cancer free. But my tiny victory is that I took all of the cushions off the couch, pounded them out, put them back, and it looks so great. So if you're like us and you want to celebrate the tiny achievements of ordinary people,

listen to Tiny Victories. It's on every Monday on Maximum Fun. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Allison Rosen, finder of gazebo porn allison it's been a joy to have you on the program as it always is thank you so much i love talking to you guys you know what next time i'm not gonna text dan mccoy first before we reach out to you. Next time, I'm going to go straight to the Weitz brothers who, you know, have directed a lot of great movies.

They're probably not going to be having dinner with Dan because Dan had already had dinner with them and he lives in New York. You know, he'll be out of town by then. But you know what? Either way, it's always great to talk to you, Allison. That's the moral of the story here. As long as you reach out to me before Dan, then we're good. Okay. If I have moved down on the list, as long as Dan's below me after his assault via Amish hat nomenclature.

His toxic internet behavior. I usually text Jay and Mark Duplass first. That's my first reach out. I'll reach out to the Duplass brothers. Then the Marx brothers. Yeah. Do you want the Duplasses together or is it like you just one text,

sort of like the Sklars, they share an email address? Yeah. So first I'll email the Sklars, then the Duplasses, then the Weitz brothers, then the Marks brothers, then the Smothers brothers. Sure. Then Tina Carruthers. That's all I got on that. The last one only rhymed.

What about Katie and Allison Seagal, who were the twins on that show Double Trouble, rhymed. What about Katie and Alice and Seagal, who were the twins on that show, Double Trouble, and they are also, wait, no. Is that their names? They're also, no, Katie Seagal,

sorry. Katie Seagal was Peg Bundy, right? Yes. Her younger sisters. Oh, they were like acting twins? The Seagal twins. Yes. And they were on a TV show that I'm pretty sure

was called Double Trouble, but it might have been called something entirely different. And I think their characters were named Katie and Allison. That's where that came from. Yeah, we would love to get them. That would be great. That would be huge for us. I don't know if you can land them, but you could try. That would be great.

So much better than John Dickerson. Oh, God. I can't believe we had to put up with that shit. Oh, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I went to a small school in Washington, D.C. I'm John Dickerson. This is how I talk. God damn it.

Go back to 60 Minutes. Jesse, put your perfect impressions to bed. This is no place for your perfect impressions. I'm John Dickerson. Here's my moral integrity. I have journalistic ethics. For those who can't see, Jesse's doing a little hand flapping mouth. I don't have my famous John Dickerson hand puppet that people love to see me perform with.

I don't have it handy, so I just did the motions that I would do to control its mouth. I'm really looking forward to your Vegas show. You moved in. You and the John Dickerson puppet are replacing Jeff Dunham and Peanut, right? That's right. Yeah. Well, it's not just me and the Dickerson puppet. What about this one?

Oh, it's me, Jake Tapper. I've got a lot to say to candidates about things on cnn wow did you not like that one jordan i don't know what do you think rachel maddow i started the voice too early it's me rachel maddow how i talk i also talk about the same as jake tapper that's why people are always mistaking us for each other on the phone wolf blitzer here i got loaded on the way over. Have you had to cut out your Chris Cuomo chunk from your stage show? I did have to cut that. Yeah, Jesse, you lost 45 minutes when they fired him, right? I had to bring back this old chestnut.

Right? It's me, Dan Rather. Shine your shoes. It's me. Is the news in 1989 or so? About? Through the 90s maybe? Into the 21st century?

Don't remember? Hey, Jesse. Actually, Vegas just texted me. They're replacing you with Adele. Sorry, dude. I didn't want to be the one to tell you, but. Actually, Vegas just texted me. They're replacing you with Adele. Sorry, dude. I didn't want to be the one to tell you, but apparently she's just kind of having a moment,

and they need the space. You know what? Jordan, far be it from me to stand in the way of Adele's moment. She's finally getting a moment. Yes. I've had my time in the sun. Yeah. Last 20 years, since Dan Rather 1989, that's 32 years, it's been Jesse's time.

I'm glad to finally give Adele a chance to shine. Oh, I'm getting a little correction text here. It's actually Adele and Peanuts. She just belts out a beautiful tune and then he says something racist allison rosen so much fun to have you on the program allison is the host of allison rosen's your new best friend uh she does she does uh uh She does a parenting podcast With our friend Grapefruit Simmons And now Childish, yeah

Now she's the co-host of the Smash Hit podcast From Upworthy Look, it's about Fun stories like When a dog dies And it got the best day ever The dog had the best day ever Right like when a dog dies. And it got the best day ever. The dog had the best day ever.

Right. Yes. It's lighthearted current events, is what I would say. I ascribed to a Reddit called Zoomies. It's where animals get the Zoomies in it. Oh, yeah. Sure. With extraordinary consistency,

the most popular posts are my dog got the zoomies one last time before it died just like a hundred percent zoomies everyone is like here's my dog playing with snow it crossed the rainbow bridge today right into an open grave that is actually a story we talked about. There's a phenomenon. I know you're trying to end the show. I'll make it real fast. There's a phenomenon called the rally,

which is where someone who is almost gone all of a sudden, like seemingly is healthier and can talk again and can sit up and can walk. And so their loved ones, if they aren't warned about it, might be confused like, oh, are they on the mend? And then they die shortly after. But it's this unexplained phenomenon in people and in animals. So that might be why they're Zooming. One last Zoom.

Final Zoom. That's going to be sweet. Can't wait for my final Zoom. We'll be sure to put it on Reddit. Right. Jordan, if you're going to put me to sleep, you better make a fucking snow pile for me. I don't care if it's August 17th in Death Valley. If you're putting me down, make a snow pile.

Wait, why is this my job? Why do I have to preside over your end of life plan brian's not a fucking veterinarian yeah you're not an animal though come on man this is bullshit why do i have to do everything hi there it's me a horse no you're not you're dan Rather Stop trying to fake it Dan Our show is produced by Brian Sonny D. Fernandez You can contact us

At JJGoatMaximumFun.org Give us a call 206-984-4FUN We're on Twitter at Jordan underscore Morris At Jesse Thorne You can find us on Reddit MaximumFun.reddit.com. Yeah, that's probably enough shit. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go.