Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 718: Ghost Throuple with Dave Schilling

Episode Date: December 27, 2021

Dave Schilling (Galaxy Brains podcast) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of the unreal answer Dan Aykroyd gave when Dave asked about the ghost blowjob scene in Ghostbusters, the inflatable takeover of Christmas yard decor, and how much it would cost to build a monkey cage. Plus, Jesse has a SHORT quiz about the names of places in the English countryside.   Check out Dave's podcast with Jonah Ray Galaxy Brains!

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. How are you doing, buddy? I'm doing pretty good. You know, getting in the holiday spirit. I don't know when this is going to air. Could be after the holidays, could be mid holiday, but, um, you know, I'm getting in the holiday spirit, driving around, wondering when the inflatable like holiday characters

became so overwhelmingly overwhelming. Can I tell you, there is a neighborhood right next to my neighborhood called Montecito Heights here in Los Angeles. And this is one of my favorite neighborhoods in Los Angeles. Look, if you want to find me at a rec center, you're going to find me at the Montecito Heights Rec Center.

Great neighborhood. Just nice kind of middle class neighborhood. You know, nice little houses, little rec center, liquor store. What's the rec center like? Down market, is how I would characterize it. What's in the vending machine? There's only a few streets in this neighborhood, small neighborhood. There's only a few streets in this neighborhood, small neighborhood, and there's one front yard that is by an apparently insane person called Eduardo Mojica, who has a bunch of homemade displays about his CDs, which I think were brought to him by aliens.

And then there is a front yard that is- So what CDs are these? These are CDs of his rock music. He only sells them on Saturdays and Sundays along with his, I believe they're called pigeon vehicles. This is real. I'm not making this up. I kept meaning to bring this up on the show, but I wanted to take notes first. And now here I am going off half cocked.

I believe they're called pigeon vehicles. I believe he only sells them for a few hours on Sunday. It's one of the signs in his front yard that he's hand painted. Another one just says rolling stones. It's like a baked potato at a steakhouse. Yeah. Only get it. Exactly.

Only get it in a certain window. Potato at a steakhouse. Yeah. Only get it. Exactly. Only get it in a certain window. So anyway, there is this one front yard that I walk past with my dog pretty frequently when I'm walking my dog. And this front yard is just a sort of standard size suburban, semi-suburban front yard.

Not big, I would say, but completely consumed by inflatables. So you can't even see the front of the house. Like there are probably in a space that's maybe, you know, these since this year and now it's like it is just every couple blocks there will be a santa minion looming over you i'm sincerely worried about this house that if there's a fire they may not have sufficient egress you know what i mean you know about that problem insufficient egress egress? Sure, yeah. The firemen are just pawing through the wreckage and they find the charred corpses underneath a giant Grinch. Ah, they got tangled up in their own Grinch. Oh, no. Snoopy Santa killed them.

Right. Snoopy Santa. It wasn't the fire. He was smothered by the Shrek. Yeah. The fire was started by Eduardo Mojica. The holiday bafflement that I saw recently was I was at a gas station and the person getting gas next to me got out and I could see in their car and on the dash. It was less of a car, more of a sleigh.

This guy was fat. Yeah. This guy was fat and a the dash. It was less of a car, more of a sleigh. This guy was fat. This guy was fat and a huge beard. And he had a map, and on the map it had an X on every house in the world. Yeah. He had this huge list divided into two categories. It was Santa.

So in this car was, like, on the dash hold up that was fucking santa yeah and he's he's buying cigarettes and lotto tickets it's just buying some snooze yeah it's a kind of tobacco pouch in this car on the dash there were there was like the destroyed foundation of a gingerbread house so like a hurricane had been through yeah kind of it was like like graham crackers and frosting and some gummy bears so i could tell what this was i could tell that this was a gingerbread house at some point or graham cracker house but i didn't need a gingerbread house and this person who i i think was like just a a you know 30s a woman in her 30s and 40s i think what she was doing she just had this gingerbread house in the car and was gradually

snacking on it as she drove yeah that was the explanation to me like some people jordan have life i can explain it to you and some people have life figured out we don't yeah we're fucking wandering around i keep a bag of nuts in my glove box or a you know a fig bar or something i could be driving around and and if i get the if i get the the hung, those midday hungries, I should just start snacking on a ginger house. Sometimes in the morning, I will drive, I will drop off my children at school in Altadena, California and La Cunada, Flint Ridge. And once I drop them off, if I'm going to the office,

it's kind of a long drive and I'll be tired. I'm driving on a shitty freeway. It's a long drive on very shitty freeways in Los Angeles, some of the worst freeways. And, uh, I finally, I end up in a Silver Lake neighborhood in Los Angeles and driving down this shitty road that's full of shitty cars. It sucks. I'll be hating my life. I'll be like, how did I drop my children off at 815 and now it's 945 and I haven't gotten to work.

You know what I'll do? There's a Mexican grocery store on the way. You just pull straight into the parking lot from those little parking lot you pull into from the road. I'll get myself a tiny Coke. Yep. And some cacahuetes. So they don't sell, at this place they don't sell full completed gingerbread houses? No.

You just stick on the dash and snack on as you go you can get a tiny you know it's like a tiny bottle of coke like don draper would drink uh i don't know i mean i'm familiar with tiny bottles of coke i guess i don't think of that as something don draper i mean i haven't re-watched madman in a long time yeah that's like the whole thing on madman is sort of like it's sort of like an elegiac meditation on if a Coke bottle was smaller. I think he was, I mean. It was like an eight ounce, eight and a half ounce kind of thing. Again, I have not watched the show in a while, but I was a fan.

I watched the whole series. I think of him like with a little whiskey, like a whiskey or a highball or old fashioned or something. Jordan, this is before. So like you're probably thinking of when he went to California, he was wearing the like bold colored stuff. This is just in the, in the. In Campbell at Cantor's.

In the elegiac haze of the early 1960s. And then the Coke bottles are smaller. It's like, if you think of like a Coke bottle, you're probably thinking of like a 20-ouncer, but just squish it down, still the same dynamic form, and then double Ds

quaff in it. Okay, so that explains why Mad Men was number one on Vulture's list of top 10 TV shows with the smallest Coke bottles. Fucking great list, by the way. just edged out sopranos yeah should we bring our guest into the program find out what he stops for what he stops for is a snack on the way to work and whether whether he has just sali limon or if he also has chile on his cacahuates.

Our guest on the program, I don't like the chile. It's too much for me. The lemon and salt is enough. Lime and salt. Our guest on the program, one of the co-hosts of the Galaxy Brains podcast, a favorite here on the program,

a man wearing his, on camera on a Sunday evening, wearing his signature Don Johnson look of a salmon colored T-shirt with a sport coat on top of it. Dave Schilling. Hi, Dave. Hey, guys, this is an Hermes blazer that I have. Oh, thank you very much. Wow. Yeah, I just want to throw that out there. It's used. It's a hand-me-down that I bought off the internet, but nonetheless the tag is still on it, so

that means it's real. It's so good to be here, though. And Dave, I really appreciate it, and the folks listening can't see this, but we can see this because we're on Zoom here. I really loved how you came into frame by sliding over the hood of a Corvette. Yeah.

And then doing finger guns as I go, as I careen off the side of the vehicle. Yeah, hey. Hey, guys. I'm fine. I have a few bruises, but I'm okay. So good to be back. I forgot, speaking of things you can't see

because this is a podcast, I forgot, Jordan, that we have the same poster. Yeah, we do have the same poster. I have noticed, I think this is a popular poster. Yeah, it's Farrah Fawcett Majors from Charlie's Angels. Right. And then, of course, next to it is what I learned in college, and it's just a list of beers. Hey, Dave.

Dave and I both live in dorms. Right behind me! Ferrari Testarossa, just like you! Sick, sick. Now, we have the Ed Ruscha print of the Ed Ruscha painting of the La Cienega Norms on fire. Yeah!

Which I love. I love the painting, and I love that Norms. Yeah, I love that Norms. God, I'd. I love the painting, and I love that norms. Yeah, I love that norms. I've had some good times at that norms. God, I'd love going to the diner by myself, drinking coffee. That's what I would do to answer your question,

go back. Yeah, yeah. I'm a professional broadcaster. Tie in the knot here on this conversation, I'll stop at a diner, and I'll have some coffee and maybe some eggs. What about, don't you have to get to work?

No, I'm a writer, man. That's true. I'm a writer and a podcaster. I don't have to be anywhere. What Dave does is he orders the eggs. He just takes a handful of eggs, stuffs them in his pocket. I just write down my pants just into my crotch. Just a little bit of crotch eggs for you in the morning is always nice.

Just got to pull the pubic hair out. Some eggs for those spermies, is always nice just gotta pull the pubic hair out for those spermies huh yes yes exactly cromlet a crotch omelet there you go yes god i stood in line do you remember this is before covet of course 2016 i stood in line for two and a half hours for a cromlet right yeah you know they finally mean, they were all the rage in New York at the time. Yeah, the French loved the crumb. They were over them in New York.

Yeah. Oh, also, if there's another thing you could, like, eggs down the pants, you could say, it's like, oh, it's a, you know, these are over sleazy. Yeah, now we're talking eggs over sleazy. You're the Don Draper of coming up with names for eggs in the pan.

That's why I have this tiny Coke. He's got the butcher paper and he flips it and he says, eggs over sleazy. And then he takes a drag of a cigarette. Nostalgia. Nostalgia is a powerful force. Quaffs a tiny cola. Quaffing that coke.

Dave, your podcast, Galaxy Brains, a fantastic show. I did it a couple months ago. I had a blast. We talked about how the tree creatures from Lord of the Rings reproduce. We had a great time. Something I wanted to ask you about, you you recently for your episode about ghostbusters not only got dan akroyd one of the ghostbusters to be on the

podcast no you did you didn't he got dan akroyd and i and so i have not i'll confess i have not listened to the episode because i have not seen Ghostbusters colon Afterlife yet. So I was avoiding spoilers. There's no spoilers in there. You could have asked me and I would have said no spoilers. Maybe if you listened, we wouldn't have been canceled. Sorry, we're canceled. It's a great show.

I hope you continue in some form. But not only did you get Ackroyd, but I guess you talked to him about the ghost blowjob? Yep, yep, yep. That was a prerequisite for me agreeing to do the interview. Yeah, we thought and thought and thought. Who do we want to talk to for Ghostbusters? Who is the person who's going to have the most interesting take about the deep and fascinating Ghostbusters mythology?

And Slimer said no? Slimer passed. Slimer said no? Slimer passed. Slimer's agent is a real motherfucker, what can I say? Oh, God damn it. But we were like, well, I mean, Dan Aykroyd, obviously, it would be like, oh, let's do a Star Trek episode.

Can we get Gene Roddenberry? We're already talking about Star Wars. What's George Lucas up to? So we're like, yeah, let's see if we can get Ackroyd. We're going to do an episode about tiny Cokes. Let's see if we can book Don Draper. I do not even know where you got this tiny Coke thing. I've seen the tiny Cokes.

I know the tiny Cokes. Do you know that I'm the only one who doesn't associate Mad Men with tiny Cokes? I can't think of when he might drink a tiny Coke, but I think what Jesse is saying is that things have gotten bigger. Yeah. Right? The portions of the things that we consume have gotten much bigger.

Mad Men is set in the early 1960s. If it were set today, Don Draper would be over seven feet like Georges Mirassand. Yeah, he'd be gigantic and he'd be drinking these big old glass cups. He'd be like bowl, bowl, 44 ounces. Shugging a two liter. Taking it down. Yeah. Okay, so we got to act right.

And he said yes. He didn't say yes. His person said yes. And I was flabbergasted. I was shocked. I thought there's no way. He's going to back out at the last minute. I imagine, Dave, that you were borderline.

Like if it was me and I put out that ask and got a yes, I would be borderline upset that I got a yes because I would feel like I could only ruin this. Yeah, that's how I felt too. You don't want to fail in front of the founder of your favorite vodka company, Crystal Head Vodka. The man who starred in Dr. Detroit himself. This is the guy. I love Dr. Detroit. We've discussed this on Jordan Jessup Go many times,

but this is the guy who created some of the most formative memories of my post-adolescence, which is to say the time I was driving home from Santa Cruz to San Francisco, listening to Shade 4-5 on satellite radio. And there was a G-Unit concert live from the House of Blues, and G-Unit was having a conversation with Dan Aykroyd. Oh, right. That's right. Dan Aykroyd at one point owned the House of Blues. And kept, Dan Aykroyd just kept listing blues musicians he liked. Wow. You guys remind me of Screamin' Jay Hawkins.

Other than the bone in his nose, you guys are the same. You remind me of a young lead belly. I think he was one of the founders of the House of Blues because that man loves blues music. He actually founded G-Unit. He actually discovered Tony Yeo. Yeah, the weird thing is

the G stands for Aykroyd and I don't know how that's possible. It's very peculiar. Dan Ayk acroid is something of a unit i think i agree let me put it this way guys back in those days dan acroid was not doing any tiny cokes if you know what i mean oh boy yeah those were Oh, boy. Yeah. That's a full two liter for sure. Straight up his nostril. In the big gulp. He combined some of them into a suicide. Oh, right. Yeah.

When he makes cocaine and Dr. Pepper. That's what got Belushi. Right. Fuck, I'm sorry. No, it wasn't. That's a horrible thing to say, but I think it was the best friend that did it. Okay, anyway, so I got Dan. Another comedy genius lost to Fanta.

I didn't know what it was and why he wanted to do the show. Is he a big Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan and just wanted to talk to Jonah? Jonah wasn't there, so it didn't matter. Just like today, Jonah's not there. I just couldn't figure it out, and I thought, okay, he's going to cancel. Then I realized I have to go to New York with my girlfriend because the podcast she writes for Love It or Leave It,

the Crooked Media podcast, they're doing a live show in New York. So I'm like, I'm going to go, but we got to record the episode, the Ghostbusters episode while I'm there. So I have to record remotely with this person that I've been a huge fan of my entire life because I love Conehead so much. I remember Conehead's being pretty funny. You're the number one biggest Nothing But Trouble fan. Oh, God. Oh, man. Yes.

Just an excellent movie where he just eats hot dogs for 20 minutes my friend my friend growing up that is so nothing but trouble is a famous like fiasco it's like a it's like a flop house movie um yeah my friend my childhood friend growing up matthew dudley legitimately loved that movie and we would like watch it during sleepovers shout out to maddie dubs yeah anyway um it's a scary film it is a scary i don't there's not a lot of jokes in it we would watch it during sleepovers. Shout out to Matty Dobbs. Yeah, anyway. It's a scary film. It is a scary film. There's not a lot of jokes in it.

It's just deformed mutant people and inbred hillbillies threatening to murder Chevy Chase, which I think is Dan Harmon's favorite movie of all time. I don't know why. Anyway, so we can't really guarantee he's going to be there. And the publicist or agent or whomever it is that my producer is talking to Anyway, so we can't really guarantee he's going to be there. And the publicist or agent or whomever it is that my producer is talking to starts to get very aggressive at some point about, like, we need to approve the questions. We have to do this. Dan doesn't know how Zoom works, so it has to be a phone call.

Well, most podcasts use Zoom in order to facilitate a conversation these days. And we also usually have people record their own audio on their computer. This is a little window into the way podcasts are made, kids. So enjoy this little tidbit. That's how we make podcasts. So I'm at a loss. I don't know how we're going to get this guy on the phone or how we're going to do the interview, anything like that.

We dupe him because you can use a phone number to we're going to do the interview, anything like that, we dupe him. Because you can use a phone number to have someone call and do a Zoom. Yeah. Wait, hold on. I've kind of lost the thread here, Dave. Who are you going to call? Who are you going to call? How are things in your neighborhood, Dave?

Yeah. All right. All right. How does B does boston make you feel all right i'm gonna finish my story now i'm gonna finish my story now so you have something actually happened to you we should be letting you finish it's fine no i continue getting these ridiculous puns through on the show it's fine people are loving this nothing has happened to us in 18 months that's true good point so dan does call in he keeps breaking up because he is in the middle of nowhere in canada and he keeps trying to move his phone so he gets better reception right so

he's just rustling the entire time we're talking and i have composed the question about the blow job in such a way that he can never say that i'm being salacious right and thank god for that because i do not want dan akroyd being mad at me about this uh blow job question because it's something that, I've heard him get very mad at interviewers for asking about nothing but trouble. It's a thing where he's really uncomfortable being asked about that.

So I'm like, I don't really want to be the guy who gets him pissed off, and then what are we gonna do? He's bailed. So I don't know if he's gonna be pissed off or not about this but i get there i get there i'm gonna tell you exactly what he says because you guys haven't listened to the podcast of course but um you're at least gonna know this little tidbit here so here's what he says actually let me give you my question first yeah because i'm i am curious about because it sounds like you this was important to you and you put a lot of thought it's important to everyone yes the

scene in ghostbusters that feels like maybe it isn't in there that we all actually imagined is in a montage there is a ghost sneaking up on dan akroyd in bed and and it takes off his pants and he makes the, oh, I'm getting blown. His eyes cross because that's how good the brain is. The ghost-latio is. He is getting absolutely garden-hosed out there, man. Travels to the spirit world.

Just wild, his weed is getting whacked, it's nuts. And the first time I saw Ghostbusters, that scene's not in the movie. The montage of them having their successes in business goes on. Because this is on ABC, is when I first watched it. The ABC Sunday night movie.

So all this stuff happens, and then you cut to Ackroyd's face, his eyes cross, and then he falls off the bed, and you don't know why. You don't even see the ghost, I don't think. There's certainly no zipper. Anyway, so here's how I ask the question.

One thing I want to talk to you about is the philosophical implications of some of this stuff. Obviously, Ghostbusters is a romp. It's a fun adventure story. It's a comedy. But one of the things that always piqued my interest into adulthood is, you know, there are ghosts that can be intimate with the living. There's a scene in the original Ghostbusters where your character, Ray, I felt like I had to remind him what his character's name was because he's quite old, is intimate with a ghost. See, I don't say sex. I don't say he got his dick chomped on by a specter.

No, it's very classy, intimacy. He says, yes, I remember the woman who played that. Her name was Kim Heron, and she was a Playboy Playmate. She played the ghost. I wish they'd let the scene go a little longer. My response is, as a child, I thought the same thing. No laughter from Dan Aykroyd there. Doesn't realize what I'm saying there.

He goes on to say, sexual encounters with spirits are very, very common. Very, very common. Very. They are incredibly common. It's like Omicron. It's just spreading wild in the world. Everybody's fucking ghosts now. There are some people that I know that have a house that has a presence,

and they don't try to purge it. They say, you know what? I'm going to stay with it, and I'll live with it. The implication, of course, is that these friends are readily and regularly fucking a ghost. So they're in some sort of ghost throuple. Yes, exactly. A polycule with a specter.

Yeah. So it worked out great. He gave me an awesome answer. Yeah, sure. And then the interview goes on. He's rambling. We lose him for a little bit. He comes back,

and I end the interview as, Jesse, you know how to interview a celebrity. You say, all right, thanks so much, goodbye! And they usually hang up, because they don't want to talk to you. Well, he just starts going off about Crystal Head Vodka, how AMC Theaters is going to be selling special green drinks with Crystal Head Vodka for ghostbusters afterlife.

And wouldn't it be lovely if we could share a beverage together one day? And I'm like, I got to go now. And he did not want to hang up. Wait, you didn't say here's my phone number. I know. I don't want to hang out with you.

Why aren't you, why are you talking with us? Why aren't you chilling with the act in Canada? In the frigid winter in Canada? Buy a plane ticket. I'm good. If anything is worth quarantining for two weeks after crossing an international border, it's drinking a green Ghostbusters vodka drink with Dan Aykroyd in outside Calgary.

Yeah. I don't think you guys understand. If I was going to spend time with Dan Aykroyd, I would be doing a lot of listening to him ramble on about ectoplasm and the Bermuda Triangle and how Amelia Earhart was actually a demon. And it was really hard to talk to him and how Amelia Earhart was actually a demon. It was really hard to talk to him and not giggle the entire time

because he seems like a wonderful, nice man, but a man that has interesting ideas about everything. He had this idea that ectoplasmic energy could solve global warming. That if we just got rid of fossil fuels and used ghosts to power our society, we wouldn't be much happier. And I don't think I want to be that guy's friend.

You know what they call that, Dave? No. Ecto-cooling. Oh, I ecto-cooled our relationship. I was like, all right, pump the brakes there brakes there mr race dance of the ghostbusters but i mean i don't know if he still has any like steak and house of blues we could have probably also gotten you like into a you know three doors down concert in illinois i mean i could have met jimushi. What if you went to Canada, you did your two weeks of quarantine, you're kicking it with Dan Aykroyd, and then his best friend walks in? It's Lloyd Banks from G-Unit.

And he says, let's talk Blind Lemon Jefferson. Let's light a blunt and let's discuss blues music. No, I just, none of this sounds appealing. I have a four-year-old child. I don't have time to be hanging with Dan Aykroyd. What if Neil Young came? He probably hangs out at Dan Aykroyd's house, don't you think? All right, now I'm interested.

Can I ask you guys a question? Does everyone know that Neil, I didn't bring up Neil Young to address this topic. Does everyone know that Neil Young was in a band with Rick James? That sounds like something that is real. I could not tell you what the band was. Traveling Wilburys? Yeah, it was Traveling Wilburys. It was Neil Young, Rick James. The Blues Brothers. The Blues Brothers. right it was neil young rick james the blues brothers brothers rick james and josie and the pussycats they were in a canadian rock band together yeah

huh james is from buffalo i'll be damned oh interesting it's a hop skip and a jump away from canada from the great white north from our neighbors up there he was our he was already doing his two weeks quarantine so he could hang out with Ackroyd. Dave, you mentioned having a four-year-old child. This is something I'm always curious about when I talk to the childed. What's everybody's kids ask for for the holidays? I always like hearing about what childed people are getting their kids. What's the hot shit? Okay, so we went to Brentntwood country mart last weekend wow

to see santa wow uh well my my ex-wife lives in marina del rey and so it's very close to brentwood country mart which she used to go there a lot when she was a kid because she grew up here and i i find it very pleasant you know to be around rich people and smell perfumes and candles and things of that nature this is is like Brentwood Country Mart. This is like, I'm trying to remember. I think I've been there. This is like a, it's like there's this thing in the west side of Los Angeles, parts of where it sort of is rural, but it's very, very, very rich

and also is not rural. Absolutely, yes. It is very much kind of designed to approximate the quaintness of the 19th century, despite the fact that everyone drives a Tesla. Yeah, and like Drew Barrymore is wandering around, returning some candles. Yeah, it's Drew Barrymore is wandering around, returning some candles. Yeah, it's pretty lame, honestly.

But my son loves it. They've got all kinds of stuff for him to do in a toy store, and it's easy to just feed him lunch and send him on his way. Santa was there on Saturday last weekend, and my son is Jewish, but we decided Santa's cool, right? Let's go have Santa impress my child, because he's easily impressed right now, because he's four.

He sits on Santa's lap, and Santa whispers to him as the picture is being taken, what do you want for Christmas? And my son, without skipping a beat, says, toys, and that's it. Yeah. Fuck yeah. And Santa was like like what kind of toys

just toys to the toys and then he and then he shoved him wow and then he put his cigarette out in his forehead your son was smoking this whole time during this whole story of course yes i should have said that part i forgot that part part. Yeah, he was smoking Marlboro Reds, chain smoking, because he's got a problem. And then just right out of his forehead and then pissed on him. Yeah, he just wants toys. He doesn't care.

He doesn't care. I get him everything that he asks for, really. And so he just wants more stuff. Once in a while, I'll pass, like, this is a kind of store that I feel like I see these days, is this, like, a kind of toy store that just sells, like, brand-free toys that you would think, like,

the characters in The Secret Garden would play with. Like, there are these stores that just sell, like, blocks and tin soldiers and, like, trains. That's the only kind of toy store left. There's that and Target. Right. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Anyway, when your son just said generally toys, I just think of these generic,

what Santa is painting in a drawing of Santa. He's painting a little eye on a dolly just like a generic dolly wooden train one wooden shoe from sweden yeah here you go young man yeah it's just like stuff it's like yeah it's like when kids on tv dress up for halloween and they're just like a cowboy or a space like kids aren't that they're like they're all all kids with Thanos now, right? Yeah, just deciding who lives and who dies. Mm-hmm. This is the kind of stuff that Don Draper would buy for his kids, you know? Like a little wooden horse or a pogo stick.

Yeah, yeah. Anyway. I went holiday shopping for my 10-year-old yesterday, which is to say I went on Facebook Marketplace and I arranged to go to San Gabriel, California and buy a LaserDisc player from an elderly karaoke enthusiast. Wow. Yeah. That rules. I want a LaserDisc player.

Yeah. He wanted to make sure I knew it worked and that you could turn the singing on and off on the disc. So is it for karaoke or is it to watch that particular cut of the Star Wars movies that everybody likes? Yeah, I think it's just for that one cut of the Star Wars movies that everybody likes. That's my understanding. It's without the special edition stuff, but it's still... It's just to watch that one David Mamet movie about a bear and maybe like Robert De Niro or something. Oh, yeah, sure. The Edge.

The Edge. Thank you. Is that the number one movie on LaserDisc? Yeah. Jesse, I just want to say that it's really beautiful that you are raising children who care about aspect ratios because a lot of kids they have you know tiktok and omicron and trump and they don't care about aspect ratios a lot of kids these days you know my son is in second grade there. And I've been talking to him about some of his classmates. And a lot of them have motion smoothing on their TVs.

Oh, no. Or they have it. Actually, there's one girl there. Second grade. This eight-year-old child has her television set to sport mode. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Kids these days. They don't even like sports. Kids these days color accuracy come on that's not what the filmmaker intended not at all

you gotta have a reference or something so you can really get it right and calibrate it properly like give me a break guys I have something for you I mentioned that I haven't been doing anything with my life at all for two years. But I did start watching this show called Antiques Road Trip. Have you heard of this show?

It's different from Antiques Road Show. But it's also, it has the same people. But the judges are Tom Green and the guy who played Stifler. Yes. And obviously drunk Bill Murray. I was going to say they were appraising things while driving. Oh, $3,000.

Okay. Yeah, it's an English show where they drive around in a vintage car to different towns in England and they buy antiques and then at the end they put them at auction and whoever gets the most money wins okay that's a very genial show a lot of fun

um they made an american version very briefly for public television uh fred willard was the narrator but then fred willard jacked off in an adult movie theater and it caused a lot of problems for the american version of antiques road trip it was only a one season program so i was watching this show and i complained on twitter about the fact that all the places they visit sound made up they can't possibly be real because they're just driving around england they're not even leaving england but they sound made up. And I got sent over the top when they visited a place called Pateley Bridge on the River Nid. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So you've got to be fucking shitting me.

Pateley Bridge on the River Nid. It wasn't a bridge. It's a town called Pateley Bridge on the River Nid. So I complained about that on Twitter. And then a Twitter user named HoffasaurusX, he was nice enough to share with me a picture of the region that Pateley Bridge on the River Nid is in. He just took a screen cap of Google Maps. It's in Leicestershire in England. And there was a long discussion with people from Leicestershire who follow me on Twitter about different ridiculous names of things in Leicestershire.

And so I've made a quiz for the two of you. You're going to be competing against each other. That's called which of these is a real town within about five miles of Shackerstone, Leicestershire, England. Oh, good. So Hothasaurus X's map just went from about, for people who are keeping track there in Leicestershire, from Stretton and Lafield to Newbold Verdon. So that's the area we're talking about. It's just the area between roughly Stretton and Lafield and Newbold Verdon. This is like if there was an American town called

East Bacon Gunberg. Yes. All the towns apparently are called that. I just wanted to clarify though before we got started on the quiz, the following were cut off from the map. You don't have to worry about these.

These are just outside outside i looked at a slightly bigger slightly enlarged uh so don't worry about newton burgo land snibston ashby de la zouch thorpe constantine no man's heath Nether Seal, or Newton Unthank. This fucking Dr. Seuss ass shit is pissing me off. Those are just outside the radius of this map. All my exes live in Unthank. That classic country ditty. So I'm going to let you go first, Dave.

I'm going to give you three choices, and only one of these is real. Brian is going to be keeping track because I don't have a pen. Dave, here are your choices. These are three places in Shackerstone, within about five miles of Shackerstone, Leicestershire, England. And only one of these is real. Badger's Rest, Barton in the Beans, or Cobbled Toots. I'm going to go Badger's Rest. Incorrect.

The answer is Barton in the Beans. Fuck these people. It's a real fucking place. In this little map. This is only like 10 miles across. No wonder JK Rowling is such an asshole. Jordan. Barton and the Beans is when you kick Hawkeye in the nuts.

Okay. I know that reference. Hawkeye from MASH? Yes. Hawkeye Pierce. Jordan, here's yours. Sheepy Magna, Knobby Bottom,

or Lil Porkers? Boy. Dan Eckman was in that movie, wasn't he? He was. Let's go Knobby Bottom. Oh, oh incorrect it's sheepy magna oh sheepy man i mean there's only about 15 towns i've used about half the towns in the map for this short quiz okay are some of these wrong answers like real towns that are just outside the region or are they totally nonsense sounds pretty much, yeah.

Dave, back to you here. All these towns voted for Brexit, I'm sure. Anyways, yeah, sorry. Three of these, one of these is real. Stankweed Castle. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. That sounds fun. Swepstone or Horny's Well.

I'm gonna go Horny's Well. What the heck? Incorrect. The answer's Swepstone. Oh, Swepstone. Now, to win this, one of you is going to have to get one of these right. Jordan, it's- So what happens if we-

Yeah, how many towns do you have? Back to you here, Jordan. Okay. So statistically, we should get one right at some point. At some point. There's only seven of these, so it's back to you. I'm very stupid. Which of these is real?

Okay. seven of these so i'm very stupid so which of these is real okay carlton philip or the fresh prince okay carlton philip theming here or the fresh prince vivian is also yeah i was gonna say Is there a town called First Aunt Viv? Carlton. I'm going to. I mean, I'll try and get at this another way. I think that the real one is Carlton, and that made you think of the other Fresh Prince thing. So I'm going to say Carlton. Yeah, that's absolutely correct.

Mark it down, Brian. Shit. That is absolutely correct. It's back to you here, Dave. I'm in trouble. Three choices. One of these is real. Rumpel's Turnover, Sheep's Rear Dropping, or Orton on the Hill.

Orton on the Hill sounds like a real place. I'm going to go with that because I have nothing to lose. Yeah, that's absolutely correct. Not to be confused with Little Orton Little Orton is right nearby but that's a different place and there's New Orton of course in America Jordan back to you here

three choices only one of these is real Peen's Circle Gopsal or Skankwell on ska? Can we hear the, let's hear these again. Choices are peen's circle, P-E-E-N, gopsal or skankwell on ska?

Gopsal is so, I don't know how someone would think of that. I'm just going to say Gopsal because I can't see the- Yeah, you're absolutely correct. Okay, yeah. You're absolutely correct. What's this score here, Brian, going into the final question? It is two to one, Jordan. Okay, so good news for you, Dave.

This is the final question, but it is worth two points. Lucky me. Wow. So you can win. It's got so much more dramatic. I know. This is for the win. Lucky me. Wow. So you can win. This got so much more dramatic. I know. This is for the win. Here's your choices.

Lion Witchy Wardrobe. All right. All right. Norton Juxta Twicross. Mm-hmm. Or Splort. So the choices again are Lion Witchy Wardrobe. Yeah.

So the title of the C.S. Lewis novel, but changed around a little. Norton Juxta Twicross. Or Splort. I'm going to go Norton's whatever, blob-de-blood-er-plot-up. The last one is Splort, Dave. Yeah. All right. Well, congratulations.

What's your choice? Is it splort? That's what Dan Aykroyd said when that ghost sucked his dick. He splorted. Oh, I'm going to splort. Dave, you're the winner. The answer is Norton Juxta Twi Cross. Suck it, haters.

Norton Juxta Twicross. Suck it, haters. Norton Juxta Twicross. Yeah. It was the only one that seemed- The haters are so fucking pissed right now. They're seething. God damn it. They are having a conniption fit. And I'm not just talking about the second Aunt Viv

who got cut from Jordan's pitch for a fourth answer to that Fresh Prince one. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Now, Jordan, every single time we make this program, we express our gratitude to the members of Maximum Fun.

Why? Because they make this entire fucking thing possible. You know, now that I think about it, it's probably for the worst that they do. How dare you? How dare you support this? We should be working for a nonprofit saving whales or whatever instead of doing this horrible program. But anyway, our thanks to you for-

This program that kills whales, that actively harms whales. They play it in oceans and the whales die. Right. They bash their heads against coral reefs. They eat rocks until they can't fit any krill in there. So anyway, the podcast is sponsored by listeners and also by the good folks at BetterHelp. That's right. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy.

And Jordan, if you're working through some shit like we obviously are, BetterHelp is a great way to get therapy. We're both big advocates of therapy. Obviously, we're not cured. You know what I mean, Jordan? But it's helped us a lot. Oh, yeah, absolutely. And definitely, you know, I think that sometimes if you haven't done therapy before, it can feel a little bit weird. It can feel maybe you have a little bit of shame around it. Maybe you're embarrassed, but you really shouldn't be. It's an awesome, awesome thing that you can do for yourself. And it really, it has really, really helped me. It's helped us. So we think you should give it a try. And a great option is BetterHelp. It's customized online therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions with your therapist. So you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to. It can be more affordable than in-person therapy

and you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours. And yeah, that's really great because I know that sometimes finding a therapist by other means can be a little bit challenging, a little bit complicated, and it sounds like BetterHelp makes it really easy. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp, and Jordan and Jesse Goh listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash JJ Goh.

That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash JJ Goh. You know, Jordan, it's a lot better than just banging your dang head into that coral reef. Yeah, right? Give the coral a rest. Jeez Louise. Stop being rocks. You gotta fit some krill in there. Hey, Free Willy. Hey, Free Willy. Stop, stop, stop munching those rocks. You gotta

filter some krill through your baleen. This is a different Free Willy. Not the famous one from the movie. Yeah, it's a baleen whale. It's also named Free Willy. It's a beluga from the movie this one yeah it's a paline whale it's also named free willy whale right no wait is it blue whale gray whale okay anyway we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. A Jordan Morris boy detective.

Dave Schilling, lover of ex-wives. I don't know. You guys always surprise me with this. I don't know what I'm going to say. Dave, that's a weird one. You're right. It is a weird one. I forgot that I didn't come up with something. Other people's ex-wives?

All of them. Yes. Everywhere around the world. As far as I know. Do you have more than one ex-wife? I'm working on it. Okay. Give the man some time. We got TikTok. We got Om some time. We got TikTok. We got Omicron. We got Trump.

I mean, how's a man supposed to get a divorce? Yeah. You got to let these things marinate for a while. Yeah. You know, when something momentous. I got to get an ex-wife. Jordan, you're going to be 40 soon. You got to marry and divorce

you love them but you gotta leave them at the same time it's tough can i ask you a question jordan how the fuck do you expect to get a four-year-old if you don't have an ex-wife i'm working on it I'm working on it Take care of business Jordan I'm working I just have a lot of shit to

Yeah You're working through your own shit It's fine Yeah Alright All you gotta do is marry and divorce

I'm working on it I'm working on it The only thing is, while you're married, sire a man-child. Sire a man-child? Yeah, so you can get that four-year-old.

Like have a impregnate, like have the baby come out four? No! You're lucky, you have to wait. Unless you go in faster than

light speed, you're going to have to wait. Do a child go faster than light speed? How does that work? Depends on which edition of Star Wars you're watching. I guess you'd have to laser disc. If you were going to send the child... That's not a Rontos.

You were going to send the child faster than light speed so that it could be four while you were still married. You would have to pack the spaceship full of baby num-nums. Yeah. So it would have something to eat. And diabetes. I just don't know that I could plort that fast.

Is that the thing? Plort? Plort. I don't know if I can plort that fast. That's where you and I differ, pal. I've talked to a few of your ex-girlfriends and I've heard that you do plort at light speed.

I'm working on it. I'm working on it. I'm working on it. You think this I'm working on it thing is going to catch on? This is the best thing we've ever done on this show. I mean, it speaks ill of our show to this point that that is the case, Jordan. But if we're frank, it's the best thing we've ever done on this show. 15 years we've been doing this show. We haven't topped.

I'm working on it. Well, you're welcome. Yeah, thanks, Dave. That was my idea. I like that you guys are not taking credit for a thing that I just said. Well, I guess that's how it works in showbiz. Yeah, well, showbiz, yeah, we're working on it, okay?

We're working on it. I'm working on it. Hey, I'm working on it over here we're working on it, okay? We're working on it. I'm working on it. Hey, I'm working on it over here. Come on. What the hell? I'm working on it. I'm a ghoul. Okay.

Yes. I'm a ghoul. So when something momentous happens to you, give us a call, 206-984-4FUN, or just send us a voice memo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. for For Fun, or just send us a voice memo at jjgoeatmaximumfun.org. Here's one person who called in with a momentous occasion such as that. Greetings, Jordan and Jesse, possible guest Tom Sharpling, and all the wonderful people at Maximum Fun. This is John from the Fern Rock section of North Philadelphia. And I was just driving on the roosevelt expressway which is a very interesting road in our area and the cops had the exits blocked off going the other way

for what i assume was a dump truck parade it was a parade of dump trucks dumpster trucks pickup trucks and all sorts of guys driving trucks. So thank you, guys. Love you. Bye. Love you, too. That's what I asked fucking Santa for for Christmas. Show me that dump truck parade. I was going to say, that's what they call when I walk by.

Here comes the old dump truck parade. Ha, ha. I got a big ass voice. God. Jordan, you know. We've met before. It doesn't matter where I'm going. I'm doing that honk the big rig horn motion. Me and Trump love a big rig.

What can I say? Jordan, how's your dumper? What's your dumper what's your dumb face like yeah what are you dragging behind you dog oh man speak up i'm speak up what are you dragging mini cooper oh lord boy i got a little i got a smart car i'm gonna smart car in the pants i got a smart car. I'm going to smart car in the pants. I got a hatchback. Man. A Subaru. Right by my house. Speaking of shit that I've looked at while I walked a dog. There's somebody has like a real, just like a little regular front yard with a little regular little kind of driveway type deal.

No garage, just a little driveway. That's like the shape of a car. Back a fucking big rig cab into that shit. Fucking most amazing thing I've ever seen in my entire life. Park a big rig cab in your front yard. Amazing. Your urban front yard. That rules.

What do you think's in there? Jeez, I mean, gold bricks. I was going to say meth, but sure. Gold seems plausible. Yeah yeah some of each yeah some sort of breaking bad subplot gone wrong meth and gold the plumes i mean if you had a big rig full of gold what would you buy dude the answer of course is a big rig toys toys just toys dave you're a writer so you probably relate to this we're really creative people and we always come up with great new ideas for segments on this program uh that we've like

copyrighted thought about worked on really hard it's not just people calling in and then saying whatever they want but putting a segment name at the beginning of it. That's what we've thought of through our creativity. So, Brian, why don't you play one of those things that we thought of? Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. Hi, Brian. And guests, this is landing from Austin, Texas, calling in with a entry for the famous segment, my cousin's first Hollywood job.

So my cousin several years ago finished film school and his first job that he got in Hollywood was building a monkey cage for Kirstie Alley. Yeah. And so he finished the monkey cage and ended up getting hired on. And I think he worked for her for a few years filming like documentary footage for something she was working on that i don't know if it ever got released but um ended up going on and having like a fairly successful tv career in tv production so uh yeah i guess the the road to success is paved with monkey cages or something like that. Anyway, love the show. Love you guys too.

Yeah. I wonder what Kirstie Ellie thought of the monkey cage. Did she find it comfortable? No. Thanks, Dave. The gag here being that she lives in the monkey cage, not that she has a pet monkey that's on the fucking rampage. Of course it is.

Is monkey ownership part of Scientology? You have to learn to care for an animal lesser than you, with a brain smaller than yours. That's why she adopted Chris Kattan. Oh, for Mr. Peepers. You know him. The classic Chris Kattan character. That's right.

Do you guys think probably Chris Kattan's a really nice guy, and I should feel bad about not liking him on TV, right? No, I don't think you have to feel bad about not being a fan of his. I mean, it's fine. I saw him eating alone at a Vietnamese restaurant once. Sounds fucking great, Kattan. Who amongst among us hasn't done that before? I was also doing that.

We were both doing that. I don't think he's a mean guy necessarily. I just don't care for his work. Well, you know, Chris Kattan. Would you guys, how much do you think it would take in budget for you to build a monkey cage for Kirstie Alley? You want me to quote you on the spot? I mean, come on. Materials?

Yeah, including materials. Don't ask a professional this kind of question on the microphone and give him time to prepare. This is just a spider monkey. Yeah, am I dealing with the monkey too? Because I'm jacking up my rate if there's a risk of my face and genitals getting ripped off. This is just, I want to be clear, this isn't a chimpanzee. We're not talking about a orangutan. Yeah, anything in that zone is going to rip off your face and genitals. I'm just talking about a orangutan yeah anything in that zone's gonna rip off your face and

genitals i'm just talking about a little old spider monkey you're incarcerating an animal you say a little old spider monkey you don't have to buy the next thing you know you're getting your face and genitals ripped off maybe using its prehensile tail jordan you don't have to buy the grapes kirsty provides the grapes for the monkey. Right. This monkey fucking loves grapes. That's like candy to a monkey, Jordan. Nah.

You lay your guard down for one second, he's wrapping that prehensile tail around your genitals. $25,000. $25,000 cash on the barrel head. Kirstie Alley pulls it out of her wide-shouldered primary colored suit that she's wearing, leftover from the television show Cheers, I guess, is the premise of that. And she pulls it out, cash on the barrelhead, $25,000, build me a monkey cage. What do you say?

Praise Xenu, I'm building that cage. Building it for the big guy upstairs and by upstairs i mean in a volcano i think how about a few extra grapes for daddy how about you dave i gotta go 50k because i want to take the 25 for myself yeah and the other 25 is for the building of the cage like i want to make a really nice you got to have a margin jordan and you got to consider that uh lumber prices are high right now if the monkey gets out is it on me like the monkey well i just like the blame like like our lawyer's gonna come after me if the monkey gets on me? I mean, I don't know where the monkey's going. He might get up on you. Rip off faces and genitals.

He might get up on you because you're the man with the grapes. I'm not going to have any grapes on me. Yeah. And you don't know what's going to set off the monkey. It might think that you're like a threat to its territory. I have Googled how much does a monkey cage cost. Yeah. Great.

It came up pretty clearly on Google. Mm-hmm. Yes. Does anybody want to do a guess? $50,000. Tell me a little bit about the cage here. This is just from a blog.allpetsmedical.com. Okay.

Reputable sources. Reputable sources. From a standard animal slavery website. This is caring for primates colon how much does a pet monkey cost? Okay. Got it. Do you want to guess? I'm going to guess

$50,000 for a machine made for a machine made like imported from you know a factory where they make iphone screens when they're not making monkey cages i'm gonna say twelve thousand no eight thousand dollars I say $12,000. No, $8,000. Dave, are you locking in $50,000? Locking it in, baby. Cost of monkey cages. You can purchase ready-made indoor cages between $650 and $900.

Wow. Conversely, outdoor cages will cost between $1,300 to $3,500. However, the cost of monkey cages will ultimately depend on size and durability. Well, there you go. So I want to make a really durable, sizable cage. For a small monkey. We got a couple other categories here. I've had a lot of problems, Jordan, with my monkey being too small and so it wears out too fast.

A couple other categories here on this blog. Cost of food veterinary care and lastly we have diapers for pet monkeys i'm factoring all of that in with my estimates they can also wear out too fast if they're too big which is what happened to georgie mirison oh r.a.p is he dead i don't know if he died star of my giant a classic film too big do you guys want to guess how much monkey diapers cost? According to blog.allpetsmedical.com. Yeah.

Probably the same as human diapers. Yeah. Standard. I mean, the real expense for owning a monkey, Jordan, is going to be all those baby num-nums you got to buy. Yeah. You got to have the num-nums. Many primate owners choose to diaper their pets.

This is because they are not easily or reliable to house train. You can purchase a three to four month supply of diapers for around $65. Wow. Yeah, that's how much actual people diapers cost. That seems affordable. They probably don't make monkey diapers, right? There's probably people that just go out and get Huggies. Yeah, you cut a little tail slot in the back.

Huggies little scoot, you cut a little tail slot in the back. Huggies little scooters. You know, they got those. You got to get those little scooters because they got the elastic leg holes. Yeah, that's right. So you can potty train them. Many primate owners choose to diaper their pets because they shouldn't be pets. They should just shit in the woods like a bear. Yeah.

This does remind me of the lady who had the pet, and then it ripped her face off. Actually, no, I think it was she had a friend over, and it ripped a friend's face off. And then she got the first face transplant. Correct me if I'm wrong, listeners. Call in and tell me I'm a fool. Was the first face transplant a result of a monkey attack?

I don't know. Yes, it was. It was, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. These people had had the monkey for years. Can I tell you something I've been thinking about a lot lately? Yes, please.

Kirstie Alley's super fucking funny on Cheers. I just think she's underappreciated. I think she's super fucking funny on Cheers. I just think she's underappreciated. I think she's super fucking funny on Cheers. I mean, she's great. In fact, I think that everybody always says that she's the lesser of the two female leads

on Cheers. And I think she might be the better one. I think I might like Kirstie Ali episodes more. Just throwing it out there. Just throwing it out there. Just throwing it out there. I like Coach. Coach is my favorite from the whole show.

But I think Kirstie Alley might be better. Well, now it's out there. Like your genitals are outside of your body once the monkey gets its prehensile tail

on them. And just pops it off. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. When that monkey went, before the monkey went at you did you have internal genitals they're in a sack you gotta keep them in a ball sack

the monkey's ripping them out of the sack jesse the whole thing's that they're in that sack everything's in the sack you curl it up and then you unfurl it when the woman presents herself thank you 206 i know i've had a kid before okay i had a kid 206-9844-FUN or jjgoe at maximumfun.org we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse cow it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hey, we're headed to San Francisco Sketch Fest, Jordan.

It's going to be great. We'll have a lot of fun. Guess who we just added to the program? Oh, my gosh. He's a fucking legend. He's a fucking- You're not talking about- You're not.

You don't mean. You don't mean. One of the greatest Jordan Jesse Goh legends of all time. He's back in the Bay, and he's back on Jordan Jesse Goh. Yes, that's right. Ash Kahn. Yes. Ash Kahn, the singer-songwriter behind Hot Tubbin'. The most beloved guest who hasn't been on our show in seven years because he's not in Los Angeles a lot.

He was living in New York for a long time. It's too far from L.A. But Ashkahn joining us on Jordan Jesse Go at SF Sketch Fest. And who knows who else? Who knows who else? It's going to be a truly extraordinary event. Closing night of SF Sketch Fest, January 23rd at the Gateway Theater in downtown San Francisco.

We've been playing that Gateway Theater for over 25 years. You'd think at this point we'd have grown our audience a little, but we haven't. So we're at the Gateway Theater. It is a great theater, though. It's a wonderful theater. It's awesome. Yeah. Gateway Theater. It is a great theater, though. It's a wonderful theater. It's awesome. Yeah. 8 p.m. Sunday, January 23rd. You can get those tickets at sfsketchfest.com.

sfsketchfest.com. And yeah, we really hope to see everybody there. It's going to be a blast. Bring your vax card, bring your mask, all those things required to get in. And yeah, we're excited to see everybody again. SFSketchFest.com. We also have a message up on the Jumbotron where our listeners can share messages with our audience. This is a message for Evan from Mike, Liz, and Rose. Evan, by the way, is short for Evander. They just wanted us to know that, Jordan. Now I know that and I'm better off for it. I had assumed it was short for Evanander. They just wanted us to know that, Jordan. Now I know that, and I'm better off for

it. I had assumed it was short for Evanworth, but it's good to know. It says, Mazel Tov on finally finishing school. Mike and Liz are covelling for you and the example you've set for Luna and Scarlet. And although Mike doesn't say it enough, he's so proud of you for everything you've accomplished and he's grateful to be your little brother. Rose might be happy for you or might have just taken a dump.

Do you think Rose is a baby? Rose has got to be a baby, right? Rose loves dumps. Rose loves dumps. No, Rose is the big sis. That's what I think. Yeah. Rose loves dumps

was the title of my favorite Golden Girls episode. Oh, that is a good one episode that is a good one that is a good that's the never aired one right right yeah that's the one that was too hot for tv because it included too much shitting only on dvd if you have a message for one of the cast members of the golden girls or one of the characters from the golden girls go to maximum fun.org slash jumbotron and you can share that message with the world we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse goff this week on tights and fights austin Creed, better known as WWE superstar Xavier Woods, unbalancing his

many passions. This dude actually wants these ridiculous things. He wants to wear a crown. He wants to be at G4. He wants to have a yacht rock band. He wants to DJ at a festival one day. WWE and G4's Austin Creed on tights and fights.

Find it on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. You're in the theater. The lights go down. You're about to get swept up by the characters and all their little details and interpersonal dramas. You look at them and think, that person is so obviously in love with their best friend. Wait, am I in love with my best friend?

That character's mom is so overbearing. Why doesn't she stand up to her? Oh, good God, do I need to stand up to my own mother? We never know when we'll see ourselves in a movie, but that search for recognition is exactly what we're going to talk about on the podcast Feeling Seen with me, Jordan Cruciola. Each episode, we'll bring in a guest

to talk about the films that they see themselves in and also the ways that movies have fallen short. So join me every Thursday for the Feeling Seen podcast here on Maximum Fun or wherever you find your podcasts. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Dave Schilling, lover of ex-wives.

Davey Dave, you are the co-host of the podcast Galaxy Brains with our friend Jonah Ray. Yeah. Now entering its final episode. Congratulations, Dave. On an extraordinary run on the Galaxy Brains podcast, getting too deep into film. Yeah, yeah. Thank you for the congratulations. It's sort of like congratulating the pilot of a plane

for crashing it. No, for landing it successfully. Well, Sully got a whole movie made about him. Yeah, Dave. Sully got a whole fucking movie. Didn't you see that with Denzel Washington? Yes, that was him. He drank too much,

and then he crashed the plane. Played in all plane movies. Into the Hudson River. Yeah, and then, yeah. The guy was on the wing, and William Shatner said, oh God, there's a guy on the wing. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is in the cockpit.

And he's like, are you Kareem Abdul-Jabbar? You know? Yeah. We're talking about the Langoliers. And Harrison Ford says, get off my plane. And Wesley Snipes says, always bet on black. Yeah, play movies. There's too many snakes on my plane.

There you go. This all happened in Sully. All. This all happened in Sully. All of these things happened in Sully. It's a beautiful movie. It's incredible. A goose flew into his engine. He's doing one of those parody films called Plane Movie. Superhero movie, scary movie, plane movie.

Somebody should take the movie Airplane down a peg. Really stuffy film. What if there was a goofy version of Airplane? Would you say Sully, Jordan, would you say Sully is your favorite movie based on a goose flying into an airplane engine? No, I would say my favorite movie based on a goose flying into an airplane engine is Willow. Yeah. Thanks.

How about you, Dave? You have any favorite goose films? Favorite goose films. Top Gun. Top Gun is probably the correct answer to that. I tell you what, what I wouldn't mind goose in his, uh, his old dump truck. Thank you very much. uh,

his old dump truck. Thank you very much. By the way, uh, we do have some research that Brian has conducted. Just a quick update for our audience. We already know this information, but, uh,

Kirstie Alley had a dozen lemurs just so you know, Jordan, just so you know, Dave, in case you weren't paying attention, 14 lemurs. Is a lemur technically a monkey? Is a lemur part of the monkey family or is it like a raccoon?

No, I think it's a type of, it's one of those flat fish, like a flounder. Okay. Yes. Yeah. Technically. That's true. It's a fruit because it has seeds inside. Oh, okay.

A lemur is technically a legume. People don't know that. Allergic to legumes. I watched this movie called Santa Claus, C-L-A-W-S. Yep. My children wanted to watch it. It's probably the worst movie I've ever seen in my entire life in a really boring way, just purely boring and horribly bad.

Is it like a Christmas parody horror movie? No, not at all it's just a fucking movie about talking cat kittens that save christmas oh claws for the cat yeah and then there's just this so wait is this good or this is great right it's a great movie no this is i think we have a bad connection because you were saying it was bad but the premise sounds good maybe our zoom connection is. It's maybe the worst movie I've ever seen in my life. And I saw the movie Battlefield Earth in the theater. But in this movie, there's just a part where Santa says, I'm allergic to legumes.

It's the only good part. He's allergic to legumes. And then later on, he goes into anaphylactic shock. This whole movie is based on Santa's allergies. Huh. And in the movie, when he goes into anaphylactic shock, he gets really mad because somebody gave him a peanut butter cookie. And he says, I told you I'm allergic to legumes. It's just a good part from the movie Santa Claus.

Is it animated or is it a live action? It's live action in its own way. The action is not that live. It approximates human reality in some way. Brian's showing us pictures of lemurs now. Let's end this show before we look at all these. Yeah, so we can look at the lemurs in peace and not feel obligated to comment on them

we can just look at them and enjoy their beautiful tales i'm looking out he's just got one of these image searches and i'm not to brag guys i'm taking a look at this parade of dump trucks over here look at that look at how his genitals curl into that sack. He's got the prison wallet on that lemur. Dave Schilling from the Galaxy Brains podcast. Dave Schilling, Jonah Ray. Go take a listen to it. It's a lot of fun.

You can hear Jordan was on an episode. What was your episode, Jordan? We did Lord of the Rings. We had a lot of fun. Lord of the Rings. That is a lot of fun. Yeah. Great movies. Our last episode, it's about the Lord of the Rings. We had a lot of fun. Lord of the Rings. That is a lot of fun. Yeah. Great movies.

Our last episode, it's about the Matrix. Oh. You should check it out. Matrix. You know, Dave, there's a lot of philosophy in that movie. Don't remind me. Dr. Cornel West. I got to read a whole book just to understand the movie.

Or a bunch of books and ride around on a cool motorcycle like Keanu Reeves. You guys are great. Dave Schilling has been our guest on the program. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez is our producer. You can find us on Twitter at Jordan underscore Morris at Jesse Thorne. You can hashtag your tweets, hashtag JJ Go. You can find us on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. I took my migraine medicine you by the free design courtesy of the free design and light in

the attic records i took my migraine medicine earlier i'm really out of juice we'll be back next week on jordan jessica maximumfun.org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported