Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 72: Lifelong Learning

Episode Date: September 17, 2008

Jordan nearly gets fired for lacking a love of life-long learning, a new Action Item, and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, friendly, maggoty, netty, twiddle, dumm, fiddly, palm tree. This week we discuss Jordan and Jean getting so drunk at my wedding they fall over and break a bowl of candy.

Plus a whole lot more. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. It is great to be back here. Absolutely. It's been weeks Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. It is great to be back here. Absolutely. It's been weeks. Several weeks. Several weeks since we were here all together doing the same thing at the same time.

I'm so sorry that it has to end, Jordan. Oh, is this the last show? This is your last show, yes. Oh, my last show. Well, long time coming, I guess, huh? I mean, I don't know who I'm going to get to replace you. Yeah. Is there a short list at least? Can I at least hear the short list?

Jon Hamm from Mad Men plays Don Draper on Mad Men. He's good. He's on the short list. Real guy's guy. He's a real man's man. I am not. I wouldn't consider myself a guy's guy. Here's the thing.

I want someone whose voice contrasts with mine. That's an important thing. So I've also considered late 80s Bobcat Goldthwait. Oh, okay. Bobcat Goldthwait. What do you think current Bobcat Goldthwait will think about that? I don't know. He directed a critically acclaimed film. He directed a

critically acclaimed film. I know for some time he was the director on the Jimmy Kimmel show. Okay. So I don't know. I mean, the point is this, Jordan. Sure. It's not about, it's not so much about who I get to replace you. It's about your failings. Yeah. I'm just concerned. Do you want to list them? Are you going to list them or? Yeah. I just, it's mostly just one thing. Yeah. I'm just concerned that... Do you want to list them? Are you going to list them? Yeah. It's mostly just one thing. Yeah. I'm not convinced you have a love of lifelong learning. Oh, yeah. No, that's true.

I mean... I pretty much stopped learning. Let me ask you a question. Sure. Are you taking any classes? No, I'm not taking any classes. Are you learning any new languages? No. No. I'm sticking with English.

Do you... Pretty steadfastly. Have you learned how to better box out? No. Crossover? No. Jab step? No.

The verb to be, ser? No. That's why I'm disappointed in you. Oh, yeah. Hmm. Well, do you want to just finish this show or is this it? I don't know. I got class at the City College coming up.

Oh, yeah? Maybe we should just end it here. So you have this newfound enthusiasm for classes and you're leaving your old buddy Jordan, old stagnant Jordan, in the dust. Yeah, well, because you're not building. I'm building a temple to knowledge inside my brain. Yeah. And inside my heart. For that matter, inside my groin, my midsection.

Hmm. You see what I'm saying? What are you doing in your groin? Building a temple to learning. Oh. How is that different than the temple in your groin? Building a temple to learning. Oh. How is that different than the temple in your heart? No, it's three of the same temple.

Okay. This is like a model home situation. I wouldn't say that because each... It's a prefab. It's not a prefab. It's a prefab temple. Each of the three temples, there are three temples, each of them has unique architectural features.

Head, heart, balls, right? Right, exactly. The three temples to knowledge. Right. Head temple, heart temple, and the third temple. The third temple. But each of them has unique. The swinging temple.

It's a colorful situation. Like one might be a turn-of-the-century American style with a front porch and an alley around the back and that kind of thing. One might be a row house style, like a Baltimore row house style temple. Brick, several stories, a peaked roof. You see what I'm saying? Yeah. roof. You see what I'm saying? Yeah. Each temple has a distinctive style

because knowledge comes in so many different flavors. Okay. You see what I'm saying? Yeah. Like, let's say you want to take a class in, I don't know, just picking at random Español, which is the Spanish word for Spanish. Sure.

Oh, I got a great idea. Oh, yeah, I got one uh i bet the groin temple is smaller than the other ones nice okay i mean that was that's a pretty good example of why you're not going to be the co-host of this show anymore what i think that's that is that is hearty evidence that i should keep being the co-host zingers like that one maybe instead of come on your dick's small that's funny Maybe instead of zinging. Come on, you're dick small. That's funny. Maybe instead of zinging, you should do some learning. Wow, I learned how to zing.

Okay, you learned how to zing, huh? Yeah, I took a zing class. Do you feel like you get better at zinging every day? Yeah, I mean, well, when I watch the whole nine yards and the whole 10 yards back to back, I watch Mr. Matthew Perry. Oh, he's the king of zingers. Sure. He'll drop them on you like a bomb. Yeah, he'll still fire them at you. Like a paintball

gun. He just grabs one out of his quiver, loads it up into his paintball gun. Sure. Grabs it out of the quiver into the paintball gun, puts the paintball gun in the t-shirt gun. And fires a paintball gun loaded with zingers at you. And it hurts. It explodes and it leaves a mark. Yeah. Matthew Perry, the new co-host of Jordan Jesse Goff. Man, that's going to be a great show. When's the first one going to air? I don't know. You got Matthew Perry's

number? Yeah, but I don't think I'll let you have it. Well, we'll fight it out in just for a minute, but while we're doing that, we'll take a quick break on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Well, Matthew Perry lists it's back to default plan X. Sweet. Man, it's so great to be the default guy. More often than not, you get to be the actual guy. Yeah, especially... By default. Especially if some asshole won't give you Matthew Perry's number, even though he probably has it from his career as a TV extreme sports coverage man.

Yep. Hey, here's an idea for a new segment. Speaking of zingers, I wanted to create a place in this show where we can – a place in the show where we can – you know, okay, here's the deal. Yes. You and I are guys prone to making a joke in casual conversation. Yeah, make a joke, absolutely. Throw it out there, see what happens.

Sure, why not? It's maybe, you know, part of the reason people invite us places, why we're asked to be a part of a group. You're asked to be a part of groups? Oh, yeah. I mean, several times a month. Gee whiz. Do you ask to be a part of groups? Oh, yeah.

I mean, several times a month. Gee whiz. You know, Lord knows we don't have any kind of, you know, we're not great to look at. We're not handsome men. No, yeah, we don't really have anything that interesting to say. No, we certainly don't know very much about anything. My love of lifelong learning notwithstanding. Yeah, that's going to change that pretty soon. Yeah, well, I'll certainly be able to use the verb to be ser sure nosotros nosotros somos wow man that's some good learning thank you that basketball

class sounds great um so we're full of witticisms sure right come on uh anyways uh but but you know oftentimes sometimes the jokes don't fly right and i just want i don't want to let them go unlaughed at so i want to present them here in a segment called failed jokes failed you and i and whoever is is here can get it give give their jokes that they thought were funny a second chance. Just let them, because sometimes you throw out a joke that you're proud of. Sure. You think you're doing good work. Right. And your audience, be they your peers, your family members, relatives, just the folks that you're hanging out with on the elevator.

Right. They're not on board. Yeah. They don't get it. They don't, they're not on board. Yeah. They don't get it. They don't like it. I saw the other night, the Sound of Young America Maximum Fund.org sponsored an 826 Valencia benefit program. Yes.

For the 826 Los Angeles here in LA. Our friend Al Madrigal was the producer of that program. The host of the show, the great Jimmy Pardo. Yeah. Throughout a fair number of jokes that the audience just wasn't buying. Hmm. I'm, here I am in the front row.

I'm laughing my butt off. Sure. I love Jimmy Pardo, Jordan. Yeah. A lot of the audience, they weren't on board. Do you think maybe the, it was the hipster quotient that maybe didn't get Jimmy Pardo's kind of self-conscious, semi-self-conscious corniness? Yeah, they didn't, it meant nothing to them.

Hmm. The whole thing meant nothing to, I would say, 45% of the crowd. When it means nothing to 45% of the crowd, the rest of the crowd is going to have a hard time enjoying it. Yeah, it's interesting because your Mr. Show comedy hipsters love Pardo, but maybe these are Yola Tango hipsters. This was definitely, well, I feel like calling them Yola Tango hipsters. These were definitely, this was definitely, well, I feel like calling them

Yola Tango hipsters might be a little bit too much credit here in Los Angeles. They're more likely maybe a Death Cab for Cutie hipster. Gotcha.

A little bit more of a, you know, it's a real kind of hipster. They seem like pleasant people. A lot of good looking people at this thing. Yeah, I believe it. Good looking people

don't get jokes very well. I gotcha. Well, this is maybe even kind of leading into my first failed joke that uh i invented this segment because of okay what was the joke first one was maybe a situation where the people were too good looking to get my joke okay um so i was at uh an honest with jennifer love uh this is more ridiculous than your. I was actually at a hotel room party at the Chateau Marmont. Okay, excellent. This was a literal hotel room party

at the literal Chateau Marmont. Right. Famous location of a lot of... Legendary Hollywood hotel, famous for its depravity. Sure, sure. A lot of celebrity crotch photos are set there. I went there one time,

and they have a list at the door of the hotel. Yeah. If you're not on the list, you can't get in. Sure. Yeah. Yes, that was the situation. We were on the list. I'm sitting in the patio.

David Spade's sitting over there with a couple over-the-hill models. Sure. Nice. Yeah. Wow. That's the scene that we're looking at. Yeah, yeah. And I was going with the, this was a friend of a friend situation.

I had a friend and he was on the list and I was his plus one to this hotel room party. You're friends with Clark Kent. The friend of a friend is Superman. Sure. I'm a Jimmy Olsen sort of character. Exactly. At this point. At this point.

Anyways, and so the person throwing this party and also most of the guests were – they were all teachers at a kind of a Beverly Hills private school where a lot of celebrities apparently send their kids. And I guess that the hotel room was a gift from one of the rich parents and they were talking about how that's a big thing working at the school is one of the perks is that you – when birthdays and Christmas roll around, the celebrity parents are very generous with the teachers. And from the population of this party, it would seem that this school – every teacher in this school is a kind of leggy 30-year-old woman. Yeah, absolutely. Maybe a little prettier than your average public school teacher. You know what I'll tell you, Jordan? Yeah. For you and the folks out there at home listening to this, trying to imagine the situation,

I'd recommend you listen to the Randy Newman song, Life is Good. Okay. Life is Good. Don't know that one. Leggy 30-year-old. Well, it's about hot teachers. Ah. It's about Bruce Springsteen calls him over and

asks Randy Newman to be the boss for a while. Life is good. Anyways, and so we were talking about, I was asking one of them the advantages. This is a big group, big circular conversation group. And it i you know being an la comedy guy hang around with a lot of la comedy guy types and and something that maybe i'll complain about a lot that wears on me a little bit is um when you're in these comedy situations everybody's always doing a bit right and you know god knows i love doing bits hey you know you know i know as well as you do i love a good bit but sometimes it gets a little tiresome and you just wish you could talk about an actual thing.

What was interesting being in a place where there was no bits taking place, no bits. This was all, all conversation. Right. A sincere conversation. You know, maybe kind of shallow political talk and then maybe people bringing up documentaries they had seen. Right. Loudly.

Yes. Loud and emphasizing the word documentary. Yes. I watched a documentary the other day. That was a big part of it. Anyways, I was asking someone the advantages of teaching in this kind of rich private school v. teaching in a public school. And they said, well, it's really nice not to have to deal with budget cuts and you know

if you ever have an idea you know or something you want to do with uh curriculum whoa there'd be big shiny shine in my face it's got a big shine from a window yeah that's really weird there's a window shine what happened up there well they just closed the window and the sun was angled anyways um so they said it's nice to not have to deal with budget cuts. And you can kind of, you know, you can have, you know, your creative ideas can be implemented because of the generosity of the parents. And I said, oh, that must be great when you learn to study the ocean. All the kids can go inside it. I want to rephrase this perfectly because this was a darn good joke.

I said, it must be great when you start to study the ocean because then all the kids can go underwater in James Cameron's submarine. Uh-huh. Nothing. You didn't get anything out of that. Nothing. Zip. You said that right away. All the kids... You were right there with it.

Yeah, that was on pace. That submarine has 3D cameras in it. I know. Is it, okay, is it A, I'm just late to the party on that, like that thing about James Cameron going under and making the summery movies is just over, or people don't know that, or C, that wasn't funny. I'm willing to entertain that that wasn't funny. No, I— But I think it was funny. Here's the thing.

funny i here's the thing i think it might be that we have a heightened understanding of james cameron's various activities because we are in your case in the industry in my case in the public radio segment of the industry sure one of the busiest segments of the industry i mean bustling i would call it bustling ira glass won a couple of those emmys that they give away on the E! Award show yesterday. Oh, did he? Yeah, it was the second level Emmys. Sure. Best sound design for makeup. The worst Emmys. Yeah, exactly. The worst Emmys. Worst Emmys.

So, yeah, I mean, we're industry insiders. Sure. We know James. You know? Yeah. We've eaten the fish that he films. You know what I mean? so we're inside i think maybe they're just not on top of that plus and you also have to consider that we're really closely following the world of 3d imax in a way yeah that some other people might not be also the way i phrased the joke implied that james cameron was driving the submarine full of kids himself

right so you think that might have upset them. No, I was saying I think that paints a funny picture. That's a funny, I'm painting a funny Because he's worth, he's got a billion dollars. He doesn't need to drive around. He's driving around a submarine full of kids. Little kids in his submarine. Is it living coral?

It's living coral. Deep sea anglers. Sea spider. A deep sea angler, a fisherman? No sea angler. Is a deep sea angler a fisherman? No, it's a kind of fish that has the light on its head to attract, you know. It's called an angler? Yeah, I think it's called it. Look it up. Angler is definitely a word for fisherman.

No, no, I know, but it's a kind of fish that has the apparatus. Deep sea angler. Yeah, look at that. Yep, deep sea angler yeah look at that yep deep sea angler angler fish deep sea angler fish it's called it's a it's a ceratioid cryptoceres coesi geely now everyone knows what you're talking about yeah exactly the latin name for it sorry if the people don't hear the phylum they're not gonna yeah i think that's like well i know the genus yeah where's the phylum exactly fuck you thorn sorry darwin go back to your little illustrations in your gay ass book yeah enjoy your finches finchy yeah have a good time with those beaks asshole finch beaks that's fucked up jordan the people didn't laugh at that i know man well hopefully everyone fight anybody no i didn't fight everybody was very wispy and thin did anybody

not even one person thought that was funny nope nothing zero not even the guy i came with he didn't even back me up i was with a dude i was with a dude buddy jeez louise no what you know what never mind i strike that i he totally laughed he laughed okay i'm i'm just have a negative view of this because there's sometimes you i want to give him credit he's probably not listening but i do want to give him credit for laughing at the joke if you're like me jordan i don't know what you're i i don't know what you do in a big social situation this is what i tend to do Like if I'm going to meet like a bunch of people that Teresa knows that I don't know or something like that, I tend to be really quiet. And then I'll like make jokes. I'll only make jokes.

I won't use a joke voice. There'll be really little jokes. And then if whoever doesn't laugh i'll decide that i hate them you start the judgment yeah i'll just like to make again i'll just make a little joke and the part of the test is for nervous jesse part of the test is do they do they perceive that this is a joke even though i'm not using joke inflection at all yeah like i'll just say it like this sure and i'm not saying anything else you see what i'm saying if they don't laugh fuck them that's my position wow i don't even care if it wasn't that good of a joke i mean it's me it's probably not that great of a joke it's probably just a serviceable joke you know sure

i'm funnier than most people you'd meet at a party. Here's where it goes south for me, is I'm fine not making a joke until someone either brings up that I do comedy or I'm forced to say that, you know, my job has a certain comedic element to it. And then I feel pressured. Then you feel like you've got to put on the wig. Sometimes it's not even warranted. Do you bring a wig to parties?

Yes. Okay. Do you bring, like, the Superman outfit or just in case? I bring a wig. I bring a Tori. I bring a free-soiler. Okay. Do you bring like the Superman outfit or just in case? I bring a wig. I bring a Tori. I bring a free soiler. Gotcha. Oh, man.

See, jokes like that. Jokes like that are the kind of people you want to laugh at. Just sail over everybody's heads. You know what, Jordan? What? You know what I always say? Teachers. Who fucking needs them?

Yeah, right? If you have a love of lifelong learning like me, you don't even need teachers. Yeah, you just start learning. You know who I learn a lot from, Jordan? The streets. Juanita. Who's that? It's a lady in my Spanish class.

Spanish textbook? No, Juanita's a... I didn't even hear my character in the textbook. She's an obese, middle-aged African-American woman in my Spanish class. Yeah. She'll say something like, Now, hold on a minute what are

you all talking about oh it's spanish juanita gotcha we're speaking spanish spanish class she's like now y'all didn't explain that part of the thing she sounds like a delight oh man do i love juanita yeah i sit there in the class you know uh sandwiches in my class uh me and lonely sanders from the you look nice today uh former former guest on this program me and sanders will sit in there and and just we've decided juanita is the president of the class sure we've declared her president of spanish class yeah i mean there's sure sure there's a huge pacific islander guy with a bald head and a really deep voice who says everything completely wrong, and he's pretty good. He's almost the president.

He would be. He's like the vice president. In a normal class, Jordan, he would be the president of the class, but not with Juanita there. These are extraordinary circumstances. Juanita is such an amazing woman. And what's great about it, Jordan, is when she's completely baffled by what's going on, not only will she say it out loud really loudly, which is something that many of the older students in the class share. Yeah. The Spanish class, so at a community college.

So you're looking at three-quarters traditional community college students, your 19-year-olds looking to transfer to UC Irvine. But the rest of the class is kind of weird old people who talk too much. Yeah, yeah. Like in the context of the class, kind of weird old people who talk too much yeah yeah like in the context of the class not to their like the person sitting next to them they just answer the question the teacher's rhetorical questions and so on gotcha now but what's amazing is that juanita will say enthusiastically state her ignorance of what's going on in the class and just do it in the most pleasant way she's such a pleasant lady.

She'll just, you know, she'll just say, she'll just say, wait a minute. How are you supposed to pronounce an N-Yay? And she'll be like, oh, you guys, you boys know what you're doing. You boys are, you boys are wonderful. I'll be like, thanks Juanita. You you're number one sounds like a doozy i think she's gonna be the new cause because she has a love of lifelong learning that's good that's a good choice she has a love of lifelong learning a love of french tips uh and uh love of wearing a shirt with her name on it so that's the three characteristics that you lack

yeah she has a perspective too probably she's got a really strong perspective i'd say it's an urban perspective i've been meaning to get a perspective yeah you should think of getting a voice too yeah i should have thought about that unique voice like a unique like a clarion call that cuts through the fog the morass of contemporary words and ideas. That would be nice. I'm just throwing that out there. Yeah, that'd be good. I should be on top of this, you know?

Yeah. Well, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse going. And hopefully by the time we get back, Jordan will figure out, you know, what he wants to do, literarily speaking. Sure. Jordan, Jesse Go, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. You know, I'm not sure exactly how this happened, but I feel like a theme that's been coming up on this week's program so far is a love of lifelong learning.

Well, it's because you're shoving it down my throat consciously. That's probably why that theme just happens to come up every four seconds. It's because you're forcing open my jaw and ramming your big, chunky fist full of that theme in it. And the audience, too. Have you ever heard the expression chiaroscuro? No, I haven't. It's an Italian word meaning the light and the dark. It's something that you would use to describe, for example,

how one does effective stage makeup or how someone uses lighting in a black and white photograph, the way that the lightness brings out the darkness and vice versa, that without that contrast, nothing really pops. Do you understand what I'm saying here? I guess what I'm saying here is that saying here okay i guess what i'm saying here is that the that as people listen to this show sure they recognize my love of lifelong learning and the absence of a love of lifelong learning in you the sort of no i know yeah i'm just a fat minded yeah fat minded you know what i mean dumb smelly sure gay yeah got it yeah i mean gays no one hates learning more than gays except unless it's the chinese oh yeah the chinese hate to learn i'll tell you that right now so continue there's a theme sorry i got I got freaked out. I got freaked out, Jordan. I got freaked out. I'll bring you up to speed. Max FunCon.

Okay. You know about Max FunCon already. I do. Are you getting excited? I'm getting a little bit excited. Some might call it premature. Yeah, since it is eight months away. Yeah.

Seven months away. But yeah, I'm trying to, you know, dole out little spoonfuls of excitement to my excitement center. There are people who follow the blog, who listen to Jordan Jesse Go. They follow the blog. They get the email message updates. They post on the forums. Those people probably know what MaxFunCon is.

Sure. They might even be tired of it by now. But thousands and thousands of people listen to Jordan Jesse Go who don't do all of those things. So I feel like we should bring them up to speed on max fun con yeah it's a weekend of awesome june 12th through 14th sure here in beautiful sunny southern california in the mountains of san bernardino san berdu san berdu as they call it exactly lake arrowhead the beautiful lake arrow. Is that a spring break destination? I mean, I guess I would know better than you would, being from Southern California,

but it seems like maybe it's a place that would be a spring break destination. It could be a spring break destination. It could be a destination for people who love the outdoors. Okay. Outdoors lovers would love Lake Arrowhead. People who love maximum fun might love Lake Arrowhead, particularly June 12th through 14th 2009 yeah here's what we got lined up for maximum fun con this is the first ever con we've ever put

on yeah well we've done some we've done some short grifts right but this is the first and the long con this is the first long con we've put on sure um this is like fake casino big oh yeah no absolutely this is by the way fyi we're going to be filming the sting 3 there yeah yeah it's this it's the sequel to the sequel i call paul newman shit aha you have to be robert redford fuck me yeah you gotta be on top of that you gotta call paul newman i'm gonna be fucking jacking off on my shitty independent film festival. Oh, yeah. While you're busy drinking all the salad dressing you can drink. Mm-hmm. Okay. In individual McDonald's packets.

The things that are happening at MaxFunCon. It's educational. Mm-hmm. It's entertaining, Jordan. Wow, both, huh? Here's some of the people who are going to be performing their jokes and laughs and other various good times. We got Maria Bamford, the legendary bammer. Sure. Jordan and me, we're going to be doing a jokes and laughs and other various good times we got maria bamford the legendary bammer sure jordan and me we're going to be doing a jordan

jesse go live yeah our buddies from you look nice today they're going to be doing you look nice today live uh never not funny they're going to be doing never not funny live three live podcasts three live podcasts we've got a stand-up comedy show here's who's in the stand-up stand-up comedy show the bammer maria bamford tig not, the hilarious Tig Notaro, who you might know from the Last Comic Standing. You might know her as Officer Tig from the Sarah Silverman program. She was on Dog Bites Man once. She's really, really funny, though. We've got a music show.

Here's who's in the music show. Mr. Jonathan Colton. How about this? Hard and Firm. Yowza. That's about as good a music show. Mr. Jonathan Colton. How about this? Hard and Firm. Yowza. That's about as good a music show as you can get, right? That's much better than, say, Pink Floyd and Radiohead together. Yeah, whatever.

Snooze. All right, guys. The song has been going on for five minutes. Time to wrap it up. For God's sake, leave those kids alone. Sure. You know what I mean? Plus, we've got this educational stuff uh we've got uh the

boing boings are going to be there yeah we've got uh what are the what are the boing boings have to teach us uh where they're going to teach us about uh wonderful things they're going to teach us about wonderful things because that's their speciality gotcha um we've got uh charlie todd from improv everywhere is going to teach us all about how he does improv everywhere. We've got Merlin Mann is going to teach us this amazing thing about doing creative work. We're going to hear from Mr. John Hodgman, who you might have heard of. The listeners might know him as Judge John Hodgman. Sure.

Basically, my objective was to create the greatest weekend of my life. If other people enjoy it, that's great. Bully to them. And Jordan, I was worried that you wouldn't have a good time because i know you have a hard time having a good time unless you've been drinking sure so i invited dr cocktail no dr cocktail dr cocktail his real name is ted haig not only is he the proprietor of the internet cocktail, but he's also the world's foremost expert on old-timey cocktails, Jordan. Wow. Here's what he's going to do. He's preparing a special punch for the reception.

Okay. It's based on a punch prepared for the 1893 Columbian Exposition. Wow. I swear to God, I'm not making this up. He's going to prepare this punch for us then saturday night big party time he's going to make five special old-timey cocktails wow five magical cocktails that you can only get at max fun con or in the past man is going to be really sweet are these like cocktails for people who don't like the taste of booze i I'm going to guess that he's going to offer a variety of cocktails.

I'm going to guess that there's going to be some with some kind of weird booze in them. And I guess there's some that are going to be fruity. And I'm going to guess that there's some that are going to be flavorful. What do they call that? They call that aromatic. Aromatic is what they call a boozy cocktail. Like it's herb infused or boozy cocktail. Sure. Like it's herb infused or something like that.

Sure. This isn't that kind of bullshit cocktail where it's like, you know, we take a sprig of rosemary and rub it on our butts, and then we pour some gin down our back and through our butt crack and put it into a thing of premium vodka. This is old-timey stuff. You know, if you fill a Brita pitcher full of premium vodka. This is old-timey stuff. You know, if you fill a Brita pitcher full of cheap vodka, it comes out as Grey Goose.

Oh, I've heard that. That's fascinating. From assholes. Yeah. Assholes will tell you that. Anyway, I just wanted to make sure everybody was appraised about MaxFunCon because there's only 100 slots and about two-thirds of them are already gone.

So if people want to do MaxFunCon, it's MaxFunCon.com. And the registration, it's just like a whole, you just pay one thing and then it's done. We have food. Me and Chris, the intern, went up there and ate the food and it was great.

Great. You get a place to stay. It's just really beautiful up there. It's going to be really wonderful. And it's kind of like rock and roll fantasy camp you know so jordan how much would be too much to pay to hang out with lonely sandwich the lonely sandwich wow i'll give you a hint this is going to be like a dave situation where someone who just looks like lonely sandwich you know the You know, the movie Dave with Kevin Kline. Well, it is and it isn't, Jordan. I mean, it will actually be Lonely Sandwich,

but Lonely Sandwich will sing the song that goes, Hail to the chief, he's the one we all say hail to. We all say hail to him because he is so clean. From the movie Dave. Sure. Well, good. So it is going to be like Dave in that sense. Is Charles Grodin going to be there? Yeah, absolutely.

Man, wouldn't it be awesome if Charles Grodin was going to be there? Fuck, man. Did I ever tell you about the time I met Charles Grodin? I don't think I want to go anymore. One time I met Charles Grodin. How'd that go? He was real Charles Grodin-y. Oh, I bet.

Real grumpy. I bet. Real grumpy. Yeah, it was amazing. Anyway, maxfuncon.com is where it is on the interwebs, and we'll stop talking about it and get back to more entertaining matters. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Have you ever seen the show Mind of the Married Man? No. Neither have I. i don't need to because you're a married man now yeah wow man that's that's cross half an hour off your tv schedule all i have to do is look into my own mind yeah jordan what did you think of the wedding i had a beautiful wedding really good time at the wedding yeah it was really nice i thought it was uh the ceremony wasn't too long it was very short ceremony maybe maybe unintentionally short yeah well we had the ceremony at this at this intentionally short unintentionally unintentionally lovely lovely

church that i used to go to as a child saint john's episcopal in the mission district in san francisco beautiful church and uh theresa's father this is one of these lefty Episcopalian churches, the ones that let gays do whatever they want. And there's a mural of Malcolm X on the wall, right? No, that's a different church. I went to it. Okay. But yeah, pretty close. There may as well be. Yeah, there may as well be. And so they said we could have anybody officiate the ceremony we wanted to. Now, Teresa's grandfather is a judge, semi-retired, but he still serves in Marin County from time to time as he's needed. He's a judge, so he has the power to marry people. He's a wonderful, kind man.

He actually married Teresa's parents some 30 years ago. So we thought it would be really wonderful if he conducted the ceremony and it was however there were a few hiccups along the way sure he forgot to introduce things at the beginning just kind of jumped right into it

that was fine just started doing the wedding that was fine we were ready for it forgot to do the readings we did have two friends who were going to do readings. They had prepared readings for us. Readings of what? Poems?

Yeah, poems. Yeah, some nice poems. John Donne. Oh, okay. You know what I mean? Like a beautiful, beautiful old-timey. Pastoral. A lovely poem about love.

Sure. Nature of love. He skipped those. Yeah, just didn't. Didn't mention them. Yeah. also called me steve a bunch of times yeah in the wedding i'd say what three times yeah yeah i think i think what was going through everybody's head is is that the name of one of theresa's old boyfriends yeah maybe the last boyfriend before he became senile or something. I know he's not actually senile, but for the casual wedding attender.

It would have been nice if he had, I think if he had introduced himself and explained that he was Teresa's grandfather at the beginning of the ceremony, people would have been brought into what was happening a little bit more. As it was, I think, back in business, brian lane asked me who is that crazy old man who conducted your ceremony sure i said oh that's theresa's grandfather um people couldn't didn't know if he was a priest i mean he was wearing judicial robes he was so i think it would be but it does not that unlike a priesty robe in some ways um but steve is actually theresa's dad's name and uh since he had married them some many years, I think it was just a slip of the tongue a few times. I was trying to decide as I was standing up there, is this something I should say something about? Yeah, Teresa corrected him, right?

Yeah, Teresa corrected him. I didn't want to be. Like, hey, dude. Yeah, it seemed weird. Correction. dude yeah it seemed weird uh correction also he's basically the kindest sweetest man in the like he's so epically kind and sweet that i kind of just i just wanted to enjoy it i was uh yeah that was so funny man it was so funny it was like the funniest thing he could have said and like he says like you you Teresa and you Steve.

It's just like a classic name to miscall somebody for some reason. And I was like. He might as well have just called me boner. Yeah, right? And you Flash. I was up there. I was in the wedding party. So I always had to stand up there.

And I had a really tough time not laughing out loud. I mean, I legitimately made a face and then looked around for other people. No one else was making a face. Yeah. I felt like a jerk. Yeah. I mean, and that's good. I think I may have gave a get a load of this look to the wedding crowd

and got nothing in return. Nothing but reverence. I think some of the people there were Teresa's cousins, aunts and uncles they were wondering if my name was steve sure because i don't know you don't know me that well it's not you know it's they don't know me that well they all started running it uh running out to their cars to change the cards yeah the wedding gifts exactly but what it was so i'll tell you you know you get married it happens so fast I mean especially when

sure you skip a bunch of the parts eight minutes yeah ten minutes it happens so fast I mean it was just so beautiful I just you know

you're just sitting there and you're just full of love right you know what I mean you're bursting just all these many years of love coming to fruition you know

you come in your pants sure I didn't that's yeah sorry, you come in your pants. Sure. I didn't. That's. Yeah. Sorry. Typically one comes in their pants. Yeah.

If they're not impotent. Exactly. But I. So. I am. Yeah. And thanks for bringing that up, Jordan. No problem, man.

Right. You probably don't want to talk about the honeymoon then. Oh, God. Not name. I've never been so consistently shamed. Yeah. You probably don't want to talk about the honeymoon then. Oh, God. Honeymoon. I've never been so consistently shamed. Yeah. So powerfully and consistently shamed.

Oh, Christ. Frequently shamed. Oh, Jiminy Christmas, Jordan. Yowza. It was a nightmare. Yowza, yowza. But what a pleasant time. Don't you think that was just great? Yeah, it was great.

The reception was super fun. All the buds were there. All the buds were out in full effect. Everybody was dancing and having a great time. My buddy CJ was DJing. He did just a wonderful job. Now, I'm told. Yes.

I'm told toward the end of the night, and I remember this kind of, remember this kind of uh me and uh the big time gino neal took some pictures in the photo booth you had a digital photographer there we had two photographers one taking candid photographs and one who had set up a photo booth for people to take whatever kind of photograph they wanted in yeah anyways i was told that me and Big Time Geno Neal took some shirtless pictures in the photo booth, but I did not see them on the website. I'm guessing they removed them because they were inappropriate. I think they didn't want to make those public.

However, I do have a digital versatile disc full of 1,000 images, among which I am sure are the photographs of you and Big Time Geno Neal bearing your bosoms to the world. What were the circumstances? You guys were pretty wasted. Yeah, I remember us looking at each other and saying,

I dare you to take your shirt off. I dare you to take your shirt off. Take it off, you pussy. And then we did. It was one of those situations. I heard that everybody went out after the reception was done. I didn't. Too drunk.

Oh, too drunk. I just had Dan Grayson drive me back to the hotel. Yeah, well, fair enough. Yeah. Oh, I also hear me and Gene wrestled and knocked over a pot. Yeah, and broke it. Broke some stuff. Broke some stuff.

Much to the horror of the assembled parents. Yeah. But you know what? You had a great time. Yeah. It was a lot of fun. Broke some stuff, much to the horror of the assembled parents. Yeah. But you know what? You had a great time. Yeah. It was a lot of fun. We had bubblegum cigarettes.

It's no donks, Jordan. Yeah. And of course, as people know. You know what? I didn't even miss them. Yeah. Didn't even miss the donks. It was such a pleasure. Did you have some good tacos?

Yeah, I did. It's delicious tacos. Yeah, nice tacos. We just had a lot of fun. Me and Teresa went out to the Ritz-Carlton Half Moon Bay. We stayed at the Ritz-Carlton. They gave us a rose petal turndown. That's where they sprinkle rose petals on your bed after they make it.

It's pretty annoying, actually, because then there's rose petals everywhere. It's nice to see when you come in, then there's rose petals in your bed. You're trying to make love to your new wife, and she's got rose petals in her vagina. Yeah, I mean, the good news is that the marriage had been consummated by the time we made it to the reception, so. Oh, gross, dude. Gross. Gross.

You made it, Jordan. Jordan, you made a really wonderful uh speech at the reception oh thanks and i thank you for that and uh i think i thought the speech of the reception award went to my baby brother uh who basically started crying in his speech which was really touching given that he is an enormous 18 yearyear-old. Yeah. With a very deep voice like mine. Sure. A giant, giant young man with a baby face. Big hands, small head.

Yeah, just crying like a baby, talking about how much he loved the two of us and how happy he was to become part of Teresa's family. That's great. Isn't that nice? Mm-hmm. So there you have it, you fuckers who complained

about how we didn't talk enough about the wedding. Yeah, fuck you. Fuck you assholes. There, we talked about it. Thanks a lot for taking an interest in me, dipshits. Yeah, and I know we kind of agreed

we're going to have a little moratorium on, not a moratorium, just a pure lockdown on maybe talking about some of the specifics of the bachelor party. But if you will permit me to say, Jesse did not, everybody's been wondering about this, if you broke your no drinking rule.

Yes. You did not break your no drinking rule unless you were sneaking something in a bathroom that I didn't know about. No, I wasn't. Which would be a heck of a way to break your uh yeah break your nose like well i'll just go into the bathroom yeah drink this gin i never ever ever drink uh but i do have a bottle of gin taped underneath the uh the lid of my toilet bowl right yeah you just give it a little look give it a little point just in case exactly uh yeah and you did a and you did a great job uh

of being lecherous yeah i have we had a lot of fun absolutely we did a great job of being lecherous. Yeah, we had a lot of fun. Absolutely. We had a great time. It was great pals, great friendship. Man, that was some good pals. That was just a solid group of pals. Isn't friendship great?

Yeah, and might I say that the only one of the You Look Nice Todays who showed up was Scott Simpson. I think everybody wanted to come, but just travel arrangements. Circumstances. That dude can get the party started oh what a party guy gives energy he's not one of these energy sucks he's a giver he's a giver absolutely he gives everything anything you want scott simpson will give it to you that was nice everybody there was like sufficiently ready to party like everyone had agreed not to, like, complain. And nobody was weird. And be, like, into it.

Nobody was weird. Nobody partied so much that it was weird. No. That was another nice thing. Like at the wedding where me and Gene broke all that stuff. Yeah, exactly. Oh, man. We have fun, huh, Jordan?

Yep. Okay, well, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I want to go to the phones in just a second, but can we take a moment for a public service announcement? Absolutely. It's a serious public service announcement. It's not a joke public service announcement.

Yeah. God knows those are going around. I mean, you hear a lot of joke public service announcements on this show, on other shows, et cetera, et cetera. I want to take this opportunity for a serious public service announcement. Sure. I had a big family gathering this past weekend. Went down to the old folks folks home where my grandmother lives. She's in her 80s. I had a minor heart attack recently, but seemed to be in very good health

and spirits. All of my dad's family came together there. It was really a wonderful, nice experience. And I was talking to my cousin, his wife. His wife has been getting migraine headaches. She didn't want to go to the doctor because she said, hey, everybody gets migraine headaches. Lots of people get them. It's not a big deal. But then she's like crying with pain. Sure.

If you get chronic headaches, if you're a person out there who gets chronic headaches, go to the doctor. They'll help you out. The doctors have pills to give you. They're not just painkillers. They're pills that can really actually help you out the doctors have pills to give you they're not just painkillers they're pills that can really actually help you i know i take pills for this if you think i haven't been very funny on this week's program it's because i took my pill earlier oh yeah um but

my point is like you're in the pill zone right now exactly but i mean in all sincerity kiss me a few times it's something that people usual it's it's something that people often think they don't have to go to the doctor for, or they shouldn't go to the doctor for, or that there's nothing that the doctor can do. This is in 1965. There's lots of stuff the doctor can do, and they want to help you. So go to the doctor for that. Now, can we go to the telephones? Sure. Speaking of the telephone that you may be able to hear ringing in the background. Hey Jordan, Jesse, this is Allison from California. I found your podcast about six months ago and I finally got all the way caught up and I love the show and you guys are

great. Two things, Jesse, I love the Bunny Calendar. I think you should keep it. And Jordan, it is adorable when you get to host, but it is horrifying when you talk about porn. Horrifying. That's it. Keep up the good work. Bye.

Horrifying? Is that what you talked about the whole time? You guys just, I left and you guys just talked about pornography the whole time. Yes. Horrifying, huh? I guess maybe she should have just expected that yeah i didn't i don't i didn't talk about it i'm the one who makes it way i'm the one who's always making inappropriate jokes sure but i guess i'm really i wanted to have a serious discussion about you know masturbating i was gonna say erotica i have a big erotic art collection jordan has a lot of erotic

novels about vampires and paintings i make of scenes in them also cosplay i got that too oh jordan it's it's really isn't it nice when people call in to say how adorable it is when you host? I feel like that's patronizing. I'm still, I mean, yes, it's nice. You're the professional. It's nice to hear a girl say something you do is adorable. But this sounds like, I feel like this is high school and she's calling me because, you know, she hasn't heard from her boyfriend in three days and uh she wishes he could be more like me you know yeah i feel like it's one of those i feel like it's that kind of adorable no i don't like it fuck it fuck it you know what i'm not yeah i'm a

professional i get paid for it you you need to you need to stand up and be counted more often i should i think you need to stop taking bullshit from bullshit listeners who are calling in to say fucking smelly listeners who say you're adorable. You drop bullshit character assassinations like calling you adorable. You know what I mean? I know. Now's the time to drop the hammer, Jordan. Yeah, I will not stand for this any longer. I will not let the liberal media assassinate me like they assassinated sarah palin jordan what max fun

con is coming up in june of 2009 yeah let's say a lady who thinks you're adorable registers for maximum fun con would you be willing to fight her at the convention. Yes. Okay. Then it's settled. Done. Pistols at dawn, lady. Problem solved. Pistols at dawn. Hello, this is the newly ordained Reverend Joel in Binghamton. As far as Jordan's question about when you should find out if the girl has a boyfriend

already, I suggest doing it before you sleep with her, because trying to maintain a plutonic relationship after is a little bit awkward. I speak from personal experience. I did want to make another comment. If you happen to meet a girl in a kind of pick-up-y sort of way, like at a bar or in any sort of place, like just where it seems like, you know, the pickup kind of thing should be happening, and they have a boyfriend or just want to be friends

or they are looking for just friend kind of relationships, this is not the type of girl you want to be friends with. It's not the, like, you have a friend who happens to be a girl who you do stuff with. No, this is the type of girl who will treat you like a boyfriend, except for you get none of the benefits emotionally, physically, or otherwise. And they will usually sabotage any relationships that you tend to have and will never set you up with friends, like set you up with their friends or anything like that.

I could be being bitter and angry because I've dealt with this before, but, meh. You know what? What? I let Casey, the intern... Oh, hello, I'm stretching my calves. He really is stretching out his calves. It's kind of gross, to be honest with you.

Look at my shorts. He's not wearing shoes. He's stretching out his feet up in my face. Yeah, I got some bad eczema on the bottom there, too. Oh, boy. What was that about? That guy, I'm sorry. Yeah, I didn't, I didn't, I mean.

I think he was complaining about the same thing you were. How about this? What? You fight this guy. You fight Reverend Joel. Oh, yeah, this guy. Reverend, I wonder what that was. I wonder if he's, he's got that life church certificate.

Yeah. I hate it when people talk about it. I'm sick of hearing about that. Yeah, it's the, yeah, I'm a minister on the internet shut up everyone can marry people every yeah it's like a trick to getting people to make out at a party when they're drunk like yeah i'm gonna marry you guys nope you know that's all fine and good but like like everyone does that shut up about it yeah don't tell me about it yeah you can talk you know what you can talk about here's some bullshit you can talk about getting your own ben and & Jerry's ice cream flavor.

When you get your own Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor, then you can talk about it at parties. Hey, I got my own fucking Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor. Let's say you're Wavy Gravy. You can just come up and be like, hey, I got my own fucking ice cream flavor. Yeah, and then you ride away on your unicycle. Exactly.

I don't mean to be aggressive towards the course today. He seemed nice enough. I didn't want to like, I didn't want to, when we started talking about that topic, I didn't want to incite, you know, nerdy guy, rage at girls. That's not what we were trying to do. Jordan, I think we should move out of the question taking portion of this program. Move into something much more important. Something that you might even call momentous. Oh, okay.

Now, Casey the Intern screened our calls for us this week. This call is labeled momentous occasion, kind of awesome. Oh, so you haven't listened to these? This is kind of a grab bag. Yeah, this is a grab bag. Sight unseen. Screened by Casey the Intern. Casey the Intern took this on as a project this week.

This one is labeled, kind of awesome, very creepy. Okay. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, go. I just wanted to call in on a moment's occasion. In the past week, I've had five threesomes, and it's been really great. The first four were my girlfriend and another girl I'm really attracted to. And the last one was with my girlfriend and another girl that I'm really attracted to. So it's thumbs up all around.

Thanks, guys. He's making that call on his cell phone, it sounds like. You think he's in the jogging in the park yeah it sounds like he's in the middle of some sort of strenuous activity probably another threesome oh hello hello you wanna what do you want on your pizza mike bell peppers okay here's here's here's my thing uh a good for you yeah uh b here's the here's the element of the three-way that i'm interested in i don't really care i'm sure i'm glad you had it that's nice and you know you know your girlfriend sounds like a champ, God bless her. But I don't, right now, kind of what I'm curious about. Specifically, she's a five-time champ. Sure.

Right, go ahead. It's like Mark Spitz. Yeah. Here's what I'm interested in. I want to hear about group sex logistics. I want to hear about, like, what do you do beforehand? Like, what do you do afterwards? Does everybody just lay in bed and watch a movie? That's usually what happens after sex, right? I mean, so does all three of you just lay in bed? Do you go home? Where do you set this up? Where do you, you know do all kinds of crazy sex stuff as much as you wanted. Now, I'm not saying that by no means do all gay men do this.

Not at all. I was probably not even a majority of gay men. But it's on the table. The slope to getting to crazy sex thing is not as steep. Oh, it's absurdly, it's absurdly, it's a fucking walk in the park to get to crazy sex thing. And you might do something that you regret later or something like that. So maybe it's worse. But there's times when you just think, man, that would be neat.

Yeah. You know, because you're a dude, you're always trying to convince ladies to do it with you. You know what I mean? Or trick them. Yeah. Convince or trick. But a dude and another dude, they automatically both want to do it a lot. They both have low standards, because a dude has low standards.

You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. So, like, it's just way easier. I don't know. Yeah. Okay. Sure. And I mean, but obviously, and I don't want to discount there's moral issues involved which you one would have to wrestle with and i'm saying i'm not saying that i'd want this i'm saying i've considered it because it just opens up the field

it opens up your options yeah you see what i? What? Does that make sense to you? I kind of lost you. I'm not. You lost me. I'm just trying to make the distinction between me wanting to go do crazy sex stuff, because I'm pretty sure I don't want to do all this crazy sex stuff. Yeah. I'm pretty, I'm happy with my sex stuff. 80%, 90%.

Yeah. But if I was a gay dude. Sure. If at any point I changed my mind, it's totally in the cards yeah you see what i'm saying now there's other things it's more it's more easy to transmit many sexually transmitted diseases you know there's a lot of there's pitfalls right see what i'm saying well i'm saying you know you might want to open up the door see what i'm saying are you trying to get me to have sex with you do you have a boner right now that's an unrelated it's not related to you i mean i

could see how this boner would be kind of misleading right no this is something else i guess this the whole thing was brought on by your boner oh yeah no i was just thinking about the latest episode of true blood on tonight i was just thinking about the latest episode of True Blood on tonight. I was just thinking about Entourage. Jordan has an unbelievable erotic imagination. Well, vampire-based. Mostly vampire-based. He's got some VHS bootlegs of dark shadows, so we're going to have to call this a day a little early.

It's funny that you mentioned that you have this really vibrant, erotic life based around vampires. Same thing with me, only it's wolf men. Oh, interesting. Yeah, and Frankensteins. Any of the universal monsters. Yeah. Including Chucky.

This includes Chucky as well. Hi, this is Reed in Texas. I'm driving south on I-45, and I just saw a billboard that says, please stop the porn and be reborn. Done. Fine. We're in.

We're absolutely in. Let's have a clean momentous occasion. Yeah, right? Hey, JJ Goh. This is Ann from Sacramento, and Let's have a clean momentous occasion. Yeah, right? Hey, JJ Goh. This is Ann from Sacramento, and I'm calling for another momentous occasion. So happy I cut my dreads because I just got a job. Thank you very much. Have a nice day.

Also, because they were probably gross. Yeah. I'm guessing that Ann's a white lady. Sounds white. She sounds like a white lady. It's a full sign to try and guess ethnicity based on someone's voice. We could easily be wrong, but all signs point to white. She sounds like a white lady. It's a false errand to try and guess ethnicity based on someone's voice. We could easily be wrong, but all signs point to white. The main sign being that she's listening to this show.

Yeah. I think with an African-American person, there's a very convincing argument to be made in favor of wearing dreads. Sure. They can be clean. of wearing dreads. Sure. They can be clean. They can be beautiful. Sure. I'm very pro. I'm very pro.

On a white person, it's just gross. Because you have to actively make it gross in order to make it work. You know what I mean? We went to UC Santa Cruz. We talked about this. We've talked about white dreads before. Is this the same white dread lady, do you think? I don't know. Maybe she was calm.

She sounds like a really nice lady. I want to make that clear, too. No, no, no. Absolutely. And usually, most white people with dreadlocks are awesome and fun to hang out with. Really nice. What was that nice guy who worked at KZS who used to always bring us, like, raisin bread? Yeah.

Carob chips from the natural food store? His name was, like, Salty or something. Yeah. What a sweet fellow he was. Yeah. No, no. That's... The hairstyle is gross, but, I mean, you can usually count on white with dreads being like a real kind of fun.

If you're going to ask, like if you're lost in a town and you see a white person with dreads, that's probably the person I ask. I ask directions. Might not know where you're talking about. Yeah, might be confused. Yeah. Might be baffled. Hello, Jordan, Jesse Go. This is Matt, and I have a momentous occasion.

I just signed up for Twitter. However, I have decided to follow Jordan's tweets, but not Jesse's, in order to do my part in upsetting the balance of power. Thank you. Let the overthrow begin. Fuck. I am rallying my group of angry villagers, and we are going to storm the castle. We're going to storm Castle Thorn. Jordan, your twats versus my twats.

There's no contest. Yeah. Mine are going to dominate. No way. Come on. I'm twice the Twitterer you are. I'm going to be honest with you, Jordan. Your Twitters are better than mine.

Oh, yeah. I mean, if you're trying to decide whose Twitters to follow, Jordan's are better. They're consistently funnier. For some reason, you have a Twitter program where you have limitations on how many peopleitters to follow. Jordan's are better. They're consistently funnier. For some reason, you have a Twitter program where you have limitations on how many people you can follow. If you have to pick between one or the other, I mean, you're looking for good ones. This is the beginning of the end,

Thorne. But what I lack in quality, I make up for in enthusiasm. In exclamation points typed. Absolutely. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. This is Carrie from Austin, Texas. I just met Henry Winkler and high-fived him. And I have a picture, and I will send it to wherever it needs to go.

So that's my moment of occasion for today. Thank you. Bye. Fantastic. He's shorter than you would think in person. Is he? Very short, yeah. Tiny little man?

Absolutely. He seems like a real, yeah. Tiny little man? Absolutely. Seems like a real class act. Oh, he is. You ever seen him on a talk show or something? He just seems like the best guy in the world. He also is a big combatter of dyslexia. Oh. Yeah. Doesn't he own Hollywood Squares or something like that?

Isn't he a rich game show producer? I don't know. I think he is. I know that he writes children's books about how to kick dyslexia. God bless Henry Winkler, the Fonz. Right. Can we both agree? Hey!

There you go. And very funny in Waterboy as well. Good turn in Waterboy. Absolutely. Hi, JJ Go. I'm driving through northern Wisconsin, and I just saw a farm that was selling giant hamster wheels for dogs. So, and I kind of want to turn back and really look at them.

They actually had a dog running in one. So there you go. You think a dog likes that? Yeah, dogs like to run. In a hamster wheel? This is like a retriever of some kind. Coco likes that? Yeah, dogs like to run. You mean a hamster wheel? This is like a retriever of some kind. Coco likes running.

Yeah. Where did I put one of these wheels? It seems like it would be a fair-sized wheel. Yeah. I'd find a place for it. Okay. Yep. Northern Wisconsinites, let's do this.

Go get a dog wheel. Buy one for me and send it to me. Yeah. Oh, that would be cool if you could also run in it with your dog. Yeah, absolutely. That would be fun. Yeah. There's a human one that would support the weight of a human.

Yeah. Okay, Jordan. Yeah. I have a new action item for people. Yes. It's been a while since we had a really good action item. Okay. Here's what it is.

I don't know if you've heard about this, but it's campaign season. Yeah. Now, the Republican candidate for president is as a war hero john mccain sure the democratic candidate for president is uh terrorist barack obama oh you know the word you're thinking of is young upstart right sorry excuse me young upstart yeah young turk political upstart i think i confused young turk yeah. The Turks are terrorists, if I'm not mistaken. Young Jock. Yeah, I was thinking of Young Jock. That's what it is.

This whole time I'm thinking of Young Jock, the rapper. Y-U-N-G-J-O-C. Yeah. Young Jock. Were you thinking at all of Lil' Weeziana? Mm-hmm. Yeah. I figured you might be.

By the look in your eyes, I thought, that guy's thinking about Louisiana. Mm-hmm. You know. So it's campaign season, Jordan. Sure. So far, there's two major candidates. There's countless minor candidates, such as Ralph Nader, an honorable man, a very boring. Bob Burr.

Oh, yeah. A creepy, ultra-conservative man. Mm-hmm. There's a lot of choices out there. You see what I'm saying? Sure. Who is your presidential choice? Who is your presidential candidate choice?

However, Jordan. Yeah. Proviso. No politicians. No politicians. They cannot be a politician. We're throwing out the Washington fat cats. We're kicking them to the curb. Sorry, fat cats there's there's fresh blood we're bringing change to

washington yeah and and just generally speaking no one with any political perspective i don't i don't want people to call in and tell me john stewart either yeah not hearing john stewart yeah i don't want to i don't know you talk to somebody i don't know that anybody would suggest michael mo Moore these days. Yeah, you can't suggest Michael Moore. I saw him on CNN giving his thoughts about the stuff. And he was, honest to God, in a bowling alley. That's where he shot his interview.

He was in a bowling alley. Oh, my gosh. Just to prove how super blue-collar he is. Oh, I hate that. You're super rich, he is oh i hate that you're super rich michael moore you're so rich get a haircut wash your hair john mccain's plans would put these guys behind me out of work did he say that yeah it's like it was just like super exploitative do you feel like do you feel like he thinks that if blue-collar people made millions of dollars in the film and television industry, that they would continue to be really, really dirty? Does he feel like blue-collar people are dirty to begin with? Hard to say.

He certainly is. Yeah. Okay. But our opinions of Michael Moore, whose TV show TV Nation was very funny 15 years ago. Aside, your candidate for president and a succinct, succinct argument on that candidate's behalf. If you do not keep it succinct, you're in deep doo-doo with me. I got a new catchphrase, Jordan. Keep it succinct. Keep it succinct, you're in deep doo-doo with me. I got a new catchphrase, Jordan. Keep it succinct.

Keep it succinct. If it's not succinct, you're out the window. Okay, we'll be back in just a second. If it's not succinct, you're going to get thrown in the clink. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you

Jordan Jesse Goh I'm Jesse Thorne America's radio sweetheart Jordan Morris boy detective uh Jordan we're wrapping things up. Sure. Another wonderful program in the books. Yep. We've got an action item this week. Who's your presidential candidate? And a succinct argument in favor of that presidential candidate.

Just a reminder, no Beltway insiders. No Beltway insiders, no bullshit activists. I don't hear about your activist judges that you want to run for president i don't hear about william rehnquist cindy sheehan has no place on this podcast absolutely not we're looking for your presidential candidates um also jordan i am going i would i am getting a feeling recently that Max Fun Con is the greatest event of which I am capable. One time, you know Daniel Dan Grayson,

our good friend, he wrote the theme music for The Sound of Young America. I asked him what he'd been up to lately. We had gone out to a movie or something. And he said, the greatest artistic project of which I'm capable. That's what he told me.

Yeah. It involved a multimedia art project he was working on. He said it was the greatest thing of which he was capable. Okay. That's how I feel about Max Funcon right now. Bold. We'll see how it works out, of course. Oh, also, if you call to describe any more threesomes, don't just tell us that you had them.

I want to know like a play-by-play. I was about to say blow-by-blow, and then I'm like, people are going to think I'm making a pun. I didn't want to. Don't be sexy about it. What we're looking for is what went wrong. Very clinical. We want to know what went wrong, mostly.

Something funny happened. We're not interested. I mean, it's great that you had a threesome. That's great and everything. It's fine. We're proud of you and everything. But we want to take you had a threesome. That's great and everything. It's fine. We're proud of you and everything. But we want to take you down a peg. Sure.

So let's hear about what goes wrong. We don't want to hear about what goes right. Yeah. Because we've never done that stuff. Nope. You know? We're never going to, probably. Yeah.

I'm too fat. Yeah, exactly. I'm married. Sure. Balding. A lot of shit's in the way. Yeah. So we're not trying to live through you. A lot of hurdles to jump over.

We're not trying to live through you. We're trying to justify our own. Sure. We're trying to know why we would never want to do it. And also, don't tell me an emotional story about why I crippled you emotionally because it ruined your relationship with someone. No, that might be funny. That's another thing.

That might be funny. You think so? Yeah. You don't just think it would be sad? someone. No, that might be funny. That's another thing. That might be funny. You think so? Yeah. You know this thing would be sad? Yeah. I sure want to get sad. Those things are funny. Okay.

Let's not get sad. Okay. Although, okay, Jesse apparently isn't concerned with logistics, but that's what I'm concerned with. No, that's what I'm saying. Logistics is where things break down. Well, I mean, even if it's fine, I just want to hear like, I just want like an itinerary. I want to hear what the itinerary was.

Okay. You mean like what time dinner was? Yes, absolutely. Or if somebody had to have a flag to show everybody where to go. Yes, I do. I want to hear specifics. I watched a documentary about. A quote unquote documentary.

Yeah, I watched a documentary about swingers. documentary yeah I watched a documentary about swingers very boring very boring documentary it's bad basically they spent the whole thing saying we're just like we're just like Joe and Jane average next door but there was one part where the fat old couple

was planning for the swinging party and they were wondering if they laid a mattress down in a certain part of the room, people would bang their heads on their speakers. They were wondering if they had to move the speakers or if they could just leave them where they were because they were worried about people banging their heads. It was too close to the mattress. That's what I want to hear about.

Gotcha. Right on board. I'm right here with you, Jordan. Yeah. And we'll be back next week, hopefully. Sorry for the infrequency of episodes recently. There's been a lot of travel going on. A lot of travel on both our parts. But we're here for you, guys.

Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design. It is available on the compact disc. The best of The Free Design from Light in the Attic Records. Thank you to the free design from Light in the Attic Records. Thank you to the free design and Light in the Attic Records. People keep calling me to tell me how buying that CD changed their life because it made them so happy. Just go out and buy that shit.

Also, people have been telling me, a friend told me about Jordan Jesse Go. I listen to every episode. Tell a friend about Jordan Jesse Go. Why not? Is that too much to ask, Jordan? Yeah. Tell a friend because they're notesse go why not is that too much to ask jordan yeah tell a friend because they're not going to just listen to some random podcast because most podcasts are

terrible have a dinner party put it on in the background if you when people say what's this ruining our dinner party yeah exactly it's jordan jesse go put it on a boombox play it in a library or a quad or a quad When someone tries to arrest you. If you're writing on your quad ATV. Write it. Turn it. Transcribe it. Turn it in instead of your term paper.

When your teacher fails you, raise a stink. Call the proper academic authorities. Say that they're racist. Exactly. It's about racism, people. It is about racism people it is about racism yep you look like you had something to say were you just working on something yeah no i was thinking about what i'm gonna do after this okay well we'll we'll talk to you later uh and see you online at maximumfund.org bye