Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 720: The Ultimate Friendship with Eliza Skinner

Episode Date: January 11, 2022

Eliza Skinner (Earth to Ned, Regarding My Lovers album) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of some hot new Star Wars info that's been leaked to the podcast about Boba Fett's past, Eliza's fraught but rewarding journey watching Ink Master, and of course the new JJGo mantra for 2022. Which 2022 slogan speaks to you? Call us with some examples!  206-984-4FUN or [e-mail]

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, the lore master. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, I've got some great news for you. Not yet, Eliza. Dammit, I forgot. Come on, she's an old, she's, come on, she's facing. I'm an old come on i can't learn new tricks and i kick a lot you guys restart i was gonna say an old friend i was gonna say an old friend

that said eliza you ain't what you used to be so um jordan well eliza skinner our guest on the program a comic comedy writer emmy winner is that correct yes emmy winner do you want me award winner hold on a second get the emmy get the emmy yeah she's getting the emmy she's good okay eliza's gonna go get her emmy eliza's dog is the only one still on the zoom whoa yeah the emmy was right there she has a real emmy the gold kind yeah i i keep it next to the tv to remind me that i love tv and tv loves me too great god bless you eliza skinner god bless you could you make the dog snuggle with the emmy he doesn't i think he feels like a sense of competition with the Emmy.

Oh, yeah. He's like, who's the real best friend? Sure. My cat always hisses at my Blockbuster Entertainment Award. My dog ate my cable lace. I know what you're wondering, Jordan. Why are you the lore master, Justin? I am wondering that

We're not usually in the business of breaking news Certainly not entertainment news But I have some really exciting news As you know, I'm one of the world's somewhat leading Star Wars experts Yes, yeah, yeah As we've established on this show you're a medium star wars guy and um always managed to get one or two star wars facts right when describing a star wars thing yeah i mean i i've watched the entire lightsabers right the star wars oh yeah yeah yeah i know everything from lightsabers to the mando-chlorian. And I've watched all the shows.

I've seen most of the movies. I haven't watched some of the shows, but I watched the mando-chlorian. I know all about that guy. And I know a lot about Boba Fett, which is great because it's Bobba fett season guys boba fett's on everyone's mind uh boba fett's books is on disney plus right now um it's the classic it's like reading rainbow it's boba fett read you a story you don't have to take my word for it i don't know what he talks like because he just stands there i just took a stab he just kind of stands there uh it's boba fett and and his friend um and they travel the desert

uh with their pig friends and attack their enemies right and dave pasquazy is there improv legend dave pasquazy but he has one of those snake heads like they have on star wars sometimes with the snakes coming out it's sort of like snoots or snakes combined you know what i'm talking about yeah i think i think the thing that you're that you left out is that the uh the pig they're thick. These daddies are very thick. Yeah, apparently the internet is interested in the thickness of the pig men. These aren't live like most pig men. Are they juicy? They're juicy, chonky.

They've got honky-tonk, madonka-tonk, Eliza. Oh, okay. All right. A littlea. Right. Okay. All right. Anyway, dump truck. Okay. Sure. A little dump truck for the rank core.

If you know what I'm saying, got me off a slice. Yeah. Our rank course millennials. Cause they will eat that ass. Yeah. I, um,

come on. I know that there's a lot of Star Wars fans out there and they love it when we break Star Wars news uh which we have done many times before yeah you're not gonna believe these pigments but who was it who was it

well let's just say it rhymes with schnobba the schnut oh my gosh was it globba the glut it was glob of the glut yes g the g baby um and uh i have a little star wars news to break it's an addition to the star wars canon uh this is one of the first additions to the star wars canon since the movie Han Solo. Mm-hmm. And it's really exciting. About masturbation, obviously.

Yeah. They dropped a lot of stuff from the Star Wars canon when Disney bought Star Wars or something. Only so much you can keep in a canon. Yeah. So now they're adding new stuff. And they're doing it primarily by leaking the stuff to our podcast. So if you're a Star Wars fan, you're going to want to hear this. I talked to Jon Favreau from the movie Swingers, and also George Lucas, the director of Red Tails.

Now, I'm wondering how many cast members of Swingers are now involved in Star Wars. You mentioned Jon Favreau, but is Big Bad Voodoo Daddy involved? Yeah, they got those snakes. They have squirrel neck zippers? Yeah. He got those snakes on there. I do think it was Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, Eliza.

Okay, fine. I don't mean to swing revival splain to you jordan lived in las filas at the time so he really there were a lot of people in the soundtrack but okay sure sure i'll give that to you um uh they they transitioned away from swing and now they play jizz that's the type of music from the music that That's real. That's a real thing. Yeah. Well, this is real too. This is 100% real because everyone is so excited about Boba Fett. And we're learning about, previously we did not know that much about Boba Fett's backstory. We knew that he was in-

Talking about dump trucks. Yeah. I mean, anything with those pig guys in it is a backstory. Am I right? Yes. Slice me off a piece. A back it up story. I'm sorry I keep interrupting, Jesse. Yeah, it's okay. It's okay. No in it is a backstory. Am I right? Yes. Slice me off a piece. A back it up story. I'm sorry I keep interrupting, Jesse.

Yeah, it's okay. It's okay. No, this is a bad bit anyway. Can't we continue to sexualize these pig men? Is that a better, should we just follow that? No, I got this other thing to derail the funny. It sounds like you're talking about all of my relationships, you know, sexualizing pig men.

Thank you. Question of heterosexuality so in one of the star wars movies uh empire strikes back or return of the sand creatures from the movie dune right and uh that was pretty much that's actually not right is that not correct no it's from beetlejuice thank you thank you right so uh we don't know that much about him. We know he's got this cool outfit. And of course, he was in the movie The Mandelchlorian. But they're starting to fill in his backstory. And according to this group text that I'm on with George Lucas, the director of American Graffiti, and Jon Favreau, who's friends with Jeremy Piven. And Vince Vaughn. And Vince Vaughn.

They wanted our listeners to know that Boba Fett... Are you guys on a Puffy Guys text chain? R.I.P. Gary Shandling. His number's still there. We just let him. We just let the messages bounce. You can't take him off the group text. It's too sad.

Anyway, the first really important information that they wanted us to know about Boba Fett is that he went to UMass Amherst. Oh. Yeah. So a lot of people. Probably into improv, I'm assuming. Yeah. Well, he did do some improv of people- Also probably into improv, I'm assuming. Yeah. Well, he did do some improv, but mostly he was into Greek life.

Oh. And his fraternity brothers gave him some nicknames. So anyway, long story short, George Lucas and Jon Favreau texted me a list of his college nicknames that is now canon. So you're going to just read the list?

I guess. I don't know. You guys can interrupt me with actual jokes if you want. No, only facts. We'll only be interrupting with cold, hard facts. Why don't you start? We'll just see how we feel. Well, you guys probably already know the main one that everybody knows.

You could even say it with me. Big boy Chonky. It's Bobby Farts. Everybody knows that Boba Fett in college was called Bobby Farts. That was in the Timothy Zahn novels. Right. Boy, I mean, it is just murder when you fart in that armor. Yeah.

Yeah, it bubbles up and around. It's really rough. At the very least, some of it's coming out the mask. A lot of it's just bending metal. It's bending metal in there. I had a Scion that just trapped my farts. Did I ever tell you guys about the time I farted in my car while I was driving my son Oscar to school and he cried? Wow.

That's true. No, you haven't. That's true. He had some sensory differences. Oh, man. I was just in Denver with my dog, staying with my boyfriend. He has two big Huskies. Things to do in Denver with your dog?

We're all in the car. Everybody's having diet changes. It was just constant whose fart was that the whole time. And these dog farts, oh boy, they're rich. They're meaty. The huskies are not used to drinking craft brews. Huskies are known for their farts, right? Huskies are known for talking.

They'll be like, I farted. So that way you can tell kind of when it's them. Right. But yeah, such a, uh, sorry. Anyway, that wasn't, there was no point to that. That was basically a Jesse bit, but I, I just wanted to tell you about my fart experience. A majestic dog. Bobby farts. Everybody knows about Bobby farts. Then, of course, there was Booby Fett, Boba Shit, Will Arnett, Butler Rett.

An odd one. That one's pretty complicated. Boba Fetted, Boba Fetta, Boba Fettuccine, Tin Man, Tin Can, Poor Iron Man, which is just like iron man is rich you know so when he was in college boba fett didn't have a lot of money he just had that outfit yeah what um what frat was he in alpha who is in delta omicron oh wait were you just calling me alpha when you said that were you responding saying alpha because i'm eliza you're eliza you're an alpha and i'm low t i suppose that is true we all we're all having we all have code names you're alpha jesse's low, and I'm, I don't know, the Cuck Master. Yep.

King Jackoff, that was one of them. That's just because he jacked off all the time. Boba Dipshit, Horny Bot. That was because he couldn't get laid. He looked like a robot. The Puny Bomber. That's because he carries around those bombs all the time. Captain Dipshit. Wait, now was he

Boba T and Boba Loti also or was that another guy? That was me. Okay, alright. At any point, when they were kind of riffing off Fett, did they do a thing where he was on an adult dating

website and they called him Boba Fett Life? Did that come up at all? They didn't have Boba Fett Life at the time, but they called him Boba Farmers Only for a while. Right. Just unrelated, just because he was on Farmers Only at the time. Was he a farmer? Was that him?

Yeah, sure. He could be on Farmers Only at the time. Was he at Farmers? Was that in? Yeah, sure. I think you can be on Farmers Only if you just are into farmers. He's friends with Luke Skywalker. That's true. Prominent moisture farmer. I think so, probably. Like in the same way that you go to a school

with somebody and you're quote unquote friends with them. Right, right, yeah. I think that if they met at a party where both of them didn't know a lot of people, like a Star Wars party or whatever, but you know, it's a Star Wars party and Princess Leia didn't show up and

Han Solo didn't show up and Chewbacca didn't show up and the robots didn't show up and then Luke Skywalker feels a little lonely. It's mostly just the Jizz guys. Then he would go hang out with Boba Fett because they know each other. They're friends. That's the kind of. Yeah. Captain Dipshit, Clone Bone, because he's a clone. Boba Reinhart, that's because his dad's name is Django. is Django.

Dipshit Jr., Mr. Soft Dick, and Rusty. You can kind of see why he became a bounty hunter. People were really shitty about his dick. And these were supposed to be his friends. These were supposed to be his brothers. That's what's wrong with the whole Greek system, especially of that era.

I don't know what it's like now, but just traditionally 80s, 90s, it was just so much about dick shaming. Yeah. Right. And having to prove your dick by being a bad person. Yeah. And then seeing how many pigmen you could fit into a phone booth.

Exactly. So that's the more, you know, fun sort of lighthearted stuff. Right. The 90s in Greek life were all about two things. The 90s in Greek life were all about two things. Number one, proving that you were like mask or whatever, that you were like tough enough. And then also the conflict in Cyprus. The two things that the Greek was important in Greek life.

Oh, Cyprus. There we go. I was like, did you mean Cyprus Hill? No, no. I mean, I think in the 90s in the Greek life, you probably listened to a lot of Cypress Hill. In the membrane? Yeah. Or like feeling like you're, no, I'm not insane in the membrane, but I am going insane and I got no brain. Maybe that was the rift.

No, it was just the rift between Greek Cypriots and Turkish Cypriots. Greek Cypriots and Turkish Cypriots. Well, this is very exciting for all the Star Wars fans out there, all the little warsies. So run to your little message boards and post all about that. I hope you wrote all that down because you're going to need it later. Eliza, I'm glad you're here on the show. Something came up on the show a couple weeks ago that made me think of you.

We were talking about people being really pretty. Yeah. We were listing all the prettiest people we knew. Okay, all right. And we all said your name at the same time. Oh my gosh. This is the best podcast. Then we said Cindy Crawford. Yeah. After me.

Good. That was Kathy Ireland. These are all the prettiest ladies. Then Jordan's mom. Come on, Jesse. God. What? Sharon's super pretty. Okay. Yeah. She does look good for her age looks good for any age

yeah but does she have her own clothing line at kmart no no what's it ross the ireland does um so uh jesse's one of jesse's kids has gotten into shark tank the show shark tank i i had this little period with shark tank you know kind of like height of covid stuff we're not leaving the house for any reason um you guys remember that right um it's where i would just like put on a shark tank and then play hades on the nintendo switch and just kind of let that like scrub my brain. And we were kind of talking about this kind of like brain scrubbing reality TV and like kind of wondering what the appeal of it is.

And I have seen you tweeting a lot over the past couple of weeks about the show Ink Master. That's the theme song maybe played by dave navarro there's no confirmation he is the the host it would be weird if he wasn't but it would also be weird if he was eliza it might have been played by dave navarro it might have been licensed by dave Navarro from a program music archive. Right. Yes. There are, there,

there is one season where you see him in, see someone in silhouette playing like a riff over it, over the, um, the opening credits. And I was like, that's Dave Navarro. And my boyfriend was like,

it's a dick. It's not. And then in the season finale of that season, he's in the hat as if to say, boom, it was me the whole time. Oh, the hat from the silhouette? Yes. Okay. But do you think it might have been Dave Navarro's body double?

Well, I mean, how could they book that guy? He must be so busy. With all the nude scenes Dave Navarro has to shoot. Yeah. No, there's no way he could have a body double doing nude scenes. There would be so much CGI work with the constantly evolving tattoos. Or that body double would have to be like a single white female style obsessive who gets all the same tattoos. Yeah, so I have been watching a lot of Ink Master.

It has taken over my life. Here's how it happened. I started at home. It showed up on Netflix and I was like, okay, sure. Netflix, give me a show that you're starting in season three of 13 and only give me two seasons of it. Why not? The world is crazy now. And I started watching it and I was like, this is trash, but I keep wanting to watch it again. But I was feeling bad about myself. You know, like, don't watch it, Eliza. It's bad. It makes you angry.

You're revisiting some of the heights of misogyny in a very misogynistic community. So the premise of this show is to see who can give the best tattoo, right? Yes. So it's a bunch of tattoo, especially at the beginning, a bunch of tattoo guys who are all like, I'm big and I don't mind my dad didn't hug me. You know, like that vibe, big time.

And then a couple of girls who are like, I'm comfortable in this outfit. No, seriously, I am. And that's sad also. But then when the girls are really good, these are the first few seasons when the girls are really good at the tattoos. Also, I'm saying girls because they only say girls on the show. No one has ever said woman on the show ever, which is bizarre. So when the girls do a good job at the tattoos, the guys are like, then um what's really weird is the dynamic between the men

and the women the men will be like hey you're a big turd to another man that man will be like oh yeah well you're an even bigger turd and then a woman will be like are you guys talking about people being turds and then they'll both cry and punch walls like the second that a woman gets into the, the like shit talking that they're doing, the men lose their minds. So that's the first few seasons. And I was like, I can't keep watching this. This is bad for me. I'm a bad person. And then I went to Denver to stay with my boyfriend for the holidays and told him about it. And he started watching it and he was like this is bad you shouldn't be watching this let's watch another episode and then we were watching a lot of it and then we started getting um fake tattoos to put on to watch the show and um then we started

showing it to his 12 year old daughter and then we're all like planning out our Halloween costume. What we're which what sketches we can do based on Ink Master. Like what? Wait, what? What Ink Master were you going to be for Halloween? Oh, I'm gonna be Oliver Peck, who is off the show now because blackface and not like, not like a lighthearted like, you know, some people are like, Oh, I fucked up. I was 12 years old. I was really into the jackson five and i i dressed up for halloween that's not the kind of blackface this dude did he did okay if you're interested you can google it it was how bad yeah um so he is like the full jolson it oh i can't i mean do you want no yeah we can we can yes people can yeah he made i'll tell you i believe you i believe you that it's bad he made up his own. I'll tell you. I believe you. I believe you that it's bad. He made up his own superhero. I'll tell you that.

Okay. And the name of the superhero involved a slur. Whoa. That's where. Wow. So he's not on the show anymore. So this wasn't even a music thing. This wasn't like he was touring our nation's music halls with opening for Babe Ruth or whatever.

Yeah. No, it wasn't like he had to. But he, so he has a big, crazy mustache and long hair, and he always has a toothpick in his mouth like this, and he's always like, well, I'll tell y'all, it's a good tattoo, but that's not the kind of tattoo that someone's gonna wanna wear for the rest of their life.

And so you just get, you're obsessively talking about everything this way. Like, you know, we would, he would, Andrew would make breakfast and be like, you just get like, i'm teaching his daughter about feminism through i mean she knows pretty well um but i'm like giving her tips based on us watching it and she's like how come they're so mean to tattoo baby and i'm like let's talk about it right let's talk about why they're so mean to tattoo baby kids Kids these days know a lot about feminism. They have TikTok, which teaches them about feminism and whether or not you have ADHD. Yes, and or autism.

TikTok tells me I have autism constantly. And I'm like, I didn't ask TikTok, but you're right. Can I check in about something, Eliza? Yes. You mentioned tattoo baby. Yes. I just wanted to check in about something, Eliza? Yes. You mentioned Tattoo Baby. Yes. I just wanted to check in about Tattoo Baby. Yeah.

Tattoo Baby was a contestant who was on for two seasons. She was on one season and she didn't vote. The first season, Tattoo Baby. Second season, Tattoo Toddler. You know, she was not yet a toddler, but no longer a baby. I think we can agree that they grow up so fast. Terrible tattoos? Is that something?

Terrible tattoos? No, hers were pretty good. Thank you, Jordan. Oh, I guess I'm saying the terrible twos, the terrible. Okay, I don't know. Yeah, but I felt like I had to stand up for it. No, no, no. I understand.

I was just brainstorming here. Yeah. No, I feel like I've blasted into the madness of my Ink Master mind. I've blasted into the madness of my Ink Master mind. But it is really like, it's really interesting, as I said, to see the evolution of how women are treated in media and also specifically a very male dominated, like traditionally masculine line of work and culture over by watching 10 seasons that kind of spanned uh 2012 to like 2010 or 2019 i think was about what i watched it was like 11 to 19 maybe something and just see it was rough in the beginning and it gets better but then there's still things that are like sort of stalwarts that they

can't, there was an interest. They're a really interesting thing. In one of the finales that I watched recently where a team for the finales, they always do like huge back pieces on what they call human canvases, which is a very creepy term. Yeah.

Yeah. They're like bringing the human canvases. And it's like some grandma who's like, I want a portrait of my dead grandchild. And they're like, okay the human canvases and it's like some grandma who's like i want a portrait of my dead grandchild and they're like okay canvas stretch her out yeah bring in the meat art yeah for the finale they'll have them do like big um big pieces on their backs usually and one team did a huge woman's face well i mean it wasn't a huge one they just did a woman's face all over the back one of those wba ladies like that vampire from resident evil 8 that everybody wanted to step on

them um yes you guys remember this vampire right anyway yeah sure it was just a lady it was just a lady's face she was pretty and oliver peck the former judge, was like, it's just let me get my toothpick. It's just scary. It's just so scary looking at. I mean, come on. She's scary. And the rest of them were like, buddy, why is she scary? And he's like, I don't know. It's like you just think you don't like ladies. You don't like ladies. Is it because Kat Von D cheated on you? Is that why? Because that happened. And he talks about it a lot in interviews. I'm sorry. You hit on a favorite topic here and I'm really making no sense. Eliza, you say in interviews, are you like reading Ink Master's blogs?

Are you not? Okay. Are you clicking on hashtag Ink Masters on social media? Yeah. When I have to learn things, that's what I got to do. So do the people, do the human canvases come in with a mandate? Or is it like a cooking show where they give them, they're like, we want mom in there and we want a dog picture in there. That's your challenge. And then bring in the human canvases.

See, that's what's interesting about it is that it's all of that. Like within one challenge, like they'll have a challenge and it's like kitty cats. That probably wouldn't be one, but I would suggest it. So their challenge is you guys are going to be tattooing kitty cats. Here are wouldn't be one, but I would suggest it. So there are challenges. You guys are going to be tattooing kitty cats. Here are your human human canvases. And you would have one person who's like, I want it to be my dead cat. Her name was Angela. She loved rubber bands and butterflies. It's got to have all that and the number 17. And then the next person will be like, I like cats, kind of fat ones. And then the next person will be like i like cats kind of fat ones and then the next person after

that will be like i want something historically related to cats but also new school but sci-fi and traditional and like that's all the same competition beautiful so it's wild so are you out of are you out of ink masters and are you watching are you like have you moved on to watching like new ink masters okay we watched one spinoff show because it was the like three women from one series that had got that had done very well they had like a spinoff show where they could like travel around the country and sort of bobby flay style challenge people to like local tattoo artists to see if they could beat them and if they they didn't beat them, then they would get to be on Ink Masters. And it was really nice, which was nice. Cause they were like, we want you to do a good job

instead of being like, your lines suck. But I was like, I can't, it was like when you're playing D&D and you're like, we have to go and do this we've been working for like weeks to get this thing done to get this mission done and then they're like oh there's a little there's a riddle that leads to a dragon do you want to go solve the riddle for the dragon you're like oh fuck man I do but like I have to finish my main quest. I can't devote all this time to the Ink Master's Angels. There's still a series of Ink Masters to finish.

Eliza, sorry, that analogy doesn't mean anything to me. I really only think about cool stuff like Timothy Zahn novels. Okay, I was going to see if I could put it in mandalorian um words it's like if you if you have to like save the child but then also there's um uh amy sedaris oh yes now i get it now i realize this sorry we don't call him the child anymore. We know his real name. We call him Baby Jesus. Jesse, they revealed his real name. It's Go-Gurt. Okay, thank you, Jordan.

Thank you very much. I thought it was Gro-Gurt because he's getting bigger. Oh, I'm sorry. Yes. He's a Gro-Gurt, not a Show-Gurt. It was wild when they put the chia seeds on his head i didn't expect that but i liked the hair that grew you know fun fact i used to my uh i used to eat the chia a lot when i was a kid my the chia seeds that would grow i i don't know how i found out you could eat them but i would eat them and uh like off the pet you would off the pet you would take them off i would eat them off the pet and i

got so into it sprouts or the or they started it started sprouts and then it became my mom would just like put a new layer of wet seeds on there walk away and i'd be like no one's looking yoink wow and eat them and yeah i kind of forgot about it until years later when i was like in college and i was home and my mom and I were watching tv and a commercial for a chia pet came on and my mom was like you know those things are terrible they we had one and it never worked it never grew anything I was like oh it did I ate it she was like what I was like yeah I ate I just ate it. She was like, what? And I was like, yeah, I ate. I just ate it every time. Eliza, when no one was looking, I would eat dog food from out of the container of dog food. And

it wasn't until years later at a party that my mom said the same thing that your mom said about you, Pat, said about dogs. But dogs growing yeah they don't always die in a couple days and then the vet says it's starvation but dogs always get skinnier and skinnier i know people from the east coast talk about like apple picking like oh you know like fresh off the tree it doesn't get i mean you can't get any better than a chia right off the pet. Ooh, it's so fresh. I mean, I really, like, what was up with me? I had no standards. Well, that persisted in many areas of my life.

But, like, it didn't taste good when it was just wet seeds. But I still was like, I can eat it, and therefore I will eat it. Right. Eliza, what else were you eating? Everything. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I would eat pats of butter off the table. Sometimes I would take a pat.

My mom would take a stick of butter and slice it up and stick that out. Right. So if you had little pats. Already sliced. Already sliced. Sometimes, if it was breakfast especially, there'd be a dish of sugar out there also. You know it's a fun treat. You take a pat of butter, boink, right in the sugar.

What do you have? Fudge, basically. Yeah. Chatting about that. I had a period when I was a kid where I would take a takeout ketchup packet and put it in my mouth and just make a little a tiny hole with like my incisor and then i would put the packet over on my cheek and just gradually suck out ketchup throughout the day wait like a ketchup loving hamster yeah kinda so if i was ever trapped or needed to hibernate i could always have a steady stream of ketchup.

I don't know if I could do that. I want to try it now, though. Doesn't seem like it would be good for your teeth. Yeah, I think it's, you know, I think, right. It's like, I mean, ingesting just pure ketchup, one, but also like kind of biting through, you know, whatever that material is. At a certain point, though, it must be like half spit, half ketchup. And you're just sort of like recycling. Yeah, it's like a slurry. It's a spit ketchup slurry. Yeah, it's like tomato soup that you make in your cheek.

I also went through a weird phase of coming home. I may have told you guys about this before. Coming home after school and make baking a full pie from scratch um and like i did a few i remember i did it for a while like a few days a week for a few weeks and finally my parents were like what's up buddy we got to talk about these pies what's going on it has to be serious it really has to be a serious situation for you to talk someone out of baking pie for you. Right. Like someone is making pies and you want to stop the flow of pies. That's when you know it has reached crisis levels.

Well, yeah, I think I was just like not having like not interacting with other people or asking other people to interact with the pies like i wasn't like hey family here's pie i was like pie is made goodbye and like well i mean i think you also have a problem where if you leave them to cool on the windowsill it can attract hobos that's true and we had they were mostly like cartoony ones right the smell of the pie would would lift them off the ground and yeah they had a lot of patches on their pants that were just attached with cross hatching right yeah i don't even know how that worked classic cartoon hobo they were fun sure um this is the uh first episode we're taping in the new year um so we have a little business to take care of um and i think people have been yelling that at the podcast you know for the past i don't know however many minutes

we've been taping did you guys take a bet on not surviving or we did this is we're kind of doing a no not november thing so We're here to cash in. To the extent anyone cares about our show, this is what they care about. Right. They're looking into a new year and they need direction. Right. And that's what we've provided. Every year for the last 42 years since we started doing this program was a it was originally called

the tonight show with jack par right we would open for babe ruth and buster keaton's yeah buster keaton's circus parents and uh commedia dell'arte troupe so was wait i'm thinking of the muppet show never. At the end of the day, we're all just storytellers, just cavemen gathered around a fire sharing stories. Last year's slogan on Jordan Jesse Go was, get dressed every day. That was the contribution of our friend Alison Becker, That was the contribution of our friend Allison Becker, a great genius. And I don't know about you guys, but I think I did it. I think that every single day I awoke, donned garb, and then dayed.

You know, I would say that, but I found out later that one of my nuts was out. The whole time. Oh, no. The whole fucking year I had a nut out. One nut. January through November. Yeah. Gee whiz.

Who finally told you, Nana, at Christmas? No, somebody. An anonymous email address sent a lot of photos to my email that's flattering yeah was it out in your the picture you posted on fet life yeah that's why the only star wars character i could get a date with is the rancor is that the insurance company that Peanuts does commercials for? Yeah. Yeah. That could be a fun little mix-up, huh?

Good grief. He gets into BDSM and then does that little Snoopy dance. I mean, when you think about it, Charlie Brown's relationship with Lucy where he would always go to kick the football and she would always move it. I mean, they were working something out there, right? Yeah, for sure. That's called football dom.

Right. And Linus's whole carrying around a blanket thing. You get the feeling he's a little too old to be doing that. And then Lucy would make people pay her to insult them. And of course, Dirtbag doesn't wash. Did you call him Dirtbag? Yeah, Dirtbag from Peanuts, the guy that doesn't wash. He's Pigpen.

He's a child. He's Pigpen until he's 18, and then he's Dirtbag. Right. Okay, well, look, I say his name is Dirtbag. And then he gets really into collecting anime figurines and shit posting. Take care of me, Dirtbag. A lot of swords. Yeah, a lot of swords gets a ferret.

Take your quarter, Eliza. Take your quarter to Lori's psychiatrist booth and take it up with her. Okay? It's Lucy. Yeah. Lori from Peanuts with her quarter psychiatry booth. Okay. What are we talking about?

Eliza, it sounds just like Charlie Brown. You've got a case of the Mondays. Hey. Wrong. Wrong. That's Bill the Mondays. Hey, wrong. Wrong. That's Bill the Cat. So every year. I, as a child.

No, not as a child. This past year, I did not get dressed. I did very well in 2020 getting dressed because I was putting it on the internet. I would do my dog walk fit pics, which was a picture of the fit for me to walk my dog to. And I knew people were looking at them and it became a thing where people were like, ah, where is it? And so it made me have to get dressed every day. 2021, I was like, I'm not doing it. I'm not doing the pics. And y'all, I was in pajamas a lot.

I was in pajamas. That's dressed. So I got. I think there's something to that. Yeah. I got, I got a little bit inspired. The most inspirational figure in my family is my four-year-old Frankie,

Curtis Francis. Frankie is always for, well, for one thing, Frankie has a significant speech delay. So every word out of her mouth is comical. Frankie also makes a lot of assertions, just a lot of bold assertions. And also Frankie's top thing is hating me.

That's number one. Number one just hates me, talks about how I stink, headbutts me in the dick. Just once in a while. She seems fun. Yeah. She seems like take her to a party. Take it on the road. I was reading in Frankie and Oscar's room. I was reading a story and I had my back to Frankie's bed and I could hear rustling. And I was like, I think Frankie is climbing out of bed and sneaking away. But then the rustling kind of got stuck and frustrated. And I turned around and Frankie was kind of between the bed and the wall. There's maybe 12 inches of room there. And seemed like I could tell that there was a sneak move going on, but it had stalled out.

So I turned around and said to her, what are you doing? And Frankie said, this is just, I i wrote it down directly this is not interpretive frankie said i'm tying to a cape but there's too many tuft animals and i'm tuck i love tuft animals and i have so many welcome to my ife very nice so my initial thought is that my slogan for 2022 might be welcome to my ife welcome to all our ifes yeah like we're here dealing with this shit you know what i mean welcome to my ife i got so many fucking stuffed animals i can't even a cape well i mean i also i think there's something larger to that in that like i was thinking Welcome to my life. I got so many fucking stuffed animals. I can't even a cape. Well, I mean, I also, I think there's something larger to that in that, like I was thinking today about, um, like I was looking at a picture of a friend that I had been like, when all

this, when the pandemic stuff started, pandemic stuff started in 2020 that we were like, oh, we can't see each other. We'll get back to it. We'll get back to it. that we were like oh we can't see each other we'll get back to it we'll get back to it and for at least 2020 it felt like we were all operating under a vibe of like uh we got to get back to it we'll get back to something we were doing before and then 2021 and and we're it's like starting to degrade away and now it's like this is it this is this is my. This is my Ive. Like right now, I'm not going to get back to my Ive. It's here.

Welcome to it. It's not going to, like, we're not going back to some other thing. We might go forward to some other thing. But we're not taking a break from our Ives. This is our Ive. Jesse, when would you say, now is it this is my life or welcome? Welcome to my Ive?

I forgot. Brian, were you paying attention? You wrote it down. Yeah, but then I got distracted. I looked at the trending topics. I had tweeted it. That's how I knew what I had wrote down. It was welcome to my Ive.

Welcome to my if welcome to my if um should we just go off the trending topics and make our um slogan something about bts yeah please uh my slogan for 2022 is covet 19 news and updates for california how has nobody made or has somebody made a BTS with BTS? Oh. Seems like someone should if they have not. Huge missed opportunity. Yeah. Is there a BTS DVD

that you could put a BTS on as a special feature? Yeah. There has to be. I'd love that. I have one other possibility I'm just going to throw out there which is I had this idea that in 2021, the best I could do was kind of stasis. Like I managed to not let things get worse, but I don't think I did anything per se.

I was just busy bailing out the boat uh that's a good one you farted so intensely you farted so intensely a child cried that's an accomplishment i think that was in i think that was in 2020 okay Okay. The before times, as I call them. You're fun. You're fun. That was the time before I farted in a car and made a child cry. You mean before the dumpster fire? Yeah. Thank you, Jordan.

Thank you very much. I'm talking about when the Cheeto was president, guys. Talking about when the Cheeto was president, guys. So anyway, the idea I had was that anything in 2022 is a win. And my goal is to do a thing. And so my thought is that a slogan could be mark that a W because literally anything I think in 2022 counts as a win. You go to the store, mark that a W,

uh, brush your hair, mark that a W soup. I mean, for fuck's sake, mark that a W. You know what I mean? This was my only thought, was the kind of like when I was taking stock. Speaking of soup.

Thanks, Jordan. Did you take my fucking stock? Huh? Sorry, stonk. Who cares, right? Diamond hands in that soup. Diamond hands to the moon. When I was taking stock, I'm like, well, you know, who knows?

Who knows what's going to happen? There's a lot we don't have control over. There could be some wins. There could be some disappointments. You know, there's bound to be some of both. Um, but, you know, kind of in those times when things are kind of disappointing, there is still, you know, you can still kind of take refuge in these, in these small things and these kind of like, you know, little pleasures and that's kind of been helping me a lot lately of like oh there's just these you know small things every day you can do that that that feel good and you can kind of like take a little break with it's you know like it's food you like it's a pet you like um you know loved ones etc yeah um and to kind of like encourage to to encourage myself to like, you know, when the opportunity arises to kind of like enjoy that stuff, take it. So I feel like 2022, I want my vibe to be, don't mind if I do.

It's also a little bit of an apology if you do fart in a car. Like, hey, don't mind if i do don't mind if i do fart jesse what's an instance where you would say welcome to my like what's like let's talk about practical use yeah um i think it's it's useful whenever anything happens. So I would say like, let's say you go to the grocery store and you're buying one of those juggy type vodkas, this sort of juggy. Yeah, like pop off, yeah. Yeah.

And then you're buying two of those bunny rabbit mac and cheeses. Right. And four apples. And you got those on the cart. And the checker kind of gives you one of these, you know, single eyebrow. What are you up to with these things? You just go, welcome to my eye. But then also, let's say you're in front of a judge.

And the judge is saying. Are you still at the grocery store or is this someplace else? Yeah. Judge Reinhold is there at the grocery store. He works there. Despite the fact that he's good at everything. Still good at everything, Judge Reinhold.

You're before the judge. You're in the courtroom and the judge says, you've been found guilty of two counts of breaking and entering, grand larceny, and illegal peeing in someone else's toilet and that's the

worst and then they're like do you have anything well that's how you get caught they can they trace your urine so how can they tell if it's illegal peeing in someone else's toilet or legal peeing in someone else's toilet i've never understood that it's it's vampire rules were you invited in all right so it's and it's not just sort of eliza toilet on yours yeah it's not just is the toilet inviting no is the toilet inviting obviously the toilet's inviting when you gotta pee yeah i get that great solution vampire rules if it was just that it was inviting i would be dead or a vampire i've got a great place yeah you turn it you turn into dust so you're before the judge the judge lists all the things he says do you have anything to say to your for yourself jordan jordan you would then say welcome to my life yeah exactly can i pitch one please yes okay

so i'm listening to what you guys are saying and thinking about my own experiences and like i said with my um wearing clothes thing it didn't like register unless i was communicating it with somebody else you know and i feel like Welcome to My Ith, you're like trying to invite people in. You're like, I want you into my Ith. And I'm sorry, Jordan, remind me again. What was yours? Don't mind if I do. Oh, right.

Don't mind if I do. So again, you're communicating things. I feel like for me, it's tell me about it or no it's tell tell tell a friend about it tell a friend about it because like whatever you're doing let's get off get off the internet first of all get off the twitter get off the like blah blah blah does anybody care you know who cares your friend right tell your friend about it you want to talk to somebody about how your day was tell your fucking friend about it can i tell you in the before times i would call jordan to talk about the cheeto guy right and the hellscape dumpster fire oh i'm sorry america i feel like

that's that's a lot but also like you check yourself when you're like going down a crazy rabbit hole in a way that you wouldn't maybe on the internet when you're talking to strangers about the Cheeto guy. Right. Right. Or Trump. Jordan, so many times. As some people. So many times, Eliza, Jordan has helped check me.

If it weren't for Jordan, I would have wrecked me long ago. Right. I feel like we all feel that way. So I would just throw in there, tell a friend. Tell a friend. It's not cute. No, it's like a reverse who wants to be a millionaire. Call a friend.

Because you're telling the friend what the answer to the question is probably. I don't know. Yeah. You know, Regis Philbin got his start hosting The Tonight Show with Jack Parr. Is that true? A lot of people don't know that. I don't think that's... Steve Allen. Sorry, Steve Allen.

Just another Star Wars scoop. Yeah. I feel like it was Vince Vaughn. Right. Could be. No one wrote the monologue. Vince Vaughn just riffed, man. Vince just riffed.

I mean, that's the true story of swingers no right there was no script it was just vince vaughn riffing they're just like we're gonna turn the camera on vinny big bad voodoo daddy's gonna just strike up yeah apparently your hits when heather graham got to set she was like what do i do and vince vaughn was like go with it and she was like got it react to me vince vaughn yeah can i tell you can i tell you guys something that uh thinking about swingers makes me think of i was on an auction website where they were having an estate auction for don rickles and yes, obviously I want to buy Don Rickles neckties. Of course I do, but that's not the point. The point is that there was an autographed photo to Don Rickles from Frank Sinatra, which number one, it's weird because they were friends.

Why is that weird? would give people autographed photographs of me all the time jordan that's true i have it i have it hanging above my kitchen it says love your pasta i do and it's good advice so that's how you make a good pot why did you send me one about my dry cleaning i'm not even oh that was a mix-up um that was a mix-up eliza says you're not my friend no no no it just means that my dry cleaner has a picture of me that says love being on the pod pal so um the picture from frank sinatra to don it's the two of them on a roast or to the night show or something like that. And Frank Sinatra wrote on it, smile, dummy, you're on TV with a big star. And I was like, fuck, was Frank Sinatra funny?

Like, is Frank Sinatra good? I think he was funny in that bully way, though. Yeah. Exactly like that. Well, if you're an underdog like frank sinatra you can say that kind of stuff if you're born ugly and punching down when it was a mobbed up millionaire the greatest singer of the 20th century you know there's so many celebrities that like i kind of feel like we're're just lucky they didn't start a cult.

Yeah. They really could have. I mean, I think Frank Sinatra did start a cult. It's the movie Swingers. So anyway, don't mind if I do. Tell a friend. Welcome to my ife. And mark that a win.

What do you think, Jordan? I mean, I got one. Oh, yeah, what? Oh, good. Okay, I have been watching a lot of Ink Masters. And if there was an Ink Masters drinking game, you would end up dead if the drinking game was take a drink every time somebody says balls to the wall. So I'm thinking, you know, we've been trying to measure ourself.

We've been trying to like be like healthy, get out of the doldrums, whatever. Don't you're not going for the middle balls to the wall, balls to the wall this year. You're you're doing an old school tat of an eagle flying down and stealing a baby on a human canvas whether they like it or not they don't even know they're on ink master you're surprised i'm on the street as i've said many times you know if you've gone balls to the wall because if you have their balls on the wall afterwards if there's no balls in the wall you haven't gone balls to the wall. Eliza, can I ask you a serious question here?

I don't know. Based on your knowledge of ink masters, would you say the classic old school tattoo is an eagle flying down and stealing a baby? Is that what was on a guy in the Merchant Marine in 1928? No. Well, I mean, to be fair, the baby stealing probably makes it neo-traditional. Right. Thank you. But the rest of it, yeah, very American traditional.

Kat Von D has one of those. Oh, my gosh. She has so many of them. For her burlesque show. And just like tons of tattoos of children she's never even met. That's a weird thing about Kat Von D, but it's true. Really? Yeah, she tattoos herself with portraits of faces of children she's never even met. That's a weird thing about Kat Von D, but it's true. Really? Yeah, she tattoos herself with portraits of faces of people she's never seen and is like, let's see if I meet them someday.

Let's see if I meet somebody who matches this picture. Whoa. That's wild. Kat Von D is probably best known for being on the website of every flea market in Southern California. Oh, is that true? Every flea market in Southern California has a picture of Kat Von D shopping at that flea market in Southern California. Oh, is that true? Every flea market in Southern California has a picture of Kat Von D shopping at that flea market. Oh, I know we're mostly from banner ads on Sephora.

So either way. Yeah, it's just because they need a celebrity visitor to put on the website. Yeah, and I think Miranda July only goes to the Pickwick Vintage Show. I feel like Miranda July only wants to the Pickwick vintage show. I feel like Miranda July only wants things that like people have written in and died. Wow. Love it.

Love it. Buying an annotated copy of Shakespeare's sonnets. Yeah. Yeah. Or like somebody's old address book. She only wants it if it has the potential to be haunted. Can you imagine what it would be like to be that talented? Eliza, you're talented.

I'm taking you out of the conversation. Jordan, can you imagine? Oh, I'm at least as talented as Miranda July. Miranda July. You've read my book of short fiction, right? Imagine she's a real artist. She wrote an acclaimed book of fiction. And she invented poop back and forth forever.

Yeah. From the movie You, Me, and Everyone We Know. That's the triple crown of talent. I feel like it's confidence. Oh, God. It's confidence in your ideas. I was sitting in the 20th century American art wing of LACMA one day, looking around at my Rauschenbergs and Johns like I do, and was like, wow, I love it. And then got really sad because I was like, oh, my God, look how many chances all of these, no offense, guys, straight white men had to have all these chances that they had to just like fuck up and make mistakes and then still get to keep making art like straight white men had through the centuries so many chances to be like oops that doesn't look like a duck i'll just make a different

one and like women and people of other cultures and races, like just not the dominant culture of wherever this art was being produced. You had to get it absolutely exactly right or else people shamed you out of it and also took your resources away. So being within that world and not allowing yourself to be shamed out of doing what you think is artistic, that's pretty magic. Yeah. I mean, there's no doubt that Miranda July, I would say, flipped the script on the hegemony, the misogynistic hegemony of the dominant artistic culture when she made her famous duck pics.

Or her story about teaching old people to swim on the ground. Fucking Miranda July rules.uly rules so awesome it's really great yeah but i i stand by it i think like yeah just being like this idea is good i'm gonna go ahead and do it and then halfway through being like is this idea good it is it is still good like that's hard to. Eliza, I've never done an idea before. Jordan and I are doing our college radio show right now. That contains no ideas. There's nothing. The closest thing I've ever gotten to art was that list of college nicknames for boba fett most of which were just things i looked up on a rhyming dictionary uh i know them well um i maybe that's that's a slogan like do an idea

for you do an idea for you eliza you know a rhy, you know your way around a rhyming dictionary because you've wrote many a rap. I've wrote a rap, yeah. I think it was Big Daddy Kane. I may be misattributing this, but I think it was Big Daddy Kane. Someone asked him if he ever used a rhyming dictionary using his raps. And he said, would you dig a hole without a shovel? I was like, hell yeah. Way to go, Big Daddy Kane came way to be two years older

than jay-z by the way yeah and rakim is one year older than jay-z i don't know rap facts you can't you can't trust them blindly yeah but they are very handy um and are you talking about 50 something rappers or rhyming yeah exactly they will help you install a new sync if you need to um or rhyme the word sync if you need to drink think blink i almost said sync but i was thinking of it in different ways like as the object or the motion anyway um i like welcome to my eye i think we can use that i think we can uh we can all say that when something happens and uh i'd love to have some callers call in and just try it out sure yeah put it on for size welcome to my life yeah we can we can yeah we can i mean we can you know make these like you know some tentative slogans that people want to call and kind of use them in

conversation or kind of use them with their momentous occasions and we can just kind of like i worry though that this this whole this this whole process is going to point you in a completely different direction because you're asking people to call in, give a welcome to my I've examples. People are going to walk around, have an experience, be like, should I call in? Don't mind if I do.

Oh, wow. Yeah. But I mean, I think that'll kind of, that'll like, I think we'll see which one is more, which one is more organic,

you know, which one is more useful. I'm just saying you're not going to get any welcome to my eyes calls without a little. Don't mind if I do. That's true. Well, to my eyes to the wall,

right? I do. Yeah. You said a little question mark on the end there. Maybe it's it. You need a, um, one of those,

one of those charge coins, those, those like coins that you give people. They're called doge coins. Yes, thank you. You need a doge coin that one side says, welcome to my life. And the other side says, don't mind if I do. And they both are.

One side is a Shiba Inu winking. And the other side is his butthole. Shiba Inu's famous buttholes No yeah I think we do need to pick one Because I think You know I think people will

There's I think this anchors people It anchors them in a year This is the Dan Rather of our generation Like an American traditional tattoo. Like an American traditional tattoo. Balls to the wall. Balls to the wall.

Dan Rather, by the way, got his start hosting the Tonight Show with... I don't know. Oh, boy. Welcome to my eye. Welcome to my eye. See? I like it. I'm into it I think we should run with it

oh I have one more to pitch oh yeah sure yeah that's too many board games you don't need that that's a good backup slogan I think both of these are the slogan so it's pretty specific here wow okay Eliza's holding up many board games.

Eliza's boyfriend is a board game dork. Hey, I am too. Okay. Thanks, Eliza. Yeah. I mean, I think that'll be useful for a lot of our listeners. But that's more like a practical life advice than inspirational slogan. So I think we can apply both of those.

And I think, you know what Miranda July would do? She'd write welcome to my wife when she's doing her artists pages at the end of the day. And I think that would inspire her to write four award-winning short stories and invent the next poop back and forth forever. Beautiful. I guess. I feel like it's a passive approach to life, but it's an inviting approach is what we're saying. Yeah, because it's good.

It's just a way to get comfortable with what's going on. Whether it's good or bad. You're just doing your thing. This is where you're at. You're at where you're at. It's 2022. Some things are fucked. Maybe some things are getting better.

You're not trying to hide what it is. You're not trying to dress it up. You're doing your fucking thing. Welcome to my life. Yeah. You're just fucking Big Daddy Kane in a rhyming dictionary. And honestly, honestly, you're not scared to fuck it up and get it wrong. You're leaving letters out of things.

You're still inviting people in. Sure. Exactly. You don't have to spell it with an apostrophe even. People know what's there. You don't have to. They know something's implied. even people know what's there you don't have to they know something's implied guys the the cat has settled down on my lap do you think while we do the rest of the podcast i can clip her nails

no absolutely not i think let's take a quick break i do i have a nail clip i have them on the couch for when she sits down we'll find out when we come back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse go. You can't do it. A bug, right. You know, a bug saying right now,

Eliza. Welcome to my life. It's Jordan, Jesse go. I'm Jesse foreign America's radio. Sweetheart, Jordan Morris, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Guess what I got? Okay, well, first of all, every episode of Jordan Jesse Goh,

supported by the members of Maximum Fun. So thank you, members of Maximum Fun. We're very grateful to you. In fact, to salute you, I whistle with my new acorn whistle that I got. It's shaped like an acorn, folks. Yeah. Beautiful. We also acorn salute our friends at Raycon.

Jordan, guess what I got my wife for Christmas? Oh, gosh. An acorn whistle. A sex pillow. No, we got, she wanted some wireless earbuds to use with her telephone. I'm not going to tell you what kind of telephone she has, but there's a lot of information on it from the internet. Okay? And it's a phone.

So I don't know if that helps yeah she has a razor she's got a motorola razor phone and um she's on and she's on nokia um so anyway uh i got my wife some of these raycon ear earbuds what's nice about these buds my wife likes to go out for a jog or a stroll. They got those different size earplugs. Oh, yeah. So she can get the perfect fit on these Raycons. And you know what was great for me? For her, it's great, perfect fit, high ear quality, which is what they call how good a headphone is sounding, ear quality. Yeah, ear quality, sure. For me, affordable affordable i don't

want to spend a bunch of money on my wife i mean the uh those raycon everyday earbuds i have a pair myself and i love them uh i'm out there running i'm out there strolling and i always have those raycons in there they're great um i'll tell you what's good about them. They stick in there so good. You can do any kind of shaking and baking when you have them in there. You could do the Icky Shuffle. Yeah. Icky Shuffle, Super Bowl Shuffle. Yeah. The Moe and Curly Shuffle or whatever that was called. Any kind of shuffle you want to do, those Raycons will stay in. You can dance to any novelty song from the 80s. You can dance to Rappin' Duke. Sure. Pac-Man fever. Yeah. Rappin' Rodney. Any rappin' song. And it's not going to

fall out because they got the ear quality. Right now, Jordan, Jesse, Go listeners can get 15% off their Raycon order at buyraycon.com slash jjgo. That's buyraycon.com slash jjgo to save 15% on Raycons. Buyraycon.com slash jjgo. Ta-ha, ta-ha from the song rapping Duke Jordan. Aha, from the song rapping Duke Jordan. Our show is also brought to you by Stitch Fix. Jordan, what happens when a problem comes along? You must stitch it. Yeah, that's right. Stitch Fix is back, baby. It's the service that simplifies online shopping for clothing.

Whether you are my children who uh, who needed to close literally every day, uh, whether you're me or, uh, Jordan, um, Stitch Fix has personal people that will shop for your clothes based on your of get to know you. You send them some stuff you're looking for, some situations you might find yourself in where you'll need to be clothed. And they send you a box of great stuff, and you try it on. If you like it, you keep it. If you don't, you send it back. It is a cool system.

They always send great stuff. I love using Stitch Fix. And hey, if you're looking for a way to shop where you're not going out to malls and stores, Stitch Fix is a great alternative. You can do it all from home. Do it all online. It is awesome. They got workout stuff. They have office stuff.

They have going out stuff, shoes. I got a great pair of shoes from Stitch Fix. I am loyal to a particular sneaker brand, so I don't entertain other sneakers that often. But Stitch Fix sent me these shoes that were outside my purview, and I'm loving them. I never thought I would switch sneakers. This is literally the first non-Heelys that Jordan has worn in the last 20 years. I'm an LA Lights man. LA Lights on my feet. LA Looks in my hair.

No, Stitch Fix is a really cool service. You should definitely give it a shot. Whether you're looking for a brand you love or to try a new one at Stitch Fix Freestyle, you can shop over a thousand brands and styles personalized to your size and fit. Get started today by filling out your style quiz at stitchfix.com slash jjgo. That's stitchfix.com slash JJ go to try Stitch Fix Freestyle. Stitchfix.com slash JJ go. It's Jordan, Jessica. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. love you love you love you love you love you love you it's Jordan

Jessica I'm Jesse Thorne America's radio sweetheart Jordan Morris boy detective Eliza Skinner clay kitty car

there it is you know yeah gave the people what they wanted greatest of all time do the line Bart

just do the line can I admit something can I admit something to you guys yes you know how the line can I admit something can I admit something to you guys you know how the well when I was doing that Boba Fett list

I sort of ran out of stuff that was directly related to Boba Fett like it rhymed with that or was about a robot suit and you know how they say write what you know my college nickname was Mr. Soft dick.

Well, it's just so great to see the process. I just, I'm a process nerd and I just love knowing that stuff, you know, taking about the art of the process, Ted Leo. Sure.

Yeah. And it's also fun. Like that, the amount knowing just like the amount of intrinsic respect that you got, you know, that you were you're a Mr. Soft. Right. Not just like Jesse Soft Dick. I would say, come on, Mr. Soft Dick was my father. Call me Micropenis. Call me Flaccid. So something that we have been talking about lately on the program is when someone encounters media in an entirely inappropriate context. Brian has received a call on this subject. That's our producer, Brian. He gives out a cell phone number on on the show which is 206-984-4-fun um so call brian and share your the thing with him

also not your soft dick that is not what he means when he says share your thing with them correct no send that to b on FetLife right Brian's doing his famous dance oh he's gonna win the dance contest against the Red Baron um so and then get weirdly religious at a certain point?

In a way that's a little jarring now? The shepherds all stopped and looked to the star who mooned them. I don't know. I don't know. I had nothing there. I thought I was going to run into something, but I didn't. It's okay. Not really any jokes in Peanuts either. I thought I was going to run into something, but I didn't. It's okay. Not really any jokes in Peanuts either.

Peanuts is basically just about a man who's sad and draws a little sad man. He was very angry a lot also. Lucy was based on his wife that he was divorcing as he was writing a lot of it. Wow, really? Yeah. Get into the backstory. Get into the Charles Schultz backstory. It gets sadder.

The boss of the Charles Schultz Museum is a Max Fund member. We should get him on here with the top 10 things Charles Schultz was maddest about. A lot of people think it's just the 1962 World Series, but there's much more. The creator of Kathy was actually getting a divorce from swimsuit season. Yeah, that was what... And the creator of the family circus was actually getting a divorce from being funny. Actually, no, I asked Bill Keane that, and he said, what? Not me.

Okay, anyway... I asked Bill Keane that and he said, what? Not me. Okay. Their house was haunted. They had ghosts in their house. Yeah, that was a child. That was a child that they could, it had only just been born and they didn't even have time to name it. That's why it's called Not Me. Right.

They were like, what's the name of your baby? Mom's miscarriage. Yeah, the mom is like, I don't know, it's not me. This is like one of those really intense Victorian novels. Is that what we're describing? Yep, yep. That is Family Circus. Family Circus is a sort of yellow wallpaper type situation.

All those children are kept in the attic whenever a company comes over. 206-984-4FUN or JJGOgo at maximumfun.org if you're trapped in an attic uh or if you have inappropriate media stories to share with us like this one hey jordan hey jesse hey guests uh my name is sarah i am calling with an inappropriate media exposure. I haven't heard this one on the show yet, so it's a little bit unique, I guess. Not to toot my own horn, but when I was in fifth grade, my parents had dial-up internet, and my two friends and I were obsessed with cats, and we wanted to start a cattery. And we were really into sphinx cats, you know, the naked cats. and we were really into sphinx cats you know the the naked cats um and there was a sphinx cattery in england called bear bob sphinx cattery and i was using the internet can you pause this

is this where can i ask you brian is this where fet life came from yeah this is we all see where this is going yeah and i was using the internet unsupervised with my two best friends for the first time. And instead of going to barebodsthinkscattery.com, I went to barebods.com. And this was in the age of pop-ups. So my entire computer screen was just immediately littered with pop-ups. We were all screaming my dad came into the room my mom had to call my friend's moms and explain to them that i had just exposed their children to uh strange internet pornography so i'm totally normal now though it's it's fine

so thanks guys this exact same thing happened to me when I was a kid. I was into dachshunds. I wanted to go to longsloppyweeners.com. Right. You mean longsloppyweenerdogs.com. Yeah, that was the mistake. That was the mistake. Yeah, I know that now, Eliza, that I should have put.

The weird thing is this actually, you're making a joke, but this did actually happen, a very similar thing happened to me with the same breed of cats. I was really into them, and there was this website called Hairless Bear Pussycats, and I forgot the cats part. This happened to me too i was into uh cuckold vids where the husband the husband is being humiliated by a man who's they don't have to be married they could just just be a couple. Partner. They could be good friends.

Went to college together or something. Yeah. One time this dude fucked Brian in front of me and Brian kept turning to me and saying like, oh, you can never befriend me like this. Sure. What is fucking but the ultimate friendship yeah could that be the slogan for the year oh yeah a new slogan what can i say guys guys. Welcome to my life. All right. 206-9844-FUN or JJGO at MaximumFun.org. You just make a voice memo and you just hit the little arrow button that sends it somewhere. Send it to JJGO at MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Are you feeling elevated levels of anxiety? Do you quake uncontrollably, even thinking about watching cable news? Do you have disturbing nightmares, only to realize it's two in the afternoon and you're up? If you've experienced one or more of these symptoms, you may have FNO, F***ing News Overload.

Fortunately, there's treatment. Hi, I'm Dave Holmes, host of Troubled Waters. Troubled Waters helps fight FNO. That's because Troubled Waters stimulates your joy zone. On Troubled Waters, two comedians will battle one another for pop culture supremacy. So join me, Dave Holmes, for two, two, two doses of Troubled Waters a month. The cure for your ****** news overload. Available on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts.

Hi, I'm Annabelle Gurrich. And I'm Laura House. And we're the hosts of Tiny Victories. My tiny victory is that I sewed that button back on the day after it broke. We talk about that little thing that you did that's a big deal to you, but nobody else cares. Did you get that Guggenheim Genius Award? We don't want to hear from you. We want little bitty tiny victories.

My tiny victory is a tattoo that I added on onto this past weekend. Let's talk about it. My victory is that I'm one year cancer free, but my tiny victory is that I took all of the cushions off the couch, pounded them out, put them back, and it looks so great. So if you're like us and you want to celebrate the tiny achievements of ordinary people, listen to Tiny Victories. It's on every Monday on Maximum Fun. Oh, it's Jordan, Jesse. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris about to clip the third cat nail.

Oh, do you think I'm going to do it? Can he do it? Yes! He did it, folks! Eliza Skinner, clankety car. Fucking legendary nickname. Five, she's annoyed. I just

remembered the Ink Masters thing that is actually fun for everybody. Okay, so a fun thing to do is play the ink master's theme song and then try to name all the just make up names of contestants that would be on the show over it um like the opening credits of it like the opening credits oh yeah let's try it and then it's like tattoo baby clean rock one you know all these like super rule of threes well okay I wasn't ready for

that but you can see why it's a difficult game because you have to keep thinking so that's a fun game grown up pig pin scumbag yeah exactly ones and twos turntable the glue why is it can i tell you the one that i thought of just because i think it might help you feel better

like what after i made fun of you for saying dippity-doo i thought of ink master that's called going and i got to dippity-doo yeah and i got i got to dippity-doo after like many rounds of this entertaining a 12 year old in a car on the way to target so i was looking hey i was just looking for a way to get to one master two in the Stink Master. There's got to be. Is there a porn parody called Pink Master someplace? There should be, right? There's got to be.

There's got to be. If there's not. Eliza Skinner, you can find her on Twitter and Instagram. A great presence on both of those social media platforms. Hit her up on FetLife. FarmersOnly.com. No, don.com she's spoken for her friends she's already got a board game buddy um yeah and i got an album that you could buy if you didn't already i forgot about that go buy eliza skinner's fucking album don't be a dipshit regarding my lovers that's it i know it because it is the it's the last album i bought so it is also it is always like when i turn on my like music it

always comes up and i always love it too i i it's it's great the stand-up's great the music is hilarious and it's also good music yeah thank you the next time I do an album, I should have a track on it called, Hey, you're in your car and music's playing so that when you get in your car, it automatically connects. My car plays an Erykah Badu song and it really is like a best case scenario. And I'm really scared to change anything about the music on my phone in case it switches to a bad song. Yeah, mine plays ACDC, the song about the bisexual train from Starland Express. Sure. I mean, you definitely made that up just now, but... No, that is a true thing.

If you know anything... ACDC, it's okay by me. I can switch and change my frequency. Eliza, just for folks at home who can't see Eliza, she did a train dance. Our producer on the program, Brian Sonny D.ernandez valerie moffitt on the live stream um our theme music love you by the free design courtesy of the free design and light in the attic records you can find jordan and me on twitter at jordan underscore morris and at jesse thorn we're also on instagram uh where you can follow us as well.

What can I say? Welcome to my life. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse go. Maximum fun.org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported.