Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 721: Snarge with Mary Roach

Episode Date: January 18, 2022

Mary Roach (Author of Grunt, Gulp, and now Fuzz) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jordan's magical sweatshirt, the time Mary got mugged by some monkeys, and what it's like chasing bears through the back allies of Aspen.  Plus, Mary has a new book out called Fuzz: When Nature Breaks the Law!GET MARY'S NEW BOOK "FUZZ: WHEN NATURE BREAKS THE LAW"

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. Oh, it's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, I want to congratulate you because you on our Zoom here, and we're recording virtually. We're not in the same room. there's a deadly pandemic sweeping the world uh jordan on our zoom you are wearing a t-shirt for the popular los angeles area bookstore uh excuse me the popular new york area bookstore books are magic it's a sweatshirt so you were wrong twice god damn it why do i even fucking do this man uh you know what

jordan all right get michael strahan in here i'm out strahan's in yeah okay at least knows to listen to his researcher okay so you're wearing a sweatshirt yeah for the bro bookstore, Books Are Magic. I'm looking at it on the camera. It's glowing with magic. Yeah. Yeah, the sweatshirt is magic. I didn't know that when I bought it. I just thought it would be a fun, you know, like memento of a great store

that I really liked going to. It's got this kind of fun heavy metal font to it. But yeah, it's been giving me magic powers and they've been nothing but trouble. Wow. So nothing but trouble. So you haven't, a lot of people think, this is a thing that a lot of people assume,

and I'm sure a lot of people are assuming this out in the audience, is that if you get magic powers, it is, as they they say all to the good um no you know that is all of a sudden you can turn wrong uh one loaf into many loaves one fish into many fish you can walk on water like famous famous historical magician jesus christ you can wash the feet of the unwashed. The first mind freak, they called him.

Our mind freak who art in heaven. Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy spells be done. My mind be blown. as it is in vegas uh jordan a lot of people assume that if you have magic powers it's right it can only be good but it sounds like you've been burdened by the magic powers that this sweatshirt has have given you yeah no um it's tough i was i mean i we were talking about, you know, mind freaks earlier. Yeah.

Earlier on in the show, just for folks who just tuned in, earlier on in the show, we were talking about mind freaks, which is when you do magic tricks, but you're wearing, like, bracelets. Yeah, a lot of leather bracelets, a vest and no shirt. Yeah, you got it. No, yeah, since I got this, this you know i've got these magic powers which is cool you know i could levitate saw a lady in half um you know it's all this great stuff and it was fun for a little bit but once chris angel got wind of it man dude dude's been on my dude's been on my case it's a Highlander thing. There can be only one mind freak.

Mind freak. Is that what happened to Christ? That is what happened to Christ. Pontius Pilate was an up and coming mind freak. And he heard about, you know, this dude, this dude born in Bethlehem. I had heard. Okay. So i didn't know that that was i didn't know about the story of the origin of christianity beyond just uh some of the basics

so i didn't know about the mind freak part i did know a little bit and this is just because i watched game of thrones and game of of Thrones obviously sort of based on historic. A lot of people don't know, but based on historical stuff. So I knew that the War of the Roses was a mind freak thing. That's all I knew. I'm just saying I knew that was. Oh, and of course the American Civil War was about the Robert E. Lee, of course. Well, yeah.

It was primarily about states freaks well we were educated in different parts of the union right um so you know a lot of people a lot of people um but yeah so there can be only one mind freak at a time you know chris angel was um you know the primary mind freak or he has been for just years and years, just hanging around, wearing an eyeliner, making motorcycles disappear. Right. He actually took the title from the Fonz. Yeah, he killed the Fonz.

And now, I'm a pretender to the throne. I don't really want it. I've never wanted to be a mind freak. But you got the sweatshirt. Yeah, it's kind of a great power, great responsibility thing. So now I am being hunted by Criss Angel. Right. And I think it's only a matter of time before he kills me or I kill him.

Right. Are you using your powers? I mean, just for example, did you have a freaking weekend? Yeah, I had a freaking weekend. But I think the problem is, but I think the problem is that I don't really know how to use offensive magic yet.

Oh. I can like blow people's minds, but I don't have you know like energy beams um you know i find it's harder and harder to do offensive magic with these fucking college crowds right i know anything offensive anything offensive and they run to twitter and try and cancel you yeah it's just a spell i mean do you have just seeing where the line is okay i'm just seeing where the line is and casting yourself casting truth okay if you can't handle it that's kind of your problem yeah um so here's my question jordan right you don't have a lot of offensive

skills right now right yeah i'm i'm new to this i've only had the sweatshirt for you know like a month are there any offensive spells that you know how to cast yet like let's say chris angel we're here right now and i'm not saying that he is oh boy is he is this an he's standing right behind you thing no we're not in the same room, so. No. So, Criss Angel's not there, obviously,

but were he there? Is there anything that you could do if he, if you needed to attack? Obviously, if he attacked you, you could use

your defensive skills. But if you needed to attack him, are there any spells that you've mastered so far offensively? I mean, I could poke him in the eye. Oh, you know poke.

Yeah, I do know poke. I'm working on poke. Right. Yeah. That's also useful on, was it early Facebook? Was that the one that had poking? I think so. Poking was central to it. the one that had poking i think so poking was um but yeah i'm working on poke but all i've been

able to conjure up is a like a rice bowl with uh like tuna oh poke yeah it's all you've got so far i guess i could throw that at him maybe he's got he's got an allergy to fish you know it's funny i got one of these sweatshirts myself all i can do is mac salad oh but I mean nothing wrong nothing wrong with you know it's a great side should we introduce our guest on the program now that it's a guaranteed win I feel like anything else

from here on after whatever that was it's just all gravy on the meatloaf you know what i mean we made the meatloaf this is all gravy from here on out yum uh our guest on the program she's a beloved she's a beloved friend of jordan jessico one of america's most delightful writers of fascinating and amusing non-fiction her latest smash hit book is called Fuzz. It's about when

animals do stuff that we don't want them to do in various ways, broad interpretations of animals breaking the law. The legend, Mary Roach. Hi, Mary. Hey, how are you? Mary is a legend first and foremost because she used to share an office with uh roman mars i did yeah yeah for for a little while and we could not give him the bandwidth that he required and so he left god damn it roman i know he moved away this guy takes so much fucking bandwidth do you think you're a good office mate m Mary? I think I am. I think I'm the person who, when somebody grinds the beans, I take my finger and I actually clean out the residue on the coffee grinder. That's really important.

It is. I do that. Yeah, I think I'm pretty special. Mary, do you have the tablets to clean out the coffee grinder? You know that little tablet you need? Because otherwise you get deposits. What? The grinder?

I think there's a tablet that you need. And a grinder? I don't know. What? I drink coffee? I'm drinking generic seltzer. You're out of your mind. Well, you came in with this tab shit like you were some sort of coffee pro.

I think you have to put a tab. It's a grinder. It's all dry. Everything is dry. There's no residue. I love coffee, and I've never heard of these tabs. Thank you, Jordan. I think there's such a thing as a tab.

There's no such thing as a tab. Brian, type. Go to internet. The soda tab. internet soda tab type that type grinder tab something else something else might come up brian brian what what is it jesse are you suggesting are you suggesting you putting lsd in coffee that's what it sounds like to me yes yeah i i suggest putting lsd and coffee giving it to a five-year-old and then joan didion doesn't do anything about it r.i.p joan didion a legend and she did that one time there was a five-year-old on lsd she didn't do anything about it she needed it for the story go ahead brian jesse gonna talk some shit about betty white now man no No, she seems super cool. I mean, Joan Didion is an amazing writer.

Go ahead, Brian. I think there are grinder tabs. Yeah, there's fucking grinder tabs. That's right. Fuck faces. Yeah. No, because the tab would get ground up. Mary, you better start writing novels

because you don't know shit. The tab would be all ground up and you'd put it in your coffee. From being ground. Exactly. Then your coffee. What's preventing the tab from being ground? Exactly. Then your coffee would have chemical tab substance in it. It keeps – it's a good – look at it. What does it say, Brian?

I don't know how they work. It just says it keeps the life of your – it keeps oils. It's about oils. Yeah. Something about – But – Urnex grinds professional coffee grinder cleaning tablets, all natural, removes coffee residue and oils in standalone coffee grinders, not for super automatic espresso machines, patented all natural food safe, including free tablets, absorbs and loosens coffee grounds, effectively cleans grinders without disassembling burrs or casings, used regularly to ensure proper hygiene and to maintain consistent performance. Brian, is there anything else there that you can read? this a fake website is this a calico cut pants.com

situation this is for some kind of burr grinder thing i don't have that yeah i don't know because i i i told you i stick my finger and i wouldn't be sticking my she's using you're saving money on tabs by using your finger. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Mary, I was enjoying your book, the audio version of your book, Gulp, on a road trip recently. Adventures in the Elementary Canal. Loved it. On the Elementary Canal. On it. God damn it. On it.

This is like when you said my sweatshirt was a t-shirt you know remember jesse remember when you had a stray hand in here you know he's gap tooth charm on the eerie canal on the elementary canal you know you missed the whole cleverness thing going on anyway yeah yeah yeah you talked to so many like fascinating people with like hyper hyper specific areas of study yeah um do you have any like recent favorites and are there any that you have been like tempted to stay in touch with uh well the i loved guy, because you were talking about gulp, the chewing guy. The guy is like 70 years old, and he's studied chewing his whole life. And he's got this testing material.

It's like this putty that you have to chew it up to study how your teeth are chewing. What's it called? You read the book more recently. What the hell is it called? Something putty. Comfort putty. I think it was comfort. I have a comfort putty, but I use it for something else. Yeah, I bet. I bet you do. But he gives it to me and he's like, well, this is kind of old. It may be a little dry. And it was, you know, so you're basically chewing like pencil eraser, kind of. He just handed you some bubble gum from a 1986 Tops pack that he just opened. Yeah, comfort putty.

open yeah comfort putty he yeah oh i loved him though because he you know he would get really he told me about this that crazy thing about how your teeth are incredibly like sensitive first of all like you can feel if you're eating salad right you can feel a grain of sand in salad you know because people think, teeth, they're not very sensitive. They're just like these dumb mallets. And he was sort of offended by that idea. He's like, they're incredibly sensitive. How dare you? This is the kind of stuff.

If we did this material, Jordan, on our upcoming college tour, we'd be canceled so fast. The second we said teeth were dumb mallets when it's it's just the truth okay anybody who knows teeth knows that they're dumb mallets no they're not dumb mallets they're not no classic sjw bullshit for mary roach no no and you know you want to know the other miraculous thing about teeth? Okay. Write it down because it's good material for your tour. Okay. Thank you for playing along. Okay. So when say you're biting down on something like a hard nut, say a peanut, say, okay. And you're biting down hard and there's this moment where the peanut gives way.

Okay. And if your teeth continued to bite down like that, that hard, they would smash into each other and break. So there's this cutoff, this automatic cutoff. Then the muscles stop clenching. And so it's this protective mechanism. And you don't even know about it. You don't even care. You take your teeth for granted.

You think they're dumb mallets. Yeah. See? you think they're dumb mallets yeah i know they're dumb mallets they're not it's so yeah it the the stuff in the book about chewing was so fascinating like and just like that we as humans have an innate need to chew like we just need to and want to do it. And we love, because I was asking him, why do we like crunchy snack foods? And he said, because we love to destroy things. It's very satisfying to destroy, to break things. I was like, yeah, it is. I have not read your latest. Who did you, did you talk to any like, any any folks with hyper-specific points of study for your newest one?

Well, there's – what comes to mind right off the top of my head is the people – okay, when a plane is flying along and it smashes into a bird, okay, and's people who are um forensic ornithologists and their job one of the main things they do is that okay when the plane comes down hopefully it doesn't crash uh um but or if even if it does they collect like what's left of the bird okay to see if they can figure out what what bird it is what has what has adhered? Yeah. Okay. So there's feathers and there's all this instructions on how to send it to the feather identification lab if you have, in fact, a feather. But sometimes all there is, and they have a word for it, it's just like blood and guts. And so you scrape that off and it is called snarge. Wow.

Snarge. Wow. I just like, right now I'm imagining Mary Roach, she just finished the book tour for her last book. She's worn out. What am I going to do? How could I ever write another book? She's at the library paging through microfiche. She comes upon the word snarge and realizes she can write again she finally again that's about how it goes are you pretty damn excited that doesn't sound like the catchphrase

like that paulie shore would have used oh dude i'm gonna snarge bro i going to snarge. Bro, I'm going to snarge, bro. I think it's pretty funny, the idea that there is such a thing as a forensic ornithologist. But, you know, we're not going to be laughing when a fucking nuthatch and a wood thrush go on a bank robbing spree. You know what I mean? Right. We're going to need a forensic ornithologist real quick when the fucking loons get into Fort Knox. A black-capped chickadee is in there. There are types of birds. I can tell you, because there's data on this, that although five chickadees have hit planes, no damage, no significant damage was caused.

Thank you. The FAA keeps track, and the chickadee strike was not an incident that you needed to worry about. What's your top striking bird, according to these? Your most dangerous, well, obviously, your big ones and most dangerous of all, your big ones traveling in a group, your Canada geese. Oh, yeah. The Canada geese. Sure. Yeah.

That's what brought down Sully. Sully. Sully. Yeah. Sully. Right. The Canadian geese down Sully. Sully. Sully. Yeah. Sully. Right. The Canadian geese, they're so polite initially. They are very polite.

They bring down your plane. Yeah. You know, I actually have family experience with animal law enforcement. This is the subject of your book, both literal and non-literal. But this is very much literal. My brother-in-law, Max, shout out to Max, good man. He is an architect. But before he was an architect, he was a park ranger at Yosemite.

And he was a climbing ranger. So mostly he was in charge of climbing up and down various mountain sides, making sure everyone was okay and was climbing legally or whatever, right? But all rangers have to do ranger stuff. And the number one thing that happened to him in the years that he was a ranger at Yosemite was he was rousted in the middle of the night in Yosemite Village or something like that. And had to run through town chasing after a bear in his underpants with a tranquilizer dart gun. Who's in the underpants with a tranquilizer dark gun who's in the underpants that's the kind of stuff we can't do at colleges anymore um but you know what he tranquilized that fucking bear he said he had to like tear through a bunch

of people's like tents and cabins like sort of like in a cartoon where you go in the front door and out the back door. Right. And you're like trailing a laundry, a clothesline behind you. Like the flag on a boat. That is worth, as far as I'm concerned, spending three years of your life as a park ranger just to be able to say that you tore through various people's cabins in your underpants trying to tranquilize a bear. So now why did he need to tranquilize this bear? Oh, this bear was nothing but trouble. It was the magic powers of the animal kingdom.

Now the bear was just tired. Had a hard time getting to sleep. Yeah, it's that thing where the closer you get to being asleep, the little kids, they get crazier and crazier. Can I tell you what my son Oscar has been doing just as he reaches the precipice of sleep lately? He did it tonight. He'll be in bed and he'll just be just you can just see him dancing on the line

between awake and asleep consciousness and unconsciousness he'll be in his bed and you kind of see it flitter through his eyes like oh this is about to be done he's about to he's about to fall out and two times recently as i've been sitting there in in his room waiting for him to fall asleep he has leapt out of bed and said dad can i take off my shirt and pants and i've had to like tell him lie down sweetie get under the covers and then he just falls asleep i don't know what's going on inside him or with he just leaps out of like twice it's happened

he leaps out of bed and says dad can, can I take off my shirt and pants? Well, Jesse, I just don't think you should insist that your children sleep in slacks and a dress shirt. Yes, right. Have you not heard of pajamas? We have church tomorrow, Jordan. We have church tomorrow. Thank you very much. You want to be able to slip right into those loafers and head to church. Yeah. You just imagine yourself at a mind freak show like that. You're not wearing your slacks and your dress shirt. No, my grandkids sleep in the clothes that they want to go to school in the next morning. Because my stepdaughter feels that that is, that saves a lot of hassle in the morning. They're already dressed. Otherwise, it's a huge struggle.

Yeah, I'm not against it. I support it. If I could have like a shoot, like where my kids wake up and a shoot just puts them out the door. And I'm not even talking about could I do it where it would be like B.E. Herman where he falls into his clothes. And speaking of things that happen in cartoons, the shoot wouldn't pass them through all their clothes and then Wallace and Gromit them some eggs and toast or whatever. This shoot would just take them out of my house right away. That I still would support it even if they were just unfed in their pajamas no shoes on the side of the street on the side of the road looking confused until someone felt bad for them and took them to the school uh i would still i

would love that there's nothing more uh there's nothing more challenging than trying to get children to do something when they just woke up literally anything uh mary did you get to interact with any like animals face to face while you were making this book uh yeah yeah there was uh uh i spent some time in aspen, which has significant bear problems. And I wanted to... Yeah, I hear they're really sleepy up there. I hear the bears are really... But they wear their underpants.

Right. At all times. In public. Your heart boxers on. It's very funny. Yeah. Yeah. So the problem with... you know, of course I wanted – this is a book about animals and I wanted animals to be in it.

But you can't set up an interview, you know. You can't – they're not cooperative wild animals. They're not – they don't show up on time. Sign language gorillas. Yeah, right. It's like rappers. It's hard to even figure out who their fucking publicist is. Exactly.

Who am I even supposed to email? Exactly. It was hell. So I thought, okay, well, Aspen, they seem to have a lot of bears there. So I said to the researcher, I didn't tell him this before I got there, but I said, okay, do you mind if we get up at 3.30 in the morning and drive downtown just to see if there's any bears in the back alleys behind the restaurants, as you say that there are frequently. So he was amenable to that. So at three in the morning, we stumbled down. We needed the have, we needed the chute.

We needed the chute to bring us to the lobby of the La Quinta Inn, whatever the hell. You got to slide down that La Quinta chute. Mary, you're losing our audience here. Our audience are just regular salt of the earth, lunch pail Joes. You're losing them with all this talk about the La Quinta Inn in Aspen. Going to Aspen, staying at the La Quinta. Well, we didn't. We were not in Aspen because he's a government employee and his per diem was like one-tenth of what it would cost to stay in Aspen. So we had to drive 30 minutes at three in the morning to get to downtown Aspen. I left that part out. But I've put it in now just to satisfy you.

I get it. That's like when I went to Sundance. I get it. Okay, yeah. So, you know, anyway, a lot keen to end. To all our listeners collecting Marriott points, I'd just like to say bon voyage. Bon voyage. Bon voyage.

Bon voyage to you all. Bon voyage. Bon voyage. Bonvoy. That's the official greeting of the Marriott Rewards Program. I know it is. I've seen the ad. Bonvoy. Bonvoy.

Bonvoy is also the mind freak that Criss Angel defeated. Right. The great Bonvoy. Bonvoy. Killed that guy dead and stepped on his throat. Yeah. Did you get to see any bears okay so yeah we we showed up downtown and behind the alley back behind the restaurant by god there was well first there was just a big garbage bag just split open and with its guts everywhere and scene of the crime we obviously had just missed the bear. And I was like, ah, shit, you know, we just missed him. And he said, just pull over here. He'll be back. And he or she, he or she. And within five minutes, the bear came back. Two bears. It was two bears. And we were like 15 feet away from a couple of bears who were nosing through. And it was actually, it was good stuff. It was from some Italian restaurant, some fancy Italian restaurant that also couldn't, you know, wouldn't work on the government per diem.

The bears could eat it. The bears could eat it. The leftovers from Steve Martin's dinner the previous night. Were the bears friends or? I don't know. They may have been family. There was a subtle competition. I don't know. They may have been family. There was a subtle competition.

The smaller bear definitely had to step back. I think when they got to the crab legs, I think that the little bear got muscled out. The big bear got Steve Martin's leftovers and the little bear just got Martin Short's leftovers. The big bear got the overflow Sundance swag bags with the iPads. Mary, I want to ask you a follow-up question to this question about whether you met any animals in reporting this book. Did you get tricked by any monkeys in recording this book? I got mugged by a monkey.

Now we're talking. I did. I got mugged. I was kind of asking for it because I was carrying a bag of bananas and I... Well, that's on you. It's the classic mistake. The police will tell you that over and over and over don't have any visible bananas yeah it was basically making yourself a monkey version of leaving your laptop in the back of your car that's what i did yeah let's not let's not victim blame though this is this is on the monkeys you know what i mean sure you should be able to carry a giant sack of bananas wherever you want to without being accosted by monkeys.

Whether or not it's monkey country. It was monkey country. But they were slick, man. They were coming up this trail, actually down this trail. There's some ruins. This is in India. And there's a fort up on the hill. And I knew there were a bunch of monkeys up there.

So I'm coming down the trail, and then I see this little head sticks up from behind a rock. It's kind of like waiting for the stagecoach to come. And then he steps into the trail, and we're sizing each other up. I'm a little nervous because they can do some damage, these monkeys. But while I'm looking at this one, this other one comes out from behind, from the side of the trails and grabs the bag. So either they were working together or, I don't know, their competition. I'm not sure.

I like to think they were a team. What was the bag of bananas for? What did you intend to do with them? Thanks, Jordan. I kind of wanted to see what it was like to be mugged by a monkey because so you were taunting them but the but they were in a bag you could not see that they were bananas it was just a pink one of those plastic market bags you know they they didn't know i wasn't dangling i wasn't going here here here's

a banana you want the banana it was definitely just i'm walking along with a bag just minding minding my own business it was yeah so it was just like a situation where they were just stealing the bag and when they got it home they're like oh shit like exactly exactly it's like a coen brothers movie some some guy just finds a bag of money. Yeah. It was the monkey equivalent. They have a bag of cash. I had a similar situation happen to me one time.

Well, before I started podcasting, I was a peddler. And at the time, I was selling hats. Just, well, caps, really really, traveling from town to town. A peddler. And I would just put caps for sale, caps for sale, I would say. I kept these caps in a pile on top of my head, reaching into the sky. The gray check caps green caps red caps and i had happened to have fallen asleep underneath the tree jordan

and mary in this true story right and so this is a true story and not like a a children's book yeah no it's a thing when i was a peddler right but this before i don't want to give you the impression this is since i became a podcast previous in my previous career as a peddler um and i would say we of course you probably would have already heard of me because of my i i probably traveled through your village crying caps for sale anyway i fell asleep under this tree you won't believe what these fucking monkeys did stole the caps every single fucking one of the caps except of course my caps thank god right my cap's still there right because i gotta protect the old paint you know what i mean so jesse whatever happened to that guy who was trying to get you to eat green eggs and ham?

Are you talking about Sam I Am? I think that's his name, yeah. I honestly couldn't tell you, Jordan. I honestly couldn't tell you. But thanks for bringing that shit up again. God. Sorry. I didn't mean to make you re-litigate the past. I know. Well, I would not fucking let go of it.

Right. I'm telling him all these different ways that I'm not going to eat this fucking green eggs and ham. You know what I mean? I won't eat them. Sam, I am. Yeah, but would you eat them in a box? The whole nine yards. Yeah.

Yeah. You bet you would. Were the monkeys, when they were stealing from you were they cute or were they threatening was that a question for me or me i'd like to hear both of your perspectives we both have true experiences with this right both are real equally real uh i'll i'll ask i'll ask mary first and then you jesse uh they you know it was it was it was it was it was over very quickly so right there wasn't really time to be afraid just grab it there's a snatch and grab and go i feel like you hear you hear you know you hear

the stories about the people who like keep the pet chimps and when they get to the you know when they reach adolescence they will inevitably tear off your face and genitals yeah and so now anytime i see anything from that genus of animal i'm like nothing's gonna rip off my face and genitals i have like i feel like i've heard so many of those stories the i have no i cannot think a monkey is cute now like it's they have become unenjoyable to me just because i know that you know somewhere you know in their line um you know there's something that's gonna rip off my face and genitals yeah but, that's not fair to the monkey because a chimp is an ape. That's an ape. It's not a monkey.

No, yeah, I know. The monkey anti-defamation league is going to be on your case. So what will a monkey do to my genitals then? Very nice things. Very nice things. Oh, well. And they're trainable.

I got that prehensile tale. Yeah. From Mary's book fuzz after dark right oh man did i ever tell you my ape story jordan no uh-uh um are you just gonna tell the story of king kong i live near i live near stanford university in Woodside, California. This is before I became a peddler. Right. And my lifelong dream was to teach a gorilla to speak.

Ah, okay. I know where this is going. Sure, go ahead. So I bought a gorilla from the San Francisco Zoo. Borrowed it, really. Long-term loan. Gorilla's name is Coco the Gorilla, Jordan. Anyway, got it a cat.

Cat got hit by a car. It was a whole fucking thing. But in the end, gorilla learns to talk. So good for me. I'm like, I'm done with this. I'm going to become a peddler. Right. And the gorilla was constantly asking

to see your nipples, right? Right. And the gorilla was constantly asking to see your nipples, right? I had actually lost them a few years earlier in a horrible accident. A chimp accident. Are we still trying to teach apes sign language or are we done with that? What the fuck? Write a book about that, Mary. Write a book about how we taught a gorilla to talk. And then we were like, well, we've done that. Maybe we're still doing it. I don't know. Maybe we should stop going, Mary.

Stop going to fucking olive oil tastings and maybe spend a little time. Did you like that part from Gulp? That was a cool part. I think about that a lot. Oh, yeah. That's embarrassing. Yeah. Americans don't know their olive oil is rancid.

That's what I learned from that. I sure didn't. Yeah. Mary. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. They're still teaching them to talk. Good question. Whatever happened to that? of your work is that you will go through the literature pretty extensively. You're a real reporter.

You're a real science writer. You'll really take some time to consider the science and what it means, what its implications are for our lives. But also, I think you are careful to write down what happened in any studies of something funny that it's funny that someone studied yeah uh all kinds of things did you find any such studies in your research for fuzz did you find anyone studying anything ridiculous in the literature uh i i did find well i got caught up in this um okay canada geese people get pissed off at canada geese because they shit where somebody wants to golf is basically the problem yeah or maybe a playground so people are pissed at them

for shitting and if you go on- Plus they constantly say Drake is the greatest rapper of all time. The fuck? Rakim? We had so many other choices. I have no idea where that just came from. Drake is Canadian. So I think Canadians

are Canadians particularly attached to Drake. Thank you, Jordan. Or maybe cardinal official, but go ahead. Okay. So. These Canada geese love Rush. I'm always talking about Rush. Yeah.

Yes. We have seen trailer park boys. That's how geese, that's about the noise that a goose makes, right? No, but that's okay. Okay. Thanks, Mary. Very wrong. Okay, so if you go on to websites of people who you can call, like Goosebusters and other really clever titles like that.

Wait, who are you going to call? Goosebusters. Okay. You're going to call Goosebusters. I hope they're all men because. Yeah. Oh, God, yes. I would hate it. Female Goosebusters. Okay. You're going to call it goosebusters. I hope they're all men because. Yeah. Oh, God, yes. I would hate it.

Oh, yeah. Female goosebusters. Oh, no. That'd be. Yeah. So, but they have a lot of kind of outrageous claims like the Canada goose defecates four pounds a day or a pound and a half or two pounds or three pounds. One, actually, there's a newspaper story in some New Jersey newspaper that said, this is a newspaper that said the Canada goose defecates twice its weight daily, which would be like 40 pounds of goose shit, which is ridiculous.

So anyway, I wanted to find the truth. And so I went to Google Scholar where all the legitimate papers are. And it took a while, but there was somebody who went out and actually measured some goose turds for various reasons, not to debunk Goose Busters and other. He had his own reasons for weighing goose shit. But the answer is it was like a third of a pound wet weight per day. That's it. And that's wet weight.

Yeah, okay. It was even dry, even as nothing. It's like fairy dust. You dry that out. You put that in your food dehydrator. What do you got left? An ounce at most. That's why goose shit jerky is so expensive.

They're mad that the geese shit, in my mind, poultry shit is one of the top things to put on your grass. How come they put chicken shit all over the grass then if you're not allowed to have goose shit on your golf course? They don't put chicken shit all over the grass. They put chicken shit in the garden. You put it in your garden. You don't put it on there. And if you did, it'd be kind of the

small amounts in a liquid or something anyway. But I agree with you. Mary, what kind of bird shit do you put on the grass? Because I'm opening a golf course. And I could use your help. Tit mouse shit. Oh, thank you. Oh, of course.

Thank you. Tit shit. It's the number one type of. Mary, you've also taken the opportunity to learn a lot about, I mean, something that I think will become clear to our listeners is your commitment in writing a book about animals to learning about different kinds of animals that can be impacted by different kinds of transportation. hitting airplanes is cars hitting deers and other deer-like creatures, the category deer-like creatures. It also includes elk and – Moose. Moose.

Camel. Tick-ticks. What are those called? Dick-ticks? Dick-ticks. Dick-ticks. No, your dick-tick is so short, you just run right over it and it won't even notice. Not a problem.

Story of my life. Not a problem. You're my life. Not a problem. You're telling me. You can hit a dick dick. Yeah. They're short, but they're wide. That's what matters. So, Mary, what is the current state of the research on a thing that is like, especially with moose, but also with deer, extraordinary.

Like the thing about a moose is if you hit a deer with your car, you can cause a serious car accident. You know, that's a problem. If you hit a moose with your car, the moose wins. Yeah, you know. Yeah, exactly. Because you hit the moose is so tall, as is an elk or a camel. It's so tall that you're going to hit the legs. So you knock the legs out from under, and this entire enormous body, head, and possibly antlers comes crashing through the windscreen,

and part of the roof collapses. And so you have a lot of, I can quote you some numbers on it. And there are people who are quadriplegics after hitting camels or, yeah, the camel study. There is a study on camels in Saudi Arabia. It's a problem in Saudi Arabia because if you hit a camel, if you survive and you kill the camel, you have to compensate the camel owner. So the camel owners sometimes kind of shoo their older camels onto the road so that they'll get the money in compensation. This was in a paper by a researcher in Riyadh about the situation with hitting camels. Jordan did this to me because he was hoping to hire Michael Strahan in my place.

Yeah. People call them camels, but they're really scammels. You can use them for scams. And Jordan, if they have one hump, they're scammadaries. Right, scammadary. Do you guys want to take a break? I actually have to shit twice my own weight.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, join. We're grateful to you this and every week. Also, this podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy. We talk about BetterHelp a lot on this show. This month, we're discussing some of the stigmas about mental health. Jordan and I both receive mental health care. Yeah, it's really great. And I know what they mean here when they say stigmas, because I think a lot of times, or at least for me personally, I think I avoided seeing a therapist for a long time because I thought it was something that maybe meant that you were weak or you couldn't deal with problems yourself or something like that. But no, it's actually just a really great thing that you can do for yourself. It's great in times of crisis.

It's great just for everyday things that you need to work out. And because you do therapy, it doesn't mean you're weird or that you're a joke or that you're failing as a human somehow. It's a really, really great thing you can do for yourself. And yeah, and BetterHelp is a great option for finding therapy. Here's what it is. It's customized online therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions. Jesse, I do therapy via video, and I think it's a great way to go because your pet can be there with you. You know what? I'm not even going to lie to you, Jordan. That is a big, important, positive thing to me about doing therapy. I have also been doing therapy remotely. And I can't even tell you the number of times I've thought about texting my therapist.

Shout out Dr. Munson. I've thought about texting my therapist ahead of an in-person therapy session. Is it okay if I bring my dog? And I've never actually gotten to the point of doing that. But my dog makes regular appearances in my remote therapy. However you find therapy, we're glad for you to have the help. Um, I know for me, I already knew I was weak. Uh, but I, I, you know, I grew up with some very seriously mentally ill people and, uh, I kind of thought like,

well, I'm not broken. I'm pretty functional, uh, and put off therapy for a long time because of that and i'm glad that i realized that therapy is is about a lot more than like total non-functionality and when later i became totally non-functional i was grateful that i had a healthy therapeutic relationships uh that could help me work through that there There are, of course, many ways to get therapy. BetterHelp is one of them. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp. And Jordan Jesse Go listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash jjgo.

That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P.com slash jjgo. We're also supported this week by the folks at Wealthfront. Now, Jordan, a lot of our listeners have probably been hearing a lot about stonks. Stonks is a fun word

to describe a weird online cult that I don't exactly understand that involves... It has something to do with GameStop and a gif of a monkey smoking a joint, I think. Yeah, not entirely clear. I'm pretty sure that it's destabilizing the financial system. And if you just want if you just want stonks, look, there's a lot of apps that can provide you with stonks. But you know what?

Wealthfront isn't just some way to buy stonks. It's much more than just stonks. It doesn't stink like stonks. Yeah, here's what you do. You can start investing in no time with Wealthfront's classic portfolio or make it your own with things that you care about like socially responsible funds. There's also hundreds of other investments on there that you can check out. It was designed by financial experts to help you turn your good ideas into great investments without the hassle of doing everything yourself.

And you don't have to join some financial system destabilizing Reddit cult to do it. Wealthfront's trusted with over $28 billion in assets, helping nearly half a million people build their wealth. To start building your wealth and get your first $5,000 managed for free for life, go to Wealthfront.com slash JJ Go. That's Wealthfront, W-E-A-L-T-H-F-R-O-N-T.com slash JJ Go to start building your wealth. That's Wealthfront.com slash JJ Go to get started today. love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you

love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you

love you love you love you It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

And Mary Bobo Roach. Bobo? Named after the famous crotch and face tearing chimpanzee I think it's Bonobos Those are Bonobos No Bobo

I don't think they sponsor us anymore No No Bobo is my There's a place called Vic's Chathouse where they have a really bad sound system where the microphone turns everyone's name into, so Mary is just, so I give the name Bobo because it's, you can hear the syllables Bobo. That's really clever. Thank you. They know me syllables Bobo. That's really clever. Thank you.

They know me as Bobo. And now I'm kind of fond of it. I've often, when traveling in a strange city, found that when I am on the subway, every station announcement sounds like station. And station is the part that I knew already. Yeah, except the bobo station very clear very clear get off at bobo get off at bobo you won't miss it catch the catch the l at bobo is there is there an animal that you completely reconsidered because of your reporting for this book mary and we're gonna have momentous occasions in a second. I just want to list animals for a while. Yeah. When I was a child, my favorite animal was the

elephant for all those... I don't know why. They're kind of... I don't know. They're not... It isn't now my favorite animal, but at the time... Mary, let me throw this out there. I'm going to give you a couple ideas. First of all, very big. Second of all, crazy nose. couple ideas first of all very big second of all crazy nose i know why did i like them why i don't yeah i don't know what does that say about me as a child but anyway i was very fond of them but come to find out as i spent some time in elephant country in india uh uh they're they they 500 people a year killed by elephants in India. Holy cow. People get – well, it's not entirely the elephant's fault. The elephants come through in those little villages with a plot of crops that they're growing that they depend on. Like 20 elephants come through, trample it, half of it, eat the rest of it.

So people get upset. And they may have been drinking and they run out at night. And they're screaming at the elephants and they have stakes with fire and firecrackers. And they're, you know, the elephants panic and there's a stampede and people get crushed. That's what happens all the time. It's possible that you misread. Are you talking about elephants or Frankensteins? Oh, Jesus.

Yeah. Yeah. That's why I call them scammophants you can tell an african scammophant from an indian one by the shape of the ear yeah yeah uh when something momentous happens you, like one of those fucking elephants is trampling and eating your crops again, give us a call 206-984-4FUN or send us a voice memo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. Here is a momentous occasion. Jordan, Jesse, and guests, I want to say Abraham Lincoln Ghost. This is Tyler from Southboro, Massachusetts. I wanted to call in with a romantic occasion on behalf of my son. In an earlier episode, it was told that a qualifying romantic occasion was if you headbutt your dad.

And my two-year-old did headbutt me twice. Once, I think on accident, right in the genitals, in which he said his head hurt after that. So I scooped him up to give him a little kiss on the hurt area, as one does. And he decided to use the opportunity to headbutt me again in the teeth. So he headbutted his dad. That seems to be by definition a womanification. So I am duty bound to report it on behalf of my son. Thanks. Love the show. Love you guys. Bye. Last week at the flea market, Frankie punched me in the dick.

It's my four-year-old Mary. She's square in the schvanz any any particular reason were you like you know were you not buying ice cream when you should have been what was the deal she just gets a fire in her eyes and then punches me in the dick that's kind of how it goes i like you work on emotional regulation it shouldn't be out at the flea market though jesse that's fair that's fair um yeah i think being headbutted by your child any significant act of violence against you by your child could count as a momentous occasion it doesn't have to be a headbutt anything that a soccer hooligan would do. I'd love to hear about a kid who gets a hold of a crossbow.

Oh, man. That would be amazing. Do you think Bo Jackson has children? Because he definitely has crossbows. Yeah. I mean, yeah. If you're Bo Jackson, you have small children. Bo, lock up your crossbows.

God. Get those trigger locks for your crossbows. god get get those get trigger locks for your crossbows i'm so tired of the nca uh buying our legislators and and blocking even common sense crossbow legislation right i mean it's as simple i don't think there should be crossbows in our cities at all of course except of course i think longbows are appropriate for hunting. But crossbows, those are siege weapons. Exactly. Those are purely military weapons.

We shouldn't have military-grade weapons in the hands of gang members in our inner cities, Jordan. That's true. Not to mention these ghost crossbows. Have you heard about these? Shave the serial numbers off. You can 3d print them now yeah buy them from ghosts i don't know it's just some fucking crossbow shit we're saying uh brian we got another call in there hey jordan jesse and guy branham this is jessica calling calling from the Chicagoland area. I had, as many of us did, a really shitty 2021.

And throughout other things, I miscarried. My husband and I decided we were going to stop trying to have kids. And so as a Christmas treat to myself, I started leasing a horse. And I'm horseback riding again, which I haven't done since probably for 15 years regularly. It's my favorite thing in the world. So I am calling you from atop a horse. I am in Burr Ridge, Illinois at the therapeutic riding barn where I ride. I'm riding a horse named Prince. It's about 50 degrees here in the Chicagoland area the day after Christmas.

So I'm sure that's fine. Anyway, love you guys. Thanks for helping me get through this horrible year. Goodbye. So sure. That's fine. Anyway, love you guys. Uh, thanks for helping me get through this horrible year. Goodbye. Of course. Thank you for sharing that with us. Uh, by the way, um, many more people have miscarriages than, um, uh, than you may know or realize if you're listening to this, uh, it's always nice to hear somebody talking about it publicly and be very comforting to others um my wife and i went through that so uh it is a it is a great thing now um i guess my main concern with this call is what if the horse rips off the face and genitals right i'm also

afraid of getting kicked by a horse i guess i'm afraid of a lot of animals now that i'm now that i'm cataloging all of my animal fears what would you say are your top five animals that you're concerned about number five oh i can i can probably go let me go first to let me go first to worst um because top two are monkey and horse monkey being one um i really cherish my face and to a lesser extent my genitals but right yeah i mean if they were longer apes yeah apes apes yeah apes are a type of monkey technically mary no they're not they're not and there's you don't put tabs in the grinder you don't put tabs in the grinder monkeys don't rip off your dick god damn it tailless monkeys they're a type of tailless monkey look mary biologists use biologists use a standard test to figure out if something is a monkey you probably read about this in the research they get a peddler with a With a huge pile of caps.

So one shit their fists. I'll say ape. Yeah. Monkeys, I have a lesser concern that they're going to steal my bag of bananas. Apes, your bigger concern is they're going to talk shit. Right. Their sign language. One of them, anyway.

Yeah. Fine animal, gorilla, shit animal,ordan morris right shit animal um two is horse because i'm really afraid of being kicked by a horse i don't know you know maybe i just like saw it happen in a movie as a kid yeah but for whatever reason when i see a horse i'm like that's so you're afraid that it will approach you and kick you yes or do you so it's not that you spend time standing behind them you just are afraid it's going to see you run up and kick you i'm afraid i'll accidentally find myself behind it like inadvertently as one does that's fair yeah all right The thing about a horse, Mary, is a horse is way too big. A horse should be the size of-

It's heavy. It's very heavy. You know how some people see a big dog, like a really big dog, and they're like, that dog's the size of a horse. I think that you could make an argument that they're incorrect. I would argue that they are correct in the sense that that's the size a horse should be. That's plenty. You know what I mean? Great Dane is plenty big. Because if a Great Dane kicked you backwards, I mean, I'm not saying it would be easy. It wouldn't be a walk in the park, but it wouldn't be nearly as bad as one of these clip-cloppers that got out there at these farms these days.

So I'm going to say three is Jaws. Specifically Jaws. The Jaws at Universal Studios, not the Jaws from the movie. So you're concerned about my tram getting eaten. Right. I mean, who hasn't woken up in the middle of the night thinking to yourself, especially now that we have so much stress in our lives, wake up in the middle of the night,

think to myself, fuck, something's going to eat my tram. Four, scorpion. Right, that's fair. It's going to be right there in your boot. It's going to be in your boot. Yes, it's going to be in your boot. Yep.

And for the last one, I am going to just kind of retroactively say that this is, I think, the scariest animal to me. And that's man. Because they're the only ones who can spread hate on the internet.

Yeah, plus crossbows. Yeah, sure. They invented the crossbow. They invented doxing yeah man's the most dangerous animal when you think about it that's why i hunt him most dangerous game style mary what uh what are your uh most feared animals of course elephants we learned about that you're terrified they're going to eat your crops no i'm now for me it's it's um uh uh depending on where i am mosquitoes i don't want to get that chicken gunya you know that disease chicken gunya first of all sorry i don't know i don't know this chicken gunya although i did i think he played for the

pittsburgh crawfords in 1928. I don't want to get chicken guña. The only good thing about having chicken guña is you get to say that word a lot. Yeah, that's fun. It's the same with tsetse flies. Sure, they'll give you a sleeping sickness. Tsetse.

Remember when we were all lining up for three hours for the Popeye's chicken guña? It seems so long ago look i've lost my sense of time i've lost my sense of time the reason of course got bit by a tsetse fly now i have sleeping sickness uh so skeeters so you're saying skeeters. Mosquitoes and certain bacteria. Oh, yeah. Sure. Flesh eating. The flesh eating bacteria.

Exactly. And that one that you get C. diff where you're just shitting until you die. That one. Yeah. That one's really rough. No one does. Jesse, are you afraid of any animals? Well, I think you're dead on being afraid of horses.

Yeah. 100%. They don't... Yeah, I think the thing about horses is that people are riding on them. So you know that in some cases they will let you ride on them. But it doesn't seem... it never seems secure to me you know what i mean couldn't agree more they're trampling beasts yeah what if they just decide not to not to be ridden you know yeah uh besides besides that i'm also going to go with wildebeests because I'm, again, concerned about trampolines.

Sure. Besides that, I'm going to say this is not an animal, but trampolines. Right. Concerned about tramping. Yeah. And more especially wildebeests on trampolines. Oh, boy. Besides that, I'm going to say tramps and hobos.

Right. Stealing my pies all the time. I can't eat it when it's too hot. I got to cool it somewhere. And your hats, too. Yeah. And in conclusion, I guess, is it tigers or something? You know?

Servals. That's the answer. It's servals because they can jump too far. Yeah. What's a serval? They can jump too far. A serval is a type of cat that can jump too far. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It can jump too far. It can. They got these legs that can jump too far. You never know when you're safe with a serval. You might be within its sphere of influence. Just a big fat liar. No. The servals? Yes. They can jump too far a serval. You might be within its sphere of influence. Just a big fat liar. No.

The servals? Yes. Jump to serval. That's why I call them scamvals. Do we have, was that our second call? That was our second call. We're fine. We're fine.

You know, we had the Sklar brothers on the show recently, Jordan. Jessica Zucker, who's one of the Sklar Brothers' wife, is also a PhD, and she wrote a beautiful book about miscarriages. So I recommend that. OK, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. You're in a theater. The lights go down. You're about to get swept up by the characters and all their little details and interpersonal dramas.

You look at them and think, that person is so obviously in love with their best friend. Wait, am I in love with my best friend? That character's mom is so overbearing. Why doesn't she just stand up to her? Oh God, do I need to stand up to my own mother? If you've ever recognized yourself in a movie, then join me, Jordan Krosciola,

for the podcast Feeling Seen. We've talked to author Susan Orlean on realizing her own marriage was falling apart after watching Adaptation, an adaptation of her own work, and comedian Hari Kondabolu on why Harold and Kumar was a depressingly important movie for Southeast Asians.

So join me every Thursday for the Feeling Seen podcast here on Maximum Fun. I'm Lisa Hanawalt. And I'm Emily Heller. Nine years ago, we started a podcast to try and learn something new every episode. Things have gone a little off the rails since then. Tune in to hear about low stakes neighborhood drama, gardening, the sordid nasty underbelly of the horse girl lifestyle, hot sauce,

addiction to TV and sweaty takes on celebrity culture and the weirdest, grossest stuff you can find on wikipedia.org. We'll read all of it no matter how gross.

There's something for everyone on our podcast, Baby Geniuses. Hosted by us, two horny adult idiots. Hang out with us as we try and fail to retain any knowledge at all. Every other week on Maximum Fun. It's Jordan, Jesse Go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Mary Bobo Roach. It's never less than a joy to have you on our program. What a tremendous honor to have you on our show. You're one of a very short list of reputable people who are willing to come on our show, much less willing to come on our show a second time. So we thank you for this uh and i hope that everyone will go out and buy your book fuzz because it is delightful as are all of your books oh thank you thank you thank you and chicken i mostly i think also a lot about... Bonvoy and chicken goody, yeah. I also think a lot about that they have to put...

That they dust dog food with a smell powder to trick dogs into eating it. And also that dog food is mostly just created to give dogs a certain consistency of poop that's comforting to humans. Yeah. That was one of my favorite discoveries. What was that, for gulp? Yeah, that was for gulp. Yeah, that was for gulp. Did you ever eat dog food, Mary?

You know what? When I was a kid, I used to eat cat kibble just to show off. Friskies. I think it was friskies. I got a little party trick. It was my party trick, yeah. That and peanuts in the shell. Sometimes I'd do that, yeah. Holy cow, so you were really getting your roughage. And some attention. Yes. A lot of people would

say, man, Mary knows how to party and her BMs are so regular. Tightly coiled. In high school. In high school, that's the kind of thing they would say. Jordan, you ever eat dog food? No. I've always been pretty grossed out by pet food.

I've eaten it 100%. Wet or dry? just dry there was a red plastic trash can at my mom's house when I was a kid and I ate dog food out of it isn't that something I'm proud of? it's just a reality of my life

it's common, you're not alone you know, I feel like in the last couple years as we've been dealing with this horrible situation in the world, we all have our own ways of finding peace. Some people have taken up mindfulness. Some people exercise. You know, Jordan, you've been running and swimming a lot. Mary has been writing down the names of funny research studies um and i've been eating dog food

which is food for dogs ordinarily in this case it becomes people food because i'm eating it just food just say it's all just food man that's a really good point one time uh one time my friend julia used to be the producer of bullseye was at the office. And she was eating one of these bowls of quinoa. And I was like, man, do you like eating the bowl of quinoa? And she just said, it's just fuel to me. And I was like, man, I wish I could do that. Just eat a bowl of fucking quinoa, get pumped up, and take care of business? There are some people who don't like food

that much regular i know yeah no it really is something because it's real important yeah every time i it took me a long time to realize that those people aren't lying to me i think some people just don't like food that much or it's not like super important to them um yeah anyway yeah i i i believe you now i don't like food people but there was a time when i did not believe you yeah i you know what you know what was the moment that i truly believed it because it was a lot i was the same in the same boat as you for a long time um i saw a man whose crops were stomped by an elephant,

and he didn't even come out there with a fire stick. He just said, it's not a big deal. I don't care about food very much. I don't like it very much, yeah. Yeah. Anyway. Mary Roach's new book is called Fuzz. You should go buy Mary's book and all of Mary's books.

They're a fucking delight. You could hardly find a more pleasant book to read before bed or on vacation. When that becomes a thing again, it's a great thing to read on vacation. It'll get you through a whole airplane flight. That's a great time to read a Mary Roach book. plane flight, that's a great time to read a Mary Roach book. Or we just want to learn about science, which in a lot of ways is the mind freak of our times. Yes, indeed.

Mary, congratulations, by the way, to Mary Roach for winning the Mind Freak of the Year Award from the National Science Foundation. Thank you very much. You're welcome. Our producer, Brian Sonny d fernandez valerie moffitt is there on the uh on the live stream uh a car is honking outside my door um our theme music is love you do you think it's my car i don't know let's see it's not not mine. Let's find out. Is it your ride picking you up for school? Yeah. God damn it, I missed the shoot again. Love you by the free design.

Love you by the free design, courtesy of the free design, and Light in the Attic Records is a theme song of Jordan Jesse. Once you're done buying Mary's book, you should go buy the best of the free design because it's really awesome. It's really great. You can find us on Reddit at maximumfund.reddit.com. You can find us on Twitter at Jordan underscore Morris at Jesse Thorne. We're both on Instagram as well. You can hashtag your tweets, hashtag JJ go. We always love hearing about what you think about the show, unless it's negative, in which case we don't love hearing about it. It kind of hurts.

It makes us feel bad a little bit. Yeah, we're not here to grow or improve. We're just here to recap children's books. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica. Thank you. next time on Jordan, Jesse, God.