Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 723: Robots In This Guy with Blaire Erskine

Episode Date: February 2, 2022

Blaire Erskine (Jimmy Kimmel Live!) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of how she rescued her cow from the brink of death, the defunct rotating restaurant at LAX, and famous ducks on Instagram. ��

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, outdoorsy. I don't think this is, now hold on Jordan, now excuse me Jordan. Hi, am I talking to my friend Jordan or is there a new guy named Jordan that I'm talking to? Same guy, new toad. Wow. Because previously you were known for your rude toad. Right. And now it's an outdoorsy toad. Okay. Tell me about how this happened.

Did you just get a, do you mean that you got a polar fleece vest? Oh, no, I've not gotten a polar fleece vest. I think I would, you know, still in L.A., so it's not the climate for polar fleece. All right. I just thought I heard you say you were outdoorsy, but it's fine. Go ahead. No, no. I'm outdoorsy.

Yeah. I'm looking into getting the shoes with the individual toes. I'm looking into it. Good enough. I'm pricing them. Yeah, I'll take that. I'm looking into it. Good enough. I'm pricing them. Yeah, I'll take that. I'm pricing them. Maybe get some stretch pants.

Not like leggings, but regular pants with a good amount of stretch in them. Oh, I do have a fitness tracker on every extremity. Oh, good. There you go. I have one around my neck, like a dog collar. Right. One on each arm. Well, the one on your neck is to train you not to bark.

That's right. Yeah. It shocks me if I bark at the Postmates guy. Jordan, it releases citronella, a pungent citronella spray. Which is a shocking scent. That's what I meant. That's true. Okay.

So why are you outdoors each day? Well, I went on one hike yeah today uh-huh um i i realized since i'd moved to pasadena i had not i had not done any of its you know local hikes you know a lot of great you know kind of like public public parks public spaces here and i'm like why should i should be taking advantage of these hikes. You gotta get down to Ha Ha Mongna. Oh, where's that? La Cunata Flintridge.

Oh, yeah, the beautiful La Cunata Flintridge. Yeah, Ha Ha Mongna. If you're ever at La Cunata Flintridge, get yourself breakfast at the Fox Diner. Oh, thank you. Don't mind if I do. Anyway, nothing funny about that just a nice local recommendation anyway so i was having a hike i was at the eaton canyon trailhead um because you know what they say eaton ain't cheating yep so you're not cheating on one of those hikes in

hollywood area oh yeah i'm not I'm not cheating on Griffith Park. Laurel Canyon. Just because I go to Eaton and I munch box. So, and, you know, having a great, you know, little saunter outdoors. Got an audio book in my ears and a song in my heart. Yeah. And I'm like, hey, it doesn't matter that we can't do actual fun things. I got this.

Yeah, sure. I got this dumb thing. Where are you even going? Back where you started, apparently. Oh, you know, and I saw Pastor and Jesse go against Allie Gertz out there. Oh, that's always fun. Always nice to see Allie Gertz. Absolutely.

And so, yeah. But also, that was maybe the second best thing that I saw. First best thing that I saw out there on Eaton is a guy walking a cat had stopped to talk to a guy walking a rooster. It seems like a powder keg of a situation to me. Yeah, you know, you would think that the rooster was so much bigger than the cat. Yeah. It was a little, it was a tiny kitty who looked terrified. I mean, I know cats usually looked terrified. That's like their resting face, but I could sense the terror from this cat.

Do cats hate going for walks, or do they like that they see a little bird and they think maybe they could eat it? You know, it's a great question. I would, you know, I'll open this up. I would love to hear if there's any cat walkers in the audience. I might like to hear about like what that, if, yeah.

Sorry. I know, that was, if there's any cat walkers, if there's any day walkers, if there's any day walkers, if blade is listening, if a, if, uh, the product of an unholy union between human and vampire is listening, tell us what it's like to be a vampire that can come out in the day and walk your cat. Jordan, I just got a text message. Sorry. Um, I'm just going to let's hear you look at this. Oh, sorry. We, we, we recorded our ad break earlier, but I just got a text message from Kira, our ad person,

and we have a sponsor on the show that we didn't, we have to get in here before we get our guest on. Is that okay? Sure. Yeah. I mean, we can just do that now. This is the first time I've seen this. I didn't write it on my phone while I was waiting for my kid to fall asleep.

It's just something I'm just seeing. Apparently our sponsor on this week's Jordan, Jesse go is network television shows, network television shows. It says here, and this is just the copy that David sent me. Kira sent me from David. You've seen them on football game and bus stop.

You've heard about them at mom's house. Your dental hygienist loves them. Now you can to. Network television shows. Whether it's the guy from Office Space or a lady from your improv class, holy cow, or Blossom from Blossom, you won't believe who's co-starring with Alicia Silverstone on network television shows. Benjamin Bratt's a wonderful artist who's given us so much. Doesn't he deserve a relatively easy job fighting fires or being the patriarch of something? That's right. Network TV shows. Have you watched a movie from the 90s recently, seen a great performer and wondered what happened to

them? That's right. They've been on network TV for 10 years. What about Jimmy Smith? He's got to eat and Selena Gomez needs a grandpa. Network television shows. Your aunt watches TV. She likes when they solve the crime. Network television shows. A lot of people work as grips, which is a type of electrician. More lighting, more lights, more grips. Not every show has to be moody. Let's see what Ricky Schrader's up to. No shadows allowed. Everybody's doing a good job. Everybody's a pro making a union wage network television shows. Everybody Loves Raymond was good.

They don't have that on AMC. Maybe March Madness counts. Does that count? Maybe, probably. I bet if Stephen King wanted to direct again, ABC would let him if he got Rob Lowe or whatever. You want to watch it? Could be good. You'd check it out at least. Network television shows. There are so fucking many of these things. Dozens, hundreds maybe. I don't know. Is Chicago Hook still on? Maybe. Who the fuck knows? Network television shows. Anna Faris

rules. She wants to spend more time with her kids. Let her do it. Network television shows. What about tornadoes? They're on network television shows. Something in Hawaii. Something in New York City. Something in a cop car. Network television shows.

Dealing with the societal implications of social media a little bit through a thing about a serial murderer. Dealing with racism a little bit through a thing about a serial murderer, rebooting MacGyver, network television shows, a dance competition, a singing competition, karate versus bears, I don't know, network television shows. There's one with saber-toothed tigers you're seriously missing out.

Visit your uncle sometime, for God's sake. He used to take you to the lake and let you steer his powerboat. Seriously, do you have a problem with Bob Costas? I mean, Bob Costas? Seriously, everyone loves Bob Costas. Anyway, he has a sitcom this year. This episode of Jordan, Jesse Go is brought to you by Network Television Shows.

So our thanks to Network Television Shows for that, Jordan. Just go to cbs.com slash jj go and get yourself three three free ncis's yeah that's right three exclusive ncis's just for our listeners yeah i don't know maybe laura linney's got one now i couldn't tell you he does yeah ozark's wrapping up she's great who doesn't love laura linney where's taylor leone been? Network TV. Did I ever tell you that when Teresa, when my wife Teresa was in college at Sarah Lawrence College,

her job was phone banking, telethoning, calling alumni for donations, and they would get these index cards with leads on them. Oh yeah, sure. Glen Ross style. Yeah. And one of her index cards was david ducoveny and taylor leone's house hot lead she would just have to call them to donate to sarah

lawrence college and they did not they did not okay our guest on the program yep let's get her in our guest on the program is uh talented what they call internet comedian, making very funny videos and tweets. She's also more recently joined the television show business. The network television show. Network television. I'm sorry. I had that on my phone for a while. I forgot. I was like halfway through that when I realized that you recently got a job on a network television show. Very funny one, the Jimmy Kimmel program. Blair Erskine. Hi, Blair.

Hi. Hello. Thanks for having me, even though I am from a dirty network television show. Nothing wrong with network television shows. They're good. That's what I was watching the football game. It's on the CBS network, the Tiffany network. And I was thinking to myself, look at all these fucking shows they have. Cause they show you the different shows. I'm not against them.

Well, CBS isn't a great place for, I mean, I know it's number one, but they had a show on called God friended me a few years back. Did you see the apps for that? I just saw that. You should, I'll send you the six minute cut of, it's called a preview, but it takes you through the whole show. It's a, it's a a preview, but it takes you through the whole show. It's a work of art. Yeah. It's all you need to watch.

Now, God Friended Me, that either lasted one season or has been on for 10 years. It lasted until right before the pandemic. Wow. Okay. Yeah. For two seasons and people want more of it. I don't, but people do. Did God ever slide into those DMms i wonder not yet that was like uh god was to take in the form of a man um and befriended

someone it was jesse and in the previous shows do this um somebody gets a friend request on their phone and it's this it says god you know and the picture is like of the sky that's his profile picture right like clouds are just a clear blue sky it's a clouds clouds in a blue sky and um immediately the the guy who gets the friend request knows it's like the for real god he doesn't question it yeah he got a feeling. There's a late episode where they discover God's burner account that he uses to tweet at porn stars. They find God's fake account that he uses to tweet at people who don't like Kevin Durant. Oh, my God. God has an OnlyFans.

I want to see. Yeah. Maybe you've seen it. It's called the 700 Club. Yes. What is church but God's only fans? Oh, God. Beautiful.

You laugh, but you would subscribe to Benny Hinn's only fans, wouldn't you? Absolutely would. Laying on of hands, if you know what I'm talking about, Jordan. See some hot pics from the fellas in jars of clay. Yeah. Somebody's in a wheelchair, but then they get up, if you know what I'm talking about. Blair, so when we talked to you last time, you did not live in LA. You were not working for Network TV, but now you live here.

Yeah, I'm a big ass hole now, yeah. What do you hate most about LA? Is it the fucking traffic or the people who don't read? Big old asshole now, yeah. What do you hate most about hell, eh? Is it the fucking traffic or the people who don't read? Or is it the fucking pizza that sucks? I didn't know people didn't read here. It's my neighbor's. No one reads. Oh, God.

There are so many bookstores, though. Yeah, but nobody's in them. They're just fucking there for assholes to fucking look smart and eat wrong pizza. Have you guys checked out the smog in the air? Oh, man. I haven't heard of the smog in the air. Tell me more. It's so fucking smoggy.

No, there are days I don't go outside. There are days I don't go outside, and then I'll go outside on a smog day, and I'm like, oh, man. I can't see the bikini babes at the beach. Got to put the top up on my Corvette. I like LA. Are you having a nice time? No, yeah, no.

Yeah, yes I am. I'm having a nice time. It's a nice city. It's a nice place to live. It's pretty here. It's great here in LA. People are nice. Everybody's high, I assume. We're having fun nice day. It's a nice city. It's a nice place to live. It's pretty here. It's great here. People are nice. Everybody's high.

I assume we're having fun. Yeah. Sure. I love it. Yeah. Blaze trees. We're all high, right? Yeah.

All of us right now. Off the love that I found from God's only fans. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah. Thank you, Jordan. Here in Los Angeles, we blaze trees. That means smoke marijuana and have hillside fires. Yeah, both of those problems happen here.

How long have you been here, Blair? I've been here since September the 3rd. September the 3rd. So we're looking at about three, four months, somewhere in there. Something like that. I don't do math, but something, yeah. That sounds pretty good. What's your number one thing you've learned about here in Los Angeles? Jesus Christ. You guys should send me questions. Well, congratulations on that. You would think this would be-

You're going to Justin Bieber's church? Yeah. I'm a Hillsong United member. The number one thing I learned about LA is It's just It's the same as Atlanta it's just a bigger Atlanta I haven't done much Exploring here and Maybe that's the problem I work a lot

And then on the weekends I stay inside my house And I bitch about my neighbors upstairs and that's Really what I'm here to talk about Let's hear about these upstairsies Do you guys have upstairs neighbors I had them for years and years until very Recently but yeah I had them for years and years until very recently. But yeah, I had the upstairs-iest upstairs neighbors for so long.

Just the classic like 2 a.m., what are you doing, moving furniture and then falling down a lot. Yes. Why does the sound happen? Why does it keep happening? Classic drunk redecorators. Yeah, mine start at 5 a.m. I hear them tell their Alexa to turn on their music. And then their music plays all day long.

But only in our room, like above my desk where I work. And all day long. And then the other night, they started blasting the Harry Potter soundtrack. Wow. They turned it all the way up. Like the song? Like the score from the movie? The score from the movie.

Unless they were actually watching the movie, all I heard was just immediately. And I think they leave it on for their dog, but their dog hates it just as much as I do. Well, their dog is transgender. Exactly much as i do when they oh your dog is transgender exactly i'm reconsidering my fandoms well they leave for work i'm assuming and their dog barks all day and so that's what i am dealing with and me and the dog feel the same but i just can't bark you know i can

i'll bark you got that citronella collar Do you think the dog would prefer the soundtrack to Lord of the Rings? Absolutely. I'll try. I'm going to get a speaker and put it on my roof. And I don't know. I could just go up and ask them to turn it down. But I'm scared, you know? I mean, you don't want that to be the first interaction, you know? You're still kind of like new neighbors at this point.

It's like, can you finagle a positive interaction before the... I know, but I look like a Karen. A Karen. If you're still using... I don't know. I know that's not funny anymore, but I look like a bitch. And so I don't want to then act like one. You know what I mean?

Bring them some food. Bring them a baked sweet potato. Baked sweet potato. As opposed to... With butter. Just a raw sweet potato baked sweet potato as opposed to with butter just a raw baked regular potato like i would rust it bring him a raw potato yeah say oh hey it's hi it's me blair i'm your down i'm your downstairs neighbor i just i just moved in in september i had some extra taters taters you look like you like nightshades. I thought to myself, I saw you by the mailboxes.

I thought to myself. Yeah, you know, you dig them up out of the ground. I had an orchestral music problem the other day, which was I was trying to, I've been, these days, my morning job is to drive my kids Oscar and Frankie to school over there in La Cañada Flintridge. Only one of them goes to school. Home of the Fox Diner. Home of the Fox Diner. That doesn't sound like your real place.

It's not. We made it up. Oh, number one, it's real. Number two, Kai Risdahl lives there. Nice, nice. Who also sounds like a guy we made up? Yeah, yeah. Okay, Jesse. For Blair and people who don't know, La Cunada, it's like a suburb that is kind of like

Northeast LA. It's kind of by Pasadena. Yeah, it's where you would live in the LA equivalent of a McMansion, I would say, like an older McMansion, but also the jet propulsion laboratory is right there. So that's the other thing that's going on there is they're building spaceships. daughter Gracie, my oldest kid, she has always hated music. It makes her feel agitated. And as a music lover, this was a great disappointment for me because I wanted to share my love of music with my children. And my son Oscar was kind of the same way, but he's kind of opened up to the possibility of music. And my youngest seems to actually like music. So I'll play some music in the car and kind of talk with them about it a little bit, like what they might like or what they might not like. And the one sort of in like if they if they say they like something,

you didn't tell them to like name five songs. Yeah. Well, a lot of times they only like the kind of like the record that's been on the radio, like the third album. Right. And I'll try. I'll be like, you know, they had a record on Sub Pop. Yeah. I can't believe your poser kids wear those Led Zeppelin t-shirts. I know. So the overlap between, it turns out the thing that they know

about enough to like, and that I like is Randy Newman. I love, I love Randy Newman and I'm glad to listen to the Randy Newman songs from Toy Story or James and the Giant Peach or whatever. And then maybe it'll play one that I like and I'll have to explain why short people is a satire. And so I will sometimes just have my phone play Randy Newman. I'll just tell it to play Randy Newman. And the problem with doing that is it starts with you've got a friend in me, and then it plays like short people or something, something I really have to explain to my children. And then it just goes straight into four times in a row, the theme from The Natural. It's a really difficult thing to manage. It's hard to manage the tone of play Randy Newman

because sometimes it's a song from the perspective of a racist and sometimes it's a song from Toy Story and sometimes it's the- Just score from Three Amigos. It's the just score from three amigos. Yeah, exactly. It's really hard to manage. Have you traveled back and forth at all? I know that traveling, Blair, is tough these days. Have you made the trip? To back home?

Yeah. And back here? Absolutely, I have. Sorry, I was just thinking When you were talking About Randy Newman How wonderful it would be If he did The Harry Potter

Score The soundtrack Who knows It's not too late It would be great If he did title And closing music In addition

Or sang a little song He's a little wizard And he goes to school His parents were mean He's a wizard and he goes to school. His parents were mean, but he goes to school. He was right there. They could have had that. Sex, not gender, is the name of the game.

You gotta want to write his for notes that were given to me. He doesn't know what that means the man's 74 years old oh is he 74 i thought he was older he might be younger he might be younger he might be 70 we could look it up but we won't one time i interviewed him he was super fucking cool he was a super cool guy he seems cool he knows that gender is what's important. Anyway, he's on the right side of all things history. Um, I, yes, I go to Georgia. I've been there. I was, I'm from there and I've been back. I just got back from Georgia. Um, and it was, yeah, traveling is scary right now and I shouldn't be doing it, but I did do it. I went home to see my cow. I have a cow there. Yeah, sure. Let's get down to it. I've got a cow in Georgia.

Breast tax here. I know. That's why I'm here. As a bovine expert. Resident bovine expert. I went home for Christmas and my uncle had a calf whose mom died during. Wait, you're. My uncle had a cow.

A certain Bart Simpson would have something to say to him. Yeah, I'm from a farm. So where was I going with this? He had a cow. Your uncle had a calf. Your uncle had a calf by way of a cow that he owned. By way of a cow that he owned. And a male cow that he owned.

Yes. Okay, my uncle. Your uncle's not a cow day walker. No, he's not a cow. My uncle isn't the father. So, but the mom died during childbirth or, you know, giving. Sorry to hear that. Thanks for mentioning that on the show.

And that's the end of the story. Okay. I mean, we didn't have to get into J.K.'s transphobia but you went there it's fair fair enough um and so the cow the calf couldn't walk or she could walk but then she got worms and uh he gave her the old ivermectin you know and um she was just down for a while and she couldn't, she was sick and couldn't walk. And they say, huh? Oh, I was just going to ask you if they did any other stuff that Joe Rogan recommends. What else does he recommend? I think testosterone supplements is one thing. No, see, I'll call them out. God bless. MMA. MMA, alpha alpha brain they gave her some pump her full of alpha brain yeah um she couldn't walk you know what i heard i heard that your calf is a total gamma that's what i heard what i heard

that's who said that yeah jb looked that up isn't that what he says i don't listen to that podcast i couldn't tell you what is a gamma in those? I think it's lower than a beta. It's worse than a beta. It's worse than beta? I have never heard the show, but I will say this. There's a guy who works at the metal shop across the street from my house who's so nice, and his truck is covered in upsetting bumper stickers, one of which is a Joe Rogan bumper sticker.

Many of them are more upsetting than that. What are his other ones? Look, I don't want to get – this guy is so nice to me. Every time he says, hey, brother, he's so nice. Really nice guy. Is it Hulk Hogan? Well, he's had a hard time since then. Hulk Hogan probably also has a truck.

It sounds like it might be Hulk Hogan. Are the bumper stickers about like which also has a truck. Yeah. Covered in. Sounds like it may be Hulk Hogan. Covered in. So. Are the bumper stickers about like which lives matter? Yes. Okay. Okay. And it taint to the black ones. Sure.

And he's not a white person either. That's what's so baffling about it. But anyway. We all contain multitudes. Why isn't he on the show? I know. I'm on the show. We couldn't book this guy on all the time on the show we couldn't book he canceled the last

minute um but he the other day they were he he was over there uh usually they're they're either listening to super super loud country music uh because one of the guys is like a real like cowboy hat giant belt buckle guy um uh that guy's uh very very nice. Also very, very nice. That's the guy who told me that first time that I met him that his mom thinks he spends all his money on beers and his dad's an alcoholic and he's an alcoholic, but he doesn't spend all his money on beers. He spends it on cocaine. And he said that to me because he said, I feel like we're close now. And I was like, all right, we've been talking eight minutes. So sure.

Why not? You seem nice. He's your son now. How old is this man? Yeah. But he is genuinely, he's so nice to me every time I talk to him. But the other day they were bumping Joe Rogan, like cranked. It was cranked to the point where the speakers were distorting on the truck.

They were listening to Joe Rogan so loud. It was really something. It was really something. So that's all I got on Joe Rogan. I did hear it that one time through the windows of my office because it's 75 feet from the metal shop. Did he change your mind on anything? Did he make some complaints? You know what?

the metal shop. Did he change your mind on anything? Did he make some complaints? You know what? Here's the thing is I kind of like to kind of check out what's going on and make my own decisions about stuff. Do your own research. Yeah. And a lot of these things, a lot of these things, a lot of these things, guys, they're about control. Right. Okay. Ultimately, they're about control right okay ultimately they're about control right okay right and i'm not talking just about pantyhose the tops of your arms down jesse yeah i suppose he's telling us yeah you're pitting out over there okay anyway um so you went to meet this you went to see this this worm this worm calf

well so they were gonna put her down uh because if a cow doesn't walk like if a cow doesn't walk for five days i don't know it's like they're gonna walk again you know but it was christmas time and i was like i cannot i cannot handle know, just emotionally, I'm not in the place to handle it. So did you have to fly in like James, like James Harriet comes in across the Yorkshire Dales? Well, I didn't know this when I got, this was over Christmas. And so I got there and I, I saw it when I got there. I didn't know I was going to meet this cow. Um, and, but when my uncle told me that I was like, I will do everything in my power. And all it took was, I mean, I was just, I got into Cal space and I was like, listen here, bitch,

they're going to put you down if you don't get up and walk, um, that, and we had to, you know, teach her how to walk. But after we worked with her for a week or two, she was, she, you know, was walking around and I'm making it sound easier than it was. Um, but she she's what I'm saying is she can walk now and now she hates me. She does not remember me. I went back to see her this weekend. She ran away. So, but, you know, I remember. I have to say this.

I know how to walk. Like if anyone out there is listening, I know how to walk. Absolutely. Don't get me wrong. But I don't know if I could teach it I don't know that I know that I have the pedagogical framework yeah well especially to something with four

legs it was right yeah I wouldn't say because I would start with well I guess left foot right foot left foot right foot but also they got the back one they got the back one yes yes they got yes thank you they got the back ones. They got the back ones. Yes. Thank you. They got the back ones.

People aren't talking about it. I know. Anybody who's been down to the swimming hole knows that you have three legs. But that's four. I got a fitness tracker on one of them. All right. Okay. Sorry about that, Blair. We have fun i'm here i'm here for community service

so blair what do you do to what do you do to teach a cow to walk i'm giving myself too much credit what we had to do was put her in a cow sling this is wow i can't it's a cow sling i say immediately i assumed that it went over your shoulder like you watched me walk um just carried her around so we had to put her in this thing so it goes under her belly and then we had a like a lever we were just like you know basically she had she had to learn to put weight on all four am i making sense you're making a gesture just for the at-home listener you're making a water pumping gesture yeah okay so it's more like pumping water out of the ground i'm pulling okay i'm pulling. Okay. You're milking the cow. Yes. You're yanking. I'll send videos. I'll send some pictures for the show notes. I don't know what I'm doing.

Yeah. We don't know what show notes are. We've been doing this 20 years. I don't know if we have those. I hear people say that. We'll blast them out. Sign up for the Patreon. Yeah.

What do you guys do? If you click on the website and look in the show notes, it's just one of Chuck Lorre's vanity cards. Network television shows. Network television shows. Network television shows. NetworkCBS.com

slash JJ Go. I like network television shows. Abbott Elementary is a great show. That's right here. There's good network TV shows. There's some good ones. I basically only watch Family Feud and Judge Steve Harvey. Yeah.

Can I? I'll go back to the cow, but Tom Bergeron, where is he? Oh, good. Where's Bergeron? I was going to say he hosts America's Funniest Home Videos, but that's Alfonso Ribeiro now. I know. Wow. Where's Bergeron?

I don't know. Let me ask you this. Ant, where's that guy? Sure. Sure. Just throwing out some names of people from television what about heather locklear she's got a show every goddamn year she had lax a few years ago remember lax it was a network television show it was about it was about how hard it is to pick someone up or drop someone off because of the trap. High stakes conflict. Right.

You know, the best episode I thought was about how there's that space age restaurant, but you can't eat there. Yeah. Is there? Why can't you? A space age restaurant? Yeah. There's a famous, the famous thing of LAX is this extraordinary space age building. Is that what that is?

Yes. And it used to be a rotating restaurant. We went there when I was a kid, so I have some vague memories of going to the rotating restaurant. What was it called? I don't know. What was it called? Let's live there.

Spin around. Let's live there. God, I'd love to live in a space restaurant at the airport. Just come down, go get some magazines, go back. That'd be a fun like children's book if there was like a group of like orphan kids who were like living in the space restaurant.

Like the boxcar children, but in the space age. Yeah, and then sneak down and- Get an Uber. Yeah, I was gonna say, look for food outside the Chili's too. Yeah. Or Cinnabon's out of the dumpster. You know, airport shit.

These kids don't even know that there's anything other than two and express restaurants. Right. There's a Chili's 1? I've been to a rotating restaurant when I was a child as well. It was on the top of a hotel in Atlanta. But a kid died there a few years ago. He got crushed. Oh, my God. He got crushed. Oh my God.

By the restaurant? Yeah, in the restaurant. He got caught in the, I don't know. Oh, in the turntable. Yeah. But it goes so slowly. I don't know how it happened. I didn't push him, so let's not even bring that up.

Can I ask you a question? We did it. No one did, Blair. It's kind of weird that you... you a question we did it no one did blair it's uh we're it's kind of weird that you now we think you did it now we think you did it the fact i did not look i'm not vincent zanofrio but i have to say my iced tea sense is tingling here uh blair is it possible when this kid got stuck in the turntable, was there a Mr. Bean around? Was there a Mr. Bean? Is Mr. Bean murdering children? I think that's probably happened in a few Mr. Beans.

Like the death happens off camera. Oh, yeah. No, Mr. Bean is dark. Yeah. But no, no, no. I wasn't there. Like I said, stop bringing it up i stopped i don't know how we got on this topic okay what did you uh what did you have there and what i mean like in terms

of food or weapons chicken fingers chicken fingers for both it was me in the rotating restaurant with a chicken finger this was like a ricky j situation right you can kill a man with a chicken finger. This was like a Ricky Jay situation. Right. You can kill a man with a chicken finger. I love, I get chicken fingers everywhere. Do you guys fuck with chicken fingers? Chicken fingers are consistent. It doesn't matter where you are. I agree.

A chicken finger is going to be fine. You don't have to worry about it. Even a Caesar salad could be too shitty. That's my second thing that I get. Yeah, I'll go chicken fingers, Caesar salad. To both of you, I want separate answers. In your mind, what is the difference between a chicken finger and a chicken tender? Wow.

There's not a difference. They're the same. It's just what I say. Yeah. Sometimes I say tender. It just depends on the mood I'm in. And I'm in a finger mood. Sometimes you're a finger and sometimes you're say tender. It just depends on the mood I'm in. I'm in a finger mood. Sometimes you're a finger and sometimes you're a tender.

Listen, that's Hollywood. Sometimes you're a grinder. Yeah, a chicken grinder. That's if you're looking for some no-strings-attached apps. Do you think one is more heavily seasoned? What I personally think yeah is that the tender is you're getting a more premium meat you're getting something that that that resembles you know chicken more than you know a finger to me is like a you know kind of a pressed chicken product with some bread w Like a Wendy's chili topping.

Yeah, exactly. Did you say topping, Blair? I'm not kicking these out of bed. I like that Blair apparently is eating chicken fingers on her Wendy's chili. Remember when they found a finger in the chili? No.

But I think it turned out to be a lie. I don't think it was or it was placed there intentionally yeah there was a finger in wendy's chili somebody had gotten a burger king and brought it over to the wendy's well zaxby's they have kitty fingers yeah i don't yeah i don't think there's zaxby's out here though are there i don't know what that is. Yeah, no, I don't know. Okay, then no, never mind. Is that a regional finger? We would know it as best foods. So, Jordan, is a chicken finger, let's say you're in an airport.

Okay, let me, hold on, hold on. Let me just like go there. Okay. Okay, I'm in an airport, I'm in an airport, I'm'm in an airport i gotta get my boarding pass am i too early oh god okay i'm here i'm here i'm in an airport i'm in an airport okay now you don't know these terminal you don't know these restaurants okay there's a there's airport restaurants but they're not one there's not chili's too right there's not anything's too right there's not

anything that you're there's not a margaritaville you don't know what these places are it's like ding-dongers yeah so you wander in you take a seat at ding-dongers what's your order boy so when i So when I am eating at an airport, I don't try and make it fun in any way because I know it's futile. Right. Like maybe like if you're like, you know, this has been the worst travel day ever. You get the Cinnabon. Right. you get the Cinnabon. Right.

But to me, like I will, I will have something unsatisfying, but not a gut bomb just so I can get through the ride and get something good on the other end. Like if I'm going to a destination somewhere I want to eat, if I'm like coming back so I can like, you know, I'll like go through In-N-Out Burger or something on the way back.

Like that. There's an In-N-Out Burger by the LAX. Yeah. Sort of life's great pleasures. It is. So yeah, when I am eating at an airport, I do like, I do like fruit cup or Wolfgang Puck packed salad that's going to be bad. Like Chinese chicken salad, pre-packed Wolfgang Puck.

As far as a like, I'm just going to get not hungry. I'm going to like stick out this flight. So yeah, like I don't like, I don't like to drink at an airport. I don't, yeah, I don't like go nuts at Chili's too and get a, you know, fajita plate or anything like that. Where is the Chili's too at LAX? Because I go to LAX and I only see Jersey Mike's. Maybe it's gone.

I only see. Maybe it's gone. Yeah. I don't know. All they have is Jersey Mike's now and people go ham for Jersey Mike's. Maybe it's gone. I only see. Maybe it's gone, yeah. I don't know. All they have is Jersey Mike's now and people go ham for Jersey Mike's. The line wraps around. I mean, this guy's from New Jersey.

Yeah. A sandwich. That's me. I'm just like getting, I'm just trying to get unhungry with as few calories as possible and drink a giant water. water or just drink a giant smart water i have to have protein uh just i have to have like a significant meal not even

substantially because of my migraines like getting on airplanes a big migraine trigger i can't have a hunger related migraine trigger as well and i also don't really like sandwiches. Now, I don't want to... I understand this is provocative. I don't hate sandwiches. There are plenty of sandwiches that I do like. A nice sandwich, I'm totally glad to eat. But like a turkey sandwich from the airport or something is gross to me and i know that on this show there has been assertions that the that a turkey sandwich that you get at the rec center is something that you want to eat i remember that vaguely from a couple years ago but uh to me that is like pretty gross and i don't really i'm not into tuna salad or chicken salad particularly. So those sandwiches are out.

So I will eat McNuggets or equivalent, 100% every time. I will just eat some McNuggets, which are pretty tasty, or the Burger King, or whatever fast food restaurant there is equivalent of that. It's not something I eat in my ordinary life at all. It's a complete uh thing that i only eat at airports and the other thing that i will only eat at an airport is i will go to starbucks and i will drink one of their like milkshake drinks uh like i can't have the coffee so i will order a vanilla vanilla frappe yeah whatever the fuck i'm in vanilla milkshake is called i will get that and i will drink the whole fucking thing and it is what's

nice about it is there's enough ice in there that it doesn't make me feel sick but i still get 1400 calories uh blair how about you when you're going home to see the cows you're you're you're going home to see the cows if you want to get in the airport space what do you what do you have well so this most recent time i bought um i'll buy like a candy some almond clusters oh um like in the gift box and i wheat them myself and i got a bag of fritos the gift you give yourself yes yeah yeah i eat all of them and yeah the fritos and the and the um the sea's candy the sweet and salty it's like my own trail mix honestly that sounds great a frito sounds like rules that's a great idea frito sounds in particular sounds like a great airplane snack to me because it packs it packs a flavor punch it does it's i mean the salt it's just got

the perfect amount of um how do you guys do you eat eat, I bet you don't, Jesse, because you have your migraines, but the peanut M&Ms, my favorite M&Ms. I have had, I have had them. I'm a, if I'm going to eat some M&Ms out of a bag of M&Ms that my wife has on the top shelf in our pantry, slightly hidden, it would be a peanut butter m&m that's that's oh i never i'll eat like four of them and wish i could eat a thousand yeah i mean i love m&ms but they've changed the peanut m&m recipe recently so if there's someone listening to this podcast that works m&m i need you to know that i know what the fuck you did. Now, is what you're reacting to the fact that it's a girl boss now? Yeah. No, no, no, no. Now I sound like Tucker Carlson.

No. I'm glad that you're standing up to cancel culture. What's your position? Was the M&M too slutty or not slutty enough? Where are we? She should be able to be slutty. Yeah. She wasn't slutty. She are we where are we she should be able to be slutty yeah she wasn't she could be a virgin she doesn't have a vagina she like she wore high heels i haven't seen her show me i would like to see it i saw a movie about her and it had a vagina you saw a movie

about her and out of it yeah bla, have you heard of Rule 34? That she won't last five minutes watching. No, I feel bad for her. I don't think she asked for this. Do you think they'll give the boots back? I feel like they're going to have to. Is that the one that's John Lovett's? The green M&M?

I think for a tick, this is something weird that I know that I don't know why I know. Oh, yeah, because I'm a cartoon dork so i think at at first it was the red eminem was john lovitz but now i think it's billy west voiceover king billy west oh well he's nice i met him one time on a van at sketch fest yeah that's the only entertainment industry people i've met is people who were on my van at sketch fest who plays who yellow? I think John Goodman was yellow for a hot second. I don't know if he still is. I think Billy West is the guy you call when you need to replace everyone.

Like I'll do them all. I'm just thinking back. Sorry, guys. I'm just thinking back to that van ride at Sketch Fest. Teen Witch was on there too. Teen Witch from the movie Teen Witch. She was really nice. Oh, that's Blake Lively's mom oh i didn't know that was that true yes oh i don't know her name but i know i know it's blake lively's mom look it up jamie yeah i don't know yeah robin lively

yes okay wow there you go bye everybody that's Hey, on that note, should we all give people a chance to take that information in? We'll give them a little break. We'll let them deal with the fact that Teen Witch is Blake Lively's mom. And then we'll come back fresh. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Well, I've got great news, Jordan. There are thousands of Maximum Fund members. Many of them support this show. Many of the people listening to us right now support this show and to them jordan we doff our caps doff oh mine fell in the garbage i doffed it too hard jordan just just admit it the people at home can't see you. Your hat was made of garbage. Yeah, but, you know, so I guess it's probably good that it's back in the garbage, ashes to ashes.

It was a banana peel splayed over your head like an octopus. Yeah. Listen, I'm just trying to catch possums, okay? We're also this week supported by better help uh this podcast is sponsored by better help online therapy um look we're we're therapy advocates here on jordan jesse go however you get your therapy you get it in person uh get it with a look get it with a someone with an msw get it with somebody with a side d get it with someone with an mft as long as they also have a therapy related degree you know what i mean yeah listen as long as long as they are trained uh therapy is a great thing and uh you know the way better help does it is that it's all, all online, all remote. And, uh, you know, I know you and I both do online remote therapy

and, uh, can attest that it's great. Yeah. Shouts to Dr. Munson. Dr. Munson, uh, zooms in from her, uh, from her office. So I feel like I'm there. Yeah. It's a virtual, I do it with the Oculus on. Do you think you could probably do BetterHelp with the Oculus? Oh, sure. Yeah. Do it in the metaverse? Yeah, absolutely. Right. So my therapist is a wolf and I'm Sailor Moon. BetterHelp is a convenient way to get therapy. It can be a more affordable way to get therapy. If that's a concern, you can do it on text. You can do it on video chat. You can do it on audio. There's lots of ways to do it. More than 2 million people have used BetterHelp online therapy. This podcast is

sponsored by BetterHelp, and Jordan Jesse Go listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash jjgo. That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P.com slash jjgo. We're also this week supported by Stitch Fix. I just ordered some Stitch Fix cloche for my son, Oscar, uh, I ordered a stitch fix box once before for my son, Oscar, and it came out so great. I ordered another one. Um, I put in, uh, both Oscar's size and some of our preferences, like he really likes soft clothes. Uh, and I prefer things that don't have, uh, conspicuous logos on them. And, uh, really great job of picking a variety of stuff that Oscar wanted. I ended up keeping most of it. These days, though, not only can you get your Stitch Fix box that's curated by your personal stylist based on your preferences, you can also freestyle it, which is where you get

a kind of a store curated according to your personal preferences and you pick out exactly what you want. I actually freestyled it recently on Stitch Fix. I'm a huge fan of this service and I get the Stitch Fix box every so often. It's a curated batch of clothes. You try them on, you ship back what you don't like. It's a great way to get some new stuff without having to go to a department store or a mall or something. But yeah, but if you're between boxes, you can go on there, sign in, and you just get this online store that is stuff that's your style, stuff that will fit you. I thought I needed a little style refresh for some beginning of the year Zoom meetings I was going to be on. I'm like, I can't be showing up to these things in the same old shirt.

No. People are going to be like, what? This guy only has one shirt, they're going to say. But I went on Stitch Fix. They're going to say, this is the beginning of the year. This is January. It's January. Get a new shirt, asshole.

Come on. So I went on Stitch Fix. I did the freestyle option, and I got a beautiful shirt covered in cranes. Oh, that's the shirt that I got. We were on a live Jordan Jesse Go event yesterday or the day before, as we record this, for some members of Maximum Fun. I saw your shirt complimented you on that crane shirt. You said, well, guess what? I got it from Stitch Fix.

That is a true story that really happened that I just remembered. Yeah, I've been really pleased with Stitch Fix. I've been using them for a long time. I do not know if the crane shirt is still in stock. If for some reason you can't get the crane shirt, there's going to be a lot of great stuff on there that you will like.

Yeah, but write them an angry email. Yes. Right. Angry tweets at Stitch Fix if they don't have the crane shirt. Get started today by filling out your style quiz at stitchfix.com slash jjgo. That's stitchfix.com slash jjgo to try Stitch Fix Freestyle. Stitch Fix dot com slash JJ Go. Let's get back into the show. Love you, love you Love you, love you Love you, love you

It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy, detective. I'm Blair Erskine, cow whisperer. Okay, look behind the curtain right now, and I don't look. You guys know that I hate to look behind the curtain. Who knows what's back there?

It's probably just a little old man, not the great and wonderful Oz. But look behind the curtain. When we're able, we live stream the recordings of Jordan Jesse Go on our Facebook page, Sunday evening, specific time. And we're doing that tonight. Blair Erskine was kind enough to stream with us here, even though she just got off an airplane so god bless her i love attention yeah it's the best because then you feel like it would matter if you died yeah exactly that's why i do that's legitimately that's why i do what i do yeah yeah thank you uh when we do this uh uh on the stream as i say in the credits is valerie moffett our our able colleague here at

maximum fun and val typically counts us in um i have to say that this time val's microphone was off until she said go so it just fucking sucked for me man because i had to just get right into it i didn't have a chance to kind of get built up and you know me. I'm nothing without my fucking testosterone supplements. A fucking delta over here. God damn it. I'm not talking about the airline. Gammas? Gammas. Gammas. Yeah, Gammas. But that's what made the Hulk. Gammas. That's a good point, Jordan. Does Joe Rogan not know the Hulk's origin? Well well gammas and

testosterone supplements right Hulk do own research read a thing I read a thing where Joe Rogan says he likes to talk to yoked doctors wow doctors who are ripped he said

to talking to doctors who are ripped he doesn't like doctors that aren't ripped fucking soft body Doctors who are ripped. He's into talking to doctors who are ripped. He doesn't like doctors that aren't ripped. Fucking soft body doctors. Soft body doctors. That's a genre. Soft body doctors. It's a type of romance novel that we didn't know about until now.

Soft body doctors coming soon to Network TV. Soft Body Doctors. Sure. Watch it and then the news. Yeah, watch it. Watch it on whatever

UPN is called now. When something momentous happens to you, our Jordan Jesse Go listener, we encourage you to call us and tell us about it or send us a

voice voice memo and tell us about it the phone number 206-984-4-FUN uh that's 206-984-4-FUN you can just put in your goddamn phone your phone remembers phone number so just get your phone out put 206-984-4-FUN in there save it as jordan jesse go go, and then you're ready. You're ready when the shit goes down. You're ready for it. Or you can just record a voice memo and send it to jjgo at maximumfun.org, which is probably easier to remember. Put it under, and when you're wondering what to label it, just label it

Thick Dick Studs. So when your wife is going through your phone, she wonders who you're calling. Antithesis of soft body doctors. Right. Thick dick studs. Who's this thick dick studs you keep calling?

Every time you see somebody walking a cat. Okay, Brian, play one of these calls. Hey, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. Hi, Gus. Hi, Brian, play one of these calls. Hey, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. Hi, guest. Hi, Brian. I'm calling with a momentous occasion. Earlier today, I was taking my daughter to daycare.

We're walking down the street, and we see a duck on the sidewalk. It's getting petted by another girl. And I just kind of keep ushering her by because I don't have time for this. I turn to take a photo. Can you pause it for a second, Brian? She doesn't have time to get involved in some duck's bullshit.

Wait, so what was, I kind of missed it. What's happening here? She's taking her daughter to daycare and there's a duck on the sidewalk getting petted I kind of missed it. What's happening here? She's taking her daughter to daycare. Right. And there's a duck on the sidewalk getting petted, and she doesn't have time for this shit. I don't have time for it. Who knows if this is a practical duck or some sort of Daffy duck? Oh, no.

Daffy is this duck. No way to know. No way to know. Huh. I mean, Donald Duck's not not Daffy. You know, that's a great point. And Daffy Duck's not not Donald. That's true.

That's true. We don't know his given name. I turn to take a photo because I see that the owner of the duck is putting booties on the duck, like webbed booties. And in the photo, I see the owner hand a card to the father standing there. And so I say, does that duck have a card? He said, yeah, it's an influencer. So later I go home and look up this duck on the internet and it turns out that its name is Wrinkles. It's very well known for those webbed shoes and it ran in the New York Marathon in 2021. So I saw a duck named Wrinkles today. Okay. I found it, yeah.

Wait, so Blair, you're looking at Wrinkles right now. What can you tell us? I can tell you people also ask, who is Wrinkle the Duck? Is Wrinkle the Duck real? Did a duck actually run the NYC marathon? Did a duck run the marathon? Yeah, Wrinkle's Instagram handle.

Now I got to look up Wrinkle. I saw the shoes. Holy shit. This is incredible. Oh, my God. They just look like his regular feet but their shoes oh look at him oh he's running in runner's world holy shit wait i'll hold it up for the people at home why doesn't he fly he knows how does he he might not maybe they need to get a duck sling and teach

him or maybe blair should just get into his face and say, listen, bitch. They're going to turn you into duck helper. So is Wrinkle, is this duck not, does it have its own? Okay, no, it does. Wrinkle, she, her, Wrinkle the duck, New York City Marathon duck. This is biologically, I'm a boy, but my preferred pronoun is she, her. I support that, but I don't know how they found that out. AB testing, like where they put two treats and one they say, come here, him. And the other one, they say,

come here, her. And they see which treat the duck prefers. But this is my question. duck prefers but this is my question yeah wrinkle the duck obviously has this i don't know how many people follow you on on instagram blair i don't even know if you're on just 30 000 only 30 000 you're and you look you're everyone knows blair's huge on twitter because she does a lot of timely work she has a lot of things that are timely in the news cycle a lot of political satire um and uh i mean she's basically basically she's randy rainbow but i'm not showing feet on main like wrinkle the duck feet on main not doing that flashing feet on main you would be fucking huge oh my god you would be huge look at him in his shoes and slump god this duck is great no wonder it has his handle this You would be fucking huge. Oh my God, you would be huge. Look at him in his shoes and slump.

God, this duck is great. No wonder it has- His handle. This duck- Tell them. The duck, its handle is seductive. And it has 332,000 followers on Instagram, which is pretty strong. Really good. This is what I'm wondering, though, Jordan.

I don't know how many people follow you on Instagram. Not a lot. I'm the first to admit. You're new to Instagram. I really suck on there. You fucking suck on Instagram. I'm bringing Jack to Instagram. I am bringing Jack on Maine.

Bringing fucking nothing on main main i'm not yeah i'm listen if you want to follow me that'd be great i'm gonna work on doing something on there i just don't know what i just don't know what i don't know what what what what i don't know what do i do i like what you do i got a picture of a goat eating my hat so maybe you should think about that well that was very successful i don't have a hat i got to get a fucking hat now yeah you know who would have got you you know where you know where you would have got your hat if if you had had the opportunity father's day for if you have you got to get that that's the kind of thing a boy gives his dad for Father's Day. Gives him a hat. You got to get a son.

I'm working on it. Hey. I'm working on it. So on Instagram, you know, I have the benefit. I have some, I was late on Instagram myself, just like you were, Jordan. But I have some benefit from having had a fashion blog. So my account is the same as my fashion blog account. So it's a little mixed up. But I have 19 benefit from having had a fashion blog. So my account is the same as my fashion blogs account. So it's a little mixed up, but I have 19,000 followers. So here's what I'm wondering.

And I think we're going to have to throw this out to the audience. Someone in the audience is going to be able to figure this out. It's not me. It's not Valerie. God knows it's not Brian. So how many ducks have more followers than me on Instagram? 19,000 followers on Instagram. How many ducks got me beat on Insta? How many ducks are getting partnership offers? And are you going to find the ones that have fewer followers and taunt them? Hell yeah.

I'll say to them. Kill yourself, Flappy. Which means you. Fucking Gamma. Fucking Gamma. Duck. Blair, you're our guest. You go first.

How many ducks would you say have more Instagram followers? What do I get if I'm right? One duck. Boy, well. well so like a jellybean situation i guess the ones and the yeah there's two jelly beans i would say at least i'm gonna say seven ducks have more instagram followers than you that feels low to me but it seven is if there's more listen i can't handle it if there's more if there's more than that if there if there's more than this one duck on instagram actually jordan how many ducks would you say have more let me ask you so just some points of clarification is this like does it have to be like i'm i'm one duck this is my name or can there be like a duck rescue or someone who's like i'm the duck goddess or something like that it's just like a duck related instagram oh i think it could be this is what i'm gonna say

it's either a duck or a specific group of ducks right they count as one it's not just fans of ducks so like it could be like a like someone has backyard ducks and there's like five of them and they get involved in little things and that's what the pictures are about um but it can't just be uh you know ducks unlimited the duck hunting can it be one of those like houses those accounts for like a house that has all sorts of disparate animals, like a monkey and a pig, and then you're looking at... You mean like in Babe, Pig in the City? There's a category of Instagram account. You're describing Babe, Pig in the City.

There's a category of Instagram account or YouTube account where it's an animal. Jordan, does this category have a skyline that's just like major things from all the cities of the world, like the Sydney Opera House and the Golden Gate Bridge and all that kind of stuff? Was this Instagram directed by George Miller, the director of the Mad Max movies? Say three more babe things and then we can... No, I'm done. There's a great duck in Babe, Pig in the City, by the way.

I bet that guy's got more Instagram followers than me. That's my guess. I'm going twice. Well, we're going to have to see. One of our listeners, probably Law34 or something, is going to make a...

is either going to count by hand or make a computer that counts ducks and is going to tell us how many ducks there are that follow us. Oh, that's Kevin Ferguson, my colleague Kevin Ferguson. He likes birds. Well, I think we should start an Instagram where we go and we kidnap the ducks and we call it abducted. And we take them and kill them. That's what i could do on instagram if it were my idea i

wish i would fucking thought you can have that no on there do it take it please i don't have time i'm employed okay congratulations brian play another call hi jordan hi jesse hi guest i'm Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. Hi, guest. I'm calling about a momentous occasion. So my boyfriend and I have been trying for months to figure out how to do a dream sex act of mine. Can you pause this for a second? This is why we made this show. Yes. Yes. This is we've been making this show for 27 years the reason we made this

show is for someone to call in and describe the scheme they came up with to do a sex act they thought of like this is a sex act that she thought of it's not a one that others have done there's no someone has to blaze the trail. I guess maybe that was not exactly how I interpreted it. I think it could be just like, oh, I've always dreamed of doing, you know. Do you want to guess? Do you want to all guess what it is before she says it? Great idea, Blair.

Or it could be when a dream sex act could be, Jordan, a a sex act where men are judged by the content of the character not the color of their skin beautiful beautiful i have a dream sex act everyone attributes that quote to marilyn monroe um blair did you did something come to mind do you do you have a guess were you proposing it because you're like I think I know what this is no I don't think I know what it is

I thought I was confident for a moment but now I'm just not so sure I think it involves a costume my thought I'm gonna go real specific and say ball pit I'm gonna say McDonald's ball pit always wanted to do it and say ball pit. I'm going to say- McDonald's ball pit? Always wanted to do it in a ball pit, and they're constructing a home ball pit to fucking.

Ow. Yeah. I love the idea. I love the idea of a costume. in my mind the only person I've really had non you know teenage sex acts with is my wife

the only person I've had adult sex acts with is my wife and so my idea of what women want other than my wife is shaped exclusively by like basically like the Drew Carey show or whatever. Okay.

So in my mind, what women want is to sleep with the UPS guy. Okay. Like they're talking about how hot the UPS guy is. He's bringing the packages. He's got the shorts. He's got the uniform on. So many times I've offered to get a UPS guy outfit for my wife. She's not.

She says. You can say, guess what the P stands for? And that can lead to some sexual fun. Yeah. It's a synonym for urine. UP. UP during sex yes ups now do fedex

okay so that's when you have sex with a uh a federally funded exoskeleton yeah what can't brown do for you jordan um so uh i think it's a i think it's a ups uniform or you know could be dhl yeah haha dhl is dtf i don't know yeah sure yeah yeah i like that it works that's fun like absolutely hilarious but let's not even listen to the rest of the voicemail. Let's just talk about this. Which involves utilizing three toys at the same time. We have not been able to figure out something to successfully attempt this so far. But yesterday I had a stroke of genius on how to accomplish this by utilizing some rope as well.

And I am happy to report that it worked out great. It was very, very fun. And I am really excited to continue exploring this many more times. Thanks. She sounds winded. Just recently. the act. See, this is why we tell callers, when you call with a momentous occasion, attach a diagram. We don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, rope. We're going to need a diagram, FFS. So that's like a fourth toy So what are the toys? So my thinking is Dildo, Vibrator, Optimus Prime Right The Holy Trinity

Yeah Yep Robots in the sky We'll be back in just a second On Jordan, Jesse, go robots in this guy we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go hey there i'm ellen weatherford and i'm christian weatherford and we've got big feelings about animals that we just got to share on On Just the Zoo of Us, your new favorite animal review podcast, we're here to critically evaluate how each animal excels and how it doesn't, rating them out of 10 on their effectiveness, ingenuity, and aesthetics.

Guest experts give you their takes informed by actual real-life experiences studying and working with very cool animals like sharks, cheetahs, and sea turtles. It's a field trip to the zoo for your ears. So if you or your kids have ever wondered if a pigeon can count, why sloths move so slow, or how a spider sees the world, find out with us every Wednesday on Just the Zoo of Us in its natural habitat on MaximumFun.org. Listen and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

Somewhere between science and superstition, there is a podcast. Look, your daughter doesn't say she's a demon. She says she's the devil himself. That thing is not my daughter. And I want you to tell me there's a show where the hosts don't just report on French science and spirituality, but take part themselves. Well, there is. And it's Oh No Ross and Carrie on Maximum Fun. This year, we actually became certified exorcists.

So yes, Carrie and I can help your daughter. Or we can just talk about it on the show. Oh No Ross and Carrie on MaximumFun.org La la la la la la la la It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

And Blair is getting a cow whisperer still. I forgot that we were doing this again. I'm glad that you mentioned that, Blair. I do want to mention I got another text. And we're now sponsored by all network television shows except The Ghost Whisperer. Oh, oh no. They pulled out on us. With Jennifer Love Hewitt. Probably. us. With Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Probably. Yeah, probably Jennifer Love Hewitt. I don't know. Seems like she would be in a show like that. Tara Reade, maybe. Maybe with Carmen Electra. Yeah. Carmen Electra.

Cindy Crawford. I don't know. Kathy Ireland. Solving crimes. Sure. Honestly, I couldn't. Kristen Kathy Ireland solving crimes. Honestly, I couldn't. Kristen Chenoweth is there probably. Oh, yeah.

She needs. Maybe Idina Menzel is in there. Adele Dizzy. That's still the funniest thing I think that has ever happened. It really is pretty funny. It will always be funny. That and the double rainbow guy. The rainbow guy. John Travolta like actual coolness versus

the coolness of his characters it's just staggering how huge that gap is what a goofy dork he is versus and he's not like playing again it's not like john ham where he's like playing against the coolness of his characters by like undercutting it by being funny and fun and just like oh i'm just a regular joe it's just he's a weird he's weird spaceman who just talks like that normally but when he's saying regular words it doesn't seem good he's a black belt in scientology he does not know what's going on in any given moment. I think the combination of black belt in Scientology and musical theater fan, that creates the world's goofiest dork. And then he's like, up your nose with a rubber hose.

Do you think he'll do that? Do you think if I went and saw John travolta like at a restaurant or in the street not like a city that a table he's waiting for a table he's just hanging out there i say oh mr travolta i'm a big fan do you think you would say up your nose with a rubber hose he disappointed if he did he would he's got you know he knows he knows what the people want to hear they want to hear they don't want to hear shit from Pulp Fiction. No. They want to hear stuff from Welcome Back, Cotter.

They don't want to hear anything from those John Woo movies or whatever. Yeah. Up your nose with a rubber hose is what they want to hear. Do the Broken Arrow stuff. Take your face off. Take your face off. Take your face off take your face off are you really Nicholas Cage

Blair Erskine what a delight it is as always to have had you on the program here it's a tremendous delight and honor one of the funniest out there if you're not following Blair Erskine on Twitter you should be following Blair Erskine

on Twitter where she's writing funny jokes and making funny vids. Thank you. And follow me on Instagram too. I want to beat that fucking duck. Yeah. Help us fucking destroy wrinkles. We're coming for your wrinkles.

One of my favorite things about Blair Erskine's Twitter, I was trying to explain Blair Erskine's Twitter to my wife at dinner tonight especially the like the like look sometimes it's just a picture of her cow or that she recently got married or something but often it is uh it is timely videos where blair is doing a character from uh the real life of this nation and And I was trying to explain to her, I mean, I said it was sort of like one of those things

that your mom forwards you if that thing was funny. And they're really funny. Blair's videos are really, really funny. But one of my favorite parts, after Blair's writing and performance uh and and filmmaking they're well made as well um after those three things my second favorite is someone who's about 57 and is not sure if it's real maybe they think it's real and it's not, but they're not 100% on that. Or maybe they kind of figured out that it wasn't real three quarters of the way through, but they don't

want to fully commit, but they do want to reply to the tweet. They always have a write-in with Biden in their bios on Twitter. Yeah, they're that. That's my demo. That's my audience. God bless. Your reply guys have definitely all had like a poster of Joe Biden, like a poster of- A cardboard cutout. Oh, and the aviators and flames behind him. Yeah, they're- I don't know if they're real people, to be honest with you. I think they might- It seems far-fetched yeah it doesn't seem far-fetched to me to support joe biden no but to stand joe biden seems far-fetched yeah hard for joe when we post this episode people will reply to the post uh looking forward to listening sincerely paul there's that guy that one time who was like i don't really get it the last time i was on this podcast somebody one of my followers listened and they're like i don't

really understand these two but okay it's fair i mean i don't he's right what's the appeal that he is right i don't know that guy is right about everything, but he's right about this. My journal, the journalistic ethics code of NPR precludes me from saying whether he's right about Joe Biden, but I can say that he's right about Jordan Jeske Gold. There's no doubt about that. Nothing to get here. This is a waste. No. I would say it was a waste of talent were i talented um uh blair erskine uh thank you for thank you for slumming it with us here on jordan jesse go always a joy uh thank you for having me brian sunny d fernandez is our producer on the program valerie moffitt on the stream there our theme music is love you by the Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design, and Light in the Attic Records. Our thanks to them. Great music from

The Free Design. Definitely do check that out. We're not being sarcastic. They're an amazing, amazing band. Great inspiration to your Pizzicato Fives, your Stere your stereo labs these are the bands that will cite the free design jordan your people who want to tell you about how great the carpenters were that's not shade on the carpenters they were great um okay uh that's it maximumfund.reddit.com uh at jesse thorn at jordan underscore morris on. On Instagram, just follow. It's at seduction. Seductive. Yeah. Seductive.

We'll be back next week on Jordan, Jessica. I was just going to try to jump in with a duck update. Someone's doing real-time research in the chat. Holy shit. What? Wow. Hold on. Stop the end of the show.

Brian's got a duck update. Somebody, somebody. Yeah, okay. We're back. We're back in. Valerie's just turned the screen back on. We did another. This is an unprecedented.

This is a post-credit sequence. Holy, we didn't even do this on 9-11. That's how. You can edit that so you guys did 9-11. No one edit that. No one edit that. Who's right? I did.

9-11. Riding with Biden to the Twin Towers. Okay. Just in case. Yeah. Pizza gate is real. okay just in case yeah pizza gate is real is your idea of editing just saying something with a robot voice nope yeah just saying something it is that's it's crazy they're doing it in my bit they're

doing a crappy job of editing it people who turned it off at the credits feel like real assholes now because brian what's our duck situation? We have some people watching on the live stream. Some of them are good counters or computers. What do you got there, Brian? Well, we've got a couple. Someone, a listener named Carrie, is scouring the duck aggregators, the hashtag, the duck hashtags on Instagram. Yeah, duck aggregators. the hashtag, the duck hashtags on Instagram. Yeah, duck aggregators.

They're called flocks. She's found a couple key ducks that do have more than 19,000, but there's not that many. Oh, really? There's one named Ben Afquack. Uh-huh. That's good.

Is that his real name or is that his stage name it's put it here to put a middle initial quack damon the aflac duck surprisingly enough uh doesn't only has 14 000 so fuck you down um so that the uh afquack has 91 000 they're the most followed duck they're the one in the guinness book of world records for the most uh followed duck yeah do you think if i got it if i just got some feathers or whatever i could get in there probably like if i got feathers and i started posting inspirational quotes i think you'd have to show cloaca on me.

So only a few so far. There's a couple. This is for fucking and pooping is what you'll say. One named Puddles and Muffin that have 23,000. Right. What about the one from Central Park? The fancy one from Central Park? That one's probably got three accounts that are more popular than me.

We didn't find that one yet. What are you japanese cosplay duck um only one uharu who has uh uh 55 000 so you know what you know what led to this you know i was a pioneering menswear blogger i don't know if you guys know this but i was a pioneering menswear blogger. At one point had a very arguably the most popular menswear blog on the internet. And then I got completely lapped by something called menswear dog, which was just a dog wearing people clothes. Got a fucking book deal. There was a book deal for menswear dog. He wrote a book?

Jesus. I bet the people that invented menswear dog are nice i bet the dog itself is i guess probably dead at this point but well i hope so i took him i took him to a rotating restaurant when you heard he passed me on tumblr followers okay well i'm interested to hear wait so do we have a brian is there a can we can we kind of call a preliminary winner here oh yeah if unless she says unless there's an instant duck that's very bad at using hashtags it's just the four so is she just looking at hashtag duck i think she

said there's a couple there's a there's like Instagram. That's going to get you a lot of artillery based Instagram. That's a typo. Yeah. It's an auto-correct. Hashtag big ducks. Duck me daddy. Hashtag milled. Looking for mallards in my area.

Oh my god. So if we're saying four, Blair, you win. Congratulations. Thank you so much. You win two jelly beans? Is that what we decided on? Yes. I'll be looking out for them. My address is one zero. Okay, guys.

Two giant fire trucks just pulled up outside my house so i think it's time to go we'll talk to you next time on jordan jesse go maximumfun.org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported