Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 73: Another Bad Creation

Episode Date: September 24, 2008

Jesse's songwriting career is described, various presidential candidates are floated and much more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, friendly, maggoty, netty, twiddle, details of my extensive songwriting career,

careful descriptions of Juanita and the two Armenian gentlemen in my Spanish class, and much, much more. Let's go! It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Welcome, Jordan. Oh, it's great to jesse go i'm jesse thorn america's radio sweetheart i'm jordan morris boy detective welcome jordan oh it's great to be here welcome thanks for that warm welcome welcome to my program man it's great to be here isn't it great it's always great to be here you get to sit on that couch that's awesome i sat on that couch uh and talked into the microphone for the first time recently no yeah earlier this week this guy uh uh i'm going to go do San Diego America in Seattle.

Okay. And this guy from a radio station in Seattle happened to be in L.A., was going to do an interview with me. I said, well, you can just do it in my studio if you want. Sure. So I sat on the couch. Wow.

I gave him... He was in the hot seat. Yeah. Is that what you call the chair? The hot seat? Yeah, I call it the hot seat. That explains why my butt's always so hot while we're recording this. It's the temperature of the seat.

Oh, yeah, sure. Of course. No, absolutely. The temperature of the seat, you call it the hot seat. Yeah. I follow. I gotcha. How did it go?

Did he get anything out of you? I'm really self-conscious in those. When getting interviewed, I feel like I don't know, I'm really self-conscious in those when getting interviewed. Yeah. I feel like, I don't know whether I'm supposed to talk for a long time or a short time, basically. Yeah. I just went and did, um, I just went and did, uh, uh, John Moe's radio program. John Moe was a guest on the Sound of Young America, maybe six or six or nine months ago. He wrote a book called Conservatize Me, basically trying to live, trying to seek out a conservative lifestyle because he'd lived his life as a latte-sipping Seattleite, basically. Gotcha. And John has recently got made the host of Weekend America, the American public media program. Okay. And I got invited

to do this segment on there. I'll tell you what they do on American public media, program. Okay. And I got invited to do this segment on there. I'll tell you what they do on American Public Media, Jordan. Yeah. They tape for a half an hour. Mm-hmm. They cut it down to like four, three, four minutes. Sure. But what's weird is I was making...

For this particular segment. Sure, for this segment. I won't say that they do that for all American... I don't think that's what Garrison Keillor does. Is this the thumbs up, thumbs down? Yeah, exactly. Okay. It's good news, no news, bad news.

Gotcha. Good news, bad news, no news. I'm semi-familiar with this. Okay. David Rakoff is a mainstay on this. Sure, David Rakoff is a regular on there. You're in good company. I'm sure he's much, much better than I am.

I was on with Yale professor Amy Radford. Okay. And a gentleman from the Minneapolis Star Tribune. A real rogues gallery. Yeah, absolutely. Certainly. The gentleman from the Minneapolis Star Tribune, I should have mentioned, was a legendary train robber, Jesse James. Oh.

So it really was a rogues gallery. It's nice that he settled into that kind of nice, non-murderous career. He's a theater critic now. Oh, that's good. It's nice that he settled into that kind of nice non-murderous career. He's a theater critic now. Oh, that's good. So he actually, he was telling me. See, he still gets to use his cowboy skills in that. He was here in L.A. checking out 9 to 5, the musical.

And he told me he really liked it. He said he was surprised that someone could, I think what the expression he used was, strap on Dolly Parton's spurs and give that one a ride around the block. It really seems to be something that mothers and daughters can go to together. Yeah, absolutely. Take Grandma, too. Three generations of women, all in the seats. Be sure to wear red hats.

Clapping along. I made a lot of jokes jokes and you hear it later and they at one point they they did that thing where they cut in my punch line to a different setup no it was the same general theme but uh it was the wrong wording and didn't it didn't it didn't made it not funny not that it was that funny to begin with it was very disconcerting though it really made me feel confused about who i was what my place in the world was and whether or not you were uh crazy yeah i mean i'm reasonably confident that i'm crazy yeah oh okay not a not a thousand percent, but schizophrenia runs in my family. Yeah, well. Yeah, well.

You know, there you go. Enjoy that. Thanks. We have a lot of exciting things coming up on this week's program. We're going to talk about presidents, for example. Okay. What do you mean, okay? I'm responding.

I don't know what we're talking about on this program, so I'm just taking a mental inventory of what we're going to be doing. Did we talk about that we were going to talk about this last week, Jordan? Yeah, I'm not... Again, I kind of check out. Yeah. Do you need me to bring in somebody with a stronger love of lifelong learning? Is that what this is about? If you want to.

Like a community college student? Somebody going back to get an MBA? How about that? Yeah. Somebody getting a correspondence business administration degree? Is Barbizon still around? I don't know. The only problem is

I don't have Juanita's phone number. If I had Juanita's phone number, I would call her right now. Yeah. Can you tell me what part, in what part of the DMV do they wear smocks i don't know the radiology department she wears a smock okay she works at the dmv she works at the department of

motor vehicles she works at the dmv absolutely she's a grandmother by the way looks fantastic wow if this is true and i have no reason to to believe that Juanita is lying to me, Jordan. She doesn't have any phantom grandkids. She's not inventing false grandchildren. She claims to be a grandmother, and if she is indeed a grandmother, I'm impressed because she looks great. Yeah. She's obese. Jordan.

I assumed she was obese. I'm not trying. It's not my job to sit here but you're saying that she has a kind of a youthful glow in what way does she look good what about her looks good to you she just she's a pretty lady sure she's a you know like in the in the way you're like oh that's a pretty little symmetrical face she's very happy she's engaging she has great skin oh that's important uh very long fingernails sure um and a very very very becoming smock says dmv on one side and one on the other you know what i'm saying it's good what why does she wear this mock though that's what i was trying to get to i don don't know. Do you think she... They don't test for smog.

They don't do smog tests at the DMV. I don't think they do. No. Why would you need a... Yeah, okay. Do you think they have some kind of boiler room? She probably just works in the splash zone. Right.

The DMV splash zone. So in... I gotcha. So she needs a smock because it dries out faster. Mm-hmm. Well, to protect her clothes. Is it made out of a polymer? Well, sure.

It repels water. A water repellent? Not just resistant. Repellent. Yeah. Well, it makes the water beads on the smock. Beads on the smock. You're suggesting it's got some kind of like a 3M product in there?

Maybe it's been treated in some way. I don't know. It's what a duck has. I think that's what a duck has. Okay. Well, then that's it. That's why 3M is such a big company. Yeah, because they make all those ducks.

Yeah, exactly. They're the world's leading manufacturer of ducks. They don't, Jordan. Hmm. Hold on. I'm not, lookordan they don't they do not make they do not manufacture ducks jordan they just coat ducks in a film precisely the water bead on them and they vent and they sell the film for other stuff if you want to make water

bead on other stuff like your upholstery for example you spray it on there and it becomes duck like it gains the proper some of the properties of a duck like it's loyalty absolutely well all of a sudden you're sofa mates for life that's a swan you're thinking of ducks just fuck whatever they want to they do yeah swans those are the monogamous birds those are the monogamous water birds would a duck fuck a swan monogamous birds. Those are the monogamous water birds. Would a duck fuck a swan? The swan would ask for a serious commitment, and then the duck would lie. But it would

do it. Yeah. Well, if the duck was convincing enough. It's all about how convincing and sincere the duck could appear. Do you think it would move to another, like a different pond afterwards? Or would it hang around and dutch don't care it'll just fly south there's a reason that duck what if it was summer

okay okay okay we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. There's a new segment on the program, Jordan. This is a runaway hit so far. Is it? Inappropriate joke. i i contend that all the jokes contained within the failed joke segment are appropriately reasonable jokes to make at the time it's

the fault of the audience yeah absolutely i i too blame the audience jordan don't don't get me wrong here you now last week you had told a joke about James Cameron in a gathering of teachers. It failed miserably. Sure. The only person who laughed was the guy what brung you to the party. Yeah. That's okay. It happens sometimes. Today, I mean, just recently to me in Spanish class, I told a joke that failed. Okay. It happens to even the best of us. Here's what's going on. Wow, even Jesse Thorne? I know.

God, you'd think that, because if you listen to this program, you hear all my jokes landing with a crash of success. And a fiery ball of success. They fall out of the sky. Yeah. And land in a vat of success and they they die a slow painful death and then go to the heaven of success and then the success

pollutes the groundwater poisons the well what happens is the success the success builds up in the eggs of birds in the shells. And then so you can test it in the shell. So generation after generation, because they eat the things that have been poisoned with the success, it builds up in them until they themselves kill over from success. That was an example of such a joke. That's called successful spring. Anyway, so I was in spanish class jordan sure i'm in the spanish class uh uh professor castillo or professor castillo

professor renee castillo is prone to digression okay i would say. And for some reason, he had mentioned that living in California, he had never experienced an earthquake. No, he said, this is what he said. He said, I'm not afraid of earthquakes. I've been through earthquakes. I'm afraid of tornadoes. Then someone in the front row said, well, I'm from the Midwest. I've been through tornadoes. Then someone in the front row said, well, I'm from the Midwest. I've been through tornadoes. I'm not afraid of tornadoes. I'm afraid of earthquakes. And then someone said, I'm afraid of fire. And then I said, I'm afraid of bears. Because I was sick of people listing what they were afraid of while I was trying to learn Spanish. This whole conversation was in English.

Let me make that absolutely clear. You weren't learning verbs or verb tenses. This woman turns her head around to me, and she has this expression on her face that was almost silent film like in its disdain for the comment that I had just made. It was not it was not. It wasn't specifically that she didn't think it was funny. It was that she thought you were a jerk.

No, it wasn't that she thought I was a jerk, nor was it that she thought I was insane. It was that she thought there was something wrong with me and also had contempt for what was wrong with me. Right. It was like she thought I was a retard. Like whatever disease you had was your fault for getting it. It was like she thought I was a retard,

and she really hated retards. Gotcha. That's what it was like. And it was such a slow burn. Maybe some sort of lecherous lifestyle led to you becoming retarded. It was such a slow burn. It was as though i was consumed by madness but the madness was a result of syphilis which was because i was immoral gotcha

you see what i'm saying yeah she gave me this you went to some uh you went to some some less than reputable ports of call now she we should say she was sitting in the section of the spanish class which is primarily occupied by native spanish speakers who are taking spanish one for whatever reason i do not i don't know why the native Spanish speakers are taking Spanish 1, Jordan. Yeah. It's not, it's not mine to know. Let's put it that way. Yeah.

Because they will do the exercises, he will call upon them. Sure. To say, for example, you know, cuarenta y seis. Sure. Forty-six. Like if I was to say, okay, Jesse, here's your options. The dog runs in the park

or the dog ran in the park. We haven't gotten to that yet. Okay. You're just saying numbers. We won't. Yeah, we'll say a number. We did greetings the other day. Okay.

And in the greetings, we say, hola, hola, comoa como estas bien y tu yo soy un estudiante y tu yo soy un estudiante tambien because estudiante is the only occupation we know how to say gotcha see what i'm saying then two of these spanish-speaking people would come up with the papers in front of them with a list of things but then just have a regular spanish conversation briefly then go sit back down as though that was the normalist thing that could possibly happen in a spanish class so what are the what would you say what are the what are the groups that are in this class?

So you say there's a weird pocket of native Spanish speakers. Okay, there's a pocket of native Spanish speakers who I assume, like maybe they have to be full-time students to qualify for financial aid, so they figured the easiest class they could take was... It's just where you fill in the blank with the equivalent of the word the. It's really what we're doing in this in this

spanish class is the equivalent of what you would do in english class in first grade sure kindergarten not even first grade we haven't even made it to first grade level academics in their native language so that's that's one group that's about five to ten there's these two armenian guys um who are unbelievable i i look at these two guys and i can't imagine that they're real people here's what they're like they certainly have to be 19 because I figure they have to be, they just have to be old enough to be in a community college. Sure. They must be 18 or 19. 18.

I guess they could be 18, right? Okay. They're either 18 or 19 years old. There's no way they're not teenagers. Okay. They're very thin. Okay. They're very thin.

One of them has a terrible wisp mustache. You know the mustache. I'm familiar with that mustache. It's horrible. My first mustache. The other one has that, only instead of being a mustache, it's those thin line sideburns that go down your chin. Like tiny beard thing. But it's as creepy and wispy as the other guy's mustache. Yeah.

Okay. They have hair. They must put a gallon of LA looks gel into their hair every day. Because it is, not only is it rock. It came with the British Knights that they bought. Exactly. It came with the light up BKs. It's not only is it rock came with the british knights that they bought exactly it came with the uh light up bks it's not only those are la lights but yeah similar thing um they're not only rock solid but it it looks as though they just dunked their head into a vat of i don't know

olive oil they're there. They're oily. They look like they are not oily, specifically their hair. Their hair is oily. But rock solid. I don't want people to think it's greasy. It's shiny. Gotcha. What it's more like is it's like, did you ever take like a plastics class at the boys

club or something? No. Okay. Well, it's like they took their head and dunked it into liquid plastic so as to make it into a paperweight. Okay. That's what it looks like. Sure.

And they seriously dress. And I'm... This is something that someone would say hyperbolically to make a point, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, Jordan. But please understand that I mean this literally. They dress as though they're auditioning for a Backstreet Boys video. The one guy comes in, he's got these jeans, like baggy

jeans with like... But they have like eight pockets on the leg. Yeah, they've got eight pockets on the leg. On the front of the leg. And they have a lot of like detail stitching. Okay. Like things stitched on them. And also they're very light colored. They're a very light colored gene as well. He's got on, and they're much too big for him. So they have all these weird folds around the belt line, which gather under the absurdly oversized belt buckle. Like rodeo sized belt buckle, seriously. But it's not a rodeo.

It's like a pair of tumbling dice or a skull and crossbones or something like that. Gotcha. These are very skinny young men. Again, extremely skinny young men. The guy's wearing a black tank top, you know, like an A-frame undershirt, a wife beater, with a white dress shirt over it. It's much too big for him. Sure. Much too big for him. dress shirt over it. It's much too big for him. Sure. Much too big for him. It's got, for some reason, the bottom two buttons are buttoned on this thing, and the rest is open, so as to showcase his giant silver cross that he wears around his neck. Sounds like somebody's got a crush. I do. I do. Jesse, you old dog. I wouldn't say, Jordan, I wouldn't say I have a crush. But it was more of just a one-night thing. Sure.

You know what I mean? Yeah. It was just kind of like the opportunity presented itself, and it seemed like I should just, you know, you only live once. It's like, hey, you need a ride. He's got a tricked-out Honda Civic, and you go to the hookah bar. Exactly. That's exactly what happened.

Flavored hookah goes right to your head. Precisely. Precisely. So that's one group of people in the class. There are two white women who sit up in the front row of the class. These two women have to be the most spectacularly awful Spanish speakers I've ever... Are these moms? These are clearly... these are, if not

grandmas, then they're ma's. Okay. We're looking at, I'd say they're in their mid to late 50s. Okay. So it could potentially be moms, but who knows? Juanita's a grandma, as it turned out. I would have never guessed. She looks great. Juanita, she announced a grandma i know tell me about it she announced she announced that she was a grandma i thought i could call him she announced that she was a grandma in class one day like i got grandchildren and then everybody was like yeah no way juanita you look too good that'd be funny if uh it was just dead quiet before she said that i'm sure it was dead quiet before she said that and uh so those two women are just baffled and then you got a lot of your community college students woman came up woman talked to me and sandwich uh she's got a degree in uh alternative medicine okay from an

alternative medicine college and she figured she should take some uh take some business classes or something to fall back on and fall back on in case the... To fall back on, to get a more... She had gone to multimedia school, which is, you know, computers and stuff. Yeah. Computers, light shows. Seemed like it wasn't really a thing. Smoke machine.

Exactly. So, yeah, Spanish class is really something. It's really something. But you failed a joke recently, didn't you? Yeah, I had a failed joke this week, too. There's a lot of swag in my office. People send a lot of swag. We're talking about, like,

an According to Jim Hacky sack? Yeah, sure. There's a lot of... Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of the TV movie swag. I have a... The Mummy, Tomb of the Dragon Emperor duffel bag that I've been enjoying lately. And there was actually...

For duffling. I remember there was actually a day where I thought to myself, holy Christ, I'm wearing all swag. Really? And that was including my semi-pro commemorative socks and my Balls of Fury commemorative underwear. Wow. And then the rest of it was also swag.

Why would you wear those things? Hard to say. You make a good salary. Yeah. I'm sure they're not of quality. The socks are nice. Oh, are they? Socks are like those American apparel socks that I like.

Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, because it's ironical type based upon... Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. The movie is set in the 70s. Striped tube socks. Yes. I gotcha.

Okay. So you were wearing all swag. I have no explanation for what I'm wearing. Anyways, that's just a side note, is that I've gotten to the point in my life where I can just have a swag outfit. Right. I can too, as long as I wear all books.

Right. Which I, at most, once or twice a week. Yeah. You know what I mean? If the situation calls for it. It's hot out. If I'm going to the library, and it's hot outside. Anyway, so someone had sent, there I guess is a shoe or clothing company called Macbeth,

Macbeth Footwear. Macbeth Footwear. I had not heard of it. This sounds like now you're sure this wasn't just a promotion for the Scottish play. Oh, you kind of ruined my joke. Oh, sorry. Go ahead, go ahead.

Anyways, so there were some boxes sitting around. They say Macbeth Footwear on them. I announced with great vigor, man, they should change that box so it says the Scottish footwear. Nothing. No one even looked up from what they were doing. Jordan, just because the other people there weren't high school theater nerds. I assumed they were. I assumed that everyone who works with me has been in our town, or at least crude for our town. I think that your problem, it's the same problem as the James Cameron joke last time around.

You just assume that you're surrounded by comedy dorks all the time. Yeah. Who naturally would know a lot about James Cameron's various non-Titanic projects. Naturally would have been a high school drama nerd. Yeah. Hey, maybe I just don't know my audience. You gotta know your audience, Jordan. I guess it's like when a stand-up comedian goes to a new town, you gotta, you know, you

gotta do some local color jokes up front. How about that water tower? Sure, right? Sure has been rickety this year. Almost fell on old man McGillicuddy's yard. How about that governor? His decisions are questionable. He may be on the take.

Mm-hmm. Right? Yeah. I don't know, though. Yeah, I feel like that one was... Nobody got that. There was no... I don't know.

If somebody got it, nobody looked up and it didn't motivate anybody to laughter. Excuse me. A couple people threw, like, a Nerf football at you. Yeah, right in the crotch.

Somebody kicked your balls. I got hit in the balls last week. Yeah? How'd that happen? I was playing basketball, and somebody stole the basketball from me and clipped me in the balls. I realize it's just been a long time since I've gotten hit in the balls. Yeah. You do.

You don't realize it, but you do a great job on a day-to-day basis of protecting your balls. Think of how many times you've accidentally hit yourself in the forehead or slammed your finger in something, and then compare that to the number of times you've hit your balls. I don't know. I feel like I get hit in the balls a lot.

Maybe your testicles aren't that big. Yeah, you have giant balls. I'm always sitting on them weird or something i'm talking about on a sliding scale sure i mean granted you know i'm i've got sort of grape size testicles and you've got baseball size testicles sure but that's because of a condition jordan and the condition makes you hyper aware of your testicles. Yeah. For obvious reasons.

So much teasing as a child. Somebody, I was walking home from class the other day, Jordan. This woman walks up behind me talking so loudly on her cell phone. I thought she must be insane. But this is how I figured out she wasn't insane. It was because she didn't seem angry at all. And I thought if a crazy person was talking that loud, it would be because they were angry. Yeah.

This person just doesn't know how to operate a cellular telephone. Sure. So the woman goes up behind, comes up behind me. I'm just standing waiting across the street. And she just, she's yelling at the top of her lungs. And she goes, street and she just she's yelling at the top of her lungs and she goes but yo that's on you you ain't gotta be no pee pants well you know she sounds that it sounds like an angry

sounds like someone peed their pants when they weren't supposed to i'd be pissed off and they're getting blamed for it is that what you're saying i don't i don't honestly jordan i don't honestly know yeah you know it's not my place to know this kind of thing all i'm saying is you don't gotta be no pee pants yeah it sounds angry she said it's so loud jordan so loud okay well we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart i I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. There are in each generation certain iconic performers, artists whose artistry captures the spirit of a generation. One might say this about Stephen Foster, the turn of20th-century songwriter. One might say it about Louis Armstrong,

who defined the terms of jazz music. One might say it about the great Frank Sinatra or Elvis Presley. One might, too, say it about Jordan Morris. This is a segment on Jordan Jesse Go that is almost certainly our most beloved, our most spectacular, our most crowd-pleasing, our most heartwarming, our most delightful. It's called Jordan Sings a Song. Jordan, what song will you be singing for us this week? I'll be singing The Old Gray Mare.

The Old Gray Mare, as performed by Jordan Morris. Jordan? The old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be, ain't what she used to be, ain't what she used to be. The old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be the old gray mare she ain't what she used to be many long years ago many long years ago many long years ago the old gray mare she ain't what she used to be many long years ago second verse. The old gray mare She kicked on the wiffle tree Kicked on the wiffle tree Kicked on the wiffle tree

The old gray mare She kicked on the wiffle tree Many long years ago It seems like At this Like now Popular songs are about You know Kind of a big instance

Or a big feeling Or kind of a defining moment Or something like Seems like old popular songs Could just be Kind of an Like a thing that happened Like an everyday occurrence

Spoken like a man Who's never kicked on a wiffle tree Yeah well I guess so Maybe Have you? i haven't but i can't imagine that it's really something to write home about yeah i wrote sick i kicked on one whiffle tree i wrote six pop songs wow six huge hits justin timberlake did one yeah maya did one tony tony tony did one another badake did one. Yeah. Maya did one. Tony, Tony, Tony did one. Another Bad Creation did one. Tony Orlando did one. Wow.

And the sixth and final one was performed by former California Governor Jerry Brown. How about that? Did that hit his singing career? Didn't really take off no it didn't it was a brief blip between his period where he was uh you know governor starchild or whatever and his second act as among other things the mayor of oakland and now uh our state's attorney general jerry brown good for him though huh yeah, huh? Yeah, that one was called Whiffle Tree Rock. Was there a Whiffle Tree twist?

No, there was not a Whiffle Tree twist. There was a Do the Whiffle Tree. Okay. The Whiffle Tree, that was the ABC, Another Bad Creation song. Oh, it was the Justin Timberlake one, Whiffle Tree, in parentheses, my baby. Yeah, it was. Do you remember that one? I do. I didn't know you wrote that. Yeah, a lot of people think Timberlake one, Whiffletree, or in parentheses, my baby? Yeah, it was. Do you remember that one? I do.

I didn't know you wrote that. Yeah, a lot of people think Timberland wrote that. Oh. He did the production. Well, he did some of the production. I'll tell you the truth.

Danger Hands did a lot of the production. Oh, boy. He was uncredited. Now Danger gets credited as his new name, Danger. Sure. But it was Timberland

who did it, which is why it which is why which is why there was a verse from magoo i did not want magoo on the song no but magoo and timbo are old friends and he insisted upon it my favorite my favorite was the tony tony tony one to tell you the truth jordan whiffle tree equals penis well yeah i mean that's how p.e.n.i.s yeah it wasn't just penis it stood for something jordan okay power in everything nothing is sacred wow you know the whiffle Tree was so loaded with symbolism. It was. It was a really cool song.

Actually, you know who covered that? And it didn't make the charts. It was just a deep album cut. Terrence Trent Darby. Wow. Yeah, on his second album. On TTD's second album. And he's recently been touring with it

under his new name, Sananda Maitreya. He now performs with Sananda Maitreya. He now performs as Sananda Maitreya. Anyway, just some fun whiffle tree stuff we like to talk about on the show from time to time. I hadn't talked a lot about my songwriting career. You'd think you would have more money. Jordan. What? You don't know shit about how the music industry works.

I guess not. Sorry, I hear it can be cruel. They suck out your creativity not to mention your money you know it was great though metallica yeah i do love metallica great because they rock yeah they rock they sure do they rock consistently they fucking rock they do you know what i mean? Mm-hmm. Kurt. Lars. Sure. These guys, they... They rock.

Absolutely! We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Gale. Don't get me started on new bass player. And it fit that one in, huh? Yeah. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan. Yes. It's important. Podcasting isn't a one-way medium. Okay. This is an interactive medium, Jordan. We're trying to talk to people,

find out what they think about the issues of the day. Yeah. This isn't just our mouthpiece for us to sound off on. It's not a saxophone where we vibrate a reed and work various valves in order to generate tones. This is a double saxophone. Two people blowing into separate ends. The breaths hitting in the middle.

They vibrate a reed there in the center of the saxophone. That's how one person passes out. That's called an oral exciter. Hi, Jordan and Jesse. This is Ingrid from Seattle calling to respond to your action item. By nominating international movie star and local celebrity Tom Skerritt for president, the reasons for the nomination are threefold. First, his impressive military record as commander of Top Gun.

Number two, his manual dexterity with a flamethrower, even in the cold vacuum of space. And number three, his authority of commanding and very doodly mustache. Plus, I think that's where Skerritt makes a great and pithy campaign slogan. Anyway, thanks a lot. Bye. Did you hear that? While she was advocating for the presidency of Tom Skerritt,

she was actually hit by a flamethrower being wielded by Skerritt in the cold vacuum of space. Yeah. And yet, she was unaffected. Wow. At least her tone of voice was unaffected. Sure. Her skin may have been roasted. Yeah. And yet, she was unaffected. Wow. At least her tone of voice was unaffected. Sure. Her skin may have been roasted.

Yeah. We can't see her. Yeah, but you know, when you get attacked by Skerritt, it's one of those things, like, you don't really know it until, like, five minutes afterwards. Until he's gone. He's off. It's like getting... Off to the next conquest.

Stung by certain kinds of jellyfish. Yeah. Actually, what happens with Skerritt is he crawls up in your urethra. And he's got these barbs. Yeah, he lays his barbed eggs. He barbs his... Now, his eggs are barbed? Well, most of him is barbed.

And yeah, his eggs are barbed. His eggs are barbed. His individual constituent parts are barbed? Yeah, yeah. His nurples? He's covered in barbs. Would you say his nurples are barbed? They are two barbs. And his eggs are barbed yeah yeah he's covered in barbs would you say his nurples are barbed they are two barbs and his eggs are barbed his shits are barbed like anything that comes out of him is covered in

like barbs that can be ejected at any time what about his patella yes a kneecap yes as i understand it also barbed can i just run a couple a few parts of tom scarrett by you and you let me know if they're barbed i mean i'm gonna say yes i mean yeah i i challenge you to find a non-barbed part of tom scarrett but yeah haircut haircut yes he goes to a barber we didn't even plan that. We did not plan that. Jordan, what? Somehow our program has become the jokes are like the level of jokes. It would be like a joke book written by Richard Scary,

the guy who has the town full of earthworms. Yeah, yeah, lowly worms, sure. He goes to a barber. Jesus Christ, Jordan. Hey, Jordan and Jesse, this is John from St. Cloud. I got a presidential candidate and a running mate, and I think it's the perfect choice. And there were two previous Jordan and Jesse Go guests.

I would have to say Cloud Prodesto, Acno president, Vice President, Ashkahn. I mean, just think about it. He'd be able to take care of the business, nitty-gritty details. Ashkahn could be the mouthpiece. And come on. about it, he'd be able to take care of the business, nitty-gritty details, Ash Conkabee the mouthpiece, and come on. I mean, you've got a perfect campaign slogan there. Yada-da-mean. Come on.

You know, when they talk about creating the perfect presidential ticket, they talk about splitting the ticket, right? Right. You talk about splitting the ticket. That means that, let's say you have a candidate from the Northeast. Sure. Maybe you want to get a Southern candidate to balance the ticket. Sure, sure. I mean, this is, that's, I mean, that's it. You have New York Jew. Right. Persian guy. Right. And he's a converted Jew, so he covers both. Right, right, right. So he covers both your observant Jew community and, flip side of that, Jordan,

he covers people who are questioning, not sure what they're supposed to do, what they're going to do about their religion. It covers people with and without foreskins because he had one for much of his life and then had it removed when he converted. So you're covering a lot of bases there. Then you've got R. Curry, the Persian R. Kelly, as Ashkahn has taken to calling himself. That's good. No, it's terrible. It's right up there when he goes to a barber.

I think barber and R. Curry are both good. So we just have to agree to disagree on this one. Here's the thing, though. Okay. When you're picking a vice presidential candidate the number one qualification is is this person ready to step in and be the president should something happen they're a heartbeat away i think they say let's just say claude away from the president claude brodesser ackner died in a horrible variety speak disaster sure let's say he got uh pegged by a scheme sure uh maybe something went

wrong with the laugher net let's say a helmer struck him in the laugher net yeah exactly uh maybe maybe at warner's sure um ashkahn's not ready to be president. Yeah, that's true. He's only interested in his playboy lifestyle. Mm-hmm. You see what I'm saying, Jordan? He's interested in wine, women, good times. Yeah. But really, isn't that what the country needs right now? Wine, women, and good times?

Yeah, right? It's pretty convincing. Mm-hmm. Well, there are other candidates that have been suggested. Okay, let's not... Let's not jump the gun and pick one yet. Hi, guys. This is Kevin from Chicago, and I'm calling about a presidential candidate. Bruce Campbell, because, I mean, he's the man. I mean, you really don't need an argument

for that. He just should be president of everything. Alright, because, I mean, he's the man. I mean, you really don't need an argument for that. You just should be president of everything. All right, guys, bye. No, you need an argument for that. Yeah, I'd like to hear one. You can't just say that Bruce Campbell should be president. Yeah, somebody called in to say Superman should be president. President Superman. I like the sound of that.

President Superman? Jordan? Yeah? the sound of that president superman jordan yeah who's running america when jordan's in his ice cat when when superman's in his ice castle his fortress of solitude yes i believe so superman's fine man don't worry about him george bush goes to camp david superman goes to the fortress of solitude how smart is superman really very do you think don't you think that Superman should be going to cabinet meetings,

but instead he's going to be flying around stopping petty criminals? Yeah, it's got to be a tough lifestyle to kick. Exactly. Like wanting to catch a mugger. Precisely, Jordan. Precisely. So, Superman,

I'm completely unconvinced about that. It's just like how George Bush will just take the day off and ruin a baseball team. I'm convinced about all of this here, Drew. I'm unconvinced about all of these candidates so far. I need to hear some more and better candidates first. Bruce Campbell hasn't been like, I don't know. I mean, I see why you would like Bruce Campbell at some point, but he hasn't been holding his own in the semi-ironic, like campy celebrity self-conscious we did some old spice commercials did he yeah he did and he's got a new tv show huh he's got a new show on usa i

think oh he's coming out with a movie called bruce exclamation mark oh bruce so that's something like his life story um no maybe bruce campbell is more active than I thought. I'm sorry. Maybe I just haven't been keeping up. Maybe you should pay more attention to Bruce Campbell. I mean, I'm not a Campbellman myself, which is what his fans call themselves, I presume. Campbellman. Campbellman, yeah. Well, it depends on the gender.

Campbell women. Sure. Or Campbell representatives. Sure. For gender neutral. Sorry, political correct a-holes. Yeah. Oh, man.

I'd love to... How about this? I'd love to tear political correctness a new one. Yeah. Are you going to go on one of your classic rants, Jesse? Are you going to go on one of your trademark rants? Absolutely. Yeah.

Let's call the faggots faggots. Right? No, I... Let the faggots get marriedgots. Yeah, right? No, I... Let the faggots get married. Just don't shove it in my face. Yeah. Why do they always got their dick in my face? I keep sucking their dicks.

That's pretty good. Right? Yeah. That was me just doing a comedy routine. Mm-hmm. That is from my comedy routine. Do you think it's good? Yeah, I do.

Hey! I'm always talking to Dick. Hey, what's this dick in here for? I don't know. That's good. Why's it got these bobs on it? Yeah, man, you could uh, you're just gunning for a sitcom

though, you know? I hate it when you see those comedians and you're just like, nah, you're just gunning for a sitcom, though, you know? Yeah. I hate it when you see those comedians and you're just like, nah, you're just gunning for your sitcom. You're not in it for the craft of stand-up comedy. That's what you're doing there. You have a strong character with a strong voice. Yeah. You can build a show around that.

Look at Roseanne. Yeah, no, that's true. She's got a strong character with a strong voice. You know who I saw do stand-up comedy the other day? John Lovitz? It was John Lovitz. Because you invited me. Oh, I invited you to see John Lovitz, but you couldn't come.

I couldn't come. I was super tired, and it cost a lot of money to go see John Lovitz. Yeah. No, I went to see it at the Laugh Factory. I live on the same block as the Laugh Factory, but I've never been inside it. I just can't stand, like, the traditional comedy club. It's like,

it's like how you don't, it's like how you want to eat the sausage, but you don't want to see how it's made. Yeah, sure. You know? Mm-hmm. You see all the different weird body parts that go into it.

No, there's always just a real shady group of people lined up outside the Laugh Factory. Not shady, not like they're, they carry knives or something, but just questionable people. It's a grown-up version

of the two Armenian dudes in my class. Yeah, yeah. By by the way i want to be absolutely clear uh uh i don't think that their weird outfits have anything to do with the fact that they're armenian or they're absurd yeah i just the outfits are weird though they're super weird outfits and the dudes are definitely armenian yeah yeah there's an armenian lady in my class who does not does not dress like she's auditioning for a Backstreet Boys video. Yeah, no, there's definitely that. There's definitely a line outside the Laugh Factory that's all, you know, people with really out there, really outdated clothes. Yeah.

Kind of lined up. A lot of women who dress like Kelly Bundy. Yes. I saw a lot of people dress like that outside of a club in Hollywood. I don't spend a lot of time in the Hollywood late in the evening at club time. Teresa and I were driving back from that 826 benefit show. I saw this whole line of people, and that's exactly what I thought. They're all dressed like Kelly Bundy.

Yeah, or a guy that Kelly Bundy would bring home. Like Claudia Schiffer? Sure, sure. Maybe that's a thing. That might be a thing these days. I don't know. dressed like kelly bundy yeah or a guy that kelly bundy would claudia schiffer sure sure like maybe that's a thing that might be a thing these days i don't know like the 80s i've been metal skank look i don't know i've been seeing a lot more of that kind of tiger stripe that you would see on like a sidelines baseball cap in a football game in 1994 okay you know what i'm saying that is kind of fluorescent colored tiger stripe ball cap okay i don't know what that is kind of fluorescent colored tiger stripe ball cap okay i don't remember what the company was that made those but there was a

company that made those i've been seeing a lot of that tiger like a fine tiger stripe like narrow yeah tiger stripes you know what i'm saying no okay sorry uh i've been seeing a lot of polka dots like kwame the boy wonder a lot of Kwame the Boy Wonder style polka dots. I don't know what any of this is. I've been seeing a lot of backwards pants. Backwards pants. I do know what that is. Okay.

And I hadn't been to a traditional comedy club in years and years and years. And I guess since maybe I first did stand-up comedy at Rooster T. Feathers in college. Cock-a-doodle-doo! It was the last time I was I first did stand-up comedy at Rooster Teeth Feathers in college. It was the last time I was at a traditional stand-up club. And the MC of the night, John Lovitz didn't do the whole, he had an MC in an opening act. And the MC actually, seriously did a Pete Rose joke. Wait, now, wait, wait. A Pete Rose joke.

Wait, wait, wait. Jesse. Wait, now. Pete Rose. Wait, wait, wait. Pete. Wait, wait, now, wait, wait, wait, now, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, now, now, now, wait, wait, now, now. It's amazing what you can do with these little keychains you get at the Hot Topic. That was the Jordan Jesse Go one. Say wait and now. Two of our most famed catchphrases, wait and now. I also got Mr. T.

Oh, yeah. We want to hear the Pete Rose joke. Okay. Now, Pete Rose, for those of you who are under the age of 25 and thus don't remember any of this at all, Pete Rose, baseball legend of the 1970s, played well into the 1980s and then in the late 1980s was the manager, player manager, then later

manager manager of the Cincinnati Reds. Bet against his own, bet for his team, bet on his team to win. He was clear about but Bet, who was a compulsive gambler, got banned from baseball for life. Let's hear the joke.

So all these, I'm doing it in his cadence too, the cadence of the MC. So all these ballplayers getting caught for steroids, Roger Clemens saying, I didn't do steroids. Pete Rose is like, I bet you did. Because I bet. I bet. Yeah. Laughter. do steroids pete rose is like i bet you did because i bet i bet yeah laughter but yeah the audience audience loved it and everyone uh mc feature comedian and love it's included everyone did michael jackson jokes all three all three did michael jackson michael jackson jokes yeah once some and the mc worked it into a joke about Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction. Unbelievable.

It was weird, yeah. And he got to it through these three steps, so it was for some reason acceptable. He's like, so it's football season. I'm not paying much attention this year. Didn't even watch the Super Bowl. How about last year? Janet Jackson's clothes coming off. It's the first time a young boy ever, you know, touched a Jackson.

So it was like, you know, he had to tack on three things to be able to make that old Michael Jackson joke. Jesus Christ. He's like, I got a great new Michael Jackson joke three years ago. Three years ago now, right? Yeah, I think so. Three years ago. We It was three years ago now, right? Yeah, I think so. Three years ago. We were in college when that happened, right? Yeah, this was right after, I remember it was the same Super Bowl as the Super Bowl

shuffle, right? Yeah. 1987, 1986, 87? Yeah, yeah. Chicago Bears? Sure. This was like, I'm not sure, but I think... Who was the two people involved? Janet Jackson and Newt Rockne?

Yeah. Oh, you know what? Newt Rockne was actually afterwards. It was... Tom... Tom Skerritt. Tom Skerritt. Oh, I remember. It was Janet...

It was Janet Jackson and Andy Kirk in his 12 Clouds of Joy. I'm not sure. I think you're right about Andy Kirk in his 12 Clouds of Joy. I'm not sure. I think you're right about Andy Kirk in his 12 Clouds of Joy, but I'm pretty sure it was Andy Kirk in his 12 Clouds of Joy and Kennesaw Mountain Landis. You're right. Is that correct?

Yeah. That is so weird. That was Hee Haw. This is a professional comedian. Yeah, this is a professional comedian. Wasn't it just two talking dogs? Like, two trained talking dogs? No, just making sounds that sounded like human sounds. They didn't really

talk. It was just, you'd say, what's the, you know, what's the, how's, what's it like, what's it like out there if you lost your job in the Great Depression? Rough, rough. Sure. No, no, these were men. Grown, adult men.

Male dogs. Adult dogs, yes. No, no, no, these were human males. Dogs? Yeah. And dog John Lovitz was disappointingly a hack, but his mannerisms and his vocal quality were so funny that it like, I don't know, I was like fine

watching it. I heard his act is built around him singing songs about Bob Saget being gay. That's his big finale, yeah, as he sits at a piano. And he has a lovely voice. He's a trained singer.

Is he? He's trained as a singer. He's trained as a I believe like an opera singer. Yeah he? He was trained as a singer. I believe it. He's trained as, I believe, like an opera singer. Yeah, he sang songs about how Bob Saget was gay, and he also did some jokes about this other L.A. comedian, Joe Coy. He, I guess, is an Asian comedian, and he... What's his name now? Joe Coy. Never heard of this.

an Asian comedian and he What's his name now? Joe Coy. Never heard of this. I've never seen but I'm kind of aware that he LA has a bunch of like you know

ethnically themed comedy nights. I hear this is kind of going around the comedy and you know there's like Chopstick

and like Chocolate Sundays. Yeah. And I guess Joe Coy has become big via these kind of Asian themed comedy nights. Anyways and so John has become big via these kind of asian themed comedy nights anyways and so john lovett sang some kind of you know fake racist songs about joe coy and then some

songs about how bob saget is gay but it was it i didn't well it wasn't funny for a lot of reasons but primary amongst them being neither of those two people were there to hear them. Would that have made it funny? It made it not funny because no one was embarrassed. Weren't you embarrassed? No, I mean, I was embarrassed to be there. Maybe it was funny for John Lovitz. You were embarrassed for John Lovitz, right? Yeah, and then he thought it was funny that I was so embarrassed for him.

But, you know, even though he was so bad, I still maintain that I want him to have that Bill Murray-esque comeback to where he is in incredible movies. And people will realize what a compelling performer he is. But isn't he horrible at acting? Is Bill Murray good at acting? I don't know.

There's no way. Just given the right director, I think Lovitz can... Would you rather have a love it would you rather have john lovitz have a bill murray like comeback or chevy chase chevy chase could do it i think chevy's chase is good and not read it i would love to see it happen to love it i feel like lovitz deserves it more but doesn't love it's having like a great career being in you know movies starring friends of adam sandler yeah is that a still a genre of movie yeah sure those are still yeah the friends

of adam sandler can still get a movie made because i'm concerned i'm just a little concerned that that's going to be superseded by jonah hill movies yeah you know what i mean i mean nothing against jonah hill a funny guy sure uh yeah no and the um yeah i think the adam sandler friend movie is maybe on the wane but it's got a little while i think do you think let me ask you this question yeah do you think we could scrape up the money to put together a john lovitz nor mcdonald vehicle wow that's a dream team right like a road trip like a buddy road trip yeah oh my gosh. Man. And Lovitz is being weird.

Norm MacDonald thinks he's gay. You know what I'm saying? I don't know, though. It seems like this idea that we're coming up with is... I want to see Lovitz in like a Wes Anderson or a P.T. Anderson. But he had his big moment was in Happiness, wasn't it? He's in Happiness. Oh, is he? I haven't seen that.

Yeah, I watched some of it, and it made me too upset. Yeah, yeah. But he sings in it, and he plays some kind of singing pedophile, if I'm not mistaken. Oh, I've got to watch that. He's supposed to be quite good, and it's quite sad and upsetting and creepy. And some people think it's funny. I did not. It made me feel bad about upsetting and creepy. And some people think it's funny. I did not. It made me feel bad about myself.

Gotcha. And others. Sure. Overall, it made me feel bad. And the DVD player. Absolutely. Did you see Norm MacDonald on the roast of Bob Saget? I did.

Absolutely. That was special. That was really good. Actually, a little inside scoop, a friend of the program, Chris Fairbanks, was actually there. Oh, yeah. At the roast. I hear they cut away to him numerous times because I think at that time he was still Comedy Central's Chris Fairbanks. Oh, correct.

And he said that the laughter that you saw on the telecast was all added. He says when Norm Macald was doing that there was zero laughter in the audience wow they see they cut in laughter and other shots of the comedians in the audience laughing he says when norm mcdonald was doing that there was no laughter this is what norm mcdonald did for those who didn't see and you can see it i posted it on the max fun blog so if you search for norm mcdonald on the max, and you can see it, I posted it on the Max Fun blog, so if you search for Norm MacDonald on the Max Fun blog, you can find it there. He, first of all, while the other comedians were doing their jokes in the roast, he read the newspaper. And every so often when they would refer directly to him, he'd look up with a kind of sweet, quizzical look on his face like,

you're making fun of me? Why? Or Or why have you mentioned me? I'm just sitting here reading the newspaper. Then he came up and he proceeded to, and I don't know if you saw the TV version or the internet's version. The internet's version was longer than the TV version. I saw both because I saw the roast in a hotel room. And the internet's version is, I don't know, five or six minutes, a pretty long time, of Norm Macdonald

just reading parlor jokes from note cards and then just putting the one note card, just parlor jokes, notes that he clearly got from Uncle Miltie's's book private joke file exactly i mean just the most hackneyed jokes like 1936 jokes that you would hear at a stag party

hosted by the seroptimists of... Something you would hear in the Catskills. Not even. I would grade them as lower than that. Okay. I'm going 19... The year is 1947. The setting is the Columbus, Missouri Seroptimists Club.

It's late in the evening and everyone is drunk. He's reading them from these note cards and that's all he did. The entire time. It was one of the most amazing comedy performances I've ever experienced, certainly. It was truly a spectacular experience to view. Yeah.

It wasn't anything. All right, so I'm talking to you, P.T. Anderson. I'm talking directly to you, guy who made Sideways. Let's try and put down whatever project you're working on. Let's see a Lovitz McDonald comeback movie. Do you feel like that's going to be the venue for the two of them? Well, I mean, if they just make another... movie do you feel do you feel like that's the gonna be the venue for the two of them well i mean if they just make another i think they make an adam sandler gross out movie nobody's gonna

pay attention but i think they just need that you know i'd like to see art house acclaim i'd like to see a movie with chevy chase and norm mcdonald no because because whenever chevy chase is on screen in the movie dirty work yeah I just can't stop laughing. To me, that is the funniest thing in history. Okay, obviously you're not as pumped on the Lovitz comeback as I am. Can we just all agree that he should make some more episodes of The Critic? I didn't like The Critic that much. I like Lovitz on news radio better than I like The Critic.

Hmm, okay. But I love Lovitz too. I'm not against his comeback at all. You sound like you're anti-Lovitz on news radio better than I like The Critic. Hmm, okay. But I love Lovitz, too. I'm not against his comeback at all. You sound like you're anti-Lovitz comeback. I am a guy who said that news radio with Lovitz was just as good as news radio with Phil Hartman. Hmm, okay. I have maintained that. Some people will run you up the flagpole for that.

I know, because Phil Hartman, God rest his soul, died. And it makes me horribly sad, becauseil hartman was a brilliant genius but i think you put john lovitz on that program throw in a putty from seinfeld sure you're doing great yeah yeah it's too bad patrick warburton has this extraordinarily rewarding career being on a mediocre but semi-hit sitcom that's going to run for years yeah Yeah, don't forget voiceover work. Yeah, he's got that voiceover work. I'd just love to see... If I was going to put somebody

in one of those movies, it might be Patrick Warburton. Yeah. What about that? Man, I can't wait until we're star makers. Jordan. Yeah.

I've got daddy issues. That's good. That's what he says. Good Warburton. Thanks. It was okay. Your Warburton's better than my Warburton. It's pretty's what he says. Good Warburton. Thanks. It was okay. Your Warburton's better than my Warburton. It's pretty good.

Can we hear your Warburton, Jordan? Later in the show. I'll sign off with it. Okay. Well, that's the sound of Young America, Jordan Jesse Goh promised. Jordan will sign off with his Warburton. Do we have more calls to listen to? Yeah.

Let's do some momentous occasions when we come back in just a second. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Momentous occasions when we come back in just a second. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Okay, we ask you, the listening audience, to call in when something momentous happens to you for our segment, Momentous Occasions. The number to call if anything momentous happens to you, by the way,

206-984-4FUN. Unfortunately, we cannot play all of your calls, momentous though they may be, because we get too many calls around here. But we've selected a few this week that I thought were particularly interesting and distinctive, things we'd never heard before. This is one from King Grebo.

You know King Grebo, right? I don't know him. From the forum. King Grebo. I don't know him personally. Do you know King Grebo from the forum? I do. Okay. This is one that starts off as a run-of-the-mill momentous occasion, the kind of thing I wouldn't necessarily run. Does it take a startling turn? I felt a little bit bad because I thought, well, King Grebo contributes so much to the forum and to our community. Sure. As Max Funsters, I would hate to not play his call, but, you know, I thought, this is something we've done before.

Until the big twist. Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Robert, a.k.a. King Grebo. Momentification. I just had my first child. He. AKA King Grebo. Moment of vacation. I just had my first child. And I let him decide his own middle name in a Shogun Assassin style choose between the ball and the sword type thing

where he had to make a noise in a minute. But I feel very confident in the decision he made for his middle name, which is Fulton and not Favonius, which I really liked. But I like Fulton a and not Favonius, which I really liked. But I like Fulton a lot. Fulton will work. Number one, those aren't names.

Sure. So there's a lot of things going on here that I feel like... Maybe they're street names. They might be street names. Like, uh... Left on Fulton? Oh, the names of streets. Left on Favonius?

Oh, I thought you suggested they were like gangbanger names. No, like Huggy Bear. Like Huggy Bear, exactly. Juicer. Yeah, sure. Or, you know, Lil' Wheezy. Sure. And Favonius.

Say Favonius? Yeah. Fulronius. There you go. Fulton. Macaronius. Macaronius is what he should have namedius. There you go. Fulton. Macaronius. Macaronius is what he should have named the kid. Yeah, that's funny.

But you know what? He couldn't give him the middle name Macaronius. You know why? It's his first name. Oh, yeah. Macaronius Fulton Grebo. Yeah. So he gets the kid's name.

Congratulations to King King. Yeah, good job. Congratulations. Jordan, we should name a kid yeah i started to play the next call but then i had a brainstorm why someone should let us name their kid yeah if you're willing to let us probably should it doesn't have to be the first name yeah and we promise we'll pick a cool name this can be a you can be some sort of waldorf school family and give them two middle names. I have two middle names.

Do you? Yeah, absolutely. I didn't go to no Waldorf school. I'll tell you that much right now. Hey, no, no. I've never even had a Waldorf salad. How was that for a barb? It was good.

A barb worthy of scarlet. So we want to name something. Yeah. Let's name a pet let's start with a pet and build our way up to a baby's middle name okay so if you have a pet that we can name if you have a boat we can christen we're we'll pick i want to name a boat wouldn't that be cool we can go down to where the boat launches and smash a champagne bottle on it you know uh boat let us name a boat jenny from uh the boing boings yeah uh she got to name uh an airplane yeah that's cool we could name an airplane i mainly want to name a boat though can boats fly some boats can't fly some boats can fly uh peter pan boat yeah um okay so what do we let's we can we'll start with a pet we're willing

to start with a pet right yeah sure if you got a new pet we need a pet to name 206-9844-FUN we want you to tell us a little bit about this pet what it's like and maybe you know at the end of your message maybe leave your phone number in case we want to call you and get you on the air to talk talk talk through it with you you know what i'm saying a pet we'll name a pet then we'll work our way up to a baby then we'll move on to a boat preferably a warship yeah what about this a website what about uh what if we got to name like a like a carrier like an aircraft carrier that'd be good that would be nice that would be very nice what about this i already got one. Dear Mama. The aircraft carrier.

The USS Dear Mama. It's got a certain ring to it. I like that. It's an expression of your personal joie de vivre. You see what I'm saying? What's a... When someone says nom de guerre, what are they talking about? War name. Oh, war name.

Oh. War name. Yeah. Hmm. Doesn't sound like that's it. Maybe it is. I might be wrong. I believe that it's a war name.

Anyway. Like a samurai would pick his name. Yeah, that's French, though. I don't know. Anyways. No, I know. Sam Riser aren't French Jordan you're right they're Japanese like a Tom Skerritt type of situation oh yeah doesn't even make any sense not even a little bit it was not

even a point there was nothing though just saying something from earlier but the point is something from earlier that what we want to do is name something. So if you've got something we can name, 206-984-4FUN is the number to call. We'll name your softball team. Yeah. Fantasy football team. It's already too late to name somebody's fantasy football team. Yeah.

Fantasy hockey team, maybe. Yeah, it's not too late. That's not... Nobody plays fantasy hockey. It's fantasy everything. Is there? Yeah. It turns out my rep at PRI, the woman I talked to at Public Radio International, she's in a death pool.

She has her own death pool. Ooh, creepy. I know. Celebrity death pool, right? No. No, no, no, no. It's a pool in her backyard that she's added various piranhas and poisons to that she uses to kill people.

It's like that abattoir She's added various piranhas and poisons to it she uses to kill people. It's like that abattoir mansion in the Chicago World's Fair. Sure. Hi, Jesse and Jordan. This is Andy from Iowa. I just wanted to tell you that I just got married in Wahoo, Nebraska, the home office of David Letterman. And by just, I mean we're driving to the reception hall right now. Not like just in the foyer of the church, or

just on the way to the honeymoon. I was going to call you in the foyer of the church, but I didn't have time, because we had to start the receiving line. So, I guess this is my momentous occasion. Thanks, guys. He feels guilty that he called us on the way to the reception, and not right after the

ceremony. Well, pick it up next time, huh? Come on, get your act together next time, all right? You know what? I'm kind of offended that he feels guilty about that, because he really should feel guilty that he didn't call us during the ceremony. Yeah. Just to keep us appraised. Sure, just to ask us if we objected.

Exactly. Maybe we did. Maybe we have a reason. Nobody will know now. Now we have to forever keep our peace. Mm we did. Maybe we have a reason. Nobody will know now. Now we have to forever keep our peace. Mm-hmm. Hey, Jordan Jesse. This is Will from Chicago calling in about a momentous occasion.

I just experienced the Seinfeld Campus Tour, a large tour bus full of Seinfeld memorabilia, games, and pictures of Seinfeld memorabilia. games, and pictures of Seinfeld memorabilia. I don't know, Jordan. I feel like what I learned from listening to this gentleman's call, more than anything else, is that, number one, UC Santa Cruz was never the target of major campus tours. That's a great disappointment to me. I feel like I went to college for four

years i was never even experienced one campus tour i led campus tours no not campus tours jordan what campus tours not tours of a campus tours that go from campus to campus spreading the word about nextel oh hit me on your beep pager what that's the slogan of next tell oh you're talking about like when the slim jim party bus rolls up to the quad exactly yeah i feel like i never got that the closest we got was when that one hippie guy bought a school bus and then invited everyone to paint it with egg temperas yeah oh guy was selling pot brownies in the quad once yeah so that's something yeah one guy was handing out magic mushrooms in the quad once. Yeah, so that's something. One guy was handing out magic mushrooms because he just found a whole bunch of magic mushrooms that his roommate had left behind.

Yeah. I don't know. I just wanted a campus tour. Didn't you say MTV2 never brought Chiodos and Newfound Glory to the dining hall? Precisely. Why didn't we get any of that? Yeah. We didn't get get any of that? Yeah. We didn't get any. Not one Chiodos. And now here I am. I live in an urban center far away from influential college consumers.

Sure. The best I could hope for is maybe some kind of cool cigarettes tour. Yeah. You know, where they're passing out Newports or something. Just mentholated cigarettes is the best I could hope for. Yeah. You know, just something that they're trying to hook the poor on. Yeah. That the best I could hope for. Yeah. You know, just something that they're trying to hook the poor on. Yeah. That's all I can hope for, Jordan. That's the

best tour I can hope for. Maybe some sort of Haritos tour? Now, if there was a Haritos tour, that'd be a hell of a tour. That would be a hell of a tour. But the way I see it, they're probably touring various mansions and stuff. That's classy stuff. It is. That's a classy pop. I'm talking about Jamaica. Yeah. Watermelon. Guava. Mandarina. Tamarindo. Yellow. Exactly, Jordan. Exactly. Hey, Jordan and Jesse. I have a great occasion that just happened.

I was walking down the subway, and I'm on the stairs getting out of the train. That's an ambulance. Anyway, so I'm up the stairs, and there's two guys yelling at each other, and the one who's higher on the stairs kicks and misses the other guy and gets me right in the chest and knocks my Diet Coke out of my hand. And then I turn around because I'm astounded a stranger just kicked me in the chest and the other guy

has a knife. And they're both staring at each other. And I'm like in the middle of this and I just step to the side and finish walking up the stairs. And that was it. I wasn't even done with Diet Coke either. I'd like to have seen the two guys

when that happened, realize the error of their ways. And then hug? No, I would say just turn around and walk up the stairs as he was walking up the stairs. Yeah. No problem. No problem. Subway stairs, that's a dangerous place to be, Dwayne. Oh yeah, very

steep. The one time I was president for a shooting, it was on the stairs of the subway in San Francisco. Have we ever been around when there was a shooting? You know, surprisingly enough, on my block the other day, a bum had a gun drawn on some cops. Really? Yeah. On some cops? Mm-hmm. Wow.

That's serious. Yeah, it totally was. Was there a shootout? Were there any shots fired? No, no. No shots. Did you see it? I went... No, I saw the bum with his gun drawn and I just went back inside and then nothing happened. Oh, wow. Yeah. You saw the bum?

I did see the bum. I saw the gun, too. I didn't see the shooting happen because it was behind me and way off to the side. Mm-hmm. But when the gun goes off, there's this moment in your head where you're like, is that a gun shooting? You're like, that's not a gun shooting.

Yeah, it couldn't be a gun. And then you're like, oh, fuck. Because the only guns you've ever heard are in Star Wars. Yeah. You just expect the Star Wars noise. Well, there's this moment, like, when you're in the when you're in the when you're in the um and that then what really happens you expect the star wars noise so anytime someone uh hits a cable with a hammer you're like ah guns are being fired stormtroopers you it's so weird you're like

oh shit i should do this whatever you're supposed to do when a gun you're like uh i don't know what that is you're like uh get on the ground yeah then you feel like you should be crawling somewhere yeah i remember being on the ground there's guns there's shots being fired there was maybe like four or five shots fired total and you're like should i be crawling ricochet yeah and you're like am I presenting a big target on the ground? Yeah. Is that a problem? Should I ball myself up? Was the person shooting for someone in particular, or is he just shooting random people?

It was a drug deal gone bad. Somebody was running away from somebody and was running down the stairs into the subway station and got shot from behind running down the stairs. And, yeah, it's a weird, weird thing. And then, like, how long are you supposed to wait after the shots are done, and what are you supposed to do? Yeah. Because I was like,

well, are the cops going to want to talk to me? I don't have any special knowledge of the situation. Then you're like, should I count the shots? It's really weird. It is a really weird thing to be involved in i'm just glad you shot that bum jordan yeah man me too he was i don't know he just looked weird he had that kind of uh something the shakes yeah the shakes the bum shakes hit the

bum shakes and sometimes you got to take that down. You know what I mean? It's fine. Kick it out. It's fine. Slam it down. Grape drink. Do the do. Absolutely. Jarritos. Do the Jarritos.

A basket of fruit in every flavor. That's their new slogan. Is it? I'm pitching to them. That's good. I'm pitching to them. A basket of fruit in every flavor? Right.

So every flavor tastes like the same basket of fruit? So you're rendering the different flavors unimportant i mean depends on how you're saying your slogan's confusing depends on how much they run the commercial oh yeah because people might be able to still be able to distinguish between the flavors do you understand what i'm saying? There's a basket of fruit. There's a basket of fruit in every flavor. Yeah. So the idea is, it's to get across that it's kind of handcrafted.

Okay. Do you know what I mean? Like if you get a shaker chair. Yeah. You know, it's just really finely honed, just like a Jarritos. Sure. Have you ever seen, like, a hand-built furniture with, like, dovetail joints? You know, like a really nice joinery? I haven't seen that.

Have you seen this, like, in a drawer? It's got a nice joinery. No. You pull it out, and you say, Jarritos. Yeah. A basket of fruit in every flavor. I mean... Seems confusing.

I'm not... Do we have any more calls? No, we're done. That was... Okay. Okay, well, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. However, this is the opportunity to think about what we can name on your behalf. It doesn't matter what it is.

We'd rather have it be something that normally would be named. Right. I don't want you calling to tell us to name your cellular phone. Yeah. That's ridiculous. I don't want to name anybody's shit. We'll name your car if you're a girl and you're like a little flighty. Yeah, if you're like a 16-year-old girl, we'll name it.

Yeah, we'll name a 16-year-old girl as well. You've got a Roxy sticker on your car. If you have a Roxy sticker on your Volkswagen Jwagen jetta we will name it jordan yeah you've only just that description really only applies to 16 year old girls in mission viejo california oh yeah you've just yeah that might have been that might have been alienating to everyone else that's all the girls in my high school who would name their cars you know what one time i drove my cousin's car when she was 16 we were visiting washington dc um and our car broke down on the side of the road. Teresa and I were there for the summer. Our car broke down on the side of the road. We borrowed my cousin Lydia's car.

She drove a Jeep Cherokee, and she had lined the ceiling of the car with pictures of her and her friends. and her friends. I have no idea how she did that. Somehow she turned the interior of her Jeep Cherokee into a freshman year dorm room. I had an Operation Ivy sticker on the back of my high school car. Did you really?

Yeah, I did. I learned to drive when I was 20. Anyway, we'll be back. So you didn't have the opportunity to make any bad car decisions? No. Car decoration decisions? At one point,

I may have put a Tony, Tony, Tony bumper sticker on the back of a bus. I was just trying to think of stuff I liked when I was a teenager. I really like Tony, Tony, Tony. That's weird. No, it's not weird. A lot of people like Tony, Tony, Tony. They're from the Bay Area. Okay.

That would have been... Or Operation Ivy. That would have been like... So are Operation Ivy. That would have been that song they did with DJ Quick. In my black Chevrolet. Come on, let's get down.

Let's get down. Let's get down. Come on, let's get down. In my black Chevrolet. You know that one. I don't. The Tony, Tony, Tony song.

I don't know it. Come on, I'm the only one who's supposed to sing on the show. Okay, we'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jesse Gale. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective got some action items for you yes uh this is number one i want to make an announcement a nice lady called allison called us from san francisco uh to say how much she enjoyed the show it was one of these really heartfelt calls

that we get once in a while. Somebody calls in to say how much they enjoy the show and it's really touching. She said she was new in town or she didn't have a lot of friends right now

or she was feeling blue. She listened to the show and it gave her a smile a lot. Yeah. So to her and to other people who sometimes... Yeah, thanks.

I've definitely gotten a few of those calls and emails and stuff as well. It's really nice. Sometimes... it makes us feel not not completely stupid people call in with that kind of call and i feel bad because we're not going to play it on the air so then we can't really like we don't want to really want to spend a lot of time talking about that on there because it's weird but to to allison and other folks who have called in with that kind of message we really appreciate it's very's very nice of you to call and say that.

So that's thing number one. Thing number two. And if you wonder whether it's creepy to send us a message on MySpace about you enjoying the show, don't worry about it. It's not. Just stay away from my pets. Yeah, just do not fuck with Jordan's pets because Jordan has exotic pets. They're very expensive and they can get diseases. But thanks.

That's what we're saying. Number two, MaxFunCon is more than three quarters sold out. So people keep asking me about MaxFunCon and when it'll sell out because they're trying to save up money to get their tickets or whatever. The answer is soon. The answer is kind of soon. So if it's a really big, important priority to you to get a ticket, I would get it sooner rather than later.

And some people have asked me to make the deposit first and pay the balance in short order. That is okay under some circumstances. You can email me. But generally speaking, if you want to come to MaxFunCon, you should come soon. Yeah. That's number two. Action items on this week's program we're still taking presidential candidates i feel like we haven't nobody's hit

it out of the park yet yeah we haven't gotten the kind of candidate who puts together a really compelling candidacy uh someone who comes who has a fresh voice you know um just a shorthanded a harry anderson like figure sure um Nobody that's really going to pull a rabbit out of a hat, so to speak. So, presidential candidates. Also, we'd like to name something of yours.

Oh, who played Darlene on Roseanne? That should be her, right? Probably. Darlene, the woman who played Darlene? Yeah. Is that the one that

more than one person played Darlene? It's Becky. I don't want Becky for president. Becky, at least one of the Becky's on Scrubs now. Is Darl than one person played Darlene? It's Becky. I don't want Becky for president. Becky, at least one of the Beckys is on Scrubs now. Is Darlene the sister? Darlene is like the, she's always like the mopey kind of goth one.

Oh, what about the sister? What about the one who played Darlene's sister and she was on the Norm show? Oh, uh. Laurie Metcalf. Laurie Metcalf. No, yeah. What was Becky's name? Laurie.

No, what is Laurie Metcalf's name on Roseanne? Her name's the same no matter where she is. Yeah. She doesn't have certain names under certain circumstances. No, you're right. Okay. Her name's always Laurie Metcalf. Yeah.

Jordan, you... No, I don't think so. Not Laurie Metcalf. You're asking some weird stuff. First this thing about a basket of fruit in every flavor. Yeah. And then this? I don't understand what's going on with you, Jordan.

Quailudes. Are you? Oh, it's lewds. It's lewds. I didn't want to say out loud, is it lewds? No, I was going to say you should look that up. This is a long show. We need you to go into IMDB, find out who played Darlene on Roseanne.

A long show and maybe a little boring, too. Yeah. Maybe not our best show. That's good. We'll be back next time. It was a really good show. It was a really great show. Probably our best show ever. Hey, Jesse. Great show.

Thanks, Patrick Warburton. Great show, buddy. Patrick Warburton, can I talk to Jordan some more, please? Where'd you come from? Hold on, let me get him. Hey, Jesse, I'm back. Did you have a good time with my friend Patrick? You were on a first-name basis with Patrick Warburton, Jordan? Oh, yeah.

You invited him to come here on the show? Briefly, yes. Oh, wow, that was really amazing. Second action item, we want to name something. Yeah. We'll do a good job, too. We'll do a good job. We're not going to call something like butt head or something or butt face.

Butt butt. Yeah, butt butt. We might call something butt butt. May call it butt butt. It's possible we call it butt butt. Unlikely, I would say. Wouldn't you say that? Unlikely, we'll call it butt butt.

50-50. If you'd like us to name something, call in. Let us know what it is. And at the end of your call, make sure you give us your phone number in case we want to call you. We might or might not want to call you, but give us your phone number just in case for something we can name. And we're taking suggestions for all things that can have names. We don't want to name something just because you want to become famous by being on our show. It's not a good reason for you to call in and ask us to name your picture frame, your favorite picture frame.

Even if it's a digital picture frame that kind of shows different pictures. Those are good. That is a good kind of frame. So if it's a digital picture frame, a baby, a dog, a vessel of some kind, those are things we will name. Something really good like a digital picture frame. Yeah. Shows all the different pictures. Can you name a digital picture frame? Yeah, that would be spectacular. Think about it. 206-984-4FUN. Oh, and if you're in Seattle, remember that The Sound of Young America

is live in Seattle on Saturday. This Saturday? Yeah, this coming Saturday. Saturday, September 26th or 7th or something like that. Something like that. Got Dan Savage from the Savage Lovecast. That's great.

We have Pete Rothbart from Found Magazine. There's probably some sketch comedy groups from the sketch comedy festival that's there in town there. Great. Maybe the Birthday Boys in Los Angeles.

I don't know. I've got to drop them a line and ask them. I would do that. Yeah, I like those Birthday Boys. I like those Birthday Boys too. It's a fun group.

Nice guys. When you say it's a fun group, nice group of young men. Yeah. Young men trying to do something for themselves. Fellas are doing it for themselves. Mm-hmm. Haritos, a basket of fruit in every flavor.

Because it's a basket, Jordan. It's woven from reeds. Yeah. Okay, you're right. It's not confusing. 206-9844-FUN. Our theme music, you by the free design uh god this show's so long um we'll see you next time on jordan jesse go