Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 730: Dauber's Laying Pipe with Nick Adams

Episode Date: March 21, 2022

Nick "Repeat" Adams (Bojack Horseman, Blackish) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Tom Brady's lack of unfinished business, Nick's plan to retire to being a dad on a kid's sitcom, and the magic of Andy Serkis's mocap.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I've been thinking, Jordan, about unfinished business. Oh boy. You know the football quarterback Tom Brady? I do, yes. Have you heard of this football quarterback Tom Brady? I do, yes.

Have you heard of this guy, Tom Brady? I have. Yeah. I don't follow football. You would know him as the husband of Giselle Bündchen because you follow all the supermodels. I do. I'm a huge model head. The last time I ate out was at the Supermodel Cafe. What a coincidence. The last time I ate out was Kathy Ireland, if you know what I'm talking about. Oh, wow. Supermodel Kathy Ireland. I had a hall pass, I guess. I don't know.

I don't really know what the premise of that was. Oral-only hall pass. Yeah. You know Tom Brady, the football quarterback? Yes. He's 56 years old. That's a fun age. Yeah, it is. It's fun. Just got himself a Harley.

He retired from football the other day. Like a month or two ago, I don't know. He had been playing for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, which is every boy's dream, is to one day don the orange of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, get to live in Tampa, St. Pete, Clearwater maybe.

That's Central Florida, South Florida? It's Florida. And coastal Florida. it's florida and uh coastal florida and um so anyway he you know he used to be on the patriots he won a bunch of super bowls he's the greatest quarterback of all time he had a maga hat in his locker for a while yeah i guess i know him as being like a hero to the people of like um new england yeah sure sure and um yeah he's the jersey that a guy who flips you off wears okay and uh you know after like i said after after he finished with the patriots he went and he went as a 74 year old to the to the buccaneers um and won a super bowl for the people of

the part of florida that tampa is in, St. Petersburg, Clearwater, that area. It's not the area where Disney World is. That's a different area. So he announced his retirement because the more football you play, the more damaged your brain becomes until ultimately you die or murder someone. And it made a lot of sense. He had won over 7,000 Super Bowls, the most of anyone ever. And he's married to a supermodel who seems to be very indulgent of his choice of career and locker hat.

choice of career and locker hat. And he's got children, you know, children at home that he'd go play with and stuff. And it's been about a month or maybe two months. And he just announced that he is unretired. He's going to come back to the, there was some speculation. He's from San Mateo, California, some speculation he'd come back and play for the 49ers, his hometown childhood team.

But he's really dedicated to the people of the Clearwater, Tampa, St. Petersburg area. Miami is one area, and then another area is Disney World. This is the third area. Now, when you're talking about Disney World in Florida, does portion of Disneyland that's Avatar themed have its own football team? That's the one I would want to play for The Orlando Navi I mean, you know me, Jordan I'm fucking nuts for Avatar

I can't wait for the 17 sequels that he's making to the movie that was successful 23 years ago um despite being a really horrible a really horrible movie um that yeah just was awful one of the worst movies i've ever seen um i'm really pumped about those i shouldn't i shouldn't i shouldn't have even said avatar i'm sorry go keep to keep talking about the football thing where are you going with this i shouldn't have even said avatar well there's a reason there's a reason that tom brady came back to the nfl just imagine i said the the wolverine or something sorry yeah i didn't really like that one either oh boy okay uh 310 to yuma remake yeah 310 to yuma i love that that was great just watched that recently um the original or the remake the remake the remake yeah i thought it's good i thought it's

fucking great um on a real russell crowe kick we're watching master and commander right now also fucking rules absolutely rules so uh tom brady came back to the NFL and there's one reason that he came back to the NFL at 74 years old. Instead of going and spending time with his supermodel wife and his children, he donned the orange and whatever of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, the NFL's most storied franchise, because he has a unfinished business jordan wow what do you think the unfinished business is um well boy not knowing a lot about football i don't think it could possibly be football related because he's done all the football things right like he won 75 super bowls and then he proved that it wasn't just because he was with the patriots he went to the tampa bay buccaneers uh he won the super bowl with them he got he brought gronk back gronk came back for him gronk fun yeah uh by the way have you seen the gronk area the new gronk area of disney world tremendous yeah you tremendous

you can ride a lifelike gronk you can feel you can feel it breathing that's what they say so i don't think it could be oh sorry you i don't think it could be football related he's got too many of a thing yeah no i don't have a thing uh he's i'm i'm proposing as a premise, what is Tom Brady's unfinished business? Sure. I guess my guess would be, has someone murdered his father? Wow. No, that's Michael Jordan. I don't know.

And if someone had murdered his father, I would feel really bad, and I would tell Brian to cut this out. But hopefully Tom Brady's father is alive and well, and we can joke about him going on some sort of Kill Bill-esque rampage to... Again, that's Michael Jordan. Michael Jordan clearly had a lot of unfinished business. The murder, wanted to play professional baseball. Space Jam. Wanted to defeat the Monstars. Wanted to win an NBA championship with Tony Kukoc. He had a lot of unfinished business, Michael Jordan.

It was obvious why Michael Jordan came back. With Tom Brady, it's less clear. I mean, certainly a vengeance is possible. Vengeance. But we don't know who murdered who. Classic unfinished. possible. Vengeance. But we don't know who murdered who. Classic unfinished. Yeah. Classic unfinished business. Yeah.

Well, let's ask Nick, our guest on the program, a favorite guest on this show, a television- Repeat. Television comedy writer who apparently provides his own arena style intro. Got a whole sound board set up. adams hi nick what's up fellows how are we i know that you're a big basketball fan i don't know if you follow football um but certainly you know tom brady's a quarterback he's used to play for the uh what he's uh he throws the forward pass yeah what would you he's the first quarterback you've enjoyed since Johnny United. Y.A. Kittle?

Is that his name? Tittle. Tittle. All-time sports name. Y.A. Tittle. Nick, what would you guess is Tom Brady's unfinished business that's brought him back to the NFL? I think there are a handful of ex-athletes or athletes that come back.

I think there are guys that miss the competition. I think there are guys that see someone else and they go, I'm as good as that guy. Maybe I'm not as good as I used to be, but I'm definitely as good as this idiot running around. And to his credit, he is as good as that guy. He is as good as any guy who's ever played that position. And it pains me to say it because I loathe him and detest him.

But I don't think there's anything else in his brain. Do you know what I mean? I think that's exactly what it is. He's been a football man since, you know, 15 years old. And he hasn't developed anything else. You know, even when they asked him about the trump hat he didn't he couldn't even muster a defense of it it was just like words coming out of face hole with ball cap and then later he went to the biden white house and made fun of trump yeah i don't even know who

is this man i think he may have married giselle bunchin accidentally there's also like a if you if you ever watched uh the jessica simpson nick lachey reality show like you know before jessica simpson really was like fully in on the joke of her persona this was like her kind of figuring it out and there's a moment where you realize like oh nick lachey like didn't know what he was getting himself into like he had no idea like there are these scenes where she's like how do i figure out what movie's playing he's just like what what did you are you that you're that stupid and you could like watch him realize in real time he's like i'm nick lachey and i know that he seemed like a very

normal guy who just was realizing in real time that oh this is not like an act you're just really this vacuous and i feel like that's what Tom Brady is. It's just like, you know, whatever you think is on his face, that there's no deeper thought going on behind his eyes than at that moment. It's like being married to him is like being married to mathematician Paul Erdos.

The mathematician famous for not being able to do his own laundry because he didn't know how and he didn't know how to cook food. So he would go to other mathematicians' houses, stay there for a while, have them and their partners cook and wash him and just solve their math problems for them while he was there. Or as we call it in the comedy industry, committing to the bit. Yeah, exactly. Do you have any math you need done around the house? Just leave your math out on the porch and I'll do it for you. You know, go off, have a nice lunch.

I'll come back and I'll get rid of all the remainders. Yeah. That's nice. I feel like at some point. Pulling his weight. At some point, Tom Brady's legs will be broken forever or something. Like he'll get in whatever, like the football equivalent of a ski accident. No, he's going to live to like 112 and be like it's like it's

like people like him and kissinger man they're just never going the classic pairing you know henry kissinger sure and tom brady they're both war criminals of a sort and And again, I don't know. I don't know hardly anything about this man. But does he not have the potential to like go into, you know, like everybody loves Charles Barkley and Shaxx, like, you know, goofing around on stuff, you know, goofing around with the general or, you know, whatever, whatever those guys do, they goof around and they're great. And every time someone's like, hey, look at this thing Shaq did. I look at it. I'm like, ah, that's great.

Does Tom Brady have that in him? Does he have a space jam? Does he have a, you know, ad campaign? It's amazing how swagless he is you spent your life around cool rich black men and none of it rubbed off like not a bit of it rubbed off at all you could just picture him in the clubhouse going oh okay that's what he's got that's what he's got to offer for his teammates you guys want to talk about reading defenses because that's what i think peyton his contemporary peyton manning uh was just funny yeah funny and charming um like you know all

these quarterbacks are really look football is by far the most complicated and brain intensive of the popular american sports if you're an nfl quarterback you are intelligent in some way yeah you got to be you got to be some kind of weird genius to be a quarterback in the nfl uh but like and so so peyton manning was that but peyton manning charming funny and he was kind of a contemporary of tom Brady, only he retired 75 years ago. Somehow Tom Brady in his mid-50s is still the best quarterback, even though he can barely throw the ball 10 yards at this point, just through sheer force of football intellect. But I agree. I agree, Nick. It's possible that that is all all he is in the world if you see the picture of tom brady from the draft combine right like they're in like shorts and shirtless and so the scouts can see their muscle tone and how wide their shoulders are

whatever check their teeth their haunches yeah um they measure the width of their hands it's it is very slave a hundred it is so upsetting now jump high just jump up in the air let's see what you can three bales you jump three bales high what what did you say no i'm sorry sometimes i say bales when i i mean now just run around that cotton gin and come right back well this is this is an interesting this this i think poses an interesting question is if if if if if we at some point you know retired out of our fields yeah and had enough and money wasn't an issue right i mean not that it is you know retired out of our fields yeah and had enough and money wasn't an issue right i mean not that it is you know we're extraordinarily wealthy thanks to this program

sure but yeah if we you know if we shut it down you've got one of those priuses like the little one no you have compact for city for city driving i got i only 75,000 miles on the Volvo. Parks like a dream. Up in the hills. Yeah, if something happens, we're set for life. The time has come for us to hang up our tools, the tools of our trades. Right. The three tools of our trade. What do you do?

Do you go crazy? Do you go crazy? Do you go insane? Do you start painting little George W. Bush pictures? Does it sound fun? I don't think my wife would be crazy about it. I probably would do this to my wife. Just podcast at her face? You would podcast at her.

Yeah. I mean, what is the relationship? Finding someone to podcast we wouldn't know i think if i was tom brady i think just like rich and married to a supermodel i could just ride it out with that i'm pretty sure are you capable of relaxing nick because i'm not i i am i'm very i mean relaxing at that level is like you know oh yeah jesse's flying this guy in to teach a fly stone seminar you know you know what i mean like while he makes a dinner like sure i can relax at that level yeah absolutely

i would definitely give my uh my guest house to funk scholar ricky vincent no doubt about that if he could hang if he could just hang around like uh like oj's friends uh this year's recipient of the thorn prize goes to it's a it's your one year fellowship to hang out in my guest house and talk about sly stone with me it's a shit ton of money but you just have to hang out at jesse's house yeah some some there's some light math you're like driving his kids to school light math jordan do you feel like you could relax and uh what would you do if you retired from the comedy game yeah i mean i think i would still like doing doing creative things i think i'm not one of these like i'm not one of these i think okay and i think when people do this i think there's a little bit of posturing behind

it but i'm not one of those like writers who's like oh writing i have to write i hate it and the best part is when you're done. I'm like, no, it's fun. It's fun to write. Come up with stuff. Come up with that. I mean, do you not really not like it that much? I think there's a little bit of like artiste, you know.

Yeah, that's for novelists. If you're like writing bits for Fallon, save it. Sure. Yeah, exactly. But if you're writing a novel, sure. Complain about the process yeah if you're yeah anyway but but i'm i am not that i definitely like like coming up with stuff and certainly there's it's challenging and there's frustrating parts um but i like the the i like making stuff

up and writing and working with people so yeah i mean i think i would want to find something that was like you know i don't know you uh teach some yeah stitch a bitch teach some teach some kids teach some kids about uh uh you know uh what's the hump what's the what's the story hump you guys know the story you want to teach some kids the word denouement there you go rising i do have a retirement plan kind of i don't know if i've ever told you guys this right so i'm going to write comedy as long as i can write comedy right then i'll write dramedy uh-huh i'll write dramas yeah when i'm finally aged out of writing anybody's TV shows, I'm just going to go full on and audition for the dad on every Disney or Nickelodeon show. Oh, God. So I want to be the dad on That's So Raven or something because it's the sweetest gig in TV.

You're in like three scenes every episode. Maybe every now and then you get up. What's going on in here? Because it smells like fish kills just murders the whole i i wish the home listener could have seen nick's mugging yeah nick sold because when he said it smells like fish yeah that was a priceless take i can see that you know i know a guy yeah me too i know a guy. Yeah, me too. I know a guy. He was a dad at my kid's preschool.

And he was just a wonderful, wonderful man. His name is Satara Falcon. And Satara works in children's television sometimes. Sometimes he works as a behind-the-scenes person. And sometimes he works

as an actor. He's a working actor, but his affect is such that he's best suited as a performer for children's television and horror movies. And because he's just an expressive man. You know what I mean? He just is a person with a,

he's just got a lot of light for bushels. he's just got a lot a lot of light for for bushels um and i whenever he's working on a live action children's television show i just i just think how much fun that seems like it would be it's like uh it's what you want when you get into the entertainment industry which is essentially to be in a high school play but you're the star of it and everyone loves it um and uh yeah i mean i know exactly what you mean and you would want you really would want it to be a multi-camera situation so the workload's lighter um you're really only taping one day a week first two days you're waiting for the writers to give you the script um and and you do want to be a supporting cast member. You don't want the weight of this thing.

You want to be, I think, Andy Kindler, the great Andy Kindler, one of the funniest people in the history of the world. I think he was on the Wizards of Waverly Place for a while. Oh, yeah. And, like, what a dream for him to just walk into a scene, go, make like a Andy Kindler face and then leave. It is really amazing how many of the, like our hero comedians from the Largo scene are now doing that. Yeah. And fucking good for them.

Good for them. What a great job. Hey, do something fun. Fucking nail it. Yeah. Yeah. I,

when I was, I was, I have, I have auditioned in my life i've done i have done some auditioning i have not gotten a lot of things i was not very successful nor did i like it that much you've met fritz coleman we get it i have met fritz coleman and uh basically peace i'm like where do i go from yeah um that's the weatherman on nbc4 yeah i daniel day lewis after that um you went to italy to learn how to make

weather um and so so but i did audition for a few of these types of things and you know i'm like okay i understand this is like a little bit this is a bigger kind of stylized kind of acting and i've done sketch comedy and you've got a look jordan you're adorable you're sure you know all you gotta all you gotta do is is uh you know what you did on nbc with nbc for fritz coleman just go on screen and go dude and it sells. Yeah. The parts I was auditioning for were like adult service worker who's mad at the stars. Uh-huh. Yeah. Too rambunctious.

Too rambunctious. This says employees only. Yeah. So I'll give you an example of kind of how one of these auditions went. Nick, give me a line from a side to one of these things. Excuse me, did you order the salad? Okay. So here's my go into it energy.

Excuse me, did you order the salad? And then the casting director would be like bigger this is kids tv bigger and then like um excuse me did you order these salad bigger we need to see it bigger i'm we just we want to laugh we want to these children are still learning about denouement and rising action. It's the story hump. And then it's just to the point where I was just like screaming, did you order the salad? And then them just being so mad that I wasn't going big enough. You were playing, by the way, auditioning for a character named Sal Lad. Right.

Who wears a suit of Salad. Right on the name, bitch. Oh, my God. It's the worst. He's Sal's kid sidekick. Anyway, so I failed at that pretty miserably. I definitely wouldn't want to audition for things. I want to make that clear.

I'm offer only. I auditioned for my pal Charlie Todd invented improv everywhere, the thing where they go and do big things in public and mostly in New York, you know, that everybody gets on the subway train wearing underpants or, you know, the thing where everybody froze in Grand Central Station, that kind of thing. And he's a really sweet, bright guy, really good guy. He came to LA to do a network television pilot when Improv Everywhere was at its hottest. And it was huge scale. And he basically didn't know that many people in L.A. And he wanted to do it with people that he knew. So he just emailed me. He's like, Jesse, come out to the audition. It's a formality. You know, we'll put you in the show.

I just need some people I know to be in it, you know. And I don't know that many people in L.A. And I went to this audition. I felt like I was going to die the entire time. and I went to this audition, I felt like I was going to die the entire time. 100% of this audition, that was a mere formality because my friend told me I could be on his TV pilot.

I truly felt like death. I don't think, yeah, 100% offer only. 1,000% offer only. It's easily the worst part of the entertainment industry is auditioning. I've done standup comedy in front of no people. Like nobody came to the show. They were like, we're not canceling it.

You're just going to do your jokes into the void. Like auditioning is worse. Yeah. Did you, yeah. Did you ever do any of it, Nick? I know you. A little bit, a very little bit of it, but it's, it's when you walk into a room and you're like, oh, there's five better looking versions of me.

Okay, I get where this isn't going. These guys look kind of like me, but they're all taller, thinner, and like dressed better. Like, okay, we'll see how this goes. Yeah, I feel like even for like Jordan auditioning, I remember you telling me often, jordan about like auditioning for like goofy stoner type parts because you have curly hair um and like i feel like even the goofiest goof in all of show business that gets parts and things if you meet them in real life, they're like a nine. And you're like, fuck. Yeah. Fuck.

T.E. Ugly is just a good looking guy. Like a good looking guy or girl. When we moved here and we had been here maybe a couple of weeks or a couple of months and we were at the Beverly Center walking around and we saw Kim Wayans. If you remember in Living Color, she very often played like an ugly character. Like her character was supposed to be you know repulsive or someone that you wouldn't want hitting on you or whatever and she was like really hamming it up to make her character seem annoying and then you see her in person you're like wow that is a tall statuesque beautiful woman like with the model shoulders that only

like like tilda swinton and like runway models. But on TV, she just played this goofy, annoying. And it's crazy. It's insane. What kind of shoulders would you say you have, Nick? Someone once told me that a woman on the street on Sunset told me I look like the actor Malik Yoba, but with less broad shoulders. So I'm not Malik Yoba. You look like a narrow Yobla. Yeah. I was like, that's almost a compliment and you're like way older than me so i don't know how to take this yeah i was in an elevator with seth rogan

once and i got mad at how handsome he is he although he did he did get like he did this and i think jonah hill did this where they tried to get L.A. skinny. And it's like everyone in the world was just like, what are we doing? Yeah. That's not it. That's not it. That's not how you look. That's not your body.

We don't need that from you. You don't need that in your life. Just find a middle ground and be happy and healthy. Nick, do you miss stand-up and performing? I take it you don't you don't you haven't done it in a while i don't miss the and you guys knew this the 85 percent of what it is like around it those few minutes on stage for me was usually only a few minutes um but it was it's incredible and when you have a good night whether it's like in a actual comedy club or

in a small theater with like 15 people watching and it goes really well, there's nothing like it. I still, you know, I miss that. But, you know, I feel like between being in writers rooms and doing stuff like this and just, you know, being in a writer's room, which, you know, has been hard to not do for the past two years. and hard to not do for the past two years, you start to feel like, oh, I get like kind of the best part of standup, but I'm sitting here drinking, you know, soda and eating chips with these knuckleheads and, you know, there's no stakes. Someone brings you a really premium sandwich. Yeah. Just brings it straight to where you're sitting. Yeah.

I can talk to people who are lawyers, who are physicians, who are very successful in business without fail. And I can talk to people who are lawyers, who are physicians, who are very successful in business. Without fail, when you tell another adult that they just take care of your lunch every day and bring it right to you, their jaw just drops to the fucking floor. It's astonishing. I don't care if you're a Supreme Court justice or whatever. Free lunch every day. Yep, every day. And we still complain about it.

And we're like mad. You're expected to complain about it then it takes up too much time complaining is a part of the job that's what they expect yeah yeah i miss that and just just doing dumb bits and you know like it's the best thing dumb bits yeah i got to i got to write like one thing in a in a like professional context um which was when the sklar brothers had a tv pilot for their podcast for a tv version of their podcast a sports sports jokes daily show basically uh i got to be in it and i went in and wrote my bit with the sklars at the television office and the thing that i was by far most excited about,

and this is a job that our producer, Brian Fernandez, had for a while, was just that there was someone who wrote down things we thought of. Like the luxury of just walking around thinking of things while someone else writes it down. You feel like I felt like an absolute king during that time.

And then they brought me a fucking sandwich. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Let me get that part. Yeah. Okay, go ahead. It's incredible. When there's someone there doing that, you have to learn to do like,

you say something. Okay, don't write that for the room. Don't write that for the room. Yeah. I mean, Jordan, you know, because we've written a lot of things together like in general i really like sitting at the keyboard and typing things into the keyboard and like shaping things and stuff uh like like picking particular words like you think of three quarters of the jokes uh but i'm pretty good at thinking i'm pretty good at thinking of the right word for

something and i love doing that oh yeah i was just sitting here thinking of story hump i still don't know what that thing is that i was thinking of like i do like i do like the like i do like the feeling of like picking and shaping and those things but it's nothing compared to the idea that you could just do a bunch of painkillers and lie on your back david milch style while someone projects your thoughts onto the wall it's pretty great uh nick do you think that uh how how how in person do you think tv writing will be in the future do you think uh do you think it's all zoom all the time now? I think there are definitely going to be studios and shows where they try to just save money and keep it remote. I don't think there's anything like being in a room.

I mean, I honestly feel like it's better for the show overall. I've worked on shows during this period of time, and I think you can still do good work. But, like, I don't know. I want to be in the room and just say stupid shit and have someone go, no, wait, that could be something. And you're like, oh, really? I just said some dumb shit out loud. Yeah, make it better.

Please make it better. If you want to make television, you're going to need a featureless conference room in Burbank. That's just how it works. I have this rant about all these companies that get into the business of tv right like amazon did it apple did it and they all think they can reinvent the wheel because

they're like silicon valley smart guys and not just these burnouts and stoners and snorting the nose candy down in socal right like we got the algorithm while you guys were snorting nose candy we've been microdosing we're way way ahead of you and then they you remember when amazon did that thing where you had to like they put the pilots on the thing and then you had to watch the pilot and vote on the pilot and they said we'll make more of this and then if they don't choose yours you're all mad yeah you can choose the one from wit stillman or you can choose the one from doonesbury creator gary trudeau gotta give Whit Stillman a break. I know, for everybody. And then they all just figure out, no, you just

have to let a bunch of these knuckleheads be in a conference room all day and figure it out. And sometimes it fails horribly. It's not good. It's the same people making the shitty shows. It's making them really good ones. Also, no matter how rich and successful you are,

your office should be shitty. Yeah. The level of shittiness of the most successful, extraordinary, like you go to, like I went to Mel Brooks's office one time and it was shitty. Great memorabilia, but the fundamentals of the office, like no one has tried to upgrade the furniture nothing nothing it's like it is it's not even like the kind of auto parts store the kind of auto parts dealer that like has warehouses of auto parts it's like an auto parts dealer that just deals with the logistics of like of hiring people to move auto parts here and there you know like not nobody's getting their hands dirty it's just like three people in an office and like two outside sales reps yeah i think just everyone

everyone in tv has had that experience where you start something and then uh for a reason you don't quite understand you just have to leave the job the job is just over the show is not here anymore we were gonna do it now we're not gonna do it so yeah i think the kind of transient nature of it um makes you kind of not want to put anything on the wall i was working on a short-lived nbc sitcom called truth be told and they announced the coach reboot and so then the coach production offices set up like right across the suite from ours and you know correct you nelson's porsche would show up some mornings and then they just went away they just someone at cbs was like coach what do we know let's don't and it just was gone i don't

even think there was an announcement it just stopped do you think maybe Dauber fucked somebody's wife? Yeah, Dauber. Adeline. Dauber got canceled. Dauber just plowed his way through the executive base at CBS. Just indiscriminately. They see that bald spot and that blonde hair coming. I'll say this. If I could go back and tell teenage me or even college me, this is the job, okay? This is what the day in the life of a comedy writer looks like. I wish I would have dropped out of school so quickly and just like gotten on

a Greyhound bus to Hollywood and like pull out like a typewriter on the bus and start typing up spec scripts. Like see it in the interior, interior coach's house, coaching his wife are really going at it dauber is plowing his way through all the executives we have an interior cbs conference room this kid this kid he's daubers laying pipe he hasn't graduated he's a dropout but he's got this hard R Dauber spinoff. It's hilarious. I know.

I know. I didn't think it would work. Stallone is attached to play Dauber. Just get into it. The biggest advantage in life is these knuckleheads who worked on the Lampoon. And then it's not even the experience that they're getting or the connections. It's the fact that you can know this is all the job is. This is it.

You just hang out in a room and like story ideas and joke ideas. This is somebody else. Like you said, somebody else writes it down. You don't even have to write it down. The most writing you do is to write the spec script to try to get the job. And then you get the job and you're just talking all day. Like somebody else does the writing. It's incredible.

Yeah, man. If you're lucky, you get to meet Dauber. God. You guys are really lucky. You get to see that famous pipe. Oh,

man. This is incredible. It's always the dumbest guys with the, with the most incredible cranks. They had two. That's the name of your memoir. That's what's special about Coach, I think, is a lot of shows have one guy with an incredible crank who's dumb. Coach had two dumb guys, both had incredible cranks.

My favorite story about Jerry Van Dyke, and I don't know if this has been confirmed, but this is what I heard. He was offered the role of Gilligan in Gilligan's Island. This is Jerry Van Dyke of Coach of Fame. He was offered the role of Gilligan in Gilligan's Island. I'm a serious actor. This is ridiculous. Getting slapped by this guy's hat and they're stuck on. I'm not doing this.

Okay. Of course, Gilligan's Island, incredible success. there on a stuck on and i'm not doing this okay of course gilligan's island incredible success and i think the next year or the year after that jerry van dyke was the star of my mother the car about someone whose mom dies and is reincarnated as a fucking car when are we when is your shame on you i'm not gonna let the gravy train go by twice when is show business getting back to the absurdly high concept sitcom is the only form of comedy 100 we need a body swap hit yeah like we sure i know what you're saying we had homeboys from outer space but since then we weren't ready there was the geico caveman sitcom with nick kroll um but where where is the where is the my mom was reincarnated as it why aren't you pitching this

nick sure jordan get in these meetings call your manager get some meetings pitch something pitch something about three dogs i'm gonna walk into it i'm to walk into a meeting and just be like, inanimate object. And then thing that happens to that inanimate object. And then person who's responsible for it. And you just spin a wheel and it's like, dog, alien, nephew, go. Yeah. And one of the characters is played by Raven from That's So Raven. And you're the dad, Nick.

There we go. And her room's always smelling like fish. You just come in and you say, what are you doing? What are you doing, car? Oh, car. Let's take a quick break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la,

la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, In April, it's going to be a lot of fun. If you're not already a member of MaxFun, you can become one now. In the meantime, our thanks to all who have become members. You're the juice in our jelly jars. You know what I mean, Jordan? You got to have juice. You know that famous expression? You got to have juice or the jelly ain't jamming. You got it.

This podcast sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy. Jordan, you and I are both real therapy lovers. We love it. We like to kiss it. We want to marry it. Pretty much. It has not agreed to marry us yet, but we're still a-courting. Sure.

Yes. We're sitting on the porch having a lemonade. We're in a canoe with therapy classic there are there are lots of there are lots of ways to get therapy um i've done several of them uh one that's available to you no matter where you live or uh whether you have access to an in-person therapy or community clinic or whatever is BetterHelp, you can get an online therapist in under 48 hours through BetterHelp, which I think is a heck of a turnaround. You know what I mean?

Oh, yeah, absolutely. And, yeah, it's great that there's all kinds of options for people looking for therapy, and BetterHelp could be the right one for you. And yeah, we really hope that if you are out there considering therapy, maybe you're having a rough one. Maybe you just, you know, need somebody to talk about life's gunk with. Therapy is a really, really great way to invest in yourself. It'll make life better.

And yeah, and BetterHelp might be a way to get that. Give it a try. See why over 2 million people have used BetterHelp Online Therapy. This podcast sponsored by BetterHelp and Jordan Jesse Go listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash JJ Go.

That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash JJ Go. We're also brought to you this week by the good people at Magic Spoon, known the world over as the only breakfast cereal which my kid Frankie calls Magic Poon. The only breakfast cereal which my kid Frankie calls Magic Poon. I'm surprised that you say that so often, and yet they still sponsor the show. Good for them. You know, good for them. If they can't handle the truth. Good on them.

They don't listen. That's true. And you know what? We're closing deals because Magic Spoon is good. I like Magic Spoon. Yeah, Magic Spoon is good. I like Magic Spoon. Yeah, Magic Spoon is really, really tasty. We do late night records. Not that late.

We wrap around 10 p.m. And I very consistently go in the kitchen and grab a little Magic Spoon as a midnight snack. But you can have it for breakfast. You can have it for breakfast. You can have it for lunch. It's got zero grams of sugar, 140 calories, 13 to 14 grams of protein, and only four net grams of carbs in each serving. There's so many great flavors.

What do we got, Jesse? We got cocoa, fruity, frosted. Peanut butter. That's my jam. You know that. Blueberry, cinnamon, cookies and cream, maple waffle. It's all super, super tasty. I have not tried one flavor that I do not like. And if you want

a little deal, we can help you out. Go to magicspoon.com slash JJGo. He's over there at Magic Spoon. He gets a Magic Spoon that fell off the truck. See? Yeah. Go to magicspoon.com slash JJGo to grab a custom bundle of cereal and be sure to use our promo code JJ Go at checkout to save five dollars off your order.

And Magic Spoon is so confident in their product, it's backed with a 100 percent happiness guarantee. So if you don't like it for any reason, they'll refund your money. No questions asked. Remember, get your next delicious bowl of cereal at magicspoon.com slash JJ Go and use the code JJ Go to save five dollars off. Thank you, Magic Spoon, for sponsoring this episode. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. It's Jordan, Jesse go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio. Sweetheart, Jordan Morris, boy, detective, Nick, repeat Adams.

Nick, have you ever had this thing? We've been, this is in fact i'm announcing this is the end of inappropriate media calls and tom brady what a ride yeah what a ride it's been uh this is in this is in honor of me just giving up and letting my child watch whatever she wants um which has been going shockingly fine. If it's something that I really would be opposed to her watching, she consistently gets bored in the first 15 minutes and turns it off and wanders away.

But we've been talking about seeing inappropriate things, and you were telling us, Nick, during the break, that you were allowed to watch anything. Pretty much anything. There were certain things that, like, if the break that you were allowed to watch anything. Pretty much anything. There were certain things that, like, if we were watching a VHS with my mom and there was nudity, she would, like, sometimes make me cover my eyes. But then also I was watching She's Gotta Have It with my mother and my grandmother. And there's, like, a rape scene in that movie. Like, my mom was just, like, I think too shocked to move.

She was just like, okay, we're in it now. It's happening. But famously, I, I, we were kids and we went to go see the original Friday the 13th in theaters. And I was eight, I believe seven or eight. Wait, you went as a family? It was, I was staying. It's just a nice family Sunday afternoon. I was staying with, with my my relatives my cousins and their parents just

took us to the movies and there was also you have to understand like parents didn't know what the movie was like now you've seen the trailer you know that the people fell in love when they're making it and then they had to do reshoots and all you know all of this stuff back then we have common sense media at the time they just had a list of names of movies in a corner of the newspaper. And you're just like, you get there at 8 o'clock and you just see whatever you see. I don't think they knew maybe what it was. And I think that our parents were probably, or were at the time, probably unaware at how fucking crazy horror movies had gotten. Yeah, Slasher was just starting then, really.

Yeah, I think the horror movies of their childhood was like the blob the wolf man yeah the blob uh yeah so i think that you know and it's like that is something that a kid would see like you take your kids uh they throw their popcorn at dracula and that's exactly they didn't know that like someone was stabbing a knife through yeah they were they were making a blood fountain like they didn't know that someone was stabbing a knife through Kevin Bacon's throat, making a blood fountain. They didn't know that was happening. And then it was a metaphor for the gas crisis? Starting in the late 70s, horror movies were either genuinely horrifying, genuinely terrifying, or had piles of guts and spurts of blood and before that horror movies just had particularly intense chiaroscuro the interaction between light and dark in the composition of an image just some parts of the

screen were particularly dark and others were over lit to make things seem ominous that was what defined a horror movie until 1974 or whatever. But yeah, I think that's probably why our generation has a lot of these is that we, you know, they just heard that like The Exorcist was a scary movie. Also, some people had HBO at the time. And it was so thrilling if you even knew somebody that had HBO. Like I didn't have cable. My television didn't even have knobs. But if you knew somebody that had HBO, you would watch anything that was on HBO.

And you felt like you were cheating the fucking system. You're like, look, I may be watching Last Action Hero hero but i didn't pay seven dollars to get into a movie theater to see it so also you also you didn't just watch the last action hero one time either no oh sunday at 4 30 oh look what's on the old hbo yeah toys again sure why not third of toys my uh my best buddy uh one of my one of my best buddies uh when i was like elementary school in middle school age uh jody jody's mom was english and so they had this like not only did they have cable they they had a satellite dish, like a real satellite dish, not like a direct TV. Yeah, like the kind that they have to find out if aliens are sending us messages in Hawaii. Like a 40-mile-wide depression in the earth surrounded by jungle they had.

So that Jodi could watch Danger Mouse and Jody's mom could watch EastEnders. The amount of emotional energy being poured into watching the English soap opera, long-running English soap opera, EastEnders, was extraordinary. And I would go to their house

and I'd just watch it. I'd be like, what the fuck is this? Like, what the fuck is this? But I was so tired of like trying to turn you know there's the there's the straight line knob and then outside of the straight line knob there's the roundy like there's the click click click knob and then there's the roundy and i'd be so tired of trying to get Channel 44 so that I could watch, I don't know, Star Trek The Next Generation or like whatever the fuck, like a rerun of, you know, Cheers.

Not even Cheers. Night Court. You know, by turning that little thing. Get some wings going. Yeah, like. Gotta get some wings going. They'd have a. They had a. Get some wings going. Yeah. Like, gotta get some wings going. They'd have a, they had a,

gotta get my Weber soccer game coming straight into their house from space. And I'll be like, yeah, I'll watch a fucking soccer game. They just kick it back and forth in the middle. It's two things. I think letting your kid kind of watch what they want to watch is great. I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing if I didn't just see shit that I should,

shouldn't have seen like 10 years ahead of schedule or whatever but also there was something incredible to like this is what i can get and i'm just gonna like make myself watch it like i didn't no one explained to me what doctor who was no i didn't have any context i was like is this am i is this serious it's not camp but it's also not like serious you know what i mean like i didn't and it was just on pbs where i grew up and i would just try every like every couple of like months i would be like let me just watch this dr who's and nope i don't get it i don't but you had to try because there was no other option. If you're not going to watch this, you're not watching anything. Some people resent MASH, I think, in our generation because it's not that funny, but was the most successful television sitcom of all time. And as an eight-year-old or whatever, MASH is on the television because my dad put MASH on it because MASH ran from six to seven or whatever you know mash is on the television uh because my dad put mash on it because mash ran

from six to seven or whatever uh like i would sit there and i would watch mash and i would make myself enjoy hot lips hooligan you know what i mean like let's go i i get it i will get it just white knuckling my way through enjoying mashASH. And it worked. I still have fond memories about MASH. I remember watching Saturday Night Live, and I believe it was a Tim Kazerinsky bit. He mentions Spiro Agnew and kickbacks. And I just remember going, that's politics. I don't know who, I don't get it it But I'm pretty sure that's politics I'm so mad at Spiro Agnew You're like oh that fucking teapot dome Oh I hate it Oh Chippy Canoe and Tyler too

Letterman just said Boutros Boutros Oh yeah and you just like were killing it Norman Schwarzkopf Those are pure comedy names The writers made those names up Clearly there's 100% Stormin' Norman

How could that possibly be a real man's name? Mary Jo Buttafuqua Adults, these aren't real adults Brian, we have a call here I really, gosh There's just such a huge place in my heart for just david letterman instead of doing jokes just repeating names that he enjoyed and words he liked i i i once submitted for conan o'brien right you guys know what this is like if you you know like yeah uh now and then, if you're a comedy

writer, you get the word. The bat signal goes out. The Daily Show, Conan, they're looking for writers. Do you want to do a packet? It's a lot of work. I don't necessarily... This isn't my dream job, but I... Fuck yeah. I gotta try, right? Yeah, they're like,

you have to write 25 monologue jokes in one sketch and one topical thing and one character thing whatever whatever whatever so you basically got to do a a week's worth of of work yeah on the show to apply for the show so i was like i know kona doesn't really do audience games but it's a sorry it's a talk show thing so i came up with this audience game it's my favorite thing that i've ever written it's never ever going to be on tv in any capacity but it's just an episode of blackish i gotta hurry because they just wrapped um still time yeah uh the game is very simply nba basketball player or democratically elected foreign leader whose power was usurped during a u.s backed coup

this is this is like to you like just as larry sanders was the essence of gary shandling his emotional trials and tribulations decades of his relationship to himself and to the entertainment industry, to relationships with other professionals, so on and so forth. Just a fundamental expression of his identity. He'd gone through these sort of genre experiments to get there. He'd done It's Gary Shandling's show. He'd hosted The Tonight Show. He decided he wanted to do something about his core emotional truth. to get there he'd done it's gary shandling's show he'd hosted the tonight show he decided he wanted to do something about his core emotional truth that's you with nba player

or foreign leader usurped by american interference the names line up so perfectly though eduardo nahara eduardo basketball player that's how you find out how many guatemalan presidents were named jay ru boonchay boonchay boonchay boonchayay boom jay as an nba basketball player i remember gotta remember you get it kalena as a bookie come on it's too it's too great it's too great it's too bad conan o'brien never liked interacting with other human beings he's one of the greatest love him so much conan o'brien great genius human beings he's one of the greatest love him so much conan o'brien great genius fucking the greatest we can't beat conan o'brien wedding photographer just a little oh that's fun god well hey uh now that brian let's play the final instance of inappropriate media Hey Jordan, hey Jesse, hey Go and special guest.

I'm calling in about your segment, inappropriate things that you watched with your grandmother. So when I was a child and by child, I mean when I was 14 years old, I went and saw Titanic with my grandmother. She was the only person to see Titanic with. And she was a lovely short woman, but she was the only person to see titanic with and she was a lovely um short woman but she was very bubbly and can you pause it for a second brian i just want to

clarify something here that's not a butt short people can be wonderful being wonderful is not dependent on your height it's normal for short. It is as normal for short people to be bubbly and wonderful as any other height of person. He wanted you to know that he didn't have one of those tiny, weaselly, creepy grandmothers. You know. Sneaky. Sneaky shorties. You're too thin. You're skin and bones. like you know i got a i got a therapist who uh like

a year into zoom therapy told me she was super short like she's really short fucking exploded my brain but it's proof delightful people can be very short who knows maybe tall people can be delightful too like really tall people like bowl bowl that's an nba player by the way free ball or is he a democratically elected or leader whose power was usurped during the respect i think minute bowl was a was a democratically elected leader wasn't he for a while while after he was like the secretary of sport in Sudan or something? I think that's true. Manu Bowe rumored to have invented

the phrase, my bad. True story. That's thrilling. That and Dusty Baker inventing high fives is all we really need to know about. Go ahead, Brian. And Glenn Burke, gay baseball player, Glenn Burkeke go ahead brian and during the nude drawing scenes uh my uh my 67 year old grandmother reached across

and covered my 14 year old eyes so that's my story about inappropriate things that occurred when i was all that that whole story brian you just picked a story about anti-short bigotry it's the only reason to make that is to highlight do you are you yeah brian stop trying to slip your agenda into the show brian you're not even that tall you're like tall-ish but you're not like it's not like you're six six brian where do you get off i guess it's the narcissism of small differences. Have you ever had the thought, Nick, while you're watching an NBA basketball game since you enjoy it? I've been watching a lot.

I bought the NBA streaming thing so I could watch Warriors games with my son. And I gave him my $100 or whatever. And, you know, I gave them my $100 or whatever. And when I'm watching a basketball game, occasionally I just have the really intense revelation that the smallest guy is bigger than me. Yeah. That, like, these guys who look like a 5'8", like, sneaky fast guy that you know,

like a guy that can, like, do moves because they're so i mean i was specifically jordan talking about our friend jim real um like a small fast guy that is really agile and can jump around and is like surprisingly muscly that you know yeah they're like they're very sprightly you think it's that guy but actually that guy is six seven yeah yeah it's that guy, but actually that guy is 6'7". Yeah, yeah. I always tell people, go out on the street and find five guys over 6'3 or 6'4 that can walk and chew gum at the same time. I'm not talking about doing drills or just actually walking and chewing gum at the same time without falling over their feet. It's impossible like i think i think nba basketball is the greatest evidence we have that if we focus enough and we spend enough money and enough attention and enough cultural capital you can get anyone to do anything because these six foot eleven people are born to

trip like they're born to be uncomfortable, bang their knees on things. I know because I do these things all the time and I'm only like 6'3", 6'4". So these 6'11 guys are just – like their natural state is accidentally walking into something. Yeah. Yeah. And we have taught them to basically like through the just the sheer force of noticing when they're six years old that they're going to be 6'10". We have basically taught them to be like George Balanchine. Like they're Jim Thorpe because of the force of humankind's power. The Chinese government does it right like they identify

your toddler and they're like yo he's he's a gymnast stop playing games with us we see it we're gonna take him and go let him he doesn't need to learn to read he's never reading anything ever we're just gonna start him flipping now and he's gonna keep flipping until he gets to the olympics like what do we what are we doing You're just kids. That's the Chinese government's motto is get to flipping. Get to flipping. Pau Gasol was like in medical school. They were just like, what are you doing? Yeah.

You're taking a spot from someone else. Yeah. Someone of typical size. Yeah. You can't even fit into, we don't have scrubs this big. We'll give you a millionaire job we'll just give it to you in the in the nfl there's this thing where you can have like one guy on your roster that comes from a foreign country uh that that is not like a football country like just just one extra guy and so just every nfl team

just has like one enormous samoan guy or whatever or like one pacific islander guy from new zealand that was like the fastest rugby player in all of rugby or something and like their job is just like there's a guy who worked for that team who just traveled the world looking for the biggest fast guy he could find yeah and then like two years later that guy can play in the nfl because they just use computers to reprogram his brain and muscles no you hit the two nails on the head though like is he big yes is he fast nope sorry is he fast yes is he big? Yes. Is he fast? Nope. Sorry. Is he fast? Yes.

Is he big? Sorry. Is he big? Yes. Is he fast? He's really fast. Holy shit. This is the job for him.

If you're 325 pounds and you're able to grow muscles, they can teach you to do that swimmy thing with your hands and then you're an NFL lineman. Right. If you can do the swimmy thing with your hands well enough, that's how it – okay. When something momentous happens to you, 206-984-4FUN is the number to call or jjgoeatmaximumfun.org. Here's an example of one person who did that. By the way, jjgoeatmaximumfun.org. Just send us a voice memo. It sounds nice. The little microphone inside your phone is really good these days.

JJ, go at MaximumFun.org. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, Sunny D, and guests. I'm going to say Ron Funches. This is Ren in Boise with a momentous occasion. I was just in traffic at a red light and I watched as this squirrel came running up to my car. It dipped underneath my car. Uh, I didn't see it come out. I didn't want to run over it, but, um, I looked in my mirror at the guy behind me and he was watching it all happen. He put his head out the window and was like screaming at the squirrel, trying to get

it to move. Uh, the light turned, and he blared on his horn. The squirrel ran away, and as I was driving away, I looked back at him one more time, and he had his whole head out the window. He was yelling at the squirrel and wagging his finger at it, I guess chiding it. So, yeah, I just wanted to say, if that guy's listening, thank you for saving a life, and, yeah, shouts out to you. Thanks, guys. Love the show. What's better?

If this guy was yelling words at the squirrel or if this guy was just yelling a noise. Right. Because you know the squirrel. Yeah. It's like the squirrel will maybe understand your tone. Maybe. I mean, if the squirrel is a chihuahua that's lived in a house for a long time. Or if you're a nut, like a tree nut of some kind.

But what is better if you're like, there's a squirrel that doesn't speak English. He doesn't speak any human language, honestly. Or even one of the space languages from Star Wars or Star Trek. Is this like an urban squirrel, though? Is this like a park squirrel that's around people languages from star wars like an urban squirrel though is this like a park squirrel that's around people a lot wow an urban squirrel huh who's racist now nick like you know you're in the park you okay you kind of get a sense of what people yeah you know a little more so you're a little more socialized than a deep forest squirrel if he's yelling like get out of the way squirrel get out yelling like, get out of the way, squirrel!

Get out of the way! Get out of the way! It's weird because the squirrel doesn't know what the words he's saying are. Also, he's tiny and can't hear anything over the tremendous roar of two automobile engines. You know, Nick, can I say... Inches from his squirrel ears.

Tiny squirrels can hear just as well as big tall squirrels right i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry nice so what times are changing i'm trying either you're doing that either you're yelling words you're learning and growing either you're yelling words that an animal that's not domesticated doesn't understand the tone i disagree that the squirrel understands our tone or what if you're just going, you're just making a noise. Yeah. Which is better. I don't know.

I always subscribe whenever this happens to you in an urban setting with like a bird or a squirrel. Or a suburban or ex-urban setting, Nick. You're in your GMC Denali and there's like a tiny, one of those tiny grandmas that you can't see. Yeah, exactly. Oh boy, oh boy. Just eyes ahead. Don't, like, maybe you hit the squirrel.

Just keep it, you know what? You can't fix it. You can't. What is there to learn? What are we going to earn, get from that? Like, just, you want to see the squirrel that you hit in your rearview mirror? No, just focus on the road. You believe that whether or not you hit the squirrel is faded you believe it's been written upon the tablet by god and so you might as well just you might as well just lock your eyes so

you don't notice yeah you don't want to take that memory home to your family come on do you feel the same way about grandmas how how do we have agency is your idea of human agency that we have agency over whether we hit a grandma but we don't have agency over whether we hit a squirrel and god draws the line somewhere around maybe like uh gave us dominion over animals. Yeah. But not grandmas. As your grandma shrank. The Lord did give us dominion over grandmas. If they be small, said he, and they don't be bubbly. As they shrink, natural selection takes over.

And if you're Yukon Denali, or I don't know the names of any trucks it's not even the trucks it's that they jack them up like you know they jack these trucks up but if you know a grandma or two gets caught under the wheel well the spokes or whatever there's one time when i was a kid maybe i was 10 i got hit by a grandma that went to my church her car hit me do you think that was a like that new batman movie where it's like vengeance that's your origin story vengeance that's what that grandma was saying vengeance upon this this child from my church she didn't hit me that hard it was like at a stoplight she did you but did you murder her family in Crime Alley? Well, duh.

I mean, she's so fucking little. That's what God told me to do. God, well, he didn't tell me, but he gave me permission. It's in the fucking Bible, Jordan. Oh, man, you're so twisted, Joker. You wouldn't believe how dim the light is in here right now. So twisted. You know what? You just love chaos.

You just want to watch it burn. Jordan, a lot of people think I'm for kids, but I'm fucking dark and twisted, okay? Yeah, pretty twisted. I am dark and twisted. I'm not for kids. I don't have to be for kids. Sure, there's- For babies.

There's people out there for little kids with fucking bright colors and goofy shit happening. I'm dark and twisted. My lighting is very dim my color palette is limited with my butler that's what you think when you think of like a tough guy going through it bring me a sandwich bring bring me a sandwich gollum from lord of the rings when's the when's the cable guy coming i thought it was 10 to 12 i've already i have bodies oh gee whiz they got uh these bad men serious these are dude in a bat costume these batman butlers they have

is a real interesting group of because i think americans just think all english people are the same you know like there's just one kind of person it's english or not english well we know fancy english and then like a governor like you know cockney we got those two well like for a while, it seemed like they made Batman's butler Edgar. They made him fancy. Like butlers are supposed to be, right? Like they made him be like, Who do you care for a cucumber sandwich, Batman? I'm a funny old man with gloves.

Special gloves. Perhaps you need some protein from all the vigilantism and then they and then they were like well what if we what if we had the butler be the guy from get carter right let's make the butler like a a fucking a dirty shotgun carrying guy, Michael Caine. And then they were like, you know what? Fucking Gollum. Let's make it Gollum. Just full on Gollum is Batman's friend now.

Is he in the new one? It's that guy? Yeah, it's that guy. He's not doing motion capture though, right? I think they would know know but he has the dots on i think they just decided not to animate him just he's getting he's putting on his suit and they start putting a dot no but why are we doing the dot well i'm ready i'm ready for acting this is what acting is no no no no i think i think why the reason andy circus is so good at

those motion capture roles and not a lot of people know this, is that he was born with those balls. Oh, really? Yeah. So that's why he's the great genius of motion capture. They don't have to put them on with the glue. Yeah, it's also a big time saver. Can I ask you, are they a type of testicle on Andy Serkis? Are they like a tiny green? He has 17 extra testicles play you have it along his body

jordan you know andy circus but you've never asked him that question it seems like an obvious question i would never ask him if they're tested you could the two of you are having lunch at spago okay people so many other things to talk about bruce willis is coming over say oh gollum i love your motion capture i love your dots right not even like i feel like bruce would ask like bruce would come over yeah he's you know he's that's that's his i'm i'm not though and i and i don't want him i don't want andy to think that i'm hanging out with him for any reason other than that i like his company you know even though he knows how much you love balls. It's like Vietnam.

You can't say Nam unless you were there. You can't say mocap. You have to say motion capture. Right. Exactly. But you have an incredible passion, Jordan, for testicles, like especially little tiny ones. And it feels like if Andy knew that,

you would have to clear the whole thing up. You'd have to clear the air just so that it wouldn't be weird when the two of you hung out. Like, I know you'd think it would be weird to ask, but given that he knows, like, if you see somebody with really nice hangers walking down the street, you're say something to circus so any circus if you don't it's rude honestly if you don't acknowledge it yeah any circus knows your passions i mean he knows your heart he knows you're a good man with a genuine magic for testicles especially little white or green ones yeah i mean which again are placed in evenly spaced intervals in space all on andy's track so you can track his move normally jordan to see the green for jordan to see the green testicles normally he has to search the internet for gangrenous balls.

Yeah, I mean, I think if Andy wants to talk to me about his medical history, he's welcome to. I'm his friend. I'm not going to push the issue because in this case, I do neglect the balls. Wow. Wow. I do. Well done. 206-984. That's the only situation where you do neglect the ball.

206-984. I'm glad we abandoned that sincere talk about our craft and got into this bullshit. It took a while, but we got to the balls. It took us a while. 206-984-4FUN or JJGO at MaximumFun.org. Maximum Fun is a network by and for cool, popular people. But did you know it also has an offering designed to appeal to nerds? A show for nerds?

On Maximum Fun? The devil, you say? It's true. It's called The Greatest Generation, and they review episodes of a television program for nerds called Star Trek. They've reviewed TNG, DS9, and are now reviewing Voyager. Hey,

Star Trek. My daughter enjoys that program. Well, if she enjoys that, and she enjoys humor of the flatulent variety, might I recommend she subscribe to The Greatest Generation? Hey, are you calling my kid a nerd? The way I ought to. Well, gotta go. Become a friend of DeSoto by subscribing to The Greatest Generation on MaximumFun.org today. Hi, I'm Jesse Thorne, the founder of Maximum Fun la, la, la, la. Hi, I'm Jesse Thorne, the founder of Maximum Fun, and I have a special announcement.

I'm no longer embarrassed by my brother, my brother, and me. You know, for years, each new episode of this supposed advice show was a fresh insult, a depraved jumble of erection jokes, ghost humor, and frankly, this is for the best, very little actionable advice. But now as they enter their twilight years, I'm as surprised as anyone to admit that it's gotten kind of good. Justin, Travis, and Griffin's witticisms are more refined, like a humor column in a fancy magazine. And they hardly ever say bazinga anymore. So, after you've completely finished listening to every single one of all of our other shows, why not join the McElroy Brothers every week for My Brother, My Brother and Me? It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Nick, repeat Adams. Now, Nick, I know you've worked on all kinds of television shows. And, you know, some of them haven't been successful. A lot of the successful ones were primarily successful because of you promoting them here on Jordan, Jesse Goh. Sure, sure. ones were primarily successful because of you promoting them here on jordan jesse go sure sure um is there any are there any shows that you've been working on lately that we can save uh or shoot into the stratosphere no i'm i've been working a lot of animation which means

uh you work on something and then it just comes out like six years later and nobody tells you and it's just on um so and i've been developing a lot which is code word for work that you don't get paid for in hollywood um but you know what i love so much about development um you know it's and again it's it's either unpaid or it's low paid but it's just such a nice excuse to get together with some nice executives every week and have them say grounded at you. I love to be told that something needs to be grounded, no matter what it is. Just having someone say grounded at me. It's where I thrive.

Just make it personal. Can I make a suggestion? Just make it personal. Just on the first page where you have your dramatis personae i know that all all pitches and development projects start with a dramatis personae i know that's how they sold entourage yeah they just had that right just right just next to one of the characters just write torturo it's fucking grounded now it's grounded grounded you're gonna have to set it in new york but besides that you know unless it's like about bears in Yosemite or whatever

You can set it in New York Brayden Totoro He's Nicholas Totoro's nephew They're from Oxnard He's outstanding Just get somebody from the Nard, Jordan That'll ground it But he still has that New York flavor

I'm from Oxnard over here oh i'm trying to walk i'm walking in oxnard i went to i went to middle school with mad lib trying to get some famous oxnard soup well nick we're always in oxnard oxnard soup is a famous thing in oxnard kid on blackish wait hold on shut up nick i want to hear about this oxnard soup i'm there's no oxnard god damn it jordan why would you wanted to say something funny why would you trick me like that having fun doing the voice so i thought i'd say oxnard well there's that whole part of part of California where they eat Basque food, but it's not Basque. It's just endemic only to San Bernardino and whatever.

This is your opportunity, Jesse, to just come up with some sort of bullshit gumbo or whatever that you make up and just call it Oxnard soup. Yeah, there you go. You know what? I had a lot of bok choy that might go bad, and I had some leftover chicken, so I made just a very simple soup with a bunch of bok choy and a bunch of chicken leftover. It was fucking great. So that's the new Oxnard soup. It needs one kind of wacky ingredient. Like you got to throw some sort of random pepper that Mexicans don't eat for a good reason.

Right. And then some chef discovers it and gets really... What about one hot wheel? Drop a hot wheel in there. Boom, Oxnard soup. Our producer is Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. Valerie Moffitt on the stream this week. Look, if you're

on the West Coast, you want to stay up late on a sunday evening we've been streaming on the max fun youtube channel go uh subscribe to that only live you can't watch it afterwards you can only listen to it afterwards like you're doing right now but it's fun it's nice to check in on how we're doing talk to kids dr dave you know about kids dr dave he checks in with me and says you guys streaming tonight yeah yeah Dave we're streaming tonight I don't know who that is he's a pediatrician in

maybe Indianapolis something like that fun yeah it's very fun I don't like the idea of pediatricians up late at night you gotta go to bed I don't know why I won't defend this position pediatricians go to sleep I'll be doing my kids heart transplant if you're groggy oh god I don't know why I won't defend this position. Pediatricians go to sleep.

I'll be doing my kid's heart transplant if you're groggy. Oh, God. I was watching the Nets Clippers last night. Ew. Yeah. Anyway, let me get that little hammer that you bang on kids' knees. Yeah. Do you think he's going to make a mistake with the little hammer?

Bang on their balls accidentally. Yeah, sure. Bang up their nose. That could go into the brain. Until they're 16. Then they'll never get any mocap work. You weren't there, man. Our theme music is love you.

You weren't in the shit. Love you by the free design making lord of the rings love you by the free design courtesy of the free design and light in the attic records our thanks you weren't there when tim burton was remaking alice in wonderland we had to do that smile from scratch man you think deb did that smile it was all us very grateful very grateful to them for sharing that music with us uh we're on twitter at jesse thorn and at jordan underscore morris we're on instagram at jordan david morris and at put.this.on uh we're on reddit maximumfun.reddit.com you know who bits on that reddit kids dr d. It's not just Woffreaper anymore.

Here comes Kids Dr. Dave. Start chatting it up. That guy's on Reddit 2, 3, 4 o'clock in the morning. The next day, he's got that little tiny hammer, and you never know what he's going to bang. He's like a podiatrist. It's fine. He's like a kid's podiatrist. For children's bunions.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Ethan's got flat feet. Here's some orth's got flat feet here's some orthodontics yeah some orthodontics orthodontics no he gives out orthodontics why not he was up till four o'clock in the morning posting on dragons fucking cars.reddit.com racist footwork i got you covered cover he was on the boz skag sub talking about the lido shuffle uh okay uh blah blah blah blah bullshit bullshit bullshit thanks for listening to jordan jesse go goodbye i'll hug you and kiss you and love you love you love you love you