Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 731: Pope Chant with Cameron Esposito

Episode Date: March 28, 2022

Cameron Esposito (Save Yourself book) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of the last-minute Pope costume Cameron had made for her book cover photoshoot, the queer church Cameron went to at Christmas, and how Cameron's family went to see Michael Jordan play baseball during spring training. Plus, Jesse gives everyone a quiz about baseball player names.GET CAMERON'S BOOK, SAVE YOURSELF!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Well, well, well. If it isn't my good friend Jesse Thorne, father of three and owner of the maximum fun podcasting company we've sure known each other a long time since college and we're still doing this show today how are you old sport my concern here and i'm gonna cut to the quick if you don't mind my concern here is that this is like an alien nation situation some kind of listen i'm not some kind of otherworldly creature person okay here's just what i was you're not a pod person who's who's read our wikipedia pages here's what i was thinking

so we got a great we got a great guest this week. Probably some new people tuning in for the first time sample in the show. Maybe they see a tweet or something like that. I just want to lay the foundation. It's like it's like how in a movie where someone's like, well, well, well, little sis, like you never you would never. No one has ever acted like that. It's the most bizarre way to act. But it's it's it tells you everything you need to know. And I just wanted to do that for the new listeners so that they have a good, solid footing.

I interviewed the other day the hilarious Claudio Doherty because she is in a new television show with Craig Robinson from the office, et cetera. And all commercials. And all commercials, because why wouldn't you? Um, if you want somebody to nail a take, you're going to want to go to Craig Robinson. Uh,

if you've got five seconds to make something funny, just to have him look into the camera seriously. You know, based on a Craig Robinson commercial, I tried Gain. Gain's great. There you go. I sniffed my own shirt. I got a whiff of Gain. Good thank

you, Craig. I don't think I'll try Pizza Hut. I'm good with Gain. The Gain we i'm good i watched their the gain oof i watched their the pilot the first episode a rough cut of the pilot of the first episode of a show that the two of them are doing on peacock and it was very funny uh i really enjoyed it a lot but i was does it had i was how how involved is gain i don't think gain is involved, but I think it's from some of the people that brought you Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Ah, sure. The gain of television. Yeah. So as I was watching this pilot, the plot of the pilot is that Craig Robinson's a bank

security guard and then he loses his job, but his dream has always been to get a loan so that he can make a field of some kind of superfood to harvest and sell because it only grows in the forest, but he can't get a bank loan. And then Claudio Doherty's an Uber driver and she's taking him to try and get the bank loan, but she stops to fight a snake and he hates snakes. And then she kills the snake and leaves it in the car and then comes back to life, spoiler alert. And then they kill it again and then blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, so on and so forth. Just the kind of beats you would expect. At at the end they enter a snake killing contest to win twenty thousand dollars and it occurred to me i was just like sitcom pilots work so hard

like it's what the premise of a sitcom is that you're enjoying the time you spend with the people that you know. The ersatz family is reminding you of what's good about being in a family, which is to say that disorder can be reordered. But in order to do that, they have to have them kill the snake and then the snake comes back to life. have them kill the snake and then the snake comes back to life and then and then in the end he and then in the end it's just craig robinson needed twenty thousand dollars to grow a superfood thing in the jungle whatever and he just he you just see craig robinson look into the barrel of the camera and go the prize is twenty thousand dollars exactly what he needed the whole time amazing they had to work so hard it must be so hard to write and make a sitcom pilot. That's why there's like two good ones.

I want to talk about this. Okay. Our guest on the program is of course a celebrated stand-up comic and actor. She is also now a celebrated memoirist.

Oh my goodness. Yeah, that's right. She's cashing book checks now. Ha ha! The book biz is booming thanks to Cameron E. Those real thin ones. Real thin checks. Cameron S. Look, I know a little something about checks.

I got one for $300 for when I was in Comedy Bang Bang recently. So, I I was in Comedy Bang Bang recently. So I wasn't on Comedy Bang Bang recently. It's my most recent credit, but it's from about five years ago. But the check I got recently, $300. It was great. Cameron Esposito is our guest. Hi, Cam.

How you doing, buddy? It is – you know, first off, honestly, I almost got a little emotional when you – almost got a little emotional when you were, when you, uh, almost got a little emotional. I got emotional when you started talking, Jesse, because I realized, I think the first time I did this show, does this sound right? I think the first time I did this show. So you had me as a live guest in Chicago, like 15 years ago or something like that. But I think the first time I, but that was, I think on bullseye yeah so i think that's when i met you jesse but then i think i came to la and then i think i was a guest on this show i was like here like just checking it out to see if i want to move here i think i was a guest on this show and like came to your house i think i came to your house and you probably were like oh fuck this is show business it's back to chicago for me

opposite i was like i made it you know i was like i'm like clearly i'm in people's houses like i'm indoors you gotta stay on your own um no go back to chicago and try and get on wait wait again yeah it just was real cute you know like i think we've just known each other for a long time. I think that's what I was thinking of. As you said, the intro, I was realizing, you know, that I've certainly done this show in an airtight booth downtown in Los Angeles. But I've also done it at your house that you don't even live in anymore. Yeah. You don't live in the house.

And that's the dream. I mean, the dream is to go from area to area recording podcasts that some like. That's right. That's right. There are those who like. Devoted listenership. Yes. Devoted listenership. Well well we're always thrilled to have you here cameron esposito um yeah i had a and congrat congratulations on congratulations on

the continued growth of your distinctive hairstyle game um always been a central part of the cameron Cameron Esposito brand. That's right. Now features blonde, not tips, but blonde two-thirds. Like highlights. I think they're technically called highlights. Oh, are they highlights? Which is tough to live with. It's tough to go to sleep. Right. But I think I technically have highlights.

You know what really looks good? It's highlights for children. Yeah. Yeah. It is a bit of goofus and gallant right here on my head. It's a great hairstyle and a great magazine to read while you're waiting for the dentist. Cameron's hair is now entering a sort of grand and expansive state. It was previously a down-do.

Now I would call it an outdo oh my god that's well i mean it was also previously an outdo okay yeah it's been all sorts of ways but i i am working on this tv show right now and when i when i went to be when i like came back and i went through because it's i'm a love interest I had to do chemistry reads with the actor who's been on the show for a bunch of seasons for like the network and for the producers and all that stuff

Jimmy Smits we can just say it's Jimmy Smits I had to do chemistry reads with Bill Nye but it was a totally different thing well why that's a bummer we were just doing chemistry experiments that's such amer you know experiments that's such a i mean i would want to see both is what i'm saying i want but the sexual tension was palpable absolutely a little bit of eruption you got all right i can palp that i can i can palp that

right now i can imagine it i'm palp i'm playing it i'm playing it in my mind, Pallas. Bro, you palpin'? Yeah. It's palp. The two of you met at his Pasadena swing dancing club. That's true. My stepdad plays trombone at. Wait, is that a real thing? It is, yeah.

Yes and yes. My stepdad is a trombonist and he plays at the Pasadena Ballroom Dance Society. And from what I can tell, the biggest thing to happen at the Pasadena Ballroom Dance Society is when Bill Nye shows up and cuts a rug. That sounds great. I mean, I currently live in Pasadena. Oh, me too.

So on my way. Yeah, let's go together. Sounds like. That would be great. And I've seen Jesse at the farmer's market. So yeah, these are the things that we do. I've seen Jordan at the farmer's market. True.

Folks, we got to pass it to the likes of them. Oh, wow. Oh, this is why I was going to say that thing about the hair. So when I did all these chemistry reads, the number one thing that the network said back is they were like, don't change that hair. My hair was going straight up in the air during all those chemistry reads. They were like, don't change that hair. That hair is wild for ABC. Like, we love it. Like, sign up that hair. My hair was going straight up in the air during all those chemistry reads. They were like, don't change that hair. That hair is wild for ABC.

Like, we love it. Like, sign up the hair. Like, you know, so I got the job. But then when I got to set, the actual hairstylists were like, we really respect you and we want you to feel comfortable in your hair. But just so you know, the way you wear your hair won't fit in frame. So they had to like cut my hair differently and like make it go more down, which is so I got to consult on how I wanted to go, which is like this sort of floppy 90s thing but it was for a while just going sort of in a um i would say aggressive electrified pompadour but that it turns out that can't go on tv have you because it will blow the frame have you thought about maybe just doing projects with

christopher nolan who shoots everything in that imax format that's a great too bad for the cinerama dome yeah not yeah because that would have been a great yeah if you do have you ever seen the hairstyles in lawrence of arabia because they are extrovert the width on those hairstyles okay absolutely breathtaking well again because wide you know that's fine but it was just up so that's so you got to go with the way that TVs are designed. You know, you got to go more landscape than portrait. I read an article a couple of years ago about why like 75% of women on television have that kind of like loose curls in the front long hair hairstyle it's like back but there's kind of like uh there's there's kind of like uh like if you imagine somebody's a ponytail no it's like a ponytail with like with like some some hair in the front some like loose curls in the front okay

all right and it has to do with it's like it's like really it's like really easy to keep looking the same in between shots. And like in real life, it's actually a very difficult hairstyle to maintain because it becomes a mess. It's hard to manage. But because they have someone to manage it, they manage it in between every shot. And because they can do that, this is a style where if they manage it in between every shot and because they can do that this is a style where if they manage it in between every shot it can look the same in every shot this is why i'm a nightmare for any time i'm on television and i've been on television and actually many times weirdly based on how i thought things would go um but i touch my hair all the

time it's everybody's nightmare you mean like when when you got to Los Angeles and found that Jordan Jesse Goh was waiting for you? Like, well, surely this won't lead to lucrative film and television work. I just thought I was, you know, it's that classic thing. We make stars. You're too gay for TV. Yeah, that's true. We do make stars. You're too gay for TV. Yeah, that's true. We do make stars. I think this is an example of why representation matters, because we're going to need to get more outrageous lesbian hairstyles that are highly repeatable for television and hairstylists who are comfortable with them. I cannot tell you how true that is.

I mean, seriously, though. This is an actual thing to be a gender nonconforming person and to be a love interest on network television. And also, I'm not the person that is pursuing like I'm actually being pursued. That's the the character that I'm playing is being pursued by a woman who is an actor. Jimmy Smith is a cop. Of course he's pursuing. Jesse, I don't think it's Jimmy Smith. smiths it's not jimmy smiths is it is her love interest sipowitz i could actually tell you it isn't i think it would mean something to well i think it would mean something to jordan but i wonder if it means something to jesse

is it i don't know fish this is this is this is this is me not knowing okay what shit let's find out um my love interest on this show is grace park she was a huge part of my life for a period of time because she's one of the stars of battlestar Galactica. No, you know, that's actually not quite my zone. Backwards, baby, because Jessie watched Battlestar Galactica and remembers this lady from Battlestar Galactica. She was totally awesome on it. Yeah. And then she starred in Hawaii Five-0.

And Jordan's a different kind of nerd. Is that? Oh, shit. Yeah. Shit. You Jordan's a different kind of nerd. Is that... Oh, shit. Yeah. Shit. You know robots in space? Battlestar Galactica was a dalliance with this kind of nerd for me. I'm not a committed this kind of nerd.

I'm a medium Star Wars guy. I think all Jordan, Jesse Goh listeners know that. But I did watch Battlestar Galactica until it started getting crazy and I checked out but um I did I did really like it I did really like it for the first few years I bet if I sat down with Battlestar Galactica I would like it and it's one of those like everybody loves it shows that I've been

meaning to get to it's like uh yeah like I did The Sopranos last year I'm like I gotta do The Sopranos so it's like kind of one of those got to do the Sopranos. It's one of those for me. Sure. Also, what were you doing in the mid-aughts? Because that's when that would have been. What would have been your... What was I watching in the mid-aughts? John was plowing his way through Los Angeles in the mid-aughts. Come on. I ran a snowplow

business. Los Angeles' only snowplow guy. I didn't have a TV because i couldn't afford one right what was i watching i was probably just watching the mr show dvds over and over again yeah that's what we what's what we were all that makes sense everybody that's not what i wasn't Everybody was watching Mr. Show DVDs. But I am very happy that you voted for it. It made me the not well-rounded guy I am today. Cameron, I wanted to ask you about your book. I don't know if this is the cover or if this is just the press materials, but are you or are you not wearing a Pope outfit?

Yeah, that's a great question. Thank you. Because the paperback is what's coming out right now, and it is the cover of the paperback. Wow. It's sitting here with my desk. But it also was press materials. Yeah, I have a friend from Chicago named Tiffany Putterbaugh, And you got to know who is... I like this already.

I'm already 100% on board. As soon as you said you have a friend from Chicago named Tiffany Putterbaugh, I said, yes, let's talk about this. Let's talk about pierogies. Is this just a character from... Is this a character from Search Party? Tiffany Putterbaugh is a hilarious comic.

She is part of the uh legendary chicago duo the putterbaugh sisters her and her sister danielle classic they're funny as hell so she's also a costume designer but she's you know she's an unusual gal and when i knew i was when i was writing this book and i knew that i needed to make like some promotional materials. She is that you got to know who in your phone. You can call. I don't even think I called her. I think I texted her and said, like, can you make like a gay pope outfit within?

I think I gave her two weeks. Like I was like, you got two weeks. I need the hat. I need the like yoke part. Like I was like, two weeks. You got two weeks, Butterball. I need the hat. I need the like yoke part. And I got to get the cape. She made it. She made that like, it's like, I like own it.

She made it. It's not a trick. It's not a trick of the eye. This has come up on Jordan Jesse Go before. I'm really excited to meet a new gay pope because i already knew a gay pope who was the gay pope you know i used to go when i was in high school i know no listeners will i don't think i know if i've mentioned this specific aspect of it no listeners will be surprised to learn that i belong to a club that went to see foreign films and then have and then have uh and then have like cheese and salamis crudités afterwards um so the leader of this group his best friend uh he's an artist named ronald chase

a very good man um and his best friend his like lifelong best friend, became my childhood, my adolescent hero two ways. Number one, one day he mentioned that he was in Jambi's wedding. And I was like, you were in fucking Jambi's wedding? And he's like, yeah, we're very good friends. And you fucking, holy shit. The other thing that Huntley just once casually mentioned in conversation. And remember, this is a 58-year-old man just hanging out with a bunch of teens, helping them go to foreign movies and eat crudités. Huntley goes one day, he goes, yeah, you know, do you know the Sisters of the Perpetual Indulgence? Oh, yeah.

The Sisters of the Perpetual Indulgence. Oh, yeah. The Sisters of the Perpetual Indulgence. They're like a pride – they're like a bunch of pride drag queens who dress up as nuns. They all have different names and they do pride events and it's very fun. Huntley met one of them at a party. He said to Huntley, you know, you look a lot like Pope John Paul. Huntley said, oh, really? Yeah, I haven't heard that. Huntley became the pope of the Sisters of the Promethean Adulgence. Oh, my God, that's great.

So he has his own papal robe and all the events he goes and has a popemobile and does the wave and, yeah, the whole nine yards. But why did you become the gay pope other than having grown up gay and Catholic? Yeah, I mean, I think it's the thing of like it's such an iconic – right? Like we got to steal and recreate all the – we got to colonize all of the iconic images that were foisted upon us by the folks who did all the bad things. And I think for a long time, I wanted to be a priest. I think you both know this about me, but I wanted to be a priest and I was a theology major in college. Some of that is what this book is about. And even sometimes during the pandemic, I was taking a lot of theology classes, master's level theology classes.

Remember when you were baking bread? This is what I was doing. A kind of a baking of the soul. Exactly. Well, I was baking the bread, but the bread was also the body of Jesus Christ. Yeah. No. So I'm no longer, you know, a devotee of Catholicism. I don't believe that like Jesus was a literal,

you know, guy, guy born out of a, of God. Um, but I think he was a cool philosopher. And when I was a much younger person, his philosophy was like the first stuff that I really thought worked for me in terms of thinking about social change. Like he was, you know, the stuff that the leftist political thought that goes with jesus which you may or may not know about depending on how you were raised but like if you can get into some like deep jesuit stuff where people are like you're a liberation theologian that's the word for it actually that's the exact word for you yeah i'm here for you yeah back back in the day um that's what was interesting to me. Would you like some crudités, Cameron?

Yeah. I mean, it is. You're like, oh, what if somebody could be nerdy enough to be into foreign films? And I'm like, what if they could be nerdy enough to be into Jesus Christ, but not in like a real way? You know what I mean? Liberation. Like through a looking glass. Liberation theology really worked out for my family because uh my dad's sort of mentor uh was a liberation theologian a priest named raleigh raleigh jones and for many many years our entire his my dad's entire office closet was full of copies of raleigh's book for me to live as christ wow and uh when raleigh croaked, we got his 1977 Chevy Nova.

Amazing. It really was he knew how to look after the poor by willing his Chevy Nova to my dad. You know, I think for me, it's like the first stuff that I ever loved in life besides my family was the idea of trying to make the world a better place. And I think I had a very confused set of steps to do that because I was raised in deep, deep Catholicism. But I am still curious about that. And I can't like separate the way I was raised in deep, deep Catholicism. But I am still curious about that. And I can't like separate the way I was raised out of that. So it's this like very strange conundrum that I find myself in where it's like, I can't unthink all of the stuff I was taught. I went to Catholic grade school, high school and college. Like, even if I leave it behind, Like, even if I leave it behind, it's the fabric of the Pope.

The internal Pope costume that I wear is all of this shit. So I think that's, you know, it's complicated then to live the rest of your life. In some ways, Cameron, you're a Pope wearing a Cameron costume. That's going to be more true. I know. I mean, and then to become a stand-up comic is so on the nose for me like i don't know what everybody else thinks we're doing but like i think that we're preaching you know and i think that it's just a lot of guys started this started doing this job a while ago and like conflated it with being tough and alcohol and those things are true too but i also think it's just about like

telling the truth and um your next step your next step cameron is a leather jacket and a guitar i mean i could i couldn't have more leather jackets and i do have one guitar i can't play yeah i see the good i see the road case behind you let's do this yeah let's go how does how does the uh how's the pope outfit feel on like could you could you could you can you move in it you can move in it but it is not um very airy it's uh it's uh it is a a very a rather synthetic fabric fabric that there are many layers of. Now, the actual Pope, I don't, I mean, the people that make those, that's what I, someday, may we all get a chance to try on those beautiful boots. I mean, you know you can buy Pope socks. I didn't know that.

Oh, from like the Pope's sock-a-tear? Yeah, the Pope's sock-a-tear. You can. There's like a store called Gamarelli in Vatican City, I guess, where the Pope gets his special red socks and you can buy red Pope socks. But our current guy doesn't wear those red socks. Because he's deliberated?

Well, no, because the last guy was flashy. And so he wanted to do his own thing. And so he wore those red socks. And I will also say I have had a weird amount of Pope experiences. Like I've been to, I mean, I am a normal person that, you know, and I've also been to a canonization, which is where they make a human being into a saint. Wow. And I've also been to an audience with the Pope, um, which is a completely, it was when John Paul II was still alive. So

it was with him and he spoke eight languages. And like, I saw him speak that. He also was very old and they had him, he was going to appear on a balcony to start the audience, but he couldn't walk out onto the stage. They rolled a balcony out with him already on it. Wow. Which is one of the greatest things I've ever seen in my life. And then the other thing that is true is that people chant at these at a canonization, too. And then also it's like people chant like like they're at a soccer game like that kind of especially in like a global because it's like a global community right so when people were cheering they're getting really excited for john paul the second to come out i got to hear the chants which were amazing

and i could tell you what i could tell you let's hear it what's your favorite pope chant i can do i can do two uh one is jp2 we love you wow yeah that's one i like but this is actually the i think this is a better one giovanni paolo you know with the claps when you know when i went to see when people were just saying show your tits which was weird yeah i went in Boston, and the whole time he's doing his whole mass in Latin and everything, and it's just, Yankees suck. Yankees suck. Dump them out, John Paul. Absolutely. Absolutely.

The vibe. 100% the vibe. Beach balls, that is the vibe a hundred percent the vibe are your family still like practicing catholics do they go to mass is that something you would like do on christmas or something so they they were when i came out and then i eventually left the church partially for queerness partially because i read what the church actually said about women partially because i like kind of clicked for me that the church had like stolen land from people like that. They'd done great harm. So I left the church and then my parents sort of left, too, because of me.

of me. And this last Christmas, they came to visit me in Pasadena and I did take them to like an outdoor service because I'm at a place now, 20 years after coming out where I'm like, I don't know, my folks are in their seventies. Like, I think that was a big loss for them. I know it was a big loss for me to lose like that part of identity. And so I, I felt like, let's go give it a shot. You know, we went to the thing. My dad thought it was great. I will say that like, I was bummed to find out that it didn't feel, it felt neither magical nor infuriating. Like it, like what a bummer, you know know it just kind of felt like people doing their best outside it was it was so annoying i just i wanted to be so pissed like going to jc penny to pick up a new pack of underwear it was it just was regular just people being regular and trying to these ones have

mo doll is that good exactly uh exactly i i grew up religious and it's an interesting thing when you kind of like learn you know usually in college you're like oh you you know i oh you you go to church and you you like feel connected to everybody and there's this guy and he says help the poor great right and then you're like oh there's a lot of other shit and it's real bad. Like that is such. Yeah. And yeah. And I totally know the kind of missing of that. Just like simple. That simple kind of feeling of, hey, love your fellow man. Right. This is great. Like, yeah. Like, I totally also miss that. That's a good.

Yes. Solutions like anything right like as opposed to just the utter insanity of like life is going to continue and you won't know how to deal with it and like and like do your best sweetheart and like try to make friends you know it's like that's so it's so um complex and it's so unyielding and i just think i think it was a I just think, I think it was a lot. I think it was very, it was a big relief for me for a long time that it was like, do these things and this is how to be good. Except for its fundamental incompatibility with who you are as a human being. Absolutely. I mean, that, that, uh, well, the first thing I checked was if they were right.

You know what I mean? I did check that. Did you, where'd you go for that? Wikipedia? I checked was if they were right. You know what I mean? I did check that. Where did you go for that? Wikipedia? Wolfram Alpha? No, I went for that. Does Catholic church equal right? No, I went for that, you know, having a secret girlfriend and a public boyfriend.

I mean, for a while, I had, like, boyfriends, no secret girlfriend. Then I got to college. Then I had a secret girlfriend and a public boyfriend. I mean, I had for a while I had like boyfriends, no secret girlfriend. Then I got to college. Then I had a secret girlfriend. Then I had a public boyfriend's secret girlfriend at the same time. That was not I wouldn't recommend that. I am 100% confident that this represented extraordinary struggle and emotional turmoil for you. Like 100% and the last thing I would want to do is diminish that struggle for you. And yet, I'm just trying to imagine a world where I could get two people to date me at

the same time. It seems like an extraordinary power. Extraordinary power. I got to tell you the truth. It wasn't two. get two people to date me at the same time it seems like an extraordinary power extraordinary power if i had that kind of if i had if i had esposito charisma oh my god i was a wreck in my 20 like so if you went to college with my my college nickname my friends in college this is what they called me this is they called me wild ride because truly you never knew what the fuck was going to go on you never knew where i was going to show up uh i mean it was because i was in so much pain but like i was in so much pain i was hurting so much that i was lying and i was trying to sort of obscure. I was living my whole life as if I could throw smoke bombs

and just be gay behind there. I was doing such a Wizard of Oz. So much Wizard of Oz-ing was going on. But it did look, I think, extremely fun. There was a weekend where on a Thursday night I ran off into the sunset wearing a coconut bra and my roommates didn't see me till monday you know that's wild ride for you exactly and they weren't

even like worried because it wasn't like exactly like she's not hurt she's gonna come back but like we don't know if she'll ever i mean that's a lot of days did she find a shirt like how did this go they're just watching you run off and just into the sunset and they're just they're chanting together yankees they're like we don't know where she's going because actually this was in boston so there you go it's true we don't know where she's going we don't know when she's coming back but when she comes back she's gonna have a weird pet she will have acquired a kind of a difficult cameron so jordan grew up in a sort of in a sort of all-american uh kind of evangelical christian context um you know like a like a big church kind of contact yes because you're you're

from mission bm right yeah and you went, I think, actually with one of my college – or in high school with one of my college roommates. I don't remember. Oh, my gosh. Small world. Yeah. Casey Masley was her name. But she might not have been your age. She sounds great.

No, I was too – yeah. Anyway. She was probably part of the Battlestar Galactica club and I just did not. Yeah. But keep going. I also went to, and I think that church would also be a mixed bag for you. But I grew up going to church in San Francisco, Episcopalian Church. And let me tell you, Episcopalian Church in San Francisco is gay Catholicism. That's what that is.

tough family thing go on. And I lived in Los Feliz at the time. And there is a church in Los Feliz called the MCC that is like a queer church. And so we, there had a, like a midnight Christmas Eve mass. And we were just like, I don't know, should we try it? Like I had all this other experiences. Should we try it? And we showed up and I will say first of all did not disappoint there was everybody was amazing that was there there was an actual leather family that was there with each other fucking amazing was like a little leather baby uh well yeah with a little leather baby but that leather baby was a grown adult who has made a choice to be a leather baby yes yes i Yes. I just pictured a regular baby with a little leather num-num. No, it was like some daddies and some kiddos, but everybody's of the age of consent. Yeah.

And they went up and received communion together as a group. It was incredible to see. But I think the thing is having had my heart broken by organized religion. I don't know that I – I'm like a spiritual person. I'm super curious about a lot of different things that we have as human beings chosen to organize our surroundings with. But I'm not really looking to join this gay church. Cameron, hang out

at the beach at night and you look up at the stars and you're just like, there's so many stars. We're pretty small. It's weird because money only has value because we say it has value. Sometimes, you know what I think? Sometimes, I personally, has value yeah sometimes you know what i think sometimes i personally i'll be like hanging out at the beach at night and i'll be watching the billboard music awards and i'll just be like

i'm so insignificant compared to all these stars that god made oh my god how are you watching it at the beach what is happening i have a sony watchman and i'm watching the billboard music and i'm awed by the number of stars from conway twitty all the way to marian williamson why is she there from stephen foster to the great madrigalists absolutely all the stars uh cameron you know but to answer your question in an unhelpful and serious way do you know what actually does feel spiritual to me is doing stand-up like i love to do stand-up and it feels amazing to me to be on stage and be with an audience like it actually feels connected and like locked in. And I feel like I'm like, there's like breathing going on where like are because of the way

that the timing of jokes and where they land and when the audience laughter kicks in. And then also there's like a falling of the laughter that you pay attention to before starting to speak again. And it matters when you take your drink of water. And it's very, um, uh, like biology, the biologically and then physically, chemically what's happening inside my body when I'm doing standup, it is wild. I mean, it's drugs, like for sure it's drugs. It's extremely difficult to leave stage and then go have a normal conversation with anybody. Very hard to go to bed. And you get a drink ticket sometimes.

it's the wildest thing. I think it is really interesting that without even realizing it, that somebody who had this early interest, I like found this job and then realized like decades later, Oh, this is like actually a good outlet for this thing that I was interested in the whole time. Like I just, you know,

I thought I was doing fuck around. I do feel like I know quite a few kind of comics and creative people who, who they're like childhood thing they thought they were going to be was like a priest or a pastor or a youth pastor or something like that. I know a lot of them. I know. Absolutely. I mean, first of all, there's like a little bit of a there's a little bit of an antisocial personality type going on. But I would add to that that there's a not for everybody, but I do think there's like a genuine desire to help to help the room, you know, like here you seem tense. Let me help.

The other side of that is that an overdeveloped sense of humor always means that the person who's joking around feels weird about themselves. That's what an overdeveloped sense of humor is for. Yeah. I don't think there's a lot of Catholic priests who feel weird about themselves. I think they all are 100% super. Don't feel there's no guilt going on there there's no confusion going on god oh my god there's no mixed messages happening inside those minds and bodies can you even imagine i cannot i can't i mean look i liked raleigh a lot sure raleigh was a great guy there was this guy called Father Peter who was the priest of the Catholic Church nearest my house on 24th street in San Francisco and

he was like one of these guys like he like made his bones cycling through the Andes giving people priesting, like with like ice in his beard. And he came over to dinner a few times because he was friends with my mom,

who is not a Catholic. And like he was, you know, he had the pastoral quality. You were there and you were ready to be cared for by him. You know, that's a nice thing i think it's worth saying like in the in the way that you do these things you have to like say something that's not funny like i think it is like worth saying while we're talking about this that like i think there are like a lot of religious people who are uh cool in all the ways that you would want them to be cool and like um and all that stuff like i like my family like my family is and i i like the only thing i ever like disagree with them

about is like labor stuff like union issues or something you know like they want to use everyone's correct pronouns and nobody voted for trump and all that stuff so i i you know i think something i think it's worth saying that there are a lot of like cool christians who are on the right side of things yeah to be clear jordan you described your uncle as a trombonist he's probably best known as a pink dad for jordan you described your i don't think i get that jordan you described your stepdad as a trombonist um but i think he's probably best described as a pinkerton still don't get it uh he's a union buster a professional union buster okay um and your your mom participates i mean

you can say this it's okay for you to say this. She has a nightstick that she swings at people who won't go back to work in the mines. That's true. It's factories mostly. Yeah. Okay. Cheesecake factories. Oh, I mean, but honestly, they do need a raise. I know.

Those cheesecakes are heavy. There's too many types of cheesecake to have to. There's so many. You got to memorize it. You can't even, you know, if you work there, you can't look at the book. Yeah, you got to just rattle them off the dome. And that's it. Let's take a quick break.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la're very grateful to you for supporting Jordan, Jesse, Go. We're also supported this week by the good folks at Magic Spoon. Now, Jordan, I know you're a late night spoon snacker. That's what you go to to satisfy your sweet tooth. That's right. As soon as we get off of this Zoom call, I'm going to go to the kitchen and get me a handful of magic spoon. You can eat it for breakfast. Most do, but also it makes a great late night snack.

So it's very versatile. Jordan, can you eat it for lunch? Yeah, totally. Eat it for lunch. Go ahead. Can you eat it for dinner? Yeah. What if you want to eat it for dinner?

That's a meal in between lunch and dinner that my daddy invented. Do it up. All right. Open your mouth. Come dinner time. Shove in some magic spoon, and you will be very happy. This is a come dinner? Huh?

This is a come dinner? What? You said to open my mouth for come dinner time. We've got some wires crossed here. Come dinner time. You know what we agree on we might disagree what time litter is right but we agree on magic spoon it's keto friendly gluten-free grain-free soy-free and low carb it has 13 to 14 grams of protein. Jordan likes the sweet stuff. My favorite is the peanut butter. Look, Jordan, have fun with maple waffle

and cookies and cream and whatnot. I like peanut butter. It's a little more savory, a little salty with my sweet. That's what I like. Come litter time. All of the flavors are delish. I have not had one Magic Spoon flavor

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they'll refund your money, no questions asked. Remember, get your next delicious bowl of cereal at magicspoon.com slash JJGO and use the code JJGO to save $5 off. Come linner time, you'll be thanking Magic Spoon for sponsoring this episode. code JJ go to save $5 off. Come winter time. You'll be thanking magic spoon for sponsoring this episode. Uh, Jesse. Yeah.

We're also sponsored by man scaped. You know what I love about manscaped. Hmm. I love the feeling of taking my manscaped product right into my shower area and washing away the sins of my day. That's true. Yes. Gain absolution through Manscaped. That's what they promise.

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Yeah. So Manscaped, if you listen to the show, you know that Manscaped makes great trimmers for your below the belt area, your sensitive delicates. You know we don't neglect them. We don't neglect them. We would never neglect them. We'd be cruel. Downright cruel to neglect that particular area. But Manscaped also makes products for other areas

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All your friends will say, what do you reek of? They'll say manscaped. They'll know not to leave that of hanging. They'll say, of what do you reek? Of what do you reek, sir? Yes. Goof aside, the Manscaped stuff is all really terrific. I have not used anything from them that I do not love.

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Yes. I right. Yes. After you. I don't know. Yeah, whatever. Who cares? What's anything? We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Moore's boy detective. I'm Cameron Esposito, one of the good ones. Wait, one of the good which now?

Chicagoans? I don't know. I don't know. I just felt like I wanted to see how that would land. One of the good Yankees No you're thinking of damn Yankees Not good Yankees Okay thank you

Well guys I don't know if you know this But it's spring Oh yeah it has sprung Spring is in the process of springing You know how I know that Jesse? I ate my first bee of the season. Num, num, num, num, num, num. Snatched him right off his flower.

You know, I read a New Yorker article about this, how there's a worldwide bee crisis caused by Jordan eating bees. Jordan and my dog Ruby, who has been, she's a year year and a half old she's been stung by a bee five times she's allergic we can't believe she's not dead and it's because she is addicted to trying to eat bees that is her it's her she gets up in the morning and that's what's on her mind you gotta chomp some honeys you think you can get her on MTV My Strange Addiction or whatever it's called? Absolutely. Absolutely. This is what that M. Night Shyamalan movie The Happening is about, by the way.

It's about Cameron's dog? It's about bees, but Cameron's dog is heavily featured. Okay. Cameron's dog is more what the wicker man is about. That's right. I'm just going to yes and whatever references you make. So, for references you so sure uh-huh it's not like that our show makes sense uh-huh um the happening mark walberg i don't even know if he's in that it's spring it's springtime guys and that's when a young man's uh thoughts turn to fancy right but it's also uh the season of renewal uh when the sport

of baseball returns um there was a labor lockout in baseball um yeah but we're we're back to uh today i was driving around listening to a spring training game by the time the third or fourth inning of an early spring training game happens it it's really just double-A guys who happen to be around playing in the game. Like all the major league players have sort of peaced out and gone home to the hot tub at their five-star hotel in Phoenix. And so it's just miscellaneous guys. And the announcer spent 10 minutes discussing what was going on at the airport in Goodyear, Goodyear, Arizona airport. They were trying to decide, they were trying to decide whether it was a, a graveyard, a boneyard or a dust bowl. I think something like that.

They're just talking about how there's how many different airplanes there are there and one of them says oh well you know uh my my brother-in-law works for an airline like a little airline and they had to fly somebody over there to get a part once this is what they're talking about during the baseball game i'm right have you been to spring You know, we have a listener who for many years worked for the Texas Rangers. At one point, I think I can say this now, he sent me a pair of Delano DeShields Jr.'s pants. And God bless him for it. It was because somebody, Sarah Schaefer maybe, brought up how softball pants were comfortable to sleep in and nobody believed it i don't know wow but anyway he kept inviting me to spring training he'd be like look i work for the rangers they're in the the uh they're in the league in arizona the cactus league so if you

come like i could probably get you like you could walk on the field you could do whatever you like try and meet buster posey or whatever um and i never was able to do it was too hard to with my kids and stuff like it was just too hard to take that trip um and it was he he no longer works for the rangers now and it's like fuck that fucking blew it would that would that be really exciting for a baseball fan to see spring training i think spring training like the thing i've never been to spring training it's definitely sort of like owning a just as owning a macintosh to me means that you're a rich kid uh having been to spring training means that you're a rich kid uh i've been to spring training so there you go and you

had to probably had to go did you have did you go to spring training. So there you go. And you probably had to go – did you go to spring training from Los Angeles or from Chicago? No, yeah, from Chicago when I was a kid. Holy shit. Did you go all the way to Florida or something? No, I think we went to Arizona. Oh, sure. The Cubs play there at Ho Ho Cam Park. Yes.

But we actually saw – my dad was like something – like I didn't grow up in a family. My parents – my dad is like – my mom retired this year because of COVID because she was a preschool teacher. My dad still works. He's in his 70s. He like isn't able to retire. He's a high-powered attorney. He's an attorney, yeah, but he's, he's still working. I think that this is what I'm trying to say. His power is waning. I, well, I just mean, I don't know. He's an attorney. But when I was a kid, my parents, they like, instead of saving for something like their own retirement, they did a shit ton of awesome things with their kids. That is like what my parents spent their money on. Like we did not drive fancy cars. They did a shit ton of awesome things with their kids. That is what my parents spent their money on. We did not drive fancy cars.

They did not drive fancy cars. We just did a shit ton of awesome stuff with them. So one thing – You met the Pope four times. Exactly. Exactly. It's like not like awesome clothes, not like the, but just, we just went to really cool shit. So my dad wanted us to go to spring training when Michael Jordan was playing for the White Sox because he was just like, never again, kids.

So I think we might've even been living there. Like it, like I, like I literally think he like got into the. He just, he just pulled up in front of your school and was like, we're going to see Jordan in Arizona. So I saw Michael Jordan play baseball. The trunk's full of pierogies. Let's go. I saw him play baseball, which is, like, a very unusual thing to have had happen. He looked so strange.

That is strange. Because also like when he was going to come back to basketball after that is really when he bulked up and got like big. And then all NBA stars started to be a different size where previously it had only been like Shaq and Charles Barkley who are who are like have any heft to them at all. But right. But. It was a bunch of string beads and you don't necessarily realize how wide major league baseball players are until there is a these like slender man also because the white socks uniforms are vertical stripes yeah verticals and it looked like it was like a timber monster it was a halloween town for sure and it was not come on jordan tim burton would never make a film about

an african-american character oh you're right there you go uh so it's it's baseball season again this is a great comfort to me of course I'm sure a great comfort to both of you Jordan once you're done with your rewatch of Battlestar Galactica or your first watch of Battlestar Galactica you can watch you can listen to spring training games

in the car with me I mostly just watch Family Feud okay fair enough nothing wrong with that Is that on PBS Living? I've got PBS Living, does that have Family Feud? It's a lot of, oh, Creatures Great and Small Gotta get the Game Show Network

Okay, is that on PBS Docs? I think it's actually the Game Show Network Oh I think it's also syndicated around What if i donate to my local station and get pbs navigator it's actually on the game show network okay if you say so if you say so and you know uh baseball the baseball players these days they have uh

names strange names colorful names we learned that that from our friends Abbott and Costello many years ago, the popular comedy duo of Who's on First fame. And it's not just now. Throughout history, baseball players have had weird names, which is why I've made this quiz for you guys, which is why I've made this quiz for you guys, which is which of these is a real baseball player name? These are historical baseball names, primarily. I don't, you know, granted. Is Sky Bolt currently playing for the Oakland A's?

Yes, he is. But I don't even need to use Sky Bolt currently playing for the Oakland A's? Yes, he is. But I don't even need to use Sky Bolt, which is spelled S-K-Y-E-B-O-L-T, to do this quiz. This is all just from the pages of baseball's past, the dusty pages of baseball's past. The way this quiz works is I will give you one real name and three false names. It's your job to guess the real name. Cameron Esposito, I'm going to start with you. Are you ready for this? Did your dad ever take you to the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, New York?

I've driven past Cooperstown and I didn't even stop. You didn't even stop? You gave it the finger on your way. Not even to visit the member the many memorabilia stores no no nope i think i pointed and on we went i know hey i was a i was are you even american i was a young person just trying to get home okay you. You had a lot to learn. Cameron Esposito, which of these is a real baseball player name? Here's your choices.

Trounce Catbell. Okay. Vance Dusseldorf. Boots Poffenberger. Or Plymouth LeSabre? Those choices again are Trounce, Catbell. I'm sorry. This should read Buick LeSabre.

Somebody was tired when they named that person earlier tonight. Okay. That's not. That's. Trounce, Catbell, Vance Dusseldorf, Boots, Poffenberger, or Buick LeSabre. What's the real one? Because you said one of these is real? Yeah, one of these is real. One of these is real.

So it's either Trounce, Catbell, Vance Dusseldorf, Boots, Poffenberger, or Buick LeSabre. Incorrect. It's Boots Poffenberger. Wow. Who played for the Detroit Tigers and the Brooklyn Dodgers in the 1930s. That was stupid of me. Are you ready? Because an object has a first name.

That's exactly. So all that was going through my head is how fucking stupid it could ever be. A plural object? I'm a fucking idiot. A pluralized object? That's the most classic baseball name of all time. Keep going, Jordan. I'm going to take that info going forward.

So thank you for that mistake. Absolutely. Okay, Jordan. It's now to you. Which of these is real? One of these is real. Three of these are false. Wild Boy Jizz Man.

Dizzy Nutter. Blast Juices, or Wet Waylon Wilson. Can we get a year? Those choices. Can we get a year? Those choices again. Can you get a year? Yeah. The year is 1919.

Okay. Your choices are Wildboy Gizman. It's J-I-Z-M-A-N. I don't think it's that one. Could be pronounced Jizz Man. Dizzy Nutter. Might be that one. Blast Juices.

I don't think it's that one. Or Wet Waylon Wilson. I think it's... Wet isn't a given name in Wet Waylon Wilson. Wet is... Yeah. I think it's... Wett isn't a given name in Wett, Waylon, Wilson. Wett is... Yeah. I think it's number two. Number two, Dizzy Nutter.

You're absolutely correct. Amazing. Dizzy Nutter pitched 18 games for the 1919 Boston Braves. Congratulations, Jordan. You've got the lead, but Cameron, great news. This one's worth two points. Alright, come on. I don't know. Here's your choices.

One of these is real. Flyboy Chucky Lindbergh. Mahatma Gandhi. Abraham Lincoln Jr. Or Calvin Coolidge Julius Caesar, Tusca Homie McClish. Come on now.

Your choice is again Flyboy Chucky Lindberg. Flyboy is a nickname. That's not, the given name is not Flyboy. It's a nickname. Mahatma Gandhi. Yep. From the movie Gandhi.

Abraham Lincoln Jr. nickname mahatma gandhi yep from the movie gandhi abraham lincoln jr uh or calvin coolidge julius caesar tusca this one doesn't go do you see what i mean this one's broken can i can i i i just want everybody to have fun. Cameron, can I tell you what I think about this one? Hop in. I think this is around the time that like Charles Lindbergh – Right. This is like around the time when like – So they would have called him Flyboy because they're like, we know this other guy. Yeah, I bet his name was – that's my –

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. You can take that or leave that. I'm not trying to sabotage you. No, that's – honestly, that's where my mind went to. The only reason I'm perhaps at all confused is just why is this true? But I threw out a first pitch for the Chicago Cubs a couple years ago through a strike. It was incredible. For some reason, the day that I threw a first pitch, there was also another person throwing out a first pitch.

There were actually two. Like I threw the first pitch, but then there was a first pitch there were actually two like i threw the first pitch but then there was a second pitch and the second pitch that particular day was being thrown out by abraham lincoln wow an actual abraham lincoln impersonator in full hat took the thing went up on the thing he didn't even take his jacket off he did not throw a strike it seemed so difficult and and i couldn't anyway there was a lot i had a lot of follow-up questions why didn't he get his own day don't all yeah you know how 50 cent lost all his dignity when he did a bad job throwing out that first pitch? How come that didn't happen to Abraham Lincoln?

How come it's not like when anyone's talking, saying something good about Lincoln, other people just post the gif of him flubbing his first pitch? Absolutely. Also, I think it was another thing that I will add is that they didn't say, you know, when they announced him, they didn't say, and also, here's a pitch by Chucky Flyboy Lindbergh, they said, and also Abraham Lincoln. It wasn't Abraham Lincoln impersonator Jordan Morris. It was confusing for all of us. I think that's why nobody made fun of him because he'd already been through enough my lincoln impersonating business went about as well as my snowplow i think i don't have the height for it i think it's the first one jesse i think jordan's right

fly but you so you're you're choosing fly boy chucky lindbergh You're choosing flyboy Chucky Lindbergh? Incorrect. The correct answer is Calvin Coolidge, Julius Caesar, Tuscahomie, McLish. The pride of Anadarko, Oklahoma. He pitched for 20 years in the major leagues or over the course of 20 years. Known best as Cal McLish. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I led you down that path. I wasn't trying to do that. We did a thing together that was smart and used context clues. Teamed up against me. If you want to fuck with me on the next one, feel free. I don't think I can, clearly. I don't think I have the knowledge to do that. Here's your choices, Jordan. One of these is a real baseball player. Johnny Dickshot.

Jules Cruncher. Barry Kicks. Or Pow Balls Hurt. I think in the middle two. The middle two. Can you read me just the beginning of the whole? Johnny Dickshot. Jules Cruncher, Barry Kix, or Pow Balls Hurt.

Cameron, do you have a feeling on this? I think it's the first one, but I'm probably wrong. You guys are on rival feuds teams. You're not on the same family. The other thing that's so weird about this that I wish all the listeners could know is that I don't know how your office is set up, Jesse, but it doesn't look like you're reading anything and you're speaking so quickly as you're going through these names. So it seems to me that you have memorized at least 16 ridiculous names that you remember which order they went in and in which particular. Don't worry. there's three more of these questions, so...

There's a cue card guy, Union cue card guy. It's really, really messing with me, man. Your mom came over, Jordan. One more time. Let's hear it one more time. Okay, that's Johnny Dickshot, Jules Cruncher berry kicks

or pow balls hurt i think it is i think it is i think it is jules cruncher incorrect it's johnny dick shot the first one right who is 35 years old had his best year in the major leagues, hitting 302 for the 1945 Chicago White Sox. Dickshot is a last name? Yeah. Wow. Cameron, you get a point for getting it right, so now it's tied. Whoa, I love these rules.

Okay. Here are your choices, Cameron. Walton Goggins. I don't think it's that one. Vodka Goggins. Vodka Goggins. romeron walton goggins i don't think it's that one vodka okay goggins mulholland distillery goggins or cheese is what no no incorrect the correct answer was cheese goggins of the 1929 carolton champs in the Georgia Alabama League. I just want to repeat that name. His first name is Cheese. No, it's too late. Cheese Goggins.

It's Cheese Goggins and you blew it, Cameron. Spelled C-H-E-E-S-E? It is. The same way as the delicious Dairy Prime. That one was... Gives my son Oscar the toots. Look. Alright. It's back to you, Jordan.

I'm not... Look, I'm trying to get through this quiz here, Cameron. Keep... Stop being funny. Keep going. Jordan, Jesse, go. People are here for baseball information. Not here for dicking around.

Okay, Jordan. Here's your choices. Berry strawberry. Okay. Vegman Brock. Hairy Cauliflower. Or Cuke Green Guy. Boy, I mean, I don't know what to think.

After Johnny Dickshot, I'm just like, what world are we in? Berry Strawberry. Veg Man Brock. Hairy Cauliflower. Or Cuke Green Guy. Hair Harry Cauliflower, or Kewke Green Guy. Harry Cauliflower, final answer. Absolutely correct. It's Harry Cauliflower. Did you guys know, I know that I brought up recently on Jordan Jesse Go, that Daryl Strawberry had sex during baseball games.

I brought that up, right? Sounds correct. Yeah. I found out Mickeykey mantle also did wow like in the locker room that's one of the greatest baseball players of all time wow i sure he only did oral that's why i have sex between plowing driveways that's the plot of the movie beautiful okay cameron great movie you're down two to one but you can tie by getting this one correct i bet i won't alfred does alfred dullesville snooze capers nap dreamy or king i wanted to be the second one i don't think it's the second you want it to be snooze capers to be that's what you want it to be it's a third one but would that doesn't seem like it would it could be the third one i mean you're down two to one i guess it's possible it could be this third one nap dreamy it's the first one um alfred dullesville it's

probably that you're absolutely correct king boring wow king boring first name was king huh now you might know him by his birth name which was cleo Sipple Boring. But he later changed his middle name to King, which is what he went by. Okay. Great news, guys. It ended in a tie, so this is the championship round. I'm going to give you four names.

Each of you will have to choose a different name from this list, and we'll find out who is the winner. This is very exciting. Agamemnon Bacca, Alamazoo Jennings, Squiz Pillion, or Count Sensenderfer.

I want Squiz Pillion. That's Agamemnon Bacca, Alamazoo Jennings, Squizpillion, or Count Sensenderfer. Jordan, I helped Cameron tie you, so you're going to get to go first here. I'm going to say Count Sensenderfer. Count Sensenderfer is Jordan's answer. That leaves for you, Cameron, Agamemnon Baca, Alamazoo Jennings, or Squiz Pillion? I want to say Squiz Pillion, even though I actually think it's Agamemnon.

But I wanted to say Squiz Pillion, because that's what I want it to be. Cameron says Squizpillion, because that's what I want it to be. Cameron says Squizpillion. Brian, your choices are Agamemnon Baka or Alamazoo Jennings. And remember, this is for all the marbles, Brian. Alamazoo Jennings is what I'll say. You're saying Alamazoo Jennings. It sounds like Valerie's option is Agamemnon Baka. And the winner is all of us. All of those are real. They they're all real so we all win

we all won today but thanks to squiz pillion and the listener the listener lost we beat the listener good trick that was a clever trick you know loved it we did defeat the listeners hopes of an entertaining program. Well, if they wanted an entertaining program, they should have listened to an entertaining program. You know what I mean? They're here with us. They know what they did. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Kyle.

I'm a psychic my name is psychic Carrie I'm Ross oh what a pleasure to meet you of course I knew your name was Ross as I am a psychic but please take a seat well I was hoping we could talk about my podcast yes I know it's called Oh No Ross and Carrie yes we investigate from science spirituality and claims of the paranormal.

You took the words right out of my mouth. Yes. This whole podcast, it sounds like it's been a real challenge for you lately. Actually, it's a lot of fun. Yes, exactly. Because it's so fun. I don't know how you do it. This will be $75.

Okay. That seems fair. Oh No Ross and Carrie. At MaximumFun.org. You knew it was a.org. I have a gift. Schmanners. Noun.

Definition. Rules of etiquette designed not to judge others, but rather to guide ourselves through everyday social situations. Hello, Internet. I'm your husband host, Travis McElroy.. I'm your husband host, Travis McElroy. And I'm your wife host, Teresa McElroy. Every week on Schmanners, we take a look at a topic that has to do with society or manners. We talk about the history of it.

We take a look at how it applies to everyday life. And we take some of your questions. And sometimes we do a biography about a really cool person that had an impact on how we view etiquette. So join us every Friday and listen to Schmanners on MaximumFun.org or wherever podcasts are found. Manners Schmanners. Get it? It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Cameron Esposito.

I got all the baseball names wrong. It's all right, Cameron. I didn't know any of them. It all ended in a tie. We all won in the end. Yeah, I got the end right. It all went in a tie. Stole a lot of those from a blog called

Cespedes Family Barbecue. They had a name bracket some years ago. Oh, nice. I stole a few others from a few other places. The point is I didn't do them myself by looking in baseball's history books. Cameron Esposito, here's the thing. I've been thinking about whether I would like

to read your memoir oh yeah but I'm not prepared to pay hardcover prices that's just the reality it's not the income bracket in which I in which I operate

the reality is that if I'm going down to the Barnes and Noble it better be on a spinner rack I'll look I'll read a quality paperback I'm not above that to the Barnes and Noble. It better be on a spinner rack. I'll look. I'll read a quality paperback. I'm not above that.

Absolutely. I don't have hardcover memoir money. Can you help me out here? Oh my God, you are in luck. So Save Yourself came out week one of the global pandemic. Was still a bestseller. Is called Save Yourself, which was a particularly wild title to be launching one of the global pandemic. And, um, it was great. I'd got to do

a bunch of virtual that, that was, that was terrible. But what was great is that I had to do a bunch of virtual events at a time when like virtual didn't exist yet. And a ton of queer folks and a ton of comedy fans showed up and they came to these events and it happened. Like I was, I was terrified and I know many of us were terrified and feeling lonely and isolated. And, um, it was very cool to be able to give something for people to do during that time. And I did, I hosted these panels and all of these amazing writers said yes to being on these panels with me. So like say Jones and Roxane Gay and Tegan Quinn and all of these amazing folks gave me their time and we did all of these incredible Zoom panels.

And then once- But at the time, what did the book cost, Cameron? What did the book cost? It's a great question. This is what I'm going to get to. I don't know what it was cost. I don't know what it cost. Hardcover prices.

You don't even buy your own books. Yeah, you don't even buy – People buy books for you. I got a few over here. But these days, years – Boys and secret girls. These days. These days.

That's right. These days, two years later, after that whole wonderful experience that we all had together, maybe some of you weren't there. You were doing other stuff during that time. Maybe you didn't buy that hardcover or you didn't even attend those panels. Well, guess what? You were wiping down your mail with 409. Absolutely.

If that's what you were doing then, the great news is, hey, the sunshine is coming up around the bend because even though it may may or may not be responsible the world is opening yet again and at that same time the paperback version of save yourself is uh available on the 22nd of march which is in the past from when you're listening to this yeah what a dream so what a dream it's currently available yeah it's currently available. To buy Cameron Esposito's memoir, save yourself. To not have to pay inflated hardcover prices. Simply playing quality paperback prices like God himself intended. Or herself. Or doesn't exist.

Read the book and find out. That's right. Oh, wow. You answer whether or not god exists that's page one that's an opening it's a it's wow that's what they call a thrust a thrust absolutely yeah you are you are god and you don't exist that's a second person thrust lead right there yeah i mean it is tough to follow that with the rest of the book, which is why it's blank. Oh, shit.

So, like, write your own story. Yeah, it's kind of a cool move and it's more of a notebook. Fuck. Shit. I've learned so much. What's the color orange look like to you? I know what it looks like to you i know what i know what i know what it looks like to me cameron what are some of the best god thinking prompts that you included in the book other than just what is the color orange

no that's a great yeah that's a great um mine are hey do you disagree with your neighbor about god beat him up that's one of my top ones. Think about that. You know what I mean? Stick that in your think pipe and smoke it. Spicy. Beat him up long term. You know what I mean?

That's something that I believe in. Another thing I believe in is that babies don't have to be created by sperm and an egg. And that's something I... Yeah. Actually, I something I... Yeah. Actually, I'm finding out in my own personal life is not true, but would love to be true. Yeah. Would love to be true.

You can always yoink a baby. Why not just yoink a baby? Well, I said create it. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. That's true. She didn't say yoink.

Yeah. Okay. You don't need sperm to yoink a baby. No, that's... Well, I mean, but if you want to be extra arrested, you should have it on you. You should have the sperm too. For double arrested. It's an Indiana Jones type thing where you grab the baby and then you replace it with a bag of sperm that weighs about the same. But you don't want to be caught in the moment, in the tiny split second that you're holding him.

Like escape from Alcatraz. Because then that's, do you see what I'm saying? Electric chair for that. Somebody has to work at the prison barber shop to get enough hair to make eyebrows on the sperm baby this is perfect cameron we've sold so many quality paperbacks in the last five to ten minutes i think that's true well also maybe people like my beautiful voice i also read the audiobook you know what i mean so it's like there's, you know what I'm saying?

I love an audio book. I bet Cameron Manheim has a memoir and I bet that there is zero sperm. Cameron Diaz doesn't even want to be a parent. You know what I mean? Nope. It's just all about the mask. The mask again and again desire when i was on set it's filming the mask when me and jim were making the mask i call him james most people call him jim

it's me cameron diaz and then when i was playing There is one chapter in there about how when my best friend's, in my best friend's wedding, Julia Roberts is 27 and that's old. There is one chapter in there about that. Oh. And Cameron Diaz plays Kimmy. She's like 21 or something like that. It's actually an inappropriate age to get married for most adults. Jennifer Lopez can get married as a 50-year-old.

And that just. And I applaud her. And she looks great. She's a great dancer. She's a great dancer. She's great in the movie Out of Sight. Actually, you know, here's a hot take from my father recently. And this feels like a, I mean, I don't know if we're looking for a moment to wrap but this feels like a really rappable moment yeah um speaking to my father on the phone and i was

my name's camp dad and i'm here to say i like fruity pebbles in a major way i was speaking to my father i was in a hotel room um in vancouver and so it's first of all it's canadian television so fun because that's not even it's, first of all, it's Canadian television. So fun. Cause that's not even, it's like different channels. Always feels exciting. Second of all, it's real TV.

You know, I don't have real TV at my house. I have like streaming stuff. So there was a marathon of Jennifer Lopez movies on. I was talking to my father. I said, Jennifer Lopez, right?

Gorgeous. She's so amazing looking. Now sort of what kind of, I was doing sort of a Jesse Thorne sort of, Oh, it's amazing. She can't marry. And Now, sort of what, kind of, I was doing sort of a Jesse Thorne sort of, oh, it's amazing she can't marry. And my dad said, you know what I like about Jennifer Lopez is that she seems, she's like, she's just not that hot. She seems really approachable. Wow, dad.

I said, I'm sorry. I'm sorry i'm sorry my father papa i don't know if your parents are still married but your dad thinks he's got a shot with my parents are still married i said i said wait a minute where how if j-lo is girl next door where we place in mom he said she does not even come near to comparing to your mother. So, I mean. That's beautiful. But she wasn't even around. You know what, Cameron?

How does my dad think J-Lo is in his. I just couldn't believe it. I've been thinking about that. I think about that a couple times a day. I'm with you. I hear what't believe it. I've been thinking about that. I think about that a couple times a day. I'm with you. I hear what you're saying, but I have to say, you know, granted. Do you like ladies? Yes.

But I'm coming at this from the same perspective your father is, as a heterosexual man. And to me, to me, it's obvious. And to me, to me, it's obvious. Given the choice between boning the legendary screen star, dancer, and singer, sometime model, Jennifer Lopezopez and boning your mom of course your mom is leagues above jennifer lopez it's all i think about cameron i mean i it's all i think about i kind of know where your dad's coming from. I bet if I like, you know, if J-Lo and I were at the same like restaurant and she's just like at the bar, I could like go up and order a drink and say just like, hey, you know, you want to like come by later and watch the Mr. Show TV? Cameron Esposito, you're also in an upcoming film, is this correct? Oh yeah, I'm in this movie that's called Moonshot that's coming out next week on HBO Max. Oh, with Jimmy Smiths.

No, you know who is it? It's two actual teen heartthrobs, Cole Sprouse and Lana Condor. They are actual, I get to work with actual teen heartthrobs. Seeing what their lives are like. Those sound like full-time baseball players. They are. These are the pitching coaches and bullpen catchers for the 1939 Brooklyn Dodgers. But yeah, Moonshot on HBO Max, and I'm in A Million Little Things on HBO.

I mean, on ABC right now. All those things are happening at the same time. Heck yeah. I love it. I mean, on ABC right now. All those things are happening at the same time. Heck yeah. I love it. I love it. Can we get... What's the guy called and he was the

first mate on Battlestar Galactica but he was Canadian and so he only worked in other Canadian things? Let's get that guy on your show. Talk to the ABC people. Say, can you get the guy who turned – maybe he – well, we'll find out if he turned out too bad. Are you talking about Lee Adama? Are you talking about – is that who you're talking about?

Thank you. I got to find out who you're talking about. No. No, no, no. That's – That's Edward James Olmos. That's a different guy. Which That's Edward James Olmos. That's a different guy. Which guy is Edward James Olmos?

Oh, my God. It's been so long since I've seen this show. One time Jordan and I had dinner with Jane Espenson at the Ruth's Chris Steakhouse in Burbank. Was it Ruth's Chris? No, it was the- I think it was Houston's. I think it was Houston's.

The time- No, what's it called? Lori's the Prime I think it was Houston's. I think it was Houston's. The time... No, what's it called? Laurie's the Prime Rib. It was Laurie's the Prime Rib. It was great. Man, this is like... Man, Jane Espenson's so great. She wrote on Battlestar Galactica.

And at one point, she said something about Eddie. And I realized she was talking about Edward James Olmos. I was like, oh, fuck, you're so fucking cool. I mean... I wish I worked in show business.

I know there were men on that show. But for me, it's all about Kara Starbuck Thrace. Like that's all I care about. That's not unreasonable. Yeah. Okay. That's entirely – that makes a lot of sense. I mean for me though as a man, I'm really hot for that.

Dude, I don't know. I mean it's like – For the roomy 56-year-old Canadian man who is obviously a local cast. My only television interest is Steve Harvey in his purple suit. But he's having a moment right now. That's a real thing. Rush me, daddy. He's really having...

There's some heat around him that if that if he should jennifer lopez knew what was good for her she'd try to get a little bit closer to yeah she would dump she would dump affleck and get with steve harvey okay well you know what's gonna happen now is i'm gonna go to go to bed. But you both are wonderful. Okay. It was great to see you. Much love. You're the best, Cam.

Thanks for joining us. Our producer, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez, Valerie Moffitt on the stream. You can find us on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com. You can find us streaming mostly Sunday evenings around 8, 15 Pacific. Although, you know, we do the best we can on the MaxFun YouTube channel. So go subscribe to the MaxFun YouTube channel. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. If you have a call for us, 206-9844-FUN, or send us a voice memo at JJ go at maximum fun.org. We want an update on your momentous occasion.

So call us in and tell us what your momentous occasion is and what, what has happened since. And we want big juicy developments. We don't just want, I'm still happily married. I don't care if you're still happily married. We want your spouse to have murdered you. Call us from the grave.

No, don't call us from the grave jordan i disagree call us from beyond the grave or go the fuck home yeah no grave calls hell only only call from hell would you take would you take would you take can I tell you, I really was trying to come up with what's the thing between heaven and hell just now. And the word that I wanted to say was not purgatory. I really, truly just thought of purgatory after all that vamping because all I could think of was scattergories. Well. That's where babies die. Yeah, when babies die. Scattergories.

Yeah, they go to Scattergories. They haven't had the chance to be saved yet. They just play Scattergories, or sometimes Sundays they do Boggle. Anyway. That's all. That's all. Go buy Cam's book. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan. Anyway. That's all. That's all. Go buy Cam's book.

We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica. Bye, everyone. I'll hug you and kiss you and love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

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