Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 734: Down to Swamp with Brea Grant and Mallory O'Meara

Episode Date: April 18, 2022

Brea Grant and Mallory O'Meara (Reading Glasses podcast) join Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jesse's new ostrich and alligator discoveries about his neighborhood, Jordan's Zoom work dilemma involving the Alan Thicke song "Sweaty and Hot", the hierarchy at the mall food court, and the cultural edits Mallory had to make to her book "Girly Drinks" for the upcoming UK release. Plus, a few book recommendations and A LOT of slide whistle fun!    

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm history buff Jesse Thorne. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Great news, Jordan. So, you know, I live in this neighborhood in Los Angeles. Where my house is, is sort of a no man's land between neighborhoods.

But the neighborhood with which I most identify of the neighborhoods that my neighborhood is in between is called Lincoln Heights. Yeah. A great neighborhood

in Los Angeles. It has a great park called Lincoln Park. God, do I make a joke about the band even though the guy is dead? What do I do? The guy is dead. R about the band even though the guy is dead what do i do r.i.p the guy from lincoln park so important to so many teens 15 years ago listen audience just imagine your ideal lincoln park joke and then if you were attached to the guy imagine that i didn't

do it okay no continue uh so i went on there's this website, there's this Los Angeles Public Library website. We'll introduce our guests in just a minute. But there's a Los Angeles Public Library website where it is a photo archive of Los Angeles. So it is actually a combination of many photo archives of Los Angeles, but it's really neat. Yeah. I know exactly what you're talking about. I think I was looking at this same website and just got some like streets that I knew and stuff like that. A lot of fun. And I'm like, wow, there used to be standalone Orange Juliuses.

You can see like a like a building that's an orange like it's not in a mall. It's a building that's an Orange Julius. Wild times. I just type Orange Julius into any website I find just to see what happens. It all started when I was on porn – I mean Google. And yeah, I think Orange Julius is a great thing to type into a website. There were stand – were they – did the people still wear the hats? This was like a exterior. I didn't... You couldn't see the hats through the window? Couldn't see the hats.

Okay. If there's any Orange Julius historians in the audience, please let us know. Did they wear the hats? Anyway. There were some different kind of cool pictures came up of the neighborhood. I found a picture of the building next door to uh what will what will one day be max fun hq uh when it was an original ralph's i printed it out to bring to our neighbors because they're very nice um it's a lovely ralph's it's really good uh can i recommend

something if you if you visit this ralph's jordan if you don't have a Ralph's Rewards account, just type in Jordan's phone number. Don't do it. Get your own. It's really easy. Just tell them your number. There was some cool pictures of lady junkies being booked into jail in the 40s. That was cool. Because they all just seemed really cool.

Cool opium vibes. Yeah, exactly. Just just super cool ladies. But I found out something really important and it really fucked me up, mostly because I didn't know about it. And it just seems like the kind of shit. That should be all anyone talks about. That should be all anyone talks about. Like if I if I went in to get a respado at the ice cream place. They should be talking to me about this and to each other about this. There should be pictures of it on the wall at the CVS when I go in to get COVID tests or whatever, they should hand it to me and say, did you know? And then I would just reply, yes, of course, I know that. But I didn't know until today.

There's a great park in the neighborhood called Lincoln Park. Beautiful park. It's got a big lake there and all kinds of things. Very nice park. Do you think a joke about the band would be funny? You know what? If you're in the audience, just think of your ideal joke about the band. And then if they were really important to you when you were a teenager and you're still sad because the guy died, just remember that Jordan didn't make that joke.

Thank you. Bases covered. Across the street from Lincoln Park, Jordan. Yeah. There were two farms. Across the street from Lincoln Park, Jordan, there were two farms. This was until like the 1940s or something, 1950s, like for a long time. Was one farm named like Dick Farm and the other farm named Ball's Farm?

Is that where you're going with this? Jordan, one of the farms was an alligator farm and one of the farms was an ostrich farm. Oh, my gosh. In my neighborhood in Los Angeles, next to each other, across the street from the park, there was an alligator farm and an ostrich farm. an ostrich farm and if you search for them on the library website you find pictures of children riding alligators like they were horses with little bridles and everything but not the ostriches and then you find pictures of grown men in carriages being pulled by ostriches. Oh my gosh. This happened in my neighborhood and no one told me. What else is good about history?

And that's it, actually. Who knows? Maybe history is full of things that are good. Maybe I should have been paying attention the whole time. Jesse, it's just that and systematic oppression. I found the one good thing. You know what? This is probably what people are upset about, about critical race theory, is that they're not teaching what's great about America, which is that there was an ostrich farm and an alligator farm across the street from Lincoln Park in Los Angeles well into the 20th century.

Sounds like the premise of a stop motion cartoon directed by Wes Anderson. 20th century. Sounds like the premise of a stop-motion cartoon directed by Wes Anderson. Do you think they had a rivalry? Yeah, I mean, I can only assume. I guess, are ostriches and alligators natural enemies in the wild? Yeah. Or are they natural friends in the wild? Let me put it this way. If you were an alligator and an ostrich came to your swamp, would you be happy? I mean, you'd be happy if you were looking alligator and an ostrich came to your swamp, would you be happy? I mean, you'd be happy if you were looking for a quick lunch or a quick kick in the teeth. They're kickers. They're kickers.

They're kickers. They got that big toe. The carriages, huh? I didn't know that ostriches could be trained to serve man. Yeah, apparently so. Amazing. I knew them primarily as a steed for jousting. Right.

In the 1970s arcade game Joust. Yeah, if you needed to lance another guy and then turn him into an egg. Yeah. Ostrich, that's the thing to ride if you need to turn a man into an egg. Fucking ostrich. That's amazing.

It seems like there should be a plaque or something up. A plaque? There should be an alligator farm and an ostrich farm up. Right. Tear down whatever's there. Yeah. Why do we need the fucking headquarters of Century 21? We don't. That's the the answer we don't wait forever 21 not century 21 the real term we don't need forever 21 when we could have an ostrich farm

just combine them just put the alligators in some chunky jewelry yeah that's fine some costume jewelry i like it i said that what they sell at Forever 21? Was that a good Forever 21 poll? I think Forever 21 might have gone out of business. No, it wasn't. Our guests are shaking their head. Maybe tank tops. Can we introduce our guests and they could tell me what a better Forever 21 poll might have been? Yeah.

I used up all my mall material on that Orange Julius thing. They're Maximum Fund's preeminent library enthusiasts. funds preeminent library enthusiasts uh they are the co-hosts of the reading glasses podcast uh bria grant and mallory o'meara hi guys hello how's it going i'm gonna say forever 21 is more tank tops i think jesse's right okay thanks more of a tank top shorts shirts with like things on it that are printed on it that are like, oh, we put Blondie on it, but we're not sure it's a band. Sure. That kind of stuff. You don't need to know

anything about Blondie. Yeah, but you can buy the shirt. Sure. It looks cool. It says Blondie on it, but it might be about the dessert. 100%. Yeah. Or Dagwood's spouse. Jesse, as a historian, are you ready to get your mind blown? Yes.

You want to get another really cool early L.A. fact? Thank you, Mallory. Yes, please. As someone who resources early L.A. Give it to me. You know what they used to give out in theaters in the 1910s? What's that? Hams.

Wow. Not ham. Hamza. To eat. A whole ham. To eat during the movie? To attract people to the theaters because their primary audience was moms. So they were like, what do women love?

Hams. Whole hams. And what, they could smell it and they thought it would attract them? I don't know if they were wafting the ham, but you knew that, man, you wanted a ham, you would go down to the movie theater, watch a nice movie for 10 minutes and get a ham for your family. Head down to the Nickelodeon. Watch those guys go to the moon and hit Martians with umbrellas. Yep.

Nom on a ham. Free ham. Wow. Oh, it was to bring it home. I think we should bring it back. You should bring it home to your family afterwards. You weren't supposed to, like, nosh on it. I mean, you could. I don't think they're going to stop should bring it home to your family afterwards. You weren't supposed to like nosh on it. I mean, you could.

I don't think they're going to stop you from eating the ham in the theater. Is it a cooked ham? Oh, yeah. Wow. I think we should. I mean, that's what I like. Put a deli in the theater. Theaters are really hurting right now.

I think we need to bring this back. Do you think Alamo Drafthouse has cold cuts? I bet it does. I guarantee you. I'm sure they would do it for some sort of movie promotion. Just a big smoke shoulder. Right. I would love a charcuterie theater.

I'm sold. How about this? Iberico hams. Spanish hams. The next Vin Diesel movie. Just you get a ham and then you watch a man who looks like ham. While you're eating a ham, watch a man who looks like ham while you're eating a ham watch a manish man who's whose way is similar to that of ham um mallory you mentioned being an la historian um but you've you have now a like mountain lifestyle am i right about that yeah i live in a tree uh up in the

mountains during the pandemic we moved up to the mountains um and now i don't have a mailbox and i can't get pizza delivered to my house but i do have a yard so you know pros and cons yeah do you know are you meeting mountain folk do you mean squirrels then yes yes that's what i that's what i call that we have a squirrel many squirrels, many ground squirrels, which I did not know existed until I moved here. We have a bobcat that eats the squirrels and a giant mountain lion. Wow. Pretty good. Much better than the neighbors I had in Los Angeles.

They never talk on the phone. Sure. There is, though, Mallory, such a thing as mountain folk. That's not a myth oh yes absolutely it's we thought we were so excited we're like oh we're gonna meet people who make their own granola it's gonna be great and then the first person we saw up here was a man who drives around town in his pickup truck with a don't tread on me flag that is bigger than my office yeah there's a lot right when you when you get to the outskirts you're seeing a lot of

big flags a lot of big flags yeah i feel like they're and in and in deserts too like there's only like one little notch difference between a mountain folk and a desert folk that's a hundred percent the case yeah it's just sunscreen yeah all of All of us. Yeah. Actually, I visited our buddy Andy Wood in Joshua Tree this weekend and saw a lot of big flags. They have so much space. They have to fill it up with all the flags. That's true. Yeah.

And on the way, you know, when you're going to Joshua Tree, you drive by that area that's like all casinos. There's like a big casino area. And sex hotels. Oh, I maybe missed that. That's like the main thing when you're driving along the Palm Springs Highway. I mean, any hotel is a sex hotel if you're doing it right. They're all exotic lifestyle resorts.

We should mention Brea has a slide whistle at the ready. I'm ready with my slide whistle. Yes. So something I noticed driving past the casinos is that there was a billboard for one of the casinos was opening up a new restaurant. It had one of those very casino-y restaurant names like The Lux or something. Something that gave off a vibe of luxury, decadence, you're on vacation eat at the luxe but the photo that accompanied it was just two grilled chicken breasts that's what white people want i guess people are like oh so much yeah it was like what it's like what you it was like, here's the lunch you have when you know you're getting pizza later.

Come here and have a nice light lunch. I was very. Yeah. I don't know who is coaxed into a decadent restaurant by two grilled chicken rest. But there you go. Were there really no dates involved at all? Because that really is country known for involving dates and things. Date shakes. Date shakes. It's dates and things. Date shakes.

Date shakes. It's the date shakes. Date shakes and sex hotels. That's the only billboards. I can't believe you missed these. I missed the sex hotel, and I'm on the lookout. Your exotic lifestyle can bloom here out in the desert. Can I use my Marriott Bonvoy points at the sex hotels?

Bonvoy, Jordan. Bonvoy. Bonvoy points at the sex hotels? Bonvoy, Jordan. Bonvoy. Bonvoy to you and your lovers. I went out to Palm Springs for a couple nights this past week because it was spring break. And I went out to visit our friend Jim Rayal, the master of Would You Rather. He and his family were in town. And I noticed something interesting about Palm Springs. I hadn't been for a while, which is that there are two groups populating the roads in Palm Springs. One is very fit 60-year-old gay men.

Yeah. And one is people in lifted pickup trucks with Let's Go Brandon bumper stickers. It's very jarring. Because the only groups of people, I was behind for a while a lifted pickup truck. They get along like alligators and ostriches. And I'm not going to tell you which is which. I was behind a lifted pickup truck for a while that had Let's Go Brandon bumper stickers. was behind a lifted pickup truck for a while that had let's go brandon bumper stickers um and it had a license plate frame custom license plate and decals on the side advertising uh its services

as an arborist and i just i just i'm just really interested in this arborist slash Donald Trump enthusiast. This person whose passions are caring for trees, keeping trees healthy, and draining the swamp. And hating gay people. Yeah. The slogan for his business is, don't try and put me in a box. The license plate said DT Swamp.

And then everything else was arborist related. Down to swamp, yes. I thought it was downborist related. Down to Swamp, yes. I thought it was Down to Swamp. I was like, ooh, what kind of move is that? That's a move you find at the sex hotel. Exactly. You ask around at the sex hotel. Is anybody here Down to Swamp?

Bria, why do you have a slide whistle? On our podcast, Reading Glasses, plug, shameless plug. It's a show. It's great. It's a great show. People write in with hot book tips. And then we start making noises. And we're like, hot book tips.

And we have this whole- Hot book tip in the morning with Mallory and Bria. It's a bit. It's a bit, if you will. And then Mallory makes a slide whistle noise, but with her mouth. Do you want to demonstrate it? No. Okay.

I've got to be in the moment. I need to be. Okay. It's hard to. Okay. So maybe we can manufacture that. Oh, good idea. Okay.

Yeah. Let's try. Give me a hot book tip right now. Go. Hot book tip. Oh, pressure. Hey, do you think novels are too long? Hot book tip right now. Go. Hot book tip. Pressure. Hey, do you think novels are too long?

Try a novella. Woo. That was fun. I'm glad we went back. Hot book tip. Hot book tip. All right. Now I'm in the moment.

Now I'm living. Yeah. I can feel it. So then Mallory was like, we should just see if we can get a slide whistle. And so we put one on. As a joke. I said this as a joke. So I put one on our Amazon wish list and someone sent it to us in the mail, which is very nice. I know it's Amazon and, you know, we're not supposed to order from them, but also not Etsy.

I don't know. But anyway. Okay. There's certain items. Listen, I understand if you're out there. I heard that slide whistles are ethically neutral. Ethically neutral. If you get them on Amazon.

Yeah. That's one of those things. I understand you wanting to support your local indie bookstores and things like that. Slide whistle manufacturer. Yeah. There's probably – listen, only certain parts of Portland do you have an artisanal slide whistle guy you can go to. I think it's okay. Certain items.

Let's give it a break. It's because of people like you who go online to order slide whistles that America's small town downtowns don't have gag stores anymore. That's true. Where am I going to get a fly in an ice cube? Some fart powder. Fake vomit. Yeah. Hold on.

Fart powder. in an ice cube some fart powder yeah hold on fart powder i'm thinking i'm remembering a toy store from my youth that had a little like spinner rack of gags yeah fly in an ice cube fart powder but hold the yeah pause pump the brakes pause on the fart powder how are we powdering farts does it induce farts is this a situation like liquid smoke where you think it's an artificial product and then you find out that it's actually liquid smoke? Like, is this actually powdered farts? Yeah, where are they? How are they harvested? Is this ethically harvested?

I wish I had more information. I think it's like a stink bomb. Because we used to buy stink bombs when I was a kid and that was very funny to set one off and it would smell bad. Yeah. That was the funniest thing. The height of comms when you were a child was something smelling bad. What if it was stinky and we walked away and we didn't say what the stink was? Right.

Mallory, as long as we're pumping brakes, I want to pump brakes on the question uh can we get a slide whistle i'm imagining a world mallory where you think there's an application process there's a waiting it's like getting a ps5 to get it well that's why bria has it because i don't have my license yet you're gonna get a class c you gotta get a class c whistle license right you can operate a jaw harp but yeah what if you want to get pulled over with that what if what if a what if a cartoon loses a boner and you make the wrong noise you said you go sure wait now you go and that instead of the down one yeah i love all my all my classic favorite cartoon characters were always losing boners remember when he-man lost his owner that's true

when he-man had a little too much to drink it happens to the best of us that's why you need the slide sure. Sure, yeah. We're talking about going places. Bria, have you gone to a place recently? I was literally this morning. I was in Northern California. I drove back today. I went to, this morning, the Winchester Mystery House, which I'm sure y'all have all visited. No, uh-uh.

I have not. I had never been either. So Jesse and I's college, we're driving to UC Santa Cruz. There were a lot of Winchester Mystery House billboards. It's one of those things I always meant to do, but I never did. It's in the San Jose area, right? Yeah. I think it's in the town of Winchester.

Is that possible? No. That seems likely. Wait, no, because it's named after the gun. Yeah. Okay, so the guy who invented the Winchester rifle was married to this woman named Sarah. I learned all about this today. And he died of tuberculosis.

And also their child died very young, like at six weeks or something. So she was living in, like, eastern United States. And she went and saw a spiritualist. And the spiritualist was like, here's what you got to do. You got to move to the west coast. And you need to build a house and never stop building it and build all sorts of spooky things in it. So these ghosts don't bother you because all the people who are killed by a Winchester rifle are haunting you. And that's why you have this bad luck with your husband and everyone dying.

The spiritualist was like, you have to move to San Jose. It's like the combination of the Bay Area and Orange County that you've always wanted. I will say that that is 100% right. So there's this house that she built for like years and years and it has like 160 rooms or something, but it's right in the middle of the city. I thought it was like out in the country, but it's in the middle of the city. And like, you know, you like open a door. There's a great Panera right next door. There literally is is i ate at the veggie girl right afterwards which you can

walk to um oh yeah i mean you can get a little vg burger it's great um uh and there's like that's why she built it there she was vegan yeah i'm vegan but i love comfort food where can i build my insane person's ghost house you can only eat so many french fries burger it's now you don't have to have salad anymore um and there's all these doors you can open like it's like a door that you open that just goes off the side of a three-story house or like a door that you open up and there's a wall behind it or um there's a seance room in there where only you can only go in there's three doors but you can actually only go in one of them and like and there's just like all crazy shit in there it's like 13 windows and like every room and like it's very creepy and you have to do a tour so

you're in a tour with a lot of other people which is great because there's a lot of kids who just look incredibly bored and like they're in their a lot of kids who just look incredibly bored. And they're middle America parents who are very also bored, but trying to entertain them and like, isn't that cool? She had a seance room. It's good we didn't go to Disneyland. It's good. But my boys and I-

The kids are like, oh, I want to go to the Tech Museum of Innovation. Or a Sharks game. Or a shark's game. Or a shark's game. The two activities of San Jose. It's only an hour long tour, y'all. You can go. It was very fun. But we were there and we were like looking.

My boyfriend and I were looking around at the people there. And so, you know, I make horror movies. We live in this house. It's a little creepy and we keep making it creepier. Like we just bought like some medieval weaponry to put and we keep making it creepier like we just bought like some medieval weaponry to put on the wall like we own like some weird creepy stuff now bria i hope you didn't get that medieval weaponry from amazon because there are artisanal um swordsters is the best name for a blacksmith I've ever heard. Yeah. Some people call them blacksmith.

I call them swordsters. That's when they unionize. Coopers are now called barrel buddies. Anyway, we were looking around. We felt like we were looking for like, uh, decoration tips because we were like, oh, wouldn't it be cool if we had a door that went to nowhere? Yeah, that is cool. You know, everyone else was really freaked out.

Wouldn't it be great if a ghost told us that we could never stop building things? Yeah. It is very cool. I would totally 100% recommend it. I was sure, Bria, that you were going to say, I would totally 100% fuck it. I would totally 100% fuck it. Winchester Mystery House could get it. I'd drain that swamp, if you know what I mean.

Be a real ostrich farm. I don't know if y'all have read Mallory's book, her recent book that came out. But there's a lot of good names for things in that, speaking of swordsters. I feel like she had a lot of good names for things that I had never heard of. And now I can't think of any now that I'm plugging your book. Well, because STR used to be the, if the STR was at the bottom of the, bottom of a word, end of a word, it meant woman.

So a Brewster was a female brewer. So a swordster would be a female sword? Oh. A lady sword, you know. Mallory, you're a bit of a punky Brewster. Am I? I don't know i'm more of a goth brewster yeah sure yeah an industrial brewster dark wave brewster yeah these are all good these are all good um on the topic of eroticism. Yeah, thank you, Jordan.

Now we're all... Typing Orange Julius into Pornhub. Yes. Yes. I have a question. An Orange Julius is a shake? Yeah, I think Orange Julius... It's a creamsicle shake. It's a creamsicle shake?

It's kind of like a proto-smoothie. Like before the smoothie trend, there was a like- But bad for you. Yeah, there's like a less healthy version of a smoothie called an Orange Julius, and it was something we always got at the mall. It was like a mall treat. And it's ice cream and oranges or something? I don't know if it has ice cream in it.

Yeah, it's like orange juice and ice whipped maybe with egg whites or something to make it whippy. Oh, I see. I think you're making it much fancier than they probably do it in Orange Julius. I mean, Orange Juliuses are good. Marion Egg White is found at Orange Julius. Orange Julius was such a childhood treat for me. You know, you go to JCPenney, you try on some pants, and it's fucking boring, and the pants are itchy itchy but it's okay because you're getting a julius for the ride home and did you sleep in the little centers of those

circular things you remember how the pants were always in like a circular oh yeah i was always going in there go in the middle and that was like that was that was also peak comedy along with that like with the fart powder yeah good gag you can put fart powder in that. Put fart powder in there, yeah. You'd be the funniest man alive. And there is one mall in the LA area that I think still has an Orange Julius. They are out of vogue. But I think there's one mall. There's a mall like in Culver City that still has one. And I went on like a special trip to get one.

Not that you've checked. I did check. No, I was. Listen, I'm a Julius head. I'm I'm I'm a Julius stir. Jordan is into Orange Julius. He knows that they're out of Vogue because of that damned Grace Coddington. Edit Vogue editor. That's good. Thanks. And I went on a special trip to get one i'm like all right gonna relive childhood here we go gonna go to jc penny try on some itchy pants make the makeup make a day of this um i got the julius

and it sucked it really sucked yeah i did i was bummed i was i was ready too you know and like there's so many of those mall treats that deliver cinnabon wetzel's pretzels like it's it's that same category of thing and all of those when you get them you're like you know obviously this is a gut bomb but they're really good and i was yeah i didn't finish it it was uh what is a gut bomb well how would you describe that is that diarrhea diarrhea i guess i think of it as just like a treat that makes you feel kind of bad afterwards it makes you feel a little greasy on the inside. And yes, diarrhea.

It's like when you have pancakes for breakfast. Yeah, sure. Yes, exactly. You know when you have pancakes for breakfast, you're like, such a good idea. And then an hour later, you need a nap. You're like, yeah, whoops, it's 11 and I'm mad. The saddest part about diarrhea is that it would be such a pretty name. Yeah, it's really true.

That is the saddest. Think about it. Diarrhea, that's a beautiful name it's certainly not the like millions of people that cholera and stuff kill sure uh it's the saddest part of diarrhea if i was a garbage pail kid and my name would be diarrhea bria yeah oh yeah that's a good point bria thanks bria it's a good way to remember my name. Because I do forget your name sometimes. I'm like, Bria. Oh, not Bria.

Bria rhymes with diarrhea. Diarrhea. Cha-cha-cha. Oh, Jesse, can I tell you another interesting historical fact? Can we listen too, or is it just for Jesse? Yes. Everyone else, block your ears. Including all the listeners.

Everyone in the world, block your ears except for Jesse Thorne. Well, how about this? Unless you're a history buff like me. If you're a history buff like I am if you love history american history world history local history herstory um during women's history month uh then go ahead and listen if you're not interested in history uh plug your ears and go read uh about current events or whatever the fuck it is that you're into. I have a lot of perspective on things. Hey, history buffs, listen up.

Math whizzes, why don't you go marry your calculator? Yeah, exactly. Hello, literature nuts. Sounds like you're doomed to repeat history. Right. Oh, damn. That was a little harsh, man. You know what La Brea means? What does that mean? The tar.

The La Brea tar pits are the tar tar pits. And the tar tar pits, of course, everybody knows those from Empire Strikes Back. Yeah. Those tar tar pits pits real niche la content here on this episode yeah that's kind of what we do now kind of our thing and before aren't julius tarpets alligator farms you know all the good stuff um so you were going to connect this to eroticism i'm so intrigued as to how this is going to work

out thank you and it's going to work perfectly and everybody's going to connect this to eroticism, and I'm so intrigued as to how this is going to work out. Thank you. And it's going to work perfectly, and everybody's going to like it, and the podcast is good. It's a really good podcast, and this is going to be great. Yeah, people like this podcast. It's very successful. Very good. Yeah. A lot of people listen to it.

It's a good show. How long have y'all been doing this podcast? Not too long. Sure. We haven't overstayed our welcome. An appropriate amount of time Did you invent podcasts with this one? Were you the first podcast?

Us and Adam Curry from MTV's Headbangers Ball So I have a question about what's appropriate in the workplace Thanks Jordan Thank you He-Man You shouldn't have had that extra whiskey Thank you. He-Man, you shouldn't have had that extra whiskey. I think that was an up, not a down, but go ahead. Oh, okay.

That's He-Man when he gets his hands on those purple pills. So, okay. So I am working in a job that is all remote there's no in-person aspect to this it's one of these new 2020 jobs yeah and so we're you know it's all it's all zoom it's all slack and and and the like it's all happening two years ago in 2020 in 2020 this is a past job. I haven't worked in years. I'm going to be evicted from my apartment. It's going to be terrible. Okay. How familiar is everyone

with the Alan Thicke hit from 1988, Sweaty and Hot? Intimately. Not at all. Front to back. I don't know. This is a song, I think, and Jesse, correct me if I'm wrong, you're the history buff. Yeah. Me, I'm-

I'm nuts about history. Me, I'm into angles. You're a geometry buff? Just the angle part. Wait, does 1988- No, no. Do you count 1988 as, where do you think history starts, Jesse? Wow.

You know, it's a great question, Bria. For me, history starts jesse wow you know um it's a great question bria for me history starts in the heart history is the friends we make along the way okay yes that's right that's a really good point for me my best friend mr julius season who started the first orange julius that was it exactly yeah he started it after getting jaundice you turn more yellow when you get jaundice he was sick of getting scurvy and he was like how can i get my soldiers to eat more oranges put ice cream in it and how can we get them to try on itchy pants at the mall we need something to get my centurions to get a pair of church pants. Okay. So in 1988, Alan Thicke for, I think, the Crystal Light Aerobics Championship, 1988.

That's correct. That is not a real thing. It is. I read about it in Howard Zinn's The People's History of the United States. What your history teacher didn't tell you. Yeah, about Alan Thicke. And Crystal Light, number one drink of moms. Yeah, so this was some sort of televised event

meant to capitalize off the aerobics craze of the time. It combined Crystal Light, the number one drink of moms, with Alan Thicke, the number one snack of moms. The whole thing made moms thirsty. Let's just put it that way. Let's just put it that way. The whole of and some dads. Thirsty and wet.

Go ahead. Yeah. So there's this kind of amazing opening scene that is a kind of a perennial youtube viral clip there's like a key and peel sketch that's a parody of it it's uh it's it's the greatest thing it's these it's these toned and jacked babes and hunks doing the most ridiculous aerobics but but it's all fucking awesome like it's one of those things like this is so 80s this is so hilarious but also it rules this is how jordan tells us that he's really into aerobics he's like a robe it's one of those things like this is so 80s. This is so hilarious. But also it rules. This is how Jordan tells us that he's really into aerobics. He's like, it's aerobics, guys, but it's so cool.

But also now you guys watch me do aerobics and tell me how cool I look. It's not that jazzercise bullshit. Yeah. Yeah. Jordan has a rivalry with jazzercise. I should fill you guys in on that. jazzercise. I should fill you guys in on that. But the best part of this whole affair is Alan Thicke

comes out and sings an original song called Sweaty and Hot. Brian, just push play on this and let's get a flavor of this. Oh. I just realized who Alan Thicke is. The guy from Growing Pains? Yeah.

For some reason I was picturing Robin Thicke. He's his dad is he really so brian you can hit pause on this so i can't wait to listen to this when i power lift tomorrow this is gonna be my new jam a revelation i had about it the last time i listened to it was that oh if nick lowe or marshall crenshaw sang this this would be the greatest power pop song of all time like if this came out in 1979 greatest power pop song of all time. Like if this came out in 1979, greatest power pop song of all time. We've discussed this on the show before. It's one of the 10 topics.

You've discussed this song on the show before? We have. We don't discuss a variety of things, Bria. It's a shuffling. This, Wario, and Pregnant Sonic, and that's about it. But this song, as i said on the show before yeah fucking legit jam like i sing this song to myself not as a joke because i fuck with this song

in this but do you work out to it do you really fuck with it enough to get into the spirit of the song jesse i mean i prefer to work out my brain at the local historical society but in response to your question yes i bring a pastel colored cassette boombox to the historical society press play and blast this song uh as long with jump for my love by the pointer sisters sure these two songs um mallory you're saying you think this could make the Powerless playlist? Oh, yeah. I'm going to test it out tomorrow. What else is on the Powerless playlist?

Some really embarrassing stuff. Okay. So let's all go around and say our workout playlist song that is bad but also rules. Well, has anyone ever... Have all of you seen the incredible documentary by my favorite man in the world arnold schwarzenegger pumping iron i don't want pumping iron do you really want to call him your favorite man no but i love him he's my problematic fave i wish he was my dad i love him so much he's got those tiny donkeys you wish he was your dad i wish arnold schwarzenegger was

your dad do you wish your mom was his housekeeper i love i know he's so problematic but i love him i have a giant conan flag in my in my gym um but so there this amazing documentary was made pumping iron about bodybuilders in the in the early 80s i think but a lot of people don't know that they made a sequel to it called pumping iron 2 with women and i love it so much and is that the subtitle colon with women i think it's just called pumping iron 2 like the ladies but they have um a really great soundtrack to it and uh my favorite song off of it that one of my favorite people in the documentary does her posing routine to is Live to Win by Fast Forward. And it is so good. You guys should pull it up.

Is this Live number two win? No. Live to. It's the women. Live to win. Brian, pull that up on the Internet because I need to hear this. What is it called? What is the band called?

Fast Forward. Live to win. And if it doesn't make you the band called? Fast Forward. Live to win. And if it doesn't make you, if you feel like you're in a montage, you know. It's Fast Number Forward. I just want there to be a number in this somewhere. I don't know why. Where are the goddamn numerals? While we're going around, Bria, do you have one of these types of songs?

Oh, like a workout song, an embarrassing workout song yeah it's okay i'll say mine yeah you say yours i'm gonna i'll think about this i have a running playlist and there's you know when you're you're you're doing your thing and then you know i shuffle it so i don't know when this this coming but when it comes i i i speed up sonic the hedgehog style blast off i thought you're gonna say it's the sonic the hedgehog song it's the song no it's it's waterloo by abba it's waterloo by oh that's a good one that's not embarrassing great song yeah it is great no it's a little it's a little embarrassed it's embarrassing how hard it pumps me up i think i'm like oh like, oh, I shouldn't. No. Do you know what song really slaps, as the kids say, that I listen to that is embarrassing

is Call Me Maybe. That's a good song. I think we've all- We've all come around to it? I think Call Me Maybe has been rehabbed as a legitimate pop classic. But yes, I understand what you mean. I mean, none of these are as good as Fast Forward. Yeah, Brian, do you have it?

Can you- Play to win. Play to win. Sorry. Play to win. Sorry. Play with a six? Oh, yeah. Don't you feel it already? I do.

I'm going to start lifting right now. I'm going to lift my desk up over my head. I like this album cover. You've got to get to the chorus. Yeah. Come on. It makes me want to do, this is the move I feel like goes with it. Oh yeah, that's good. You want to grab the sides of your head like you can't believe.

I put this on and do pull-ups. It's incredible. Yeah. Okay. Okay, so yeah What I think is great about this song Is that that may be the least Convincing declaration that someone is dangerous So So I have this job We have a Slack channel We don't

We don't Do I get to say a song oh sure yeah we thought you didn't work out by mop oh that's good is that embarrassing what's embarrassing about that i guess i don't know i was just really are you trying to be one of those cool people that names a cool song it's like oh it's so embarrassing. It's not that cool of a song. My guilty pleasure is John Coltrane. You wouldn't have heard of it. On my cheat day, I have chamomile tea. M.O.P. are a yelling rap group from Brooklyn.

And their most famous song is Annie Up. Cold as Ice was also a pretty big hit. And my favorite part about Cold as ice is it samples the chorus of the foreigner song cold as ice. And there's like this, there's this famous rap story that someone asked little fame from MOP. Like, I love this.

I love the song cold as ice. It's crazy that you guys, some yelling rappers from Brooklynoklyn are would be foreigner fans and uh little fame is like just said like nah fuck i'm not a foreigner fan i found that record on the street and bet somebody i could make a hit out of it. Wow. Nice. I feel like foreigners are okay. We don't need to worry about their sales dipping because of this. No, foreigners are not sweating it.

Because they're cold as ice. You know that they are. So at work, the general topic of aerobics came up. And I'm like, ah, what a great chance to introduce everybody to sweaty and hot. Or remind them of sweaty and hot if they've forgotten about it. Yeah, because these people probably need a fucking song to be their song of the year. Yeah, totally. You're doing the good work out there. I work for Pitchfork, I should mention.

And they're going to make the ultimate contrarian move and declare the song of the year a song that was written for the 1988 crystal light uh aerobic championship have y'all sorry i'm gonna you're never gonna finish this story uh it's not it's not great of sweaty being used a term for like oh it doesn't quite work for me or something sweaty is an adjective in like it's like an overworked joke yeah oh yeah it's like trying a little too hard yeah trying a little too hard i had never heard that till in like it's like an overworked joke yeah oh yeah it's like trying a little too hard yeah trying a little too hard i had never heard that till today so it's weird this is coming up interesting also i i have a bit sweaty how do you win at aerobics like that's a you know what with as much as we've talked about this video and everything surrounded

that's never occurred to me to look at how this was a competition and who We've talked about this video and everything surrounding it. This is why you need a historian. I'm asking enough questions. That's never occurred to me to look at how this was a competition and who won. Alan Thicke won, I guess. Yeah. I mean, I think the answer is you do whatever it is that my childhood best friend Pete's mom, Claudia, was up to. She was hella good at that shit. I've seen her do it in her living room while watching VHS cassettes.

There you go. Hey, man, get out of here. So are you outlasting the other aerobics people? Is it like a hands on the heart body situation? Right. Yeah. People are passing out of dehydration. In the end, you get a Volkswagen Golf.

Yeah. Is that the most aerob, you get a Volkswagen Golf. Yeah. Is that the most aerobics car, a Volkswagen Golf? I think probably. Yeah. Hey, audience, tweet Jesse your more aerobics cars. Pontiac Fiero. So I put this in the work chat. Nothing. And I'm like,

is it possible these people don't like sweaty and hot? And then I was like, oh, no. Is it inappropriate to discuss sweaty and hot in a work context it might be oh man do you think do you think that they're trying to cancel the phrase spectacular cardiovascular yeah or cutest little gluteus where he talks about his butt and other muscle groups maybe they just have a different they just maybe a different, they just, maybe they're just not very fun. It could be. They're not very fun.

They're not funny. But I just, what I, listen, it's possible that, No one responded ever? No one ever responded? No, uh-uh,

and I'm afraid that they're being, they're offended that I would bring, Or they're just so busy singing that song to themselves that they haven't been able to go back to work. Or maybe it's like, the kind of thing

they've all seen before so many times that they don't want to, they're like, ugh, not this again. They're just like, over it, okay. This is a little sweaty.

I'm on the school board here in Los Angeles and there have been a lot of people speaking at our meetings about teachers talking about sweaty and hot in the classroom. And their parents should be able to decide when their children are ready to learn about the Alan Thicke song, Sweaty and Hot. Right. be able to decide when their children are ready to learn about the alan thick song sweaty and hot right um did were you do are you are was anyone just and please be honest was anyone secretly

offended when i brought up sweaty and hot did it make anybody uncomfortable or does anybody feel like they're too sweaty at this point too sweaty too hot too hot. I mean, I'm more uncomfortable with the fact that I didn't know that Alan Thicke sang songs. I just thought he was the dad from Growing Pains. Alan Thicke wrote like seven of your favorite television theme songs. What? Name them. Okay, I'm gonna type

in what TV songs did Alan Thicke write? Oh, I saw The Full House House this weekend, too. Whoa. That has a lot of... The Full House House has a lot of doors to nowhere. Dave Coulier is behind all of them.

Yeah. Woof. Okay, let's get into this. Number one, he wrote the Facts of Life theme song. What? Yeah, that's right. Take the good, take the bad. Take them both.

There you have the Facts of Life, which is that Alan Thicke alan thick wrote that shit that's the facts of life referred to in the song facts of life is the fact that alan thick wrote the facts of life song he wrote the fucking different strokes theme song these are like two of the greatest television he wrote the fucking wheel of fortune song what wait so hold on if he did all these things why is he opening up the Crystal Light Aerobics Championships? Why is he not somewhere bigger? That was a celebrity position at the time. That seemed like a big program. Because the man's an entertainer.

Is that the Coachella of the 1980s? I'm sorry. I don't think Wheel of Fortune has a song. I mean, not a song with lyrics. What does Wheel of Fortune have? Fortune! Oh, yeah. He wrote that? Yeah. He wrote that? Yeah.

He just said, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. He got his check. And he wrote the theme song to Hello, Larry. Well. A one-season series about a 44-year-old psychology radio show host who's raising two teenage girls. Well, the problem was not the theme song. We know that.

We can say that for fucking certain so was he a composer or an actor first great question that's a great question i would say simultaneously both yeah he's like you know what he's on set and he's like oh you know it'd be a jam for this show i got it i you know honestly i i stan alan thicke's song for the 1988 Crystal Light Aerobics Championship. I stan Robin Thicke's first album, which is a fucking great sort of pop soul album in the vein of the Jackson 5 or early Stevie Wonder. Fucking great record. I don't know who Robin Thicke is. Oh, you do. That's Alan Thicke's hit song, Son.

Hit Son? His hit Son. Coming in at number one, the hottest birthday cards that he got every year um okay well i think we've i think i feel better about including sweaty and hot in a work context i think it was probably okay um before we go to break i think i've solved this uh lincoln park thing jesse um can you i think i got it so jesse just say like like oh i i um you know i was in yeah i was in i got i got so uh just the other day i headed south from my house uh because i wanted to take my kids around the lake at this beautiful park near my house called Lincoln Park. Oh, is that across the street from Limp Bizkit Rec Center?

There you go. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. The man died, Jordan. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, of Maximum Fun who has supported us lo these many years. You are the juice that juices up our engine. Thank you to all of you. Yeah, we got some fun bonuses coming your way for MaxFunDrive too, so if you're a

member, look out for those bonuses. And if you're not a member, this would be a good year to do it. We got some fun stuff. I'm not going to say what it is, but let's just say it's some very handsome mustachioed content. Let's just, let's leave it there. We'll just leave it there. I think that's enough of it.

It's about Hall of Fame relief pitcher Raleigh Fingers. His famous mustache. Also this week, this podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp. Jordan, you know, I get migraine headaches. You know about this? I do. You've mentioned it. One of the things that creates, that triggers migraine headaches is stress. Yes. And one of the things that I have learned through therapy is ways, techniques, concrete ways

to help manage my stress levels. And in fact, I would argue that therapy in and of itself, outside of those sort of concrete techniques, CBT, which is cock and ball torture, outside of those techniques, the act of going to therapy in and of itself is a stress relief for me. Yeah, it's definitely such a great thing to do in the middle of a stressful week. Yeah, like you said, Jesse, sometimes you're learning a great technique from your therapist, or sometimes it just feels good to get all that gunk off your chest with a professional. There are so many ways to get therapy. We encourage you to get them in one of those many ways,

whether it's in person or a community clinic. There are many, many ways to get therapy. BetterHelp is one of them. BetterHelp is customized online therapy that offers video phone and even live chat sessions with your therapist. You don't even have to look at your therapist if you don't want to. You can just tap, tap, tap it on into that computer. It is relatively affordable compared to a lot of in-person therapy, and it is easy to access. Give it a try. See if it helps lower your stress. Jordan, Jesse, Go! listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash JJ go. That's B E T T E R H E L P.com slash JJ go. We're also supported this week by the good folks at magic spoon. Now anybody who's listened to this show knows that Jordan

and I are locked in an eternal combat. A struggle. Yes. A struggle. No one can win. I like peanut butter magic spoon. That's my favorite. Cause I like that. It's got a little bit of a, it's got a little like a,

a hint of saltiness. Like I like that. It is a more, it's sweet uh but it's also got a little edge of something savory seems like the wrong word because it makes it sound like i'm eating a meaty cereal uh yeah there are no meat cereals available at magic spoon but there are a lot of other great flavors i mean maybe in the future maybe hey i don't know listen we're not we're here to tell you about the product we're not here to do r and d for them they're innovative they got cookies and cream now they got maple waffle now they got blueberry they reformulated

the honey nut jesse just got added to the permanent collection i did it i did it you know what i did what'd you do that just pivotal moment in any podcaster's career where they use their own promo code. Uh-huh. Magic Spoon, you know, sometimes they give us a little taste. Sometimes they give us a little taste so we can, you know, talk about the product in an authentic way. Yeah. But sometimes you eat all that taste and you just want more tastes. Yeah.

So I did it. I went online this week and used my own promo code to get me a custom box of Magic Spoon. Here's what I did. I got a peanut butter. I got a cocoa. I got a cookies and cream. And part of the thing that motivated me to use my own promo code was I'm like, I got to try that blueberry. I got to try the blueberry. I haven't tried it yet.

I'm excited about the blueberry. How is the blue? I haven't tried it yet. I'm excited about the blueberry. How is the blueb? I haven't had it yet. It's on its way. I'm tracking the package as we speak. You went to magicspoon.com slash JJ Go to create the custom bundle of cereal? Yeah.

And our listeners, they can go to magicspoon.com slash JJ Go to grab a custom bundle of cereal. And they can be sure to use our promo code JJGO at checkout to save $5 off your order. Magic Spoon is so confident in their product, it's backed with a 100% happiness guarantee. Again, that's magicspoon.com slash JJGO

and use the code JJGO to save $5 off. Thank you, Magic Spoon, for sponsoring this episode. Remember, Magic Spoon is the only breakfast cereal that my child Frankie calls Magic Poon. Because of a mild speech delay, Jordan. Yeah, not being gross. No, it's not disgusting. We also have a message up on the Jumbotron. Do you need a new podcast to fill the emptiness?

Then Celebrate the Date is the show for you. Celebrate the Date is a weekly comedy podcast hosted by siblings Katie and Colton Pratt. They find a holiday for every day of the upcoming week and tell you how to celebrate them. Every week they celebrate five national holidays and do an audience

requested celebration. If you like parties, holidays, and sibling banter, then check out Celebrate the Date. They would love it if you gave them a listen. Wink. Wink emoji. It

ended with a... What's that called when it's not an emoji? What is it called when it's the... Emoticon, maybe? Emoticon. Gave it a it's emoticon maybe emoticon gave a little wink emoticon it's fun you know what that means what the little wink emoticon sex yeah it's a podcast you could fuck we think prattpodcast.com slash celebrate or search celebrate the date wherever you get your podcasts look you got a message to share with the jordan jesse go audience and you're a message to share with the Jordan Jesse Go audience

and you're a Jordan Jesse Go listener. Go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. It's a hundred bucks to share your personal message. 200 bucks for your commercial message. Look, we're not getting rich off this. No. We're getting rich from our oil fields and from saving so much money on Magic Spoon.

That's the two things. I mean, that's what, if you read one of those subreddits that's about like how to retire at 35 or whatever, it says, number one, save $5 on Magic Spoon by going to magicspoon.com slash JJ Go and using the code JJ Go.

Number two, invest the savings in oil fields. Right. You're going to want Derrick's too. Stonks perhaps. Maybe stonks are involved. Maybe get some oil stonks. Is that something? We don't know.

I don't... Or just an oily stonk. I don't want to retire. What would I do with myself? Yeah. You know what I would do? Hmm. Darning.

Oh, that sounds nice. Well, like if I got holes in my socks. But honestly, I'm doing that already to save money so I can retire. That's great. Yeah. Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. God knows what's happening now. socks but honestly i'm doing that already to save money so i can retire that's great yeah okay we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go god knows what's happening now what are we even talking about it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy Love you, love you, love you become a Cinnabonster? I feel like that's a step down.

Oh, is there a hierarchy at the mall food court? Oh, I wonder. Yeah, I wonder what is the, what's the prime? Well, okay, I bet at a, if the mall has like some sit-down places, like a P.F. Chang's or a Cheesecake Factory. Oh, obviously, yeah. I bet those fuckers rule the roost.

Yeah. You get out of the way when the host or hostess from the P.F. Chang's is coming through the break room. Hoster, if you will. The hoster. And yeah, and then I bet the stalls in the food court are next, like a Sbarro or whatever their version of the like styrofoam chinese styrofoam container chinese places and then the carts then like a wetzel's pretzels or anything that's on a that's relegated to a cart are definitely bottom barrel they're the ones who were like trying to hand things out as you're walking by and you have to pretend that you

didn't hear them right and at the very bottom is Dippin' Dots. Yeah. The scum of the earth. Because they've been around. They've been the future of ice cream for entirely too long. The future done came and went. Yeah. And they are still claiming to be the future.

Oh, I saw the best tweet that was like, this can't be the future that Dippin' Dots promised us. We can't be living in the world that Dippin' Dots was the future. Is Dippin' Dots responsible for this hellscape dumpster fire? Maybe. Maybe there's an alternate universe where they don't have Dippin' Dots, but everything is better. Or we just have Dippin' Dots because they became the future. Because the thing is, they just never caught on. It's an alternate. The Dippin' Dots are from another plane of the multiverse yeah and

somebody came to this someone came to this one and they were like okay okay i know how to become a millionaire in this one i'm gonna put dip and dots out and they thought that was gonna really make it make a break i feel like the dip and dots people are not sweating it whoever invented dip and dots is in a fucking big ass pool right now doing the backstroke you really think so and there's a and by by the pool there's a giant freezer i'll give you my evidence for this when my wife was a child is this the story about the uh it's it's freezer yeah because it's all i think about we have five stories we have five stories jordan jesse my wife was a child her grandfather was a judge and he was in a country club It's all I think about, Jordan. We have five stories. Jordan, Jesse, go ahead.

My wife was a child. Her grandfather was a judge, and he was in a country club. And one of his country club friends was the guy who invented Itzitz or owned Itzitz. I don't think he invented Itzitz. I don't know what that is. It's a frozen confection. Okay. And it's a regional.

It's like the middle 20 minutes of the show every week. Yeah. Okay. Like after, starts around 25, this story happens. The Izzet portion of the show is like the ice cream between the oatmeal cookies of an Izzet. Oh. And this grandfather had a friend who was the Izzet man and he had a pool at his house so that everyone was allowed to go to his house to swim in the pool and by the pool there was a freezer that was always full of

it's it's it's just the all i want in the world is salt because that's it it's just all i want in the world is a pool and then there's a freezer that's completely full of it's it's that's all but your freezer would be full of like podcasts or something folks are you ready to learn some stuff about dip and dots yes yes thank you so in the late 1980s a man named kurt jones invented dip and dots when he was working in a kentucky lab working with animal feed oh he was using liquid nitrogen to flash freeze it and wondered if he could reinvigorate his favorite dessert and he tried it out and made dip and dots but a few years ago he doesn't work at dip and dots anymore because there was a punishing lawsuit and he

was forced to walk away oh my gosh for what what what was he i'm not saying anymore i'm writing the dip and dots can you beat the hot cheetos movie to theaters oh i love cheetos bria should we tell them about the greatest invention that we got specifically for eating hot Cheetos? This is another thing from our Amazon wish list. I should go grab them. They're called Snacktive. And they're basically chopsticks that go in between your fingers. And if you're making a cutting motion as if your fingers were scissors.

Oh, I've seen these. They've advertised you on Instagram, I'm sure. They are life changing. What do you do with them? You can read a book so that your fingers don't get covered in Cheeto dust. Or whatever you're eating. It doesn't have to be Cheetos. Yeah.

Your books are full of Cheeto dust? You don't get book germs on your peanuts. Either one. Filthy book germs. You're reading books with your peanuts, Jordan? Oh, I'm reading sorry collections of the comic strip peanuts that's what i got i got them at the book fair something we investigate very very thoroughly on reading glasses is the best types of foods that don't leave residue on

your fingers but i love flaming hot cheetos it's one of my favorite snacks and it is a notorious dust lever on your fingers very bad for reading until I got these snacktive chopsticks, and now my life has changed. It does sound good. I use them earlier today. I use them every day of my life. I learned on Twitter today that you guys are familiar with Dairy Queen. Yes, of course.

The DQ, sure. They've signed a deal with Major League Baseball. So not only are their famous signature stack burgers the official burger of Major League Baseball. So not only are their famous signature stack burgers the official burger of Major League Baseball, but I learned from the press release that the DQ Blizzard treat is now the official treat of Major League Baseball. Oh, yeah.

Fuck off, McFlurry. Official treat. Major League Baseball can have it as a treat. It's like a little bit of salami. I want to be an official treat. Major League Baseball can have it as a treat. It's like a little bit of salami. I want to be an official treat. DQ Blizzard Treat is the official name of that product. We have calls to get to, but I just want to

circle back and applaud Mallory for Multiverse. I don't think it got enough. I feel like Multiverse is very good. It immediately made me think of a universe of malts. Oh, yeah, sure. Malt shops.

A very wholesome kind of 1950s universe. Where David Lynch lives. Where David Lynch lives. Ooh, but there's a seedy underbelly. Ooh, it looks like white picket fences. But no, no, no. I go to the regular grocery store sometimes. Because usually I'm shopping at Trader Joe's or whatever.

But sometimes I'll go to the regular grocery store and it's because I need to buy grape nuts, sell of grape nuts and malted. Have you ever had grape nut ice cream? I've heard that's a Northeastern treat. Yeah, Boston area. It sounds great to me. Is it like mixed into the ice cream?

Yeah. I mean, if you hate your teeth, it is the best thing to eat. But I'll go to the regular grocery store. I will buy grape nuts and I will buy malted milk powder. I love malted. It is so good to me. I love it. I love it.

Do you ever put it in with the cereal so you can have malted milk with your grape nuts? My gracious, that sounds tremendous. Sold in the room, Mallory. This is why you're the author of girly drinks. Because you're a certified mixologist. Mixologist-er, thank you. Okay, fair enough. When something momentous happens to you, we ask you to call us 206-984-4FUN.

Or just send us a voice memo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. Here's a person who's done that, according to Brian, who prez's play on the call at this time now. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, Goe, and future presidential candidate Griffin McElroy. Close. She's been from outside of Philly, and I'm calling with my momentous occasion that I just got my student loans forgiven. So that's pretty awesome for me.

All I had to do was work for the government for ten years, but this is the most I'll ever make in one day, so that's pretty awesome. I also missed calling from the other week, and I saw a helicopter crash. I at first thought I watched people die, but it turned out everybody was okay. And nobody really got hurt at all.

But I did see a helicopter crash, which was kind of cool. All right. Love you. Bye. Love you, too. Do you think when they send you one of those musical cards, you are forgiven, no that's why i can't believe he's not connecting these things they're like oh no he saw the helicopter crash

quick forgive his student loans it was a black helicopter right wait what was the song i don't i don't what's the i don't know what the song's from. Isn't that The Who or something? I think it's The Who. Yeah, with their famous song about helicopter crashes. Or student loans. Or student loans. You know, the two most popular subjects for songs. Won't get loaned again.

Yeah, it's The Who. A quick one while he's away. Famous Who song from The Kids Are Alright. That's fine. You got that right. Thank God. I only know like four white people songs it's that and cold as ice by foreigner found that on the sidewalk under with a mix that just

songs white people oh no it's just the rushmore soundtrack let's take another call hi jordan jesse brian and um janet varney maybe this is seth going from london um with an entry to uh i know it's been a while but um bike sites um so i'm just walking to the dog that i dog sits house and uh this guy zips past me in the park on his bike in those couple of seconds before I saw the back of his bike which we'll come back to I sort of thought come on guy like there's loads of bike paths in the area that I live in and it's not a busy traffic time of day like why are you zipping through the park running over pedestrians this kind of thing but then i did see the back of his bike

and uh right below the tail light um there's a pair of uh bike nuts like truck nuts but on a bike um look like a sort of like silicone attachment that you stretch over the bike light and then you know they're there being bike nuts um so you know obviously this was a a special man and i shouldn't have been offended by he had business to do, bike nut business. So yeah, bike nuts. There it is. There it is. Should I tell you guys what my first thought about this was? Thank you for the call, Seth.

I love you too. That it was referred to as the dog's house. That's what I was really excited about. No people live there. This dog lives all by itself like a like a cartoon the dog the dog was willed a house someone died and left this dog a house my first honest thought about this was just like why would you listen to our show in another country like your country has shows and they're probably good shows that people like.

You know what I mean? I can understand how someone in America, our country, would, whatever, you know, get confused and think there's not other podcasts. Or whatever reason it is that someone would end up listening to this show in America. But in a foreign country it's one step too far i think it's might be a situation where like you hear about how popular the simpsons is in other countries like how popular the simpsons is in south america because it's got this other layer where it's funny to them but also it makes them feel superior because it's a show about how dumb america is right so maybe it's just and people are listening to this for jingoistic reasons

right do you think that in soviet russia while people were standing in line for bread or whatever uh they would play jordan jesse go to remind people of how bad it is in capitalist countries. Right, exactly. They have the freedom to do this. So my second book, Early Drinks, is coming out in the UK this summer, and I was asked to do some edits so they can make an English translation.

And there were several things that I had to explain because they don't have them in England. And the list was medieval times, tube socks, Old Spice, Natty Ice, and Everclear. And I was like, I am so embarrassed of my country that these are the things that are like American things that I must explain. I mean, to be fair to us, we don't believe that God chose someone to be the boss of us. I'm surprised that England does not have medieval times. Yeah, it's set in England, isn't it? Although I guess it's exciting when you're in England.

It's not as exciting to be in a castle. You're like, I live in a castle myself. It's exciting for everyone to be in a castle, I think. Most people in England already live in a castle.

That's what I'm saying. I don't think it's very, very exciting for them. It was very, very embarrassing to have to explain what medieval times is. It's also true of Wales.

They hate medieval times? No, they mostly live in castles. Well, there's only like five people in Wales and then like 400 sheep. And also in England and Wales, they always eat roast chickens with their hands. Yeah. You don't have forks yet. Do y'all have, see, you don't have a lot of overseas listeners? I think we have. I think we have

an outsized number of Canadians. This is all just circumstantial. I don't look at the numbers. We don't have direct. Don't care for them. I'm an angles guy. The first rule of Jordan and Jesse goes, do not look directly at the numbers.

Sure. Unless you get to a pinhole that you poke in a shoe box reject them on a wall um so yeah i think we probably have an outsized number of canadians and i think that we uh maybe have a little pocket of australians that's just these are just circumstantial guesses we're sort of like we're sort of like maria bam or Arj Barker in that while we get by here in the United States, we're fucking legends in Melbourne. Priya, were you going to say, do you have a sense of maybe where your non-America listeners are? I think it's the UK and Australia. So our engineer is Australian who helps out on our show.

And the other day we were on a text chain and his text he wrote to us said, don't worry, I'll figure it out. But it changed the word out to outback. And then he said that. Bria immediately was like, is your phone being trolled? Is your phone trolling you? I could not stop laughing. And he was like, is your phone being – Is your phone trolling you? I could not stop laughing. And he was like, sorry, I don't know why that happened. And I'm like, well, we know why it happened.

It changed – I was trying to type back, but it autocorrected to Bloomin' Onion. The other day, speaking of the four things that we talk about on Jordan, Jesse, Go, the other day I interviewed Claudia O'Doherty for – the very funny claudia o'doherty for bullseye past jordan jesse go cast claudia o'doherty and um uh she was great she's fucking hilarious and uh she's australian and i jokingly asked her if she knew yahoo sirius the star of the australian star of young einstein and you know this is just uh you know the premise of this is just that that's the only thing i know about the australian entertainment industry is is yahoo serious the star of young einstein and um anyway moral of the story is um yes her family is very close friends the star of young einstein he was over at their house a lot when she was a kid

uh when he got divorced uh his family remained much closer with his wife than with him um now ex-wife i think uh but she does she could email yahoo serious at any time if she wanted to so there's that i mean i'm so that and and i guess tim tams it's australia claudio doherty yahoo serious tim tam what's a tim tam it's a kind of cookie that greg barrett talks about a lot when he's in Australia. And you do a Tim Tam slam where you get the cookie, you bite the top off, bite the bottom off, and then suck tea up

through the hole in the middle and then you eat it. Last time I did a Tim Tam slam, I also drained the swamp, if you know what I mean. I'm on my way to Palm Springs. There it is! 206-984-4FUN. JJGo at MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica.

Look, it's a rough world out there, especially lately. I get it. So let's take care of our minds as best we can. I'm Jon Moe, host of Depression Mode with John Moe. Every week, I talk with comedians, actors, writers, musicians, doctors, therapists, and everyday folks about the obstacles that our world and our brains throw in front of us. Depression, anxiety, traumatic stress, all those mental health challenges that are way more common and more treatable than you might think. The first time I went to therapy, I was so ashamed.

And I was like, I can't believe I got to go in there. Like, I thought I could be a man. And Humphrey Bogart was never in therapy. And then my dad said, yeah, but he smoked a carton of cigarettes a day. Give your mind a break. Give yourself a break. And join me for Depressed Mode with Jon Moe. Mode with John Moe. We've got some great episodes and amazing thank you gifts in store. And who knows, maybe a few surprises.

So make sure to tune in starting Monday, April 25th to get all the juicy details on what each show has in store. anyway? And why are they juicy? That's kind of a strange adjective to describe the details. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Bria Grant, Orange Julius, star? What did I say? Yeah, you got it. And I'm Mallory O'Mara, Dippin' Dots historian. Can I share with you guys this picture of the ostrich

farm? Oh, yeah. Please do. What I'm doing is I'm typing into a web search Los Angeles ostrich farm chariot. Mm-hmm. Um, and that has revealed the picture.

Jesse has a new dream, by the way. First, first result on this is this. Okay. I'm going to, I'm going to put this into our chat. And I just like the,

my main thing right now is just, I want to ride on this chariot. It just seems like a really cool. Wow. This looks great. Well, you know ostriches can go almost 40 miles an hour. She could conceivably take it on the freeway. So for a hot minute in the 90s, so I'm from East Texas, and for a hot minute in the 90s, they were raising ostriches.

A lot of farms had ostriches like a lot of farms would had ostriches i don't know why i think it was for meat well i was just gonna say as a kid growing up in massachusetts i remember at the mark or excuse me market basket they would sell ostrich steaks yeah and i would always be like wow that's real fucked up i think they were supposed to be like more i don't know think they were supposed to be like more, I don't know what they were supposed to be. Mean? I know one of the reasons

they had to shut down the swamps because they were too mean. Oh no. They were too mean and they would attack people. That was, because I remember I did, I do remember buying

a package of ostrich steaks and the slogan is the steak that can kick you to death. Wow, this little girl writing, a package of ostrich steaks. And the slogan is the steak that can kick you to death. Wow. This little girl riding that. So there's this little girl riding this alligator. Wow.

It has a little what looks to be a belt around its jaws. Yeah. That does not seem strong enough. I don't have kids, but I would assume don't put them there.

Actually. Well, let me tell you, it's very, very easy. not seem strong enough i don't have kids but i would assume don't put them there actually well let me tell you it's very very easy so um alligators have a lot of i i went to school for animal science before i became an author uh alligators have very weak jaw opening muscles they have very strong jaw closing muscles so if you're ever getting if you're trying to drain the swamp and you come across an alligator, just hold their mouths closed. I'm not holding anything's mouths closed. Even if it's an alligator trying to eat you. I've read that same thing and I just don't believe it because I'm just like, that's alligator propaganda. Did an alligator write this? And if they're holding their mouths closed, how are they going to speak their truth?

How are they going to bravely speak their truth alligators like just hold it closed just get really close put your little tiny those beautiful little skin sacks right close to my mouth hold it closed it shouldn't be a problem if you're strong it's easier to hold it closed if you rub barbecue sauce on your hands. Mallory, I feel like you are offended by the idea that they have such, as a power lifter, you know about working oppositional muscle groups. You know that there's nothing worse than having weak opening muscles and strong closing muscles. You got to work both groups. They're not working hard enough.

I feel, yeah. So some of these photos of the alligator farm, there's a woman, there's a small girl riding an alligator and then there's like a baby. There's like a baby that seems to be unsupervised, just standing by a pile of alligators. Yeah. The alligators are pointing at this. It's a toddler, Jordan. Okay.

I mean, you can see the child toddling here. Well, maybe. It's going to toddle right into those alligators. Yeah. It's toddling right to the jaws. There's two alligators off to one side who do appear to be fucking, but the rest of the alligators are pointed like a laser at this toddler. Yeah. And the toddler's looking at them like- So they need to put their cloacas together. Oh, that's true. That sounds beautiful. Yeah. And the toddler's looking at them like... have cloacas, so they need to put their cloacas together.

Oh. That's true. That sounds beautiful. Yeah. I think, yeah, I guess just in the olden times it was just so hard to keep a kid alive anyway

that you're just like, yeah, whatever. Like, take him to the alligator farm. Point some gators at him and see what happens. Yeah. Yeah, this seems like

an incredibly dangerous photo. I mean, the gators have to be faster than the toddler can talk yeah well because the toddler is not even steady on her feet no she looks they're not called steadiers this could tell a very different story what if this is a very powerful toddler what if this toddler is the emperor of the alligators and we're seeing something really beautiful here so they're all pointed at the toddler reverentially.

They're listening to the toddler. They believe God gave this toddler the power to rule over them. We are having so many good ideas for stop motion movies directed by Wes Anderson. Hopefully he's listening. He only listens to podcasts that come out of music boxes.

Bria and Mallory, of course, Jordan, host Reading Glasses, a show about books and reading, reading culture, reading practices, reading advice, reading technological aids, different shit you can get for free from libraries. This is actually a great sum up of our show. Snack apparatuses. Important stuff. Should we close with book recommendations? That would be great. Yeah, I would love to hear what y'all are reading that you like a lot. Mallory, why don't you start?

What's something that you've read recently that you would recommend to Jordan Jessico's listeners? I just read a five-star banger called The Cartographers by Peng Shepard. It is a new sort of literary fantasy book about this woman and her. She comes from a line of cartographers. Her father and her mother were both famous cartographers. She is a cartographer, but her mother has disappeared when she was a kid. Her and her father have had a rift and are no longer speaking. It's one of those books where, like, her father gets murdered and then it unlocks some really wild mystery that has been going on that involves there's something called phantom and phantom encampments or phantom phantom

settlements where different map companies sometimes will put a fake town on their map so they know that if that fake town that doesn't exist shows up on another company's map that they copied it and in this book's universe uh they the main character of this book uh ends up getting entangled with this sort of mystery around a phantom settlement that actually is real you can only go there if you have the special map that gets you to this uh phantom settlement it is so i was in a really bad as we call a book slump on reading glasses i was having a really hard time getting into books in this book i mean i i took half the day off work to finish it i mean

i just could not put it down so wicked wicked good five stars what are you reading but weirdly now it feels like our show but weirdly taking off work as she just took time off of reading other books to read that book um a book i could recommend uh to the jordan jesse go listeners um i am still listening to i haven't finished, but I feel like I can recommend it to the new Chuck Klosterman book about the 90s. It's called The 90s. And I feel like all the historians would love it. Yeah.

I'll tell you this, Bria. I loved it. And Chuck Klosterman's on the most recent episode of Bullseye as we record this, discussing his new book, The 90s. Wow. Oh, I would love to listen to it. It's very good.

It was very informative. I grew up in the 90s, so there was a lot of things that were really things that I think about a lot, differences between people who were teenagers in the 90s versus those who are teenagers now, but also just a lot about things that I think, like selling out something we

don't talk about anymore but in the 90s was the most important thing that you could not do um yeah that and dipping dots that and dipping dots the most important thing but uh yeah it's really great if you like history i think it's a fascinating anthropological study of the 90s mostly through pop culture but through other stuff too. Closer, I mean, good dude, great writer. Yeah. Never sold out. Never sold out.

What are y'all reading? Jesse, you have one? Yeah, well, I got one that I'm reading right now and I got one that I saw at a garage sale today and thought about how great it is. The one I'm reading right now is this guy called Dan Charnas. Who's he wrote the, one of the best books about hip hop history, this book called the big payback about the history of,

of the business of hip hop and money in hip hop. That is just a general great hip hop history. And he has this new book called Dilla Time that's about J.D., J. Dilla, the legendary hip-hop producer who passed away maybe 10 years ago from lupus. And J.D. is like this really formative figure and really transformative figure in hip-hop.

His productions were profoundly innovative and are revered by producers. And it's kind of a history of both his life and the way his music kind of changed hip-hop and its roots. It's really great. And then the book that I saw at a garage sale today that I've just been thinking about how great it is is this book by this woman named cheryl mendelsohn called home comforts have any of you guys read this book home comforts no brian is nodding his head he knows about fucking home comforts home comforts is this book about housekeeping and it is it is in part like an encyclopedia or a how-to guide a tips from heloise kind of thing about what to do when you get orange juice on a white shirt or whatever um but it is also just like

an inspirational book about having a nice house i love that That is so like, it is like inspirational lifestyle content that also feels completely accessible. Like for somebody that has written an entire book about doing laundry and whatnot, like the level of like pleasantness and comfort that you get from reading this book is truly extraordinary. On the one hand, you can look up anything you want to do. On the other hand, you can also just kind of read it from cover to cover like a novel and just feel inspired to have a comfortable, welcoming, clean, happy home. And it is such, I bought like, I looked it up to make sure I wouldn't mess up anything about the title or anything. And I see that I've bought it on a popular book vending website five times. Well, well, well.

Five times. Huh. And that website is independent bookstore in my neighborhood dot com uh huh thank you very much I happen to be a member of independent bookstore in my neighborhood

dot com prime and I really enjoy their video streaming service as well because it's it's got antiques road trip which i like to watch what what have you been reading jordan one of my favorite parts of your instagram jordan is that you'll you'll post you'll post books that you've read recently that you like and you're you're a much bigger reader than i so i always value your rex i uh and also hate i hate engagement

yeah online engagement you want if you really want to want to nosedive your engagement book recs i think there are people who do a good job recommending books online um yeah you're talking to two of them yeah i'm sure your guys's book recs do well um nobody's coming to this guy for a book rec though i like to do it though it's really fun um i just finished a great one called, I just finished a great graphic novel called Far Sector that I think everyone would love. It is by N.K. Jemisin.

Yeah, who I had not heard of, and now I want to read all of her books. It's really, really great. And the artist by Jamal Campbell, whose DC Comics work you probably know uh it is a green lantern thing but you don't need to know jack squat about dc i know like getting into a dc comic can be like uh a daunting prospect because they're so continuity gunky this is but it's part of an imprint it's part of young animal yeah which i also this is the first young animal thing i've

ever read um and i totally want to read more because this was so great. It is a space murder mystery set on a world where there has not been a murder in 500 years. So this is the first murder. And this kind of all new Green Lantern has to solve it. And it's just really great. The art's beautiful. It's got that kind of complicated, it it's these kind of complicated futurey jack kirby kind of cities and just the writing is terrific it's very funny it has uh it has some

social issues stuff but that doesn't attract from the fun it's still like a blast and uh yeah it's really great i think it would be if you love dc comics you'll love it but also if you're a like i read one comic a year person, this is it. This is the one to get. Fun fact, Jordan, about N.K. Jamerson. She's cousins with past Jordan Jesse Go guest W. Kamau Bell. Really? What? Oh, my gosh.

Yeah. They're cousins. And they're, like, special cousins, too. They're, like, special play cousins. Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. What fun. Can you elaborate on the term special cousins for me?

They're play cousins. They were, like, cousins that were close. They were cousins that had a childhood relationship with each other. Not the kind of cousins that you can't remember the name of their spouse. But yeah, I recommend it. I think it's great for comics readers and occasional comics readers. Well, there you go. Books.

We love them because we are readers. Am I right? First and foremost. Well, look, once in a while we watch a documentary on Netflix. Well, yeah. Mostly we like reading. If I'm really feeling sleazy, like a little guilty pleasure, I turn on a little Charlie Parker

or some of the sleazier Mozart. I know. Sleazy Mozart is a great term. That feels like an improv group name. Oh, yeah. Sleazy Mozart. Bria and Mallory are the co-hosts of the Max Fun Podcast. Reading Glass is such a great show.

So fun. Really encompasses the entire world of books and reading. Bria and Mallory are both big literature fans and big genre literature fans. literature fans and a big genre literature fans and, um, really find all of the ways to enjoy books and reading, um, very democratic program. And,

uh, also, you know, they will cover things that you put between your fingers so you can eat hot Cheetos. It's one of our most popular episodes. Yeah. Uh, so go listen to reading glasses our theme music is love you by the free design courtesy of the free

design and light in the attic records our producer is brian sunny d fernandez valerie moffitt is on the stream uh you can find that on the max fun youtube channel go subscribe to that youtube channel and you will catch the notifications when we are recording. You can watch us do so live. You can find us on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com. You can find us on Twitter at Jordan underscore Morris at Jesse Thorne. You can find us on Instagram at Jordan David Morris and at put.this.on. And I think that's about it. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. I'll hug you and kiss you and love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.