Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 735: King of Rears with Niccole Thurman

Episode Date: April 25, 2022

Niccole Thurman (Jellystone!, Baking It) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of the wide array of storefronts Jesse can see from the front door of his physical therapist in Burbank, Niccole's cruise indulgences, popular butt songs, and the unbelievable  rules of Deuteronomy.  Also: this episode is our last one before MaxFunDrive – there is a Drive episode COMING SOON!! Go to MaximumFun.org/join to check it all out! 

Hey, Jordan, Jesse, go listeners. It's Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hey, if you're within the sound of our voice right now, that means you're listening to this episode during the Max Fun Drive. Now, technically, this is a pre-Max Fun Drive episode, and we'll have Max Fun Drive episodes this week and next. But that doesn't mean that you can't become a member of Maximum Fun right now. Yeah, head on over to MaximumFun.org slash join and throw Max Fun a couple of bucks to stay in business. And you'll get a ton of cool bonus episodes, including our review of the Burt Reynolds kind of classic white lightning that we did with Dan McCoy from the Flophouse. classic white lightning that we did with dan mccoy from the flop house and hey if we get over uh 2 000 new and upgrading members we will do a special uh follow-up bonus episode with the

burt reynolds maybe a little bit more classic but not really gator so and look i'm not gonna sit here and tell you that if we blow past the goal we're not going to give you more of that sweet boo ren bond con that's burt reddell's bonus content yeah we know we know why y'all are in it are in this uh for all that sweet sweet burt so head on over to maximumfund.org join it's how we keep the lights on uh here at maximum fun and uh there's a bunch of cool bonus stuff you can get for donating, too. So go ahead and check that out. Maximumfun.org slash join. Okay. Enjoy this show with Nicole Thurman.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, sex and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart, Jordan Morris, a proud bird uncle.

Um, this is new Jordan. You've always been ashamed of that bird niece of yours. Well, she just made student of the month. So, and I got a bumper sticker. She's really, she's really gotten her shit together.

Got off the Klonopin. That was a huge step. Wow. Yeah. The Klonopin. Stopped listening to so much rock music. Oh, boy. This stuff.

Have you heard this stuff? I mean, rock music. Oh, God. Let me tell you this, Jordan. I've been listening to a lot of this rock music you wouldn't believe these lyrics yeah it's pure drivel yeah i mean don't even get me started on rock music but she's she's she's put it behind her she's working hard this bird what is this bird that i had a i had a lovely springtime surprise the other day outside my window outside my like office window little nest three baby birdies and i saw a mom

bird i presume it was the mom bird um have well I don't know. There's a lot of... I mean, there's equity in bird households. Yeah, I do think this... I'll get to the species in a minute, because I did look it up. But I think this species does have co-parenting. So one of the bird parents, I should say, landed on the edge of the nest

with a wiggling worm in its mouth and gave it to the babies. Holy cow. to the nest with a wiggling worm in its mouth and gave it to the babies that holy cow have you ever heard of more classic bird shit than that that is so classic bird that is that is i didn't even know that happened that's what you dream of if you're talking about birds yes and we are you're talking about birds. Yes. And we are. You're talking about a little nest. You're talking about three hungry babies. Yeah. You're talking about a parent bird. And guess what that parent bird has?

A wriggling worm. A wriggling worm. Put it right into that cheapen baby's mouth. Cheep, cheep, cheep. And I'm in heaven watching this stuff. Oh my, you must have been so hard. Now listen, don't make this sexual I'm just appreciating the spring and new life

We don't have to make it a sexual thing Not sexually just intellectually Yes I was intellectually hard You must have had You must have had A seasonal Emotional Tumescence

That words cannot describe you must be delighted you must have been your your sense of the majesty of god's creation must have been engorged been engorged just entire like a like a clown's balloon yes that's how i would yes that's a great way to describe it and then i twist right before he turns it into a doggy um i went to i was i was kind of looking up what this what this bird family is i went to arroyoseco.org slash birds. Perfect website for that. I mean, you live right there on the Arroyo in Pasadena. Yes, if the listeners all want to go to arroyoseco.org slash birds, you'll find a lot of great information

about there, about local wildlife. So these are northern mockingbirds. And you know, they're native. You know what they're mocking? Huh? Southern mockingbirds right yes uh they're they're mocking the patriarchy i should hope oh yeah well with this co-parent really showing the patriarchy who's boss um so yeah they're northern oh shit you know what? I just... What? I fucked up. I really fucked up.

Hold on. I just learned... Remembering my last visit to the Audubon Society, and they said that... Right. If you mention baby birds on a podcast, the mother will reject them. Oh, Jesus.

Oh, they're dudes. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. They're dudes. Now you have your scent on them. Your human scent is on them. The scent of the failure of your podcast is on them. Maybe if they were mentioned on a better podcast, or maybe if Radio Lab mentioned the northern mockingbird.

Oh, boy. If Jad Abumrad mentioned the northern mockingbird, or the people who have replaced Jad since he retired at 45. Jad of Boomerang deserves his retirement. Well, I'm sorry to the Birdies. It was a real thrill to see them. I'm glad that they could live a brief life and delight me. But I'm sorry that I brought upon their rejection like this.

Boy, ouch. I feel like a dick here. Brought upon their rejection like this. Boy, ouch. You feel like a dick. Well, I mean, at the end of the day, all you really have to do, get up early, get a few worms. Yeah. Become a mommy bird. Yeah.

I think this is a good path for me. This will be a good look. I mean, you... I'm not saying you have to do it, but talk to your therapist. Okay. Tell your therapist, I'm thinking about becoming a mommy bird. Your therapist knows... And just leave it there.

Yeah. You're a licensed LMFT. My concern about this is how just seeing my parent bird, the parent bird I saw, and how perfectly she was dangling that still-wiggling worm. I don't know if I can... That's going to take some practice. You can't dangle that way? Well, I mean, I think I'm... The first couple times I try this, I'm going to crush the worm.

Right. And I think that there's probably something crush the worm right and i think that you know there's probably something to the worm still being wiggling you're kind of like teaching the babies about hunting like this is still alive and you know you're instilling that you know those kind of necessary kind of bird skills in them but yeah i mean i think i'm just going to give them a bunch of unrecognizably chomped worms. I don't have any jaw control. I have zero jaw control. I'm not going to do it on purpose.

I know my jaws. I know that I don't think I'll be able to delicately scoop up the worm in the way that they need it right away. It's like that old saying, you're chomping at the worm yes so

that's where this saying comes from that's where that saying comes from from a man trying to parent the birds that he caused the mother to reject oh boy can i make one recommendation for this for you jordan and i'm look i'm not one to give advice, but I'm already, I'm a parent myself. I have three beautiful baby birds here at my house. Frankie, Oscar, and Gracie. My recommendation to you, Jordan, is start the college saving accounts now. Okay, yeah. Because it's not getting any cheaper.

It is not getting getting and by the way pun intended yeah that's fun any good uh any good spring stuff going on around your house um well i i was in burbank and i want to talk about it sprung uh i want to talk about it. Has it sprung? I want to talk about Burbank, the official Los Angeles suburb of spring. But let's introduce our guest on the program. Our guest on the program, a favorite here on Jordan Jesse Go, one of the stars of the television program Jellystone, a WGA award winner. That's the Guild, folks.

She's a writer's writer, is that means nicole thurman hi nicole how are you hello i'm good how are you guys pretty good have you ever been to burbank california i have yeah i've taken a couple trips out there it's very nice feels hot i don't know why but it always feels dusty to me but like not in a bad way just it just feels dusty but you got to get out there you got to get out to the desert we live in southern california just spend some time in the desert and enjoy it go up to burbank california what was your last what your last burbank trip what was it what was it for oh my last burbank trip i went to a friend's house and we went to dinner and then on my way back i remember looking at an apartment i was looking because i was like oh that's a nice

building and it was over a whole foods and i was like, oh, that's a nice building. And it was over a Whole Foods. And I was like, I wonder, just curious how much it is. And I looked up the rent and one bedrooms were $4,800. It's too much. Even with access to a hot bar. Yeah. With access to a hot bar and some under-seasoned food.

I was like, how? How? And why? I don't care if it's a dishwasher and washer dryer and unit 4 800 for a one bedroom in burbank when i'm not enough flavor in those green beans no when i moved i my original thought was i'm going to burbank and i found myself priced out of burbank it's expensive everything's expensive right, but I couldn't believe that. I was shook. I was like, you know what? Maybe this is my last trip to Burbank ever. I can't afford to

be here. I went to Burbank this week because I went to do some physical therapy, having some back problems and also hoping to improve the musculoskeletal elements of my migraines. So I went to see the homie aggie she's max funster she works out there at the ucla burbank physical therapy center which is probably the best physical therapy center in southern california that has a lot of pictures of laurel and hardy inside it oh a hollywood uh for show business and i just like we've talked a lot about burbank california which is just north of los angeles it's known for being the home of the the tonight show right uh the studios there in burbank and also like i think we usually talk about the number

of model train stores there no yeah noteworthy for being able to sustain very, very specific kinds of stores. Yeah. So I was there at the physical therapy center. That took up one whole city block, suburban block. Next to it was a parking garage that took up one whole block. But across the street, I had in my eyesight, so this segment is going to become a beloved recurring segment on Jordan Jesse Go. segment is called thing businesses you can see from the front door of the uclaul shaffer businesses businesses you can see

from the center there's so much i wrote it's raining man isn't that crazy i could retire off of that probably. Okay. Best friends with Gilda Radner. It's me, Paul Schaefer. I'm from Canada. Businesses within the sight lines. Gun World. Whoa. A store that only sells air plants. Right.

Air plants? Air plants for air plant walls. Specifically for walls, the kind that you put in a little, like a sconce. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I knew what you,

and Nicole, I think you were onto something there. I do think that is, that is, that's the, that's the assumption you make about these places a lot. It's like,

there's, drugs are involved. I don't know if they're selling them at the place or if the drug money is getting funneled through the model airplane store, but drugs are involved. This is something, look, we've discussed on this program the store near my house on on valencia street when i was a kid in san francisco that only sold sold brazilian stuff right 100 that was a drug store you can only sell so many bikinis okay so gun world air plant store hands to heart cpr store Gun World Air Plant Store, Hands to Heart CPR Store. What? It's a store that teaches you CPR. Dry Pro.

It's a store that drives things. Okay. Like if you have a flood or something. It's called Dry Pro. Useful in certain circumstances. Like a flood. An otherwise completely anonymous stucco storefront that contains a screening room and a church.

Wow. Wow. I think it's a combination screening room and church. Like on Saturday night, it's a screening room for the press premiere of the new Batman movie. And then on Sunday morning, it's a church. A store called Envelope Express. I don't know what they sell there. Do they sell fast envelopes or...

Impossible to know. You guys probably have already been to Random Acts of Breadness. Oh, man. No, but I'm going to shut my laptop right now and go. Geeky Teas and Games. Oh, Geeky Tees and Games. That's for people for whom nerd bars are too intimidating.

If you just want a nice chamomile. I've been to Geeky Tees. That's a really fun place. I'm glad. JVK Diecast. That's a store that only sells model cars. The Martial Arts History Museum.

Is that Scientology Place? Don't they have like... Yeah. I think that's a martial arts industry of death. Exactly. Like the Museum of Broken Relationships. It's like we walk in and they give you one of those tests. Right. Yeah. I wonder if

Scientology is pro or anti-martial art i wonder based on based on will smith slapping technique uh stretch yeah i kind of had a little bit of a it had a little bit of a martial arts krav maga yeah yeah yeah i ever tell you about the time i met i met this man who's the was the was at the time the husband of a jordan jesse go listener and friend of mine i met this man and i shook hands with him and he absolutely destroyed my hand. This man's career was CEO. He was a CEO of a major company. He didn't get there with a limp handshake. He destroyed... You don't make it to the boardroom

with a limp handshake. That's right. He destroyed my hand. So later I see this friend of mine who at the time was married to him. I said to her, man, you know, they shook Dan's hand. It was like he was doing krav maga and she goes yeah he knows krav maga of course he does yeah um stretch that's a store where they stretch you it's like you know do that you do stretches there it's nice actually yeah do they have one of those things that holds your head to a door and pulls it?

Pulls it up like a neck stretcher? They don't, but they have one of those things where you tie a string to a loose tooth and then they slam the door. I don't need that. I need them to stretch my neck so intensely. I actually do. It's for dads and uncles. I have a surprising amount of my baby teeth still left.

Really? Yeah. Old baby tooth Morris. That's why they call me that. Oh, okay. That makes sense now, actually. Yeah, I should have known. And I can't emphasize enough that all of these are within sight. Yeah, I know this block you're talking about. Which one do you think you're most likely to patronize? I haven't even gotten to... I need to list some more businesses before we decide that, Jordan. There's more.

There's a store called Beauty Center. Now, look, Beauty Center, this sounds like an unremarkable store. You know what I mean? This is a place where you get your nails done or whatever. You get your hair set. No. They offer IV drips and foot detox. Okay.

When your feet go to an intense bachelor party. Yeah. Got to get back into shape. There's something called on track themes. That one I had to look up because that just said on track themes. They produce themed attractions and complex out of home entertainment oh yeah huh i'm like i like leaving the home to be entertained i always like my at home entertainment simple if you know what i mean i don't know what you mean what are you talking

about i mean i'm talking about a little a classic. Oh, yeah? Like cup and ball? Jacks? It's a little something I discovered when I was about 13 years old, and it's been entertaining me ever since. Oh, getting out of a Chinese finger trap. Yeah, you got it. And then finally, Shop Ugly Sweaters, which is a store that only sells ugly sweaters.

Wow. Wow. These are all withins again. We're talking about one block to the left, one block to the right. You can see all of these from the front door. Wow. Burbank. Now that I know what's been happening with rent in Burbank, I'm shocked that these places are still open.

Now that I know what's been happening with rent in Burbank, I'm shocked that these places are still open. I mean, I guess they probably don't have in-home laundry services. Yep, that's why. No dishwasher, no hot food bar. That's why. One time I went to, what's that thing called? Bumbershoot in Seattle. And when I was at Bumbershoot, I stayed in a hotel. in seattle and when i said bumbershoot i stayed in a hotel and the hotel had a whole foods down down at the bottom of it there's no greater hotel in a amenity than a whole foods at the bottom

just go down there get yourself some newman's own oreos sure a little you don't have to get those out of the fucking you have to go to the mini bar get yourself some get yourself some mac and cheese you know what if the mac and cheese is under seasoned to you get some chalula too put some chalula on there sure a little spice in there mix it up it's gonna cost you three dollars um nicole we mentioned your wga award at the top of the show did you get to did you get to like accept it at an award ceremony or was it one of these uh you know there's a pandemic so we have to do it on zoom ah bummer i'm sorry yeah i know it was kind of it was weird it was like virtual i was wearing a sweatshirt sitting at home just just like chilling doing nothing um and yeah it was it was crazy because it came up

very quickly too because the this the wga awards was the fastest uh virtual award show i've seen they didn't have any they just had like jokes and people coming out and presenting things so yeah and then they we didn't get i got the statue on monday because they come with a messenger and the messenger brings it to you so you get to sign sign for it. I love it. I feel like when I first started doing The Sound of Young America in Los Angeles, the former name of Bullseye, my NPR show, the greatest thrill was to have something messengered to you. Because in show business, all they did at the time, all they did was messenger things to each other. Just messenger, messenger, messenger, messenger. It was like working at a law firm in Manhattan, just messenger, messenger. Everybody's messengering

things to each other, bottles of champagne or whatever. I don't know. Show business things. Yeah. Yeah. Now that there's online screeners, nobody's messengered anything to me in five years. And it's just such a bummer because I would love i love you'd love to have a man come to your door knock on it and open up his manhattan portage shoulder bag pull something out of there pull out a dvd and a paper sleeve it's fun to sign for something i know it's very fun to sign for something i ran out i was so excited and i think he was used to it because he didn't act like I was crazy at all. But yeah, it was this huge box. I don't have it anymore.

I threw it away. But it was this huge like cardboard box and it was wrapped in plastic and it looks like a whale tail and it was really exciting. They should have it messaged by someone who would present it at an award show like Bryce Dallas Howard. That would be cool. That would be really cool. And then if I got to give a little speech and then they played me off. Your messenger is like, we need to wrap it up.

Yeah, and I'm like, great. Thank you so much. Just ding dong. And you look out the peephole and you're like, Bruce Valanche. I was thinking about how crazy it would be to actually have been in the audience though because I was literally sitting in an apartment with one other person.

And I was so nervous that when we won, I was like screaming bloody murder because I was just I'm not good at being cool or like chill. I feel like if I would have been there, I would have passed out or something. I was like, it's good to win my first award uh you know without people having to see it yeah your next one you can be like super over it like the next award yeah i'll be like oh is this okay when are we gonna wrap this up like oh hey guys yeah i'll be like can you guys just hold it for a little bit i want to hold it looks heavy um yeah i'll be over it but this time i had no chill and i was screaming and it was really fun but yeah i'm like how do people lose gracefully i'd be sad i would just be too dramatic for all of that yeah i'd be like god damn it yeah exactly shit jeopardy fuck you all these fucking assholes yeah no i uh R.I.P. or whatever. I can change regular shit into question shit.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Did they like check in with you about when it was going to come? Yeah. Or were they just like, well, if you're not there, we'll just have your neighbor sign for it. No, they were like, you have to be here and sign for it. It was a big to do and they sent me an email two weeks like when i first won it and then two weeks later to like double check

to make sure i was going to be here so it was really it was really intense but a hundred percent what i imagined when you said that it arrived at your door with a messenger yeah it's like the kind of like crate that king kong comes in oh yeah sure like a big crate you have to pry it open with a pry bar and then just like a bunch of uh a bunch of like sawdust comes out uh-huh oh that'd be amazing that'd be amazing if there was a podium in that and so then you get to stand on a little podium and accept it but then that messenger would be exhausted he'd be like this fucking stuff i have to do this nine more times today. Yeah, exactly. Do you have any idea how many daily show writers there are?

Jesus Christ. Oh my god. I know. There were, oh my god, I think it was like, Saturday Night Live had like 20 or 30 people that they had to name. An old staff just for update. Oh my god, this messenger. Yeah, the messenger's exhausted. Nicole, I also wanted to

ask about a recent uh thematic series of posts on your instagram um okay you i okay so i'm i'm i only have a little bit of information and i'm gonna need you to fill in the blanks you went on a vacation and did a like instagram slideshow of like of the like tackiest beach town shirts oh yeah i only had a couple i only had a that's funny because i thought you were gonna say a different one than i did uh everything i do on instagram is accidental like i end up doing something and then people are like hey remember that thing you did on instagram and i'm like oh yeah that was supposed to be a thing not just something i was thinking about that day um you go into a fugue state when you insta i get it yeah no nicole is nicole's

whole instagram is just an audition for on track themes that's right exactly i'm trying to show people where all the hottest spots are. It's typically my living room. Yeah, no, it was a – me and my boyfriend went on a cruise and we saw the craziest people. I mean, listen, I'm sure they're all lovely and they all have – they all seem very nice. We met a lot of very nice people. But I think what's so amazing about a cruise is everything, first of all. It's just like the wildest experience.

And then people just fully lean into the tackiest shit right ever and they just don't care like and i think that's honestly it was kind of refreshing to just see people living their damn lives and not giving a shit that like their t-shirts say crazy things i wish i could remember what the t-shirts that i posted said but yeah i they all had crazy t-shirts we we uh last week on the show i think it was last week we had a little discussion about like mountain people and desert people i bet there are crew i've not been on a cruise but i bet there are cruise people 100 i mean there 100 are those people there are people like we met two groups of people that they get off the cruise at the port and then they just get right back on it and do two cruises back to back.

Like people. It's a whole lifestyle. Yeah. We had a cruise. We had a Max Fun cruise many years ago. We did two of them. And I'm, you know, obviously anybody, some people haven't heard jordan jesse go before but i'm a what they call a pretentious twat and um i had a great time on the cruises

and not just like obviously you know it helps if you're to go see auntie ballas and the mountain goats on your cruise but like uh that's the representative of cruise entertainment right i know what cruise were you on was this like the joco cruise this was our this was our crew this was the max fun cruise boat party dot biz and we had great you know great being matt bronger and kyle canane being around is a lot of fun but um they and chris fairbanks did this thing where they they got they all bought the unlimited drink plan and uh you get this card that you can put your tips on and they said they're just gonna tip a dollar a drink and whoever has the biggest bill at the end of the cruise wins wow but anyway uh leaving aside like obviously the stuff the stuff that we like had planned was really fun but honestly like the part that was the best about the cruise and i

really enjoyed the cruise and i'm normally like i'm like a, I want to go to a city and go to a bunch of museums on vacation. I'm not a rester on vacation. I agree. Absolutely agree. But like on a cruise, you just kind of like, this kind of like veil comes between your conscious and subconscious mind. Your conscious mind dies. Yeah. And you just eat soft serve there's a soft serve machine

that you have access to all the time yes and you're just kind of like stumbling around from soft serve machine to soft serve machine just pouring it into your hand and smashing it onto your face and hoping that some goes in your mouth and it's great yeah oh it's incredible ours yeah ours is on the lido deck we were laughing because we would always be like you want to go to the lido deck and get some more soft I think I'm feeling strawberry today I'm gonna do strawberry all day today yeah it's it's a weird thing yeah yeah what were you we should explain there was a lido desk on your cruise because you were on a boss gags cruise yeah that's sure I don't Skaggs cruise. Yeah, that's true.

I don't know what that means, but yes, that's a great joke. Thanks, Nicole. I got you. A support. Yeah, what were your cruise indulgences? I hear a lot about seafood towers. Did you get unlimited drinks? I want to hear this from Nicole, but jordan can i just interject real quick on the

boss gags cruise on the lido deck most popular thing to do is shuffleboard okay go ahead nicole that's just a lot of fun for boss gag boss gags fans out there if you're not a boss gags fan don't worry about it go on to r slash boss gags and they'll explain it to you nicole what were your favorite activities on the cruise um well okay so first of all we don't drink so we got we got the unlimited bubbles program okay oh yeah unlimited soda just unlimited people farting in the pool we were like fucking children just drinking because we we just we've looked at the price of the package and then like tried to divide that out by like how much would we have to drink per day to equal the package that we paid for. And I think it was four sodas a day.

You could do that standing on your head. Which, honestly, I thought it would be so easy because I love soda. But then after a while, I was like, I don't want four sodas today, but I'm going to drink four sodas today. You're losing money. Did they have one of those machines that makes any kind of soda no i wish they did they just had regular sodas like behind the bar so it wasn't that exciting but we did the unlimited bubbles we did the frozen yogurt every fucking day we did um we went to go see the shows which we were on um listen i don't know i'm kind

of thinking it was a janky cruise but we did we just had a blast so i didn't think it was that bad but it was like a carnival cruise no shade to carnival but i just did no that is a janky cruise i when when the economy collapsed in 2008 um me and my wife and our friend adam lissagor from You Look Nice Today and his wife went on a cruise that was like a three-day cruise that at the time, because the economy had collapsed, you'd get for like $150 or something. And it was a carnival cruise. And it was so janky. But that's sort of like, I mean, what do you want to do? You don't want to do fancy stuff on a cruise.

It's going to be bad fancy stuff. Do fancy stuff in a fancy. Go to Paris if you want to do? You don't want to do fancy stuff on a cruise. It's going to be bad fancy stuff. Do fancy stuff in a fancy. Go to Paris if you want to do fancy stuff. On a cruise, you want to eat soft serve. You want to be nasty. You want to wear tie-dyed shirts with the name of the town you just visited on them. You want to do all the dumbest, weirdest shit. And so we went to see the shows and the shows were it just felt like musical

theater kids that couldn't get into the program they wanted to get into or couldn't get into the shows that they wanted to get into and listen they were giving it they all but it was a it was a lot we went to this one show called 88 keys and we were like oh cool maybe it'll be like dueling pianos or some kind of piano show named after the kanye west producer 88 88 keys exactly and so we went to the show and this guy's playing the piano and about like five minutes into the show because this was a really talented singer he was i mean they were all you know they were all boss gags just saying it was boss it was boss gags yes it was boss gags was on the lido deck yes exactly um and he was playing

and then suddenly we were both like wait a damn second this dude is not playing piano they rolled a piano out there they had this man on there pretending to play it's one of those floppy disk pianos you know what i'm talking about those floppy disk pianos it's a piano that you put a floppy disk into and then it plays the song. It was that. I don't even know if the buttons went down. First of all, he was very good at faking it until we realized. And then it was like, oh, my God.

We were just like, we were tricked. If you can be that good at faking it, why don't you just play the piano? Why don't you just play the damn piano? I don't know. But we got played. Why don't you just play with them, Pam? I don't know, but we got played. They have access to every musician in the world who isn't quite good enough to do music on land.

Right. These people, they have access to every almost good enough musician that there is. Right. So why can't they find somebody? enough musician that there is right so why can't they find somebody it's like they should be able to like remember when journey hired that guy from youtube from the philippines yes he was great though they should be able to hire the piano guy of that yeah yeah oh yeah because there definitely is one because what they were playing was like pop music so there's somebody that can play these songs there's somebody in saskatchewan that can't make it to Toronto that can just be on a boat playing the fucking piano. And you can pay that chump in soft serve.

You don't have to pay him in actual money. You can pay me in soft serve. I would take it because it's good soft serve. Let's hear about toppings for a second. Toppings? No toppings. No, it was just raw. We were raw doggies.

Absolutely. second toppings no toppings no it was just raw we were raw dog absolutely the thing that impressed me about the actual cruise ship entertainment is that like these are people these are professional entertain like real professional entertainers like they aren't like the difference between them and land entertainers is not so much that they're not good enough like it's not like these are real professional entertainers like these are these are people who are making a career of this it's that they have a quality. They have a sea quality. It's not that they're worse. It's that they're more grizzled. They're really good. Is it a grizzled quality?

Honestly, I think it's similar to the t-shirt mentality of like, this might be goofy or dumb or whatever perceived as that on land, but at sea, that's life like that's just how it is they're really going for it they're super committed they're big they don't give a shit that everybody's just sitting there looking at them like they were they were really doing it and so yeah it's a quality it's a certain quality and it's very musical theater-y um it's like they're singing pop songs but just like with a like like it's like pop songs singing pop songs, but just like with a like, like, it's like pop songs minus the soul. You know what I mean? Like, they're doing like runs. And it's like, like, you know,

like a run that you're like, that was bad. But like, I like that because she was committed to it. You know? Yeah. I mean, what it is, is it's like, it's real professional entertainers who are like, you know what? I'll live on a boat. Yeah. Sure. For six months, four months. Yeah. Yeah.

Fuck it. I'll live on a boat. Maybe they're running from something. Yeah. Maybe it behooves them to be in international waters. Jordan, here we are in Los Angeles. Don't pretend like we're not running from something that's why we all went into the entertainment industry these people are just living it they

know i'm running toward something jesse it's my dreams okay fairly well talk to your therapist about this because i don't i think yeah they raise some raise some baby birds and then talk to me. Like, it really is about, like, all show business is about a certain amount of desperate shamelessness. Like, that is what we have agreed to do, you know, even on a cool podcast. Right. to do you know even on a cool podcast even though even on a show like jordan jesse go that has like miles davis 1964 levels of cool reserve and a air of je ne sais quoi um even on a show like this there's a certain shameless desperation to any type of show business performance work and i think what's going on with the people on a boat is that they've gone

to the boat because they know that on the boat they don't have to pretend not to be doing that. They just say, I'm going to open my heart and live what I am. 12 hours above deck, 12 hours below deck. You know what I mean? Like they go up there. They show. They show out. They sing with the floppy disk piano, it is they do two-thirds of grease cut a lot of stuff internally to make it fit into the time slot yeah people don't need to

hear beauty school dropout i guess yeah and then they go under the boat into the dark area of the boat and they they have squirrel sex just burrow sex wow just like like little moles just fucking like crazy and doing hard drugs and then they sleep and they come back out and they sing again they shine like kliegamps in the night. Your montage of the boat shirts gave me a very, very potent memory. I don't know if this was in your boat shirt montage or if this is just like the prominent like beach scumbag shirt from my youth. But I'm like, boy, it's been forever since I thought about

Buttweiser, the king of rears. This was like every beach scumbag when I was growing up had a shirt that was a parody of the Budweiser logo. But it was Buttweiser. And then it had all these drawn, like, butts. Nicole, Jordan and I went to college together. I don't know if you know this, but Jordan and I went to college together, and eventually Jordan ended up being a literature major.

But initially he was actually studying to be a federal booty inspector. Ooh. It didn't work out. I couldn't pass the drug test. actually studying to be a federal booty inspector. Didn't work out. I couldn't pass the drug test. Fucking Klonopin. It's tough. I know why you said the Buttweiser thing, because I posted this shirt that said nothing

but aloha. There it is. It's a t-shirt that this man got in hawaii yeah you can see it's a bunch of butts on it it's did you check in with this man about taking a picture of this t-shirt like did you say excuse me sir i can't help but notice that you're wearing a t-shirt that says nothing but aloha do you mind if i snap if do you mind if i grab a quick snapshot of your charming tea this is like a nature show okay when you're filming the animals you have to keep your distance from them so that they can continue in their natural habitat

habitat yeah i mean i think it's kind of like the paparazzi jesse it's like you know they're you know when you're a public figure you can only expect so much privacy and i think you know it's something you agree to when you become the king of rears. Yeah. King of rears. When you're wearing a shirt. Yeah. You're putting it out there. We're going to take pictures of it. I cut his head off, though.

So there's no head. It's just the back of him. So, yeah, I respected some of his privacy, but not the butts part. Jordan, can I ask you a question? Where do you stand on the divine right of the king of beers? The king of rears. Oh, no. I mean. right of the king of beers the king of rears oh no i mean do you think that god created do you

think that god gave the kingly authority to the king of rears or do you think that's something that only man can grant yeah i mean um listen i do think that the king of rears is appointed by god he is his messenger on earth and he's there to you know oversee all all things having to do with the rear yeah i mean this is the difference between the anglican church and the catholic church the anglicans believe that god created the king of rears. It is something, there's something, what is it about calling it the rear that is like, that is so like, I can't tell if it's delightful or gross. I guess it's both. Is it the can? Is that the, is the can a butt?

No. Yeah. The one I'm remembering, and I'm guessing this is a often knocked off shirt that probably, you know, no one has the rights to this. I think every, you know, from, name your beach town. I bet you could buy an unlicensed version of this shirt there. And I think that probably the design varies. But the one I'm remembering is it was like the, that. I googled King of Frears. There is no shortage.

Yeah. There's just probably a ton of them. This butt's for you, Jordan. Oh, yeah. Gosh, there's so many. There's so many ways in. Yeah. The one I'm remembering is it was kind of like the design of the Budweiser can, but it looked like three women in thongs.

And I think at the time, I thought it was funny, but I mean, I also was a young man and just kind of discovering myself, and I think I enjoyed the rears. I like rears. i like the word rear it feels like my mom used to say that it's an old i feel like it kind of went out of style in the 90s like how people don't say like dork really as much anymore those kinds of like insults we were talking about i was talking with somebody the other day about sphincter oh yes remember how people used to be like sphincter says what sphincter says what yeah nobody that says anywhere yeah i mean i'm what's funny is i got i have the picture up you were saying there's pictures of three rears on here i want to see you i'm actually seeing all i'm seeing here is tushies interesting interesting i think that speaks to the my theory that these were regional that's hilarious i'm probably seeing three tushies on here they sell it at urban

outfitters currently do they oh that's so funny it's just a regular budweiser oh wait it's just a regular budweiser my bad but when you look it up it up. There's one here that says, this one is the same as the other ones, but it says butt snorkeler. Butt snorkeler. Interesting. Is that where you put your face in a butt? I don't, I mean, some king of rears I am, I don't even know.

I'm going to plead ignorance. Deep diving. What's funny about it is, like is I googled King of Rears. And the suggested things are Budweiser, Buttweiser flag, Buttweiser, Buttweiser, spelled two different ways, beer, dorm, butts, college dorm, Rears flag. And then there's about one screen's worth of the classic the the picture that you were describing jordan the butt wiser picture and then if you

scroll down one more there's some car parts uh there's a thing that says welcome to the farm and then there's all aboard the trump train yeah it was only a matter of time i'm seeing liberty or death don't tread on me yeah and then there's a picture of an actual, like a lot of people, when I say dump truck, it is an actual picture of a dump truck. Like it's just a dump truck. It doesn't, it's not a butt thing. It's just a dump truck. Just a regular dump truck.

Well, a butt is a dump truck, right? Isn't a dump truck also a butt? But this, no, because this is just a dump truck. Like I want to be clear, this isn't a butt but this is no because this is just a dump truck like i want to be clear this isn't a butt dump truck this is a standard dump but like well that's what cisco says she has dumps like a truck you know i mean look i'm but i'm saying cisco is talking about a a butt dump truck and this is only for dumping but not butt dumping not poop dumping like just no dumping there's just regular dumps of of dirt or have there been a cultural re-evaluation of the song thong song yet

what what would they what would the re-evaluation celebrate yeah it's celebrating the booty right is there i mean i think the initial the initial evaluation was, man, this – Cisco is singing this fun butt song, you know? And then now I would say the re-evaluation would be like, man, this butt song by Cisco is fun. Yeah. Yeah, I know. The butt song would cisco is fun yeah yeah i don't think america ever really like there i mean there was too much of the thong song but i don't i think everyone understood that the reason that it was a hit was that it's a fucking it's great i mean it's the it's the thong song like it's fucking

great very catchy we like songs about butts. We had that with I Like Big Butts and I Cannot Lie. Classic butt song. Every generation has its butt song. Mm-hmm. Jordan, how come there's... Are there any good rock and roll butt songs? You're a rock and roll guy.

You're sort of a punk rock guy. Any good punk rock butt jams? That's a great question. I wonder what the most prominent rock song about the any elvis costello butt songs any pavement butt songs pavement butt song i don't think um hold steady have any butt songs right yeah it was rake finn right any butt song right it was about a uh yeah it was about a i'm gonna text darneel and ask mountain goats to write a butt song well zz top had legs yeah legs are attached to a butt that's

some people think legs are but they could be but it's a whole thing it depends on how your butt is yeah we're not gonna get into whether legs are butt or buddy's legs okay that's not what we're here to do this isn't right you know there great... I mean, I think it's depending on what version of Bob Dylan's Blood on the Tracks you get. There is a demo he did that is on some of the expanded editions called Show Me That Turd Cutter. What?

No, there's not. Okay, I'm obsessed. Let's take a break. Show Me That Turd Cutter. No, let's take? No, there's not. Okay, I'm upset. Let's take a break. Oh, you know, let's take a break. There's not. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, the MaxFunDrive is right around the corner, so this is a special time for us to thank all of the members of Maximum Fun for making this show possible.

We love them. We thank them. They are very important to us. Yeah. Everybody's gone to MaximumFun. join you own you shred yeah way to beat ass donors fucking whip uh we're also supported this week by the good people at Stitch Fix. Jordan, your body isn't one size fits all.

No. And who knows my body better than you? I think I, a great man once taught us, Jordan, that your body is a wonderland. And the good folks, the good folks at Stitch Fix understand that.

So when you go over there to Stitch Fix, they give you this style quiz. So I like this, I like that. I like this, I like that. I like this, I like that. It's a lot of fun. One of the things you do is you put in some information about your body. Stitch Fix has about your body. Stitch Fix has stylists. The stylists have computers. The computers know the inches of the clothes, and they give you clothes that have the right inches, as you prefer, according to your Wonderland body. It's a revolution in wearing stuff oh my gosh stitch fixes is is really great you can you can you can set up and uh you can set up a thing where they send you a box a box of good stuff um every once in a while uh you can kind of time that out to your liking or you can check out stitch fix freestyle it's an online shop built just for you.

You fill out that style quiz and instead of just going on, you know, pants.gov all willy-nilly looking for pants, you know. Pants.gov is just that one audio clip of Lyndon Johnson talking about how the inseam of his pants cuts up on his bunghole. That's all that is at pants.gov. That's not helpful at all for you if you need some new, you know, refined workwear or casual basics. Yeah.

Get started today by filling out your free style quiz at stitchfix.com slash jjgo and get free shipping and returns. That's stitchfix.com slash jjgo. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron where we share messages from our listeners, you can go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. It's as easy as that. We'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart uh jordan moore's boy detective and i'm nicole thurman lift top coffee table i just got a lift top coffee table i'm very excited about it you guys how's that going it's fucking awesome it's a coffee table

and it's also a desk and also you can just eat your food off of it and look all sad and eat tv dinners you know and stuff it's great i love it what are you sticking in there what am i sticking in there i got a blanket i got a massager massage gun in there i got some headphones a lighter whatever you want you just throw it lift top coffee table it's where it's at it's really it's a massage gun at sexual aid um i'm you know what i think anything can be a sexual aid if you put your mind to it um but i and i actually do just use it for a sore shoulder so it's not that it's like a thing that goes yeah exactly it's like a like a theragun and yeah it has different attachments so it can definitely be a sex thing if you wanted to okay so how does it do you is it a

good is it good it is i love it i feel like yeah i mean you just put it on your you know if you're like right after you work out you can put it on your thighs and put it on your muscles like it gets sore and it works it out it's nice especially, especially if you're like, I live alone, so I'm just like needing help by myself. You live alone, so you need sexual aids. I need sexual aids. I need sexual aids. And then I like to switch it up. I like to use it sexually and then also for the purpose that it was created for.

I feel the same way about pineapples. Go ahead, Jordan. Fucking pineapples, y'all. I'll do mine anyway my thing was gonna be oh my my unconventional sexual aid is the dictionary because i'm turned on by intelligence thanks jordan intelligence you get from reading the dictionary isn't that called it's like a thing sapiosexual is like people who are that is yes yeah yeah yeah i know that because i'm smart are you turned on right now jordan no i'm too busy thinking about those birds okay okay that's fair that's fair it's a it's got to be on your mind jordan's cheaping out on us cheaping over here uh when

something momentous happens to you like three little baby birdies set up shop outside your office window while you're trying to write gags for television television give us a call 206-9844-FUN or just take out your phone record a record a voice memorandum and email it to us at jjgoatmaximumfun.org uh here's an example of somebody that did the you know we got we got we got one here i took my medicine earlier i'm a little lost go ahead brian. Press the play. Hi, this is Ray. I'm calling with a momentous occasion. So my daughter is five years old, and she is learning to cuss, and she's testing it out.

We have basically set up the structure that she can't use the big ones yet, and she can't say any at school. And so she has started using – she's been using the word biscuit from Bluey as in, oh, biscuits, but she definitely says it like it's a bad cuss. But she's experimenting with others. And my momentous occasion is that the other day I overheard her building with her Legos. And the Lego piece fell apart. And she goes, Jesus biscuits. So, yeah, my momentous occasion is that my kid came up with what may be the best cuss around Jesus Biscuits.

So thank you. Love you guys. Hope you're having a good day. Oh, also, I use they, them pronouns. But yeah, love you guys. Bye. Hi, it's Ray again with the Very Good Kids Swear. And my daughter wanted to say something.

Jesus Biscuits. Yes. very good kid swear and uh my daughter wanted to say something yes hell yeah she just wanted to make sure you had a recording of it all right love you guys bye love you too ray thanks for thanks for getting that right i was worried that you were about to fuck it up by not having your child say it into a microphone and you really nailed it i really appreciate that uh somewhere in heaven my grandma rita is uh listening in she's upset that a child swore and she's saying oh thunder turtles nicole could you casually swear around the house as a kid? No, I could not. I would get in trouble. I'm still a full-ass adult, and when I cuss in front of my mom, I always apologize.

I'm always like, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. Yeah. Yeah, same here. I stop myself. I can feel myself about to do it, and then I take a minute. Yeah. I'm still shook when I see people cuss in front of their parents

because I'm like, oh, you get to do that? What? It's crazy. Jordan, you feel yourself about to do it. I bet you get to watch Beavis and Bunhead too. Jordan, you feel yourself about to do it and you take a minute and think about baseball and then get back in there. First we got the massage gun.

Now we got this. All these erection jokes today out of you. I know. Not my typical. Jesse, have your kids done any kind of pre-swearing or pre-swearing? My daughter has, my 10-year-old has very intense feelings about swears. She doesn't like them at all. She hates them.

Thinks they're lazy writing. But right now, her only interest is watching spoof movies. She's really into spoof movies because she saw a scary movie and now she wants to see every spoof movie. And the train has left the station there's no stopping it it's hurtling through like disaster movie and epic movie these like

you get to watch the naked guns at some point though i know that's i'm like can we please just watch the naked guns yes they star a murderer a literal murderer but i'm still thrilled to and um who did anna nicole smith kill jesse yeah i mean anna nicole smith um how dare you and uh uh my daughter will tell me about the jokes with Jokes with swears. And she'll say the swears. Because she wants to report the joke. Got to get the quote right. Right. She wants to get the quote right, but she doesn't want to say the word. But she says the word because she feels it's important to get the joke right.

Well, that's good. The integrity. She understands that sometimes it's part of the rhythm or the characterization. Yeah. Meanwhile, my 78-year-old mother will come to visit and she'll just be like, fucking motherfuckers. There's a lot of motherfuckers out there. That's true.

There are a lot of motherfuckers out there, especially at a rental car counter right hey that's the number one place motherfuckers like to congregate you know them motherfuckers be at the rental car places hanging out ask a bunch of questions trying to give you a minivan when you just wanted a mid-size if you say no to insurance they like look at you like you're crazy, have you questioning yourself, should I get the insurance? I have it on my credit card. My credit card gives me insurance. I don't need to give you the money. I'm using my credit card.

Should I rent this standalone GPS in 2022? This unit that comes in a leather case? $35 for an aux cable? But hey, you get to enjoy a little uh weekend of satellite radio xm satellite radio that's always fun isn't it a Kevin Hart channel sure 60s on six have you seen the television commercials for satellite radio where it's all the people from satellite radio hanging out together but the only howard stern is not there and they talk about kevin hart but he's not there

and the only person you really are confident that you know who it is is dax shepherd that's funny does he have a satellite radio channel daxax Shepard from Without a Paddle? It is Wild who has XM satellite radio shows. I have seen one with Kevin Hart where he's listening at various locations, with the pitch being you can listen anywhere. For a while, our friend Dave Holmes had a satellite radio show. I would love to hear him. Can I tell you something?

I think I have a satellite radio show, but I'm not sure. That's God's own truth. I think I'm on satellite radio, but I'm not 100% on that. I'm going to put that at 70-30. I've heard bullseye on satellite radio before. There's like a public radio channel. I know that it was, but I don't know that it is.

Let me put it that way. I know it was, don't know that it is. Do you know this guy? You know, I worked at XM satellite radio for a minute when I was just out of college. And this guy worked on

this children's political talk station. That makes sense. Sure. Uh, there was this teen on it and now he's like a drive time host on WFAN, the biggest sports talk station in America. Dang.

Okay. Evan Roberts was a nice teen when I met him. I was like 22. He was like 17 or something. Brian, apparently we have one of our signature segments that the listeners come up with for us because... No, we invent these, Nicole, just so you know. These are

ideas that we've had and written down. We do a lot of work on the show. We work really hard on the show. We don't just show up and have a list of stores we saw in Burbank. Hello, Jordan, Jesse, and I'm going to guess Steve Agee. This is Nathan in St. Louis calling in for the classic segment, Funny Things I Found in My Bible. I was doing my reading practice that I do, and there's a really weird thing in Deuteronomy chapter 10, where basically if two dudes are fighting, it is not allowed for their wives

to come in and try and help them out to win the fight. and, like, try and help them out to win the fight. Specifically, their wives are not allowed to jump into the fray and grab one of the dude's balls. And if she does, then you're supposed to cut her hand off, which is weird and messed up and all that stuff. But the important thing here is that in the King James Version, it reads, if she taketh him by the secret. Love the show. Love you guys. hope you have a great day bye take him if two men are fighting okay so you're reading right

from the bible here now right yeah i'm if two men fight together and the wife of one draws near to rescue her husband from the hand of the one attacking him and puts out her hand and seizes him by the genitals. Wow. Okay, that's Deuteronomy 2511. I mean, this is a cliffhanger here. This is so hyper-specific. It's like, this is just something that happened to this guy. Yeah.

Oh, we need to do a commandment about this. Like, Deuteronomy raised his hand at the bible at the bible writing meeting he's like oh some shit happened to me earlier and i want to make sure that it gets in there so god told me that if some guy's wife uh grabs my junk they said two men fight together by the way two is italic. If two men fight together and the wife of one draws near to rescue her husband from the hand of the one attacking him and puts out her hand and seizes him by the genitals. That's really funny. This is Deuteronomy 25, 12. Then you shall cut off her hand.

Damn. Your eye shall not pity her. It's been so long since I've been seized by the genitals. I know, right? That kind of sounded nice. That's mostly movies when they're going to threaten someone. They like grab them by the dick or something, right? Yeah.

This whole thing where you fight with another guy and then your wife comes and seizes him by the genitals. That's a subreddit, right? Yeah. Yeah. Gotta be. Gotta be. They fight with another guy. R slash genital seizing her wife

seizes him by the genitals you must not show pity yeah don't feel sorry for sheila she grabbed my dick when i was fighting with george so she deserved it she needed to lose that hand okay can i tell you something that is maybe even better deuteronomy 25 13 just i want to be clear it just transitioned straight into this 20 deuteronomy 25 13 after the thing about seizing genitals and cutting off the hand and you're not allowed to pity the one-handed woman whose hand got cut off because she sees the genitals because her husband was in a fight you shall not have in your bag differing weights a large and a small he said when you go to the gym after cutting off this lady's hand make sure that the dumbbells are even right yeah one big arm and one small arm i mean it's possible. That's hilarious. Why is that? That the bag here is a scrote.

The bag is... Could be. It could be. I'm not saying it is. I'm not a Bible. I'm no Herschel Walker. I'm not a Bible scholar. But it could be.

You shall not have in your house differing measures, a large and a small. So you can really only have the one. If you have like a, like I have a four cup Pyrex and a two cup Pyrex. Sorry, you're angering the Lord.

Gotta get out. Fucking Deuteronomy 2514. I feel like this should be called like dude, like D-U-D-E, Deuteronomy, because of all the dude rules. It's just a bunch of dude rules. Deuteronomy, because of all the dude rules. It's just a bunch of dude rules. Deuteronomy dude rule number three. You can't have two different weight things.

Thou shalt not ask me to take out the garbage when me and the guys are watching the game. Deuteronomy. Deuteronomy. Coming soon to Spike TV. TV. Guys, you must have accurate and honest weights and measures so that you may live long in the land of the

Lord your God is giving you. Does that mean that God will shorten your life if you're shaving weight off of your... Holy cow. God's gonna shorten your life if you go into his man cave without asking.

Yeah, do what? We try to do what? We try to watch the game. Jesse, my... Here's what I think. Here's what I want, and here's what I think the listeners want. And I think I'm pretty clued in to what the listeners want. I do a lot of internal surveys.

The next time you go for your physical therapy appointment, you have to go into one of these Burbank stores. Oh, you have to. Yeah. You must. So hit up Jesse and his mentions. Tell him what Burbank store you want him to go into the next time you do your physical therapy appointment.

One of those stores. Was it airplanes or air plants? I thought you said air plants. Air plants. It was air plants. Okay. That sounds like a fun one. Yeah, I need some new air plants. I want to go there.

Yeah. And again, it's only air plants that you put on a wall. Okay. You know what I mean? That's so specific. It's only wall plants that you put in like a sconce. Yeah. Yeah. You know what i mean it's so specific it's only wall plants that you put in like a sconce yeah yeah you know what i mean oh it's beautiful thanks if there's a dispute between men they are to go to court to be judged so that the innocent may be acquitted and the guilty

condemned that's pretty good so far right if the guilty man deserves to be beaten the judge shall have him lie down and be flogged in his presence with the number of lashes his crime warrants he may receive no more than 40 lashes lest your brother be beaten any more than that and be degraded in your sight this is a problem i have a lot with my brother john right is i will get i will get lashed 40 i'll commit a crime where i deserve 45 lashes i'll lie down before the judge and i'll be flogged in his presence and my poor fucking brother then my brother gets degraded in my sight with all these lashes. Anyway, let me, sorry, let me finish this chapter. This is Deuteronomy 25.

I got to the part, more than that and be degraded in your sight. And then finally, do not muzzle an ox while it is treading out the grain. Where are you at on all this stuff, biblical literalists? Shout out in the comments, biblical liter yeah literalists i want to see you know these people that are against homosexuality i want to see i want to see them speaking out about ox muzzling sure you know what i mean mixing let's get on both of these things their weights and measures. So many of these people who are out here talking about homosexuality being a sin have bags with two different weight items in them. Right.

That's true. Right. Instead of one weight item, a single weight of item. Let he who has bags with equal weights throw the first stone. Then do some fat bong rips. Hey, Deuteronomy. Righteous. You guys want to take a little break and do some fat bong rips with the Lord?

Hell yeah. Yeah, but can I just mention one thing real quick? Sure. the lord and then yeah but can i just mention one thing real quick sure yeah in cases of infectious skin diseases be careful to diligently follow everything the levitic the levitical priests instruct you i'm gonna find the levitical priest i just want to just in case that's in cases of infectious skin diseases otherwise just ignore the fucking levitical priests because they are fucking on and on about all kinds of different bullshit anyway uh in conclusion when you beat the olives from your trees you must not go over the branches again what remains will be for the foreigner the

fatherless and the widow we'll be back in just a second on jordan Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Max Fun Drive 2022 starts in just one week. Monday, April 25th. We'll have exclusive Max Fun Drive gifts, awesome episodes, bonus content,

and you know what else? You'll just have to tune in. We have some tricks up our sleeve. Sleeves? Tricks? Is it plural? We'll catch you next week, the greatest time to support the podcasts you love.

Max Fun Drive starts on Monday, April 25th. Don't miss it. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. If you're sick of constantly arguing with the people closest to you about topics that really aren't going to change the world, we're here to take that stress off of your shoulders. We take care of it for you on We Got This with Mark and Hal. for you on We Got This with Mark and Hal. That's right, Hal. If you have a subjective question that you want answered objectively

once and for all time for all of the people of the world, questions like, who's the best Disney villain, Mac or PC? Or should you put ketchup on a hot dog? That's why we're here. Yes, I get that these are the biggest questions of our time, and we're often joined by special guests

like Nathan Fillion, Orlando Jones, and Paget Brewster. So let Mark and Hal take care of it for you on We Got This with Mark and Hal, weekly on Maximum Fun. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Nicole Thurman, air plant collector. Deuteronomy 23. One.

No man with crushed or severed genitals may enter the assembly of the Lord. Well, I'm fucked. I don't think he would want to. I think he just wants to lie down. Yeah. Lord's anti-CBT. Mm-hmm. Lord's kind of uptight, huh?

A lot of rules. Lord guy. Lord guy is not chill. My dude's got lots of rules. Lots of rules. Can I also mention one other thing just real quick? Just because you guys were planning on entering your neighbor's vineyard. Yeah.

Eat your fill of grapes, but don't put any in your basket. It's a little something that the Lord calls OTT, over the top. It's too much. Pretty extra, according to the Lord. Being a little extra. To put them in your basket. So all of this stuff sends you to hell, right? Just to be clear.

This is all equally. I think that's correct. You must have a place outside the camp to go and relieve yourself. And you must have a digging tool in your equipment so that when you relieve yourself, you can dig a hole and cover up your excrement. That's what God told us personally. Wow. Also a good rule for Coachella weekend. Buried at poop outside camp.

Right. You are to make tassels. You are to make, this is also a good rule for Coachella. You are to make tassels on the four corners of the cloak you wear. It's a little something called festival style right well if it's not if it's cultural appropriation that's true that's true

that's fair don't be an asshole keeping right keeping you know take a look at what they're attaching tassels to my culture is not your costume if you see your brother's donkey or ox falling on the road, you must help him lift it up. I'm just pretending. Jordan. What? This one is Deuteronomy 22.6 is for you. Do you need us for this? Do you want to keep reading Deuteronomy?

Jordan. We started like three other bits while you were reading Deuteronomy. You participated in none of them. Deuteronomy 22.6. If you come across a bird's nest with chicks or eggs this is what they call the crisscross this is great amazing either in a tree it's easter it's literally easter while we're recording this either in a tree or on the ground along the road i think your your eve counts as a tree yeah that's that's man's tree and the mother is

sitting on the chicks or eggs you must not take the mother along with the young you may take the young but be sure to let the mother go so that it may be well with you and that you may prolong your days so go ahead and eat those baby birds jordan okay okay i'm one step ahead of you. Wow. Just to be clear, Jordan, if you end up building a new house, construct a railing around your roof so that you do not bring blood guilt on your house. Blood guilt? Yeah.

You know about blood guilt. There's a lot happening there. That's that new Leave Decent movie, isn't it? Straight to Redbox. You took my daughter, and now your blood is guilty. Yeah, don't fuck with Liam Neeson's daughter. You're going to get a bad case of blood guilt. Nicole Thurman, what a joy it is always to have you on the program.

You're working on a new television show involving the great Phoebe Robinson. I am, yes. It's called Everything's Trash. We've been working on it. It's going to be very funny on Freeform and Hulu. And we just started shooting. So probably, I'm guessing the fall, but this is like very much a guess. I don't know when.

But it's been really cool. Yeah. Yeah, you'll have to come back when the show's done. Yeah, definitely. I will. It'll be fun. Thanks for having me on again. This is fun.

Yeah, thanks for doing it. Yeah. Suppose a man marries a woman and comes to hate her. Oh, I want to hear this, though. This is fascinating. Jesus Christ. This shit is fucked up.

God, this... You know if you have a rebellious son, all the men of his city will stone him to death. It's crazy. This is all written by that character from Cats. Fucked up. Fucked up cat dance when the audience wrote all this shit. Jesus Christ, this fucking cat is raw.

Some fucking wild shit okay join us on social media at jesse thorn at jordan underscore morris on twitter at put.this.on and at jordan david morris on instagram we're at facebook.com slash jordan jesse go our producer brian sunny d fernandez on the stream is Valerie Moffitt. If you go subscribe to the Maximum Fun YouTube channel, you can catch us doing this show live, and you can see live the parts that we ended up editing out because they were too terrible,

and then you can let everybody know about them so they know that we're bad. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Our thanks to them. Nicole Thurman has been our guest on the program. You should get out there and enjoy her work. Watch Jellystone.

Watch Jellystone. She's on that what are you what are you you're a snagglepuss what are you uh jabber jaw jabber jaw jabber jaw squidly diddly and squidly diddly they look you went into audition for squidly diddly they said this is great can you do jabber jaw too yeah and i was like yeah I think that I went for Jabberjaw and then Squidly Diddley. Yep. Are there like Jabberjaw purists in your mentions who are mad that you're not talking like one of the three stooges? Yeah, they said as long as she does the laugh, it's fine.

Then I was like, oh, they're going to be mad at me. Because I don't know. Listen, you guys, I'd never heard Jabberjaw before. I just went in blind and really didn't i'd never heard jabber job before i just went in blind and really didn't know and so yeah they've i've actually gotten a lot of nice uh feedback so but there are definitely some people that are like why it's a great show you're great on it thank you but there's a i'm sure there's a lot of jabber job pierce and your mentions going why exactly get over it. It's 2022.

Deuteronomy 9 through 14. The subject is sorcery forbidden. Is that it? Fucking sorcerers. I hate sorcery. I hate women who seize your privates. Oh, God. God. Detestable.

You know what? Whoever does these things is detestable to the Lord. Hashtag Deuteron life. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica. I'll hug you and kiss you and love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. love you