Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 74: Stars and Bars

Episode Date: October 2, 2008

We hear about the Republican convention from Slate's Emily Calderon, and name various things.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, maddy, twiddle, dum, twiddle all douchebags gets robbed.

Jordan has trouble making friends, plus we name a whole bunch of shit. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. With us from SlateV.com, Emily Calderon. Welcome, Emily. Thank you. Emily is an editor, producer, director.

What happened is we just interviewed Emily. We just had Emily on the show like she was going to do one segment, but then we decided she was going to do the whole thing. So if you really want to know what Emily does for SlateV.com, you're just going to have to wait a little while. Stay tuned, I think they say, in the biz. Keep it locked, I think is what they say in FM. Maybe in AM.

You're thinking of AM, Jordan. I am. I only have AM. What do we say in podcasting? Keep the buds in your ears. Don't take them out. Jordan. Don't take your buds out.

We have to think of something that's the future. No, of Stay Tuned. Of Stay Tuned circa 2003. So we have to balance those different elements. Oh, I got one. I got one. Keep your cursor away from shuffle. There you go. That's it. Keep your cursor away from shuffle. There you go.

Keep your cursor away from... If you want to know more about what Emily Calderon does for Slate V, keep your cursor away from shuffle. That was great. Was that good? Yeah, there's really no need to delve into this anymore. Do you feel like this is going to be a sort of a red, white, and blue episode of Jordan, Jesse, go? Does that feel right to you?

Yeah, or all-American. Either one, though. These colors don't run? Yeah, stars and bars. Stars and bars. Okay, what do you think? So far we've got red, white, and blue. These colors don't run.

Stars and bars, all-American, Emily. How are you feeling? I colors don't run. Stars and bars, all American, Emily. How are you feeling? I like stars and bars. Stars and bars? Nice and bold. What about stars and stripes forever? Nope. No.

Doesn't rhyme. Okay, sorry. Doesn't rhyme enough. It rhymes very little. I didn't mean to screw everything up for you guys. Well, you did. Okay. Let's move on.

What's done is done, Jordan. What's done is done. It's a stars and bars episode of Jordan, Jesse, Go! this week, because we're going to talk about presidential candidates. We got a lot of good presidential candidates. Some people called in to suggest that professional wrestlers should run for president. run for president now i i don't mean to offend our friends like uh our friends who who called in that one time to explain to us what was good about professional wrestling that's a while back that was quite some time ago that's for the old heads but the the fact of the matter is i don't

think a professional wrestler should be president you You mean someone from TNA Wrestling? TNA? Yeah, that's like regular wrestling, but more extreme. Oh, it sounded like nudie wrestling. No, no, no. Well, TNA. Total Non-Stop Action Wrestling. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Sorry, I didn't realize that's what that was. It's a boob-free event. Yeah. I don't... Because... Is it super... How extreme is it? Pretty extreme.

Do they take it to the max at all? Mm-hmm. Out of 10, how many would you say they have? X. Maybe that's an exception. Maybe TNA wrestling is an exception. Yeah. I'm thinking more of WWF wrestling.

Yeah, TNA, Total Nonstop Action is the future of wrestling, and I think the future of politics. Who am I to disagree with the future? Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? Emily, later on, will have a semi-salacious story about the Republican National Convention. Which she attended.

Mm-hmm. And we're going to name some stuff. We got so many names. That's going to be good. So many people want us to name stuff. Just for your edification, Emily, last week we asked people to let us name something. And we offered a range of possibilities for things we could name. Jesse was pushing for child. I was saying boat. Yeah, exactly. I would really like to be there for the launching of the boat, particularly where a champagne bottle

is smashed on the hull. Right now I'm thinking maybe Starship. Oh, yeah. Which is like a space boat, certainly, but it can go in space, which a regular boat can't do. What about a municipal building? Yeah.

That's good. How about a community center? I mean, granted, that's a kind of municipal building? Yeah. That's good. How about a community center? I mean, granted, that's a kind of municipal building. I'm just, you know, I'm spitballing. Whittling it down. Yeah, I'm whittling. I'm spitballing. I'll name it Department of Water and Power.

Isn't that just usually city name, Department of Water and Power? Doesn't have to be. That's a problem, I'm saying. Those are boring. So you're suggesting that maybe we should start naming things that already have an established naming format because we could break the rules. We have that kind of charisma. We have that kind of intelligence. Jesse Fox broke the rules when they debuted the OC in the summertime.

So I think we should break the rules by calling a library something else. Okay. Fair enough. Book center? I add too close to library. Okay. What about DVDs and some books? Yeah, I like that.

Good. That's good because it's what a library is really, it's what a library is really good for. Yeah, maybe like under DVDs in parentheses. Free DVD rentals. That's like all I see when I go to a public library. You usually... Free internet, DVDs, and some books. Yeah.

Homeless guys too. You know, it's... Homeless guy watching himself in sync, the building. How about too many musicals in the DVD section? Is that something? Yeah pbs specials can we just call it a pbs specials pbs special acquisition center what about this old house can we call it this old house we can can we just name it bob vila that's what i'm ultimately working towards yeah sure i gotta do a report i gotta take the kids down to the bob villa i need to do some research over at the bob villa i like it okay there's a homeless guy

washing himself inside bob villa there's a homeless guy who really ought to wash himself in that bob villa we'll be back in just a second on from Slate, Jordan Slate.com Slate.com Or as I once called it in a Slate.com podcast Salon.com Emily Calderon Emily, welcome to the show

Hello, hello It is a pleasure to have you Did you know that I did that one time? You called Slate Salon Man, I bet they hate that You've made that mistake before, I'm sure Everyone thinks that Slate and Salon are interchangeable. I've had so many people, they're like, oh my God, I love Slate.

And then they'll tell me their favorite Salon.com writer. They're like, oh God, I love Garrison Keillor's column. I said that on the podcast and I think I got fired. They didn't exactly fire me. I'm sure nobody noticed though. They use their fingers to make little guns and then make gun shooting noises at you. And then they stabbed me. So I'm putting two and two together here.

But they didn't kill you. No, well, no. Well, I was dead briefly, but like I flatlined, but obviously I'm here now. Andy Bowers was nice enough to give you mouth-to-mouth. Absolutely, man. That was fantastic. I don't know if you've ever had the chance to get mouth-to-mouth from formerly NPR Moscow correspondent, now Slate V executive producer Andy Bowers.

But that was my dream, and I finally achieved it. Yeah, all it takes is a little stabbing. I know. I'd do it again in a second. Emily, you are a producer and editor over there at Slate V, and you work very closely with Andy Bowers. What, I mean, to take us through a day. The Andy Bowers.

What kind of coffee does he like? Former White House correspondent, Andy Bowers. Former day-to-day liaison, Andy Bowers. He used to go on day-to-day and talk about something that was in Slate. I mean, that is amazing. What bagels does he like? How does he take his coffee? Any little tidbit.

I will tell you one thing about Andy Bowers. He loves hummus. He loves it. So do I. So do I. Me too. I knew it. Seriously.

I secretly knew he was just like me. Ever since they passed that gay marriage law, all I do in class is just write Mr. Andy Bowers, Mr. Andy Bowers, Mr. Andy Bowers on my notebook. I was writing Mr. Jordan Hummus. So I think it's kind of the same thing. So how long have you been with the organization over there, Slate V? I've been with Slate V for a little over a year now. And can you kind of give us just a little overview of your job? What kinds of day-to-day things do you do? What kind of special projects?

Well, I do everything from recording the audio for the Prudies. I don't know if anybody's familiar with the animated Prudies. That's, Jordan, in case you were wondering, that's the advice columnist. They animate the questions there. That's our highest rating videos. Really? Yeah. People love them some Prudy. Can I be the voice of a letter sometime?

Yeah, yeah. Yes. I actually have trouble finding people to voice the letters. Well, you just found somebody. Me, me too. Me too. No, me. Pick me.

Pick me. Mine will be more high-pitched. Yeah, Jordan, you can be a girl. You can be a teenage girl. Can do. Who's just gained weight. Or that's usually them. But I also... Now, Emily, I'm not Or that's usually them. But I also.

Now, Emily, I'm not sure that Jordan can pass as a teenager anymore. Yeah. I've been playing. I've been playing college and above lately. Yeah. Okay. I'll just keep that in mind. Thank you.

So all I'm saying is he's more of a lady now than a girl. Yeah. That's very important. So, yeah, anything where, like, you know, a girl really loves loves her boyfriend but she's just not into sex with him anymore like i can do that really well okay i'll keep that in mind he's great and he's so sweet but i just don't you know i'd just rather you know watch mad men and go to sleep yeah that's something you're not attracted to your boyfriend yeah no i mean i love him but you love him but you're not in love with him exactly i see um anyway so yeah okay so you record that i yeah i mean that's a minor thing but um i uh shoot and edit the summary judgments every friday with

mark jordan legan um i pretty much yeah and jail uh pretty much do, like, if you can think of something that needs to be done on a slate beat, I probably do it. I shoot. I edit a lot of the projects. I commission people, freelancers, and I work with them to do other video projects that they might do. I also kind of oversee, you know, I don't know what I'm saying. Jordan, didn't you read? So you did a real broad swath of things. Yes, mostly.

It's a small organization, Slate V. Yeah, mostly shooting and editing and, you know, talking with my producers on what types of projects we should be. Jordan, I'm just kind of surprised that you didn't read all about this in the Andy Bowers-covered Teen be. Jordan, I'm just kind of surprised that you didn't read all about this in the Andy Bowers covered Teen Beat. Oh, yeah. Remember you had the sidebar about the different stuff Emily does around the office.

I cut it up. I got the Teen Beat and I forgot to read it because I was cutting it up to make my Andy Bowers collage. Gotcha. Gotcha. So I needed the section from the Clearacel ad that said, be the sexiest you can be. So I cut that out.

Right. And I needed the one from the Ed Hardy bikini ad that said, Fun in the sun. Right. So I cut that out. And by the time I did that, the article was unreadable. The same thing happened to me the other day. Somebody was asking me if I had read this piece in The Economist.

And I was doing this body image collage, and I cut The Economist to shreds. I mean, just torn it apart, because it's so rich if you really read between the lines of what they're saying in that magazine about our bodies and health and stuff like that. Anyway, I don't mean to take the focus off of Emily.

But, I mean, specifically, we wanted you to come on today because you kind of had a real unusual experience. You had to make Slate V pieces at the Republican National Convention recently. Yes. Had you ever been to a political convention before of any party? No. Peace and Freedom Party? No. Natural Law?

No. Peace and Freedom Party. No. Natural Law. No. Did you know the Natural Law Party, their convention just happens over in Frank's basement? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Anyways, and the Free Soiler one happens the day before, so there's still some Free Soiler stuff up. Just a couple of Free Soilers. Yeah, they just kind of paste the natural law posters over. Sometimes they peel and you can see them. It's a little embarrassing, but you know what? It's part of the charm, really. To be honest, it's no more embarrassing than the fact that the free soilers are still so worked up over the issues of the mid-19th century. You know, gold standard, silver standard, that kind of thing. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. You know, gold standard, silver standard, that kind of thing. Oh, yeah. Anyway, so the Republican National Convention in... Yeah, what state? Minneapolis, Minnesota? Yes. St. Paul. Minneapolis.

St. Paul's kind of nicer than Minneapolis. Am I mistaken in thinking that? You know, I didn't get a chance to check many places out, but I actually went out to lunch one day in Minneapolis, and it was really cute. It was really artsy. But yeah, I think St. Paul kind of... A lot of theater spaces, maybe?

Yeah, yeah. A lot of community theater spaces? Yeah, yeah. I was really impressed with the section of Minneapolis that I visited. Now, you didn't get to do a lot of different stuff in Minneapolis because you were hanging out with Prince? Yes. Okay. I just wanted to double check. In the Prince

cave. Yeah. That's where I edited all the videos. Wow. How'd you get anything done? It was hard. With all the dancing. He's like, do you want to try on my heels? And you're like, I'm busy. I'm busy. I'm like, just put them on me while I'm editing. I'll just wear them while I'm wear them i'll look at them later

prince please 10 minutes okay so so what was so emily what was it what was it like like what were your first impressions well uh i was kind of sent there uh by andy bowers my boss um wow andy bowers wait the andy bowers the one we were talking about earlier yes i work with him every by Andy Bowers, my boss. Wow, Andy Bowers. Wait, the Andy Bowers? Yes, the Andy Bowers. The one we were talking about earlier? Yes. Wow. I work with him every day.

Ask him if he got my collage. I think we did get it in the office today. I put it on his desk. Wait, are you talking about Andy Bowers from the popular children's podcast, The Sugar Monster? Yes, I am. Holy mackerel.

Okay, continue, continue. I didn't mean to. I just got excited excited we're talking first impressions republican first impressions uh well our our other video producer uh andy bouvet went to denver before the week before i did and we were both kind of told before we went to the convention um you know you're gonna go there you're gonna be by yourself just look around see what you think is interesting, try to find weird stuff and go for it. So that was kind of like my mindset going in. And to be honest, the first time that I entered, I was like, whoa, people are dressed amazingly here. Like the fashion was incredible. It was like a seersucker suit soiree. That's what I called it. It was like so many seersucker suits, I couldn't believe it.

Really? Oh, yeah. It's surprising to me that anybody can wear a seersucker suit without a little bit of irony, right? No, there was none. Are we talking about white shoes or tan shoes? I think tan shoes. Okay. A lot of boater hats.

Now, at the convention, do people wear a real boater or do they wear a novelty boater? I'm not sure I know what the difference is. Well, a real boater is made of actual straw. A novelty boater is usually made out of styrofoam. No, they were real boaters. Oh, wow. A real boater. Andy Bowers. Oh, wow. A real boater. Andy Bowers.

Man, Emily, you really come here and made all of our dreams come true in our minds. Yeah, I mean, and I guess we have, you know, as, you know, I forget what coast we lived on. West Coast. West Coast elitists. West Coast elitists. I mean, we kind of have this view of the republican you know like we kind of imagined it you know you know big white guys and moms with perms and stuff like that is is how how close to a gross stereotype was it um well i i described it

um to my friends and family as a sea of whiteness. That's kind of how I felt about it. They were working very hard to court Latino voters. Did you feel that as a Latina you were courted at all? No, nobody tried to court me. People were very fearful of me. They blew their big shot. I know. This is the first time they've ever met a Latino or Latina in a non-service industry capacity.

Yeah, or even somebody who resembles a Latina, but maybe isn't. Like a swarthy Italian. Yeah, exactly. That could be one of, yeah. Okay, so sea of whiteness. You were overwhelmed by a sea of whiteness. The fashion is just incredible but i watch your videos and there was a black person in the videos that you made i did find one person of

color and quickly ran over to interview them because i wanted to know why they were there and what was on the line he quickly tossed a bolo around his ankle he said, you hog tied him. He he was he was a very reasonable man. Very we had a very cool headed conversation after I turned my camera off. But he was fearful. So you turn the camera off and you asked him, what's your deal? You asked him seriously, right? I really did. Actually, I was like, I'm surprised to see you here.

That's kind of what I said. And he's you know, he And he was a very conservative person, and he believed in the conservative values of the Republican Party. So what did people, did people like, do you feel like people came right out and explicitly stated their expectations of you as a whatever coastal elitist of color who works for the Washington Post's company at large? Yes. Well, the first day I was telling people I worked at Slate,

and that was kind of a mistake because either people didn't know we were Slate, or maybe they thought we were Salon, or people, actually one of the first groups of women it was like um you know moms for palin or something i told them i was from slate and one of them was like i know what slate is we're not we're not talking to you come on girls and she like left and they all just and they all just turned around and faced the other way in unison literally literally and there was one woman in the group we're going to the smoking patio there's one woman in the group. We're going to the smoking patio. There was one woman who was like, oh, well, maybe we should talk to her. And then the ringleader was like, oh, no, they're going to twist our words, you know. Using the ultimate word twisting medium, video.

Yeah. So I tried my best to come off just kind of like, you know, because I think I do like kind of young. I just kind of tried to come off as just very sweet and open and, you know, open minded, willing to talk, which is, you know, kind of how I approach the videos in general. I don't think I put, you know, anybody. I wasn't grilling people on Palin or McCain or anything. I just kind of. You didn't know gotcha questions. Yeah. Yeah.

The Katie Couric gotcha question. You mentioned young. What was the age? Was that like you would expect? Did it skew super, super old? Yeah. I don't think I really saw very many college-aged people or younger. There was a group of pages. I think they're the congressional pages. And I, like, saw them and went right to them. And, of course, they had a, you know, they had a, what's it called? Special necktie? They did have a special necktie.

No, but, you know, they had chaperones. Oh, they were in an anti-molestation dome. Yes. People are always molested in my hair. Tinfoil hats? Is that what you were looking for? Tinfoil hats. Oh, raccoon tails. Yes.

So, okay. So there, in this process, you were involved in something that you described to me as scandalous. Could you tell us about that? You were embroiled in a scandal, Emily. Well, I... You caused an international incident of some kind. Tell us about it. Well, I guess I want to put this in a way that um won't get me in trouble with the person

who sure okay absolutely john mccain yeah it was john mccain last name starts with an m and ends with an n um and in the middle is k yeah uh and his full name is john mccain and it's the senate one not a different one for mccain's hardware yeah um but yes absolutely being as delicate as possible and absolutely not losing a job yes um well i uh i was out um i was out doing like kind of a side video on the fashion and interviewing people on what they were wearing. And I stumbled across, you know, a young man who was dressed interestingly. And, you know, I interviewed him.

And he... How was he dressed? How was he dressed interestingly? He was wearing a western shirt that was open. And he was wearing these kind of, like, flamboyant sunglasses. He was just definitely was somebody that, you know, your eye is attracted to. Sure, sure. I know my eye was attracted to him.

All right, Jesse. That's enough gay stuff. Okay, sorry. Emily, thank you. Sorry, Emily. Anyway, so, you know, I interview him and he ends up kind of saying this. At the very end of the interview after I've, you know, got him on camera. He he ends up saying this kind of sexist remark.

And I just promptly, you know, end the conversation and start to walk away. And so I think that's the end of it. I go on about my business and later on I'm down in the Washington Post workspace trying to do, you know, trying to work. And he walks in, which is surprising to me because um i never told him to meet me down there and he didn't explicitly say it i didn't say with your outfit and your good looks your woman's gestures yes yeah i i guess yeah i guess he could have gleaned that from our conversation our business like Particularly the part where you, would you say it was the part where you interviewed him for a major website,

or possibly the part where you were offended by something he said, turned around, and walked away? Which one of those do you think? One of the two. I think he thought I was being coy. Well, ladies do that. Ladies do do that. Ladies do that.

Mm-hmm. I think we've all run into that. I ran into that once with Mr. Andy Bowers, but that's another story. So I'm in the workspace, and he walks in, and he says, hey, baby, I'm glad I found you. Like, just with that intonation, too. Like, No different. It's interesting that there's a man who still thinks it's a good idea to call a woman baby. This man. I feel like Emily's not really in a position to be too specific about what this guy was like, but having seen some video of him being interviewed elsewhere, non-Slate related video of this same delegate being interviewed, I feel comfortable personally saying he was the king of all douchebags.

This guy was such a monstrous douchebag that it almost hurt my brain that someone could douchebag so profoundly and publicly at a major political event. So continue. So he comes into the room. Hey, baby. Hey, baby, in front of everybody. And I'm sitting amongst all of these reporters. Nobody really knows who I am because I'm the only person from Slate V. You know, I'm already, it's hard

to get that respect. You know, I'm trying to get the respect of our audience. You're there with Woodward, Bernstein, Tom Shales, famous television critic Tom Shales of the Washington Post. Thomas Boswell, the famous sports writer of the Washington Post. Thomas Pynchon. Thomas Pynchon, the legendary novelist, and others. Thomas Paine, the American revolutionary.

Max Paine, from the upcoming film Max Paine, starring Max Paine. Max Headroom, 1980s cultural phenomenon. And my style has a lot of headroom. Let's continue. Okay. Yeah, so they were all there. They were all sitting around eating. And, you know, I mean, I was just kind of embarrassed because here I am sitting there,

and I'm worried that everybody, colleagues, are possibly thinking that I flirted my way through an interview or something. Right? That's, like, my first thought. Yeah, that you're just smooching your way through the convention. Yeah, I can see how you might be worried about that. You are especially young. You are looking different than most people. Yeah, I can understand that.

Better looking than most print reporters. Sure. Oh, thank you. Anyway, so I tell him, I don't know what you thought when I interviewed you, but you really need to leave. This is only for authorized people or whatever. And so he gets really upset very professional yeah yeah i just was like you you i was really embarrassed and i wasn't um i wasn't going to be nice to him anymore and so so he says okay well fine i'll be in reuters and you're not invited like trying to be coy back toward me um i'll be at reuters enjoying the cheese plate yeah so i was like okay good you know go to reuters like i'll see you later

see you if i can i'll be at ap yeah um getting drunk so they're ap scotch so after that i'm just like wow that guy was like totally out of line. I can't believe it, you know. And so then, you know, the rest of the week goes on. Everything's fine. McCain gives his acceptance speech. And the next week, my boyfriend is reading a, you know, a blog, a popular blog, and he says, and, you know, of course, I had told, like, you know, I told my boyfriend about this, and we were laughing, and

he's like, oh, you're friends on this blog, and so I'm like, oh, wow, so we go, and we look at the blog posting, and it turns out, as reported by the Pioneer Press, that that same night that we had had that little altercation, he had met a woman at a party. She had brought him back to her hotel room. Wow. Or to his hotel room. She made him a drink, and that was the last thing that he remembers.

she made him a drink and that was the last thing that he remembers um she basically roofied him and stole all of his money and all of his jewelry and like everything the best part about sunglasses this the guy had like fifty thousand dollars worth of jewelry with him he He had like a diamond Rolex. He had a $20,000 cocktail ring on. Which is the ring I was inspecting while I was interviewing him. It was truly spectacular. And he even like, and he itemized it. They quoted him in the newspaper.

And he itemized it for them and included a $2,000 belt. Oh my God. Wow. So it's not often that certain people get their comeuppance but this was like truly let's comeuppance yeah that's appropriate yeah wow um yeah maybe yeah well if you just might have put out damn it it, then he might not have lost his... $100,000 worth of golden jewelry. That's funny that... Yeah, I mean, I guess that's...

I guess any time there's a convention or an out-of-town, I mean, you guys, like... It's funny going to the Republican National Convention to get laid. Oh, yeah. It's such a funny idea. I mean, it's a big party. That's what everybody does. Yeah. And so you say you did not get to go to any after parties.

No, I didn't. And that's mostly just because I shot during the day and then edited all night. Because of my schedule, I couldn't really go out. Although I did try to go to one party, but was turned away at the door, even though I had press credentials. Was that a Reuters party? I heard they're really hard to get into. Yeah, it was.

That's what I heard. It was one of the toughest news syndication outlets to get into the parties of. They're the best, that's why. Best parties. Well, Deutsche Press might have something to say about that. I don't know Reuters babes man

Legendary Legendary Those are some Legendary babes Why do you think They're so strong Worldwide Yeah

What were you gonna say Jordan I think you were about To say something No legendary Reuters babes That was it Oh okay That was the comment

I was gonna make Just legendary Reuters babes Yeah You sure you didn't Want to say anything About Andy Bowers Andy Bowers Andy Bowers? Andy Bowers. Andy Bowers.

He's great. He's fantastic. So. There we go. I think that worked out well. Yeah, that was fantastic. Yeah. Well, yeah.

Thanks, Emily. Good story. Emily, thank you. No problem. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Emily Calderon, America's radio sweetheart, lady sweetheart. See, it sounds fantastic when Emily says it. It's graceful like a swan coming in for a landing. Absolutely. It's as beautiful as a swan as it emerges from its chrysalis and spreads its wings for the first time. But they're all wet with mucus. Swan mucus.

Glistening swan mucus. Sure. Specifically, Jordan. I'm listening, Swan Mukish, specifically Jordan. Jordan, I feel like having me here is helpful to you sometimes. But having someone like Emily here, someone with a level head, someone who has edited the Dear Prudence letters on Slate V. Someone who's pulling down good money. Someone who's pulling down

real professional Washington Post company type money. I feel like between the two of us, we can take any problem you're having in your entire life, no matter what it is, and offer you guidance. Here's an issue, is that I lately

have been mean to people who have been trying to give me a compliment or be nice to me. Here are two examples of this. Number one. Number one was very recently. I was waiting at a bar to get a drink, and the cocktail waitress comes up to me. This is a nice, cute young woman comes up to me, and she says, Hey, has anybody ever told you you look like Jack Osborne?

And I said, yeah, you know, I get that all the time. People only tell me I look like the dumbest, ugliest celebrities. And she just she looks so she looks so like really felt bad that she had offended me. Which is just trying to be nice. No, you know, she wasn't trying to insult. She just looked so, like, really felt bad that she had offended me. She was just trying to be nice. No, you know, she wasn't trying to insult. She was just trying to make conversation. She wasn't working for a tip.

No, absolutely not. You'd already ordered a drink from the bartender. She wasn't trying to, you know, just a nice making conversation. So, yeah, I did that. But, you know, I feel like people do tell me i look like celebrities and indefinitely that celebrity one of the things they're famous for is being ugly it's terrible yeah i mean i don't i mean i'm not i'm not i'm not i'm no jude law i will admit that i i will not you know no one's i'm not getting leave schreiber from anybody i'm under no get james franco from time to time no i don't think i i i would no i'm not getting franco

anyways uh time two you're more of a johnny depp sure uh and then i'm always wearing a weird outfit and speaking with an affect yeah affecting my. And you're friends with Tim Burton. Sure. Time to, I was at a friend's play and I was kind of milling about in the lobby at intermission and there was, there was a guy and it was a guy there with his girlfriend and then some sort of parent and they were kind of looking and kind of pointing and whispering at

each other. And, and the guy came over to me and he's like, Hey, you know, I just, right before we left the house we uh we watched a video of you uh on the internet and i just said uh yeah i'm that cat who flushes the toilet and then i walked off this guy was just trying to make conversation in the lobby of a play i just and and you know to to my credit that's kind of a clever thing to say yeah it is but i should have said i'm just kidding thank you uh what did you see what's your name did you like it thank you for watching what are you here

for do you know someone in the play i mean that that should have that's the that's the human being's response to that. I mean, yeah. Anyways, but I just chose to say it and then leave. Anyways. Yeah, and what's special about it is in the lobby of a play, there's nowhere to go. Yeah, I just went and sat in my seat. And I maybe wanted to mill about some more, but I just felt like I had made that exit and there was no reentering after that. Were you wearing a cape at all? Did you throw down any flash powder?

I should have. I threw down a packet of cocaine that was in my pocket. And a dog ate it. That was funny. I don't know why the dog was in the lobby of the theater. It was in the play. Oh, play dog. Yeah.

It inserted itself into a few more scenes in the second act if you know what i mean i was watching budget glory of christmas yeah where the dog comes to visit jesus um anyway i feel like the first instance is kind of like that's a warranted comment coming from you i don't know but i don't know who that actor is that she said oh jack osborne um he's ozzy osbourne's son you remember when ozzy osbourne had the reality show oh oh that's horrible yeah he's like known for being fat and unpleasant that that to me like that would piss me off yeah somebody said that did you deck him i would have i had the same response which was just to walk away and sit down. Like, say the thing and then walk away.

Maybe I'm just concerned with making an exit, you know? And when I feel like I've got that exit, I do it. Maybe it's just this, Jordan. You just get so excited when you have a good line. A, you have to say it. And then B, you can't see it going anywhere else. The whole thing's done once you've delivered your line. I've even been thinking to myself, maybe I should be making more friends and being more social than I am.

But when I do have the chance to meet someone new, I just say something mean to them and then leave. Maybe you're just kind of embarrassed because you're being put on the spot and you want it to end. Yeah. You don't want any more attention paid to you. Yeah. It's a great way to, you know, these people these are valid conversation starters, I feel like. Although, from the cocktail waitress, I would

have maybe appreciated you were a thinner Jack Osborne or you were a cuter jack osborne or you're a you know maybe non-entitled seem like a well-adjusted person jack osborne anyway whatever but a lot of times i think when people say you look like somebody it's like their own projection yeah you know like unless you really look like them, it's... I do look a little... To be fair. To be fair.

I look a little like him. Okay, let's do some momentous occasions to cleanse our palace. Let's do it. Let's do it. Hi, Jordan and Jesse. It's Leanne. And Lauren. Today we're calling from Lauren's guest bedroom with a momentous occasion.

We just registered for Max FunCon. Ah! No, don't come. You sound too high-pitched. Jordan, you're supposed to be working on this. Oh, yeah. Yes, thanks, guys. These people are coming because they're excited to see you.

These are federal employees, Jordan. They have a lot of power. They're federal employees? How did you know that? Because it's Lauren and Leanne. Remember, they called us from federal property recently. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They called from the, I was going to say gas station bathroom, post office bathroom.

Yeah, exactly. Now, this time they weren't calling from federal property, so maybe you can take what they said with a grain of salt, because it's just from Leanne's guest bedroom. But on the other hand, we now know that Leanne has a guest bedroom, which means she must be pretty powerful and influential. Sure. Because she has an extra bedroom just for guests. Dignitaries.

You know who I bet comes to visit her? Captains of industry. My best guess? Dennis Miller. Wow. I know, right? The Dennis Miller, I bet, comes to visit her. Captains of industry. My best guess, Dennis Miller. Wow. I know, right? The Dennis Miller, I bet, has been there. Man, do you think he does some of his famous rants in her house?

Absolutely. I bet he makes some cryptic allusions, like maybe to Caligula or something like that. And then does something from low culture. Absolutely. Immediately after. Boom, boom, boom, boom. He's going back and forth, back and forth. What is this?

The Leguilaro, that chick from Weird Science. It's not a good... Neither of us have a good Dennis Miller impression. Hey, Jordan and Jesse, this is David from Milwaukee. Just a pretty momentous thing happening in my life. Last night I bought a bowler hat. In about five hours I will be the proud owner of a tuxedo tailcoat. Now, gosh, I don't...

The young man who called in, I think you guys will both agree, sound like a nice fella. Sure. A little whispery. But a decent... He sounded like he had a good heart. Sure. He didn't say what his outfit was for, though. It was for a formal occasion. Oh. That's my presumption.

I presume it was for a formal occasion that began after six. Uh-huh. That's my presumption. I presume it was for a formal occasion that began after six. That's my presumption. Unfortunately, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but he does not want a bowler hat. What kind of hat does he want? Homburg. Homburg. He's looking for a Homburg, not a bowler. Now, it's

possible, it's also possible that he got a Homburg and is just calling it a bowler hat. He was looking for a pinstripe banker's suit rather than a tuxedo tailcoat. You see what I'm saying? So it's possible that the bowler hat was the one that was

correct, and he just mistakenly purchased the wrong coat. You're saying these two items are disparate. They're incompatible, I would say. Yeah, it's like trying to play a mini disc in a cassette deck. Also, why do you have a mini disc? You know what I mean? It's like that technology never took off.

Yeah. See what I'm saying? Yeah, maybe it's the only format you have certain Stone Temple Pilots albums on. Fair enough. Fair enough. You want to rebuy all those Stone Temple Pilots albums. Yeah. And you want to re-listen to them because of the reunion.

Absolutely. And plus, you just want to rock out with STP. Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? So, no, I still can't condone this. If you're going to wear a hat with your evening wear, it should be a home perk. It should not be a bowler. Okay.

Hey, George, nice to go. This has been Seattle, and I'm drunk for the first time. And a girl just put me in the friend zone. So, thanks. Classic. Talk to you guys later. a girl that put me in the friend zone. So... Classic. Talk to you guys later. What did he say now? He's drunk for the first time.

For the first time, and a girl just put him in the friend zone, I think. What does that mean, put him in the friend zone? I think he probably just made an inappropriate pass at a girl while he was drunk. Is that the, I just want to be friends with you? Yeah, it sounds like it. I think that's friend zone. That sounds right.

That sounds right. Now, Jordan, now, when we play these calls, I don't want people to think that we're encouraging people to behave irresponsibly. If you do, though, make sure it's funny and you're calling us. You call us while it's happening, not afterwards.

Yeah, I mean, this is kind of like, you know, it's a lot like the argument for and against abstinence education. We're not saying to have sex, but if you do, call us. Uh-huh, absolutely. It's the safest way to do it. Absolutely. Jordan, did you know that a girl can't get pregnant if she calls us immediately after copulation? Also, you're in a hot tub. Yeah, and you also have to be in a hot tub.

That's true. So there's a lot of ways to prevent pregnancy. It's the interplay between the water and the microwaves coming out of the telephone. Did you know that telephones generate microwaves, Emily? Have your videography training prepared you for that knowledge? Cell phones? Cell phones. Cellular telephones do emit microwaves. Yes, I just heard that on KPPC the other day.

You know, microwaves, the appliance, actually emit... Emit telephones. Telephones. Fair enough. Jordan, Jesse telephones. Telephones. Fair enough. Jordan, Jesse, go. I just had a strange momentous occasion. I saw something I never expected I'd see. I live in Redwood City, California, and was driving home down a very steep hill in a wooded area.

And zooming past me in a bike lane was a gentleman on a bike i can only describe as a dandy cycle from the uh 1890s this was a bike with a tire that was roughly six feet across um in the front and then the back wheel was like a half-size standard bike wheel zooming down at high speed in a in a helmet, I could not believe my eyes. Ultimately, this man may be nominated for president. He threw that in there, just in case we wanted to use it for the other segment, which is thoughtful of him. The listeners like to build in a couple possible segments for us to use their calling, just

in case. Jordan, I'm not surprised that it blew by him. Why do you think they call it a velocipede? You know what I mean? You know what I'm saying, Jordan? Yep. Now, here's the thing about this bicycle. This is compatible with a bowler hat.

Yeah. Entirely, perfectly compatible with a bowler hat. In fact, I would suggest that riding a veelocipede demands a bowler hat. Yeah, this guy's wearing a helmet. What a chump. I know. Well, maybe the hat was under the helmet. Oh, yeah, that's true.

But you can get a bowler hat big enough to fit over your helmet if you insist on wearing a helmet. And that way you'll be both comfortable, safe, and stylish. Did you know that they stopped riding Velocipedes not because they were bad bicycles, but because they were too dangerous? Wow. Because people would fall off and like die. Man, sounds like a pretty sound argument

for bringing them back, huh? Because they're... I had no idea. I thought they were just bad bicycles. I'd like to see a velocipede race held in a velodrome. Is that something you might be interested in at all, Jordan? I don't know if there's a bit of fondant involved. Count me in.

Some gingham. Striker to the line. Leg it, leg it, leg it. I'm just saying things I learned at that 19th century baseball recreation I attended once. Yeah, let's hear the next one. Oh, that's it. Oh, good. Okay, well, we'll be back in Oh, that's it. Oh, good. Okay, well we'll be back

in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Emily Calderon, polite guest. She is very polite. You are having very polite. It's a very apt nickname.

Sure, I'll take it. It's incredibly apt. It's a little bit clunky, but very apt. This is just a lot to say. I would prefer something be apt. I'd prefer something be a little bit easier to say and shorter, like, say, America's Radio Sweetheart. Just something that's snappy rather than polite guest.

Can I be America's Radio Sweetheart too? Yes, absolutely. That's fine. Absolutely. Well, you're certainly America's Radio Sweetheart lady, right? Yeah, that clunks it up. Adding lady. right yeah that clunks it up that clunks it up adding lady what about uh uh america's radio sweetheart lady sweetheart that's fine okay good i like that we last week on the program

uh we add no two weeks ago on the program we asked people for their presidential nominations uh with the uh with the uh amendment that it cannot be an actual politician yeah no real politician or someone involved with politics in an obnoxious way like michael moore for instance emily as if as a video journalist you know just as well as we do that the politicians have already stunk up washington we need some we need to send somebody in there to clean it up. You see what I'm saying? Clean it up. Now, somebody called and said that it should be David Letterman and Ira Glass.

But I decided not to play that because I think they were just telling me what I want to hear. Sure. They know who picks out what calls go on the show. They're just trying to talk you off. Exactly. Exactly. And then, somewhat...

Let's be clear. It is Jesse who picks the calls that go on the show. If I picked the calls, this would be a very different program. Yeah, it'd be one without calls. Because I can't work the machine. Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's my impression of us. Let's hear what our beloved listeners had to suggest. Hey, JJ Goh. This is Brad from Virginia, Arlington, Virginia. I just wanted to let you know my candidate for president is Canada. I think Canada rocks. They're nice. They're clean, they're friendly,

and they seem to have it together up there. They've got health care, universal. I like it. I'm voting Canada 08. I don't know. What do you think, Jordan? Yeah, I like it. I had a lovely experience in Canada.

You went to Vancouver, British Columbia, if I'm not mistaken. What did you think? I'd have a beer with Canada. Absolutely. Have you ever been to Canada, Emily? I have. I've been to Vancouver, British Columbia, if I'm not mistaken. What did you think? I'd have a beer with Canada. Absolutely. Have you ever been to Canada, Emily? I have. I've been to Vancouver, briefly. Impressions?

It was beautiful, but Canada strikes me as a little stale at the same time. Kind of boring. Maybe soft on crime. But I heard Montreal is really cool. I've never been there. So, but I don't know. Here's what I'm thinking. I think that both of you are absolutely correct. However, number one, I think Jordan been there. So, but I don't know. Here's what I'm thinking. I think that both of you are absolutely correct.

However, number one, I think Jordan's correct. Canada as a whole, too soft on crime. And as you pointed out, quite trenchantly, a little bit staid, a little bit boring, a little bit of a snooze fest. Now, Montreal, somewhat more exciting. I think Montreal's a loose cannon. I do not trust Montreal with the bomb. Yeah. You're right.

It has a history. Look when it was in the military. It was reprimanded eight times. Absolutely. It was court-martialed. Yeah, exactly. Loose cannon, can't trust it. I say no.

Hi, Jordan. Loose cannon, can't trust it. I say no. Hi, Jordan. Jessie Go. I was just calling in with my choice for the president. I would like to nominate Juanita from Jessie's Spanish class. Reason number one, I think it's time we have a black woman in office. Reason number two, she seems like she can admit when she is wrong or when she can't understand something. She's not hesitant to ask for help.

Reason number three, she is making the step to learn another language, and I think that she could lead America into doing the same. And I would just like to repeat that I'm endorsing Juanita from Jesse's Fan Class. Thank you. For clarity. She repeated it for clarity and emphasis.

Now, Emily, you don't know a lot about Juanita. No, I don't know anything about Juanita. She's a middle-aged woman. She works at the DMV. Sometimes she wears a DMV smock. Overweight. So she's tough She's overweight, she's certainly tough

No doubt about it Juanita does not take any mess from anybody Certainly not Certainly not her eldest daughter Certainly not her youngest daughter Much less her middle daughter Three daughters Juanita has Now Juanita's email address

is the name of two of her daughters, her younger two daughters. Now, her elder daughter, she doesn't get along with as well as the younger two daughters. So she left her out of the email address. So she left her out of the email address, but they're still mother and daughter.

They love each other. They talk all the time. And she thinks her elder daughter understands why she would choose the younger two, because they're the babies. You see what I'm saying? And they're the ones who help Juanita check her email. Jordan, do you have any feelings about Juanita for president? Well, you know, I haven't met the woman.

Right. She seems lovely, from what you say she really is a lovely that's another thing to her credit she is a very lovely woman she looks fantastic when I found out she was in her 50s I didn't believe it

she sounds like maybe I don't know I don't know how she would handle herself at a UN dinner here's what I think what's our nation looking for right now hope, optimism, a new way I don't know how she would handle herself at a UN dinner. Here's what I think. What's our nation looking for right now? Hope, optimism, a new way. Loudness.

Now, she's not... She doesn't yell that much. She kind of yells. And it's not a mean yell. It's a friendly yell. Okay, but I'm just saying, like, when you don't know English know english you just hear her yelling you just hear the president yelling at you you get threatened you start firing automatic weapons blammo world war three jordan you've never seen this woman smile no probably not the she smiles she goes up to alaska vladimir Vladimir Putin starts peering at her. She throws up one of those big, patented Juanita smiles.

And she says, why are we fighting, baby? Get your fanny out of Georgia, she would say. Jordan, this is a real woman, not a racist caricature. No, no, you're right. I'm sorry. That was racist, Jordan. She would say, me love you long time. I'm really sorry. Okay, no, you're right. I'm sorry. That was racist, Jordan. She would say, me love you long time. I'm really sorry.

Okay, no, but Juanita, one smile from Juanita could melt the coldest of dictators' hearts, is what I'm saying. Everyone loves Juanita, Jordan. Can we meet in the middle? Can we meet in the middle? From the Armenian Backstreet Boys guys to the two old white ladies in the front who can't pronounce anything in Spanish. I'll tell you who loves Juanita.

Hassan loves Juanita. Hassan can't get enough Juanita. Can we meet in the middle? Secretary of Transportation. What's that? Is that the middle between President and nothing? Yes. The Secretary of Transportation. It's the middle between

President and Juanita. You know what? What about the press secretary she would make a good press secretary her communications are rarely uh subtle they lack some of the sort of finer points that you might look for in a press secretary do you think she would take questions from the press? Gladly. Yeah. And would the press love her? Absolutely. As long as the questions were about her grandkids.

Here's the thing. That's the kind of, yeah. I don't think Juanita would be up for the obfuscation that you might need to engage in, in which you might need to engage as press secretary. Mm-hmm. That's fair. If Juanita is anything, she's a straight shooter. Do you think Juanita would come on Jordan, Jesse, go?

Let's cross that bridge when we come to it. Okay, how about this? Can I invite Juanita to come on Jordan, Jesse, go? Anything's possible. It's your house. Okay, well, I think so far, of all the candidates we've heard, I think we can all agree Juanita is the strongest candidate thus far. She's the leader of the pack, if you will.

Now, she could fall mightily. Look what happened in the presidential primaries. Everyone expected Hillary Clinton to win the Democratic nomination in a walk. She had to break into a run, and she still didn't end up winning. Remember what happened to poor old Howard Dean, too. Absolutely. With one crazy yell, Howard Dean torpedoed his chances at the Democratic nomination in the year 2004. 2000?

I don't know. Yeah, 2004. No, 2000 was Al Gore, so it's 2004. Yeah, 2004. We're all good. I know stuff. Hey, JJ Goh, this is Jason from Chicago, and I have to cast my vote for Margaret Cho, comedian, for president.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Next. You know what? I think we might have spoken too soon. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Because I think we're thinking of the same Margaret Cho, right? She's the one... Famous Korean woman. Sure. I don't believe she's a comedian. No, no. She's famous for having a reality show featuring midgets. Right.

I don't think there's any comedy involved. So he's talking about a different Margaret Cho. He is. We'd need to hear more about this comedian Margaret Cho's qualifications. Oh, that's true. More info. Hey, Jordan and Jesse, but the girls versions of both of your names. I have a presidential candidate for you.

I have a presidential candidate for you, Dwayne Michael Carter, a.k.a. Lil Wayne, Lil Wheezy, Wheezy F. Baby, Whizzle, Young Money, Wheezy Wee, Ratoon, Lil Wheezy Anna, and he could just work for the one salary, basically reducing our deficit into a surplus in about three weeks. All right. Thanks, guys. Number one, I'm unconvinced that Wheezy's various personae could somehow split apart in order to handle different parts of the government. Yeah, we would need a vortex. split apart in order to handle different parts of the government. Yeah, we would need a vortex. Number two, I think there's also a downside to electing Wheezy F Baby,

which is that he appears to be severely addicted to codeine cough syrup. So I don't know if he would have the raw... JFK was on meds, man. JFK had all kinds of pain meds. That's why his face was so puffy. Really? He did a great job. He was all puffed up on meds, huh? Yeah.

Have you ever been puffed up on meds, Emily? When I had my wisdom teeth removed, I was. You're all puffed up on meds. Did you feel more qualified to govern? I did. And criticisms just bounced right off me. Right off your puff. Did you feel like you had the reaction time to be president?

Yes. Let's say Vladimir Putin challenged you to a game of centipede. Do you think you could have taken him on? Totally. This is an arcade machine with a trackball, mind you. This is not with a joystick. I might need one chance to get through, die, and then

come back. So you would just only... You could do it with only one life. Yes. One extra life. Do you think Wheezy F. Baby could do it with only one life? Oh, yeah. He's probably immune to the cough syrup at this point, right? Yeah, he just drinks it out of habit.

He just drinks it to get by. He's not even getting in the high anymore. Yeah. We have to take that into consideration. Sure. Now let me ask you this question. that the Birdman, senior, not junior, the Birdman, would insinuate himself into our nation's political discourse.

And his secondary question... Time out. What does Lil Wayne sing again? I don't know. What's his song? What's his big song? He has lots of songs. The most recent hit song was Lollipop.

Okay. How's that go? It's got a lot of rapping in it. Okay. A Millie, that was another big hit from his record. Yeah. The beat went a Millie, a Millie, a Millie, a Millie, a Millie, like that. Okay.

Go ahead, continue. I kind of know what you're talking about. Maybe you know his song Stuntin' Like My Daddy. That would be in reference to Birdman Sr. Okay. I keep going okay uh anyway what i'm saying is the birdman senior is the number one stunner and i wonder if he would uh possibly make unreasonable demands on the stunning of various americans who are frankly not even stunners much less competitive stun, much less competitive stunnas, much less champion stunnas.

This sounds really complicated. I don't even know what any of this is. Yeah, that's why I think it's a dangerous choice for president. You see what I'm saying? It's too baffling. Just with having all those names, it's baffling. I thought you were talking about the Birdman of Alcatraz. See, this is the kind i thought you were talking about the bird man of alcatraz see this

is the kind of thing we're talking about i would say that the bird man of alcatraz would be a better choice than wheezy f baby and the bird man of alcatraz i think was a murderer multi-murderer possibly sure many murders how many murders do you think he committed roughly emily i have no idea yeah see even emily a video journalist doesn't know how many murders this man committed. Too many murders. Too many. Too many to count. Yet he's still a better candidate than Lil' Louisiana.

Wow. That's truly remarkable. This is the no-spin zone right here. Stunting like... They say it's somewhere else. It's not. It's here. Stunting like... They say it's somewhere else. It's not. It's here. Stunting like my daddy?

Not in the White House, you won't. Mr. Baby. Mr. F... John Baby. Mr. F Baby. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. It's Jordan, Jesse, Go. I jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective i'm emily calderon america's radio sweetheart lady sweetheart i like it you see how good it is when she says it jordan yeah you see how good it is when she

says it it's nice because she's a professional journalist, unlike us. We're professional pseudo-journalists. Yeah. Yeah. Now, Jordan. And Emily, for your benefit. I don't think I'm a pseudo-journalist. What kind of journalism are we doing? You're doing entertainment journalism.

Oh, right, right, right. Comic entertainment journalism. That's true. I'm doing pseudo-journalism by interviewing comedians on the radio. I forgot what my job was. Yeah, sometimes, once in a while, somebody will say something about me being a journalist, and it just rings so false to me. I am clearly not a, I have no standards.

I have no journalistic education. Emily, how do you feel about the title journalist? Can you deal with that? I do think it's kind of out of place in this multimedia world we live in now. Because you don't work for a journal. Exactly. Slate B is a journal of sorts, isn't it? I would argue that

Slate is, but even today, as I was about to come onto the show, I was like, wait, should I keep some sort of journalistic integrity when I reflect upon the GOP convention? But then I was like, am I a journalist? This is a no integrity type situation. I want to make that absolutely clear.

We just want to talk about the douchebag with the giant sunglasses who got roofied. Now, last week on the program, we decided that we wanted to name some things, and specifically listeners' things, just because it's a satisfying exercise of power. The power that we have somehow obtained through, I don't know, I'd say...

Internet, yeah, I would say a combination of deceit and technology. Mm-hmm. So we got some really amazing ones, and there are some that I saved for us to answer on the next program because they're ones that I want to talk to people about. Yeah, yeah, maybe something that needs more.

Yeah. But we're recording this week's program a little bit late in the evening, so I didn't want to call anybody and bother them at home late in the evening. So I thought instead we would make this a sort of lightning round. So no more than 60 seconds or so on each one of these. Wow. And I haven't, I, I, we have not heard these. Emily and I have, Jesse, you've heard these. I heard them, but I've

promptly forgot them. Okay. So we're going quickly through these. We're just going to brainstorm a few names and pick something. Okay. I'm going to say for these ones, they're not binding. Yeah, it would be nice if you

would actually fucking put your belly on the bar, assholes. Yeah. And name it what we say to name it. But because we're doing this quickly, this is sort of like a practice speed round where these are strong recommendations. Is that scene right? Sure. Right.

These are the best possible option, but you don't have to take it. We ask that you use this name that we're about to suggest, but we do not demand... If you don't stop listening. But we do not demand that you use the name. Okay. Okay. If you're one of those people we call next week, though, you sure as fuck better use the name. Yeah, we called you.

Jesus Christ. We took time out of our busy media entertainment schedules. I've got podcasts to create. Emily has video to edit. And Jordan, of course, has people to blow off at his friend's play. You know, we're busy people here. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Lauren from Cincinnati.

I was calling to offer to let you guys name my bicycle. I've had it for a long time and could't have never come up with a name that stuck. So it's a little red bike. It's pretty small. I'm pretty small. And it's a Schwinn World Sport from the late 90s, 80s. A while ago.

So see what you can do. Thanks. Bye. My initial first blush is Stinker. Lil Rusty blush is stinker. Lil Rusty. Lil Rusty. Emily, you got anything? Trollop.

Trollop. That's what first popped into my mind. It's easy? Is that what you're saying? Yeah, it's little, it's red. I don't know. It's like a dollop. A dollop of trollop.

Sure. What about Betty? Betty Bike. Yeah. Lil Trollop. A dollop of trollop. Sure. What about Betty? Betty bike. Lil' Trollop. Lil' Trollop? That's too complicated, though. No, it's not. It's not hard to say. It sounds like a newspaper comic from the Great Depression.

Lil' Trollop? Yeah. It's going around giving blowjobs for fish. What about Lil' T? Lil' T.T.? Lil' T.T.? No, Lil' T. What about Lil T? Lil T.T.? Lil T.T.? No, Lil T. Just Lil T for Trollop. Lil T, short for Lil Trollop.

Okay, done. That's it. Next. Jordan, Jesse, this is Nate. I am calling from Brooklyn. I thought that maybe you might want to name this guitar I picked up recently. If you want to look at a picture of it, you can look it up. The make is Gretsch.

G-R-E-T-S-C-H It's a Gretsch Electromatic G5120. And it's in that orange color. Anyway, it's been a good guitar to me so far, but I think it needs a name.

Let me know what you think. Bye. Wow, from Brooklyn. He's a musician. Do you think this guy's from TV on the radio? I think he's in The Hold Steady. What do you think? It's hard to say. Oh, I think he's in The Black Kids.

There you go. Guitar. It's in that orange color, the guitar one. Okay. Lightning. Sir Shred's a lot. What about Tesla? Ooh, the Tesla coil.

Yeah. Emily, you got anything over there? What about Zappa? Okay, hold on. Zappa, yes, I didn't mean to cut you off. Dissociative fugue. What the fuck is that it's a mental condition your names are way too complicated shut up they're great it's a mental condition

where you get amnesia and you wake up you come out of the amnesia to find that you'd been leading a different life like for some reason you would wake up as a short order cook or something like you passed out woke up did a bunch of, and then lost your amnesia. Dissociative fugue. Well, Tesla it is. Hello, Jesse and Jordan. This is Kyle from Cape Cod, Massachusetts. I actually just bought a lionhead rabbit last weekend, and I've been kind of struggling to come up with a good name for him.

But in case you don't know about them, Jesse, maybe one's been on your calendar. Who knows? But the lionhead rabbit is basically a regular rabbit, but it has a big furry mane like a lion. The one I have is tan-colored, and he's still pretty shy, but seems to be a bit more active at nighttime. So I know it's no baby or hovercraft or anything like that, but maybe you can still work with coming up with a name for him. My number is... Okay, if it's a girl, Lady Puffs. If it's a boy, the Duke of Puffs.

I like Dennis. Dennis is really nice. Dennis is good. What about Dennis the Menace? Yeah, I don't know. I'd have to know what his behavior is like. You know what I was thinking? Hmm.

It's a lion head bunny, right? Yeah. Danger bun. What about dump truck? Dump truck? Yeah. That's mean. I don't know.

Isn't that a nickname that Gene gave you in college? Maybe. I'm always shoveling food in my fat mouth. What about Danger? Danger. I like it. Do you like it? Danger.

What did you say, Chris? How about Dennis Danger? Dennis Danger? Dennis P. Danger. Dennis P. Danger. That's it. That's perfect. Dennis P. Danger.

Hey, Jordan, Jesse, go. This is Brent Merle from Fullerton, California, and I have a hog I'd like you to name. It's a silver Yamaha Vino 50cc scooter. The baby gets 100 miles a gallon, the baby gets 100 miles a gallon and when it maxes out at about 35 miles an hour it's a beautiful sight to behold.

Alright, thanks. Good to talk. What about this? This is a machine. Right. This isn't a living being. Right. What about sympathy for the devil?

That's pretty good. i was gonna suggest shaky i want to see it like in calligraphy sympathy for the devil you got any ideas on this one emily i'm drawing a blank shaky think about it what about the ss shaky sympathy for shakies the pizza place okay how about this, Jordan? Let's compromise here. Okay. If he's capable of calligraphizing it, you know, making it, painting it beautifully on the side,

possibly airbrushing it. Oh, yeah. Sympathy for the devil. Okay. If he's not, Shakey. Let's meet in the middle. This guy from Orange County, come up and take us to Shakey's It's a good value for lunch

Mojo potatoes They got an all you can eat pizza buffet They got a lot of Sad people in there Mexican birthday party Hi Jordan and Jesse This is Kate from Lo's Lane Farm in Northern California. And I really need a name for my boar buck.

Boar buck is a male goat, and a boar is a meat goat. And I have meat and dairy goats. And I'm getting a new buck that doesn't have a name. So he's going to be like the meat stud for my dairy herd and my goat herd. I'll be breeding him with my dairy does and eating his offspring. So he's going to be sticking around. I'm not going to eat him. And so I need a good name for him. And his predecessor died recently. He was having some seizures and some issues, and he died.

And his name was Tuck Everlasting, and he wasn't everlasting. So I need a new name, maybe preferably one that's lucky. Okay. Penis a new name. Maybe preferably one that's lucky. Okay. Penis Factory. Next. My first feeling is Beardo. What about if we do another book? Tuck Everlasting?

What about the theme of her goats is books you read in junior high? Hmm. Interesting. Island of the Blue Dolphin. Franny and Zoe. Hmm. Interesting. Island of the Blue Dolphin. Franny and Zoe. Mm-hmm. Round of the Great Horned Spoon. You Know Me, Al.

Mm-hmm. What about Caldecott for the Caldecott Medal? Oh, yeah. I like that. Caldecott? I was going to say Bridge to Terabithia. What about Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret.

That's a pretty good one. Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret. That's a pretty good one. Are You There, God? It's Me, a goat who's learned to believe in God. Let's go back. Caldecott? Caldecott. No, it's good. It's a good one.

What's the other one? What's the other medal that you get? What's the one for illustrating? Newberry? Newberry. Okay. I think. It might be the other way around.

Oh, it's wife should be Newberry. Yeah, absolutely. Perfect. Hi,. It might be the other way around. Oh, it's wife should be Newberry. Yeah, absolutely. Perfect. Hi, Jordan and Jesse. This is Jenny. I'm calling from Newberry, where my roommate and I are big fans of your show. We listen to it all the time. And after we heard the newest episode, we decided that we would absolutely love for you to name our gerbil.

Actually, it's my roommate's gerbil. And it's not a new gerbil. Actually, it's my roommate's gerbil. And it's not a new gerbil. It's about three years old, maybe four. It's quite old for a gerbil, but it's nameless because it used to be part of a pair of gerbils named Alice and Nora, and one of them died, and we don't know which one survived. So this gerbil needs a new name to sort of carry it into its golden years, and we would love if you guys could help us out with that. There's a backstory to this that I think would make naming it a little bit more interesting, and it has to do with the death of Nora and or

Alice, Nora or Alice, which happened, I guess, about a year and a half ago. So Sarah wakes me up in the middle of the night. She stayed up working, and she's freaking out because she can't find one of the gerbils. She wants to feed it. It's gone. And she thought maybe it got out, but we keep it on top of a bookcase underneath a screen in a huge, heavy book so the cats can't get it, right? And I was like, the gerbil is not gone. It has to be in there, right? I mean, it can't get out.

It's a gerbil. And she was freaking out. It was late. And I was like, just whatever, is not gone. It has to be in there, right? I mean, it can't get out. It's a gerbil. And she was freaking out. It was late. And I was like, just whatever, man. Just go back to bed. And so it turns out, though, after, you know, taking out the live gerbil and dumping out the contents of the cage into a trash bag, I indeed found the remains that was left of the other gerbil.

But the remains, you know, when I say remains, I mean remains, because the gerbil who was left definitely consumed, I'd say, about three-quarters of the dead body of the gerbil who died. So this gerbil is, we think, living on and on longer than gerbils are meant to because it has somehow taken on the life force of its previous cage mate. And in a way, I think that makes it, you know, so the gerbil deserves a nice good name. So if you could help us out with that. I know it's just a gerbil. It's not a car.

It's not a house. It's not a baby. But it's a pretty good gerbil. So we'd love to hear any suggestions you could offer. Penis factory, next. Don't you like how her definition of a pretty good gerbil is one that has consumed the life force of another gerbil? Okay, hold on. Okay, so what culture is famous for consuming people for life force?

The Aztecs, right? Yeah, absolutely. They would cut the heart out of a virgin and feed it to a priest or something. Play basketball with it. No, that's the Mayans. The Mayans would cut the head off their enemies and then play a basketball-like game with it. Aztecs. Yeah, the Aztecs would go to the top of that.

What if the gerbil's new name is Quetzalcoatl? That's good. I like that. It's actually sort of pronounced Quetzalcoatl. So the gerbil has gone through this transition. It was Alice or, you know, Peeper or whatever the hell she said. Now it's killed. It's tasted blood.

It's kind of risen like a phoenix. Quetzalcoatl. I like that. Have you got any feelings on this one, Emily? No, I think that's a perfect name. Because it's so powerful, right? Yeah, you can't come up with anything better than that. It's very powerful.

Well, done. Quetzalcoatl. Okay, now Jordan, we have to be ready for this one. I want you guys both to be ready for this one. In fact, this is the lightning round of all lightning rounds. I'm going to play this for you. Hey there, Jesse and Jordan. This is Dave from KidCod.

I work at the front desk of an emergency animal hospital, so we get a lot of stray cats and dogs that people bring in and drop off. So what I would like is if you could give me a list of names for stray cats and dogs. Ooh.

You know, sometimes injured, sometimes not. And I'll just sort of pick from the list which one matches the best. And I can call you and let you know, you know, what name got applied to which animal. Anyway, thanks. Bye. All right, well, just go around. Okay, I'm starting. Stumpy. Wait, wait, were we going clockwise or counterclockwise? We're around okay I'm starting Stumpy wait wait where are we going

clockwise or counterclockwise we're going clockwise okay Stumpy King Jordan Hungry Joe Bountiful Monopoly Man

Pony Thimble Shakes Lucky Earbone Madam Shrimp Fish Face Donkey Madam Shrimp. Fish Face.

Donkey. Tumbles. Coconut. Michael Moore. Hat Box. Penny. Compact Fluorescent. Leave Schreiber.

Meter Maid. Speedboat. Bungles. Bojangles. Bo Jackson. Bo Jackson, too. That should be enough right? That's good Okay we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go

Love you love you love you Love you love you love you Love you love you love you Love you love you love you Love you love you love you Love you love you love you Love you love, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, but I had a lot of fun. Come on. It was great to have our old pal Emily on the program. Sure. She's the only successful person ever to have attended the University of California at Santa Cruz. Yeah, congratulations.

Quite the distinction. It was great to name stuff. It was great to hear about some great presidential candidates. It was great to work out some of our concerns about other people's perceptions of us when we're mean to them. It was great to hear Coco barking at who knows what there for a little while until Emily reached over and closed the door.

Ghosts. So we couldn't hear. Wait a minute. My dog can see ghosts? Probably. Dogs are very perceptive. Ghosts and earthquakes. They can see both.

They can see earthquakes? Mm-hmm. Earthquakes have a visual manifestation to a dog. Fuck shit. It looks like another dog visual manifestation to a dog. Fuck shit. It looks like another dog. Teresa invented a new exclamation recently. Shit dogs. Ah, that's good.

It's pretty good, right? I like it. Yeah. Well, shit dogs. That's good. You see what I'm saying? Okay, if you have something you'd like us to name, 206-984-4FUN is the number to call. 206-984-4FUN is the number to call. 206-984-4FUN

And of course you can always you can call in with your own topic if you want to. We might play it or we might not but I encourage that, Jordan. Sure, yeah, if you have an action item. If you have something that you think we should be doing on the program especially if you're humble. I don't want somebody to call

and think they're going to be the star of our program. You know what I'm saying, Jordan? I will punch them. I am not afraid to hit somebody. Maybe Jay Leno lets Robin Williams run around on the show like he owns the show. That's not us, though.

If you are Robin Williams, and you want to buy the show, if Robin Williams wants to buy the show, though, we will sell it to him, and then he will own it. Sure. Depends on how much he'll give us for it. Oh, yeah. You know, I'll take anything at this point. If it's in the thousands, I'd probably take it.

Yeah. Maybe even in the hundreds. If he's got any ducats, I would probably just take any number of ducats, just because I've always wanted to have a ducat. Literally a ducat. You see what I'm saying? Mm-'m saying 206-984-4FUN of course the number to call um by the way max funcon is totally sold out now uh however fuck yourselves if no no no no no uh we oh sorry i'm working on this i'm working. It's possible some slots will open up. I'm trying to get the place only has a limited number of spaces, but there is going to be another group there.

So if there are any cancellations, either from our group or from that group. What's the other group? Do you know what it is? It's probably some kind of microbiology conference. No. I think that's usually the kind of thing they have there. It's like a microbiology conference. But anyway.

Two groups will hook up and party? What I'm trying to say, Jordan, they'll probably hook up in the hot tub, yes. Don't worry. Nobody's going to get pregnant. It's impossible. They'll be talking on their phones. If you want to get on the wait list for Maximum Fun Con, email waitlist at maxfuncon.com. Put your email address and your real name and uh your phone number in there and uh

we'll get you on the wait list and and it's possible you can still get in uh but you know i'm not sure that you can still get in but it's entirely possible that we'll be able to fit some more people in i'm definitely working on it obviously it's in my interest to get as many people in there as possible sure um our theme music is Love You by The Free Design from their CD Kites Are Fun, the best of the free design, contributed to us by the one and only Light in the Attic Records. By the way, if you'd like to advertise on Jordan Jesse Go, you can always email me about the possibility. My email address jesse, J-E-S-S-E at maximumfun.org. And if you want to email us

about anything about the show, you can email jjgoe at maximumfun.org. That's about everything, right? Yep. Be sure to visit slatev.com

where you can check out all of Emily's cool videos and a few of Andy Powers. Oh, man. Stop it. We'll be back next week on Jordan, Jesse, Go.