Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 743: Consider Deez Nuts with Josh Gondelman

Episode Date: June 23, 2022

Josh Gondelman (People Pleaser comedy special, Desus and Mero) joins Jordan and Jesse to talk about Josh's cocaine consumption, the perks of being a local celebrity, the subreddit for people named Jesse, and the edging quality of the Rick Springfield documentary.Watch Josh's new comedy special PEOPLE PLEASER please!!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Go, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, simping for the Ganja Goddess. I'm sorry, for whom are you simping? Sorry, I took a drink there, the Ganja Goddess. So that's... Praise be her name. But her name is. The Ganja Goddess. Mm-hmm. So that's... Praise be her name.

But her name is just the Ganja Goddess, right? Mm-hmm. Or does she have a further or... She goes by many names, Jesse. Uh-huh. Okay. To me, she's simply the Ganja Goddess. No, I'm putting on a brave face, but I'm starting the show a little bit heartbroken today.

I'll be perfectly honest. Wow. I mean, usually this is a show where we come on, we just have fun and laugh and joke about nonsense. We don't really get into serious stuff like the ganja goddess, but what's going on? So let me back up. Okay. Thank you.

There was this billboard. Wait, Jordan, I'm wondering how you got here. jordan i'm wondering how you got here i bet you're wondering how i got here yeah this is me so yes so there was this billboard that i was driving by on the reg for a business called uh the ganja goddess okay and this is a website that offers uh plumbing services you know you'd so, but it's actually cannabis on demand, cannabis products on demand. I'm glad somebody in Los Angeles is finally offering cannabis products on demand. Yeah, it's a real desert out there for cannabis products on demand. I have such a hard time.

I don't have the internet or the yellow pages. I only find out about businesses through billboards. And I have such a hard time finding accident attorneys and marijuana delivery and syphilis, syphilis volcanoes. And asking you to consider the boys for awards. Yeah. Have you considered the boys? I haven't considered. I had not considered it to this point. Well, certainly you've considered Trill. I haven't considered Trill.

Well, geez, do we need to stop the podcast so you can consider the boys in Trill for awards? It seems crazy that they charge for the bus in Los Angeles when they have this stream of income from Amazon Prime Video buying for your consideration bus side advertisements. Yeah. They should have the boys drive the bus. Then the boys could ask you to consider them while you're... Anyway, I was driving by this billboard for the Ganja... I don't think it's Ganja Goddess. It's something like...

I won't get into the exact website, but it's a billboard. It has the name of the business, Ganja Goddess. It has the URL there. It has some information about the business, Ganja Goddess. It has the URL there. It has some information about the business. GanjaGoddess.pizza. And then it has a photo of a woman who I presumed to be the Ganja Goddess. Okay. You know, and she was, I'll say it, really attractive. I found her very attractive. Is she the hot doctor who gave away medical marijuana cards via billboard?

No, this is a different medical marijuana woman. I have not seen that. Yeah, that was a real LA thing. Right at weed legalization, when you still needed to go into the former frozen yogurt place in a strip mall where a person in a lab coat would give you a bullshit card. And you could also get a therapy vest to take your dog on a plane. Exactly. But no, we've come a long way. So no, that woman was all over the place for a while, but the ganja goddess is a different woman. And, you know, I was driving by this billboard so often that I kind of began to fantasize about, you know, what it would be like if we ran into each other. I don't know if we, I mean, we, I'm an entertainment professional. She's a successful business owner. And, you know, maybe we run in the same circles, you know.

You could meet at a mixer. Yeah. Or maybe she goes to the Buffalo Wild Wings in Pasadena. I don't know. A lot of high rollers go there. Church social. And so, yeah. And this, I'll give you a little bit of more context, too. I started driving by this billboard at really the height of, like, pandemic lockdown.

You can't do anything. So, you know, i had started a whole fantasy relationship about the ganja goddess and i what would happen when we met i mean she likes to chill i like to chill you have netflix yeah we both we both have netflix accounts well i have my sister's netflix account yeah i don't know maybe she does too i canceled my netflix account but let's be frank if they're gonna make another season of i think you should leave i'll probably sign up again Yeah. I don't know. Maybe she does too. I canceled my Netflix account, but let's be frank. If they're going to make another season of I Think You Should Leave, I'll probably sign up again. Sure.

That's kind of where I might too. So, you know, and this, and it deepened, you know, and I was, I got to this point where I was sure that the ganja goddess and I were made for each other. And was it, when you fantasized about this relationship, was the nature of the relationship platonic or romantic? I mean, it was just everything, you know? How does it compare to your relationship to Plato, is what I'm asking. Right. It was a Socratic relationship.

She would lecture and I would listen. And, you know, it got to be kind of intense. But the billboard came down. And I had not thought about the ganja goddess in a while, the one that got away. And then I drove by a ganja goddess billboard today in a different part of town. And there was a completely different woman on the billboard. The first ganja goddess was just a stock photo model. I guess she's not the business owner. She... Jordan, you're assuming here that it was a stock photo.

Yeah. I don't think that's an appropriate or safe assumption here. My first thought is that the ganja goddess is like the Dalai Lama, where there's a group of monks who travel the world. Right. When one ganja goddess dies, they find the reincarnation of the ganja goddess wherever he, she, they, or whatever may appear. Wow. So the first one died?

Oh, my gosh. Jordan. That's a whole new thing. What do you think happened trampled at coachella you're a ganja goddess you're already fundamentally marked for death that's one of the main things about being a ganja goddess because there's so many built-in enemies i mean think about all of the people in this world sure who aren't chill right yes people with agendas people who have a we're all fucking twisted up and they're like like uh like when you put when you put something in the in the

dryer that has like waist tie strings that are too long but you don't tie them up and then everything gets all twisted up what about people who are like that yeah sure and not to mention you know mythical beasts like the cocaine hydra has to be sure has to be has to be slewn by the ganja goddess yeah it's a methamphetaminehmm. I don't know. A lot of charisma on that guy. The regular Sammy Davis Jr. Yeah, sure. He's a trouble threat, singing, dancing, and methamphetamines. Sure. Why do you think he sings and dances with so much energy?

Speaking of not being chill and hard drugs, our guest on the program is a stand-up comedian, a beloved favorite here. He works on the Desus and Mero program, and he has his own stand-up comedy special available June 21st across all online and VOD platforms. The special is called People Pleaser. The People Pleaser himself is joshua gondelman hi josh hey jesse hey jordan how are you oh good glad thanks for could join us thanks for staying up late on the east coast josh not that it's a problem for you god damn it we should say that there is a there's a strange comedy world meme where people on typically Twitter will accuse Josh of being hooked on cocaine.

Yeah. And not just posts to you or about you, just separate posts. I've seen it just catching strays. Like, I'm just catching strays where people will tweet to each other like, oh, I'm not Josh Gondelman. I'm not on cocaine and the problem is i'm not nearly famous enough to have like an urban legend about just me the guy so soon i imagine this will spill out of just like our friends and people will start taking it seriously deezus says it on TV like twice a season now.

He'll just be like, yeah, I mean, it was a wild night. Josh was there. He was on so much cocaine. And I'll just be like, you can't say that on TV. And the lawyers are like, actually, it's fine. I'm like, why is it fine? They also saw it set in on an episode of Shrill that I was considering for awards. Did that affect your consideration positively or negatively?

Josh, I think they're getting the Emmy. I don't know if they've been nominated or if the show is still on. Those billboards always remind me of my favorite David Foster Wallace essay, For Your Consideration, The Lobster. Thanks, Josh. Consideration, the lobster. Thanks, Josh. That's a joke that Josh wrote 14 years ago and has been saving for a semi-appropriate moment for all years since.

One day, he says. And I was like, tonight, I have a shoehorn big enough to fit into this podcast. Honestly, if there's one podcast where you can make a joke about david foster wallace's non-fiction you think i'm not shooting from the hip with a david foster wallace yorgos lathamos joke you know there's i'm gonna waste that on a different podcast whose audience wouldn't appreciate it there's a lot of people out there making i never finished infinite jest jokes but how many people are doing that cruise ship essay or the one about the talk show host? A supposedly fun thing

I'll never do again is the cruise ship one. You know what? I think a lot of those other podcasts are just brain dead megaphones. Yes, that's right. That's George Saunders. We're going Saunders, baby. We're going George Saunders now. Well, I think we could all agree, us talk pretty

one day. We're just referencing books that were on everybody's shelf in college. Don't be so cavalier and clay, George. Do you guys want to do three more of these or move on?

I thought this was going to be most of the podcast. That was my intent. Yeah. I figured we'd just wrap up the show now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We should just take a break, have a naked lunch, and then get back to it.

There you go. So, Josh, I actually saw you the other day on TV, which was very exciting for me. It was one of those those you know when the drug enforcement agency does a big bust and they have those like bricks of there was one of those tables with 12 14 of those bricks and then a standee of you a cardboard standee that was just it was an illegal use of my image. That intellectual property was being carried across national borders. That's true. You posed for that one stock photo session. You were the ganja goddess for a brief period, right? They told me that I was going to be the ganja goddess. And then I was legally dead for nine seconds a couple years ago, and they took it away.

Yeah, they were like, you don't get to keep it if you're dead. They find the new one. That's how it works. If you're dead they find the new one that's how it works for any reason josh do you know where the like cocaine meme started can you trace it back i do yeah it was matt koff who's like do you know matt koff he's so funny such a funny stand-up daily show writer for years really funny great dude tweeted he it's his bit essentially and he would tweet like every so often like i think today's the day i try cocaine like for like years and then one day he tweeted at me like josh will you do cocaine with me today and i said no i'm not gonna do that but thank you for offering and paul f tompkins was like josh i saw you promised to do cocaine this this is all on Twitter, to do cocaine with Matt Coff, and then you reneged.

And now you're an untrustworthy man. And then he started a change.org petition to get me to do cocaine with Matt Coff, which immediately raised 1,000 signatures and then slightly less immediately was taken off of change.org because you're not allowed to do that. You're supposed to be there to rename Fire Ants Spicy Boys. That's what it's for. Yeah, like if you want to like ask Joe Biden to do a thing he's not going to do or rename a boat, that's your website. Make the Disney Star Wars sequels non-canon.

Hey, I think Deadpool needs to host the Tonys next year. He's a triple threat. He is. Singing, dancing, Deadpool. And some might say in the theater that his breaking of the fourth wall is positively Brechtian.

That's how droll Deadpool is. What kind of chalk circle is this, Jordan? Josh, are you a guy that, I don't know if you've ever done cocaine. Do you do a drug? Will you chill at a music festival? What's your relationship to substance um i've never done cocaine i once tried to do molly oh and it it didn't work because someone seeing my face in general demeanor sold me and my girlfriend at

the time something that was not drugs just any kind of powder they were like this guy will just buy any powder put it in him he's the dumbass and um occasionally the last time i i'm not like a big weed guy but my wife and i got slightly too high and watched the musical cats and i kept she was just going no no no the whole time and i i kept saying to her like really seriously i would i kept going i understand what words they're saying like i hear the words but can i turn up the meaning can i turn up the volume on what the words mean sure so mostly it's just it's just bourbon for this guy my my my screening of cats just at a certain point people were people just started saying just just full volume saying what are you talking about who's that it was like an audience full of my grandma yeah really really lovely it is like a movie that it it feels like

there should be more context like cats where you watch it and you're like was there like a bunch of books i was supposed to read to understand who these people are it like it feels like it should come with you know at the beginning of some kind of some fantasy books there's like a family tree yeah it's that yeah it's a map yeah map hand-drawn map map of the jellicle realm or wherever they live yeah you well you didn't see the rest of the you did you watch any of the disney plus jellicle television universe series the jcu yeah i think that think the problem was going to see Cat's Endgame first. That's what it is. The lot. Cat's Endgame.

And then I watched Deuteronomy Vision, which I didn't fully get, but I thought the kind of pastiche was really good. Yeah. Yeah. An interesting premise, but maybe they're getting too much credit for that. So I kind of jumped in late with both feet, and so that's on me. I went to the movies for the first time in a long time, and I saw – what was it called? The Nicolas Cage one. The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent.

Oh, yeah. Sure. Which is very – it was like adaptation. I was like, oh, it's been 20 years since we've done one of these. That's fine. And it was a lot of fun. And there was a preview. Before the previews, there was just like some famous YouTube child who was like, here's what you need to know before you see Doctor Strange to multiverse of madness. And he like named the 13 other movies and TV series that you needed to watch to understand this movie.

Oh, boy. And I was like, that's too much. So if you're here to see that movie, leave now. So if you're here to see that movie, leave now. I feel like every Marvel movie to me feels like that one class in college where you sit down and the professor's like, now you can take this without having taken Mythology 101, but I wouldn't recommend it. And then I would just leave. Look to your left. Look to your right.

One of these people will be banished to the multiverse of madness. I did audit one of Dr. Strange's graduate level courses. I love how he has that little hang where he'll invite five or six of his favorite students back to his apartment for a little salon. Pour some wine, try and fuck you. I'd like to see maybe to appreciate multiverse of madness it's not so much that you need to see a bunch of uh marvel movies but just you got to be really familiar with the cumberbatch oof right right right you have to seen all of sherlock you have to have gone to the like the royal national theater production of frankenstein where he alternated roles with Johnny Lee Miller. Yeah, they will not explain who Smaug is. Smaug just shows up and you're

expected to know that's Smaug. That one where he invents the Turing test. Yeah. It is amazing how much comic book movies are now just exactly like comics in that you cannot just pick up a random one where you like the cover and it's not even sequels that's the what gets me if it was just sequels it was like i know i won't understand three if i haven't seen two but now they're like okay we're introducing a new character but everyone else is here come on i thought maybe it could jump in yeah i watched uh i watched the one uh shang chi the martial arts one which a lot a lot of real fun stuff in it some some really cool fights and then just at one point ben kingsley showed up for no reason and i was like what the fuck is this like what is ben kingsley doing in

this fantasy china world uh doing a funny, like, working class English guy accent going. And then he just leaves. And that's, there's no explanation. That was Gandhi. You haven't seen Gandhi in the multiverse of nonviolent resistance. I know. I feel like such a hack complaining about a superhero movie but like truly i there was like a i assume a famous child being like here's here's all the prerequisites and i was just like

i got so boston i was just like you think you're better than me kid because you've seen all these movies i was just so mad you think you're better than me because you had time to watch Falcon and the Winter Soldier? I got your Winter Soldier right here. Hey, kid, do your parents even let you watch Severance? How do you like them Apple TV shows? Real long walk. This is... Yeah, no, that's fine.

You know, where are we even going that we can't go for a long walk? Nowhere of consequence. You know, Mark Twain even going that we can't go for a long walk? Right. Nowhere of consequence. You know, Mark Twain once said, a podcast is a long walk spoiled. Yeah. Right. That's what we focus on, ruining people's time who's walking the dog or whatever. Josh, I also went to see The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent. Yeah.

I really liked it. I really laughed it up in the movie theater. And there was, like, someone a couple rows behind me just really laughing it up. Just like full throated Cape Fear style laughing it up in the movie. Just loving the whole thing. And I got out. It was Colin Farrell. And then he cut in line in front of me for the parking validation. That's incredible. Yeah. Or tried to. I didn't let him and he said have you considered the lobster there you go there you go this year always always be considering the lobster abctl take that davidet. We've improved your thing. I don't even know if that was him. Or did he write the...

He must have written the screenplay, too. Anyway. For Glen Gary Glen Ross. For Glen Gary Glen Ross. David Mamet's thing is right-wing Zionism. That's his main deal. Yeah, he's... I just...

People, once you've achieved a certain amount of success, you got to just stop talking to people. Just lock it down. Just shut it down. Write plays if you want still, but don't just go sharing your opinions. No one's worried about what's in those. Yeah. They're still letting the in the company of men guy write plays. right place was just i i was thinking about this this morning because every week i feel like some famous columnist writes like the worst op-ed you've ever seen and it's like i just feel like

that's so lazy because as a comedian if i want to have a stupid opinion it has to be funny but like when you when you're prestigious enough you can have the worst opinions And people will just listen And I feel like there needs to be some other Like you need to learn to dance to do While you give a stupid opinion There needs to be a talent test of some kind Yeah I'm going to do contact juggling

While I explain what movies do and don't pass the Bechdel test Exactly like Alright David Brooks I'll listen to I listened to something you learned from your cab driver that you clearly made up. If you can do a back handspring before you start. I can't even think about, like, you know, David Brooks, columnist for the New York Times, he wrote this book, and it was a long time ago, maybe 20 years ago. And part of the premise was

that young people of the time which i guess would have been gen x mostly instead of becoming yuppies young urban professionals like the baby boomers had they were becoming child adults they were like not they were not growing up completely and he called that grups and i like every time i see his byline in the new york times or whatever i think this is the grups guy this guy wrote a book about grups made up the word grups and they gave him more opportunities to write things grups grups sounds like a regional sausage dish you only get in the Northeast. Here's your grups and eggs.

You've never had Vermont grups, eh? We inject the syrup right into them before you cook them. That's the secret. There's syrup in the grups. Here in Maine, we deep fry your grups. Battered and fried like a cod fillet are you excited about the she hulk show i just wanted to talk about disney plus shows and regional accents kind of enjoyed the last one so

the um crops it sounds like oh you mean the enemies of the fraggles like what are we talking about here i i do like anyone taking a big swing at like getting new slang starting and just falling on your face so would you call david brooks the e40 of the new york times opinion pages kennedy david brooks here quarterbacking and flea flaking. David Brooks is definitely the E-40 of people who could not identify E-40 from a lineup. It's, oh man, so funny. Because E-40 doesn't, it's like, man, however he talks, that's the right way to be talking. And then David Brooks comes up with grops. Yeah.

And you're just like, and the dictionary just like knocks his book, whoever runs Webster's dictionary just knocks his book on the ground like Dikembe Mutombo finger wags at it. You're not putting that word in here. Someone else has to use it. It's like giving yourself a nickname. I was listening to the San Francisco Giants game, and they have coming up an E40 bobblehead night. Awesome. And E40 has also been making a lot of appearances in the NBA playoffs, because the Warriors have made it to the NBA finals. have made it to the NBA finals. And he's at those games and he's, as he always is, pretty wasted and just giving hugs to Klay Thompson or whatever.

And I just thought, I don't aspire to be a movie star type celebrity. Like, I don't need to be Cameron Diaz or something like that. You know, that's probably America's- I think you've still got a shot at it, Jesse. No, that job's taken. I don't, yeah. Cameron Diaz is doing it.

See, but if Cameron Diaz is legally dead for nine seconds, her soul can jump to a new body. I don't need to be... As was described in the film, The Mask.

Right. I don't need to have movie star type fame. I don't need to have movie star type fame. I don't even aspire to it. It sounds like if I were Colin Farrell, I'd be worried that if I tried to cut somebody in line for the valet, they would talk about it on their podcast. But to be a guy that they call to throw out the first pitch

when your team makes the second round of the playoffs. Like the Game 3 guy. Just a local. Doesn't have to be the local icon, but a local icon. You're not trying to be Huey Lewis. I don't need to be Huey Lewis. I'll be. I'm perfectly glad to be Danny Glover.

I'm perfectly happy to be Tracy Chapman. You know what I mean? I'm glad to be E40. I don't need to be Hue Glover. I'm perfectly happy to be Tracy Chapman. You know what I mean? I'm glad to be E-40. I don't need to be Huey Lewis. And that goal, like, I don't know what steps you need to take. I know it involves throwing out first pitches, but that's, and maybe appearing on the local news. I always thought that the, like, kind of celebrity that, like like morning djs had was a good level of celebrity like you know obviously you need to like get up at 4 a.m or you know whatever but like getting to like broadcast live from a bar on saint patrick's day or like be there for the like opening of a new bennegan's yep yeah that was like that was also

like a golden age of broadcasting i don't know if this is still true but maybe 10 years ago i have i had a friend still my friend who was the second banana on a large but not New York, Los Angeles, or Chicago market AM News Talk station show. It was his job to go in with the guy who was the star of the show, be his foil, say, oh, yeah, there is a lot of stuff in the news today. You know what I mean? And it was like a two, three hour show. Pull up their pants. I'm just kind of guessing what.

Exactly. These grumps. These their pants. I'm just kind of guessing at what. Exactly. These grumps. These grumps. Sagging the, I can see these grumps boxer shorts. It was one of these kind of centrist news talk stations. It wasn't like a hot talk station. It was like a, you know, this is where you go to learn about the news or whatever. We've got the news covered kind of thing.

And I said to him one time, I said, it seems like an odd fit for you to be doing this job like what is the appeal of being the second banana and he said i read the newspaper every day i get in half an hour before i go on the air and then i go home half an hour after i get off the air and i get paid two hundred fifteen thousand dollars a year hell yeah and i was like, whoa! Did you really say this job doesn't seem like a good fit for you? No, I didn't. I was like, what is the, like, what is so, because this was a guy, this guy had a lot of other things going as well. This was clearly not his life stream to do this.

Kevin Hart. Yeah. He had done a lot of great things where he was the main thing. But he had clearly chosen to not be the main thing on this. And yeah, I was like, yes, of course. That could not possibly make more sense. I think radio DJ in the golden age of commercial radio in 1997 or whatever, as good as it gets, as good as it gets celebrity wise. First pitch seems good. That's like a good level of celebrity. I think that would be very exciting. People are happy to see you. They think maybe it's good luck

that you're there. I'm trying to get so that I get to throw out the second pitch in a baseball game. Yeah. Oh, so you're trying to work at, so you're trying to work at a state farm office that bought a billboard ad or whatever? I just want the starter throws one pitch, and then I go, may I have this dance? And then I throw the second pitch. And then I just sit and enjoy the rest of the game. Okay, so what you're saying in this is Max Scherzer or whatever is out there.

He throws a heater on the outside corner. Yep. Strike one. Then somebody on a headset says, hold for Gondelman. I come out from the bullpen in the cart. Oh, yeah. I don't need any special treatment in that regard.

Okay, they don't have the cart anymore. Just like any other relief. Go ahead. Yeah, they reinstitute bullpen carts for your benefit. Got it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not trying to run that far.

From 1979 or whatever. I come in from the bullpen. They play my intro music. And I throw one pitch. Now, there's two possibilities when I throw the second pitch. One, not even close to the plate. Right. That's the more likely. It, not even close to the plate. Right. That's the more likely.

It's been a long time since I've pitched from a regulation mound, not confident that I remember how to do it by feel, and I'm not warm enough. I mean, you were a great relief pitcher for the Boston Red Sox for a long time, but you've been a bar owner for years now. That's true. Working at an Alexis dealership. I stopped drinking.

I bought the bar. Yeah. Oh, cheers. You were an Alexis dealership. I stopped drinking. I bought the bar. Yeah. Oh, cheers. You were doing a cheers thing. I engaged to one of my employees. Yeah, yeah. They're just talking about jobs that baseball guys have after they – that was my – my Alexis thing didn't fit.

Jordan, remember when you used to have that kind of like corporate climber career, but then you ended up working with your on-again, off-again boyfriend in that bar? What are we? Oh, Kirstie. Oh, you're right. Yes, I was Kirstie. Yeah, you're Kirstie Alley. You're Kirstie Alley.

Jesse, remember when you were a conspiracy mailman? You know, in a way. Remember when you kept coming in and doing close-up magic once a year? And in a way, I would say my Red Sox pitching career is responsible for Frazier's radio show. Right. Frazier, first pitch level celebrity. That guy could preside over the opening of a bet against, huh? He wouldn't.

He's a snob. He certainly could. More than certainly could. Niles, they seem to have fried this cheese. A perfect example of what they might say. I would watch like a whole episode of Frasier where they just talked. They just like tried to decipher appetizers. They call them jalapeno poppers, Niles.

But where do they? Oh, now I get it. Oh, yes. Indeed, they do. Indeed, there's the paupers. Oh, yes. Indeed they do. Indeed they do, my good man. There's more than one time in my life I've Googled because I forgot after the first time. Is Kelsey Grammar British or is he just like that? I want to throw out the last pitch.

The last pitch. All of baseball. Just throw it out, and then America has to find a new national pastime. The final pitch. Before, would there be a Holocaust, a nuclear winter of some kind? Or is it just kind of like, and that's a wrap on baseball, folks. Everybody gives it a applause. Yeah, exactly.

We just go do high a lie or whatever. Sure, yeah. I saw a great... To me, the thing that is... I used to go on Twitter to see a little joke my friends wrote. And I'll see it. Look, I'm not above laughing at a little joke Jordan or Josh Gondelman put on Twitter. That's still a fun part of Twitter.

But the main thing I want from Twitter right now is to see a little thing that happened in a baseball game. And ideally, I'm glad to see a great play. But I want to see – what I want to see is something funny, something weird that happened, like somebody catching it in the jewels or whatever. something funny, something weird that happened, like somebody catching it in the jewels or whatever. And today I was on Twitter and Bryce Harper is one of the great baseball stars, slugger for the Philadelphia Phillies. And I just saw a little video of him in the dugout, the Phillies dugout, in uniform, you know, during a game or whatever. And there's just like a lineup of Phillies guys, sort of oliver please sir can i have some more style and uh bryce harper in his hand just has a clamshell full of blueberries

and he's passing them out just passing out blueberries in the dugout the guys are going past each getting a blueberry from i never understood why his nickname was mama bird right now I do. He had to stop. When COVID came around, he had to stop regurgitating it into mouths. And it showed on the field. You know, baseball players are very superstitious. And if he couldn't regurgitate a blueberry into each teammate's mouth before the game, it really gets into his head and gets him out of rhythm.

Right. We talked the other day about when Jock Peterson of the San Francisco Giants got slapped by Tommy Pham. And I learned, I think, since we talked about that, what seems now like the most important part of that entire story. It was over a fantasy football dispute. Some people who are in the know may think that I'm about to say that Mike Trout, the greatest baseball player of his generation, was the commissioner of their league and had declined to step in to settle their beef. That's not what it is. It's that before every game, Jock Peterson, who gives the impression of being a sweet

doofus, it's hard to say for sure. His walk-on music is Dancing Queen by ABBA. And he's got like a blonde mohawk and yeah. But before every game jock peterson walks around in the outfield barefoot to like reconnect himself to the ground and then that's when tommy fam slapped him oh what a time to slap a man that's like how could you punch a guy in glasses yeah how could you slap somebody who's barefoot? It's like knocking over someone while they meditate. Yeah.

It is. It's like basically Tommy Pham did the assault version of, you're running through the forest, you're running through the forest. I hadn't heard that part. Yeah. Wow. He was walking through the outfield barefoot to reconnect with the earth. He does that before each game now when it's astro term uh-huh oh it's hot oh do you think it's the same feel for it or is he like this is like this is like walking barefoot with condoms on my feet he'll only he'll only meditate raw dog is that what you're saying

i saw i did see it i saw a little video before a game of some of the players on the giants like the giants have like uh usually in sports they call it like a mental skills coach or something but you know they have like a performance psychologist on the team and stuff. And I saw a little video before a game against the Rockies in Colorado where the Giants were all doing mindful breathing exercises on top of the fake rocks in center field. Like there's like a fake waterfall of rocks and they were just out there sitting there doing mindful breathing together. I was like, like man that rules i mean i don't know about you guys but i feel the most centered when i'm riding the matterhorn yeah exactly you guys want to uh get connected to the land and take a little break yeah i'm gonna connect to the land sort of the way um cartoon character connects to an electric fence.

I had too much water. Oh. You're going to pee? Yeah, you're going to go pee. Cool. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jessico. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you It's Jordan Jesse Goh.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. A Jordan Morris boy detective. Thank you to the members of Maximum Fun. Each and every one of you, at least the Jordan Jesse Goh listeners among you, have contributed directly to this program. We're very, very grateful to you. Thank you very much. You rule.

I hope you feel good about yourself every time you hear this. Thank you, because you deserve it. We're also supported this week by the folks over there at Stitch Fix. Now, what is Stitch Fix? Stitch Fix is a combination of a clothing store and a clothing service. Yes, that's right. They choose little outfits for you. Yeah. Hey, the weather is changing. It's warming up. If you need some new threads for chilling and grilling, go on over to Stitch Fix. I myself enjoy going over to stitchfix.com.

It's a service that I really like. Here's what you do. You take a fun quiz. And the quiz is actually pretty fun. Which Backstreet Boy are you? No, that's over to BuzzFeed after you've taken the Which Backstreet Boy quiz are you over at BuzzFeed.

Head over to stitchfix.com slash JJGo and you answer a few questions about what you like to wear, what you don't, and how open you are to trying newix.com slash jjgo and you answer a few questions about what you like to wear, what you don't, and how open you are to trying new styles. Then a Stitch Fix expert stylist will go to work and they'll find items just for you. Every piece is handpicked for you and it fits. I think that's a great part about Stitch Fix is that uh the uh the quiz is really accurate um for taking your measurements so you know that the stuff they send you uh you can wear you know it'll it'll fit you and it'll feel good uh i love it let me say this the guy that works at the store he doesn't know shit no a guy that works at a store doesn't know shit about how stuff fits if you go into the

store and say like how does this fit they're not going to be able to help you because they do not know they're just on summer break or whatever like they're just trying to get minimum wage the people at stitch fix between their actual human being expertise and their computer databases of how exactly everything fits and exactly how things will fit on you and how you prefer things to fit, they will find clothes that fit you, which is in and of itself, leaving aside any style consideration, I think, a service that's worth pursuing. They will either send you a package of stuff and you can choose what you want to keep and what you don't want to keep, or they'll make a little store for you. Sign up today at stitchfix.com slash jjgo. You get $20 off your first purchase. That's stitchfix.com slash jjgo. You get $20 off your first purchase. That's

stitchfix.com slash jjgo to get $20 off your first purchase. Limited time offer purchase within two days of sign up. We're also this week supported by the folks over there at Magic Spoon. What is Magic Spoon? It's a breakfast cereal made of something other than grain no one knows what but it's a great success put this mystery food into your mouth this is one of the great triumphs of science is magic spoon it truly is it's like when they invented internal combustion engines you know this previously they were trying to build these jay leno steam cars and it just wasn't it just wasn't happening because the boiler kept exploding you know engines. You know, previously they were trying to build these Jay Leno steam cars, and it just wasn't happening because the boiler kept exploding, you know?

Yeah. Magic spoon cereal, tastier than a large hadron collider. Yeah. Suck on that large hadron collider. You stink. It's got zero grams of sugar. You know what else? Fuck you, big telescope in Hawaii. It's got zero grams of sugar, 140 calories, 13 to 14 grams of protein, and only four net grams of carbs. They gave us some weird copy this week, by the way, Jordan. This thing about the telescope in Hawaii, I did not expect to find that in the copy here. Yeah, it's weird that they're making us do this bit. Did not expect to find that in the copy here. Yeah, it's weird that they're making us do this bit.

But I guess they have to take down their bitter rival, that giant telescope in Hawaii that's there because it gets more dark there at night. It's keto-friendly, gluten-free, grain-free, soy-free, and low-carb. I'm talking about Magic Spoon, not the Hawaii telescope. Magic Spoon really is tasty, by the way. It is really good. It's awesome. I like having it for breakfast. I like having it for a midnight snack. And it's great to know that you're getting some good protein in there and zero grams of sugar, one gram of sugar in the honey nut flavor, which I really like. Jesse, have you tried this honey nut? That's a nice honey nut.

You don't have to mess with some, I'm just going to say it, a bullshit bee. Thank you. A lot of honey nut cereals are sold by bullshit bees. Don't trust them. Trust Magic Spoon. Exactly. A lot of other great flavors, too. You got cocoa, fruited, frosty, peanut butter, cookies and cream, maple waffle, blueberry muffin, also very tasty.

They've also added breakfast bars recently, Jordan. Oh my gosh. Wow. I got to try some of these. I haven't tried the breakfast bars yet. I'm excited. And I'm not talking about the kind of breakfast bar you might find at a Holiday Inn Express. I'm talking about convenient on-the-go breakfast treats that you can chew on, munch down, and

you'll enjoy them. You're going to get some nice protein. Go to magicspoon.com. Now, there's no omelet station. That's the downside. Go to magicspoon.com slash JJGO to grab a custom bundle of cereal and be sure to use our promo code JJGO at checkout to save $5 off your order. And Magic Spoon is so confident in their product.

How confident are they? It's backed with a 100% happiness guarantee. So if you don't like it for any reason, they'll refund your money. No questions asked. Remember, get your next delicious bowl of cereal at magicspoon.com slash JJGO. Use the code JJGO to save $5 off. Thank you, Magic Spoon, for sponsoring this episode. Magic Spoon, known the world over as the only breakfast cereal my kid Frankie calls Magic Poon.

Again, this copy is so weird this week. Why are they? It's all over the place, too. The thing about the bee, the thing about the telescope. We'll be back in just a minute on Jordan, Jesse go. It's Jordan, Jesse go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective, Josh Gondelman, the gentleman lobsterman. What does that involve?

Maybe being fair to the lobsters in some way? I give them a fair shake. Yeah, I hear about it. So it's sporting. I'm just considering them. Oh, you hear about it opinion-wise. Considering them. I always consider the lobsters. Giving them their consideration.

Giving the whole thing a little thought. I appreciate that. Yeah. Josh, you're a New Englander. I am. Do you have strong feelings about seafood? I love seafood, man. Really?

Oh, yeah. So would you say if you see it, you eat it? I'm on kind of a seafood diet. When I see shellfish, I eat them. I eat the shells. I eat the shells. I can't wait to get into the insides. We have an engineer on Judge John Hodgman named Joel who will engineer Hodgman when he's in Maine at a community radio station in Maine.

Joel's a very nice man. And apparently, Joel buys his scallops by the bucket. Yeah. He'll go buy a bucket of scallops. And also, he calls them scallops. Yeah. That's, that's a very New England way to say it for sure.

I once in, I had my, the first college gig I ever did. I, on the way back to the airport is in Shreveport, Louisiana. And on the way back to the regional airport to get my connecting flight to Memphis,

I was like, what's like, what's like a good little regional thing. And they're like, Oh, there's like a truck you can get crawfish from. i was like hell yeah fish truck sign me up and the guy just gave me like a plastic bag full of boiled crawfish and i brought them i certainly i was probably the least popular person in shreveport that day because i brought them to the airport

and then ate them in the airport food court, not on the plane. That would be incredible. That's no grosser than Sbarro. I wish I'd thought as a bit to bring a plastic bag full of crawfish onto the plane and just like the whole flight. You can also get a plastic bag full of Cinnabons to bring on the plane and just like the whole flight you can that you can also get a plastic bag full of cinnabons to bring on the plane can you just actually hold the bun just fill the bag up with frosting i had a a listener at max fun con this year hand me a trading card for an airport dog

have you guys ever met an airport dog before like a drug sniffing one no no this is a this is like a dog whose job it is this actually i think in portland maine is where i met one of these dogs it's a highlight of my life you're just sitting there in an airport terminal the worst place in the world and then someone comes up to you and says would you like to pet a dog and you say yes and they provide a dog to be your friend that's pretty cool this one is named shiloh the bichon frise and it's a fancy dog yeah shiloh's birthday is augustth, 2006. Oh, wow. Right now I'm dealing with the possibility that Shiloh may be dead. Shiloh may have died since they produced this trading card. I will say my dog was born August 14th, 2007.

If that's hardening at all, yeah. And is your dog dead yet? No, she's making a ruckus in the other room. She's still got ruckus in her yeah oh yeah she's still she's more cantankerous she's becoming like because she just complains when there's nothing to even talk about like i just imagine if she spoke english she would sound like andy rooney at the delta terminal in lax there's this adorable pug that tends bar at the Chili's, too. Used to be a relief pitcher for the Dodgers.

Right, yes. Really strong pores. That's what's nice about that pug, strong pores. Heavy breathing, but strong pores. Heavy breathing, heavy pores. Yeah, that pug will get you fucked up before you fly to Phoenix. That pug will get you fucked up before you fly to Phoenix. When something momentous happens to you, we ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN for our segment Momentous Occasions.

And you know what else you can do? Just make a voicemail and email it to us, jjgoe at maximumfun.org. Here's a person who's done that. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. Hey, Go. This is Josh from Duluth calling in with a momentous occasion. Went to the movie theater today and I saw a kid on his sister's shoulders in a trench coat and a fedora and some Ray-Ban sunglasses getting a ticket to a movie. I think it was Top Gun, but I don't know.

Yeah, just full-on Vincent Adult Manning in real life without the broom arm. All right, love the show. Love you both. Talk to you soon. All right, bye. I feel like he never calls anymore. He says talk to you soon. Bye. I feel like he never calls anymore. He says talk to you soon. I mean, I'm always the one who texts him.

Nine months is when I'm going to get the next call. I think it's important to point out for the people who are listening that when the caller said his name was Josh, Josh Gondman gave a little nod like, hell yeah, it is. Yeah, like one of the team. And then I was like, oh, this is a pretty good story. Is he trying to replace me? Josh, we're going to switch in the new Josh. I was working on my Deuces and Marrow packet. Oh, come on.

I threw out the first pitch on this podcast. They brought in the real pitcher. There's a great running gag on Twitter about this guy doing ecstasy. And you can tell he's never done it. Wait a minute. He's the one they call the ecstasy chupacabra. Yes, that's the ecstasy chupacabra. Sucks the ecstasy right out of goats.

There's a Reddit slash r slash Jesse that I subscribe to. My name is Jesse. Just for the listener at home. And I was looking at what the top posts are right now there's only a post about once a month or so yeah the top one is yo my name is jesse may i know your names and then there's one that says we should get together and fight and And then the body just says, last one standing keeps the name. Wow. High stakes. And then there's one that says, my name is Jesse.

That's the subject. And then the body of the message says, cock and balls. And then there's one that says, the subject is, my name is Tim. And then it has Tim and then the greater than symbol, Jesse. Tim is better than Jesse, he says. He says, I officially declare a war between Tims and Jesses. You can't stop me now. Now, I have a question about-

Is that about the War Powers Act of Tims? My question about this subreddit is a question that I have about many subreddits. And that is, are people using this to jack off? I mean, that cock and balls one, I could get off to that. Yeah. It is evocative. Very. And balls, you say.

This one says, my name is Jesse. And then the body says, I go pee-pee-poo-poo. It's kind of hot. There's one here. This is probably the best one. It says, Chief Keef. And then the body says, anyone here like Chief Keef? He's trying to get some general music discussion going.

Yeah. Josh, do you have to contend with other Josh Gondelmans online? I don't think so. There's not that many Gondelmans overall. And so there being another Josh one, just statistically unlikely. Are there many Jordan Morris-ies? Yeah. Jordan's Morris?

We have a frequent dilemma I've mentioned on the podcast, but there's now a soccer-playing Jordan Morris, who is very good, a real charmer. And won't come on our show. Will not come on our show. But I did get to do an interview with the Seattle Sounders website, and they sent me a jersey, which was really nice. Oh, that's fun. Yeah. That is cute. Are there any other Joshes in your life, Josh? I mean, Josh is a relatively common name. There were two in my high school class, and it was like, whenever we were in the same place, we got along fine. But whenever we were in the same place, it was like, it was a hassle. I don't know how all the Sarahs do it.

Yeah. And then I went to Brandeis, and the Joshes were also the Sarahs. Like, we were as numerous as the Sarahs. Right. I think I like just, I'm a generation before a Jordan explosion. I think that there are a lot of like, when I was like in my 20s, there were a lot of like 10 year olds named Jordan. So I think I just kind of slipped by with having kind of an unusual name for the time. I think I'm about 3000 years after the main Jesses.

Which were? Like an Old Testament. Jesse's Christ. Yeah. The Hebrew Bible is your primary Jesses, I would say. Good Bible. Good Bible. Since then, there was relief pitcher Jesse Orozco.

I feel like Rick Springfield brought Jesses into the zeitgeist. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's a really good point. I feel like Rick Springfield brought Jesses into the zeitgeist. Oh, that's a really good point. He really did a lot for Jesses who want to have people say, I wish I had Jesse's girl to them. Before that, that almost never happened. And then after that, often people would say that to us. Think about how striking your girl would have had to have been and how forward and aggressive the people you were encountering to just broach that. There's a documentary about Rick Springfield fans, about the fandom around Rick Springfield that I had a co-worker who just emphatically recommended to me. I don't have any particular feeling about Rick Springfield, but he's like, if you like a rock doc, you got to

watch this Rick Springfield documentary. And it is really fascinating about what does a one-hit wonder do after they were a one-hit wonder. And the most amazing part about it is they make you wait to hear Jessie's Girl. They'll play some little riffs from it but like the first time you hear it it's like an hour into the movie and he's playing it at a county fair and like i get edging now i get it it is like you by the time he fucking blasted out at a county fair where it's raining and no one showed up it's like yeah you just look like oh my god the greatest song in the world is playing anyway brian i forgot what the other song in the world is playing. Anyway. Brian, I forgot what the other calls – you told me and I forgot.

What is it? We have a segment. Now, Josh, on our show – I mean, you're a producer on – writer-producer on Desus and Mero. Correct. A wonderful television program. And I know that show, you know, that you will do field pieces. You'll do different recurring evergreen segments on the show, any kind of setup you can find to let those, to wind those two hilarious guys up and let them go, let them do their thing and their hats and everything.

And we do kind of a similar thing here on Jordan, Jesse go, where we have really creative and we thought of a lot of segment ideas for the program. We haven't. That we have worked really hard on. No, not true. We don't just have people call in with whatever they want to say that they think is funny or interesting. That's what happens. And then claim that it's a segment on our show.

That's exactly what happens. Whatever the subject of their call is. So I just wanted to let you know that. Yeah, quick question from Josh. Just a real quick question. Josh, I see Josh Gondelman. Yeah, I'm calling on you yes sir you said josh a moment ago and began to address are you talking to me or to josh the

previous caller because i'm feeling really insecure sorry josh g okay perfect yeah uh sarah the guy with the short beard and the striped shirt. The bug in his lap. Brian, play one of our segments here. Hi, Jordan and Jesse. This is Pat from Missouri. I'm calling about your long-running segment. Thanks a lot, Jordan. You ruined it for me.

I had a dream the other night that Jordan and I were best friends and writing partners, and we were at a club with a famously beautiful actor who shall remain nameless. Cameron Diaz. by discussing the etymology of the word chlamydia and recounting every episode of the Tim and Eric show, at which point she pretended to have a broken ankle and limped out of the club. So thanks a lot, Jordan. You ruined it for me. Jesse, sorry you weren't there. I was down at the swimming hole. Go ahead, Josh.

When he said this actress will remain nameless, I mean, I think what he was implying was I will continue not to reveal her name. But it sounded like you two, Jordan, you and this caller were talking to an actress who did not have a name. It was the character from Game of Thrones. Jesse, now, how do you feel? Just want to do a check-in emotional check-in yeah how do you feel about me making all these sweet dream appearances and you know it would kind of seem that you haven't really appeared in any dreams maybe i'm forgetting them but well hold on jesse

appears in all the cars so that's kind of the dichotomy. You can only do one. You can only, yes, you have to get out of a dream if you want to get into a car. Yeah. So, Jordan, you hold down the dreams, Jesse takes care of the cars. I've been making a lot of appearances, Jordan, with a dream on Beesinger, like at malls or signings. That's pretty cool. Oh, that's nice. Are you like personal security?

No, we are co-billed. Oh, wow. So it'll be like, come to, you know, we're opening. Rick Caruso hires us a lot for his different. It'd be like, Rick Caruso will be like, I'm opening a new pretend train. Come and see, come meet R&&b singer the dream uh the hyphen dream and public radio personality jesse thorn and then that way he appeals to all the demographics from r&b fans to fans of of the dream all your main demos so you guys you guys play really well off each other uh yeah we

have like uh i don't want to say like an abbott and costello vibe because i don't remember which one of them is which but maybe like a smothers brothers thing where i'm the dumb one or like i would say more than anything else is kind of a joe and kamala thing right well i mean i think like the smothers brothers you two were really kind of out there at the forefront protesting the Vietnam War, right? Yeah, absolutely. We were so brave and important, considering that fundamentally we were a banjo playing dumb guy, smart guy act. You sang a song about a fox? Yeah. Sure.

The Smothers Brothers are great. They're still alive. You think they're still playing shows? Did you sing a song about a fox? Yeah. Sure. The Smothers Brothers are great. They're still alive. You think they're still playing shows? I don't know. I would love to see the Smothers Brothers. That'd be fun. I would for sure go see them.

They used to play like wineries in Northern California. I would always want to go see the Smothers Brothers. I was about to say like Performing Arts Center. I bet like that's where you see the Smothers Brothers. Love to go see the Smothers Brothers. Guys, let's get tickets. Let's go. Yeah. We're there. yeah that's where you see the smothers brothers love to go see the smothers brothers i'm so guys let's get tickets let's go yeah we're there dubuque here we come do we have to go to dubuque yeah sorry let's go let's go see abbott and costello instead yeah i really wanted to you know i bought bought tickets to see Jesse in the Dream.

It's not, listen, it's not a ticketed event. You just have to wait in line outside the Anthropologie. Yeah. Rick Rios is opening the Grove 2 and they're going to have a 60-foot monorail. Just go 60 feet from the movie theater to the limited. The Grove 2 is going to be called grover grove harder 206

9844 fun or jjgo at maximumfun.org we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jessica hello I'm a stuffy dowager countess. Travis? I'm judging everybody's manners. Oh, no.

Schmaners isn't judgy. It's about teaching you to be your best self and be a little more confident when you enter social situations that you don't understand. And maybe also teach you a little bit about history you didn't know or give you interesting things to talk about at parties. Yeah, like the secret life of Emily Post. Or like why wristwatches are the way that they are. We can talk about table manners from the Victorian era. Sure. Or what it's like to attend a Regency ball.

Yeah. You can find all that and more if you listen to Schmanners on Maximum Fun or wherever your podcasts come from, I guess. Schmanners, Schmanners. Get it? La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. A man was walking along a beach which represented his life. At his feet were two sets of footprints, his and God's. feet were two sets of footprints, his and God's. But looking back down the beach, the man could see that in the hardest parts of his life, there was only one set of footprints. So the man said to God, why is there only one set of footprints when times were hard? Where were you? And God

replied, my precious child, I was in my car listening to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is a multi-award winning comedy podcast and you can find it at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Josh Gondelman, the king of smug brow. Is that a beer they serve at Oktoberfest?

Yeah, I would have thought you'd heard of it. Smugtoberfest? Is that something? Smogtoberfest. Smogtoberfest? Is that something? Smogtoberfest. Smogtoberfest. That's when you watch the Hobbit movies. Yeah. In October.

In Lederhosen, yes. The German director's cut. Mm-hmm. And Smogtoberfest was where you drink beer and point out that actually Jesus was born in the spring. Mm-hmm. Smogtoberfest was where you drink beer and point out that actually Jesus was born in the spring. Christmas was to replace pagan holidays. Okay, cool. Love hearing about this again. Guys, I would add jokes to this, but I'm an actual NPR host.

There you go. Yeah, but you aren't the one who brought fucking David Foster Wallace essays into this shit. Just do the smmaug stuff. Talk about sleeping on a pile of treasure or something. Yeah, that's pretty good. That does not seem comfy. Well, it is to a dragon, Josh. Yeah, you're not a fucking dragon, dude.

Don't assume shit about other people's experiences or other mythical creatures. Maybe they need a firm pile of treasure because they have bag problems. You know, Josh, you're really centering yourself in this conversation about smog. I do like to consider myself a dragon ally. Or am I supposed to be against dragons? That's an interesting question. Listen, when it comes to dragons, I think we all just need to step back and listen. Notes app apology about dragons.

Notes app. Some of my comments about Smaug and his pile of treasure were hasty and ill-informed. It's crazy that you, of all people, Josh, would say something like that because some of your best friends are dragons. Pete. Wait, no no that's the kid i'm i'm sorry i said that rain of fire didn't pass the bechdel test rain of fire island it probably doesn't that's um how come there's so few lady dragons that's a really good question there's the one from sh? That's a really good question. There's the one from Shrek. There's a lady dragon in Shrek? I think she and Donkey have a physical relationship. Am I remembering Shrek wrong?

You're saying that Donkey from Shrek dicks down a dragon in the movie? This would be such a fucked up thing for me to just make up. Like if I was just like yeah that's right right and it's just like my brain firing randomly you know in the movie shrek where donkey fucks a dragon can i ask you a question can i ask you a question about this because i don't remember this from shrek i saw shrek one time but i don't remember this from shrek i mean a donkey has a big dick for an animal but is it good enough for a lady dragon? I feel like, look, I feel like if you're going to fuck a lady dragon, I bet she's got her own- A cloaca.

Right. That was not what I was going to say. Oh, okay. You're probably right. They're related to birds. Yeah. I feel like she seemed like an in-charge lady. She knows what she needs in the bedroom, which is just a pit cave. I feel like she seemed like an in-charge lady.

She knows what she needs in the bedroom, which is just a pit cave. That's what her bedroom is. Are there other lady dragons? If this pile of gold's a-rockin'. A donkey's comin' knockin'. A donkey's... don't you hate it when you fuck a donkey and then he's like on your side of the pile of gold right you're just like oh get off me yeah lightning my space sleep on those rubies are there any other lady dragons i mean i'm since i'm asking this i know we're laughing and joking a lot but are there other i was just talking about this with gina davis are there other lady dragons in cinema yeah i'm trying to think uh yeah i'm trying to think

we're the Game of Thrones dragons Do they know their gender? I don't know No, we don't get a good look at their cloaca Right That was I think that ended up in the You know, that's one of those cutting room floor things

The episodes can only be so long Well, if you had read the books, Jesse If you had read The Winds of Winter You would know There's a lot of discussion of eating partridges right and dragons cloacas that's what they left out of the show eating partridges yeah isn't that the big thing in those fucking books is they describe all the different birds they're eating I haven't read the books all it's all i know about it is that they don't know how to end it

and it's full of descriptions of eating different kinds of birds have you did you ever as a young person read the like red wall books by brian jock i think i read is that about a like a knight who's a mouse maybe yeah that's in that zone there's like tons of descriptions of food that's just like, they ate a feast made of candied walnuts and blackberry cordial. And I feel like Game of Thrones just sounds like them eating all the animals that were eating all the little nut meals. Not dragons, but I guess all of the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park are female. Oh, yeah. Clever girls. Clever girls.

Clever girls them all. That is interesting. I mean, that's like our generation's dragons, I would say. Yeah. Back in my day, we didn't call them dragons. We called them dinosaurs. They were all broads. They could open doors, and they killed Newman.

Oh, the tits on these raptors. Baboom. Thank God they invented deepfakes so we can finally see Smaug eat Newman. Yeah. Yeah. so we can finally see Smaug eat Newman. Yeah. That's something I could jack off to, am I right?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go re-watch The Eternals on Disney+. Sorry, I got to take a second here to fill out my Emmy card. I'm voting for the boys. I got to vote for the boys. I gotta vote for the boys. For my consideration, up your consideration. Consider these nuts. Can't wait for the Ahsoka Tano series.

This guy's fun. Love doing this guy's fun i love doing this guy yeah josh gondelman's got a new stand-up comedy special it's on uh vod stands for video on demand is that correct josh yeah you can demand it you demand it on on june 21st from from youtube and i think amazon and TV. And it's for rent and for sale on June 21st. I'd really love for people to see it. It's got a bunch of stuff I've never released and a couple bits that I've done for a little while, but I've never done on TV on a special or anything before.

And it's my first hour that's video in addition to audio. So I really hope people enjoy it. And then it'll be in 90 days after it releases it'll be for free if you want to wait but if you just pay for it get get gondolman a few fucking gondolman some bucks these people like comedy dynamics need a dollar or two they're out here paying gondolman you gotta pay them. Give Steve Jobs his 50 cents. The man's a ghost. Pay the ghost, as Nicolas Cage, that one movie, would say. Right.

Yeah. Steve Jobs needs two coins to get out of hell. To pay the ferryman. Steve Jobs, just go ahead now. jobs just go ahead now our producer is brian sunny d fernandez our theme music love you by the free design courtesy of the free design and light in the attic records valerie moffitt is on the stream you can go and here's what you do jordan if you want to watch jordan jesse go live we're not archiving this shit but if you want to watch Jordan Jesse go live, we're not archiving this shit. But if you want to watch it live, you go to the Maximum Fun YouTube channel, you subscribe to it, and you have to turn on the notifications.

And we're not going live all the time. So all you got to do is turn on the YouTube notifications, and then your phone will ding dong at 8.03 p.m pacific on some sunday evening and you get to watch gondelman and his little doggy yeah a lot of people haven't seen this dog if you weren't watching and we're just listening at the beginning it did sound like i was breathing like a pervert because my my tiny long pug was right next to the microphone just like well one of the times one of the times it sounded like that the pug was next to the microphone just like well one of the times one of the times it sounded like that the pug was next to the microphone the other time you were on slash r slash jesse as we know the steamy messages yeah poopoo cock involved fight those tims

oh yeah fight those fucking tims i'm so hard right now. The greater than sign. What is it if not a pointy boob or penis or whatever gets you going? Yeah, the greater than sign can get it. Right in the opening. This one says, evening, gents. It says, hope all is well. Just wanted to tell you you're all awesome. Oh, what a nice subreddit.

Isn't that a great vibe? Yeah, love it. It's a really nice vibe. Then this one just says, biggest orange I've ever seen. Picture of an orange. How big is it? Look at this. I mean, it's good size.

There's no doubt about it. It's a little hard to judge. It looks like it's on some kind of homemade table. Yeah, maybe you need something for scale. Yeah, it would be nice. Like a regular sized orange. Yeah. Could just be.

It could be camera tricks. You know how these fucking orange people get. Mm-hmm. The Oompa Loompas? Yeah, sure. Why the fuck not, Josh? I think Oompa Loompas are aliens or something, right? Aren't they from Oompa Loompa land?

Oh, it's colonialist. I think so. It is. I think it is. What's from space? Oh, Vermicious Knids. Vermicious Knids. Vermicious Knids are from space.

My grandmother used to make the most Vermicious Knids at Hanukkah. The secret is you got to inject the syrup right in them. You got to inject the, they have to put the syrup right in the knids. Classic Massachusetts grunts or whatever they were called. Why not? Sure. Grups.

There you go. Grups. What is this this garbage thank you for listening we'll talk to you next time on jordan jessico i'll hug you and kiss you and love you love you love you love you MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.