Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 746: Mind Loaf with Sloane Crosley

Episode Date: July 15, 2022

Sloane Crosley (Cult Classic) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of how they spelled Sloane's name wrong on Jeopardy, the levels of fancy coffee places, and the most cult-ish experience Sloane has ever had.  Plus, Sloane has a great new book out!Get Sloane's new book, Cult Classic now!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, the King of New York. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Who is the real King of New York? I've deposed him. Is that Scarface? It's from a musical. I think it's from Newsies, so I think it's Newsie. Yeah. Newsie from the musical. I think it's from Newsies. So I think it's Newsy. Yeah.

Newsy from the musical Newsies? John Newsy, the protagonist of Newsies. The Broadway version of Newsies or the film version of Newsies? Which one has Newsy in it? So this was kind of controversial amongst Newsy fans. Right. The film version eliminated the beloved character of newsy uh-huh that was originally in the book uh-huh and added uh spider-man oh well great fantastic you know who i heard is the number one newsy fan and i have no i just it's just something i heard

president joe biden really yeah he's always loved newsies he went to see it on broadway I have no, I just, it's just something I heard. President Joe Biden. Really? Yeah. He's always loved Newsies. He went to see it on Broadway. He loves the movie. He read the novel. This guy is crazy about Newsies. That's why he always wears one of those hats. Is that, now, how does he feel about them switching John Newsie for Spider-Man in the film version well i mean now you talk about of course controversy follows president joe biden wherever he goes right but uh probably the most controversial thing about him loving newsies is that he also loves spider-man and in fact his only complaint about the revised newsies that where they replaced john newsy the protagonist of the original newsies and well the the novel newsies and then they then in the movie they replaced him with spider-man then for broadway no need to recap people are following this okay so his only following the

fake thing his only complaint was he wanted to be the miles morales spider-man and it was the peter parker spider-man sure that was his only complaint and if you hear if you ever talk to jill about this she will be like oh he talks my ear off about it all night long all night long 8 to 12 when we go to bed it's just miles morales miles morales miles morales anyway i just got back from uh new york where judge john hodgman performed at lincoln center which you might have heard of yeah lincoln center that was that's that's huge what's uh now had you ever to talk about talk about walking into the venue for the first time what was it like could you smell the history yeah i mean uh there's a there's a very particular Winton Marsalis odor.

It's kind of sweet, and there's a hint of, it's like walking into an Indian grocery store. Wow. Have you ever walked into the Indian grocery where there's bulk spices there? I have, yeah. That's kind of the Winton Marsalis. A little cumin-y is what you're saying? A little cumin-y? A little bit of cumin there.

It was terrifying, but it went great. It was, I think, in a lot of ways, the perfect venue because John is arguably the Wynton Marsalis of podcasting, I would say. And of course, because my background is in modern dance. So you guys really, really brought the house down. John jazzed and you danced. Well, in a lot of ways jordan wouldn't you say that podcasting is like jazz i always say that i say that every chance i get i let everybody know that what we're doing is word jazz um it's one of the what's one of the only american art forms

it's jazz tap dance and this yeah you know who I was just talking about podcasting being jazzed with? Jill Biden last night. Oh, yeah. I bet she was just- Eight to midnight. I bet she was just relieved to be talking about something other than Miles Morales. Yeah. We had a great time.

Jean Grey was there. She was fantastic as always. Definitely my favorite part of the entire show was when we had some people on a woman brought her girlfriend or wife to court for liking the red hot chili peppers too much and talking about it too much. Wow. And Jean, Jean said, Well, at least she doesn't like Pearl Jam. And I have never seen a crowd go colder in my life. Oh, my gosh. I was like, wow, the only person you could the only musical act you could have insulted that would have received a more hostile response is probably Weird Al Yankovic in that crowd, in that crowd of 45 year old overeducated white people. Right. But that was great.

And so thanks to all the people who came out. Thanks to Gene. It was great to see John, Jennifer, our producer, and perhaps most importantly to the show, Richard Kind, who came on a city bike. Beautiful. Yeah. New York zone. Richard Kind came on a bike share and shared his wit and wisdom with us.

It's really interesting. That's so funny. I mean, obviously, congratulations to you. And I'm not trying to take away anything from your night your your night you would never no i would never do that um but it's interesting that same weekend i was actually while you were at lincoln center i was at stinking center so so you and john were at lincoln center and i was at stinking center so we had two in the lincoln and one in the stinking is that worth doing real shocker of a weekend the weekend was shocking we have a guest here from the world

of literature jordan yeah that's why i did that. Do you think you're going to get a book deal from two in the Lincoln, one in the stinking? Listen, if that doesn't do it, I'm giving up on publishing. She doesn't even give out book deals. She doesn't have that power. She could call the publisher. Call the publisher. Call the publisher. Call the publisher.

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Call the publisher. Call the publisher. Call the publisher. Call the publisher. Call the publisher two in the Lincoln one in the Stinkin? Welch, you won't if I don't do it. By the way, there were four in the Lincoln. Me, John, Jean Grey and Richard Kind from Spin City. It's quite the vast Lincoln. Stinkin's a smaller venue. Hard to fit as many people.

It's more intimate. It's a more intimate venue it's like the troubadour did you bring your like a tight five to this thing tight four okay oh my god yeah oh our okay so our guest on the program is a new yorker she's probably been to shows in in these venues and more she's probably performed in all these venues uh she's an been to shows in these venues and more. She's probably performed in all these venues. She's an acclaimed writer. She has a brand new novel called Cult Classic.

It is such a delight. It is very New York-y. Sloane Crosley. Welcome back to the show, Sloane. It's only been 12 years. Just a brief 12 years. Hi, it's nice to be here. Can you sum up the past 12 years? I was about to say, can you sum up like, it's called the Ohio Shocker, right?

Yeah, that's correct. Am I? I've never, I heard it called the, I've never heard Ohio on the front, but. I don't know why, but I've always felt, I always thought it was called the Ohio Shocker. know why but i've always felt um i always thought it was called the ohio shocker and it was my first exposure slash education about ohio not the actual act but just the concept of it originating in ohio right um you didn't hear about like cincinnati chili for example no i heard nothing about i heard about like something bad happened at a who concert and then it goes straight to the shocker like i have no that's my entire history of ohio pop culture um but anyway yes hi it's nice to see you guys again it's nice to see you too

sloan i've i have many things i want to i'm going to talk to you about um i'll just i'll just start i got a list please were you a clue on jeopardy yes i What the fuck? How does that that that's rad. Unpitchable. Unpitchable. I think it just happens. And it was last week I was at an airport, which is not the best place to be. So it was a delightful way to distract yourself in a really egotistical way is to keep on playing a clip of people guessing your name on jeopardy you know what better if i i would recommend doing it if you can arrange it just really blowing everybody's mind at the chilies too yeah that's the other people wearing a mask of the mind a mask well i will say uh the the gentleman who i think then went on to become jeopardy champion so we can't really um you know

critique him too much uh Uh, but guess pie, he didn't get it right. He guessed pie. It was, I was told there'd be fill in the blank, the title of my first book. And, uh, I believe the hint was a tasty treat and I don't consider pie a tasty treat. So I don't really know where he's coming from emotionally or reference wise, but, um, yeah, it was, it was a pretty cool experience. I've read that book. And it's a delightful book. I probably still would have guessed Biddle, honey. Yeah, I was. Well, at first, when I actually when I first when I published my first book, they thought

the cake was too girly. And I have such an allergy. I thought, well, if this isn't setting off my sensors, I don't know why it's setting off the publishing house's sensors. And, you know, are you allergic to girliness or to cake? I thought I should call it. I was told there'd be guns and ammo and get it over with. My joke for the past, like, you know, several decades now has been I should have called it.

I was told there'd be rank control for all the cake I got. Sure. You know, something of use. Then after that book came out, were you inundated with cakes from everyone you've ever met? Well, it's one of these things where, you know, you have a book that does fairly well

and then you, with it comes accompanying meetings in Hollywood and so people would bring cake to these meetings. It was probably the first, the first carbs

they'd seen in years. And, um... Where do we even get one of these fucking things? In a bold, bold move. I remember the nice folks at CBS at like 11 in the morning had a red velvet cake.

I'm like, there's several levels on which this is an insane thing to do. And I respect it. But yeah, you got to make a commitment. Red velvet's a disgusting cake. Anyway, we can go down the cake hole if you want. That sounds weird. I wouldn't have balked at that Pearl Jam thing.

2006 called and it's very angry. Don't you dare say a word about Edison bulbs. I always feel like we chose unwisely in high school. We had the choice of, you know, I felt like Nirvana or Pearl Jam and we went the Pearl Jam route. But also Nirvana didn't tour and we were on the east coast we had no choice but to be pearl jam fans we were backed into it you mean because its front man was dead it was this was before he died i'm older than that yeah got it um okay so topic two yeah topic one you were a clue on Jeopardy.

We solved that. It was great. Wait, they misspelled your name, Sloan. We're skipping the juice here. The juice of this, look, we all know that you're very famous and successful. Of course, you were a clue on Jeopardy. However, I think the most distinctive part of you appearing as a clue on Jeopardy is that your name was misspelled.

Yeah. What's strange to me about it is it's always hard to get a firm grasp about how other people see you and your conception in the world. And maybe you shouldn't try. Maybe that's not a healthy exercise. But I feel like I would call myself, let's say, medium famous. I'm not. This is not a J.K. Rowling situation.

It's not a Dan Brown situation. I don't think anyone's's say, medium famous. I'm not, this is not a JK Rowling situation. It's not a Dan Brown situation. I don't think anyone's ever spelled his name incorrectly. But I would think that, you know, just sort of reverse engineering it, there must be a producer or someone on Jeopardy who was a fan and thought, well, this is well known enough that, you know, there's a chance that someone might actually know it. It sort of, you know, passes the bar for a clue. So I would think that that person specifically would have spelled my name correctly. It's very strange. It's not like, it's not commonly enough misspelled, but it's also the way it gets misspelled, which is the E gets hacked off

of the, of the first name. So it's a very, I almost look at it and it feels like they, they knew exactly how to get to me. And they did. They knew how to hurt me and it worked. Jeopardy. Yeah. Jeopardy negs you a little bit. Yeah.

Ken Jennings would have spelled it right. That's my opinion. Just my opinion. Just my opinion. Guess who else would have spelled it right? Kurt Cobain. Yeah. Thank you.

And now we'll never know. Yeah. You know who else would have spelled it right? A pie. Which is also a very good dessert, I contend. A pie who knows its own enemy, right? So it knows how to spell the name. Sloan, do you dislike pie, but like, I mean, look, I'm not, we're not going to get involved in a pie or cake thing.

Yeah. Because obviously. It's yeah because obviously it's not productive it's not productive yeah okay we might as well talk about the horse-sized dogs and dog sized horses or whatever it is and icing pissing contest no yeah you don't want that right do you like cake but not like pie at all because you really went hard at pie. I don't particularly love dessert. Um, okay. Well, this is, we have a, we have a larger lie at work here. I think the thing is it was just the, um, I'm sort of just, you know, as, as anyone is sort of fascinated by seeing other people's brains at work, jeopardy is a good opportunity to do that in a, in a, you know,

people's brains at work. Jeopardy is a good opportunity to do that in a, in a, you know, under pressure. And the idea that it was, I was told there be, and someone, and this contestants definition of a tasty treat was pie. I mean, I think I would think maybe brownies, cookies, lollipops, black tar heroin. I mean, I just, the list goes on. Yum, yum, yum. black tar heroin i mean i just the list goes on num num num but pie doesn't seem like who craves pie it's part of a traditional meal if they would have asked me what i consider to be a tasty treat i would have said christ's love wow jordan i'm also i'm changing my answer from bit o honey to big hunk christ's love yeah i'm oh that's that's what happened in the in uh in the 12 years since you've been on the show i'm like a weird religious guy you are great oh yeah jesus he was he was in

between the couch cushions the whole time yeah good for you sure my apple tv remote was there too jesus and app the the Apple TV remote, but very easy to, easy to lose. Yeah. As I have gotten older, I have gotten really positive, passionately positive about cream pies.

Yeah. Like a banana cream pie, a chocolate cream pie. Like these are really silly pies. Well, they're, they're traditionally comedic vengeance pies right they're not meant to be eaten but to be sort of projectile right yeah in the in the

cloud community we would call them throw-in pies yeah i'm also a clown now by the way no no g the throw-in pies throw in yeah yeah yeah yeah i'd be fatty arbuckle but yeah you actually do eat that i don't i yes i think that the yeah you have a more sophisticated palate i will say i would do a key lime pie if he said if he said a specific pie i mean not to to dwell on this but honestly what else is there to be frank well that's well if he said a key lime pie i think i would have been maybe had the same reaction as i did in that cbs conference room when they showed me a red velvet cake i'm just like well you guys went for something and i appreciate you having an opinion it's not my it's not my opinion but i appreciate you having

one sure i will say this i i recently visited a very long time frequently referenced uh over many years friend of the show tyler's house in woodside california our friend tyler who won the amazing race um guys i'm gonna stop the cat from eating a house plant i'll be right back okay is that a euphemism or is he really doing that it is i'm gonna go uh stop the cat from eating the old house plant if you know what i mean i know what you mean have fun in ohio we'll see you later wait so tyler or does he have to pause the whole thing well i guess we're just we'll just let ty we'll let jordan go take care of it so at my friend tyler's house we had a beautiful dinner with tyler and his wife and his children and they live in this beautiful place called woodside cal California in the forest. It was gorgeous. I'm just talking about Tyler's house.

Oh, cool. And we had this beautiful meal with a lot of grilled vegetables. And it was just spectacular, some cheeseburgers. And at the end, Tyler brings out this banana cream pie. And I almost cried from seeing this pie. And the children didn't want to eat it. And Tyler and his wife had tiny slices of pie. And I think I felt obliged to eat half a pie. Did she make the pie or he make the pie? Did either of them make the pie?

No, it was not a homemade pie. It was a store-bought pie, but I don't care. I mean, make the pie, don't make the pie. It had a graham cracker crust, which isn't my favorite, but I still ate half a pie. Well, that's actually probably better for you. Yeah, it's true. It's a healthy slice. Graham crackers are healthy. They help children of the late 19th century stay regular.

Is it Joe's Stone Crab, that place in Miami? There's some sort of famous touristy place in Miamiami where they make the key lime pie that has the you know to make it correctly the ratio it looks like an insane it looks like a mullet of a pie basically where it's just like a thin level like layer of sort of slimer green right and then you've got that kind of like sort of giant mound mohawk of of of cream this this sounds great to me it's great miami here we come yeah that would be great yeah but yeah no so i don't i haven't eaten much dessert since the since i was told that rick came out it's been what are you eating for a celebration sloan if you're if you're going out for sloan's favorite thing to munch on other than christ's love leaving aside christ's love you can't yummy oh nummy oh it's isn't it a nummy yeah love christ i just are the actual wafers yeah my tasty treat is

transubstantiation right in the body of christ just a thing i like just always goes down smooth i just eat the wafers before they turn into the body of Christ. I don't even need them to be. That makes you Protestant, I think. I'm like, there's a word for that. Episcopalian. Oh, right, right. Sorry. I'm Jewish. I wouldn't know.

What do you guys turn into the body of Christ? Nothing turns it. Well, we believe Jesus was around. We just think he was like, you know, a townsperson number three. Exactly. He was like in the play. person number three exactly like just like he was like in the play right he was the tyler of yeah he was the tyler he's like yeah he he caused he caused very little harm um but he had to go so yeah i just laughed maniacally at that on behalf

of my people what is my what is the thing i celebrate with um i like like adult the adult self me um i i really like a cacio e pepe and like a negroni and like a salad just sad that's what i like like a really good like you know green salad and like a gross you know very lemony pasta and a good drink i'm already imagining that this salad that you're eating is like radicchio or something no it's like a bitters a bib a bib i don't i don't like a a sharp green which you i understand why you would jump to these conclusions weedy salad yeah but it's not like because i don't like dessert i don't have this like wild pendulum that therefore eats bark you know i mean i have i just i just eat like i just eat like a person

but i feel like it's more like that's true because i love dessert and bark listen i was uh i i was in your camp for the longest time sloan where like my treat was was booze i'm like yummy things that are really gross like or if i'm really being an animal and no one is around i will like i cannot keep dried mango in the house because yeah i find the serving suggestions laughable i'll eat 12 servings at once and then we just see what happens to my body um but no i don't have a specific a specific um. I feel like the right answer here would be for me to say I go to Joe's Pizza. Sure. A black and white cookie.

Yeah, right. I just punch a pigeon, feed it a bagel. A nice bite of the Chrysler building. A nice big chomp of the Chrysler building. I'll eat anything, Deco. You really are obsessed with Christ. You just put anything to do with Christ. Let's keep the Christ in the Chrysler building.

Let's not forget that it was Christ himself that built the building. It is objectively the prettiest building in Manhattan. Yeah. Objectively. I was going to say, I made it like a conscious choice to cut back on drinking recently. And when I did that, I became pie and ice cream guy. Yeah. In an insane way.

Because you just needed an extra thing that wasn't your meal. Is that it? You just needed an ancillary. Yeah, I think it might be just like the body wants the sugar. Oh, right. The sugar I was getting from tequila. Well, were you having pina coladas every night i had a booth at jimmy buffett's margaritaville at universal city walk and uh i would just say

keep the boat drinks coming one of those like home margarita machines that are like advertised on tv every day like your methadone is like a Midori sour. It's disgusting. But yeah, I don't, I don't know. I mean, I was just in LA on book tour and I have to say every time I'm in somewhere else, like I'm in LA, I eat really well. I went to that place all time, which is super trendy, but all the food is fresh. Like I feel like the worst food in Los Angeles, I guess it's just more gleaming and colorful and colorful and tastes more freshly plucked than anything that would be very nice here. Close to the only restaurant that I eat at in Los Angeles. And look, do I eat at Pie and Burger in Pasadena once in a while? Yes, of course.

Or we wouldn't discuss it so much on this show. Sure. It's almost the only topic. Some people say it's the third host of the show. Christ, the fifth lady. Yes. In a lot of ways, Pie and Burger is a character in Jordan, Jesse, Go. Right, yes.

Christ, New York City, Pie and Burger, and of course, Samantha. The only restaurant that I really eat at is a sort of Mexican-American type restaurant that's down the street from my house called La Beja, where really the foods come in a variety of browns. It is a real sort of earth-toned 1970s color palette in the food. It is like the shag carpeting in your uncle's den. Everything is a variety of tan and Brown. Like, yeah. If you're lucky, you'll get a beige. Yeah. It's like Brown encased in beige. And all I have to say about it is numb, numb, but it's how it sounds. Like, I feel like my favorite place in San Francisco is like La

Taqueria. Yeah. But like, again, we just don't do, I don't, I it's funny. I feel like, um, it's weird to rag on the culinary scene of, of New York city of all places. But I think that, uh, there's a lot of stuff that we probably like, I just don't, we don't have the best of, uh, a lot of genres and ethnicities of food. It's, it's considering who lives here. It's, it's bizarre, but we, but, but no one else does a bagel like we do. So there's that.

Bagels are good. The bagels are good. The bagels are good. When I was in New York, uh, I was in New York, I guess last week or something like that. Um, I stayed in one of the hottest neighborhoods and of course, you're up on all the hip. Murray Hill. Uh, it's called Midtown. And, um, it was a lot of, it was a lot of fun. Uh, I, I did do some gourmet eating.

I, uh, I ordered grub hub out of a Momofuku that was in a mall next door to my hotel. I was a Momofuku there in the mall. So I ordered that night. Uh, what mall in Midtown? I don't know. This is just this mall there right next to my, right next to my hotel. You're like, listen, something happened to me. me okay don't grill me when i'm i was hungry and i ate a i ate a cumin noodle um how was it it was pretty good i mean no complaints i'm gonna be frank with you

but when i was walking around midtown which again probably almost certainly the hippest neighborhood in New York City, if not in the country. They say it's the Brooklyn of New York. I noticed that there was Magnolia Bakery there right next to my thing era was like 20 years ago or something now. And but there it is. It's still present and available if you want it and also what's crazy is that um after your own heart in the future the only what i find the only really edible thing there and it's beyond edible it's delicious is their uh banana cream pudding oh my god i'm sorry to say with the nilla but they have like nilla wafers in it

the la uh the la magnolia was by my old apartment and uh you know it's one of those things where i would walk by him like oh look at this dumb thing yeah look at these dumb jerks standing in line for their fucking instagram i like how you're like you should have like a yeah it's like you should like you're talking like an old-timey reporter wondering why these people are online for all the cupcakes yeah see why aren't they uh why aren't they hitting hard in the south pacific why aren't our boys uh uh harvesting scrap iron our boys overseas need copy cakes right copy cakes for the war effort but i i did go in and try that banana pudding after having you know 90 people tell me like go get that banana that's

the thing to get yep that's fucking it's great and i would like you know i would get it and bring it to parties and it was always a big hit and stuff yeah that banana pudding rules it is it's the only thing i can eat when i'm sick when i when i uh when i feel like i'm gonna like if i'm really sick if i have like food poisoning or some sort of uh thing where the food is competing to sort of exit out my major organs it's like the one thing that can like slip through the gauntlet, like get past the bouncer and be like, all right,

come on in, get through the field of lasers. Like Catherine Jones. So it's not like private party. We're really sick. And then later the banana pudding is doing Coke in the bathroom. Off of one of its own wafers. Oh,

that dude's fucked up. I got to gotta say i had read a lot in uh uh i don't know if you guys have heard i again i read a lot of really cool periodicals but i was checking out something called the new york times and there's a lot of articles in there about this giant chocolate chip cookie and i happen to be walking down the street to the next of the giant chocolate chip cookie store it's like a tall cookie it's basically a muffin it's basically the size of a muffin and it has a lot of chocolate chips and nuts in it and uh i eat this cookie and i'm gonna be frank with you guys i thought it was bullshit that was a bullshit cookie i did not like the famous cookie of new york city that famous giant is it a look yeah

you you you're trying to protect the the hard-working people who made the cookie but is it a levain cookie no i look i'm not gonna i'm not here to insult the hard-working people that made this giant exactly okay so we're dragged pearl jam through the mud you found yeah those are what about working people what about stone gossard jesse he worked hard that was gene that was gene gray and she's more cantankerous than i okay she's known as a cantankerous one some think she's too mean on judge john hodgman some think she's too funny um slash good um they're looking for my generic contributions. Yeah. I thought it was a bullshit cookie,

but what is the thing? What is the thing that you can get in New York Sloan other than bagels? Let's bagels. That's too obvious. And also we've, we finally got good bagels here in Los Angeles. Oh, the,

I know what you're talking about. We're not sweating anymore. Come on. There's a machine now that converts our tap water to your tap water yeah but enjoy the uh the moldy jam across the street from that wow you know shots fired at squirrel i see you ouch ouch yeah baking in your in your hot beautiful sun we love we love the mold sloan it's more authentic the mold has antioxidants i usually eat bagels i because normally i don't if i'm in new york i'm not staying in midtown normally i'm sleeping on a fold-out couch in john hodgman's office and uh john hodgman right now yeah there you go great sound quality in there

mere blocks from judge john hodgman's office is a place called the bagel hole and uh the bagel hole is something that i look forward to every time i visit now jesse how many fit in there how many would you say you could comfortably fit two in the salt one in the everything i don't know let's we'll let's go we'll come back to this um but i don't know if that's it the bagel hole is a the bagel hole is a true a truly fantastic bagel i don't know if it's the best bagel in new york i know there's a lot of contention around that um but i will say that it is certainly among if not the best bagel i've ever enjoyed and it's just a joy to have it right there like when you're staying in a place you're not familiar with and you can bleary-eyed wander

down to a place and buy a bagel for breakfast when you're hungry and can't get breakfast for yourself um it's a it's a treasure and then fucking hodgman followed them on facebook and found them posting like q anon stuff i was like god damn it why did you tell me like not just why are they posting it they're posting it because they're crazy people but i don't care that's fine just give me the bagels but But then Hodgman told me about it. So now where am I going to go? The fancy coffee place? I don't even drink coffee.

They don't even have food. That's how fancy the fucking coffee place is. You don't drink coffee? I don't drink coffee. Is the fancy coffee place a bodega? And that's why you're like, they have all these other things they're selling. It's a very fancy coffee place and they don't, it's too fancy to sell. There's one level of fancy is, is like, is like not great pastries. One level above that is good pastries in the pastry case, you know, like things you would actually want to eat. That's a fancy coffee place place a really fancy coffee place is mad at you for wanting a pastry and that's just a guy it's a guy in a leather apron who has a graduated cylinder yes everything everything takes 19 minutes to get you're like why is this smoking

and they're like that's part of it looks like he should be working in like the sort of bottom chamber of tit. Yeah. Just like throwing coal into something. I don't know. Or a steam engine. I went to that version of that place once in Joshua Tree. Know it. And yeah, same thing. No food.

Just like a guy with a braided beard and a leather apron. Yeah. Behind a used bookstore is that jason momoa serving coffee yeah it is jason yes if jason momoa decided to decided to put all his energy into coffee instead of uh getting uh yoked and being pretty funny yeah um i feel like i so i am vaguely allergic to caffeine, which is a very strange thing. Um, because it's not,

uh, an instantaneous allergy, like a bee sting. It, it doesn't require like an EpiPen, but it builds up over time. And what's strange about that is, um,

I get decaf everything, but I also like fancy coffee drinks. So I end up getting these, you know, when I do go exorbitantly expensive, ineffective things. And so what you're describing that, that sort of look of disdain, which I really experienced, I think mostly in high school when I like worked in a mall, like the people hated us, the teens that were working in the mall, the customers,

and we had the customers like just sort sort of like equal like aplomb um but uh i could sense this look on the barista what's the old um i'm gonna be like i think it's a stephen wright bit where he talks about um or maybe george carlin where he talks about you know when people give him flyers on the street it's like they're saying hey can you throw this out like you throw this out and i feel like yeah and i feel like when the baristas, when I order a decaf oat milk latte, they're like, why don't you just give me $6.50 and I'll pour this down the sink? I can feel it. I can feel it coming from them. And I'm like, just let me live my life.

I know it's a sad one, but just let me live it. With this guy, I was like, I remember going, I'll just take two coffees with a little bit of room. Oh, boy. And he turns around, and then he, you know, 19 minutes later after he's done splitting the atoms or whatever, gives me the two coffees. He's like, here's your coffees. And as for cream, it's not necessary.

Oh! Doesn't even have it. Doesn't even have it and jordan doesn't even have it and doesn't want me to want it you know what you're getting a little taste of what it's like and i don't mean to pivot here but i genuinely mean this you're getting a taste of what it's like to be a woman and get your hair done because they you sit in these freaking chairs and you know, people who look at you as if you've not had, you know, 40 plus years with the same hair. Like, you know, no, no, it looks great this way. It looks great. Curly. It looks great. Straight. No, you should leave it like this. Do it like this. And I'm like, where's your authority coming from? Yeah. Well, it's coming from upstairs. If you know what i'm

talking about uh you know what we can't hop skip and a jump till christ yeah it's really hard to to leave him out of conversation when he's following you with those footprints jordan is it difficult and when he's carrying you and he's literally carrying you through hard time christ christ you know what christ knows there's room for room for milk when he's carrying you through hard times christ christ you know what christ knows there's room for room for milk when he's carrying you all he wants to talk about is that new star trek show and you're like i haven't seen it yet i haven't seen it yet jesse no spoilers christ yeah yeah jordan you'll drink i mean the captain before kirk there was one before kirk jordan you're the most avowed of all the coffee

drinkers i know you're the most committed to just like diner coffee uh like the most basic coffees like there have been times in your life it's changed a little bit in recent years i feel like my my palates improved a little bit um improved why am i making a value judgment it's changed uh but yeah i still for the better for the better i what i'm saying is i'm better yeah me me me yeah well you live on the coast sure i am no i'm a coast i'm a coastal elite um uh but yeah no i think i i think i do i can like you know detect the notes and stuff these days but also i still really like just getting coffee at 7-eleven you know so anyway the number one thing that i the number one context in which i am at a coffee place uh or buying a drink at a

coffee place is uh i mean like i'll follow wife. My wife is a real coffee fanatic and I'll follow her into a place, but she mostly makes coffee at home because it's better that way. Um, as far as she's concerned, but, uh, I, and I'll follow her sheepishly in, in the manner of that, like, of like a, a dude in a women's clothing boutique who's sitting on a chair outside the changing room holding a purse um like a classic like lockhorns level amount of discomfort but um uh but the main place the main context in which i will go to a coffee drink place is if there is if i'm in an airport and there is like a coffee bean or a starbucks i will get in the line and then just order the milkshake like you know how they sell a milkshake there like there's one item on the menu

without coffee in it yeah like it's it's like a vanilla hibiscus uh you know ice flow uh sugar treat or something like that. It's called on the menu. It's like the stuff they're drinking in those soda shoppies in Utah. Yeah, exactly. That's right. Yeah, the shoppies. Yeah, the shoppies.

I don't know why I want that in an airport and not in the rest of my life. I don't know why I'm willing to wait in line behind people who are getting coffee that they need because they need the caffeine or whatever um but i 100 like in an airport i will eat chicken nuggets uh very happily and i will order one of those seven dollar like ice milkshakes that they sell at the at a starbucks but i think if I, no one is asking me to do this, but if I might intercede here, I think that Jordan's association with diner coffee and your association with airport grotesqueness,

I don't even know what to call it, in a cup are similar because it's associated. It's like the reason why, like, I feel like I sometimes like having, even, you know, if it's decaf coffee, like it feels like a time when I was like staying up all night and smoking cigarettes and just being kind of terrible. And that's what like crappy diner coffee reminds me of. So in a weird way, it reminds me of this like heedless youth. And then the airport thing is just like you don't exist as a person normally there and it's almost like you're just leaning into it but i highly doubt you're getting anything

out of that beverage i there's a scene in uh your book right at the beginning where your protagonist uh leaves a dinner gathering at a restaurant to go outside and smoke a cigarette. And I was like, oh, my God. Yeah, people used to go outside to smoke a cigarette. I remember that. That was totally a thing. Like it was a vivid, it was a vivid like sense memory of not even me. I was never a smoker, but like people going outside to smoke a cigarette as a very important thing. Right. Or just almost a civilized thing. Like almost like we're going to adjourn.

Yeah. Now I think in restaurants, people vape marijuana or something. I mean, people will. I mean, first of all, the insert. I mean, none of us were alive when people were, I think. Well, at least we weren't going to restaurants when people were smoking in restaurants. There were smoking sections maybe of diners a little bit. We probably caught the tail end of that. Primarily our moms were smoking while they were pregnant with us in restaurants.

My dad was a smoker. And I definitely remember like sitting with him in the smoking. Yes, my pregnant dad. Arnold Schwarzenegger from the movie Junior. I remember going like sitting with him in smoking sections and like eating while he smoked. So, yeah, that was kind of the tail end of my childhood maybe. Maybe, yeah. Okay, so maybe the tail end. But with your own monies and your own hard-earned dollars spending money on food, you weren't also sitting there and like, you know, putting a cigarette out in an omelet and

then getting up in a, in a huff. Um, my dream, my real dream, you asked me my, my craving, my favorite New York food. It's a cigarette in an omelet. But yeah, the, the, the, the, the idea of it, I mean, it still happens. I just think more more in New York than L.A., which is like a fairly obvious statement, you know, more health conscious culture in L.A. But so it still it still feels like a thing to do to go out and smoke a cigarette on the street. I mean, I go I'll go out with friends and not smoke a cigarette. It just feels like a nice break in the meal. It just feels like a nice break in the meal. Yeah. Guys, I don't mean to interrupt here, but me and my cool friend, Kel, who's a graphic designer, we're going to go smoke and talk shit about you.

So do you guys want to take a little break? Yeah. Jordan here is talking about Kel from Kenan and Kel. He's a graphic designer now. Oh, wow. and then kel uh he's a graphic designer now um but jordan and i've been friends ever since uh kel was on all that and uh jordan went to every taping of all that as an audience member they became friends that's a really beautiful supportive story yeah happy you have it yeah jordan also we're gonna go we're gonna go talk shit about you guys yeah jordan also worked as uh as a guy who focus grouped good burger to focus group good burger it's the only

perfect score we ever got yeah in that job well it's important to beef up your resume if you will listen i was looking for i was looking for an elegant way to get out, but we're not going to do better than beef up your resume. We'll take a break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Hey, every episode of Jordan, Jesse Goh made possible by the members of MaximumFun.org. We're very grateful to you. When we say this, sometimes I worry. We say it too many times. It turns into just a bunch of noises. But it really is the case that your memberships are what make this show possible so thank you for doing that we're also supported this week by the good folks over at raycon raycon i love jesse yeah i love my raycon

earbuds why because of the optimized gel tips the optimized gel tips for perfect in-ear fit. Yeah. And the fact that they look, feel, and sound better than ever. Are you tired of subpar gel tips? I know I am. Yeah. Optimize your gel tips with the headphones of the good people at Raycon. You know who took my Raycons?

It was my wife, Teresa. Oh, yeah. Now she uses them for jogging around and going for walks. Man, that's what I like to use Raycons for as well. They're terrific. Raycons are one of those gadgets that you have where you're like, hey, these work every time exactly like I want them to. Yeah. Can I tell you a feature that I like? I like to switch back and forth between noise isolation and awareness mode whoa it makes me feel like i'm in like an over sound designed movie from the late 1990s mid to late 1990s like a post pulp fiction kind of like edgy swearing hitman kind of movie where it's like moving back and

forth between his internal monologue and the outside world jesse you know something i like to listen to on raycon it's not just music but i also i'm a big audiobook guy our uh our guest this week sloan crosley her new book is available via audiobook maybe this is something you could listen to on your raycons. I bet it would sound beautiful. Check out Raycon's wireless earbuds. Go to buyraycon.com slash jjgo to get 15% off your Raycon order. That's buyraycon.com slash jjgo to score 15% off. Buyraycon.com slash jjgo. Also supported this week by the folks over at Stitch Fix yeah whatever your style now more than ever it's time to

rock it Jesse are you ready to rock your style yeah you know what my style is hmm sexy fireman calendar heck yeah I think you can find the stuff for your sexy fireman look at Stitch fix uh stitch fix is a

really really great website a really really great service i use it i totally love it here's what you do it's easy and fun to get started you go online you take a really fun quiz uh you answer some questions about what you like to wear what you don don't. You just type in suspenders, and then you put in short shorts. And then you put in fireman hat. Listen, I don't know if Stitch Fix is currently carrying short shorts or fireman hats, but... Then untied boots, like unlaced boots. They do have a lot of great stuff. Here's what they do.

An expert stylist will work to find items exclusively for you every piece is hand-picked uh they send you five pieces you try them on at home you keep what you love you send back what you don't all the shipping returns and exchanges are free they actually put a bag in the box it's really easy it's not even you don't have to print something out you don't there's a bag waiting for you. It's really easy. It's not even, you don't have to print something out. You don't, there's a bag waiting for you. You just shove it in there and give it to the carrier. It is that simple.

It is really genuinely easy. Yeah. And, and if you, and kind of when you do take that quiz, uh, they make a little online store just for you. So if you're like between shipments and you need a couple little pieces, this exact thing happened to me recently. I needed a couple of new things. So I just went on Stitch Fix and took a look at that online store and yeah, found a lot of great stuff that was my style and fit. So yeah, Stitch Fix is totally awesome. Sign up today at stitchfix.com slash JJ Go to get $20 off your first purchase. That's stitchfix.com slash jj go to get 20 off your first purchase that stitch fix.com

slash jj go to get 20 off your first purchase limited time offer purchase within two days of sign up now jordan i don't want to speak broadly about jordan jessico listeners no but some of them may be attending sdcc which is what I call San Diego Comic-Con. That's great. That seems like that would save you a lot of time. It does. I mean, the problem, I have a problem in my life, which is what they call pace of play. And Commissioner Rob Manfred has asked that I refer to San Diego Comic-Con as SDCC.

Right, streamline things. Yeah, and then take no more than 15 seconds between pitches. Yeah, hey, our buddy Sarah Morgan and I will be at Comic-Con signing copies of our graphic novel, Bubble. We got

nominated for a couple of Eisner Awards, so we'll be there attending the awards show. Is Michael Eisner going to be there? He'll be appearing via video from atop Tinkerbell's castle. And then he'll introduce Flubber. We'll all watch Flubber on a Friday night with our moms. Yes. So Michael Eisner will be there handing out the awards.

So that's friday night but uh thursday afternoon at 2 30 uh sarah and i will be at the first second uh first second that's our publisher uh we'll be at their booth uh signing books and uh jesse i wanted to just i wanted to wanted to throw out a challenge okay if anybody uh the first person to come to the booth to buy a book or get a photo or whatever, if we see them with any Maximum Fun merchandise or cosplay, free gift. Wow. Free gift without purchase. A free gift from yours truly.

Listen, here's what we would love if some people would do a little bubble cosplay that would make our day i would love to see someone dressed as emily heller sure yes you could just dress dress as any max fun host uh so yeah if you're if you're if you're rocking any max fun merchandise uh or MaxFun-related cosplay. Hit us up at the booth, and I'll give you a free prize. But yeah, we're really excited to be able to do stuff and to see everybody and to sign books. So yeah, that is 2.30 on Thursday the 21st, San Diego Comic-Con, first, second booth.

I don't have an exact location for that, but maybe keep an eye on social media and we'll tweet out and post out the exact location when we get it. But yeah, Thursday at 2.30. Would love to see you there. Jordan, I'm going to issue a challenge myself.

This is Jesse Thorne's San Diego Comic-Con challenge. I'm going to be going down there for the... I'm honored to be a guest of Sarah and you in first second second at San Diego comic-con and the Eisner awards. I'm really excited about it. Really looking forward to it. I'm going to be coming down on the, uh, coast starlight. Wait, the Pacific surf liner.

What's it called? The Pacific surf liner. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. The Pacific surf liner, the Amtrak train between Los Angeles and San Diego, California. It's a beautiful ride. Uh, sometimes you can catch the sun setting over the Pacific surf liner, the Amtrak train between Los Angeles and San Diego, California it's a beautiful ride sometimes you can catch the sun setting

over the Pacific this is a gorgeous train I'll be sitting in business class I just look, I'm willing to spend the extra $15 for a reserved seat you like to splay out and if you spot me in business class, I'll buy you a snack pack.

Ooh. Yeah. Cheese and crackers? Mm-hmm. Cheese and crackers and probably like a protein stick. Whoa. In there. Shelf-stable foods, so you don't have to worry about anything that's gone bad.

And hey, yeah, if anybody out there is doing a podcast, doing something, we're happy to... If you need a couple of guests last minute, listen, if you're doing a panel and if Tom Taylor gets COVID and can't show up, call Sarah and I. We're happy to fill in. I hope Tom Taylor doesn't get COVID, by the way. We want the best for him.

You guys are already on the arrow panel right yeah we are which is weird because I stopped watching that show a while ago not because it was bad just you know there's a lot of content and I kind of fell behind and I meant to catch up so yeah I'm just going to be like kind of piecing together stuff I remember from the first season I think he did a lot of chin-ups uh yeah go look if you're going to comic-con make sure to uh stop by get your copy of bubble autographed or get your copy of bubble take a picture with uh jordan and sarah they're a good looking pair they're going to class up your comic-con photo album um you know do your cosplays share it on social media this is your responsibility as a jordan jesse go listener

it is what have we ever done for you do this for us sure and maybe we'll do something for you sometime yeah i don't know we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, for you that is about your novel and your own life experience um so i the novel is called cult classic maybe with without having any spoilers maybe we'd say it involves a semi-cult uh but people with uh one colored clothing one like a full. Like a monochromatic pajama. Yeah, exactly. That kind of situation. So what I want to know is, in all of your years in New York, what is the most cult adjacent

situation that you have been in? Oh, wow. And I haven't prepared you for this at all. Yeah. No, but it's a really good question. And I know I sound like I'm filibustering like a politician commenting on the quality of the question while I think of the answer. But I think jobs, infrastructure, family, bike lanes. Bike lanes.

OK, so I would say, wow, Okay. The most two cult-like individual experiences. One, I once went to this art gallery dinner in the early aughts, which is, which, you know, when I, when I describe it certainly sounds of its time. Um, I can't remember. What's known as the red velvet era the red velvet it is the red velvet era that's really true and this will this will bolster that um theory uh it was an art gallery and it was a dinner in an art gallery where everything was gold including the food so they put like they had like squid ink risotto but with gold leaf color covering it um or things were spray painted with gold food coloring. And it felt like Willy Wonka's very rich aunt hosted this thing. But everybody was taking, I think what made it feel so cult-like

is it was all these fancy art people and nobody was batting an eye that this was happening. And I think maybe perhaps they had more of a heads up. You know, they had some literature, some pamphlets, perhaps won some sort of charity auction that got them to the dinner. I just knew more about it. I thought it was just dinner in an art gallery space with a friend of mine. And I just could not get over it. And it felt very Emperor's New Clothes. I have a question. Are you? Yeah, sure. There's lots there. There's lots to unpack.

I have a question. Are you? Yeah, sure. There's lots there. There's lots to unpack. How confident are you, Sloan, that this food was spray painted with food coloring and not just with Rust-Oleum? I mean, I'm still feeling the effects. So let me ask you this, Sloan. Was the food rusting? QED. It has been demonstrated. It was not rusting it was not this exact thing happened to me i showed up i thought i was just grabbing dinner with a friend and you know they lay out everything was gold it was just it felt it felt like if i if i if i ended the story with you know and then you guys were there it would sound like a dream but but it's a thing that actually happened you know it was like my high school, but not my dad was here, but he didn't have a head. And I just felt like it was, that was really strange. Um, and then I would say after that, uh, working in book publishing, probably the most cult-like experience I ever had, but no, I, I've never, um, I think the kind of community or wellness culture gone wrong with or cranked up to the sort of highest levels is really something that is not, I don't associate with New York that much. Like there aren't that many, like the idea of a secret club in New York is actually pretty cool and pretty common.

But the idea that what's behind that door is anything besides green juice that i may be in the future but probably not i came so close we do have more active cults in la you do pretty good restaurants oh you do i've been to i've had brunch at the scientology so i don't think they serve it anymore do they serve i don't know the brunch might be over but you can still you can still have a really killer soju cocktail at the end of the seventh ray do you know of all the sentences i thought i was gonna hear when i woke up this morning that was that was number one i don't have their liquor license but i do a good job with the soju at the end of the seventh ray like in all seriousness there's not much cult activity but that's sort of why i think i set this kind of club-like, cult-like thing in New York, because I think it can pass through under the radar and it can have, even

though the book has a sort of speculative fiction, kind of magical, wacky bent to it, I think that when I wrote it, at least, I thought of it as very plausible, because it's not an actual, like, it's not like wild country wild wild country i came very close when i was in new york to going to a private club i mean the thing about new york is that new york has them like in los angeles there is like a fake one on the west side and there is uh you know like a newfangled one for people who are very rich but aspire to be graphic designers and then there is one in my friend kel is gonna be mad kel jesse's talking shit about you there's one there's like an athletic club there's but but it has clubby elements in downtown Los Angeles. It's been around forever. But New York is full of them.

And I met Nico Lowry while I was there, who is an appraiser on the Antiques Roadshow. I had met him when I went to the Antiques Roadshow. He said, well, when you're in New York, text me and we'll go to the Players Club. New York, text me and we'll go to the players club. And which I knew only as a rap and forte song, but a great rap and forte song, a truly transcendent rap and forte song. So I was totally on board. And then, uh, Nico was nice enough to come to, um, the Judge John Hodgman show. I got to hang out and talk to him and his companion. It was very fun. He's like, well, Friday night we're going to the players club. They're like, do you play pool?

I'm like, no. And they're like, well, you do now. It was great. It was going to be great. And then Nico got a cold and he didn't want to give COVID to me or anything very kindly. So he texted me. And so when he texted me, I just got off the subway and did what I think is probably the second most sophisticated thing I could have done on that Friday night, which is I got

off, walked through Times Square and bought a rush ticket to the music man just a single rush ticket to see hugh jackman in the music man with 20 000 uh unmasked 64 year old uh white tourists did you feel like you were in new york's hottest club oh god yes they got everything. 76 trombones. Shpoopy. And the iron lung. We're not sure what's next to it. Oh, get a load of that librarian. But I do feel, well, we're more influenced in every way, for better or worse. You know, I think we're just, it's, I don't think it gets much credit for this but it's our proximity to london yeah like it's all our old school crap that gets you know that is like a holdover from our previous overlords um and that includes a exclusive club like culture i don't think it's actually that we are remotely cool

i said to nico i was like well i've never really been i've been to the the like aspiring graphic designers club both in los angeles and in london but that's like i've never been to one with what i want which is like leather booths or whatever right or like uh people like like staff that wear tuxedos or something like that sounds great to me and uh i told Nico, I was like, you know, I have often thought if I wasn't, if I wasn't eligible for the John Hodgman's office fold out sofa club, that I would love to join the Princeton club because my wife, for some reason, because she went to Sarah Lawrence qualifies for the Princeton club. Plus there's probably, I mean, Jordan, I don't know if you've looked for the Princeton club. Plus there's probably, I mean, Jordan,

I don't know if you've looked at the alumni stuff, but there's probably a reciprocal relationship between the Princeton club and the UC Santa Cruz club, right? You know, no, there's not actually. Banana slugs. Where do Princeton graduates stay when they're in Merced? The Merced double tree. I told, told i told him like you know i've often i've often fantasized because it's one of these clubs where it has like hotel rooms that you can stay in and they're like discount hotel rooms or something i was like this is great i'm

gonna join this club every time i look it up i remember that it costed thousands of dollars and it didn't make sense but i'll join this club that i'm eligible to join through marriage to a sister college of princeton college and i'm gonna stay in this weird club like i was uh worcester and then nico immediately said oh the princeton club went out of business it was 20 million dollars in debt i was like god damn it that's the only one i qualified for. That's all. This is really exciting. We have, thanks to our producer, Brian Fernandez, some telephone

calls that are follow-ups to Momentous Occasions. Of course, Momentous Occasions, our famous segment where people call in and say stuff. Now, what they're doing is calling up and saying what has happened since they said the stuff yeah and when we say famous medium famous would you say jordan no high famous oh

more famous dude everybody's talking about this thing it's famous among people who are high yeah exactly you are super baked you love this. It's funnier than an episode of South Park. So we've been doing, for your information, Sloan, we've been doing this show since the mid-70s. So we have a lot of momentous occasions over the years, and we've asked people to call in with these updates. And Brian has a couple. So, Brian, why don't you play one? Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse.

Hi, Sonny D. Guest, I guess it's David Borey. This is Dave from Indiana. You know me as Kids Dr. Dave. I'm calling with an update to a previous momentous occasion. So three years ago, I was at 11,000 feet in Argentina at the top of a mountain watching a glacier break off a chunk which caused a little avalanche that I could see from a distance which was pretty awesome. So today I am in Death Valley. I'm at 286 feet below sea level and I'm in the bad water salt flats and it's 117 degrees i just want to say god it's so fucking hot yeah i think that's really fair that's it i love you have a great rest of your day i love you too uh kids dr dave um he's like you know me as i'm like no i don't dude i know him as kids dr dave he's on the reddit he's on the reddit jordan come on get with it kids dr dave he's on twitter this guy's a real doctor he's a medical

doctor jordan he's a pediatrician who do you even call when you have a boil you don't call kids dr dave i call my shaman at the end of the seventh ray okay fair enough i they apply soju and it's a natural healing thank you well kids dr dave has a real liquor license thank you very much wow doesn't have to serve soju cocktails oh my god um do would you say that kids dr dave is the jordan jesse go listener who's had the largest variance in altitudes or would you say that maybe it's chuck yeager yeah chuck yeager um although i mean he stopped listening a while ago he's one of those like oh i used to listen to the show people you know and you're like what the fuck legendary test pilot chuck yeager why would you say that to me used to it's like i know it's okay

if you did i get it i get it i get there's a lot of shows we it's fine if you fall asleep to jordan jesse gold that's a great look we all have a thing that comforts us enough to fall asleep to but it's still weird to just say it sure just because we're trying to make a show that's entertaining don't say yeah we get it yeah um anyway Anyway. Yeah. I mean, I want to I feel like I want to encourage callers to call in from both high highs and deep depths. I think if you're in a trench. Oh, God, I'd love to hear from a trench. Do you think we got anybody in the Marianas right now? God, I hope so.

What if one of our listeners was an angler fish, you know, with a little light bulb that sticks out of his head? Yeah. God, i'd love that i mean they don't see well but maybe maybe they can hear if there's those new uh earbuds have noise canceling and everything you know who i think is listening to us deep within a trench under the sea who's that james cameron oh god isn't that the dream to be in one of james cameron's subs uh jimmy jimmy if you're listening take us in the sub jordan can i say this too if we can't be in one of in one of cameron's submarines i'd be in one of his submarine sandwiches. Put me in a hoagie. Why not? This guy's getting lunch ordered in. You know he's getting hoagies. Put me between bread, Jimmy.

Put mayonnaise on me, Jimmy. Put provolone with me, James. I want to be betwixt your bread while watching The Way of Water. Anyway. Sloane Crosley, what kind of sandwich would you like to be in? Look, I have to say, before that, I hate to be weird, but I've been to 16,000 feet and to Death Valley.

So you might have someone in your presence. Wow. Let's hear it. What was the context? Quito, Ecuador, Cotopaxi. Cotopaxi. It's an active volcano in Ecuador. I mean, not that active.

It's sort of a lazy volcano. Cotopaxi. I know all about it. I, too, love contemporary classical music and boring film. Yeah, exactly. But yeah, so just very quickly, I was like, oh, this is funny. I might have the answer in your midst. and boring film yeah exactly but yeah so just very quickly i was like oh this is funny i might have the answer in your midst not that but now i i hope i'm not putting off callers but in fact

um opening it up for them to to share their great heights and um so that jeff bezos might call yeah and uh really put an end to all of this yo what's up it's the bees but um no what sandwich would i be i man don't worry it's not a real question so what if i was like a lettuce wrap i don't have an answer that would be good yeah you don't need i like a i like a sophisticated baguette i'm sorry yeah i mean pate on a baguette nothing wrong with that i just want to be protected by a hard outer shell so that no one hurts me. Thank you. That's really beautiful. Thank you.

When you taught at Columbia, did you teach about metaphors? I taught mostly about baking. Yeah. Okay. Fair enough. Either way. I just want to be able to open up enough to let someone into my bread. Come into my loaf.

Of my mind. The crumb is so moist. The loaf of my mind the crumb is so moist the loaf of the mind how to make it rise some have argued that jordan jesse go is the loaf of the mind come get come get a slice yeah a slice of mind loaf james cameron i don't know we're just talking right come on jimmy c we're all just talking okay let's play another call brian hi jordan jesse go this is ashley with a momentous occasion update on episode 700 i called in very excited because i was in the process of donating a kidney and I did not accidentally poop in any of the urine sample containers. Well, update, I donated my kidney and whole process went very

smoothly. The recipient is doing great. He basically has his life back. I'm fully recovered, probably in better shape now than I was before. And most importantly, throughout the entire process, did not poop anywhere I wasn't supposed to. Not the operating table, not the hospital bed. I stayed momentous. That's incredible. Love you guys. I didn't even make it through college with where are you supposed to poop? I feel like I want this woman's remaining kidney she's so articulate and yeah and kind and has such a sense of humor i don't know if any of that gets passed on through the kidney yes that's where all that's fine kindness lies in the kidney if she has more she's got if she's just giving them out i feel like she's out she sounds great just avoid the spleen. It's full of avarice.

Spleen is the seed. Gallbladder. Yeah. Right. Fucking gallbladder. Fucking gallbladder. Fucking gallbladders. I know this is, I kind of forget.

I mean, I don't have the best memory when it comes to this stuff. I know this is probably 150 memes ago, but is this bad art friend? You guys remember that? I actually thought of it. Well, that's part of the reason I was so drawn to this woman i was like now this woman's kidney i want as opposed to this is a good art friend as opposed to the that article yeah so i don't really remember what that was about yeah i think bad art friend wasn't that about a lady who brought her friend to a party where all the food was gold but didn't tell her ahead of time that it was yes an all-gold party up on platinum before she left the house and she managed to write like a 20,000

word essay based on this yeah that's pretty good you know what sloan if if you're gonna take down one set of people i i say it's personal essayists get them in your sights and take them down the call is coming from inside the house well listen to in order to skewer something properly you have to have some sort of authority and how terrible it is now you have to know so i'm in a position to take it down that's why i'm always making fun of uh guys with huge schlongs you're like well the transitive property of that logic means that this joke is gonna That's why I'm always making fun of guys with huge schlongs. You're like, well, the transitive property of that logic means that this joke has left the station and there's no stopping it. That's why I'm always making fun of people whose only life pleasure is ice cream.

Hey, man, we were all having fun with my schlong thing. Come on, dude. And then you made it sad. Fucking bring down city. Yeah, I wouldn't take down. I do have a cartoon you probably can't see, but I'm in my kitchen for those who can't see what's happening. And there's a cartoon. It's an old New Yorker cartoon. And one woman is bumping into the other.

And it says, I enjoyed your embarrassing personal essay in The Times. So you're you really I'm already one step ahead of you. If something momentous happens to you, like you get an embarrassing personal essay published in The New York Times or heck, the Los Angeles Times. Why not? We'll throw it in there. It's a it's a real newspaper. Don't let people tell you otherwise 206-984-4FUN is the number to call or just send us a voice memo from your telephone or uh if you got a micro cassette recorder sure use that we don't give a shit yeah jj go at maximum mini disc

yeah send us your mini discs or just email us something at jjcoe at maximumfun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Hi, I'm Janet Varney. And just like you, I survived high school. And we're not alone. On my podcast, The JV Club, I invite some of my friends to share the highs and lows of their teen years. Like moments with Aisha Tyler.

But when you're a kid, the stakes are just pretty low. Go to school, try not to get in trouble, get laid. Jamila Jamil. I watched television probably every waking hour during that time when I was shit-faced on medicine. And Dave Holmes. We talked and talked and then everybody left and it was just us two and I was shit-faced on medicine. And Dave Holmes. We talked and talked and then everybody left. It was just us two and I was like, I love you. Learn how you too can be a functioning adult after the drama and heartbreak of high school.

Every week on the JV Club with Janet Varney. Find it on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. This is a judgment-free show. Hi, I'm Biz, host of One Bad Mother. Whether you're a parent or just know kids exist in the world, join us each week as we honestly share what it's like to be a parent. I signed my stepson up for a camp that is actually in another state. I feel really stupid and I don't think we're going to get the money back. And then he found out that the car manual is a book about cars, so now he's reading our car manual.

We are... So join us each week as we judge less, laugh more, and remind you that you are doing a great job. Download One Bad Mother on MaximumFun.org. And yes, there will be swears. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. A Jordan Morris boy detective. Sloane Crosley, crumbling inferno.

That's really rock solid, Sloan you can become a writer i'm physically always extremely hot that's what like i always i run i run i'm like a wolf that's the kind of wow like a wolf quality like a werewolf or something i don't know why wolves are always turning up the air conditioning you You know, it's funny. I don't know why I always say that. Now I don't realize. I realize I don't know why I make that analogy. But either way, it doesn't change the fact that I don't really have a winter coat.

That's why a werewolf can't marry a Frankenstein. Because one likes to sleep hot and one likes to sleep cold. I mean, a wolf is one of the woolier, non-cheap animals. Great point. I feel like they run hot a wolf runs hot maybe I'm just getting this from shameful things like Twilight and those are some hot wolves I mean

have you seen them without their shirts on can I just say for me, Twilight if you're talking about Boner City, you got to talk about those sheep. Oh, man, those sheep in Twilight. Oh, my God. Talk about a tail between the legs.

You know what I mean? Red hot. Red hot and wooly, baby. I think we all know what we mean. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, anyway, long story short, that's where my nickname really originates from. That's really beautiful, Sloan.

Sloan, I read. It sounds like jesse is reading you have read yeah sloan's new book i finished sloan's new book cult classic it fucking rules it's my favorite thing i've read this year it is a great fun funny book great for like hey if you're doing a if this is like beach vacation cabin vacation summertime travel this is like a great you'll read it in two sittings fun bunker book a bunk if you're in a bunker listen if you're experiencing nuclear fallout yeah get get cans of beans and cold classic and cold classic now available wherever you get your books it's great i i i i would i would

recommend it to anybody um just it it's terrific i loved it so much i loved loved every every goddamn sentence in that thing is terrific uh you're yeah you're such a such a funny great writer and uh yeah all the all this i'll get all the crosley books but uh but cult classic is really something special what if i was just like no thank you to you no thank you that's really lovely uh get all the crosley books but avoid the crosley turntables those are bad turntables are gonna fuck up your records right that's true actually but they're they're they're pastel yeah i mean they're cute so they've got that going they're cute and you can get them at walmart those are the things that they have going for them but hey so is your new

book so it's a good looking book and you can get it at walmart it is really good looking isn't it cover yeah it's great cover and it actually sort of encapsulates encapsulates all the sentences in the book are great yeah to be fair it is 12 40 in the morning where you live and we're very grateful that you've taken the time. We're very grateful you've taken the time. Thank you. And I actually am jet lagged in the other direction, too. It's five hours ahead of work.

Is it possible that that's— You're like, I'm doing a podcast? Is it possible, Sloan, that's why you think you're a wolf? It's more like I think you guys. I'm like, Mother mother is that you yes it's jordan jesse go i'm romulus this is remus um but yeah that it's it's it's all about because there's a lot going there a lot of moving parts in the book for something that's essentially just a comedy about friendship and

romance in new york but that has enough twists and like weird philosophical stuff literary stuff speculative stuff there's like a you know a magic cult that enters into this and mind control um and i didn't know how they were going to put that on a book cover but they did it yeah there's a little bit of stanford prison experiment in the book i would say just a soup song just a little bit of Stanford prison experiment in the book. Just a soup song. Just a little sprinkling. I have been waiting like a tiny baby cobra for somebody to just give me that analogy. And now I can sink my teeth into it. Thank you. It's like, lovely. Yeah, so so it's's a yeah i know it sounds weird to talk about the cover but it does it is you know for authors i feel like oftentimes we'll get them and then you sort of open up you double click on that initial jpeg you know through splayed fingers scared of having to give someone notes who doesn't want to redo their creation or scared of being a pain in

the butt um but i opened it up and and very in a very hokey very genuine way i thought ah there you are if i ever instantly if i ever write a book a hundred percent in the contract it's gonna say at least 50 of the cover has to be my name embossed in gold um it is it is quite big that at that part yeah for some reason i had no notes but uh yeah my name is quite big. That part, yeah, for some reason I had no notes. But yeah, my name is quite big on that thing. Bigger. Immortalize me. Immortalize me. It's circled in red on the proof.

And you just drew a picture of a thumbs up. But it's really, yeah, it's good. But it's been fun reading. It took me forever to figure out which part to read from. It's been fun reading. It took me forever to figure out which part to read from because I think that, you know, for the essays, those are sort of hopefully funny right away or quicker. But the novel, you know, I mean, it would be sort of annoying if it, unless I, the only person who can get away with sort of nonstop, I guess Paul Beattie and Sam Lipsight can get away with just sort of nonstop, just a laugh-a-thon every single sentence but that's not really my my jam necessarily uh speaking of squirrel sorry

i would hate to be trendy la restaurant squirrel right about now right now no i have actually i'll i have to say to to make amends I've had the toast since they fixed everything. It's delicious. It's fine. Everything's fine. This was a restaurant with a famous jam that went on a famous toast and they had a controversy that the jam had mold. Yes. Thank you for that.

Yeah, for those. So it's a deep cut otherwise. But yeah, I have just started reading from the funny parts of the book only on like the 14th tour stop. So it's going well now. You're just doing the acknowledgments before before that it was a note on the type who wants to buy this thing you know it didn't go that well but uh yeah it's it's it's a it was a you know a genuinely fun book to write so i'm happy it's coming off well there is an element when you go on tour that you wish you could start with the seventh show. Like, it was what a fucking nightmare it was that I felt in my heart to do our first show in two and a half years at outdoors at Lincoln Center.

I was like, I don't even remember what performing is. But like, by the time it's like the fifth one you're like oh yeah i'm the fucking marks brothers i just took this through vaudeville and now i'm about to make at the races or whatever and you're like good morning wichita falls i'm gonna rock all seven of you and meanwhile i'm just gonna um um um terry gross yeah you just like you just like find somebody ahead of time. You're, you're like ready with your whole act,

except for before that. You just are like, what's a popular restaurant here. Okay, cool. What's a good local celebrity. You like work those into your first paragraph and you're fucking good to go. You're like,

how about that? Cincinnati chili folks who here loves Pete Rose. How about that? Moldy squirrel jam. And Tommy Lasorda. The listeners at home it's okay now sloan crosley's book is fantastic it's called cult classic uh it's destined to become a mainstream classic thank you um our producer brian sunny d fernandez uh our theme music love you by the free, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. You should come join us on social media.

We're on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com. We're on Twitter at Jordan underscore Morris and at Jesse Thorne. We're on Instagram at Jordan David Morris and at put.this.on. Speaking of Instagram, guess who i came very close to visiting except for he had a live show in washington dc yeah that's right it's my close personal friend john dickerson yeah that's right jordan i almost had lunch with john dickerson when i was in new york were you going to talk to him about his elden Ring build? Yeah, absolutely. A hundred percent. Or maybe just his dog.

Maybe I would have just talked about that great dog. Dog's great too. That's all. Okay, JJ, go to maximumfund.org. If you have corrections for the program, we always appreciate those. We care so much about quality, so tweet those at JDPower on Twitter. It's an arranged battle.

Fireball, enchant J.D. Power on Twitter. Enchantment is such an arranged battle. Yeah. Fireball, enchant weapons. Sure. And his Elden Ring spell. Can't wear a lot of armor. Can't wear a lot of heavy armor. I didn't hang out with Stu Wellington either. I missed Stu. We could have talked about painting Warhammer figurines.

Sure, yeah. Okay. Well, that's all. Look, we're ending the show. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica. I'll hug you and kiss you and love you love you love you love you maximum fun.org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported