Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 748: Too Cold to Cuck with Bridger Winegar

Episode Date: July 30, 2022

Bridger Winegar (I Said No Gifts! podcast) joins Jordan and Jesse to discuss riding the Pacific Surfliner train to San Diego, Bridger's trips to auto shows growing up, and how Emma Thompson ended up on Bridger's podcast. Check out Bridger's podcast I Said No Gifts!

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Congratulations, Jordan. As we record this, we just got back from San Diego Comic-Con, where you and Sarah Morgan were honored with two nominations for Eisner Awards. The E in EGOT. Yeah.

A lot of people don't know that, but the Eisner is the E in EGOT. And everybody who's won an Emmy, actually, and who thinks they have an EGOT, I'm talking to you, John Legend. You do not. have an egot yeah i'm talking to you john legend you do not uh the e is for an eisner award and the got is for america's got talent right so once you win the eisner and america's got talent then you can egot you gotta write a great comic book and then you gotta be able to juggle chairs you gotta the only person who's ever won one grant morrison it really was a great time it was great to be down there in san diego great to take the beautiful pacific coast liner what's it called the star pacific star liner the surf liner the star in-camera edits your dad can make to home videos.

The Pacific Surfliner down there, you get to enjoy a beautiful view of San Juan Capistrano and such. Right. 200 drunk white ladies in fascinators because it was the opening day of the racetrack. I guess I don't know what a fascinator is. That's a kind of hat you wear to the queen's wedding or something. You know, like it's purple. Yeah, like a, sure, sure. It's shaped like a Cracker Jack box with a little sproing coming off of it, that kind of thing. Nice, okay. So these ladies were wearing those things. It's shaped like a Cracker Jack box with a little sproing coming off of it, that kind of thing. Nice.

Okay. So these ladies were wearing those things. Jesse, just say sproing hat. I'll know what you're talking about. Okay, sorry. I should have used the technical term. Don't use all this weird slang. I should have used the technical term.

So I was on the train. These ladies are there. They're drinking train wines. We just go, look, Jordan, when i go to san diego on the pacific surf liner i'm riding in business class they have train wine there it's not a big deal uh it's one of the many perks along with the protein snack box is the wine made on the train yeah that's where the uh climate the toilets recirculate to barrels. They're oak barrels.

I mean, it's a classy operation. The women were very drunk. They were there with their husbands who were drinking train light beers, wearing sports sunglasses and hats they bought the previous day at Marshall's. Or possibly Kohl's? sunglasses and hats they bought the previous day at marshall's um or possibly cole's if you can buy a summer hat at cole's that's probably where they got that hat home depot maybe yeah just some just some dudes in pastel shorts have you this sounds like a time to use that meme where people are like the dick writing was insane you seen that one i time to use that meme where people are like, the dick writing was insane. You seen that one? I haven't seen that meme.

No. I really only see the one Drake meme. Oh, right. Where he's looking away from something. He doesn't like one thing, but he likes a different thing. He likes that other thing. Yeah. So hopefully if there's any listeners out there who are meme lords, I think we probably have one or two, make a meme of Drake looking away from fascinators and then looking towards sproing hats.

And I think that'll break the internet. I think we have all kinds of feudal ranks of meme makers. Not just meme lords. Yeah, meme dukes and duchesses. Have you been to the meme duchy, by the way, recently? Beautiful country. Great climate for wines. Right.

Should we bring our guest onto the program? I would love to. See if he's ever had a train whine. Our guest on the program is a comic comedy writer and podcaster, the host of the Smash It podcast. I said no gifts. Bridger Weininger. Hi, Bridger. How are you?

Oh, you too. It's so nice to see you. I've been on that train one time. What'd you drink? I think I drank half a bottle of water that I found in my backpack. Now we're talking. I was so excited about that experience. I thought it was going to be such a lovely...

I had just this idea of riding a train and reading a book and going to San Diego. And then it was fluorescent lights and somebody talking too loud and uh so it's just two hours wasted time i should have just driven my car i will say i had uh i had been friendly in line to a british man who had never ridden the amtrak before and i I said, look, it's a beautiful ride. You want to be on that side of the train. That's the ocean side of the train. So you can look out over the water. It's a beautiful view. Just know that it's not a European train. Like this is an Amtrak train. It's, it's, I guess, subsidized in some way. But, you know, there's no rockets on it or whatever they have there, teacups. And the first thing that happened when this poor man sat down on the train is this conductor came up to him and just she just goes, yeah, we want to see your ticket fleet. and i don't think i've ever heard a more confused like he was sitting behind me but i just heard a sound that came out of him that was like just bold it was like it was as though he had landed in america after a nine-month sea journey and then become an intern in Amy Klobuchar's office. Just immediately had a three-hole punch, throwing it as nuts.

You're so confused and upset by the Americanness of this batty-ass train engineer. Bridger, when you were taking that train trip, what were you going down to San Diego for? That's when my sister was living in San Diego for a few years, so I was going to visit her. And it was just one of these it was years and

years ago, so just my knowledge of LA was very limited at the time. So even getting to Union Station was kind of frightening. Then I finally get there, think I'm ready for the train, and then it's just two more hours of being jostled, essentially. But maybe it's time to revisit, because the idea of looking out a train window at the ocean i can't think of many things better than that that sounds so lovely but i don't remember any

of that what you're just what you're describing as jostling is known amongst us train enthusiasts as the romance of the rails right right it's just sort of like oh oh shit my snacks beautiful rumble yeah the lullaby of big medley yeah jordan how did you get to san diego uh i you know i thought about uh i thought about taking the train because, like Jesse, I've also enjoyed that train ride. And like you, I love two hours of uninterrupted reading time. Right. I can't seem to get it with all these fucking kids in the house. Just running around. And the wife.

I love you. I love you. I'm kidding. I have none of those things. I got to get this done. Jordan, that's fun how fun would it be if you had a son do you have one no okay i gotta get one i would love to get a son bridger don't you think it would be nice if jordan had a son i think it would be so nice i think you you would have this little person that would look up to you. You could take to museums.

Think of the train rides. Today I did a little hardware project with my son, Oscar. Did you do anything like that with your son, Jordan? Jesse, I don't know. Sorry. I know I created this confusion, so this is all on me. I've made my bed, and I'm currently lying in it. Sure. But earlier when I said I had a son or sons, I was just lying so Bridger would think I was cool.

Jordan, you probably spent the day, you probably just wasted it doing nothing alone. I did. Okay. alone i i did okay sat and faced forward and occasionally i would rock back and forth pretending pretending i was being jostled by a train oh you're talking about the chug chug of old medley driving those big steel pistons yeah so no i i did want to take the train to san diego um some like timing stuff didn't quite work so uh sarah morgan and i uh kind of got up early we hit randy's donuts for a couple of roundies and coffees and then uh we kind of drove down there nice drive um yeah comic-con uh very fun uh i was blown away by how deadpool and harley quinn are still the most popular things sure um i think time just stood still during the pandemic no one got past deadpool Harley Quinn. Right. Yeah.

A lot of great stuff came out during the pandemic. So I don't understand why people aren't dressing like. The characters from the double Eisner nominated graphic novel Bubble by Jordan Morrison. Thank you. Or that show where kids have to answer old people questions and old people have to answer kids questions. Basically, what I'm saying is why aren't people dressing like the host of that show, Kelly Ripa? How come they're not dressing like those Japanese toddlers that get little jobs to do on that show? Yeah. Oh, that's not a bad idea.

Dress like a Japanese toddler who has to buy milk. Yeah. But yeah, so you see the costumes, lots of fun. But I just can't stop thinking about the guy I passed on the street who was just dressed like a piece of pizza. Was he part of the convention? I like to think he was. I mean, he could just be a man who has a job, you know, handing out flyers for a pizza restaurant. Jordan, he could be a hobbyist.

Yeah, or I like to think that his favorite, you know, at Comic-Con, it's about passion, right? It's about displaying your, what are you passionate about? I'm letting my freak flag fly here. And I like to think that this guy sat down and was just like, I like Archie, but I don't love Archie. You know what? I love pizza. I'm going to dress as pizza. And then you could see a little bit of my butt, which I like.

Let me tell you, it was great, too. Are we talking about a silver dollar butthole? Or are we talking about a whole flapjack coming out? A little bit of the side of his butt that i described the pizza costume kind of draped over him like a sandwich board right okay i immediately pictured shaps i i immediately pictured prince with the butthole the butt cut the holes for the butt when i say butthole the butthole i presumed was covered but holes for the butt which revealed the butt how'd the book how'd the butt look jordan terrific

yeah and you're in your in your scenario the buttholes would have been pepperonis little cheeks uh bridger have you ever been to um a convention comic book or otherwise i've never been to a single convention and i'm very curious about the experience i uh i feel like maybe uh when i was a kid i probably went to a trade show with my dad like but it would be like an industrial trade show for like tools uh still filled with deadpool of course. I mean, everyone running a booth was in costume. It was just pure comic book heaven. No, I've never been to one of these ones, these entertainment expos. Yes.

And I feel like I would have a good time at one, regardless of whether I like what's happened. I mean, whether I'm interested in the content. What entertainment expo do you think would be your jam? Like, are you a Comic-Con guy, a soap opera con guy? Would you go to one of those ones where you get autographs from 60s TV stars? I feel like I, I mean, truly as a kid, I wanted to go to the video game trade show, E3. E3. They shut that down.

Yeah. So now I've gotta get into something else i feel like i could get into like a hair care convention going around getting samples of new hair care products uh new uh i feel like uh not merch like merch items like you go to the thing and you see like the plain tote bags or the new things of merch. I think that would be a fun thing to see.

Things that things are going to be printed on. Yeah. Finger traps. So just blank T-shirts and chapsticks. The blanks convention. Right.

To just walk for miles just looking at like just plain white T-shirts, you know, canvas bags. Just imagining the corporate logos that will soon adorn the possibilities

right it's a possibility convention it's such a blank canvas you just sold this convention as a show to hbo max this is prestige tell wandering through a convention of blank tote bags if you can't sell that to hbo max bridger you're out of luck. I think that should be easy. Yeah. My father-in-law goes to a lot of hardware conventions. He's the manager of a hardware store, employee-owned hardware store. Shout out to Jackson's Hardware up there in Marin County. Go there for all your hardware needs.

And what's crazy about them is my father-in-law's job is very hard. He gets up at 4.30 in the morning every day, goes to the store, works all day. I mean, he busts his rear. He's been doing it for 30 years. But the conventions, like what happens as far as I can tell is Husqvarna flies you to Hawaii and like buys you drinks. Like that's what a hardware convention is, is just a free plane ticket to Hawaii from Husqvarna. Right. Just a meet and greet. Yeah. You just meet the new chainsaws.

And just at the end, if you're nice and drunk, free hotel Mai Tais, they just say, consider drills. Yep. And off to check off in your hotel room. Bridger, I want to circle back to your interest in going to E3, because as a child, that was also my dream. It seemed like, I mean, an absolute fantasy. Yeah, a final fantasy. Of course, how could it not be? If you did go to E3,

who would you most like to meet? Are you a Sonic guy? Are you a Donkey Kong guy? Oh, so we're talking about me meeting fictional characters. Uh, yeah, sure, that sounds like a fun thing to talk about for a couple minutes. I mean, you could meet any goddamn guy. You could meet Winnie the fucking Pooh. You're not gonna meet Winnie the Po meet any goddamn guy. You could meet Winnie the fucking Pooh.

You're not going to meet Winnie the Pooh at E3. I've met Winnie the Pooh. Got his fucking autograph. Sure, at Disneyland. Gave him a big fucking hug. How many video games does Winnie the Pooh have? I don't know, a bunch, I bet. None of them have crossed my desk. Well, you should talk to your secretary, Bricker.

Okay, I've Googled Winnie the Pooh video games. They're all extremely violent. What about Winnie the Pooh's Rumbly Tumbly Adventure? For the GameCube? What about that right there? Fucking, God, these fucking people. So we got Tigger's Honey Hunt. I guess that's not a Winnie the Pooh game.

No, that one's more about Tigger trying to get some pussy. The old Honey Hunt. Let's see. He's at the hardware convention. He's looking for some self-tapping screws, if you know what I'm talking about, Jordan. I do. We got Piglet's Big Game. So it seems like a lot of the Pooh cast has had their own game.

Winnie the Pooh has not gotten his own starring thing. What about Party Time with Winnie the Pooh for PlayStation? Party Time? That can't possibly be true. It's Winnie the Pooh trying to convince you to do cocaine in the bathroom of the Rainbow Room. Come on. I made this whole video game for you no as a as a kid what was the what was the video game that would have gotten you the most

excited zelda for sure oh sure yeah zelda banjo kazooie uh lifelong fan but zelda i think what i mean to go to wherever, they probably held it at the Staples Center or something. Where was E3 happening? Yeah, I think you said that downtown LA convention center. Oh, right. The thing off the freeway there. That's the one.

To wander into that with a bunch of, you know, middle-aged businessmen and meet Link from The Legend of Zelda. Right. What a thrill. middle-aged businessmen and meet link from the legend of zelda right i've lost my mind yeah what a thrill bridger describing the los angeles convention center as that thing off the freeway is a level of ignorance of conventions that i'm starting to find suspicious like a bridger is running a short to medium con on us that involves him pretending he's never been to a convention, but actually all he does is go to conventions. This guy goes to cat con.

They're all just commonplace to me at this point. It's been all the marijuana equipment conventions that they're always advertising on low rent billboards. I just drive a truck around with all of the booth scaffolding and pamphlets yeah ready to go at a moment's notice this guy's full of heat lamp nachos all this guy does is he eats all his meals at convention do we count an auto show as a convention or is that a separate category no it's absolutely a convention have you been to the auto show uh yeah i've been to my share of auto shows what's your share three four i mean uh my i probably have been to dozens because my dad and brothers were big motor heads so i kind of got dragged along and uh would imagine would pretend that I was excited about the Dodge Viper or what have you.

But I've been to so many auto shows. That's not an exaggeration. What's your top auto show vehicle? What do you remember most vividly? Plymouth Prowler. The most ridiculous car of all. So ridiculous. Has those open wheels.

It's truly an insane car. And I later in life became kind of obsessed with the Plymouth Prowler community. It's fascinating. They have these message boards and they're posting like amateur photos of like car babes on Plymouth Prowlers. It's a very weird boomer area with this classic car. And I recommend anybody get on those message boards and just kind of try to figure out what's happening there. I'm looking at the – because I couldn't picture the prowler when you mentioned it. But I am looking at the prowler.

And now you're wanting it. And now I want it. Yeah. I mean, I love how, you know, kind of dick like it is. I love its dick like shape. I love, you know, back to Comic-Con, I love how I could probably airbrush the Joker onto it. And it would Deadpool in a Joker prowler. Yeah.

How twisted can you get? Jordan, have you ever been to an auto show? My dad took me to an auto show. You know, and I think that's a lot of the story of a childhood trip to the auto show. It's with dad. I mean, I think when you buy an adult ticket to the auto show and they print it out, it just says dad on it and then a child one

prints out underneath it. And also, yeah, a dad and then it says one bummed kid. And, you know, my dad liked cars. Bridger, I think you mentioned your dad was a real motorhead. My dad more of a Hawkwind guy, my dad liked cars. Bridger, I think you mentioned your dad was a real motorhead. My dad more of a Hawkwind guy, but he liked cars. One of these other bands before Motorhead.

So he was a, yeah, so he took me to the auto show. And I remember we drove past. Did we drive? I think we maybe drove past a carnival. Because I remember seeing a Ferris wheel on the way to the auto show and asking if we could do that instead. And my dad said no. And I think I just cried the whole time we were there. And then I left for college the next day.

Later, chump. Yeah. It's all carnivals all the time for me yeah i'm never gonna get off a ferris wheel i'm gonna live on a ferris wheel everything will be breaded henceforth yeah um so yeah no that was my one my one my one trip to the auto show did you get any pictures with the cars we would get pictures with the cars oh interesting i mean no i have no idea what's going on i mean i think i was probably openly sobbing so i think a picture of me sitting sitting next to you know a vintage vw probably would have been a real

bummer but bridger just for context i mean i've read a little bit about your history. At the time, you were a bikini babe. Yes, I was a bikini babe. That was like from 94 to about 2001. I aged out, obviously, but I was all over the country. I was displaying any car that needed, I was up on the rotating wheel, kind of luring men in, showing them the bells and whistles of the different cars. And like I said, obviously kind of just ejected from the industry in the early thousands. I'd like to imagine a middle-aged former bikini babe. Now she works in marketing, but she just gets the itch every once in a while and just shows up at one of those car meetups in like the in like the

big boy parking lot and she just she just takes off her marketing garb she's got the she's got the itsy bitsy teeny weeny polka dot bikini and she just starts indicating you can take the babe out of the convention center but oh i guess i it didn't even occur to me until you started talking about car babes do you think what i saw at comic-con was some sort of pizza stud yeah i think that's a pizza stud absolutely god uh you know the only thing about pizza studs is i feel bad for all the other pizza dudes because ultimately the pizza studs got the papers. You know what I mean? Like the pizza stud has the lineage.

Jesse, I don't follow you. They're going to breed the pizza. They're going to put the pizza mares into the horse breeding. You don't just pick up a pizza off the street and try to breed it. You've got to go. You need the documentation right for the pizza show yeah running the pizza around at the uh what is the dog thing yeah yeah sure the dog thing pizza agility just someone holding up the corner of the pizza slice to indicate that it has the perfect shape you have

to see if there's heat coming off the genitals the pizza genitals right just like jordan you didn't understand my joke you're suggesting somehow that something of dog shows involves measuring the heat coming off the genitals that's the premise of your joke jesse you didn't understand my joke i'm just saying things i'm just saying words that's what a podcast is i was thinking today on the train speaking of soap opera conventions right i was thinking today on the train or yesterday on the train i was coming back from comic-con i was thinking about how much i like someone that has all has their own whole life not a sad shut-in but has their own whole life and is you know just at some point they got into a particular soap opera and they still

keep up. Like somebody who's just like, again, works in marketing, 50 years old now, somebody who's some of our standup comedy buddies. I know Jimmy Pardo was a soap opera guy for a long time. Like, I don't remember which was his general hospital i think uh but you know just because comics are on the road they're home during the day you know whatever they catch that soap opera like i love that i love the idea of somebody who has who is a white collar professional or like a machinist and but they also have the soap opera that they follow i think that could happen to any of us god yeah yeah i mean i think that's what they're designed to do right i think if you watched if any of us turned out watch five episodes of a soap opera you would want you would

now just be hooked for the rest of your life you have to find out what's going to happen to everybody and it never ends that's yeah i think you're probably yeah no i think that i mean that is certainly i i've talked on this show about my my mysterious and i mean mysterious to me is i don't understand my interest in the show shark tank i don't i don't i don't get neither do i do you also like it of course i've never bought a single item i've seen on it. Yeah, me either. I think I've seen probably at least every episode from the last eight years. Oh, wow. Okay, so you're a completist.

Yeah, I suppose. I mean, Bridger, you do a little bit of angel investing. Oh, of course. I've got very deep pockets. I'll reach out to Mark or Lori and say, here's a little extra cash. Spend it on the show tonight.

And so I guess that's where my interest lies. Just watching where my... You'll give them a jingle jangle with a little jingle jangle if you know what I'm talking about. Here's a little something something. Get us a business that sells scoops of raw cookie dough. The raw cookie dough thing is absolutely unacceptable. The fact that that was ever a trend was horrifying to me.

Didn't any of you ever try the raw cookie dough that scooped like ice cream? I didn't. I pass one of those occasionally. Wait, there's restaurants for that? Yeah. Yeah, I think maybe the idea was for it to kind of come in and replace the fro-yo places. Like your Pinkberry-style choose-your-own or like a TCBY. I mean, just any fro-yo place that happens to close down because, you know, the trend's on the way out.

Right. Yeah. I could freeze my own goddamn yogurt, thank you very much. yo place that happens to close down because it's you know the trends on the way out um yeah so i could freeze my own goddamn yogurt thank you very much uh but yeah you know you know the thing that stops me from getting it is that like what's the weather for that like if i eat that and it's too hot i'm gonna be so fucking bummed like it'll be so sick yeah like anyway i uh no i i i i the the window were in in which i consider getting those scoops of cookie dough are pretty tiny and i never actually do it i feel like i would really admire the person who runs that business, but only if they really do have raw eggs. Right. If somebody is like, this is my fucking vision.

I said raw cookie dough. I'm not going to find something that tastes like raw eggs but isn't raw eggs. Like, I don't care that uncooked flour is dangerous which it weirdly is like i'm willing to roll the dice because i unlike you fucking believe in something and i don't care if salmonella gets in the way yeah um but i think it's that thing think it's that thing about soap operas that you observed, Bridger, is that there's probably just a hooking mechanism that hits the brain. And I think whatever version of that Shark Tank has has gotten to me. But yeah, I think if we all just sat down and watched a couple of eps of The Young and the Restless,

we'd probably be in. Jordan, do you feel that way about Dark Souls lore? You've talked about watching Dark Souls lore on YouTube. Sure. Yes. Bridger, you mentioned being into video games and, you know, Zelda role-playing type games. Do you ever play Dark Souls or another one of the from software i've tried every single one of those things and want to like them so bad but i just don't have the strength uh i i need to i need to have some area of my life where i feel like i'm winning where uh i have some control

and those games i'm just i'm like i'm just miserable i i can be miserable with the TV off. But I admire, obviously, their phenomenon. And there's a lot about it that I like. Like this lore stuff is very fascinating. And I can imagine getting into it if I could get five minutes into one of those games. But I can't. Your position is very reasonable. It's one of those things where I'm like i passionately love those games but if someone's like this shit is too hard and obtuse

and i play video games to have fun i would say you're right i'm i'm bad uh no they're uh they're you know they're terrific but it, but it's a particular boutique item. Even though they're getting more popular. Do you want to know? Your question about the lore. Yeah. I think the thing that I'm interested in about the lore is such an it's such an interestingly it's it's a story told in such an interesting way it's like it's not just like you watch a long ass cut scene

about margaret the fell omen or whatever it's like you the idea is so you fight whatever fell omen it may be yes Yes. Yeah. Margaret or Jimmy. Margot. Anyway, there's... Anyway, they're demigods and they come from... Anyway, there was the... It's pronounced Margo, but go ahead. So there... Yeah, so it's this thing where it's like,

okay, I played a video game. I walk into an arena. I fight a guy with a bunch of axes, and he chops off his own arm, and he puts a dragon head on the arm, and the arm spits fire at you, and then I beat that guy, and I'm on to the next level.

Great. But then you find out later that a seed you find in the arena has a story in it about the deal that this guy made with a dark alien god to become an axe-wielding dragon man. And you're like, well, that's bullshit. I didn't see any of that. And then a YouTube guy's like, but here's why it's true.

And then you just get blown away because i've you've never seen a story told like that before anyway that's my interest in it is that it's like it's this totally new way of telling a story via a seed you find you only like stories told via seeds yeah i'm a seed guy some people are you know some people are nonfiction people. Yeah. Anyways, I'll never get a son. I'll never get a son. I like... You got to get him.

I got to get him. Despite my interest in seed. Can I ask you this? Yes. You know, whether we're a seed, a nut, whatever we may be ultimately, wouldn't you agree that at the end of the day we're all storytellers? No. I don't – no. No.

Seeds. No. Nuts. Advertising guys. No. No. Hardware guys. We're all just storytellers we're telling stories through the medium of storytelling gathered around a fire you know like a caveman cave person cave

woman no whether you're a preschool teacher or a bus driver i don't agree to this. Even if you're in an airplane. I don't know. Was Wonder Woman's airplane, was that made out of her? Who turned into an airplane? Maybe the Wonder Twins. Is there a superhero who turns into an airplane? There's a Transformer.

Starscream? Are you thinking of Starscream? I don't know. I'm kind of picturing an airplane and his head, his little smiley face, the nose. You know what I'm talking about? He's got a little funny nose on the nose cone of the airplane. Anyway, if you're one of those, the point is that you're a storyteller.

You know the, I mean, we talked, I mean, yeah. So there are great storytellers out there. It doesn't matter whether you're Glenn Washington or Dan Kennedy. You're a storyteller. At the end of the day, you're David Sedaris. You're What's-Her-Face, who played Pat on Saturday Night Live. She seems like a cool lady. You're a storyteller.

You know what game has great lore is 2008's Winnie the Pooh's Home Run Derby. He got a game. He got run derby he got a game he got a game got a game we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorn america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love

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love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love especially the ones who support Jordan, Jesse go, because you are the ones who keep our lights on. And we thank all of you.

And now a word from our sponsor, better help. Now, Jordan, we're big therapy advocates here at Jordan, Jesse go. We love it. We lube it.

And of course we lorbit. We lorbit. Sometimes I lunch it. Sure. We orbits. Yes. This lorbit. Sometimes I lunch it. Sure. We orbit this soda with little balls floating in it. That's a great lunch. Yeah. It's food and drink in one.

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So you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to. It can be much more affordable than in-person therapy, and you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours. It can be tough to get a therapy referral, especially with everyone on earth being deeply distressed right now. Right. And BetterHelp is a good way to dip your toes in a convenient fashion. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash JJGo. That's BetterHelp.com slash JJGo. We're also supported this week by the folks at Magic Spoon. Yeah, they have changed the game with sugary cereals. They spent time to perfect the crunchy texture

and develop an astounding variety of flavors so that they always hit the spot, but without all those carbs and sugar. Jordan, I know that you always hit the spot. I have a hard time always hitting the spot. Right. But with the help of Magic Spoon, I do it every time. Wow. Yeah, it's true. Do you think it's the zero grams of sugar, 13 to 14 grams of protein, and only four to five net grams of carbs in each serving? Well, I mean, I'm legally prohibited from making further, more specific claims about Magic Spoon, but I'll just say that my experience has been extraordinary.

Probably has something to do with the fact that it's low-carb, gluten-free, grain-free, soy-free, and only 140 calories a serving. I'll tell you, it really sticks to your ribs, Jordan, if you know what I'm talking about. I don't, and frankly, I don't want to know. Go to magicspoon.com slash jjgo to grab a custom bundle of cereal and try the magic for yourself.

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The people over there at Hitachi. All right. Remember, get your next delicious... It always hits the spot, Jordan. Remember, get your next delicious bowl of cereal at magicspoon.com slash JJGO and use the code JJGO to save $5 off. Thank you, Magic Spoon, for sponsoring this episode.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse go. It's Jordan, Jesse go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart, Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Bridger Weininger, The Tornado. Bridger, your show is all about, well, it's all about talking to people. Getting down to the real, the brass tacks. Having a human conversation. Intimate moments. Your show's about Emma Thompson, basically. It's about the time that you talk to Emma Thompson. Every normal human being's fucking dream. Just one time to get to talk to Emma Thompson. Basically, it's about the time that you talk to Emma Thompson. Every normal human being's fucking dream. Just one time to get to talk to Emma Thompson. But Bridger, are you uncomfortable? Are you an uncomfortable gift receiver in real life?

I don't know. I mean, are you guys comfortable getting gifts? For me, it is not a thing that it doesn't seem like a normal human thing to feel comfortable receiving an item. I don't know. From somebody else who has gone out of their way. I mean, I love getting something, but there's like I'm always uncomfortable initially. I never know how to handle myself. I'm good at saying thank you. But then I'm just, I feel like I've put the other person out. I think it's when you get the gift, just to like,

hey, I was thinking about you gift on like not your birthday or, you know, a winter holiday. Just like, hey, I saw this at the Rite Aid and I thought of you that's when i want to say to the person get the fuck out of here yeah you were not you're lying i'm not good jordan should i stop bringing you those chocolate covered cherries i buy at the right age for you jesse like i said buy the

chocolate chip covered cherries and just give me that big receipt baby just draping around my shoulders like a boa and i'll play right movie star so sick of paying full price at the car wash god damn it i'm willing to go tuesday and thursday mornings yeah sure what are you up to you don't have any fucking sons tell you that much right now jordan rub it in i love i don't have a son i love to give a gift jordan gives me a very thoughtful gift we don't invariably exchange gifts for birthdays and Christmas and stuff, but often in Jordan, we'll give me a gift certificate to a local comic book store, which is a great gift. I can take my kids there. They can pick out a comic book. I pick out a comic book. By the time we get out of there, the gift certificate is at negative $84.

Because I go into the comic book store. I want to buy all those. I'll be like, well, tell me one kind of comic book for sophisticated regular comic book people, like a saga or something like that. And then I'll be like, and I'll take all of these drawn in quarterly comic books, which are the least sad ones. And, uh, we'll get out of it. And that's great. Um, but I'm in a relationship where I love to give gifts and my wife grew up Catholic. I just love stuff. I mean, I love picking out stuff at the flea market. I'm at the flea market picking out antiques. Love it.

And I think my wife finds any gift to be a serious emotional burden, like a significant emotional burden. How do you navigate that? I wish I could give her the gift of doing things for others. Not me doing things for others. Her, like if I could give her, like if I could trip and fall. And right before that, I gave her one of those cartoon ice packs. You know, like with the knob and the polka dots. Something like that.

I think that would be what would make my wife happiest right if you were able to just open a bunch of charities in her name that she suddenly had to kind of uh run that needed a lot of administrative work right she'd be in hog heaven yeah my mom sends gifts to our children and theresa my wife will and she does it all the time and the thing my mom sends great gifts almost almost universally she's very good at it um but my wife will like open the box get freaked out by the fact that it's a gift and then just leave it half open in the in the foyer uh for months on end because she can't bring herself to like clip the tags off and put the shirts in the washing machine or whatever just overwhelmed by having gotten too much gift

bridger what's the best thing you've gotten as a gift on your show um the thing that i truly use the most often i get a lot of things that are deeply impractical and that are now just crowding my home uh but uh the comedy writer john millstein gave me a car garbage can which has truly changed everything for me i mean it seems like it would take up a lot of space in your driveway. Well, of course. I mean, it's the size of like a Buick. And I mean, how many cars are you going to throw away realistically? I'll throw away as many as I want.

Yeah, that's true. As I said, I've got deep pockets and I've got to spend the money somewhere. So why not just dump cars in my car garbage can? Plus, I mean, every year you're at the car show getting something new. Right, looking for new cars to throw away. Yeah. Just kind of sauntering through. I could dump that.

I could dump that. Does the car garbage can attach to a window or does it have a base like a commuter mug? It's like around the passenger seat headrest. So it like is kind of in the back of the car. Oh, I've seen those. Those do seem like they would be useful. I mean, they really, when he gave it to me, I thought, oh, I'll use this probably once. And now it's constantly just full of receipts, straw papers,

and the rest of the car is sparkling. Think of all the Wingstop honey mustard packets I could fit back there. Right. I'm telling you. You'll love it. And what's nice about the Wingstop honey mustard packets is your ability to store them in that car garbage can gives them a chance to really honey mustard up the joint, if you know what I mean. Like if you have to take them out each time, you know, they're not going to – the stank won't permeate, which is what you want from a honey mustard packet. Oh, yeah. Brian, you got some telephone calls for us, some momentous occasions that people have called in with. Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. Hi, guest.

This phone number's been saved in my phone for at least 10 years, but this is the first time I felt like I had a momentous enough occasion to call in. So my name is Joanna. I was having some, like, alone time, pleasure time today. And I started to think about what if all the people I care about die? And then I started sobbing. So my momentous occasion is that today I had my first orgasm while heavily sobbing. So, yeah, felt appropriate for Jordan Jesse Go.

Have a great week. Thanks for all the fun. Le Grand Mort is what the French call it. Ah, yes. The little sad. When everyone dies. What if, isn't in the Avengers movies, don't half the people die or something?

Yeah, I mean, that's been a plot point in the comics and the movies. You're probably talking about the snap. Thanos snapping away half of all existence. And they never come back. What if, and this is going to be a little vulgar, Bridger. I apologize. I know you're a virgin i'm a proud virgin uh despite a lot of temptation of those car shows

i mean bridger if i know anything about you it's that you're into bikini babes who isn't that was a yowza um but let's say yeah that uh who's the from avengers that's mr mitzopitilic depending on where this is going sure yeah so so he snaps his fingers and half the people disappear to their death, right? And one of the people that disappears, you're fucking. But you're past the point of no return. Right. So as you climax, they've disappeared and your ejaculate just goes into the air where your lover once was. And you just have to deal with that. You just have to fucking deal with it.

Yeah. And I guess before there's a period before you see like the news report or whatever, where you think you did it. Yeah, exactly. You're the mightiness of your thrust. God, that would be brutal. Because there you are, and you want to just lay back in bed and light a cigarette. I mean, I think you guys know what I'm talking about. Classic post-sex move.

But you're also like, my lover disappeared to their death. Well, they don't go to another realm. I don't know if we ever get an explanation as to where, because, yeah, I mean, obviously, you know, they come back. Everybody comes back. Oh, they do come back. Yeah, based on the heroics of, you know, Captain America. Ant-Man.

Ant-Man. Okay. Widow. And do they reappear where they disappeared? Well, I think you do. I think you do reappear right where you disappeared. So, yeah. So, in Jesse's scenario, that's a strange, confusing mess.

Yeah. Yeah. Because they reappear right on top of that semen. Right. Right. Or I guess you wake up confused. Why aren't I covered in cum? Yeah.

Here's my question. So they go to this alternate realm. I don't know that. Yeah. No, I think they go to an alternate realm where Mr. Mitsopitalik lives. And he's like a bad guy with a little hat. It's hard to explain. But what if you're just walking around the house, all you're wearing is socks.

All of a sudden you're in Mr. Mitzopitalik's realm. Right. Everybody else is wearing clothes and there's no clothes store there. You're just in this horrible purgatory indefinitely until Ant-Man does his thing, getting really small. Yep. And so you're the only guy there in your area who's just wearing socks. So I think here's the thing you need to know about Mr. Mr.

Piddalick's realm. Yeah. Anything goes, baby. Okay. All right. Anything goes. I knew this.

You want to stride around in socks? Fucking do it. He's not uptight. You want to walk around on all fours and bark like a little doggy? You can do it whatever gets you hard baby that's the only rule everybody's hard all the time or other yeah uh i think i i always figured jordan but too small of hat was Mr. Mitzopitlick's fetish, and you've just confirmed it. Anything goes, man.

Yeah. He's like he can't get off unless the hat doesn't go around his head. It just goes on top of his head. It's a little thing called sproing core. Yeah. That's why he's the only guy who can kill Superman. Yeah. Brian, we got another call in there hey jordan jesse and guest i am calling for your famous segment uh

cocktails woo uh today at work i'm a metal worker and i usually do commercial work, but I was called to do an estimate at someone's home, the wealthier couple. When I arrived, there were some couple contractors and then the husband and wife who owned the property. And yeah, so while I'm there, the woman who owns the home starts hitting on me very hard. And this isn't something that happens to me incredibly often. So I was like, this is somewhat cool, but very weird. There's a lot of people around, including her husband.

It continued on for way too long to the point where her husband eventually kind of stormed off to the point where her husband eventually kind of stormed off as she kept complimenting me and giving me what you might call fuck-me eyes. And it was really actually quite uncomfortable in the moment. It's only funny now after the fact. But, yeah, this kept going until people kind of dispersed. And then as I was about to leave and her husband had stormed off, she told me her husband's working hours and when I could come back to have a swim in the pool with her. So, yeah, I think I was just propositioned to cuck this man. So pretty interesting day for me. just propositions to cuck this man. So,

pretty interesting day for me. Anyway, that's all, folks. He was fucking Porky Pig the whole time! He was. He was Porky the whole time. Holy cow! I was talking to, I was at the

offices of our buddies Rhett and Link the other day doing some bits for their great YouTube show I was talking to one of their writers Megan Malone she is preparing a comedic piece on

the like most popular fetishes, and she had the top ten that she read off, where would you think cuck stuff would fall? Just based on your knowledge of the practice. I'm going to say four jesse this is tough um i mean feet's gotta be up there right there's no wiki i don't remember i don't remember all of the entries but cuck stuff was seven of all of all fetishes doesn't that seem high

i don't know it depends if you split up cuck and hot wife oh yeah i don't know if this includes all cuck sub variants and i don't want to seem like i'm passing judgment on nasty little cucks i mean again i'm a mr mitsapitalik whatever whatever floats your boat man what about cuck queens that's reverse cucks where the lady wants to get cucked oh boy yeah so i mean i don't, I don't know. I don't have any observation other than that seems high. I was surprised. It seems like it's only kind of made its way into the culture recently,

but maybe that is part of it. Maybe it is like there's a kind of a recency thing. You know, it's hot. It's like scoopable cookie dough. It's trendy. It's fun. The only problem is... It'll be here for a couple of months and then it'll get replaced by poke or something what if the weather's wrong that's the question you have

to ask about cucking cuckoldry so what if the where is the weather window where it's going to feel right it's either too hot or too cold to cuck i'm a cold cucker myself i gotta blast the air have either of you guys ever been propositioned or near propositioned in a pornography like context uh such as delivering a pizza or you know what i mean like no there's a sailor on leave. I have never had one of the porn scenario jobs before. Yeah, that's a good point. You've never done metal work, residential metal work? You've done a little residential woodwork, if you know what I mean. I was a stepmom for a brief period. And I was always coming home at weird times.

Yeah. What about you bridger have you ever been in a pornography like romantic context i've never been in one uh well it's hard to say because i feel like if i were in one it would probably go right over my head i feel like i would be completely oblivious to the like the beginning of the porn situation. So for all we know, and again, going back to my virginity, it's hard to say, and hopefully I will when I find the right person and we, under the eye of God, seal our marriage,

can find myself in that pornographic situation. But a lot of things have to fall in place before that happens i went a few months ago uh to the dynasty typewriter theater down there by max fun hq to see our friend guy branham do stand-up comedy guy one of the funniest funniest guys in the world uh one of the funniest men in the world let's say so we're avoiding the pun and uh a guy you know he's a comedian but also at the end of the day a storyteller right and he told a story about being in i believe it was San Diego, at a gay porn party. It's like a party for people who are friends from the world of gay porn.

You know, like work buddies, you know. And as he told this story, it just sounded so extraordinary. I was like, I feel like as gross as i think boys are i feel like i'd do some cocaine there and you know have maybe not full penetration but like do some sex acts just because you'd be you're there it's it's wild what an amazing thing to get to see sure it's like be a part of it's like going to the state fair and getting the fried twinkie yes the sense of pornography in the air exactly guys sorry i'm having a little bit of trouble concentrating here i got i still have kind of my browser window open

from one of the other conversations we were having we had to google some stuff i'm just going down this list of winnie the pooh games yeah 20 2001 uh you got part-time with winnie the pooh 2002 uh we got playhouse disney's the of Pooh A Story Without a Tale 1989 Winnie the Pooh meets Leisure Suit Larry Oh no You can't spell poon Without poo That's the one I played

This one is called Tigger Turns a Marine I don't I don't understand What is Winnie the Pooh up to i guess he's been i've been in more games than we thought piglet is just in the background of all these fretting worried as hell just what's going on oh gloomy oldie or oh i can't get hard. Okay.

206-9844-FUN is our telephone number. JJGO at MaximumFun.org is our email address. And you can put that phone number in your phone for a decade, or you can just send us a voice memo via email, JJGO at MaximumFun.org. We'll talk to you in just a minute on Jordan, Jesse, go. Hi, my name is Graham Clark, and I'm one half of the podcast, Stop Podcasting Yourself, a show that we've recorded for many, many years. And at the moment, instead of being in person, that we've recorded for many, many years. And at the moment, instead of being in person,

we're recording remotely. And you wouldn't even notice. You don't even notice the lag. That's right, Graham. And the great thing about this... Go ahead. No, you go ahead. Okay, and... Okay, go ahead.

And you can listen to us every every week on maximumfun.org or wherever you get your podcasts your podcasts hi it's me dave hill from before here to tell you about my brand new show on Maximum Fun, The Dave Hill Good Time Hour, which combines my old Maximum Fun show, Dave Hill's podcasting incident, with my old radio show, The Goddamn Dave Hill Show, into one new futuristic program from the future.

If you like delightful conversation with incredible guests, technical difficulties, and actual phone calls from real-life listeners, you've just hit a street called easy. I'm also joined by my incredible co-host, the boy criminal Chris Gersbeck. Say hi, Chris. Hey, Dave. It's really great to... That's enough, Chris.

And New Jersey chicken rancher, Des. Say hi, Des. Hey, Dave. The Dave Hill Good Time Hour. Brand new episodes every Friday on Maximum Fun. Plus, the show's not even an hour. It's 90 minutes. Take that, stupid rules. We nailed it.

It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Moore's boy detective. I'm Bridger Weininger, the tornado. Never has there been a more resigned tornado. Well, I guess it's twisting again today. I've taken a look at my calendar. I'll be flinging cows.

Time to get chased by Bill Paxton. Time to throw a house on a witch again that's how that went right yes uh bridger your podcast i said no gifts it's very funny we mentioned emma thompson has been on uh you had you had will arnett on Buddy River Butcher just a murderer's row of guests I have my own fucking NPR show I've never talked to Emma Thompson that's the whole reason you get and it took me decades

to get an NPR show specifically so I could talk to Emma Thompson you have been essentially hunting her oh my god I've never even talked to glenn close bridger what was gotta get a son was there a was there a story behind getting her because she definitely doesn't seem like somebody who like does the podcast circuit yeah it was very i mean we started the podcast march 12th of 2020 and we had recorded 16 episodes we had banked them and so for the

first 16 we didn't talk about the pandemic or anything that was happening which was probably i don't know if it was good or bad for the podcast but whatever but she and her daughter started listening to it in quarantine oh interesting and they had listened to uh an episode with the very funny comedian janelle james and uh for whatever reason decided to reach out to the two of us just because they had enjoyed it and uh her daughter emailed me and she's like we're loving the show and if your mom if you uh you'd ever want my mom on the show she'd be happy to do it it's like well the fact i mean what do i even say to that of course uh and so i uh they set it up and then she was on the show it was very odd i mean she's so sweet and such a normal

i mean to me she's like kind of i mean she's one of the last she's like tom hanks level or whatever where everybody knows who that is and everybody they've never really crossed any like everything she's done people have enjoyed and so she's kind of this untarnished person and uh i was obviously especially 16 episodes in or whatever happy to have one of the most famous people in the world on the podcast. I feel like I made a big mistake, Bridget, now that you talk about this. I got an email from Emma Thompson's daughter. She said she had really enjoyed my interview with sports writer Howard Bryant about his biography of Ricky Henderson. We all loved that.

And that so had her mom, and her mom would be glad to come on my show. And I said I was holding out for Olivia Colman. And in retrospect, that's a mistake. I just, I was a big Peep Show fan. You know, I felt like I knew her when. Yeah, so I shouldn't have sent that to Emma Thompson's daughter. Another opportunity is going to come along. God, I hope so.

I got to get a close, you know, bare minimum. I got to get a close. Reach out to Glenn. I'll send Glenn. You know what? I'll to get a close. You know, bare minimum, I got to get a close. Reach out to Glenn. I'll send Glenn. You know what? I'll send Glenn a note. I've been sitting on her email address for too long. I'm going to send Glenn a close and note.

You know what? I'm going to call her. Send a handwritten note. I'm going to call her a handwritten note. Okay. Hey, you. You're a handwritten note. Hey, you. to note okay yeah hey you you're a hand-to-note hey you bridger who is your most exciting guest on the program not by virtue of their famousness who were who were you thrilled with or who were

you thrilled to get uh for reasons other than that they are one of the great world treasures uh so just fame aside anything just somebody who i was excited to talk about to talk to yeah i'll give you an example we've had lisa lobe on this program now lisa is brilliantly talented she's quite famous she might not be the most famous person that's ever been on this show but she's the only one that i have had a crush on since i was 13 so what it could doesn't have to be that you had a crush on them since you first saw the video for stay parentheses i missed you um and it like completely imprinted on your sexuality and then you grew up and you've you met her and you're like this is a really cool lady she's really fun and really funny. It doesn't have to be that. But what was the thrilling one for you?

That's an excellent question. I will say the comedian Cola Scola, it's a friend, but somebody who I just, you know, like within comedy, there are a lot of people to be jealous of. Somebody who I just, you know, like within comedy, there are a lot of people to be jealous of. And Cole is someone that I can't be jealous of because I feel like their talent level and their, I think they're just unbelievably funny. So I was thrilled to have them on. TV show. I think I probably sent enough emails to Julie Klausner about how funny Cola Scola is that Julie Klausner was mad at me that I wasn't emailing her about how funny she is. She's obviously brilliantly funny. But Cola Scola was so fucking hilarious on that show, I couldn't believe it was real. Right. Cola is just like operating on a level where you can't be jealous of them because it's just like, well, that's just superhuman talent that's just goes so far beyond what I could ever imagine doing.

So anytime I get to talk to them, I just have a fantastic time. expensive gift i've gotten on the show or the most gratuitous which is this beautiful waffle maker from william sonoma which is just deeply unnecessary and that was part of the reason that they gave me the waffle maker but uh i think to this day probably still the nicest i mean it's like i'm never gonna get married and it felt like a wedding gift a beautiful wedding gift you're welcome that's like when i love a waffle me wedding gift. You a waffle guy? Yeah, that's like when... I love a waffle. Me too. Yeah. I think a waffle is better than a pancake.

I'm just going to say it. I'll take a waffle over a pancake or a French toast. Because it's got more browned parts. Yeah, it's just... You can dress it up the way you want. It's not too sweet to begin with. As big a fan as I am of Cola Scola, which is huge, I'm a similarly big fan of the maillard reaction that's the flavor transformation that takes place when you brown your food

that's why i love waffles it's called the maillard reaction yeah oh this is interesting is it named after somebody yeah Yeah, Cola Scola. Of course. Because they're so fucking funny. Make those little videos. Jesus Christ. Would John Waffle have been a funny answer to that? Sure.

I mean, John Waffle is a funny answer to almost anything. Sure. It's fun to say John Waffle. Well, Bridger, it's been a joy to have you on the program. We're so thankful to you. Thanks for making the time. I've had such a terrific time. Thank you for having me.

Bridger Weininger, I said no gifts to podcast. No relation to former Major League Baseball manager Butch Weininger or siblings or is there a Butch Weininger? there is 100% a Butch Weininger wow I've never heard the Weininger name outside of Utah

well here you go look up Butch you're going to have a lot of fun with that you're not going to have any fun with that unremarkable our theme music is Love You by the A lot of fun with that. You're not going to have any fun with that. Unremarkable. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Did I tell you, Jordan, that I met the Light in the Attic Records guy? You did.

Swamp Dog's birthday party. There you go. Thanks, Light in the Attic Records. We appreciate you letting us use this song. And The Free Design signed off on it too. So our thanks to the free design as well. Our producer, Brian Sonny D Fernandez.

We've got a Val on the live stream there and we're on social media, maximum fund. I read it. Dot com at Jordan underscore Morris and at Jesse Thorne on Twitter at Jordan Jordan David Morris and at put.this.on on Instagram. We're on Facebook at facebook.com slash JordanJesseGo. Jordan, you'll put up a Facebook post. Let's say a friend of the show has a new cool thing going on. What are you going to do with that?

Throw it up there on the Facebook page. There you go. So don't miss that, facebook.com slash Jordan Jesse Go we'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jesse Go I'll hug you and kiss you and love you love you love you love you

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