Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 75: Full Blown AIDS

Episode Date: October 7, 2008

Jesse and Jordan are joined by comedian and actress Tig Notaro, potentially name a baby, and Jesse gets broken down. 

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, Go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, pretty, lovely, Jesse, go.

We name someone's future child, or at least 50% of someone's future child, or a 50% chance that we name 100% of their future child. Anyway, we give it a name. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Let's go! where she plays Officer Tig. You might also know her as a delightful stand-up comic, Tig. Welcome to Jordan, Jessie, go.

Thanks for having me. Oh, it's such a pleasure to have you. I'm checking my cell phone. Okay, good. Could you just continue to do just other stuff throughout the program? Tig and I are texting about your outfit. And we're in just a plain white t-shirt. That's what we're texting about.

We can't believe it. Honestly, I don't know that you and I look any better. I say, I think we do. Really? Yeah. We're dressed like 16-year-olds. Sure. That's fine.

That's a good point. You guys are dressed like 16-year-olds. Now, I am dressed like a 16-year-old juvenile delinquent at 1958. Yeah. Their jeans are a little too baggy for that, though. Oh, okay. Sorry. I didn't mean to be.

I actually think they were kind of tight. Well, I mean, relative to a juvenile delinquent in the 1950s. I don't feel like I get along with you two. Do you want to just go? I mean, you don't have to stay here. I mean, you already made your appearance. I mean, that's really more than we deserve. Yeah, I mean, we'll just let Comedy Central know that you came in, you scheduled this yourself, you promoted the Sarah Silverman program.

While a horn was going off in the background. While a horn was going off in the background. That's what they're looking for. We actually, that's our emergency horn when a show isn't going well. It goes off when the guest isn't enjoying the background. That's what they're looking for. That's our emergency horn when a show isn't going well. It goes off when the guest isn't enjoying themselves. We're right in the middle of an emergency. Exactly.

You didn't see my hand slipping underneath the table to press the red button. We do that in case a guest is failing or bank robbers. If there's bank robbers, we'll also do that. The police come either way. Or if your guest is or bank robbers. If there's bank robbers, we'll also do that. The police come either way.

Or if your guest is a bank robber. Yeah. You should definitely sound the alarm. We had the Hamburglar on once and we didn't know what to do, honestly.

Yeah, we weren't sure because he doesn't really rob banks, only hamburgers. McDonald's, he robs McDonald's to get hamburgers. You don't have to tell me.

I'm familiar with the guy. Does he eat the hamburgers? No, he... Does he hoard them? No, he ships them overseas. Oh, he's in the import-export business. Why don't we call McDonald's and ask him what the Hamburglar does with the hamburgers? Just call some...

Isn't he a hamburger? No, that's Mayor McCheese you're thinking of. Oh, wait, what's the's the hamburger what does he look like he's just a man he's just a man yeah well in my opinion he's much more than a man he's an american hero that's for him to be like i'm just a man yeah i mean i think he probably thinks of himself as the nichian superman i think I think, no, I'm not mistaken. Tig is saying that he should place his, that gender is not a binary, Jordan. We learned that at UC Santa Cruz.

Jordan, gender is not a binary. It's a continuum. And he should be allowed to identify himself along that continuum. And in his case. I wasn't saying that at all. Now, to be clear, what you were saying is That his continuum Rather than having two points Male and female identity

Stop it Has a third point No that's not Hamburger Would you sound the emergency alarm again? Would someone please Sound the emergency alarm? Okay well anyway

We have a great show planned We're going to name some more stuff I don't know if you've heard about this Tig But on Jordan Jesse Go recently We've declared that we would like more stuff. I don't know if you've heard about this, Tig, but on Jordan Jesse Go recently, we've declared that we would like to name things. I don't follow this show. It's fine. No, it's fine. I mean, you're going to leave anyway, I hope.

But we're going to name some stuff. We've got some very minor momentous occasions coming up. Just not a lot of momentous stuff happening this week. You know what I mean, Jordan? Your voice really went up high. You've got to have a big dynamic range.

You have to have a tonal range and a dynamic range. If you want to be a compelling broadcaster, that's the key is raising it up and bringing it down. So are you saying I have a future? Absolutely. Well, try bringing it up and taking it down. I'm bringing it up. That's great. No, you know it is not great, Jordan,

because you also have to... Bring it down. That's great. We have some on-air spots we have to read for the local aluminum siding place. If you would read those. If you could do those, we'd just have you do those live for aluminum siding. I know you've always hated paint because you have to repaint every couple years.

Yeah. Because it can be a tremendous expense. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, there's a i mean overall it was good i mean overall i feel like it really went well okay so b plus here's the thing you're the range you're using is really excellent um your timing now i know you're a comedian and for comedians timing is everything your timing probably could have been better because Jordan was still talking when you... Well, when I feel like talking, I do. Okay.

Let's get back to the show. Can we just do regular stuff? Okay. Okay. I'm back. We're back. I'm back. Jordan, did you know this?

I don't know if you knew this about me. You know a lot of stuff about me. We've been friends for a long time. Tig, we only just met at the Bumbershoot Comedy Festival, so you don't know a lot about me. Here's something I bet neither of you knew about me. She knows how much dope you can smoke. Now that you guys hung out at Bumbershoot, right?

I smoke dope. Remember that dube, how fat that dube was? No. That we puffed? I actually didn't hang out with him. He just had me on his show, and then I ran into him at the airport. Yeah, well, we were on the same plane flight. Man, you guys were baked on the airplane?

That is wild. So I was high in more ways than one, so I was on an airplane. Did you guys maybe at least eat at the California Pizza Kitchen ASAP? No. You guys don't sound very close at all. No, we're like best friends. She's my second best friend. You're my first best friend, Jordan.

Thanks. I'm a certified outdoorsman. Yeah? I have a buck knife. In fact, it's here on my desk. Check out my buck knife. Are you threatening us? You have it indoors on a desk.

Yeah. But let's just say I got attacked by a cougar. I thought you just said, let's say I got a text by a cougar. No, no, no, no, no. I'm a married man. I would never flirt over text with an animal. I was picturing an animal texting you.

Yeah, they can't text. They certainly wouldn't text me because I'm spoken for. That's what I'm saying. Well, then this was

a waste of time for me to come down here. I don't know what's going on with Tig, Jordan. First, she's interrupting you. Now she wants to leave

when I just introduced a ripe topic, which is the fact that I'm an outdoorsman and I have a buck knife. Jesse, come on. Ladies don't come on podcasts to promote their careers

or have a good time. They come to meet a rich husband. Yeah. And you just crushed her dreams when you talked about how devoted you are

to your stupid wife. And my buck knife. Yeah, I can understand that. But let's just say... Rich podcasters. Let us perchance suppose that a cougar, the animal, were to attack us right now. Who would be best

prepared? And that's my motto I just invented. Always be prepared. I bet your dog would handle this situation. Yeah, I think Coco is probably the most well-equipped because of her instincts. Okay, second most, second best prepared. Now remember, I've got a buck knife.

I would throw your dog. I would throw your dog at the cougar. Right. So I'm next prepared. Okay, second. I'm hiding too. So, me third. Yeah, you're going to be screwed.

But I'm reasonably, I mean, I'm well prepared compared to if I didn't have a buck knife. I wasn't an outdoorsman. I imagine you're more of a danger to yourself with the buck knife. You think I just cut myself? Yeah, I think so. You cut off a finger when you're trying to close it. Put it back in there. Are you a cutter?

Not anymore, but it was really a long journey for me. We don't talk about that a lot on the show, though. About your cutting days or cutters in general? No, my cutting days. It's kind of a personal thing. I'd rather focus on public stuff like my skills in outdoorsmen, what different kind of knives I have. Now to kind of fill that void, he'll just brush his teeth

and drink a big glass of orange juice. That's kind of what he's into now. That's how I punish myself. But it's safer. It's as bad, but it's safer. It's actually extra. It helps me not get sick because of the vitamin C. And it prevents scurvy.

That's a plus. You're still out there trying to prevent scurvy, aren't you? Well, I don't see anybody else doing it. Somebody's got to take on that mantle. No, I think it's... Now that the Royal Navy has dropped that ball, somebody's got to scoop in, ride in, and pick it up, or else people's teeth are going to be falling out right and left.

They're going to be going mad and wasting away and dying. Well, I just... Oh, it's not around anymore, so you don't have to worry about that. He's been doing his job. Yeah, congratulations, Jesse. You single-handedly eliminated Scurvy. It's called taking care of business. TCB, Jordan. Okay.

TCBS. Jesse, I'm surprised to hear that you have this new outdoorsy bent. Because I'm surprised to hear that you have this new outdoorsy bent. So I'm an inner-city youth. Well, yeah. We went to UC Santa Cruz, which is

a reasonably outdoorsy place. It's a beautiful kind of hilly scenery. There's a lot of beaches, clubs that focus on outdoorsy things. And you expressed nothing but contempt for it the entire time.

Because usually when most people go clubbing, it's, you know, bubble night, or it's, you know, disco night, something like that. Mostly outdoorsy themes at UC Santa Cruz. Yeah. For the clubs. Why is outdoorsy?

Why is that word so popular popular why can't you just say outdoors because he's under a a tent or a gazebo when you say i'm into outdoorsy things it completely cancels it out you know it cancels it out it takes away the tough guy like because of the popularity of the word because i'm using a word that's too popular outdoorsy no because the y sounds like you sound like a sissy yeah it just sounds like well i am a sissy there's no doubt about that well then maybe you are having outdoorsy times i think sissies can be outdoorsy there's no there's nothing to prevent outdoorsy i picture him think sissies can be outdoorsy. There's nothing to prevent a sissy from... Yeah, I guess when you say outdoorsy, I picture him running around a maypole.

Yeah. Well, that's what I assumed he was doing. Maybe throwing a basket of rose petals up in the air for no reason. The only reason you're picturing that is because of the big box of multicolored ribbons behind me, which are totally unrelated. I'm going to weave them into a... To your outdoorsy business? Yeah, it has nothing to do with my outdoorsy interests. My outdoorsy interests have to do with a little place called Angeles National Forest. Maybe you've heard of it?

Nope. It's a land of many uses. Oh, yeah? Yeah, it says so right on the sign. Did you go there? For example, outdoorsy activities take place there, such as me pitching a tent twice. Wow. I pitched a tent two times.

The first time was a failure. Yeah, why'd you have to pitch it twice? We went, okay, so Teresa and Coco and I drove up to the Angeles National Forest, a beautiful wooded area, I guess northeast of Los Angeles. We went into this campground and we're driving around looking for a camping spot. It's the kind

where you just pick one out and then put $10 in a slot or something. And we see this group of 12-year-olds. You hand $10 to an owl who flies away with it. An outdoorsy owl. It's wearing a

top hat. That's what outdoorsy means to you? Wearing a top hat that's what outdoorsy means to you wearing a top hat jordan i'm i'm just saying i agree with tig and that that adding the the y just kind of makes it sound like a real role a more foppish enterprise than maybe it actually was actually an ie i feel like yeah okay so we're driving around these camp spots. We see this huge group of young people and some older people, but mostly like your 13-year-olds, 14-year-olds, a multi-ethnic group. We think it's a school camping group or something like that.

We're happy to see them. We wave out the door. They wave back to us. We finally go pick out a spot. I put up the tent, which is fantastic work, by the way. It is just delightful to put up a tent. You connect these poles together. It is just great fun. It is fantastic.

Sounds like it. It is, Jordan. I can't even begin to tell you. Just hearing about it is amazing. I can only imagine what doing it was like. Or just seeing it in person. I put together a fire. Do you have photos? Let me grab my person. I put together a fire. Do you have photos?

Let me grab my phone. I took some quick phone shots. No, we don't really want to see him. He doesn't understand humor. Yeah. And I built a fire, put together a fire, gathered some wood first, built a fire. A fire-sy. Do you mean purchased? Do you mean gathered some wood first, built a fire. A firesy. Do you mean purchased? Firesy. Do you mean purchased

some wood? No, I purchased it. If by purchased you mean gathered from the land. I've found dry wood because you can't light a fire with moist wood, Tig. You know this as well as I do. Oh, I do. And some gentlemen came over.

It's just starting to get dark. We're all set up. Some gentlemen? Did they offer you a mint julep? Some outdoorsy gentlemen? Yes, they were outdoorsy gentlemen. Only one of the two guys was wearing a top hat. So you guys are way off base, number one. Number two, they tell us, oh, just so

you guys know, you can't camp here. And we're like, what? What do you mean? And they're like, yeah, we have a special dispensation. Sorry, one of my counselors must have left the gate open, but there's no camping here. So it was this moment of terror because apparently these 12-year-olds have the run of this camping area.

And we're out of luck. And they're like... And you felt terrorized. I did feel terrorized. Well, my top hat certainly fell off my head because I was so shocked. Okay. And,

uh, so we had to go, there was this, it was this moment of crisis, guys. It was a moment of crisis. It's the kind of place where leaders are born. Natural gifted leaders,

uh, Dwight D. Eisenhower, for example, Theodore Roosevelt and the Rough Riders. Sure. Natural gifted leaders, Dwight D. Eisenhower, for example. Theodore Roosevelt and the Rough Riders were born out of a crucible such as this. I see where this is going. You started

crying. No, no, no, no, no, no, Jordan, no. I did not start crying. You finally stopped crying? He took five seconds to stop crying. You guys, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay.

Teresa was ready to go home because it was dark. The sun was just disappearing behind the mountains. And here we were, everything was prepared, but now we were going to have to go to a different campground and start over. But you know what? I was uncowed. I was not afraid, just like Teddy Roosevelt when he invaded Spain with the Rough Riders. I was unafraid to whip.

Ah! I'm allergic to this story. To whip. I whipped out my buck knife, made quick work of disassembling the tent. Sure. He chopped up the tent with a knife. No, he just had my buck knife in case a cougar came or whatever. Stabbed his wife and his dog.

They survived. And we went to another campground. I set it up again. Now I'm a camping genius. I made a new fire with new wood that I gathered using a lantern. I made hot dogs. Made hot dogs? Well, I didn't have an abattoir

there. I wasn't... Well, that's what a real man does. That's what Teddy Roosevelt did. Did he do that? Mm-hmm. Traveled with a mobile abattoir. Mm-hmm. Really? Yeah, so... We're no fools over here. I just thought I could snowball you if I talked fast.

Yeah. You can't just randomly say I made hot dogs. I'm a hot dog maker. You can't have me get up, crack a Don, drive across town from Venice and lie to me about how you make hot dogs. You're a hot dog maker. Number one, Tig. Yes.

You did get up at the crack of dawn, but that was of your own volition. We do not record shortly after the crack of dawn. It's well into the day when we start to record. I woke up at four in the morning. Yeah, well. That's why she's so belligerent today. Did you walk over?

I did not. You just like to get up for the farm report. I was nervous. I was nervous about this interview. Yeah. So anyway, about what a great outdoorsman I am. You just said it. You just got done.

What else is there? I made eggs. Did you kill something? No, I didn't kill anything. Well, story's over then. An outdoorsman doesn't kill anything. You packed up your tent and you headed home. Yeah.

You had a great time. Are you just going to talk about more stuff you cooked? No. Can I ask you guys a question? Yes. You guys are outdoorsy, right? No, not even close. I'm indoors-ish.

I'm indoorsy. When you go camping, once you make your tent and you cook the hot dogs, and then you make s'mores, and then you go in the tent and go to bed. I had a cocoa. I went crazy. Then you go in the tent and you go to bed, and then you wake up the next morning, and you make your eggs and your bacon.

Yeah. Then what do you do? You eat it. No, okay, I did that. Okay. Yeah, but then what? Then you just pack up and go home? That's what I did. I wasn't sure what else you do? You eat it. No, okay, I did that. Okay. Yeah, but then what? Then you just pack up and go home? That's what I did.

I wasn't sure what else to do. Yeah, well, usually like maybe take a hike or... Raft. Or... Bird watch. Bird watch. Bird watching. Listen, I did not suggest that you go do this out in the woods.

You could have cooked the hot dogs at home, looked at some birds out of your window. So what you're saying is that when my wife... You wasted gas. When my wife Teresa said that it was your idea, she was lying? In a time of national crisis. It was just a waste of gas? Yeah. Yeah.

You're not an environmentalist. You got in your car No I am I'm green conscious I have green consciousness Well you sure as hell destroyed some forest wood You pitched two tents Which destroys two piles of dirt And you burned

80 bucks in gas doing it And stabbed your wife And dog You guys are really fucking with my identity right now I thought I knew Who I was I mean I got out there in the woods and dog. You guys are really fucking with my identity right now. I thought I knew who I was. I got out there in the woods in the nature, in the campground area.

Might as well just shoot some wolves from a helicopter there, Palin. Man. I thought I had found... I'm 27 years old. I've spent the last 27 years Just like Just searching for something

I doubt you were searching as an infant I wouldn't say a full 27 years Yeah I would think there were a few years I mean it's been more than More than 20 years I've spent Trying to figure out, like, I know I have these gifts. I have a voice, vocal modulation gift.

I have, you know, so I have these gifts. And I didn't know who I was in the world. I wanted to know who I was, really. Jesse, basically all that you're good at is cutting yourself, and you gave that up. This is a cutter turned outdoorsy. Oh, jeez. An outdoorsy cutter. You drove up into the woods, and you were cutting your arms, weren't you?

That's what happened. And you brought this stuffed squirrel that's wearing a hula dress or whatever. It's not wearing a hula dress. It's wearing a cardigan. Why do you have a stuffed squirrel in a hula skirt?

It's a cardigan. A cardigan, whatever. They're very similar. Very similar. A listener's mom crocheted it for me. A listener's mom? Yeah. Okay.

A listener's. All I'm saying is if you're reaching out to us and saying I'm a cutter and I was cutting, I'm an outdoorsy cutter, then that's fine. But if you want to make up all this other garbage about your outdoorsy escapades... Yeah, you told us that you gave an owl money and it was wearing clothes. That just seems so far-fetched, Jesse. Well, you guys have already admitted

that you're indoorsy, so you don't even know about what owls do in the wild. You've only seen owls in captivity, I bet. I bet you've only seen owls in the zoo where they make them... I've captured owls myself, barehanded. Yeah, you can capture them from a window. You lure them with mice.

I guess... All I can say is this, you guys. For my own sake and for the sake of my family, I just hope that you are breaking me down to build me up. Because if you are breaking me down to leave me that way, then mission accomplished because I'm a broken man. Cool. Great.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. It's Jordan, Jesse, Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy you. It's Jordan, Jesse, Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Tig. Tig, do you want to come up with a nickname? That's kind of an offer we extend to our guests. If you want a nickname, you can come up with one. Because we have nicknames.

We have these nicknames we've chosen. Well, I used to think the Notorious TIG was good, but Margaret Cho years ago took Notorious C.H.O., but mine works better because my last name is Notario. Yeah. Oh. And that means notoriety. Also, you're funny, so that's good.

Yeah, so it also works better. Well, gosh, thanks, guys. Yeah, no problem. Jordan, gosh, thanks, guys. Yeah, no problem. Jordan, sometimes I wonder. Hmm. Now, you've always dressed like a 13-year-old. Sure. There's no doubt about that.

That's been a subject of discussion on the program before. And you've always dated 13-year-olds. Yes, absolutely. Which was really cool when I was 13. Now it's just a little bit of a hassle. It seems like now, more and more, your job requires you to have the lifestyle of a 13-year-old. Yeah.

Now most 13-year-olds, just to be clear, most 13-year-olds don't interview like a Will Ferrell or an Andre 3000. So in that sense, you have a different lifestyle. Most 13-year-olds haven't met and made friends with Frank Stallone. Right. I've done that. Which you have done. Very adult, very adult activities.

But at the same time, like, for example, this weekend, Jordan. Sure. What did you do this weekend? This weekend, I drove down to Orange County. I just had two work-related things in Orange County. One was an autism benefit, and then the other one was a skateboard contest. With autistic people?

Mm-hmm. Awesome. It was a lot of injuries, a lot of deaths. Yeah, because you really need, ultimately the skills of skateboarding are intensely dependent upon empathy. If you don't have empathy, you're nowhere in skateboarding. intensely dependent upon empathy. If you don't have empathy, you're

nowhere in skateboarding. Yeah, so, yeah, definitely my quest to adultify myself a little bit has been severely halted thanks to my job where, you know, my jobs include playing video games and, yeah, yeah, playing video games and going to skateboard things and um yeah and they and they just really encourage my my uh stunted maturation by sending me free video games and then giving me free shorts and t-shirts to wear like now these things that i was buying for myself that I kind of wanted to stop, like, I was, pre this job,

I was thinking, maybe I should stop playing so many video games. Maybe I should start dressing a little more like an adult. Now, like, they're just enablers. They just come to you. Yeah, they just get mailed to me. You don't even have to, at this point, you don't even have to ask for them.

No, uh-uh. You'll just get to work, open up your mailbox, mail cubby, wherever you keep your mail. The mail guy comes. The mailman will roll past with his little cart. He'll be like, uh, vans for

Jordan. Thank you. Here's a professional wrestling themed video game for Jordan. Thank you. Jordan already has every video game machine. And then my boss will come in and say, Hey Jordan, you have to go to a bad religion concert. I'm like, again?

More bad religion concerts? I have to go to so many of them. What's amazing to me is, I'm 27 years old. You're 26 years old, right Jordan? It seems like, as far as I can tell, given that you're programming for a key demo of the 14-year-old boy,

they seem to do the same things now, in 2008, that they were up to in 1994. Well, I... Including go to bad religion concerts. Yeah, yeah. Bad religion is still a thing. I actually went to a bad religion concert last night. This was part of the skateboarding thing

that I was talking about. Just funny bad religion side note. I had actually never seen them live before, which is, I know, kind of unusual because I've definitely seen every other band of that stripe. Sure. No FX. Sure. Specifically, no FX.

I've seen no FX a lot. The Indigo Girls. Yes, the Indigo Girls. That kind of thing. Sure. Ani DiFranco. Tig's finally on our wavelength. Thank you.

Yeah, we're jiving now. They do a funny thing. uh, Ani DiFranco. Tig's finally on our wavelength. Thank you. Yeah. We're jiving now. Um, they do a funny thing. The guy did something that was really corny, which was, uh, he'd talk between songs and then he would, he would introduce the,

the new song. He'd say the name of the next song they were about to play in the sentence. Um, like he would be, it was real, it was something like you think of Neil Diamond would do in concert. Like he'd be like, so guys, you know, when you get out there in the parking lot and you're driving away in your cars, let's hope you don't have no control.

And then they would play no control. He didn't do that exactly, but it was like, you know. But he did that. Do they have a song called no control? They do, yeah. That was a pretty canny impression, though. So it wasn't exactly those words, but it had that tone and vocal quality.

So yeah, that was kind of funny. He did that on several occasions. Each time was just cornier than the last. Were people impressed by it? No, people went nuts because they knew what song he was going to play It was like, you know It's like, oh boy, they need to clean up this

Concert space a little bit I think I stepped on a nail And my foot is infected Everybody breathes heavily Yes, they all hit on their hands It was very cold out there There must be food coloring in the clouds because it looks like we're having some

purple rain. Sure. Oh, wrong band. That's a bad religion, right? Yeah. Tadadada talking in the rain purple rain purple rain

I didn't know that y'all played music on this. It's like half talk, half music. Do you mind being quiet and letting him finish singing? I'm sorry. I'll just give you another example, since we're doing sort of a variety show type of format. Let's say the bad religion guy said um what kind of religion is our band bad and then he would say i'm bad i'm bad really really bad the whole world has aids right now Jesse, you know this is costing us $10,000. Wait, did you just say the whole world has AIDS right now?

Did you just say that? Was that inappropriate to say? No, I just don't. Michael Jackson's been saying it for 20 years now. He's America's favorite popular musician. He's the king of pop. I understand that, but that's some way for me to find out. Honestly, Tig, it doesn't seem like.

Hear me out here. It's a little bit much to find out the whole world has AIDS right now. That would include me and all your listeners. Maybe don't just casually start singing it to us. Yeah, there's a nicer way to break that to us. Definitely. Just, the whole world's got AIDS right now. Tell you who's bad. Tig. It's bad. It's bad. Tig, you's bad. It's bad.

Tig, you claim, number one, let's go to the root of this. We need to go to the root of this. How the whole world got AIDS? No, that is not what the root of this is, Tig. Here's the root of this. The root of this is you say, yes, I understand that Michael Jackson is the king of pop. You seem to feel like it's appropriate for you to take that as read, to assume that we would assume that you know all about Michael Jackson.

But it seems to me, pardon me, but it seems to me like you haven't been listening to one of Michael Jackson's greatest hits over the past 20 years. The whole world got got AIDS right now just till you won't scare AIDS. Yeah, this might be funny to you guys, but it's a little alarming to find out the whole world's got AIDS right now.

It's alarming to me. The whole world's got AIDS right now is what the song says. Maybe we had HIV and could have done something to slow our deaths. Yeah, maybe he could have been a little bit more articulate. Yeah, just a

little clearer. Just in that moment when you're saying the whole world's got AIDS right now. Michael Jackson has sold over 50 million albums worldwide. I don't need Michael Jackson facts, okay? Over 100 million albums worldwide. I just found out I have full-blown AIDS. Okay?

He was in the Jackson 5. You know what I think you should do? We need T-cells. You know what I think you should do, Tink? What? Tito cells. Go on YouTube. Go on YouTube. Type in the Jacksons.

Can you feel it? The AIDS? Can you feel the AIDS tonight? I can now. Wait, can you feel? I thought that's what that tingling in my arm was, but I didn't know what that was. I'm now seeing that it's AIDS.

You guys, I'm so blown away because this is our generation's greatest entertainer. He dances like, he can dance like Fosse. Yeah, and he distracted me for years. Sing like an angel. He had important information about my reproductive health, and he withheld it by mumbling. Exactly.

By being marbly mouthed. And you're just casually slipping it into this conversation. Sorry, I didn't know that you guys couldn't handle this kind of stuff. I assumed you were real fans of the King of Pop. That was my mistake. I'm willing to admit my mistakes. Unlike some people here, I'm comfortable admitting my mistakes. My mistake is I assumed that the two of you

knew about the greatest popular entertainer of the second half of the 20th century. We're just saying he should speak up. If he has important information. No mumbling when it's important. Yeah. Okay.

So when you talk to him again. How about this? How about this, Tig? When you can dance like that, you make criticisms. I can dance like that. You can? Absolutely. Make some criticisms.

Will you do a dance right now? I'll do the song. I would prefer to hear the criticisms. I'm going to take her word on the dancing. Do you remember when we fell in love? We were young

and innocent then. She's good, Jordan. Yeah. Did you see that dance move I just did? It was un-fucking-believable. Yeah. And I'm not even winded.

Here, sing another one. That defied gravity. I can do a triple backflip. Watch. Just sing. Okay. Ready? Go.

I'll count them off. I'm going to count off the flips. Were you counting off the flips or the song? I'm going to count the flips. I don't know what song you're going to sing, though. Do you mind if I stand on this couch just to kind of get my momentum? That's good. No, that's perfect.

I would prefer if you could go ahead on the couch. Okay. Two, three, four. I don't know what you're going to sing. One, two, three. Three and a half. Holy shit.

Wow. That was pretty good. Holy shit. Yep. Wow. Mm-hmm. That's pretty good. Yeah. With AIDS. That counts as four, I think. Mm-hmm. Man. So you saw it here.

No one else did. All this talk about Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney makes me want to go have a hayride. I don't know about you guys. Yeah. That's a good idea. Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney makes me want to go have a hayride. I don't know about you guys. Yeah, that's a good idea. Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney. Who was talking about Paul McCartney? We were just talking about Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney. We were?

I think if you're talking about Michael Jackson, Paul McCartney is implied. Because your backflip was so good, I said it was like you had wings. Oh, ebony and ivory. Basically, no matter what, I'm thinking about The Girl is Mine. We don't even have to be talking about Michaelael jackson the doggone girl is mine speaking of dogs i had a hard time finding my way here i guess i went to where 45 of the people yeah a lot of people because of a little geographic confusion the direction tig was around the corner the directions that i was given uh said that i going to have to do a dog leg.

I've never heard that before, and so I wasn't quite sure how to do a dog leg. It's kind of unnecessarily folksy for someone to say dog leg. I was inspired by the vice presidential debate. With no explanation, not like, oh, this might be a weird word, or maybe let me explain to you what a dog leg is, or let me just tell you to take a left here and then a right here. Right, let me talk like a human being. Yeah, he's just like, hey, swing by, go this way, straight down this street, and then just dog leg.

And when I got to that, I just thought, I'll just park where I think I'm supposed to go. You know what, Tig? I'm sorry. I've made another mistake, and I'm supposed to go. You know what, Tig? I'm sorry. I've made another mistake, and I'm going to apologize for it. That is okay. I assumed that you had good core American values. It turns out you're part of the Hollywood liberal elite.

And I guess that was a mistake on my part. Believe me. I'm very conservative. Very conservative. It sure doesn't seem like it to me. You seem like a coastal elite to me. You might as well be Seymour Hersh, as far as I'm concerned.

You might as well be... That was low. You might as well be... That was low, mister. Jeez, man. Maybe from now on, I think I've got a good nickname for Tig. How about this?

Tig Notaro, and then her nickname is Frank Rich from the New York Times. No, how about Tig? New York Times op-ed writer, Frank Rich. What's a dogleg? Notaro. I've got one. Tig Aids Notaro. Well, they're all pretty good.

I mean, I think we can all agree that they're all pretty good. As long as there's Tig and Notaro, I'll know it's me. As long as there's your name, yeah. Yeah, as long as whatever you throw in the middle is in between my name. Well, the idea is that it captures the spirit of what it means to be you in addition to just identifying. Old dog-like Notaro. Right, so that's good.

Old dog-like. Right. Good. Done. I've never known what catty-corner means. People talk about something meaning catty-cornered or something else. I always think, what the fuck are you talking about? Oh, I know what catty corner means. People talk about something meaning catty corner or something else. I always think, what the fuck are you talking about? Oh, I know what catty corner is.

And you hear that. An idiot would know what catty corner is. At least you hear that. Really? Yeah, I guess I do hear it. I've heard it enough to be annoyed by it. Even Frank Herbert knows what a catty corner is. Yeah, Frank knows.

Yeah. Even Adlai Stevenson probably knows what catty corner means. I remember I was talking to you. Not every Joe Sixpack is saying. Sorry. I guess at the cocktail party you were at last night with Camille Paglia. Shit, I ran out of Northeastern intellectuals. The late Norman Mailer.

I'm waiting to use Harvey Milk. Okay. Gosh. Well, I think what's important here is what we've learned in this segment of the show. We learned about a global crisis that needs action. The two of you did. This podcast. Number two, we learned about who here is an elitist and who here is of the people. You two are elitists. I'm of the did. This podcast. Number two, we learned about who here is an elitist

and who here is of the people. You two are elitists. I'm of the people. And number three, we learned finally once and for all what catty corner means. And we learned that we all have full-blown AIDS. I know that you like to ignore that.

I'd rather you didn't bring that up. That's kind of a big deal. Doesn't seem like a big deal to me. It's been a long time. Okay. Got antiretrovirals now. We're just kind of going, we're doing okay. Magic Johnson has a TGI Fridays. Yeah.

That's all I'm saying. As far as I can tell, things are fine. He has HIV and TGI? Yes. Wow. What can I say? The man is an initials enthusiast. You get HIV, you also get TGIF.

Yeah. That's how it works here in America. Now, in Africa, they're not so lucky. You're lucky to get an Applebee's if you get AIDS in Africa. If you're infected. God. This is horrible. Yeah.

I've had close family friends die from this horrible disease. We're not making judgments about their character, Jesse. Okay, that's true. It's not a character assassination thing. You guys are right. Maybe I should spend a little more time with the New York Times op-ed page. Yeah, why don't you go hang out with A.O. Scott?

Okay, okay. We'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jesse Gow. It's Jordan Jesse Gow. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Tig Dogleg Notaro. What I about tig is that she sets a tone right from the introduction she is setting a tone you know what i mean i am going to be apathetic and mildly

contemptuous of the goings-on is what tig right from her introduction. You know what I mean? That is something that is really a special skill to have. Yeah. Usually what we'd do to kind of do that was just would play breaking the law before we came on. Yeah. But this works way better. This works so much better. And we don't have to pay the huge royalty fees.

God, all of our money. Seriously, all of my money was going to breaking the law. Just Judas Priest. I would have to write a check to judas priest which is a real person yeah that's a person um would you mail it to judas priest yeah i got his address it was hard to find his address um because there's a lot of addresses were for the band judas priest which i think is something different there's a group of guys none none of whom are named Judas Priest. But I used a reverse phone lookup on the internet, 411.com or something like that,

and I typed in Judas Priest, found him. Oddly, he lives in Belize. I don't find that odd. Sorry. I mean, sorry. Sorry. I don't know what I did to get you all apathetic and mildly hostile. I just hope you're not going to bring this apathetic... No, on second thought, I hope you do bring this apathetic and mildly hostile tone to Max FunCon.

I feel like Max FunCon needs a little bit of hostility. Otherwise, everybody's just going to skate on by, you know what I mean? Hey, I don't want to rain on the parade that's MaxFunCon, but I was actually having a conversation with a friend about MaxFunCon. And she was talking about why she didn't buy a ticket for MaxFunCon. Because it sold out. Well, why she didn't before it sold out. Because she didn't have time because it sold out so quickly.

Here's the thing, and I think it's a valid point. You know, it's in, you know, not a year, but close to a year. It's in June. Which makes it even more amazing that it sold out. That tells you the drawing power of, say,

a Tig Notaro. How do you anticipate what you're going to be into a year down the line? Like, for instance, last year I might have bought a ticket to Kings of Leon Con. But if it was just coming up now, I'd be like, I don't want to go. Whereas, like, last year I would have

bought a ticket to Madden 2003 Con, but now, if it was right now, we'd be Madden 2006 Con. Right. You're not into the Kings of Leon? No, I don't like them anymore. You don't? No, con. Right. You're not into the Kings of Leon? No, I don't like them anymore. You don't? No, they're fine.

I just got a little tired of it. He was really into them. What about this? Teresa might have bought a ticket to the newer Band of Horses CD con six months ago, but now she would buy a ticket to the Band of Horses CD before the newer one, Con. She went back and got that. So your friend did not want to buy a ticket to Max Fun Con because she thought she might not be into Maria, me, Chris Hardwick, and Jimmy Pardo by that time.

To be fair, she wasn't into any of that stuff now. She was really coming to see Merlin Mann Yeah, she just needed to get organized She wasn't sure if she was going to be into life hacking But yeah, I mean, you know She might not be into Max Fun, Maximum Fun next year She might need to moderate her fun You can't go all out all the time

You can't anticipate what you're going to be into. Well, you know what? Tastes are fickle. I've anticipated something, Jordan. I anticipate that she's not going to get in because the shit's sold out. Yeah, it's probably just sour grapes. There is a wait list. If people want to get on the wait list, wait list at maxfuncon.com.

But at this point, there might be too many people on the wait list. I don't know if I can get more people in. I might be able to. Oh, yeah? Tig's got a wristband. If anyone wants to contact me directly, I can sneak you in the back door. Here's what you do. You meet Tig at the service entrance.

She pulls off her wristband. You tape it on. Jordan, you don't know how this works. You lick the wristband and then rub your wrists together. You're both wrong. You're both wrong. You're both wrong. How do you do it? I'm not telling you, but guys, just call me directly.

I will get you in the back door. Thanks, I have a buddy I need to get in. Have him call me directly. What are you not understanding here? Have him call me directly. I will get him in the back door. Now, when do you lick the wristbands? There is no wristband licking.

Well, how do you get him to rub off it's something you just you know what have your friends and the people on the waitlist contact me directly and they're in okay should i lick my wristband now for free for free should i dry it off where are they gonna stay just have them contact me okay directly Jordan, this is a stupid question. There's a hot tub. All right. They're going to stay in a hot tub. Sure.

Okay, let's do some momentous occasions. I'm only playing two momentous occasions this week. I think the theme of our momentous occasions is maybe intolerance confounded. How about that? Okay. Hey, Jordan, Jesse. How about that? Okay. Hey, Jordan Jesse.

I was just out riding my bike, and I saw this lady in full Muslim regalia, you know, burqa, giant black robe, face net thing. And she was out running her dog. She was, like, doing, like, 12 miles an hour with her giant golden retriever. It was great. All right. Love the show. Bye. It sounds like he saw this and just booked it for the nearest phone booth.

Like, he doesn't ever sound so... Yeah, he was out of breath. He's like, and she had the face mask thing. Oh, my God. Either that or he saw two things. One was he saw Godzilla destroying the city and called that in. And then he was like, oh, and I should call Jordan

Jesse Goh about the other thing I saw. But he was still out of breath from reporting to the radio station that Godzilla was destroying the city. One of the two. But it is ultimately this show's about multiculturalism,

respecting different people of different faiths, creeds, religions. So it's called a FaceNet doodad, not a FaceNet thingy. Well, how do you know what he might have been describing? I'm an observant Muslim woman. Yeah, but she might have actually taken her doodad off and put a thingy on. Well, not if Allah has anything to say about it. Which he does. Okay.

Well, you know what? So I'm wrong. Right. Yeah. I'm glad that you can admit your errors just as I have demonstrated on this program that I can admit my errors. Too bad Jordan still thinks he's got a perfect record. Oh yeah. Hey Jordan, Jason

Goh. I got a momentous occasion here for you. I just walked through a bunch of protesters in front of a movie theater and they were all blind. They were protesting movie blindness, I guess. Yeah, they were all picketing. They're all blind. They were protesting the movie Blindness, I guess. Yeah, they were all picketing. They're all blind.

All right. Bye. Is this momentous because he believes, he's excited that the blind are getting organized and motivated? They're taking political action? I think irony excites him. action i think irony excites him because it's ironic that blind people who by their very definition uh uh are disorganized could get together to make their opinions heard is that what you're saying take that's exactly what i'm saying i don't want to put words in your mouth tig that's not what I'm saying. I don't want to put words in your mouth, Tig. That's not what I'm here to do.

I would love for somebody to put words in my mouth. I think it'd be more fun if you had no idea what you were about to say. Yeah, that would be cool. You just show up to any situation and somebody's, I'm sorry, somebody put words in my mouth. That's how it rolls. You know, you roll, get and show up, roll the dice and see what happens. That's why I'm saying tuna sandwich so much. Somebody's a real tuna enthusiast.

Another tuna sandwich for everyone. Okay. My treat. Let's take some, uh, let's take some, uh, regular telephone calls here.

Those were irregular. Those were momentous occasions. Hi, Jesse. Hi, Jordan. This is Loretta and I'm calling from Texas to say that, yeah, I just find myself more and more not going out and being a social person,

and instead just staying home and listening to Jordan and Jesse go. And I don't know if that's healthy, but it probably is, because you guys are great, and I love your show. Alright, have a great Thursday night. Good night. Bye. That's fine. No, that actually is healthy because of the riboflavin. Yeah, but she doesn't sound healthy.

But that's why it's probably unrelated. Yeah, it's an unrelated. You're not implying that we're making her unhealthy, are you? I don't know what it is, but she sounded like she was about to pass away. You know what she needs? A little bit of orange juice. Let me ask you this question.

Oh, God, up on your fucking orange juice high horse again. Are you having any of these symptoms? Are you pout box? Are you having any looseness in your teeth? Do you find any madness creeping in? The best thing to do is get some orange juice, possibly you could also suck on a lime.

I'm just trying to keep people healthy here, Jordan. Scurvy is a very dangerous disease. Oh, also, have you been out to sea for more than a year? Are you going round the horn? Or do you just dress like you've been out to sea for more than a year?

Do you have a captain's hat on? Something to ask yourself. If you are wearing a captain's hat, but you are not Larry Graham from Sly and the Family Stone and Graham Central Station, then you may have scurvy. Then you may be a redneck. Oh, yeah. Join a softball a redneck. Oh, yeah. Join a softball league or something. Okay, yeah, join a softball league.

Good advice. You know, we've been talking about presidential candidates. For your benefit, Tig, we've been asking listeners to nominate presidential candidates who are not politicians. And in some cases, listeners have responded by nominating whole presidential tickets who are not politicians. And in some cases, listeners have responded by nominating whole presidential tickets who are not politicians. The key here is that we don't want these people

to have any kind of political experience or skill. No Beltway insiders. We're tired of these insiders who know about the process of crafting laws, who understand policy issues.

What we're looking for more here is... Someone exciting. Somebody just really fun. Add a little sizzle. Something that we can relate to also. Okay, I'll do it. Okay. Take it for president. Hey, Jesse and Jordan. This is John from St. Cloud with another possible idea for presidential candidates. I got this idea after that nice guy came up with the idea for Canada.

I'm thinking, why should we stop that far? One of the biggest issues that's facing America today is border security. What is more secure than our two great mountain ridges? I say vice president and president, Appalachian and Rocky Mountains. And if you're wondering what would advise such a gigantic landmass, I don't know. Maybe some asshole like Raiders owner Al Davis. What?

Because Raiders owner Al Davis is not afraid to sign bad boys. What did you not understand? None of it. What did you not understand? None of it. What did you not understand? Jordan, let me walk you through it here. The man couldn't have been more clear. What could be more secure

than the Rocky and Appalachian Mountains, number one? Number two, who could advise them? Probably some asshole like Al Davis. Somebody, the guy who kept Gene Upshaw and john madden on the same page i don't know what any of these two enormous mountain ranges mountain i feel like you're just being difficult no you're right jordan i understand perfectly that's a great idea

that thing for president why are you reacting to me like i'm the kings of leon right now yeah i'm sorry i'm turning my back on you just like I turn my back on them. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, this is Troy from Hattiesburg, Mississippi. I was calling with a presidential ticket suggestion. I would like to suggest Tracy Morgan,

television's Tracy Morgan, for president, because every woman in the country would instantly end up pregnant, which I think would be good. For the VP, to kind of balance the ticket, because Mr. Morgan can be a little erratic, I would suggest Fat Joe. He's generous. He's kind. I think he would be a real asset in foreign policy affairs as well.

So, yeah. Thanks. Bye. Presumably, Fat Joe, because he's Puerto Rican. So he would be good at foreign policy. He's a Puerto Rican guy. I think this is one of the strongest slates we've heard so far. Because you get Tracy Morgan's sense of raw inspiration. You get Tracy Morgan's nonsense words. You get Tracy Morgan running around and taking a shirt off or something. Just something really cool and fun.

And then with Fat Joe, you get a guy who's well-known for loving barbecue, having both pink and purple mink jackets. What is Fat Joe saying? He had a lot of hits. He was in the DITC crew, Jordan. Remember, we had a whole conversation with Dan Kennedy About Fat Joe No I don't remember that

So Fat Joe he's a fat man The fat Puerto Rican man Maybe that's what those people should have named their baby Fat Joe Fat Joe Call him back We messed up Joe also has experience.

Let us upset your wife again. Joe has experience as a capo. He's led both a crime syndicate and the terror squad, which is a rap group. I think this is one of those cases where you pick a vice presidential candidate who lends a little weight, so to speak, to the presidential candidate's qualifications. Yeah, I think here's what we need to ask ourselves, though. This is going to highlight a lot of prejudices that Americans have, and it's going to bring a lot of tensions to the surface, and I think we need to ask ourselves, is America ready for a fat president?

Right. Or what about this? I thought it was a fat vice president. Well, he's a heartbeat away. Especially with Tracy Morgan's well-known erratic behavior. And drugs. And drugs doing. Fat Joe does a lot less drugs,

but he sells a lot more drugs. And probably eats some. He does eat drugs. It's a big drug sandwich a lot more drugs. Yeah. And probably eats some. He does eat drugs. It's a big drug sandwich. He eats drugs. A well-known fact about Fat Joe. I wasn't going to bring it up, but I'm glad that you did, Tig.

I think now the liability is on you if we get sued by his vast empire. Wait, if you get sued, will they take all of this away? This is Nick in Austin. All I have to say is Chip Dipson and Dips Dobson were president in 2008

period. Goodbye. Yep. Well, that is something we talked about previously. Yeah. I don't think he understands that those are names we made up and not real people i know there are names that you can assign to fictional characters and it will be the best name that a fictional character could have chip dipson or dip dobson but it's not a real person that could run

for president yeah now if you that doesn't stop us here in this country. If you had a baby... Which I'm going to. That's why I'm pointing at you, Tig. You're the one with a womb here. If you, Tig Notaro, had a baby, named it Chip Dipson, had a second baby, named it Dip Dobson,

then, for constitutional reasons, waited 35 years, then this call would be appropriate as a Chip Dips and dips option for president right then it's appropriate in this case i think it's it's inappropriate and plus i think that if it came to it fat joe would be willing to shoot them both with guns if it came down to it and then eat eat them. Well, he wouldn't. The thing is, the one question is he doesn't want to get any blood on the mink.

Sure. So he might, it's also possible he might send a different guy from DITC digging in the crates or from the terror squad. That's also possible.

Is all's I'm saying, you guys. I actually don't know Fat Joe. I'll be completely honest. Really? You don't know Fat Joe I'll be completely honest really you don't know Fat Joe at all no big pun do you know big pun no the big punisher heavy d no the boys no the fat boys no Tig Notaro well that's a very ridiculous question okay okay we'll be back in just a second

on Jordan Jesse Go it's Jordan Jesse Go on Jesse Thorne America's Radio Sweetheart Jordan Morris La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan Jesse Gowine, Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. And Tig Dogleg Notaro. It's a good nickname. It really works as a nickname. It's a really solid nickname, I think.

You don't seem excited about it. This is the most excited I've ever been. Oh, okay. Sorry. I don't mean to be rude. Okay, so on the line here, we're all about naming stuff right now. On the line, we have Trevor and Trish from British Columbia. That's a part of Canada.

They, well, Trevor, you called asking us to name, to give a name for you. Let us know what kind of name you were looking for. Okay, we're looking for a name for our soon-to-be-born child if it's a male.

If it's a female, we don't know if it's a male or a female. If it's a female, we have a name, Naomi. If it's a male, we have no idea. So if it's a female, we can all go to hell over here. Yeah, so you're saying this is a big waste of our time. Our valuable time.

It could be a boy. So you're saying this is a big waste of our time. Our valuable time. Well, it could be a boy. So you're 50% coming to us as supplicants and 50% coming to us with both middle fingers extended to the sky. Yes, all four middle fingers. Now, Trish, you're the one with the baby inside you. How much baby is inside you at this point? Quite a bit of baby. I have probably a few more weeks.

Oh, wow. So this is like actually, this is pretty imminent at this point. It's a time crunch. Before that point. Listen, if you could have it so your water breaks while we're talking to you, that would be so exciting.

It would negate the really blatant fuck you that you've delivered to our mailboxes yeah so just just so you know if that happens great if it doesn't that's fine you know it's fine continue to be offended we'll just continue to be a little bit offended that we only get to pick one gender of the name but on the other hand on the other hand sure we are genuinely honored that you've selected us to be the final arbiters of the baby's name, if it is a boy. The non-negotiable final deciders. Oh, non-negotiable? I've convinced my wife that it's maybe otherwise. Oh, no, this is contractual.

This is on the internet. There's no turning back. Yeah. This is contractual. This is on the internet. There's no turning back. Yeah. Now, Trish, you guys have two babies already.

That's right. Or two children, I should say. What genders are they and how old are they? Our oldest is a girl and she's four. And the second one is a boy and he is almost two. Now, on the message, Trevor said that you guys almost didn't decide on a name for the boy until the baby was already out of the mom. That's right. That's a situation that we're going to try and help you avoid this time. Do you have, now let me ask you this, Trish.

I know there's such a thing as a woman's intuition. A pregnant woman can have a good, strong feeling about what's happening with a baby. Do you have any strong feelings about what this baby, either what the baby's gender might be or what the baby might be like? Well, not what it's like, but I have a feeling it's a boy okay that's good yeah it's a pretty good feeling is it active in there is it is there a lot of movement so it might be kind of a rabble rouser then um yeah maybe well and our boy is a ready one so i i'm hoping this one is a calm boy gotcha hey i have a feeling on what it is. I'm not really one for having feelings. Trevor, can I just

interrupt you for a second, Trevor? Are you a woman? Because I thought we were talking about woman's intuition. Okay. I'm half woman. I have three sisters and no brothers. Gotcha. Okay. So you were a little rubbed off on you. Fair enough. Okay. So what's your feeling?

Well, my feeling was that during the ultrasound, they didn't tell us whether it was a boy or a girl, but I saw a little rubbed off on you fair enough okay so what's your feeling well my feeling was that during the ultrasound they didn't tell us whether it was a boy or a girl but i saw a little something between the legs and pretty fuzzy it's hard to tell whether fuzzy already huh yeah usually it doesn't get fuzzy until later that's interesting um yeah so that's my woman's intuition based on solid fact. Okay. Now let me ask you something. Based on looking at a screen. Okay, Tig has a question here. I have a question.

Have you thought this through to the point of the day that you explained to your child that three people in Koreatown in Los Angeles named your child? No. No, we haven't. I didn't think that was going to happen. As long as it's not a name like Butt-Butt, like you were talking about. Well, even if it's like the most amazing name in the world, there are three people you've never met.

Now, hold on, Tate. I've heard so much about Jordan and Jesse. there are three people you've never met. Now, hold on, Tate. No, hold on. I've heard so much about Jordan and Jesse. I haven't heard anything about you guys on the podcast or anything like that. But I've heard so much from Trevor about you guys. So she's not a listener is what you're trying to say. I'm not a listener, but Trevor is. She has no clue what she's missing. She's too classy for that kind of thing.

I'm too classy. And you're open to us naming your child. Trevor is... She has no clue what she's missing. She's too classy for that kind of thing. And you're open to us naming your child. Trevor is. The two of you are parents. You understand, and correct me if I'm wrong, because I don't have any children myself, besides my dog, Coco, who I treat as a child. It's gross. Jordan's referring specifically

To when I feed her from the baba So But the two of you understand That you can't always be honest With your child You can't always be absolutely honest Is that correct? Well

We try to be Like have you told your children That you already have That dad is part man, part woman? I think they know that. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's pretty obvious. But there are situations where you need to shade the truth one direction or the other.

When you have children, as a parent, it's your responsibility in a way. Yeah, we have to clean it up, I guess. Clean up the truth. Exactly. So let's just say some podcasters in Los Angeles were to name your child. And for some reason your child asked where the name came from. You wouldn't necessarily have to literally say. Yes, you do.

No, what I would say is, my friend, the famous people on the internet. We are famous on the internet. You know, that thing that's 3D now? It's the future. Yeah, in the future, the internet is 3D, FYI, Tig. Oh, okay. It's 3D? Yeah, well, in the future, yes.

When the child is old enough to ask about this. Yeah, the child will probably ask about it in an immersive 3D environment. That's my best guess. Okay, so what qualities... Also, the child's a robot. What qualities would you like this child to have, Trevor and Trish? What are you hoping for? Calm.

Calm is a good one. Okay. Maybe you could adopt me. Dick is pretty low energy you could take care of our kids or you could just have the baby get up at 4am every day and by the time podcast taping time rolls around they'll be pretty comatose

ok so you want a calm baby I guess a nice one, nice to people you want a nice one, like nice to people. You want a nice baby. Caring kid, yeah, caring kid. I don't know, smart. You know what I'm hearing? What? I think this baby might should get a sort of a name that's sort of presidential.

I'm thinking about... You mean like Palin? Now you guys are... Oh, a spendocrat. You guys are in Canada, so all you have is communist oligarchs. But here in America, we use something called democracy to choose our leaders. It's a system whereby we vote for the smartest, most calm and collected person to lead you know, lead our nation. So what about a presidential name? Do you think that has some potential?

You know, actually, while they were talking, I was thinking, and we talked about this earlier in the podcast is when it came up, I was thinking Theodore. Theodore. That's a really good one because of Theodore Roosevelt. I was thinking also, I've been thinking a lot about... He was not a calm man, though. No, he wasn't. He was a rough rider.

So that's out. Yeah. Boy, did you screw up. You weren't listening. One thing I should let you guys know is that we have this extended network of family, and there are certain names that are already used up. Okay. So Theodore is one that's already used up.

Okay. A few others that we liked are already used up, and we're starting to get so fed up with it that we don't really care. So what you're saying... We may name it a name that belongs to one of its cousins, because it's ridiculous to narrow it down to such an extent. I am staring at a poster of Curtis Mayfield. Are you in his apartment?

Yeah, he looks nice and fairly intelligent. He's got glasses on. He has glasses on, so he probably reads or he tries to, you know. He reads music. Reads music. He reads music. Reads music. He's smiling. How about Curtis? How does Curtis grab you?

Now, okay, and now I think it's great of us that we're being diplomatic and letting them respond to our thoughts, but I mean, I just want you to know, ultimately, we're going to decide whether you like it or not. So, I mean, this is very generous of us to open this up to you.

We're just brainstorming at this point, though. Curtis, isn't that sort of a nerdy name? Have you seen Curtis Mayfield? I have seen Curtis Mayfield. Have you ever read Blow? Have you ever read the comic strip Curtis? It's about a young African-American boy. Are you giving birth to an African-American boy?

No. I don't think so trevor i think there might be some other issues you should work out with your wife let me but i love that she's like i don't think so i guess in two weeks we'll know for sure uh i think something something to bring up is that, yeah, I guess Curtis and Theodore are both a little bit dorky, but I don't know if you guys knew this. I don't know if you've gotten this news on your side of the pond, but

I mean, you know, nerd is cool again. Yeah, nerd is hot. Geek is chic. Nerd is cool when you're an adult, but when you're a child, nerd is still really bad. I don're an adult, but when you're a child, you start to feel really bad. Also, just... I don't mind Curtis, but I don't like Kurt.

Like, that's something you have to think about. Kurt. Just so you guys know, by the way, when Jordan says pond, he's referring to the Puget Sound. I am. I don't know, yeah. I'm referring to the Great Lakes.

Okay, so here's an idea I had. Now, obviously, the two of us, the two groups of us, me, Jordan, and Tig, and you guys, Trevor and Trish up there in Canada, are making a sort of international partnership here to name this child. Now, we'll be the deciders. America will decide ultimately. And I was thinking, there's another really great international organization where America ultimately got to call the shots. That was the League of Nations.

I thought you were going to suggest naming the baby Nafta. No. What about Woodrow Wilson? Woodrow. Either Woodrow or Wilson. No, I think that the baby's first name should be Woodrow Wilson? Woodrow. Either Woodrow or Wilson. No, I think that the baby's first name should be Woodrow Wilson. Woodrow Wilson, baby, and then your last name. Like hyphenated Woodrow Wilson or all one word?

Just Woodrow Wilson. Is there two W's in the middle or just one W connecting the two? There's two W's. Okay, so it's W-O-O-D-R-O-W-W-I-L-S-O-N. Yes. His name is like an email address. Woodrow Wilson, 67. Maybe you should consider naming your child

Woodrow underscore Wilson. Just name it Insane Clown Posse Fan 420. But think about it. Maybe we could name it Insane Clown Posse Fan 420. But think about it. Maybe we could name it Hot Male. If you name it Woodrow, you can call it Woody, which is a really great nickname, a really fun nickname to have a kid in your family named Woody. Might be the target of some mockery,

modest amount of mockery, but what you're ultimately looking for is someone who's super classy, right? Like Woodrow Wilson, who helped create the League of Nations. What about after James Garfield naming the kid Garfield? Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Maybe our names are too presidential. Maybe we shouldn't. What about Rappin' Rodney? Yeah, that'd be good. Is that something? Rodney Dangerfield's Rappin' Alter Ego. What are you guys, seriously though,

what do the two of you think of Woodrow? Not you two. I don't need to decide. You guys have nothing to do with this. There's an old woman that just walked out in a nightgown. Yeah, she's probably going to hang up some laundry. Yeah. Maybe you might have said this.

Again, I kind of tune in and tune out when I feel like it. What are your guys' other kids' names? I don't want this name to be totally disparate. Anna and Ryan. Anna and Ryan. Anna and Ryan. So if we do have something a little classic like Woodrow, it would stand out. Anna, Ryan, Woodrow. No, Anna, Ryan, and Woody.

They call them Woody. The Woodmeister. No, they don't call them the Woodmeister. This is not some Rob Schneider sketch from Saturday Night Live. This is real life in Canada. But those are okay, but Ann and Ryan are kind of two standard modern names. How about William?

I bet that's overused in your family. That's my dad. How do you like your dad? I like him. You do like him? I think he's kind of a dick. That's why I asked. Yeah, he's been really out of line lately yeah geez he'll say some shit where i don't know i guess later on you can see how he would have

thought it was okay to say but like in the moment it just makes you want to deck him um but anyway this isn't about your okay here here's here's okay this is off our presidential bent. Okay. What do you think about Max? Max. Is Max short for Maximilian? Or Maxim. I have a friend named Maxim. Our neighbor is Maxwell. Okay.

How about Hank? Like Henry? Henry. That's my dad's name. What do you think of him? Boy, the two of you with dads. Oh, man. Your dads need to hang it up.

How did I guess both of your dad's names within 30 seconds? Why don't you name the child after me? My name is Androgynous and, oh, but I'm not intelligent. You wanted a smart kid. Yeah, they were looking for an intelligent androgynous name, if I remember correctly. You got Jordan in there if you're looking for unisex. What do we have?

We had William in there. I'm not saying you should name the kid after me. Jesse, Jordan, and Tig are all kind of unisex. I was really, I'm really hung up on Woodrow. Woody. Yeah, I mean, I think it's good, but I don't think it's what they're looking for. What about a great Canadian prime minister?

Like Margaret Thatcher. Who? She is a prime minister. You got that right. Vicente Fox? Is that a great Canadian prime minister? He's a prime minister, too. Emperor Hirohito.

Charlemagne. Why don't you name your kid Magna Carta? How about Jack? How about Magnus? Magnus is pretty sweet. No, Magnus. After the Magna Carta. Name the child Jack.

Magnus, Carter, whatever their last name is. I feel like every movie... Jack and Jack go in the right direction. I feel like every... Jack's going... Look, I'm on to something. Okay.

Jack's in the right direction? Yeah. What about Jackson? That's kind of presidential. Jackson is presidential. Jackson. I like Jackson. What do you think, Jordan?

You guys don't get to decide. Again, guys. I want to be clear. This is not your decision. You seem you think, Jordan? You guys don't get to decide. Again, I want to be clear. This is not your decision. You seem nice enough, but shut up. You've already failed. Okay, let's be clear. The reason you called is because you have already failed.

You have called a podcast to name your baby. Yeah, I know. So what do you like? Do you like... By the way, we are legally required to report you to Child Safety Services after this program has concluded. Now, tell me this. Do you like the name Jackson? Like Jackson Pollock?

Yeah. Andrew Jackson? One of our nation's worst presidents? They're ignoring us. We're not allowed to talk. I don't get it. Talk when we want you to. Okay.

My problem with Jackson, and also maybe with Woodrow too, is they seem like they're last names. They don't seem like they're first names. No, they're classy first names. Because you call them Jack or Jackie. I like Jackson. I'm with you, Tig. Jackson, I'm in.

Yeah. I'm all in. And here's the thing about the name Jack, is I feel like every movie, the main character's name is Jack, but I know no Jacks in real life. I have never called anyone Jack. The only Jack I know is Jack Kennedy, and it's been such a long time since he passed.

Yeah, yeah. While I feel like our lives are intrinsically linked forever, you know. What do you think, Jackson? We do have a cousin named Jack. That almost rules that one out. If he's really fun, you can call him Jackie, like Jackie Wilson. What about Louis?

Lonely teardrops. You know what? I think I'm going with Jackson as well. Okay, Jackson. It's decided. Jackson, are you back on board? Jackson? I don't like the name Jackson. I've never liked that name. What's your guys' last name?

See, now you're the one who wants to name... They shouldn't say their last name. Oh, right. We don't want them to... Now, Tig, you're the one who wants to name this child after Webster. With this Lewis stuff. Speaking of naming it after Webster, what about Emmanuel? What are you talking about?

Naming it after Webster? Emmanuel Lewis is Webster. No, I know, but she said Lewis. She said Lewis, which is Webster's last name. Emmanuel Lewis. Now I'm thinking maybe Emmanuel. I'm back with Jackson. It's kind of biblical.

I'm back on Jackson. Okay, we're all on Jackson. It's decided. Jackson. Name the baby Jackson. Congratulations, you guys. And you can seriously, you can use any derivative of Jackson you want to refer to them

colloquially as long as Jackson's on that birth certificate. Yeah, and look, you might hate that name so much. You could call him Sonny. But that baby has a name now. Yeah, that baby has a name and when a baby has a name, a baby has a future. Yeah, so we'll just, we need you to fax

that birth certificate as soon as you get it. No rush, but in the first day or so. Yeah, so we'll just, you need you to fax that birth certificate as soon as you get it. Like, no rush, but in the first, like, day or so. Yeah, exactly. I mean, if you... It takes, like, about two months to get a birth certificate in Canada. No, I don't think it does. You need to get a rush on it. You can I know what it's like in communist countries.

I visited, I spent some time in Laos. You just need to grease a few palms. They just pulled, they only pulled you over and told you it was going to take two weeks because it looked like you had a relatively fancy car. They knew they could get some money out of you. Just give a bag of millet to the policia.

Yeah, they said two months, Jesse. Two months? Yeah, they said two months, not two weeks. Oh, shit. We're going to need you to pay attention. Well, how about this? You're going to have to, in addition to hard currency, shit. We're going to need you to pay attention. Well, how about this? You're going to have to, in addition to hard currency, you're going to need to throw in a few goats.

I know it's tough to find goats up there because you can use them for milk and meat. They can't survive the harsh climate that we have, too. Yeah, that's true, the frozen north. Well, just get some, it's okay. Neither can unnamed babies. Name the child jackson uh then when you when the police officer pulls you over tells you it's going to take two

months to get this birth certificate you give them a few loonies and uh then you give them a couple of snow goats and you're done fax it back to us do whatever you need to do to get access to a fax machine i know you guys are mostly on teletypes. Do whatever you need to get a fax machine and we're kosher. We're great. Sounds fantastic. Nobody's going to jail. Seriously, this is the best thing that has happened

to Canadian American relations since either the French and Indian War or the War of 1812. Or since Tig went to Canada. Okay, guys, well, thank you so much for calling and letting us decide the name of your baby.

Let us know when it comes out and that you decided to name it Jackson. Yeah, tell Jackson hello. If you don't name it Jackson, go on the lam. We will hunt you down. Like dogs. Okay, we'll talk to you guys later. Okay, thanks a lot.

I love you guys. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Tig, did you wake up? You're just looking at your messages on your phone again. Well, yes, I am. What the fuck, Tig?

I, my phone rings off the hook. You know what, Tig? After this segment, you are out of here. No. You are out of here. I'm not leaving. No, you are done. I am not leaving.

You are done. I am so tired. D-O-N-E. Done. Hear me out. Hear me out. I'd like to take a nap in your bed. That's reasonable.

I do have some concern that it might be too soft or too hard. But if it's just right, you can go ahead and do that. I like a hard bed. My bedroom is like a really nice... it's like a mahogany well no it's just a nice clean hotel room like there's no clutter there's you know nice bed nice kind of innocuous paintings on the wall yeah maybe you have a boat or something i mean i've never really paid attention to what's in right yeah yeah mini yeah, yeah. Mini bar. Yeah. So.

You should get a sleep number bed, Jessie. I'm just saying, is your bedroom nice enough for me to sleep in? Because I have to say, my bedroom is really nice. My bedroom is plated in gold. It's gold plated. It's got a hard bed for that reason, and it's very nice for that reason. You know, gold is the softest metal, though, so really you could pick a harder metal

to make a bed out of. Maybe you have a diamond bed, but I can't afford that. I'm a normal person. I'm not some East Coast elite. Sorry. Why don't you go back to your fucking Boston Yacht Club

with some domestic terrorist? This is getting scary. Jesse's just jealous of my diamond bed. You know who does have a diamond bed? My close personal friend, Mr. Fat Joe

of the Terror Squad. You're just jealous of my friendship with Gore Vidal. I'm not, to be honest with you, Jordan, I'm not jealous of your friendship

with Gore Vidal, but I am so fucking jealous of your friendship with literary dandy Tom Wolfe. Yeah. We'd hang out. Are you jealous of anything with me? Have you ever, are you friends with John Updike at all? No.

No, I'm absolutely not jealous of anything about you. Sorry, Tig. That's all right. That's just how the cookie crumbles. Wow. I hope that wasn't too folksy for you. Sorry, while you guys are busy doing this show to Wall Street, I'm doing it to Main Street.

Yeah, two different shows. That's how the cookie crumbles on the dog leg. Sorry, maybe you guys are busy talking to Russian oligarchs without precondition. But me, personally, myself. He's setting a pie to cool on the windowsill. You got it. I hope my dog, whose name is Lassie, but it is a different dog than the TV Lassie, but roughly equivalent. Doesn't eat the pie.

That would be a situation. Doesn't get as much FaceTime on television. Exactly. But that might change. If I get elected president of the United States, and I'm not saying I'm running, but if you want to vote for me, I'll accept your votes. And if you want to change the Constitution so I'm eligible, that's fine. I'm just saying.

I'm a very folksy guy. I'm a man of the people. You give shout outs to... I'm the kind of guy who you can relate to, like Al Gore in the last couple weeks of his campaign. Just a real populist. You're going to grow a beard? Absolutely.

I would like to grow a beard very much, but I cannot. Unfortunately. You gave up on your beard, Jordan. I did, man. I haven't grown a beard since I've had the ability to grow a beard. I've tried a few times, but the

itchiness is just too much. I would love to have a beard so much. Don't you wish you had a beard, Tig? I did have a beard so much. Don't you wish you had a beard, Tig? I did have a beard. But? Well, this morning was a very special... Sort of like a Britney Spears kind of thing. You wanted a clean start.

Yeah, I just thought I'd shave up, head on out to the podcast. Beardless and see what the beardless world has to offer. Yeah. How's it going so far? It's a little itchy without it, actually. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm just always itchy. Jordan, can I have your beard? No, I still might want to use it at some point. I mean, I know I haven't made good use of it yet but at some point I'm going to have a thick miraculous nerd beard there's nothing nobody can do about it I wish I had those crazy

I have big eyebrows already you have regular sized eyebrows standard you have lovely eyebrows Tick well thank you they're very popular with people like eyebrows but I want them to be even bigger like the big Well, thank you. They're very popular with people that like eyebrows.

But I want them to be even bigger. Like the big... Oh, the kind that... Like an old explorer. Like the guy with the crazy eyebrows that clearly is intelligent. I know that guy. Right. So you can sit at the Gentleman's Club, have a brandy. Yeah.

And I also want... Giant globe. You can look good in a pith helmet crazy hair growing out of my ears that would be cool can you get that redundant you know with cosmetic surgery have you considered that option uh i could probably get extensions you should talk to dr rosinelli medical associates they do male pattern baldness but i bet they could work on this for you okay i. I'm just throwing it out there. I just don't think, I think I just need extensions.

Would you get the kind that's tied in or the kind that's... Tied. Yeah, you would want the kind that's tied in. Because they do them one at a time. They look really good. Here's another thing that stood in the way of growing the beard. Not to brag, but I have to appear on TV once a week. Right.

And the interim between no beard and beard is very awkward looking right so i found myself appearing on television looking dirty and unkempt uh-huh uh because i had like a half a beard plus you have continuity issues right let's say you got to pick up that Frank Stallone interview the next week. Pickups are very common. Maybe if I have a stretch, if I get fired or I get locked in a cave or something, I'll try the beard again.

Or stuck in quicksand. That'd be a great chance. That would be... Oh man, I wish, man. I'd love to just unwind in some quick sand you know shake off the rat race for a while that would be nice that was my biggest our our theme music is love you by the free design from their album the best of the free design available on light in the attic records a delightful album that you should probably buy um you can find us online at MaximumFun.org.

If you have thoughts about the show or you want to call in, ask us a question, contribute to one of our action items, 206-984-4FUN is the number to call. 206-984-4FUN. Or you can email JJGo at MaximumFun.org. Tig, where are you headed to? Have you got any big rogue gigs coming up? Max FunCon, of course. I do have Max FunCon.

You got one of these MySpaces? You're just relaxing before that. You're just going to want to save all your energy. Yeah, yeah. How long is that, two days? Yeah, just a couple days. You know, I'm always... Next couple weeks, we're wide open for the next couple weeks.

You're working. I'm always touring here and there. I'm going to San Francisco on the 14th. Oh, wow. Where are you going to be in San Francisco? At the Punchline. It's a nice club to go to. I don't know what it's like for a performer, but as an audience member, the Punchline is

as good as it gets. It's a lot of fun. It's a really nice club. Yeah, it's one of the nicest in the country. Got a nice management there. They know who's funny and who isn't. They're great. And almost exclusively book the ones who are funny.

They'll really go out of their way to book somebody who's funny, which is unusual in comedy club circles, actually, as it turns out. It's tough. Are you performing with anyone noteworthy? I don't know who is on the show. Weinbach. Weinbach. Yeah, I don't think it's Weinbach No

But then also The Sarah Silverman program Premieres on Wednesday There you go Sarah Silverman program On the Comedy Central It's the second half of season two Correct?

That's how it's being built Yes, it's going to follow South Park They were supposed to deliver an hour-long premiere, and they only delivered a half hour. So they're filling that extra half hour with Sarah's premiere, which is on Wednesday, and then they're showing the second episode of the season

on Thursday, the next day. Which is when the show actually airs. Yeah, and so from every... On Thursday. Did you know this, is when the show actually airs. Yeah. And so from every... On Thursday... Did you know this, Tig? People still love South Park. It is a huge ratings winner in this year 17. I do know

that. It's kind of funny still, too. Yeah, I'd maybe say it's funnier than when it... You know, South Park is one of those shows like King of the Hill where I'll watch it at a friend's or in a hotel room or something. I'll be like, man, that show is great.

I just start watching that and then I just don't. It's a really good show and then you never follow through. I just never watch it. I'm like, well, I'm going to watch this Firefly DVD again. That's kind of how my TV viewing works. Anyway, anyway, anyway. We'll be back next week on Jordan, Jesse, Go. We'll see ya.