Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 750: Milk Skins with Lizzy Cooperman

Episode Date: August 11, 2022

Lizzy Cooperman joins Jordan and Jesse to talk about Chuck the bear expert, the HBO Cafe inside of a children's hospital and Lizzy's new career as a tarot reader. Check out Lizzy's new podcast Lizzy Cooperman's In Your Hands!This episode brought to you by Lumi Labs. Ever tried Microdosing? Visit Microdose.com and use JJGO for 30% off + Free Shipping. 

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Doe. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. How are things going for you, buddy? Too hot here in Los Angeles, I would say. Yeah, LA too hot. I'm trying to remain chill, both temperature wise and emotionally. So what are we talking about? Ice cubes in the pants? Yeah. Ice cubes in the pants. Ice cube on my stereo.

Sure. I'm in ice cube trying to get into ice cubes pants. Yeah. If only... Oh, I forgot. Who's Ice Cube married to? I don't know. I don't know either. Yeah. Couldn't tell you. If I could have even thought of a different type of cube, all I could think of was the Borg cube, but I wasn't sure if that was even called a cube. Oh, yeah. There's some bad guys from Star Trek. Yeah, they do fly in a cube though. I don't know if they like internally within the Borg, you know, like organization, it's known as the cube.

What else ends in cube even? Ice Cube. There was a series of horror movies in the 90s called Cube. And then there was Cube 2 colon Hyper Cube. Oh, so Ice Cube's wife is named Hyper. Right. Fine. Good enough. Right. Not good, but let's move on.

No. So here's where I'm at, Jesse. I'll let you know where I'm at. I am at that phase where I am finishing up a project and I have a work project, not a crafting project. I don't mess with that. Yeah, you don't fuck with macrame. Not my speed.

Might help you be more chill, but not my place to say anything. I have some maybes for my next project, but show business, so many ins and outs, so many variables, so many maybes for my next project, but, you know, show business, so many ins and outs, so many variables, so many maybes. Show business, seven brides for seven brothers. You said it, my friend. Yeah. And this is usually the time when I freak the fuck out. Right. Loose sleep, you know, automatically as soon as the thing ends, it's like, well,

that's it. I'll never work again. It kind of spirals. It kind of leads to, you know, and a goat's going to chomp off my penis and then I'll die alone. Like this is good. I relate to it completely. This is the flow chart. I'm not as deep into show business as you are. I'm on the periphery of show business, but I have those same feelings all the time about the goat. Yeah. So I think where I'm at is I'm trying to like, God forbid, enjoy the slow time. God forbid, I'd enjoy myself while things are slow. That's kind of what I'm, that's the conversation I'm having with myself right now. It's like, hey, it's a little slow. Historically, you usually find something else. So just enjoy it. Maybe work on a personal project. Maybe relax a little bit, you know? Finally get to that macrame.

Yeah. Well, not for me, thanks, but... Could help you be chill. Anyway, so that's just kind of where I'm at. Not a funny bit, but I'm just kind of trying to let you and the listener in emotionally. What would you do in personal time? I mean, I think that like me, you're a person who responds to peace by disturbing it. Oh, yeah. Just a person whose entire life is a desperate run from an imagined bear.

I haven't seen the bear. I haven't heard the bear, but I suspect the bear exists and he's ready to chomp on my nuts just like that fucking goat. In my case, it's a desperate run from an imagined bear and toward a real bear, rapper and actor Ice Cube. Sure. Is he considered a bear? I don't know. I just, I just nominated him for, I mean, he's a little, he's got a soft physique, right? He's husky. Yeah. Yeah. He's husky, but charismatic. Isn't that the main quality? He's probably hairy enough, right? So, Jordan, given free time, given quiet, do you have anything to go to? Do you have any chill activities in which to participate? And I'm just going to start

by saying that underground street fighter tournaments in abandoned warehouses do not count. Oh, well, you know, that's funny. I was on Twitch today watching a little bit of Evo, which is like the world championship of street fighter. Oh, well, that's chill enough, I guess. Who won? The yoga guy with the stretchy arms? No. Yeah. The actual characters don't compete. These are humans. Why not? Who competes if it's not the characters, Jordan? Not real. They have the background compete? Yeah, the elephants and the 50s cars, the city of Las Vegas. These are all things in the background of Street Fighter level.

Should we find out what our guest would do given the opportunity to take some chill time? Our guest is a very funny person, but also a very emotionally present person. And I think they would have a great perspective on this. Okay. Well, hold on, Lizzie. Stand-up comic, star podcaster of Lizzie Cooperman's In Your Hands. Lizzie Cooperman. Hi, Lizzie. I'm sorry that I interrupted you. I just wanted to share your name. Bursting with bear facts. I am bursting at the seams. Now, what kind of bears are your expertise? Well, what's so crazy is, so on my podcast every week, I have the listeners vote between two options of what I should do next. It's like a choose your own adventure, but with my life,

essentially. Jordan was on. His episode is incredible. Please listen to it. And there was an episode involving the Eagle Rock bear, which... Oh, right. Eagle Rock is a neighborhood here in Los Angeles. Yes. Probably best known for being where Elliot Kalin lives. But secondarily, for a giant rock that at certain times of day, the shadow looks like an eagle. Third for a bear? I haven't heard about this bear. Well, in 2021, there was a bear discovered in Los Angeles on the streets of LA. The bear went to Eagle Rock because he's getting super into Frosé. He got a SAG card.

He moved to LA. He was walking around in Eagle Rock. And more recently, they just found two more bears on a freeway near where I live. So I live at Eagle Rock and they found two bears roaming or strolling down the 210 freeway. Oh my gosh. A few weeks ago. Now I had imagined them maybe behind the wheel of a Fiat or something. Okay. When you describe that. An MG? Like a little roadster with their hair, you know, in the wind. Just by the way, Ice Cube married to Kimberly Woodruff.

On April 26, 1992, Ice Cube married Kimberly Woodruff, born September 1970. They have four children together. Congratulations, Ice. Congratulations, Kim. Great to hear that. So there have been three bears in Eagle Rock. Where are they coming from? There have been more.

Occidental College. So there were three bears and they each had a bowl of porridge. They all had a bowl of porridge. By the way, I live right by Occidental College and there's a big house, like an old looking house that has a giant COVID symbol on it. And my friend and I were walking by like, what is that place? And then we saw these two college girls kind of like rolling suitcases. It was a couple of months ago. And we go, did you just finish spring break? And they go, we got COVID.

We have to go to COVID house. So there's... What? There's like a frat? But everyone has COVID? Yes, that's exactly what it looks like. It's like a sorority house, but it just has a giant COVID symbol on it. So if you get COVID, and my friend and I were like, that would make an amazing reality show.

So they're always blasting party tunes like, cough, cough, cough, cough, cough, cough, everybody. Yeah. Exactly. That's the most recent party song that I know. Right, right. Sure. Anyway, so-

Wait, so hold on. So you moved next to Occidental College. Was that on purpose or moved next to Occidental College. Was that on purpose or was that by Occidental? Why did I like that one and not the cough, cough, cough song? Who knows? Why is a rainbow beautiful? What is a podcast if not talking?

Sure. So I was worried about running into the bear because I used to walk. I'm doing the new map. It's been very helpful post pandemic to get my health back on track. And I want to do 10,000 steps a day. But then I saw this story about these bears on the 210. And I just kind of went down a rabbit hole of like all the bears in the area. And then the producer of my podcast said, oh yeah, this woman I'm friends with just sent me a video that like her, not her ring light. I'm like, the bear was auditioning.

It had a ring light on his ring camera or on her ring camera. Right. Yeah. The home security camera. Yes. Yeah. Like the camera on a doorbell. A bear just walking back and forth in front of her. It's gotta be terrifying. Do you think and forth in front of her apartment. It's got to be terrifying. Do you think the bear was scoping her apartment? I'm not sure, but I ended up calling all these bear experts for my show because I thought I'm never going to be able to get a hold of it because there's a really quick turnaround on my show where I have to get the experts. I have like a day to get a hold of everyone and book it and make sure I can get them on the phone. So I put calls into all these different bear experts. I was just looking on Facebook and asking, does anyone know, you know, someone who has experience with bears? I got ahold of one guy. Can I just say, Lizzie, you put that on Facebook, you're going to get a

lot of yeses. You're going to get a lot of phone numbers. Right, right, right. I mean, I guess it depends what social circles you roll in. Right, right. I know that were I to put that on Facebook, I'd get a lot of questions. What did you end up finding out? So I talked to this guy. His name was Chuck. He worked at a place called Bear Aware in Montana. And he goes- By the way, not surprised that the band's name was Chuck.

That really tracks. Seems exactly right. Well, what's crazy is he was amazing. He gave me great advice about, he goes, well, you have to get bear spray. And I'm just imagining myself walking down the street in Los Angeles with this giant like canister of spray, like on a holster or something in my quaint little neighborhood. You hold it in your hand. The thing about bear spray, and I have bear spray. The thing about, because my cabin is in a very bear intensive area. So if you're going for a hike, you have to bring bear spray.

And the thing about bear spray is that it basically comes in a fire extinguisher. It is, you get a container of four gallons of bear spray that you have to pull a ring and hose a thing. And it's gargantuan. Right. No, I looked it up. It's not like a little mace thing or something. Right.

There's no target sample size. No. Right. There's no travel bear spray, unfortunately, for those of us who are concerned about airplane bears. Don't you hate it? You get seated next to a bear. He's unwrapping a salmon that he brought with him.

Are you going to eat that right next to me there, buddy? Where are you putting those entrails? Sure. Jesse, did you pull the trigger? Have you ever pulled the trigger? I've never pulled the trigger. I pulled the trigger to buy bear spray. I've never encountered a bear in the wild, though on a story I've told a few times on this show, a bear did come to visit outside my dad's window one time when he was asleep and it eventually tore the door off my shed. Just the door of my shed was locked with a padlock. It

did not break the padlock. It just tore the entire door off. Bears are very powerful creatures, it turns out. Sure. The paws, the claws. I mean, need I go on? And I mean, they're great with berries. Sure. It's another quality of bears. I think they can run like 60 miles per second, this guy told me. Holy moly. They're very fast. That seems about right. That fits together. What do you think they are? About 20,000 pounds right in there? Like 20,000, maybe 30? I would actually guess eight or 900 probably. I've seen bears that are what, 14, 18 feet, Jordan? Yeah, that sounds about right. So anyway, this guy said spray a wall around you. Oh. But then, so then I talked to him and now still the messages from bear experts are trickling in. I just got one today.

And are people like calling bullshit on Chuck? They're like, no, no, Chuck really. Chuck's a moron. Don't listen to Chuck. You don't spray a wall. You spray a Z. Chuck is a famous fucking bear dickhead. Everybody in the bear community hates Chuck.

Right, right, right. But he's the one who responds to everybody's phone call first. That's the thing. So he ends up on NBC News or whatever, just because he was willing to answer an unknown number. Mark my words, we're going to be watching Werner Herzog watch a tape of Chuck's death in five years. It's going to be heartbreaking. We're going to watch him watch it. Lizzie, did the other bear experts correct Chuck or add to Chuck's feedback? They just wanted their moment in the limelight. Yeah. Oh, wow. So these people were slow on the trigger.

Right. And they fucking blew their chance at celebrity on Lizzie Cooperman's podcast. Exactly. Exactly. There was one guy at like North American Bear Center or something that this woman said, Spencer's giving a tour right now. He can't come to the phone. And I said, it's time sensitive. I'd love to have him on the show.

Now Spencer's coming in hot. I've gotten more than one message. I've received more than one message from Spencer. And what do the bears even want to tour? They know the territory. Yeah, but sometimes, you know, there's little factoids, little pieces of history that you miss, you know? Yeah, I guess that's true. They voted for me to overcome my fear of bears by walking. I'm taking care of my friend's dog right now. I'm letting it out every day at like 1 p.m. by walking to his house while listening to Clan of the Cave Bear.

Wow. walking to his house while listening to Clan of the Cave Bear. Wow. The erotic caveman fantasy novel of the late 1980s. That is so funny that you remember it as erotic because when I was young, my parents were watching it and I was supposed to be in bed. And I remember coming downstairs and seeing like Daryl Hannah on all fours, like grunting. And I was like, what are they doing to her? My parents were like, go to bed. It's bear stuff. You wouldn't understand.

Right. We're just sharing a blanket. Well, I meant Daryl Hannah, not my parents. Right. Your parents were sharing a blanket with Daryl Hannah? Sounds like fun. Lizzie, I wanted to get your perspective on this thing that I'm experiencing now where, you know, between things, a little slow, how do you react to those just like ups and downs? Do you like freak out as soon as things get slower? Do you have the ability to enjoy it? I'm like, is it that obvious?

No, you come across as very, you know, very present, very in the moment. Okay. I am trying to tune into a higher vibration and I did reach a low point and not to keep talking about my podcast, but it is my entire life right now. Last week- Same here. Really? Yeah. I'm getting really into knocking salmon out of rivers and onto the bank. Lizzie, I spent literally 30 hours this week coming up with that, was it, bioxidant bit. I wrote it.

I rewrote it. I got together a little mini room that included Alex Kurtzman. Blinka Patch was there. Blinka Patch, Diablo Cody, all the greats. You know what I think? And we workshopped it. David Mamet. David Mamet, yes.

I was a little hesitant to bring in Mamet, you know, at this point, given some of his takes. But, ah, I mean, his dialogue still just sparkles. Yeah. I feel like, first of all, do you have a daily ritual? What's your morning ritual? Oh, well, I wake up, turn on my good friend Gail King on CBS this morning. What time are we talking about getting up, Jordan?

Are we talking about a 7.30? Oh, no. So I wake up, I naturally, I have a very strong internal clock. And even though I have not like had to report to an office in some time, I still get up at 6.30. I just kind of get up at 6.30 30 and like sometimes i can fall back asleep if i really like if i'm on like top of my breathing and shit but usually about 6 30 gail's there for gail's there she's ready what about john dickerson is he around sometimes no dickerson isn't on cbs this morning anymore sometimes he'll pop by and sometimes if cbs this morning is being interrupted for the january 6 hearings, he'll be on. And I always like that.

I always like it when to see John, you know, breaking down democracy's fall. Good morning, you say. I have some frosty flakes. I say this because I feel like an anchoring activity works in the morning. It helps me. I've been doing the artist's way for 97 years. in the morning. It helps me. I've been doing the artist's way for 97 years. Gosh, I have had the artist's way on my bookshelf in plastic for about 97 years.

Two therapists ago told me to buy it, and I did. Have I opened it? I have not. Okay. I cannot recommend it more, actually. I believe it. I believe that it's good. I've heard more people. The prospect of engaging in unbounded creativity is so terrifying to me. So completely emotionally overwhelming. The thought of having to write down any idea I had without judgment. Judgment is all I have. Harsh self-judgment is the only thing that keeps me running from that invisible bear and towards Ice Cube. Oh my God. So no, so basically no morning ritual other than... Like keep judging then. Yeah. But no, something like, are you actually able to get up and like

crack the journal and just like free associate? So this is what happens. So I do the morning pages every day. I write three pages, stream of consciousness, longhand, but things pop up for me while I'm doing the pages. Ideas, people I should call. I never stop writing to do the thing. I always just like write it down in the margin.

Like call this person, remember to do this. And it kind of allows me to sift through. It's almost like, guys, you know when you boil milk? I know you've been boiling a lot of milk lately. Isn't there like a film or something when you boil milk? I know you've been boiling a lot of milk lately. Isn't there like a film or something when you boil milk? Like it's like removing that. Yeah, it gets a gross film on top. Yeah.

Why do you boil milk to make like Jell-O or something? Yeah, you boil milk to make Jell-O, Jordan. That's how making Jell-O works. I don't know. You could boil milk to make a hot cocoa. How about that? But you don't want to boil it because it will get a gross skin. That's why you want to simmer it.

You want to keep it below a boil. Is that the secret? Yeah, I think so. I got milk skins as wallpaper right now. So that's anchoring for me. I have to say, though, I do go into panic. Right away after the morning pages? In lean times, I do experience the emotion, but I just kind of let myself feel it and know

that it's temporary. That's really healthy. That's really nice. I think, Lizzie, I'm not a therapist, but I've been in therapy a long time. And my understanding is that when you recognize a negative emotion, when you see it coming down the pike, what you're supposed to do is stop it, keep it outside of your body and make sure that you have at the most, no feelings. Maybe a giggle once in a while or a little bit of mild aggression, but only the kind that leads to posturing, not the kind that leads beyond that. Besides that, you just block it out. Just lock it down, hold it out, build the fence, put the bear spray. Do you know what?

My friend, I was working with this friend doing a show out of town, and he said he was doing somatic healing where he said, when I feel something that's uncomfortable, instead of shutting down, I just recognize where it is in my body. Like for me in my, I guess my sternum is where I get like a, sometimes it catches for me. I've got a tight sternum too. I experience a lot of sternum feelings. Yes. And it's like a shame. It feels like shame or it feels like I'm supposed to shut down when I feel that. I'm not supposed to say the

thing that I'm about to say. It's actually happening right now. I could just feel it. I can feel an ache in the sternum and it's just like there's a little dad under there not coming to my t-ball game. That's what it is. It's just a little dad that lives in my sternum and couldn't make it to the t-ball game right i get that same tightness too same place uh not from bad feelings it's when a storm's a coming all right your trick sturdom's acting up yeah you got that artificial sturdom in the war but besides that yeah but i know exactly what you're talking about lizzie you you see you feel it in your i've had uh on my metaphorical bookshelf two therapists ago, my therapist recommended

somatic healing to me. So. Oh, interesting. Well, my friend said that to me and it's really been helping me because I feel that and I go, I acknowledge it in kind of a friendly way. Anytime I feel it, I go, hello, sternum. I'm kidding. Mid-conversation. Would you like some tea? Yeah. I have bickies. I like to, yes, it sounds like maybe what you're leaning toward is kind of greeting your anxiety with a kind of Dickensian accent. Yeah. Yeah, not putting a judgment, a value judgment on it. What's all this then, governor?

Some unfounded anxiety here for no reason. When I recognize my anxiety, I'm never hesitant to give it a second helping of gruel. Yeah. If it needs more porridge, it gets more porridge. More? You want some more? Fair enough. Can I tell you something though? I just had a major shift occur in my life like a couple of nights ago. Oh my God. What was that? Because I was kind of feeling like, oh, things have actually been pretty up and down for me since March of 2020. But I was thinking back and I'm like, I had- Did you have a significant birthday or?

I lost my favorite scarf in March 2020 and I just haven't gotten back on my feet again. Not the poochie one. That's a great one with bold graphics. I love that you know that. In March of 2020, were you just disappointed by Vin Diesel's portrayal of your favorite comic book character, Bloodshot? Yeah. Been tough bouncing back. Yeah.

He didn't understand the character. He didn't get the nuance. Bloodshot's a nuanced character. You know, I have good months. And we talked about this. Actually, I used a phrase that you coined today. I had breakfast with my friend and I said, I'm really feeling like I'm going to have a robust August. Oh, okay.

That is a Jordan Morris coined term because I said, I want an abundant July. And then you said, I would like a robust August. But remember, when you're having a robust August, without a base, without a trace. Right. Yes. We actually celebrate a holiday on this podcast, Lizzie, and we've not addressed it. And, you know, we just want to wish our listeners a happy Anal August. Oh, my God. Just remember, without a base, without a trace.

Yes. It's a celebration, you know, not just of the erotic power of the prostate, but of openness, of openness, of trying new things, of saying yes. I feel like Clan of the Cave Bear kind of fits into that. It does. Sure. It's in real well. I mean, at the end of the day, which of us wouldn't do butt stuff with a bear? In this case, a real, like the animal, a bear. Right.

We should ask Chuck about the logistics of that. Yeah. Do we have Chuck on the line? Lizzie, can you, if Chuck isn't available, just have the other guy from the bear center call in. He's so fucking thirsty. He'll do it. He's so thirsty. I should just have a bear expert only episode because some of them say there was one guy on a YouTube video who goes, you've got to shake a bag. You just shake a bag and go, go away, bear. Go away, bear. I got a bag. I'm not afraid to use this bag. This was to get the bear to leave?

Yes. It's a cloth bag. It's to encourage the bear to take it to the farmer's market with him. Do you have to have a noisy bag? Yeah. Like maybe what, you know, those kind of like those reusable shopping bags, but not the soft kind, the kind that's kind of hard and laminated. You know, it's not like totally hard. It's just really crinkly.

The one that kind of smells like Meyer's lemon. Yeah. I always have a bag and I fill it with my favorite power violence albums. Sure. Kind of a challenging, hardcore genre. Yeah. Meyer's lemon spray, I just associate with people who are environmentally conscious. Right. Yes. If you see the Meyeryers Clean Day product in someone's bathroom, you know this

person cares. This person cares enough to pay a little bit more for soap. This person cares enough to choose a false independent product. Jordan, to further answer your question, I was having a moment where I thought, what am I even doing here? And I tend to go to extremes. I would say it's not my strongest personality trait. I feel that it's almost a weakness to go, I'm just going to sell my car and move to New York every other week. So last week I did that. So when you panic, your panic leads you to want to move to a more difficult city? Right. I'm like, I want to pay more for rent and live in a one bedroom with a black pleather sofa.

It's all this space. That's what's driving me crazy. Why am I not showering in my kitchen? I got to change this. So my last episode was called Carvana or Arcana. Do I sell my car to Carvana or do I become a professional tarot reader? Wow. So where did we land on that?

Have the votes come in? Yes. When does this come out, by the way? It's going to Thursday. 2024? Yes. Yeah. Thursday of 2024.

So does mine. It's a very important birthday for me. Yeah. Really? And Vin Diesel's got a It's a very important birthday for me. Yeah. Really? And Vin Diesel's got a new movie coming out that I'm looking forward to. He's playing Ninjok. Will he ruin Ninjok like he ruined Bloodshot? Lizzie, you ended up at this because you felt like you needed a change in direction in your

life. And so you put that forward to your audience. Right. Like a major change. Some of these things are medium changes. Both of these are pretty significant. Can we be told what one? Yes. So they voted Arcana. The tarot deck for listeners is for tuppies. Yes, I did my research. Yeah, okay. All right. The deck is separated into major and minor arcana.

So like major arcana is like the Empress, the Sun, the Devil. And then minor arcana would be like two of pentacles. Vin Diesel. Yes. Two Vin Diesels. Salad Fork. Actually, Salad Fork would be major. Oh, okay.

Mama's Family. Mama's Family. Mama's Family is minor arcana and the Carol Burnett Show is major arcana. Right. We all know this. Jackson 5. Jackson 5 major, the Jacksons minor. So I put it out there, and I said, if you vote Arcana, it already set up on my website

that you can get a reading already. But if you vote for that, I am going to have my fake booker because I created a fake booker named Joni Diamonds in another episode. I'm going to have Joni start booking me at parties. I'm going to get listed on like tarot reader websites. And my hook is that I'm going to do it like it's blackjack. Oh, so you're going to like chatter while you like, all right, step right up. Find the devil. Find the devil. For the parties.

I think I'm thinking of three card Monty. Sorry. Either way. Yeah. This is going to be more of a visual because I actually do care about tarot and I'm an experienced tarot reader and I don't want to demean it or insult it in any way. That in some way would feel sacrilegious to me. Sure.

Like suggesting that Vin Diesel is one of the characters. By the way, I would not be able to pick Vin Diesel out of a crowd. He's tough to spot. Yeah. Not at all distinctive. He's the one that looks like a moving steak. If you're like, why is that steak moving around?

So they voted Arcana. And the next day after that episode came out where I just presented the ideas, I booked a ton of tarot readings just from mentioning it and saying it's already up on my website. The one-on-one readings I'm doing in a very straightforward way. There's no costume. There's no, I'm just thinking when I go to a party, I'll have the green visor and a card shuffler. Right. I think that's perfect. What about sleeve garters? Because what if you have a five of pentacles up your sleeve? Right. They have to send a cooler over. Has that ever happened to you? Yes. You get banned from the casino for counting tarot cards. Joe Pesci comes and hits their hands with a hammer. These fucking MIT quants keep trying to beat tarot.

Have you thought about just to kind of, you know, heighten the blackjack experience, maybe hiring a 60-year-old cocktail waitress to bring someone a watered down G&T? Now that's a good idea. Well, I do need photos. If you would like to play that role, you can be in the background of my headshot. You know what? I'll do it. Like we said, I'm in a slower period. I have some time. I will dress up as a cocktail waitress. You already have compression hose.

Yeah. I'll try to nicotine stain my fingers and teeth. How do you know about compression hose? I'm a elderly diabetic. He's got compression hose in different area codes. Lizzie, what are you getting paid? That's my question because you're a professional here. What's your hourly? I have a drop down menu. Okay. I mean, that's the? That's my question because you're a professional here. What's your hourly? I have a drop down menu. Okay. I mean, that's the way to do it.

If you're going to be a pro, you're going to need a drop down. You can't just have anybody type any goddamn thing into that box. One thing I learned was people have to specify the time zone because I've already made a few errors there. So need the time zone. 15 minutes is $30. And no more of this Galapagos bullshit. Do they have their own time zone?

Yeah, they got a whole fucked up time zone that I'm not going to do any fucking tarot readings at. And 30 minutes for $50. I did a really, I'm going to say the cards are hot right now. Oh, yeah. Really? I had one today that was so spot on. It was pretty nuts. Yeah. I see myself as an interpreter of the cards and it's kind of a museum of the moment, you know? I do not know

what that means at all. It's a way for you to interpret your life through these images, through the information you're receiving. It just drops a new lens on where you're at in your life. Do you usually advise people to hit or hold on 15? Yeah. Do you double down on devil? God, I don't know enough. Yeah. I don't know enough about blackjack or tarot to continue this line. Wait, that's so funny. The reluctant prince. Is that one? The reluctant prince. God, wouldn't you hate to The Reluctant Prince. Is that one? The Reluctant Prince. Wouldn't you hate to go into a tarot reading and the psychic tells you, oh, that's a bust.

Yeah. Did you know 15 was the devil? No. No. That's what that number for the devil is in the tarot deck. Yeah. The number assigned to the devil. Is there a Reluctant Prince?

There are pages. There are knights. There are kings and there are queens. Okay. And there are bears. The Reluct reluctant prince Jordan is what I call my dick. I call mine the robust August. So what I'm saying is my life kind of changed overnight because now I'm booking tarot readings. My calendar is filling up at a time where I was thinking, I really would like to start working again. I actually do miss office life. I love desks. Me too. I also miss office life. I miss chatting around the coffee

maker. I miss having a running joke. I miss your tuppies. Oh, yeah. My Tupperware is that I will bring into the office fridge and then occasionally leave in the sink for someone else to wash. Like a real fucking asshole. I miss. Yeah, miss uh somebody else cleaning my tuppies for me i mean lizzie at the point where you're getting 50 bucks an hour was it a half hour yes that's a hundred an hour the point where you're getting a hundred bucks an hour who needs fucking show business it's just a bunch of disappointment what are you gonna go have one of those little tiny waters and have a meeting with some asshole agent when you could be getting a hundred bucks for the five of pentacles?

You don't want the five of pentacles though. No. What's the most desirable card? I would say five of pentacles is one of the worst actually. Okay. Five of pentacles is like you're destitute out in the snow. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah.

That's like what I'm afraid will happen to me. Why'd you give Jordan a five of pentacles, Lizzie? Man. I think you brought it up. No, that's it. That's in my head. As soon as I finish a project and as soon as someone doesn't email me back within one day, I go all five of pentacles.

Yes, that's it. Lizzie is holding up what in my head I think is my destiny, which is wandering around in the snow with crutches outside of a church that probably won't let me in because I'm too smelly and a goat bit off my balls. Do you know what the five of pentacle means? It means you're not going to get a fucking second helping of gruel. I'll tell you that. I need it.

Oh, I need that gruel. Oh, please, sir. Please, says Jordan. Need it. Wait. So, Lizzie, you also, maybe I'm wrong about, correct me if I'm wrong, but you have also done tarot readings on your non-erotic OnlyFans. Yes. So they also voted on my show for me to start an OnlyFans account.

And I do a daily tarot card that I pull for the subscribers. card that I pull for the subscribers. Now, I know that OnlyFans at one point tried to transition to non-erotic content exclusively. They tried to just be a straight up Patreon competitor. They immediately backtracked. And my understanding was that was because there was only porn stuff on there. That there was like one guy in a garage in Dubuque that was not showing his dick. And besides that, it was all pornography. For a while, it was Mexican desserts and that's when it was Only Flans.

Sorry, Only Flans. Well, I interviewed someone on my show who has an Only Fans for burping. Wow. What even led her to this was that she would burp on her podcast and she noticed that people in the comments

would put time codes. And she thought, what are these time codes? And she noticed it was every time she burped and people would go looking for them. And so she just,

she's an, she burped my name. She was like, Lizzie, go burp. It was. Wait, so is this, does it have like a cameo element to where like you could pay her to burp whatever you'd like? I need to apologize for even attempting that, first of all.

No, no, you did a good job. You did a good job of like demonstrating what it was like, but not making it like gross. Although, apparently, maybe people are into it. So maybe we should- Yeah, I mean, people have got to like that better than this. Right, Jordan? Yeah. I had the sternum ache as soon as I let that attempt at burping out. No need. Relax your sternum. Relax your sternum. Okay.

The burps are horny, right? This is an erotic fixation for the subscribers. It's hard to say. Her friend was like, and I'm going to say her name so that you can subscribe and she'll get money. It's Christina Walkinshaw. Very funny Canadian comedian. Her friend said people would pay for those burps. She said, really? And he said, yeah, you should put it on OnlyFans. I don't really know what's erotic about burping. Maybe that it comes from within. Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah. Bringing the inside out. Yeah, sure it is. It manifests up in them guts. Right. I mean, where the burp is born. Anytime I'm tempted to have the thought, I don't know what's erotic about that. I just remember that I like to look at butts.

Like, what's erotic about butts? You know what I mean? I mean, obviously, in the context of Anal August, I sound a little silly. Sure, yeah. But what part of any eroticism is not completely absurd? The human body is awkward and grotesque. Speak for yourself. Well, it seems like there's somebody else in this chat who has never seen a Mr. Vin Diesel. Well, it seems like there's somebody else in this chat who has never seen a Mr. Vin Diesel. I'm going to go take a look at a picture of Vin Diesel and see whether it's awkward and grotesque.

What's his outstanding feature, would you say? A beefiness. Yeah, a general chonk, a kind of an aggressive chonk. Like a strong, stout solidity. Like he's a pile or a heap. He's a pile of human, a heap of human. Like if you imagine a thick mud or pudding, but a very thick one. Like if you put, let's say that you started with a pudding, but it was an instant pudding, you put in two packets to the same amount of milk.

Let's say someone was collecting the skin from the milk they were boiling. And every day for a year, they peeled away the milk skin. And flapped it onto a pile. And then put it into a white undershirt, a gleaming white undershirt, and then attached a crucifix. This is Vin Diesel. Yeah, I think that's pretty good. But I'm going to take a look at her picture.

We'll be back in just a second on Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Now, Jordan, this and every episode of, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Now, Jordan, this and every episode of Jordan, Jesse Goh supported by our audience, the folks who become members at MaximumFund.org slash join. Thank you, Maximum Fund members. You are the true heroes. Sorry, bad news, firefighters. Unless you're a firefighter who donates to the show, then you're still a hero.

Yeah, that's true. But I think only librarians support the show. That's true. Maybe they're part of a volunteer fire department or something like that. Oh, that's fair. Yeah. I mean, I could see maybe the graphic designer who made something for the side of a fire engine. Yeah. Shirts for the picnic.

Yeah, that kind of thing. We're also supported this week by the folks over at Trade Coffee. Trade Coffee is a service that connects customers with coffee that they are going to love from 20 bajillion sources, literally 450 live kinds of coffee from all over the country, independent roasters all over the country. Yeah. I think listeners to the show know about my personal coffee journey, which we talk about often. I'm historically been a man that enjoys very basic diner coffee, but recently I've been experimenting with some nicer stuff, some stuff with notes, some stuff with complexity. And I had a really good time going over there to drinktrade.com slash JJ Go and filling out their really fun quiz. You take a quiz about your coffee consumption. You know, for instance, I'm a pod brewer. I brew via pod. I like a little cream in my coffee.

I'm team cream. So you're answering questions about what you like and then trade finds the perfect blend for you it's really cool i actually got after i took the quiz i got sight glass blue boon from your hometown of san francisco california jesse this is never heard of it oh uh beautiful city uh great fog that rolls in and apparently it's changed a lot in recent years i had no idea it has it's changed a lot sight glass blue boon is a idea. It has. It's changed a lot. Sightglass Blue Boon is a bright, flavorful choice for pod brewers. Takes well to cream.

Hints of ripe fruit, milk, chocolate, and citrus. I cannot wait to get my little mouths on this. Those sound like incredible notes, Jordan. I'll be perfectly honest with you. I'm excited for the hints of ripe fruit, milk, chocolate, and citrus. And the good news is that if you don't like this, no sweat. If they don't match it right the first time, they'll take your feedback. An actual coffee expert works with you to send you a brand new bag of coffee for free.

And right now, Trade is offering new subscribers a total of $30 off your first order, plus shipping when you go to drinktrade.com slash jjgo. That's more than 40 cups of coffee for free. Get started by taking their quiz at drinktrade.com slash jjgo and let trade find you a coffee you'll love. That's drinktrade.com slash jjgo for $30 off. We're also supported this week by the folks at Lumi Labs. Now, Jordan, you know a little something about microdosing. Oh, yeah. I actually used Lumi Labs microdose the other night when I was having a little problem getting to sleep. Too hot in the apartment, you know, life's stresses

weighing down on my shoulders like I was Atlas, whose apartment was too hot. So what I did... That was his famous challenge. Yes. Yeah. He had a wall unit in his living room, but not his bedroom. So Atlas, very hot apartment. So what was great is I went over there to my Lumi Labs micro dose gummies, popped one of those bad boys, and I got the slumber of a lifetime. You know about the trials of Hercules, right? Where he had to clean out an old swamp cooler. Yes, exactly.

Didn't have an AC, just had a swamp cooler. Anyway, the point is these Lumi Labsabs gummies are perfect for microdosing. They also have macrodoses, Jordan. They have full-size doses, if that's your preference. Yeah. And the microdoses are available nationwide. So to learn more about microdosing THC, go to microdose.com and use the code JJGO to get free shipping and 30% off your first order.

Links can be found in the show description. But again, that's microdose.com, code JJGO. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Lizzie Cooperman, Capital One. There you go. I mean, it's a great bank. One of the best.

Would you say it's top 10 in the entire world? Gotta be. Gotta be. I mean, what are your top 10 banks? Gonna be First National. That's gonna be up there. They have a restaurant, don't they? First National?

Capital One, I think, has a restaurant, actually. Great. I'll go to that restaurant. There was some bank that I used to work near. Sorry, I've never worked for a bank. Oh, God, I wish. I used to work near a bank and they had a cafe attached that was very attempting hip. And they had these great ham and brie sandwiches for four bucks. It was like the best work lunch. Great iced tea as well. This might have been a Capital One now that I think about it. Anyways, it shut down the experiment of can we get people to hang out at their bank, who apparently was a foolish one. But these ham and brie sandwiches were killer. It was just, it was the best, cheapest, ready when you get there working lunch. Anyway.

Did you know that there's an HBO cafe? No, uh-uh. Home box office? Because one time I was like supposed to meet someone in the East Hollywood area and I just looked up lunch and HBO cafe came up and I was like, what is this? Turns out it's inside the children's hospital. Oh, I've been to that cafe. Not to brag. Wait, really? Yeah, sure. Is it like, does HBO like sponsor it? Is it like, oh, we've given this gift to the children's hospital. So

the cafe is named after us? They want to hook these kids into the, and just like that, Enterprise Young. Right. All right, kids. Which one are you? Which one are you? Hey, kids, meet your favorite characters. Like Christopher Moltisanti. Omar.

And it's just big head characters of HBO actors. You know, Kevin's wife, my friend Kevin's wife, got hired to draw those big heads. Oh, that's nice. It's great. You know, it was really, that's why they're all riding skateboards and they have hearts for eyes. Wow, it's Michael Shannon's character from Boardwalk Empire.

Ooh, dream on, they say. They're excited to see the stars. Brian Ben-Ben, is that the star of dream on i'm gonna get better because arliss told me to arliss helped me kick cancer by the way i've never had ham ever you've never eaten ham no wow are you like a lifelong vegetarian i grew up jewish i mean i'm still jewish but i grew up in a household that was like mildly kosher. Okay. So I just never. Are you curious about ham? Do you eat meat as an adult? Rarely. Have you had other porks? I'm going to say I was pescatarian for 13 years and I gained weight. And so then I was like, you know what will cure this? The Atkins diet. I just

swung completely in the other direction. I died on an ice skating rink, came back. Didn't Atkins die on an ice skating rink, Dr. Atkins? I hope so. I don't know. I thought that was just a random detail and I thought it was the funniest thing I've ever heard. Now I'm a little, listen, still very funny. I was a little disappointed there was a logic to it. a little listen still very funny i was a little disappointed there was a logic to it yeah so have you had other like did you have bacon when you were on the atkins diet for example you know what i've had what secret pepperoni oh like you you tape it to the top of the top of your toilet tank

inside the tank and like take it out and eat it and put it back in. I'm hiding pepperoni like in Pulp Fiction in my ass with a watch. It's the only place God can't see. Remember the days when people would do a half and half pizza? Sure. You're at a birthday party when you're young. Have those days passed? Do people not do that anymore? I don't know.

I feel like maybe I just don't, I'm just not as social. I'm not sharing as many pizzas as I used to. Sure. You haven't been to Pizza and Pipes lately, the organ themed pizza restaurant. No. Yeah. So you blew it. Wait, that's so funny that you say organ.

My tarot name was maybe going to be Organa because I play an organ on stage. See, it's all coming around. It's all in the cards. I just pick any buzzword and run with it. I'm like, Capital One, Ham, Organs. Well, look, we have a lot of signature

segments on Jordan, Jessica. Ideas that we've thought of. We don't. That we've created as part of doing our daily pages or in the many writing meetings we have for the show. Just overall, through our creativity and hard work and dedication.

Diablo Cody, David Bammett. Yeah, just the- Our brain trust. Secret pepperoni. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about when there's a sliver on the wrong side because the pizza cutter went down

and it leaves like an eighth of pepperoni. So then you get just- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, that's the secret pepperoni you've had. You thought about picking it off, but then you just said, mommy deserves this. Right, right. Mommy deserves. Anyway, we think of a lot of great ideas for segments and then have people call in for

those segments. It's not just people calling in with some random shit they wanted to call in about and then naming it as though it were a segment. It's not that. It's our creativity. So Daniel, can you press play on one of these? Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and wonderful guest. This is Emily calling in from Ann Arbor for your very popular segment, A Plus Animal Minute. Earlier today, I was going for a jog, and first I ran past someone walking a cat on the leash.

Then I turned the corner, and there was someone else walking their giant fuzzy dog that kind of looks like a bear, which was great. And then just down the street, I ran past a house where they built something that kind of looks like a dog run with stones, but it wasn't for their dog. It was for their giant turtle who was out running there. And you know, it was a real great day. Love you guys. Love you too. Was it, was it running though? You love to hear about turtle agility. Yeah. You know, when you go to the Westminster Turtle Show,

you love to see the agility demonstrations more than anything. I mean, look, there's a lot of adorable breeds and certainly some of them are working breeds. You have your hunting turtles, your cattle turtles. But at the end of the day, for me, it's all about the athleticism. Right. Sure. I went to a turtle race for my show. They voted for me to go to a turtle race. How was it?

First of all, it was so packed. I had no idea. And this was in COVID times, right? This was post. I mean, we're still COVID times, right? This was post. I mean, we're still in it, right? I was vaccinated. Okay. This was post-vaccination.

Maybe in that little zone where we're like, maybe these vaccinations will keep us from getting it. And then we're like, you know, yeah, I know what you're talking about. Maybe even later. This wasn't like an illegal warehouse turtle race among like upper middle class, like affluent 23-year-olds in New York City. This was at an Irish bar on the west side called like Brennan's or Brendigan's or something like that. It was at Bennigan's. Yeah.

Turtles are all racing to eat bloated potato skins. It's time for us to race the turtles again. It was packed. And actually, before I went, someone raised the question like, I just don't know if it's right for the turtles. Like, how do they? Right. Like, do they have a career counselor?

Like, are they making choices that feel good to them in terms of their careers? I have to say, it was so loud. I was worried about the turtles because people were just, you know, they would let a turtle loose and it was like Coliseum style. You know, it was in the round like a Dane Cook special. One of the turtles has like a pike and one of the turtles has a trident and a net. I asked them, I go, where do the turtles actually live? And they go, oh, they live at the bar.

They're like, they run trivia night. They make the corned beef and cabbage. Right. But hey, if you're, listen, if your ladies left you, if you lost your job, you can sit down at that bar and tell that turtle your troubles. That's why they're called nature's listeners. Ho, ho, ho, says the turtle. Have you thought about having a wee leaf of lettuce? It always gives me a fair bit of comfort. Sure. A stiff drink of bush mills. Have you thought about getting hit by a truck on the highway?

That's what we love to do. Where are you sunning these days? You don't want to get shell rot, do you? Shell rot. When something momentous happens to you, we ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN. Or just send us a voice memo at jjgoatmaximumfun.org. Here's one momentous occasion. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, Jess, some charming, funny person.

I've never heard of before. I've fallen in with momentous occasions. You've heard of it. I was out at a metal show a couple of nights ago. Or not a couple of nights ago. I guess it was a couple of weeks ago by this point. And I was on a mock tip with a few dudes from some of the bands that were playing. You know, just a good night, having fun.

The third or fourth band that was playing, I ended up getting punched in the temple by someone behind me. Guy apologized. He's like, oh, sorry, I didn't mean to swing on you. I was like, oh, okay, yeah, that's fine, whatever. You know, gave him that whole, oh, my ex't mean to swing on you uh i was like okay yeah that's fine whatever you know gave him that whole oh my ex-wife punches harder than you do thing uh shrug it off then the very next song another stranger ended up punching me right uh in the nose so hard he chipped my tooth no apology from him he was like doing some kind of weird karate

dancing in the crowd uh was nowhere near, uh, I think he ended up getting thrown out after that. Cause everyone else is just having a good time just knocking each other around, you know, picking each other up off the floor. We knocked each other over, you know, good vibes mosh pit. And, uh, you know, this dude just started swinging all over the place. And, uh, it's two weeks later now. Uh, and my nose bone is kind of out of place and it's hard to clean my nose out now, but you know, I thought that was fun. I just got punched by two strangers in the span of like five minutes for doing absolutely nothing. The first time I wasn't even in the pit.

I was just at the front of the stage just watching them play. Anyway, you guys have a nice day. I mean, sounds fun to me. That's pretty much my definition of fun. I actually have this caller's uh gps uh routed through my computer and it looks like the show they were at was um crosby stills and nash yeah i don't know if i would call that metal yeah but i mean there's a thrash element sure yeah they play fast and hard for sure and there's no doubt about. I think it's cool that we have a listener who's not afraid to fuck shit up in the pit. Yeah. Or get fucked up by a stranger.

Right. Yeah. Outside of the pit. Maybe I'm being generous with fuck shit up. Who's not afraid to get fucked up in the pit and then call a podcast and whine about it later. Can I ask you both a question? Yeah. Let's say a stranger punched you in the temple. Then they said, I'm sorry, that punch wasn't intended for you. Would you be able to muster that kind of grace? Yeah. I think I would be afraid of this. I'm a fearful man, a coward. So I think I would be- A reluctant prince. man, a coward. So I think I would be... A reluctant prince. Sure. A real reluctant prince. And I think I would be so afraid at what a person like this is capable of. I think I would go to like, oh, if this is a man who is sneak punching people,

what else? This is someone who has a razor blade under their tongue. This is someone who this is someone who has a razor blade under their tongue. This is someone who, you know, will wait for you by your car. This is someone who has access to acid. Right. So I think I would... Not acid the drug, acid the... Oh, right. The thing that Russian spies pour on their enemies' faces.

Yeah, probably both, honestly. I think this person could be fucked up on acid and then splash me with corrosive acid. Right. But they'd be more likely to be fucked up on something you can buy at a gas station. Yes, exactly. Yeah. This is someone who knows how to get fucked up with stuff you can get at a 7-Eleven. Yeah. You know, Khalees was in the news, the singer Khalees. She's great. She was in the news for... She had a little back and forth with some of the Beehive, Beyonce singer Khalees. She's great. She was in the news for, she had a little back and forth with some of the Beehive, Beyonce's fans. And Khalees is just very cool and very bright. And it reminded me that I saw Khalees in concert many, many years ago, 20 years ago now at Maritime

Hall in San Francisco. She did an unannounced set on the OK Player Tour. The Roots were the headliner. And I had brought, my mom had expressed an interest in seeing the Roots. So I invited my mom to come with me to this show. It was a stand-up show and my mom was 60, I guess, something like that. And a woman tried to start a fight with my mom. And my mom shut her down so fucking fast and hard. My mom was ready to go. And I think my mom would have been right at home in this pit.

Yeah. I mean, you've seen my mom. My mom has it. My mom's the Vin Diesel of moms. Sure. My mom's a brawler. There's no doubt about it. She's made of pudding. She's broad shouldered. Yeah, she's 5'10", double pudding, the whole nine yards. She's like a jello jiggler relative to a standard jello. Lizzie, so what would you do were you to be punched in the head at a thing where you weren't

expecting to get punched? Bear spray. Yeah. Yeah. Anytime I go to a concert, I spray down the walls. Yeah. Someone did punch me by accident once. How did you react?

It was kind of funny. It was a boyfriend of mine was joking. Someone else gave me a teddy bear and he jokingly went to punch the teddy bear, but I was kind of standing. I moved and then I got the punch. Wow. I mean, that's, I don't know what's more upsetting. And I loved it.

You accidentally getting punched or him intending to punch a teddy bear. Right. Like those are both pretty dark. Yeah, he was kind of joking about it, but. Should we conference in Chuck for this? Oh my God. Let's see what Chuck has to say about this. He goes, can I get your email and I'll send you more information?

He said the bear spray makes it so that their mucus, like it affects all their glands. Like they basically become totally dried out and they can't take deep breaths. And it's the inability to inhale that stops them from attacking. And I guess after they've been sprayed, they don't come after you again. It just sends the message. Can I tell you what I think these bears could use? Somatic healing. If they just recognized the dryness of their mucus, greeted it warmly, let it pass, ate the hiker.

Honor the mucus, slaughter the hiker, shit in the woods. Jordan, you said you hadn't read the artist's way. I know. I was lying. I have read it. And I do know that the three tenets of the great artist are acknowledge the mucus, slaughter the hiker, shit in the woods. Yes. Sorry.

Isn't there some kind of measurement tool that looks like a capsule that has water in the middle? Do you know what I'm talking about? Like a level? Are you talking about like a level? That's what I feel like the feeling this journey is. It's water that's trapped. That's a good way to describe it. It's kind of sloshing around in there.

Yeah. A level. Yes, to hang a painting or something, right? Yeah. And I think what our anxiety all could use is a beautiful painting hanging upon it. Can I tell you, frankly, there is literally nothing in the world other than maybe like walking up to the edge of the Grand Canyon that more fills me with surname tightness than hanging a painting. I feel like I am going to get it wrong. I'm putting it in the wrong place.

This is permanent. I don't know how to fix the hole and make it look good again if to get it wrong. I'm putting it in the wrong place. This is permanent. I don't know how to fix the hole and make it look good again if I mess it up. You're like, I know I own my own home, but a landlord will probably yell at me no matter how much toothpaste I put in this. A hundred percent. One hundred. Have you switched out a light in an apartment? Like a fixture? Yeah, fixture. No. Showerhead is as far as I've gone. Okay.

I do recommend that. Look, if you're an apartment dweller, you're a renter, get yourself a nice showerhead. Easy to install, really going to upgrade your experience. You can take it with you when you move away. I did that. I still have a showerhead that past guest Joe Randazzo recommended to me when I was in an apartment with a bad showerhead. Yeah. Joe Randazzo took me to Amazon, got me this showerhead, and I take it to every apartment. It is that good. And he taught me to shave.

Yeah, exactly. Then he took me out for a catch. He explained sex to me. Came to your t-ball game. Finally came to my t-ball. Somebody came to my t-ball game. Jesus Christ. It's about time. I'm 40 years old and playing t-ball over here. Let's take a break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Well, a couple of things going on right now. Number one, there's an entire Jordan Jesse Goh live show available to you right now on the Maximum Fun YouTube channel.

You can watch the entire thing recorded live at MaxFunCon with 20 billion amazing guests. And if you're a MaxFun member, you can listen to the audio in the MaxFun member feed. And if you go on over there to maxfunstore.com on the front page, you've got about one week left to order our classic trash t-shirt. That's right. Celebrate your favorite classic trash,

a fishbone with the head still on, a banana peel and a can with the top of flippy flopping off. Classic trash t-shirt is only available until August 18th. So if you're listening to this before August 18th and want that handsome Classic Trash shirt, head on over to maxfundstore.com. It's right there on the front page. It's an incredible t-shirt. Only this week is when it's available. So go to maxfundstore.com, order yours now or forever hold your pee. Anybody who doesn't order it is a little something I like to call a chump. Go to MaxLundStore.com. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan

Jessica. Hey, it's John Moe, host of Depress Mode, a podcast about people's mental health journeys. Guess who we got? Guess who? It's Jamie Lee Curtis. I look at life now as the game of guess who, which is simply the process of elimination. I know what I don't like. That's how I found out who I am. Jamie Lee Curtis on addiction, show business, and fooling people, all on Depresh Mode forum Fun, wherever you get your podcasts. Well, Manolo, we have a show to promote. It's called Dr. Game Show. It's a family-friendly podcast where listeners submit games

and we play them with callers from around the world. Oh, sounds good. New episodes happen every other Wednesday on MaximumFun.org. It's a fast and loose oasis of absurd innocence and naivete. Are you writing a poem? No, I'm just saying things from my memory. And it's a nice break from reality.

Are we allowed to say that? I don't know. It sounds bad. It comes with a 100% happiness guarantee. It does not. Come for the games and stay for the chaos. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's la, la. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Lizzie Cooperman, eyelash curler. Lizzie, what a joy it has been to have you on the program. Lizzie is the host of Lizzie Cooperman's In Your Hands. Jordan was on it. Why not go listen to the episode with Jordan? Jordan's pretty funny. That guy's a talented guy. You probably like that guy.

Excellent episode. Jordan was incredible on it. Please. Yeah. Lizzie's hilarious, very emotionally warm and open. And the podcast really does have a pretty bonkers premise, which is Lizzie's listeners getting her to try new things, which is very cool. Yeah. I had a blast on the show and it is genuinely really funny and a real trip. So yeah. With Alison Rosen, who was excellent on it also. One of our faves. One of the greats. One of the greats. Lizzie, I'm excited for this tarot career of yours. Have you thought about adding caricature to the mix? No, I don't think I can do that. I feel like you're going to have to, I think that's going to have to be your next move.

Photo booth? What about a photo? Get yourself a photo booth. Bring it with you. Get some little mustaches on sticks, some feather boas so people can do a fun one. I think this is going to be great. Lizzie. Thank you.

Look, you're a great comic. There's no doubt about that. But the money is in photo booths and tarot readings and caricature work. Please don't conflate the two. Okay. I apologize. I apologize't conflate the two. Okay. I apologize. I apologize to all the pentacles out there. All the princes, kings.

Because yeah, you are available for readings. I'm available, yes. I would personally love to see in the Reddit comments for this episode, someone who has booked a tarot reading with Lizzie, detail their experience. So go do that. How many pentacles did you get? How many servings of gruel? Is there a place people should go if they wanted to book a tarot reading?

If you'd like a reading, you can go to my website, lizziecooperman.com, L-I-Z-Z-Y, Cooperman. I also have a full list of shows there as well. Including Montana, Bear Country. I see this August 20th on your calendar in Bozeman. Yes. Please come see me in Montana. I have calendar in Bozeman. Yes. Please come see me in Montana. I have no idea what to expect. I would love to see you there. Have you ever played the Mountain West?

I never have. No. I mean, I think people are going to be coming from Missoula to see this thing. Yeah. Idaho. I can only pray. Yeah. Boise.

Right. From Boise to Missoula. Maybe down from Canada. Oh, yeah. Which is near there, Boise. Right. From Boise to Missoula. Maybe down from Canada. Oh, yeah. Which is near there, I think. You know who I think's coming to this fucking show? I'll tell you. I think Huey Lewis is coming.

That would be great. That would be great to see you. Huey, we know you're listening. We know you're out there in Montana. Get to Cooperman's show. Last Best Comedy in Bozeman, Montana, August 20th. You love to laugh. What? Of course Huey loves to laugh. What is the power of love if not laughter?

I ask you. We need the news. I ask you, fair listener, what is the power of love if not laughter? What does it mean to be hip to be square if it does not mean to laugh? To laugh. Yes. To laugh, dear listener. To laugh.

What does it mean to sing the Impressions hit It's All Right, if not to see Lizzie Cooperman at the Last Best Comedy Club in Bozeman on August 20th? Lizzie's podcast is called Lizzie Cooperman's In Your Hands. It's been a delight to have you on the program. Thank you so much, Lizzie. Thank you so much for having me. I loved every second of it. I loved all the wildlife.

Come on, there's probably one you didn't like. Let's take some criticism here. Let's take some constructive criticism. What second of the podcast was your least favorite? I had to jump back in and clarify secret pepperoni. You're right. You're right. You're right.

You know what? I can hear that criticism. You mentioned secret pepperoni and we run past it without having you explain what it is. We just talk about putting it up our asses. Yeah. You know what, Lizzie? You're right. We should have followed up on secret pepperoni. That shouldn't have been your job. And this week before we go, we have something pretty important to talk about. And it involves Brian Fernandez. Brian, Sonny D. Fernandez, our longtime producer on the program. He's here with us.

Hey. Hey, guys. How's it going? Brian actually designed the beautiful classic trash shirt, and he's designed all of our great shirts that our listeners love. A gifted graphic designer, as well as a gifted producer and writer. Look, everybody in the Jordan Jesse Gohn audience knows and loves Brian, not least the folks who remember hearing his voice penetrating the walls of our recording studio when we were recording in real life together, but also for his many, many contributions to the show over the years.

It is a very sweet but bittersweet announcement that Brian will now be transitioning from producer of Jordan Jesse Go to producer emeritus of Jordan Jesse Go. So Brian, first and foremost, and above all else, thank you, buddy. Yeah, thanks for letting me do this for so long. You know, I feel like, you know, it's always recording Jordan just goes my favorite hour and a half, two hours of every week. And, you know, I've been really, I feel really lucky to have been part of something that's for this long, that has been such a constant and such a joy in my life. So, yeah, this is a hard day, you know? Yeah. We're always, I mean, I told you this when we talked about this the other day, but coming to work and seeing you, you're my favorite person to come to work and see. And you brought so much to this show over so many years, and we really could not be more grateful.

advising our new producer on the program, Daniel Zafran, on the direction of the show. Nobody knows Jordan Jesse Go like Brian, certainly not me and Jordan who forget what happened on the show literally seconds after it happens. Literally 20 seconds after it happens. I think you'll probably still see Brian around on the social media. I don't think there's anybody that's made Jordan Jesse go what it is more than Brian. And I mean, we've been working together a really long time. And yeah, we're just saying thank you to you, Brian. Brian's got a lot of career stuff going on, some podcast stuff, a lot of writing stuff. Brian, very successful television writer, as everyone knows. Maybe everyone doesn't know that. Brian is a very successful television writer. He's got a lot of that going on. We're hoping that bringing Daniel, our new producer, on board, he'll be able to expand the scope of the producer work and your membership money at

work and et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. But, you know, Brian has been doing Yeoman's work since we hired him for Next to No Money a thousand years ago, we've continued to pay him that same amount of money, almost none for low these many years. The main thing we want to say is, is thank you. Yeah. Brian has, has the best attitude in the business.

He's, he's the nicest guy you've ever met in your life and definitely did a great job of not only keeping the show going when it was in person, but also, you know, transitioning from in person to zoom, which was a huge, huge job. And yeah, and the fact that the show is still coming to you today is all Brian. So yeah, we love you, pal. And we know that the audience loves you. And yeah, we're looking forward to the next chapter to see what you contribute down the

line. Yeah, yeah. You know, just to kind of say a couple things about, you know, the show and what it's meant to me over the years, just real quick is I think our audience is a really special audience and it's whether they know it or not. I know we've been a part of their lives, but they have also been a big part of mine because every week I get to listen to, you know, the 10 to 20 to sometimes 30 momentous occasion calls that we get. And, you know, we put two on the air every week and they're the weird, wild, outlandish ones are the funny ones or the ones we haven't heard before. But for every one of those, we get a bunch of the, I just bought a new house or I'm having a baby or I'm moving to a new town

and I'm scared out of my mind. And it's always been really, really special for me to hear people call in that have such a connection to the show that they want to share their big thing with us. And we can't always put them on the air and always, you know, sort of feel bad about it. But we all get it. But you know, it's every week that is also like a really important thing to me. So, you know, we talk about it every now and again. But, you know, it's it's like a quiet little part of the show that I don't know that anybody really thinks about that much. But it is a quiet honor of mine to be able to, like, share those. And if I have time, respond. And it's

something that I've been really privileged to do. And and I think our audience, it's a really special show and it's a really special audience. And so that is something that I'm so happy that I'll be able to stick around and be a part of and like, you know, help out on the fringes and do what I can do as things get crazier in my life. And I can't, you know, put as much time or energy or effort into the show like I really want to or like it deserves. I'm super stoked to have Daniel on board here and to be able to do what I can when I can and still be a part of this thing. Because, you know, it is one of my favorite. I've had a lot of jobs and I've done a lot of things. But the constant of JJ Go in my life, especially through the

pandemic and as we've gone, you know, remote and it has ended up being a lot more work and a lot more hassle. And it's been harder and harder for me to fit into my life. I think the impact that it has on me and when we did the Walton Goggins song parody, and I got to listen to all those songs every week, and people were just like, one upping and one upping each other. And it was it was just like everyone coming together and doing something crazy and cool that I think could only happen on a thing like this that is impossible to describe to people at parties. You know, it's, I can't tell you how many times I've tried to tell somebody like, oh yeah, I work on this podcast that's, you know, it comes from the time before podcasts needed premises. You know when people make fun of podcasts? It's that one. But it's good. Yeah.

So, you know, it's, it never gets easier to describe this thing to people. But but it is it's always been a big part of my life and I'm really thankful for it. So thank you guys for creating something like this and for keeping it going. And for I know that you guys are very dedicated and very and bring so much of yourselves to the show. And I always tried to meet that and honor that with with my contribution to the show off mic and in the behind the scenes. And I always tried to meet that and honor that with my contribution to the show off mic and in the behind the scenes. And so I'm excited about what we can do going forward with Daniel on board and me kind of filling in the gaps around the fringes. So that's... Yeah. I think this is something we've talked about on air, but also something that we talk

about interpersonally is that we really do like the community of people who listens to this show. It's a real privilege that we do something on the internet that has attracted nice, cool people. And I think that the fact that they've embraced you, Brian, like they have is points in their favor. It really is proof how cool they actually are. And the fact that they love you as much as we do is, I think, a really cool aspect of our listeners. So yeah, we want to thank you for all the good vibes. And yeah, and thank you, Brian. And yeah, we're looking forward to working with Daniel. He's got a great podcast called LA Meekly.

It is an LA history podcast that you don't have to live in LA to enjoy. But if you do, you'll double enjoy it. And we're really looking forward to the next phase of the show. And hopefully a lot of cool, fun stuff coming your way in the coming months it's gonna be great jordan i don't know if you know this i know brian has heard this story one that i think of often when i think of the early days of my work you know i the maximum fun used to just be me jordan on the air doing jordan jesse go with me. And, you know, the Casper Hauser guys writing some sketches, audio recording them for me to produce. But like

functionally, it was me in this apartment in Koreatown and eventually a dog. And, you know, sometimes my wife, Teresa, and we had an internship program, which was a guy had emailed me and asked if he could be an intern. And I emailed him back and said, just so you know, I don't really have a job here. Was that Chris Bowman? That was the Tim, the guy before Chris, I think. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And so we had this, let's call it a fledgling internship program, which involved people who emailed me out of the blue and asked if they could hang out at my apartment while I made podcasts. I think when Brian applied for that program, maybe we got two applications and one of them was like a guy who didn't reply when we emailed him back.

So I asked Teresa to do this interview and interviewed Brian. And I went to Teresa after we interviewed Brian. And I mean, you know, anyone, anyone who's known Brian knows that the first time you meet him, you're a bit odd. And Teresa and I had this conversation that was the subject of the conversation. Is this fucking guy for real? We could not figure it out whether Brian was for real. We decided that our course of action was that we would have a second interview with Brian. We would say, we're interested in hiring you, but we have one question for you, which is, are you fucking for real? Basically, we didn't swear when we said it. And Brian pretty much said, yes, he was. And he absolutely was. And, you know, Brian and I worked together in my tiny apartment for quite a while. And that was before that was comfortably before Brian ever came to work on Jordan Jesse Go even.

Yeah, because you guys were recording it out of the second bedroom. And so you didn't need anyone, you know, when I think about that story, I think about two things. One of them is that the spirit that Brian brought to those conversations, of which I was deeply cynically suspicious, he has brought to every moment that we have worked together on this show and elsewhere in MaxFun. And it remains incredible to me. And besides that, as Maximum Fun has grown and Jordan and my careers have grown and we've all gone from being young idiots to middle-aged idiots, I have gotten to see Brian grow extraordinarily professionally from the kind of doofus who couldn't figure out how to make it through his last year of Christian college and who was, you know, I mean, like a lot of us in Los Angeles, like had a pretty decent idea of what he was running from, but not that great of an idea of what he was running to or how to run into an

incredible professional who's given this show and his other work, both in podcasting and elsewhere, um, his, his incredible skills and dedication and hard work. So thanks, Brian. We love you. I love you. And I'm glad that you're going to stick around and help us in the future. And, um, uh, thanks for already helping Daniel. And thanks for 10 or 100 years or however long it's been. It felt like 100, but I think it's been 12. I think it was September of 2010 or something like that, 2011.

Never forget, as they say. Yeah, never forget, never forget. Okay, well, it's bittersweet news, but we're not losing Brian entirely. Brian is producer emeritus of jordan jessica so i can't quit jj go i just can't yeah you can't unsubscribe no like so many before you and welcome aboard to daniel uh everybody be nice to daniel when you send in those emails and voicemails uh don't just tell him to go fuck himself because he's not Brian. I mean, obviously he can

go fuck himself because he's not Brian, but you know, he's Daniel. He's got new things to bring to the table. So thanks, Brian. We'll have, look, in a few months when the dust has settled, we'll have Brian as a guest and you can see what a talented, funny dude he is. Many of my fondest Brian memories involve the three of us in a cafe at 3 p.m. when we have an 8 p.m. show writing jokes together while Brian also throws together the PowerPoint to run behind us on the screen and does a fucking great job. So, yeah, Brian's got a lot to bring to the table yet. And thanks, bud. Our producer on Jordan, Jesse Go, Daniel Zafran, producer emeritus, Thanks, bud.

Our producer on Jordan, Jesse Go, Daniel Zafran. Producer Emeritus, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. You can find us on Reddit, maximumfun.reddit.com. You can find us on Twitter at jessethorn at jordan underscore morris. You can find us on Instagram at jordandavidmorris at put.this.on. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. If you want to give us a call, the phone number 206-984-4FUN. That's 206-984-4FUN. Or just send us a voice memo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org.

I think that's everything, Jordan. We'll talk to everybody next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. I'll hug you and kiss you and love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.