Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 76: Chick Positive Attitude

Episode Date: October 14, 2008

Jesse and Jordan are joined by the author Nick "The King of All Books" Hornby, name two different horses, and discuss how Jordan needs to be kinder.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, twiddle, doggie, twiddly, palm tree. This week, more discussion of the soccer team Arsenal than ever before or ever again.

Let's go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. With us today, international super celebrity author, king of all books, delightful charmer, foreign national, Nick Hornby. Welcome to the show, Nick. Good morning. Did you like that?

I loved it. It was completely extemporaneous i didn't i didn't write that out i know it sounded like i wrote it out i'm gonna get it on a t-shirt king of all authors i like that king of all now that's yeah he said king of books that's including books including encyclopedias that's including the bible you are the king you are the king of the bible even i mean not the king the Bible talks about. No, that's God. Is this broadcast in the South, this program?

Yes, it is. So I'm going to get shot by somebody now. Yeah, of course, because Southern people tend to shoot people who claim to be king of the Bible. That's a well-worn trope about Southern people. I'm not sure if that's actually true. Jordan, I have a quick question for you. Sure. So we were talking last week,

week before on the show, about a problem that you've been having in your life. This is what the problem is for your benefit. And for audience members who maybe don't obsessively listen to every episode. I'd like to see if I can help. Yeah, please. I mean, you're a helpful guy.

I'd like to think so. You've got a lot of, as king of books, you've got a lot of wisdom. And king of the authors. You know what you should do? Cut the problem in half. And then one gets one half and one gets the other. That's some kingly wisdom for you. Oh, that's good.

Thank you. Yeah. Biblical kingly wisdom. Hmm. Anyways. Fuck you, Jordan. How about that? That wasn't a, that wasn't a, I mean, I just have nothing to say to that. Anyways. Fuck you, Jordan. That wasn't a... I mean, I just have nothing to say to that.

Yeah, okay. That is in the Bible. I will confirm that. Okay. Anyway, something that I have found myself doing more and more lately is when someone kind of politely tries to engage me, I will just kind of say a mean comment and then detach from them.

And it's not from not liking the person, kind of even on the contrary. I mean, I think I could these days use more, you know, a more and broader circle of friends and acquaintances. And so it's definitely in my benefit to randomly talk to people. But for some reason, I just blow them off and turn, and I can't figure out why I do it. And I had another instance of this actually the night after we taped that podcast where I talked about it. This was, again, I was standing at a bar waiting for a drink. Up comes the cocktail waitress, very nice, good-looking young woman.

And she says, hey, did he just get hit with a ball? And I kind of didn't know what she was talking about. And then I looked up and I realized there was a baseball game on above me. And I just kind of looked at her and I'm like, oh, I didn't know the baseball game was on up there. So when you said that to me, you seemed insane. And I just like looked away. And you're married now? Yeah, we have a couple of kids.

Yeah, that's nice. She's great. We're thinking of getting a boat. So what possesses you? I don't know. I can't really explain it. I mean, there's the instinct to make a joke. Yeah.

That's a powerful instinct. Yeah, but I don't know how to. You know, here's what I think it is. It's the instinct to make a joke, but then maybe I don't have the skill to debrief them from the joke. When you're doing it the moment before, do you think this is going to sound cute? Yes. Yes, I think so i think i know that jordan what i'm not sure if that's true i i'm what i here's the part that i'm possibly disputing just based on my years of experience with you sure do you feel like you filter it to that extent or you're just reacting to the fact that a joke appeared in your mind and the correct reaction is to say it's maybe not to just think it um yeah i mean i don't know there yeah there

is a strong i mean it does come from a place of wanting approval and wanting engagement, but then when I listen to myself as I'm saying it, I kind of, I think to eject, you know. I don't know. If you analyze that particular example that you just gave me, the line, so I thought you were insane, as a joke, it's not the best joke, is it? No, uh-uh. It's not terribly funny either. is it? No, uh-uh. It's not terribly funny either.

So you just say to a nice girl, I thought you were mad, and you want some kind of approval for that. Yeah. Yes, I know. It sounds crazy when someone says it. In retrospect, it seems less than ideal, certainly. Yeah, it's not so much a crafted joke, is it? No. I don't know you well, but I can imagine you've had better one-liners than that.

Well, that might be the best. It's in the upper 70%, I'd say. And how did she react when she heard that she was crazy? Well, that's part of the problem, is that Jordan had already turned away. Yes. Already left. No, no, I mean, I did see the look on her face, and it was less than pleased. Not pleased.

It was upset. She was angry. She was mad at me. Do you feel like it was comprehending? Because sometimes I know when I'm in this position, and as I've admitted, I'm often in this position myself. often in this position myself, when I say something like that, people are less, they respond less negatively than they do

with a sort of bafflement. Like, what? What is that that you said, and why would someone say such a thing? I don't understand this in the context of human interactions. I guess, I think that the turning away might be more of a problem

than you think. Yeah. I think it is too. I mean, I think that the turning away might be more of a problem than you think. Yeah. I think it is too. I mean, I think that I mean, A, the ideal situation would be to not have said that. I mean, I guess if I was better at this, I would say you seemed insane.

And then just say like, hey, you know, I'm just kidding. Clearly, you have all of your faculties. You work in this lovely restaurant. That would be the conventional behavior is to just kind of slap her on the shoulder. Say, hey, I'm just kidding. Yeah, just joshing. And then you might get married.

Then we get married. But the turning your back. And plus you might find the slap on the back erotic. Exactly. Foreplay. Yeah, right. Chicks like broads like that kind of thing, right? They like slapping on the ass.

Like a little slapping, a little kissing. Yeah, Jordan's specialities are one-liners and sensuality. So, yeah. Did somebody, somebody on the message board, somebody on the Maximum Fun Forum was threatening to give you serious advice on this problem. And there was a lot of buildup to it. But that person, I don't remember who it was on the forum.

They asked you for permission to give you serious advice as though this wasn't a real problem in your life. And then I feel like they didn't deliver any advice on the topic. Oh, yeah. I haven't checked back on that. I don't know. No. I just looked at it this morning. There's no advice there which i say what the fuck yeah right come on i think one of the problems as far as advice goes is that these seem very um particular situations so there

isn't a general rule you can give about when you're in a bar and someone may or may not have been hit by a baseball on a TV screen above your head. Like what if the screen's below you? What if the screen's... Yeah, what if it's in the floor? What if it's some she-she bar where you look down at the TV? Maybe the flat screen TV embedded in the floor. I mean, obviously there's a cover, Nick. You're not walking on the screen in the television.

It's not that durable. It's a durability issue, ultimately. It's not that durable. It's a durability issue, ultimately. Nick, how do you... Do you have people approach you because they recognize you from book jackets? From your books? From your prose, your prose style? I talk in my prose style.

So once people get a couple of sample sentences, they tend to pick me up on that. Do people go, you say, aren't you John Cusack? That has never happened to me, unfortunately. I think that when you're a writer, it's just different if your face isn't, your face just isn't generally recognized in that way. My first book, Fever Pitch pitch which was about my football team and my relationship with my football team i i probably get recognized by more arsenal fans than any other group of people and and i've i've been on uh videos um about the club and things like that so i i tend to get recognized more if i go to a game. Like talking head type videos?

Is that what you're talking about? Like promotional? Yeah, if they're making a documentary about it. A DVD about the coach, then somebody will ring me up and say, will you talk about Arsenal's coach? And I'm always happy to talk about Arsenal's coach. Basically, you are

to Arsenal as Doris Kearns Goodwin is to... To Lincoln. Yeah. Yeah. Gotcha. Yeah. Gotcha.

Without quite as many words in me. Do they like you? Do the other Arsenal fans like you for being a celebrity Arsenal fan? There seems to be no discrimination when you're a sports fan. So you're on the right team. So that's it. You're automatically a good person they don't distinguish between good arsenal celebrity fans and bad arsenal celebrity that's the thing jordan

you need to get you need to get a kind of celebrity where the people have a built-in affinity and also a built-in social connection that's your that's your problem that is my problem people are coming like those people who came up to you in the lobby of the theater that you were referring to a couple weeks ago on the show, and then they said they liked your web videos. There's no built-in affinity between a web video creator and its viewer. So I should have created the web video on a more specific topic, is what you're saying? Yeah, something that they could totally relate to. And specifically, I'm talking about using Mac on a Photoshop.

Using Photoshop on a Mac. If you had done it about Photoshop, then other Mac Photoshop users, they relate to that. You know what I mean? Yeah, they don't gather once a fortnight, though, presumably. Yeah, they're't gather once a fortnight, though, presumably. Yeah, they're not drunk either. Maybe I'm sure it helps the camaraderie just a little bit. Right now, the dozens of Mac Photoshop users in our audience are like, actually, I am quite drunk right now,

and I happen to be at the Photoshop users group in Cupertino. The TGI Fridays. Yeah, that's where people listen to Jordan and Jesse go. I want you to know that. Our primary audience is computer user groups. Do you have anything you want to say to them? No. I have to take my headphones off and go back to London.

Do you think you've learned anything, Jordan? That's the question. Do you think that there's a new way for you to be in the world or are you do you remain completely lost yeah no i mean i mean i know what i have to do it i mean in all these situations that i've described i've kind of known what to do i just haven't done it i think it's just a matter of implicating the policy now you know yeah right is there anything you can do once you've delivered the disastrous one-liner and turned away? I mean, could you have... What about a funny dance?

So here's... This is a little bit visual, but mainly for your guys' benefit. Here's maybe what I could do if I do tell the joke and then turn away. I'm like, oh, so you seem insane. Gotcha. And I turn back around at a point. Just play by play on that just theater of the mind what jordan did is he turned away and then he got a devilish look on his face turned back and gave one of those hey points it was a very winning smile as well jordan's a winning guy

i've had braces i've had braces yeah did you tip her? No, she was not my waitress. She was just waiting on another table and I was at the bar. So it really was a random insult. I should have just given her a dollar after I said that. Here's a buck. I'm sorry. That could be your system, Jordan, since you're an affluent Hollywood celebrity type. Yeah, it's true.

As long as you tip well, I think you're in pretty good, you know? Can I ask you, Jordan, are you single? Sure, sure. I mean, you know, no. You're not single? No, so it wasn't a romance situation. No, but you managed not to alienate your current partner. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I didn't... You didn't mess that up when you first met. This is more of a... You probably tried, though. This is more of a... Yeah, this is more of a situation of friendship. I'm not looking for, you know. I was not looking for love.

I didn't want to pick this woman up at any time, but I could have forged a friendship that led to meeting up and stuff. You know what I found ever since I've gotten married? I feel very uncomfortable talking to women. I feel like when you get married, there's this part of me that feels like getting married was like, I picked this woman.

Now I'm done. Get out of here, women. Get out of here, women. Get out of my life. Unless it's transactional. Unless I'm buying a chicken or something. Or buying sex. Yeah.

Or buying intercourse. Yes. Buying just a few minutes of real personal connection you know like when i'm on the road or whatever and i just need someone to talk to who doesn't just want to talk about my fucking kids right um no but seriously like i find myself i i i don't know i like i look at a lady and i think well think, well, I shouldn't be attracted to this person or interested in them romantically at all, so that's out. And then I think, and if I'm not doing that, then I'm trying to be friends with them. Then if I'm trying to be friends with them, then I feel kind of awkward about that, too.

But then if I'm trying to be friends with them, then I feel kind of awkward about that, too. I haven't gotten to a place where I feel like my marriage allows me to be friends with ladies without it being an issue. You know what I mean? I guess that's possibly somewhere where it could go. But if that's somewhere where it could go, I haven't gotten there. So now I just like, I don't know. I feel like I should just write it off. Write off?

The whole subject. The gender. Yeah, that 51% of the world's population. If there's women in your life now, they can stay there, but you're not looking for any new ones. Yeah, I mean, frankly, if there was women in my life now, they're probably like the lady half of a couple's friend. Okay. That's about the only kind of lady that is entering my life and becoming a part of it at this point.

Lady half of a couple's friend. Do you think it would be arrogant if you began each conversation with the woman by saying, you do know I'm married, don't you? If you met Michelle Pfeiffer somewhere, you'd say, you do know I'm married, don't you? Do you think that could be taken the wrong way?

It could be taken the wrong way, but I don't think it would be arrogant. I think it would be merited. So maybe if you were in my situation, if the cocktail waitress came up to you and said, oh, hey, did that guy just get hit by a ball? You would say, you know I'm married, don't you? Yeah, exactly.

Because clearly she was coming on to you anyway. Right, yeah. I think it was just on to you anyway. Right, yeah. I think it was just a situation of it was a bar on a weeknight and it wasn't very crowded, so you just wanted to chat. So you do. So you'll do. Right, exactly. And maybe she legitimately

thought she saw... Anyway, whatever. We're beating the dead horse. I'm a jerk. I'm also a jerk. Let's be clear. We're all jerks. We're both jerks.. I'm a jerk. I'm also a jerk. Let's be clear. We're all jerks. We're both jerks. Sure. Not to mention somewhat misanthropic.

I'm not including myself in the circle of jerks. Oh, no. You're affable. You're affable. Because this guy's got so many fucking Arsenal fan buddies. I know. Jesus Christ. Okay.

Here's what I'm announcing right now, Jordan. Jesus Christ. Okay, here's what I'm announcing right now, Jordan. Other fans of the 1989 San Francisco Giants, people who know who Ernest Riles and Ken Obergefell are, we can be friends. We have an instant rapport. We'll talk about Don Caveman Robinson and Rick Big Daddy Russell and Scotty Garelts' mustache.

How about that? What happened to the 1989 Giants team? Did they do well? They made it to the World Series, but they lost to the A's. That was a very tough time. That was the year of the San Francisco earthquake that disrupted the World Series, and then the A's ended up sweeping the Giants.

But that's not the issue. The issue is they're National League champions. sweeping the Giants, but that's not the issue. The issue is they're National League champions. 1989 was an anus mirabilis for Arsenal as well. Really? Yeah. This is my best... Have I introduced you to my best buddy, Nick Hornby, over here?

No, you have not. He seems great. We both like... Sports in 1989. Sports in 1989. Exactly. I think I've told you about this, Jesse, and I don't know if I've talked about it on the podcast,

but I feel it bears bringing up now. Have we talked about the Halloween party I went to where the guy was dressed as the obscure Japanese video game character? I don't think so. Well, this is kind of a similar...

If we did, I blocked it out of my memory. Well, anyway, I think it bears bringing up. Nick, you said you automatically have this kind of a similar uh if we did i blocked it out yeah yeah yeah well anyways i think it bears bringing up you know nick you said you automatically have this kind of rapport with with with the arsenal fans and and uh i i don't i don't have any kind of sports that i follow but but i'm i'm a big video game enthusiast a big video game player and um uh you know and i i have a a specific kind of taste for the Japanese fighting game. It's kind of an out-of-style genre, but still something that I really like. It's something that people import or you kind of drive out to an arcade in a seedy part of town to play. And I would hope that...

You also memorize a lot of long strings of button combinations in order to do special moves. Yeah, and I would hope that there would be a similar camaraderie with people, but this is not the case. And I think the best example of this is I went to a Halloween party once and there was this guy dressed as a character for one of these games. It wasn't like he was in a group. He was in a group of people,

but he was the only Japanese fighting game character in the group. It wasn't like one guy was dressed as Ken, one guy was dressed as Ryu, and one guy was dressed as the yoga guy. Sure, no, this was a very... It was like Virginia Woolf and Thomas Jefferson. Yes, literary dandy Tom Wolfe. Sure, there was a Salvador Dali and then this guy. And the Japanese fighting video. Literary dandy Tom Wolfe. Sure.

There was a Salvador Dali and then this guy. And then Japanese fighting guy. So, yeah, he was in a group, very typical Halloween costumes. And he did a great job with this. It was kind of elaborate. He made his hair purple for the costume. Just did this to a T. And I went up to him and I'm like, hey,

that is a great costume. And with kind of the hopes of striking up conversation, he's just like, thanks, and then turned away. Turned his back. And you guys didn't get on. No, uh-oh. Like, I didn't really have anybody to talk to at this party.

But you were soulmates. I know, he was he was a turner a wire he was the thing ultimately here is i think people become one of the reasons people become sports fans is to connect with their peers their family their community yeah the primary reason that people start playing Japanese fighting games is because they're 12 and they have a lot of anger but not a lot of physical prowess. Right? Or 30 and no friends at all. Yeah. Or they've really hung on to that tightly. You know, those qualities.

But, yes, there is a certain amount of anger involved, I guess. So, yeah. Well, guys guys we have a lot more show to do we have to name some stuff we're going to name a horse etc uh we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go Love me longer. Love me longer. Love me longer. Love me longer. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Nick Hornby. I've forgotten my name. King of books. King of all books. King of all books. I did not even intend that to be a built-in nickname, Jordan. I want to make that clear.

If people out there are thinking, I tried to give Nick Hornby a nickname i did that was not my intent my intent was to give him a compelling introduction so that people would say hmm who's this nick hornby maybe i should check out his books maybe even his new book slam which is just out in paperback that's right you know what i mean that's what i thought people might do from that introduction i didn't know it would be a built-in. It's going to stick. It's going to be fantastic, especially once you get the T-shirt and the crown.

I'm looking forward to it. They always used to say Nick Hornby, author of High Fidelity, or Nick Hornby, confessional novelist. Now it's going to say Nick Hornby, king of all books. King of all books, exactly. In the London Times, it will say Nick Hornby, king of all books. King of all books, exactly. In the London Times, it will say, Nick Hornby, king of all books. Sad. Now, Nick, just so you know, lately on the program, Jordan and I have had this idea where we would like to name things for people.

One of the examples. You're very good at it. If people have, thank you. If people have a battleship, for example, we'd like to name that. Now, there are certain rules, obviously, with naval vessels. Some have to be named after states. Some have to be named after presidents and et cetera. But we're willing to work within those rules. But we're building up to a battleship. We named half a baby

on last week's program. Yeah, they let us pick the boy name. They had a girl name in mind. the boy name. Right. They had a girl name in mind. Yeah, I have a feeling from listening back to that, Jordan, I have a feeling that the wife is going to go secretly get the ultrasound, and if it's a boy, she's going to either terminate the pregnancy or possibly— Maybe go out to a cottage somewhere, have the baby, and then give it to a rural couple.

Yeah, exactly. Okay, but we have something now to name that is perhaps even more important than a baby. Joining us on the line from Sentinel Butte, North Dakota, which is one of the finest buttes in the Dakotas, is Cody. Cody, welcome to Jordan, Jesse, go. Hi, guys. How's it going? it's going fantastic and for you oh not too bad yeah you're in one of the top buttes i bet you're a darn fine every day is christmas tell us a little bit about sentinel butte north dakota what's it like around there how many people live there and whatnot um in the actual town of Sentinel Buttes, there's about 50 people. I live about 15 miles north of the actual town on a ranch. Just got too crowded for you there? Pretty much.

On the family ranch and just enjoying the country. So for the most part, what kind of stuff do people do in Sentinel Butte? Some ranching, podcast listening, and dot, dot, dot. And a lot of humming and fishing. Humming, huh? Sounds neat. No, humming does sound like a fun thing to do. I mean, if I was out there in the country, your hums travel farther. And you can do it as loud as you want.

Absolutely. Nobody knocks on the wall. You don't have to do it like under your... I know that's been a problem for you, Nick, living in... In London. Yeah. You can't hum at the volume you want to. Right. I understand that completely.

Well, Cody, tell us what you have asked us to name. Okay, I have a two-year-old horse that I've got that she doesn't really have a name. And I'm wanting you guys' expertise on all things naming to name it. Not to mention all things equine. Yes, of course. Okay, so what is this? Well, I guess this is my first question. Is this a meat horse?

This is to be used for meat, right? No, it's a riding horse. Is this a meat horse or a glue horse? Neither is a riding horse. Is this a horse you're going to hit with a stick at a party so candy comes out? Is this one of those? No, it's not a festive pinata horse. It's a regular horse.

So you'll be making this horse into the key ingredient in Jell-O. Is that correct? Possibly if things don't work out with the horse, it might become Jell-O. Okay, so it's a riding horse. Is it a horse that you ride for pleasure or for ranching-related activities? For both. Okay. What's an example of a ranching activity that this horse might participate in? Going out in the pasture, bringing cattle in from the pasture to the corral, roping cattle, things of that nature.

I call it roping doggies. Is that okay? That's all right. Okay. I just wanted to run it by you in case that wasn't okay. Oh, you know what a cool t-shirt would be? Roping doggies, smoking stogies. Wouldn't that be a good shirt?

That would be awesome. That would be a good lifestyle. Sure, I like that shirt. That covers all the bases. Yeah, all the important stuff. Tell us a little about it. So now it's a lady horse. Are there any horse naming conventions that we should be aware of,

or do we have to call this something really complicated like a racehorse would be? No, nothing like that. She's just a regular horse, so no fancy names are required. Just something that the horse can kind of learn. Just like with your dog Coco, nothing fancy or anything that's required. Gotcha. What kind of temperament does this horse have? She's a pretty easygoing horse.

She's really intense when you are working cattle on her, but she's pretty easygoing and never has tried to buck me off or anything like that. She's just a good horse. Do you think she hates the cattle and that's why she's doing this? No, I just think think she hates the cattle and that's why she's doing this no i just think she enjoys the enjoys chasing the cattle and cody what have you been calling her um for the last two years um well i've had her for about a year now and i've been calling her taco but taco yes is that because she's a meat horse? I knew that was going to come.

Sorry, I felt obliged to say it. No, just because she's, I don't know, it's kind of what I called her one day, and that's just what I've been calling her since. But you're sick of that now? Yeah. Yeah. Sounds like he never really felt that good about it. What color is Tarko?

She's kind of a, she's a thorough horse, which, you know, she's a brown horse. Okay. White horse. You know, like a lot of people in this great country, I was really disappointed when Hillary Clinton lost in the Democratic primaries because we lost an opportunity to have our first woman president. So I'm just going to throw out as a possibility, and I wonder what the two of you guys think, of naming this female horse president, thus having our first female president, and also freeing up Hillary Clinton partisans to vote for Barack Obama. Yeah. Or John McCain, should they so choose.

Natch. Yeah, I like that. I mean, yeah, and, you know, I don't know if... Or Hillary. Could you call the horse Hillary? That's a little mean-spirited. It could be seen as derogatory to the horse. Hello!

Hello! Hello! I don't really feel that way. I want to be clear that I don't feel that way at all. I think it's too late. It was a good zing, though. People stop the podcast right after you said that. They're going to come away with you thinking

you're a huge jerk. Well, they'd just turn it off then, wouldn't they? Yeah. Yeah. What do you think, Jordan? Yeah. No, no. You know, I like President, especially, I don't know if you have young girls or anything,

but it will, you know, it'll inspire them. Sure, the idea of a woman president. If you don't want to go that far well how about senator yes senator's pretty senator of course we should explain that uh unlike england the united states is what's called a democracy in which uh we go to what's called a polling place and vote to select our leaders a senator would be sort of like a minor king. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah.

Maybe a dutch, a duchess? Sure. Nick, do you have any feelings? How do you, anything come to mind? Is there a... Well, like Jesse, I'm a soul music fan, so I was thinking about some of our great female soul singers. Aretha would be a nice name. Aretha would be very nice.

That's a very lovely name. That's a good horse name. We could name it after Past Sound of Young America guest Betty Davis, but then it might move to Pittsburgh and become a hermit for 20 years. Sure, if you want that. Can't keep up with his ranching duties. Yeah, plus it would make it really hard to interview. Yeah.

You know, I vote Aretha. I think that's how we should go. I'd be so proud if I just swanned in here for one episode And I hit with a name Started daving horses It's, you know, Aretha is the queen of soul

Sure So it remains The king of books meets the queen of soul The queen of soul How do you feel about Aretha, Cody? Not that it's your choice. No, you gave us the power. I think that sounds good.

Done. Aretha it is. Aretha, the best horse in all of Sentinel Butte, North Dakota. I could go back to London a very happy man. I've named a horse in North Dakota. Yeah, if you ever go there. From my own imagination and creativity you know what we're doing right now Cody

we are giving amazing anecdotes to Nick Hornby right now to use later on when he goes on Colin Ferguson Craig Ferguson it's Colin Ferguson the name of Colin Farrell the villain from Daredevil

I think you've given me a book this is a novel Ferguson. The city of Colin Farrell. The villain from Daredevil. I think you've given me a book. This is a novel. This morning. I've never written a novel about a horse. It's sort of a sequel to Misty of Chincoteague. Aretha of Sentinel Butte. Okay, well thanks so much, Cody.

Well, thanks. I'll take a picture of Aretha and put it on Maxim, Cody. Oh, thanks. I'll take a picture of Aretha and put it on Maximum Fun. Yeah, put it up on the forum. Write on her with a marker. Fantastic. Wait a minute. What? Write her name on her with a marker.

No, you can't write on a horse with a marker. Horses are fine with it. They're fine with it. Okay, we'll talk to you later, Cody. Oh, thanks, guys. You have a good one. You too. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. And Nick Hornby, King of Books or Authors.

I can't remember. King of Books. Yeah, you're the King of Books. Make it as broad as possible. Yeah, absolutely. We're trying to stretch it out. In fact, pretty soon you might even expand into other media. It's true.

I might be King of Film. I was thinking maybe e-books. King of e-books. Like on a Kindle, for example. It's a kingdom I might be king of film. I was thinking maybe e-books. King of e-books. Like on a Kindle, for example. It's a kingdom not worth having. What? You don't want to be up there with a literary greats like conspiracy theory guy? What other kind of e-books are there? Search engine optimization expert. Oh, okay.

You could also be up there with search engine optimization expert, Nick. Okay. I'll take that. Nick Hornby right now is the king of adult and young adult fiction. So that's pretty good. Stretching two sections of the library and king of naming so far this morning so far you did name the previous horse however however it is not the day is not done nick uh let's welcome to the program uh kelly from malacca minnesota i wrote

it down then forgot how it was pronounced kelly i hope i didn't mispronounce it uh you might know her jordan is k fury from the maximum fun forum oh i do uh she's always she's often posting delightful pictures when the topic of donks came up on jordan jesse go a donk just so you know nick is a type of miniature donkey. Really? I did not know that. Well, we shouldn't get into it because I will just gush. Okay. But when the topic of donks came up, Kelly was kind enough. It turns out Kelly not only has a farm, but it has donks on it.

It's a part. I wouldn't say it's necessarily. I don't know. Kelly, would you say that it's a donk farm? Well, I've only got one donk. I have a full-sized donkey as well, but it's mostly horses. So would you say, but here's the thing, if you have a donk, it's sort of like in Spanish, I recently learned that if you're referring to a group of people and there's one male in this group of people, then you use the male, you use the, then the whole group of people is

referred to as being male. It's a gendered language. I think it's possible that if you have a farm with one donk on it, you refer to it as a donk farm. I don't know if that's... He's pretty extra special. What's the donk's name? Edison.

Oh, man, that's a nice donk, huh? That's a good donk. That's a really good donk. We're feeling intimidated already. Yeah, you're a good namer. You don't need us. Just a moment ago, Kelly, we named a full size horse. Tell us

what you have asked us to name. Well, I just got a new miniature horse this morning she's about three months old and she doesn't have a name yet I have a totally original idea that I just created myself okay Aretha jr. totally original out of the ether Wow that's really that one tastic that's pretty good now tell us a little bit about this miniature horse because this mini this mini horse is not your first mini horse if i'm not mistaken no no i i have two other ones one is colored just like her and i kind of bought her

to breed with him later he's a soul and white paint, and she is also, and his name is Tesla. How about fuck buddy? No. George, that's horrible. You're right. Dorn horse buddy. Okay. Cool. Excuse them, Kelly. I'm so sorry. sorry about this kelly it's okay the other one's

name is pom-pom she's black and white oh so wait so you have so you've always so you you've got uh you've already got one named edison you've got an edison you've got a tesla which is what we actually named someone's guitar last week then they went on the message board to complain about it what a bunch of bullshit that's a good name um it's a great name now when you said when you said that one was named edison i thought well the natural name for the other one is tesla no when you said one was named tesla i thought the natural name for the other one was edison but i didn't know you already had an edison i already did it do you think westinghouse would be appropriate yeah do you want all electricity themed names well i was going more

for science because when we got tesla my dad's friend had another one that was at my house for about a year i was halter training him and we we named him Tycho after Tycho Brahe. I don't know. Who's that? Who's that? He was an astronomer. He, like, had an island and midget servants. He was really strange.

Cool. What about midget servant as a possible name? He was a tiny horse. He was pretty small. Yeah. See, science, I'm really off my yeah off my field

are you sure I would say periodic table of elements off the top of my head that's not a name for a horse though I'd say Byzantium but I'm pretty sure

that's a historical period yeah you need a Byzantine what about Primo after Primo Levy who wrote the periodic table or Prima?

Or how about this? Primo after legendary hip hop producer DJ Premier. I just lost Nick. I thought I could get Nick to follow me there but he didn't. I'm sorry. But also I'm

noticing Kelly's reluctance. Kelly really seems to want a science-themed name. What's some good science stuff? Whatever you guys pick, that's what we're going to call it. Oh, wow, she's committed to this. What about Mrs. Wizard? What was the name of the woman who was involved in... Marie Curie?

No, not Marie Curie. Involved in... Hillary Clinton. Early computers and adding machines. Somebody wrote a book about her. Yeah. Jordan, what do you got? I was going to say Jane Adding Machine. It's really annoying.

Working on that, though. She was Byron's niece. Yeah, no, sure. I know what you're talking about, but I don't know what her name is. She's got an unusual first name. Lord Byron's niece. Yeah, no, sure. I know what you're talking about, but I don't know what her name is. She's got an unusual first name. Lord Byron's niece? Yeah. Okay.

Let's see. Bunsen Burner. Bunsen. Bunsen's kind of nice. Yeah, Bunsen's, especially for, it's got a kind of stubby feel to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure. Is it too boy a name, thoughby feel to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure. It does sound like something little. Is it too boy a name, though?

Is that too male a name? Bunsen? It does sound male. It sounds like a butler. Yeah. Hmm. Jesse's looking into this whole... Yeah, I can't even... Oh, wait.

Byron's computer programmer daughter. Daughter. Okay, here we go. Let me look. I'm opening it up. They're no less a source than the new york times wow okay um ada lovelace lovelace lovelace what about that that's good yeah i like that it's maybe or aida aida's quite good pornographic? Yes, well, there is that. There is the Linda. Oh, yeah, star of Deep Throat. If Ada hadn't had a daughter

called Linda, we'd be laughing. Yeah. Ada's quite kind of stubby. What about Osborne 1? What's that? It's an early portable computer. How about tandy sensation

dot matrix printer in television i'm leaning towards in television right now oh miss pac-man miss pac-man's pretty good wait a minute we're getting way off track here it's not really science short list Ada is on the short list that's all we've got on the short list what about Bunsen Ada, Bunsen any other scientists hmm yeah not our forte

no Copernicus Copernicus that is a scientist Hmm. Hmm. Yeah. Not our forte. No. That's poor, isn't it? Copernicus. Yeah. Copernicus. That is a scientist. It's not a crazy scientist. It sounds like she's mostly based on this fellow with the midgets and Tesla.

She's keen on crazy scientists specifically, like mad scientists. We do go for the crazy. Are there any from fiction? specifically, like mad scientists. We do go for the crazy. What about crazy Ada? Yeah. What about crazy scientists? Adult Ada. Yeah. Are there any fictional crazy scientists we can think of?

Oh, no, that's good. Dr. Colossus. Who. Dr. Colossus. Who's Dr. Colossus? He's a Marvel villain. Video game character. Yeah. Yeah, it's just a guy from Street Fighter 3, Alpha, the streets of Tokyo, up, down, up, down, A, B, A, B.

Yes, all the time the button commands are in the title, Jesse. Shows how much you know about fighting games. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I'm feeling superior. What about Nintendo Power? Yeah. What about Super Nintendo? That's a funny name for a mini-horror.

Super Nintendo. Come on, guys. Nintendo. Yeah, Nintendo. It's the girl's name. Nintendo. Nintendo. Kind of like Nintendo. It's the girl's name. Kind of like Nintendo.

How do you feel about Nintendo? How committed are you to that, Nick? Well, I'm committed to anything that Kelly likes because I'm really aiming for a double here. Your last one was really classy. Yeah. So you can afford to get down in the gutter on this one nintendo's a white trash miniature horse yeah works at a jet ski store oh man what's okay have

you have you thought of any possibilities thus far have you brainstormed anything no we totally refused to think of anything because we were going to let you guys do it. Oh, that was, it seems like that was a horrible mistake. Yeah. At this point, what about Amelia Earhart? Is that a scientist? Amelia. She navigates. As close to scientist as we get.

Yeah. Well, some of my bigger horses have Roman names. Oh, Roman names. Yeah, okay. I was going to maybe say Sally Ride, but it's a. Oh, Roman names. Yeah, okay. I was going to maybe say Sally Ride, but it's a little too on the nose. Yeah. Sid Caesar? Is that something?

Treasure Bath? Can we name her Treasure Bath? Medusa? I'm going back to Treasure Bath. I'm sticking with Treasure bath from here on out what's treasure i don't even know what that is well that's what uh that's what dom deluise as caesar takes in history of the world part one by mel brooks oh a treasure bath so it turns out that roman history isn't going to be one of our four tables. No. We just keep being unlucky, I think.

Yeah. It's nothing to do with general ignorance. No, I think it has to do with general ignorance as well. Don't get too broad with your statements here. You know, at the risk of letting Nick show me slash us up on our own show, I think Ada might be the way to go yeah I think Ada is the way to go too are you down with Ada?

yeah it's a classic this is not your choice this is not your choice Kelly cram it these people these people we're trying to have a conversation these people think

the owner of the horse keeps interrupting. Just because they donate to pay my rent and listen to my program and thoughtfully call in and give us this ridiculous power over the name of a living being, they can have some sort of say into it. It's outrageous. It is outrageous. I am outraged. Ada? Don't forget, I'm also skipping work right now.

And skipping work. Okay, but seriously, all that bullshit aside, skipping work, donating, etc. Nick, what do you think of Ada? Well, I like Ada and I'd be very happy if Kelly called her little horse Ada.

I think it's done. Kelly, Ada, what do you think? That's it. Done. Boom! Wow. Nick Hornby's shooting for the hat trick. Do we have anything else to name? We'll name something else soon. Kelly, do you think you can post a picture of Ada on the Maximum

Fun Forum? I should have some pictures by tomorrow. Write on it with a marker. Jordan wants you to write... On the pony or on the picture? No, on the pony. Jordan wants you to write Ada. He wants you to write Ada because that's the mini's new name.

I might have to use paint to write on the picture, but I'll work at it. Fine. Thank you. Use that body paint like in Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.

Or can you brand it? Can you brand it with a red hot something or other? Put Ada on the side. Yeah, just put it right there on the side. Do you still do that on? You do that. Well, not for regular horses, but certainly for many horses because they're so easy to rustle.

More or less toasted. Well, she's a lot smaller, so we just pick her up. Oh. Do you ever give her a hug or give her a kiss? I've only had her for about two hours, but I did hug her once. Yes. Oh, wow. If I'm ever in Malacca, Minnesota, can I pick her up and give her a kiss?

If she's not too heavy by then. You can definitely pick up the donk. He's light enough all the time. Oh, yes. I want to pick up this donk. You've got to pick up the donk, man. Okay. Oh, yes. I want to pick up this donk. Gotta pick up the donk, man. Okay, well, Kelly, thank you so much for taking the time to have us capriciously name your living creature and also inexplicably berate you.

Well, thanks for taking the naming off my hands. We'll talk to you another time, Kelly. Thank you, Kelly. Bye, guys. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. It's Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Nick Cornby, king of all books. We can put the medallion on the front of your books. We'll make a king of all

books medallion. Gold foil, embossed. I think I am entitled to it. Yeah, not just, I mean, legally in addition to morally. Yes, absolutely. You've always been morally entitled to it because of the way you comport yourself in your day-to-day life. Exactly. A wise and just king. day life exactly a wise and just king okay as we were talking uh it's kind of off mic we were talking about um you know the oprah's book club medallion that one gets and then uh jesse actually mentioned maybe wanting to have you know a quote of his on a book jacket sometime right uh i was

approached one time i mean i i for nick i um i I do some entertainment reporting for a super deep cable TV show. So I go to a lot of press junkets and stuff like that. And I see a lot of movies in advance. I'm seeing Max Payne tonight for free, by the way. Real excited that I don't have to pay for it. I was kind of going to see it anyways, but now I get to go with the excuse that I'm going for work, which is great. And one time the publicity company called me and asked me for a quote, and I was so excited. And I said, like, can I email it to you? I need a while to think about this.

And I wanted it so bad. It was for the movie The Whackness. Was that on your guys' radar? Because you really liked The Whackness. Yeah, I thought The Whackness. Uh-huh. Was that on your guys' radar? Because you really liked the Wackness. Yeah, I thought the Wackness was pretty good. I didn't, you know, not a great movie, but a very good one and a good I think first movie from the guy who directed it.

God, I'm like, fuck, what can I say? What can I say? I just want to be in the paper. Just want to be in the paper. I've thrown integrity out the window. You're trying to be the next Wireless Networks. Yeah, right, trying to be the next wireless networks. Yeah, right.

Exactly. Or the next Larry King. Yeah. Um, uh, and I, uh, and my,

and in my total selling out in total, just wanting to be in the paper, uh, for the movie, the whackness part of my little review included, there's nothing whack about this movie. Like really? Right. Wouldn't they put that in the paper? Isn't that perfect? wackness. Part of my little review included there's nothing wack about this movie. I'm like, really, right? Wouldn't they put that in the paper?

Isn't that perfect? And did they? No! So maybe not perfect. Although maybe I didn't scour everybody. For their purposes. Yeah, right? I thought it was. I like quote stories. You must be get asked to blurb stuff all the time, Nick.

Yeah, there's a lot of blurb stuff that goes on. I don't do it anymore because what changed for me was that a friend, who shall remain nameless, asked for a quote. Updike? The book was terrible, yeah. Literary dandy Tom Wolf. It was Updike, and it was not one of his best books. And I had to say, John, I'm sorry. And then I just suddenly said, I'm not doing this anymore.

I don't do quotes anymore. And I had to stick to it because John's a friend. And so every time after that, if I ever did a quote, my friend would. But you know what? Seriously, though, Nick. I mean, Updike is friends with everybody but that duplicitous fuck isn't really isn't really friends with anybody yeah well you say that you don't know how john and i get on well if it's anything like the way me and john get on he tells you one thing out one ear and then

you hear about something he said about you to literary dandy Tom Wolfe from a third, from Amy Tan who was talking to Tom Wolfe. You know what I mean? Everybody's been fucking Don DeLillo. John, I'm not involved in this conversation. This is Jordan and Jesse.

One time it was my job to gather those quotes because some friends of mine wrote a book. My friends in Casper Hauser, the Casper Hauser comedy group, wrote this book, Sky Mall, which, by the way, is fucking amazing. And I keep meeting people who haven't bought it.

And if you haven't bought it, you're a fucking idiot because it's so amazing and great. And so we were like, well, who can we get quotes from? So we sent a copy to all these people who I kind of like tangentially knew through the radio show, like somebody that I've met and has been on the radio show before and I can email them, but like a Patton Oswalt or something like that. And several of those people came through really big. And the best one to come through from that was Dave Barry, who's a friend of mine is partners with his brother and in a band with

him. And so I asked her, hey, could we send this book to Dave Barry? Would he look at it? And we got this good thing from it. And their dream was to get a quote from, their two dreams were to get a quote from George Saunders, which they didn't have much of a trouble with because they were able to get it to him directly. And their other dream was to get it from David Foster Wallace, the late David Foster Wallace. He was alive at the time, so it wasn't as much of a dream then as it would be now. And they actually just sent him an email. Everyone at their publisher wouldn't. They said, he doesn't do it. He won't do it. Like, he never, ever does it. And they thought, well, he's a college professor, so he has a public email address because he has to give it to his students and stuff.

So they just sent it to, you know, like david.foster.wallace at, you know, pomona.edu or whichever college it was that he was teaching at at the time. And he totally quoted it. it was that he was teaching at at the time. And he totally quoted it. So they have the distinction of having the book with blurbs from both Dave Barry and David Foster Wallace. That's pretty cool. American humor's top two Daves.

You know, the English writer Evelyn Waugh, his son Oberon, who was a very funny satirist he used to write for Private Eye and these English magazines. And he used to get a lot of requests for blurbs. And he always used to give them a blurb, and it always said the same thing,

which is, this is the best possible book on this or any other subject. And I thought that was genius, because it's like printing a million pound notes. It immediately devalues the currency, and it looks like an act of generosity. But there are all these books, and this is the best book ever on any subject.

So that's a good way out. Well, you're the best Jordan're the best um uh jordan jesse go uh co-host sit-in guest in this or shit jordan help me out here you're cool there you go this week yeah you are this week's best guest let's um let's go to the telephones. We've got some exciting calls this week. And Casey, once again, intern Casey, screened the calls for us this week. So I don't know. They're as much of a surprise to me as they are to you guys. Let's go to the telephones.

Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. Hi, Go. I have to call and say how disappointed I was. This is Rebecca from Brooklyn. And when you were going through and naming all the things and you named the ghosts and talked about naming them after books in junior high school, Jesse, I can't believe you didn't bring up Misty of Tinkertig.

I was screaming it at my iPod. You should really reconsider. Thanks. Well, she'll be happy to know that earlier in this very same episode, I talked about Misty of Chincoteague. You know, I think... Not in a naming context, though. Yeah, you didn't name anything that.

Quick, name something Misty of Chincoteague. Okay, you know, there's a band that called in this week, Casey, that needed us to name them, and we didn't play the call. But do you remember anything about the band, Casey, just for distinguishing? They're from Nashville. Okay. If you're the band from Nashville that needed the name, your name is Misty of Chincoteague.

I think it would be better if it was a baby. Yeah. If you're the parents who called in asking for a name for a baby, your baby is called Misty of... How do you say it? So if it's like Chincoteague. Chincoteague. Well, let's say it was a Smith.

That's its first name, too. It still needs a middle name. It would be known as M.O.C. Smith, they'd call it. Do you think? That's what they'd probably call it? That's a good author name, M.O.C. Smith. That is a good author name. It would be good if she decided, you know, as like an impetuous teenager to go by her middle name,

and instead of choosing Chincoteague, she chose of. Of. Just went by of. That would be good. Okay, now, in the recent weeks on the program, for your benefit, Nick, we've been talking about presidential candidates. And not the about presidential candidates, and not the actual presidential candidates, but who we would like to have as a presidential slate, who is not a politician and

possibly not even qualified to run for president. Certainly not qualified to be president, but perhaps not even alive or a United States citizen or over the age of 35. So far, the leader of the pack is Juanita, a really nice lady who works at the DMV, who's in my Spanish class at Los Angeles City College. Who, by the way, I talked to yesterday and has agreed to come and be on Jordan Jesse Go. I don't know if that's a good idea. I think it is a good idea. She said she thought it was a great idea because she loves to talk and joke and have fun.

Her words. This is the wrong show for her then. Juanita is such a cool lady, man. Jordan, you're going to love Juanita so much. She is so cool. I mean, seriously, everybody loves her. I am just a barnacle on this ship. Obviously, Jordan, I make light of Juanita's role every seriously everybody loved like i'm i am just a barnacle on this ship obviously jordan i'm i'm

making i make light of uh you know juanita's role in the class and my relationship with juanita for the sake of humor but the fact of the matter is that there's no person on this earth who has met juanita and doesn't think she's fantastic she's the light of this classroom she's a beacon of joy and bad at Spanishness that we're all drawn to. Literally, if you look up winning attitude in the dictionary, there's a picture of Juanita. Okay, well. I wish I could be here. I know. It's going to be great.

I know. Your life is at least 5% less good because you will never meet Juanita. Okay, but we have one more presidential candidate. Hi, Jordan, Jesse Goh. My candidate for president is the reanimated corpse of Mr. Rogers. Three reasons. First, he'll change his sweater and shoes before he tries to eat your flesh. His moaning is probably going to be pretty sing-songy compared to those other zombies, and he'll bring a sense of make-believe and wonder

to a world where the dead have come back to life. Thanks a lot, guys. Love the show. I don't know. I feel like if he's going to come back from the dead, it's going to be as a friendly ghost of some kind. Yeah, this guy seems to be operating under the assumption that America's demanding a zombie president. He's like, listen, the best zombie is Mr. Rogers. No, no one asked for a zombie president, dude.

Why are you picking the best one? Nick Hornby looks kind of interested in the prospect of a zombie president. I'm not sure who Mr. Rogers is. You're kidding me. No. It's because you're from England. Yeah. Oh, my God. I hope it's that you're from england yeah oh my god mr rogers

it's that and he's not like charles dickens mr rogers is uh the most beloved public television personality in the history of public television here in the united states he's a children's show host um who was also a minister i want to to say he was a Lutheran minister, but his show had no religious content in it. Literally the kindest person. He's like, he's almost like, his kindness was so expansive, he passed maybe five years ago,

that it almost explodes the brain to think about. like as an adult when you watch it like as a child it seems normal in some way but as an adult you just think how can this man be this loving and kind he um he also had uh he had puppets on his show and he did the voices for all the puppets, but it was just his voice very slightly altered. Yeah, which doesn't register as a kid. He's also where I learned how crayons are made. Is that right? Yeah, which has been very important to me, just in my

own self-definition. It doesn't seem much to show for years of watching Mr. Rogers. In terms of information. Now that you're a young adult novelist, Nick, you're a guiding light to America's teens. America's disaffected

skateboarding teenagers. Now that you've written a book about what happens when one teenager gets another teenager pregnant and skateboards, it's your responsibility to change your shoes and change into a cardigan whenever you come into the house,

just like Mr. Rogers did. I think that Mr. Rogers, it sounds to me as though he'd lose a lot of the point of himself if he were a zombie. Yeah, that's why I was thinking maybe friendly ghost. Yeah. Because zombies are, I think by nature, not generous. Do you guys know...

At least an affable spook. Yeah. Jordan, do you know if he was mummified at all? Because it's possible he could come back as a mummy, as a living mummy.

Yeah, I don't know what happened to Mr. Rogers' corpse, honestly. Meow, meow, brains. Meow, meow. I just thought of that. Cat puppet.

The cat puppet would say that. Henrietta Pussycat would say, meow, meow, something, meow, meow. I just thought of that. Cat puppet. The cat puppet would say that. Henrietta Pussycat would say, meow, meow, something, meow, meow, to signify that she was a cat. She also had a button hat with a lot of different buttons on it. That was pretty cool. I don't think it's going to translate to English audiences. They're pretty sophisticated over there. They're sophisticated kids.

And it's probably, was he on for? They're like, really? That's just the dude. It's the same dude. He's not even changing his voice that much. That's my impression of an English child, by the way. Yeah, they're sophisticated kids. And it's probably, was he on for? They're like, really? That's just the dude. That's the same dude. He's not even changing his voice that much. That's my impression of an English child, by the way. Yeah, that's a pretty good English. Hey, dude.

Hey. Whoa. Fuck it. No. Okay. Let's go to momentous occasions. We ask people to call in from time to time when something momentous happens in their lives, preferably as it happens or in the immediate aftermath.

We've got two momentous occasions this week. As I said, Casey screened them, so let's hear what they are. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, go. This is Jason from Rockford, Illinois. I have a momentous occasion. I just got a sexy Halloween text message picture from a girl I've been kind of going after. picture from a girl I've been kind of going after. And it turned out that I was kind of scrolling down to the picture and she had sent it to actually like four or five other numbers. So I guess I was just being used. I haven't been used like that before. She's

fishing for compliments or whatever. So I can cross her off the list and move on. So I'm not too bummed. I thought it would be a funny story. I can tell all my friends. And if you want the picture message, just let me know. My number is... Can't share his number. Nah.

He sent me the picture unbidden. I got this email in my email inbox that says, Jason from Rockford, Illinois, I've been used, and it has a picture attached to it. I have no idea what's going on. Why is this boudoir photograph of a woman in a... I've been used.

This dude needs to have a more chick-positive attitude, man. What's she using him for? To receive her sexy text messages, apparently. What's she using him for? To receive her sexy text messages, apparently. I don't think that's a using thing. Well, that's because you probably have someone

that you have a close romantic relationship with to receive your sexy text messages. It's true. Let's say you're single. Casey the Intern, are you a single guy right now? I'm a single guy. Casey, the intern, are you a single guy right now? I'm a single guy. So Casey, for example, when he takes a picture of himself

in his sexy Halloween costume on his cell phone in a mirror, he probably has the same sexy Halloween costume. It looks maybe like a 19th century prostitute. I'm going to turn it towards you. I wish we could put this on the message board, but obviously that would be inappropriate. Would you say that looks like maybe a 19th century prostitute? Late 19th century prostitute? Yeah, I would say that. What do you think, Nick?

You know prostitutes. One of those New Orleans prostitutes. A Moulin Rouge type prostitute. There was a famous photographer who took a whole series of pictures. That's probably what she was going for. Michael and Dart, she wrote a novel about him. Yeah, that's probably exactly what she was going for.

I think that might be right. Somebody is going to... You would see her at the Halloween party, walk up to her and say, hey, you're representative of one of those legendary prostitute photographs from the thing. walk up to her and say, hey, you're representative of one of those legendary prostitute photographs from the thing. And she would go,

yeah, and turn around and walk away. But I think you're right that there is not a positive attitude going on in that message. A horrible attitude. A horrible attitude. If you had a glass half full attitude, you'd say, I am now in the final five.

I'm on the short list. I had a one in a thousand chance. Now I have a one in five chance. Plus, what if it's like, what if her parents always told her how fat she is? And so she's sending it to them so they know that she's sexy now. That she's away at college and she's been eating well. So two of those people of the five might have been parents. Are the parents.

So you're looking at two parents. Maybe a sibling. Gymnastics coach. And this guy. So that's five. Maybe the person who made the costume. Exactly. Like, hey, it looks all right.

Who are going to use it in their catalog? They asked to use that picture in their catalog. Right. It's a catalog that uses primarily uh cell phone photography because it's more evocative exactly is why you would use the only single guy in the list and he's just kind of shot his own brains out without hearing the end of the story absolutely why did he shoot his own brain that's another thing why did he commit suicide at the end of this call i know i we didn't need to do that no he really didn't need to do it

was distressing so what was his name um i don't remember jason bubba jason yeah no i think jason's right jason jason jason you've really got to cheer up yeah jason from rockford illinois look look things are looking up now for jason we've given him the pep talk that he needs he needs to be more lady positive lady positive he needs to uh if somebody if somebody says something to him let's say in a bar it's a cocktail waitress he needs to not turn away from them call them insane um you know what i'm saying but i think i fear that jason has already texted back in a very bitter way. Yeah, I do too.

I'm afraid he may be, I mean, he has no qualms about emailing this to various podcasts he listens to. From the tone of his message, I have some concern that he may have, I'm going to presume that he's in college. I have some concern that he may have printed it out a hundred times on like a computer lab printer, scrawled slut on it in blood, and then posted it on the walls of the dining hall. His message probably says, you might think this is funny to use me in this way, but it's just hurtful and mean, and I never want to hear from you again. Exactly. And she was basically coming on to him. Exactly. This is a woman who has sex for a living.

Yeah. She's a sex worker. Imagine how erotic her professionalism would have made their intercourse. You see what I'm saying here? I hope you have good lawyers. He blew his big shot. Okay, let's hear another momentous occasion, huh? Hey, guys.

Momentous occasion. I just saw a Subway restaurant get robbed while I was listening to your podcast. And Jordan was in the middle of bitching about something. I don't even know what because it was hard to pay attention. Because a dude just jumped over the window guarding the vegetables and stole a bunch of shit. Okay? Thanks, bye. Wait.

That's why the thing rewinds, dude. Go back and listen to what I was saying. It was very important. I don't know what it was specifically, but you're going to want to listen to the whole podcast. You've got to focus. Forget about robberies. Yeah, right. You know what happened?

He's tried to make these sandwiches with stuff that he buys at the grocery store. And it never comes out the way he'd like it. It never comes out the way he'd like it. Especially the vinaigrette that they put on there. On the chicken club. Is that the bunch of shit he was referring to?

I thought. He robbed vinaigrette and some mayonnaise and robbed a bunch of shit. Vegetables. Yeah, absolutely. Because it what I presume so. He robbed vinaigrette and some mayonnaise and robbed a bunch of shit, vegetables. Yeah, absolutely, because it's already sliced. He doesn't have to slice it. Chopped tomato, exactly.

Their famous sweet onion sauce. He finally found a place to get the kind of ham that they use there, the exact kind of ham, but they only sell it in those whole hams

and he doesn't have a deli slicer, so he can't get it as thin as he'd like. But they have it there thin just right there at the subway. All you've got to do is jump over the barrier, the plastic barrier. See, a lot of people go in places like that, and they think, I'm not robbing chopped tomato because it's not worth it.

Right. Because tomatoes are cheap. They're inexpensive. But if you factor in the labor cost of chopping, that's a much more valuable commodity than it looks like. Ultimately, you have to ask yourself a simple question, which is, am I a sandwich craftsman or am I a sandwich artist? Because the latter is what they have at Subway,

and that's what you need to get your hands on. Stuff that's already been sliced by sandwich artists. Maybe in creative shapes. Do they do that? Absolutely. If you ask. If you ask nice. Mickey Mouse?

Yeah. Mickey Mouse ears? You bet. And I'm not talking about artisans. I'm talking about artists specifically. Sure, you can get an artisanal ham. You just have to go to the Whole Foods to get an artisanal ham. I think the other question this raises is whether robbers and criminals all over America are timing their crimes when people are listening to Jordan.

Because people are so distracted. Well, people think – Here's the thing. It's like the whole of America has shut down momentarily. A lot of people think that criminals are somehow fundamentally evil like they should be sent to prison and locked up and throw away the key because they're never there's nothing good about them but in fact criminals even when they're committing criminal acts often have a positive motivation like you know you hear about somebody stealing uh food to feed their baby or

stealing money to get their child shoes um or you know robbing a chain restaurant to so that people don't have to listen to jordan's never-ending fucking bitching just i'm a fucking podcast baby where's my podcast baba it's true it's a good impression thank you i'm no frank caliendo he doesn't even better jordan but this is good yeah rich little also does a really good jordan yeah he's no the late frank gorshin though that was the best jordan i've ever that was the best jordan he really captured he's a better jordan than i am can i tell you guys something the the whining he's asking for his baba he just got it all can i ask you guys a quick question sure uh you know how they have if you use google mail they have contextual advertisements in the sidebar yeah um in this you may remember jason from rock rockford

illinois the man who uh blew his shot with a beautiful 18th century prostitute. He sent this email with a picture. This is what came up in the contextual links on the size. Odd picture frame size? Question mark. That's the first one. Kind of reasonable. Precious moments picture.

Find precious moments picture. Shop and save at Target.com today i wouldn't characterize this as a precious moment it's more of a 19th century prostitute cell phone it's a lusty moment the third one though was it his momentous moment it was momentous it was categorized by jason yeah maybe maybe receiving sexy hellerine that was momentous so yeah momentous and ultimately very disappointing yeah according to him but not according to us you have picture and uh the advertisement is headline picture body of text looking for picture question mark um and of course you have obama versus mccain debate who won the debate but the one that i don't understand is lupus rash picture

get answers and info for lupus rash picture picture is this because more and more people are emailing each other to say i have a picture of a rash wait no wait wait wait jordan what i have a picture of a rash. Wait, no, wait, wait, wait, Jordan. I have a picture here. And what is implied is that it is a photograph of a rash. And they're wondering if it's a rash for the horrible disease lupus. Because there's lupus. The word lupus does not appear in the text here. So they can't have used the fact that the word lupus was as predictive.

They're advertising in all pictures because so many pictures are pictures of rashes that need to be identified with regard to the disease lupus. You see what I'm saying? That's, yeah. That's how they're spending their advertising money. Do you follow me? Yes, I think that's true. Lupus rash picture. Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is,

can you look at this on my arm here? Does that look like lupus to you? Jesse, that's ketchup. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Nick Hornby, king of all books. You know what? Nick Hornby may be king of all books, but the book of which he is most king is his delightful number one New York Times bestseller just out in paper book. Paper book.

Paper book. That's what we call it in the trade. Slam. Jordan, I don't know if you read this. I read this book, and then I sent it to my younger brother, who is a young adult. He read the book.

It is about a young man who impregnates a young woman and isn't sure what to do about it because it turns out that they may or may not actually want to be boyfriends and girlfriends. And also, he's a skateboarding enthusiast and talks to a Tony Hawk poster on his on his wall oh cool yeah you know i know tony hawk personally do you really yeah jordan and tony hawk are buddies he said hi to me at the starbucks one time i've been emailing him oh yeah yeah this did he did you email him before you wrote the book like fyi tony hi this is king of all books nick hornby you may may have known my previous bestsellers such as about a boy a long way down uh high fidelity fever pitch uh pretty much well i've got that as a uh it's in the body of my right email program

it's sort of like a stationary yeah okay, yeah, yeah. Okay. Right. Because you exclusively write letters to Tony Hawk. Exactly. When I had the idea for the book, I thought, because Tony Hawk talks back in lines from his own autobiography. Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. And I thought... Because the kid basically thinks it's presumptive of him to put words in Tony Hawk's mouth.

Exactly. And so the autobiography becomes kind of like the I Ching, where you can open it at any page and it has a message that he can decode. But I thought, well, if he doesn't like this, if Tony Hawk doesn't like this, I'm going to be in trouble. Because there's a big chunk of the book that he wrote that I'm going to have to take out. So I made contact with him, and he was incredibly generous and friendly. Jordan, that's been your impression of Tony Hawk as well. Yeah, nicest guy in show business. Easy.

I've never even met Tony Hawk. Can Tony Hawk still do cool skateboard tricks? Oh, sure, yeah. He's still the best. He's still the best? He's the best skateboard guy still? Yeah, we're talking about vert skating, yeah. Well, I was certainly talking about vert skating. Were you talking about well i was certainly talking about vert skating were you talking about vert i was talking about vert yeah not horizontal no not horizontal but if we're talking vert for horizontal you're gonna have to go to your p-rods your ryan shecklers no who's bucky lasik also also a vert skater

sure but he's better than tony hawk i thought i don't i don't think he is but he's better than Tony Hawk, I thought. I don't think he is, but he's very good. He's very good. Yeah. What about the Latino punk rock guys on the corner right outside the... They're better. Right outside the Jaekwon Orthodontics Center here in Koreatown, Los Angeles. They're better. Yeah, that's what I thought.

Occasionally, they do a trick. Mm-hmm. Have you ever even... Did you buy a skateboard or something? Me? I do have one, and I stood on it for about a trick. Have you ever even, did you like buy a skateboard or something? Me, I do have one and I stood on it for about a minute and felt very insecure and then came off it again. Did you refer, but you had to

refer to it for your book. You're writing, and then I got a skateboard which has, and then you look down at the skateboard and turn it over four wheels. That's called research. Yeah, absolutely.

I understand that's where novels come from. You've got to show familiarity with what you're talking about. Absolutely, absolutely. Well, anyway, it was a delightful Jordan, Jesse, go. I encourage you to go buy Nick Hornby's book, which I thought was really sweet and very funny and is the kind of book that is appropriate for

all ages. Why can't anyone ever say my name without putting the S in? I didn't put any S in. You had to stop yourself. No, I didn't. You were going to say Nick Horn's and then you stopped. Well, that's because I'm such a big fan of Bruce Hornby. Well, that's it. That's the only reason I can think of. I can't get enough Bruce Hornby.

Everyone calls me Nick Hornby. There comes a point where can think of that everyone calls me Nick Hornsby. And there comes a point where you think, well, how famous was Bruce Hornsby? That his name is kind of welded into everyone's mind. They cannot think about anything without Bruce Hornsby coming up. And it was not like he was Michael Jackson, was it? No, I don't know. It happens to me a lot. Hornsby, does it ever happen to you?. Hornsby, does it ever happen to you? I mean, Jordan, does it ever happen to you?

Hornsby. I mean, yes. Sorry. Oh, boy. I wish I knew one Bruce Hornsby song so I could start singing it right now. And if I call people out on it, say, okay, come on.

I don't even know the name of one Bruce Hornsby song. Sing me a song. Wait, I'm going to look up a Bruce Hornsby song. I'm going to type Bruce Hornsby into the internet. People call me Joe Jackson a lot. It'll say, high fidelity, how to be good. Hang on. Okay.

The whole of the internet's got confused. Oh, Spider Fingers. Sure. Well, what about Spider Fingers? What about his classic hit, Spider Fingers? I don't know Spider Fingers. I've got spiders on my fingers. My name is Bruce Hornsby.

I don't think that is his big hit. I've got spiders on my fingers. And I wrote a skateboarding book, which is why Jesse might be confused. Put in Bruce Hornsby plus biggest hit. Okay, Bruce Hornsby, biggest hit. Bruce Hornsby's biggest hit. His recording career started with the biggest hit bruce hornsby's biggest hit the his recording career started with the biggest hit he has had to date dot dot dot now i have to click through to find out what it is unfortunately okay biggest hit he is biggest ah the way it is which topped the american music charts in 1986. Do you know how the way it is went? Sing it.

Craig. That's just the way it is. Some things on that. Oh, the Tupac song. Sure. Well, I can see how people would get you confused with Tupac. And this was in 1986. You're sort of a, you're a screen poet.

So 22 years they've had to get over Bruce Horn's book. That's why guys get big tattoos of your face on their back. Yeah. I was wondering why you had that big. You actually got your Thug Life tattoo across your forehead. Yes. Which is good. It's nice.

John Updike told me to do that. He said it had worked for him and it could be good for me. Anyway, Nick Hornsby's great book is Slam. If you actually want to hear a proper interview with Nick, as opposed to Nick naming various horses, when the hardcover of the book came out, he was on The Sound of Young America. We did do a full, proper, enjoyable interview about his books, and especially

Slam. So you should go to MaximumFun.org and click on Archive. You'll find it right there. In the meantime... And this was the price I had to pay for it. Yeah, exactly. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of Light in the Attic Records. It's on the CD.

Kites Are Fun, the best of The free design, which is also lovely and delightful. If you want to call in and have us name something or anything else, we're looking for new topics. Yeah. I know it should be our job. We're running on fumes here. It should be our job to think of new topics. But you know what? We need a good project.

If you've got an idea for a good project, that's what we're looking for. Because we had that high-five contest last year. And it went so great with the guy who high-fived Yao Ming and the whole nine yards. But this year, we need something new. So 206-984-4FUN is the number to call. Nick's got something. What about renaming? Mr. Hornsby, yes.

Renaming. Renaming. Oh, renaming something we've already named no no no no like um the godfather that's not a good name i think you should rename it oh yeah rename rename the cotton balls rename the whole of culture yeah that's pretty good that's going to be a segment on our next show okay what do you say i like it are you doing all things are you on board sure yes are you are you done yeah is it Middlemarch. That is not an interesting name for a novel. Absolutely not. Nope. Beowulf.

No good. No good. Should have been called Giant Baby. G-Baby, for sure. No way people could call it G-Baby. See what I'm saying? Yep. Jordan, your enthusiastic response is in support.

Is this like a fade-out? Yeah. Yeah, we're talking, we'll just kind of slowly fade out as the theme music plays. As we approach nightfall and everyone falls asleep. Yeah. That's mainly what our show is for, is to get children to sleep. The sun disappears behind the hills. Okay, we'll see you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go.