Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 79: The Borscht Belt

Episode Date: November 9, 2008

Comedian Mike Schmidt joins Jesse and Jordan for a discussion of borscht, satsumas and shaving your face with a kitty cat.  Also: Ask Juanita and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, maddy, twiddle, Jesse, go.

There's much discussion of borscht, some discussion of satsumas, and we finally hear from Juanita. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. With us, comedian, podcaster, writer, etc., Mike Schmidt. Mike, welcome back to the show. Guys, thanks for having me. I'm always happy to come. It is a pleasure to have you, sir. And it is a pleasure to have you in this momentous week in our nation's history.

We had an election this past Tuesday as we record this show. Something and a result that was so amazing to me, something I've been waiting for my entire voting life. America voted. America cast its vote and they wanted Michael Crichton

to not be alive anymore. People made their choice. People went into that booth, pulled the curtain, you know what I mean? Jordan got their special pen out, and they decided the future of the great state of California would include a super train. Wait a minute. You have a special voting pen? How did that happen exactly? Oh, yeah, absolutely.

I have a special voting pen. Nice. The thing is, you know how they tell you that they count all the votes? You have the special pen vote. So it's really a matter of whether or not you have a pen. Oh, so everybody else is hoodwinked, basically. Well, kind of. It's still fun. You still get a sticker. I don't think I can argue with that. It certainly is fun. You still get to meet your community while waiting in line. Mike, if you had had a special pen, maybe we wouldn't even have a can argue with that it certainly is fun you should meet your community while waiting in line mike if

you had had a special pen maybe we wouldn't even have a super train yeah that's a good point you know what i mean in a tough economic times what is important is uh a big civic projects that let us look to what humanity can achieve things like the pyramids at Giza, the space race, a super train. Westworld, directed by Michael Crichton. Exactly. These are the kind of things we're talking about here. Again, in this tough economic crunch, it's very important for somebody in San Diego to take the super train to San Francisco and jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. Precisely, because it is picturesque.

You don't want to jump off a lesser San Diego bridge. Do they even have bridges in San Diego? I mean, come on. Well, I mean, not suspension bridges. I think they only have, like, tanks and sailboats in San Diego, if I'm not mistaken. Homeless people, sure. Guys with calf tattoos also.

Really? Yeah. If you have a big calf tattoo, you're probably from San Diego or an outlying suburb. Chula Vista, maybe? La Jolla. But you know what? Even people with calf tattoos are going to be allowed on this super train. Really?

Just to focus back in on what's important. Well, sure. They'll have to be in their own car. They're going to be in steerage, if that's what you're asking. Are they going to be in first class coach or steerage? They're going to be down there doing their folksy dances, really living it up. Yeah, absolutely. They're going to be listening to...

Not with us blue bloods. They're going to be listening to P.O.D. They're going to be doing their little dances, wearing their flop flops. You know what I mean? But it's a Super Train. They're excited. They're going 150 miles an hour. There's probably some kind of maglev.

Yeah. Does this Super Train have maglev? There's probably some kind of maglev. Yeah. Does this super train have maglev? I don't even know what maglev is. It sounds like a medicine. Yeah, I thought you were maybe trying to say maglite, but then kind of bailed on it. No, no, no. No, maglev. It's where the magnets put the train up so it's sort of like floating above the track

so it can go faster. Jesse, this sounds like some sort of crazy fantasy out of Westworld. Yeah, are you a witch? Jordan, I'm no Michael Crichton, but I do have an active imagination and a yen for research. Oh, and also you don't believe in global warming.

Yeah, I don't believe in global warming, and I fear and hate the Japanese. Oh, dinosaurs. That gets to the bottom of your bullet train fascination then, if you hate the Japanese. You don't want that train here because then they come here and they're riding it up and down. I know! You know what the Japanese want to do?

They want to build a bullet train from Japan directly to Los Angeles. I thought San Diego, which would be even funnier. Just bypass LA. Yeah, head right to San Diego. Well, for Comic-Con. It's just part of the Japanese-ization of this society. Just bypass LA. Yeah. Just head right to San Diego. Well, for Comic-Con. It's just part of the Japanese-ization of this society. Padres games.

Sure. Which film project are you guys more disappointed at the stunting of the development of, based on the death of Michael Crichton? Okay. Are you guys more disappointed that... ER the movie. ER the movie, Westworld 2, or Jurassic Park 4 will now be delayed. Inevitably. I'm worried about

ER the movie because that bald guy from ER... Booger. Yeah, booger. I'm just looking out for him in his career. You know what I mean? Stamos 2. I'm worried about the Westworld 2 being sent off the rails.

Yeah, me too. To keep the train analogy. I'm sure it was Westworld 2 being sent off the rails to keep the train analogy. I'm sure it was a reimagining of Westworld and how can you reimagine it without the imagination of Michael Crichton? Exactly. Not to mention his grounding in historical and scientific research. And let's not forget his disregard

for character and character development. I'm gonna, I mean, I think I'm just, I mean, just so we have a difference of opinion, I'm going to say Jurassic Park 4. Really? Yeah. Do you think they'd bring Bill Macy back for that? Is that why you're...

I mean, yeah, I would hope so. No, I think if you're going to make a movie, you should include Bill Macy. No, no one died in the third one. What's left for them to do in Jurassic Park? There's so many dinosaurs, Mike. Going to the fucking moon? So many different dinosaurs.

Apatosaurus, was that in any of them? What about duck-billed dinosaur? No, there's no hadrosaurus. No, there were some hadrosaurus. Oh, yeah? What about pterodactyls? Huh? What about pterodactyls? That's your entry-level dinosaur.

I think the second one had a pteranodon. Check this shit out right here. No pterosaurs. I'm just brainstorming here since the late Michael Crichton passed. May his soul rest in peace. But I'm thinking you've got Jeff Goldblum, Bill Macy, and the guy from Seinfeld, Newman from Seinfeld. They're in a submarine.

Sure. And they're fighting underwater dinos like... Plesiosaurus. Plesiosaurus. Elasmosaurus. Exactly. Exactly. These are the...

Although not technically dinosaurs. Really? What are they? There's some other name for them, but... What about an ichthyosaur? Also not a dinosaur. But, I mean, alive at the time. It's a dinosaur at the end.

Yeah. It's a different classification. It's a genus thing. Oh, I mean, alive at the time. Yeah, it's a different classification. It's a genus thing. Oh. I was going to... My money was on phylum. It was a phylum issue. No, you're wrong.

This is Spyro Linda Jordan, Jesse Nerd. Fellas, we may have lost the non-dinosaur-loving audience. Our audience, to be fair, is primarily four year old boys oh then you're in so we're pretty much good as gold oh by the way I promised them I'd do this they think that is hilarious

good lord they love that poop pants anyway we'll be back in just a second talking about Velcro instead of laces. 101 Reasons Why on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Mike Schmidt, friend of millions. Millions, Jordan? Yes. Now, your podcast is even more successful than we knew. I glad hand people, too. I have very few podcast listeners, but I'm saying I go out and meet the people. Oh, okay.

You'll kiss a baby. You're not afraid to go to the county fair. I will bite a baby. Excuse me? I will grab it by the ankles and the neck, and I will bend it backwards and bite it right in the stomach. Because it just looks so tasty? Yes, sir. That's what I do.

Oh, wow. I just want to go right through it. What does a mom think of that? They're on board. Why wouldn't they be? They're lining up. I mean, what with the economy like it is, right? Yeah.

Gas prices? It seems like a good time. like it is, right? Yeah. Gas prices. It seems like a good time. Get in there, Obama. Yeah, absolutely. So we don't have to keep biting babies for no reason. Jordan, you're not a podcast listener in particular. You may never even have heard Mike's podcast before. No, I haven't.

I've been catching up on back editions of Dan Carlin's Hardcore History. It sounded like you were going to say back itching. I don't know what that means. Some sort of weird... I was trying to say back issues, but then I'm like, that's not a magazine. Maybe it is. A podcast is not a magazine. He's way behind in his back itching.

Sure he is. For a while, he lost his scratcher. What? And he had to make do with a spaghetti server. You look itchy today. No, I'm constantly itchy. You got like a little scrub happening, and then your hair's all teased? Make do with spaghetti server. You look itchy today. Oh, I'm constantly itchy. You got like a little scrub happening and then your hair's all teased?

No, there's never a time in my life when a part of me isn't itchy. Jordan, have you ever thought about getting like some Lubriderm maybe? I've had all sorts of creams, powders. Ungjuans? Ever used any Ungjuans? Gold Bond does the most, but it still doesn't get rid of it. Really? That's refreshing though, Gold Bond. That can be refreshing. Yeah, but it still doesn't get rid of it. Really? That's refreshing, though, Gold Bond.

That can be refreshing. Yeah, Gold Bond's great. I really like it. You like the yellow bottle or the green bottle? Which do you like? Yellow. Oh, you go yellow.

What's the difference? Green's like a little menthol-y. Yeah, it's like flame in a fucking shaker. Oh, it's mentholated. Yeah. Oh, wow. It's like shaking

cool cigarettes into your crotch. Gotcha. Sure. If you want to save a little money, the Target brand medicated powder, just as good. Seriously?

Really? It comes in a bigger bottle. It's cheaper. Does it have a seal on the front? Is it bronze bond? No, it does not have a seal. It does have the Target logo, which is good enough for me. Sure, you're in.

Yeah. It's sort of a more modern version, you know, I guess, of a seal. It's a little more hipper and more contemporary when it comes to your medicated powders. Those are contemporary. You want to get as contemporary as possible with some medicine from the Old West. That's the new thing. It's the new thing.

It's like they have those men's shaving stores, you know, where you're going by a straight razor or something and a strop. Sure. I love a strop. That's where you also will pick up a nice medicated powder for yourself. I just started shaving in the shower like a year ago with a mirror and stuff.

Oh. It's like night and day. Welcome to paradise, my friend. It's the greatest of all time. Yeah. I never want to leave the shower. I have always shaved in the shower. I never understood why people thought shaving was so horrible until something happened.

I didn't shave in the shower. There was no shower. I was on a trip or something. You had to shave in a T Like there was no shower I was like on a trip Or something You had to shave In a TGI Friday's bathroom And I was like Oh my god

No wonder people are so Weirded out about shaving Like this is a nightmare I grew up Gotta soften those bristles I was a latchkey kid In a one parent household So send your checks

And donations But anyway And so I never learned How to shave I kind of taught myself How to shave So I was of taught myself how to shave. So I was shaving with cold water and a butter knife for years. You started with different stuff.

You were trying out different equipment. And then I lived with a guy who was in the military. For a while, you were shaving with a scissor. Exactly. And a Bic lighter. I often used that. Then you heard you should use pinking shears. I just kept moving up.

Because it keeps it from fraying. Anything sharp, I was in. And I actually went, you know what, it's funny, I saw the four-blade razor, I said, why don't I use a fork? It's the same type of thing, it's got four tines. In your darkest days, you just pressed a cat to your face. Darkest? You're mispronouncing

best. Oh, I mean adorablest. Yes. So I never knew, and then a friend told me to get a shower thing, and I'm in the, so for a year in the shower, and oh my lord. Now, Wade wait i have a question about medicated powders uh what uh your balls okay that was my question let me just uh just preempt that that was my that was my question no is it for your balls yes it sure is trust itchy itchy's gonna Itchy's going to know. What does it do, though? What feeling do you get from the pwner?

A good one. A momentary relief to the itching that plagues your life. Is it like cooling? Well, the ventilated version is certainly cooling. No, they're both cooling. Okay. So it's cooling soothing, would you say? Yes.

Sure. Is it numbing, though? Whatever adjective you want to attach to it, I'm fine. sure is it numbing though whatever i whatever adjective you want attached to it i'm fine it's not numbing no it's just it feels like a cool breeze in your pants it's awesome it's like a song by the rascals right in your underwear mike now that you now that i learned about you not ever having known how to shave i'm sorry i picture you i picture you just growing up as a caveman. I actually did until I was like 15

because I was so happy to grow up beards, quote unquote. I had like mutton chops, like crazy long hair. There's a horrible picture of me like in a UFO concert shirt and a flannel playing air guitar on a tennis racket with this horrible growth on my head.

I just imagine you with long hair and you want to curl it so you're rolling ho-hos into it. I wouldn't retard it, Jess. You've only seen it in photographs. I look like Kevin McDonald in that Kids in the Hall sketch where he comes home from the vacation

and he won't shave his beard and it takes over his body eventually. It was just horrible, patchy, awful, but I couldn't stop it. Anyway, what I was trying to say, we were talking about mike's podcast which is amazing well let's start with this because this is something that i do not understand how you can possibly do which is your podcast is a solid 45 minutes to an hour and a

quarter in a given program yes um it is it is a monologue you have there are a few off-screen voices you can hear i guess that's your wife laughing no no this is your producer yeah my producer lily your producer lily um laughing in the in the uh kitchen or wherever it is that you're recording it but it is a monologue mike talks for an hour straight wow like spalding gray exactly it's exactly what it's like only with more fights it's like a more fight oriented less suicide yeah it's exactly what it's like. Only with more fights. It's like a more fight-oriented... Less suicide. Yeah, it's more on the theme of fights and other mistakes, I would say.

That would be the general theme. Also, I mean, your Philadelphia Phillies will come up from time to time. They were lurking for a couple weeks. I couldn't stop talking about them and boring everybody's ears about that. Yeah, well, I mean, it would be one thing if you were Philadelphia Phillies legend Mike Schmidt. Oh my god, and you don't know how many people tune in hoping for that?

There's a guy who actually reviewed me on iTunes, and he wrote, bad news, this isn't the Mike Schmidt from the Phillies. But he still gave me three stars for some reason. That's generous. I would like to see people who are tuning in, they still think

it's Mike Schmidt from the Phillies. I think that's a significant portion of your audience. People who think it's Mike Schmidt from the Phillies and they're like, when's he going to talk about Steve Carlton? He's not talking very little about home runs, but he did punch a guy in the cock. That seems weird.

That's a kind of home run. Yes. Do you find that from your listeners there's a lot of overlap, like people who like podcasts and people who also like baseball trivia? There are people who – I'm not kidding. In all seriousness, I do get a lot of people who thought that I was Mike Schmidt. Yeah, yeah. And even though. It's funny that they are searching iTunes to see if Mike Schmidt podcasts.

It's called The 40-Year-Old Boy. Mike Schmidt clearly no longer 40. Right. Yeah, he was 40 in like 1989. Yeah, my picture comes up when you hit play in the window. Do they think that's his manager? Who is that? Maybe he gained some weight, shaved the stash.

Yeah, exactly. Dyed my hair black or brown. He's a redhead with salt and pepper. Again, he's 59 years old or whatever the fuck he is. Insane. But yeah, I hear a ton of people all the time. But you could see how somebody would open up iTunes and start typing in the names of Philly greats.

Steve Carlton, nothing. Larry Boa, nothing. Manny Trio, absolutely a podcast. He does have a podcast, but it's boring. He has very poor reviews. A lot of recipes. He doesn't speak English. A lot of recipes.

His English is weak. It is very bad. But you know who's got a great podcast? Who's that? Steve Bedrock Bedrosian. Oh, Bedrock. Exactly. Didn't he shoot his kid, or was that Jeff Reardon?

Wait a minute. One of them shot their kid, or was that Jeff Reardon? Wait a minute. One of them shot their kid, or their kid was in a robbery, or he murdered somebody. I don't know. All your better closers have those kind of problems. Was that Lee Smith, maybe, you're thinking of? I know. Donnie Moore killed himself. Yeah, okay, that's true.

And Steve Olin died in a boat crash. He did, yeah. And one of my favorite jokes ever. Jordan is completely tuned out. In Chicago, when that happened, some members of the Cleveland Indians died in a boating crash. Jordan, what? A comic went on stage and said, clearly it was their fault. They were Indians.

They should have been in a canoe. Oh, to which the audience just cried. They hated it. Mike Ostrowski, who's actually the joke page editor for Playboy magazine. Wow. That's Mike Ostrowski. That sounds like a fun job. All the party jokes?

Yeah. Wow. He's been doing that for years. Does he write any of the jokes, or does he just kind of organize the submissions? I think he just cultivates them, and he does stand-up on his own on the side. Okay. But that's a sweet gig. But he cultivates them.

He does. That's what he does. Yeah. He has a geranium out of alphabets. He kills the soil. He's got a nice hydroponic set up now. So he can do it indoors. In his closet in case the fuzz happens upon his apartment.

You don't want the fuzz coming in and finding a farmer's daughter joke. He's going down. Absolutely not! Do you have a license for that Hillary's a bitch? Oh my goodness. Anyway, we're having fun. We're laughing, joking, sharing stories. Sure.

Anyway, this is what I was thinking, Jordan. No need to say what we've been doing. The audience is well aware of it. This is what I was thinking maybe we should just do. Since Mike's so good at this podcasting thing, successful podcaster, gifted monologist, maybe we should just have him do it. You know what I mean?

Oh, our podcast? Yeah, just have him do our podcast. Just, you know, he's probably got stuff going on or whatever. We'll just let him host the rest of the show. He can do an hour or so. That's all we really need. I can give you 30 minutes on ankylosaurus can i do that yes no we've actually we've already done 30 minutes on ankylosaurus i hate to disappoint you i hate and america i hate to disappoint you oh my goodness we have

been looking to branch out into dimetrodon whoa so! He fought Godzilla, if I remember correctly, right? You're thinking of Charles Barkley. Less a fight and more of a game. You know what's important to me right now? I know there was a big election. Yeah, you've mentioned that. There's an economic crisis going on,

etc., etc., etc. Jurassic Park 4 on hold, inevitably. It's indefinitely is the word you're looking for. I think it was. Oh, yeah, indefinitely. I mean, I think it was fair to assume that it was rocketing towards completion. It was actually on the bullet train to completion. Yeah.

But you know what's really important to me in my life right now? Completion is in San Diego. I went to Costco yesterday. I managed to spend $200 at Costco. Basically just buying everything that I would like to buy at a Costco, like a razor blade. Did you come into some money or something? Why are you going on these big Costco shopping sprees? Sometimes you got, if you're going to Costco, you're stocking up.

So you just go, you get the the stuff you can save money buying from Costco your regular stuff you know your razor blades etc and sometimes it just piles up like sometimes you go to Costco you only need five Costco things but sometimes it's all piled up you haven't been to Costco in a long time and you realize oh I need the dishwasher thing I need you know toilet paper I need uh razor blades Nine pounds of mayonnaise? Yeah, an enormous thing of tzatziki. Who doesn't need tzatziki? That's where I got lost.

A drum of stag chili? They just come in a wooden barrel, like with a metal strap around the side that kind of a hobo would wear. Now, do you have to be a member there, right? Yeah, of course you have to be a member, Mike. What's the procedure there? I don't know how that works. Do I have to have a panel, do you have to be a member there, right? Yeah, of course you have to be a member, Mike. Well, what's the procedure there?

I don't know how that works. Do I have to handle of guests I have to talk to? You fill out the form. You have to use your special pen. Oh, damn it. That's the issue that you keep running into, Mike. I am out, yeah. You know what the thing is?

We just do not accept people from broken homes. You're from a broken home. I will forever be penless because because of it yeah i mean i father catchy beard's not helping anything either no kidding yeah um no you need a membership and you can just buy a lot of anything it's great it's so it feels so good it feels good to because you're like you know what i'm done with this i have enough of this thing for a year one time i bought a like a entire like like uh 11 by 17 sheet of sharpie pens you know they come in those like plastic sure unopenable things i bought i have and i have had sharpie pens ever since i've never

you know how you buy one sharpie pen and then you lose it and then you need a Sharpie because you need to mark permanently on something. Yeah. And you're lost. You have to go to the store to buy another Sharpie pen. I will always have Sharpie pens and it only cost me like $8.99. $8.99 is a small price to pay for peace of mind. Sharpie peace of mind, sure.

Let's say Mike Schmidt from the Phillies knocks on my apartment door. Yes. I want to get his autograph. Okay. I'm tearing apart the house while I can find his ballpoints. Why is he coming to your door? He sells meat. He does.

And first, let's be honest, when he knocks on the door, you have to spend four and a half minutes having your dog sit. Yeah, I do. I do have to do that one. That is an important part of he knocks on the door, you have to spend four and a half minutes having your dog sit. Yeah, I do. I do have to do that one. That is an important part of someone knocking on my door. She's poorly behaved, getting better. She's getting a lot better. Wouldn't you say she's getting a lot better? She's a lot better than ever before because I spend some time with her because I do this stuff.

And you know what? All the delivery people who come to my door regularly, because I host a public radio program, get a lot of books in the mail. All those delivery people, they love her. They don't mind the wait. They're happy to see her. You buy a ribeye from Mike Schmidt and toss it to Coco for having a nice seat. Absolutely. You know who it was?

Maybe you take her down a peg when she's sleeping. You use your Sharpie pen to make it look like there's a dick going in her mouth. Sure, Dan. I'm just saying you've got to tease the dog a little bit. You've got to haze it. You gotta give it the business. You gotta kind of put it in its place? Is that what you're saying?

Yeah, you gotta embarrass it. You need to humiliate your dog. We're in some issues. Do you think the dog would understand that? I mean, it understands that people are laughing at it. Yeah, that's true. It does understand that. Wow, alright. Yeah, absolutely. It can tell.

Mike, dogs know when you're laughing at them. That is not my world. Dogs know, Mike. They can tell. Sometimes they'll join in. Oh, really? Yeah. Just laughter? That one's going to hang there. So you go to Costco.

He goes to Costco. I go to Costco he goes to Costco I go to Costco do you buy foodstuffs at Costco the thing is the foodstuffs are a lot harder it takes a much bigger commitment to eat the foodstuffs you buy at Costco than it does to use the toilet paper because if you have a place to put the toilet paper then you know like well I use you know one roll of toilet paper because if you have a place to put the toilet paper then you know like well i use you know one roll of toilet paper a week or whatever it is i don't know what it is and so after 26 weeks i'll be out of toilet paper but i'll have saved a lot of money in the meantime because i bought 26 rolls at once right um but the question is with food it can go bad sure so there's certain frozen foods and a recent example, a recent really big vexation

in my life is that the Costco portion of carrot juice went from two one-liter bottles to three one-liter bottles. So if I went to Costco and I bought two... What are we talking about this? Jordan, if I bought two one-liter bottles of carrot juice, I can, if I really focus on drinking carrot juice, if I make this a really important priority in my life, I can knock out two liters of carrot juice before the carrot juice goes bad.

But three is just too many. I hate it when you buy that food and you feel obligated to eat it. Yeah, I see it as like an opportunity or a challenge often. For example, when I just went to Costco, I bought an entire box of satsumas. You know, satsumas. Oh, sure, tiny seedless orange. It's a tiny seedless orange. It is easily the most delicious of the citrus fruits.

Not even close in my book. I'm a huge citrus guy. I need to know if this is true or not because I will get them. You've never eaten satsumas before? I'll send you home with it. I've had honey bells. I've had a lot of that stuff. If you're a citrus fan, you cannot be at a satsuma.

It's sweet, tart, flavorful. It's tiny. It's easy to peel. It's the easiest to peel of all. Fun to share. It's absolutely fun to share. Tiny yet fun to share. That makes no sense.

That seems like a dichotomy, this fruit. Well, the thing is, is you've got a lot of them. You buy a flat of them, so you share it. A flat? Have another one. Yeah, sure. You get yourself a flat. It's Satsuma season.

Celebrate! You know what I mean? Yeah, sure. There's a guy at Costco with a forklift who will just forklift them out to your car. Just throws a pallet of them in your car like rock salt. Yeah. What they do now is they don't even use the forklift they've just got like a you know like a ball pit at chucky cheese

and they just move an earth earth mover just an earth mover and they just put that big scoop in there and just dump it on top of your car and whatever sticks you get to take home oh man i'm man i've got i speaking of the the buying of the food that spoils, I've got, I just went nuts with asparagus the last time I was at the store. I have a fridge full of asparagus

and I'm like stressing out about when I'm going to eat it. I feel like, I gotta work after we do this podcast. I'm like, shit, maybe I can go home

for 10 minutes and cook some asparagus. It's going to go bad. A little break. Am I going to have time? I want to run to the bank today before I start working, but will I have a chance to eat some asparagus?

The big thing that I feel has changed in my life since I went from on the brink of dissolution, like $12,000 a year in income level that I was at for many years after I graduated from college, like the sort of I can't buy anything ever, to my current state. Except nine bucks worth of Sharpies. Yeah. Well, you know, you got to mark shit permanently.

Is, is it now I feel like I can just buy some asparagus. Cause you know, you look at the asparagus and you're like, you know what? Asparagus for a vegetable, that's pretty tasty. But then you're like, but it costs $3 or like $4. It's just hard to pull the trigger when there's all these other vegetables that they can't give away because they taste terrible. You know what I mean? Like a Brussels sprout or like, you know what I mean? Like most vegetables don't taste good, you know? And so asparagus being a five or six out of 10 is like solid gold. I feel so rich when I buy asparagus.

Oh, yeah, it's a rich man's vegetable, definitely. Yeah, I mean, definitely when I started riding high on the hog, that's when I started buying asparagus regularly. You ever buy the white asparagus? I like it as thin and green as possible. Which is the way it's supposed to be thin. My wife taught me that. If you get that baseball bat of asparagus, it's sour.

It's not good. Yeah, yeah, in the winter, you get more of that thick asparagus. That's what I've been finding. Oh, that's interesting. So you prefer a tenderer asparagus. Yes. But you know what's nice? Who doesn't, though?

You know, I'm not pretending like I'm some asparagus connoisseur. I just assume. General taste in asparagus. You're not a connoisseur. You're just an extensive purchaser. I just assume that since you were so rich, Jordan, you would know a lot about asparagus. No, I'm rich, but I'm not sophisticated. Have you really never had a satsuma?

No, I have not. You know what? I thought it was like a Japanese pastry or a soup of some sort. I didn't know what it would be. A fish head soup. Speaking on the subject of soups, I have a quick question for you. Last time you were here, it was roughly a year ago. Okay.

for you. Last time you were here, it was roughly a year ago. You were nourishing yourself with some sort of shake, like a protein shake or something like that. You had it in a Tupperware with a screw-on lid. You are really like this Tupperware. We had a little conversation about how nice this Tupperware is. You left it at my house. And then I'm like, I don't know what to do because I'm not going to see Mike Schmidt. You know what I mean? And it's a Tupperware. It's not worth him coming over to my house or me going over to his house. I'm just not that polite. So we've had your Tupperware for a long time.

But eventually, I just gave up on the idea that I would be able to return it to you. So right now, it has borscht in it. Good. I made some borscht. It worked out really well. I think we talked about it last week we may have talked about my borscht that's a beet soup that's a beet soup it has some borscht and it's a frozen borscht so i'm served cold i'm standing before you making you an offer sir

which is i will offer you some your your tupperware back if you would also like some borscht that is a tempting offer uh-huh and one I would probably take if I were going home. But the borscht would thaw in my car as I go watch the Finnish vampire movie at Sunset Five. Oh, well, looks like... Hey, take it in the movie with you. Boo, you don't have to buy popcorn. Yeah, you can eat borscht cold.

Really? It sounds like a nice lunch. It's typically how it's served, isn't it? Well, it's more and more cold. Yeah, often served cold, though. Oh, yeah, I'm thinking of revenge. Yeah. Okay, okay.

Well, I mean, I'm sorry. I tried to return it to you. I'm on the borscht fence. We've got plenty of time here. Let it be. Okay, well, we'll consider it further. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, the sponsor of Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, the sponsor of Jordan, Jesse Goh, this week, a little outfit I like to call, they also like to call it this, slide2play.com. Yeah. It's a popular... It decreases confusion when you call your thing the name of it. You call it the same thing that they prefer for it to be called.

Jordan, now, I don't have an iPhone. I don't either. But I was in Spanish class. I do not have an iPod Touch either. You know our friend Lonely Sandwich from You Look Nice Today. Yes. Adam and I are taking Spanish class together,

as regular listeners probably know. And in Spanish class, he was playing with his iPhone, as he always does. He's usually drafting twitters uh adam's adam's really big on getting his twitters tight before he sends them out maybe do it in a word docker on wordpad first he explained to me how what slide to play when you do a swipey thing on your iphone then it starts up. That means go for iPhone.

And so Slide to Play, I think it's like pressing a start button on an iPhone. That's what the name means. Yeah, that's what the name means. Because it's a great place to go if you want to learn about the hottest new iPhone games before you drop your $3 to buy them.

And I was browsing around Slide to Play. Okay. Because I want to know what the sponsors are doing. Sure, you want to learn a was browsing around Slide to Play. Okay. You know, because I want to know what the sponsors are doing. Sure, you want to learn a little bit about Slide to Play. Also, Knight doesn't just have information about games that are out now, but you can watch videos of games that have yet to be released.

And Jordan, if I know anything about you, it's that you're interested enough in games to watch a video of a game that has yet to be released. Absolutely. Maybe more than playing the game itself. Can you explain that to me? Why people really want to watch a video of a game that has yet to be released? Because that is a thing.

Yeah. Well, I think it's because it's a very small portion of the video game population that can play every game that comes out. Right. But you kind of want to have an opinion about it when people are talking about it. Oh, sure. I think you've probably run into that, right, Mike?

Somebody will ask you about your opinion about an upcoming game. You don't have anything to say to them because you haven't watched the video of it. It just happened downstairs before I came up. Absolutely. I was stopped by several Korean people on the street who had many, many questions

about Mortal Kombat versus DC Universe. I said, I... Oh, man, that who had many, many questions about Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe. I said, I... Oh man, that's going to be great. That's all I had, unfortunately. I had nothing else because I have not seen a video of it yet. Wait, Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe? Oh yeah. Guys from Mortal Kombat are fighting Batman and Superman. It's Raiden against the Flash. Didn't they already have

that game? With Superman and Spider-Man and stuff? You're thinking of the neo geo marvel versus capcom so is this just a knockoff of marvel versus capcom i mean the very different games mortal combat and the capcom fighting universe yeah sure they're both games they're both they're both the two guys going back and forth on a screen you have to memorize you have to memorize a sequence of buttons so that you can pull somebody's neck out or whatever it is. No, that's Mortal Kombat.

Your ignorance belies the fact that you could really do something if you saw a video of this unreleased game. Yeah, right. Fair enough. Or you could argue about it with someone in a bar. Anyway, people who want something to do on their iPhone slide touch, and they want to spend $3, but they want to know which $3 to spend, slide2play.com is the place to go. Informative, clear, nice-looking website. It's a nice-looking, a clear website. This is a Web 2.0 era website, slide2play.com.

Anyway, slide2play.com, the sponsor this week on Jordan, Jesse, go. We'll be back in just a second. It's Jordan, Jesse, Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Mike Schmidt, friend of the family. Yeah, absolutely. All right. Absolutely.

You're in, Mike. You're in. I need a J name. Yeah, well, you know. My dad's gonna make me call you Uncle Mike. Alright. Although you're not related. You know, Jordan, you may remember from

past programs, I may have brought up the topic of my favorite classmate in Spanish, Class Juanita. You've mentioned her. I don't mean to... She's just a really cool lady. She's in my Spanish class Juanita. You've mentioned her. I don't mean to. I just she's just a really cool lady. Sure. She's in my Spanish class. From time to time I might care to bring it up. Right. I might suggest that Juanita would be a sort of guiding light for young people. Yeah. Who are directionless. Don't know what decisions to make, aren't sure what to do with their lives.

People at a crossroads, basically. Exactly, because here's a lady. She's got a good job. She's got children and grandchildren, although you'd never guess it. She doesn't look a day over, I'd say, 40. I'm stunned when I found out that she had grandchildren. She's vivacious. Sure.

She just went on a cruise. Oh, wow. So traveled. Exactly. She's traveled. Juanita. Wait a minute. How does vivacious work into the cruise?

That's what I want to know. She's vivacious? She just went on a cruise. That just seemed like you bailed on her description and said what she did this week. Well, no. To be successful on a cruise, you're going to want to be a little bubbly. You don't want to just stay in the cabin the whole time.

You've got to get out there. Shuffleboard. Have some drinks. Go to the pool. Go see the comic who's there who's no doubt very funny. Yeah, the funniest comics are always on cruise ships. Anyway, Juanita, welcome to Jordan, Jesse, go.

Thank you. It is a pleasure to have you. So what we thought we would do is have some of our listeners call in with problems that they've been having in their lives. And then Juanita could kind of guide and advise them a little bit. Now, we were going to have Juanita come in here into the studio until I found out, well, last week Juanita was on the cruise. This week Juanita is getting ready for Thanksgiving because how many people are coming over to your house for Thanksgiving, Juanita? I got closer, like between 75 and 100 people coming. Between 75 and 100!

Jeez, is this like a family reunion situation? Yes, it is. Oh, my. Did you invite everybody that was on the cruise? No. These are just family members okay i mean can you imagine 75 okay so let's let's talk for a minute one about what kind of food goes on at this 75 person thanksgiving dinner okay last let's go back to last year last year we had for example we had like three turkeys, three fried turkeys. So this is kind of a regular thing, you having these big, huge, triple-digit Thanksgivings? Exactly.

Okay. Exactly. Because I'm into the family. I'm about the family. Sure, sure. I'm originally from Mississippi and Hattiesburg, Mississippi. That's where I was born. We just believe in family.

Yeah, absolutely. Right, and helping one another. Do you always host this thing, or is this in different family members' houses around the country? Well, normally my mother was doing it, but my mother passed away back in 2000, February 2000. And it was always done at her house. So now, once she passed away, everybody kind of scattered. So starting last year, I put together for a first family reunion Thanksgiving, and it was awesome.

It went over really big. So now everybody wants to start and make it every Thanksgiving here at my home. Okay, so you have this beautiful, you've got this big, beautiful house in Baldwin Park. Yes, I do. You said four bedrooms, right, if I'm not mistaken? Right, four bedrooms, two baths, living room, dining room, and den. You got, I'm trying to remember because we talked about this in class, was it 15 people staying at your house? Yes. Last year, I had 15 people staying at my house.

Wow. Yep. Okay, so last year, three turkeys. Yes. Three fried turkeys. We had three fried turkeys. We had a ham, a huge ham. We had barbecue chicken, baked chicken. We had macaroni and cheese. We had potato salad, macaroni salad, jambalaya, greens, cabbage, cornbread. We had rolls, different kind of dinner rolls. We had salad.

All the healthy stuff, pretty much. We had candy yams. That's great. Now, you have four bedrooms and three fried turkeys. Do you just put one turkey in every bedroom, or how does that work? No. We cut it up, my brother and my nephews. All three of us, we did the majority of the cooking.

Now, okay, did you fry the turkeys whole in one of those giant turkey fryers? What I did is, my brother normally, he has one, he normally does it, but what happened was I went down to Tasty Q's on 30th and Crenshaw, and I let them do it last year. Yeah, because that's how reasonable. Leave it to the experts. Leave it to the experts. Let me tell you, as three white guys,

we definitely know what's going on at 30th and Crenshaw. We're definitely in tune with that. Well, Juanita, let's get to some of these important questions that our listeners had for you. Okay. Here goes the first one. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, Go, and juanita it's adam from kansas city quick question for you juanita um about two months ago my girlfriend bought me tickets to go see

colt playing concert big concert here in kansas city coming up in a couple weeks okay and expensive seats expensive tickets um unfortunately i had to break things off with her. So we're no longer together, and it's been about three weeks now. And I was wondering, would I be a big douchebag if I went and asked her for the tickets, or should I just suck it up and go by my own? I'm looking forward for your input, Juanita. Thanks. Bye.

Okay. Anything that you do with somebody and you make plans for that person and it doesn't go through and you broke up with this person or whatever, suck it up, okay? You need to suck it up and go ahead. You know, you don't go back.

That's kind of like tacky to go back and, you know, and say, okay, we're not together now. I want my tickets here or whatever and give me back your tickets. I can give it to somebody else or whatever. That's really, really tacky. Go ahead, suck it up. And you go ahead and, you know, and go by yourself or buy another ticket for somebody else.

You know, if you have a new love in your life right now. But to go back and ask her for that ticket or whatever, that's real tacky. Would it have been different? Let me ask you this one, Edith. Would it have been different if she dumped him instead of him dumping her that doesn't matter because at that time that's what you guys wanted to do that that that was something that you both wanted to do at that time and if you guys decide to break up whether it's her or him or whatever it doesn't matter is that let it go you know that

people what people do is in life they take and they make excuses because, you know, to say, okay, you hurt me or, you know, I'm going to. That's just a way of just holding on to the baggage. You know, let it go. You know what I mean? Life is too short. You know, we can make bad decisions. We'll make bad mistakes. But you know what?

It should be a learning experience. It should be a learning experience. Next time you want to go with somebody or whatever, you let her buy her you buy yours okay you know what i mean or whatever you know until you get another person but and you never want to do anything or if you can't afford to to lose tacky yeah i agree yes and i'm saying and i also kind of what struck me was that um he wants so she's got the ticket she's probably gonna go probably gonna make you take a friend i would guess that he wants... So she's got the ticket. She's probably going to go, probably going to maybe take a friend, I would guess. Girls' night out. Sure, something like that.

That he still wants to go to the concert and potentially be in the same area as her listening to mushy music. That seems a little bit mean. Like, come on, respect the breakup time and try not to shove yourself in her face.

So you're saying it would be different, Jordan. Your assertion is that it would be different if it was like Black Flag or something like that? That they had conflict, something that was the opposite of mushy? No, it's tacky across the board, but I mean it's definitely worse because it's Coldplay. Definitely. Right. And a lot of times people, too, like you said, why would you want, if you break up with somebody, and she knew and he knew that they had this concert to go to or whatever,

so evidently, you know, it had to be something that, you know, that was a mutual agreement. Yeah. You know, for them to be able to go because they knew they had these tickets or whatever. I mean, now, sometimes you can part, like, when I went on my cruise, I went with my ex-boyfriend. We still, you know, we're still good friends. You know what I'm saying? So when we broke up, we didn't break up

like, you know, like we hated each other. Whenever I break up with somebody, I don't break up like that. I still remain friends because, you know what, you don't want to burn any bridges because you never know. You never know when you need to go back across that bridge again yeah and you know and you don't want to end up missing cold play so you don't you don't ever treat your ex poorly yeah exactly and that guy that's on him quite frankly because he needs to fake it for two weeks to go to the cold play show doesn't he before he dumps this one yeah right what was he knows it's coming

so pressing unless you walked in and she's with chris martin in the sack there's really no reason for you to do this. Exactly. Also, you're a grown man. Why are you so excited about colds? Final thought on that. Next question. Hi. I have a question for Juanita, Carol, Drew, and Jesse Go.

So I'm a freshman in college, and I'm taking a geology course, and's like really interesting and I really like it and I'm thinking about majoring in geology but I don't know what I would do with a geology degree. So Juanita, should I follow my heart into the field of geology or should I have a more reasonable major or more practical, I guess. I don't know.

All right, thanks a lot. Bye. So now Juanita, you already, I know for a fact that you have a practical attitude towards education, because if I'm not mistaken, you are in part in Spanish class in order to further your career at the California Departmentia department of motor vehicles well not not quite what it was was i was um trying to learn spanish because i'm trying to get a sober living home um i'm going to go ahead and get my business administration uh degree um a degree because i want to open up a sober living home and i want to do it in south central los andes it's basically predominantly you know hispanics and, you know, African-Americans. So I didn't want to learn how to do that. Now, it would benefit me to learn Spanish as well for my job for the Department of Motor Vehicles

because it's an extra $100 on my check. Juanita, let me ask you this. Yeah, you know, but at that point, but no, but it was much better because I want to be able to reach out to just more than just, you know, I'm a diversity person. I like to help everybody. You know me, I love everybody. And there's nobody I don't love. You know, I mean, there's good, bad, and ugly in every culture. And that's what people really, really need to understand is that, you know, it's like no matter what culture you come from, what upbringing you had,

as long as you have breath in your body, it can be turned around. And as far as the question for the gentleman is whatever pleases you, whatever makes you happy, because this is a dream that you're going to have to do. If you want to be in geology, you know, if you want to be, you know, the next, you know, major gigolo, what have you done? Make sure, you know, make sure that's what you want to do, not what somebody else wants to do. It's what's going to make you happy because this is your dream.

I messed up my dream for 25 years. I wanted to be a doctor, you know, and I messed that up, and God gave me another chance, you know, to do and be something else, you know, work for the Department of Motor Vehicles for 26 years and, you know, be able to raise my children, you know, be able to pay my bills. But that's not what my first dream was. If I had to do all over again, I would have followed my dream. I would have followed what I wanted because, see, you're going to be doing that, you know, five days a week, six days a week, seven days a week, you know, and you're going to be doing that, you know, and you at work when you're at home. So whatever it is that

you want to do, make sure that's what you want to do, not what somebody else wants to do. You know, I don't put, because I didn't make a doctor become a doctor, I don't put that to my kids, oh, you have to be a doctor, you have to be a lawyer, you have to be a judge. No, that was my dream. So whatever your dream is, you follow that dream. God doesn't even tell us what we need to do. He even gives us free range of what it is that we want to do. So do what you want to do.

Follow your heart. Follow your dream. I'm coming back at 51 years old to school to follow mine. So I missed my first dream. Now I've got a second dream and second goals that I want to try to work toward. So that's what I'm doing, and I'm not going to let anybody stop me. You know what? I'm impressed by, I'm impressed by, you know, how many times have we heard this

story? A guy who wants to pursue geology. You know what I mean? But his parents won't let him. His parents want him to get into herpetology. Exactly. The study of reptiles. Okay. I've got to tell this young man that if you go ahead and get your degree in geology and you are well on your way to the first step toward opening a sober living home.

Okay, next question, next question. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and Juanita, I guess. This is Carol from Connecticut, and I'm calling because I need advice. So I have this adorable neighbor. I call him Neighbor Dan, and he lives a few floors above me in my building. Neighbor Dan and I went to junior high together, and we've talked a little bit

because we know each other from our hometown and whatever. But anyway, for like the past six months, every time we bump into each other, we always just have these really awkward conversations, and they're usually about the weather. And normally I'm a really outgoing person, and for some reason, I can never think of anything funny or charming or witty or anything to say to him except respond to his comments about the weather. So any help you can give me to help move this relationship forward,

I would greatly appreciate it. Bye. Sounds like Carol's got a crush on her neighbor. Yes, she does. Her junior high neighbor. My thing right here is, advice to you, Carol, is if you want something, you go after it. You go get it.

You know, you put your best effort. It's not about waiting on a man to come and tell you, you know, and make the first step. Whenever I want to make, I have never went out there and never got what I didn't want. I mean, in other words, I never had a problem getting what I want. Any man, anybody, anything. If I want it, I go after it. And you make the first approach. What's wrong with you making the first approach or whatever?

You know, starting out, you know, whatever, you know, letting him know that maybe, you know, do you want to go out, you know, for a drink? Do you want to go out for dinner? You know, do you want to go for a walk? Or, you know, letting him know that you're interested, you know. And for me, if I'm with somebody, I bat my eyes. I come over there, you know, I start the conversation.

me, if I'm with somebody, I bat my eyes, I come over there, you know, I start the conversation, and, you know, I, you know, open up and maybe with a joke, or, you know, try to say something funny, or either I tell him, you know what, I like you, you know what, you know what, you know, I've been looking at you for a long time, I like you, I like what I see, you know, and, you know, I hope that you like me, and he's talking about, if he's talking about politics and weather or whatever, he's trying to let you know he's interested in a boring way, but, you know, what you guys need to do is, okay, you step your game up and say, you know what, since you like the weather so much, hey, you know,

what about going for a walk? You know, let's go for a walk. If we don't do anything, let's go for a walk over here to Starbucks or let's go walk over here to Sears, you know, whatever, you know. Or let's go upstairs and fuck. Hello! It's really nice out. You know, so, I mean, I'm very outspoken, and I believe in going for what I want, and

going after for what I want. I'm not shy, and things or whatever, and so if you like this guy, you know, let him know you like him. There's nothing wrong with it. There's nothing wrong with you letting them know that you like him. Now, wait a minute though, Juanita, because you are an outgoing woman.

As you said, you're not afraid to ask for what you want. It sounds to me like Carol, while obviously she's a charmer, she's a little bit shy around this guy because she likes him. What do you think she can do to psych herself up to just ask for what she wants? You know what she could do maybe is sit in the mirror

and pretend like it's somebody who either practiced with one of her sisters or brothers or friends or whatever. Just let them know, I really like this guy here, but I'm shy. Pretend like you're him, and I'm going to them know, I really like this guy here, but I'm shy. And, you know, you know, once you, because you're like him, and I'm going to tell you, I'm going to try some lines on him, some lines on you, and maybe to break the, you know, that first little scaredness that you feel, you know what I mean? Yeah.

And sometimes you can do like role playing, you know, or whatever. Me, I don't need a role playing, you know, you know what, hey, you know, Jesse, I like you, I like what I see, you know. Hey, I'm married, Juan know, or whatever. Me, I don't need a role-playing. You know, hey, you know, Jesse, I like you. I like what I see, you know. Hey, I'm married, Juanita. Slow down. Hey, that's how I am, you know. Looks like 101 for Thanksgiving.

Juanita, thank you so much for coming on Jordan, Jesse. Go with us. It was a pleasure. Okay, it was a pleasure. Nice to meet you, Juanita. Okay, nice to meet you, too. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. It's like a Star Wars name. It is.

It's Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Mike Schmidt, on couch. Jordan, do you remember this? We put out this action item. We threw it out into the ether. We didn't know if there was going to be a response.

We were looking for a good action item. This was, I'm going to say, two weeks ago, possibly three weeks ago. We wanted someone to ask an old person to show them what was in their pockets. Yes, to be fair, this was not my idea. This was suggested to me. And it's a good idea, I it is a good idea now we got exactly the response we expected to this initially which is no one wants to bother an old person yeah to see what's in their pockets and it's hard to do that without being a jerk about it well we would insist that people should do it in a non-jerk way

let's be clear. Yes. Mike, you're looking at me like we're trying to tell people to be a jerk to an old person. No, not at all. I was going to say that it looked like nobody was going to do this, and then you heard from Cindy McCain. She's a longtime listener. A longtime listener, indeed. So the good news, though, guys, the great news even, is that we did get a call from a listener who did follow through on this amazing action item.

Here it is. Jordan, Jesse, Dodds from Missoula, Montana. At the bar with some friends, after our friend Charles, the old man, sitting next to us, what was in his pockets. What we found were the billfold, a camera lens, several Ricola, chapstick, pens, a big sampling of pictures. He was wearing cargo pants, if that helps at all. I guess. That's what he had in his pockets. So I love the show. Keep it up.

Thanks. One of the reasons people like to listen to this show, Mike, and just so you know, like, for example, people like to listen to your show because they're impressed by how many fights you've been in. Okay. Yes, that's exactly why. Can we just hold for a second?

I want to get back on track. I just noticed out the window, someone's garbage bag is hanging up from their fire escape. It's a clear garbage bag, Spider-Man mask in there. Oh, my God. I don't know. Sorry, I thought that was worth derailing everything. That's Venom's apartment.

He's like, that's it. Got to dispose of this. Yeah. He was Spider-Man for halloween people thought it was real funny one what did the alien symbiote think i they're one in the same now oh i gotcha um so one of the things people listen to our show for is to get a little insight into the human condition, to see inside the pockets of an old man, for example. If people didn't listen, it's like, I don't know if you've ever heard the National Public Radio feature This I Believe, but on like a morning edition, they'll have someone do a brief

essay about one of their core beliefs. It's either an NPR listener or Penn Jillette. Yeah, exactly. One of the two. Wow, that sounds like one too many. It could be, now to be fair, it could be the late Studs Terkel or Al Gore. So we're trying to kind of give a window into the cargo pockets of an old man in this case. You succeeded. And we've learned that old men have a camera lens

in their pocket. Yeah, a camera lens is great, but no camera. There's no camera there. No, there's photographs and a lens. God, I'd love to hear what the photographs were of. That's an old dude. You know he's trying to put that lens on his camera phone. Sure. Trying to screw it on somehow. I can't get this. I'm old.

Who wants a root beer candy? He's got it attached with rubber cement. Yeah. Painting on the rubber cement with the little brush. Anyway, I encourage people. I want to know who's in more pockets. This is what I'm going to do. We had it limited to just old people.

Okay. I want to know what's in anyone's pockets, whose pockets are worth investigating so it's sort of a two-part action item first of all you have to let us know why it was important to find out what was in this person's pockets for example let's just say it was uh somebody wearing a spider man outfit sure that's just in one example let's say it just one example. Let's say it's a... Probably no pockets. Let's say it's a guy... If he has pockets

in his Spider-Man outfit, that's a bad outfit. Yeah, right? Well, maybe he's wearing like... Spidey's got to be aerodynamic. You know, sometimes somebody will go to the... Yeah, he webs his wallet

and stuff up into a corner and comes and gets it later. Somebody will wear one of those belts with the pouches hanging off of it for a Ren Faire. That's what I think.

The guy who wears the Spider-Man outfit, he also has a Ren Faire outfit. So he just puts on the belt from his Ren Faire. I think I should make a point about this. Hang on. I have one thing to say to Mike about his point earlier. We're not talking about the real Spider-Man. That's a fictional character.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, thank you for clearing that up. We're talking about a guy dressed as Spider-Man. Thank God you cleared that up. Okay, anyway, go ahead, Jordan. This is an insane person. Yeah, go ahead.

Now, the person who suggested this to me had done this a couple of times. Uh-huh. Cute lady. Okay. This woman who called. Yes. I'm guessing cute lady. Right.

Kind of cute, raspy voice. Now, I'm going to take a guess as to what direction this is heading in. Yeah, I'm just saying... Most of our listeners are creepy nerds. No, I'm... No, no, no. Creepy nerd dudes. I'm not making a judgment about our listeners.

But they are. Or their patchy beards. Yeah, they do have patchy beards. And I'm just saying that this action item is infinitely easier for a girl to accomplish. So extra kudos if you're a dude. Yeah. Okay. Fair enough.

Good point. Yeah. If you're a dude and maybe wearing a t-shirt, you bought it from the VG Cats website. Uh-huh. Which you probably are. What is VG Cats? Video game webcomics. Okay.

Gotcha. Drawn in an anime style. Gotcha. I didn't mean to derail you. Now you're thinking about your Christmas list. Go ahead. So yeah, extra points if you're a dude who can find... Because, you know, you're an old guy, you're at a bar, you have a pocket full of pictures. And I'm guessing a younger lady

comes in. What's in your pocket? Great. You're more than happy to oblige. But it's a true feat if you're a dumpus. A dumpus dude. And you can pull this off. So do you think if a dude calls in they should mention also whether or not they're a dumpus?

Yes, please. Tell us on a scale they're a dumpus? Yes, please. Tell us on a scale of one to dumpus. How dumpus are you? But there's lots of people whose pockets I'd be interested in knowing what's inside. Let's say you met Buzz Aldrin. Oh, yeah. The astronaut. Moon rocks.

Yeah. And gum. Moon rocks. Because his ears pop. It's probably orbit scum. Oh, nicely done. I would say. Or maybe orbit scum. Oh, nicely done. I would say. Or maybe space scum.

You never know. Okay, so if you meet a person whose pockets we'd like to know the contents of, ask them to reveal them to you and then call them into our hotline, 206-9844-FUN. Mike hates this. No, I just don't like the caveat of would it be people we would like to look in their pockets. I think you want to look in everybody's goddamn pockets. There's no time. But he keeps adding that weird exception.

No, because I think if we say that, then people are just going to say this is what's in my buddy's pockets. Well, if someone calls and they say, well, here's why I thought that his pockets were worth investigating, are you going to just go, fuck that, and fast forward like they didn't meet your criteria? Yeah, absolutely. Sure. Yeah, I'm just going to delete it.

You don't play all our calls. How dumb is a view? Yeah. But we cast a broad net for who we would consider to be interesting. It doesn't just have to be Buzz Aldrin. I think, for example, let's say you're at a parade

and one of those guys comes by with a big stick, and at the end of the stick it has all the different inflatable toys. Oh, sure. I'd be interested in hearing what's inside that guy's pockets. A gun. And change. And gum. Space gum, perhaps?

Space gum. Anyway, I'm throwing it open. I think there's a lot of possibilities for different... Your landlord. I mean, be interested to find out what's in your landlord's pockets. Right? Yes. Right?

Right? Right? Yes. Okay. From time to time on the program, we ask people to call in and share with us momentous occasions that are happening in their lives. This is anything truly important that we haven't heard about before on Jordan, Jesse, go from babysitting some children who lock you on the porch, which was one to the all-time great,

the first time a guy ever went to a cross-dressing bar. great. The first time a guy ever went to a cross-dressing bar. So whatever it is that's going on in your life that's really important, small or big, is a momentous occasion. We've got two neat momentous occasions this week. Hey, Jordan, just to go. This is Brady from Dartmouth, North Carolina. I'm calling it a momentous occasion. I just, a couple hours ago, hit my first hole-in-one playing golf, which is kind of cool. And my wife, who was not there when I got back home, made me a Rice Krispie treat signifying a hole-in-one, which is more impressive, visualized, than described.

That's a powerful symbolism. Yeah. That's some Joseph Campbell-level shit. The Rice Krispies have tiny holes in them. Mm-hmm. Each Rice Krispie is full of holes. So in this case... That's why you get the snap, crackle, pop.

I guess there's many holes in one Rice Krispie, then. One Rice Krispie treat? Yeah, in one Rice Krispie. Eh, holes, it's fine. It just holdspie. Eh, it holds. It's fine. It just holds up. It holds up. It's chewy, too. Yeah. And it's really good. I don't know if you've ever had one of these treats. This is a good treat.

I hate them. Really? You know what? I hate to be that guy who reigns on this parade. I cannot stand a Rice Krispie treat. Now, is this just the prepackaged ones? I don't like any. I don't like marshmallow. Oh, okay. Well, that'll do it. I like Lucky Charms marshmallows. Okay.

But I don't like marshmallows or marshmallow. What is a Lucky Charms marshmallow? That's not... It's just something that... Sugar clump. Yeah, exactly. They mold it in the form of a shamrock. Why is it called a marshmallow?

Because you can't call it a sugar clump. Because they don't want to call it a sugar clump. Yeah. They tried that with Super Sugar Crisp and had to fucking change it. Okay, sure. Fair enough. Fair enough. Okay, one more momentous occasion. Hey, Jordan, just to go. This is Abraham from Connecticut.

And I was just calling to let you know about a momentous occasion. I just watched this black dude get elected president of the USA. Yes, momentous occasion. Get his license plate number. I just watched this black dude get elected president of the USA. Yes. Momentous occasion. Get his license plate number. Did he get a Rice Krispie treat afterwards? Mike, I don't mean to keep just backtracking so I can explain stuff to you, but not all momentous occasions have to have a Rice Krispie treat in them.

Oh, okay. It's suggested. We suggest it. Well, I thought it would be appropriate because his election filled the hole in the heart of our nation. That's a good point. That is a really good point. So, again, you need a powerful hole type symbol. I thought that was the way to go.

Yeah, sure. Did you know that my beloved wife, Teresa, Mike Mike you would never know this in a million years Jordan did you know that my beloved wife Teresa is afraid of holes why would I know that uh because it comes up I mean it's it's weird like it's not worthy ground I don't know I don't understand like how specific does that get or okay so Teresa let me let me paint a picture here theresa not crazy at all nothing weird about theresa to speak of she's not an eccentric sure in any way except that anything with a lot of holes like for example let's say like um uh like like those ceiling panels uh those like uh white ceiling panels with the holes in them

stuff yeah she hates those um anything but she really hates she particularly hates regular holes so like um if it was like a uh uh like a car oh you know what she hates uh broguing on shoes she doesn't like broguing on shoes. She doesn't like perforated shoes. It gives her the creeps. It creeps her out. For some reason, holes creep her out. That's what I'm saying. Is it an aesthetic thing?

Because I hate dry ground. Really? Yeah, like drought, desert drought cracked earth. Because it's too stiff? Just the very appearance of it makes me want, it gives me the creeps. It gives me a crawly skin, like goosebumps. That's what it's like. That's what it's like for Teresa. She hates it.

It creeps her out. It just makes her upset. In the movie Evil Dead, do you remember the movie Evil Dead? Yes. Ash gets stabbed with a pencil. I think it's Ash or somebody. And the effect that they use, because it was a poor effect, it cracks like the cracked earth. Like lead goes up his calf,

and it makes this weird, and I couldn't, I remember freaking out at the movie theater watching it, and just going, oh my, it weirded me out so much. That's exactly what it's like.

It's amazing to me, and I want to say, I want to be absolutely clear here, I am, I think it's, hold on, be absolutely clear if you would. You have no more of your riddles,

Mr. Sphinx. Get your puzzles on the fucking shelf, pal. We want to know what you're talking about. I think that this, while bizarre, is utterly spectacular. I think it's amazing. I mean, it's inconvenient in some cases. It's going to be a pain in the ass. It's not that bad, really. I mean, it's such a marginal thing that whenever it comes up, I mean, I feel bad for Teresa because it upsets her.

I mean, it sincerely upsets her when it comes up. And you can never eat bagels. But to me, every time it happens, it's amazing. A hole is okay. Something with one hole is fine. Oh, okay. It's like a hole pattern. Sure, I get it.

Situation. But it's just so remarkable to me whenever it comes up that, I mean, I can't outwardly be too delighted because it'll piss Teresa off because she's actually upset about it. But it's amazing to me, and I'm absolutely for it. I don't think it's crazy. I just think it's great. You know what I mean? It's good. You take delight in her suffering.

I do. I mean, anything that goes wrong with Teresa, I am right there on board with. It is just amazing. And I mean, it's bad for her, but it's great for me. I guess just to summarize, if you don't mind me... Mike, do you mind if I summarize? Please do, and be clear about it.

Anything bad that happens to my wife is great for me. All right. Anyway, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. I actually hear her packing. All right. Anyway, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. I actually hear her packing. Hold on. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Mike Schmidt, not going to be here next week. No, he's just a visitor. He's a visitor in my home, Jordan. Do you mind if I explain what's going on? Well, only if it's clear. This is the most polite show in the history of shows. Good Christ.

Is that a slide to play thing? I defer to you, good sir. It's a sponsorship thing. One time, what happened is, one time, we were having dinner with some sponsors. I put my elbows on the table. What? Exodus. We lost six sponsors when I put my elbows on the table once.

Good lord. One time. We lost Mountain Dew. We lost Slim Jim. We lost Clorox. Clor Jim. We lost Clorox. Clorox. Hostess. We did lose Hostess and Little Debbie. We had them both on board.

And they're both the same dinner? They both left. The last one, Sega Genesis. You'd think how old this was. They're out. This is a long meeting from a long time ago. Although, to be fair, this was like in the Dreamcast era. It was, it was, I was surprised that they were still doing advertising for the

Genesis. Post-Saturn, pre-Dreamcast. Yeah, I mean, and it was weird to me, but I thought they would focus on, I don't know, Crazy Taxi or something. But, you know, they wanted to talk about Echo the Dolphin, mostly. Mostly Echo the Dolphin. Jordan, you got a stroke with the video game world, right? Yeah. Aren't you that guy? Yeah, sure. Can you call Koei and get him to make Genghis Khan for the Xbox?

I can put in a call, but they're probably only interested in making eight sequels to Dynasty Warriors per year. Against Marvel Universe, perhaps? Yeah, Dynasty Warriors per year. Against Marvel Universe, perhaps? Yeah, Dynasty Warriors. They're doing like a Gundam Dynasty Warriors now, like themed Dynasty Warriors. If I could interject, me right now is like Jordan when we were talking about Steve Bedrock Bedrosian.

I just, there was a video game. If I could be clear, hold on one second. How would you feel about a Romance of the Three Kingdoms? That seems like a more reasonable goal. I know they have it, and they're going to do it, but it's just the Genghis Khan for the Nintendo, man, I would be obsessed staying up for days playing it, like that kind of game,

trying to unify the world and having a huge war. Trust me, it is really great. It sounds like the Dan Quisenberry of video games. I think it just might be, as a matter of fact. Yeah. I'm lost again. Okay, so action items this week. The holiday contest is on.

Nobody has submitted a completed holiday, but I have heard about some holiday project. But I have heard about some good stuff. Number one, you know King Grebo. Sure. You know King Grebo you know king greebo sure king greebo is working on he's working on a costume for his baby now he he posted a picture of a napoleon costume that he completed for his baby truly spectacular from the epaulettes to the booties really um this was a really fantastic And he's working on an elf costume.

He says it has to be in the holiday spirit. Basically, our holiday contest is people have to make stuff in the holiday spirit. And then I am going to pay these people to make things. I've got a $100 pot that I will divide as I see fit for whoever has the best stuff. Do they have to make it for babies? Yeah, you have to make it from babies. I mean, in your case, you could bite the baby, chew it up, spit? Yeah, you have to make it from babies. I mean, you can, in your case, you could bite the baby, chew it up, spit it back out, and then mold it into something.

Nice, I'm in. So we had the elf costume coming up. Someone else posted these animations he makes for holiday cards by drawing on a piece of paper and taking a thousand pictures of it. And he showed a Halloween one, which is not one of the holidays.

It is not of the holidays. It is the symbol that the holidays are beginning, but it is not one of the holidays. It's the gateway to the true holidays. Exactly. So it has to be something... It's the last non-holiday before the real holidays. I see.

Precisely. So it showed a lot of promise, but I'm looking for something with a Christmas theme, a Hanukkah theme, a generic war on Christmas holiday theme. Whatever it is. Is that still a thing? War on Christmas?

Is that over? I think it's coming back. I hope it comes back. Me too. It was amazing. It was delightful. You don't think Obama shuffles that right out the door? He loves Christmas, doesn't he?

Muslims like Christmas. Only they call it Explosion Day. That's pretty much every day. Yeah, right. Am I right or am I right? That's right. It's like the kind of the old English 12 days of Christmas. It's the 12 days of explosions.

Yeah. Oh, man, those Muslims. Anyway. Yeah. yeah oh man those muslims anyway yeah um on the subject of action items we also are asking people to go through their pockets i think we'll have do you think we'll have juanita back on the show i think we had a good time yeah sure it's definitely people want more advice yeah so if you need more advice from juanita i might have her on my show. She's welcome. She's welcome to invite her. She's a free agent. I'll give you her number.

She's under contract. Lock her up. She's fantastic. And so that's our action items for this week. Of course, that holiday contest. I want to see something great. I'd love to have a holiday contest entry that we can play on the show. Something audio?

Something in audio format. That would be nice. But of course, there's the thread on the forum for people to post their holiday contest things. nice but of course there's the thread on the forum for people to post their holiday uh contest things and also i insist i'm going to take this opportunity as the host of this program to insist that people investigate mike schmidt's podcast sure he's online at mike schmidt comedy.com sure mike schmidt.com you might learn a lot about the philly slugger but that's not what we're looking for here we could go we'll go download the dicky thon podcast if we're looking for yeah you know what i mean some information on randy lurch

exactly precisely but uh uh if you're looking for if you're looking for a delightful monologue podcast sure this is what mike does i'm just going to summarize do you mind if i summarize it real quick i'll do it clearly i'll do it clearly i may leap in and correct you okay so mike talks into a microphone for a solid hour he'll tell a story of a terrible mistake he made in his youth uh something that he doesn't understand in the contemporary world and uh off microphone his uh producer will laugh like a banshee yeah my banshees scream what laughs like a he hyena will laugh like a hyena it is an amazing journey into the mind of a man who has made a lot of poor decisions in his life and continues to do so and continues today continues to do so but but also has a has a really room for... This is what's amazing about it. For someone who's made so many mistakes

and continues to make mistakes, has a lot of good perspective on it. Well, I'm not a rock head. No, you're a bright guy. That's the thing. It's so funny. There are people who think I'm this meathead who just does all these horrible or terrible things. I had a story I told on the show, where I wound up throwing a handful of food into a little girl's face. Sure! It was like sautéed onions

and peppers. Yeah! It was a fajita place. It's soft. But it was piping hot probably. Blasted her with it. It was warm, it wasn't piping hot. And laughed, telling the story, laughing. And I received email from people who said, that's it. I can no longer listen to your show after hearing the delight you took in that.

And I'm like, look, this happened when I was 18 years old, 17, 18. So we're talking 23 years ago. And it's funny. It's fucking stupid. And it was wrong. And I absolutely agree with that. And now, 23 years later, that woman is your producer. Exactly.

Absolutely. And she was laughing. I had a story where I threw a cat at my little brother, and people were just so angry. And I just said, look, have you never been so angry that I fired off an email? Yeah, it was handy, and it was the argument, and it happened. One time, my dad stabbed his brother in the head with a pencil. Do you see what I'm talking about? Yeah. Just fun stuff.

But I don't mind talking about them. I always think when I have a friend and I discuss this with him, I always think everybody's done this sort of thing. And everybody's done the things that I've done or experienced the same thing. And I just talk about it. But then I hear from people who are genuinely stunned at stuff that I've done. I've never been in a fight. I have been fighted, you might say. I have received fight a couple of times.

Yeah, that's not fun when that happens. And I've never, you know what, if I'm going to get down with somebody, it happens, you know, it's a mutual exchange. Yeah. I've never. That is a point that was made. There's a lot of discussion on the forum. You probably read the thread on the forum about Mike's podcast. It was a very lively discussion, pages long.

And sometimes people will be like, I don't know, what is going on with this guy? But you have a legion of fans on our forum, and that is the point that they will make. Never are you just trying to fight someone who doesn't want to get in a fight, who isn't party to the situation. You're not just going around punching people like that guy who punched me in the face while I was walking down the street one time. Yeah, that's grim. You know, it's just, I don't think I'm, to me again, I don't think I'm doing anything differently than other people have done.

Everyone has, my friend put it very well. My friend Dave that I talk to all the time in Chicago said, you know what, dude? He goes, everybody has a story. A story that they can always break out and tell at a party and makes everybody go, wow. He goes, you have a bunch of those. Your whole life is that. And you're not afraid to talk about it, I guess. And, you know, everybody has, like,

you got punched in the face in the street. To me, that's an amazing story. Why wouldn't you tell that story? It's so ludicrous and so weird and impacted you to the point where you still remember it vividly today. Sure. So I don't see anything wrong with telling those stories

and talking about those experiences. Mike Schmidt's podcast is The 40-Year-Old Boy. He's also MikeSchmidtComedy.com. Mike, I have a question. I was reading the form about your podcast before I knew you were coming back on. I encounter this sometimes when I'm looking at a new podcast

that's been going on for a while. Do you have a suggestion for a starter episode for someone who's never listened? When I did my first... Because I used to be on Never Not Funny, and that was very much like this, very cool, where three people could carry the water, and you're going back and forth, and you're in a room with two other very funny people.

And it was daunting to do what I decided to do. Or it's like this in the sense that there's two very funny people, one earnest person who occasionally says something funny. That's usually me the guest i very earnestly uh stopped by but i uh it was weird i mean it was very strange i i it's easier to do with multiple people and and it's more fun i i won't lie to you it's just uh uh i don't have people who want to do the show with me i it turned out where i took a year off where i don't probably do it who don't you think one needed to do it oh man i don It turned out where I took a year off. Juanita will probably do it.

Who? Don't you think Juanita would do it? Oh, man. I don't know if I can afford the phone bill. She's not going to come visit me. That's true. I go to her house on Thanksgiving. I cut 100 different episodes with one person every time.

Absolutely. I think we could just waltz up to that Thanksgiving. No one would know. You wouldn't understand. They might. There might be something that gives it away. In my imagination, all of Juanita's relatives are also named Juanita. Do they all know Spanish, too?

Maybe it's their last name. Maybe it's their first name. I don't know. It's like that episode of The Simpsons where he peeks over the fence to see the Flanders family reunion. And you also, Mike, you also write for ComedyFilmNerds.com. I do. I haven't put anything up recently, but they've been very nice to me. So go there.

Graham Elwood's very funny. Jackie Cation, Laura House, very funny writers write stuff. Do you have any stand-up dates coming up that you can plug? You know what? I'm doing, when is this air? This is airing on Tuesday. Okay. It'll go Monday, Tuesday, something like that.

Oh, okay. Well, last night you would have seen me somewhere. Okay, good. But I'm doing basically a lot of the open mic stuff in Los Angeles. Okay, so we'll see you around. Yeah, I might be doing something at the UCB December 9th. I don't know if that's official yet. And also I...

December 9th? Yeah, December 9th is official. Is it? They're going to put it between 8th and 10th. It's locked in? Yeah. All right, that's good news. I'm glad they're doing that.

And I do... There was a lot of confusion. My producer, Lily, has MondayNightTees.com, and she puts on a Monday Night Tees burlesque show, and I'm actually hosting that again in December, I believe. Oh, that's going to be fun. Yeah, so go to MondayNightTees.com, or at my website, you'll always find information about it.

I'm hosting that this Monday, but then I'll also be hosting it, I think, twice in December. There you go, the one and only Mike Schmidt. Am I right, Jordan, or am I right? Yes. december there you go the one and only mike schmidt am i right jordan or am i right yes uh if you have if you have thoughts on the action items 206-984-4 fun our theme music of course love you by the free design um it is uh from the best of the free design which is called kites are fun on light in the attic records courtesy of the free design and light in the attic records they

were both kind enough to let us use that music for free, so buy their CD because it's great. You know, that was in an episode of Weeds. Did we talk about that? I do not think so. Okay, just a general announcement. Stop emailing me to tell me that it was in an episode of Weeds. Yes, it was. Dozens

of people have told me that at this point. I appreciate the heads up. I'm glad you associate it with Jordan Jesse Go. I'm sure Weeds does not. I'm sure the folks who are running Weeds, they're not just like, ah, you know what we need? That Jordan Jesse Go song. You know, the song from the show with thousands of listeners. Okay, well, we'll see you next week on Jordan and Jesse Go. Bye-bye.