Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 81: Antique Appraiser

Episode Date: November 24, 2008

Seth Morris joins Jesse and Jordan to talk about Las Vegas, apple butter, and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, brandy, maggoty, netty, twiddle, dum, go more apple butter discussion than ever before.

Plus, we find out exactly what slot machine best expresses my personality. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective with us uh writer improviser marin former marin county california resident uh your title these days is head writer for funny or die.com is that right i'm all right i'm not the head writer you're a writer for funny or die.com seth mor, welcome to the program. Thanks for having me.

It seems like the odd descriptor out in that was Marin resident. Well, it's important. That's important stuff because, Jordan, here's the thing. You know this. Our audience probably doesn't know this. My wife, Teresa, was born and raised in Marin County in California, which is the county immediately north of San Francisco. Most of it is very tony.

Most of it is very lefty. It is sort of the definitional kind of affluent, new agey, et cetera, et cetera. Now, I have to say, I should insert here that Teresa's family has lived in Marin a long time, like many generations. And Teresa's family is actually moderately blue collar. But they're comfortable

in this milieu. There's no doubt about that. And, you know, it's an interesting place. The dad has a pickup truck, but he's got a dream catcher in it. Is what you're saying. He actually does. The dad has a pickup truck, but he's got a dream catcher in it. That's what you're saying. He actually does. He works at a hardware store, has a pickup truck from the hardware store. I bet it does have it.

At the least, it has a Jackson Brown tape in it. So it is a unique place. Not a place given to birthing great comics, i'd say although dana carvey does live there right um you move there to get away from it all yeah well i think he moved there to have a botched heart surgery of some kind yeah i had a horribly but i used to work at a preschool i used to teach his kids at a preschool really yeah that's fantastic That's fantastic. Yeah. So it's really Teresa's comedy heroes. You know how you sort of have local hometown

comedy heroes, sort of how I feel so strongly about like Culture Clash, the sketch group originally from San Francisco, or how I feel so strongly about, you know,

our buddies like Jasper Redd, Brent Weinbach, you know, people from San Francisco who are really hilarious. And I have, being from Orange County, I have

that really funny DJ who spins at Hennessy's on Thursday night. Also Gwen Stefani. Gwen Stefani, sure. Really big Gwen Stefani booster. I guess Orange County considers Will Ferrell a native son. Oh, there you go. That's something.

That's absolutely something. That's real. And so for Teresa... He's been in films. It That's absolutely something. That's real. And so for Teresa. He's been in films. It's Seth Morris and Arj Barker. I remember when she, each time she, I remember both of the instances where she found out that they were from Marin. I think Seth was maybe on stage at SF Sketch Fest with his improv group Naked Babies. Did a scene where he was a Marin guy.

And I said, you know, Seth is from Marin. Just her eyes lit up and her heart opened to let Seth in. Yeah. You know? Did we actually officially say your name, Seth? I think we did. Yeah, we did. I said it.

Okay, no, you're right. I'm sorry. I said it. Marin, did you ever see Serial? It's a movie. Oh, yes. Martin Mall. I did'm sorry. I said it. Marin, did you ever see Serial? It's a movie. Oh, yes. Martin Mull. I did not see the movie of it.

I didn't even know there was a movie of it, but I have a copy of the book. Oh, you have the book. See, I didn't know there was a book for a long time. Yeah, there's a book. This is this serial novel called The Serial that came out in the Marin Independent Journal. Marin IJ is what they call it in Mill Valley. It's very independent. Yeah, extremely, extremely.

You can't tie it down to one ideology. And it's basically, from the little that I read of it, I bought it at a used bookstore as a gag gift for Teresa for Christmas once. You guys have a lot of fun. You guys have a lot of fun. You guys have a lot of fun with your gag gifts. It's sort of like a 1981 type of thing. Does that sound about right? Like 1983.

It introduced to the world the idea of Marin, basically. It's almost like a self-parody of Marin. I would say it almost introduced the world to the idea of like making fun of new agey kind of exactly it's actually pretty funny though martin mole who's awesome is really good in it i'm not sure that the book is supposed to

be funny oh really yeah okay that's that's now when you said martin mole was in the movie i thought i immediately understood what the tone of it was. Right, right. I don't think the book is supposed to be a joke. Oh, okay. It's got a lot of cocaine in it. There's a lot of cocaine and a lot of dream catchers. Yeah. That kind of sums up Marin right there.

Cocaine and dream catchers? Yeah, yeah. Sure, I'll buy that. We all went to Santa Cruz, and I heard, what's his name, the guy from Campervan, Beethoven, he summed up Santa Cruz as carrot juice and cigarettes. Sounds about right. Are we supposed to really like Campervan, Beethoven, because they're from Santa Cruz? Aren't they the only thing ever to come from Santa Cruz? Gosh, yeah.

Are they? Well, I mean, Santa Cruz is marked by a lot of intelligence and creativity and a total lack of ambition, as far as I could tell while I was there. The film Lost Boys was filmed there. People won't shut up about that. And then there was another one that Ben Affleck was in. Yeah, there was some direct-to-DVD Ben Affleck movie. Yeah, because the guy had gone to Santaanta cruz the director had gone to santa cruz and i remember um they because that's when i was

a student they this kid came in and obviously they said oh we'll give this some of the students a job and this kid thought he was so cool and he i remember he came in it was like 11 o'clock and he had a beer and he he's like, yeah, I'm working on this film. If anybody wants to be an extra, you can come on to the whatever. Come down to the quad. I worked at this Santa Cruz trivia. I worked at the Bagelry.

I think the owner of the Bagelry briefly was mayor of Santa Cruz while we were in college. Wasn't everybody mayor of Santa Cruz for a little while? That's kind of how they? That's kind of like Socrates. It's like an Indian council situation.

Every month they switch the mayor stick. If you're holding the conch, then you're mayor. I don't want to come down too hard on anybody. Wait, was that the piece of trivia that you worked at the bagel oh oh the other one was that i worked at the good earth on campus oh nice oh that's nice so you ate a lot of when we were at kzse the uh santa cruz radio station there was this guy called phineas uh

who came on after us something like that very nice young man. He did not attend UC Santa Cruz. He was attending community college in the area, but he had decided to get involved with community radio. Really, really nice guy. I really can't say enough about how nice Phineas was. He worked at, what was that called? The Food Bin? Is that what it was called?

The Food Bin. The Food Co-op. He would come up to the radio station with like a bag like a pay like a big brown paper bag like a grocery bag and it would have something inside it you never knew what that would be it was just something that was like uh too old to sell at the food bin or something and so he would like open it up and he'd like reach in and he'd be like like 75 grain bread and almond butter or up and he'd like reach in and he'd be like like 75 grain bread and almond butter or you know he was like reach in and be like brown bananas here we go just every

every single then he'd try and get us to eat them you know have some rice crackers and you know fish sauce it's really good it's natural yeah it's healthy one of my favorite memories of working at the good earth which is obviously a very hippie place is they were giving us some sort of like safety um lesson you know or um and uh one big thing was like you can't use any of the vegan stuff for anything but vegan stuff because people get really upset but there was a guy there who'd been he'd been working there for probably 20 years and he was one of these guys that you know had a big long dirty ponytail really nice guy i think his name is lee but he started telling us about how you got to be careful if you have like hot water he's like because i burned my foot with some potato water one time he's like it got into my converse, man.

It hurt, and everybody started laughing. He couldn't understand why. Potato water. I feel like that's a really good illustration of Santa Cruz, everyone laughing and the person not understanding why. Yeah, yeah. And also, they're really nice, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the other. You know, I just, speaking of safety trainings, I recently, somebody just yesterday sent me, somebody emailed me from UC Santa Cruz and said, I'm training something at UC Santa Cruz. I like to listen to your show. I've been listening since you were on KZSC. Would you record the voice on my training video? So I recorded a voice on cash handling for UC Santa Cruz. If anybody works at UC Santa Cruz

and is in a position where they're going to be handling some cash, they're going to be a cashier, for example. They're going to be a cash counter. What are they going to hear? Can you remember any of your lines? The CMC system is RQT

and LNOP up, down, left, and right. Jesse, that's the code for 99 lives. Oh, sorry. It was really intense, but now I just feel so proud that I've contributed now to my alma mater. Because you know they're not going to make another one of those for 30 years. It makes me feel a lot better about not being a member of the Alumni Association. Although the Alumni Association seems to have finally figured out where I live

and are really starting to harass me again. Were you guys in the theater department there? I was a little bit, yeah. Oh, okay. I was in a play once that Jordan wrote. Oh, what was it about? Oh, geez, what was that thing about? Oh, it was about guys who try that Jordan wrote. Ooh. What was it about? Oh, jeez. What was that thing about?

Oh, it was about guys who try and start their own religion. I auditioned for it because Jordan told me that I was in my last semester, and I needed extra credits because I got veterans benefits because my dad's a vet, and I needed to be a full-time student, but I didn't extra credits to graduate so I just needed some credits I could get and Jordan told me if I auditioned for his play they could cast me in his play in the part of radio announcer and I would have this radio announcer scene um where you know I was just a parody of a morning radio DJ very funny scene that Jordan wrote and so I was like oh that sounds like the hot setup. And then I auditioned, and like any situation where there's a sort of, we'll call it a B-quality theater department,

I think there was a shortage of guys auditioning for part. There was too many guy parts relative to the number of guys auditioning. Well, there were a lot of guys auditioning, but most of them just wanted to be in movement pieces. They kind of put that on their audition form, movement piece only. They stretched a lot before they did their radio announcer parody.

Right, yeah, exactly. So I ended up in the main part, and I've felt bad ever since because I feel like I ruined Jordan's play. Well, yeah. No, you did great. Far superior than a lot of those what about were you did you do theater stuff there i did yeah i mean they didn't have a film department when i was there so i did

i was in the theater department but i did kind of half film half theater did you were you interested in comedy then was that oh i was for sure but there wasn't any there yeah you didn't you didn't try out for um gm the short form improv group. You didn't try out for Um, Gee, Um, the short-form improv group? No, I didn't like one of the guys. Yeah. No, and I probably felt superior to them, and I was probably snotty. You probably were superior. I'm not trying to put down Um, Gee, Um.

No. You probably were superior to them. But no, I never did. Yeah, it was like, that's the thing too is i i knew because i got in accepted in there as a geology major and i kind of i knew that i wanted to act but i didn't think i was going to study study it and um but by the time i got there i i just okay i'm gonna do i'm gonna act and i hadn't been around theater to people for a long time and that's that's theater people as you, are a hardcore lot.

I'll tell you what I was surprised by. I took one acting class at UC Santa Cruz. Again, it was one of those things where I needed some credits. But I went to theater high school, right? So I did four years of theater when I was in high school. But when I got to UC Santa Cruz, it wasn't until I hit that acting class that I realized, oh, this is what people talk about when they talk about theater people. It was just all these people.

And there were certainly exceptions. But generally speaking, it were these people with this immense self-regard for their talent. They thought they were spectacular and they were terrible yeah they were just awful and i just felt so bad because i had gone to this you know this theater high school where i always felt like well i'm a i'm a freaking hack like i only got in because you know it's hard to get a 13 year old boy to audition for theater high school you know what i mean so they take what they can get but like among the you know among the women there are lots of people who are sincerely talented and are you know professional actors today but i when i got to santa cruz and i saw these people i'm like

oh this is like in a high school movie yeah when they show the theater dorks i had never understood that stereotype until i met the people in the theater department at uc santa cruz i was like oh it's these people this is why nobody likes you people what was your what was your crowning theater achievement there did you have one something you were especially proud of um no there's nothing that i was proud of there um no no there's nothing i was proud of okay um anything that's especially ridiculous i just remember what you said makes me think of like you get theater people and then you throw the hippie element in and yeah it's its own kind of intolerable when you're like oh you people are just awful okay guys we're gonna do antigone but uh i'd really i want to incorporate some circus

skills into this exactly so many circus skills at Santa Cruz. Just so many circus skills. I took an intense four-day-a-week, 18-hour-a-week course in clowning my senior year. That's awesome. Did you learn some good turns? Yeah, I learned some turns, some Lazi. I did a little Balinese mask work, too. Oh, excellent.

So it's really helped me in the kind of sketch improv world out here in LA. It's been very invaluable. When you're in an improv scene and you can bring out a classic latzo. That's true. Just for the obscure reference. Especially if you have the masks. Like if you're in a scene, somebody initiates, they're driving a car, you're in the passenger seat. If you can reach into your back pocket, grab that Ildatore mask, put it on, and you can remember where your physicality should be.

Broad upper, narrow lower. I just actually sold a pilot called the emboldened servant. It's going to be on know we're thinking we're thinking spike for that it's gonna be on the keith johnstone channel wow we'll be back with more outrageously narrow audience in just a second on jordan jesse go as it goes. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Seth Morris. Oh, we encourage people to come up with a nickname. You should come up with your own nickname. Oh, man. Did you have one growing up?

I desperately wanted one, but I never had one. I have a lot of things. I've been called Sethmo, Zeb, Tall, Up, Up, Tall Glass of Faggot. I like Tall Glass of Faggot. Okay, we'll call that Tall Glass of Faggot. Dear Jordan and Jesse,

Jordan, you remember that we're in the middle of a holiday contest, right? I do, yes. There's $100 on the table here. Well, Jordan, there was $100 on the table. Wow. Now there's $85 on the table, because somebody just made the first $15. Let's hear about it.

Here's some homemade Apple butter Eat it on toast or with sausage Or mixed with cottage cheese You should feel honored This is the farthest a jar Of our apple butter has ever traveled Also Through 23 years we have had

No cases of botulism But I make no guarantees Enjoy Mike had no cases of botulism uh but i make no guarantees enjoy mike tree of mike on the maximum fun forum every year at holiday time and you can see pictures of all of this he posted pictures of all of this on the forum every year at holiday time him and his family get together to make apple butter when i say his family I'm talking about an extended family. His aunts and uncles and cousins and grandmas and grandpas all get together in the woods somewhere in Vermont or something like that. When somebody gets married, they're like, oh, you got to come make apple butter with the family.

Exactly. So they all get together in the woods. They build a bonfire. They chop wood. Is this real? Four o'clock. I've seen photographs of this, Seth. They get together at four o'clock in the morning.

They chop wood. You guys can see the pictures here. I'm showing you guys the pictures. Hard evidence. They put a cauldron there. They start the fire. Here's a picture we're looking at here of Mike on the forum. You guys can all look there.

They do a chant in Aramaic. They boil some cider down, and then they start adding bushels of apples, a total of two apple bushels. Okay, they stir it with a giant wooden paddle, which is pretty spectacular. This is a real cauldron too I want to make it clear Somebody has to keep this Somebody has to hang on to this

During the non-apple butter making portions It's not just like a tub That they got from the container store That they're saying Yeah, throw it in the cauldron No, this is a real cauldron If a witch came along She would recognize this is a great place to make potions um and possibly the best part of the whole thing is that mike's uncle uh made apple

butter themed t-shirts for everyone to wear on apple butter day that's awesome they say apple butter 2008 stir the pot exclamation mark i love, stir the pot! Exclamation mark. I love how stir the pot, it really is just a command for the thing that you're doing. It's not any kind of ironic take. No, it's not a twist on it at all. Like you're the apple of my eye or butter behave or anything. It's just something you do while you're making it. Make sure to pick the apples.

Okay. What I was kind of wondering about it is it has this picture of a cauldron on it and i wonder if he went to the t-shirt store at the mall and he's like okay uh let me take a look at your uh let me take a look at your clip art book and he's like not a star not a heart ah yes a cauldron. Usually it's for witch-themed t-shirts. Yeah, for Halloween. And also, the other important news is they eat all day long, and he included a picture of this giant spread of food. He says they eat continuously all day long,

and then they put it into jars, and then with what they can't get out of it, they all get rolls and scrape it out of the bottom of the cauldron with rolls and eat it at the end of the day, which was probably maybe the best part of the whole thing. Wow. Isn't that spectacular? This is awesome.

I'm jealous that they have such a wholesome family. It's super wholesome. We were looking, Seth. There's an orgy afterwards. There's got to be something. Yeah. We were looking, Seth. There's an orgy afterwards.

There's got to be something. Yeah. We were looking for things that, awesome projects in the holiday spirit, Seth. And I've got $100 on the table to offer to people who complete awesome projects over the course of the next six weeks or so of the holiday season. The first $15, and I'm going to uh issue this this money to people as i see fit sure um 15 is going to mike for this spectacular apple butter now it could be more because it is a pretty epic project right but because i don't believe that it was initiated specifically for jordan jesse go 15 is kind of my limit for that. You know what I mean?

Like a couple of people have told me, oh, every year I do this. No, we're really looking for you to do something. Go out of your way. Do something because we told you to. Like what would you suggest? What I would think would be cool is if they made like Jesse, Jordan, Snowmen.

Yes. That's great. Spectacular. That's great spectacular that's spectacular idea it's fun it strokes our egos yeah right if my snowman has a big dick all the better sure well most snowmen do have huge i want mine to be bigger than the other snowmen though oh well you're gonna have to find a pretty big stick you you know. No, I want it to be made of snow. Tightly packed snow. What about just an icicle?

Is it going to be an ice cock? An ice cock type situation? Yeah, I'll be ice cock. Okay, well, I mean, you know, whatever. You can be whatever you want, Jordan. You can have an ice cock if you want. I do. Thanks.

I will. Don't be such a dick about it. The point is that like an ice cock, it should capture the spirit of the holidays. Right. Exactly. Exactly. So if you have a project, I still have $85 to give away here. The thread is on the forum. It's right at the top. It's pinned at the top. It's called Holiday Projects. You post your holiday projects in there, and then I'll decide whether they're worth money and i'll announce it to everyone but you know what's the worst thing that can happen

seth the worst thing that can happen is you got into the holiday spirit you haven't you discovered a new craft absolutely think of the shit you could make out of macaroni yeah you know what i mean just just solely with the medium of macaroni. Think of the stuff you could make. The possibilities are limitless. Well, I mean, you're just talking about one noodle. If you wanted to... Yeah, I mean, what if you used more than one?

Bow tie pasta. Oh, man. Oh, my God. Farfalle. Fusilli. What about a radiatore? What if you made a real radiator out of radiatore? I don't know how that would work.

Because the water pumping through it would probably cook the pasta. I'd be worried about the carb emissions. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan J Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Seth is fucking sending a text message right now.

That's what he thinks about our... Well, can I take... My roommate let me know that the internet is out? And I don't want to get yelled at, so I'm trying to rectify that. You don't want to get yelled at for what? For not texting back fast enough during the program? I thought you were doing a commercial. I'm sorry. Well, we are going to do a commercial, if you don't mind. Sorry to interrupt your text message, Mr. Morris.

I wasn't text messaging. Nah, we shouldn't do that bit. No, we shouldn't do that bit. Sponsors this week on Jordan Jesse go, of course, slide2play.com. You're not texting on an Apple's iPhone.

Many of our listeners have Apple's iPhones, which, by the way, just recently added podcast support. So they work. You can actually download podcasts on the iPhone as of the brand-new firmware, which came out this week, and I encourage people to do that. But if they want to play a game on their Apple's iPhone, they type in Slide to Play.

SlideToPlay.com is a website that will tell them what game to buy. They spend their $3 in the Apple App Store. And then they got a sweet game on their Apple iPhone. They can listen to it, for example. I'm just going to give some examples. All right. Waiting in line at the bank. Sure.

It's a great place to play an iPhone game. Riding the subway. Oh, yeah. If you're going to pick someone up and you're early and you're embarrassed and you just want to sit in your car for a while. Yeah. How about this one? Going for a run, but you're remarkably coordinated. Sure.

Killing time before the results of an AIDS test. Absolutely. Absolutely Anytime when you want a fun, cool game To take your mind off the mistakes you've made Right SlideToPlay.com is the place to go SlideToPlay.com Yeah

And you get reviews You get the whole nine yards Everything you need Reviews, news, what's upcoming The whole situation The Schlemiel The forum The package

Got a forum on there What's the slide part referred to? SlideToPlay is on an Apple iPhone package Got a forum on there What's the slide part Referred to The slide to play Is on an Apple iPhone You do a slide On the screen Sort of like Pressing the start button

Gotcha It's the equivalent Of pressing the start You put your thumbs On the screen or something I don't have an Apple's iPhone I have a Moto Razr Okay

You know what I mean I don't got I don't got much of anything Jordan a couple weeks ago We offered A hundred The special hundred100 plan. You pay $100,

you get an announcement on Jordan, Jesse, go. We have our first. Wow. There's a couple in the pipeline. Okay. But we have our first, which is for Elizabeth Coffey. Now, Jordan,

Elizabeth Coffey is a longtime listener of Jordan, Jesse, go. You might know her on the forums as eBeth. When she's not posting on the forums or working in New York's troubled public school system, she is a wedding officiant. She's a professional wedding officiant. This is what she does. Are you married, Seth?

I'm not. Well, in case you ever decide to get married, or Jordan, in case you decide ever to get married, what Elizabeth does is she has a series of meetings with the bride and groom and she her specialty is basically putting together a ceremony that will satisfy what the bride and groom are looking for uh be it you know uh non-religious alternative religious uh whatever it is cling on essentially like i think a lot of times people maybe don't want to

don't have a pastor in mind that they'd like to conduct their wedding or don't have a religious person in mind who they'd like to conduct their wedding but they're having a real wedding and they think maybe I should just invite my buddy to do it but your buddy might kind of mess it up or be kind of lame and so that's where

she sort of steps in. She's the person who makes sure that it's a special thing for everybody. And she consults with everybody. We actually talked to her. She lives in New York, and Teresa's grandfather conducted our ceremony. But we talked to her before we did

and talked about sort of like the relative considerations, what we should think about including and what we wanted to write and what were the things that go into a ceremony so anyway it's a pretty neat she's kind of like a producer like a phil specter or rick rubin weddings like exactly this exactly she's sort of she's more like she's like a dick clark of weddings she puts the she puts the pieces together and then at the end of the day she she'll she'll uh she'll get the show on the road and make sure things are moving along smoothly. I bet she had a really bad stroke. Yeah, and she also had a really bad stroke.

And when you go over to her house, she'll drunkenly wave a gun at you. And also Ryan Seacrest keeps hoping that she'll die. Anyway, so she's on the internet. It's Elizabeth Coffee. Elizabeth is spelled with an S. E-L-I-S-A-B-E-T-H. Coffee is C-O-F-F-E-Y.com. Elizabeth Coffee.

And of course, we'll put a link up on the forum as well if you're interested in that. But if anybody's getting married and they either want someone to conduct the ceremony or even if they want something simpler like what she did with me and Teresa, which is just sort of consult with us and make sure we know what the deal is and help us put together a plan, then Elizabeth is the way to go. So ElizabethCoffee.com.

That's the $100 promise. You give us $100. Well spent. Money well spent. I think we did a great job with that. We did a fantastic job. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Seth Morris, tall glass of faggot. Hold on. Okay. Real quick. Time out. Before we get into the next topic. We had a next topic planned. I just want to finish some business.

Slow down. We got to wrap something up here. Just want to finish some business from a couple episodes ago. Okay. Mike Schmidt. Yes. Our guest on the podcast two episodes ago. Yes.

Brought up the forthcoming video game Mortal Kombat versus DC Universe. Right. I had not played it at that point. Okay. I have played it now and I just want to put some concerns to bed. Okay.

People are wondering why the characters from Mortal Kombat would fight the characters from the DC Universe. I just want to let you know definitively, it's a portal.

Oh. It was facilitated by a portal. I gotcha. Sorry. Is it a portal travel between the Mortal Kombat universe? Realm and the DC realm, yes.

They live in different, all sort of alternative universes? Is that what's going on? Yes. Why does one live in a universe and one lives in a realm? It's a metric system. Okay. Yeah. Quick question.

If you're Aquaman, can fish help you? Aquaman is not in this game. I thought you said it was the DC universe? Aquaman is not in this game. I thought you said it was the DC Universe. Aquaman is not a playable character. I'm sorry. No, I'm talking about Aquaman. He's the Lord of the Deep. He's the president of Atlantis.

The ocean realm, that's a different portal. Oh, that's a third portal? They were the victims of some gerrymandering that went on before this game was... A lot of independent voters in this scene. In the Neptune's kingdom. I've got to be honest with you, Jordan. I didn't want to make this a big deal. I just wanted to clear that up.

I didn't want to make this a big deal. I don't know why you wrote this video game that doesn't even have Aquaman in it. It seems stupid to me. It seems like a real swing and a miss that you created this game. I didn't create the game. Yeah, no, yeah, with the portals. I'm just, no, I'm describing the game.

I understand what's going on here, Jordan. What's going on here is... You clearly don't. You have no idea what's going on. Number one, you have some kind of problem with fish. And it's one thing to not want to eat fish. That's called being a humanitarian. It's a different thing if you're gonna fuck around and say fish can't be quote unquote direct quote seth can't be in video games oh oh i didn't hear that one yeah i said it under

my breath at a different frequency you were were probably texting. That humans can't hear. I probably was. This is the kind of, I don't know, racist, racy, race car bullshit. Wait a minute. So fish can't be in video games. That means we're never going to see a Little Mermaid video game. Not if Jordan has anything to say about it. We're never going to see a... We'll never see Echo the Dolphin. Yeah.

That's not going to be invented. Jabberwocky. What Jordan is doing... Jabberjaw. Jabberjaw. What Jordan is doing, essentially, is opening a portal. Right. So that he can alter the space-time fabric and create a world without Aquaman or fish and other denizens of the deep.

I just don't think they taste good. It's fine. It's whatever. And try assigning special moves to a fish. It's whatever. What are they going to do? Anyway. Flap.

Sorry. I don't know what we were going to talk about. Sorry. I don't know what we were going to talk about. Sorry. You know, Jordan, in important matters, non-bullshit matters, let me put it that way, non-fucked up bullshit matters. Wow. I went to Las Vegas this

week. Okay. Yeah. Jordan, I think it would be... Can you... Wait, I guess I don't even know why you went to Las Vegas. You don't seem like the kind of guy who would go to Las Vegas. I was going to say, I mean, I think that, Jordan, you've known me for quite some time. We've been friends for... Several years.

For a number of years. I think you've got a pretty good handle on what kind of guy I am. Sure. How would you imagine me operating in the Las Vegas milieu? Sleepily and angrily. Yeah, sort of sleepily and angrily. I went to Las Vegas for the comedy festival. It's called the Comedy Festival, as though there aren't others and uh it's this festival put on by uh originally put on by hbo now put on by tbs it's a very funny festival they remind you oh um it's basically the festival has a lot of like reruns yeah everybody they just they just get to people

get together at caesar's palace and watch an oldves Raymond. Also, you can see Kenny Rogers' six-pack. Right. There's also 5,000 episodes of The House of Pain. Yeah, and then a Braves game. Then you just watch a Braves game. Did you know they made, you know, in television, you need a certain number of episodes for syndication? Is that TNT that shows the Braves game? That might be.

I might be wrong about that. TBS used to show the Braves game? That might be. I might be wrong about that. TBS used to show the Braves game, I think. I don't know if they still do. TNT is also TNT. But I think it's TBS that used to show the Braves game, but I don't know if they still do. I think it's TNT. I think I got that wrong.

Sorry. So anyway, just a quick side note about Tyler Perry's House of Pain. I hope it's not too quick. You're an insider. Yeah. You're an insider. You know this kind of stuff.

In order to syndicate a television program, you have to have 100 episodes. That's the sort of general. Now, that's changed a little bit because a cable channel will show a relatively short-lived show in reruns. short-lived show in reruns. But generally speaking, if you want to run your show at 6 o'clock on the UPN station, then you need to make 100 episodes of it to sell it into syndication. So Tyler Perry looked at this situation.

He thought about how he could... Now, that's what? That's a solid five years or so of network sitcom production, typically, because you're making about 20 episodes a year, 22 usually. So Tyler Perry looked at the situation. He thought about, what can I do to... And the big payoff comes from the syndication also.

It's not from producing it for the network. The big payoff comes when you're showing to syndication. That's when you're making Malcolm in the Middle money. Exactly. And Tyler is a smart man. He's a smart businessman, as he's proved to all of us. He's had hit theater productions across the country. He knows how to make a dollar.

He sees where the pot of money is. He made a hundred episodes of that show in a year. One year. He made two half-hour sitcoms a week you would think that the quality would dip but let me tell you it does not spectacular no no first is as good as the last episode one is as good as episode 78 a nice a nice solid stream of uh of consistent quality coming from Tyler Perry's That's amazing.

I actually took a look at that show in a hotel room the other day. I paid it to come up to my hotel room and dress. I can safely say that I have never seen actors on television who look more uncomfortable. Here's the thing.

They look like they're in a high school play. I read a big article about this show because his writers were protesting because he's also a union buster, apparently. And they tried to unionize and he fired a bunch of people or something. And also, it's absurd to expect them to write two scripts a week for an entire year

when normally they would produce 20 in a year um and uh so there was this big article about it apparently frequently the actors have not yet the first time they see their lines is when they go on stage in the on the sitcom set to record them the that is the first time they see their lines man they just put them up on cue cards they put them write them in different places they look at them real quick before they go on stage can you imagine so did you and theresa go to the sex club in vegas no we didn't go to the sex club that one sex club i did yeah i gambled in Las Vegas. I don't know the rules of gambling. That was an impediment that I didn't expect to be a problem.

I understood gambling to be that you put a quarter in the thing and then pull the thing. Right. And then you're gambling. Now, it turns out that you get credits and points and there's lines. Even in the simplest form of gambling, which is the slot machine. I dismissed. I'm not going to learn how to play craps. Right.

I mean, I know the rules of playing blackjack, but I'm not going to learn how to be even competent in blackjack in the time of one trip to Las Vegas. So I thought, I'll focus on slot machines. Right? So I looked at- Kind of busting that system. Busting that wide open. I checked out the different slot machines.

There's a lot of choices there. Star Trek slot machine. A lot of TV show themed ones. Yeah, I Dream of Jeannie. Wheel of Fortune. Shake That Booty was one of the choices. Shake That Booty, the slot machine. Anyway.

Aliens vs. Predator. Ultimately, you're looking for a slot machine that sort of fits. It's like picking a T-shirt. You want something that expresses your identity. So you picked Alien vs. Predator. Well, I picked Antique Appraisal. Antique Appraisal, the slot machine. What does it say when you win?

I say. That's what's remarkable about it. That's what's remarkable. I took five American dollars and i put them into the slot machine into the place where the quarters should go um i put in five dollars and uh i chose different there's different lines you choose one line six lines nine lines oh i see yeah and then you and then a number of credits you want to bet on each one yeah five minutes i didn't win i didn't win any i didn't even win once i didn't even get one like two matching somethings well they they don't even

you don't even if you win you don't even get actual quarters no it doesn't even come out you get like a ticket yeah and theresa uh theresa played enchantedicorn. And she did match two... Because she's gay. She matched... Well, why do you think I was playing Antique Appraisal? Because you guys are a couple of beards for each other. A couple of gay men. So she played the... At one point, she matched two

handsome young men. I believe they were princes. And when she matched the princes, she won some quarters. Only it showed up in the little number in the screen not in a quarters in the thing which is the i thought that's the whole point of a slot machine i thought that's what's fun about a slot machine is when the quarters pour into the thing i'm like you i don't i don't gamble and i'll go uh if i'm ever at a place like that i'll go okay i'll play the slots and it's simple. It's not three lemons in a row. No. Right.

It's way more complicated than it should be. It's obscenely complicated. Another thing I learned about Las Vegas, we stayed at the Golden Nugget in downtown Las Vegas. The Golden Nugget is, of course, famous. It is named after a gold nugget. Sure. That's in the lobby of the hotel. It's the largest gold nugget on public

display in the world it's like uh it's like the size of nutsy the squirrel this is a big notably large uh gold nugget so theresa and i first of all it was really hard to find this nugget it's it's sort of tucked away given that it's an you know it's the name of the hotel you'd think that it would be more prominently displayed you wanted the nugget to check you into your room. Exactly. Bring up your bags. I expected animatronic nuggets to greet me around every corner. But the nugget was not even a real nugget.

Apparently, the real nugget is on tour. So what's on display is a replica of the nugget. Oh. I felt like I really got ripped off with that bullshit. Yeah, sure. It's on tour to other sad gambling places around the world. Exactly. It just goes from sad gambling place to sad gambling place.

Dirty Monte Carlo. You know, making its money one casino at a time. Sort of like a Norm MacDonald type figure. John Lovitz, maybe. Seth, I remember you and I were both in Vegas at the same time, kind of semi-recently. We were both there on the company dime. Yes. A funnier guy took a trip to Vegas and fuel sent us.

And I remember that the fuel trip to Vegasgas was fairly lean we were uh we were downtown at a place called the four queens which was oh a real you know uh lovely uh so i got a lovely ten dollar steak sent to the room that's a that's a that's a 25 night type spot yeah yeah um and it was you know infinitely farther away than it needed to be from everywhere we were shooting and i i remember kind of seeing the funny or die group and it seemed like maybe a little bit more of a decadent trip to vegas than i was getting is that we were there for the porn convention yes let's let's put that out there first sure um yeah they they put us up in at caesar's i think yeah and it's amazing the difference between the hotels in in

vegas i stayed one time i've taken my mom to vegas twice the first time we went to uh i don't know let's say it's caesars it was nice second time we went to the excalibur oh that place is like a giant koA campground. It's disgusting. There's like slurpy cups on the ground, like garbage everywhere. What's the deal with this? It's a castle on the outside. What is this story with people walking in the hallways in Las Vegas, the hallways between gambling areas, smoking cigarettes, and just flicking their cigarette ash just on the carpet

yeah just right there on the car they don't give a fuck they do not give a fuck they don't give a fuck about anything downtown las vegas is literally like i used you stay there jordan do they have fremont street experience when you were there uh that doesn't ring a bell okay so it sounds like something that was fremont street is sort of the main drag in downtown Las Vegas. It's the street that you see a lot of times in like an old Vegas movie where there's that like entering Las Vegas scene with like the neon cowboy tipping his hat and all that kind of stuff, right? There's the famous Las Vegas, you know, Binion's big neon is there. It's kind of cool. It's really neat.

big uh neon is there it's kind of cool it's really neat except for the fact that they've taken this street that's walled in neon with these amazing like uh you know 50s and 60s neon signs and they've put a roof on it it has a roof on it and the roof is a video screen a kind of a shitty video screen that plays well i saw it play two things i number one it plays a talk show hosted by a man standing on the ground in the thing interviewing passers-by great which is as fantastic as you imagine it would be right uh one person said he was from hell's kitchen in new y York City and he said, why do they call it Hell's Kitchen? The kitchen is where you cook food.

That's a good place. Wow. That makes my balls hurt. And then he suggested something else that they should call it, like Hell's Bathroom or something like that. Okay, so that's the first thing they show on this on the ceiling

on this i'm in the sky and are there cars that drive down the no they've sealed it off so it's a pedestrian walkway so you can walk you can feel comfortable walking up and down the street uh buying a skincare system from someone in a kiosk right um and the other thing they show is a musical commercial for the cell phone company LG. And what's amazing about this musical commercial for the cell phone company LG is it comes on. This is the big show. It comes on and people stop and videotape it. I swear to God, people, the street is choked with tourists

standing in the middle of this pedestrian, you know, shopping area, videotaping the ceiling, which has video screens on it, playing, basically, it's sort of like, it's an animated, have you seen those animated television commercials for car insurance?

They look sort of like a shitty anime. They come on late night. It's like insurance.com or something like that. Yeah, I don't know. I'm on Comedy Central a lot. That is the quality of the animation in this piece. It is basically just a flash animation like an internet video site in 1999 like it is just well maybe maybe people don't know that it's a video maybe you think that's the sky and they're like this it truly is remarkable i've never seen the sky be different and what's

amazing about it is not only is it super shitty but it totally ruins the effect of having the whole time shoot of vegas because you can't see the sky so there's like nothing that it's contrasting against it's not like a remarkable it's not like a a boulevard of dreams sort of situation it's basically just uh like a like a hallway in a mall oh god it's just so so you had a great time in vegas is what you're saying vegas is such a nightmare but what's amazing what's truly amazing to me about las vegas and um i should say that you know i did i taped an interview with the kids in the hall at uh knpr in las vegas and the people at knpr couldn't have been nicer or more welcoming to me and um is that for the sound of young america or is that just for them that was for the Sound of Young America or is that just for them?

That was for the Sound of Young America. So it'll be on in a couple of weeks. But what's truly amazing about Las Vegas to me is that you think, like, this is what I was thinking. I was like, well, we'll stay downtown. We have to go to Caesars for the shows and the comedy festival. It's not that far of a drive. We'll stay downtown because it's cheaper to get a decent room downtown.

And then we'll figure out some Vegas stuff to do in between. We don't have to just walk up and down the strip or whatever. You can go to that gun range where you get to fire an Uzi at the picture of Osama Bin Laden. Sometimes I like to use the Ask Metafilter.

It's a website where you ask a question people answer it um they uh full disclosure a sponsor of the sound of young america but i like to use it before that and um uh so i look on i like to look on ask meta filter like what's the neat thing to do in a place like anytime i'm wondering about something there's usually somebody who's asked that question on ask metaafilter the people are sharp so i i searched for las vegas i found this question came up in the search results are there any like cool neighborhoods in las vegas where you can hang out and like at a coffee shop or go to a bookstore blah blah blah blah blah and the answer was no that was the answer like lit from Vegas residents, not from people visiting Las Vegas,

from people who live in Las Vegas. One of the answers was, there was this area kind of like that, but it's sort of shut down now. And then the other, these were the two most helpful answers. There were a lot of stabbings. There were a lot of stabbings. The other answer was, I think there's a used bookstore at blah, blah, blah. This is a city of a million people.

I think there's a used bookstore at... It's probably just used porno magazines. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was really like Las Vegas somehow topped my expectations for outrageous awfulness. And I've never been to Atlantic City. That's supposed to be 100 times worse. It's supposed to be like a super sadder version of Las Vegas, right? I mean, some of the, even the ridiculous Las Vegas stuff, I was like, it wasn't that neat.

I thought it could have been a lot neater. Yeah. Like, I thought it would be kind of neat to see a fake Eiffel Tower. They're not going to pay $20 to go up in the fake Eiffel Tower, you know what I mean? Like, you're supposed to be tricking me into gambling.

Right. I'm supposed to win because I don't like gambling. Right. Jesse, I think really what you're leaving out of the equation is that all this stuff is better when you're drunk.

Yeah. They're just assuming you're drunk all the time in Las Vegas, so... I know, that's the thing about it. Yeah, you kind of got to get into it, I've noticed. You just got to go for it. You know what was really amazing, though, that was going on at my hotel?

You know, when you're in Las Vegas, you meet the real America, and the real America is corpulently obese, just grotesquely fat. And especially if you're downtown where there's an older crowd than on the Strip. I mean, it's old people everywhere, but, you know, downtown more for for an old person and uh so it's full of fat

people at my hotel but then it was also full of muscle men because there was a muscle competition going on muscle man so it was muscle it was the craziest thing because the only two kinds of people at this hotel were very fat people and women with shoulders broader than mine wow that was the two like that was the two categories that the people you could do you could have just sorted people you could have had two sets of bathrooms and just directed people like in uh wario where smooth Moves. Now, Seth, I think something important to know about Jesse is that... Absurdly square. Yeah, I was going to say that it seems like, you know, Fell is kind of in our situation.

We're college educated. We're reasonably intelligent. It's something that something that, uh, a skill you have to have, and especially living in LA, but also as a important skill for trips to Vegas and things like that is maybe kind of learning to, learning to put your kind of principles on the back burner for a few minutes

and just have fun with something with how ridiculous something is, uh, not a skill that Jesse has. Doesn't know. Definitely something that booze helps. That's an advantage. You do not drink? No, I don't drink.

I'm married, you know, and I was there with my wife, so I wasn't going to the strip clubs or anything. It was really like, but I'll tell you, one really silver lining to this whole thing, Jordan. And also, professionally, the trip was a complete failure. That interview with the kids in the hall got unexpectedly cut short by their publicist. So if anybody listens to it and is a Jordan and Jesse Go fan, they notice like, gosh, it seems like they talked a lot about the beginning of their career, but then one question about everything since their TV show went on the air, then that's because it got unexpectedly cut short. But the silver lining to it is I have never appreciated Los Angeles so much as I did when I was in Las Vegas.

Because Las Vegas is all of the horrible things about Los Angeles times 10 with none of the horrible things about los angeles times 10 with none of the good things right i mean you could say i mean if you're interested in gambling then that might be a good thing uh it did it does have an outlet mall right in the heart of town so i appreciated that the only thing that i wish los angeles had that las vegas had that i really loved was the liberace Museum. Have either of you guys been? I have been, yeah. Isn't it fantastic?

It's pretty great, yeah. We went through the Liberace Museum. And Liberace, of course, the outrageously gay but closeted Las Vegas pianist who played piano standards with absurd orchestral accompaniments. Piano standards with absurd orchestral accompaniments, but was primarily known for wearing absolutely ridiculous outfits with matching Rolls Royces, which he would drive onto the stage. And they have them at the museum. They're spectacular. They're amazing.

Yeah. So it's a really amazing thing. I highly recommend going if you go to Las Vegas. It's totally worth it. It kind of costs an annoyingly large amount of money to get in uh like i think we paid the student rate uh because i'm a student in los angeles city college sure and it costs ten dollars uh for students but i think maybe it's fifteen dollars for normal people but it's totally worth it it's the greatest thing ever and i i'm kind of a similar i paid a little too much money to go into Madame Tussauds Wax Museum last time I was there.

I'm like, nah, this is okay. But at the end, they have a wax life-size George W. Bush, and people take pictures with it. And I looked over, and there was a kid in a Slipknot t-shirt, and his friend was taking a picture of him punching George Bush in the cock. I'm like, nah, that was just totally worth my 25 bucks when we finished our tour when we finished going through the uh liberace museum we're in the uh we're in the gift shop at the end of the at the end of the road there um we're buying a cardboard stand-up of uh liberace wearing red white and blue sequined hot pants with a red, white, and blue cape in honor of the

bicentennial. Did you actually buy that? Yeah, well, we bought it for Lonely Sandwich. Adam from You Look Nice Today, because he took care of Coco. So he thought he deserved a nice gift. Now, he's going to feel like a dick if you come over and that Liberace stand-up isn't fucking smack dab in the middle of his

living room. You can put it on top of his television or put it on his coffee table, somewhere really crumbly. I thought this was life-size. No, it's not life-size. We're looking at, you're looking at about 18 to 24 inches. I was going to say,

that's one of those dick gifts, like a goldfish, where it's like, oh, fuck, now I've got to display this. A terrible goldfish. So we're in the gift shop purchasing this upright of Liberace. And this very kind, very gay man comes up to us.

He's maybe, I'd say he's maybe 40 years old, comes up to us and says hello. And he says he's so happy to see us there because they don't get much of the younger crowd. And he's so, everyone at the Liberace Museum is so sincere about Liberace they love liberace they love him so much and they're so nice yeah and so this kind kind gay man and he just radiated kindness from every poor he said you know we don't we don't get a lot of the the uh we don't

get a lot of the young crowd like how did you guys hear about the place? And we told him, we don't really gamble, so we were trying to figure out what's the thing to do in Las Vegas if you're not gambling. And it seemed like fun. And he says, well, be sure to post it on your MySpace

or on your Facebook and tell your friends about it because we really have a few too many of the oldsters. And he was so nice. So that is why i'm taking this opportunity to our our key demo uh our our 18 to 34 key demo uh if you go to las vegas for god's sake go to the liberace museum and say hello to the the kind asian woman and the friendly gay man who love liberace so much do you think they love him just because he was the like the gay guy maybe loved him because he was the first gay that he

knew about no because you know when i was there there's a lot of old ladies yeah didn't seem because my mom and i went we were giggling the whole time yeah look how gay like yeah everything is so so gay i think they just like i don't know that as a san francisco native i can safely say that that was the gayest thing i've ever seen in my entire life like it's not just absurd it is absurd but it is absurd in a specifically gay way but but clearly liberace because you they have quotes from him about all of this stuff yeah not intended as camp no no no no not not in the slightest he did not see any of this stuff and he was this is the other thing he was kind of a heartthrob to a lot of those who are now old ladies yeah this just wild playboy yeah like a

bulgarian he's from like bulgaria or something originally a truly a truly an amazing scene there, if only to see a Rolls Royce covered entirely in rhinestones. He also was the owner of the World's... My favorite part overall of the Liberace Museum was when I was reading Liberace's life timeline. And I learned that the Liberace Museum was founded in 1973 and Liberace died in the late 80s. Oh, yeah. So the Liberace Museum was founded in 1973, and Liberace died in the late 80s. Oh, yeah. So the Liberace Museum was founded by Liberace. You know what? One of my favorite parts is just a fact, but the museum is separated into two buildings.

You have to walk across a big parking lot. You have to walk across a strip mall. A big, hot parking lot in a strip mall. It's like a pond shop in a liquor store. Yeah. And the docent will be in the – yeah, we got to the second building. The second building is costumes. And we're looking at a costume.

The docent engages us in conversation about the costume. And she'll say, oh, you may remember the car in the previous building that matched this costume. And so you really have to refer back and forth to get the full liberace museum experience you have to be able to store the first building in your mind right while you're in the second building to really get because there's no jordan it's not just the red white and blue hot pants suit no it also has a it also had a matching rolls royce right sure it's a complete set so that's the best part of it is but generally speaking it's the place where souls go to die. I also like the outlet mall. I love outlet

malls. I'll go to any fucking outlet mall. Cheap shrimps. Yeah, they did have some cheap shrimps. We ate at a breakfast buffet. We had a lunch buffet, too. I figured you're going to go to Las Vegas. You want to hit the buffets. Hello. Hello. I don't know what that is. Oh, some friends.

Okay. Oh, right right that was her last name yeah there you go we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Seth Morris, Tall Glass of Faggot.

You guys, we're having a lot of fun. I want to let the listeners in on this. Do you mind? Letting them in on our fun? Do you mind if I let them participate in this fun? In our private fun party? By sharing a little fun of their own. Okay. We have an

action item on the program. It's a continuing action item right now, which is to ask someone of interest if you can go through their pockets, if you can see what's in their pockets. Originally, it was exclusively old people's pockets, but now we've opened it up to anyone that might be of interest. For example, a train conductor. You might want to know what's inside their pockets. want to know what's inside their pockets. Luckily, at the MaxFun meetup in Washington,

D.C. this past week, a few MaxFunsters went through some very interesting pockets. Hey, this is Evan in Silver Spring. I just got back from seeing Paul F. Tompkins with Carol, E. Beth, and Craxworth from the forums, and I wanted to let you know what was in Paul F. Tompkins' pockets. Before I start, just want to let you know he was wearing a three-piece suit, including a pocket square. So if it sounds like he had a lot of stuff, it's because he had a lot of pockets. Okay, so to begin with, he had multiple handfuls of cellophane,

which is to say that it took multiple trips to retrieve it all. He also had a pair of glasses with very dark, very thick frames. He had a very nice monogrammed pen. And he had his cell phone. So that is the contents of Paul F. Tompkins' pockets. Excellent.

Now we know exactly what are in the pockets of one of the funniest men in the world. Did he say cellophane? Cellophane cellophane i believe he uh he was he he looked through paul f tompkins pockets in uh 1938 um now i uh i i'm loyal listeners to the show know that uh i'm a fidgeter yeah absolutely i like to fidget uh it's always nice to have something to fidget with there's certainly no doubt about that. Cellophane, just a little sheet of cellophane, real fun to ball up, real fun to kind of roll around on your fingers.

Maybe Paul F. Tompkins is a fidgeter. Oh, I see. People talk about gaydar, right? Gay men can spot other gay men, et cetera, et cetera. There's a similar thing amongst the fidgeting community you see little telltale fidgeting signs and uh this this to me would seem that uh that paul f tompkins host of vh1s talk about stuff show is uh maybe maybe a closet fidgeter did you know that uh paul f topkins and I have a very particular sartorial disagreement? People email me a lot about Paul F. Tompkins

because they know that I'm known to wear an outfit. Paul F. Tompkins is also known to wear an outfit. A key difference between our personal dressing philosophies, Paul F. Tompkins likes to have a matching tie and square. He will often have a tie and square that literally are the same pattern, which I believe is gauche. I think they should complement each other, not match. And you guys are still able to get along? Are you polite when you see each other?

they're still able to get along? Are you polite when you see each other? Well, as I mentioned, he is maybe the funniest person in the world. So I'm willing to overlook that kind of thing. A little bit of gauche-ness. From my perspective only. Certainly he feels perfectly justified in wearing masks.

But he would. If he's gauche, he would feel okay with it. I don't have anything further to say on the subject. I just want to make it clear that he and I do have some disagreements. Just because we both like to wear suits, especially on stage, doesn't mean we agree about everything. Right, right. I agree that he's a great man. Fantastic. Fantastic.

Handsome, hilarious, delightful, brilliant. I agree that he's a great man. Fantastic. Fantastic. Handsome, hilarious, delightful, brilliant. Yes. Very glad he has his own new TV show. But I disagree about his list. Right. You know? I disagree. I disagree.

You're being a dick about it. Hey, JJ Goh. This is Yuton from Ohio, and I just drove past the corporate headquarters of a company that makes back makes baskets and that headquarters was shaped like a giant basket and i feel like somehow this encapsulates all that is wrong with america how wrong can one man be he encapsulates everything that's wrong about America because a basket shaped headquarters for a basket company encapsulates everything that's right

about America. Ingenuity. Creativity. Accuracy. Also democracy. Literalism. Look, if our nation's leaders had not had metaphorical flights of fancy when they were leading our nation in the revolutionary war we would have lost they knew that if you want to

stab somebody in the gut you got to use a musket and if you want to build a headquarters for a basket company it's got to look like a basket yeah it's just simple it's a one-to-one relationship yeah it's like making bisquick you know you just follow the directions it says right there what to do guys i think i can cut this discussion short the bill of rights very good need i say more let's move on to momentous occasions now just so you know seth, every week on the show we ask people when something momentous happens to them to call in and tell us about it, hopefully as it's happening or in the immediate aftermath. Momentous occasions might range from someone being locked on the porch by some people they're babysitting, some children they're babysitting to – what's another good one, Jordan? You know, we get a lot of lost my virginities. Yeah, a lost my virginity.

And we're looking for things that we haven't heard before also. That's the other thing, because it's not momentous anymore if someone else in our audience has already done it. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Goh. This is Joe from Madison, Wisconsin. This is more for Jesse, because I just saw former Cincinnati Reds star Chris Sabo. Talk to him.

Real nice guy. Hopefully I'll get to meet Goose Gossage soon. All right. Thanks, guys. 1988 National League Rookie of the Year, Chris Sabo, the Cincinnati Reds third baseman, best known as the man more than any other who has epitomized the ultimate Can we do the next one?

The ultimate athletic aesthetic choice. Can we do the next one? The sport goggle. No one knows who that is. You and that one guy. Well, I think with a name like Sabo, he had to be a professional athlete. He's the king of sport goggle wearers. James Worthy

comes over to Chris Sabo's house to ask for sports goggle advice. You know who I think? I think the king of sports goggle has to be like Mark Spitz. Right? I mean, the original. Absolutely not. I'm talking about Chris Sabo here. Oh, okay.

Sorry. Let me ask you a quick question about Mark Spitz. Ever won the National League Rookie of the Year? No, he didn't. Did he help lead the Cincinnati Reds to the 1989 World Series against the Oakland Athletics? No. How graceful is Sabo in the water, though?

That's the question. 1990 World Series against the Oakland Athletics, not the 1989. That one? 1989 was against the Giants. That one? question. 1990 World Series against the Oakland Athletics. Not the 1989. That one? 1989 was against the Giants. That one? No, he didn't. Okay.

So, who's bullshit and who's the king of sports goggles? Answer. Mark Smith is bullshit. Chris Sabo is the king Oh, okay.

I thought, as long as I don't have to be bullshit. I would have liked to have heard from our caller about what kind of sports goggles

Chris Sabo was wearing when he saw him. That's how you can recognize him on the street. He's just always, yeah. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. Hey, Coco. It's Mike from New York. I just slipped on a banana peel. Genuinely slipped on a banana peel, for real.

It's never happened to me before. It's a momentous occasion. That truly is magical. That is pretty magicalous occasion that truly is magical that is pretty magical that's classic is what that is that's the kind of thing that goes straight into the scrapbook like some things only go into the scrapbook in retrospect but if that happened to me

I'd grab a photograph from a passerby and I'd have my you know my pinking shears cutting special edging onto that photograph so it could go into the scrapbook right away i wonder if his next momentous occasion is going to be like i'm being chased by a bunch of clumsy cops or i looked i looked left when my partner looked right and we didn't know each other were there or how about maybe i uh about maybe I'm in a complicated series of

pratfalls that illustrates man's struggles in the industrial age. I'm trapped in the gears of an enormous mechanical... I jumped into a movie screen. I bet I'll get kicked in the nuts. Well, here's hoping, huh?

Boing, boing, boing. Well, here's hoping, huh? Momentous occasion. Hi, this is Margaret from Melbourne, Florida, formerly Margaret from Manhattan. I haven't called in for a while because I've been busy incubating a baby. I totally am in the hospital, still slightly woozy from the epidural, holding a really adorable baby girl. Uh, now I'm probably calling her Dinah, but if you guys come up with a name that I like better, it's not too late. So, you know, Donk, uh, Donk Lee, that could be something. Um, I'm not in my right mind right now.

Anyway, just had a baby, pretty momentous. Uh, I think I need a sandwich or something. Wow. That's great. In the hospital on drugs, too. That's great. That's why people have called in about their baby. The big momentous occasion that people want to call in about is, I just had a baby or I just bought a house.

Those are the classics. They've happened before. We're pretty much done with them. But Margaret wins, A, because she's a committed longtime listener, member on the forums, has come to the meetups, and et cetera. But B, because she called in while she was still woozy from the – her priorities went birth child, call Jordan Jesse, go, have a sandwich to regain my strength yes and that is the correct

priority order for the bringing a new life into the world these are the people we want raising the next generation exactly poop out the baby call jordan and jesse have something to eat right in that order. Absolutely. It's done. Great work, Margaret. Way to have a baby. And you know what? Dinah sounds fine.

Dinah sounds great. Dinah sounds amazing. Dinah sounds really good. Now, I've met Margaret from Manhattan a few times, and if I'm not mistaken, I think, and please correct me if I'm wrong, Margaret, or somebody else on this, I think she's naming the child Dinah in reference to Wonder Woman's real name. Wow. If my... I just assumed Dinah Shore or something like that.

I would guess. If I was to wager a guess. And that's fine with me. I thought she was really into uh what's that guy called the archery guy green arrow you can't name a girl baby green arrow i if i had a girl baby i would name it you know what i would name it aquaman okay we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Seth Morris, tall glass of faggot. I feel like having that as a nickname is good, but it leads to us having a lot of the word faggot in our show. We've used it from time to time. Sure. I think our positions on the gay community are clear. Mm-hmm.

Our bona fides... We're suspicious of them. Our bona fides have hopefully been established. Mm-hmm. But it is a concern. Right. Tall glass of homo? Well, or we could say, because part of the reason I got it is that I'm really into grooming, which you might not be able to tell from looking at me.

I think I can see the remnants of a rub-on tattoo on your arm. Yeah. I took my goddaughter out the other day, and she gave me that. Oh, nice. Yeah, I took my goddaughter out the other day, and she gave me that. Oh, nice. No, but I'm a fan of the mud mask and the face scrubs and stuff. Yeah, I mean, while you might not be... So we could say a tall glass of Kiehl's or something like that.

Yeah, that's better. I like a tall glass of Kiehl's. A tall glass of hot stone massage, maybe? Let's go with a tall glass of Kiehl's. Action items for this week. Of course, we still got this holiday project going on. I'm sending out real checks. I got a check-sending service at my bank.

I'll send you cash money in the mail in the form of a check, not cash. All you have to do is have an awesome project that I select as a winner. Apple Butter Mike, can you email me your address, by the way? You can put those up on the forum, or you can email or call us about them. We've also got this continuing looking through people's pockets thing going on. And you know what I want to bring back? Worst holiday. Okay.

Worst holiday ever. We did this two years ago, the very beginning of Jordan, Jesse, Go. We had people call in with their worst holiday experience of their lives. I'm bringing it back. So 206-984-4FUN with your worst holiday experience. It has to be one that seems funny now. That's a distinction that we failed to make the first time we did it. Oh, no. And we got some that were like, oh, I had a miscarriage or something like that.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Had a miscarriage on Christmas morning. Talk about slipping on a banana peel. Yeah. Talk about comedy classics. Right. It's an old Abbott and Costello routine, isn't it? That's existential slapstick right there.

Mm-hmm. So it has to be something that's- That's God's pratfall. It seems funny. Your baby dies. You may remember the story whose mother and grandmother had an enormous, painfully emotional falling out in which I believe the grandmother came over to his mother's house for Christmas and was turned away. But it ended with his mother and grandmother having a pie fight wow that's pretty awesome so uh that's about what we're looking for 206-984-4FUN with your worst holiday moment ever remember to keep

it pithy um if you if you want we've still got this offer open if you want a sponsorship slot on jordan jesse go for 100 bucks one week 100 bucks we've already got this offer open if you want a sponsorship slot on jordan jesse go for 100 bucks one week 100 bucks we've already got a couple in the pipeline coming up but uh uh just email me jesse at maximumfund.org or email us at jordan jesse go uh jj go at maximumfund.org um anything else jordan am i forgetting anything our theme music love you by the free design another person posted on the forum today about how they actually listened to the CD and how fucking amazing and great it was. I agree completely. And yes, it is old. They were surprised that it was old. They thought it was new. It's from the early 70s, late 60s, early 70s is when they were active. Anything else, Jordan? Nope. Got all the bases covered. Yeah, that was

good. We'll see you next week on Jordan, Jesse, go. Hey, we've got a special segment website only this week. So visit the forum at maximum fun.org and you can download 15 minutes or 20 minutes or so of us talking with seth about writing and creating the smallest cock in porn the mini movie on funny or die.com as well as which athletes are and are not actually funny