Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 82: Waldorf Schools

Episode Date: December 1, 2008

Jesse and Jordan discuss billionaire Ted Turner, Waldorf schools, ghosts/aliens and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, friendly, maggoty, maddy, twiddle, Jesse, go.

We'll tell you exactly what we think is wrong with Waldorf schools, plus ghosts slash aliens and much more. Let's go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm sitting Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm sitting here. I feel comfortable. Yeah.

You know why? I got some hot cider. My wife made me some hot cider. Sure, very folksy. Do you like how I'm wearing a sweater? It's like a sort of a warm fall-colored sweater. I do like that. I like that a lot. It's a crew neck, and it's got some elbow patches, and what's nice about it is that with the cider, it gives me a good warm fall feeling.

Yeah, you're like a real New Englander. That is good. Let's put on a Burl Ives record and sing along. You know what I mean, Jordan? I'm wearing my festive fall white t-shirt. Yeah, absolutely. No, it looks very nice. It's got the fall color. The classic fall color is plain white, all white. You got your, of course, you got your seasonal haircut, which is sort of just kind of going different directions, and you haven't shaved in maybe, I'm going to say two days? Yeah, three days. Three days. Sure. That's, again, a fall thing. That's what I call my fall scruff.

Yeah, you want to keep it warm, but you don't want it too close. You don't want it to get too beardy, because then you're going to get, you know, it gets stuffy. Wearing autumn pants. Absolutely. It's a blue jean, which is perfect for autumn. Perfect for autumn. I usually don't, yeah, I usually don't like to take the blued jeans out of the closet until fall.

After Thanksgiving, that's when I do. Absolutely. Well, it's a seasonal item. Up until then, it's culottes. Yeah. Only culottes. Jordan. Yes.

You already know that the domain name we host, Jordan and Jesse, go on, is MaximumFun.org. Yeah. This is a slogan, Maximum Fun, that we've been using in relationship to our ethos, The New Sincerity, for many years. Sure. I would say. I made it up. It's a little bit silly, but it is fun. Right.

You know what I mean? And it makes for a nice, punchy domain name. Absolutely. Easy to remember. Easy to type. Now, I reached into the mailbag today. Just getting ready for the show, Jordan. I do some prep work for the show.

Yeah. Reached into the mailbag. I got something from Mike S. Yes, the Mike S. Wow. Hi, Jesse, he says. It's me. He wrote it to me because he knows that I'm the one who does the prep work on the show. Yeah. You just show up. I make no illusions about... Yeah, you're not trying to bullshit anybody by telling them that you've prepared for this program. No. I don't even show up on time. Hi, Jesse. Just a heads up.

Ted Turner's new book, he's got it in quotes. Now, I'm pretty sure Ted Turner has written a book. Yeah. So I'm not sure if he's alleging that it's a, that it's, I think what he's trying to imply is that this book is bullshit. Sure. That's what the quotation marks ted turner's new book mentions the turner unofficial family motto on page 77 guess what it is maximum fun you got it wow he says prior art infringement is ted turner trying to suck up to the powerful new sincerity demographic? I leave these questions to you and your legal team.

Though, if you get some settlement, it would be great. Take care, Mike S. Wow. Well, I mean, if you look at what's on the Turner Broadcasting Network, I mean, really, it could be coincidence, because I mean, definitely, like I watched a little of the Turner Broadcasting Network this weekend while I was at my mom's

for Thanksgiving. Now, let me ask you a question. Are you talking about the Turner Broadcasting System or Turner Network Television? I'm talking about both. Okay. I partook in some of Mr. Turner's wares this weekend. I usually don't have cable in my house, but my mom does when I visit her for Thanksgiving. It's nice to take in everything that the media landscape has to offer.

It's horrible, isn't it? Yeah, it's really well. Not when you're in Mr. Turner's house. You're getting Jurassic Park 3 rerun. You're getting Lord Park 3 rerun. Okay. You're getting Lord of the Rings 2. Sure. There's probably a Back to the Future movie in there somewhere.

Absolutely. And. Classic family favorites. Yeah. So I can kind of see where maybe you guys each. Oh, and a Braves game. You'll see a Braves game. I'll tell you this, Jordan.

Yeah. About four months ago, a friend of the program, John Hodgman, was in town. Yeah. He's appearing at the book conference. It's called Book Expo. Okay. He invited me and Teresa to come down to the Book Expo America at the Los Angeles Convention Center because he was speaking at an event. Yeah.

Here's the event. It's a book breakfast. Okay. It's hosted by our friend... Does anyone say book fist? Unfortunately... Did you say book fist? Well, I can pretty much be relied upon to shorten something.

Yeah, sure. Sure. We went down. It's a book breakfast. It's hosted by our friend John Hodgman. The speakers are Dennis Lehane, novelist Dennis Lehane,

another lady, a Persian lady who wrote a book that I can't remember the name of, Reading Lolita in Tehran. And Mr. Ted Turner is the headliner. Of course, John Hodgman is the host. He comes out and just dazzles the crowd. Sure. He tells a delightful story that he actually, he told on his recent tour, at least in the

Los Angeles stop, about sitting next to a guy who's trying to... The guy who created Friday Night Lights, who's trying to make a movie out of Dune. And he made a bunch of very funny Dune jokes, which I got despite having never read or seen the original film of Dune. It's very long. Both are very long and extremely nerdy.

Even much more nerdy than I'm capable... I would be punching above my weight class in the nerdiness department reading dune i think what's what's the cutoff for you what's as nerdy as you'll get oh god well there's sports it's sports nerd okay um although i'm talking like like traditional nerd like i have read a number of science fiction novels, but I've only read classic science fiction novels, and I haven't read any science fiction novels in some time. But as a child, I read an Ender's Game, a Martian Chronicles, etc. Okay, so for me, it's Star Trek. That's the cutoff line? i can't do it i watch you know here's the thing i did watch star trek the next generation when it was new okay when it came

on tv and it was on cereal boxes and so on i watched a fair bit of it on uh upn channel 44 in uh the bay area um and i liked it but when i found out about star trek enthusiasts it caught me completely by surprise you're like wait a minute some people are really into this yeah i didn't i you know i thought it was neat how whoopi goldberg was on a tv show sure i liked how that guy had that supervision. Yeah. He was always supervising the other crew members. No, the guy with the hairband face from Roots. Sure.

It was a fun show to me. But on the other hand, at the time, I also was a big fan of another popular science fiction series of that time. The Secret World of Alex Mack. I was going to say Out of This World. Both acceptable answers. My favorite part on Out of This World was when Evie, the protagonist, used her space powers to bring Abraham Lincoln back from the dead in order to help her with her history homework.

And anyway, Abraham Lincoln's living at her house secretly because she can't tell anybody that she brought Abraham Lincoln back from the dead and is presumably going to send him back to the world of the dead as soon as she's done with her history project. Where he lives anyway the reason he went to hell is is something that happened she comes home and uh and abraham lincoln's there and she says how'd your day go abe and she he holds up this tiny sweater really tiny like a dog-sized sweater and he says it went great i discovered the make small machine and she says no that was

the dryer that's my cashmere sweater nice anyway um so ted turner was the make small machine um so ted turner was the was the headlining speaker of this event, and John had already been really delightful and hilarious. Dennis Lehane was pretty intense for an author, and the woman who wrote Reading Lolita in Tehran, honestly, I found her a little annoying. Not really annoying, but a little bit annoying. I apologize to all the

Oprah's book pitch. Sounds like you're just annoyed by women's issues, Jesse. That's true. You're annoyed when issues of gender and race come together. Yeah, sure. The intersections between gender and race certainly annoy me. Each on its own. I'm comfortable unpacking my knapsack of white privilege, Jordan, but I'm not comfortable unpacking that knapsack of white privilege, Jordan. But I'm not comfortable unpacking that knapsack if it contains male privilege items therein. You see what I'm saying? I hear you. So Ted Turner is the headliner.

And unlike the other people, he has not prepared remarks. He's just winging it. And what's really amazing is Hodgman has been hosting this whole time And Ted Turner has just Has been looking at him With a stone face Like what is this The entire time Just pure

That's the Hodgman's kind of a complicated joke you know Yeah everyone else is laughing though I want to make that clear He's making some straight forward jokes So anyway Kind of a complicated joke, you know? Yeah. Everyone else is laughing, though. I want to make that clear. He's making some straightforward jokes. Okay. So anyway, Ted Turner steps up to the microphone.

He starts answering questions. The thing that I remember the most is when someone asked him about his many divorces, he said, well, you know know you do what you can do i never did anything with any kids man talk about maximum fun he's his position on it is that if you're ted turner at the end of the day what you're responsible for is not fucking children yeah he's like look i am one of the richest men in the world he's like i hang out with the world's richest men we you know we have a social club we go yachting all those dudes fuck kids not me i am not a kitty fucker no i'll cheat on my wife my many wives sure i'll marry a legendary beauty and then uh probably sleep around on her he's married to jane fonda for quite some time um and uh you know but at the end of the day not a kid fucker

yeah that's his defense now it's like when i'm hanging out in the basement of yale yeah and all the and they bring out the children for the fucking... I say a polite goodnight. I get my coat and go. I put on my leather mantle and sit in the paddling seat. Sure. So I have this Ted Turner hat. Okay. It says, call me Ted on it. This is the name of his book.

I received it as a gift for attending this breakfast. I am now thinking, I'm wondering, there's two options. One is the big tent, which is where I adopt Ted Turner as a sort of crazy mascot. Okay. Of Jordan, Jesse, go.

Sure. Or we adopt Ted Turner as a sort of crazy mascot. So let's say I read, he was recently in San Francisco while I was home for the holidays. There was a little interview with him. He said one reason he never ran for president was because he was married to Jane Fonda. Which, another reason would be because he's... Controversial figure back in Vietnam, right? He's totally mental. That would be another reason that he never ran for president. He doesn't recognize that one. He thinks the only thing standing between him and the presidency.

So there are certain considerations that would suggest that we should bring Ted Turner into the fold. Here's another example. He's the world's largest owner of bison, buffaloes. That's what he does with his time these days. He manages his buffalo herd. He's no longer in the media business. He's been sort of

pushed out. His billions have been spent on land for buffalo and buffalo. Okay? So he does not deal with the day-to-day operations of TNT and TBS anymore. Not anymore. He's been pushed out. He merged with Time Warner

some years ago, and he got pushed off the board of Time Warner five years ago or so. For being mental? I think ultimately for being mental, yes. And just generally disagreeable. Just kind of a sourpuss. Sure. The kind of guy who just squinches up his face at Hodgman.

Gotcha. So there's that. Now, there's another option, Jordan, which is we declare an open war on Ted Turner. Mm-hmm. on Ted Turner, and we start a feud with one of the most noteworthy media moguls of the past 50 years. Okay. Let's make a list of pros and cons. Okay, well, I'll give you an example of something that might suggest that we should declare an open war on him. A jihad, if you will. Sure.

Um, it is this, uh, someone asked him what the highlight of his, uh, life was his entire life. Now, this is a man who created CNN,

uh, in basically, uh, helped invent contemporary cable television, um, with TBS and TNT. Um, a man who built an enormous empire. The world's largest owner of Bison.

He's fucked so many people that his only characteristic for virtue is not fucking children. And he said his career highlight was the first day of the Gulf War. Now, this is because his life highlight, I should say, not his career highlight. Now, this is because CNN was covering it live, and it was a watershed moment for CNN. I mean, you remember what that was like at the time.

Oh, sure, the tracer bullets? Yeah, those tracer bullets. But at the same time, that's a horrible, horrible, horrible thing to say. Sure. People were dying. Right. And et cetera. So that's a negative point for him.

Right. That's just, I'm just balancing out the bison. You see what I'm saying? Because the bison is pretty cool. Yeah. Now, what are the advantages if we can bring him on board he's got a lot of resources at his disposal he's got he's got a whole catalog of family guy episodes that he could rerun absolutely he he could colorize jordan jesse

go no yeah that too um right now we're broadcasting in black and white. I'd like to be kind of orangey. Yeah, exactly. I'd like to be a little orangey. Kind of a weird color version. He may still control Yogi Bear. Yeah, I think so. I think he has at least a share in Yogi Bear. So that's something we could consider.

Other Hanna-Barbera characters. Yeah, Top Cat. Top Cat, absolutely. Jabberjaw. something we we could consider um other hannah barbara characters yeah uh top cat top cat absolutely jabber jaw uh snagglepuss yes is he's the guy who goes oh something something even yes right so snagglepuss imagine how much better this show would be if snagglepuss was involved yeah i mean maybe we could finally get the elusive el kabong um so there are some upsides downsides he's a loose cannon sure we don't know what he's gonna do yeah we've already got me for that he you never know what i'm gonna say he uh he might try and have sex with our significant others sure uh and or my dog yeah he didn't he didn't mention uh he didn't mention whether he'd fucked any animals who

knows why he's got these bison on his ranch you see what i'm saying um so that's one uh he's still pretty handsome albeit in a uh lost some of his marbles type of way. Yeah. Sort of like a... Doesn't he have like a weird, like, red face, like a red rash on his face now? That's possible, but he's... Yeah. I'm sure he has a rash on his face. I mean, think of the different people he's fucked. Sure.

Think of the different crotches that face has been in. When you've face-fucked that many elephants, you know, you're gonna get a rash. Oh, man. That's just a presumption on my part. That's not a statement of fact. Yeah, it was.

You know, so there are downsides, too. So I feel like we should open this up for discussion. Yeah. Whether we should bring him in or keep him out. Does this mean that Ted Turner can just kind of waltz on the show at any point and just start talking about whatever he wants? Yeah, absolutely. Does he have carte blanche to come in here and just interrupt our usual content? Well, hopefully we would contain him in some way.

Yeah. We would set up a structure for him, you know, where he's not just going to go, he's not going to try and suggest topics, for example. We're the producers of this show. We'll handle the topic suggesting. Sure. But he might just come in and want to sit in with us. Okay. When I briefly worked for a morning show

on a women's rock station in the Bay Area, there was a comedian who would just come in. Sure. And nobody asked him to come in. He was a nice guy, a nice fella, moderately funny. And he just did do some time. He would just come in. Yeah, he'd just be there and be like, oh, he's here.

You know, I'm not using his name. I don't want to impugn him. But I don't, you know, I think Turner would just show up sometimes. I'm sure he's got a chopper. He lives in Atlanta, but I'm sure he's got a chopper. Your building has a helipad, right? Absolutely. If it doesn't have a helipad, at the very least, it has a balloon docking pole.

Sure. So he'll either take the footer or the pole. Sure. So he'll either take the footer or the helicopter. That's how billionaires travel, George. So I'm throwing it open. It's a topic. It's something we can hear what our listeners have to say.

How they feel about it. Are you pro or con on this Ted Turner bringing him into the fold thing? And certain, I mean, then I guess if we have his resources at our disposal, if we ever don't want to show, if we ever don't want to do the show, we can just air kind of a truncated version

of Lord of the Rings 2. Or, check this out, Jordan. No Jordan and Jesse Go. Jordan and Jesse are out this week. Jordan and Jesse Go will be hosted by Larry King and Wolf Blitzer. Oh, wow. Let me ask you this question, Jordan. Jesse, go. Jordan and Jesse are out this week. Jordan, Jesse, go will be hosted by Larry King and Wolf Blitzer. Oh, wow. Let me ask you this question, Jordan. Just gabbing.

Can I ask you a question? Yeah. Do you think if we bring... Oh, I want to be Wolf Blitzer, by the way. Do you think... Do you think... Great. I want to be Larry King.

I've already got the braces. Fine. So do you think if we bring Ted Turner in, we can get some of that hologram technology? Because he was, now, he's no longer owns CNN. Yeah. That probably wasn't his call. And they

created it since he didn't own it. But I wonder... If he was in there, the CNN correspondents would just be a talking bison. He's probably got deep connections in the technology center. Sure. He can, you know,

Shanghai some of that technology. Yeah. You see what I'm saying? Yeah, that's true. He can secret it out of CNN technology headquarters. All of a sudden, it's Jesse, Jordan,

and a hologram of Will.i.am. Yeah. You see what I'm saying? From the black-eyed peas? Mm-hmm. Yeah, sure. Okay. He'll give us some Obama perspective.

Oh, good. See what I'm saying? Was he a hologram on CNN? Yeah, absolutely. I didn't know that. Yeah. I thought you picked a random celebrity. No, hologram Will.i.am was on CNN.

Wow. Yeah. And there's other holograms, too, but that's the important one. And what if we could pick the celebrities? Let's say I brought in a holograms too, but that's the important one. And what if we could pick the celebrities? Let's say I brought in a hologram. Oh, here is Don Caveman Robinson, starting pitcher for the San Francisco Giants circa 1989.

We would talk to him about what it's like to be such a good hitter for a pitcher. Okay. What it was like to pinch hit sometimes. Because Roger Craig would bring him in to pinch hit from time to time because he was such a good hitter for a pitcher. Do you think just because this is audio, we should just get those people on the phone and not worry about beaming their holograms in here? I feel like I couldn't connect with them, really,

if there wasn't... Yeah, no, you're right. Plus, there's a certain... You know, there's just a certain something that's missing. No, you're right, you're right. My idea was crazy if it's not an incorporeal 3d manifestation of the person you're just really like i don't know like it's

one thing to have a guest on the phone it's another thing we can joke around and make it look like we're like grabbing their butt exactly it's one thing to have a guest on the phone another thing to put your hand in and out of a guest. Sure. You see what I'm saying? Like pretend to fuck them. So we want to know your thoughts on Ted Turner. Give us a call and let us know. 206-984-4FUN.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse Goe. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. You know what's a great thing to do if you have your own radio program? Dip into the mailbag. Yeah. You know what I mean? Easy content.

Go start with a toe and then just get right in there. Yeah. Slide right in. I just like to Slide right in. I just like to cannonball in. Really? Oh, yeah. It's less cold that way.

I don't have the guts. Come on, man. Jordan, I do not have the guts. We get some cold ass... Go to the pool, get to the party. We get some cold ass mail, Jordan. Yeah. Seriously.

Ice mail. This one is from someone named Ocean. Do you think Ocean is a man or a woman? I don't know. He's probably a character on a VH1 reality show. How about this? He's an avatar on a late 1990s

website. Okay. You know, like with a green swoop of hair. It looks sort of like a banana. That's what I'm imagining. Okay. A figure in Microsoft Bob. I really like you and your podcast.

Now, I'm going to presume that he or she means that... We're talking about you. Yeah, me, not you. No. I also like Waldorf education. What is your beef with Waldorf schools? Signed, Ocean S. Ocean S. what is your beef with waldorf schools signed ocean s ocean s do we do we complain about waldorf schools a lot now jordan i'm gonna be honest with you i don't remember complaining about waldorf schools at all yeah um uh what's that other kind of school that we complain about more it's not a waldorf school

uc santa cruz oh yeah we do complain a lot about uc santa cruz i'm thinking of um uh giannini what's it called now i have no idea it's a middle school in san francisco um what's that kind of school it's like uh it's like where you it's like where you go to a preschool, send them to a preschool. It's like that. It's a lady's last name, Jordan. Yeah, I don't know. Okay. Well, I don't think I've been... Here's the point, Jordan. Okay. I don't remember complaining about Waldorf schools on the show. I don't think it's come up. Maybe Ocean's reacting to something in particular that we don't remember. I don't remember complaining about it. But now that Ocean has asked specifically what our beef is with Waldorf schools,

I mean, I'm willing to run it down. Yeah, I mean, she broke the seal, I guess. I mean, there's a lot of things. I don't think serving eggnog at snack time is appropriate. Sure. Because it's bad for you. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah.

Every snack time, not just during the holiday season. I don't even know how they get it at the store. Maybe they make it themselves. So that's something that I don't like. Yeah. It confuses children as to what time of year it is. Absolutely. That's my primary concern.

Throws off their internal clock. Yeah. A child's internal clock is, you know, if you feed a child ribs, it thinks that it's July. Sure. Is the point. Yeah. And if you feed them eggnog, they get excited for presents in March. And then they become irritable.

Exactly. Or any nog, really, not just eggnog. It could be, you go to the store, sometimes you get holiday nog. Yeah. That's even worse, because it has it right there in the name. Also, kids shouldn't be drunk. Yeah, I don't understand why they insist, and it's not just the eggnog.

They don't just put brandy in the eggnog. They also, everything they see, you know, it's normal for a school to give kids juice, but not as a mixer. Sure. You see what I'm saying? It's one thing to give a child orange juice, cranberry juice. It's another thing to give a child a screwdriver.

Sure. And I don't... And like, if you're gonna do... Like, if you're gonna intentionally get your kids drunk, fine, but don't do it so early in the day. Right. Like, I feel like they sit down, take attendance, and then start passing out the jello shots exactly that's what i mean i don't know but sorry i'm maybe i'm old-fashioned maybe i'm just an old-fashioned you know public school kind of guy but here's here's one thing i don't like about it okay they teach kids uh you know volume measuring volume with hard drugs yeah in syringes um and weights also hard drugs again hard drugs um i mean it's honestly granted a kid educated

waldorf school by first grade they can weigh and measure at a fourth grade level. Sure. But if their only understanding of weights and measures comes from heroin, cocaine, powdered cocaine. Mushrooms. If in home ec class. You know, here's my thing with the drugs. It's like, all right, if you're going to do that, fine, but provide a chill-out tent.

Exactly. Provide a chill-out tent for the kids when they're coming down. You need somebody there to hold their hand and guide them through this experience, or they are going to have a freakout. If you're giving the kids the X, give them something to chew on. Sure. A banana. They'll bite their tongues. They could bite their tongues, Jordan.

Keep them hydrated, but not over-hydrated. Do not mix booze and drugs. Yeah. People react in different ways to different substances. So I'm just saying, you know, it's the least you can do, Waldorf School. I also think that teaching colors through gang affiliations is inappropriate yeah um i just think kids should wait and you shouldn't join a gang until you're 12 or 13 so if you're not adolescent you shouldn't have to be set repping sure and the

level of set tripping that goes on at wald schools, I think is indicative of the problem. Yeah. Go to a Waldorf school where you don't see Bloods versus Crips, Norteños versus Sureños, where you don't see MS-13, the world's most dangerous gang with a strong foothold in six seven-year-old children, Jordan, seven-year-old children working as burros, carrying cocaine over the border for geography class. Yeah. You see what I mean?

I know. Hey, you're preaching to the choir on this one. But again, I could just be an old fuddy-duddy. I'm sorry. I don't believe in the new math. Yeah. Excuse me if I believe in the three R's, reading, writing, and arithmetic. Yeah.

Okay? I'm sorry. No, it's, that's my beef. Sorry, and I know we're kind of beating a dead horse here, but I really, like, okay, when it comes to class pets, we had a bunny. Right. We had a bunny in second grade. In my class there was a guinea pig. His name was Homework. homework sure we all got to take him home for a week a year right i don't

understand why the waldorf school can't just stick to that like why they need the mythical beasts that like don't even exist it's like why do you have a hydra in the class it's dangerous it kills too many heads which head do you feed? You know, like, I don't know. It's just, it's too complicated, too dangerous. You're confusing. It's risky. You're confusing children's sense of what does and doesn't exist. Right.

And it's like when you conjure these things up through, you know, magic and, you know, foreign science that wouldn't be illegal here in America. Right. You know, it just sends a mixed message. You know who recently received an honorary Ph.D. from the Waldorf Schools Association of America? North Korean strong-arm dictator Kim Jong-il for his work in the black sciences.

Sure. The dark sciences is where he received his PhD. They don't have universities in North Korea. The mad sciences, some might say. Sorry if that's a slur, but... They don't have universities in North Korea, but you know what they do have, Jordan? Chimera?

Waldorf schools. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, I don't want to pile on, but Ocean asked. Ocean emailed us to ask. So yeah, sorry. That's why we have some anti-Waldorf school sentiment, okay? It's done.

I'm closing the book. Jordan? Let's just have fun. Jordan, I'm closing the book. Wow, you had that book the whole time? We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. It's Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, all good things must come to an end. Every door that opens is a door that closes. Sure. Jurassic Park 3 ends, and we don't know if there's going to be a Jurassic Park 4. I guess what I'm trying to say is, this is the last week that slide2play.com

is sponsoring Jordan Jesse Go. Our month of slide2play.com discussion has come to an end. I know I'm crying real tears. Salty tears. I can taste them on the tip of my tongue. Sure. It's like for a while there, I felt like, I don't know, the show just wasn't about cracking whys and bullshit,

but it was like about something. Letting people know about the latest games for their iPhone. Exactly. People who wanted to know what's a good game and what's a bad game, they were hoping for reviews. They could go to Slide to Play. Sure. People who were wondering what games were coming up,

they could go to Slide to Play. And it gave us a chance to really give back to the community. Yeah, yeah. In so many, so many ways. So I guess what I'm trying to say is slide2play.com, as a sponsor of Jordan Jesse Go, we will never forget you. We will never forget your URL, slide2play.com.

God bless you. Thanks for giving me purpose, if only for a little bit. Now, Jordan. I can go back to my meaningless, decadent Hollywood lifestyle. Remember... I'm living just for me. Remember when your younger sibling had a goldfish, and it died, and so you told your younger sibling that it was just sleeping. Sure. You went to the goldfish store, bought a new goldfish to replace the other one that looked like the old

one, and told them that it was the same one? I do. I'd like to execute a little bit of that sort of sleight of hand with our listeners right now. Because we have a new, one week only sponsor on Jordan and Jesse Go. Great. It is called Smite Fest.

Smite Fest, huh? Smite Fest. Sounds unpleasant. Here's what it is. Okay. Wade, a long time listener of Jordan Jesse Go, active member on the forums, has put together this event. It is called

Smite Fest. This is what it is. A night of video games, pizza, and kicking out the jams. Okay. If you live in Seattle or the Seattle area, Tacoma, for example, it is going down December 13th from 5 to 9 p.m. at the big space underneath the Episcopal Church of the Redeemer in Kenmore. Okay. Now, Jordan, if, like me, you were a sexton's assistant at an Episcopal church, you know that the big space underneath an Episcopal church is called an undercroft.

This will be taking place in the Undercroft. That's insider's lingo, Jesse. The Undercroft of the Episcopal Church of the Redeemer in Kenmore on December 13th from 5 to 9 p.m. Basically what's going on is Wade has organized this activity. It's going to be a super sweet jam kicking out. They're going to be playing your guitar heroes in your rock bands, rock band two specifically, on a giant screen with a lot of people.

Great. And having a lot of fun. He says he promises there will be no churchy stuff, except for at some point during it, there will be a weird medieval church service, medieval style church service upstairs. I think that this church is sort of like the church that I worked at for a while, where they had the painting of quote-unquote Saint Malcolm X on the wall. Sure. And that it's

pretty much the kind of church where if you tell them, let's play rock band in the undercroft... They're fine with it. They'll go for it. Yeah, it's totally free, although they say if you come, they are going to take up a collection for the gaming charity Child's Play, which I think gives games to kids who are in the hospital. Yeah, games to children's hospitals. So it sounds like a really awesome, fantastic event.

And if you're in the Seattle area, totally something you should go check out. I know Wade's a real nice fellow. I met him when I was up in Seattle. Really nice guy. And I promise this isn't some weird church trick if you're not the church-going type. It's just a fun thing. church trick if you're not the church-going type. It's just a fun thing. December 13th, 2008, 5 to 9 p.m. at the Episcopal Church of the Redeemer in Kenmore. Smitefest.org is the website, and if you want to email them, info at smitefest.org. So sounds pretty good,

right? Boom. If you want to sponsor Jordan and Jesse Go for just one week, $100, the one week $100 sponsorship, it's on the table. I get $50, Jordan gets $50. We spend it on bullshit. Yeah, exactly. This is not money we use to eat with. No. This is our bullshit money. Oh, sure.

There is no time when bullshit money is more important than the holidays. Because the holidays is the time when you go shopping and pretend to be shopping for other people, but just buy bullshit for yourself. Yeah. One of those pens that writes upside down. Exactly. Gotta get one of those. Gotta get a space pen. Jesse at MaximumFun.org if you want to sponsor us for $100.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. Jesse at MaximumFun.org if you want to sponsor us for $100. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. On the line here, it's rare that we do an interview here on Jordan, Jesse, Go! We usually leave that to the sound of

Young America. And Charlie Rose. But we have something special today. Something that I think will be of particular interest to this specific audience, to the Jordan Jesse Goh audience.

Because what do we always say, Jordan? What is it that distinguishes the Sound of Young America audience from the Jordan Jesse Goh audience? Love is bullshit. Psychographically. Oh, sure. Psychographically, I'm talking about. In terms of interests.

Bullshit? Ghosts and aliens. Oh, okay. Ghosts and aliens is the primary difference between these two. Now, Trey Hamburger is a young man who is an expert on ghosts and aliens, and he's written what I would characterize as the definitive book on the subject. It's called Ghosts Slash Aliens. Trey, welcome to Jordan, Jesse, go.

Hello. Hi, my name is Trey Hamburger. I live in Leonard, Michigan, next door to the meatball factory. Am I on air? Yes. Oh, my. Okay. Is it possible your electricians could make my voice deeper so I sound stronger at all. Is that a concern, would you say? You sound reasonably strong. Okay, well, I mean, that's fine. It's not really something we do, although we could describe you later and just make an offhanded mention of your muscles and jaw. All right, great. I appreciate that.

All right. I mean, I guess I came here to tell you guys that I am a victim of paranormal activity. And I'm not talking about, you know, the guys who went looking for UFOs, found a truck full of Mexicans, and ended up getting into a huge fight. I'm talking about the real thing. Wait, now, okay. So let's slow down here, Trey, because you're freaking me out.

Yeah, you're covering a lot of ground. I don't know if, I'm not sure if I even have the strength to deal with this. Let's talk about what were the circumstances of you being victimized by, as you put it, by aliens?

Well, I mean, basically I've had a few experiences that really just kind of got my mind going. I mean, first of all, I had a bird that winked at me. I heard somebody boating when nobody was around. And then I heard a secondhand account of a teleporting Hot Pocket. And then I heard a secondhand account of a teleporting Hot Pocket. Now, that doesn't necessarily sound like alien activity. Your book is called Ghosts Slash Aliens.

Right. Would you characterize this as trouble from another world in space or from another plane of our world? All right, well, wait. I mean, let me explain the whole story. You'll definitely agree here. I mean, basically, everything started when my associate, Derek, called me up. And he said he put a plate of food into the microwave. I'm sorry, can I just clarify, associate? Right, he's my associate.

I mean, we were working together. I mean, we trained together with the bow staffs and, I mean, we were working together. I mean, we trained together with the bow staffs and, I mean, across bows and stuff like that. But, I mean, you know, that was a little bit later. But right now, I mean, it all started with basically what happened to him. And he called me up and he said he put a plate of food in the microwave before he went to the bathroom. And then when he got back, the plate was mysteriously found on the counter. Now, look, there's no way that plate of Hot Pockets could have sent the microwave from natural forces.

Something happened. I mean, does he, sorry, I mean, I'm sure you've explored this before, but is it possible that, I don't know if he has a roommate or lives with family. Nobody was home. Hmm. Except for him. Yeah. Him. But he did not participate in moving those pockets from the microwave

on the counter, and there's no way naturally that could happen. Sorry, I just had to ask. I had to make sure all the bases, because the listeners are asking. Exactly. These are the questions we asked ourselves. We stayed up late. We did a lot of screaming fights. We were just trying to figure out what happened.

And so far, I mean, this is the only explanation. I mean, we can't even find Derek right now. We think he's missing. I mean, either he's at Daytona Beach or another dimension. We just don't know. Either one is possible. Yeah. Given national forces.

Does he go to Daytona Beach regularly? Does he go to Daytona Beach?? Does he go to Daytona Beach? I don't know. I mean, we would try to call him, and he's not picking up the phone. We don't know where he's at. We called his grandpa. He doesn't know.

Well. Plus, I mean, last time we talked to him, he was just freaking out. Okay. Well, I mean, if anybody sees him, please give us a call, and we'll relay the message, of course. Thank you.

So you experienced the Hot Pocket displacement, we'll call it. And then a couple of other things happened. You heard a moan. Right. I mean, yeah, that's just one of the few things that we've discovered. I mean, we've also discovered that Nabisco owns the patent to fly exhaustor technology, and we've also discovered the existence of interdimensional portals found across the United States, like, for example, South Dakota.

Now, when you say South Dakota, are're referring to the entire state of South Dakota? Well, I mean, we've never spoken to anybody from South Dakota. We've never really heard much about it, and it just seems like it could be just a giant portal. Did you check with Derek's grandpa on that one? No, we haven't talked to him. I mean, we basically assumed. I mean, he's never mentioned anything about it either. So, I mean. So it sounds like, in other words, Trey, it sounds like when these strange things started happening, you guys started to do some investigating.

Tell me about what you did when you realized that something strange was going on. I mean, we basically started investigating my neighbor and gathering evidence about him. I mean, we think he could be from another dimension or India. But, I mean, I don't really have the liberty to speak more about this because of the legal issues surrounding certain people attacking certain persons when the guy was acting weird. So, I don't know. I can't get too into it right now because of that legal boundary,

but we've been doing a lot of investigating. We've been really training ourselves to fight these beings and just try to discover more things and try to, you know, talk to other people and, you know, make other people realize that they're not the only people that are experiencing these things. Now, okay, I think we're kind of dancing around the issue here a little bit. I just want to cut to the chase. This isn't gotcha journalism or anything like that, but I just, what does all of this mean?

Can you tell us in very specific terms, there's these things happening, there's portals, food is being moved without our knowledge. Is this a sign of something bigger on the horizon? Well, basically, my associate Mike Stevens and I, we think that the apocalypse is coming. It may be upon us. And these things are signs. They're harbingers. Yes. I mean, just the other day, Mike Stevens, he saw some weird fog.

And then, I mean, I was at the bathtub the other day, and I heard somebody say my name underwater, and I nearly choked. Were you eating in the bath? No, I was just blowing bubbles underwater, and I almost choked. But I heard somebody say my name, and I almost choked. But I heard someone say that I had no one at home. What can we do? I mean, I presume that we would be largely following your example, since you're the one experiencing these things for the most part,

and also Derek and Mike. sounded like Mike, what can we do to prepare for a potential alien-slash-ghost apocalypse or apocalyptic situation? Right. I mean, if you could get close enough to maybe an alien and you could glue a magnet on their head, then their homing abilities will be useless. And then also Mike Stevens and I have deduced that these aliens probably have suction cupping abilities to grip food in space, so there's no gravity in space.

This is a supposition on your part. Well, I mean, it's logical. It sounds like they've gone through a scientific process. The scientific method was applied to this suction cup thing, to be fair. Right. I mean, so we definitely deduce that these guys have suction cups. But now think about this. Those cups can be clogged.

Okay. Right. So how would you, what would you use to clog a suction cup? Maybe like some nacho chips or any kind of like small, gradual substances, maybe some tiny stones from your driveway. I mean or whatever you can get your hands on. I mean, the point is that people are just thinking and just really trying to concentrate

on stopping these beings with home products. Do you have a strong feeling as to whether these beings are ghosts, aliens, or both? I mean, there are some instances. I mean, there's some things that are ghosts or some things that are aliens. I mean, for example, if you're laying in bed late at night and you feel like a strange flipper, like kind of aquatic feeling,

a flipper like rubbing the back of your head, that's definitely an alien. For a ghost, I mean, if you see like any kind of levitating towels or like dead grandpas popping up, that's generally like ghost activity. You guys have also done some research specifically into portals of various kinds. You just mentioned South Dakota. How do the portals enter into this and why are they such a significant concern? Well, I mean, it's definitely, we think that a lot of the stuff may have started because of a potential portal opening.

And, I mean, we just think that people need to stay away from that type of stuff. I mean, if you think about these, one of my friends he uh contacted satan and he burnt his eyebrows off wow that's really heavy yeah yeah not jesus um okay well i mean so so what can we do like like do what is where is it where's the safest place to be when all of this goes down? Well, I used to think it was kind of like small towns. I mean, like, personally, you know, like my small town, Leonard, I mean, I thought that was a place that you could be safe. But, I mean, when you think about it, you know, all the people on the top,

like all the generals and stuff, they're going to run to the small towns, and a lot of these beings know that. So they're going to start attacking there, too. So I don't think anybody's safe anywhere. I mean, I was at the tub and it happened. So, I mean, you've just got to prepare. I mean, I've started training myself. I mean, I've gained a lot of skills lately.

I mean, now I have high running speeds. I've got crossbow and broadsword skills, and I'm well-trained at aquatic slash semi-aquatic trade, and I could even eat a person if I get stuck somewhere. So, I mean, the bottom line is just to be trained, be prepared, and know that this happens. Did you, now, Trey, I don't mean to interrupt you, did you train in eating a person? Yeah, have you actually eaten someone? No, I mean, I imagined it several times, and it's, you know, I mean, it's psychological,

really. Yeah, it's psychological, really. Yeah, it's a matter of getting in that headspace to where you could eat a person. Right, it would be definitely a last resort. I mean, if somebody had some nachos, I would definitely eat that first. I want to ask you, this book is really remarkably detailed. It includes a lot of support documents. One of the documents that I found really interesting was a top secret document that you obtained. Now, because it's top secret, Jordan, I don't know if you've ever looked at secret documents or you worked in intelligence at all. A lot of times, portions of the document will be blacked out because they're for official eyes

only. Now, in this one, it's dated November 18th, 1985. It's labeled, this is a top secret eyes only document containing the highest level of secret documents imaginable. It's, like I said, dated and then has one paragraph of text. It's mostly blacked out, but we see the phrase, blankets just started going nuts. And then later on in that same paragraph, just the word puked. Right. And Colonel Blank, don't show this to anybody seriously. How did finding source documents like this affect you guys putting together this theory and, in some ways, this system?

I mean, it definitely supported a lot of our conclusions. And, I mean, especially when there were low points in the investigation when, you know, we were feeling bad or, I mean, somebody tripped and fell down a hill or something and we just decided to take a break for that day. I mean, when we filed documents like this, it really just spurred us on just to start trading harder and start getting ready to attack. Now, let me ask you this question, Trey. This is sort of the be-all, end-all. We have thousands of listeners out there across America right now,

and they're looking for something hands-on, something practical. and they're looking for something hands-on, something practical, if there's one thing that these folks should do to prepare for ghosts slash aliens to potentially open a portal, start some kind of apocalyptic-type situation, what would you recommend? I'd just basically just use common sense I mean you know if you like see a ghost coming at you I mean for example I mean you can

pour some chemicals on the entity to raise its density and then you can scissor kick it I mean for example stay away from Ouija boards I mean just like I said my buddy he burnt his eyebrows off and I mean those things I mean the recommended age should be 30 my buddy, he burnt his eyebrows off. And I mean, those things,

I mean, the recommended age should be 30 and up, if you know what I'm saying. So, I mean, just use common sense and just kind of realize that you're not alone and that this happens all the time and that, you know,

if you feel, you know, late at night that you've got like a flipper, you know, rubbing on you, you know, you need to talk to a buddy and really just get it out of your system, you know. Well, if folks out there are interested in topics as diverse as respecting ladies, hidden driveways, porno, gurgled clues, headbutts, Indians and yeast infections. and yeast infections. A great book to check out all of that is our guest Trey Hamburger's new Ghosts Slash Aliens.

Trey, thank you so much for joining us. It was really informative to have you. Great, thanks. I mean, yeah, I got to go anyway. My mom keeps screaming at me to get on the bathtub right now. I mean, I've been in here for over an hour. How old are you? I'm about 17 years old.

Okay. Well, Trey, a very impressive achievement. Really amazing research you've done and some great science in here. So, thanks again. Great to have you. Great, thank you. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. Love you. Love you. Love you. Jesse Goh. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, there are a lot of great segments on this program. I don't think I'm tooting my own horn to say that this program is chock full of fantastic segments. Sure. However, that having been said, there is one segment that is my favorite above all others. Oh, man, I can't wait to hear what it is. It is a segment that I, every time we have it on the program, I savor it.

Every time we have it on the program, I savor it. I roll it around in my mouth, in my mind mouth, like a fine cabaret of segment. Cabernet. Sure. Segment cabernet. You roll it around like the first time you watched Cabaret. Like a pinot grigio. It's oaky.

Sure. Rich. Fruity notes. Hey, Jesse, you want to smell the cork? I already did. Nice. And with regard to the cork, you probably shouldn't smell it anymore. Yeah.

It's all smelled out. It's a magical segment, I would say, Jordan. Yeah. It's all smelled out. It's a magical segment, I would say, Jordan. Yeah. Wait, what is it? It's called Jordan Made a Mistake. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. Looks like it's time to bring back Jesse's favorite part of the show,

Jordan Makes a Mistake. It's not Dinah. It's Diana, who is Wonder Woman. Do your research. You just played the Mortal Kombat versus DC Universe game. You should know better. Bye. Oh, Jordan.

In my defense, they don't get into a lot of secret identity stuff in that game. Jordan, there is no defense for this. Everyone just, yeah. This is indefensible. Jordan, completely indefensible. Jordan, completely indefensible. You knew last week on the program one of our regular callers and listeners called in

to say that she had just given birth to a child that she was planning to name Dinah. Now you said that you knew she was such a big Wonder Woman fan.

Like DC Comics, specifically. Such a big DC Comics fan that she was such a big Wonder Woman fan. Like DC Comics, specifically. DC Comics fan that she was naming her child Dinah after Wonder Woman's identity in the world of the Amazons. Sure. You were completely wrong. I was. And you also failed to consider something that I considered,

which is that we know that Margaret from Manhattan, the woman who called and gave birth to the child, is both an actress and a cabaret singer by profession. Sure. Just like a certain Dinah Shore. Well, yeah. Well, I feel like a shithead. It's because you are a shithead. Yeah. There's only one cure.

I'm sorry. There's only one cure for that. I'm sorry to that new baby. I'm sorry to... Apologize to Dinah Shore. I'm sorry. Apologize to her ghost. I'm sorry, ghost of Dinah Shore.

There's only one solution. Hmm. Momentous occasions. Hi, this is Roy from Alaska, and right now I'm in New York City and I just saw a man scooting on a razor scooter and I just think that's pretty momentous.

It is momentous. There's no doubt about it. A man smoking a pipe and riding on a razor scooter. I need to know a couple of things. I need to know the man's age. Sure. What time of day this was.

Sure. And, um... of day this was. Sure. And, no, those are the two. His dress. His dress. His manner of dress. Yeah. Not whether he was wearing a dress. I mean, it is momentous one way or the other,

but there's some things that would make it more momentous. I think the thing is... If this was an old man, more momentous. Our caller was a little overwhelmed by the fact that he was in the big city, New York City. He's from Alaska. Things are slower up there. Yeah.

You know what I mean? And colder. Probably works on one of those salmon boats, goes out for months at a time. Yeah. He dies half the time. He's literally a dead man. Sure. Calling from beyond the grave.

Which brings me to my point here. Can you please apologize to Dinah Shore's ghost for us? We're not sure she heard. You want me to do it again? Can ghosts listen to podcasts? No, I want him to apologize on our behalf because he's from beyond the grave. Oh, sure. Do you think ghosts listen to podcasts?

Nothing else to do up there. Yeah, I know. You get so bored. so much free time. Yeah. It's like when you're a graphic designer or something always tells us, oh, I listen while I'm working. They listen while they're, you know, whatever. Haunting.

Haunting, playing the harp. Rattling around. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, Joe. This is Eric from California. I was one of the call-ins with a momentous occasion, but nothing really big happened in my life. So today, I got a voicemail from my mom saying that she just got married yesterday.

And instinctively, someone would say, hey, that's kind of a dick move, you know, for your mom not to say that right now I'm getting married, but not really the way our family works, and I'm really happy for her. So thanks. Keep up the good work. Would you be a little bit perturbed? Now, I don't even know. I know your folks don't live together, Jordan.

I don't know. Maybe they're still married. Would you be perturbed? Would you be perturbed if you got a voicemail from your mom saying that she had gotten married the previous day. I don't think my mom should be doing anything sexual. That's my main problem with it. Well, she could be marrying for companionship. Yeah, I'm fine if this is a platonic marriage,

like a green card situation. That would be really funny. Your younger sister's gone off to college, Jordan. She's alone in that big old house. Maybe she's marrying for companionship. Yeah, it's fine. What if it was a green card? What if your mother married Gerard Depardieu?

That would be funny. That would be fun, right? Yeah, as long as it's like a comic situation that she's putting herself in. Because he's got that monster schnoz. Yeah. You know? And those funny French ways.

Mm-hmm. I was impressed by that. He just took it so well, so gracefully. Yeah, I mean, there's definitely a little peace of mind when you kind of realize that your family's nuts and not to expect them to be not nuts, you know? Uh-huh. That's definitely, I think, a real mature kind of person

is someone who just kind of understands the way that their family works and then just doesn't bitch about it. You know what I... And have a little fun with it. That's sort of the lesson I took home from Thanksgiving this year. Oh, yeah? I love my family. Sure.

And when I say my family, I'm including Teresa's family as well. You know, I've been with Teresa for 10 years, so I know them very well. Yeah. I love them. It's great. Okay. It's great to love your family. Sure, absolutely.

It feels really good. You know, spend some time with your family. Give them hug why not you know what i mean it's not like i was against the family before i'm just realizing like you know what even if even if they hate you because you're gay or something even if it's something horrible going on. Sure. You can still love them. I went to Nordstrom Rack with my mom. She bought me a belt. Yeah, I love going to Nordstrom Rack with my mom. Oh, come on.

It's great. It's the best. Ah, it's fantastic. Anyway, that's what the holiday season's all about in my book. Not pie fights. Yeah. Speaking of which, give us a call. I want some good holiday stories this year it's got to be

better than last year last year a guy called in to say that his uh grandmother and mother had engaged in uh uh had had become estranged from one another one showed up at the other's house with pies um and was refused entrance and they ended up having a pie fight um but like a sad pie like an angry sad pie fight not a goofy funny pie fight it's all about what music's playing in the background though yeah that's true he did happen to be in the other room at the time watching benny hill so tone uh so what's your worst holiday story 206 984 for fun it has to be something that you can laugh at looking back. Yeah. But let's hear it. 206-9844-FUN. One more momentous occasion.

This one actually kind of ties in with our friend from Alaska. Hi, Jordan, Jesse Go. This is Heather in Lafayette, Louisiana. Today, for the first time, I caught a fish, killed it, cleaned it, cooked it, and consumed it. So now I am a real man. Thanks. Bye. Totally. Thanks, bye. Totally.

Nice. Amazing. Caught it, cleaned it, cooked it, consumed it. It's pretty good. The four C's. Yeah. That's what they call that. Okay, Jordan.

We have one more call. I think this is going to be a rich call. This is a call that we're going to be mining for many years. This is a call that's the mind grapes of which will keep us in grape juice for months to come. I'll just prepare for my life to change then. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, yo. It's Ben in New York. I wanted to suggest an action item

because I've been thinking a lot about pranks I pulled in college, most notably a rig I set up in my dorm room so that anybody who walked in the door would get, like, mummified in silly string. And I've been kind of thinking that I need to get back into pranking people. I sort of have my current roommate in mind for a prank. He's also a listener. I was going to see if you guys would be interested in maybe sharing some pranks that you've done or opening up a new action item. People calling in telling you about awesome pranks.

Now, here's the thing, Jordan. Yeah. I've been thinking about this a little bit. If you call in to talk about a prank that you pulled, you're kind of a douche. Sure. That's the fatal flaw with what our caller suggested. If you call in to talk about a prank that was pulled on you, you are the bigger man or woman. Right?

Yeah, I like it. I want to hear about pranks that people have had pulled on them. Mm-hmm. You know, April Fool's Day, my freshman year of college, I had my, you know, in a college dormitory, you have very little to decorate. You can put things on your door or on a little message board by your door. door or on a little message board by your door. So I had decorated my dorm room door with a mosaic of 1987 Donruss baseball cards. Some of my favorite players, your Ken Obergefells,

your Scotty Gareltses. It was really complicated and spectacular. Dan Grayson, who people may have heard on the college years, he's been on the college years a number of times, who helped me write and record the Maximum Fun, the theme from The Sound of Young America, lived next door and had a similarly complex door decoration. I can't remember off the top of my head what was on his. When we woke up on April 1st, our door decorations had been switched perfectly. Every single thing exactly in the right place on the other person's door. No one ever took responsibility for this act, despite significant pressure that we placed on everyone we knew.

As far as I'm concerned, that was the master stroke. I still, it eats me inside. Who switched my door with Dan's door? I have a little bit of a meaner. You might remember this too. This is actually somebody else. This is back in business, Brian Lane. Sure.

A similar college door deck prank. There was this girl, and she had gone outside of her decorating area. She didn't just decorate on her billboard, but the entire kind of wall from her door till the next person's door, she covered in movie quotes. Oh, God, I remember that. That she had typed out in this kind of, you know,

calligraphy font, and it was all just really, like, you know, just movies that bullshit college kids like. Yeah. It was like, and, you know, it was like, all you need is love, The Beatles, and... Yeah. Oh, I remember that. Just stuff like that. What a nightmare that was. And and one was from the movie Moulin Rouge. To be fair, you said it was movie quotes that bullshit college kids would like. You could have just as easily described it as movie quotes a 12 year old would choose. Sure. Yeah, exactly. How about this?

Nothing interesting or actually funny Or how about this? Nothing interesting or actually funny. How about this? Just some movie quotes from a movie quote website circa 1993. Right, right. Just a quote website that's got the Twinkle Star background wallpaper. Sure, something made on Angel Fire. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, go ahead.

Anyways, and one was from Moulin Rouge, and it was kind of similarly generic. It was like, you know, love will show us the way or so i've never seen moulin rouge but i'm aware it just has kind of some general themes of love and trying your best um being slutty anyways back in business brian lane uh typed up in the exact font found the exact perfect font and replaced the moulin rouge quote with one that said, I am a fucking terrible movie, hyphen, Moulin Rouge, and put it up there. It was like a week before anybody noticed. That's maybe one of the funniest things that happened in college.

So, pranks of which you have been the victim, or of which you have been an uninterested party. We don't necessarily want to hear one that you pulled. Yeah. We don't want to hear you showboating. Yeah. 206-984-4FUN. We want to hear your touchdown dance.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, extra sort of dedication. You know, every book has a dedication page where you dedicate it to your family. Your editor. Or whomever. I'd like to take this opportunity to dedicate this program

to one of my favorite baseball players of the late 1980s, Steve Bye-Bye Balboni. Steve Balboni. This is getting out of control. I don't know who these people are. He was born January 16, 1957. You should have a monologue show like Mike Schmidt.

You need to do two separate shows. One where you mention baseball players and one that I'm on. He was best known for playing with the New York Yankees and the Seattle Mariners. I'm just going to go in the kitchen or something. He also briefly played for the Texas Rangers. I'm going to just go fancy around in your kitchen. In 1996, after... I'm going to read this book.

After several... After missing not appearing in the major leagues in both 1991 and 1992, which I think is a testament to his stick-to-itiveness. Yeah, he sounds great. His career high in home runs was 36, which he hit with the Kansas City Royals in 1985. He was a low batting average hitter with a career batting average of only.229, but he knew how to take a walk to some extent.

He had a career on-base percentage of.293. Of course, he was well-known for his slugging power. He ended up with 19 MVP votes in both 1984 and 1985. He was fat, and he wore glasses. So here's to you, Steve. Bye-bye, Balboni. We'll be back in just a second. Can I rejoin the show?

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. That was a great show. A lot of fun. We're amazing. Who's more amazing, me or you? Trick question.

The answer is us. Nice. That's about to take a stance, too. Great action items. An unpopular one. We got some good action items this week, Jordan. Okay. An unpopular one?

You mean me? Yes, I was going to pick you. Everyone hates me. I was going to go out on a limb. Everyone loves Jordan and hates Jesse. It's a well-established fact. You understand it, right? Absolutely. You're dramatically more lovable than I am. Come on. I'm always doing stuff. I'm always responsible

for keeping things moving, talking about the important stuff. Baseball players. Sure. New Bunny Day. Okay, so we got some really awesome action items on this week's program. Number one, it's the holidays. What's your worst holiday memory that you can look back at and laugh at?

We're looking for great holiday memories, and we're going to run them throughout the holiday season. If I get some really good ones, I might even run them on the San Diego America Christmas special. But give us a call, 206-984-4FUN. Great pranks of which you have been the victim or a non-initiating subject of, 206-984-4FUN.

There's one more thing, Jordan. Look in people's pockets. Are you still doing that? No, we're done with looking in people's pockets. Unless you look in somebody really good's pockets. I feel like paul f tompkins is about as good as it gets right right that's pretty great yeah you know maybe if you uh maybe if you dig up a body and go through the pockets of somebody famous that has died yeah that would be really good who's that guy who was on law and order jerry orbach yeah if you can dig up Orbach's corpse and look through his pockets.

Oh, Jordan! Ted Turner. That's the third thing. There you go. Ted Turner, pro or con? Should we bring him into the fold or initiate jihad? 206-9844-FUN is the number to call. You can also always email us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org.

Of course, the continuing action items continue to be in effect. If you have a personal dispute that you'd like adjudicated by Judge John Hodgman, if you've got something going on in your life and you need some advice, you'd like to ask Juanita. If you have a personal question for myself

or Jordan, 206-984-4FUN. Before we go, two quick URLs for people to check out. If you're interested in Trey Hamburger and his book, Ghosts slash Aliens, ghostsaliens.net is the website to visit.

Ghostsaliens.net. And also, this listener called Hampton lives, I believe, in Toronto, Canada, has put together a very amazing website. We had nothing to do with this. My only involvement in it was he emailed me to say could he use the logo on it. And I said, of course. JJgo.org.

Here's what they're doing. They're indexing Jordan Jesse Go. So let's say you want to hear what episodes have had Would You Rather on them. Click, click, click, click, click, find out. You want to know on what episodes have we discussed MyCokeRewards.com. Click, click, click, click, click, you find out. It's an amazing website. Yes.

And he's building it out, too. And it's a way for Jesse and i to have a place that we can go on the internet to uh to realize how repetitive we've become so if and of course it's like you know it's like wiki style or whatever you know it's tagging yeah you can web 2.0 type deal so uh and i just said web 2.0 which is one of the things so click that into the website for this episode so if you're listening to an old episode, you want to help other people out, you know, you go and then click it on there and type it and what have you.

Anyway, eventually it spits out a Mobisode. Sure. As I understand it. You can also write joke bios of us. And of course we want to thank The Free Design for our theme music, which is Love You by The Free Design. Makes a wonderful

holiday gift. Kites are fun. The best of the Free Design. I would say. There's nobody who's not going to enjoy that. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Nas. Nas probably wouldn't like it. Yeah. He's kind of... He's been in pill lately. He's already got everything anyway. He's so fucking rich. Fuck that guy, you know? Yeah.

I hate getting presents for Nas. It's the hassle of my life. Yeah, really. He just makes a smirk like, well, you know, thanks. That's really, you know, he'll call things cute. He's just condescending about it. He doesn't get me anything. Mm-hmm. That's what's weird about it.

Yeah. He's the one who's so fucking rich. He's the one who sold one of the diamonds in that giant fucking cross around your neck, Nas. You can buy me anything you want. Nah, he just got me an iTunes gift card. It seemed like real impersonal. It seems like he just got a bunch of them.

It was like a $10 one, too, right? Yeah, too. It might have even been like a freebie that he got. Oh. Just from being a mute. And he's like, yeah, it seemed a little re-gifted to me. I don't know. I'm done with that guy.

Fuck Naz. Okay, we'll talk to you next week on Jordan, Jesse, go.