Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 83: Hadrosaur Cove

Episode Date: December 8, 2008

Guest Paul Scheer (Human Giant, Best Week Ever, 30 Rock) joins Jesse and Jordan to discuss pranks, Ted Turner, the rough tongue of the hadrosaur, and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is Jordan, Jesse, Go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, nanny, twiddle, dum learn who among me, Jordan, and Paul Scheer has high-quality, old-fashioned values. Plus extensive discussion of Ladies Home Journal and much, much more. Let's go.

It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. With us this week, an exceptional guest, Jordan. Jordan, we've had a lot of great guests on the show. Sure. We had celebrity author Nick Hornby recently. Right. He was a delight.

Taught us all about Chelsea football. Funny accent. Very funny accent. Very funny accent. I mean, he could have been, you know, CCH Pounder, South African actress CCH Pounder. And this was a great accent. He could have been NPR Africa correspondent Ophabia Quist-Arkton with his funny accent. But this is something I think even more exciting.

What do you say? Don't you feel like this is one of the most exciting guests we've ever had on the program in history? Yeah. Okay. Paul Scheer from television's The Human Giant. You may have seen it on the Music Television Network. Yes.

You might have enjoyed him on various other television programs where he offers his wit and wisdom on the subject of contemporary popular culture. Sometimes. Paul, welcome to Jordan, Jesse, and Bill. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. It's a lot of fun to have you, Paul. Well, I'm pleased to be here. Pleased as punch. Is there an occasion for you coming in? Are you promoting something specific? I'm just here to hang out.

You know, Jesse and I have been trying to do this for a while. We've missed pass numerous times. In the crossing pass, ships passing in the night. Sure, sure. I mean, not that this is a legitimate place to promote anything. I shouldn't give that illusion. I am also here to talk about Benjamin Button. So I am trying to do a push.

Big Oscar push. Yeah, award season. Now, we should be... Jordan, I think it's important to note that Paul is... While Paul is an actor, and an accomplished actor who's appeared in many films, Benjamin Button, I don't think, is one of the films that you've appeared in.

And have you been contracted to uh promote benjamin i'm trying to get the word out there on a very street level grassroots trying to get people to just find out about this get ask questions like pass out stickers in front of the in front of shows and that kind of thing you know what i've been doing a lot is uh i make these um kind of lost and found uh things that i put on like polls and stuff, like telephone polls. Sure. And I'll be like, you know, missing a button, you know, and people are like, oh, what's

that? And they go pull it and it's a website for Benjamin Button and people go check it out or I'll sit in a parking lot and I'll just talk about my friend Benjamin Button really loudly. Get people talking like, oh, who is he talking about? They'll go research it. They'll Google it. You know, like some of the stuff that was happening for The Dark Knight.

Exactly. Like scavenger hunts. Exactly. But the only difference is the studio has not contacted me to do any of this sort of stuff. This is me doing a lot of freelance stuff. So you've seen the movie then? You've seen like an advanced screening then? Of the –

Benjamin Button? No. I haven't seen – this is the thing though. I have not. But that's, I think, part of the thing, because has anyone? So if I go see the movie and I start promoting it, then I have inside knowledge about the movie. Then it's sort of like you're a media elite. Yeah, I don't like that.

I want to be on the same level as the people I'm appealing to. Right now, people are, what is that? I don't know what it is either. So now we're all in that journey together. Right. So what, I mean, I guess if you haven't seen it, I guess you could do

this for any, there's a number of movies out there making award pushes. Why specifically Benjamin Button? I like the people in it. I like the people in Benjamin Button.

I mean, it's got a, like, Benjamin Button. He's in it, yeah. And then that other, yeah, there's a lot of good people in it. Yeah, and then that other... Yeah, there's a lot of good people in it. A lot of good people. A lot of good people.

You know, as I understand it, and I don't know, you seem to have a lot of insight into this film. Sure. It's about sort of reverse aging. What? Have you looked at... What?

It's about a guy who is, I think, born as an old man and lives his life, essentially. I thought, I'm sorry. Well, I thought it didn't... You look kind of offended. Yeah, well, no, I didn't know it was a... It's not about a button?

Like a Pixar movie about a button? No. No, no. I don't think that is a movie, what you're describing. It seems like. I mean, it's a curious case of Benjamin Button. You know, it's like... Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium. Now, that's a movie, what you're describing. It seems like. I mean, it's a curious case of Benjamin Button. Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium. Now that's a movie.

No, actually, I think this is a classic literary adaptation. A Faulkner short story, I think. Something like that. Not a Faulkner. Something. Gosh darn it. It's about a man D.H. Lawrence or something like that. One of those.

One of those types. I thought it was a Pixar movie. I'm trying to get in good with Pixar. I want to do voices on Pixar movies. So I'm trying to. So, wow, this is really sucks. I don't know. I kind of.

This really sucks now. I don't know. I feel a little bit. I'm messed up. I feel a little weird. But yeah, I really like this. Who is BB t-shirt you made me. Thank you.

And I think it looks good. Thanks. I mean, you know. Wouldn't that be a movie? Who wants to see that movie? Reverse Aging. That sounds like an infomercial. Or about a cute button who goes on this adventure.

I imagine it was a button. I'm not comfortable with this. What? I thought, we're here sitting here talking about it. This is my show. Yeah. You know, I'm the Jesse in Jordan, Jesse Go. Yeah.

This is my platform that I've given you. I thought that you were promoting this movie out of a sincere interest in the content of the movie when actually, come to find out, look out, blindsided, ulterior motive. You're just looking for voice work. Well, what, I mean. Hey, Paul, you know who would be funny to play the voice of the button? Who? Ted Danson. Amazing. Wouldn't it be funny

if the button was played by Ted Danson? And then he had a little needle and thread friend and, I don't know, Chloe Sevigny? She's like, what's going on, buddy? You know what? I think that would be fantastic. And you get the tailor. You get a tailor played by a good actor like David Pamer.

Let's bring back David Pamer in the world of voices. And a little gravitas. Classically trained gravitas. Look, I have two things. How many listeners do you have? Just two things. Number one, if this was a movie, I think I would make a good thimble.

Number two, this is bullshit. Let's pretty good. If this was a movie, I think I would make a good thimble. Number two, this is bullshit. Let's hear it. Put, uh, uh, put, uh... Say, put my finger up your butt. Put your finger up my butt. Put it, you know, I'll protect your finger from, uh,

you put the needle through the thimble, I think. Alright, we'll get back to you. Okay. Well, do you know... You will be playing the felt. That thimble, I think. All right, we'll get back to you. Okay. You will be playing the felt. That's the final word on that. Felt. Your cast is felt.

Oh, thank you. You have one line. It's put your finger in my butt. I'm felt. Yeah. Don't worry about it. It's going to be classy. Do you need me to try doing it?

I thought you did. You want to do it? Do it again. thought you did. You want to do it? Do it again. You felt. I forgot what... Tell me the line again. Put your finger in my butt. Put your finger in my butt. I'm filming.

We have a lot of people out here to see today. We have a lot of people to talk to. Hey, guys. Okay. No, don't ad-lib. Don't ad-lib. That's why we get Robin Williams in here. Put your fingers.

The script is perfect at... No. Put your finger in my butt. This is a perfect script. Put your finger in my... You know what? I don't even need it. I don't need it.

I'm not interested. We got Johnny Depp to do it. Yeah. The script is by Alexander Payne, Jesse. Alexander Payne wrote this script. Yeah. The script is by Alexander Payne, Jesse. Alexander Payne wrote this script. Yeah. Guess what? Don't fucking ad-lib it up, Paul Rudd.

Andy Kaufman isn't dead. He's been waiting to do this movie as a voice actor. And that was the big announcement. And now I had to spoil it because you just sank the show because you couldn't talk about the one line that you had. That's right, America. Andy Kaufman is coming back for this movie. line that you had. That's right, America. Andy Kaufman is coming back for this movie.

Well, good luck with your button movie, assholes. Thank you. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love want to pressure you. Okay. Look, you're friends with Harold Ramis. I was going to say junior Bible salesman. That was what was in my head. Junior Bible salesman. I haven't quite made it up to have my own route. Okay.

I was going to say, do you sell tiny Bibles? Ooh, maybe I do. I'm going to be that. I'm going to be that instead. A junior Bible salesman. Okay. Well, let's go for it. Let's do it.

I'm on it. I enjoy it. It's fun. Okay, well, let's go for it. Let's do it. I'm on it. I enjoy it. It's fun. Okay, so we had a lot of action items last week, Jordan. After about two months of basically not having any action items at all, we had some really juicy action items and have had some fantastic calls on them. One of them was, you may remember, Jordan, last year that we had this worst holiday experience action item, where we asked our listeners, Paul, to call in and share their worst holiday experience that they can now laugh at. Because we had to add that a couple weeks in. Like two weeks in, some people were calling us up with something really really really horrible and sad

that we couldn't play on the air and make fun of yeah yeah um and so we had to clarify that you can laugh at now yeah that's always that that's always a a good thing you know someone got abandoned on a stoop when they were four on christmas day or something you know that kind of thing yeah like okay so um uh we got a couple of worst holiday stories, starting with our friend. He may have changed his name on the forum, Jordan, but I will forever know him as Weird Al Lover. Hey, JJ Goh, this is John from St. Cloud. I kind of got a holiday memory here. It's this last holiday that we experienced, Thanksgiving.

And this is something I was embarrassed about at the time, but now I can laugh about it. I was at my grandparents' house, and upon my grandfather realizing I have a girlfriend, decided to pull out of his desk, without much trouble at all, a packet of Horizon Prime condoms that appear to be from the 1970s. Jordan and Jesse. He just pulled, whipped out some condoms. Horizon Prime condoms? Yeah, Horizon Prime.

That was the brand. Grandpa did not hesitate. That's the best part. I love it. Did not hesitate. Went to the desk, which is where he keeps his condoms. Which is also indicative of, yeah.

Because fucking is his business. I was going to say, that also makes me think, what's his sexual experience like if he has to keep him in the desk? Spent a lot of people over that desk. Oh my goodness. He fucks a lot of accountants. You know, I think most of the best holiday stories involve grandpas,

which is also why I liked this other one. Jordan and Jesse, a prank that was pulled on me. I was about seven years old. My stepfather goes out to get the mail. Comes back with a package. Oh, there's a package for you. The return address said The White House, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. I was dumbfounded. I cracked it open. Inside was a petrified hot dog. And my stepfather laughing until he almost wet his pants.

Oh, it was his stepfather. I always heard it originally. Was the hot dog so scared? A petrified hot dog? Yeah, it was a very fearful hot dog. Why are you opening me? Are you going to eat me? Wait, is that like a...

I would imagine it looks like a stalagmite or a stalactite. Is that how you imagine it would look, Paul? I mean, that's the only way that... I mean, like a petrified forest is... You can really only understand things in the context of spelunking, is what you're trying to say. Well, basically, that's my background. That's what I know.

And if you guys ever took me up on my offer to go to house cabins... Paul, imagine you have a carabiner okay yes now i got you um a petrified hot dog yeah he sent him a present from the hot from from the white house and it was just a hot dog and a box seems like a real complicated joke yeah i don't even know what it means that's my favorite part about the whole thing that's an odd an odd stepfather that is not making friends i like that one yeah i like that one because it ties together the pranks and uh and the holidays to get a what was the holiday aspect of that oh it was a gift i think it was a gift i think it was a christmas because it was a christmas gift from the white house but i'm still unsure about what the prank was. Exactly. The prank is momentary confusion followed by frustration.

I don't know. Sometimes people make a mistake on the holidays, make a decision that isn't their best. This caller made a very poor decision in that regard. But he learned a lesson from it, I think. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Go. This is Steve from Dallas with Worst Holiday Ever. Thanksgiving 1995, I decided to go on a classic bender

and proceeded to drink two entire bottles of whiskey. When I woke up, I was in Los Angeles. I live in Dallas, and I woke up, I was in Los Angeles. I live in Dallas. And I woke up, I was in Los Angeles next to a burning tree. And the police were kind enough to take me to jail where I could not remember various details of my persona. So they put me in the psych ward. And on Thanksgiving Day, I was sharing a cell with three corpulent gentlemen who asked me what I was in for. And I said, well, I'm not exactly sure, but what are you guys in for? And the first guy looked me in the eye and he said, murder. Second guy said,

murder. And the third guy looked at me and said, I'm on drugs. So I was, um, I was expecting it to go really bad. Right. But they were the nicest guys. Like on Thanksgiving day, we all like sat around and talked about what our favorite foods were and everything. And like, um, you know, we just kind of hung out. So, uh, long story short, I got out, uh, shortly after that. So long story short I got out shortly after that And I really appreciate Thanksgiving And I don't pass judgment on murderers

So take it easy, bye There you go, he doesn't pass judgment On murderers Just because somebody has murdered Doesn't mean they've got something wrong with that I will tell you A lot of it has to do about specifics Murdering

And then secondly If you get that one out of you, that may be it. That may be what has been blocking you up. Yeah. It's like, you know, sometimes it's like if you, like, let's say you take a troubled youth, you take them on an outward bound, they complete a ropes course. Yeah. Once they've completed that ropes course, they can they can identify a challenge uh plan yes for the challenge execute yes so to speak and then uh they know that they can they can meet their dreams so

in this case the execution was you know probably more literal but everything else remains the same so you're really these people just were just learning to realize their dreams. You know, and yeah, I think, first of all, I thank you for using Rope's Course, because that is close to spelunking, and I understood that. Yeah. It involves a harness. Yeah. Yeah. I also want to just put... Paul, let me ask you a quick question.

Am I on belay? Yeah, you're on belay. Okay. Go ahead. I was going to say, there is an important... Did you have a bidet joke you were going to make? I was trying to cook one up, but it didn't happen. There is one important lesson there, which is if you are ever in prison and someone asks

you what you're in prison for, just say murder. Yeah. You know, why set yourself up for... Yeah, murder. Murder is always the answer i guess i don't know yeah is there i guess the only concern would be that maybe a murder would have a murderer would have some sort of thing where they want to murder another murderer like is it like because that's the ultimate murder yes or like just like oh maybe they don't want more than one murderer like they want to be the only one in the thing.

Kind of like Dexter. Yes. Dexter likes to murder. He's a murderer who murders murderers. Yeah. From what I understand. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's probably a good strategy.

We're talking about the book, Dexter, right? Yeah. Okay, good. Yeah. So what you're saying, Jordan, is that you think they would be sort of, that in itself could be perceived as a challenge. Right, yeah, exactly. Yes, yes. So really, ultimately, the real thing that you should be careful not to say is, I'm an un-murderable murderer.

Yes. You don't want to sit the bar like that. I'm the world's greatest murderer. Yeah. Okay, well, one more holiday-related item. Of course, if you have a horrible holiday story, 206-984-4FUN is the number to call. 206-984-4FUN.

I'd also actually just like to hear from this guy how he got to L.A. Like, what, like, bus? Well, because there is a point where he would have had to have stopped drinking if it was via flying, definitely. Wasn't there a time that big time Geno Neal's uncle called his family reunion to say that he was in jail in Mexico and he wasn't sure how he got there from Chicago? Wow.

Yeah. I love that. Yeah, it's like you have to be drunk enough not to remember But sober enough to arrange travel Yeah, and that's the tricky part It's what we call the sweet spot In spelunking, it's like a really great cave you find Yeah, yeah, I know With a crystal bat

Well, crystal bats are very rare There is a positive side to the holidays, though. That is holiday cookies and specifically our holiday contest. Now, Paul, for your information, here's what's been going on in the holiday contest. I've challenged people to capture the spirit of the holidays in a documentable act, act of creation particularly, creativity. act, act of creation particularly, creativity. Jeremy and Meredith, they live, I believe, in Nevada City, California.

Apparently, they have baked 50 dozen cookies. 50 dozen? Yes, that's 600 cookies, Paul. Yikes. And not only did they send us a bag of cookies, which we will consume as soon as this segment is over, but it contained numerous cookies which I was not even aware were a kind of cookie. For example, a cookie that's like a peppermint spiral. It's like a starlight mint in cookie form. Ooh. How do you like that? Try that on for a size. I don't love a minty sweet.

I mean, it sounds fucking amazing and thank you for sending them, but I don't want to eat it. Now, here's the thing. I'd try a bite of it and probably put it in a napkin and then toss it. Here's the thing, you guys.

If that's all that they did, that would be remarkable. And just so you know, Paul, I'm giving out $100 as I see fit through the course of this. Multiple $100? No, just $100 that I'm parceling out as I see fit through the course of this... Multiple $100? No, just $100 that I'm parceling out

as I see fit. So he gave $15 to the guy who had a family apple butter day with apple butter t-shirts and everyone in the family gathered around a cauldron to make apple butter starting at 4 o'clock in the morning. Only $15. And he sent us some of the... Well, look! Some crazy shit

is going down. I've loaded up Only 15. And he sent us some of the... Well, look. Some crazy shit is going down. Okay. Like, I am... I'm looking at the... I've loaded up the Maximum Fun blog right here, and I'm going to turn the monitor your way, guys. Check out this fucking amazing cookie-baking movie that Jeremy and Meredith made of the cookies. Are these the cookies that...

These cookies that we're seeing on screen, are these the ones we're getting? They're the ones that we're going to be consuming in only moments. Shit, man. So I gave them the highest award in the history of the holiday contest. $20

American. I had my bank send them a check. Boom! Look at this. This is an amazing video. This is like a Sesame Street caliber. It's truly spectacular. Check out how shit works kind of video. Yeah, this is some sort of...

It's truly spectacular. I said to them, you know, great cookies, but why haven't you posted anything about it on the message board? And then guess what they did promptly thereafter? They post this fucking amazing video. That's amazing. So there's a link to it. There's a link to it there. I'm also going to, something that I was impressed by, but slightly less impressed by, was a guy on the

board named Zach. He made liqueurs by taking this budget brand vodka and infusing it with various concoctions of herbs and spices. And he did a great job. He took pictures all along the way. So here he is. We're looking at the message board. We can see him using a mortar and pestle on some caraway seeds.

We can see him here. I mean, this is really... This is like Oprah stuff right here. He's got some rose petals. Some rose petals, something. He also wore his Sound of Young America t-shirt while he did it for the purposes of documentation.

I'm giving... I'm issuing $10 to Zach. Zach, email me your... Email me your mailing address, your proper mailing address. We'll cut you a check. I'm cutting checks, Jordan. Wow, I love it.

I am cutting checks. They come directly from my bank, so you get that check in the mail. But now I will ask you, and this is nothing against this gentleman who looks like a fine man, but if I see that man walking down the street with his jugs of liquor, I'm not going to want to have a sip. Because look at that bottom jug. Go down to the bottom and you'll see... Okay, I'm scrolling down to the bottom

here. You'll see those two jugs that are just there on the floor. Right. I don't know if I want to drink out of that. He's going to strain them, I think. Okay. Number one, he's straining them, and number two, if it's me, I feel comforted by the fact that he's documented

the whole thing so thoroughly. That's true. You see what I'm saying? Yeah, there's a step you don't see where he's adding the poison. That's exactly how poison people think. I'm just going to leave out that picture. I'm going to take the picture.

I'm not going to post it to my Flickr set. He definitely has that picture. Anyway, there's still $55 left in the pot for something that's going to totally blow me away. And remember, I've made some deductions here. Some of these things feel like something they might have been doing anyway. The really big bonuses are coming for people who are doing something that's obviously exclusively. They have taken the challenge and decided to step it up. I'll tell you the thing that I'm interested in.

This is nothing about making things, but the thing that I'm obsessed with in the holiday season is any Hulk-related merchandise. Okay. And I have two. Like the Hulk basher hands? Is that what you're talking about? No, no, no. Hulk in the spirit of Christmas. And right now I have a stocking hanging on my door and it's hulk

bursting out of the stocking it's a 3d stocking wow he's bursting out and in his hands he's holding candy canes which i love i love that and that's a pretty that's a pretty good one you know because he's he'd have to be gentle with that because those candy canes would break and uh and then there's the other one which is a tree ornament that I have, which is Hulk breaking out of a wall wearing a Santa hat. So I love that for some reason. He's still mindlessly destroying things, but he – He loves Christmas. Yeah.

He really loves Christmas. Any incongruous Hulk Christmas stuff is amazing. I also have a Spider-Man delivering presents. Yeah. I mean, that's less crazy. That's something that Spidey would do. I feel like that's Peter Parker running late to a party. Sure.

I have no problem with that. But Hulk, I have a problem. I love it. I have issues. Wow. You know, sometimes Hulk give. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Paul Scheer. Jordan, there was a discussion on the message board recently, the Maximum Fun board. The subject was, we're not doing our recurring segments enough. I thought you were going to reference where to get great Black Friday shopping deals.

Oh, that's true. There was a good thread on the message board. There was a good one. And then Cyber Monday. Cyber Monday was what I was looking forward to, yeah. Yeah, it was a disappointment. I found Cyber Monday to be a disappointment. I woke up at 4 o'clock in the morning and sat by my computer waiting for my computer to open.

Tell me about it. So anyway, here's the thing, Jordan. tell me about it so anyway i here's the thing jordan i'm not gonna i'm not gonna just because they're outside the palace protesting doesn't mean i'm gonna do what they say you see what i'm saying here jordan just because they want more recurring segments this is not a democracy no this is a this i would say this is a theocracy and we are the gods. Yeah. So, however... God presidents. God hyphen presidents. It did remind me that I missed our friend Jim. And so, without further ado,

Jordan, there are many difficult conundra in our lives. Situations where we don't know exactly what to do. Situations where we don't know exactly what to do. Situations where we must take careful consideration of the choices before us and select a choice, and then we can only hope that we made the correct selection. The colloquial fork in the road, I think you're describing. Exactly. Now, luckily for us, there is one man in this world who not only knows the questions, but also knows the answers. That man is Jim Rayow, the master of Would You Rather. Now, Paul, you've never played Would You Rather with us before. No, I have not. So I'm going to

give you just sort of a quick overview of what's going to happen. Jim will present us with two options. They may be intrinsically related. They may be unrelated. Each of us will discuss the relevant considerations and make a selection. We'll choose what we think is the best path given those two options. Do we have to agree as a group or individuals? Each of us can make our own selection, and if you have any questions about various

ramifications, iterations, etc., etc., you can ask Jim Rayall, the master of Would You Rather. He's more than happy to provide clarifications for you. So he's researched the two options. It's more than happy to provide clarifications for you. So he's researched the two options. It's more just an instinctual thing. All right. I'm ready. I've played this game, but not to such a serious degree.

It's daunting. And the really special thing, as opposed to just playing something like this at home, is because Jim is the master of Would You Rather, once we've all cast our lot, Jim will let us know who was correct and who was incorrect. Perfect. Jim, first of all, welcome back to Jordan, Jesse Goh. It's great to have you on the show again. Thanks, Jesse. It's great to be back.

And I always love your very thorough, robust intros. It's all I do on the show, Jim. My whole role is expository. Jim, what's this week's Would You Rather? You guys ready? I'm ready. I'm ready. Would you rather be the world's number one most loved dad or mom?

Or, in our case, it would be dad. Most loved parent. Right. Be the world's number one most loved parent. So let's say if you got one of those mugs, it would be a literal statement of fact. Or T-shirt. Right.

Or bumper sticker. Right. Or visit the real Jurassic Park. Holy moly. Holy mackerel. That's a tough one. I think, I mean, I think, let's just get down to the brass tacks, shall we? Is this a successful visit to Jurassic Park, or is this a calamitous visit to Jurassic Park, as they sometimes are?

This is a no guarantees visit to Jurassic Park. Let me throw something out at you. One would think, in a world where Jurassic Park and this successful dad live, that if you were that successful at being a dad, you might get an invitation to come to Jurassic Park. No, no, no, no, no. These are two separate worlds. Okay.

You can only choose one or the other. All right, so these are two different universes. But I mean, the children of the world's greatest dad, if they want to go to Jurassic Park, he finds a way. Right. Even through time and space. Right. Yeah, even through some sort of portal.

But I will believe that these are two separate universes. Yeah. All right, that's important. Because there is no real Jurassic Park unless Jim makes it happen. I think it's ultimately what we're looking at. It's a movie. Is Richard Attenborough at that Jurassic Park playing his character from the movie? No, this is not the movie.

So when you say this is not the movie, so this isn't also additionally a chance to meet, say, Newman from Seinfeld, or Sam Jackson. The lovely Laura Dern. No, no, it's not. You're going to meet actual scientists and

dinosaurs. I'm already saying right now, the deal has been kind of... That upsets me. When I think of Jurassic Park, I want to see the logos. I want to see all the stuff that I've seen from the movie. Now, is this... In the movie, if I'm not mistaken,

and you guys can correct my memory, in the movie and books, I don't think Jurassic Park ever quite gets off the ground. It's never been open to the public. Right. I think until the third movie or something. Okay, so... I re-watched the third movie recently.

They just kind of go to the remnants of the failed Jurassic Park. Okay. And look for a lost boy. So, Jim, when we get to... They should go to Never Never Land if they're looking for a lost boy. Hey!

When we get to the real Jurassic Park, is it welcoming visitors, or are we visiting something, as Jordan described, like in Jurassic Park 3, where it's just a regular jungle with raptors no it's it's it's it's not like it's not like in the movie where you're going to this theme park that's in its infantile stage and they're and they're you know just getting the electric fences to work uh... this is this is uh... operational but it's it's it's it's still not really known to the to the masses uh... so it's it's not it's not common knowledge that this exists it it it it may not be uh... but it's it's uh, but I would say that there'd be, you know, you wouldn't have to be concerned about the basic security,

but it's still, it's not like a regular theme park where everything is a well-oiled machine. I have a question. How many people have died at this park? If any. No visitors. Oh, so we are still the first visitors,

but security is at... See, that's the same problem with the original Jurassic Park. They thought security was at an all-time high. Spared no expense, I think, was... That's what they were promised. I want to look a little bit at this dad scenario. Here's my question about world's greatest dad.

Am I married, because I don't think I'm ready to settle down, but if I could be the world's greatest single dad, that could lead to a lot of pussy. Just get interviewed on Ellen DeGeneres, take my pick of the audience. There's nothing in this about being married or single, Jordan. Okay.

They're both very possible options. You're an amazing dad. Does that mean that you have limitless money like the father on Silver Spoons? No, no. That does not equal good dad having a lot of money. Yeah, Paul. Get your fucking... Well, that dad was a very good dad.

I just want to see what kind of father... So you are a middle class dad. You know what we just learned? We just learned that Paul has some seriously fucked up values. Yeah. Paul is prioritizing a train that you can ride on top of like a horse. Yes. Over, say, playing catch with the old man.

I guarantee you that kid with the train will grow up with much better memories than some stupid ball and a leather mitt. Go back to the Depression. That's where we had balls and leather mitts. Come on. I want trains and video games and a kitchen that looked like a haunted house. In my opinion, the only thing a dad should provide for his child is a hoop and a stick. Maybe some tiddly winks? A bit of gingham after dinner?

So what, I guess I'm, so you're the world's greatest dad, which means that all you have ultimately is the knowledge knowing that whenever you see a father, you have bested him. No, there's more to it. You have a little upper hand. What is more to it? Tell me what is more to it. Okay, well, there's the basic things, like having the most love and adoration from your children and family.

But it's also as judged by sort of an international committee that makes this decision. So you are recognized as the number one dad. It's the world's best dad. Archbishop Desmond Tutu, I think, is on that committee. Ariel Sharon. Not a good dad. Yeah, but I think that would get confusing, because the U.S. standards of a good dad are one thing,

but, you know, the Dominican Republic has totally different standards. standards of a good dad are one thing, but, you know, the Dominican Republic has totally different standards for what makes a good dad. Well, there's, so it's... I don't want the Pope weighing in on how I should parent, but if this is this international committee, you know... Well, yeah, you're going to have a guy from, you know, say, Georgia, telling you, you know, that you're not a good dad because maybe you don't stand on lines enough. I don't know what happens in Georgia.

I assume that there's lines. There's a lot more shellfish. Exactly. In the dadding, the parenting. Okay. Again, I think I'm ready. Really? That's fast. I think I am ready as well.

Wow, okay. Okay. Let's ask our guest first. Paul, what's your choice and why? Well, at first, I was not excited about this Jurassic Park option at all. But then the more I heard about the dad, the more I felt like it was just something that was just a title thrown upon someone. And that's why... title thrown upon someone. Purely ceremonial.

Exactly. That's why there's a proliferation of these mugs and t-shirts. So I'm going to pick the life-changing adventure of Jurassic Park. Granted, it doesn't have the cool things that I want from the movie, but I'm going to see the dinosaurs. Now, have you thought about what you're going to bring to Jurassic Park, for example? Yes, I have. Dinosaur gun? I'm going to bring a flashlight, a dinosaur gun, and a cup

of water, so I can put that down at any point and just make sure there's no tyrannosaurs. A.K.A. dinosaur detector. Yeah, exactly. You don't need no fancy dino GPS. Just put a simple cup of water down. And I might ask my friend Vince Vaughn to come and accompany me

because he has traversed at least in the film world. Right. Maybe he would hang out with me if I asked him. Fair enough. And he's big. He's bigger than a dinosaur.

He's a tall dude. A big giant dude. Might be descendant of a velociraptor. Jordan, what do you think? That velociraptor is lean and swift. Vince Vaughn is goofy. Well, I think what happens is he has become... You guys are just talking about dinosaurs.

I think the evidence that Vince Vaughn isn't a velociraptor is he works poorly in groups. Also, he has a hard time opening doors with his fat sausage fist. Okay, Jordan. Yeah. Wait, who is in Four Christmases? That's a velociraptor in Reese Witherspoon, right? Or is that Vince Vaughn? It's actually two velociraptors.

See, that's two, yeah, that's who plays Vince Vaughn, two velociraptors working in tandem. That's why they're bulky. That's why he's bulky and weird. That's why he has two tails as well. Okay, Jordan. That's why he's bulky and weird. That's why he has two tails as well. Yeah, my boyish love of dinosaurs wins out. I mean, as much as being a successful parent is like a goal of mine, yeah, I'm going to say Jurassic Park, especially if there's a hadrosaur petting zoo area where I could pet a hadrosaur.

What's a hadrosaur? especially if there's a hadrosaur petting zoo area where I could pet a hadrosaur. What's a hadrosaur? They're like kind of a plant-eating dinosaur who is on land and then can also kind of go in the water for various tasks. Hey, Jesse, do yourself a favor. Go over to Universal Studios and ride the Jurassic Park ride

because you'll go to Hadrosaur Cove. You'll get to see them bathing. But every time I've gone there, the ride has malfunctioned in a terrible way and i i don't even want to get into it but i've never gotten to see the full ride i hope one day to see the full ride right um well guys i hate to be the lone voice of dissent here i mean maybe maybe ultimately what this is about is i just have a greater capacity for love than you guys do. I'm a little bit more mature than you

guys are. Ultimately, maybe it's just about what we were talking about earlier, which is having really strong values. Let me say one thing to you before you lock in your decision, because I feel like I know where you're leaning. Who's the cooler dad?

The dad who went to Jurassic Park or the dad who didn't go to jurassic park yeah so think about that we would best you when we have kids to be like we went to jurassic park sure he's internationally recognized as the world's greatest dad but we had an adventure of a lifetime no because they've had felt the rough tongue of the hadrosaur on their cheek we reached reached in to try Ceratops poo and checked it out and made sure it was healthy. You checked the poo to make sure it was healthy? That's what they did in the first Jurassic Park. I don't remember that. Miss Laura Dern and her rubber glove.

I saw the first Jurassic Park at the new Mission Theater in San Francisco on Mission Street. It was a Spanish language theater. But it was the only movie Theater in San Francisco on Mission Street. It's a Spanish-language theater. But it was the only movie theater in my neighborhood. It was plenty Jurassic Park. I wanted to see Jurassic Park. I was about 10 or 11. I'd read the book and really liked it when I was 9 or whatever it was, however old I was.

Went to see it in Spanish. They used an amazing sound technique that I have yet to hear equaled, which is they had the same speakers that had been in the theater since the 60s, but they turned them up much higher than they should have been.

Jurassic Park in Spanish, it was with subtitles. It was in English with subtitles. It just kind of sounds like this. That's what it sounds like. Hey, don't make fun of Miss Laura Dern. She's classically trained, Jesse. So anyway, I guess my experience with my dog, Coco, who I love very much,

and just that great feeling of having someone that really loves you and looks up to you and respects you. I mean, I think Coco respects me. A hadrosaur looks up to you when you're feeding it a handful of seaweed. Yeah. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, like, really, I can't think of a better thing in the world

to be than the world's number one dad i really love dads and uh doing dad stuff and i really you know recently i went home for the holidays spent some time with my dad and and my father-in-law both of whom are um really amazing dads especially my my father-in-law is just unbelievable dad um and uh it made me it really inspired me to grow up to be a great dad. So, uh, I, I'm choosing world's best dad, but ultimately, you know, it's not my decision. So, uh, Jim Royale, the master of Would You Rather, who was correct and who was incorrect? Well, I'm, I'm, uh, I'm a little bit, uh, disappointed at, at how, uh, easily, uh, Jordan and Paul were lured by

the pan flute playing dinosaurs. But yeah, the correct response is Jesse's world's number one most loved dad. It would be selfish and downright dangerous to put dinosaurs in front of the happiness of your family.

Yeah. All right. Sorry, gentlemen. It looks like I am the champion. And you know why I won? Because of my high-quality values. Well, that's relative, Jesse. Yeah.

Why don't you guys go back to San Francisco and marry some queers? Oh, well, Jim, as always, it was such a joy and a pleasure to have you on Jordan, Jesse, Go. We'll talk to you next time, huh, buddy? Thanks, guys. See you later. See ya. Jim Ray Al, the master of Would You Rather. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Paul Scheer, junior Bible salesman. Paul, you're a fun guy. Everyone agrees. Thank you. Jordan, would you agree with that? Yeah, sure.

I agree with it, so everyone agrees. It's a party when Paul's around. Are you the kind of guy... He's like the Hulk of guys. Always carrying candy canes. Might have to get out of the stocking. Who do you think... He also doesn't come... He doesn't come out of the top of the stocking.

He comes out of the center. So as if someone has shoved him into a stocking. Who do you think put him into a stock. Who do you think put him into the stock? I don't know, but someone would have to be very powerful to make him fit.

You think it was Magneto? Ant-Man. Ant-Man put him into the stock. Mr. Mitzopitalik. Is that who put him in there? Say his name three times and go back home.

Hawkman. That's from the DC universe, Jesse. Yeah, come on. Hawkman and Hulk don't exist in the same universe. Get with it. Jordan, I want to point out, you know, last week on the show we had this Jordan. Jordan was wrong because you claimed that Dinah was Wonder Woman's alter ego, her real-life alter ego on the island of the Amazon. You're right. I am no...

You were absolutely incorrect. And not only were you incorrect, but a thousand new comic book nerds called in to let us know that Dinah is actually the alter ego of the Black Canary. Which I don't even know what the Black Canary is. She's a superhero from the DC Universe whose power is loud yelling. Loud yelling? And fishnet tights as well. Fishnet tights is a power?

Mm-hmm. I know a couple of those superheroes in my neighborhood. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Ladies, holla. Holla. What up? Okay, so the reason I was asking if you were a fun guy paul yes

is what are we doing you weren't asking you you had made the i asserted that you were a fun guy because we we taught last week we talked on the show a little bit about pranks we talked about um uh pranks that we had experienced and there's something uh there's something mystical about the prank i especially like the unexplained prank in particular. It's like a good old petrified hot dog. Hot dog from the president. Exactly. So there's a certain kind of talking about

pranks, which is talking about a prank that you pulled that's generally annoying. So we asked people to call in with pranks that had been pulled on them and they still were amused by. So let's start with this one. I like this one because it has that same sense of magical amazement.

And it's also almost a perfect conceptual prank. It's perfect in its both banality and in the fact that it costs someone a fair amount of money. Let's hear it. The best pranks are with that. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Go. This is about the action item,

about pranks that have been played on you. I, like Jesse, don't know exactly who played this prank on me, although because both of my brothers have blamed the other, I think it was a joint effort on their part. A little bit of background is that in my family and among my friends, I'm not known as a very domestic or crafty person. I can cook, but I don't really like to cook.

You know, they kind of joke about how I would live like a bachelor, and I kind of do. They kind of joke about how I would live like a bachelor, and I kind of do. So this happened about five years ago after I graduated from college and moved out on my own. And I was in my own apartment for a couple of months, and I started receiving the ladies' home journal. And I was really confused about that because I did not subscribe to it. And, you know, I received it for three years after that. And in the course of those three years, I changed twice. And each time I moved, the address changed, and I kept receiving it. And everybody I told about that was like, that is such a brilliant prank.

I wish I'd thought of it. So, and then both my brothers said, oh, I heard the other did it. And then both my brothers said, oh, I heard the other did it. I like the thing that, look, it's one thing to send someone who's not handy around the house a subscription to the Ladies Home Journal. It's another thing for it to be a three-year subscription. Multiple addresses. And it's the third thing to send in address change cards on their behalf. Like, you have to... What do you have to do?

You probably go to the dentist's office, find a ladies' home journal, pull out the address change card. So great. That's genius. And to... Yeah, like, just the kind of lazy version of that prank is just to buy one at the drugstore and, like, leave it

in the person's coffee table or something. But yeah, yeah, this... This is a genius prank. There's paperwork involved. Three-year subscription to the Ladies' Home Journal. She probably got to know what parts of the Ladies' Home Journal were her favorite parts. Yeah.

You ready? Yeah, yeah. I would like to hear a follow-up call to that. Did you get anything from subscribing to the Ladies' Home Journal? Because you imagine the first one you looked at, the second one you're like, this is annoying, the third one annoying. But after year two, you're like, well, we'll look at it again.

It hasn't come yet. Yeah, yeah. This next one is, again, it has that magical element in it. It has something, a little something extra that takes it from pedestrian to wonderment. It's a sort of a classic high school prank, Kick to the next level. Let's hear it. Jordan, Jesse, go. The greatest prank I've ever been the observer of is one on the last day of high school. One of my very good friends went to the farm of one of his friends and got three pigs. the farm of one of his friends and got three pigs he painted the numbers one two and four on the pigs and then let them go in the school running wild and everyone was looking for pig number three

but of course it didn't exist oh my god that's amazing that's a great prank they grab one two and four right away. That's great. Because they got a pig wrassler on hand. I like that prank. Do you think he lost his pigs? Do you think they confiscated the pigs? Do you think they kept them and they moved them to the principal's closet? I feel like, I hope that principal did that and then started a whole other class with

pig farming. That'd be good. Yeah. Which incorporated them into the curriculum. Yeah. And he also incorporated a bunch of playboys he confiscated. Into biology class.

Ba-ba-boom. I had a prank one time that I don't know what the payoff was more than my enjoyment of it, which was I had to go to a Target early in the morning and when I was there, I walked down the birthday aisle.

I was like, oh, this is really funny. I'm going to buy all this birthday stuff. And I know I'm going to beat Rob Hubel, who I did Human Giant with. I know I'm going to beat him to the office. So I beat him to the office. This is your Human Giant office. This is our Human Giant office, which Rob and I shared. And I plastered our office with birthday stuff just all over the place like happy birthday

banners and balloons and so he came in and it was this really awkward moment as if i had just thought today was his birthday and i had done this little plan and it was like kind of playing along with it oh he was like faking that it was his birthday oh but i can't believe you remembered and then and then i revealed that it i didn't i knew it wasn't his birthday but i just wanted to put it up and then the whole day people would come in like whose birthday is it no one's but i just enjoy i enjoy just having it just buying too much birthday stuff and just having it up all year round that birthday shit shit's a little expensive, too. Was this like a $200 prank? It was about a $55 prank,

because the Target is reasonable. But it's great to leave birthday stuff up all year round, because as new people come into your office, they assume they've walked into some sort of birthday party. That always keeps it festive. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you. keeps it festive uh we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go okay Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you take on this i have never met the man right i was a fan of when he colorized some movies made it more interesting to me uh i enjoy his uh numerous networks sure and i have been to atlanta you've

always loved the tomahawk chop oh love it i think it's not offensive at all no not even and i am a huge uh fan of uh of uh janeonda, but no longer a fan of her. Right. You were. While they were married. Your biggest period of Jane Fonda fandom ran roughly from 1989 to 1998 or so. Exactly. Now I'm back to calling her Hanoi Jane.

That was her golden era. That was it. That's when she really peaked. Right. Okay. Here's the thing. The Sound of Young America is based at MaximumFun.org. Maximum Fun is a maxim of sorts that we have been using for many years now. Yes. that in Ted Turner's brand new book, Call Me Ted,

he reveals that the unofficial family motto of the Turner family is... Maximum fun. You've got it. So we have... Wow. We have taken this... We are not the type to rush to a rash judgment. So we have decided to take this opportunity to consider whether we should, A, embrace Ted Turner, welcoming him into our big tent.

A TNT to our TBS. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, make him a mascot of sorts, a figurehead, Just as he was in his last years at Time Warner. Right. That's option number one. Option number two is declare a jihad against him. Mm-hmm.

A righteous, angry war against this man who so outrageously stole our catchphrase. It's tough. It's a tough... The initial feelings about that? My gut is jihad. Right. But I feel like you couldn't do that jihad without having a lot of fun with it.

I think it would have to... It couldn't be done out of anger. Okay. Because if you do come to a resolution, you can say, hey, it was all in fun. And then you guys could become friends. Because otherwise, Ted Turner, if it was not all in fun, are you concerned at all that Ted Turner might hire someone to kill us? I wouldn't even be concerned. I would know that would happen he could buy i think one possibility we should look into is the possibility that he buys our souls from god and gives them to the devil i don't think

ted turner hires hitman i think he hires guys to sedate you and then you wake up and you're in his lair and he kills you with his bare hands wow i think that's kind of ted turner's mo am i wrong in thinking this okay he's in his complex in aspen colorado right tell your ride and you know in the 55 bedrooms he happens by the way of the 55 bedrooms yes uh 10 are occupied by lady friends yes one by ted turner yes 44 by Bison. And you know what? And all those Bisons have numbers on them. 1 through 45. 42 is missing.

And 42 is when Ted Turner dresses up as a Bison for the Christmas party. Santa Bison. Is it possible that he stumbled around on the internet and he said, you know, our family's motto is maximum fun. And he went to go maybe to buy that on a website. And then he saw that you guys had it. Well, this is what we know about Ted right now. I saw Ted speak at the Book Expo America a few months ago.

That's where I got a cool Ted Turner, call me Ted, baseball cap. Nice. That's where I got a cool Ted Turner, call me Ted, baseball cap. Nice. And I learned from his speech on the con side that his proudest moment was the start of the Gulf War, which is creepy. Wait, he was excited? That was a bad thing or a good thing? He thought it was great.

Okay. Because he was covering it live on CNN. Got it. And on the other side of the ledger um he's not a kiddie fucker and he wants us to know that he never did he was that ever he said he said i've had a lot of wives but hey i never did anything with kids wow that seems like an odd admission to make unless like that's not the first thing that comes to my mind to say that I'm not. But what he's saying is this. It's 10 things down the line.

He's saying, I'm Ted Turner. If I desired to do things with kids, I could. I could buy a child. He could buy... He doesn't need... He's not like Gary Glitter. He needs to go buy a third world child. No. Ted Turner could buy a first world child.

He could buy a celebrity child. Exactly. He could go to Indiana and just pick up a whole town of kids and ship them back to his compound. Yeah. Skyler, you know, some kid named Skyler he could buy and then have his way with. I take him in his word that he never did this. I think what his point is, is I have unlimited power, and yet I have curbed myself. No government intervention was necessary.

Wait, so you're saying that he has this desire within him, but he is... I think he's asserting... Put the brakes on it. I think he might be asserting that we all have that desire within us. Not that it's a burning desire, but that he lives in a world without consequence. You see what I'm saying? Mm-hmm. A world in which he is all, literally all that matters.

Does that make sense? It does, it does. So in his world, he could do something with a child... When he could fuck a child, the fact that he didn't is a sign of self-restraint. But let's go to, we did get, we asked for some opinions. We got some great opinions on the forum. It's been very mixed so far. But here are two opinions about Ted Turner.

Hey, Jordan, Jesse Goh. This is Matt from Indiana. Regarding your Ted Turner decision, I'm leaning toward Jihad. Jihad makes for better radio. Everyone likes an angry radio show here and then, so that would be great. And also, I'm not entirely sure. Like, I know who Ted Turner is, but I don't really know what he looks like.

I sort of only kind of know who he is. And if he was cool, I'd know who he was. So he's got to be at least somewhat of a douchebag. And all I could picture when you guys were talking was Ted Danson, and that's not the same person at all. To a good point. Number one, he's trying to trick us. Pretty Ted Danson-heavy show so far yeah that's

true relatively to our other shows uh well you know i think we i i think we've got a long way this is going to be a long road for us and uh we shouldn't preclude the notion of having a a further a more ted dancing heavy show in the future i've always envisioned the show in the strategic plan did you get a chance to check out the strategic plan? I didn't like it. I mean, I didn't like the look of it, so I didn't read it. You didn't check out my vision map? Uh-uh.

I had my eyes closed. I did some mind mapping, Paul. Yeah, of course. Everybody does. So that I could come up with some effective vision statements. And in terms of strategic plan, five years, ten years out, we're hoping to have more and more dancing-related content, especially in a social media context. Eventually, what we'd like to have is some UGC re-dancing and so on.

Eventually... I feel like that's a good plan. Possibly with a dancing spinoff. I feel like it's a good plan. Possibly with a dancing spinoff. I like it because I feel like right now, you guys are at this point. I feel like you guys are building

towards something. Slash fiction where the characters from Becker fuck the characters from Cheers. That would be great. That's something that really takes advantage of the medium. What if the character from Cousins, remember that? The dancing vehicle?

It's a film where he falls in love with his cousin. She's French. Long story. It's a very long story. And funny. I think we need to bring this guy. First of all, I've never been a fan of Ted Danson. My old website used to have a whole section devoted towards

taking that guy down a peg because I think he's kind of full of himself the guy's a little full of himself but I think what it is is now he has been taken down a peg and you guys now have to bring him back up bring him back up

we have to undo the damage done by your seniority webpage literally hundreds of people saw what I had to say about Ted Danson. Hundreds. Yeah. Think about that. Yeah. And now you guys have to build him back up.

Gotcha. Make him like Robert Forrester. You're his Quentin Tarantino. Get him back. I gotcha. Hello, Mr. Thorne and Morris. This is Ryan from Los Angeles, and I'm calling to express how thrilled I am that there's a Ted Turner-related action item. Otherwise, I was going to have to call this in as a momentous occasion,

and considering that it happened over 20 years ago, that might be a little weird. My father worked in cable television for a very long time, and in addition to that resulting in me growing up in a house full of swag, it also comes with a few stories, one of which centers squarely on Mr. Ted Turner. This is about 1987, maybe 88. I'm one or two years old at the time. There was some sort of conference going on.

I don't know where the conference was, but my mother had come along with my father for the conference, and she was with another wife of one of the businessmen there with their daughter, also about my age. We were both in strollers, and the two wives were sunbathing by the pool. and the two wives were sunbathing by the pool. I apparently had some sort of rash on my face, maybe a sun rash, something like that. I really don't know much about the rash. But Turner comes out of a conference room, which exits out onto a courtyard where the pool is, and he walks through the pool area.

Turner, a very self-centered man, always very busy, he's kind of storming through this yard and not paying attention to much of the stuff around him. But as he's passing my stroller, he stops very abruptly, turns to my mother, and says, Is that smallpox? My mom, I think, immediately thought, When was the last documented case of smallpox in the united states and then responded no and he said okay and continued on his way uh-oh uh-oh i just have a

revelation what's that i feel like i've never seen ted uh not ted danson but uh ted turner age Not Ted Danson, but Ted Turner age. And what if he has a Dick Clark kind of energy to him? What if maybe that was a momentary lapse? He thought it was back in the days of the Indians and, you know, in the first Thanksgiving. Thought it was smallpox. Got afraid. Are they trying to get him again with these blankets? Maybe Ted Turner is a... Yeah.

Unkillable. He's like one of those murderers. Maybe he's like a Highlander. I read something in Time Magazine about how he hates horse blankets. And that might... You see? You know, he has one of the world's largest herds of... He has the world's largest herd of buffalo.

Are you being serious, really? Yeah, absolutely. This is very interesting. I like the Highlander thing. And I like the fact that he is unkillable. This is very interesting. I like the Highlander thing, and I like the fact that he is unkillable. This man is trouble. Yeah, this is a guy we want. I mean, we should probably go ahead and just incorporate him

rather than trying to kill a... Befriend him or be beheaded, because he will come here with a giant sword, him and Christopher Lambert. You guys. You guys. Christopher Lambert from Highlander or Christopher Lambert from Mortal Kombat? Highlander.

Well, you guys. I've got a good plan. First we get him on our side. Then we go out and party a little bit too hard. Right. Okay. Wait, hold. Okay. Keep going. I've already seen a flaw. Sorry.

We're partying with him pretty hard. But here's the thing. He's drinking real booze and we're drinking fake booze the bartender's on our side yeah totally eventually he starts doing some crazy shit not with kids but just he would break a tenant of his life right he gets arrested he goes in the holding cell. He's so fucking wasted. He doesn't remember who he is. So this is what he does. He says to the other guys,

Hi, what are you in for? This is murderer, murderer. I'm on drugs. Being a Highlander. And Ted Turner says, I don't remember what I did, but I'm unkillable. That's fine to go.

It's a challenge! It's a challenge! I like it. This is how we take him out! I'm guessing that Ted Turner has ingested so many substances in his life that, like, a night of us drinking water or fake drinks or whatever,

we're more likely to get messed up when he's just drinking. I have heard a rumor that Ted Turner's belly is made of steel. Yeah. So he could digest anything, metals. One of the pranks that I didn't play this week was a woman whose housemates didn't like their neighbors, I think, but they had parties at each other's houses. So they broke into their neighbor's house and broke into their

liquor cabinet, poured out all the liquor into jugs, took it back to their house, and then replaced it in the liquor cabinet with a mixture of water and soy sauce. Oh, awful. In the liquor cabinet with a mixture of water and soy sauce. Oh. Awful. And this was before, and then went to the party that was planned for the next night. And everyone talked about how great the cocktails were. It doesn't taste boozy.

That's like when you play a prank on the mean fraternity, and you put something weird, and they're this is the best and you're like you're eating dog shit yeah i mean i saw this uh i saw this documentary about these um like this kind of this guy's been in college for a long time van wilder i think his name was and so he in this documentary they did this thing where this was on pbs right where he puts the dog cum in the donut yeah yeah and these guys are just eating this donut and they're like literally like squeezing the cream out of the donut now it's not donut cream it's dog cum yeah and so these guys loved it i loved it rubbing it on their faces going oh like a way in which a man would not eat a donut yeah but it was so good it was so good was this on the hero's journey i'm trying to place it it was a bill it was a bill moers thing. It was definitely Bill Moyers.

Was it the Hero's Journey thing? Yeah, I think it was. Ken Burns co-produced it. Was it on Now with David being Cooley? I don't remember. I T-voted. Washington Week? Might have been.

With Gwen Ifill? Google it. You know what? Google it. If I remember correctly, this is really sounding familiar to me. I think Gwen Ifill was in it. I think she was. I think she did the wraparounds, didn't she? Or the voice

of the narration or something. Yeah, she did something. No, no, you know what? It wasn't Gwen Ifill. It was Tara Reid. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Paul Scheer, junior Bible salesman. Jordan, you met Don Draper this morning to work out. I just came back from the press junket of The Day the Earth Stood Still. Not a good movie. Don't see it. Very boring. Yeah, I was very excited.

It's nice to meet Keanu Reeves, but yeah, definitely I get to meet Jon Hamm, who plays Don Draper. Nice guy. Great guy. Two faux pas. Uh-huh. Called him Don. Oh!

And then asked for a cell phone picture after we were done. Did he oblige? He did, happily, but a little bit like, yeah, whatever. I'm going to say, honestly, it would not be out of the realm of possibility that he has listened to this show. were done did he oblige he did happily but like a little bit like yeah whatever i'm gonna say honestly it would not be out of the realm of possibility that he has listened to this show yeah he's such a comedy fan oh my gosh wow if he listened to that this show boy howdy boy howdy i can't decide whether to get a boner or to have my penis descend in some way. Up into my body. Have your testicles descend to envelop your penis and then come up in one gigantic clump.

Cool. Great clump balls. All right. So my question is to you, because I know that you do these junkets, and I have had a friend who did these junkets, and we had kind of come to an agreement, and I wanted to see if it held true for you. Sure, sure. You're trying to have fun with these people.

You're trying to... Yeah, I guess I should explain for people who don't maybe know about my job is that I do these junkets, and they want me to do something goofy, something out of the ordinary, not necessarily talk about the movie, but dress up as an adult baby, or, you know, this one I had on a crazy tinfoil hat so the government couldn't read my mind. Perfect. Okay. So, obviously...

That's absolutely perfect. Exactly what we were hoping you would say. You're kicking these people out of their comfort zone a little bit. Sure, sure. Because they're getting literally like dozens of people going, what was it like to work here? What about the special effects? What about this? So, you're coming coming with a different tact now in my experience and my friend

and i's experience i always found that a-list celebrities totally cool with it like you're keanu reeves you're like keanu reeves very cool with it by the way okay super cool like yeah i was definitely prepared for him to be upset and you know blank faced but yeah so then i go c-list celebrities cool with it celebrities that are cool but not yet a's but they're kind of like uh i'm trying to think of a good c-lister who would be a good c-list like a jason statham or is he b-list j is statham b statham might be in that tough i saw that jason stath movie. You said I should see Bank Job. Yeah. Yeah.

It's one handsome bald man. I'll tell you that much. Yeah, he is. He's got a lot of gravitas. If you enjoy that, go see Death Race. Oh, yeah? Same movie. Same movie. Did you see Death Race, by the way?

Oh, yes, in the theater. Death Race was fucking great. Amazing. It was literally like watching a video game. It was amazing. Yes, it was. It was amazing. Like the tenants of a video game, yeah.

Awesome. It was like the cut scenes were the movie. Did your theater clap when Joan Allen died? Oh, yes, of course. Mine too. Yeah, we were excited. We saw it opening day. Well, I guess the theory is this.

A celebrity sees celebrities cool. B celebrities, not so hot. Not into it. I'm going to... I have not thought about this. This is an interesting theory. Okay. Let me go ahead and list the celebrities who have not been cool with this,

and we can see if this applies. Now, I'm just going to interject real quick, Jordan, just for Paul's benefit. One sort of problem with testing this that we might have is Jordan's sort of a Hollywood kingmaker type. So if an A-list celebrity weren't to play along with Jordan, they might end up becoming a B-list celebrity. I understand this. Okay, alright.

Anyway, go ahead, Jordan. People who have not been cool with this, Kiefer Sutherland. I'm going to say he's a B, and this is why. Because he's not a movie star. He's not on the level of George Clooney, but he's not a C because he has a very successful TV show. Yeah.

Sure. So I think he's a B. A B is not a bad place to be. He may be a movie actor who retreated to TV. Exactly. And was successful. At a certain point, he was an A. But now he's a B, but he's a B only because of 24.

But he's yet to kind of come. He's not an A. That's my... my you know I actually interviewed him for this horror movie he made called Mirrors yes and that was an experiment

in becoming a movie star again which failed because the movie was a failure okay so we all are in agreement that's a good B that's a good B he wants to become an A sure

other let's see Brendan Fraser not cool with it. Is Fraser an A or a B? I'm going to say Brendan's a B, too. He's a B, yeah. Because he's not a C. He's done enough, but he's not an A, either.

He'll star in a movie, but he's not starring in a movie. People aren't going to see the movie to see Brendan Fraser. You're not going to see Journey to the Center of the Earth, because you're like, I wonder what Brendan Fraser is going to do with that movie. You're like, I want to see it in 3D. Or you're not going to see the mummy because you're Brendan Fraser. I really wanted to see that in 3D. I didn't.

I don't know why. Me too. That was a really fucking bad mistake on my part. I'm an idiot. Anyway, go ahead. So far, two Bs, I think. Okay. Let me see if I can conjure up any more people who have not been cool with this.

Jaimon Honsu not been cool with this. Jaimon Honsu. Not cool with this. I don't even know where he falls. That's a tough one. Now, if you're talking about... Did he understand you? He did, yes. And he yelled at me in a very thick African accent.

We actually had... We had a little thing... I guess I can talk about this. I kind of didn't want to for a while because I did get in a little bit of trouble. Of course. But maybe this doesn't apply. Anyways, we had a thing on the show for a while. Okay.

Who people thought was better, Jaimon Honsu or Shuatel Ejiofor? We wondered who people thought was better. And finally, I... Now, we should be clear we also for example i had a thing about uh who was better shyla buff or minnesota twins pitcher boof bonzer it does not exclusively have to do with grace in this case it did yeah all right um and we're big fans of both yeah um i saw him at the this is some weird place the beverly hills film festival anyways uh and just just so paul knows she would tell you four is better anyway go ahead sure it's been voted i would have let him go yeah yeah yeah um anyways i asked him i asked him who

he thought was better him or jayman answer him or Ejiofor. He's like, why would you ask me that? Why would you ask me that? And then he just leaves. And then his publicist called our office the other day and bitched us out and told us we couldn't play it on TV. That's hilarious. Why would he freak out like that? I don't know.

I thought I asked him. I thought the figure Jordan was racist. But in fact, I was just curious. Yeah. But in fact, he's just amused by unnovel sounds. Right, I just like... That's amazing. I love it.

It's okay. I don't know if that counts or not in our discussion. I'll tell you some of the people that in my experience were great. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Awesome. I haven't gotten to meet Schwarzenegger at anything yet. Always cool. Almost too cool. Yeah. I haven't gotten to meet Schwarzenegger at anything yet. Always cool. Almost too cool. Yeah.

I believe it, though. Yeah. I also had dealings with Keanu Reeves. Super cool. People not cool. Timothy Hutton. Not into it. Not a fan.

Who else is a good... It's been such a long time since I had remembered. Billy Dee Williams, perfect C. Amazing C. Yeah. Loved it. Totally was on a different planet. And who else was some...

I'm trying to think back. Now, Paul, let me ask you real quick. Which planet would you say Billy Dee Williams was on? I think it was... Which planet would you say Billy Dee Williams was on? I think it was... I'm not sure of where it is located in the stars. He was on loan for quite some... for a small period of time to this world.

And in that time, he needed to smell the person that was interviewing him. He refused to answer any sort of question. But he did ask the person who was interviewing him to dance. So he needed to smell and dance before he needed to be reported home. Okay, so Billy Dee Williams was definitely on board. Yeah, I'm trying to... I don't want to have just a lot of me going, who else? I got another one. Kim Kardashian not into it.

Is that a B? I think Kim Kardashian... She thinks she's a B. I think a B is somebody who takes themselves... This is, I think, the justification. Someone who takes themselves too seriously. They want to be revered like an A. And I think that's what a B is. They want to be revered as an A, Sure. And I think that's what a B is. Okay.

They want to be revered as an A, and they're not comfortable being a C. Gotcha. So I think that that's the middle ground. Okay. I think that that's... I mean, that's what it feels like. Because, like, Jon Hamm, if not in the A, on his quickly becoming his way, will jump right over B. He went from, you know, like, boom.

He'll just jump over it. He's a, you know, like, boom. He'll just jump over it. He's a beautiful man. Totally cool. Ready for it. But yeah, Kiefer's a perfect example of somebody who I think is. So that's a little game you can play. Who could be a dick? Who's a dick?

You'll know. Yeah, yeah. Tommy Lee Jones, an A, and also really into it. Surprisingly into it. But he's an A. Confident with himself. Doesn't have anything to prove. He's Tommy Lee Jones, an A, and also really into it. Surprisingly into it. But he's an A. Confident with himself. Yeah. Doesn't have anything to prove.

He's Tommy Lee Jones. You know why? That guy's already best friends with Al Gore. You know? Yeah. What does he have to prove? He's best friends with Al Gore. He's done it.

He's one of the best, best friends of all time. He's right up there with Rickles and Newhart. Al Gore and Tommy Lee Jones? Give me a break. Come to some slack. That's the best buddies ever. If you got a best friend like that, you know what your place in the world is.

Yes. Best friends with the Nobel Prize winning, you know, is that what he won? Nobel? Yeah, Nobel Prize. Yeah, Nobel Prize winning former vice president. You can do whatever you want.

Anything. Door's open. You know what he does? What? He calls up Al Gore. He's like, Al al let's grow beards they do it and then they totally do it not a problem and then they totally do it southwest vacation yeah absolutely let's go to taos that's what he says let's you and me let's go to taos taos new mexico you know what i mean chalk it up as a business expense you're gonna

research some uh planetary warming let's go and then he says and then and then out goes you know i'll tell you what i'm really gonna research some of your uh turquoise jewelry and why you're such a queer for wearing it you know and then they just give each other a big hug those guys it's all about hanging out in front of fireplace wearing tur wearing turquoise jewelry, and making bison chili. That's all it is. It's bison chili all the time. And a big cauldron. It's better the second day.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Paul Scheerne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Paul Scheer, Junior Bible Salesman. Okay, gentlemen, from time to time on the program, we ask our listeners to call in and share with us what we call momentous occasions. This is the high points of their lives that they call in and report to us either live in the moment or immediately after the moment. Now, we choose these to play based on basically how much we like them.

So there are certain moments that happen in every life that we're done with. Bought our first house, had our first baby. Sure. Fuck them. Out the door. Done. See you later. We did those.

It was like week two. Right. We had all that shit covered. So at this point, we're looking for stuff that's wonderful, amazing, and delightful. Stuff like this next moment. By the way, with regard to this next one, if you're the sensitive type who doesn't like gross stuff, I want you to skip forward one minute. Okay. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Goad. This is Trevor from New Westminster.

I have a momentous occasion. My son, Ryan, who is potty training right now, was walking around the house with no pants on, and he called, Daddy, Daddy, poo. And I thought, oh, he's telling me he's going to go poo. But no, he told me that he had pooed on the carpet. So I see the turd sitting there on the carpet. And then I noticed there's another turd sticking out of his butt about to fall. And I'm thinking, oh, no, no, no, I've got to get it. So I lunge because I see it starting to break off.

And I catch the turd in midair. I caught a flying turd. And then I had to pick the other one up and put it in the toilet. I thought that was pretty cool. Thanks. Bye. Amazing. Bear hand?

Amazing. Bear hand, I'm guessing? That's nice. Bear hand to catch. Yeah. We talked on the show about how I accidentally picked up one of my dog's poops with my bear hand, because it was dark and I didn't know what it was. It's an amazing experience.

You thought it was a common giant slug. Exactly. Once you've done it, you feel like you thought it was a common giant slug exactly once it's once you've done it you feel like you can do anything that's the feeling once you've handled feces you know what i'm gonna say after hearing that that guy's definitely not going to jurassic park because yeah he is maybe the world's greatest dad hey jordan jesse this is leanne and marvin we are wasted off our behinds And we just had a drunk dance party On top of my Volkswagen Beetle

Thought you'd like to know For the first time You think that's the first time Alright, a drunk dial This first ever drunk dance party On top of a Volkswagen Beetle Yeah, that's a tough one To have a drunk dance party on top of I Volkswagen Beetle. Yeah, that's a tough one to have a drunk dance party on top of. I know, because it's so sloped.

Yeah. It's an arc more than it is. You probably have to do some sort of seated dance. Yeah, I would imagine that would be part of the dance. Oh, a seated dance? Yeah, some sort of seated dance. Unless they're very good at controlling their body weight, you know? They might be.

Shifting. They work at the post office. So we know that from previous calls. So I'm just throwing that out there. They work at the post office. So we know that from previous calls. So I'm just throwing that out there. They work on federal property, so who knows what they can do. Good point, good point. Hey, JJ Go, this is Jack in Nebraska, and I'm pretty sure this is a momentous occasion.

Right now I'm driving behind a blue neon. I can't quite tell what the driver looks like. I think it's a female. But she's got two bumper stickers. One says, Warning, driver under the influence of earth, wind, and fire. And the other one says, Got earth, wind, and fire.

Wow. My goodness gracious. I didn't know that I lived close to that guy. That lady sounds like a real shining star. That's amazing. Paul's not a lady. Just because I wear my hair long when I drive.

Put on your driving wig. For driving. That's amazing. To get two is even better. You know what? This one is not doing it enough for me. You're like, this one is pretty funny. I think she's just like,

well, this one is more like literally true under the influence. Like, I really am, like, because I'm dancing and having fun. This other one's cool because it's funny. It's sort of like a twist on... The popular slogan. Yeah, you know, it's cool and, ah, God, I love you, Maurice. Oh, man.

I have one more thing to add that I almost forgot to add. I almost started the next call but this is something that's important to me i like how he said i don't know if you guys get this thing a lot around where you live like as though it's a regional thing it is it might be that might be you know what i bet you that is a member of earth wind call. I want to be clear here. I am originally from the Bay Area, so it's more Tower of Power novelty bumper stickers that I see than Earth, Wind & Fire

novelty bumper stickers. Can we put a call maybe out to the people on your message board to see if they can find all that paraphernalia? Because I imagine if those are two existing bumper stickers, there must be a lot more of that kind of... We're looking for the best

musically themed novelty bumper stickers. Or something where Hulk celebrates Christmas. Those are two things we're looking for. Post them in the forum thread for this week's show. Those two things. Per television celebrity, Paul Scheer.

Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. I'm calling with a momentous occasion, which is I just got into Harvard Law, and yes, the superiority complex is instantaneous. Don't go. Do not go. Do not go to law school. If there is one thing that you learn from this fucking show,

I do this show week after week after week, Jordan. We barely make dollar one on this program. You know, I sit there, I edit this show painstakingly, putting in the little musical transitions. It's at a cost to me from all the parking tickets I get. So I think I want this to be a profitable experience, if not for us, then at least for our listeners. And for God's sake, if you can learn one thing from my life,

do not go to law school. I've heard that from you numerous times. Don't go to law school. Do not go to law school. Now, Jesse, do you think it's possible that the Harvard Law School experience is different than the law school experience that's going on in your house right now.

The Loyola Law School experience? I'm guessing there's probably less Miss Los Angeleses at Harvard Law School. There's one at Loyola Law School right now. I'm guessing there's probably less women looking at porn during class. Women looking at porn. All right. Is it for some sort of, Maybe for some sort of obscenity issue.

No, it's not because they're making a collage. Okay. I was going to say because of some obscenity case or something like that. No, they're looking at it because they have some sort of Los Angeles-induced body dysmorphic disorder. Harvard is breeding... I mean, people go to Harvard Law School,

normally come out, and do something good. Right. I mean... No. No? That's not true. All right.

Some people who do something good went to Harvard Law School. I think most people who go to Harvard Law School come out and continue in their path to have no values other than how much money can I make. But what about that tie? Okay. They got a cool tie. They do have a cool tie. Oh, yeah.

No, I'm sorry. I take it back. It's the tie. You're right. You're right, Paul. You're totally right. Then you can wear that tie to parties. I apologize. I apologize. Thank you. Hi, Jordan and Jesse. This is Carol from Connecticut. I'm calling with a momentous occasion. I got porn instead of my Netflix.

There was a porn DVD in my Netflix envelope, which I didn't realize There was a porn DVD in my Netflix envelope, which I didn't realize. I just put it in my DVD player and then went to go watch the movie and realized it was porn. The movie was called Where the Boys Aren't,

Arabian Nights. It was Magnolia. That was all. Bye. It was supposed to be still Magnolia? Wow. That's amazing. It's similar in some ways. The plot is very similar.

Did you guys hear about this? That they're making a Cosby show porn right now? No. It's called the Cosby Show XXX. This is totally true. I just read this the other day. It's like they did a Brady porn. That's what this company is known for.

And they did a Brady porn. Now they're doing a Cosby porn. I mean, I don't keep up with the biz, but it seems like... No, I don't either. Are the novelty porn movies, are they coming back? Or are they re-invoking the series? No, hold on. I don't keep...

Look, I don't keep up with the biz, but these actors are still on a different world, correct? Well, Kadeem Hardison is in this. His glasses are definitely flipped up, flipped down. But yes, apparently the press release that I read was there is a guy going to be playing Bill Cosby. Did you get that because you've got a google alerts for bill for cosby porn and monster cut specifically

but i want to i i so is the guy the guy was probably doing a bill cosby impression bill cosby impression and it takes place in l Bonet's bedroom. Those are the two specifics. That's what I understand it to be. I had read it on some sort of blog and they were hypothesizing that Bill Cosby, who's very litigious, will shut this down before it makes it out. Because it is called The Cosby Show XXX. It's not even called The Coxby. Yeah, exactly. Alright, we get it.

Yeah, you know, and it's funny because I feel like the Bill Cosby impression is kind of a staple of like the stand-up sketch comedian. It's such this kind of popular thing that guys do at parties. Yeah. It would be so funny to see that in a pornography context. I almost feel like that would be something I would like to see that in a pornography context i i almost feel like uh that would be

something i would like to see like what what is you know what's going on keep it up as he's fucking that's the question do i do you think that the the idea for this i mean i always find it interesting to find out where did this idea come from you know where are the roots of this. Why now? Do you think... Yeah, Obama's in office. Some porns were hanging out at a porn party, and one of them started doing a Bill Cosby impression, and another one said... How can we work that into porn? Hold on.

Hold on. I think we've got something. You know what? I'm going to add to something. I think that's probably what happened, but the guy who said, hold on, I think what happened was his eyes turned into casino roulette wheels. Dollar signs came up.

I was like, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching. Oh, man. It's almost Christmas, and I'm very excited about Christmas and the Christmas season. I just got a tree. Yeah? You got a nice one? I got a very nice one. I was very excited about it. Biggin'? It's about seven feet tall.

Last year I went to the Christmas tree lot to get a tree, but the trees were outrageously expensive. I just could not imagine spending... The cheapest one was like $60 or something. Yeah, they were expensive. So then I went to the grocery store and the hardware store locally. I thought maybe they would have some trees because where I come from, you know, there's usually some trees outside. They didn't have any.

So I went to the Home Depot down the block. And they were inexpensive, but it was the worst shopping experience of my entire life. It was such a nightmare. It literally took me, standing there at the Home Depot, it took me an hour and a half to buy a tree. Home Depot employees are not famous for being pleasant to deal with. Oh Home Depot, it took me an hour and a half to buy a tree. Home Depot employees are not famous for being pleasant to deal with. Oh, God, it was horrible. And then at the end of it, they wouldn't put a water holder underneath for it.

The only worst store that I've gone in is a Kinko's. That's the only place where the people are more openly contemptuous of you. So now I'm like, I don't even know if I can bring myself to go buy a tree, because I don't want to spend $60. I'm not going to even be home for Christmas. But then it's nice.

It's very nice. You know, you get it now, which is a little bit earlier than you should. Because you're going to be leaving anyway. And you know what? I kind of said, you know what? For $60 at the place that I got it, they already had the stand attached to it. It's like very Charlie Brown-esque. And you're done.

You're done. Just decorate that sucker. She put some water in that fucking thing. Start celebrating. Yeah. We have one last momentous occasion. It is holiday themed. Hi, Jordan, Jesse Go.

This is Kylan in Texas calling in with a momentous occasion. I was at work and some lady just called to tell me that I had ruined Christmas for her two grandchildren. It's a special feat because I've never met the woman, never met her grandchildren, and don't know how I did it. So, momentous occasion, Christmas ruined. Wow. I wonder what she does for a living. Yeah, that would have been a good one.

My guess is drag racer. Yeah. She killed her children. Sniper. Sniper. Yeah, we're missing some information on this hey i got i got i have one i know we're running a little long but i think this bears mentioning and it's kind of holiday theme this is my momentous occasion i was at the um i was in the san francisco airport waiting for

a flight uh two days ago uh just in the restaurant kind of waiting for the plane to take off. At the bar, there's five people seated, and they're all seated with one seat in between each other. Like, they're not there together, but they're kind of drinking and kind of carrying on together. It's kind of this way where they would just say something out loud and the other person could respond or not. It was just kind of a time-killing situation, clearly. loud and the other person could respond or not it was just kind of a time killing situation clearly and um on one end you have uh this woman who's a very kind of looks like maybe like like maybe

she's a berkeley women's studies professor kind of long patchwork skirt and um uh kind of wooden sandals that she probably got on her trip to japan and um and then on the other end is a real uh kind of sinewy uh kind of upsettingly thin tiger tiger uh like I'm a British model looking woman and uh as I'm listening to the conversation the the uh professor woman is just kind of wildly gesturing and talking about something. And she's like, it's so interesting. Just think about it. Think about it. What would human beings

as a race do if we didn't have to work? And then model woman goes, I don't know, maybe like snowboarding? Anyway. I thought that was worth it, huh? Yeah, it was totally worth it. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go.

It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Paul Scheer, junior Bible salesman. Now, the two reasons this show is a little bit long. Number one, well, we got Paul Scheer here from the Music Television Network. Music Television. You know, we've got a real, you know, like, what if this is, if you have somebody from,

if you've got a Kennedy, an Adam Curry... A teela tequila. You've got to go a little bit long, right? Exhibit, I like to... X to the Z. The moral of the story here is you've got to stretch that out. You've got to take advantage of their time while you have it in your hands. Thank you.

You know what I mean? Number two, we're going to be gone next week. Jordan, you're going out of town. I'm going out of town. I've got to go make some Pledge Drive promos in San Francisco. Swear to God. So we've got holiday stuff to do. We're going to give things a week off here on Jordan, Jesse, Go.

That's fine. But I feel like this show was a great success. I feel really happy about it. It was great fun. I feel like we had maximum fun, like Ted Turner. Mm-hmm. Wait a minute. Okay.

Okay. I'm letting it go. Yeah. Don't freak out, dude. We're bringing him into the tent. We're bringing him into the tent. And maybe also, but we're always considering secretly murdering him. Yes, that's the plan.

Let him think that we are on his side. Keep your friends close. And then you stab them in the back. Can I ask you guys a question? The guy who called in about the smallpox thing, he said that he had a dad who worked in cable. And so he grew up with a house full of schwag. But then his example was 20 years ago.

So what is the schwag that he that he grew up with like an it's gary shandling's show i'm guessing duck man hat which makes it look like the hat is shaped like duck man though so it looks like you are duck man do you remember that tbs uh train that had all the cartoon characters on i don't know what that was called the super shuttle or whatever oh yeah yeah sure sure i think it was called the super characters on it. I don't know what that was called. The Super Shuttle or whatever? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure, sure. I think it was called the Super Shuttle. Yeah, see? It was like a monorail that had...

Yes. Isn't the Super Shuttle a blue... All the shitty Hanna-Barbera characters on it. Isn't that just a blue van that takes you to the airport? Not in this world. What if you got onto a blue van to take you to the airport? It's full of TBS cartoon characters. Yeah, you're sitting next to the funky Phantom.

We've got, you know, Jordan, we've got, in the next couple of weeks, we're going to have a couple of good $100 sponsorships. People have been, we offered to our listeners, this is for people who actually listen to this show, if they want to sponsor this show for a week for $100, we'll let them do it. That's awesome. So we've got a couple good ones that are sort of coming on the way in the planning stages right now, Jordan. But if you're out there

and you want to do this with us, jesse at maximumfund.org, or if you're a real business and you want to do it, we'll do it with a real business. Even better. It's surprisingly affordable, Jordan. Surprisingly affordable.

Action item this week, besides, of course, the holiday contest, and we're continuing to hear these horrible holiday stories. I'd love to see, uh, some great, uh, novelty music bumper stickers and, uh, Hulk doing Christmas stuff in the thread for this week's program. Let's honor our celebrity guest, Mr. Paul Scheer, uh, from, uh, uh, the Human Giant television program, from... 30 Rock.

30 Rock. He plays Kenneth Sarch Nemesis in that quality television program. From your Video Hits one. Video Hits one. Well, that's now Best We Get with Paul F. Tompkins. Yeah. So much more.

We're all pulled back. Right. You'll still be appearing on that show, right? I appear on it when they have me. I'm very happy to be a part of it. Paul is super fun. You could hardly ask for a funnier man

on Earth. On Earth. On Earth? Done. That's him. Bing, bam, boom. You got anything else? We're done, right? Nah, we're done. That's him. Bing, bam, boom. You got anything else? We're done, right? Nah, we're done. Let's eat some fucking cookies.

Yeah. I know it. And make sure you go see Benjamin Button. The story of a plucky little butt. A talking butt. Do the line, Jesse. Do the line. Do it.

Hey, guys. No, it's not the line. Forget it. Mamet guys. No, it's not the line! Ah, forget it. Mamet punched this up.