Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 84: Candy Maldonado

Episode Date: December 20, 2008

Ashkon joins Jesse and Jordan to discuss Cinemax, honey-glazed hams and much more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, friendly, maggoty, maddy, twiddle, dum, go is an erotic thriller set in a beach house on the beautiful shores of Oahu, Hawaii.

Let's go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. With us, returning to the program, undefeated guest co-host champion, rapper, actor, bon vivant. Man about town? Gad about. Bon monster, Ashkahn.

Hi, guys. Oh, it's just a joy to have you here, Ashkahn. Hi, guys. Oh, it's just a joy to have you here, Ashkahn, as always. Just a joy. Ditto. Likewise, from my direction. Ashkahn's T-shirt features prominently the Paramount Theater in the city of Oakland. It's a great place to go see a touring R&B review. It's a great place to go see a touring R&B review it's a great place

that would be a nice place for example to see like Keith Sweat you could see that at the Paramount Theater Frankie Beverly and Maze Maze featuring Frankie Beverly specifically it would be good to see that stuff at the Paramount Theater that would be a good thing to see at the Paramount Theater

it's actually kind of a montage of I don't know if that's the right word Beverly specifically. It would be good to see that stuff at the Paramount Theater. That would be a good thing to see at the Paramount Theater. It's actually kind of a montage of, I don't know if that's the right word, but a collection of different Oakland landmarks kind of combined into one skyline. Oakland Tribune building there. You've got the Grand Lake Theater. A wonderful movie palace. I saw the remake of Planet of the Apes there. The wonderful venue did nothing to improve the film

unfortunately. Bummer. An AC Transit bus it looks like there on the front. Yeah. And the shirt was made by my buddy Jamie. Like-minded people, I believe is the company. They have a bunch of

cool t-shirts. I figured I'd plug those in somewhere. Absolutely. Might as well just plug it. I mean, we've talked so much about... Some people probably started to want the t-shirt while we were talking about it. On the subject of street scenes, I need your help parsing something.

My help? Your help and Jordan's help. I need both of your help. Are the listeners involved in this? If the listeners have some insight, I'm more than open to hearing about it. I have a dog, Coco, the brown, brown dog.

That's kind of racist, dude. No. It's not racist. No. I love my dog. Just think about racist. No. I love my dog, Ashkahn. All right, just think about it. Okay. Yeah, give some serious thought to how racist you are, Jesse.

My dog and I go for a walk every day. I take my dog for a walk down 7th Street here in Los Angeles, who's Koreatown. And the other day, we're walking down the street, walking back, and I'm going to tell you how I'm dressed just in case this plays into it because I felt like maybe it was playing into it. Sure. I was wearing a... Also, you like to describe your own clothes.

I was wearing a... Tube top. I was wearing a tube top and someone... No. I was wearing a canvas, like a field jacket you know like it's the kind of jacket you would you would wear if you were going into the outdoors with the crotch cut out so your dick was hanging out okay and um it's too small to hang out jordan um so i'm walking down i should say it was visible i'm walking down the street barely i'm walking on the street. Barely. I'm walking on the left-hand sidewalk. Okay?

I'm walking on the left-hand sidewalk. And down the right-hand side of the street, you know, in the street in a car, is this big kind of American sedan. It stops in the middle of the block, and the guy's window is down. And this guy leans out, this kind of like burly guy leans out, maybe 30-ish, and yells at me. And I'm wearing my headphones, so I only just barely realized he was even yelling at me. You Russian! And I took my headphones out, and I was like, what? And he's like, you Russian!

And I said, no. It sounds like you accidentally wandered into Grand Theft Auto 4. Yeah, and I'm like, no. And then, and the guy goes... Did you say it with that, like, impetuous tone? You're like, no. I was just like, no? Okay. I was just baffled

by why someone would yell that at me at a car. And I was going, no? And then the guy says, what are you? i'm like huh he's like what are you and i'm and basically everything he yelled at me i was too confused to respond immediately this is a log red light and no he wasn't stuck he's stuck in the middle of the street. Okay. And I said, I don't know. I'm kind of a mix, you know? Well, my mom.

What are you, Jesse? You know, like my mother's side had a lot of Germans. My father's side has a lot of English people and Irish people and some Pennsylvania Dutch. You know, it's just sort of miscellaneous. Not a stretch to be mistaken for a Russian, though. No, you know. You kind of have a dark... Yeah.

You kind of remind me of Drago from Rocky IV. Yeah, that's sort of like what my deal is. I'm sort of a super soldier type, certainly. And then he just goes, Ah! And drives away. So I want to know, first of of all what was this guy after but second of all what would have happened if i was russian was this guy for example a chechen who wanted to kill me sure was he a russian look was maybe he maybe he had some kind of Russian sports team or social organization that he thought I might enjoy joining.

Maybe. Possibly it was some sort of underground fighting league that was organized on ethnic and racial lines. You see what I'm saying? I'm leaning towards some kind of shady mob type activity. Right. There's no way. The whole thing from soup to nuts was very shady sure i want i cannot emphasize enough how shady this whole situation was

no part of it was like it was not like uh it was not like an old lady you know came up to me and said oh are you russian oh very good oh, yeah. From the old country. Right, right, right. Like, that was not what it was like. But what was remarkable is I was completely unable to tell whether he could have been Russian. I mean, he had a, you know, he looked like he could have been Eastern European at the very least.

He sort of had a heavy-ish brow and, like you guys said, kind of dark hair. There was an accent of some sort. There was an accent, but it was a light accent. It wasn't a really heavy accent. And all those people from that general area. It wasn't like that offensive cartoon accent that you did. Yeah, well, to portray a broad comic stereotype of a babushka. Sure.

Okay, well, I think the what but here's the thing i do not even know if this guy was for or against russian i think my joke answer is that he was a super villain looking for thugs right or goons or goons could be but i think maybe i mean the the what i would think was happening is he was a Russian guy who maybe doesn't... I mean, you said light accent, though. Yeah. He's not looking for someone who... It's entirely possible that the man was Russian.

But, you know, at the end of the day, could I distinguish between a Chechen accent and a Russian accent? You see what I'm saying? And the Chechens and the Russians, not crazy about each other. Right. You know what I mean? No love lost between those two. No, absolutely not. I see where you're going, though.

Maybe he was looking for directions or... To Russia? Oh, you think he was looking for somebody that spoke Russian? Yeah, maybe. He wasn't sure whether to go west or east. Because, I mean, you know, there's not a lot of whites walking around and he probably saw the one white

maybe is there some sort of Russian thing in your neighborhood there's no Russian things in my neighborhood that's one of the things like it's not you're gonna wanna

go to like you're gonna wanna go to like Melrose and Hauser if you're gonna look for all that weird Russian stuff exactly

my neighborhood my neighborhood's a great place to yell out of a car you korean or you oaxacan jerk you know because but let's say let's say you were driving down the street and you wanted some uh sort of like barbecued snack grasshoppers you might stop in the middle of the street roll down your window you know you oaxacan and if the person said yes give me those where can i get some of those snack grasshoppers

that Oaxacan people eat? And they say, oh, right around the corner at the grocery store with the huge picture of the grasshopper on the front of it. But in this case, it's not a Russian neighborhood. There are no shady Russian social clubs anywhere. No non-shady Russian social clubs. Well, I think, you know, now we're kind of coming to the...

We're getting the answers here. Because this isn't a Russian neighborhood. And I thought this is where you were going, Jordan. Clearly this is a lonely Russian man. Aggressively looking for companions. Yeah, exactly. Sorry, clip in there. But yeah, it seems to me that he was driving around,

thinking about whatever he was thinking about. He saw you in your short shorts, walking down the street, walking the dog. In the middle of Koreatown. He's a Russian living in Koreatown. So you're saying because I was wearing the traditional Russian garb, which is jeans with the crotch cut out,

and your wiener just visible inside there. Yeah. Their tiny Russian wiener. And also, I was playing a Bella Laika. And you have an Eastern European vibe. Okay. Yeah. I think there's a certain...

Sort of a behind-the-iron-curtain type deal. Yeah. I mean... A little Red Dawn. Certainly a Red Donnie. Certainly if they can't hear you, and they just see you walking down the street, it might just be like, that guy... He's one of us.

But let me ask you this. That Russian man, he's looking for someone to... Granted, if he was looking for somebody to make him some borscht, I've made some borscht in my time. You probably just reeked so heartily of borscht that it was

wafting into his car from the street um but that russian man was was looking for someone who wanted to drink vodka between every part of his dinner meal you know i drink a vodka before and then in between each part he thought you could be that man and he thought i could be that man so but that man says he he's granted he stops his uh you know early 90s four-door american car uh rolls down the window and yells you russian but but if the person is completely baffled and says no does that man say what are you you see what I'm saying? That guy, what if it was this?

What about this? Maybe, you know, it's the Autobahn Society Christmas bird count right now. I don't know if you guys know about this, but every year people in the Autobahn Society, the thousands of people across America. I did know that. That's why I have this boner. Okay.

Because I'm so excited about that thing you said. Birders go out and count the different... This is just for Ashkahn's benefit, since you've obviously got a monstrous erection. I've got one coming on. The birders go out and they check the number of various kinds of birds. They count birds. Okay. And they use this to figure out if there's more or less birds of a different certain species in a certain place. This guy might have been doing that, but for Eastern European nationalities instead of birds.

So he might say... It's a kind of scavenger hunt. He says 12... He says for Russian, 12 Serb, for Croat. And he's been doing it for a while, so he's starting to get good. He thought he could just... Yeah. And he was frustrated.

He's like, ah, I thought I could call these. Yeah. And maybe he's worried about there's not enough Russians around, and that's why he was so cross. You know what I mean? That's why he went straight to Russian. I don't know. Yeah. I'm just saying i i'm guessing

that i mean i guess about a mile and a half away from you there is a little russian area uh-huh he was looking for it and and was frustrated maybe he's from maybe he's from pasadena maybe he's from uh sure you know san bernard yeah and uh and he saw you the one one Caucasian, Eastern European-y looking guy, and maybe needed directions and then was just so frustrated. Can I ask you a question? Yes. It's about San Berdue. Sure.

Is that an alternate name for San Bernardino or is that a place? No, no. I think what people from San Bernardino call San Bernardino. Well, that's a really good name for San Bernardino. Are you kidding? If you have a choice between San Ber-do. I think so. The point that I'm

trying to make is, if I lived in San Bernardino, whether or not that's what people called it, that's what I would call it, because it's just that good. I think he was trying to lure me into some kind of underground fighting ring. He had that vibe. Well, you're the one that would know best.

You'd know best. Yeah. It happened to you. Wow. Right? And you're the ultimate fighting enthusiast. Yeah. Of the group.

Of the three of us. What can I say? I love MMA. Sure. Oh, God. I was... What's the name of the MMA clothing line? Affliction.

Anyway, sorry. I was trying to think of that to make out. I was going to say tap out. Yeah, tap out, God. I was... What's the name of the MMA clothing line? Affliction. Anyway, sorry. I was trying to think of that to make up. I was going to say tap out. Yeah, tap out, too. There's multiple MMA-themed clothing lines. Yes. Affliction. Affliction.

Sounds like a cologne made by the MMA. Yeah. It's a cologne with a little bit of tuberculosis mixed in. You should have an accompanying body spray, the t-shirts that you buy. Ooh. Can I ask you a quick question, Jordan? What's your affliction? Diarrhea.

Jordan, you work in the action sports area. Sure. That's the industry that you work in. What? Yeah. Jordan works in action sports. Did you know that I work in the action sports industry? What the hell have you been up to?

You know, the TV channel I work for is primarily... I don't know that we've spoken for a while. It's been a while since we've spoke. No, I mean, but I've basically been at this job for years. Ashkahn, it's been a while since you speak. Speak. I thought you'd just been doing this. Yeah, this isn't a job, Ashkahn.

Oh. I mean, you know, God willing, someday I'll be able to quit the day job and just do Jordan, Jesse, Go full-time. Just show up at my house once a week. So what channel are you working on? It's called Fuel TV. Okay, I think that sounds familiar.

Yeah, it's on in a lot of bars. If you go on in a bar and there's lots of skateboard action going on, that's the channel. You're listening to Catching Up with Jordan and Ashkahn. So, are you dating anybody? How's your mother? Are the clothes for Tap Out... Ashkahn's angry because every time he yells into the microphone... I'm not yelling.

I'm talking normal. No, you're yelling. Barely yelling. If I laugh, it clips. Yeah, well, I don't have a limiter on yours. There's no limiter. So you just have to keep a steady keel, Ashkahn. Don't go off the rails.

That's all we need. Okay. There we go. That worked okay. That's how I talk. That worked okay that worked okay that worked okay okay i said it's kind of funny yeah jordan's yeah well we've got a lot of exciting stuff coming up on this week's program not least of which ashkahn's gonna wrap one of his raps so i might not what i had other plans oh other plans i'm gonna do some you have a poem or a short story you want to read? No, I might rap a rap. Ashkahn's just going to do a watercolor for us.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Ashkahn. You can have a nickname, Ashkahn. Did you have a nickname last time you were here? Didn't you have a nickname before? I'll think about that while we start talking.

He's, well, one of his nicknames that I remember is R. Curry, the Persian R. Kelly. That was one. Yeah. I didn't come up with that one. You're over that one. On my own. You're over that one. It sounds like.

It sounds like you've tossed that one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you know, call me what you want. Do they even eat curry? Is curry a thing that they eat in your Persia? There's a lot of yogurt sauces i know that yeah yeah i mean i think uh look i've never been to iran but i know that they eat a lot of yogurt

sauces there are a lot of yogurt sauces they're delicious yeah i don't like it who doesn't like a good yogurt sauce yeah it's one of the best kinds of sauce get some yogurt throw a little salt and pepper in there, some cucumbers, maybe some green onions, mix it all up. Parsley? Perhaps some parsley. Yeah, sure. While you're at it.

You bet. That's some good shit right there. Absolutely. We can cuss on there? Yeah. No, sure. Fuck. Shit.

Good work. Nice. That's what it sounds like. All right. I'd like to hear a cunt by the end of the show. I'm just saying. I don't want to pressure you. I don't want to...

Whoa, I dropped over a box. Thank you. Fine. Damn it. Sorry. For a professional musician, you sure as hell know how to use a microphone. I'll tell you that right now.

You see? I went over here when I said cunt. You're going to... He did. My great uncle Phil made that chair, Ashkahn. You're going to break the chair. But did you see, when I yelled cunt, I was way over here. You did. He turned his head away, but then he yelled it really loud.

Right. He yelled it really loud, and that's why it clipped. I'm sorry, Jesse. Don't apologize to me. Apologize to the listeners. They're the ones who have to listen to your distorted yelling. Guys, this is just sound nerd talk right here. This is just for recording enthusiasts at this point. Fine, Jordan.

Let's move on to something a little more general interest. How about this? Let's talk about your fucking trip to Hawaii. Once again, you got a free trip to fucking Hawaii. Yeah. Awesome. I'm getting a bunch of those. No, yeah.

I had to go to Hawaii for work recently. The Vans Triple Crown of Surfing is in Hawaii So I went there Wait, the Vans Triple Crown of Surfing? Yes I thought Vans was for skateboarding They've moved on They've expanded Yeah, just the action sports lifestyle

Is what Vans is about Jordan What? The Body Glove Triple Crown of Surfing Excuse me Yeah Body Glove's still around Really? Yeah, they me. Yeah. Body glove's still around. Really?

Yeah, they're still making... And body glove is still around? Yeah, you don't see a lot of body... You won't see that body glove t-shirt, but a body glove wetsuit. Oh, yeah. That's still very... It's one of the top wetsuit brands, Ashkahn. I don't know if you know about this.

I know you're Persian. I don't know if Persians have... We don't know. We don't know about a lot of these things. Mostly yogurt sauces, right? Yogurt sauces, kebab. Yeah, absolutely. Stealing your girlfriend.

Oh! Hey! Yowza! Okay, go ahead, Jordan. Ashkahn wins. No, anyways, we... It was lovely. We were on the...

You guys are having a good old time over there. Oh, man. We were on the... I guess I had a good old time over there. Oh, man. We were on the north shore of Oahu, and this was, again, a real... It was not a... I would not describe the area as touristy. It was real off the beaten path. It was somewhere where, like, somebody who enjoyed the action sports lifestyle might go. Right.

Yes, exactly. You don't go there for a luau, you know. You can go there your vans and hop on a board sure there you go um yeah we i guess to to illustrate how far away from anything we were we we tried to order a pizza and every place we called uh laughed at us when we told them where we were like you like like, oh, here we are. They're like, oh, no, we're not delivering there. Anyways, but we were in this real just beautiful beach house, just a beautiful beach house that the network rented out for various crews coming in for the event. And kind of surfboards for everybody,

beach cruisers that we could ride around in. Wait, beach cruisers? Is that like a dune buggy? No, it's a bike. It's like a bike you might see. I was picturing a dune buggy. Yeah, I thought it was a dune buggy. I said I was picturing.

Yeah. Oh, boo. So far, this trip to Hawaii sucks. No dune buggies. Yeah, right? There's no dunes. So far this trip to Hawaii sucks. No dune buggies. There's no dunes. You don't need dunes to ride in a dune buggy. It's part of the action sports lifestyle. Yeah, alright.

But also something that this place had was... Cool gecko t-shirt, by the way, Jordan. Thank you. That's a gecko t-shirt, by the way, Jordan. Thank you. That's a gecko! Get him off! Something that this place had was it had HBO On Demand.

Oh, nice. Which I'm not a guy who has TV in my house. I watch most of my television on Netflix or Hulu. Sure, you'll watch like a... Would you watch something maybe on Hulu? Yeah, Hulu. Three Stoog watch, like, would you watch something maybe on Hulu?

Yeah, Hulu. Yeah. Three Stooges. Yeah, the Stooges. Point Break. Point Break. You know, TV. Yeah.

Doogie Howser. So it was really nice. I got to kind of watch... Indie. I got to watch some things people had been talking about. I got to watch True Blood for the first time. Who talks about that? People, people around, people at my office. I didn't even True Blood for the first time. Who talks about that? People,

people around, people at my office. I didn't even know what it was. What is it? It's this show on HBO from the maker of Six Feet Under

about vampires. Oh, right, right, right. And this, it's not a good show at all, but I would say that the most,

easily the most awful, offensive part about the show is everyone's southern accent. It's set in the bayou of the deep south, and everybody's like, these are like mad TV caliber southern accents. Everybody is just being this over the top. Jordan, the thing is, you don't understand. Those aren't southern accents. That's a vampire accent. Oh, I'm sorry. Have you that's a vampire accent oh yeah have you

ever met a vampire that's how they talk golly yeah wee boy actually you know a lot of people don't know this but uh you know the cartoon character foghorn leghorn i do yeah he's actually based on a vampire who was famous at the time his voice is based on... Vampire who was famous in the 40s. Yeah, exactly. So the vampire is, you know, likely forgotten. Yeah. And I'm not a guy

who gets... I can enjoy something, you know. I don't need everything to be totally accurate, but man, it's so distracting how bad everyone's accent is.

It's like, you can just like, I don't know, I feel like I can just see the, like, dumb... dumb like i can see them rapping and then going to some dumb place on sunset boulevard to like hang out and ride a mechanical bull like that's all i can see them doing when they're like trouncing around their like fake southern diner i'm like oh you you all are just going out you're all gonna go to spago after this

and talk about what a good job you did and how you understand the people of the South. Do you think they talk in a Southern accent sometimes just for fun when they go out for dinner afterwards? I do. They try it. And then the waiter asks, where are we from? And we tell him we're from Alabama. He totally bought it. Yeah, absolutely.

I love people. Just watching people. That's why I'm a good actor. I can fucking hear them having those, like, idiot actor conversations, and I just hate them. But there is that cool, like, ooh. What? I just thought of something funny that I should share. Do it, yeah.

Well, you keep going. You wit boo. We're going to come back to Ashkahn, Jordan. This is our show. Ashkahn is just a Persian guy. Ashkahn is there to laugh and clip. We invited him to tell back to Ashkahn, Jordan. This is our show. Ashkahn is just a Persian guy. Ashkahn is there to laugh and clip. We invited him to tell us about yogurt sauces. And teach you about magic carpet riding.

Yeah, exactly. And to fuck our girlfriends better than we ever could. To really satisfy them. True Blood's bad. Okay, True okay it's horrible that's well covered i mean i can see i can see you know it has kind of like that crazy kind of ongoing plot and i can see kind of getting into the uh you know pulpy comic booky when that starts happening when that starts happening that's when i usually check it with six feet under is a great example of a show. I was with it, and I kept thinking it was going to even out

for the first... And then just crazy shit starts happening. Sure. When somebody gets raped, and blah, blah, blah. All of a sudden, everyone in the show is doing something crazy. This is like that, but with shapeshifters. Shapeshifters.

Anyways, but also something that I got to enjoy because of On Demand. Simpsons movie. That's great. Yeah. Simpsons movie was great. I really enjoyed watching that. So funny that Simpsons movie. Very funny.

But I got to enjoy kind of all the kind of naughty late night cable programs that I... I maybe have talked about this before, but we had HBO Showtime for a real brief like two month window when I was growing up. And it was right in my... Heyday. Yeah. My adolescence. My...

Sexual prime. My interest in nudity had just kind of surfaced exploded yes exploded blown all over the scene right screen just gotten in everybody's hair came on the face of the world um anyway so late night uh hbo just had all just had all this amazing stuff that was just so interesting and titillating. And first thing I got to revisit was Real Sex. Right. What number are they on now? I think I watched 25.

Now, Real Sex is a documentary style informational in this it's in sort of in the spirit of like a movie about nudists that you would watch with the drive-in in the 50s right yeah sure that like the yeah or the danger of nudity sure yeah uh yeah i was like like yeah it's kind of it's kind of porno masquerade masquerading as a hygiene documentary. But I don't know, though. It really was just not sexy at all. I found nothing sexy about real sex. What was the subject of it?

Did you feel like it had tainted your memories of HBO Smut? Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. I had such fond memories of HBO Smut. Showtime was actually even better. Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, I can even speak to that a little down the line. We're working up to that, yeah.

Did you guys have this growing up? We're building to a crescendo. Jesse, I don't think you did. You didn't have a lot of media. Ashkahn, did you have deep cable growing up? No, not much. I had to go to friends' houses. Yeah, you had to have a friend.

We didn't even have a VCR until I was like 12. And I got that as a birthday present. And I was like, what's this? This is a family. This is a VCR for the family. We only had one TV. I threw a tantrum. Actually, just to make that a little bit less weird, I think I was like 10.

You know how they... Your tantrum a little less weird. Yeah. You know how a classic sort of thing is the old black and white television and you have to use a wrench to change the channels. You know, that's what we had. We literally had a black and white television. You had to jam a pencil or something

in the slot and swivel it. The channel turner would broke off, so you had to grab it with a... not a wrench. That builds character. It really makes you appreciate the next channel you change to. Help me with the name of a thing that's not a wrench. It builds character. What's that called? It really makes you appreciate the next channel you change to. Help me with the name of a thing that's not a wrench because you squeeze it.

Pliers? Pliers. You had to change the channel with pliers. It was pathetic anyway. Look what it did. So we could watch Shiz. Just so we could watch Night Court. His posture is so great.

I know. I got my strong channel pliering muscles. Still got those. I actually changed the channels on my current TV. It's not necessary, but I use the pliers. I use the pliers to hit the remote control. You destroy TVs based on principle. Yeah, absolutely.

Just to keep it real. You're so concerned with keeping it real. But what was the subject of your real sex, Jordan? Let's see. There was one about an keeping it real. But what was the subject of your real sex, Jordan? Let's see. There was one about an oral sex class. So it was so bad, it was so bad that you watched a few. Sure, yes. Just to get a sense of the depth of how bad it was.

Yeah, yeah. There was one about an oral sex on women class. um one about it like an oral sex on women class and uh it was it was kind of uh being taught kind of in the back room of a of a of like a like a chick positive sex shop right um a good vibrations type area yeah your babes in toyland something like that i forget what it was specifically but uh um and you know it was kind of it's taught by these real affable lesbians in football jerseys and you know there's a wacky montage where you know they put on these like vagina hats and they point to all the places and like you know you see the kind of delighted looks of the people they're they're

teaching and um you know i'm like this this is their big football fans this is nothing i've said if there's a one... There was one part which was kind of interesting of it, and maybe even a little bit titillating, is that they had a married couple who had paid to take the class. They had them... They had the man oral sex the woman in front of the class. It's called oral sexifying.

Excuse me. The oral sexified are in front of everybody, huh? Yeah. And in front of HBO's Real Sex, apparently. Sure, right. Yeah, right in front of Arliss. Arliss was sitting there the whole time. And the Crypt Keeper.

And... But they don't... Like, that just happens for a few seconds and then they cut to a a a testimony of the couple and they're like we'd never done that before and then they just move on wait a minute you just you just performed a sex act in front of a bunch of strangers in public like maybe can we get into this at all what did that did that spark any feelings and nah never mind on with more vagina hats i don't know it was uh it was definitely not uh not exciting did you get any uh shaved ice while you're in hawaii no no i didn't have any shaved ice

should you have any plate lunches you have any plate lunch i didn't have a plate lunch okay that's good that's something um i had a mai tai excellent very tasty tanning excellent uh well plate lunches? I did have a plate lunch. Okay, that's good. That's something. I had a Mai Tai. Excellent. Very tasty. Tanning. Excellent. Well, you know. Yeah, you do got a little... A little color. A little more color than I usually have. Absolutely. Okay, so you...

I get the feeling from the previous conversation that you didn't stop at HBO's Real Sex. No, no, no no i also i also uh watched the you know the kind of the cinemax the erotic thriller um which i remember from you know being very exciting as a as a 12 year old that was all it was that was the be all end all sure absolutely it's usually like a sexual it's usually like a pleasure yeah it's usually like a cop It's usually like

There's kind of like a cop plot Usually Sometimes space It's one of the best filmic sexifiers Sure Sometimes space Mostly like a cop Who has to go undercover

Into some sort of sexual world And then sex happens That's usually kind of how these go down You might say the cop has to go of sexual world and then sex happens yeah sure that's usually kind of how these go down and um you might you might say the cop has to go undercover under the covers sure uh they get in too deep when they get in too deep yeah you know what i'm talking about i got talking about into the yeah okay go ahead the giant or butt yeah um and uh this is like donnie brasco except they don't saw anyone to pieces.

Have you seen Donnie Brasco? I haven't seen Donnie Brasco. He has to saw up a bunch of bodies. Forget about it. Sure. Anyways, and they... Good work, Ashkahn. And I was watching these,

I guess what was in their heyday, which is kind of your mid-90s, your 1994, 1995. Right. And these... Shannon Tweed. Right. Yes, exactly.

That's when... Back when Shannon Tweed was every man's sexual fantasy. And these, the ones that I watched, were recent. They were made in 2005, 2006, but they were indistinguishable from those made in 1994. All the women looked like Kelly Bundy. Looked and dressed like Kelly Bundy. No one had a cell phone or the internet. There was no modernization of the plots at all.

I think they probably just had a guy write them. Yeah. You know, 1989 or so. They just gave a guy $ hundred bucks to write the movies we're gonna need some scripts if we're gonna make these things and gave a guy a hundred bucks sure he wrote the scripts they just keep them in a pile just whatever's on top what's they is what they put the film sure um yeah you give david mamet some blow you lock him in a room. Did you hear what David Mamet... Okay, I have a quick aside about David Mamet.

David Mamet is producing this revival of his play Speed the Plow on Broadway right now. Yeah. And the big draw of this play was that Jeremy Piven was in it, playing the slick-talking Hollywood agent. So it was sort of like his famous role on Entourage, only it was in a Broadway David Mamet play. Doing very well, apparently, except that Jeremy Piven, first of all, he kept showing up like three minutes before curtain for a long time, which is not how you traditionally do it in the theater. Kind of do warm-ups.

in the theater. I don't do warm-ups. And then he just stopped showing up for a few days. And he dropped out after not showing up for like three days because his doctor told him, he said, because his doctor told him that he had elevated levels of mercury in his blood. And David Mamet released a statement the day that he dropped out saying, I've spoken with Jeremy on the phone.

Uh, and he tells me, uh, that he has to drop out because he has elevated levels of mercury in his blood. Um, I believe he is quitting show business to pursue a career as a thermometer. But what's even more amazing. So obviously mammoth doesn't think very highly of this

elevated mercury in the blood but uh uh piven piven's doctor makes this public statement because obviously no one but this is an absolutely absurd excuse to say that you're dropping out of a play because you have too much mercury in your blood um uh piven's doctor makes a public statement they're not sure exactly why he has elevated mercury in his blood but he does and it causes him to be very fatigued and late sure yeah yeah and they not be able to read a clock and they And they think the reason that he has elevated levels of mercury in his blood is that he eats sushi twice a day and has been doing so for many years. Two meals a day for breakfast, of course. Sure. Cheerios.

For lunch and dinner, sushi. Every day for many years. That's what his doctor said was the reason he probably had elevated my blood pressure. Yeah, that might have something to do with it. Whether or not... Okay, if that is true,

it is a truly spectacular tale of Hollywood insanity. If it is not, and it's just a lie that Jeremy Piven and his doctor came up with to tell the media, it's no less insane. It's hilarious if it's a lie. This man lives in a world where he can tell his employer he eats too much sushi so he can't show up on time.

Okay, anyway, we were talking about the production values of Cinemax. That was good. Anyway, also something that had not changed from these was the music. Right. The music, a lot of alto sax. Oh. A lot of flamenco guitar. And all those conventions resembled parody so much that there was no way for these to be sexy.

Anyways. So yeah, absolutely my warm feelings about late night cable nudity have been tainted. It's ridiculous. You know, this woman entered the holiday contest. I'm going to talk about it later in the show. But a great entry in the holiday contest with her son. And somebody on the forum asked, do you and your son both listen to Jordan Jesse Go? And she said, my son listens occasionally, not as much as you'd think he would, given how much talk there is about video games and masturbating

and i was riding in the car with theresa yesterday and i brought up this line that this woman had said because it's hilarious it's really fantastic and uh i think we've probably we've talked about both and i said do we really talk do we really talk about masturbation a lot and she and she kind of had to break it to me she's like well you don't really talk about masturbation a lot? And she kind of had to break it to me. She's like, well, you don't really talk about masturbation a lot, but it comes up pretty regularly. So there you have it. We got to do some video game stuff later in the show, but we got masturbation pretty well covered at this point, I would say.

Hey, Ash, what was that ooh you brought up? Oh, yes. Ash Kahn's ooh. About five minutes ago. Well. I think I was talking about kind of douchey actors getting together and having kind of douche actor talk. I don't know if that was what it was about. That is what sparked the memory. I don't know how much I'm actually allowed to disclose about this.

I just shot this pilot presentation of this show, and I think i signed some papers promising not to say anything about it but i think if i'm vague enough i could at least convey that yeah absolutely i i i shot this thing in which i was a rapping clown yeah and oh homie the clown the movie and uh it was it was uh jordan he didn't call me the clown the musical no he didn't rap though no he well he does in the musical though sure you're right But it was... Jordan, it's Homie the Clown the Musical. He didn't rap, though. No, well, he does in the musical, though. Sure, you're right. But I don't know how much further I can really... The characters in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels didn't sing in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels the movie,

but they did in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels the musical. Excuse me. I don't mean to interrupt your story about playing a rapping clown, Ashkahn. It's okay. I don't know how much I can get into it, but that's what I did a week and a half ago. It was a five-day shoot. And you guys were hanging out at the Olive Garden afterwards, and they were like, let's pretend that Ashkahn really is a rapping clown.

There was definitely a pretty hilarious element of when we were having trouble with the shoot and, like, things weren't going well, to be dressed up in full clown garb and, like, really pissed. Sure. And just talking very serious and just, like, there was actually a moment where I was, like, inside, sitting around. I had taken my clown shoes off and I was resting a little bit. And then I heard about something that had happened outside that that really had angered me and i wanted to go out there and and you know kind of

give somebody a piece of my mind and i but i had to put on my clown shoes first you can't go out barefoot i couldn't go out there so there was like this moment of me like really angrily putting on my clown shoes like yeah it was it was a good time though but yeah have you seen the video for uh what's up fat lip the fat lip song the fat lip solo single that was released like 10 years ago and the album never came out i haven't seen that so the what's up fat lip is basically a song from fat lip was a member of the uh the hit making rap group the far side so you know jordan and and his life kind of fell apart and basically the song is just about what a fucking loser he is and um uh and and how when the chorus is uh when people are like uh

what's uh who am i kidding who am i fooling when uh people are like what's am I kidding? Who am I fooling? When people are like, what's up, Fat Lip? And I say, coolin'. Because in fact, his life is a shambles. He's not coolin'. Yeah. And the video is Fat Lip dressed in a clown suit walking around, directed by Spike Jonze. Whoa. Watch it on YouTube.

It's Fat Lip dressed in a clown suit walking around being subjected to indignities. Wow. walking around being subjected to indignities. The best part is at one point he's riding a bicycle down the street that has one of those little toddler seats on it, on the back of it, like an empty toddler seat. He's just wrapping in a clown suit, riding a bike with a toddler seat on it. And at one point just this little kid comes up and kicks him in the balls. Oh, man. It's just spectacular. That's fun,

Jordan. That's fucking what a music video should be. Yeah. Get Fatlip, put him in a clown suit, get the Persian R. Kelly over here involved somehow. Yeah. Get Spike Jonze in there and just mix him up. Make a boule base. You know what I mean, Jordan? A gumbo, if you will.

Yeah, exactly. Anyway, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Ash Kesey. Celebrating the holidays here at Jordan, Jesse Goh with our friend Ash Kahn. This is our Christmas episode, I guess, huh?

Yeah, this is our Christmas episode because I'm going home for Christmas. Sure. Yeah, you're going to go home for Christmas? Yeah, sure. Going home for Christmas, Ash Kahn? Sure am. Absolutely. So that's what I'm talking about, you see?

Yeah, precisely. That's just the kind of thing I'm talking about. Talking about whistling. Talking about ho-ho-hoing. Sure. I'm talking about the holiday contest, Jordan. Yeah. Ashkahn, let me fill you in here.

I put $100 on the table. $100, Ashkahn. He's setting the mood. I was trying to... All right, yeah. This is... This is... This is not Home Alone 2, Ashkahn He's setting the mood This is This is not Home Alone 2 Ashkahn Damn it I'm in the wrong studio

And who's that old man Okay so I put $100 on the table You know what they say Money talks and bullshit walks That's what they say? Money talks and bullshit walks. That's what they say. Especially around the holidays. Santa Claus, Rudolph the Red-Nosed

Reindeer, the Jews that had the oil that lasted so long. They all say money talks and bullshit walks. I put $100 on the table. Holiday contest. Spirit of holiday awesome to be captured in holiday projects.

Okay? We've had some good ones so far. Yeah. Some very good ones, I would say. Jordan, what was your favorite so far? Gosh. Cookies that were mailed to us. That was great.

Somebody made us some really nice cookies. There was Apple Butter Day. A guy whose whole family gets together, makes t-shirts for the occasion, cooks apple butter in a giant, literally a cauldron. A literal cauldron. A lot of great stuff.

That guy keeps wondering if we've eaten the apple butter. I'm saving the apple butter for the next time I make cornbread, okay? Is that okay? Is that okay with you, Tree of Mike? Okay. What else happened?

All kinds of great stuff. Sure. Just great holiday-spirited stuff. And the rules of the game is, I got $100 on the table. I'm parceling it out as I see fit. I think I've given out, what so far? $40?

About $40. We don't really honestly remember how many of the $100 I've given out. So you're dividing it up. Estimating $40. Yeah. You're like, five here, ten here. This is worth about seven. Exactly.

But do you think that maybe the people that were doing the actual things thought they were up for a $100 prize? No, I made it clear. This is the rules. I divide it up as I see fit, and I give it out when I feel like giving it out. So they feel lucky when they get that five bucks. Exactly. Got it. They should know.

Their real joy is celebrating the spirit of Christmas. Mm-hmm. Okay? Mm-hmm. Now, on YouTube, a gentleman whose name is, I'm just going to double check that I'm not misrepresenting this guy's name. I'm not misrepresenting this guy's name. His name is Sea of Seed, which I guess means that he generates a lot of semen.

Sure. I don't know what else it could mean, right? Obviously. Yeah. Okay, so this fella decided to merge his two greatest holiday loves, which is turkey for Thanksgiving and reading. And he created a... Encouraging reading, especially encouraging reading in young people. So he created an animatronic holiday turkey. And the tail of the animatronic turkey turkey free bookmarks okay people who want to read

he's got a variety he's cruising around and you just take a bookmark exactly he's he's got a variety of different bookmarks um uh you know he's got uh he's for example right here we can see the free Mensa bookmark he's got there. Okay. The fan tail is bookmarks, Ashkahn. You look baffled, so I'm just explaining it to you real quick. It's an animatronic turkey like Abraham Lincoln in the Hall of Presidents. I see it. And it has a tail made out of bookmarks, and the bookmarks are to encourage young people to read.

Ashkahn, your look betrays that not only are you not impressed, but maybe you're a little appalled by this. It seems to have offended you in some way. The top looks like it's made out of... The face, it's got a face, and the face is made out of what appears to be... I'm guessing here, but it looks like it might be the top of a thing of sour cream.

What the hell is that thing? It's a turkey. See, it's got two eyes and a beak and gobblers. See, it's got gobblers on the top and under its beak. See the gobblers? Were the bookmarks made by children?

No, it's made by this grown man. Are you sure? Yeah, I've seen his video. I feel like we shouldn't be laughing because this guy is clearly no you see he's here's a i wasn't gonna say like that but you know special he made this thing and it it shakes a little bit he's got on in in this video which he's got linked on the uh the maximum fun form how much money did you give this guy?

He's wearing a holiday sweater. Well, I haven't gotten to that yet, Jordan. Okay. So he's wearing a holiday sweater. He's got on his... That thing looked much bigger in the picture. Santa Claus hat. No, it's a small.

It's a compact device. I thought... Wait, that's what we were looking at just before? Yeah. That is so deceiving. Okay, so we've got a cat lover's bookmark here. I thought we were looking at like a six foot... Oh, right, like a...

Something you could ride around. This one has a big city bookmark. He's got the big city bookmark. He's got a picture of a skyline and a latte. It actually makes it a lot less scary to me. He's got a lot of really cool bookmarks here. You were upset at the fact that this kind of man-sized art project

is just like walking around. Part of the thing is that he says it's animatronic and I don't see it doing anything. He's shaking the tail. I presume that it's robotic in some way. Yeah, the word animatronic gets bandied about a little too liberally these days, I would think. I can't decide whether that thing is creative.

It is creative because it captures the spirit of the holidays in an animatronic animal form, plus it encourages young people to read. I like that. Through the distribution of such bookmarks as Freemance, a bookmark. I hope there's no Disney Imagineers listening who are going to object to our misusing the term animatronic. Look, Jordan, I don't care if you work at Disney.

I don't care if you work at Chuck E. Cheese and you're in charge of the animatronic band. I have an old friend that robbed Chuck E. Cheese and he was Chuck E. Cheese. What? He waited in Chuck E. Cheese after Chuck E. Cheese closed. He hid in the balls. I swear to God.

He hid in the balls. You know the balls. The ball pit. The ball pit, sure. The ball pit. He hid in the balls. So he's God. He hid in the balls. You know, the balls. The ball pit. Right. The ball pit. The ball pit. He hid in the ball pit. So he's like, well, I'm going home.

And then he just laid down in the ball pit. Yeah. This really happened. Was he still wearing his Chuck E. Cheese outfit? I almost feel like I've told this story already on Jordan's Dressing Go. But yeah, I mean, that's really the extent of it. He wasn't truly a friend of mine, but he was a classmate of mine. Nor was he a friend of Chuck E. Cheese, yeah he robbed chucky cheese at he was it was already a joke when we found out that he

was chucky cheese and like was wearing the costume at our local oh this guy we know yeah he's now you know we had heard it a couple of years later and then and then like no is that his and then when you do that is that your only job at chucky. Cheese? Or is that just – do they – Rotate? Yeah, for some reason I would think that you just show up, you Chuck E. Cheese around. You're Chuck E. That's what's up. So he was Chuck E. Cheese and then, you know, so we had all heard that. And then a few months later it was like, yeah, did he hear he got busted for robbing Chuck E. Cheese?

Oh, he got caught. Yeah, he got caught. What happened? Did a kid who was there after hours jumped into the ball pit? Yeah. Ah! I don't know how he got caught. What happened? Did a kid who was there after hours jumped into the ball pit? Yeah. Ah! I don't know how he got caught. I mean, I imagine there were alarms

and safes and a whole bunch of things. Chuck E. Cheese is a fairly organized establishment. It seems more like... He was after the money. He wasn't after the pencil toppers and the mountain bike. It seems more like this setup of a Kevin Smith film than an actual crime that one could commit. It's pretty unbelievable.

Yeah, I don't know about that. Okay, so anyway, so this guy built an animatronic turkey for the holidays. What do you mean you don't know about that? I don't know about that. It's questionable behavior. You think it might be a fake story? No, I think it's a real story. All right. I think it's at least. It's questionable behavior. You think it might be a fake story? No, I think it's a real story.

All right. I think it's at least from you it's real. I hope that it's real. It's the holidays. No reason to believe it's not real. No reason to believe it's not real. Absolutely not. There's some reason to believe it's not real. Because it's ridiculous.

He hit the ball pit. Yeah. I think that's the only part that could be not true but but there's not a prayer that i'm not gonna tell it with that part of the story you're like yeah i heard he was in the ball pit he like laid there i'm like oh crazy he had a he had a he had a bendy straw sticking up just barely so he could breathe so he didn't suffocate. Or even better, a crazy straw. Yeah, sure. Okay, so I hereby

I've got $60 left. I'm giving $10 to the gentleman with the animatronic turkey. Sure. All he's got to do, email me, gentleman with the animatronic turkey, email me $10. PayPal me $10, email me $10.

PayPal me $10. Email me $10. Send me your name and address. I will have my bank cut you a check. That's the best part of this whole thing. My bank cuts the check. We're talking about official bank checks here. There you go.

This is high quality. You look like a big shot when you go in to cash those. Now, Jordan, that captures the spirit of the holidays. That was a great entry, and I thought between that and the other really cool stuff, a lot of people posted their cool holiday cards that they make, which is always really nice. Somebody posted a cool holiday song. I was like, we've pretty much got the bases covered for capturing the spirit of the holiday and the spirit of holiday awesome specifically we're done you know what what am i going to do

with this extra 50 i still have in the pot you know what i mean i could go back and give more money the apple butter guy you know because that's so good right but then something amazing happened something that i would not hesitate in calling a Christmas miracle. Wow. Blue False Indigo signs up for the Maximum Fun Board. I don't know much about this woman. I know that she has a 14-year-old son. And they both are so profoundly infused with the spirit of holiday awesome,

they're like a bacon-infused vodka of holiday awesome. That's how amazing this family is, this woman and her son. Now, I don't know what you guys were like when you were 14 years old, but when I was 14 years old, I was a little bit alienated from my parents. I had a hard time finding stuff that I could share with my parents because I felt they didn't understand me. Yeah, I had an element of that. Yeah, sure.

Occasionally, I would fight with my parents. Yell fight. We would exchange yells. Exactly. I was pretty mild-mannered i was pretty okay well behaved but watching real sex in his room yeah keep into himself yeah sure i snuck off to watch a little real sex every now and then but other than that you whenever you got whenever you got a little edgy you had something to take the edge off sure exactly These two people, this young man and his mother, have created something so spectacular, it can only be described as a pure distillation of the spirit of holiday awesome.

Let me tell you about what they have. They have created a gingerbread house, which is undoubtedly the number one Christmas-themed craft project. Okay. Because it involves architecture, baking, and the consumption of baked goods. Three of the most important parts of the holiday experience. Okay. Okay. Architects.

So it started out really well. Jesus was the first architect. I don't know if you knew that. That's what they call him. In a manger, Ashton. I don't know if you have mangers. Was he an architect or a carpenter? I thought he was a carpenter.

There's elements of architecture in carpentry. There's three kings. But I think he was more one of the people. Ashton, look at it this way. Ashkahn, look at it this way. Look at it this way. The three wise men followed the North Star to the manger

where Jesus was born. So there's these... I don't know, Jesse. He's got a point. There's these... Anytime you're making a really high quality... You're offending me with all this Christian talk. Anytime you're making a really high quality... You're offending me with all this Christian talk.

Anytime you're making a really... Yeah, Jesse, sorry. Sorry, this podcast can't be your pulpit. From which to preach. Next time you have a Persian on your show, you should be a little more sensitive. Yeah. Sorry.

Here, have some yogurt, dipshit. All right. Okay, so... Have some yogurt and dipshit. All right. Okay, so... Have some yogurt and then do your veil dance. See if I share any of my opium with you. Anytime you're building something out of gingerbread and it's going to be complex, you're already like a 7 out of 10 on the holiday awesome scale.

Now, here's something that a lot of people don't know about. One theme you can have for your gingerbread house is like a Thomas Kinkade painting style, you know, warm hearth, holiday snow kind of thing. Pastoral. Pastoral, exactly. That's a general, that's the typical theme you'd find in a gingerbread house. But it's not the only theme you for entering and winning gingerbread house contests. She won many in her time, if I remember correctly. And she always had a theme. And I think one year, for example, she built a Greek temple in gingerbread.

Wow. Now, so I know that a theme can be incorporated into the gingerbread house building situation. Thinking outside the bread, they call it. Exactly. That's good. Thanks. Blue false indigo. Blue false indigo and her son have created a gingerbread house with the theme zombie apocalypse. Here's some of the elements they have.

Zombie gingerbread men. Okay. How are they zombied? They have frosting and sort of angry, sad faces. Okay. And they also are stretching their arms out in front of them. In a three-dimensional way. Okay.

Which is pretty remarkable. Also, some of them are missing legs and arms. Great. Now, they have a little graveyard in the corner, way okay which is pretty remarkable uh also some of them are missing legs and arms great now they have a little graveyard in the corner a gingerbread graveyard in the corner that's where the zombies are coming you can see the zombies coming out of the graves uh you know like pulling their their torsos above the grades the graves um they've got humans humanbread men, who are making a last stand on top of the roof of the gingerbread house with gingerbread shotguns. Wow.

They've got zombies everywhere. One of the amazing things, they've got one of these humans is freaked out. He's running back to the back entrance of the house. He's got zombies on his tail. Oh, shit, though. The back entrance of the house has been boarded up by the survivors inside the house and they're not letting him in. So he's going to get eaten by the zombies and turned into a zombie. They've got the roof of the house is, of course, snow covered with frosting, white frosting, as you

would any gingerbread house. They've got SOS spelled out on it in Skittles because the humans who have survived this zombie onslaught, they need any help. They're waiting for a chopper. They're hoping for a rescue from a chopper or what have you. I think they're going to end up having to fight it out. Now, I'll grant you, do these shotguns look a little bit like maybe a sitar?

Yes. Yes, they do. But the simple fact that they created methods for making three-dimensional gingerbread men, gingerbread men who could reach out in front of them, either because they're looking for brains, or because they're so shocked and dismayed that they can't get into the back door of the gingerbread house.

$50! $50 American to this young woman and her son. All they have to do is email me their name and address. I'll send it to them. If I was apple butter, I'd be pissed right about now. They should spend it.

Well, you know what? Fuck you, Apple Butter. Sorry, Tree of Light. This is something special. That was a family tradition. This is something they created specifically for our holiday contest. They knew that they had to deliver a coup de holiday grass to the rest of the field. And they did it with this fucking zombie shit right here.

It's awesome. It's actually. I didn't know you could get. It is awesome. I didn't know that you could get this hyped about zombies, Jesse. I wasn't. I didn't. I thought that was kind of not your.

I'm not even a zombie guy. I know what awesome is when I see it, Jordan. Sure. Okay. Number one. And number two, most zombies I'm scared of, I'm not scared of gingerbread zombies. So that's two reasons

why I can get excited about this right here. You know what I mean? I feel you. I would think, yeah, I would think for you to get this excited, it would have to be like a gingerbread baseball player from the 80s. 1989 San Francisco Giants.

Sure. Like a gingerbread Scotty Gorel, Don Caveman Robinson and Rick Big Daddy Rushall. Sure. Perhaps Steve Bedrock Bedrosian. Or Dave Drevecky. Closing things out. Jose Uribe. The Gingerbread

Dave Drevecky only has one arm. He lost his other one to cancer. Ken Oberkfell? Yeah, Ken Oberkfell! See? Ken Oberkfell, Jordan! Ashkahn said Ken Oberk fell? Yeah, Ken Oberk fell! See? Ken Oberk fell, Jordan! Ashkahn said Ken Oberk fell! I don't... Yeah, I guess he did. He sure did!

Okay. I'm sorry. I opened up a can of worms. Did you already say Candy Maldonado? No, I was about to say Candy Maldonado! How amazing is that name? Oh, man. I don't know. I was just trying to say that I applaud Jesse for maybe going outside his comfort zone and getting enthused about something zombie related. Okay.

Do you like zombies, Jordan? Yeah, I do. I like them a lot. I think you do. I think I knew that. Yeah. Okay. Well, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Goehm, Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Ash Kahn. Or as we know him, Candy Maldonado. That's going to start being my alias. That would be high. A.K.A. Candy Maldonado. I'm going to do a whole Candy Maldonado album.

This is like when... Doesn't Beyonce have an A.K.A. these days? Yeah, Sasha Fierce. What if her... What if you did a collab-o with Beyonce? It's Ashkahn, A.K.A. Candy Maldonado. What if you did a collabo with Beyonce? It's Ashkahn, a.k.a. Candy Maldonado, and Beyonce, a.k.a. Sasha Fierce, a.k.a. Willie McGee,

the ugliest man in baseball. So this is kind of a tradition that musicians have. Who else? Naming players from the 1989, 1990, 1991. I was going to say adopting an alias when you want to move in a different artistic direction. Yeah, well, you should go with... Your Chris Gaineses, your Ziggy Stardust. Jordan, what about this one for you?

Jordan Morris, a.k.a. Jeffrey Hackman Leonard. I don't know. I can't... Is that something you mightman Leonard I don't know I can't Is that something you might enjoy? I don't know any of these baseball guys I'm trying to have a more general discussion I can't participate in this baseball talk Comedy comes from specifics, Jordan

You know that Okay, just start saying baseball guys I'll just be over here laying on the couch I thought you were doing good at the alias talk I was just going to say That was something you felt comfortable with. Ashkahn, you remember 1989 superstar, first baseman Will Clark, right? My favorite baseball player of all time.

You know his middle name is Neusler. Do you guys want anything from the kitchen? Jordan, I thought of an AKA for you, Neusler. My first band in college was named after Will Clark. We were called The Thrill. Yeah, that's what I like to hear. Okay, go ahead, Jordan. Whatever stupid fucking non-sports thing you are going to talk about.

No, you're not even talking about sports. You're just saying names of baseball players. I would be fine if this was a sports discussion. That's maybe something. This is just saying names of things. I was just going to say, if you do have an alias. Atlee Hammacher. Atlee Hammacher.

Why were their names all so weird? I don't know. Atlee Hammacher was from the Netherlands. He was Dutch. Sorry, Jordan. Wait, Ashkahn wanted to say something about honey-baked hams. I'm done with what you're talking about. Honey-baked hams is the subject of the day.

All right. Well, I saw, while you were scrolling through some of the pictures of that gingerbread house, I saw a honey-baked ham graphic, and it reminded me. I went to a holiday party. Yeah. This is recently. Last week. Last weekend. graphic and it reminded me i went to a holiday party yeah this is recently last week last weekend and um i had said earlier when my friend said she was having a holiday party it was a few weeks earlier i was like i'm gonna bake a ham i'm gonna bake a ham for that shit right right just like

that your friend seems a little aggressive no that's what i said oh you were saying that okay and i said you seem a little aggressive i I was. I aggressively proclaimed that I was going to bake this ham. You specifically seem aggressive with regard to ham baking. I was like, I'm going to bake this ham. Right? Motherfucking ham? I'm going to bake this fucking ham. So the day came, and it was time for the...

Obviously, it was a few hours before, and I still hadn't baked this ham. How long do you assume it takes to make a hand well i bought a fully cooked ham okay which is i get you know there's only two ways to go you either get the you know the fully or partially cooked ham that you can get at ralph's or you get a totally fresh hand which is a huge process that yeah it's never anything i had really got to order into. You've got to order it from your butcher. Yeah. So I didn't do all that. You were going to bake that shit, though. Yeah. I was still going to throw that shit in, make some glaze.

It's all in the glaze. Absolutely, no doubt. Wait, you're making your own glaze? Yeah. And that was key. You're making glasses in that? Yeah, and that was key. That's key to the story. So I was with my friend, my good friend and rapper, PZ.

He's from the Bay Area as well. And he was staying in town with me for the evening, me and my girlfriend. And the three of us were going to go to this holiday party. So we spent a while, or me and my girlfriend did, you know, I was baking the ham. She was making a sweet potato casserole. I think I know what that means. Huh, Jordan? Mm-hmm. Go ahead.

Boom. Holla. I believe you were saying, as Domino once sang, give me another piece of that sweet potato pie. That was good. So there had been this whole kind of a buildup to the baking of the ham. Like I was in the studio working with PZ.

We were working on a track and, and I knew I still had to bake the ham. It was looming in the future. She'd been building this ham up too. And, and, and I didn't know if I was going to have enough time. It was really stressing me out. And, and, um, my girl came by the studio and she's like, do you need me to just bake the ham? You know?

And I was like, no, it's fine. Like, I know it. She's like, well, should I look up recipes? And I was like, I got it. Like, I got it. She said, like, do you need me to just bake the ham? And I was like, no, it's fine. I know it. She's like, well, should I look up recipes? And I was like, I got it. I got it. She's like, well, do you need me to prepare anything? You had the ham game on lock. Yeah.

She's like, do you need me to prepare anything? So at this point, the ham is maybe even kind of a symbol for your masculinity. Absolutely. And your girlfriend's stepping in and saying, hey, I can do some of this ham stuff. I'm like, no. And I say, no. You know what? I got it.

I'm like, it's pretty much all in the glove. It's like Ashton saying, I can do some of this ham stuff. I was, like, saying no. And I said no. You know what? I got it. I'm like, it's pretty much all in the glove. It's like Ashton saying, I can bake my dick. Sure, right. Exactly. I can put a glaze. I can bake my own cock over here. I can glaze my own dick. Yeah.

So there was, like, one moment in particular where, and I said it really seriously, I was just like, it's pretty much all about the glaze. And, like, both her and my friend PC kind of laughed at me in this comment. Just like, all right then. Okay. All right. It's all about the glaze.

So in any case, I went shopping, got all these different things. It cost way too much money to bake a ham. Yeah. I was really set back by this. It was like $100. Yeah. I mean, I got a lot of accessory things. You had to get a ham pan. Yeah, I got a nice

pan. I figured we'd need it anyway. Anyway, so we spent all this time. I bake this ham. Get the glaze all perfect. I'm basting it and cooking it in its own juices. Are you involving pineapples at all? Are you putting pineapple rings on top? No, it was kind of an orange

maple syrup basedbased ham. There was a little bit of orange marmalade, some maple syrup, and some cloves and whatnot. It was delicious. Sure. Very nice. A little yogurt. A little cinnamon. Yeah.

A little bit of yogurt sauce. A cobra. A charmed cobra. A cobra, a charmed cobra. But I was actually drinking a King Cobra, a 40-year-old King Cobra, while making the ham. Sure. Oh, there was a little Jack Daniels in the ham glaze. But anyway, we show up to this freaking party, and it just took so long to finally get everything going.

And we're out of the house, and we're going, and it's like 11 o'clock, we get there. And luckily, I think there was kind of a later night crowd it wasn't like we had showed up three hours after everyone had eaten everything we showed up right along pace with the party and had this new round of delicious goods and and uh the ham was a big hit why wouldn't it be everyone was really into the ham. You just got to have such a good glaze. I'd never baked it. And that's what it was kind of all about. I was like, oh, the glaze is awesome. And I kind of felt the need to have a piece of ham with everybody.

Oh, sure. Having been the ham baker. The spoils of war. So I'm having all sorts of ham. And every piece, I'm kind of dipping in the glaze to get it extra juicy. Yeah, sure. And I had about three or four chocolate chip cookies and a few chocolate truffles and some of the sweet potato casserole. And before you know it, I'm hurting.

You were all messed up and you did not know why. I was all bad. And so was my girl. And we're outside and we're just sitting there like, man, this is all bad. I feel terrible. And she's like, I feel terrible too. And I'm like, I don't even know. I think I might need a power nap.

And to be clear, if you got to this party at 11 o'clock, you're talking about taking a power nap at maybe 2, 3 o'clock in the morning. No, this is at like midnight. Okay. So this is at like midnight okay so this is it like midnight we're like i think i might need a power nap she's like she's like well you know and we're parked literally right in front of the party um the whole party is like very front porch oriented yeah and we got the spot right in front of the front porch so like if you guys like if

you guys leave everybody's gonna see it well not only that the dilemma not only that but i was considering taking a power nap in the car okay and i was really considering it and then and she was kind of like no and then my friend pz comes he comes from inside the house he comes outside he's like where the hell have you guys been you know and we're like oh man i was just sitting here pondering a power nap and he's like oh man there's nothing more that i want right now than a power nap. So this kind of like threw a twist and everything. Whereas before the power nap, it seemed like my ridiculous suggestion. Right. Now that my friend has also –

You've got a cosign on this. I've got a straight cosign on the power nap. This has gone from a solo project to a collab-o. So now I'm almost leaning more against the power nap because these are actually my friends. Yeah. We're all here. I'm like, we're not really going to power nap. But then like now my girlfriend has moved into like – she's like, so are we going to take a nap or what?

She's moved into the now number one advocate of the nap. Yeah. Well, you sold it to her. Yeah. And I think particularly once PC was okay with it, she didn't think it was just her weird boyfriend that would power nap in front of a party. She was like, oh, this is acceptable. Right. We can do this.

Yeah. And she was like, really? That's all I want to do, too. So the three of us get in the car, put our seat back, and we have an orgy. No, I'm just kidding. You're right there in front of the party. That was almost a callback from the last show. But no, we're right in front of the party, and we all sleep.

It was an orgy-astic celebration of the power nap. Yeah. So one in the driver's seat, one in the passenger seat, one along the back. Yeah, I'm in the driver's seat, in the passenger i'm gonna drive one along the back yeah okay driver's seat girlfriend in the passenger seat uh pz is a very tall tall fellow and he's all kind of like scrunched up in the back i had a bunch of stuff in the back but he's super comfortable he falls asleep quicker than than both of us we ultimately all three of us do fall asleep and um and i woke up maybe i think 15 20 minutes later and i'm like i gotta get my ass back into this party. Like this is ridiculous.

This is just straight ridiculous. I go in for a minute and I honestly feel worse than I had before. I had went to sleep and I was like – I looked at the clock at a certain point. It was like almost 1 and I was like, you know what? Like it's totally acceptable for us to leave this party at this point. So really that was it. I saw a couple people who asked where were you um you know one of them i said i was just around the corner and just oh

i just went outside for a minute somebody else i said like ah yeah funny i actually just took a power nap in the car yeah they're just like they're like all of you and they're like yeah like that's really weird you know like kind of made me realize I didn't want to talk about that to everybody. Yeah. Save that for the podcast, right? Right. So anyhow, we decide it's time to go. I get back to the car.

I'm heading home, and on the way home, I'm gagging on the drive home. PZ is still asleep in the backseat, and my girlfriend's really getting on me for being overdramatic. She's just like, just stop it. You're psyching yourself out. You're fine. Do you have a long drive ahead of you?

No, I mean, we're talking like maybe eight to ten minutes. Okay. But I could be as short as seven, could be as long as 11 though it could be depending on traffic yeah if you hit the lights right in any case um i'm just really sick on the way home feeling very sick um and right when we get home i've been saying it the whole time and and kind of not really being believed. But we get there. I open up the door for PZ in the back seat. He's like, where are we?

I'm like, we're back at home. He goes, oh, thank God. And then I say, I'm about to violently puke. And he's like, what? And then I take a couple of steps. And then I take a couple of steps, and just it's like yams and ham, just intense, hardcore projectile, like really violently up against. You're in the living room at this point, right? Where are you? This is up against this tree right by the car. Oh, okay.

But, yeah, ultimately, there's this really funny moment. I don't know. The brunt of the story is already told, but there is this one kind of golden moment where I'm leaning over, and I'm throwing up, and my girlfriend and PZ, they're kind of walking away now towards you know, like towards the house. And I say, as I'm leaning down, I'm like, go. I found out later that PZ had thought I had said yo. So he starts walking back towards me.

And my girlfriend, Anna, follows. And so they start walking back and then there's and then i look up at them and i see them like coming towards me and i just give this really angry aggressive like go yeah you don't want you don't want them seeing you puke you're vulnerable you know and it was just funny that you know i i had said go and then they were walking towards me and i i was so angry at that and it was just one of those moments i said just go they all they're like whoa okay you know we're yeah like you're not you're not their freak show here to entertain them with your weird vomiting right so anyway they left i went and got a seven up from the liquor store came back

in totally chipper i was offering they later made fun of me for offering them seven up when i showed back up at home i'm all hey guys what's up you know totally chipper like all all good i'm sure like oh man this seven up is delicious you guys needed more of a power barf yeah i think i think that's the moral of this story ultimately yeah, I needed a power board. Do you blame the ham? You know, I blame the king cobra and the glaze. Okay, sure.

Jordan, can you open that box for us? Yes. We need to clear our palates here. Okay. Metaphorically speaking. Do you want me to read this note? Yeah, sure, read it. Go for it.

I don't know what this is. This is a box sitting over here. There's a note attached. Jordan and Jesse, my fiance and I love your podcast. Keep it up. Here are a few ornaments I make for Christmas gifts. I use pine cones and pods from around my parents' house in Sugarland, Texas, outside of Houston. They're fragile, open carefully, and I'm sorry in advance if anything moves moke.

If anything moke. Sure. I've never shipped them before. Anyways, thanks for the very entertaining podcast, and have a happy holiday. Kristen Alto. Oh, thank you, Kristen. All right. I have saved these.

I opened the box, saw the note, and decided to save them and not open them until we were here. And we needed to celebrate the spirit of Christmas. Oh, wow. Here's a pine cone angel. Oh, very nice pine cone angel. Is this something that maybe deserves some money? Can I see that? Are you upset?

There's no more money. Let's finish opening it. Let's finish opening it. Ash Kahn. You can see that piney angel. There's a pine angel there. But there's no money left, right? Well, let's find out.

Let's take a look at these pine cones. You're going to suddenly take away from the gingerbread guy? Let's take a look at these pine cones and see here. Oh, okay. Here's a pine cone reindeer. That is awesome. Oh, very nice. It's got little nut heads.

It's got little stick legs, twig legs, and a nut head. Sure. He stands on the twig legs. Wow. Fully standable. That's engineering, Jordan. Yeah. That says Jesus Christ caliber engineering.

That is amazing. I mean, you have to go back. He was the first engineer, you know. You have to go back to the first engineer ever. You know what I mean? Just think of it this way. I don't know if you know about Jesus, but just think of it this way. There was no room at the inn, so they had to sleep in the manger.

Oh. You got it. I got you. Spike ball wreath. Oh. You got it. I got you. Spike ball wreath. Oh, a very nice spike ball wreath. Oh, man. This is so wonderful. You know how wonderful I think this is, Jordan?

Extremely. You know how wonderful I think this fucking... Eight bucks. Ten dollars in bonus cash! Wow. Bonus cash. I am past a hundred dollars. $10 in bonus cash Wow I am giving past $100 I am giving more than $100 of my own money

We'll be back in just a second Wait, there's one more Oh, what's this one? Boxy Oh, it's a boxy Oh, it's a Christmas gift It's a Christmas gift I don't think we're supposed to open it, though.

I think it just represents a Christmas gift. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Ashkahn is not only leaning in the chair my great-granduncle made with his own two hands, he's leaning into a lamp that's directly behind him and pushing it into the wall. We'll be back in just

a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Ashkahn Dabaron. You know what? It's the holidays. We're going away to Christmas. Going home to visit our families.

Going home to Christmas college. That's what I call it. Going to get an associate's degree in holiday cheer. That's funny, right? Associate's degree in holiday cheer. It's pretty good. Christmas college. Actually, I'm going to Christmas college,

but I'm actually getting my degree in law enforcement. Oh, that's sensible. Nice. I thought about Homeland Security. You make $50,000 in the first year. Yeah, that's sensible. Nice. I thought about homeland security. You make $50,000 in the first year. Yeah, that's what I've heard. Law enforcement, I'm really interested in. I'm a lot like Shaq in that sense.

Me and Shaq are both interested in going into law enforcement once our current careers are over. It's a wonderful time of year. I think we're sort of saying goodbye to 2008, welcoming in 2009. We obviously won't have a show next week. It's Christmas, but hopefully this is so much show that we didn't even take any calls because we had so much exciting, dynamic content. Exciting barf-related content.

We didn't even talk about the strange drifter that I met in the laundry room of my apartment building yeah we're skipping that we're saving it for next time jordan can you can you write that in there we're teasing yeah we're teasing the drifter next week on the program we talk about the drifter i met in the laundry building of my apartment the one thing that i do want to talk about before we go is ashkahn has has a bunch of new projects coming out, one of which is, if I understand him correctly, a collaboration with a street, a prostitute,

a streetwalker. Now tell me if I'm getting that correct. You're close. Okay. Ashkahn, in order to afford to record his new project, has become a prostitute. So, um... Ashkahn, in order to afford to record his new project, has become a prostitute. So, um... Ashkahn will have sex with you for 50 bucks.

That's pretty much what I'm here to promote. Yeah. You're doing my side project. Yeah. It's the Candy Maldonado album. Yeah. And by album, you mean sexual... Sex acts that people pay to have performed on them.

Yeah. Absolutely. Like, he'll say, somebody will come in and say, give me an Uribe. You know, give me a Terry Kennedy. Give me a Kurt Manwaring. Kurt Manwaring. All right. Go ahead.

Would you like it if I started naming Sega Genesis video games? Yeah. Joe Montana Football. Joe Montana football. Joe Montana sports. Super Monaco GP, guys. Alex Kidd in the Enchanted Castle. Altered Beast. It's not fun for anyone.

Not fun for you guys. Not fun for the listeners. Echo the Dolphin 2. Sure. Okay, go ahead. Okay. go ahead. Okay. All right.

What am I talking about? We're talking about this new song. Okay, I'm going to talk about this song. This song... You can talk about your man-whoring if you want to, but we've already done a lot of explicit stuff on this show. That's true. Well, I do... There's a lot of new projects that I have coming out i don't know that this

necessarily falls under projects that i'm putting out but it's something cool that happened um okay i have this uh music studio that i've been been working in in hollywood and and i was uh i was up on the sunset strip seeing a show at the roxy my friends were playing or on the rocks anyway and I showed up over there and um my girlfriend was working uh the show like working at the door or something and and I showed up and she had been talking to this guy for a while seemed like a cool dude um he was like selling incense at this in front of the spot but he was like a cool dude well well he was like selling incense in front of the spot. Sounds like a cool dude. Well, he was. He was a cool dude.

He was like, you could tell he was like street person, but totally, totally like just legit in the art of conversation. Sure. And he was just a cool dude. Had a good head on his shoulders. So we were talking for a while. And I guess my girlfriend had told him that I was a musician. And he had told her, like, well, I used to do music or whatever. And I ended up getting to talking to him a little bit.

And he had done some time and was kind of recently back out and had been living on the streets and, you know, he hand makes his own incense. They're actually really nice, you know, but that's like what he's doing to kind of stay afloat. But I got the sense. I wasn't sure at first whether he was living on the streets or not. But in any case, I think he just he is right now. But he used to MC and like do a lot of stuff in the L.A. scene and, you know, mess with like DJ Quick back in the day and whatnot. And he said that while he was away, naturally, all he had been doing was writing. And he had just had hundreds and hundreds of songs that he had been working on. And I asked him if there was anywhere to hear any of his stuff.

And he was like, man, really, there isn't. He was like, I mean, I could spit something for you. I'm always open for that. So he got a little beatbox going and and he he you know busted a little verse and and he was good you know you have these you know i've had conversations similar with you know street people that want to be musicians and it's like maybe kind of good in a charming way but not necessarily really good and i was like dude this guy really has flow you know like it was it was it was tight and he had a really cool style. And, um, so I told him to meet me, um,

out front of the Trader Joe's on Santa Monica in like two days, um, at noon and that we would go and we would record a song together. And he was naturally like really, really pumped about this. And, um, so a couple of days later showed up, I was really, really hoping about this. And so a couple of days later, showed up. I was really, really hoping that he would be there for just both of our sake and just to have faith and stuff. And he was there just on the nose. I showed up there and he was there. And we went to the studio and my boy Lester, aka Traction, he's a great producer, and we cycled through his library of beats, found one that worked for him, and he did this song. It took two or three hours or so.

I played a little guitar on it. It's the first of what we plan to be three or four songs that we're going to do for Style. Style is his MC name. We're going to try to set him up with a little MySpace page and just get him a little space where he can at least direct people to his music.

And it's hot. It sounds very, very genuinely like it's already kind of a part of hip-hop history, which is kind of crazy. It's like you'd be hard-pressed not to believe that this song already existed

and was a big record at some point. That's the way I kind of feel about it. So I don't know. If we want to let the listeners hear this song, I wouldn't mind talking about just a couple of little things that I have coming up early in the next year, but maybe we should play the song first.

We're going to use this song as the outro. So you've got your records coming out early next year, right? Yeah, it should be like March or April. And you have the Hula Hoop videos up on YouTube right now. So if you search for it. It's not actually. I'm sorry? It's not actually.

Excuse me? Baking powder? I do have this new video that I've kind of been sitting on for a little while until we kind of had the timeline a little bit more straight for the record and got a little bit of radio marketing intact. But there's this song. Right now you can see

the video at www.ashkhanhulahoop.com ashkhanhulahoop.com And there's some pictures from the video too. We're going to be going live with it on YouTube in probably like three or four weeks. The album is like March or April. Anyway, you guys should check it out, see what you think.

And your MySpace is ashkahn.com slash myspace.com slash ashkahn1. Slash ashkahn1. There's some good stuff over there. We're working on right now, we've been doing a kind of a mail-out of a bunch of free tracks over the last couple of months. And we're going to combine the best of the tracks into a mixtape that will be promoting the album. As I understand, it's the Ashcon Broadway era, if I'm not mistaken. Exactly. It is. And we did about five or six weeks of mail outs of the Ashcon Broadway specials.

And we've taken a few weeks off to kind of re-put together our mailing list and make it people that we feel like are kind of actually going to open the mail and that are interested. So getting rid of kind of the spam type addresses that addresses that we had we don't want to bother anybody okay but if you if you guys are interested in any any uh any free music you can feel free to hit me up on myspace and give me your email or whatever and we'll get you some free stuff there you go that's what i like to hear yeah right people up right uh our Our theme music is Love You by the Free Design, courtesy of Light in the Attic Records. I'm Jesse. This is Jordan.

We'll see you in about two weeks, and I promise we'll take your calls. We've got so many calls. Yeah. Lots of great calls, but just too much great content. What with Ashkahn being here and all. Oh, of course. Ashkahn is the guest of the year.

Have you heard about this? No, I haven't. Have the people voted? Yeah, guest of the year. It's unanimous. It's a unanimous vote. Congratulations. Gu guest of the year Have you heard about this? No, I haven't It's unanimous Congratulations That's great, man I was kind of jockeying for that But, you know, I couldn't have gone to a nicer guy

It's fine, you're a co-host of the year, Jordan Aw, thanks, Jesse No problem I'm a little disappointed I didn't win But, you know, people like you, you're more adorable Yeah, and I'm getting old So I'm going to. Yeah. But, you know, people like you, you're more adorable. Yeah. And I'm getting old, so I'm going to, like, die soon.

I think this is one of those, you know. Yeah, absolutely. If we don't give it to them now. Right, right, right. They want me to have it. You're also less burdened by exposition. Sure. You know, a largely expositional character that I play on the program. Yeah, I just get to flaunt my chops.

Okay, so the song is by Style with Ashkahn on the guitar, produced by Traction. Yes. What's it called? Shadows of Death. Okay, here we go. Shadows of Death. We'll see you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Yeah, this is for you folks.

You get caught up, you don't know who your homeboy is, what's going down on the streets or what. But I mean, yo, the heart and mind, it's a terrible thing to waste. That's why you die. That's why to waste. That's why you die. That's why you live. That's why you grow. That's why you lay it out. It's called the shadows of the deaf, huh?

Reflexes up an hourglass, time standing still. If only for a moment or until I can give another minute to admit it. Sisters' murders made me tense. I witnessed many victims. We're present now past tense. The palms of my hands, it's wet from the sweat. While my shadow called death plays Russian roulette I'm here, voices in my head that coincide with life

I'm not a fool, so instead I take my own advice Could be judged by betrayal, but not carried by the stakes Throwing dirt on my captain, you can mask it like the bitches Just to say the very day might be my last war to earth I was pillaged with dishonest, but then after my birth A calculation somewhat harsh, it all depends how you feel Because it's meant to call formality reality kills To bite the bullet at my age at the station of gain

Quicksilver blicks toward a pigeon, tell me who can I blame I fight the urge to eat murder from this hell-tricken path I watch the news, different views, well I see it's bloodbath My road dogs, they are the shuttles of my death My road dogs, they are the shuttles of my death My road dogs, they are the shuttles from my Jeff I repeat my road dogs They are the shuttles from my Jeff They are the shuttles from my Jeff I repeat my road dogs

They are the shuttles from my Jeff We have to roll with the punches up in Zungali's sin Too many corpses, evil forces, infantility win Posada tears up the tarp, they always say to be tut Memories never fit cause mama makes s*** too much Your only son is alone There's no goddess in his home, his heart is cold Made his throne on the street where he roams

He doesn't listen to his mother, she worries late at night She's on her knees, on her plan, hoping you'll be alright When I get distant from her soul, you mentally can't control And as you step, you will increase, what's about to unfold The grim reaper is your keeper, surely, death only knows Time has come, you'll be one because you reap what you sow It's got a dream, or it's somehow surrounded by depression There's less than without question when we stop a flipping lesson

No means to no ends, no conscience to be loathed Avowed to darkness with no roots, gains of wisdom always come My road knows, they are the shadows of my death They are the shadows of my death My road knows, they are the shadows of my death They are the shadows of my death My road knows, they are the shadows of my death They are the shadows of my death They are the shadows of my death As I gaze into the darkness each emotion unfolds

Mirrors to my soul of the eyes of foretold What human nature in relationship with those at all costs, am I lost, mentally, gentley, false I'm a fugitive of the land, constructed not so kind I don't appreciate life, it's depicted by my mind True or choose, and I prove, only lose, this is wake Every time, it must justify the purpose of my hate As I listen to the rain, I feel soaked, so aware What's the difference in a game, with no purpose, that's a get

But the search, there's plain many tears from the heart It's reality defined on the line torn apart Picture death taking form in a lie of sentence No conclusion many bits perhaps of a resume Make me kill and I will to survive The I can see that's no distance no resistance Only harmony in me to deceive By all means there's no trust to create

Any bond which can build to produce something great My road dog, they all the shadows of my death They all the shadows of my death My road dog, they all the shadows of my death We'll see playing no games. We give it to you raw and it's real. Understand me? Hopefully you can feel it. If not, then oh well. They say, can two birds of a feather walk together and not be joined? I don't think so. Know what you're doing, how you're doing, when you push me, when you pop me, you never know.

Could be the last day.