Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 86: Octopus Sunrise

Episode Date: January 12, 2009

Jesse and Jordan are joined by The Sklar Brothers, Randy and Jason, to eat strange Japanese food and discuss Tom Cruise.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, brandy, maggoty, maggoty, twiddle, dum, twid go, we find out exactly what an octopus sunrise tastes like.

Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan morris boy detective with us um they're not just brothers jordan they're that's no reason to have people on our show because they're brothers it's something we've we i mean i'm not going to say jordan that we haven't played with the idea of doing of doing a show where we invite brothers sets of brothers to talk about their experiences it's sort of like

a story core type thing is how i imagined it being we drive around the country in a uh a recreational vehicle set up with a studio inside uh brothers would come in talk about their experiences because you know i've always said this and i think you're with me in this ethos is that yeah big budget movies are good for some people, but what I like is stories from real people. Real people, real Americans. I call it fraternal life. You can have your Independence Day,

your Wild Wild West. I'll take a story from a migrant farmer any day. Absolutely. That's the real blockbuster. If he's got a brother who's there. We're not just going willy nilly. That's the real blockbuster. If he's got a brother who's there. Right. We're not just going willy-nilly.

No. They're not just brothers. They're also gifted actors who have appeared in many films, television programs, and in their own internet television program, which is called Back on Tops. own internet television program, which is called Back on Tops. They've released stand-up comedy record albums, recordings of their stand-up comedy act. They also do stand-up comedy. Sure. The Sklar brothers, Randy and Jason Sklar, or specifically, from my perspective, Jason and Randy Sklar.

That's right. Thank you for clearing that up. Thank you. I did not want people to get, they got this stereoscopic view of what's going on in this No, it's a great intro. I loved it. Thank you. I did not want people to get, they got this stereoscopic view of what's going on on this program. No, it was a great intro. I loved it. Thank you.

I want to see that movie about brothers. About brothers on the run, on the fly. I think you should just interview brothers that have had country music careers.

The Statler brothers, the Gatlin boys. The Oak Ridge boys. The Oak Ridge boys, although not really. Were they brothers? Just people from the Oak Ridge Mountains.

Oh, okay. But I think they're all kind of related. It breaks our premise. They are related in some way, shape, or form. Would you say they have a brother-like relationship? No, but the Oak Ridge Boys always feature. Yes, I would say that they do. No.

No, not at all. But I do think the Oak Ridge Boys was all designed for the deep voice. Real quick, Randy, can I ask you this question? Is anything that I say ever right? No. Yes. I answered for you, Randy. Yes, of course.

Well, you posed it as a question, so it was neither right nor wrong. Okay. If anything you say rhetorical, that's the real question. And that's rhetorical, so please don't answer. Jordan, there's something we need to get out of the way at the top of this program. This is something you guys aren't party to. We're happy to hear your two cents, but I don't expect you to understand the feelings that are going on here. Just the shit that is coursing through my veins right now.

And my heart is just pumping it lub-a-dub lub-a-dub lub-a-dub this stuff that's going on right now do you ever think about big questions jordan i mean like big questions you know what i mean oh sure like um you know why do good things happen to bad people oh no I don't think about those This is something that I've been thinking about lately I try not to Who can you trust You know what I mean Who can you trust

In this world That's a great question I You can trust Jason Statham to deliver an action packed blockbuster Right He transforms on screen He does You can trust Jason Statham to deliver an action-packed blockbuster. Right? He transforms on screen. He does.

Yeah. He transforms in order to transport. He transforms. He transforms. And then he transports. He transports. A transformation is necessary for him to properly transport. You can't transport until you transform. Right.

He's doing wonders for action stars who are losing their hair I thought it was done with Bruce Willis He's doing wonders for people losing their hair In my books If only he'd play a little rock harmonica At like a mall opening or something That guy is designed to be On screen with his shirt off

But still wearing a pair of pants Like he's not going to Dress slacks Like a pair of maybe. Like he's not going to... Slacks. Dress slacks. Like a pair of, you know, maybe Capizios. Wing tips. Wing tip shoes. He's got some Capizios in case he has to do some jazz dance. You don't know.

Because if you kick someone's ass in Capizios, it's far more humiliating. Like you drop a Tommy Two-Tone on someone's face. It's just, it's like... You didn't just beat someone because anybody can beat someone up with like a steel-toed boot but like if you do it in like a nice pair of like 80s style dance shoes you're basically just saying like i can beat you with anything so jordan i i believed in humanity i believed in a jason statham sure. You know what I mean, Jordan? I believed that...

Man's consistent. That you could... If somebody told you something, it was true until they were innocent, until proven guilty, Jordan. I believed that man was essentially good, particularly with regard to calling into podcasts. Mm-hmm. Until? I knew another foot would drop. A stream?

I'm leprotic. I have leprosy. Mm-hmm. Which is why my feet keep falling off. The other foot is always dropping with you. You're diligent about reattaching the shoe. Well, a shoe is going to drop in a foot.

The shoe drops into the foot? No. So this is a shoe that wears a foot. That's right. It's a very special shoe. This is like a Yakov Smirnoff type situation. It's a shoe that wears a foot. What a country.

If you ever had a shoe lodged in your foot, you know how difficult that is. It's a shoe that wears a foot. What a country. If you ever had a shoe lodged in your foot, you know how difficult that is. It's so painful. The last time I had a shoe lodged in my foot was when I went out to dinner with Jason Statham. And he kicked you in the foot. He literally lodged a shoe in my foot. Specifically, it was a capizia. And he kicked his foot's ass.

He was doing some... He kicked his foot's ass. He was doing some of the most emphatic jazz squares You've ever seen in your entire life I think your mistake was going out to that Italian family style restaurant Exactly, anytime you have to share a meal with him He gets very territorial

It's kickball chain right into your foot Two weeks ago on this program Three weeks ago on this program We set out a request to our listeners Call in and share amazing prank stories okay and we we ask that people not say a prank that they had experienced uh that they had perpetrated themselves because that just comes off as you're being just being a dick uh we wanted pranks that were so amazing that just seeing them or or even having them happen to you

was in retrospect delightful yeah that's the bounds we put on this thing maybe what we also should have said was also don't lie to us don't try and bullshit don't just make up something for you and your friends to snicker at it turns out one of the pranks that we played on our program as verifiable fact that I checked with my faith in humanity before I played this. My faith in humanity said all systems go. Bullshit. Bullshit, Jordan. Now, I'm not going to go into another expletive lace tirade like I did on last week's program. Last week's show, I freaked out, okay? I freaked out. And I'm, you know,

it was a real Artie Lang on Stern thing. If my assistant had been here and not picking up my dry cleaning, I would have hit him. Okay? Yes. Yeah, you really went off on a lot of weird tangents, too. That's all that stuff about Arby's. I had no idea you felt like that. Look. Do you know what Arby's stands for? What? It's the letter, Arby, roast beef.

Arby. Holy shit. Exactly, right? Wait a minute. You learn something new every day. Yeah, Jesse, do you like it again? Are you back on board? Are you back on board? Arby's. Here's the thing.

Arby's. In a normal situation, I'd be right back on board when you told me something amazing like that. What if I told you you could get 12 roast beefs for $3? That's what they're offering now, 12 roast beef sandwiches for $3. I don't believe in anything anymore. That's what the're offering now, 12 roast beef sandwiches for $3. I don't believe in anything anymore. That's what the problem is here. Whatever size car you're driving, they will fill it up with roast beef sandwiches. $3.

Look, if you have an Astrovan, it's a better value. We'll give you a Pinto's hatchback worth of roast beef for $3. Everything is $3. That one's from the archive. Yeah. They're bringing it back archive They're bringing it back You need to find a Pinto We'll fill that hatchback full

If you bring us a Gremlin You're out of here We're not going to take it A Pacer? Not going to happen Must be a Pinto Wait, but isn't that the greatest prank of all? That they pranked the prank situation? I mean, can't we appreciate that?

It's a little too meta. A little too meta. Look at me in my eyes. I'm looking. Last week on the program, we have a segment called Momentous Occasions. Last week on the program, someone calls in. Said, my cousin's son.

Already, that was a red flag. We probably should have noted that. A story that starts with i heard this from my cousin's son i don't think that i should have to think about what is and isn't a red flag right like for example right now it's a new jason squires wearing eyeglasses okay is that a red flag is he hiding behind them no No, he's got astigmatism. What about this? Randy Sklar's not wearing socks, I don't think.

That's right. Looks like he's not wearing socks. Should I not believe his Arby's story? Because of the no sock policy? We were told... A sock full of roast beef sandwiches, $3. We were told... Half of a sandwich We were told That this cousin's son

Had Stolen a penguin from An aquarium By putting it in his pants We sound like assholes Of course this is a lie Sure They're very easy to

We were told there was They're never behind glass No They're not in specially Temperature regulated habitats They're just walking around Totally comfortable With being in people's pants too

That is by the way The storyline for Happy Feet 2 Just to tell you Happy Feet 2 colon Penguin in my pants Penguin in my pants I got an email here. Hey, Jesse.

Just wanted to drop you a line and tell you how crappy I feel about the fallout from the bogus Penguin story. This story is not only bullshit, it's such bullshit that it's on the internet as bullshit on a website that lists bullshit stories. Oh. That wasn't from the letter. was my editorializer right as a new listener who had already offended your sensibility by voicing my distaste for wet hot american summer which is was his first post on the message board and he doesn't like wet hot america that's i'm already that suspect to me you might as well just come in shady character and say that you don't like Pootie Tang on my message board. Why would you? Okay. Stop it.

I was appalled with myself upon realizing that I had been apparently duped by an urban legend. I know the growing epidemic of bullshitting you've been hit with in recent calls. He's aware of the situation and I can honestly say

I did not intend to contribute to said epidemic i forward the snopes article to my cousin who immediately called bullshit on her in-law turns out it's her cousin's in-law apparently i wasn't paying enough attention to the layer of depth of bullshit eight people removed Until he can produce photographs of his son, and the longer it takes, the more Photoshoppy it's going to seem, in my opinion. Agreed. I am officially declaring my own

story bullshit, and I throw myself upon the mercy of episode 86. Now, episode 86 is this week's episode. Which, by the way, I mean, the significance of... 86 something. Yeah.

Let's 86 this. 86 it is to take it away. Let's 86 this episode. I just hope I don't catch too much shit. Love the show. Keep it up. That's one of our popular catchphrases. Dane Yocko.

Love the show. Keep it up. Wow. Rip it up. Yeah. Now piss on it like you're doing dane yaco the dane cook of calling people yeah to radio show his calls are as bullshit as dane cook's so-called comedy it's just a bunch of fucking gesticulation with no punch lines a lot of pump a lot of

attitude a lot of attitude it's a fucked up world He has that headset mic though This is a fucked up world Jordan Sounds like you just grew up a little today Jesse You just realized It's like learning that your parents have flaws Yeah Or that they're the tooth fairy Sorry

Oh boy come on You gotta ease him into this He opened with I don't like wet hot American summer That's like That's just so That is literally like walking into A Japanese house and like With your shoes on running all over the furniture

Or walking to a Japanese restaurant And having your sushi and calling the waiter over And going you know what, my stuff is cold It's undercooked Send this back and cook it up And then killing everyone in the restaurant It's exactly like that calling the waiter over and going, you know what? My stuff is cold. I would like you to send this back and cook it up. It's undercooked. And then killing everyone in the restaurant.

It's exactly like that. And then stealing a penguin from the aquarium inside that restaurant. I know my friend's cousin's in-laws, the kid did this. There's photos of it. No, there isn't because it's fucking bullshit. It's not true.'s not true my cousins in-laws god your cousins don't even have in-laws they shouldn't they don't that doesn't even that's not even a thing your cousins should not be married and their parents should cousins are like nine ten twelve years old when you think cousins, you're thinking young.

Young. You don't think of people who are – The situation is so – I can't even count on two hands. Two hands. That's 10 digits how fucked up this situation is. Because it throws into question your ability to trust people. I can't believe that wasn't thrown into question by the last eight years of this president but i mean that that it took one penguin in the pants to we don't pay attention to politics

this isn't some kind of political sorry lenny bruce look i deliver that straight on i was not turned around so that was a face on delivery there what is it a metaphor for? That's what I'm asking. What is the penguin in the pants? In today's society, what's going on right now? Is it this economic stimulus package? Is that the penguin in the pants? I think you should take the situation and make it turn into a phrase that you can use. When you don't trust someone or something seems a little fishy,

that's the real penguin in the pants right there. That seems like a penguin in the pants. That's a penguin in the pants. Or the penguin in the pants here. The penguin in the pants here is General Motors asking for only $25 billion. You know what I see here? I don't trust it. I think that a lot of times when we're in a difficult situation, like a situation where we're struggling with our morality, our worldview, where do we often turn?

Art. Sure. Right? Yeah. Art. I think, I know that art is something that you can believe in. Art cannot lie because it's an expression of our inner self. Subjective.

Exactly. I think we open this one up. We take this can of worms. Right. There's worms everywhere because we're opening this up to the audience. We're saying we're going to take this disgusting can of worms and somehow fashion it, mold it into a delicious Arby's sandwich. I need artistic expression of the penguin in the pants.

Like a song or anything? I'm talking about a song. I'm talking about visual art. A poem. An erotic dance. This is a call to action. Nay, an action item, Jordan. No.

This penguin in the pants is the new Del Monte fashion piece. And the penguin in the pants of this penguin in the pants situation is how do we know that these people are actually producing what they're creating? That's really fucked up, Randy. You know what I mean? You're fucking me up right now.

I don't mean to question it all from a meta point of view. Yeah, if we keep going, like are we even sitting here? Is this a microphone? You have to ask yourself those questions. What is the penguin is the penguin in the pants some sophomore year of college shit right here look and then maybe the penguin in the pants maybe it is i feel like i'm getting my shit back together right now good corral it i didn't freak out i didn't flip i thought i might

flip but i did not flip you flipped a little bit I did and I'm cool If you don't know flipping If I had flipped We wouldn't be saying you might have flipped I did not flip I kept my shit together And I took This pig in a poke

Turned it into a penguin in the pants Yep Now we're just saying penguin in the pants. Yep. Now we're just saying penguin in the pants randomly. No. That's not, let's just not start saying it for no reason. Let's use it in the correct context. Let's find it. Yeah, let's agree upon how to say it.

Really, it's a situation where you don't trust someone, and then you just took it and made it like a bad situation that causes you to flip out. Like the penguin in the pants. Like at lunch, you're just going to take a bite of something and say, penguin in the pants. Wait, no. Now, if you open it up and

you ask them to put pickles on it, they did not put pickles on it. That is a real penguin in the pants because you trusted them to do it. You open it up, isn't that a penguin in the pants? No pickles. I'm keen to learn about what our listeners, our many thousands of listeners, will make of this artistically. Because I know that there are a lot of gifted artists out there, people who are good in media-like novelty songs.

In media-like Microsoft Paint. In media-like... Nice. Erotic dance. Erotic dance. Burlesque dance. dance erotic dance burlesque dance um so i lost art in media like animatronic animals with bookmark tales we learned during the holiday contest um this is something that i think we can take a a penguin in the pants And make it A bird in the bush

That's right A penguin in the pants If it is a woman Putting it in there This is what I would say You can make of this What you want A penguin in the pants is worth two in the blouse

And I feel like that's Always been my credo. Great. Well, I think it's settled then. This is, we're taking it, we're transforming it into art using our various creda. Uh-huh, credum. And et cetera. I think it's crudite.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm disappointed we've got the Sklar brothers with us, by the way. And I, you know, we encourage you guys. But if you just left it at that, I'm disappointed I've got the Sklar brothers with us, by the way. And we encourage you guys. Wait, if you just left it at that, I'm disappointed. I've got the Squire Brothers with us. That's it.

And then we both fell asleep in our chairs. We encourage you guys, if you'd like to make, there's a website called jjgo.org. We do not run this website. Who runs it? Some internet weirdo. Hampton runs it. Okay. His name's Hampton.

He's a Canadian named Hampton. He runs this website. It's a repository of Jordan Jesse Go information. One of the data points is when a guest host appears

and what the guest host's nickname is. We encourage you guys to develop, over the course of this program, your own nicknames so that you can introduce yourselves in the manner to which we've become accustomed. Great. That's in the back of our minds. We're working on it. I was disappointed, Jordan, last week that while some people did find some clips on the internet of the crazy japanese video game i mean the crazy japanese uh television program um wait a minute wait a minute

there's a crazy japanese television part of that that seems that seems in itself far-fetched um excuse me uh it's only come about recently it's's really tame. It was short-lived. The programming over there seems to be really tame and not knee-jerk at all. Knee-jerk? Is that the word you were looking for? Knee-jerk? What would you say that the craziness is a reaction to? It's a reaction to people's need. To wanting to win the super happy luck prize.

Okay, gotcha. No one managed to produce a clip of the segment where the guy goes around asking people to show him their thumbs. And then he goes, yeah, well, they do it. Okay? That has not been seen, and I'm asking that people go out and do this. That has not been seen, and I'm asking that people go out and do this. There was someone who found a clip of the Gang of 100. No, the Troop of 100, which is a segment in which 100 people run down the street acting scared and see what happens. um and uh it was it was pulled from youtube by japanese television who apparently feel

that the fact that this is on youtube is biting into their united states dvd revenue for their japanese language show not available on dvd in the united states of course great however gotta protect yourself the good news is this. Someone came through for us. Okay? Months ago on the program, we asked people who lived in foreign countries and listened to the program to send us their strangest foodstuffs. And we would eat them. A few weeks later, we asked them to stop sending us foodstuffs. We were getting too many foodstuffs in the mail.

I had gotten several parasites as well um however by the way is a delicacy in venezuela i'm not parasites i'm not unusual um a not unusual uh thing to do on this program listen to an old show call into an action item on an old show as though it were a new show um not understanding that we've moved on love it a young woman listened to that old program where we asked people to send in food from foreign countries went out to the store bought some crazy shit in japan there you go again not seeing it but i'll take your work then then listen to our show where we asked people to stop buying stuff and sending it to us.

Emailed me and said, what should I do with this stuff? I already bought it. I said, send that shit. Right? Send that shit. Send that shit. What are we going to do? Not eat it?

No. It's from Japan. It's crazy. We should probably put it in our mouths. Number one, she has sent us some Nippon Ginkgo money. This is 1,000 yen. I think that's like $10. 1,000 yen?

I think that's a fair volume of, maybe it's about 80 or 100. It's about 100 yen for a dollar, I think. Maybe. This is about 10 bucks worth of money, this Nippon Ginko right here. It's got a hole in the middle with nothing in it, unless... You look it up. Look it up in the light. And there it unless you look it up look it up up in the light it is and there it is beat takeshi hosted the crazy television program he's on the money

i think so he's on the money he looks a bit more old-timey and he has a mustache but i'm pretty sure that's him okay so what do we got in this box here? Oh, God. Okay. Look at this. This young woman has not only sent us stuff, she sent us a guide to the stuff attached. How you eat it. To each one. So, for example, take this. Now, you would say, what's that? A crazy pretzel squiggle. That's like little monk boy's crazy pretzel squiggles.

There's a tiny monk boy with a multicolored cap. Now, what it is... Again, was not expecting to see an animated person on that. Yeah, this is... Now, just to be clear, what this is, is a packaged mask snack.

So, packaged mask snack right here. Alright, I'll take that. When you're burglarizing a home And you get hungry in the middle Right You take out your Packaged mask

Here we go What do we got here It's more popular than The unpackaged mask No that actually was A promotional item That was given out During they just released

The movie The Rocky Dennis story In Japan And so that is A promotional item That went along With the release Of that movie

I don't know what That movie is, but I would have. Oh, okay. Uh, we got Cola Up. Cola Up.

Who wants Cola Up? I'll take it. My Cola's. Your Cola's been down. My Cola's been down. Can you talk to your doctor about that? My Cola count is down. It sounds like a stab in like Dungeons and Dragons.

I take that back. My good cola is down. My bad cola is up. I need to reverse that. I have to get a cola-oscopy later today. We have a canister here. Am I going to eat this right now? This is a gummy.

It's a cola-up. How is it? Don't chew on microphone. They hate it when we chew on microphone. Nah, chew on mic. I say chew on mic. Can I try your mask? No, no. I have to eat the packaged mask snack.

Carbonated. How did they make this gummy thing carbonated? Wait, is it really carbonated? Try it. Okay. These are good. These are like... It gives you the illusion of being carbonated a little, right?

That's outrageous. That's really good. Unbelievable. Okay, packaged mask snack is kind of like those onion things that your mom would crumble on green bean casserole. Oh, are you from the Midwest? No, my mom's from the South. I don't know if that's. It's not the same thing.

But she makes a lot of casserole. Not at all. Woman makes a lot of casserole. Hot dish up in Minneapolis. Hot dish in Minneapolis. Does anybody want to try this packaged mask snack? I'm sorry, I can't hear you through the fizziness of my gelled cola up. Okay, now she sent us something called Black Black.

Now, if you're wondering about Black Black, it does have high technical excellent taste and flavor. Okay. So, as she describes it black black is evil coated in mint and flavored with licorice i think america is finally ready for black it does have a pop top it's 2009 yeah do you think we can america is the uh the mascot of cola up looks like he's upset. This is the Japanese version of a Le Choy Chinese noodle. I've got good news, you guys.

This black black does come with free post-it notes. Thank you. It has some post-it notes inside it. In case you... I've always thinking about my to-do list when I'm eating my black black. In case you want to put a post-it note on the black black to remind yourself not to eat it. Yeah. That's pretty foul. This is really good.

Would be great on a salad. Also, I don't think anyone's pointed out, I mean, maybe this is juvenile of me, but cola up is dick-shaped. They're tiny, fizzy dicks that you eat. So is Japan when you actually look at the country. That's... I'll take this packaged mask snack back. Now, what else have we got here?

I am so happy that I'm eating. The black black was pretty foul. It's really cleared my nasal passages. I love that. Packaged mask snack. You want to finish this up? You want to kill these? I'll finish it.

Don't get snack on me here. Oh, great news. Randy, I think this one's going to be for you. Yeah, I'm sure. It's a little Kit Kat banana. I know that you love little Kit Kat banana. Lightly scattered chocolate and break is the thing here. She's translated some of the Japanese phrases on here.

Those are all of my favorite things wrapped up into one. Use banana perfume. That's what it says. Use banana perfume. And it also says the illustration is an image. Here's what I love about... I'll go out, as I'm prone to do, go out in Hollywood. Sure.

Go to a cool party. Go to a cool party. Maybe encounter someone. Even though I'm married I would never Cheat on my wife Just like a whore But there's nothing wrong

With encountering Encountering new people And Someone will come up to me And just Just lightly Right behind my neck Be like

What is that you're wearing Is that banana And I'm like Yeah it is It's actually banana perfume Because that's what you wear To a Hollywood party Kit Kat Kit Kat.

Kit Kat banana. She sent us some Pokemon rice toppings, so that's good. Okay. Almost as good as the Pokemon rice drop. Will you please look at this? This is a globule ball. Yeah, the Kit Kat is obviously... Amazing.

Amazing. Like there is no... One of the greatest things I've ever had in my entire life yep get in there let's do i want to do obscene these are insane i'm no i'm not giving you any more of these these are incredible these are ridiculous oh wow it's like um that is like banana pudding with nilla wafer it's literally like they took a kit kat and they're like we're gonna now make it awesomer yeah that. That's good. Speaking of kind of good. I don't even like the banana thing. Midwesty dishes.

Yeah. I love it. I'm finished. I polished these. Man, yeah. Mask. Very good. Mask is history.

And I love how they're like little banana. Like we wouldn't believe it if it were a big banana. Like a regular sized banana. She used magnificent scissors on the message board she sends us her best wishes that's great thank you very much fantastic these are unbelievable the banana kit kat is like very yeah very gotta bring that over very tasty yeah america would go nuts for this oh you know there's a there's a there's only a couple of gas stations that have them anymore but there was a banana reese's peanut butter cup for a while that had a picture of Elvis on it. What are you talking about?

It was the Elvis commemorative banana Reese's peanut butter cup. Shut your mouth. Delicious. Because he loves a peanut butter and banana sandwich. That's right. He did eat a peanut butter and banana sandwich on the toilet. Do you guys mind if I have a – you guys can talk while I have a wizard boy? What if I told you I did mind?

What if I told you that was – Yeah, please. I would consider it rude. What is it? Very chewy. And by I have a wizard boy, Yeah, please. I would consider it rude. What is it? Very chewy. And by half a wizard bar, he means below Daniel Radcliffe. Boom. Nice.

Get it in the door. Alright, don't do that. Seriously, do not do that. It's my show. Don't do that. But guys, feel... Give me a wizard. Feel flattered because Daniel Radcliffe is here and we're not having him as the guest.

Jesse's just filleting him. You guys are on mic. Daniel Radcliffe is just getting a... He's got nothing to add to... It's like, okay, see, of course you did Equus. Like, you want everyone to know you grew up. Everyone, just relax. Yeah.

You don't have to get filleted on a podcast. I love how, like love how white and Anglo the wizard boy is. Yeah, wizard boy has big blue eyes and giant breasts for some reason. He doesn't. Good news, Jordan. They're supple breasts.

She sent us something called umai, which means yummy. And this is red umai. Wizard boy. Wizard boy's Japanese Skittles. I just want you to know that this is an octopus sunrise flavor stick. Oh, boy. Am I going to have to eat this?

Yeah. Jordan has to eat the octopus sunrise flavor. Okay, this looks like... Okay, this is a tubular thing that looks like it might have bits of octopus in it. I'm going to try this one. I hear octopus sunrise flavor stick my mind immediately goes to um all you can eat shrimp and red lobster i've got a walleye pollock stick which one i'm gonna give you guys uh uh what do we got here oh corn porridge that sounds like a good one how come you guys get corn porridge all right here you have a corn porridge octopus stick going in the mouth okay

oh god not the consistency i thought it was gonna be no i don't want to eat any more of this it's like let me rub some fish on styrofoam yeah and there's like yeah it's it's a comp this this thing is a crunchy piece of styrofoam that tastes like... You said corn porridge. It's corn potage. Oh, excuse me. This tastes like fish and ketchup. This is a fish ketchup bar.

This one is a Pollock. This one is a Pollock. Oh, God, bad aftertaste, too. That one's a Pollock, so it gets drunk and then neglects its wife. Yeah. What is it? Pollock kind of... This doesn't even tell you what it is.

This doesn't even tell you what it is. It's got a big middle finger on it. It's just like... The corn potage. No, I don't want to eat any more of these crunch sticks. The corn potage is fine. It just has a small hint of octopus.

Oh, okay. What is that? All right, come on. Yeah, corn potage is fine. Keep them coming. We're done? We're done. We can't be done.

We're done. Did you try the black black yet? Here, have some black black clear sinuses. After your, no. Black black is licorice, is it not? It's like a super, it's like a Stimeral gum. I know I didn't really give it the hard sell, but would anyone else like to try this octopus bar? I can't imagine.

Absolutely not. It's really disgusting. Corn potage is kind of good. The best part about the Black Black is after you chew it, you can use it to grout your bathroom. That's a visual joke. It means nothing. Why? Grouting your bathroom?

Black black. Come on. Of course. If you had gray subway tile. Yeah. That's a good point. Boom. That's a good point.

Anyway. Black black doesn't know if it wants to be gum or not. Do you think that I can put, do you think I can put this in the bank? Do you think if I take this to the bank, they'll let me put it in the bank, this money? No. It's Japanese. Okay. Don't you have an account at bank of japan i do i'll mail it in osaka fargo we should just take a second to chew on microphone everybody chew on microphone sorry make some gross noises to upset the people who hate chewing on microphone there's nothing i'm

with you there's nothing worse there's like worse than the Carl's Jr. ads. Oh, God. Don't bother me. I'm eating. It doesn't get all over your space. It's not all over your face. If it doesn't get all over your space, it's not over your face.

I feel like that commercial is actively calling me stupid. I feel like that commercial is pointing at me. They went on a campaign to try and take down restaurants. Take down restaurants. Isn't it way worse to be at a restaurant than at a Carl's Jr.? Oh, yeah, where they serve Carl's Jr. food at a restaurant and then go, Gotcha! No, that was Pizza Hut.

No, when they're spraying, they're cleaning the countertops. Cleaning the countertops. That was a bad one like that's the worst thing yeah i hate it when food places are cleanly i hate it when they're they've got an a on the front when you walk in there yeah by the way i have 17 pieces of black black in my mouth right now black and i and i honestly i think i just saw Black Jesus. When I was in Japan as a 12, 13-year-old, I saw a television commercial for Black Black. It was one of the only things I understood while I was in Japan. It's a land of wonders.

It was a man napping on a subway train. He ate some Black Black and went apeshit. So I'm guessing that you're going to go apeshit pretty soon. I am ready. Here's what it says on the black black. High technical, excellent taste and flavor. He had mentioned that before. Yeah. I like that, and I also like the fact that it's sugarless.

Did you mention that too? It is the sugar-free version of black black. Well, look. I like that it's technical. It kind of implies that, well, if you're not enjoying it, you just don't understand. Here's the best part of all these Japanese lettering and words right here. There's 118.7

grams of something. I don't know what it is. I'm going to say flavor. But because it is technical, if it does win an Oscar, it won't win it. It won't win on the first day. It'll win it on the... Jenna Elfman will present it

with its Oscar at the Beverly Hills Hilton. That's right. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. It's Jordan and Jesse Go on Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, great. la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la questioning the credibility of my co-host, my friend. Wait a minute.

No, I actually am going to stop you right now because you brought up the whole penguin in the pants thing, which put me on edge to want to question all authority. So I think it's only right that I say to you, cut from the cloth of an Encyclopedia Brown or a Hardy Boys or are you

creating your own thing? I'm kind of a late-period boxcar child, I prefer to say. Have you hit puberty yet or not? No, I haven't. Okay, good. It's on the horizon, though. That's great that you have not hit puberty, because you can actually focus on solving mysteries and crimes rather than you're changing by the fucking year. Let me just interject here.

And I'll probably have to stop wearing these short pants. It's about black black. I know for a fact. I'm going to say it's gum. I know for a fact that black black is black. You know how I know that? How? Because, Randy, you have a gross piece of ABC black black on your finger.

Which is why. Every point that you have just made in the past five minutes of this program, you have punctuated by pointing a finger with chewed black, black gum on it. If I were a martial artist, which I am not, which by the way, you did not even mention the martial artist who could send their martial artists in, like the freak kick to the solar plexus. Like a new move. If I were a martial artist, my next movie, Fistful of Black Black. Done. I mean, if that's not

starring me and Michael Clark Duncan, if that's not already in production, then why isn't it? I'm just going to put this out there. People may think it's por in production, then why isn't it? I'm just going to put this out there. It's you. People may think it's porno.

No. It could be porno. But what if I said it was me, Michael Clark Duncan, and Michael Winslow? The guy who did all the sound effects. And so everything Michael Clark Duncan does, Michael Winslow attempts to do a sound effect to when it's not needed. What are you doing during all this? I'm sort of orchestrating the whole thing. He's the one with the gum on his finger.

The gross, chewed gum on his finger. It just, I mean, it takes 12 years to get Black Black out of your system. It really does. If you swallow

a piece of Black Black, it's in you forever. And it actually has spiders in it, so the spiders come out. They release. Yeah. Fistful of Black Black. I have to ask you guys a question.

This is a serious question. This isn't for you, Jordan. Okay. Can I check out? You can do what you want to do. Check out. I'm happy to have the Sklar brothers here for a lot of reasons. Obviously, they're accomplished and hilarious. They have a delightful

internet web series, of course. We always look for that in a guest. But more than that i i just have been looking for a guest to whom i could ask this question um uh which do you prefer uh scotty garelts don caveman robinson or rick big daddy russell so the choices are Scotty, just to go over them, Scotty Garelts, Don Caveman Robinson, or Rick Big Daddy Russell. Russell all the way. I would add Rick Roden to that list. The man whose left leg was longer than his right.

And I would still pick Rick Russell. Because Rick Russell looked like the guy, literally he could throw an inning and then yell at people to get off his lawn. He kind of had that look. Just to interject, I know you guys are on a roll and you could probably get rolling on this topic. But before I get too disappointed and check out entirely, there's no chance you guys would want to talk about the Street Fighter games after this. Let's do it.

Let's talk about it. Great. All right. Continue. I'll just wait for that. Jordan just wants to talk about a Sega Genesis game called Herzog's Vi. I don't know what Herzog's Vi is. Well, Whitey Herzog was the mastermind of the Cardinals and the mastermind of Small Ball.

So I imagine that Herzog's Vi... You want to talk about it's a Vince Coleman thing, right, Jordan? It's mostly Vince Coleman stuff? Or let's go deep. thing right jordan it's mostly vince or or let's or let's go deep i the other night i watched a phenomenal documentary uh called uh burden of dreams about verner herzog okay don't know if that has anything to do with it sure a young verner herzog who to me looked like a uh mustachioed michael blyden if you will michael blyden, who directed Back on Top, a phenomenal director. He was in the jungle of the Amazon

trying to make a movie called Fitzgeraldo. With Klaus Kinski, right? Klaus Kinski was not initially the person who was... It was initially Jason Robards and Mick Jagger. They actually shot some stuff, but then had problems with the

local Indians who were down there. They didn't want them there. They were like the Beatles. That's right. It's an amazing movie. A Sisyphusian tale, if you will, of this guy who tried to move a boat. Basically

portage. Corn portage a boat, basically portage, corn portage a boat, over a, and I'm not talking about a boat. I'm talking about a three-story, several metric ton boat over a large area to put it into a different tributary, and it was all about how he created this system to do it. And in the movie, Werner Herzog attempted to take a boat, a gigantic boat, and do it at the risk of putting people's lives at risk.

And it was about a six-year process of making a movie. I hear they kill actual monkeys in that movie, and you see it. In Werner Herzog's? In the burden of... Or in that movie he's making. Oh, I don't know. They didn't show any of that. They do it in the Sega Genesis version of the game, of the movie. Oh,zog five herzog did you know that verna herzog ate a shoe can i throw that in there did he really yeah he ate a shoe he said something he he are he had an argument with the

documentarian errol morris on some subject that i cannot remember right said if such and such comes true i will eat my shoe and he ate it and he ate that shit in front of a live paying audience here's what i would say i believe that after seeing his conviction and staying in the jungle as long as he did to try and get this boat up and over against all odds and i see him eating a shoe as long as we're talking about german themes in cinema yeah sure that is the subject i want to briefly touch on the valkyrie with uh with tom cruise okay go for it ray and i were talking about this the like how bad is tom cruise's image like and how much do these people have to say okay what's the only way we can get like america and the world behind tom cruise again

he has to try and kill hitler that's it that's the only way you can get like america and the world behind tom cruise again he has to try and kill hitler that's it that's the only way you could actually repair this man's image but i was watching on uh i don't know why i had five why did i have fox morning show it wasn't fox news it was the morning show fox and friends fox and friends sure uh so friendly two not really hot girls but quickly if you look at them they're kind of attractive and an old guy that's what i also i bet if you're like if you're like if you're like a 50 year old like dad who's who the best part of his year is going to like the boat show then you find the ladies on fox news hot if you have on your tivo seasons past the housewives of orange county sure yeah yeah exactly attractive and so they so they were promoting I think they were talking about the Valkyrie.

They were going to do a segment on it coming up about how it had mixed reviews, and they weren't sure if it was going to do well in the box office. And they used one of those horrible news puns underneath the thing. Right, sure, under the graphic. Yes, and it said, I think it was like, does the Valkyrie have the right

stuff the right stuff and they didn't even get the right movie I mean if you want to do a Tom Cruise movie does the Valkyrie have all the right moves that would have been the movie to but of course Randy and I were just thinking it was ridiculous

you might as well do that pun with holocaust stuff you might as well have said, if you're doing that, you might as well have said, all the right Jews. It's basically the same joke and about as offensive. Is the Valkyrie the final solution to a weekend full of dolt birds?

Will the trains run on time to screenings of the Valkyrie? I saw the Valkyrie and frankly, I loved it. Will you enjoy the Valkyrie or will you wish that someone was making your skin into a lamp? Will it be a Hitler? It was so territory that you shouldn't go, but fuck. I imagine the meeting when making that film was something like this.

Tom Cruise obviously has handlers. He's a major film star. They came to him and said, as you guys conjectured, we need to rehabilitate your image. You're going to have to try and kill Hitler. That's right. And Tom Cruise said, yeah, and I'll be a Nazi. And I'll do it for the inside. Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. And I'll have an eye patch. No, yeah, and I'll be a Nazi. And I'll do it for the inside. Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

And I'll have an eyepatch. No, no, no. But I won't even try and speak with a German accent, just my regular voice. Okay, now we're getting a little closer, but I would say lose the eyepatch. People can't believe people in eyepatches. And they just got fixated on the eyep patch, ended up losing that battle with Tom. It's like he wanted to be most of Diane. Literally, the movie, like the objective in the movie, just didn't fully hit the mark.

You know what I mean? It was like the movie was a metaphor for what? I don't know. It's Werner Herzog pulling a boat over a giant hill. Is that the metaphor? Have you seen a video on the internet of Werner Herzog getting shot while he's being interviewed? What? That's something you need to spend some time with.

But I do want to talk about finding stuff on the internet. Because I watched a screener version of Frost Nixon, which I freaking loved. I love that. It was such a good movie. And God bless Ronnie howard always putting his brother in there always putting his brother oh he's putting this one too he is phenomenal movie phenomenal movie like really for all the storytelling aspects and great performances and frank langela was just genius but afterwards my wife and i went to youtube and and started to

download the actual interview from the actual David Frost and Richard Nixon. And that was really cool to see after what you kind of saw they had portrayed it. Really cool. And then I was like, I want to find out more about David Frost. I want to see more of his interviews and stuff. And I saw an interview that he did with Yoko Ono and John Lennon on a show that he was doing.

And then there was an angry interchange. The title was like, Angry Interchange Between Yoko and John, and they sang a song called Attica State, and these two square fans came down and were kind of talking about how you can't glorify prisoners like that. Anyway, it was back and forth. Below that, as YouTube likes to group its videos, was a number of angry exchanges between things. So I found this was the best.

It wasn't John Lennon, Beatles. You didn't even realize that you were an angry exchange video enthusiast. I am now. After this video, I saw the video that to me – It's the greatest thing ever. I made him watch it. It to me is the reason why the internet was invented. Without a doubt, at least YouTube.

is the reason why the internet was invented. Like for, without a doubt, at least YouTube. It was a video of Paul Stanley of Kiss yelling at a fan in the eighth grow who was using a laser, like a handheld laser pointer, like just putting it on him. So Paul Stanley at this concert, I don't know where it was. It was a huge arena concert. They finished, like it was basically Peter Criss

was singing Beth and he finished beth which is this you know if you don't know what beth is it's this slower kiss song more of a ballad probably the most famous song biggest chart topper famous ballad yeah and uh paul stanley's like it finishes up peter chris is like thank you and then paul stanley's like the lights are out he's like all right who where's the schmuck with the laser? And he starts talking to the guy with the laser like he's a Long Island housewife, like telling – where's the schmuck with the laser? Hey, you there with the laser. Listen to me.

Listen to me. You with the laser. You take that laser out again, I will shove it up your ass. I promise. I will shove it up your ass. And like it got so uncomfortable. The whole crowd is uncomfortable. He's uncomfortable he's like no see get that guy with the late the laser right there now clearly if you're in a stadium or in a huge thing no one from up top can see the laser that was me was clearly in his head like don't go there as a performer on stage where you get heckled and you

just there are times when you want to ignore it and times you don't he would not let it go good time to ignore it is when you're playing a stadium. Exactly. No one could see that. So he's like – And there's probably a laser show going on. Well, where's the schmuck with the – hey, you, schmuck. Put the laser away or I'll shove it up your ass.

He sounds so kind of like this nerdy. And then there's really two things. One, while he's having this whole diatribe on this guy. Wait, hold on. Are you telling me – I'm as surprised by this as you were surprised by the weird japanese tv shows that the members of kiss are actually nerdy well here's the thing so he so no hold on because number one no nerd would ever design a like a superhero-esque outfit exactly for himself but he sounded so not nerdy but just kind of nebbish It was more nebbish-y

I know the two kind of blur the line there But he was so nebbish-y sounding Literally he was standing in like chaps And like a wrestling champion belt No shirt And he's like reprimanding some guy Are you sure you're not thinking of Alan Sherman? No, it has nothing to do with Hello Mata Hello Fata

No So he's yelling at the guy ace freely. And this is clearly when the band was a little more out of shape, who was in his space suit, kind of meanders behind him. He meanders behind him. He looks like a baked potato on the top of two French fry legs, just kind of wobbling behind him, just out of frame. Can I ask you from this point forward that all your metaphors be potato-themed?

Yes, they will. At least starchy. Just at least because of starchy. A potato potage of sorts. So then the best part about the whole thing is after this whole awkward situation is there. It's so quiet. So awkward. I'm like, how is he going to dig himself out of this?

Paul Stanley goes to the mic after being like, I'll take the laser. I'll shove it up your ass. It's so quiet and uncomfortable. Like, all right, now the rest of you, who wants to go to Detroit? Rock City! You're like, I can't believe. And no one's, I mean, it's rare. No one was with him. It was so uncomfortable. And I kind of was like. And then you heard the sound of him putting his guitar back over his shoulder.

Yeah, the little, it literally sounds you should never hear. Jesus Christ. Something, I don't know if this is showing up on the microphone it is it has to be showing this has to show up on the microphone anyway maybe it's paul stanley it's a nightmare is occurring inside the walls of my building apparently i think it's paul stanley trying to claw his way back up here but if you get a chance for those who are listening uh please check out paul stanley getting angry at a man we'll post it up we'll find it on the youtubes We'll post it up on the discussion forum.

God damn, it's so funny. That's the power of the internet. That's the beauty and the magic of the internet. You can find something that's so beautiful and share it with all your friends. Yes. And it's not, because I feel like a lot of times the internet for people is like a guy sticking his hand up a horse's ass. And like really, really, or like super, super people getting.

Stuff with like really limited amount of outfits. Is that what you're suggesting? Exactly. Not the same glitter factor. No, but I mean just the simpleness of the grossness or the grotesque. But to me, this was like far more beautiful. It's sort of like if you had asked any of us in 1991 1992 what will the internet be for we would say lasers yes right lasers loads of them it turns out we were right we're

futurologists if you will we were in 91 we're future would any of you guys like to be a futurologist i'm down i'm already an imagineer so if my futurology includes loads and loads of black black yes I will be a futurologist don't be such a spud no that's not anything it was such a half assed attempt at saying something about a potato spud web reference sure okay great it was a spud web

reference it was a reference to his one time he won the slam dunk championship which is I love that you bring that up because we are about to do a video with Rudy Gay. For the internet. For a viral – Rudy Gay last year who is on the Memphis Grizzlies, young guy, played at UConn, very talented, like great, great high-flying player, like 6'6", swingman type guy who was in the Slam slam dunk contest last year and gained notoriety by posting a video of him basically asking fans to post their favorite dunks and he would pick his his favorite one and then he would do that in the slam dunk contest it was kind of a use of the internet and sure very creative so he did a little thing on uh back on tops in our web series

he was in the 15th episode in dc that we had and was so funny and great and just rolled with it and just a really nice kid um and so he would wanted to he's in the sounds like a good kid yes it's a good kid wanted to do the slam dunk contest again and wanted to do another video and so it's like when you have a mother you know you just imagine hopefully one day my kid will be high flying yes right and he's not he'll roll with it you know or he can be cool enough to make up for his unfortunate last name that's right which is a tough one to overcome but he has and he has yeah basically professional basketball players all you can do to like out cool that you know well yeah and i'm sure within the community of professional athletes uh they're very very

tolerant of the gay culture very sensitive, very sensitive to that. Very sensitive. Especially in Memphis. I mean, not everywhere, not all around the country. Memphis is about as progressive as you can get. Yeah, it is. So he, nonetheless, he wants to do a video. So we're going to do a video with him that we're about to go do. Speaking of slam dunk contests, promoting what type of dunk that he is going to do. And it's us pitching him a bunch of ridiculous ideas of him dunking a baby that used to be an old man but is aging backwards just so when he is done dunking he can look at the crowd and be like yeah what's up you just got your benjamin button kicked

boom i like it boom taste it didn't it seem like did you guys see can we get this thing can we get our video sponsored by black black could he Could he snap after he says it? Yeah, he could. Two snaps. Like a Jack A. Three snaps. Up, over, and down. What was it?

It was octopus flavored. What was it one more time? I think it was called Octopus Nightmare. No, it was Octopus Sunshine Flavor. Give me the title again. Ketchup. Octopus night terror. No, it was octopus.

Walleye pollock. Walleye pollock. Octopus sunrise flavor. Okay. Oh, okay. I think to simulate sunrise, what they added was ketchup. Black black and the octopus sunrise flavor force. Sure.

That to me should be a comic. Is that your web series? That's my next comic book. With Spud Webb. It's our next adult swim show. Spud Webb and what's his name? Gay from the Memphis Grizzlies? Rudy Gay and Spud Webb.

Sure. I love it. And Brian Scalabrini as Black Black. It's solid gold. Yeah, it is. We're making hits here, Jordan. Sure. We are making fucking hits.

Don't steal our ideas, listeners. We're making history. Don't steal them. We got the Sklyre Brothers here. They our ideas, listeners. We're making history. Don't steal them. We got the Sklar brothers here. They're spitballing. We got you here. We got the potato metaphors. We got a story about Kiss.

This is special. This is. This is something that you can hold not just in your hands, but also in your hearts. You know? Yeah. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Randy and Jason Sklar, the black, black and octopus flavor sunshine of the unit. Of comedy. I've now considered ourselves the unit. You've got, basically, I've got David Haysbert running this whole show, and the two of us. Sean Ryan is

scripting everything we say. Mammoth pops in. Every so often, Mammoth shows up to swear at people. I believe it's Mammoth, and I'm sorry. I don't want to pull rank on you guys. Mamet comes in to offer his brand of Republican politics.

Jordan. Yes. Something that we've talked about in the past on the show that I've really enjoyed is a tale of a time when we shared a joke in a public context that went over very poorly you had a

very complicated joke you once told about james cameron's submarine um no one understood the reference to his uh 3d underwater film which he spent most of the years after titanic making yeah um uh it's it would have been funnier if you used James Cameron Mitchell His submarine His submarine Goes way deep Way deep So deep it put your butt to sleep

That's an Ice Cube reference Did you think You said it as though if you said it real quick, no one would know who said it. I messed around and got a triple-double. Yeah, sure. Gotta say it was a good day. Anyways, we like to share jokes that didn't go over well. And then maybe we can figure out where we went wrong.

What happened in the course of it? For example, did Mama serve a breakfast with Hogg? And that's what went wrong. You know what I mean? Anything could go wrong in one of these. Two can play that game, Sklar. There you go. Nice.

Go ahead. Okay, here's mine. So I was home for... There's some gesturing. I was giving it up for the mama search at breakfast with Holly. Jesse just flashed a Northwest gang sign. It had something to do with the

Pacific Northwest Indians. It's the Orcas Island sign. Native Americans. Anyways, I was home for the holidays in Orange County is where I grew up. And I have a couple of... Beautiful Mission Viejo, California.

Beautiful Mission Viejo, California. Overlooking... The lake? Scenic lake, man-made Lake Mission Viejo, yes. Lovely. Do you know Lake Mission Viejo? We do. Okay.

I used to, in the summers between college and... The summers between college years, I worked at the gate in the booth opening the arm for cars to come in. His job was to make sure that no one was Latino that wanted to come in. One question, who owns the movie rights to that story? Wow. You better mail that to yourself. Yeah, I know. These guys have met Brian Grazer, so.

Yeah. Michael Eisner. He's in culture class. Go ahead. I can't decide whether I want it to be a feature or like an HBO mini. Yeah. It's meaty. Yeah.

I mean, the feature, like, I'll get more money for, but the HBO mini, I feel like I'll have more time to kind of do it justice. You could cast like a Laura Linney. Yeah. yeah you know somebody who's really gifted give it some depth yeah you don't have to throw uh you know a jessica alba or an odette yesman in there you do you do not have to although throwing it in would not be a bad idea there's nothing wrong with throwing in a yes man um i like to routinely throw in a yes-man. Just to spice things up. Even when I'm making just a light salad. Throw in a little yes-man on top. You just need a little alba.

What I like to do is, after I put the dressing on, I grate a little alba on top. Here's the thing. You'll save money by grating your own. If you get the prepackaged thing at Trader Joe's. I'll tell you the truth. I use kosher Yes Men. Because it's flakier and it gives you a burst

of flavor. Instead of croutons, Alba Toast. Delicious. The kosher Yes Men is killed rather humanely. It dies of old age. I have a couple of high school buddies Rather humanely. Sure. They get the ties of old age. Yes. George? Anyways, so I have a couple of high school buddies who I routinely keep in touch with.

And when I go back to visit my parents, try and party, have a drink, hang out. Sure. And a— These are some top quality high school buddies. Yeah. They're everything you'd hope for in a high school buddy. Absolutely. They're there when you need them. Yes.

And so we found out that a high school acquaintance was're there when you need them yes and um so uh we found out that that a high school acquaintance was throwing a party and that a bunch of people we kind of knew from high school were going to be there so we thought it'd be fun uh we go catch up this guy was you know historically through pretty good parties so um track record yeah yeah absolutely in line and anyway so i was there do you think you were figuring this guy's probably going to score you some beer yeah he was but now if you think, you were figuring this guy's probably going to score you some beer? Yeah, he was. Score me some beer. But now, if you were to throw that party this weekend, you would be asking yourself, what's

the penguin in the pants here? Yeah. It's going to be like all dudes. That's the penguin in the pants. All right. The quality of the party was good. Very good party. Great.

Good buds. Good tunes. Sure. Uh, good tunes. Sure. Um, anyways, so, but there was a lot of those instances where I, uh, you know, kind of knew someone or knew someone's brother or sister and was kind of in, in a lot of, uh, situations to make just kind of awkward. What have you been up to type?

You meet somebody, they work for fuse. You work for fuel. Just a little bit. Sure little off yeah yeah one letter off what are you guys doing for ces i'll say yeah um what's your gadget guide gonna be like um anyway so uh anyway so i i was in one of these situations just a girl who uh who may be yeah just kind of a friend of a friend situation and and uh what have you been up to and i kind of explain i'm like so what have you been up to and she kind of gives this long sigh and she was like well i mean i still live here and i'm up to pretty

much the same stuff i was when i was in high school and i said oh so you're doing a lot of math problems and book reports. Boom. Boom. You would think so. He's right there. You would think so. He's right there. It was that quick, too. But no, I just kind of got a, she just kind of glanced at the floor and kind of shuffled off. Maybe she is.

Maybe she is doing a lot of it. It was all too truthful. You're, instead of math, bro, you're doing a lot. You're going through puberty. Oh, yeah. You're becoming brawl, you're doing a lot of... You're going through puberty. Oh, yeah. You're becoming a woman. You're becoming a woman.

You're doing pretty much the same thing, so you're getting your period for the first time. Yeah. Boom. A lot of handjobs and wine coolers. Handjobs and wine. Boom. Oh, you know what?

I should have. A lot of handjobs and wine coolers. I should have. That pretty much... That's a little edgier. You really dropped the gate arm on that one Dropping the gate arm So you're a

This is the movie You are working the booth You drop the gate arm by day You drop fresh rhymes at night Trying to make it in the rap game And OC dropping the gate arm Maybe after hours all the Lake employees Go down to the tool shed and we have beers

and we have freestyle contests. And you guys have wrap-offs. Jordan, you did work on Livin' with Fran, which was produced by Jamie Kennedy. So maybe you could bring him into this. Sure. It sounds like a perfect vehicle. He's got a hip-hop style. I think he's done something in his career for some reason.

I believe that because I'm an entertainment executive. You are. And maybe young people respond to him. Oh, yeah. Young people like him because he was on the WB at one point. The Jamie Kenney experience. Anyway, so I'm wondering if why

this joke wasn't the hit of the party. Was it a content in which you suggested maybe some better content? I don't know. What was it? Was it context content, which you suggested maybe some better content? Could have gone angier, yeah. Was it – I don't know. What was it? Was it context or was it that my – I guess when I've been thinking about this, it's like why – I guess she was kind of maybe embarrassed. Right.

And didn't – Well, the big sigh at the beginning should have been your indication that she was ready to be choked on. Yeah, maybe I shouldn't goof on her. Yeah, the big sort of melodramatic. Jordan often will start a routine just as soon as he's like a single tear. You smell blood in the water. Yeah. Let's go.

Let's do this. Time to strike. Strike hard. You are like a quivering lip. Yes. And Jordan's out with the bon mots. Yeah. A quivering lip and Jordan's out with the bon mots. And when she was leaving the party I should have asked her if she

had to go catch her bus or something like that. That would have been... Could have asked her if it was her mom's car. The killing blow. Yeah, you got your mom's car tonight? Yeah, that's right. Your dad's still... Is your dad still an alcoholic? You just got Jordan.

Do your parents have to consent to that abortion? In this scenario, she told you that you might have to get an abortion. Okay, yeah. Always funny. Great. These are all good options. I hate to call it this, but fertile ground. Fertile ground.

Fertile comedy ground. When the abortion comes up, fertile comedy ground. Yeah, you got to know when to strike and i would say that when someone has basically through a sigh offered up that their dreams have crumpled yeah maybe you don't want to that i i'm assuming you can go for the joke but you might not get the reaction that you want gotcha jordan's jordan you weren't wasn't your other issue before walking away from people, like just disengaging and walking away? Yeah, no, this time I stayed engaged.

I've had a couple instances where I've made a maybe semi-mean joke and then just kind of quickly left the situation maybe before the person could respond. The walk away. The walk away. But no, actually, I maybe wanted to keep talking to her But she shuffled off Did you offer her a cookie or something? That might have helped

Yeah, she had things to do You crushed this woman She had things to do She had sad to be elsewhere She had things to do, like homework See, do you hear how we're That was wild Some track practice.

She was building a float. Wow. What? Like a homecoming float. Yeah, I got that. Yeah, come on. Arts high school. What's a homecoming float?

She definitely didn't go to regular high school. What? Seriously, what's a homecoming float? Homecoming is like the... I know what homecoming is. I didn't know there was floats involved. Parade? It's like a mini... There's a parade? There's a paradecoming? Homecoming is like the... I know what homecoming is. I didn't know there was floats involved. Parade? It's like a mini...

There's a parade? There's a parade for every homecoming. They rent flatbed trucks, and each class, freshman, sophomore, junior... It's like a Rose Bowl parade. It's like a mini Rose Bowl parade, and you put chicken wire, and you put tissue paper. But how can you even have a parade? Isn't there only like a thousand people in the high school? How do they...

No, it's like four floats, usually, usually right it's not a huge thing of floats maybe the kiwanis club sponsors one that's right the lions marching band walks through and yeah marching band and then one of the themes of the floats is the 80s or we went to high school in the 80s so yeah it is now was now yeah things that are going on currently kitschy in some way i can't wait till this is not your your theme was novel aspects of contemporary culture exactly that's right aren't our pants funny currently just a giant piano tie jordan i think i think you're i think you're doing good. I think you're making progress.

And doing well. You made a joke that was inappropriate, certainly. It was hurtful, absolutely. Yeah. But you stayed engaged. You stayed in there. Locked eyes. Locked eyes.

It's like that, again, again. I don't want to say I've been watching a lot of documentaries, but I was watching one about the guy who owned those exotic cats like he owned he was trying to be the next guy he was trying to be no he was trying to be the next uh like siegfried and roy and he like purchased all these like really like a white tiger but he shouldn't have had the white tiger and so he was gay but also straight and had a relationship with the other guy who was the handler and the woman like the three of them had like a three-way marriage i think it's called bisexual well maybe but uh gay and also straight is you're talking about you're

talking about there's a term for that you're talking about the white tiger right yes it's been contracted anyway there was a point in time where the white tiger killed bisexual tiger yes it's a bisexual tiger that wound up mauling and killing both the other man and the woman. It's actually another Japanese candy, bisexual tiger. Bisexual tiger tastes a lot like the corn potage. Yeah. Corn potage. Sunset.

And so he – but the tiger had killed both those people and then just kind of stayed around focusing on – and that's basically what you had done. You had destroyed a bisexual relationship and then just kind of stayed there with the taste of blood in your mouth. What else can I eat? And then the only difference was that the white tiger was put down. Jordan, I just – all I'm saying is I think you have a bright future and sure. Looking at somebody's eyes and doing this, it just makes it worse, but it's the first step on the road to recovery because you're,

you're still staying in there. You're still taking your punches, mostly delivering punches to an already punch drunk opponent. Right. Someone who's already been punched out and it's a woman. Sure. But I still would say, granted, the woman has been worked over by her job at Kroger's. Wherever.

Wherever she might be. God bless her. Coldstone Creamery. I am saying she's got a really bad leak in the roof of her rabbit convertible. Yes. We've all been there. She's having carb really bad leak in the roof of her rabbit convertible. Yes, we've all been there. She's having carburetor troubles. But, Jordan, what I'm saying is I think there's a silver lining to this cloud, which is that you're engaged, you're with it, you're there.

You're staying in there. Yeah, and I think pretty soon you're not going to be making jokes at people's expense. It's going to be like cash cab. You're going to be making people's days brighter by asking them a trivia question, giving them money if they get it right. Ben Bailey. Ben Bailey, very funny comedian. There you go, right?

Yeah. So we're on it. This is great. I think it's great news, Sklars. I've never been happier. Not since I had my first piece of black black have I been missing later. Which was recently But I'm just in the pantheon of history

We'll be back in just a second I'm Jordan Jesse, go Love you, love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you, love you It's Jordan, Jesse Goe. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Randy and Jason Sklar, the Black Black of the Operation.

Mm-hmm. The Black Black of this operation. I love it. I love it, Jordan. I do, too. I love these guys. The weird-tasting, Jordan. I do, too. I love these. The weird-tasting, ambiguous gum candy. This operation.

I want to say I'm still chewing it, and I feel like I've lost the ability to do math. Simple subtraction, gone. I feel like I've lost the ability to use consonants when writing. Like, if you chew it for more than two hours, you will not be able to pee standing up. Black Black takes away certain motor skills. I chewed that Black Black for six hours, and now I can no longer drive a stick shift. I can't turn left in a car.

I have to make four right turns. It's a stroke on your senses. The Squire belongs, should they recover their faculties, which not a certain, but a probable, I would say. Eventually they're going to stop chewing the black black. They're going to regain their faculties. I've got to get off this black black. You can see them on the Back on Tops web series.

It's on the Fox Sports website. It's also on YouTube. I would say YouTube is the best place to go because they literally tell you the counts, and it's a great way to kind of see how many people have seen what you've done. What you're trying to say is a lot of people have seen it that way. You hope that a lot of people will see it. You're just bragging. I hope a lot of people will see it.

A lot of people have seen it. It's great. It has some really great people. Brian Husky from the Naked Babies and our pal Janet Varney from the San Francisco Sketch Fest, and what's that show called? Dinner and a Movie. A lot of great funny people, a lot of funny athletes. Yes.

Great athlete cameos. Dennis Rodman. Dennis Rodman came on the set and sexually harassed one of our actresses, which was great. Let's use it. Let's use it. Let's use that. Baron Davis.

Baron Davis was actually really funny. He's got a nice beard, too. A handsome man with a handsome beard. A very well-coiffed beard. A careful beard. Well-groomed. I think all basketball players should. As soon as I saw Baron Davis, I thought, basketball players need beards.

Like, what's going on here? Some, though, the beards are not as, like, Drew Gooden had, like, a beard that would have made Amish people upset. They don't get upset about anything. Drew Gooden is a basketball player. He's not related to Doc Gooden at all? Not related to Doc Gooden. Not at all. Unfortunately.

Because if he would, he'd be bailing him out. Right. Over and over. He'll lend him a hand. They also have a compact disc of their comedy stylings available from our friends at AST Records. I don't remember what the name of it is. Sklar Maps.

Sklar Maps. Sklar Maps. There you go. And you guys were on the Santa Yunga America. We interviewed you on the Santa Yunga America when that came out. So there's some clips of that in that interview there on themaximumfun.org. There's an important, Jordan, action item this week. Yes. This is a big action item.

Okay? This is something we're blowing the roof off of the world of podcasting with this um penguin in the pants penguin in the pants let's see it i want an expression of penguin in the pants i don't look if you just want to draw a picture of a penguin in somebody's pants that's fine that's taking it very literally but we're not we're not expecting a literal response it's like an acting exercise it could be a penguin in a pair of penguin wearing a pair of pants oh that'd be cute in the pants that would be cute it's like this or penguin penguin clothing munson wear pants if if i said my dad is a bear in the morning, would you think that I was half bear?

No, you'd think my dad, when he hasn't had his coffee, is some sort of weird gay bondage guy. Which, by the way, which. It's a hairy gay. By the way, now that I, all the things you just said, it's so funny because on many levels. He's trying to wrap the show up. You can't really comment. I don't care. We can talk about it.

When we sit down and talk and when we chat, I feel very much – It's your show. We feel very much on the same page in many ways. Right. And in the same me-you, in the same social. But when you just said my dad, when he doesn't have his coffee in the morning, is a real bear, I myself am a father. And when I don't have my coffee in the morning is a real bear i myself am a father and when i don't have my coffee in the morning i'm a real bear so i just became the object of which you talked about which places

me so far away from you and that made me sad that didn't happen with the piano tie thing no no i thought that was the concern with the piano tie thing no no he laughed at it he laughed i know it was delightful i'm not questioning that it was delightful. It was one of the highlights of the program. I'm not going to say it was as good as the potato with french fry legs, which for me is not just a highlight of the program. When you see it, we're going to watch the clip with you. We're going to watch the clip with you after the show, and I literally will be very happy. I can't wait. So the Sklars, you can follow up with the Sklars.

We've got this amazing action item. There's two ways you can do it. Of course, we've got the forum, Maximfund.org slash forum a lot of the most popular listeners they're on the forum a cracksworth for example if we just if you're talking about a cracksworth or a mafu john um those are the kind of people who you can really believe in and there of course you find them on the forum um so you can post your photos on the forum. You can send them to me. I can put them up at jesseatmaximumfun.org or jjgoatmaximumfun.org. Or if it's something musical or something like a little story you could tell, you could call it in, 206-984-4FUN, the number to call.

You know, we're just exploring, Jordan. We're fucking explorers of the mind. Right? It should all be sponsored by Arby's. Again, 28 roast beefs, three bucks. Yeah. So as much roast beef as you want. $3.

A Mission Viejo gate booth full of roast beef. $3. Damn, somebody just dropped the arm on this one Drop it on this thing Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design Available on Best of The Free Design Which is called Kites Are Fun

On Light in the Attic Isn't that a wonderful song? Kites Are Fun is the best song Hilariously fantastic It just glows in your heart Doesn't it? Light in the Attic Records is the thing. And Jordan.

Yes. More important than anything else, we're doing a live show at San Francisco Sketch Fest, Monsters of Podcasting. Yes. Jordan, Jesse, go. You look nice today. Two of the greatest comedy podcasts literally in history, Jordan, in history. January 25th at the Eureka Theater in San Francisco, part of the San Francisco Sketch Comedy Festival. In the history of this young and insignificant medium, we are the most famous...

Yeah, you know who's the most famous? It's like Keith and the Girl or something. We're not even anything. Yeah, we're no Sexy French Maid podcast. Oh, fuck that shit. Isn't that the most famous podcast? That's the most famous thing. Sexy French Maid. It's just a commercial for something, the podcast. Fuck that.

Fuck that shit. Fuck them. Whoa. Now I'm freaking out again. You're freaking out. We brought it full circle. Yeah. And not all the black black in the world could have stopped that.

We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go.