Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 87: The Desert Bluff

Episode Date: February 2, 2009

Jesse and Jordan discuss the preparation of crack cocaine, townies and The Darkish Teal Ribbon for Maximum Fun Awareness.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, brandy, maggoty, netty, tw the townie, awareness raising, and much, much more. Let's go.

It's Jordan and Jesse Go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. It feels good to be here, Jordan. I'm feeling electric. Wow. I'm sorry to say, I don't think I'm going to deliver up to your expectations. I am feeling electric. Yeah.

Well, get ready for a letdown, because I'm feeling warm and moist. But, you know, whatever. If you can self-sustain this electric feeling, go for it. But you're not going to get any help on my end. Jordan. If you want kind of a hot squish... Jordan, ask me this. Then you're going to come to me. What's warm and wet?

I can't think of anything immediately. Like a curry? Bread soaked in tea. Oh, okay. Bread soaked in tea is warm and wet. What's a conductor? It's like a copper rod. Bread soaked in tea is a conductor.

Oh, I see where you're going on this. I'm feeling electric. You're bread soaked in tea. I'm like a lightning bolt. You're like bread soaked in tea. Man, we've got a Tesla coil on our hands, it sounds like. Wow. You're actually doing hand motions.

I'm shooting electricity. Oh, you're shooting electricity. The good news is, Jordan, the good news is that I have outfitted this room with lightning rods. Benjamin Franklin's great invention to control lightning strikes so you will not be struck by lightning unless unless you wear like a world war one uh german helmet the kind with the the pointy part like the kaiser would wear or i put one of the lightning rods in my mouth yeah well you have been diddling around with that one lightning rod. Jordan, do you want to know why I'm feeling so good? Yeah, please. Because it's

about this. We've been podcasting for a long time. Years, Jordan. We've been monsters of podcasting for quite some time. Sure. But what's the thing that confirms someone's commitment, someone's credibility, someone's significance in a given field? What's the thing that demonstrates more than any other that you really are ready to shoot lightning bolts from your fingers? In this case, it would be metaphorically. Obviously, I'm literally shooting the lightning bolts from my fingers. In this case, it would be metaphorically, obviously, I'm literally shooting my lightning bolts through my fingers. Oh, getting mentioned in Entertainment Weekly.

Right, but we haven't been mentioned in Entertainment Weekly. I mean, why would I bring up the one that we haven't? Is there another one? I mean, that's basically all I can think of that grants someone credibility. I was just going to say getting injured, doing something. Oh, okay. Well, that's something, too. Yeah, you have a podcasting-related injury, right?

I guess it's now getting mentioned in Entertainment Weekly, though. I mean, that's the—I was really excited about it. No, but no, you have a podcast relating injury. Maybe the first podcast related injury ever in the history of the medium, right? I don't think anyone else has ever had a significant injury. I mean, we're talking about

I'm looking here, six inches by four inches. Yeah. Red, blue, purple, green, all on my hip. I'm not sure what the feed order is going to be, but during our live show in San Francisco, our live show with the Monsters of Podcasting,

Jesse attempted an amazing stunt. I don't know, attempted? Would you say that you completed the stunt? I completed the stunt, absolutely. Jesse completed a stunt.esse gracefully completed a stunt yeah uh you can tell the story i'll just make any corrections sure sure that's fine uh jesse uh uh attempted a stunt elegantly standing on a stage table uh flying across a stage table uh breaking it in two and falling on the ground exploding it

with my charisma sure and falling on the ground and falling on the ground okay that part's correct okay falling very very hard yeah in front of the ground of a uh live theater audience um including my mother including your mother and um yeah i think this might be the first ever recorded podcast injury. No one has ever been injured podcasting before, Jordan. No. This is an all-time first. Do you think the gals from Stuff You Missed in History Class are exerting themselves to the point of injury? No.

Do you think Grammar Girl has ever pulled a hamstring telling you what you're getting wrong in your grammar-ing? Maybe the guy from Creative Screenwriting Magazine does chin-ups while he interviews the writer of Milk. He gets strong when he does that, but he doesn't hurt himself. I mean, that's an easy way. He stretches first. You can pull something. No, he stretches first. Okay, that's an easy way he stretches first pull something no he stretches first okay that's good all i'm saying jordan is that the podcasting landscape yeah if

you look out at this landscape in action i have filled with sedentary it is a desert chubba lubbs it is a desert of chubba lub with a with a great bluff of me getting injured for my craft. Towering out of the desert. It's like an Arizona type scene. And you're one of those rabbits with the giant ear rabbits. You know those kind of rabbits I'm talking about? It has a lot of ears. It has a big ear so it can collect or radiate out heat. So it doesn't get overheated sure so you're one of those i'm this grand beautiful bluff like this mountain bluff um and probably the other monsters of podcasting are those kind of

saguaro cactuses that you look nice today guys are those kind of saguaro cactuses where it looks kind of like a guy with his arm like one arm up and one arm down like he's doing muscle no sure and they're just showing off their muscles and then all the people at the eureka theater um those are those little lizards those colored lizards they got, they got the hot feet. Yeah. Hot feet. Hot. Hot. Hot feet. Hot feet. And then the world of actual media is buzzards circling around our heads. Yeah. Waiting to pick our corpses clean.

That's called painting a picture. I just painted a picture, Jordan. You did, and it's very clear what you're talking about. Yeah, I'm talking about... I'm glad you did that. It definitely made things more clear instead of more confusing. I'm talking about getting a severe bruise, Jordan. It definitely made things more clear instead of more confusing. I'm talking about getting a severe bruise, Jordan. Sure.

Becoming badly bruised... While podcasting. While podcasting. I climbed up on that table, Jordan. Is that cool or sad? It's both. Okay. Yeah, I mean, it depends who you're talking to. I'd say 98% of the time it's sad.

Mm. Because somebody's going to be like, what's podcasting? Sure. Or they're going to say, I got an iPod for Christmas, but I don't know how to put music on it. Right. That's what somebody usually tells me when I tell them I do podcasting. So I got an iPod for Christmas, but I don't know how to put music on it.

Yeah. They just use it to, you know, prop up a wobbly table. Well, you just use the, you know five or ten pre-loaded songs on it yeah absolutely it's like a beethoven song and then uh maybe something from the brazilian girls the plain white teas sure plain white teas is on there plain white teas record on there yeah and then you look at the pre-load pictures. There's like a mountain landscape. I got some really nice landscapes with my Zoom. Did you get any nice, like... Yeah, I got some nice landscapes.

I got Dave Brubeck songs on there. Sure. Absolutely. Like Take Five? It's not Take Five. It's a lesser Brubeck song. There are only two kinds of Brubeck songs. Take Five and...

And his entire rest of his bodyck songs. Take Five and his entire rest of his body of work. Yeah, exactly. Well, Jordan, I think that I have demonstrated my bona fides, as they say. I'm the new star of the show. I appreciate you sticking around.

Do I have to cop to that? Am I going to have to hurt myself worse or do something more spectacular if I want to stay in the game? Yeah, I mean, do I have to like cop to that? Am I going to have to hurt myself worse or do something more spectacular if I want to like, you know, stay in the game? Yeah. I mean, you have a lot to live up to. Sure. I look, Jordan, I love having you here.

You're a good friend of mine. I'm willing to let you drag down the show for a little while. Okay. Just because we have such a long history together. Thank you. I mean, that's nice. I mean, if it was somebody else, I'm sure they would just be out of here. And I know that you really care about the show and about charity, your charity efforts, your charity work.

It's more like awareness raising. I don't like to actually collect money. I just let people know about stuff that's going on. Exactly. And so I'm giving you a pass collect money. I just, you know, let people know about stuff. Exactly. What's going on. Exactly. And so I'm giving you a pass for now. Thank you. You've got about 45 minutes of on-air time to see what you can pull out of your hat, metaphorically speaking. Sure.

Will it be one of those rabbits with the giant ears? Again, metaphorically speaking. If I could take this opportunity to complicate the metaphor a little bit. Just throwing it out there. Does it have to be... Do I actually have to hurt myself, or can I just do something comparably amazing?

I'd prefer that you hurt yourself. Sure. Just because then I don't have to hurt you. Yeah. He's probably going to come to that. But if you do something comparably amazing, you know, it certainly would buy you time. Okay.

Let me put it that way. It would buy you time. Okay. Well, that's what I'm looking for at this point. Just as... Come on, borrow time as it is. Just as if the rabbit confuses the coyote, it buys him time.

Hot feet. Hot feet. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, we don't talk a lot about um the charity work that we do no in the past we haven't kind of a be kind of a dick move but

strapped for content this week obviously we don't we don't do the charity work for the recognition that it brings yeah a lot of people i mean we get a lot of recognition from it. Sure. We're legends among the homeless, among the Hmong community. Sure. You know, displaced Laotian people. Sick dogs. Absolutely.

If you ask, seriously, this is like a challenge to the audience. Go out and find a sick dog. Ask him if he's ever heard of Jordan Morris. One bark for yes, two barks for no. You know how many barks you're going to get, Jordan? The yes number. Yeah, one bark, exactly. A single bark. Because you are like, have you ever seen the show All Creatures Great and Small?

I haven't. I'm too busy helping sick dogs to watch TV. There you go. Exactly. My point, exactly. Anyway, what we really like to focus on, and I think this is probably the most important part of doing charity work, of helping others. A lot of people will suggest to you erroneously that direct service is what's most important. Sure.

And certainly there is, I guess, a place for direct service. I guess, yeah. Who are we to say, you know, do away with it? Yeah. I mean, you know, the Lord looks kindly on all good works, I think is in the Bible. on all good works, I think is in the Bible. So certainly direct service is something that can happen, and we're not going to prevent it from happening. But we try and focus on the important part of doing charitable work. That's awareness raising. If I learned anything in my four years at the University of California at Santa at santa cruz is that one of the

greatest problems that we face as a people as a nation is ignorance sure ignorance of things that we should be aware of yeah lack of awareness It's a disease. Too many people spend their time gaining in-depth understanding of things... Sure. ...or taking action on various subjects, matters, and issues when they should be focusing on becoming aware of more things. See, here's kind of someone's initial instinct when they hear about a problem. Right off the bat. You know, do something about it. Exactly.

You know, go down to the homeless shelter and, you know, sweep up or organize. You know, go down to your church and help reorganize their filing system. We want to say, get rid of that impulse. This is not about filing. No. Here's, I think, the... Yes, awareness raising is harder. Right.

It's, you know, more thankless thankless look you have to do you have to do serious work you have to uh you have to distribute you have to write and distribute pamphlets you have to throw a party and book your friend's band you have to build a papier mache head of ralph nader you have to make a really really cute t-shirt that's really, I mean, that's like, that's a cute, like something people would want to wear. Not only that, you have to pay a markup on the t-shirt. Absolutely. That's the awareness raising markup. You know, if you're paying regular price, it's just a regular t-shirt. It's not going to raise any awareness. You have to write a hip-hop poem exactly performance

these are the brave these are the difficult things these are the real heroes sure imagine if more people had known about terrorism september 11th might never have happened yeah absolutely if only you here's what you could do you're like i'm just in a small town. You know, what can I do? You know, there's probably a local rock venue. Right. Rent it out. Get your friend's bands to play. Maybe if your

boyfriend is a comedian, he can do a set. Jordan. Yeah. Look in my eyes here. There's one issue that is more pressing than any other. People talk about all these issues Yeah. Look in my eyes here. Hmm. There's one issue. Yeah. That is more pressing than any other. People talk about all these issues across our great nation. Sure. They talk about fish getting caught in submarines.

They talk about hot air balloon collapses. They talk about, I guess there's other problems. Those are the main ones I focus on. Sometimes McDonald's will catch fire. This is the kind of stuff that you hear people talking about every day. But there's one issue that people are afraid to talk about. One issue that people are terrified to talk about. One issue that needs not just an awareness-raising campaign,

but a symbol, a powerful symbol, that will allow people... It's sort of like you have to give people permission. Yeah. You know what I mean? You've got to give people permission to talk about it. That's MaximumFun.org, our website. Sure.

Jordan, what do you see in my hand here? It's a length of ribbon. Would you describe the color as like a darkish teal? Yeah, it's probably, you know, dark to mid-dark. Now, okay. I'm going to cut off a little length of this ribbon. Now, I just want you to... Right now, it just looks like some ribbon I bought at the craft store in Glendale.

Yeah. But if I do a simple twist with the ribbon, what do you see now? I see... A powerful symbol of hope? Sure. A powerful symbol of hope? Yeah, and strength. Awareness?

Sure. This is the darkish teal ribbon for MaximumFun.org awareness. Right here. It's a length of ribbon. You can wear it on your lapel. You can tie it around your finger. Yeah. You can wear it on your dong.

You can put it in your car window. You can glue it to your face. Sure. Run it through your nose. If you have one of those nose piercings, it goes through your, what's that called, your septum? Yeah. I think that's called your septum.

You can use it as dental floss. Yeah. If you're flossing publicly. Why not? What this ribbon is... Because people are looking at you. If you're flossing publicly, people are looking at you. You might as well say something.

What this ribbon... With that floss. What this ribbon is, is a powerful symbol of a raising awareness of MaximumFun.org, of Jordan Jesse Goh, of The Sound of Young America, of the Casper Hauser Comedy Podcast, of The Forum, of all of these things that there are literally every day, Jordan, every day that you don't do anything, one billion children

are not aware of MaximumFun.org. Children in Africa, children in Asia, even in Appalachia, right here in the United States of America. Sure, absolutely. You know, people don't want to think that, you know, their own countrymen are unaware of MaximumFun.org, but it's you know it's people don't want to think that you know their own countrymen are unaware of maximumfund.org but it's true they are what and sorry sorry if that bursts your happy little suburban bubble your everything is oh fun if it's fine because obama's president bubble sorry just because uh racism is over does not mean that ignorance is over, Jordan.

Just because Aretha Franklin wears one nice hat doesn't mean... Do you follow me, Jordan? No, I... Yeah. It couldn't be any easier to follow. I am seriously about to cry. I seriously have tears in my mind that are probably going to come out of my face. You know, you should save that for our big awareness-themed fondue party that we're going to have.

My friend's band's going to play. We need help, Jordan. We can't do this ourselves. Yeah. We can help. Jordan, you can help do this ourselves. Yeah. We can help. Jordan, you can help all the sick dogs in America yourself. Yeah. I plan to.

You know? I can help renovate theme parks myself. We can work on important issues. But this is an issue that's bigger than each of us. The only way we can meet the demands of this issue is if we work on it, all of us. Yes. Not each of us, Jordan, all of us. Let's talk a little bit about what kind of stuff we're going to do.

Number one, Brian the intern, a very good intern, has created a set of buttons featuring the darkish teal ribbon for maximum fun awareness. Now, before there's any confusion, I know what you're thinking. My mother, my sister, I suffered from ovarian cancer. The teal ribbon symbolizes ovarian cancer. Yes, the teal ribbon does. This is the darkish teal ribbon. It's a different kind of teal.

A totally different teal. It's a little darker. I don't think when you see it, you'll be confused. No, you'll see it and you'll know right away. Oh, that's not ovarian cancer. Exactly. It's a, yeah. Okay.

So you can put it on your internet website. That's the e-presence portion. Sure. But I want to know, what are you going to do to raise awareness in the public are you going to hold an event probably should how about a stitching bitch that's fun i want awareness raising stitching bitch how about that jordan make some pillow covers what are you going to make are you going to make something yeah with the darkish teal ribbon on it is it going to be cute because if it's ugly people aren't going to look at it.

No, it's going to lower their awareness. Their awareness won't be raised. I'm throwing this out as a challenge. Okay. Look, we've put some ribbons on the internet. If you send me a self-addressed stamped envelope at 720 South Normandy Avenue, number 512, Los Angeles, California

90005, an address that's on the website if you click on About. Sure, I'll send you an actual physical ribbon. But it's about taking the next step here, Jordan. This isn't some bullshit where you can get away with doing nothing. Yeah. This isn't some bullshit where you can get away with just duplicating something on your blog, changing your avatar on Facebook to the blue ribbon.

You know? Yeah. That's great, but... We want to know, what are you going to do? How are you going to get out there in public, and how are you going to involve your friend's band? Are you going to screen print t-shirts? Are you going to make an eyeglass cozy? For your eyeglasses.

It's like a tea cozy, but it's for you to keep your eyeglasses warm. Sure. Because you don't want the top of your ears to get cold. Yeah. I'm throwing it out there, Jordan. Let us know what you're doing. 206-984-4FUN. You know, that's the number.

Jordan Jesse Go at JJGo at MaximumFun.org. That's our email address. You know, we have a forum here. There's already a thread on the forum. People are already committing themselves to the darkish teal ribbon for maximum fun awareness. Are you going to wear the ribbon at the upcoming Oscars

telecast? Exactly. Who is going to wear the ribbon? Yeah. Sure. Sure, Bill Hader. You wore your Sound of Young America t-shirt under a jacket in the Saturday Night Live intro one year. Sure, Tom Lennon. You've been wearing your Sound of Young America t-shirt under a jacket in the Saturday Night Live intro one year. Sure, Tom Lennon, you've been wearing your Sound of Young America t-shirt around town. Sure, celebrities, you've done something, but are you really raising awareness?

Yeah, let's take a minute to talk specifically to the celebrities. If you're not a celebrity, go ahead and fast forward. Turn it down for a second. Yeah. Celebrities, this is a great opportunity to improve your standing in the in the world scene you could become uh like a pele a hero the world around pele is it pronounced haven't heard about pele in a while like a pele somebody that people really care about jordan like a pele for example you know what I mean? My headphones came out. Oh, Christ.

Well, I guess that's as good a note as any to end this thing on, huh? 206-984-4FUN is the number to call. JJGo at MaximumFun.org. Jordan, you're just poking it at the board. You're not putting it in the slot. What are you doing, Jordan? You're just making a mockery of this entire process there it goes i just want to speak specifically to odette

yestman okay odette yestman you're the new it girl yeah sure the unborn was huge right cloverfield was huge absolutely you've had several maxim spreads. Sure. Now's the time. People want to know, who is this girl? What does she stand for? Is she one of those Scientologists? Is she, you know, is she into AIDS? Is she into sick dogs? No, you're not.

That's my thing. You know what I'd like to see? You know what I'd like to see? Hmm. I'd like to see a starlet. Yeah. With pierced nipples. Okay.

And I'd like there to be a bluish, darkish teal ribbon. Mm-hmm. Somehow incorporated into that. Right. Maybe a nice lingerie. I don't know, Yesman. Ball's in your court. We're putting it in your court.

Yeah. Can we open it back up to America? Oh, sure, yeah. Okay, you can start listening now if you're not famous. You can start listening again. The time to do this is now. Look, if this is about prizes, I'll send out prizes. I don't give a shit.

All right, fine. I've got fucking prizes here. We've got them. We've got CDs and shit. I don't even know. I've got a cabinet full of crap that I don't give a shit. All right, fine. I've got fucking prizes here. We've got them. We got CDs and shit. I don't even know what... I got a cabinet full of crap that I don't want. I'll send it to you. I've got Fuel TV swag bags to send out.

Make this happen, okay? This is... It's now or never. You know? It's like the last polar bear. You know what I mean? If it gets eaten by a salmon, we're all out of luck. Our children won't be able to enjoy polar bears.

Look, if you need a ribbon... God knows I've enjoyed polar bears for years. Send me a self-addressed stamped envelope. If you need the graphics, you can find them on the message board or on the blog right now. But ultimately, this is about what can you do for us. You know what I mean? This is about building a movement. Movements come from awareness.

And ended awareness. If you want to have a MaximumFun.org gala ball, we will... I've got a ball gown. If it's a good clientele, if it's a good, cute clientele,

Jesse and I will show up in person and give some sort of commencement speech. If it's not, you know, if it's not cute, if the people are like sixes or sevens, then we'll do something via satellite. Yeah, absolutely. We'll send a videotaped address.

We'll use YouStream.tv. We don't care. Sure. I'll wear a tuxedo. So yeah, just let us know where and when the ball is happening and how cute you anticipate the attendees

to be. Five to seven videotaped address. If most people are between a seven and a ten, then we'll be there in person. Under five, we'll send a note. We're glad to send a note. We'll both sign it. I'll sign it. I'll have Brian sign it, but with my name. So there you go. We're making a

movement, Jordan. At the end of the day, that's what this is about. Building a movement is about awareness. It's like Che always said. A movement is made up of one thing. Awareness. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Oh, man. We're living the life, Jordan. Yeah. Here we are. It's a beautiful Sunday here in Los Angeles. Everybody else is digging in. My friend at Public Radio International, Heidi, she's my contact at Public Radio International. radio international apparently she's got a uh this is a um a middle-aged woman has to climb on the roof of her house and dig a channel through the ice and then put nylons filled with rock salt

into the channel or something doesn't she know that sunny los angeles exists i know tell me about it here we are let her know so she can move here. We're sipping pina coladas. You know? We got those little, you know, a drink comes with an umbrella, you put it behind your ear. Oh, yeah. That's us right now. As a signal that you're ready to party. Absolutely. Speaking of ready to party, this has been on my mind for a while, and I just wanted to open it up to the community at large.

Absolutely. We got tens of thousands of people, not to mention all the new people who are becoming aware of MaximumFun.org, thanks to our efforts. If everybody's doing their job. Come on. Okay, so you and I went to college, UC Santa Cruz. UCSC.

I think a very standard college town. It has maybe a little more hippy-dippy than most, but kind of has all the conventions of the college town. It has, you know, maybe a little more hippy-dippy than most, but kind of, you know, has all the conventions of the college town. A lot of bookstores and hummus. Sure. And one of the big, you know, always the struggles or the dynamics in the college town seems to be college kids v. townies.

Yeah, sure, locals. There's the people who live there and don't go to college there, which is a little weird. And then there's the, you know, then there's the college set. And there's always some kind of odd awkwardness when these two worlds

smack into each other. Absolutely. My senior year, I lived with some friends from KZSC, our college radio station. Back where we used to do The Sound of Young America, back in the college years. Sure. Available free on iTunes. And it was kind of a big, kind of old Victorian-style house, and five of us from the radio station lived there.

And three of these were... You had a Fry Daddy, if I recall. Yeah, we had a Fry Daddy. We had a communal Fry Daddy. Sure. For frying. For frying. And three of these were, you know, what you describe as cute indie rock girls.

Yeah, absolutely. Adorable. Sure, absolutely. And they always had this experience where they would be kind of walking home, and there would be one particular townie on his porch, and he would be drinking on the porch. And he would always try and get them to come and drink with him, and he would kind of use this technique, where he would say something like, Greetings, lovely madams.

Can I interest thou in some libations that have been known to impair the judgment? And kind of the quality of all of these requests where they were kind of in this verbose, kind of histrionic, maybe like half Shakespearean, half just bombast, like he would just use these, you know, these kind of, this flowery language to say, come have a drink with me. And I think this, I feel like I run into this a lot, this coaxing into partying by using this kind of dumb, half Shakespeareanakespearean-speak way. This, you know... When they should be using a completely different speak way. Some grog for m'lady, looking lovely in her accoutrement.

Do you think this is a characteristic of people who have only interacted with females in Ultima Online? I don't know. I don't know. And I feel like this needs a name. Okay. And this isn't exclusively fat townies. Yeah, that's what's amazing about it.

This is like, I've seen dudes in bars do this. I've seen, you know, I've seen dudes at house parties do this. Like, yeah, yeah, just the, you know. A round of drinks for the lovely maidens who have come to forget the troubles of the workaday. You know, like, A, stop it. A roofie for m'lady? Sure. But more specifically, I feel like this needs a name this practice needs a name this bizarre false courtliness yeah right it's sort of designed to cover up for the

awkwardness of offering to buy someone a drink sure what can i give you or in this guy's case hand someone a drink that's in a styrofoam cooler on your porch next to your kite board. Wait, what's a kite board? It's a surfboard that's pulled by a kite. What? Yeah. That's not real. Yeah, it's real.

It's a surfboard that's pulled by a kite? Yeah. Is this some kind of extreme sport? This is something that maybe the extreme sports community looks at as a little bit silly. Because it's so ridiculous. Yeah. That even the extreme sports community... at as a little bit silly. Because it's so ridiculous. Yeah. That even the extreme sports community... They're like, really?

It's not like that skateboard that's powered by a jack-in-the-box. I don't know what that is, but no, it doesn't sound... It's a surfboard powered by a kite. So in other words, what we're looking for here is a name for this phenomenon. Yeah. words what we're looking for here is a name for this phenomenon yeah it's the phenomenon of uh the absurdly complex invitation right right it's even hard to talk about it's even kind of hard to i mean it's a phenomenon and i feel like people this has happened to everybody or everybody's heard this or you know god forbid maybe even done it but i don't yeah i just don't know what to call

it or how because it seems to be rampant just don't know what to call it or how, because it seems to be rampant. Well, action item, what is that called? Yeah. And how about this for another action item? This is a double action item story, I think. Here's the second action item. What is the strangest experience you've had with a townie? Yeah. In college, whether you're in college now, or you've graduated from college and you had this experience, college now uh or you've graduated from college and you had this experience what was the weird experience you had in a college town with a townie and what is the name of this bizarre practice that goes on not just with townies of course sure that's why we can split this into two action frequently do it yeah absolutely because there's college chicks around all the time they're really excited about that 206-984-4FUN is our uh telephone number 206-984-4FUN is our telephone number.

206-984-4FUN. Spells fun. Sure. Am I right, Jordan, or am I right? That spells fun. Okay, well, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, how to try, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, how to try this on for size. Two sponsors this week. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

You can sponsor Jordan, Jesse Goh if you're out there and you want to sponsor Jordan, Jesse Goh. You can. You can do it for one episode. You can do it for two episodes. You can do it for a month. You can do it for six months. Yeah. This show can be all yours. Surprisingly affordable.

Hey, are we willing to tack on Something Something Presents Jordan Jesse Go? Yeah, absolutely. For the right price. For the right price, we would be glad to. Yeah. We're not going to put it in iTunes. No. We'll put it on the blog, though.

We'll say it, though. We'll say it. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, of course. Look. How does this sound? Yeah. How does this sound?

Hardee's Presents Jordan Jesse Go. I don't like Hardee's. For the right price, you do. Can we do Arby's? Oh, yeah, we can definitely do. I mean, I might do Arby's gratis. Those are some good sandwiches. Oh, come on.

Are you kidding? Inexpensive. Oh, absolutely inexpensive. They got two sauce choices as well. It's a great value. You got barbecue and horsey sauce. I'll do Hardee's. Just do Hardee's, man.

I'll do Hardee's. It's not going to kill you. So they don't have horsey sauce. So what? Bigee's. Just do Hardee's, man. I'll do Hardee's. It's not going to kill you. So they don't have horsey sauce. So what? Big deal. You know what I mean? They have a burger with onion rings on it, I think. Can I bring up the issue of horses? Yes. One of our sponsors, Night and Day Studios. Yes.

They make iPhone games. One of the best iPhone games, at least one of the best iPhone games I've ever heard of is one of their games, Peekaboo Barn. Now, Jordan, I know what you're saying. I know exactly what happens. No, you don't, Jordan. Here's what happens, okay?

You see a barn jumping up and down. Then you hear an animal noise coming from inside the barn. What animal is in the barn? You tap the barn to find out what the animal is. Then, once you go through ten different animals, the animals do what? They have a party in the barn. Wow. This all happens on your iPhone or iPod Touch? It's called

Peekaboo Barn, Jordan. It's for children and adults who love animals. Wow. That's not the only thing they offer, Jordan. You know how much this thing costs? Two dollars, Jordan. Two dollars for all that fun. I know! Tell me about it!

Why aren't you buying it now? Jordan, let's say you love the magazine Mental Floss. Sure. You know this magazine? It's like what you didn't know kind of magazine, okay? They have a trivia game developed by this studio that is called Big Fat Lies. There are 500 lies. You can play with up to four players.

There are sample questions that you can view before you even buy the game. It's $2! Jeez Louise. Sounds like this is an endless source of cocktail party conversation as well. Jordan, look at me in my eyes. Yeah. What happens when a classic comedian makes a joke?

I mean, it goes down in joke history. Jordan, what do you hear when a truly great comic makes a truly great joke? No, uproarious laughter. Besides laughter... Applause. And applause... People saying that was a good joke. The comedian

has a band. That's a hint. The comedian has a band. Oh, Rimshot. Rimshot Pro. For has a band that's a hint the comedian has a band oh rimshot rimshot pro for one dollar one dollar one dollar american you can go into the itunes store search for rimshot pro you get a program that will generate a rimshot for any joke no matter how good or bad all you have to have is your iphone or ipod touch you press to have is your iPhone or iPod Touch. You press the button, you get a rim shot. It doesn't matter how bad the joke is, Jordan. It's worth so much more than a buck.

It's an amazing, amazing, amazing situation that we're looking at here. And we would like to really personally, directly thank these folks and just check out peekaboo barn check out big fat lies check out rimshot pro you know this is amazing amazing work from night and day studios now I may have mentioned that we have two sponsors this week Jordan the second sponsor is a podcast created by our very own pod thinker. Colin Marshall writes the pod thoughts column on MaximumFun.org once a week. He reviews a podcast. It's just our way of helping people get some understanding of what's out there in the podcast universe.

And so I feel like, you know, it's not a lot of good, you know, guides to the world of podcasts. You might want to discover something about what you're about. So we got Colin, who's a journalist down in Southern California, to take care of podcasts. You might want to discover something about what you're about. So we got Colin, who's a journalist down in Southern California, to take care of this for us. Now, Colin's also an active member on our forum. They were talking about different stuff. They could do the different Maximum Thunsters. We're kicking back and forth ideas.

They came up with a great idea. It's a book club podcast. It's called Barely Literate. Barely Literate. You can check it out at colinmarshallradio.com. What it is, is a roundtable discussion between Maximum Funsters about a new book every week. They're happy to have new panelists, but they're also always looking for people to read the books, discuss them with them on the Maximum Fun Forum, check out the podcast. Everybody's Skyping in.

Sounds great. They're talking about books. They're talking about comics. They're talking about a new, cool book every episode on the Barely Literate podcast. I think this is a fantastic idea. I'm very proud. Look, even Maximum Funster Tiny Folk wrote the theme music for it. What? It's a collaboration project. This folk wrote the theme music for it. What?

It's a collaboration project. This is what the Internet's all about. People from all over the world collaborating. A collab. To talk about Ender's Game. You know what I mean? Yeah, specifically. That's what the Internet's for.

Specifically to discuss. I don't know if they've actually discussed. They are discussing Snow Crash on this week's book. So there you go. Snow Crash. Great. The podcast. So there you go. Snow Crash. Great. The podcast is called Barely Literate. If you're interested in sponsoring Jordan and Jesse Go, you can email me, jesse at maximumfund.org.

And, you know, we'll work out terms. You get a discount if you do more than one week, by the way, Jordan. Discount involved. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, it's been so long since we've been on the air.

It's literally been several weeks. Yes. As long as several weeks. Maybe even two weeks. Yeah. Three weeks. I can't even. It's between one and four.

We missed a week because we were both out of town. And then we did the Monsters of Podcasting. Then we didn't get back the Monsters of Podcasting audio in time to put it up before this weekend. This isn't going to go out for another day or two. I'm confused now. All I'm saying, Jordan, is that I had to screen 65 phone calls this morning. Wow. 65 telephone calls had piled up, and that was without any significant action items.

How many of them would you say were listenable? Very few. Sure. Even some of the ones I'm going to play are borderline unlistenable. But, you know, that's just how it works. Yeah. That's the power of user-generated content, Jordan. It's mostly bad. We have one of my favorite segments on the show, and it's probably one of your favorite segments on the show uh two is a segment called jordan was wrong now yeah that is a fave this is like that

this is a segment where uh listeners call in to tell us that jordan was wrong about people here's the thing here's the thing jordan makes a lot of mistakes here's the thing with jordan is wrong oh granted i've made some factual errors when talking about something, and I'm happy to accept my mistakes, but people are getting trigger-happy with this. They're saying I'm wrong when I'm joking about things. Jordan confuses the Green Lantern with the Green Arrow

a lot. A lot of the kind of mistakes. Anyway, let's take a listen to this. Let's take a lesson. Let's take a lesson. Hey, JJ Goh. This is Adam from Brooklyn. I would like to make a contribution to this let's take a lesson let's take a lesson hey jj go this is adam from brooklyn um i would like to make a contribution to the jordan made a mistake um pile uh he wouldn't call it a pile adam's family song when i believe he was trying to make a pun about some monsters um so that's that all right have a good dude. Okay, this is case in point.

That was a joke. That was a joke. Yeah. Here's the thing. Okay, here's the joke. If people don't remember it, I was doing Trader Joe's reviews. That's what Dan Rather said about those forged Air Force documents about George Bush. Jordan.

No, here's the thing. Okay, so to review the trader joe's sliced monster cheese i hummed the adams family theme song and then said i love monster cheese the joke was that i picked a different monster themed black and white sitcom jordan that font that font didn't even exist at the time. The Munster Cheese joke is an obvious one to make, and I flipped it by picking a different 50s monster-themed sitcom. So fucking, I can't believe I'm getting shit for this. Good news for you. Okay.

I'll let you occasionally fill in host on 60 Minutes 2. That's the compromise. How about that? Fair enough. You're not the anchor anymore? People don't tell, you know, when when

Mark Curry is making his joke about how people walk in a square way, people don't call him and say, you know, that would be an inefficient way to walk. No, that's an exaggerated version. What?

Don't bring Mark Curry into this. I'm sorry. I just got defensive. That guy's a true school Oakland Raider. He's a ghetto so-and-so from the Eastmont Mall. Okay? Really? Did you people not get that joke?

Really? Really? Did people think that that joke? Really? Really? Did people think that was an actual mistake? You can't just use the big dank defense every time. Yeah. Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart, and I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. This is Jordan, Jesse, go! Clothes, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, Brandy, Raggedy, Andy, Tweedledum and Tweedledee and Home Free. You know what we need?

A new segment on this show called Guy Who Called In Is Wrong. His name is Solomon Grundy. Yeah. Give me a break. Although, if that guy was joking, if that guy was trying to make a joke... What's the joke there, Jordan? What's the joke?

Well, I'm granted it's not as good a joke as saying a different black and white themed monster show. The theme of the shows is not that it's in black and white. All shows were in black and white at the time. Yeah, well, it was part of the theme. Look, this guy had an actual question, so I'm giving him a pass this time. He can host 60 Minutes, too. Hey, guys, this is Ab in Pennsylvania.

That's what I always do when I'm listening to your podcast in my car. I was wondering, you haven't done any personal questions in a while, so Jesse, I was wondering if you could explain anything about why it seems like you pretty much only like rap and to go further by usually sort of dismissing what I think might be called backpacker hip-hop or that kind of thing that middle-class white kids usually like. thing that middle-class white kids usually like. And I think it's interesting because most of the details about your life seem like totally the opposite of the culture of the rap that you talk about liking. Your other interests don't really fit with it too much.

To me, it seems like it'd be sort of like if a black guy who worked in a car wash and played a lot of pickup basketball liked almost onlyka, and specifically polka by authentic Polish bands. And Jordan, do you have any thoughts yourself about why Jesse seems to only like rap? Thanks. Bye. Now, Jordan, you're a great friend of mine. You're in my wedding party. You made a toast at my wedding sure planned your fucking bachelor party plan my bachelor party your fucking bachelor party

um i i feel like i i should you probably know me better than i know myself yeah i thought i would just let you you have this opportunity just to let this guy know. I was just sort of like, how I roll. Oh, yeah, Jesse smokes a lot of crack. So, you know, what music do you find more lyrics about crack smoking? Jordan. What? I smoke a lot of crack, but it's not why. I was just assumed.

It's not causal. Do you know the difference between correlation and causation, Jordan? Hmm. Just because I smoke a lot of crack and I listen to a lot of rap music doesn't mean that I listen to rap music because I smoke crack. Hmm. I'm sorry. Again, I guess that was specious reasoning on my part. Jordan.

I'm sorry. I grew up as an inner city youth. Sure. Specious reasoning on my part. Jordan. I'm sorry. I grew up as an inner city youth. Sure. Now, granted, I was a square inner city youth.

It was typically called a faggot. Sure. And frequently mugged. I'm not going to say frequently mugged. Periodically. Can you count the times you've been mugged on both hands? Yeah. periodically can you count the times you've been mugged on both hands yeah i think i've i've only been honestly in my childhood i was only actually mugged six to eight times okay you know with

weapons and stuff yeah but what about a shakedown these are these are weapon-based shakedowns okay i think i wasn't i think the thing is is you know, ultimately, I was a legitimate inner city youth in the sense that I only had $2. You know, through my entire childhood. I don't think I was probably 16 before I had more than $2 at a given time. So I think that there wasn't any value in consistently shaking me down. I didn't have any rich kid stuff. No Game Boy. Couldn't afford a Game Gear.

I did have a Lynx that a rich guy I knew gave me. Because he got a Game Gear that actually had games for it. Yeah, yeah. But I didn't carry that around. I wasn't an idiot. Yeah, you play your Lynx alone in your room. Yeah, exactly. I play Klax.

Sure. Klax, Klax, Klax, Klax, Klax, Klax. That was my impression of Klax. Yeah, sure. You go under your sheet Sure. Klax, Klax, Klax, Klax, Klax, Klax. That was my impression of Klax. Yeah, sure. You just go under your sheet with a flashlight and you play California Games. I wanted California Games, but I couldn't find it or afford it. It came with the links. Really? I didn't have it. Yeah, so I guess if the guy...

I think mine came with Klax. I don't think you can buy California Games on its own. I think mine came with Klax. I could be wrong. Yeah, this might be another. No, this isn't a joke. I actually think the California games came with Lynx. So if you want to correct me on that, feel free.

But I'm not. Here's the moral of this story. I, Jesse, am an inner city youth who went to private school in elementary and middle school, but on scholarship. On scholarship. And then only became a middle class person around the age of 15 or 16 when my mom got a full-time teaching job. Before that, she had been in graduate school. Before that, she worked in retail. So there you go.

That's the story of me, Jordan. That doesn't really explain why you like hip-hop though no i like it because it's better oh okay sounds better it's not all jangly yeah it's not a bunch of this is how rock and roll sounds to me yeah you know what i mean you know honestly what it is jordan like my mom like my mom's probably favorite musical artist is probably like, let's say, James Brown and Nina Simone. Probably top two. Sure. My dad's favorites would probably be James Brown and Ray Charles. And you don't have to like, you don't have to like live the lifestyle of something to like it.

Yeah, exactly. Like, yeah, hey, you you know you can like a you can like sports but i like the godfather sure yeah i enjoyed the godfather that's a good example i i like sports but you you don't see me playing a lot of sports oh yeah no sir i think it's perfectly follow professional sports without playing the sport there was a time when i listened to rock and roll music that was you know everybody goes through this 10, 11-year-old period when you're trying to figure out what you're interested in. I just gotta say, I really like, I liked

the Digable Planet CD and the Michelle and Deggy Arcello CD a lot better than I liked the Jimi Hendrix CD and the Red Hot Chili Peppers Blood Sugar Sex Magic. That's what it comes down to. At the end of the day, those are CDs that I, you know, purchased for myself or got as a gift.

And one of them fit with my previous listening interest, which was the Michael Jackson album, Dangerous. It was pretty much all I listened to until I was about 10. And that's how it breaks down. I mean, Jordan, you're not some kind of middle-class, slightly dorky guy from Southern California just because you like ska. Oh, I am. You know what I mean? That's a case where someone lives the lifestyle of their interest. But that's not always the case. Not always the case.

Should we just listen to the next call? Yeah. Hi, Jordan, Jesse Go. This is Emily from Ohio. I have a momentous occasion. Back in March, I wrote in about whether or not I should move to L.A., and the two of you convinced me to move to L.A. I moved on Tuesday, and yesterday I was walking through the mall in Century City,

and I saw Jordan, but I did not say hi because I thought he would be mean to me. Thank you. Bye. It's a good call. Wow. It's a good call. I'm sorry I give off that vibe. That's kind of disappointing.

It's not just about a vibe, Jordan. It's just about an entire lifestyle. I wonder why. I wonder. I've had several times where people have approached me for listening to J.J. Go. And I've been nothing but gracious. You know what, Jordan? This is bullshit.

Yeah. I've seen you interact with people. Yeah? Yeah, you're a put-down artist. Yeah. That's what you are. You're a put-down artist. People like that, though.

No, they don't. You know who they like that from? Don Rickles. Yeah. They like to hear that from Don Rickles. If Don Rickles calls you a fat hebe, then it's great. If you call someone a fat hebe, then it's racist. But what does, like, Don...

What does... Anti-Semitic. What does it cost to go see Don Rickles? $60. $60 to $100. Sure. What does it cost to come up to me at the Century City Mall? It depends on what you bought at the Hot Topic.

Yeah. You know what I mean? What if you buy five t-shirts, which just seems reasonable to me. You get Nightmare Before Christmas. I mean, they've got so much good stuff there. You get the Ramones. Nightmare Before Christmas. Old school, and it has a picture of an NES controller on it.

You get Transformers. You get either Autobots or decepticons depending on whether you're good or evil i'm sure um and one more nightmare before christmas exactly so that's another character from nightmare before that's a hundred dollars right there you're right you see what i'm saying jordan so i guess it is people in this case people are praying to be nurtured but you're knocking them down you're taking your baseball bat of attitude, I'd call it, bad attitude. This isn't a roast. This isn't a Dean Martin roast, Jordan.

You know what I mean? This is just your fans. They're trying to reach out to you. You literally, I saw you punch a fan in the face. That was for something. That was not for being a fan. It seemed like they came up and said, Jordan, hi, are you Jordan Morris? And you said, yes.

That was about tone, though. That was about his tone of voice. And they said, I'm a huge fan of your work. I really admire you. If you have an appropriate tone of voice. And you knocked them out with one punch. That was, you know how you're, when you, okay. Everybody knows when you're approaching a family of apes,

you have to adopt a submissive posture. Right. If you look threatening, if you make yourself look threatening, the alpha male is going to defend his ape cluster. Jordan, the baby gorilla that you carry everywhere is a stuffed baby gorilla. It's not a real baby gorilla. No, but I'm just saying it's a similar principle. It's a plush toy, Jordan.

This particular fan had adopted an aggressive posture that made it look like he was after my ape cluster. Jordan, just because someone stands between you and your plush baby gorilla that you got out of a claw machine, it's purple, Jordan. There are no real purple gorillas. Sorry that I have principles. Sorry for my principles. In all honesty, I'm nice. I let a guy buy me a drink at the Cha-Cha Lounge

one time. Then you kicked him in the balls. But he purchased the drink, and I drank it. Fine. Fine. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. Jesse you know I noticed that you guys often forget people's names and for some reason you guys know every single movie star or director or public radio whatever star's name and it just doesn't make any sense so so i'll point that out all right thanks love your show bye this guy's a real krista tippett yeah sure here's our here's the uh

here's the difference yeah we memorize the names of people who are fuckable so we're talking specifically about claude brodesserachner and Krista Tippett. Very fuckable. And Krista Tippett from Speaking of Faith, right? And not Joe Blow or whoever it was that just called. Exactly. God damn it, Jordan Jesse. Get off your lazy asses and put out a new podcast. I'm going to see John Hodgman and Paul F. Tompkins tonight.

I don't know anything to listen to on the train ride down. How about this? Get off your lazy ass. You got anything for me? I don't have anything. We're making a podcast right now. We're doing it. It's moot.

Yeah, the point is moot. How about this? The point is moot. Moot, I say! Funny word, moot. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, go. I got a call in regards about Chris Sabo, the king of sports goggles. I went to a middle school with a guy named Sabo,

who also had a younger sister also named Sabo. Just thought I'd let you know. Great. Different possibilities I've been considering with regard to this Chris Sabo situation. Okay. Number one, I'm not sure if this guy is saying that these two young people's last names were Sabo or their first names were Sabo. It's unremarkable if they both had the same last name but were related. Right.

I mean, most people related to each other do have the same last name. There are some occasions. Now, so... Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez have different last names. So then I thought... Are they brothers? I think they're brothers, yeah. They're married. Aren't they married?

Yeah. Well, I mean, it's not recognized by the U.S. government, but they're married in certain townships, certain Dominican townships. Martha's Vineyard. Mm-hmm. Certain townships. Aruba. Dominican townships.

Martha's Vineyard. Mm-hmm. It's possible that they... I first thought maybe both of them have the first name Sabo. Mm-hmm. Now, Sabo's not a first name. No. But if it were a first name, it would be a man's first name.

If you're like a... Well, if you're like a kind of a cat-themed supervillain, you could be Sabo. So the guy is a cat-themed super villain, you could be Sabo. So the guy is a cat-themed super hero. Super villain. Doesn't sound like a super hero. Sorry. The lady is an open question. Here's this girl, younger sister, right?

Elementary school. I think she was married to Chris Sabo. 1988 National League Rookie of the Year, Chris Sabo. That's probably it. That's my best guess. That my best guess is that he's a child marrier this is just based upon the fact that um there was a a girl in uh fourth grade at my elementary school uh named jerome walton it was because she was married to 1989 national league rookieookie of the Year, Jerome Walton. So that's the explanation that I have so far. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Go, it's Dane in Ohio.

I'm calling in with a momentous occasion. I just saved the U.S. economy because my computer broke and I just dropped a whole bunch of money on a new one. And they're saying that us consumers have to spend. So I just wanted to tell everyone out there, you're welcome. It's all over. The economy is fixed. This sounds like an action item to me. So I just wanted to tell everyone out there, you're welcome. It's all over. The economy is fixed. This sounds like an action item to me. Here's what it is.

What are you doing to save the United States economy? Sure, buying something helps save the economy. Absolutely. But there's lots of other things that help save the economy. I want to know what you're doing to save the... We're about to go into a... Have you... Have you...

Have you... Have you... Have you watched the news? I try not to. It's been too depressing lately. I'm worried I might get laid off. Yeah. I'm worried I might lay you off.

It's a concern. I'm worried I might get laid. Then what am I going to do with my Sundays? You got it, Jordan. This is a desperate situation. All'm worried I might get laid. Then what am I going to do with my Sundays? You got it, Jordan. This is a desperate situation. All of our Sundays are at stake. Here's what you have to do, America.

Give us a call. Let us know. What are you doing to save the economy? And, Jordan, don't just tell me you bought a new car. Sure, anybody can buy a new car. Any jerk can buy a new car. I want creative solutions here. Creative solutions.

I'm not binding it in. Anyone with a creative solution, I'm listening. My ears are open, Jordan. The Obama administration is all about listening. I'm the president of the Obama administration. Let's do this. Let's make this happen. Let's save the economy. Works Progress Administration.

It's kind of confusing when you think about it. Hobo March. World War I veterans. That Obama's the president, but there's a president of the administration that's not him. That's me. Is that confusing? No, it's not confusing because of my charisma. But I mean, just as far as what's on people's business cards and email addresses and stuff.

Lighting bolts! No, you're right. We'll be back in just a second. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, what do you do if something, what would you describe a situation in your life where something happens that's truly remarkable,

the kind of thing that you would really like to remark upon? What would you call that? Well, a noteworthy happenstance. Would be one way to describe it, but let's say you were trying to describe it the right way. What might you say? You might say a remark worthy happening. No, if we were... Okay, let's say that something really momentous happened to you on a certain occasion,

and you were trying to describe it so that you could lead into a segment on your popular podcast. What would you call it? I see. You're talking about momentous occasions. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and whoever may be there this week. This is Julie in Japan, and I have a quick momentous occasion. I just used toilet paper that is strawberry scented and printed with pictures of Hello Kitty for the first time. So it was pretty weird,

and I think I'm going to go buy some plain toilet paper because it's really creepy to wipe your butt with Hello Kitty. Okay, that's pretty much it. Bye-bye. Depends on how you feel about Hello Kitty, I guess. Yeah, I hate the bitch. I would love the opportunity to wipe with Hello Kitty. Really, just let her know how I feel.

How's your strawberry scent now? I've got no mouth! Hold on, and also yet another listener in Japan. What is up with that? I got a nice postcard from David in Japan. It's a beautiful postcard. It's got a Nippon bird stamp on it.

Sure. And, yeah, I guess he tends bar in Osaka and listens to the show while he cleans up. But, man, yeah, it's while the Japanese white people. I'm assuming you're white. Yeah, you know, it's a reasonable assumption. What are you doing over there? It's crazy. We don't have a lot of cross-cultural appeal, Jordan.

No. We've defined our niche pretty well. Sure. Hey, Jordan and Jesse. I was just given some pretty good wisdom by a stranger. There was this guy behind the counter at White Castle not wearing a White Castle uniform he rung me up

and as I was leaving he said a lot of people go into a fight with a fish in their hand but the best weapon is a pen and paper and then he went in the back I don't think he worked there anyway it was pretty awesome bye ok again

this is a call where I just need a few more details to get the maximum delight out of it. Right. What was he dressed like? Sure. How old is he? Sure. Does he have a long, scraggly beard? Sure.

These are all things we need to know. People, yes. Did he suggest a specific fish? Be pithy, but we also need the appropriate description. If it's important to describe the person, please do. They're called key details. Imagine you're writing a screenplay. You don't want to distract from the dialogue, but you want to fill in some key details.

Here's the thing. I think people fill in more personal information about themselves than we would like. We don't give a fuck. Right, we don't care about you. You know, it's great that you moved to Maine. Send us some money, help us out, whatever. Yeah, it's great that you moved to Maine after you went to college in Youngstown, Ohio. And then I blah, blah, blah.

I went to the Target, I got some new t-shirts, I like the Morona brand. I have a scraggly beard. That's what we need to know. Hi, Jordan, Jessica. This is Courtney from North Carolina. And I just drove from North Carolina to Colorado last week and drove from Colorado back to North Carolina this week. This is what we're talking about. And my momentous occasion is that we are about two hours from home, and we're at a gas station in fancy Gap, Virginia, and just found an abandoned scruffy brown dog.

So we're taking her home, and we're happy about that. Thanks. That's called a heartwarming conclusion, Jordan. Yeah, very nice. It starts out with this. We drove from here to there. We drove from here to there. We called a heartwarming conclusion, Jordan. Yeah, very nice. It starts out with this. We drove from here to there. We drove from here to there.

We got this kind of t-shirt. I like to drink this kind of beer. This is my favorite beer. This is why it's my favorite beer. But, but, she brings it home. Yeah. Scruffy brown dog. Found at a gas station in F pants north carolina where was that fancy pants north carolina three words that i need to hear yeah to get on the air scruffy brown

dog you should let us name the dog yeah why why have why didn't you invite us to name the dog really that's kind of rude we need to know if it's a boy or a girl. I thought I was a little offended. I was distressed, I would say. Not offended. Distressed. Vexed. Certainly vexed. Look, Jordan, you know how we're trying to raise awareness using the darkish teal ribbon? I think this next one could be a good opportunity. Hi, Jordan and Jesse. I'm calling in with a momentous occasion.

I am currently standing on the curb of my own house because today is the day that I finally become a lingerie designer. And I'm going to the LA government district right now to buy fabrics. And I'm really scared. And I've never done anything like this before in my life. But it seems like now's a good time to start doing things you never thought you would. Bye. Number one, I think she can do it.

Yeah. Don't you? I'm confused on what she's nervous about. Is she nervous about going to the garment district, or is she nervous about this new area of her life? She usually doesn't wear lingerie. Yeah. Right? Well, I mean, you don't have to wear lingerie to design lingerie.

Right, exactly. This is, I mean, this is part of, this goes back to our whole thing. Look at Calvin Klein. Sure. Do you have to live a hard ghetto life to like hip hop music? You don't. Yeah. And I mean, she has lived that life.

Sure. But she has never worn lingerie. This is my point, Jordan. This is an opportunity. Send us a picture of ladies in lingerie. This is our entree into the fashion industry, Jordan. This is an opportunity. Send us a picture of ladies in lingerie. This is our entree into the fashion industry, Jordan. Just me. Jesse doesn't want it. Thanks, Jordan.

Can I say it? No, it's mine. Dang it. It's my private one. It's harder to jack off to if I know that you've looked at it. It's just how I work. It's just how I'm wired. It's mine. looked at it it's just how i work it's just how i'm wired mine it's been soiled yeah by your filthy eyes look at it with your filthy eyes jordan this is our opportunity to expand the darkish teal ribbon into the world of fashion oh yeah oh this is good right fashion designers are always doing that shit.

They're always raising awareness for whatever. For whatever. Just whatever. Kosovo or some shit. Sure. I don't know. The point is, maximum fun awareness is the most important cause facing the world today. And I think she can do something about it.

And I think there are probably other independent business owners. Sure. Who can do something about it too how about this a tasteful thong panty yeah adorned with darkish teal ribbons precisely why aren't people here's a here's a serious question jordan where's the iphone app community on this one oh yeah you know what i mean where's footwear designers where's the luggage industry portage the portage industry they call it we're smelting we're smelting on this one people who melt down different metals to combine them you know hey i'm looking at you sauciers of the world you got it the darkish tail ribbon

it's the most important in the same way that our parents' generation was defined by Woodstock, our generation will be defined by the darkish teal ribbon for MaximumFun.org awareness. That's all I have to say about it. And we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. Don't forget to send us the picture. Me the picture. Jordan, Jesse Go, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Another amazing episode.

Mm-hmm. We are... We're just... It's like watching Greg Maddox pitch a perfect game. Yeah. It's about control. It's about timing and upsetting timing. It's about surprises,

changes of pace, curveballs, two-seam fastball, four-seam fastball, mixing it up. Baseball. That's what we're doing on this program. Action items for this week. Number one.

What is it called? What is the name for the thing that Jordan described where a dude or a group of dudes will make a weird, kind of complicated... Overly wordy... Maybe old-timey... Histrionic, sort of, maybe involving some... And they're not necessarily even just a Renaissance Faire nerd. They could be, but they're not necessarily even just a renaissance fair nerd They could be, but they're not necessarily Might be some dad in a Tommy Bahama t-shirt

Yeah, it's kind of, what's that called? That's number one Number two, what's the strangest interaction you've ever had with a townie in a college town? Someone who actually lives permanently in a college town is not a student at the university. Maybe they drive a shuttle? Yeah, could be. Maybe they own... Maybe they work at the crystal store.

Sure. The store that sells crystals and magics. And some Indian bullshit. Exactly. That's action item number two. And, of course, this week we've announced the Darkish Teal Ribbon for Maximum Fun Awareness. This is our most important charitable project ever. We want to know what you're doing for the Darkish Teal Ribbon for Maximum Fun Awareness.

We have ribbons here that you can mail away for, and we want you to put the button on your website or your blog or your Facebook or your MySpace. Certainly. You know what I mean? But what else? But what else are you doing? What initiative are you taking? And in conclusion, speaking of taking initiative, what are you doing to end our nation's terrible economic crisis? Creative solutions, people.

Creative solutions. What actions are you taking? Yeah. 206-984-4-5 is the phone number something soon jesse and i will be out on the street you can we're not gonna last a day out there we look i just i'm already hooked on crack here i am i live in this luxury lifestyle i've got plenty right now i've got plenty of money for rock you know what i mean i i can buy my own Pyrex to cook the crack in.

I have so much money right now. I can buy cocaine. I can buy baking soda. I can buy Pyrex cookware. I can cook the crack in the Pyrex and then smoke it. I do use a Bic pen

that's been made into a pipe. I cannot afford a real pipe. But besides that... Everything else you got. Everything else I got. There's a long way for us to fall. If we end up out on the streets, they're going to eat us like wolves. They will.

And you've got to be pretty powerful to eat a wolf. We're delicate. We have tiny hands. You know what I mean? And people see that and they just... You know what eats a wolf? Probably a grizzly bear. We're delicate. We have tiny hands. You know what I mean? And people see that and they just... You know what eats a wolf? Probably a grizzly bear. Oh, yeah.

That'd be cool. So I'm guessing real life is a grizzly bear. We're wolves. That would be really cool. And the streets are the forests of the Pacific Northwest. Maybe then an eagle swoops down and starts clawing them. Both of them? Yeah.

It doesn't target either one. That's pissed. What about the skeeters? Is there a lot of skeeters around? Nah. That's pissed. What about the Skeeters? Is there a lot of Skeeters around? Nah. That's boring. Skeeters.

Skeeters. No, because they buzz in your ear. Nah, that's not boring. Stop biting me. Too late. You already got malaria. Oh, no! And you're dead. Oh, yay!

206-9844-FUN is the number to call. You can email us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org, and you can always post on the forums at maximumfun.org. We'll be back next week with Jordan Jesse Go.