Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 88: The Crystal Store

Episode Date: February 9, 2009

Guest Andy Daly joins Jesse and Jordan for discussion of townies, Andy's new show East Bound & Down, and rescuing the economy.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, maggoty, twiddle, Jesse, go.

We invite you over to our place, pour you a shot glass of malt liquor, and tie off our arms. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, Jordan. Yeah. There are days when we have guests, and there are days when we have guests, sir.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Do you follow my train of thought? It would have been funny if you would have said, There are days when we have guests, and there are days when we have ghosts. Do that again. ghosts do that again Jordan there are days when we have guests and there are days when we have ghosts yeah oh my god it's the ghost of comedian Andy Daly hello everyone oh how'd you die I didn't even hear that you had died I go back and forth between this world and the next. Oh, okay.

Yeah. And why are you haunting? I'm unfinished business. Yeah, sure. Specifically here in this studio. Yeah. I mean, you've been here a couple times before. You were on Jordan Jesse Go a couple times in San Diego, America a couple times.

I don't remember anything untowards occurring. I believe one of you guys killed me. Jordan. Alright, you got me. Jordan, why did you kill Andy Daly? Everyone. Really, thank you. That's what I want to know.

Jordan. Just one of those things, you know. No, I don't. What do you mean just one of those things? I don't know. It's like when you go home for Christmas and you call your mom a bitch. It's just one of those things. You just feel like doing it. I also don't understand that. I don't know. It's like when you go home for Christmas and you call your mom a bitch. It's just one of those things. You just feel like doing it. I also don't understand that.

I don't relate to that at all. Guys, it's just like when there's a homeless person on the other side of the road and you just run across the road and you shove him. Yeah, no. Also. Is this not relatable? I thought these were... No, these things are not relatable. Jordan, what are you talking about?

You're trying to make metaphors so that we can all understand why you killed me. Jordan, I thought you were a nice guy. You know, this is what happened, Andy. Let's find out. Last week on the show, someone called in and said that she had just moved to Los Angeles. She saw Jordan at a mall in Century City, and she was afraid to go up to him because she thought he would be mean to her. Really? Yeah.

Based on your on-air persona? Yeah, well, Jordan is, you know, I mean, sure, Jordan's a holy terror on the radio. You know, here on the podcast, he's really something else. Yeah. He's a real firebrand and just a hateful man. He does not suffer fools gladly on the radio. Certainly not. But in real life, I thought that it was obvious everyone knew he's just a teddy bear.

Yeah. You know what I mean? It's an act. He's just the sweetest guy. Sometimes I'll murder for no reason. Right. Or shove a person. But it's all part of the act.

Is that what you're saying? Yeah. It's like an Andrew Dice Clay thing. He's not actually like that. He's parodying guys like that. Are you sure? Are you sure about that? I'm not.

You're more of a parody. So you're saying, or like Larry the Cable Guy, he's actually from Ohio or something. His character is sort of part parody, part homage to the sort of blue-collar Joe from the South. You get it. It's very complicated. Very complicated. So your character is sort of part parody, part homage to the classic American serial murderer.

So you commit ironic murders. It's almost as if to say, imagine if I really were a guy who committed these murders that I'm committing. You get it. I got you. It's like when people say, well, wasn't Starship Troopers a shitty movie? And then I say, that's the point. That's kind of like my murders. Do you usually use garroting?

I don't know what garroting is. Garroting? Like a piano wire type of situation. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You know, whatever's clever. Whatever's the last thing that you would do. Yeah, exactly.

That's what you do. Exactly. Whatever would be funniest. Like a pillow in the face? Yeah, like pillow in the face. Sure. Yeah, you know, maybe something, you know, something really out of date. Like a blunderbuss.

That's funny. Yeah, that'd really out of date. Like a blunderbuss. That's funny. Yeah, that'd be pretty funny. It seems, though, Jordan, I mean, Andy's the comedian, so I guess it's his judgment that we should be trusting here. I'm prepared to make a judgment at any time. to me it seems like maybe the uh the cost might not be worth the payoff relative to for example like wearing one of those uh black t-shirts with the uh with the kind of uh uh uh like you know um airbrush graphic of a wolf on it yeah like compared to that where the cost for that is it's not the most aesthetically appealing t-shirt the payoff is the irony that you would wear one of those wolf shirts in this case correct me if i'm wrong but it sounds like the cost is a human life well but you know

what then that makes the when the cost goes up the payoff goes up yeah yeah always what you do to one side of the equation you have to do to the other side of the equation. Raise the stakes. That's a good point. And you know what they always say about Jordan? Anything for a laugh. Absolutely. Sure, sure.

I do. I have a graph illustrating that exact point. Let's have a look. Let's all have a look. Well, listen. Audience, close your eyes and imagine a funny graph. We have a lot of fun planned for this week's program with the ghost of Andy Daly here.

He travels between worlds. Are you in ghost form or corporal form? No, I'm in corporal form right now. I can be a ghost. Incorporal or corporal? Oh, jeez. I am now not a ghost. Okay.

Good. But you never know what's going to happen. That's why you don't sound that spooky. You sound more genial. Right, exactly. Here, watch this. Now I'm a ghost. Oh, fuck!

Fuck! Ghost! Ghost! All right, all right, relax. I'm not now. I'm not now. You know, you look... It was funny why... I wonder why we got so scared, relax. I'm not now. I'm not now. You know, you look... It was funny why...

I wonder why we got so scared, because you look exactly the same. You just sounded like that. Do I? I don't have any idea what I look like when I go to ghost mode. No, no. You look the same. Is that right? That must be why you're so successful in the regular world.

Your hair part's on a different side. That's kind of the only... Oh, is that what happened? That's the only way I was able to tell that something had changed. And the voice. Well, anyway, we got a great show. I just found out Jordan's a different side. That's kind of the only way I was able to tell that something had changed. And the voice. Well, anyway, we got a great show. I just found out Jordan's a murderer. Yep.

We got the ghost of Vandy Daly here. A lot of good phone calls. So I think this one's going to be a lot of fun. This is what you call a can't fail show. Sure. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. Full proof. Just a second on Jesse Go. Bullproof. Jordan, Jesse Go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. With us, the one, the only, Andy Daly. Actually, there's more than one Andy Daly. Really? Yeah. I get Google alerts on my name and I get frequent updates about a town councilman in Vail, Colorado who shares my name. What's he up to? He's a very controversial

figure. Really? Well, he was the head of Vail Resorts for a while and now he's on the town council. So maybe his interests are with the various resort areas. It sounds like on the town council. So maybe his interests are with the various resorts. It sounds like Vale Resorts runs the town.

Is that why you often go by Andrew Daly? Like the East India Company back in the day. Sometimes I go by Andrew Daly when I don't want to be confused with the Vale Town Council. Let's say you're running for the town council in Colorado Springs. Breckenridge, maybe.

Right, exactly. I would definitely go by Andrew. Sure, because otherwise you're just the one with the glasses. The Andy Daly with the glasses. I don't know what this Andy Daly looks like. I should look for him. That's worth looking into. I'm sure he has similar problems.

Probably at town council meetings, people are yelling out for him to do lines from SemiPro. Yeah, you're probably right. Oh, it drives them crazy. Are you Andy Daly or Andrew Daly on your new television program? Andrew Daly. I don't like it. You don't like it? I like Andy Daly.

I'm a strong Andy Daly partisan. Most of the time when I ask people's opinion, what I get is Andy Daly. You seem to like Andrew Daly. I don't know. I don't like to decide. And that seems like that is the name don't know. I don't like to decide. And that seems like that is the name. You know what I mean?

That is the... That's what's on the birth certificate. That's one of the bedrock principles of branding is don't decide. Don't decide. Yes. If you're looking to market yourself

or a product... Let the customer decide what it is. Yeah. That's why sometimes Mountain Dew comes in a can and sometimes it comes in a box. A box of Mountain Dew. Just freely sloshing around in there.

Absolutely. And that one is actually called Fresh Spring. The box one is called Fresh Spring. Same formula. Comes in a box and it's called Fresh Spring. Oh man, he sold me on it. I didn't believe it when you said it, but then he... Well, I've got the gravitas.

Better diction, too. Wait. Okay. So let's talk for a second about your new television program. I watch the television pilot for Andy's new show, Eastbound and Down. And when I say Andy's new show, Andy is a co-star on the show. I think co-star level credit. I'm a member of an ensemble.

Yeah. It's like the Carol Burnett show. Oh, I don't know if that's quite right. You're sort of like Carol Burnett, right? No, no, no. It's different. Tim Conway. Would you say you're more like Carol Burnett or more like Tim Conway? Oh, geez. If I had to choose between

the two, I guess I'd go Conway, but again, it's not very similar to that. Can I ask you how are those golf videos you've been doing going? It's like hijinks, but with a golf theme. Andy on golf. Did they dig a hole for Dwarf, or did he just put his legs behind him and then they cover him with AstroTurf or something like that? I couldn't tell, yeah. Haven't spent a lot of time

with this series. If there's a nice DVD with a behind the scenes... Making of Dorf. It's exactly how long it takes to explain how they did that. It's just, it's either just one guy going, yeah, we dug a hole. Or a guy going, yeah, he puts his leg behind him.

We covered up his shin. And it doesn't even say who that guy is. Here's the thing, though. It's not exactly like that. Sometimes they dug a hole. Sometimes they covered up the bottom half of his legs. So there's a commentary,

and they just go, legs, hole, legs, hole. You know, for each scene. They're trying to create something magical. Was there something else to Dorf other than his shortness? I don't know. I've only ever seen it in late night television commercials. Yeah, I think he has kind of dubious luck.

I was so... He doesn't succeed or do average golf. I think he'll get pulled behind the golf cart or something. Is he a bit of a Mr. Magoo? Yes. I felt like I spent the years from age 15 to age now just spending at least 25% of my time being amazed that those are actual professional comedy performers well regarded by many people. What are? The Dorf guys.

Oh, is there more than one? There's Tim Conway and Dorf. There's Tim Conway, but then there's another dude who's in it that's one of the Carol Burnett show guys, I think. Again, I'm basing this on faded memories of television infomercials. Well, we need to get to the bottom of this. But they just struck me. Memories of television infomercials. Well, we need to get to the bottom of this.

But they just struck me. I assumed that they were like... When I saw those commercials, I didn't know the Carol Burnett show from A Hole in the Wall. I just assumed they were like earnest. Like it was like something that had happened in a local television car dealership commercial

that they'd put together some videos that they were selling directly to the consumer. Nope, that was the cream of the crop of 70s comedy talent. Wow. Wow. Okay, well, anyway, speaking of the cream of the crop of comedy talent, so Andy Daly's new show is called Eastbound and Down, and it has, what's his face in it?

Danny McBride. Danny McBride, who's hilarious. Very funny. Super funny guy. It's made by McBride and Jody Hill, who is the director of the Foot Fistway collaborator with McBride, along with, you know, it's produced by McKay and Farrell. This is a real murderer's row type situation. It is.

It's pretty incredible. It's a destroyer pretty incredible. It's a destroyer of worlds. It's set in like a... Well, hang on. It's the god... It's Shiva. It's the Shiva of television comedy. I don't want people to be afraid that if they watch this show, they're going to be contributing to

the destruction of the world. And I know your audience is very overdramatic. And also, some of the episodes, probably I think most of the episodes, were directed by David Gordon Green, who directed Pineapple Express. Oh, yeah. There you go. And also directed your Serious Motion Pictures. Yeah, that's right.

He seems to have completely rededicated. He made very serious, like a George Washington, a Snow Angels. These are like serious indie film fan dramatic films and then he's like you know what you know what i like making he was just like buddies with those guys or he was buddies with somebody uh they all graduated from the same college i think uh in north carolina danny mcbride and Joni Hill and David Gordon Green. It's seriously like, I cannot imagine a more surprising person to just

be of the opinion that it's perfectly natural for him to be working with Danny McBride. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? Well, I don't know how you make the transition because while we were working on Eastbound and Down, which is a comedy, I had seen Pineapple Express, but I didn't know the rest of his career. I had to do a drunk scene on Eastbound and Down, which is a comedy, I had seen Pineapple Express, but I didn't know the rest of his career.

And I had to do a drunk scene in Eastbound and Down, and I was trying to figure out how to approach it. And he was telling me how the guy did it in Snow Angels, that great actor from Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. I'm blanking on his name. Sam Rockwell. Sam Rockwell, yeah. And he was saying, you can rent Snow Angels as a blockbuster now. And so I had clearly been given an assignment. Did he specifically refer you to Blockbuster?

He did. He's got deep connections with the Huizenga family. Is that who runs Blockbuster? Oh, man. So I did. I rented it, and I was not prepared for the level of deep, heavy drama that was in that movie. And I ended up wondering how he managed to transition from that kind of work to Pineapple Express. But maybe you're right, that it was that Danny knew

he was funny. Danny McBride knew he was funny and looked him into it somehow or something. I read a great interview with Danny McBride in one of these entertainment weeklies or something like that, and he's been in every movie released in the past two years.

What's some of those movies that he's been in? Tropic Thunder. He was great in Tropic Thunder. Just Tropic Thunder. Heartbreak Kid he was in. I saw him on the... Owen Wilson is this homeless guy

who kids hire to be a bodyguard. Land of the Lost upcoming. He's in that one. I've Land of the Lost, upcoming. He's in that one. Yeah. I've seen him on the movie poster. He's in every movie. Yeah. And does a great,

pretty consistently fantastic job. Oh, God, you know what he was so good in? Hot Rod. Hot Rod, the movie, it's a little bit of a mixed bag, but definitely, you know, it has a very particular tone that you have to kind of buy into to enjoy the movie. But Danny McBride is unequivocally spectacular in that movie.

So anyway, I read this interview about him and they asked him, you know, you went from no one ever having heard of you to being in like 12 major motion pictures. And he recommends working as a night manager at the Holiday Inn. Is that how you got there? That's how he says he got there. The night manager, huh? Yeah, night manager at the Holiday Inn. Oh, you got to have real skills, and that's not as easy as it sounds. You got to set up for the continental breakfast.

Exactly. Yeah, it's not easy. That's when all the crazy crap goes down in a hotel at night. Yeah, but don't you feel like he could handle it, though? I do. He's got the fire in his eyes. When I graduated from college, that was the job I wanted. I wanted to sit at a desk at night at a hotel because I thought it would be easy,

and I thought I would leave my days open to audition for things, and I didn't care about when I slept. But that was a hard job to get because they called it, at least the places went to they called it night auditor and it was like a hard bookkeeping job or something it was like serious business and you weren't just doling out the keys and that's what i thought yeah yeah and uh one of the places i went to they looked at my resume which was an actor's resume and the guy goes so why do you want to go into hotel? I don't want to go into hotel. I want to sit at this desk all night. The guy called the industry hotel.

Why do you want to go into hotel? I don't know what you're talking about. Why do you want to be inside this hotel? That's what I meant to say. So I see from your resume you're interested in a career in hamburger. What was your immediate post-college job? Well, after I struck out at all those hotels, I got a job at Bennigan's waiting tables. Sure.

Yeah. That's a nice joint. Oh, man. You know, here's my advice. Are there still Bennigans around? I feel like I haven't seen a Bennigan in a long time. Yeah, I think Bennigans still exist. I haven't seen one in a while, but I think it does. Do not, this is not a place to spend your birthday.

Don't ask the waitstaff to come and bring you a cake and then sing their copyrighted birthday song. The corporate copyrighted birthday song of Bennigans. They hate doing it. You know what I mean? Like the first three or four times we did it as a waitstaff, we'd be like, well, this is somebody's birthday. This is their special day. I'm going to try.

But then at a certain point, you know, the waitstaff is busy. And then to have to corral everybody in the kitchen, I have a birthday, that waiter is pulling in favors from the rest of the waiting staff. Nobody wants to do it. Don't, yeah. So it's the responsibility of the person who has the table.

They have to wrangle everyone. I figured they'd give you pagers. Oh, no. Yeah, birthday pagers. Sure. It's whoever happens to be in the kitchen. I've got one. I don't even work at Bennigan's. Does anybody enjoy, like,

there's, you know, If you go to Cold Stone, the ice cream store Cold Stone, and you tip them... It makes me not want to tip them. Right, I know. They're required to sing a song. That would inversely affect their tips. We work at the Cold Stone.

It's something like that. It's to the tune of working on the railroad, or I don't know what it is. Yeah, yeah. It's horrible, and they just seem miserable. It's the same with Jamba Juice. When you walk in the front door, obviously,

this came down from corporate. When somebody walks in the door, I don't care what you're doing, you say hello. I don't care if you're working on a drink and you have to sort of half-shout it over your shoulder, say hello. You're operating the big orange plunger. It's so disorienting to walk into a place and have people who don't even look at you and just go,

uh, while they're doing their job, hello, because I have to, because if I don't, I get yelled at, hello. Right, exactly. Do you remember? It's like, why do you feel the need to stick to that? You're clearly wearing a Nightmare Before Christmas sweatshirt instead of your uniform to work, but for some reason you feel the need to stick to this one. It makes me feel like a dick.

And it's not a pleasantry at that point. And it's been some years since you worked at the Bennigans. Do you still, is the song still fresh in your mind? Happy, happy birthday. It's your special day. Happy, happy birthday.

That's why we're here to say, hey, happy, happy birthday. May all your dreams come true. Happy, happy birthday from Bennigans to you. true. Happy, happy birthday from Bennigan's to you. Hey. Wow. That's a great song. It's pretty good.

That's a really nice song because what's nice about it is it's sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy because it's about someone's dreams coming true. But obviously, if they're getting the Bennigan song sung to them. They've already come true. You got it. You know what I mean? Bennigan song sung to them. They've already come true.

You got it. You know what I mean? The whole reason we can't sing Happy Birthday because somebody owns the rights to it. So at your small little independently run restaurant, you can sing the traditional Happy Birthday to you. But if you're a large corporation and it's part of your policy that a song gets sung, if you want it to be that song,

you have to pony up the money. You have to get the publishing. You got to pay for the publishing. ASCAP get the publishing. You gotta pay for the publishing. Exactly. ASCAP, BMI, Broadcast Music Incorporated. One of those two. Or another thing. Who knows? Who knows where

Happy Birthday to You is at these days, rights-wise. Andy, to make your TV show, this wasn't something that was filmed on a lot in Burbank. No. You had to go live somewhere weird, right? Because it's set in a small town kind of situation.

Yes, it's set somewhere in the Carolinas, a town called Shelby. I don't know exactly if it exists, or I think it does. But anyway, we shot it in Wilmington, North Carolina, which is lovely. We happened to be there for six weeks ending on Election Day. The day before Election Day was really the last day of shooting. So I got to be in a swing state in a battleground county that had gone for Bush the last two years

right leading up to the election. It was pretty exciting stuff. Where did it go in the election? It was a nail-biter all of North Carolina, and it went for Obama, and that county went for Obama. Wow. It was wild to be there. And on election day,

we were having lunch somewhere, and there were these southern senior citizens sitting there, one of them going, this is the first time I voted for a Democrat since JFK. And I was like, I see the wind blowing.

I think he's going to win. But on the other hand, I did walk into a restaurant early in our stay in Wilmington. There was some guy eating alone at a restaurant, and all we heard was this. As he said to his waitress, he goes, I wish she was on the top of the ticket. I was just like, wow. No, yeah. That's all you need to the ticket. It's just like, wow. No. Yeah. That's all you need to say.

I know who you are. Wow. I know who you are. Well, she is great. Yeah. She's a charmer. Wonderful. Looks great.

Great outfits. Terrific. I think you would have to be an anarchist to wish that she were president. I'm really interested in what would happen if the system fell apart. I'm curious to see what happens if there's no one in the driver's seat. Oh, boy. But had you ever spent time

in the Southeast before, or was this like a new experience for you? Because this is a significant six weeks. Yeah, it period of time especially when when you're like uh uh when you're a mid-level character on this show you're not always shooting not at all no it was uh mostly down time hanging out uh no i had never really spent much time uh down there i i we liked it a lot i mean we're it's off-putting how charming and nice everybody is at first, but then you get used to it and you realize they mean it. They're actually, I think they're legitimately nice people.

That Southern charm thing is not a put-on. They don't want you to just, they're not just trying to get you to introduce them to your agent. I know, exactly. Yeah, like in L.A. Yeah, I feel like I've run into more situations like that where halfway through the conversation I realize it's a schmooze. And then I get so depressed

and just want to run off mid-conversation. I just want to sprint for somewhere else. There's also something invasive about how friendly people are at the supermarket and stuff like that. A checkout person out here, they're not just making... I don't know what the difference is. At Trader Joe, I, they're not just making...

I don't know what the difference is. At Trader Joe, I think they're told to mention one of your purchases and talk to you about your purchases just to be friendly. I don't want any part of that. It's kind of the same as the Jamba Juice Hello. It's false. Why?

Because you're concerned about the things that you picked up in the frozen foods aisle? Let's just do our business. You'd rather let your scallops be your scallops. Yes, exactly. Whether they're fresh or saltwater scallops. Yeah, I don't care. Let's not talk about it. Yeah, let's not bring it up.

But at the Piggly Wiggly, I'm presuming here that you shopped at the Piggly Wiggly. No, Harris Teeter was the name of the big supermarket down there. Don't you wish you could shop at a Harris Teeter right now? I do. I absolutely do. Beautiful. Have some shrimp and grits. Shrimp and grits. Shrimp and grits, the regional specialty of the area where you were staying.

Oh, dear God. That's a nice combo. Shrimp and grits. Got a lot of cheese in the grits. Cheese and buttery grits. Everybody makes them different. No two places make grits the same way. You never know what you're going to get. That's the kind of insight that

Andy picked up in our nation. Hey, these grits are different from the last place. I can't wait to tell this on a podcast. That's the kind of folksy wisdom, you know? Let me explain podcasts to you people. Get down off your tractor. I can't wait to tell this on a podcast. That's the kind of folksy wisdom. Let me explain podcasts to you people. Get down off your tractor. Something's going on in Wilmington, though.

People are moving down there. We kept running into people saying, I came down here for a job and fell in love and stayed. For instance, Linda Levin. Are you guys fans of Linda Levin? I don't know what that is. You don't know what Linda Lavin is? Star of Alice.

The great actress moved down to Wilmington and stayed and opened up a theater, and she and her husband are refurbishing a historic district. Doing Bye Bye Birdie and that sort of thing? What were they doing when we were doing that? Well, I mean, since we... Noises off, probably. They probably saw the success that Harry Anderson and Harry Shearer had with New Orleans. And she said, well, let's try Wilmington. You know what I mean?

It's just moving in, you bring your star power, the wattage of the star power of a Le Show, of a Dave's World, of an Alice. And you shine that light on a district, and it blooms. Yep, it's absolutely happening. They were doing a play, she and her husband or boyfriend, who was many, many, many years her junior, were doing a play where they played

mother and son. Wow. While they were down there. Gross. That's unusual. Pretty gross. That's very unusual. Yeah, pretty gross. Wow. While we were down there. Gross. That's unusual. That's very unusual. Yeah. Pretty gross. Andy, I feel like I've heard, you're kind of recently a dad, right? Yeah.

A year and a half. Yeah. I feel like I've been having more conversations with the kind of recent parents about moving out of their urban center to someplace more stable and homey, where the schools are not bad. Is that an urge that you have? Oh, we moved to Glendale to a pretty residential little area that doesn't feel in any way like a city. It certainly doesn't feel like Los Angeles. However, the schools are terrible. We did do that. We did hang on to that aspect of

urban life. Sure, yeah. You know, we figured we want to cling to one aspect of urban life. How about bad schools? My father graduated from the Glendale Public School System. Oh, no. I really stepped in it. How are you to know, though? Honestly. No, I really stepped in it. How are you to know, though?

Honestly. My dad will just come. My dad's lived in Northern California since the 60s. And he'll come to Southern California where he spent his teenage years. And he'll drive around Glendale and just be baffled. Oh, yeah. It's changed, huh? Just baffled.

Just by Southernia in general like i feel like there was like my dad managed to get in on the the southern california that everything in southern california now is sort of a tribute to uh-huh like the beach boys southern california where it's just like parkways you just hop on the parkway to drive somewhere. Yeah. And like you always hang out at the beach or something. And you like go to the diner and get a malted. And like that kind of thing. Like I feel like when my dad describes his like youth in Southern California. Sounds like he was Jan or Dean. Yeah.

Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. exactly exactly like my dad will like tell a story about like how he decided to get elected to this president of the student court so he could let his roustabout buddies off like more easily academic probation yeah like for stuffing too many people in a phone booth exactly that's the lifestyle that that's the southern california He wanted to get Kooky his comb back. Anybody? Anybody?

And like, you know, one good thing is you can get much better falafel now. Sure. But, you know, it's a weird... More gastropubs. There are more gastropubs. What is that?

I think it's kind of's it's a it's kind of a fancy this is probably another jordan is wrong situation there's a there's a there's a feature on the show where people call me up to tell me when i get something wrong oh really uh what i understand gastropub to mean is kind of a kind of a a fancy bar that sells kind of upscale bar food like yeah it's like a gourmet hot wings. It's like a place where you go for beer. Yeah. You know, it's a beer place, but they serve kind of bar

food, but a fancy version of bar food. The word gastro does not get me hungry. Little tiny hamburgers. It sounds like it means fart room. Come into our fart room. I think that's what it means. Yeah, fart room. I'm not certain,. I think that's what it means. Yeah, fart room.

I'm not certain, but I think that's what it means. You're getting a slider with some applewood smoked bacon on it. I like that idea. Yeah, it's nice. Taking crappy food and making it nice. I'm into it. Like a shrimp grits?

A high quality mac and cheese. I'll fall for that every time. Maybe it's got some peas in it. Like a shrimp grits? A high quality mac and cheese. I'll fall for that every time. Maybe it's got some peas in it. Sure. No. No, I had a high quality mac and cheese with peas in it. You're way over the line here, Jordan. You're way over the line with this peas stuff. Maybe you can make it work.

I don't know, Jordan. Maybe you should stick... You know what peas are good for? Freezing and putting on a bump on your head. Whoa. In a bag. That's what peas are good for. You're and putting on a bump on your head in a bag. That's what peas are good for. You're right. I'm going to go back to that restaurant and tell them they got it all wrong. Okay.

Well, anyway, we got so many great calls on this week's show. So when we come back, we'll start in on the telephone. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh with me and Jordan and, of course, the great Andy Daly, who's eastbound and down, is on TV starting February 15th. February 15th, right after Flight of the Conchords and right before Big Love. There you go. The sweet spot. Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. This week's program has sponsors, Jordan. Yeah, it does. We are not going sponsorless. We are making money when we do this. Why should we go sponsorless? There's no need for us to go sponsorless when we can make some money when we do this freaking thing. Okay, two sponsors this week. Number one, throbbing mattress

kitten now i know what you're saying to yourself jordan is this a local improv group is this uh local rock and roll band uh created by 20 year olds who just discovered frank zappa no no that's the answer no it's neither of those. I'm gonna be honest, when I got a letter from the folks behind Throbbing Mattress Kitten, I had a concern. I was concerned that it would be a local rock band created by 19-year-olds who just discovered Frank Zappa. Yeah. Actually, I would compare it to, well, a sufjan stevens a sufjan stevens maybe uh maybe maybe a decemberists yeah sure it's a it's a pretty folky uh it's uh got a nice camel on it uh brand new cd is called archaeology confession 192 if you want to hear the music uh you can go to

throbbing mattress kitten.com to hear it. It's a lovely, it's a lovely, is a gentleman singing? Why wouldn't you want to do that? Do you want to hear my impression of it? Sure. I'm singing a nice song. That's Throbbing Mattress Kitten for you. But better. It's a lot better than that. I'm not a singer. I never pretended to be a singer, Jordan. I'm just a man. But that's a reasonable approximation. Here's something I am, though, Jordan. A podcaster. Yeah. That's why I'm qualified to tell you about another podcast you've chosen to sponsor our program. It's called Ear Candy New York. Here's where you can find it online. Earcandynewyork.com is a three-host podcast with a great number of hosts. A tri-host. Especially, you know, when you're building your craft, three is a great number of people to have behind the thing because there's always someone who has a thought to speak on.

Sure. See what I'm saying? I mean, look at us. Not a lot of dead space. We bring in these guests because we can barely fill our time. Yeah, right. You know what I mean? So we need to have an Andy Daly.

We're treading water. Exactly. So if you're tired of us treading water, you want something that's fresh and new, Ear Candy New York, they talk about different stuff. They feature great music. They had Girl Talk featured on this past week's program, I noticed. And not only that, they got a great hip-hop introduction,

probably courtesy of the one guy who bills himself as a hip-hop super producer. So there you go. And it's not, I know what you're thinking, Jordan. I know exactly what you're thinking. You think it's maybe like, I don't know, Eric Sermon from EPMD? I was considering that. You were thinking it was one of the Heatmakers. Yes.

It's not. It's a regular hip-hop super producer. it's got some nice scratching in the intro sounds like these guys maybe do some actual music discussion whereas uh jesse just makes allusions yeah to hip-hop guys and then makes fun of me for liking ska yeah like about the about where our music discussion stops sure i mean you might hear about a kik to sneak on this program. Sure. Jesse may tease me for all the less than Jake albums that I have. That's about where we stop.

Anyway, you can check out this cool show. It's at EarCandyNewYork.com. Of course, if you want to sponsor Jordan and Jesse, all you have to do is email me at Jesse at MaximumFun.org. We can hook it up. It is cheap, Jordan. Yeah. It's outrageous outrageous i actually ran the numbers on how much we're charging for this we should really be charging a lot more yeah don't run the numbers yeah i'm not going to that is the secret i like how right now our sponsors on the show people who listen to

this show they like it it's not some corporate arrowhead water type outfit you know what i mean but we don't have to deal with some fat cat from pr water type outfit. You know what I mean? We don't have to deal with some fat cat from Pringles. Yeah, right. You know what I'm talking about? We don't have to have the fiddle faddle guy coming down here and shoving his nose in our business. When we had the fiddle faddle account, every month he would come to LA.

Of course, they're based in Boise. He would come to LA. We'd have to take him to the strip club, buy his drinks, pay for his dances. Take him to cut. Oh, God. Got so old. And, you know, I don't know.

I've always preferred Cracker Jack anyway. And now I can say that. Yeah. Without fear of retribution. Earcandynewyork.com. You can find out about that podcast. Throbbing Mattress Kitten dot com is where you can hear some of this nice music from the Throbbing Mattress Kitten band. And we'll be back with more with Andy Daly in just a second. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Andy Daly. Shock jock. Shock jock Andy Daly. He's saying what we're all thinking. Shock jock Andy Daly nabbed for another one of his outrageous pranks on the people of the great city of Warkigan, Wisconsin.

We burned down their church. And then we challenged listeners to fuck in the ashes. We're burning down the church this Friday night. Come on over to fuck in the ashes. We're burning down the church this Friday night. Come on over and fuck in the ashes. If you let a stick of KROQ sticker on your face while you're fucking, you get free lift tickets to Mountain High. You get to keep as many K-Rock t-shirts as you can jizz on. We'll be firing them out of a cannon.

When I think of that kind of genre, I remember something last Christmas when Wheeze were sold out. There was some radio station was giving away Wheeze to whoever could drink the most water. Somebody died, right? And a woman died because she drank too most water. Somebody died, right? And a woman died because she drank too much water. Oh my god.

I hope her family's listening right now. Me too. Oh my goodness. It is hilarious. Fucking morning zoo guy cheering you on while you drink water. Until you die. It's incredible. Well, anyway, those were heady times, Jordan. Roughly a year ago when people were going crazy for the Nintendo Wii.

Today, the economic landscape has changed. Andy, I don't know if this has touched your life in any way, but America is in an economic freefall. Yeah, it really is. There is a housing crisis. People are losing their jobs. And Jordan and I on the program have decided to do something about it. You know what I mean? We decided to stand up and be counted on this issue. While those fat cats in Congress, the Spendo... Push their pork.

Yeah, exactly. And their bridges to Terabithia. You know, we're here. There was that thing, the very controversial bridge to Terabithia. Bridge to Terabithia, yeah. What's her face? Some people said it was a necessary public works program, and some people said it just existed in the mind of a young girl.

Regardless, it's a pain in the ass to take the ferry there. Hey! And you've got to hire a lot of teamsters out of their way. So anyway, we're trying to do what we can. Last week we heard somebody who called in who had a novel solution. He had purchased a new computer, I believe it was, because he broke his old computer. and he had purchased a new computer, I believe it was, because he broke his old computer. So we kind of throw it open to the audience.

Like, what's some good ideas for things we could do to rejuvenate the economy? And maybe we can come up with some good ideas. Let's start with one of our listeners' ideas. Hi, guys. This is Kevin from Chicago. I'm calling about the what to do for the economy. Well, I graduated from college recently, and I still haven't been able to find a job. So, like, I'm helping the economy by having companies not have to pay for me to do stuff for them. Excuse me, I've got to go stand in a bread line.

So, basically, you're looking there at freeing up capital. You see what I'm saying? It's sort of like when the government makes these cash infusions into the banks, you're freeing up capital. That's true. So if everyone who has a job now just quit, the companies would have more money to invest in rolling stock. Rolling stock and large capital. Heavy machinery, buses, trucks. All this stuff that really makes the economy move. Logistics.

Information systems. I know I've been investing a lot in machine presses. You've been investing in machine presses? Yeah, I've got three machine presses. You didn't notice them in the living room. No, I didn't look. Yeah, we're not snoops. It's a challenge to keep them greased.

A couple of snoops. It's a challenge to keep them greased. I'm not going to lie to you guys. But what's important is I'm doing my part to build the production capacity. Ultimately, when you get an economic downturn, you have to increase productivity. So you need to invest some capital in some heavy equipment. Okay. I buy that. Right. That's what we're doing here. We're building a new

America. Let me put it that way. Geez, I don't think I, I don't have any ideas for how to solve this economic crisis. I'm going to take some job training classes at the City College to learn to become a milliner. They teach that here in LA at the City College? Well, yeah, in the millinery department. Oh, okay. You're going to transition into something more useful. Yeah, absolutely. I'm building the economy. okay another another idea from a listener all right um hi jordan jessica um i have a response to your action item about um saving the economy um i just bought some shoelaces. I've never bought shoelaces before, and I don't know.

And I knew that they came in different lengths, but I didn't exactly know that. So I bought ones that were too long, and then I bought these other ones that were too small. So after work today, I'm going to try to buy the exact right length and I will have dropped about 10 bucks on shoelaces so that's it see what I mean

I do stuff like that all the time I didn't know I was helping the economy I'm constantly buying the wrong thing sure look at this let's say your wife sends you out for a spatula sends you to the Ralphs or the Vons. Get a spatula real quick. Sure, you're a Hollywood celebrity.

Maybe she sends you to... Spago. Or Lecoq Sportif. Solitable. Yeah, like I was saying, Lecoq Sportif. And you come back with a flipper instead of a spatula. Okay. What are you doing?

I'm not going to waste everybody's time by bringing back the flipper. The flipper will just go in a drawer, and I'll go back and try again to get a spatula. Investing in the economy. Try the garbage. Just throw it in the goddamn garbage. And maybe to help the economy a little bit more, maybe I won't try so hard the second time to get the right thing either.

Right. You know what I mean? You come back with a table saw. Yep. And now each one of these trips to the store, I'm paying a parking attendant in the parking garage. Yeah. Right? As long as I'm at the store, I might as well stop by Mrs. Fields and get a chocolate chip cookie.

Sure. Right. You know what I mean? And all of a sudden, how many cookies do you have? Dozens of cookies. You're eating all these cookies. Right. You know what I mean? And all of a sudden, how many cookies do you have? Dozens of cookies. You're eating all these cookies. Yeah. And the thing about a cookie is it just makes you want currently are. Exactly. Then we'd be spending more on... Because they're binging. They're binging. They're not helping us when they purge.

No. Well, they're helping America's sewer workers. So the point here is that we're building something. We're getting laid off from lack of barf. We can fix that by barfing more. America's sewers are running empty. Yeah. That's the problem,

Jordan. It's a very common problem. The point is that we're investing in heavy equipment, we're building infrastructure, we're retraining. We're purchasing the wrong thing. Yeah, exactly. Jordan, you were just retraining the other day.

I saw you down at the job center working on your polo, polo match, polo game. It's true. You had one of those polo mallets and a nice riding horse, and you were working on hitting a ball on the ground

with a mallet, leaning over, you were wearing one of those nice helmets. Oh, sure. Nice little outfit. I was there, you don't have to describe it.

But Andy wasn't there. Oh, okay. Our listeners weren't there, they don't have to describe it. But Andy wasn't there. Our listeners weren't there. They don't know exactly. What's a listener? What are you talking about? It's someone that's annoyed at my flights of fancy. Oh, okay. So I think what's important is that you're

investing. Yeah. You know what I mean? So anyway, I think this is a great continuing action item. 20698984-4Fund. What are you doing to help build the economy in this dark, dark time? Yeah, there's all kinds of ways. Sure. Smash up your car. Absolutely.

On purpose. On purpose. Then you gotta go down to the Big Five and buy a bat to do it. Yeah, or no, I'm saying plow into somebody else. Then you get two different garages in town. And it helps the insurance industry yes absolutely people are like i better get some insurance there's some fucking assholes just driving around crashing into people on purpose yeah and your premium goes up this is the time to start driving recklessly in parking wherever the hell you want because that increases city revenues exactly tickets and things like that? Yeah. Look, I'm no Milton Friedman, but I know economics.

Okay? And this is how you save a nation. Save a nation. We should also start some more wars. Yeah. How come that last one didn't work, too? Isn't that what's supposed to happen? That you have a war and the economy starts humming?

I don't know. Yeah. I was thinking that as well. I'm like, isn't that what everybody said? The Great Depression? Yeah. I think we should nuke Equatorial Guinea. Sure. That's fine with me. Or, alternately,

Guinea-Bissau. If we could get the two of them fighting each other, we could just sit back and watch the cash roll in. This is what we do. We nuke Guinea-Bissau and then we send a note, like a handwritten note, Dear Equatorial Guinea,

Hope you enjoyed our nukes. That was totally us. Sincerely. You see what I'm saying? I see where you're going. It's great. This is fantastic. We're in the money. I'm going to start spending money now. I'm going to light my money on fire. That's how great the economy is about to be.

Yeah. What a relief. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. And Andy Daly, the ninth Beatle. Andy Daly is an actor. Yeah. An improviser. He's the man behind the funniest CD ever recorded, Nine Sweaters. If you're out there, there are two things that I believe

that if you don't buy them, you're a fucking idiot. One of them, one of them is Casper Hauser's SkyMall. The book SkyMall. If you don't buy that, you're just a fucking idiot.

I told you about it. You know? I said it. I said that you should buy it i'm look there's a lot of great things on the sandy young america you know like my my business here is telling you about a great thing if you don't buy sky mall you're a fucking idiot if you don't buy andy daly's nine sweaters you're a fucking idiot that's just the end of it it's like at nine dollars or something on itunes or some shit you can buy it on astrecords.com just buy that fucking shit

i feel similarly about certain menu items at wendy's iTunes or some shit. You can buy it on astrecords.com. Just buy that fucking shit. I feel similarly about certain menu items at Wendy's. But that's for another podcast. Anyway, on this program, we like to take the time to celebrate when something momentous happens in someone's life. We call it momentous occasions, and we ask them... Momentous occasions. It just felt we ask them... Momentous Occasions.

It just felt like it needed a theme song. Was that what they taught you to sing at Bennigan's when something momentous happened in the employee handbook? Yeah. We have a Momentous Occasion out there. Please, guys, help me. Your father beat cancer.

Enjoy this mud pie. Mud pie. Death by chocolate. Jesse, I'm a momentous occasion. My boyfriend and I just got back from our first day volunteering at the Donkey Sanctuary of Canada, where our first task was to brush the fur of some little donks. We'll be posting pictures later on your forum. Bye.

That's a momentous occasion. Stop rubbing your perfect relationship in our faces. Sounds fucking beautiful. Everyone has strife in their love life except these two. Can't you imagine a great... Wouldn't a great episode... My ultimate episode of Dr. Phil is this.

It's some couples who are having trouble. Dr. John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. Genius. And some donks. Some donks? John Gray just passes out the donk brushes. Oh, because they're like donkeys, but smaller.

Wait a minute. A donk is not a donkey? It's a miniature donkey. I didn't know that. Now you do, my friend. It's one thing to brush out a donkey. I mean, donkeys are a cute animal. There's no doubt about that.

But a miniature donkey? Hello, nurse. How do you not put one in your handbag and sneak out of the sanctuary? I don't know how small these are. Well, they have sanctuaries. It's illegal by tradition. It's like the humpback in the church. I had a momentous occasion today.

An older gentleman was in the store that I work at, and I was stocking shelves. He looked like Woody Allen, like now, if Woody Allen wasn't Jewish. He was wearing a Newsy cap, an old, like, members-only jacket, and he walked by me. He didn't say a word, handed me a Campino, like those little cheesecake-tasting things.

I didn't touch it because the guy creeped me up to no end. No idea. Walked, like, five feet, let out the biggest fart I've ever heard, and then just kept on walking. Everyone was staring at the guy, but he didn't even notice. He just kept on walking. Yeah, that's what happened to me.

The biggest fart he has ever heard. If that is not a momentous occasion. Yeah. I mean, sure, just seeing someone who looks exactly like Woody Allen but not Jewish, that's an amazing enough combination of characteristics. I suppose so. You know what I mean? I don't know what that dessert is that he's talking about.

I saw a guy, Jordan, who looked exactly like he was like a Paraguayan Michael Jordan. Michael Jordan from Paraguay. What is it called? A campino? A campino. Never heard of it. A cheesecake-y thing. It's like a cheesecake-y type thing, as I understand it.

He just handed it to him. That sounds quite a bit like a dream. Doesn't it sound? He looked like Woody Allen, but he wasn't. He looked different in a way I can't describe. And he handed me a dessert without saying anything, but not a dessert that anybody knows. Just sort of like a cheesecake, but by a different name. I know.

It's like I was at my old school. I knew it was my old school. But it was really a supermarket? Sure, sure. Hey, Jordan, Jesse. This is Josh in Seattle. I am calling with a momentous occasion. I just saw my first bank robbery.

in Seattle. I am calling with a momentous occasion. I just saw my first bank robbery. I was trying to turn left off of my street when the bank, half a block down, was robbed. So apparently I saw a swarming of about seven police cars and big rifles, and finally when it was my turn to turn, this SUV pulls up, stops in the middle of the street, and two guys jump out, grab a drunken-looking fellow with a shopping bag full of money, and start frisking him for weapons. So I haven't done that before. If you're going to rob a bank, you need to knock back a few first. But it's a fine line between just the right amount and too many. A couple of belts to steady the ship, okay.

But if you're too drunk to find the getaway car. Have I talked about the time my mom got arrested for bank robbery? No, I don't think so. This happened, I did not know about this until I was like, I was maybe 18 years old. I was having dinner with my mom, she had had jury duty she'd gotten off jury duty that day and i said oh what happened and they said she said she was in they were doing voodoo and she was in the box and they were questioning her and uh they said to her have you ever been arrested for a felony and she my mom said arrested arrested or convicted, which I think is pretty much enough to get you off right there.

But they said, well, either one, I guess. I'll bite. And she said, well, one time I was driving. She tells me the story of one time she was driving in her native town of Washington, D.C., and all of a sudden her car was surrounded by 40 police cars, and they were all aiming like machine guns at her. And so she got out of the car, and they arrested her for bank robbery.

And apparently they sent her to jail. She finds out that what happened is someone who had the exact same car as she did had just robbed a bank like two blocks away from where she was now in the meantime uh while they were they found all robber is escaping and robbing more banks at the time i think my mom was a kind of a drug dealer and um i did not full-time, but at least part-time. And sure, her car had a lot of acid in it. A drug dealer level of acid. Yeah.

But luckily, her husband then, she explains this all on the jury stand, her husband at the time was a lawyer, so he came down. It was an unreasonable search and seizure because she had done nothing wrong. Yeah. And so while she didn't get to keep the acid, she didn't get it back. As it turned out, she didn't have to stay in jail. He got her out of jail. That's quite a situation there.

A lawyer married to a drug dealer. Yeah. I want to see that sitcom. It's really something. You think a conflict level come up because of that? I wonder. Yeah. Actually, it turns out to work out really well, as it turns out.

He comes down and gets you out. Yeah, well, that's true. It does make sense. It reduces conflict. Anyway, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. And Jesse, can you hear me? It's Jordan, Jesse, go.

And there we go. Guy on the couch. He's on the couch. He's in the chair. You know, I don't know what I'm talking about. It's a good college. Ithaca College. It's a good one.

I bet that's a perfect college for exactly what we're talking about. Oh, yeah? First of all, I've heard that it's gorges. Ha ha! Yeah, on the popular T-shirt. You get some of your news from bumper stickers. Oh, T-shirts, yeah. Ithaca, yeah, there are lovely gorges there.

Now, let's talk a little bit about Ithaca. Jordan and I went to UC Santa Cruz. There is a phenomenon in Santa Cruz where there is this, despite the fact that no one who lives in Santa Cruz is really capable of generating that much tension, because they can't create a physical threat of any kind. Too high.

They're totally... They pull fatty bum rips. Yeah. So it's difficult to achieve this. But in Santa Cruz, there is a tension between the students and the townies. Town and gown. Yeah, there you go. Town and gown.

I didn't even know about that. There's a rhyme. My dad used to say that all the time. Oh, Town and gown. Yeah, there you go. Town and gown. I didn't even know about that. There's a rhyme. My dad used to say that all the time. Oh, town and gown, right? I don't know where he came up with it. Was it like that in Ithaca, New York? Yes, I think it was. I'll tell you, speaking of your mom's experience in court,

I once was cited for open container. It was the first time that I ever knew that you couldn't walk down the street with a beer bottle in your hand. Yeah. It just never occurred to me. I guess, thinking about it, I hadn't seen it much. Yeah.

Why doesn't everybody do this? Right. I mean, it's so nice. But I had to go to court, and it was just one person after another coming up and getting balled out for open container or public urination throughout the town. And it was a lot of women who were open container or public urination throughout the town.

And it was a lot of women who were up there for public urination. It was just a humiliation exercise of having to stand before the judge and get yelled at for peeing in public. And yeah, I really got the sense that that day, the conflict between the locals and the college students who just have to go from the campus down to the bars and back again. And if you're on that route, your lawn will get peed in or vomited on. Yeah. Or beer bottles will be thrown in it.

Jordan lived with some ladies when he was in college. We talked about this last week, who had a neighbor who was a townie who was always trying to pick them up. And the way he would do it was through a sort of, something that you've probably observed, a sort of exaggerated old-'ve probably observed a sort of exaggerated old timiness way of talking like oh lady perhaps thou wouldst like to join us for a tankard of ale you see what i'm saying that was his come on yeah yeah that's i think that's a regular come on we

when when jordan brought this up on the show, seriously, our discussion forums on MaximumFun.org, the thread for this week's show, completely dominated by discussion of this phenomenon. Women talking about all the various weird men that have come up to them, and of course people coming up with names for it, which is what we had challenged them to do. That phenomenon of the kind of Victorian, highfalutin, but not really kind of pick-up routine. For example, King Grebo suggested we should call a person who does that Sir Wanks a lot. That's pretty good. And one really good one, Renrodding, because it's like a Renaissance fair kind of thing.

The one I really liked was Bernarding. Oh, sure, after Ed Helms' character on The Office who does this. Yeah, he does this all the time. There were so many of these amazing suggestions. We had Fop talking was one. You know, that one's good because it could be a noun or a verb. This was one I really liked.

I'm calling about the action item of finding a name for the exaggerated gallantry of douchebags or douchebag townies. The simplest is the best, you know. These fellows who practice that are the knights of the dork table collectively and individually you can give them names like sir wanks a lot or sir galasad really sells it right i mean sir wanks lot. Two different people came up with independently. So I think that's really something.

And there was this one that I liked. Because the thing about a lot of these suggestions is they ended up being a little bit complicated. And what I think will really sell our neologism is if it's really simple. Sure. You know what I mean? And this was one that I liked that was really simple. Hey, Jesse and Jordan. this is Ann from Sacramento. I'm calling with

a word for Jordan. He was really confused and thought there should be a term for that really obnoxious fake Ren Faire speak that guys seem to whip out to impress the chicks, which it never does, by the way. But I believe that the correct word for this is chivalry.

Because chivalry is dead, but this chivalry stuff just keeps happening. And they are spooning it on with a trowel. There you go. What do you think? Chivalry. Chivalry. You like chivalry?

Well put. I like it because, to my mind, it conjures images of shit. Uh-huh. Feces. Yeah. You know whativalry? Well put. I like it because, to my mind, it conjures images of shit. Uh-huh. Feces. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Let's go with that. Are you on board with that? Is that better than Bernarding? I liked Bernarding, too. Bernarding, you have to explain it, I think, yeah. Yeah, it's too complicated, maybe. Chivalry. Well, you have to explain that, too.

Yeah. But it's a good one. It's punchy, right? It's punchy. Okay. Okay. Anyway, when this topic came up, Jordan and I asked people to talk to us about townies that they had met. Jordan and I have talked, for example, a lot about this guy named Phineas, who we were crazy about.

We loved Phineas. But he had the show, the time slot after us for a long time on our local, But he had the time slot after us for a long time on our college radio station. He was not a UC Santa Cruz student. He was attending a local community college. And he would often bring us almond butter. He worked at this place called the Natural Food Bin. And he would bring us an almond butter and some sprouted bread. And he would be really shocked if we didn't want any because he was such a sweet guy and so generous.

He'd bring us free fungal cheese. Exactly. It's free. Exactly. So anyway, our lives were so full of that. We got some good examples from our listeners. Hey, Jordan and Jesse. This is Jen from Los Angeles.

I'm calling in with a townie story. I went to college in suburban Massachusetts, just outside of Boston. And one time, some friends of mine were at Dunkin' Donuts really late at night, and they came across this group of townie guys and had struck up some kind of idle conversation when one of the guys goes, Okay, okay, that's enough. You guys want to come back to my place? You got boobs, I got booze.

Put them together, we can have a party. There you go. That's enough. At Dunkin' Donuts, too. That's perfect, right? Best place for that to happen. That's a townie home run. That is truly majestic.

Okay, here we go. We got some more awesome ones. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. go. We got another. We got some more awesome ones. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. This is Stace calling from Virginia. You're asking about weird stories with townies in college. When I was a senior at Northern Illinois University, I had a neighbor. He was, I guess, well, he was probably in his 40s, but he looked like he was in his 60s.

But he was a really nice guy. Never really hung out with him. And then one afternoon, he invited me over for a drink, and I thought, well, you know, seems like a nice guy, we'll go try it out. Walked into his place, and, well, first weird thing was that there were porno magazines all over the floor and all over the couch, and they looked used, so that was a little creepy. I decided I wasn't going to stay too long. He poured me a shot out of his.40, which was the third weird thing, and

as I was kind of desperately looking for my escape route, I turn around, and he's sitting there in a chair with a spoon and a lighter and his arm tied off. Wow. At which point, I remembered that I had to be somewhere and politely excuse myself.

But that was my strangest townie experience in college. I'm sure your listeners have far more bizarre ones. Loving the show. Keep it up, guys. Bye-bye. Wow. Seemed like a nice guy. Invited him over for a shot of malt liquor, get high, and jack off. That's what he invited him over for. Typical evening at home with a buddy. Hat trick.

Neighbor's coming over. Jordan, one thing that happened. Jordan, were you in that car with Tyler when we picked up that hitchhiker? Jordan, our buddy Tyler used to overfill his... he drove this Lincoln Town car. Beautiful. Lincoln Town car and it was it was sand... it was drip... sand drip painted. Like you would do your bathroom cabinets if it was 1989 and

you were going for like a southwestern theme, like a Taos theme. It was like painted with sort of like a southwestern theme, like a Taos theme. It was like painted with sort of like a tan primer and then dripped with like different colors. I don't know why he did that. But he had this full car full of people. And there's different places in Santa Cruz where people hitchhike automatically between two different. Tyler pulls over, picks up this guy. The guy like piles into this already full car which he thinks is pretty weird because it's full of dudes and he doesn't say anything and we're just kind of laughing and joking sharing

fun and and uh at one point the guy just looks up this is maybe five minutes into the ride the guy's been silent besides like a thanks when he got in um We're just driving along. He just looks up and he goes, so, do you guys pull fatty bong rips? Nice. That, I think, is Santa Cruz. I think we've talked about it on the show, but in my mind, how could you top the man who has nothing to say? Yeah.

He's silent for five or ten minutes, and he's just like, hey, I'll run this by him. He's trying to figure out the way to ask that whole time. Hey, you guys like The Simpsons? Yeah, exactly. The Simpsons is funny. You guys pull fatty bong rips? I had a weird, creepy townie experience.

What was that? I knew a couple of townies through local theater, one of whom seemed like a normal enough guy, and the other one was just weird. Local theater is like a real good place to find those. Yeah, yeah. In a small town, people who are just I got the theater bug. I got to go out and audition.

Anyway, one of them was just a little too friendly and a little too hyperactive and just somebody that you know you want to avoid. Well, one day I went to the post office to buy some stamps and there was a scale there and just for fun and curiosity I weighed my wallet. It was three and a half ounces, so I

did the thing with the scale and evened it out and weighed my wallet, and then I left without taking my wallet with me. So somebody came in after me and saw the scale with a wallet on it, perfectly weighed out and even scaled, which must have been strange. They chose to take the wallet, and years

later, the one townie I knew, Steve, the normal guy, sends me in the mail my driver's license with a note attached saying that he was over at the other guy, the weird guy's house. Lost some change in that guy's couch cushions. Went searching for it and found my driver's license there. Whoa. Creepy, right? Isn't that odd? That's like intensely upsetting. Yeah. Wow. Oh, my God. What did it end up in odd? That's like intensely upsetting. Yeah.

Wow. Oh my God. What did it end up in there? Jiminy Christmas. Okay, so this is another, this one's another. With the ladies, it's always a pickup story. So many of these. Hi, this is Anna in Brooklyn.

And I went to college in Wisconsin and in Madison. And there are not really townies, but there are a lot of sort of transients that hang around the downtown area who like to yell out things at college girls. And the best one that happened was actually not to me but to my friend. She was walking, and this guy, as she walked by, went, you look so good, I'll put some hot sauce on you. And she normally ignores these kinds of comments, but the hot sauce caught her attention. And she started turning and was like, what? And he was like, girl, you know what I mean? Hot sauce. And

he opens up his jacket, and in his inside pocket, he has a little bottle of hot sauce. It was amazing. In case he meets a hot chick in case he meets a chick and he wants to put some hot sauce on her and he's not just this is not idle talk he's got the hot sauce he's ready to go back up his pickup line if you heard this if someone said this to you you would assume it was metaphorical. Yeah. He was talking about the kind of hot sauce that a man generates. Oh, geez. You know? Right? I wasn't thinking that.

Yeah, sure. But, yeah. Or at least they would... Girl, you're so hot, I'm going to ejaculate on you. Yeah, or at least you look so good I could eat you metaphorically. Yeah. I wouldn't think that much about it, I guess. If I heard that, I would just think, oh, hot, spicy.

You're working in that area. Sure, right, yeah. This man carries it. Kind of a glorious Stefan. It's like a guy selling fake Rolexes inside his jacket, you know, like, hey, you want to buy a watch? Right. Only he's got a hot sauce there to display in case anyone responds to his borderline nonsensical pickup line.

He's prepared to literally put hot sauce on a woman. He's ready to deliver. I don't know if that ever, like, happened. He did that, and the woman's like, nah, I wasn't going to fuck you until I saw that bottle. Yeah, all right, let's go. Maybe there was just a traumatic point where, like, there was just a really hot chick like one time uh one time you know like uh twiggy was in town in 1969 and uh and she was walking past and he said hey girl you look so good i could put some hot sauce on you and she said okay let's do it let's go where's the hot sauce i got three minutes

before my shoot starts you know what i Yeah. And he didn't have any. Hey, Jordan and Jesse. It's David from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. I'm calling in response to your townie college thing. I didn't think I would qualify since I went to college in the same town I live in, Milwaukee. However, you mentioned people that own crystal stores. When I was at the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee, there was a crystal store not too far from where I went to college. It's now out of business.

And during the time I was there, I found out that the woman who owned it was trading crystals to my mother for narcotic prescription medication, antipsychotic specifically. So, fun with townies. Thank you very much. That's magical. That's the barter system. If anyone says that crystals are not magic, if anyone says you can't balance yourself out with crystals, if anyone says they can't get you Percodan,

hello, the poor guy's mother. You're right. Crystals make a lot of false promises, but if anyone tries to sell me a crystal Promising that it can get me prescription meds I'll know it's true But his mom was on the right side of that transaction It is better to trade

Your prescription medication For crystals Than it is to trade crystals for prescription meds Well because The crystal person then I think Is sort of admitting that their crystals are maybe, you know, they don't have medicinal value in and of

themselves. Yeah, these are bullshit. Okay, anyway. They need to be traded for actual science. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Andrew Daly, bogeyman or bogeyman? Either one? Bogey. I pick bogey. Bogey? Bogeyman. All right.

That's because you're a bit of a duffer. Am I right? Out on the golf course. I see it written bogey. Bogey? Bogeyman. All right. That's because you're a bit of a duffer. Am I right? Out on the golf course. I see it written bogeyman, a real bogeyman of the left, and sometimes people pronounce it that way. Yeah, sure. I don't know. I've always heard bogeyman.

Well, that's because whoever they're referring to is bad at golf. Is that it? I say yes. Okay. All right. I say that's the difference. The bogeyman... And we're back to Dorf.

The bogeyman is a man who comes in the night to steal your soul because you were a poorly behaved child. Yeah, uh-huh. Or to torment your dreams. Yeah. The bogeyman is a guy who's had a bad string of luck on the course. Is that right? He's losing money left and right. Too much mimosa.

Yeah. Before he gets out there. Maybe he shouldn't be making such big side bets. The wife's going to be angry. He doesn't care. He just wants to get out there on the links. Yeah. Just the fresh air. A nice walk. Beautiful.

Here comes the club car. A couple of hot drink ladies. Ladies bringing him some hot ladies bringing him a drink on the course. Spicy hot sauce. We had a great show, Jordan. It was such a fun show. It's always great to have Andy Daly here, am I right?

Yes. Always delighted to be here. Why are you hesitating? You don't seem convinced. My eyes won't focus. This guy's got his own... I'm having some ocular trouble. This guy's got his own great television program coming up February 15th on HBO.

People are going to love this. They're going to love it. I've seen all six episodes at this point. It's amazing. It's like a three-hour-long movie segmented into six 30-minute segments. This is really something. I felt like it was really going somewhere when I watched that first one. I was like, this is the start of something big.

It's really funny. That's what I said to myself. It's really funny and heartbreaking and just good. So you did six for HBO. I don't know if this might just be... Okay, a little too Hollywood a question. For HBO, do you get the back nine or do you get the back six? Or is it just a six-episode situation?

It's a six-episode season. This is sort of because they agreed to do this television program before they got it surprisingly famous? Maybe to some extent that is right, but I think HBO and the creators agreed that six episodes would be a good season, like the British model. And yeah, if it comes back for a second season, that'll probably be six as well. Yeah, there you go. I think it's a good season like the, you know, the British model. And, uh, yeah, if it comes back for a second season, that'll probably be six as well.

Yeah, there you go. And I think it's a good call. And listen, I, I don't mean to harp on this point, Jordan. Yeah.

If you don't go to, you've been known to harp. If you don't go to AST records.com or Amazon.com or iTunes and buy Andy Dilley's CD nine sweaters, you're a fucking idiot. And a straight up chump. You've been, you've been played, bitch. You've You're a fucking idiot. And a straight-up chump. You've been played, bitch. Yeah, you've been bogeyed. You're a real bogeyman.

Oh, yeah. Okay. We had a great time. Of course, the economy topic will continue. What are we doing for the economy? People have been doing some amazing stuff with... Andy, I don't know. You probably aren't on board yet with the darkish teal ribbon for Maximum Fun Awareness.

No. This is a ribbon in the color darkish teal that people wear or display on the internet in order to suggest that they support awareness of MaximumFun.org, our website. Oh, yeah. I support that. You know, you and I both know that

ignorance is the greatest problem that we face in this great country right now. Sure. And a general lack of awareness. And also type 2 diabetes. Well, that's a distant second. Maybe a lack of awareness of type 2 or juvenile onset diabetes. I see what you're saying. I see what you're saying.

It's under the umbrella of ignorance. Exactly. Exactly. So we're fighting this with this ribbon. We've got some amazing stuff already that's been done. We had one listener on the forum already posted, she already crocheted a darkish teal ribbon beer koozie. It's a koozie for your...

A koozie? Yeah, it's for your beer. It keeps your beer cold. I think we're in another Boogeyman Bogeyman situation. Yeah, I've heard cozy. I'm going to say cozy. We may have even talked about this. Yeah, we had a whole episode about this.

I forget how it came out, though. Anyway, the point is it has the darkish teal ribbon on it. And everybody who does something that's really awesome is sending out prizes. There's this guy on the forum called Jarkarn or something like that. He's the new eccentric British millionaire that posts on the forum called Jarkarn or something like that. He's the new eccentric British millionaire that posts on the board. I believe that all eccentric Britons who post on our board are millionaires. Anyway, he's planning to put a giant magnet one on his car, on the bonnet, as he so quaintly calls it, of his car. Adorable, adorable. But, you know,

if people just want to do something simple, you can just put the button on your website. And, you know, if you go to the website, you click on the blog, you'll see it on the right-hand corner there. You can click on it, and you'll get the code just to put it on your MySpace or whatever. That's fine. That's easy.

But, you know, we're also giving out prizes for people to do something really amazing and creative, and people have been doing it thus far. I've been very well impressed. Um, and 206-9844-FUN is the number to call. Uh, you can also email us at JJGO at MaximumFun.org. And,

uh, you know, that sounds like a great show to me. Yeah. Do we decide on chivalry? We did. Yeah. Chivalry.

Chivalry. Yeah. I like it. Use it. Hey, guess what? Jordan, Jesse, shovelry. Shovelry. Yeah, I like it. Use it! Hey, guess what, Jordan and Jesse Goh listeners? There are two, count them, two full bonus segments of this week's program. You can find them in the discussion thread for this episode of Jordan and Jesse Goh on the Maximum Fun Forum at MaximumFun.org slash forum.