Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 89: A Tribute to Dennis Richmond

Episode Date: February 16, 2009

Recorded Live with the Monsters of Podcasting at SF Sketchfest.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, brandy, maggoty, maggoty, twid the Monsters of Podcasting at SF Sketchfest.

Let's go. Oh, yeah. Yes. Oh, yeah. Yes. Oh. Thank you. Oh, it's Jordan, Jesse. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective.

I'm so excited to... Quick question, Jordan. Yes. What's going on? How are you doing? Doing great, Jesse. Great to be here at San Francisco Sketch Fest. Am I right, people?

Beautiful. Jordan. Yes. Follow-up question. What are you wearing? What do you mean? What have you got on? Oh, you mean my beautiful rings.

Jordan, I can tell that you're not wearing any rings. Oh, this is a Snuggie. I'm wearing a Snuggie. Jordan, I feel like we've been doing this for a long time. I shouldn't have to ask this kind of question, but why are you wearing a Snuggie for our podcast taping? Two reasons. One, I want to be comfortable.

And two, my hands are free. I can have my hands free. Thank you. So what more reason do you need? Well, I just don't see why you would even, why do you need your hands free? We're podcasting. I mean, all kinds of reasons.

To answer the phone, to change the channels on the TV, to strangle a dog, and to read a book. Wait, what did you say? Make dinner. That's not even one of the things you said. Jordan Morris, ladies and gentlemen.

Jordan Morris. He's wearing a Snuggie. I can get rid of that card. Oh, Jordan, isn't it fun to be back here in San Francisco? It is, absolutely. Back in the San Francisco Sketch Fest. It's been a long time since we were here with Prank the Dean the last time. Sure.

Oh, great to be back here in the Eureka Theater. I was thinking about what kind of stuff we should talk about. Oh, yeah. I mean, this is a San Francisco Bay Area, Northern Cal audience, and you're maybe a little more well-versed being a native. You're originally from Mission Viejo, right? Mission Viejo, yeah. Mission Viejo in Orange County. I'm here, actually, from here in San Francisco. It's fine. You can applaud.

Anyway, I was thinking I was just brainstorming some different topics. Of course, we've already talked a lot on the show about the 1989 San Francisco Giants in the past, so I feel like we don't need to reiterate that. They're National League champions. No reason. I thought of...

I know you gave me a couple ideas. I threw those out. I thought... So I suggested, you know, Golden Gate Bridge. Right. Clam chowder in a bread bowl. That fabulous Castro district. Right.

I mean, it's obvious you don't have a good understanding of what really makes the Bay Area and San Francisco tick. I guess not. I was thinking we could talk about Dennis Richmond. Dennis Richmond. Nope, I have no idea who that is. He's the longtime, he spent 40 years on KTVU Channel 2. Okay.

Hosting the 10 o'clock news. Can we just not devote too much time to this? You mentioned it, everyone. You mentioned it, everyone clapped. We should probably move on to more general interest topics. No, I really, I think we should talk about it. Let's talk about his mustache. I've never seen his mustache.

It's a really nice mustache. How much entertainment can we get from you describing a mustache? It's a great mustache. Am I right? My great mustache. Well, great. You said it was great. They clapped.

Now what else is there to do? Nothing. Nothing. We're done with that. Yeah, it does just say Dennis Richmond here. Yeah. You said that the mustache was of a high quality... Idea.

Compromise. Right? Sure. It's a new day in America, right? An age of compromise. We listen to our enemies and so on. How about... You're saying I'm your enemy now?

Well, any enemy of Dennis Richmond's is an enemy of mine. I just don't know who he is! No, I don't. I don't hate the man. I just don't know who he is. I guess he has a mustache. That's basically all I know at this point. Look, compromise idea, Jordan.

I have an idea for a compromise. Instead of talking about him, I had planned to talk about him for the rest of the show but since you're so obstinate you don't want to talk about him at all am I Iran in this enemy scenario I'm Iran aren't I you're Kim Jong Il

right now you're Kim Jong Il how about Mo you have the projector down there right could you just put I made this photo montage of Dennis Richman through the years. You know, this is a more contemporary... No need to describe. They can see it.

No need to describe the photo montage. They can look at it and see what's happening. He's covering some seals down in the bottom right. And in the middle, you can see that Channel 2 was the original 10 o'clock news. Okay, fair enough. Do you feel like that's well covered? More than well. Yes, thorough.

That was more thorough than it had to be. There's actually something that I did actually want to ask you about, Jordan. This is what it is. As some of you out there probably have never heard of us before, you may not know that Jordan is actually a professional entertainment personality on a little channel called Fuel TV, which those of you out there who are action sports enthusiasts...

Sarcastic applause. That's what we're looking for. Sarcastic asshole applause. From some fucking guy in a Joy Division shirt, probably. Stand up, backpack. So I can see your fucking asshole applauding face. For those of you who don't know about Jordan's work, he's worked with many major celebrities from Frank Stallone.

Who's the guy who sprays with the confetti? Rip Taylor. Rip Taylor. Rip Taylor. A lot. A lot. We'll just say a lot. I don't want to do a list.

Okay. Now, in contrast, I'm a public radio host. So I don't, you know, like, I'm sure I got a lot of connections in the Luna Bar industry. Sure. You know, that kind of thing. But I'm actually going to have my first ever meeting with a Hollywood agent. Okay. This is an agent.

She called me up. She said, we're going to have a meeting. It's at the Creative Artists Agency. Sure. It's a major area. All I know about meeting with an agent is Rob Lowe in Thank You for Smoking. That's like my whole understanding.

In fact, that's pretty much... So you're saying if you show up and it's not Rob Lowe, part of you is going to be disappointed. Yeah, a big part of me. It's not Rob Lowe. To be honest, his voice sounded really high on the phone. Sort of like a lady. Anyway, I don't know.

I don't know what is... Here on the phone. Sort of like a lady. Anyway, I don't know. I don't know what is... Here's the thing. I can maybe give you a little bit of advice. I have representation. I have a manager who deals with my... What's the difference between a manager and an agent? The word you use to call them.

The words you say when you're describing them. Got it. Okay. And I always feel... I would have you see, because if it was me, I would say handsome, because he's so good looking. Hey, handsome.

You just called me handsome. Rob Lowe, right? He's a beautiful man. What am I going to do with this guy? Here's my problem when talking to my manager. It sounded funny in my head. I figured everyone would still be on Rob, because I was hung up on Rob Lowe. Clearly.

So I talk to this guy once a week, and I really like him in all my agent meetings. I met a lot, and he's definitely a solid guy, understands comedy and so forth. And I'm really comfortable talking to him, except for kind of my own neuroses. I maybe call him once a week, and I always feel self-conscious because we just talk about me. And so he's like, so how's your career going? Are you having fun? Any this? How did this show go?

Tell me about this. Here's what I've been talking about. And then the conversation about me is over, and I feel the need to go like, so dude, what have you been up to? Which is a waste of his time completely. He's at work calling me,

and yeah, so that's the awkward thing. I want to invite him out. I want to see him want to come over. What has he been up to? Probably gold-plating sushi or something like that, right? Sure, yeah, yeah. Something with Chloe Sevigny. I don't know what. Something.

So yeah, that's kind of the awkward part for me is this guy who's always very nice, but I, yeah. Do you try, do you try?

He doesn't want to come over to my fucking apartment. No. He doesn't want to come over to my fucking apartment. No. He doesn't want to come over and play Gears of War with me. He's an agent. He has... His apartment has a really sweet view and a shark tank. Yes.

Like a dead body in the freezer. His car has an ejector seat. He's an agent. But, like, what do you say to an agent i really like i feel like i'm gonna go in and talk to this uh woman slash rob low and and i'm like i'm gonna be there and be like well i'm i've i met bob edwards that's gonna be my thing like he used to be on morning edition see if uh train yourself to get your eyes to turn into dollar signs.

For the meeting. Just see if you can get to that place where you can transform your eyeballs into dollar signs. Should I start trying to change all of... Right now, as the audience can probably tell, most of the metaphors in my brain are Rob Lowe based. Sure. Do you think that I should start

changing my metaphorical thinking process as this is into something meets something? I think you should try and deceive her like Rob Lowe deceived Tommy Boy. Jordan, I asked you a real question and you made a Rob Lowe joke. Well, sure. No, right. You're right. I'm the asshole.

I'm the asshole in this. You're right. Whoa, what a fucking idiot making a Rob Lowe joke. Well, sure. No, right, you're right. I'm the asshole. I'm the asshole in that situation. You're right. Whoa, what a fucking idiot making a Rob Lowe joke. Seriously, what kind of idiot would make a Rob Lowe joke, right? Here's my, like, kind of legitimate advice. If you go in there and you're uncomfortable by her Hollywoodness, if she is talking about she wants to make your show, you know, Lost Meets Desperate Housewives.

Right. Presented by Slim Jim. Sure. Presented by Slim Jim. Then just don't work with her. Oh. Yeah. Just be as tolerant as you can possibly be of that.

What if she wants it to be Lost Meets Desperate Housewives, but it's presented by Fiddle Faddle? Okay. You hold out for O'Boysies. Okay. You hold out for O'Boysies, because you're, that's... They leave the skin on, that's why. Duh. Okay, Jordan. I want to do something here on the program.

Sure. Where... God forbid we do something on this show. I know. We're just going to talk about agents. We're going to have a little sort of contest quiz game here. We will need two volunteers from the audience. It's kind of going to be a $10,000 pyramid situation.

Is it that kind of situation? I have an audience member and Jesse has an audience member. There are prizes involved. There are prizes. Both the winner and loser will get prizes. And are prizes involved. There are prizes. Both the winner and loser will get prizes. And you don't have to be funny. In fact, we ask that you not be funny. We're already not.

Hey, I know you're in a great improv group in Berkeley. Uh-huh. And you guys are really funny. And you guys sell out the hug co-op. We understand that your pockets are full of balloons that could

be turned into scatological balloon animals. We understand that the name of your group is the Satellite of Love. But in all sincerity, we need two volunteers just to play our game with us. Just raise your hand.

It'll be a lot of fun. There's really no responsibilities here. Can I choose first? Yeah, go for it. I want this army jacket guy back here. Is that an army? It might not be an army. It's a green jacket.

Get up your green jacket. Can you give green jacket a hand, please? Yeah, green jacket. I need to pick somebody myself. I'm picking this woman in the tan colored sweater, gray tan colored sweater. Come on up, gray tan sweater. It's my good friend, gray tan sweater. Okay, this is something that we're doing. We want to capitalize. Obviously, we're in front of a live studio audience, not something we normally do.

We want applause. We want enthusiasm. When comics go on the road, when comics go on the road, they say they want to do a lot of regional material, kind of play upon the regions, the quirks, the biases, the prejudices. Dodgers versus Giants. Sure, sure, sure.

Bay Bridge World Series 1989. New York, New Jersey, which one smells worse? Yeah, exactly. So that kind of thing. So here's what we want to do. We want to play that game. But we've kind of expanded it outward. This is like a new Obama-era version.

Absolutely. Jesse and I, what we're going to do is we're going to call out a bullshit thing that we've seen in a city. And look, we understand there's bullshit in every city. Absolutely. It's not just Los Angeles. A lot of bullshit.

And then you'll try and guess which city the bullshit is from. So we're going to take turns and whoever gets the most correct answers will receive our grand prize. Yeah. Would you guys say your names to the mic, please? And just get right in there on those microphones.

Yeah, please. Mic guy first. David. David. Jeannie. Jeannie? Jeannie? Jeannie.

Jeannie. Like with the lamp. That makes more sense. Okay. I'll go first. That makes more sense. Okay. I'll go first. David's first here. Jordan. Okay.

Bullshit thing. Which city? Ed Hardy brand Ugg boots. Ed Hardy branded Ugg boots. Where did I see that bullshit thing? The choices are San Francisco. No, you can pick any city. Just pick a city. Las Vegas?

It was not. It was Los Angeles. It was Los Angeles, California. Okay. Okay. Cheney. Okay, here we go. A restaurant serving only Barack Obama-themed appetizers.

Appetizers with a theme of a newly elected politician. Washington, D.C. That's incorrect. It was San Francisco. San Francisco. San Francisco. It's the front porch. Yeah, the front porch restaurant.

Not okay. Good restaurant otherwise. All right,, the front porch restaurant. Not okay. Good restaurant otherwise. Alright, Dave, let's go. Any city. I saw a woman walking down the street at night at the kind of bar-going time of night in a bedazzled

bathrobe. David, what city? Where did I see this bullshit? In what city was this bullshit? Los Angeles? Ooh, that's San Francisco. Incorrect! That's San Francisco. That's San Francisco. Yes, that was last night in San Francisco.

If it was Los Angeles, it would probably be like a bedazzled lap dog. Sure, right. Okay. Genie. Yeah, someone yelled, was it last night? Right here. Yes. Were you seriously wearing a bedazzled

bathrobe last night, madam? Fucking cut it out, dude. That's really the lady. That's... Wow! I mean, thank you. Thank you for coming to the show. I love you. But...

There's... You... You appear to be a grown-up. Yeah. Now to adjust my snuggie. Okay. Jeannie, Jeannie, from what city did this bullshit come? A children's spa.

A spa specifically for children. And I'd like to take this opportunity to clarify before you answer. This is not a spa that accepts children. This is a spa for children because they're sick of going to the grown-up spa. In what city could that be found? I'm going to go with Houston. That's incorrect. It was Los Angeles.

Los Angeles. All right, David. This one red robin where there's not enough syrup in the Cokes. Dave. Where did I see this bullshit? The Cokes were very watery

A lot of carbonation Not a lot of syrup There must have been a problem With a spigot New Orleans It's actually Butte, Montana Butte, Montana God Butte, Montana. God, do we have a zero for zero situation?

We're O for O. Okay. Okay, Jeannie. Look at me with this one, because we can get this together, okay? Using money with the same name as real money, but with a picture of a bird instead of a president. Where was this

bullshit going on? That has to be San Francisco. I'm going to help you out here. What's the name of our money? The name of our money? Yes, the name of our money. Starts with a D. I do think there is a place

near 16th and Mission where you can buy a pair of shoes with a bowl of lentil soup. But apart from that place. The name of her money is dollar. Yes, that's correct. Now, she's on her road to victory. I think you've got it wrong. Okay, fine.

It was Canada, okay? It was Canada. If a picture of a bird on their money, that's bullshit. All right, Dave. Me and you. Where did I see this bullshit? It appears for only one day every hundred years. What city appears in total bullshit fashion For only one day every hundred years.

Is that Moria? It's actually Brigadoon. It's Brigadoon. From the hit musical Brigadoon. Brigadoon. It appears only once. This is the last go around. One day every hundred years.

Okay, I got one more here. I think you can get this one, okay? We're looking for the name of a city. What city does this bullshit go down? Dudes who get drunk and talk too loud in bars, and also they have gills. They have gills so they can breathe underwater. Atlantis?

The Lost City of Atlantis! Come on! That's correct! All right. Okay, if we get this, we can tie. Where did I see this bullshit? It's full of nagging until eventually I shoot her. This is an easy one.

This is an easy one, David. You can pull this out. Philadelphia. That's actually my mother-in-law's house. Jordan Morris! Jordan Morris! Jordan Morris, ladies and gentlemen!

Yeah! Oh! Wow. That was fun. Fuck her! That was so fun. That married life is not what you expect it to be. Okay, well, Jeannie...

Our winner is Jeannie. But, David, you were a brave competitor on this evening. I think the lesson that we take away from this, just looking at this earnest, talented young man who failed to answer a single question correctly in our quiz is that even the bravest and most talented amongst us can occasionally misfire.

And for that reason, you will be winning a copy, two films on digital versatile disc. Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm genius Larry David's hit film Sour Grapes and legendary comedy actor and director Mike Nichols and brilliant stand-up

comic and television creator Gary Shandley's misbegotten vibrating penis alien film What Planet Are You From? Let's hear it for David. Thank you so much, David. Now, Jeannie, you've won this astonishing test of wills. And as such, I think, like many victors, you're going to want to rest in your spoils.

Absolutely. Now, when you rest, I feel comfortable in saying that you'll want to be warm. And you'll want to be able to use your hands. So with our compliments, please accept... As seen on TV, people! As seen on TV! This Snuggie brand blanket with armholes

featuring a special bonus compact press-and-open book light. Thank you so much, Jeannie. It's not a slanket, that's a Snuggie. That's a Snuggie. It's a Snuggie, ladies and gentlemen. Oh. Oh, my God.

You didn't fly in here from L.A., right? No, I actually flew in here from Aspen, Colorado. That's the playground of the rich and famous, if I'm not mistaken. It is. That's why I was playing there. That's not true. That's not true, Jordan. For those of you who don't

follow the program, I work for Fuel TV, a program, a network which you would applaud sarcastically. Yes, and it covers action sports. You're skateboarding, you're snowboarding, you're surfing, that kind of thing. As I understand it, Jordan, it's sports that we might think of, but not races.

If there's a race, that makes it gay, right? Yeah, no, there's no racing involved. It's all about tricks, trick-based sports. If there's a race, it doesn't matter. The race could be on a snowboard mounted on your mind's gaze. Speed is gay. Anyway, so I was there. It's the Winter X Games. I don't know if anybody's been following the Winter X Games.

Anybody out there? Winter X Games fans? Slow, style, free ski, big air, snowman. Okay, good. Said a couple winter things. And the action sports industry, as you might imagine, is decadent. It's a little bit decadent. There's lots of parties, and they are very boozy, these parties. They're very boozy.

It's like fucking surfer dudes. Sure. Like skateboard guys. Surfer dudes, skateboard guys. Run this industry. Sure. This multi-trillion dollar industry is run by... Guys with neck tattoos.

Like the guy who smokes out back at the school, yeah. And I was at the... The first night I was there, I was at the Red Bull party. Okay, sure. The Red Bull sponsored X Games party. Of course. And I was doing a bit, I was interviewing some pro snowboarders at the Red Bull X Games party. You can tell. I just, for those of you who don't listen to the show, you can tell how extreme Jordan is just going into this.

Very fit. I'm very fit. Yeah, he's fit handsome athletic tan real tan he fits in if he's got the spiky hair he loves if there's one thing this man loves it's a vert ramp yeah vert anything and my own huge johnson yeah so so you're at this extreme party. Throwing that out there. And part of the, something I was at at this party, there was an ice luge. Jesse, are you familiar with what an ice luge is? I think you're going to have to explain what an ice luge is.

Ice luge is an ice sculpture. Because granted, I know what a dirt luge is, but. Okay, no, go ahead. It's an ice sculpture that has some sort of chute or spout to where booze can be poured and you can drink from the ice sculpture. has some sort of chute or spout to where booze can be poured and you can drink from the ice sculpture. Okay, excellent. Usually you put a cup underneath, but once dudes start getting outrageous,

they'll put their head underneath. Oh, snap. Yeah. That's very extreme. So part of my line of questioning at this party, when I was interviewing the greats of snowboarding, you're Erol Ettes, you're anti-Oughties. Who are you interviewing now?

Oh, pro snowboarders. All right, so who... Errol Etta, anti-Oughtie. Oh, sure. They're all Scandinavian. Gotcha. I was... So my line of questioning was like,

all right, who's going to put their head under the ice luge tonight? And everybody was like, no, no, no, got to practice, got to compete in the morning. So kind of naturally, what we decided was at the end of the piece i would put my head underneath the ice luge yeah absolutely uh and have booze poured into it and you know folks that's called taking it to the max sure uh so i did and and as happens in tv for some reason that i wasn't considering was that I have to do this numerous times. Right.

I have to do several takes of this for lighting, for someone walking in the middle of the frame, for the camera being shaky. So I do this a few times and then am very, very, very drunk. And then, you know, it was just like 8 o'clock I was doing this. And so I was just real drunk at 8 and there were still just free drinks to be had. Santo Gold performed at some point. Yeah, sure. So, you know, when I walked back to the hotel all alone, like the crew I was there with left, I was so drunk. And so I walk back to the hotel, and just sitting at the hotel bar is Sal Masekela.

Who is Sal Masekela? He's a famous kind of X Games commentator, but has now made the jump to kind of mainstream TV. He's on E! The Ten. He's on E? He's on E! Entertainment Television. So he's basically the king of extreme guys. Yeah, he's like an African-American Ryan Seacrest. His job is.

He's not, so I met this guy. Presuming here that Ryan Seacrest's father was jazz great Hugh Massacre. Sure. Gotcha, okay. And so I see,

I've met this guy twice, but I see him and in my drunkenness I just bro out so intensely. You just have a sort of a bro-splosion. I grab him on the

forearm to do the brave heart hug. Yeah. And there was a woman with him and I'm not, and this isn't hyperbole, like this isn't jokey, this isn't like jokey hero story

hyperbole, but I don't remember what happened. I honestly don't. I'm not saying that for the purpose of a goofy story. I hate when fucking assholes get drunk and talk about how drunk they were, but I honestly don't remember. It was for work. He had to put his head under the ice luge.

And so I see this guy and I bro down and then I wake up the next morning and I'm like, God, I was so embarrassed. What if I see this guy and I bro down And then I wake up the next morning And I'm like, God, I was so embarrassed Like, what if I see this guy? I probably made a lot of gay jokes to him And what if I see this guy? Because like all you remember at this point Is that you totally broed out

And eventually going to sleep And that he was with a girl At the time Anyway, so I see him I see him by the big air ramp okay sure and he gives me one of these probably a type of vert ramp for those of you who are you know 30 yards away he gives me one of these he gives me the point he points right at me and starts nodding his head now at this point at this point in the process this could mean one of two things sure

you are one of the, you are an amazing drunk guy. That's the one first possibility. The second possibility is you're about to catch some fists. Sure. He's like, yes. It's on. He's pointing to me so his goons know which one to beat up. His E! Entertainment goons.

He's like, points at me and I'm like, oh uh and then i was like kind of just wave and then he's like hey wingman nice job last night and so he comes over he's like hey wingman you set him up i knock him down and he. And he does the volleyball motion. He does the set up and then the spike. The set and the spike. And then I'm like, so you had a good time last night? He's like, you bet I did.

So here's what I've derived from that. Lessons learned. When I am blackout drunk, I'm a great wingman. Yeah, sure. from that. Lessons learned. When I am blackout drunk, I'm a great wingman. Yeah. Sure. And selfless to the point where I'm trying to get others laid. Yeah. Which is great. I'm awesome. Your inhibitions are

inhibiting you from helping others get laid. Sure. Anyway, that's about the long and the short of that. That's amazing, though. That's a good round of applause for Jordan. So, if anybody tonight, if anybody tonight, I just saw someone leave. Apparently they were just here for the ice luge story. So if anybody tonight is looking to seal the deal, just buy me a couple of hundred drinks.

And I'll make sure you get some penetration. Was that the international symbol for penetration? Yes. I know we have some non-English speakers here who just like our cavorting. We would like to take this opportunity to bring to this stage a man who needs no

introduction yet will receive one just the same. A man so handsome, brilliant, insightful, and charismatic that he has earned the title of Master of Would You Rather. Please welcome Jim Rayal. Jim? Yes. Jimmy. Take off that jacket. Man has taken off his jacket.

Jim Rayal is, as I just mentioned, the Master of Would You Rather. Now here's what we're about to do. Jim, as the master of would you rather has prepared for us a would you rather choice. We will be presented with two options, sometimes two similar options, sometimes two wildly dissimilar options. We will discuss the relative considerations and make our choice. If we have questions about the options, we will turn to Jim Rayout, the master of Would You Rather, and he will then clarify for us any points that seemed hazy. Now, of course, there are only two of us up here on the stage.

And we love to play Would You Rather with three people. So we have arranged tonight for a very special guest to join us on stage. A major international celebrity. A celeb-u-tant to some extent. A get-about? A get-about? No, get-about. I said it right.

Okay. Please welcome to the stage my mom, Judy. Mom, come on up here. Judy! Here comes my mom. Come on up to the stage, mom. Take a seat at that microphone, and just when you talk, talk straight into it, just right into that bad boy.

Come on up. Come closer to the microphone. Just come all the way in there. Don't blow on it. Did you say hello just so we can all hear? No. No, that was good. That was good. You did a good just so we can all... Hello. No. No, that was good. That was good. You did a good job.

Dad is a stone. No, no, it's working. Talk into it. It's great. We're doing great. Alright, I promise. Jim, you've met my mom before, right? Mom? Hi, Comedy Mom. Hi, Judith. Hi. Jim, what is our Would You Rather for this program?

Okay, we're jumping right into it. Yeah. Do you want to chit-chat about your upcoming projects? You have a clip? You want something we want to plug? I'm just used to a long... You are here for one purpose only! Jim, you're not called the master of banter. Okay, all right.

Just used to a long elaborate... That's Al Roker, by the way. Okay, alright Would you rather Have your cell phone Make your voice sound very deep and breathy Deep and breathy Or

Commute to work on horseback It's tough, it's tough Wow Wow Mom Now you're Mom, you're a It's tough, it's tough. Wow. Wow. Mom, now you're, mom, you're a college teacher. Yeah, they say so. Get up closer to the mic. You're a college teacher.

You live in San Francisco, but you teach at Santa Rosa Junior College. I do. So that would be a consideration. I'm just saying that would be a consideration. Because that's a two-hour drive. Now, Jim, I have a question I want to ask. Are

your employers accommodating for the horse? Is there a place for me to park the horse? Do they care that it shits? Can I have alfalfa in my desk? You have an employee stable. Okay. Now, is this

some weird, like, Kevin Costner dystopia where everyone rides a horse? I don't know what you mean, Jordan. Is it normal to ride a horse to work in this scenario? Yes. No, it's totally accepted. Oh, there goes Jordan on his way to work. Sure. Okay, but is it...

There goes Jordan and Patches on their way to work. My pony's name is Patches. Is it that everyone rides a horse to work or just Jordan, but it's accepted and maybe even celebrated? Only you. Is there a horse lane? Or possibly... Just a minute. I have a question. Okay, my mom has a question.

If you already have a low breathy voice on your cell phone, is riding the horse to work the default position and the only possible answer? You do have to choose one of the two options. If you already have a voice that could be described as low and breathy, does it make it more low and breathy? Yeah, it's definitely going to distort your voice. You sound really weird on the other end.

But you look really weird if you're riding a horse, perhaps. But maybe not in Sonoma County, where lots of people have horses. Jim, let me ask you this point of clarification here. When you say it's going to make your voice sound low and breathy, are you talking about a muffled Tones of Barry White type situation, or are you talking about a heavy breather, telephone sex predator type situation? It's definitely not sensual.

Okay. Okay, if I have the horse and I ride it to work, can I also have a car for when I need to take a group of people, when I need to haul a bunch of people? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And in the event that you have a long commute, like, Judy, how you have to go to Santa Rosa, you're not expected to do the whole commute on horse.

That would take forever. But the bulk of the commute has to be on horse. You don't have to take a train to, you know, Novato or something, and then from there pick up patches and head on up. I just pick up patches in the car park where she's waiting. I heard that people came to the signing

of the Declaration of Independence on horseback from Philadelphia and Baltimore and that's a lot further. In 2009? No, they did it before cars, Jim. Ladies and gentlemen, the Oakland public school system at work. It's a lot farther than I thought it was.

Can you just tie the horse up in front of your classroom on the railing there? Wherever you feel safe putting your horse. It's your animal. Will it have its own salt lick? If you buy it one. I have to buy the salt licks? Does anyone here an equestrian and can tell me how much a salt lick costs? That's their biggest problem.

I think it's really about getting the hay brought in. But in my neighborhood where I teach, it's not really that difficult. It's relatively easy to obtain hay. There are a lot of horses up there. Compared to other two-year colleges. There are a lot of people with shotguns. Yeah, pretty much. I'm going to make a call.

Okay. I have to ask one more clarifying question. I usually work from home. I do the Sound of Young America in my apartment. But your horse won't fit in the apartment. Yeah, the horse will not fit in the apartment. I'm wondering, how will this affect me? Would I be required to do, say, my daily errands, work-related activities on a horse?

Would my intern have to ride the horse? No, no, just that at your job now, which is in your house, you wouldn't be going anywhere, but say your next job or Would I be required to provide myself with a stable? Why? Because I am my own employer. He said the employer provides a stable.

Okay. Well, in your case, I don't know if I have the money to maintain a horse right now. There's a cozy place for it in the garage or in the car hold, wherever you keep it. Is it a financial burden is my question. No, it's not a financial burden. Okay, I'm going to make a call. What are you going to call about? Oh, I'm going to answer the question.

Jordan's going to just pick his decision. Oh, we need to know whether or not which one is cheaper. Gas or hay. Well, it sounds like the horse isn't a financial burden. It's as much a burden as gases or oil changes. You're going to have to redo the hooves. Yeah, can we hitch up a buggy?

Can I get a chauffeur? Hell yeah. What kind of a cell phone is it? An iPhone? It's your current cell phone is it? Is it an iPhone? No, it's your current cell phone or iPhone or whatever it is. My current cell phone is really bad. Yeah, we have the same cell phone. It's super shitty.

Yeah. Well, it's just that one, but... I think it probably does this already. Right, that's why I was asking. Okay, I'm ready. All right, Jordan. So either way, either one you pick, you're a weirdo. Right. I'm ready. Okay. So either way, either one you pick, you're a weirdo.

Right. To the people around you. You're either that weirdo with the voice, or you're that weirdo who rides a horse everywhere. At least I don't ride a horse everywhere. Isn't what the breathy guy would say. Given the choice. The horse guy would go, ugh. Yeah. I'd rather be that guy who rides the horse.

It's like, you know, it's like those guys who wear a handlebar mustache or... Yeah. It's just one of those anachronism guys. And I'm, you know, that's fine with me. Granted, I... They're nice outfits. Yeah, very nice. Yeah, boots.

I can't even begin to tell you how interested I am in Jodhpurs. Jodhpurs are pretty awesome. You can probably guess based on the bow tie and tattersall vest I'm wearing at the moment, my interest in Jodhpurs. Gosh. Obviously, my profession is talking into microphones. So I'm a little concerned about

how it would affect my career if I had a weird voice. But it's just on the cell phone. It's just on the cell phone. You make a lot of cell phone calls. I got to talk to people in the world of business, entertainment business, showbiz.

Wouldn't it be kind of exciting if your phone rang and Barry White answered? So, and I find the idea of having a horse in my neighborhood of Koreatown, Los Angeles... It's pretty awesome. ...charming, and I think that probably a lot of the Oaxacan dudes in my neighborhood would be pretty impressed, judging by their hats and belt buckles.

So I am going to go with horse, but mine is actually named Chuckles. Judy, what do you say? I'm really into having the horse. I mean, the boots alone are like it worth it. Yeah. Exactly. So it sounds like...

Everyone loves a boot. Plus, I forgot. I just got a fantastic gaucho costume. Oh, God. You would not believe this gaucho costume my mom has. She bought it at State Sale yesterday. It's pretty spectacular. It's got piping.

The beaver hat is trimmed with gold. Oh, perfect. This is a hell of a gaucho outfit. It was made in 1933. Oh, it's beautiful. If I could look like Dolores Del Rio, any horse would look better. I'd be really wonderful. Jim, what's the answer?

Jim, what is the correct answer? Were we or were we not correct? I guess this one was maybe a little bit too easy. You guys are all correct. Yeah! The real question is, do you have to ride the horse or do you get to ride the horse? Yeah, you said it, Jim. That's why he's the master of Would You Rather,

ladies and gentlemen. Big hand for Jim Rial. Big hand for my mom, Judy. Thanks, Mom. Yeah, sure, go for it. Celebrity mother, Judith Thorne. Man Alive. You know, we've got so much more stuff to do tonight.

A lot of show. It's still to come. So we want to thank, of course, my mom and Jim, the tech staff here. And most of all, I'd like to thank a man who gave 40 years of service to the people of the Bay Area. And to the international community. Isn't that news guy you've been talking about this whole time? And to the international community of mustache Bay Area. And to the international... Isn't that news guy you've been talking about this whole time? And to the international community of mustache wearers,

let's hear it for Jordan Jesse Goh and, of course, Mr. Dennis Richmond. Thank you so much. Thank you. We want to offer our special thanks to our sponsor for this week's show. Yes, a real live sponsor. And I'm sorry Jordan isn't here to say funny things while I say the important stuff. It's a podcast called Ear Candy. You can find it online at EarCandyNewYork.com.

It's an awesome show, talking and music and all kinds of other cool stuff. They have a really amazing website too, which I think is pretty classy. They're about 15 episodes in and they're really starting to find their voice. They're online at EarCandyNewYork.com or of course you can just search for Ear Candy New York in your iTunes directory. At the end of our Monsters of Podcasting show, all of us monsters, both us and our friends in You Look Nice Today, got together to answer questions from the audience. Now, we've been known to be a bit reckless in our question answering, so each of us was assigned another one of us to serve as our media representative, which worked well until someone asked a question for all of us,

and thus all of us had to consult with all of the rest of us, and we started milling around on stage, and I tried to climb up on a table. Here's that audio. Oh, yeah, let's see. Jesse would like everyone to know he's fine Thank you so much for coming everybody Thank you