Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 91: Walking With Dinosaurs

Episode Date: March 2, 2009

Comedian Michelle Biloon joins Jesse and Jordan to talk about the Oscars, the Geek Squad and much more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, Go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, friendly, maggoty, lanky, twiddle, dum, twiddle, Jesse, go a very special JJ go featuring Jordan, Jesse shirt.

And of course the great Michelle balloon, as well as much discussion of the geek squad. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Special guest on today's program, Jordan. Wow, awesome. Isn't this amazing?

It's great to have a special guest. This is a really special opportunity, I would say. It's a special opportunity to have a special guest. I plan to grab this opportunity by the balls. I am not letting this slide away. Carpe diem, that's what I say. If you have a special opportunity, you're making Carpe guest.

Ultimately, what you're looking at is... Did you hear the Latin joke that I made? I thought it was good. Thank you. Michelle Balloon. Michelle Balloon. I don't have balls. You can't seize me by the balls. No, no, no. The metaphorical situation. Sure. I'm in literal mode. Every other hour, literal

whatever, the opposite the opposite well switch to figurative thank you yeah we're here for you jordan was an english major sure you want to talk about synecdoche oh don't make me say that word synecdoche synecdoche is that close yeah yes okay yes so when you refer to something by either a small part of that thing or something with which that thing is associated. Oh, hello. We learned that from Professor, what's his name? Casey Muhammad. Casey Muhammad.

Man, that was a great professor. Absolutely. That was the best professor I've ever had. Michelle Balloon, list of credits. You're a podcaster. You a podcast uh called walking with michelle an infrequently released podcast um that i can only assume uh was titled to capitalize off the popularity of walking with dinosaurs the bbc yes no have you seen walking with dinosaurs no no it's a it's it's a BBC series where they follow the, each episode follows the life of one particular dinosaur.

As it devours other dinosaurs. Sure, and has surprisingly human feelings that they show you with music and looks. That is weirdly similar to my podcast. Yeah? Mm-hmm. Is yours also done in sort of slightly crude, but nonetheless impressive for television computer animation?

It's weird because it's a podcast, but you can't actually see the animation. But you do it. But yes, that's exactly how I do it. Which is why it's so infrequent, probably. It takes a long time. But it's, you know, it's very avant-garde. Oh, that pointless animation. Pointless animation. That's the in parentheses title. Well, you got to deal with rendering time,

for example. You gotta have a render cluster, probably. Computers, that too. Sure. Oh, computers. Absolutely. They're the worst. Oh, man. Well, anyway, I think this is gonna be a fun show, because we have this special guest. I'm feeling great. I feel

vivacious. Sure. You look fantastic, Jordan. Thank you. You got a really good look. You got a nice pair of sneakers on. You got a Dickies shirt. I noticed feeling great. I feel vivacious. Sure. You look fantastic, Jordan. Thank you. You got a really good look. You got a nice pair of sneakers on. You got a Dickies shirt. I noticed your sneakers are nice. Yeah, thanks.

You got nice ankles, Jordan. They're like real nice and slender. Thank you. Jordan's wearing an ankle sock so you can see his ankles. I've often been, I mean, not to undress on the podcast, I've also been told I have kind of nice calves. You have really cute, probably cute little legs. Thanks.

You would prefer lovely. Lovely legs. Yeah, you are. You're sort of like a bathing beauty type. Thank you. A lot of people don't know that about Jordan because it's an audio only format. There's things that happen. Yeah, he's very shapely.

Cherubic. What did you say? Cherubic, I've heard. I would not deny that. Like a living Yadro figurine. This is a guy who for years would go down to the YMCA for a little shapening. Sure. You know what I mean?

A swim, a lap swim, for example. To keep it all tip top? Yeah, just keep it tight i mean i'm not looking to bulk up i'm not looking for to you know but i just want to get cut like kind of nice and cut you're achieving that thank you jordan's i would say cut i would say ripped oh yeah i mean i'm not again i'm not going for mass but wouldn't you say Jordan's kind of ripped? You know, it's somewhere between cut and ripped. In between? Yeah, cripped.

Yeah, you are really cripped. That doesn't sound weird. I mean, that's not correct. I've always felt like you were really cripped out. You know? Yeah. I mean, between your muscles and, of course, the seawalking that you do. Sure.

And Tales from the Crypt. Yes. I've rented a few of those dvds absolutely so at the end of the day i love horror puns what we're looking at is is a sort of you're a sort of a tookie williams like figure i would say i wouldn't doesn't that seem fair um okay wait he is a member of the gang the crypts yo he's a he was a famous gang member a famous gang member on that one people who uh was on death row, had a religious conversion. And they tried to save him.

Did they save him? They did not save him, no. He was a terrifying man also. Enormous. Didn't he make some coloring books or something? Yeah, he made a long line of coloring books. He was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize by a Swiss person. You know, one of the things about being nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize by a Swiss person. You know, one of the things about being nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize is I think a lot of people get nominated for it.

All you have to do is kind of like have somebody who's on the nominating committee and is kind of pissed off about something and want to make a point. Like I think the Swiss guy was pissed off at just the general. He just pissed at the United States. So he figured he would nominate somebody who was on death row in the united states it makes me want to just dump my whole life plan and go somehow befriend someone just make a play for a nobel peace prize nomination yeah oh this whole time you've been trying you've been working on like oh i can get a deal. I can get a really good writing gig. Yeah, I've been like choosing Hollywood type. Yeah, I can get another like a special.

You should have been shooting for a Nobel Peace Prize. That's all. Just think of that. Like nominated for a Nobel. I mean, listen, if there's any Nobel Peace Prize nomination, whatever, people out there. Let me just make my plea. There are. I can almost guarantee there's at least a few.

Okay. If you really want to piss somebody off okay right i'm the one you should be nominating absolutely rattle some cages we're talking to you that's the most audacious thing you can do if there's somebody right now in in putin's russia yes just really wants to stick it to the states you know what i mean and me me yeah michelle balloon to the States. You know what I mean? Me, me, me. Yeah, Michelle Balloon's the person to nominate. Why?

Well, because she brings light to a dark nation. Uh-huh. How about that? I complain about my government, too. Come on. Yes. I mean, just think, like, when you're touring with your stand-up comedy, too. What a credit. Yeah, I mean, you're playing Rooster T. Fe playing rooster tea feathers in Sunnyvale cockadoodle do on the

poster, Michelle balloon, you know, in parentheses, Jimmy Kimmel, Nobel peace, Nobel peace prize. I can,

I go cause I just, I'm rethinking my life. You know what? I might as well, I might as well write you a check for $10 million right now because that's what you're going to be earning once you've been nominated for this Nobel Peace Prize. That's awesome. This is spectacular. Jordan, this is the first Nobel Peace Prize

nominee we've ever had on the show. I know, exactly. There was that one time that Desmond Tutu called in. That's true. We did have a call in from Desmond Tutu. It's more exciting when they're live. I know. I'm like for the peoplemond Tutu, but... Whatever. It's more exciting when they're alive. I know. You're here.

I'm like for the people. Mm-hmm. You know? Tutu's a hack. That guy's a hack. What's a peace and reconciliation my ass? Whatever. How about peace and suck this?

Mm-hmm. Ouch, man. You guys aren't pulling any punches. That's what I say to Desmond Tutu. The reverend... Suck at that. The man was nice enough to call in, Jesse. Now you're slamming him. He was just plugging his fucking TV show, Jordan.

Yeah, the Toots. He's on a radio show. Toots and the Fat Man. Hanging with the Toots. Oh, gosh. Well, we have a lot of fun stuff planned for you. And by a lot of fun stuff planned, I mean we have not planned anything. Yeah, I was like, was I supposed to plan something?

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Michelle Balloon, ready to please. Bingo, bango. She's ready with a nickname. She's ready to build our castle of dreams. It's not one of these bullshit passive nicknames either.

No, not me. This is a home run nickname. She's taking home run cuts. Trying to tell people I'm dynamic. She's stepping up to the plate and taking a big swing. Yeah, it's in my strike zone. This isn't some Wade Boggs, Tony Gwynn bullshit. This is serious.

I'm in my batter's box. She's taking a big cut. Got my knees bent, my elbow out. Sure. She's swinging for the fences. It's a real baseball thing, you know? Steve Balboni style. A real baseball thing. Stepping into it. thing, you know? Steve Balboni style. A real baseball thing.

Stepping into it. Yeah, you got it. You're on board. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Jordan, I participated in American popular culture recently. How'd that go? I'm going to give it a B minus.

What? Did you watch a Rock of Love marathon? I watched the Oscars, the Oscar telecast. I've got this. It's very exciting for me. Michelle, you don't know this about me, but I didn't have, I've always had a television, but I didn't have live television. I didn't have cable and I couldn't get any channels on my rabbit ears inside this apartment.

And so I would watch television, but only things that I downloaded, which meant, you know, nothing live because it's boring to watch it later. And I recently got one of these new flat screen televisions for Christmas. I plugged in my bunny ears to it. And thanks to digital television, everything look every channel looks spectacular. You have cable. It's unbelievable. It's better than cable.

It goes on and on about this. It looks so spectacular. So I'm interested. I'm like, I can't. Well, number one, I can't wait for football season to start back up because I can watch football every weekend. But number two, I watch the Oscars on television in HD. You just said HD in a really weird way. HD.

That's how I would say it if I was a combination of an American and an Irishman. Or if for some reason you have a new television that Anne Heche had a hand in creating that sounds like a good business what is Anne Heche up to these days? she's doing branded broadcast technologies so it's right in her wheelhouse the Heche pod

so I watched that Oscar telecast So it's right in her wheelhouse. The H-pod. Yeah, exactly. So I watched the Oscar telecast. The wife wanted to watch it. And I have a hard time watching the Oscars because usually when I watch the Oscars, something like this happens. Okay. The Chris Rock Oscars, just as an example. I watched these Oscars.

Chris Rock made a perfectly reasonable joke. This joke was, do you remember the joke I'm talking about? It was about Jude Law. Oh, sure. Yes, I remember this, but I'll let you relate it. The joke was that, this was three years ago, Jude Law was in every movie. He literally had been in like seven movies that year um and by the way i'm ready for him to be in movies i know what's that about i like i know

movies he like did them all and now where where is he sequels to those movies where's jude law i think you know what i think jude sky captain in the world of tomorrow too jude law would make a good replacement for rutger hauer if they did a remake of Blade Runner. What do you think of that? He would. Because he has that weird kind of like... He was a robot in the in AI. Yeah, that's what he was great in that. So you want him to just keep playing robots. Because he's so creepy. Sure.

Like he's an amazing combination of like magnetic and also weirdly distancing. Charming. He's charming. He's got a lot of that Brit charm. He does. He's a beautiful man. Michelle, let me ask you this. Wait, Jordan, I'm trying to tell a story. Charming. He's charming. He's got a lot of that Brit charm. He does. He's a beautiful man, too. Michelle, let me ask you this. Wait, Jordan, I'm trying to tell a story. The joke.

Hold on. I want to talk about just a couple more Jude Law things. A couple more Jude Law things. I do, too. We can talk about Jude Law. The joke is about Jude Law, Jordan. Well, I want to... While we're talking about the career trajectory of Jude Law... Okay. I don't want to... Okay.

I'm ready to answer your question. Jude Law, the year Chris Rock told that joke, was in every movie. Yes. Now he is in no movies. In between, in the interim,

he had that scandal where he cheated on his beautiful wife with the nanny. Do you think the reason people have stopped putting him in movies is because of this no do you think he just is not a sex symbol anymore because he's a a cad i don't think people have stopped putting him in movies i have a feeling he's stopped putting himself in movies no jula makes his own decisions right even if no one wants to see the

movie he'll he'll kick his way into it. Maybe he's in some huge movie. Sometimes they do movies and then they don't come out. They have to do CGI for 10 years before it. Yeah, maybe he's in some kind of Jurassic Park movie. With regard to the Oscars, Chris Rock made a joke. I can't wait. Who is this?

You fucking people. I'm just saying number one is it tougher to buy you're a guest in my house is it tougher to buy jude law as a romantic lead because you always just in the back of your mind see that story where he's cheating on his no because i don't care i don't care about that okay well i want to hear this joke i want to hear this joke because because i feel that once we get past the joke We can actually talk about the Oscars Which I'm really looking forward to If I was a woman I would want Jude Law to cheat on his wife with me

Oh yeah, maybe that makes it more appealing I would love If I like dudes I would totally do it with Jude Law In a second I think he's a handsome man Not as dynamic as say a Clive Owen If you've gotten that I always think it's a handsome man not as dynamic as say a pli voan if you've gotten that

i always think it's like when people have gotten that far then maybe you are attracted to dudes yeah yeah well then how do you explain george clooney i don't think there's a man in the universe who wouldn't do it with george clooney if he wasn't into dudes like if you could ask the most homophobic bro in the world if you you were into dudes, would you do it with George Clooney? He would be like, yeah, bro. Jordan, would you do it with George Clooney? If you were into dudes. Yeah.

What kind of, well, okay, I definitely want to spend a lot of time with George Clooney. Okay. When it comes to the sex act, what sex acts are we performing on each other um you might even be a lady oh okay oh yeah totally yeah see there you go okay so a beautiful lady with a velvety slip look at those gams um the gams on jordan chris rock made some allusion in his opening monologue to who is Jude Law and why is he in every single movie? Because Jude Law had come out of nowhere and was in every single movie. He did not say this, you know, as a put-down.

No, this was just an observation like, huh? What happened? And Sean Penn came out. Oh, I remember this now. Like 45 minutes later. Seriously, 45. To present an award. And he came out to present his award with the envelope in his hand.

Buzzkill. And then he just went to answer Chris Rock's question. Jude Law is one of our finest actors and that to me is like the perfect encapsulation of just the kind of like self-serious quality of the oscars that i just don't think you can have when you're giving the awards to like fucking you know just whatever movie harvey weinstein tells you to like you it's okay to have that like i think it's okay to be that serious about the craft of making movies or the craft of acting but not in the context of the oscars which is just basically an award ceremony for like what's the most prestigious b quality film? Yeah. You know what I mean? Like what's the shiniest.

So anyway, that's that, that in my past has been my experience with the Oscars and my favorite Oscars are always the Letterman Oscars. Yes. Letterman Oscars, man. I,

I, I was surprised to learn, like, I don't know. I don't know what, how old we all were when the Letterman Oscars were maybe like 11 or 12 or something, but to learn older, huh? I don't, how old we all were when the Letterman Oscars were. Maybe like 11 or 12 or something. But to learn... I'm older.

Huh? How old are you? 26. Okay, yeah, I'm 32. Okay. Anyways, the Letterman Oscars were great. And I was surprised to learn years later that it was considered a debacle. I'm like, no, that was the funniest thing in the world.

I was like, that was the greatest Oscars in history. What are you talking about? That was the... Gold standard. That was the time I was the greatest oscars in history what are you talking about that was the gold standard that was the time i liked the oscars it was such like a big fuck you to oscars i just he just did david letterman shit oh it was so great like and i was really in the letterman at the time like i was i was in college when that when the oscar time i remember i was a freshman in college and i never missed a letterman ever and like if i ever for some reason wasn't in my dorm room my roommate would tape it because he's the great genius of our times oh i love him there's no doubt about it but for some reason hollywood seems to think that david letterman was a failure yeah i i would Yeah. I would love it if there was some sort of way to why.

I feel like I've looked online to try and watch it, and I can't re-watch it to re-evaluate. So what you end up with is you get these kind of Billy Crystals. You either get Billy Crystal or you get somebody who they think maybe is cool, but then anytime they do anything that is the thing that they do, everyone gets upset. Sure. So Chris, I think Chris Rock and Jon Stewart are perfect examples of them being like,

we need to hire someone cool. We need to hire someone cool. And then just hiring someone and then hating everything. Just having them say Bruce Valance jokes. Yeah. Hugh Jackman, it seemed like such a horrible idea, but I do have to say i do have to

say that that surprisingly enough his opening musical number was pretty funny i hated it really i could not have hated it i didn't think he was that good a singer i kind of thought it was cute i was shocked by how bad a singer he was are you kidding i was shocked by how entertaining it was the the whole thing. And I guess I didn't really notice about the level of his singing ability. I felt like it started with a premise

and then they just kept turning the premise on and off in it. Sometimes the first two bits are like, oh, I put this all together on cardboard and then there would be

a really elaborate thing and I'd be like, wait, but I thought just a second ago the premise of this was that everything was made of cardboard that was why it was supposed to be funny i guess maybe i was going into it thinking this is the stupidest bullshit i'm gonna have to watch and then i was like oh that was kind of funny i was very entertained by this and then when it got to the reader when you say have to watch you you you you work for the E! Entertainment television. I did, but by the time...

No, I did watch that at work. I do work for... Right now, I work for E! Entertainment television. That's E! Exclamation mark. E! Exclamation. I always write it that way. And I was finishing up my job, so I watched probably the first hour at work. Because we mostly care about the red carpet.

Because that's the important part. You hello but um but yeah i loved it i loved the hugh jackman thing and i was on twitter with all my twitter pals and surprisingly enough some of our favorite people also were very entertained by it i i was shocked by that you know i walking down i walking down the street just the other day, walking my dog. I heard our friends Jimmy Pardo and Matt Belknap on Never Not Funny defending this thing. Now, Jimmy Pardo's gay for musicals. So that's somewhat, but you know, Matt Belknap's usually a reasonable man. I thought it was horrible.

Yeah, I think you're in the minority. I thought... The rest of the Oscars were... I don't even know where Hugh Jackman was for the rest of the Oscars. Well, yeah. He managed to find a way to do something even worse than the introduction halfway through when he just sang like... There was this kind of like crazy, super shaky setup, which was him saying the musical is back.

Oh, that was the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. Because there was a musical? And it was so slick. It wasn't that there was no humor attached to it. It was like, the musical is back. Like, we don't, this isn't the Tonys. Like, we don't care. It's not back because everything you just showed me makes me hate the musicals even more.

It was awful. It was things from the 50s. It was over the top. even more it was awful it was you know i 50s i over the top like it was and it's a man i quit with medleys god i hate medleys i'm gonna i'm gonna i want to make this point and i don't mean to be offensive okay and and this is just but if it weren't for the jews controlling the world's banks thank you we wouldn't have to deal with Mr. Hugh Jackman. The director of the Oscars this year was Bill Condon. Every year. Is he every year?

I thought he was new. Bill Condon? I think he's every year. Well, anyways, he was the director this year. He's, you know, a middle-aged Hollywood gay guy. Right. Who makes some very good movies. I'm not calling into question his filmmaking ability, which is... What is a Bill Condon movie?

Kinsey. Oh, I loved Kinsey. It's a great movie. And Dreamgirls, which I didn't see. I did not see Dreamgirls. Anyways, every year they kind of complain. It seems like the story around the oscars every year can i say something about dream girls you may with regard to the oscars yes uh was it weird to you guys in

i think it was the opening number maybe it was the middle number where hugh jackman was singing somewhat poorly he's actually a very good dancer i was impressed by he was a very good dancer but his his singing was just talk singing it sounds like he was in a high school it was really rex harrison and was it weird that he was sort of singing sort of b minus c plus uh and beyonce came in and lip synced yeah like he seemed to be actually seemed like she was oh but she was definitely one thing i guess i didn't even notice but it was just like the hugh jackman was like nowhere in any league near beyonce like i just thought it was a really weird matchup to put hugh jackman and beyonce It's like Hugh Jackman was like nowhere in any league near Beyonce. Like I just thought it was a really weird matchup to put Hugh Jackman and Beyonce. Well, it's because Beyonce is hot.

Hugh Jackman is male hot. I don't think anyone. Does anyone care about Hugh Jackman? I like him when he's all like razor fingered up in the Wolverine. Sure. But like not lately. Not with his weird jumping on Barbara Walters dancing. What did he do when he jumped on Barbara Walters?

Everything he's done. That's called carpe opportunity, my friend. Didn't you see that in that little Barbara Walters? Well, here it's post-show. Okay. They appreciate it. Post-show. I just saw clips of it because they've been playing it everywhere.

But, like, that he, like, jumped on Barbara walters and started giving her a lap dance wow okay wait so you were saying about bill condon sure yes anyways so every year the story about the oscars is you know no fewer and fewer people are watching ratings are down because and kind of always the theory is that it doesn't connect to middle america because you know they're not nominating the movies that people see and you know it just seems like this big you know hollywood liberal elite thing with hoity-toity movies that nobody sees and then but it seems like this year they just said fuck it and like let's let a bunch of gay guys do some gay guy stuff. The musical is back. No, it's not. Gay guys.

Did you guys see this? Here in Los Angeles, there's that time zone thing about what shows where. But there was like a pre-Oscar show that came maybe even before they showed the red carpet. But it was like a behind the scenes thing. And this guy was talking about the music. He was the music behind the scenes thing. Yeah. And this guy was talking about the music. He was the music director for this thing. And he's like,

we're going to take classic film scores that everyone knows and give them a crazy twist. And the guy was like, we're going to do, you know, the theme from, uh, unforgiven as a Roomba. And like,

I just wanted to sock him in the face. As a little robot vacuum. Yeah, exactly. that's weird from i mean i like if it is a hollywood liberal like that's fine like that's great i'm all for it but but please don't have this story come out in the newspaper the next day where it's like why aren't people watching it's the whole thing and i was watching about that too and like i can't remember i read like an article i can't remember where i heard this information but someone talking about the new format of the show there's gonna be a

narrative and like there's gonna be the story this whole way through and like shut up like it's so and then also another way they changed it is what was the narrative the narrative is like oh and then they're making a movie okay now we have to cast and now we have to do the sound effect oh and then they like then now we're backstage now then they do now we have to get the movie and then it's like that's when they give out the awards for best actor or whatever then now we have to do post it's really stupid and then the other thing was is that instead of doing the songs um the the not the nominated songs like usually it's like that's why that's why they closed out the that's why they closed out the whole thing with the biggest award of all best color correction yeah i found some holes in your idea sir but you know best dvd box art

wait i was just at the dollar store i swear to God that one of the things that was on sale was a huge pile of special edition DVDs of Reservoir Dogs that came with six Reservoir Dogs themed shot glasses. But where the Reservoir Dogs DVD was, there was like a direct to DVD video about behind the scenes at Death Row Records. Weird. about behind the scenes at Death Row Records. Weird. Isn't that like the whole packaging of this Reservoir Dogs special box set with this special? They're just like, oh, there's a DVD slot. We've got to stick something in there.

Sure. How much was it? It was 99 cents. Why didn't you get a bunch of them? I don't know. It was too weird. Yeah, you're an idiot. That's awesome.

That'd be fine. I don't go to the 99 cents. I'm so dumb. I could have produced the Oscars. Yeah, I am. That's awesome. That'd be fine. I don't go into 99 cents. I'm so dumb I could have produced the Oscars. Yeah. Anyway, do we have any opinions about the movies that won? No, wait. I have more opinions about the actual Oscars themselves.

Oh, okay. Because I think it's important to discuss this part of the Oscars where there's like a game show style tribunal where five people appear from rays of light towards the center of the stage. I think it was Paula Tompkins was on Twitter said referred to it as the intervention style of giving out the award. It was weird. But like really like I understand that this is an event the theme of which is self-congratulation.

But not only the just kind of general jizz on each other's faciness of it, but also the weird, like, the very old people who seem to have a hard time keeping it together. Oh, yeah. Your Sophia Lorenz. Yeah, Sophia Lorenz can barely say words. Your Shirley MacLaine. And what does Sophia Lorenz care about, whoever she was giving a tribute? She clearly did not. It's like, I don't like it when people get so old and have done so much plastic surgery.

I don't know. How old is she? Like, 90? Yes. Up there. She's super old. old and i've done so much plastic surgery like i don't know how old is she like 90 like yes she's super old but yet she's giving trying to give off this appearance that she's like 70 i don't know like still old but shiny sure and taut yeah yeah the tautness it's creepy it's like i don't know how to talk to you do i have do i talk to you like you know like a middle-aged lady or do i talk to you like my grandmother in a

hospice like you know sophie lorraine is just in hospice all the time despite the fact she has no she has no illnesses she's just too terrifying she should have stopped at the grumpy old men movies when we were still like she is a pretty good she looks good she's old and she's gorgeous and now it's like, give it up. Give it up, walking skeleton. You know what? If I become super famous and then feel I have to keep my appearance up, I would never want to do that because then you never get those years of people being super nice to you because you're an old person.

Yeah. You know? That's true. They just kind of turn away. They don't know what to do. They get confused, you know? You know who I was really happy to see on the stage of the Oscars? Cuba Gooding Jr.?

As a matter of my just personal interests and habits, I rarely have seen very many of the movies that have been nominated for Oscars. If I've seen movies that are nominated for Oscars, it's usually movies that have been nominated for best screenplay or best director where they stick the good movies um but i i did see uh slumdog millionaire in the theater i enjoyed it and didn't feel bad about it winning the oscar it was relative to other movies that win the oscar for best picture i was very happy you're saying it's as good as gladiator yeah god i really didn't like gladiator so they the best part for me was him winning the award and everyone was so

excited about all the kids being on the stage with him and everything the thing that i really liked was my favorite guy in that movie was the host of the indian version of who wants did you see slum i haven't uh have you seen it michelle the host of the indian yeah exactly the guy who goes who wants to be a millionaire like to me that is my that is my greatest moment in cinema 2008 who wants to be a millionaire my uh favorite moment in cinema 2008 did you guys see the wrestler yes i? Yes. I didn't see The Wrestler yet. There's a part where The Wrestler is being very sad because he's, you know, he's... He's got sad things going on.

Sure, right. And he peeks his head out of his trailer and yells at one of the neighborhood kids. He's like, hey, Billy, you want to come in and play Nintendo? Yeah. Come on, that's the greatest. That is pretty high quality. I wasn't nuts about that movie, but that part, there should be a Best Part award in the Oscars.

I just read on the internet, he plays a wrestling video game that they built from the ground up. Oh, really? Wow, I didn't know that. An entire video game. Yeah, exactly. I thought that was kind of amazing. It's like back in the 8-bit era. Oh, really? Wow, I didn't know that. The entire video game. Yeah, exactly. I thought that was kind of amazing. It's like back in the 8-bit era. Yeah, yeah.

I wonder what it's like to, like, at this point, is it now, like, a hobby? Like, are people out there making 8-bit, you know, video games? Yeah, yeah. Some hobby video gamers? Sure. There's, you can, like, download a lot of games now. Kind of for, like, five bucks, download a game. And that's kind of games now Kind of for like Five bucks Download a game And that's kind of the thing

Is the retro style The ROMs Sure yeah Sure you're talking about You're talking about ROMs Some emulation Absolutely Um

Uh Shit I had something in my mind It's gone Something about the host And about the greatest moment In cinema You still have more things

To say about the Are we still Yeah right Millionaire Are we still locked in To talking about the Oscars? No, you don't... You can... You wanna...

I want... I'm just... I wanted to ask Michelle about this. I have some more thoughts about Jude Law, but... I hate to derail things. Michelle, you work on the E! Entertainment Television. They do the red carpet. Yes.

I work for the website, to clarify. Yeah, so you... But you work for their conglomerate. Yeah, Comcast Entertainment Group. You go to the office there at 5400 Wilshire? I do. I'm across the street in the Museum Square building.

Sure, you bet. I want to know if you're a dude and you're going to the Oscars, why can't you just wear a fucking tuxedo? Because it's a black tie event. Why do you have to wear a fucking long, you're wearing like a suit like you look like you're an undertaker maybe? Or you're wearing a weird like white polyester thing that you borrowed from somebody's somebody's uh prom in uh like an inner city

prom type situation um you know like an inner city went to hollywood suit outlet and picked up a little yeah like what what are they where i i i'm i'm a big fan of a classic tux on a guy i don't understand yeah and you know what? Here's my feeling about it. This is Los Angeles. If you want to wear a white dinner jacket, I'm fine with that as well. You know what I mean? But keep it real. Yeah.

It's a black tie. Yeah. Don't sully it up. I feel very strongly about this, Jordan. I know you have strong feelings about this too, Jordan. Yeah. Do you guys look nice in a tux? I bet you do. I look great in a tux. How about you, Jordan. I know you have strong feelings about this, too, Jordan. Yeah. Do you guys look nice in a tux? I bet you do.

I look great in a tux. How about you, Jordan? Oh, God. Oh, when's the last time I wore a tux? What, you're always at all these events and stuff? You don't put on a tux? Yeah, I don't. Yeah, it's usually like a man-baby outfit or something.

Yeah. I don't know if you're familiar with my work, Michelle. You dress maybe as a riverboat gambler. I guess I have seen a couple of your pieces, and you have been dressed. Sure, as a man, baby. Yeah, no, I have not. You've just got a blue baby bonnet and a cigar. Sure.

Yeah, in a racing form. Yeah, no, it's been a while since I've worn a tux. I mean, I guess I was in Jesse's wedding, but the groom since i've worn a tux uh i i mean i guess i was in jesse's wedding but we didn't uh the the groomsmen did not wear tux well it was not an evening event that's bizarre though i'm not yelling at you i'm just saying i didn't wear a tux i don't know why you took offense to that you're very sensitive today i'm not taking offense i'm not taking offense to anything you said okay i'm clarifying for the public who's out there listening evening events there's only three of us here.

But there are literally more than, you know, we have a four or five figure audience out there listening. And I want them to know that, from time to time, that I would not have tuxedos at my wedding because it happened in the afternoon. And tuxedos are an evening garment. I like it. I like it. But everyone dressed up accordingly. They're for dinner. You know so you wear we wore lounge suits. We could have worn of course we could have worn day formal. I see a wedding picture right there right? That's that. Oh that was an engagement picture. I wouldn't wear corduroy to my wedding that's a little too casual. I'm not close enough. I'm not close enough to see what it was. That's a corduroy.

We'll have to look at some wedding pictures. Yeah, sure. We'll look at some wedding pictures, and we'll come back in just a minute. What are you thinking? I say we look at them on air. Right? Come on. Let's include the audience in this purely visual exercise.

Okay. You got anything you want to say about Jude Law? I'll talk about it later. Okay. I'll just interrupt another topic. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. It's Jordan, Jessica.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Michelle Balloon, la, la, la. It's Jordan Jessy. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Michelle Balloon, ready to please. Nice. That was good. That was really good work, Michelle. Hey, you're welcome in my house anytime, Michelle. Ah, yay.

It's a pleasure to have you here. Thank you. Jordan, did you know that this is a very special week in Jordan Jessy Go history? I did after you tell it to me. Why? That was a thing. That's for your brains to put together. Uh-huh. We like each of our promotional spots

to be a little puzzle. You know, if they get it too easy. Advertising works best when it's hard to figure out what they're saying. Yeah. The reason that this week is a special week in Jordan Jesse Go history, Jordan, is because we've been doing this show

for about two years now. Have we? Yeah, and that's not why it's special, but we have been doing this show for about two years now. And for most of that two years, we have had listeners begging us for a T-shirt. Now, T-shirts are expensive to make t-shirts are

inconvenient to mail out uh t-shirts are relatively low profit endeavor uh t-shirts are a hassle all around so we've never made a t-shirt sure we have a standard sound of young america t-shirt you can get i don't want to i've got one closet full of Sound of Young America t-shirts. I don't want more closets full of Jordan Jesse Go t-shirts. That's why this week is a special week. Because this is the week of Jordan Jesse shirt. Instead of Go. Yeah. You've replaced Go with shirt.

And just one shirt. So, just one. Jordan Jesse a shirt. Yeah. We just, we're going to make one shirt. We're just going to draw it on a white, plain white t-shirt with permanent markers like a high school punk rocker. And then we're going to put it on eBay and auction it off. There we go.

We have a beautiful t-shirt. $10,000. Spectacularly beautiful. I just won. You know you have to click and type it in and stuff on eBay. You can't just say it. I work on the internet. It's all looped into my iPhone.

You've been wondering. You just yell a number at the iPhone. I say, at the right tone, $10,000. You actually got the auction paddle iPhone accessory. So this is a beautiful t-shirt, Jordan. It will be available for one week and one week only. Wow. Here's how it works.

Between today, Monday, the day that this podcast goes live, and Monday, the 9th of March, it will be on sale on MaximumFun.org. It's $19 plus, I believe it's $4 for shipping and handling. You buy this shirt. Then we print it up and mail it to you. It's an order on demand, print on demand, available one week only, and that's it. Wow.

You have a week. Who are we? The band Explosions in the Sky with our limited edition t-shirts? But what if people get your podcast and then don't listen to it for a week? Fuck them. Fuck them. They're fucked. Yeah.

Got to listen to it. What about those people? Out of luck. They should be following the Twitter. What about if they have this thing where they're like, okay, this is our thing. Like we wait until a week and a day after each podcast and we all get together and we all have a big party and we're their biggest fans. And those are the people aren't allowed to.

That's what you think our listeners are doing? I'm saying a certain segment. Have you been to one of these parties? A certain segment. I'm imagining. Have you been to one of these parties? I organize segment. Have you been to one of these parties? I organize them. Can we go to these parties?

Are there chicks there? You're talking to one. Sweet. Yeah. Nice. Yeah. I said chicks, but it turns out there's premium chicks there. Premium chicks.

So here's what people want to do. If they want one of these Jordan Jesse Go t-shirts and people are apeshit for them I posted a preview on Twitter and people are bonkers for this design it's a very beautiful shirt you go to the maximumfund.org click on it, buy it

you'll get it in once it's printed and mailed out to you so it sort of depends on the vicissitudes of the United States Postal Service but you're looking at a typical mail order four to six weeks type situation. But this is your opportunity. There's a seven-day window. It's now or never, do it or don't, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And there's one other thing that's really neat about these shirts, Jordan.

It's a catch. Would you call this a catch? Oh, absolutely. You got to catch this or else the fish is out of the barrel. Got it. You you call this a catch? Oh, absolutely. You got to catch this or else the fish is out of the barrel. Got it. You know that old expression? No, I don't.

The fish is harder to shoot because it jumped out of the barrel. Yeah, absolutely. The, what's really nice about these t-shirts, we usually print them on American Apparel t-shirts, which is a,

Comfy shirts. Which is a quality shirt. There's no doubt about it. This is a quality shirt. I like an American Apparel shirt. It's definitely much better than the usual blank you know haynes beefy tees okay you won't get any disagreement from me there i won't bad mouth the american apparel i've switched i've switched brands for this shirt i've kicked it up a notch wow one notch huh the alternative apparel t-shirt is as much better than an american apparel t-shirt as an American apparel t-shirt is better than a Hanes P.

Really? It's a bold statement. This is the best plain t-shirt available. This is the kind of t-shirt that you would buy from a fashion brand. Fred Siegel. Yeah, where you're paying 50 bucks for a plain color t-shirt. Is it thin and soft?

It's thin, soft. It's stretchy, but it's all cotton, so it won't pale. It's softer than an American apparel. It's a little tiny bit shorter in length than an American apparel. Summer shirts can get a little long. Well, all of the American apparel shirts can be quite long um and you know that's not really a problem for me and neither of these but for some people they wish they were a little bit

shorter they're also a lot more consistent american apparel shirts in terms of sizing are all over the place uh very inconsistent but this is like the best the moral of the story is this isn't just a t-shirt this is a premium t-shirt how'd you hear about these shirts you know i got a promo t-shirt uh for something in the mail and it was printed and i and i would didn't care about the thing that the promo t-shirt was for but i liked the t-shirt so much that i was like sleeping in it and like wearing it around the house and just like, I like wanted to marry it. Like as soon as it appeared,

you're wearing it all day, every day, all night. Yeah. It was one of those things. I like reached into the box to throw it away. And then I felt it. I'm like,

damn, I'm going to put on this. How come we don't have, how come you didn't bring it here for us to feel and react to? Well, sorry. I would have been more active because we're printing them to order and nobody's ordered them.

No, but the shirt that you have, that's made of this material. Well, fine. I been more active. It's because we're printing them to order and nobody's ordered them yet. No, but the shirt that you have that's made of this material. Well, fine, I will after we conclude this segment and then you guys can talk about how amazing it is. Is it a promotional shirt for the DVD release of Death Race Remake? Yeah, it was. That's a good point.

So anyway, you can go to our website at MaximumFun.org. There will be a pinned topic right at the top of the show's forum on our forum. It'll be on our blog and I'll put it on our homepage as well. But they're $19,

$4 shipping and handling. It's a super premium t-shirt, but the most important thing is you've only got a week to order it. So we're going to send out messages across all media,

but your week is do or die and the net proceeds will go to support Jesse and Jordan that charitable foundation yeah well you know it's half for half for Giorno half for Jesse you know that's how we roll here at Jordan Jesse go and it's a quality product and a lovely t-shirt did I mention it's beautiful yeah this thing's lovely we'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessie Go. It's Jordan and Jessie Go.

I am Jessie Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Michelle Balloon. I'm not going to do a nickname. That's a fucking... What the fuck?

No, you have your own. You have your one that you do every time. You don't need to get a new nickname every segment. Really? Yeah. Okay, your one that you do every time. You don't need to get a new nickname every segment. Really? Yeah. Okay, fine.

Let's do it again. You start, Jesse. Okay, it's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweeter. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Michelle Balloon, ready to please. I don't know. No, I liked that.

I thought she did a very good job. Jordan, stop. Wipe that puss off your face. Michelle Balloon, ready to please. Hey. Yeah, there we go. Now we're cooking. I found it.

I found my moxie. Yeah, absolutely. Where was it? Found your hidden moxie pocket. Uh-huh. Oh, boy. Because it's tough to get in California. Sounds like a feminine product.

Moxie pocket. Moxie pocket sounds like a feminine product to you. Yeah. That's just what I call a vagina. Moxie pocket. Bam. I tagged her right in the moxie pocket. We were just talking about vaginas

before we came back on air. Yeah. That's worth sharing, I feel like. What was our conclusion about vaginas? We were discussing that if you were going to go male to female and you were going to go have that operation... The context for this.

The context, yeah. I have a massager. Go back even further. You know, I get the migraine headaches and they cause my neck to get like solid as a rock. So I got one of these massagers like that. And it's got three weird, it's got a knob on top for grabbing onto

and it's got three massaging bulbs on the bottom. So it's a perfect um masturbatory tool but only if you have three vaginas exactly or a trigina precisely so back to where we were you're getting your operation male to female it's like why just go for the standard vagina mix it up a little you know up a notch become a freak yeah exactly get a try gina why not like they're just moving stuff around like why do they have to go with the standard hey and if you're going uh if you're going f to m why not get a barbed cat penis exactly or a giant duck dick it's like a brain thrust in here yeah out of mutilating surgery get a get a dong bone like a whale

yep a dong bone yeah they got a bone in there do they yeah right there in their dork no that is you are bringing a lot of it you're bringing it yeah you're like referencing it up i'm up to the i'm stepping up to the plate and i'm swinging the swinging for the fences speaking of which we we got an email from a listener this week he asked me what my favorite batting stance is god phil plantier of the boston red sox former red sox slugger phil plantier anyway let's go let's continue uh we covered trigina right yeah yes i dorked it up a little bit there. Sure. Here's what I was going to talk about.

I'm a dork dork, I would say. Fine. My laptop froze up this week. Right. I have an Acer laptop. Sure, Acer. That's premium. That's a good brand, huh?

That's premium quality. Yeah, and I froze up, didn't know what to do with it. I called the tech support in my, you know, they were not, you know, polite but not helpful. Polite but totally unhelpful. And I got it at Best Buy, so I had to take it to the geek squad at Best Buy, which is Best Buy's computer repair department. It's called the Geek Squad. And kind of the advertising for the Geek Squad is branded.

They've got costumes. They've got costumes. Yeah. Well, yeah. The advertising is, you know, kind of you're a bunch of kind of young Ira Glass looking characters and maybe some, you know, some very Silver Lake looking girls. And, you know, they're kind of zooming around in a little, in a VW bug. And, you know, fixing everybody's computers.

The world's hippest version of one of the nerds from Revenge of the Nerds. Sure, yeah. They're like... The apotheosis of geek chic. Right. Absolutely. Anyways, my experience with the actual Geek Squad, not the case. I've never been there.

I'm excited to hear this. These were guys who probably have a large collection of ticket stubs to something called Motocross Madness. Wow. I wasn't expecting that. I was expecting maybe dragon con no no no no these guys you would think from the commercials right right it would be like you're fun you would just assume that it would be like the commercial but fatter right yeah yeah maybe not as pretty no these were uh these were these were big, angry guys who had their shirts tucked into dickies with no belts.

Oh. Yeah, they probably... They weren't hipsters. No, no, no. These were guys who look like maybe breaking bottles is fun. Who have passed a large amount of time breaking bottles. Like in a parking lot somewhere. Maybe shooting at them with a BB gun?

Yeah, yeah. They're bullies. They're the bully squad. I know. I mean, I don't know whether you can just get this job or if you have to have a certain amount of computer knowledge. You know what I bet happens? You just apply for a job at Best Buy,

and they just put you on the geek squad. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, yeah. So it's definitely not as advertised, Best Buy. Yeah. And they just put you on the Geek Squad. Yeah, you just, that's it. Yeah, yeah. So I didn't, yeah, so it's definitely not as advertised, or at least not at the Culver City Best Buy where I took my computer. So let me ask you a question. Is it worth to get an Acer laptop fixed?

I mean, how much? Yeah. It costs 500 bucks. You could get like a brand new laptop for 600. It was under warranty. Oh, okay. So, yeah, yeah. But yes, ordinarily, you are right. Getting a fix would probably be not that much more expensive or just a little less expensive than buying a new one um and anyways it kind of really highlighted something that i'm always self-conscious about which is um i mean taking a a a acer laptop to the geek squad at best buy is basically like the most pedestrian thing you can do.

Like the ultimate. It's like what your mom does. It is what my mom does. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My mom was just talking about it. She's like, I can't open my email. I need them to update everything and check for viruses.

It's sort of like. Right. Yeah, yeah. The technological equivalent of like just buying some white fruit of the loom briefs at Target. Mm hmm. Yeah. equivalent of like just buying some white fruit of the loom briefs at target yeah i i guess my my mom uh when she's having problems with her home computer uh always blames the amount of microsoft word documents my sister saves on the desk she's like there's not enough memory because

stephanie has too many word documents i'm like that's probably not it. Yeah. My mom, I paid for her for her Christmas present. I paid, gave her a check to pay for an entire year of high speed since she has dial-up. She still hasn't gotten it yet. I feel like I need to take her on Judge Judy because she has cashed the check. And I told her the other day, I was like, mom, just call. It's like, call them and have them come in and hook up your high speed. Well, I need to go and just get come in and hook up your high speed. Well, I need to go and just get my computer updated first. Cause it needs all, I'm like,

mother, it's like, it's not how it works. You plug in a thing and it works. Like you don't, it's like if your computer was made like after 2002, like you'll be fine. Like, oh, it's so frustrating. It's like, well, we, we tease our moms for their lack of computer knowledge, but the truth is I did the same thing. Like, it's frozen. I don't, mine isn't, my email. I'm no great computer expert. I can't code or do anything,

but I have had occasion to fix your computer before. Yes, I've had Jesse fix my computer a few times. And it really, because, I mean, I guess I have a lot of nerdy qualities. Yeah. Your current passion in life is Street Fighter IV. Sure, absolutely. And before it came out, my passion was thinking and talking about what Street Fighter IV is going to be like. Oh, my gosh. But I have no skills to show for it.

Like, usually if you are, if you have, you know, if you are a nerdier person, like, you have something to show for it. Like usually if you are, if you have, you know, if you are a nerdier person, like you have something to show for it and computer skills being the most obvious. There was a guy named Andrew. He used to ride my bus in high school, the 26 Valencia bus.

And he would sit on the back of the bus, very nice guy, and make chain mail. This is the kind of thing that you're talking about yeah uh i mean i guess street fighter skill is something but i mean there's no that that's no good to anyone anyway you know and i feel bad worked in like a nuclear power plant where you had to memorize long strings of button presses yeah in order for a complex move. Yeah, I... In the reactor core. Yeah, exactly. When there are complex moves are involved.

There's only a handful of move inputs in Street Fighter. Never mind. I just saw Street Fighter 4. Like, they're playing. We have a PS3 in my office. And so all the guys, the nerds, come up and they play Street Fighter 4. And they get so excited. From what I can tell, and I have an Xbox and a PlayStation 2.

Okay. I play video games. But Street Fighter 4 does not seem much different to me than it was like on Nintendo. I was shocked. It's the same game, right? When I saw it on television, I saw it on television. I've not seen it in process. Sure.

But I saw a television commercial for Street Fighter 4. It basically looks exactly the same as Street Fighter 2. And in fact, I was impressed at like, like I expect, I knew that it was essentially two dimensional. And I knew that, and I expected that they would retain the kind of cell animation aesthetic. I didn't expect it to go to like uh realistic bodies like a john madden football or something like that um but what i didn't expect was that it would still be like really pixelated and poorly animated i think you guys are thinking of something different it's a it's a strikingly beautiful game i would say i think you guys maybe have i only saw a television

commercial yeah and that was what i'm away with. I'm going to disagree. It's a lovely... You just sit and you fight. It's like me and you, we fight, and then someone wins. Yes. There needs to be more to... It's very complicated. It's a very, like...

There's a lot of nuance to the game. There's a lot of... I wish you could see the expression on my face. Yeah. It's... The one of extreme doubt. It's an expression of giving up on the idea of ever sleeping with me. I've seen that before.

What was my point I was going to make? Yes, actually part of the point of Street Fighter 4 is that it retains a lot of the things from Street Fighter II that had kind of been lost over the years with the various revamps and things like that. But it is actually a very complex game with a lot of nuance and a lot of kind of little things to master. And you can kind of create a personal style for yourself. And I'll stop talking about it now. But with nuance, but whenever you say nuance, you're just talking about different button combinations right but i mean it's a video game it's played with buttons there's not another way to play it that's like yeah but anyways

yes yes it's okay my hobby's dumb, I'm an idiot and my hobby's dumb. There. You got nice ankles. Yeah, that's all that counts. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jessico. Shining him in your face. Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you

It's Jordan, Jesse Goe. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Michelle Balloon, Please to Ready. Nice. Yeah, you flipped it. You took it and you flipped it. I did.

It's the new backwards version. Yeah. Please to Ready. That's cool. That's like crisscross style. I like it. Yeah, totally, totally flipped it. You took it and you flipped it. I did. It's the new backwards version. Yeah. Pleased to ready. That's cool. That's like crisscross style. I like it. Yeah, totally, totally crossed out.

Totally crossed out. That was all the way crossed out. I thought it had a great urban flavor. And I think it might bring a new demo to our show, Jordan. I'm not saying it will, but it might. Yeah. Probably won't, though. Some of them try to rhyme, but they can't rhyme like this.

Sure. Yeah. I missed the bus, and I'll never, ever, ever, ever do it might. Yeah, probably won't, though. Some of them try to rhyme, but they can't rhyme like this. Sure. Yeah. I miss the bus, and I'll never, ever, ever, ever do it again. I love that song. Warm it up, Chris. Are there any rappers now that rap about... You had your crisscross that rapped about missing the bus

and your Fresh Prince song about your parents not understanding. Are there any rappers now that do that? Do those kind of like raps for teens? Well, there was Lil Mama this past year. Okay. Who's a teenage lady rapper. And her big hit was lip gloss.

That lip gloss is poppin'. Yeah, her lip gloss is poppin'. I think Lil Bow Wow before he became Bow Wow was kind of rapping about little kid things. Yeah, kind of. But yeah, it really is a genre that's gone by the wayside. Yeah. I think just because they figured out that like, I think what's happened is the pop music world has just completely co-opted hip hop aesthetics.

And so you can just make a Fergie song for those people who would have bought the kid's rapping song. You know what I mean? Gotcha. Remember Another Bad Creation? Yeah, sure, ABC. Cooling at the playground. You know.

Aisha, you were the girl I never had. I'm not going to sing along. If you were singing Tony, Tony, Tony, I'd sing along. No, but ABC, it's East Coast Family. Boys to Men, ABC, BBB. I mean, I didn't... You know, I listened to... We grew up on the tough streets of Mission Viejo.

Yeah, we didn't have time to listen to music. We were too busy listening to AM talk radio, which was kind of a battle in and of itself. Mostly in my neighborhood, you were mostly looking at Playas Club by Rapinfort forte as the primary oh wow that's even i don't even know that and i was like super into rap i was all cross-colored out in high school i mean i had some cross colors i was so fucking proud of those shits oh my god those shits i mean i was all over i had some like cross-colored jean shorts that had like red and green stripes or something.

Oh, nice. Oh, my God. And when I had those, I thought I was just the greatest thing since ever. I thought it was so fantastic. Jeaned shorts. I had some red baggy cross-colored situation. Sure. For an urban flavor.

And I lived in rural Wisconsin. I was bringing it. If something momentous, we talked about how special this program is. Sure. When something momentous happens in our listeners' lives, Michelle, we ask them to call in and tell us about it, hopefully in the moment or immediately thereafter, for a segment on the show called Momentous Occasions. And we have some really fantastic momentous occasions this week. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. This is Greg from Omaha, a.k.a. one of the Knot Rockets, calling in with a momentous occasion.

This morning I woke up at around 7 a.m. a little bit constricted in the bed, and I was going to ask my wife, the other not-rocket, to move over. And there were bodies on either side of me, and there was an extra person in our bed, and it was our roommate who had come home drunk at 4 a.m., sent a text message, plugged in his cell phone, then taken off all his clothes with the aims of going to bed. Only he came to ours and fell asleep in it. And apparently he also got a drink of water,

which he then proceeded to pour the rest of the cup all over our floor. So we woke him up, and he was flummoxed. He grabbed the blanket and went and put some shorts on, and we all had a hearty laugh. So, yeah, kind of woke up with the back end of a threesome and none of the benefits. That's it. Now, I should start off. This gentleman alluded to the fact that he and his wife had called into our program asking

us to give them a new last name. program asking us to give them a new last name after accepting that our decision was final and listening to our counsel we recommended that they go with the last name rocket they did not pick our last name and so he's on the shit list forever sure however he's lucky we're even responding to this he's lucky that we're giving him the time of day was he supposed to legally change it? That was his plan. His plan was, they were getting married and instead of combining their two

names or hyphenating them, they were going to pick a new one. We suggested Rocket, which is both a real last name and awesome. That's a great last name. We've been over this. We've covered this. The man was wrong uh but this kind of sharing this kind of uh special occasion um i feel like this sort

of makes up for it yeah i guess i'm not all the way i think the roommate was naked that's pretty that's a pretty it's not momentous really it's not like oh you know like something great happened i've been waiting to happen my no i mean it's kind of a i guess i won't kill the guy if i see him now i'll just beat him up really bad look if you want to know what what really is a momentous occasion here's a good example hey jordan and jesse this isiah. We have a momentous occasion. Just now, my boyfriend went to pick up our baby right as his mother stepped over the child protective gate and she farted right in his face. And it was hilarious.

That's all. Oh, God. That's momentous, right? This guy at work the other day, he goes, Michelle, he goes, what would you do if I farted? And I was like, I would laugh my ass off. I mean, like farting. But this is special. This isn't just a fart.

That was fantastic. It's a fart to the face from his own mother. How embarrassing. What can she say? There's nothing she can say. She's just got to get out of there and never talk to them again. And she farted. Right there.

I love it. Yeah, it's definitely... There's only one thing better that could have happened right there. And we all know what that is. Shitting her pants. The funniest thing that's ever happened to anybody ever. The demographic of person that you expect to not fart is like the older kind of middle-aged woman. I want like President Obama to fart.

Like I just want like somewhere like just to be audible. I want him to fart during a State of the Union address. Oh, really? What about just like a trade policy speech? Okay, fine. Fine. I don't want to mark. But it's on C-SPAN.

Yeah. So everyone hears it. And then he hears it enough to have to giggle about it because it's a fart. Yeah. I bet he would like really handle it well, though. Yeah. I bet he would like, he would, you know. Turn it into a metaphor.

Exactly. Yeah. Make it inspirational in some way. Another kind of momentous occasion is when you visit somewhere really magical. I think this is a great example of that category. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, go. This is Joe from Madison. Had a quick momentous occasion.

For my job, I deliver flyers for bands. I work for a promotion company. And I went recently to a place called the El's Palace. Now, this is a great place to get yourself your magic wand, maybe a sword, maybe a beaded doorway hanger, some incense. Anyway, I walk in there, don't see anyone, look behind the counter, there's a lady sleeping on the floor.

She's the one in charge. Gets up, helps me, lays back down, goes back to sleep. Doesn't address it all. Yeah, that's a momentous occasion at the Elf Palace. Thank you. That's magical, right? Ah, that's Madison. That's what that is. You walk in there. You're from Madison, Wisconsin.

I went to college at University of Wisconsin. There's a lot of medieval-ry. You know, I wish, I was hoping I could be like, yeah, I know the Elf Palace. That's where I used to hang out. I don't know the Elf Palace. But I do like the idea.

There's a lot of hippies, and I like the idea of that lady and her Elf Palace sleeping. She helps him out. She does her job. She gets back on the floor and goes back to sleep. Nice. Yeah, that's why the elf palace is uh always going to be the number two medieval uh supply place in town they don't they also don't

carry my uh high school friend andrew's chain mail yeah that's the other reason that's why lancelot's boudoir is always going to be number one in the tri-state area there's also this kind of momentous occasion that is when, it's like when a prophecy comes true. And that's what this one is. Hey guys, I think this is a momentous occasion. I'm out walking my dog

and she stopped to sniff something and I stopped walking because I was waiting for my dog and I heard a creaking sound. I looked to my right, and there's sort of an 80s-era big boxy van with pinstriping and windows on it with blinds in the windows. It was rocking and creaking, and I had never seen that before. That's right. Well, I'm glad he didn't bother knocking.

Exactly. It's pronounced a-knocking. Yeah, he didn't come a-knocking. Thank you guys for pausing so I could have the honor of saying that. Oh, my God. What a beautiful moment. He saw a van a-rocking, you know? Like, what could be more amazing than that, you know?

What sunset could top? I have a – like when I was – I actually grew up in Orange County. When I went to elementary school in Whittier, California, Jordan Elementary. And when I used to walk – They've actually – a lot of people don't know this. Jordan is a really big deal in his home county of Orange in California. And there's all kinds of shit named after him from elementary school before i was born jordan i was confused for a second yeah i was so i was so

in another place like i did not associate jordan's name with jordan i was like what is what is he he's a big he's a big deal yeah which is why I'm tying it in. But when I was going to Jordan's, Jordan Elementary, walked past a trailer park, and there was a trailer that had a bumper sticker that said, if this trailer's a rockin', don't bother a knockin'. Nice. And so... Did you know what that meant as a kid? No, I didn't.

Yeah. I did not, and so that was one of those things you learn later, and you're like, and then the rest of your life is, has new light. What, because, because what, what other things might you be missing, for example? Exactly. How about that? Yeah. And I'm like, that's what that meant.

Mm-hmm. I mean, people were fucking in the trailer. Mm-hmm. Now, you guys may remember earlier on in the program, just a few minutes ago, we played a pretty remarkable roommate story in which someone woke up to find their naked male roommate sleeping in bed with him and his wife. Do we totally believe that? Yes. Okay.

Although, our listeners are not beyond calling in with the fake. Did you hear that on last week's program, somebody called in with a story that they'd already earlier called in to our friends at Stop Podcasting Yourself. Oh, they called in. They double-storied? They double-storied. They double-depped. Bullshit. Wow.

Bullshit. You know what? We're just going to stop taking calls. How about that? Yeah, right? It's not worth it. It's not worth the heartbreak. You know what I mean?

It's not worth it. It's not worth the heartbreak. You know what I mean? Anyway, so we have that really great roommate story. And, you know, a man climbs naked into your bed and you wake up with him sleeping there because he was drunk. It's tough and to top. But as we all know, you know, roommates can be a difficult situation. So you guys can decide on this one. Hi, Jordan and Jesse.

This is Kate in Columbus, Ohio. Love the show. I am calling in with a momentous occasion. I woke up at 4 a.m. this morning to was my roommate who apparently sleptwalked into my room and sat down in my chair thinking it was a toilet and peed. And there was a very large pile of urine on my floor, on my carpet, and I thought it was a momentous occasion you might appreciate. Thanks so much. Bye.

That's amazing. Very blue, very scatological round of calls. Whoa. Well, these are powerful tales. Mm-hmm. That's insane. She said pile of urine. Yeah. That was my favorite part of the whole thing, a pile of urine.

A pile of urine. That's some radical urine. Sure. It's outrageous. It's kind of part urine, part gack, if you remember gack. I do. Oh, yeah. Speaking of scatological, this one is just basically pure scatology.

This is the guy eating shit and telling us about it. Yeah. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, Go. My name is Brandon from Reno, Nevada, calling with a momentous occasion. Well, not only am I calling you guys for the first time, but also I just got done shaving my balls for no reason at all. Just was

kind of bored about doing it. So, I thought I'd share. It's not technically scatological. Technically, it's vulgar. And he's got that weird handsome guy voice. He does have a handsome guy voice and also like i don't get like i don't understand i really shaving your balls i know i'm not a guy but like why would you like just be like i want to shave my balls i don't get it because you kind of wonder about haven't you

ever wondered about shaving your balls here's been my experience with that um i you know i i shave in the shower and i I remember one time. Which is the place to shave, no doubt about it. You gotta. This was a number of years ago. Just had the razor and just, for a yuck, shaved off a thing of pubic hair. One swipe, one swath.

I've done the same thing. For me, it was an area of the upper area. Yeah. Just to see. Just to see what it upper area. Yeah. Just to see. Just to see what it's like. Yeah, because I can. I have agency. I did that, and it itched so bad growing back.

Holy shit. It itched so bad that I have not tended that area since. I don't go near that. I'm just so... And, you know, maybe it's overgrown. Maybe it's unattractive. I don't know. Maybe I should clip.

And, you know what? Clipping it probably wouldn't make it itch. I'm not going to, though. That one thing where it itched just was such an awful experience. I mean, a lady's parts and a fella's parts a lady could shave her business and it's definitely from from my understanding uh it if you're going to shave your business it requires a lot of maintenance to to prevent super itchiness yes but if you're a fella and you shave your business, you have to remember that not only is your business very sensitive, just like a lady's business, it's also in opposition to other parts of your body.

Every part of a gentleman's business interacts with other parts of his business and legs and torso in a way that can cause some profound... I'm going to need a diagram. Yeah, right? Your giant dick flopping up and hitting you in the stomach? Is that how that's going down? Your cock-thorax interaction here, Jordan. Are you saying you have an exoskeleton? Are you saying...

This is where you find out you're different from everybody else. You know, sometimes it'll poke out one of your compound eyes. I'm confused. Your cock isn't iridescent at all. There's no iridescence to your wangreek. I think the moral of the story is, if you're a fella out there and you get the curiosity, for God's sake, if you need to do something trim don't shave yeah i'm not even gonna do that though yeah jordan's playing it safe yeah we'll be back

in just a second on jordan jesse go our bodies ourselves jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Michelle Balloon, RTP. Nice. Yeah, very punchy. For those in the know. Like Sean Combs, everybody. Keep mixing it up.

Sure. You am king. Mm-hmm. Gosh, we had a fun show, huh? Yeah. Oh, boy. We got the Jordan, Jesse shirt going. This is the biggest

thing ever to happen to jordan jesse go yeah we have michelle balloon here the most legendary guest ever totally she works she works for e exclamation mark uh entertainment television nobel laureate she's appeared on chelsea lately for god's sake yeah uh walking with michelle yeah new episode coming up soon she's got a new magic mountain new podcast new episode of her podcast walking with michelle yeah maybe quickly what's the the theme of your podcast how is it different than podcast number five my oh the theme of my podcast is that i go i go with somebody somebody you love from the world of comedy someplace a paul f tompkins a doug benson paul f tompkins and i went to Disneyland. Maria Bamford and I did Hollywood Boulevard.

Jimmy Pardo and I looked at Starz Homes. James Adomian and I did Portland. And then here we are, number five, Doug Benson and I went to Magic Mountain. And it's pretty good. It's pretty good because I'm scared of roller coasters. And Doug tricked me into taking a pot pill. So there you go. She told you it was a salt pill, which you needed.

This will make it less scary. Yeah, told you it was a salt pill. You were wearing that rubber suit. Trying to sweat it out. Sweat it out. And you're going to be doing comedy at South by Southwest this year, right? Yeah, super fun. Really awesome comics.

Nick Kroll, John Mulaney, Todd Berry. John Mulaney is really a piece of work, isn't he? He's awesome. He's kind of outrageous. When I saw him perform comedy the first time... I think he's too good. Yeah, I was upset by it. Like, granted, when I saw him, you know, the guy's younger than I am, I think, 25 or something like that.

And his performance was like skilled for a 25-year-old, but not skilled for a super-skilled professional comedian. Like, the quality of his performance, I think it was a 25 year old but not skilled for a super skilled professional comedian like the quality of his performance i think it was a little rough around the edges um but so outrageously talented it almost made me angry like i really like his material was so funny yeah and like he was so like to any extent to which he was rough around the edges as a performer this is several years ago now. Yeah, exactly.

And it was just because his material was so outrageously funny that I can't imagine he ever bombed with anyone. No. And so he never had any reason to. It blew my mind. His likability is that of a Jerry Seinfeld or something. But his sense of humor is super smart, sharp wit, as alternative as you can get.

This guy is like, the only person I can compare this guy to in terms of talent is like a Michelle Balloon. Like this guy is a monster. You know what I mean? So Michelle's at the South by Southwest, of course, frequently performing around town here. Some occasionally performing on the road. Occasionally. Michelleballoon.com is your website. Or justally. MichelleBalloon.com is your website. Or Balloon, just Balloon.com works, Balloon.com.

And that's not spelled the traditional way. No, not at all. Thank you. Spelled the name way. My name way, B-I-L-O-O-N. There you go, Michelle Balloon here. What a joy to have Michelle Balloon, am I right? Right.

Nothing unpleasant about it. I feel like Michelle Balloon just earned herself a Jordan Jesse shirt. Oh, my gosh. I got to get one of these. It's the Nobel. it's our nobel prize can we can i put that on there yeah absolutely you know what jordan i didn't want to reveal this because i felt like it might be too too much information but jordan and i are on the nobel nomination. We live here, but for tax purposes, we live in Stockholm. Exactly.

So we get to vote. And this was your audition. And guess what? No. Callback. You got a callback. We actually got into this business because we're in the metal printing business.

Gotcha. When we're not doing this, we make medals for... Trophies. The Olympics. Yeah, yeah. The academic decathlon. metal printing business. Gotcha. When we're not doing this, we make medals for trophies, the Olympics, the academic decathlon, that kind of thing. Swim meet.

Swim meet thing. Yeah. So, anyway, I guess the story is we got a callback on the nomination. I can't wait.

And one way or the other, we'll probably stamp you out a medal, right? Why not? Do I have to write an essay? What about this? Best walking themed podcast? I don't know if you know this,

but I've got it. It's my podcast. We'll be back next week on Jordan, Jesse, Go. Special thanks to Light in the Attic Records for our theme music, which is Love You by The Free Design, available on Kites Are Fun, and the best of The Free Design, which is Love You by The Free Design, available on Kites Are Fun, the best of The Free Design,

which is a really wonderful CD that you should spend. Once a month, somebody emails me and says, I've got that CD and it's changed my life. Boom. So there you go. Bob's your uncle. We'll see you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go.