Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 96: Ras-Poutine

Episode Date: April 20, 2009

CBC host Jonathan Goldstein joins Jesse and Jordan to discuss life in the frozen north.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, Jesse, go.

We travel north of the border to broadcast with one of Canada's finest radio talents. And we waste it all talking about poutine. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, north of our country is a vast expanse of snow and ice populated by brilliant men and women wearing heavy down coats. But enough about my mother-in-law.

Thank you. Thank you. Joining us from the great nation of Canada and the great city of Montreal, the great radio broadcaster, Mr. Jonathan Goldstein. How are you, Mr. Goldstein? I'm good. I'm all giggly. Thank you for that.

Isn't that great, though? A beautiful tribute to my country. That was impromptu. It was a tribute to your great nation It was a tribute to your great status as a radio host Host of the CBC and PRI program Wiretap The only thing it left out was your status as probably best-selling author An author of books I don't know about best-selling author? An author of books. I don't know about best-selling, but, yeah.

It's one of the best-selling alternate Bible story books. Ladies and gentlemen, the Bible, your new book. It's second after that one book, The Gospel According to Ted, or whatever it was called. Biff. I don't know that one.

That was another alternate Bible That was sold well Okay Gospel according to Biff, I think I don't know either You got anything for me, Jordan? I don't Gospel according to Biff?

Nope Is that striking anything? I'm just trying to think of something About Back to the Future to say At this point Although, Jordan I mean, to be completely honest, you're usually just trying to think about something about Back to the Future to say.

Oh, here's something about Back to the Future to say. Isn't it odd that in the world of Back to the Future, newspapers have such non-headlines. Like, you know, when they correct the future, newspapers go from bad to good. You're aware of this in the Back to the Future movies. So Doc Brown institutionalized being on the front page. By the way, that's not front page material anyway.

No, I mean, lots of people are institutionalized every day. Sure. Just because people lose their minds, they can't be responsible for themselves. They have to be institutionalized. And if they're just a doctor, that's not enough of a distinguishing characteristic to make front page news. No. But when they correct history, Doc Brown institutionalized changes to Doc Brown honored and has him getting a plaque.

It's also seemingly not front page news. But that's the opposite. That's the bizarro version of getting institutionalized. Yeah, it's getting awarded a plaque. You didn't know that? That's their sides of the same coin. Institutionalized and honored. You get a medal?

Possibly. Either way, I'm just thinking that it seems like Hill Valley needs to hire some new reporters. I was watching King of the Hill yesterday. Surprise, surprise. This is all I do in my free time, by the way. Just to bring you up to date, Jonathan Goldstein, all I do in my free time is watch the television program, King of the Hill. I was watching King of the Hill and Cotton, Hank Hill's father, was at a wedding and he was wearing one of those medals around his neck like Dracula wears. It was really great. It made me really want to

wear a medal around my neck like Dracula. Do you have a medal to wear? I have some. My dad's house, they got those academic decathlon medals. I think I threw those out, though. That's probably healthy. You feel really... I would suggest not at 27 redawning your high school decathlon medals. Academic decathlon.

Excuse me, academic decathlon. Let's be specific here, Jordan. You're not running any decathlons no absolutely not there's no javelin javelin successes in my past yeah although i would like to be a javelin success jonathan uh do you have a high school distinction that you uh won't shut up about i'm sorry what was the yeah what was your great high school accomplishment? Nothing really comes to mind. I won a poetry contest in grade 6.

That's pretty good. Or rather, sorry, 6th grade. What was your poem about? It was about Christmas. Oh, that's great. Well, nothing has more emotional power to an 11-year-old than Christmas. Well, I was Jewish, as I am now, but I sort of felt like it was going to go over bigger with the judges and the Hanukkah poem.

Right, so did you just change Hanukkah to Christmas and they're like, we really like the metaphorical power of extending Christmas over the course of a week or so? No, I just really went full hog with Christmas. It was really all about Christmas, about flying reindeer and... Jesus. And a little sprinkling of Jesus. Did it rhyme?

No, it didn't, which I guess set me apart. Because most poems that involve reindeer rhyme. Christmas poems with reindeer in them usually rhyme. Yeah. I'm thinking back to The Night Before Christmas. But you were really inspired by the beat poets in sixth grade, so you just kind of went off. Yates?

Sure. William Butler Yates? in sixth grade so you know you just kind of went went off yates sure um william butler yates um having a hard time remembering this particular poem um but i won a uh an agenda from the principal oh like a planner we would call it a planner yeah it was from 1980 or something. Was it a trapper keeper? No, it was like a hardcover. Free trapper keeper? There was no Velcro. It was just like a straight-ahead calendar, a hardcover calendar, which I never ended up writing in because I was anal as a kid,

and I wanted to preserve it. No, I kept it. And there was an inscription from the principal that said, to a great poet, exclamation mark. I like the principal wrote in it. That's good. Yeah, it is nice. Jordan, I want to take this opportunity to point out that our program to this point has been completely clean.

100% clean, safe for for kids safe for families safe for the queasy safe for moralistic judges um i've gotten i'm not gonna lie to you jordan i've gotten a lot of emails talking about how much they loved our recent programs okay i may have received one email that was I know I'm no vulgarian and I made that clear sure but it wasn't achieving its maximum potential the email wasn't no the email was the message okay contained was was that of a person who was not achieving his or her maximum potential well it probably probably upset you jonathan i want to invite you to join my boner society whoa uh okay it's not about sex an actual arrest it's not about an actual like like 1920 style boners

like mistakes and errors no it's not about yucks uh or uh dunder headed errors okay um jesse's not trying to uh get you to cram a bunch of guys in a phone booth if that's what you're uh i am trying to get you to sit on top of a flagpole but that's as as part of an entirely different effort where i try and get canadian radio personalities to sit on top of a flag 1920s fraternity yeah the other day when i interviewed terry o'reilly i was like terry o'reilly sit on top of a flagpole for gosh sakes you know barbara budd sit on top of a flagpole but uh in this case it it's specifically, this is an organization. We don't

know what the synonym for fraternal is that encompasses all genders. But it's a fraternal organization that is open to all genders. It's a multi-ternal organization. It's a multi-ternal organization that's about achieving your

maximum potential. Okay. I'm in. Wait, this isn't Scientology, is it? It's like that, but more... We will be trying to get alien ghosts out of your blood. But in all other respects, it's not at all like uh scientology oh i have will be cruising the world on a yacht with a team of high-ranking uh boner society officials who will essentially be serving as

my personal slaves okay wait hold on what email did you get i feel like i were jumping around more than normal today now you're on a yacht what was this email that you get? I feel like we're jumping around more than normal today. Now you're on a yacht. What was this email that you got? Somebody said that they had to listen to old Jordan Jesse goes to remember what they liked about our show. Oh, my. Because they thought our show had become too vulgar. No.

Not profane, but specifically vulgar. Our show's always been profane. Don't get me wrong. No. Not profane, but specifically vulgar. Our show's always been profane. Don't get me wrong. Sure. We've been swearing up a storm since day one. But specifically the vulgarity. Now, I think that this grows from a misconception about the Boner Society. Jonathan, I guess just to fill you in.

Yes. Last week, Jesse proposed starting a boner society that is less about the boner as physical manifestation of arousal and more about the boner as symbol for something achieving its full potential. You're talking about the male erection though, right? Yes, yes. Our motto is ever skyward. Okay. So you're taking the, uh, you're taking the phallus, right? And you're using it. Here's the thing. Okay. I had a great idea. What if the phallus could be a metaphor for other stuff? This

is something I've thought up. I'm surprised that others haven't thought of this up in the past um but what if the phallus could be a metaphor what if it could be metaphorical like for uh power or uh achieving your maximum potential specifically and you didn't consider the vagina i consider i mean i don't have a vagina a vagina, so. But it's not about the penis, is what you're saying. A vagina has a lot of strong muscles in it. We've learned, if there's anything we've learned in doing this show, it's that a pussy is strong. And if you want to say something is weak, you should say it's balls. Because balls are weak, or scrotum, which is weak.

They're sensitive. Yeah, exactly. And so I don't mean to impugn a lady's parts. That's not what I'm here to do. Right. I'm not here to put down a lady's parts. What I'm saying here essentially is that a gentleman's parts, when they become engorged, are a literal physical, it's like

they're striving for the sky. They're filling themselves with hope because they want to make change in the world in a way that a lady's parts don't have a similarly striking physical transformation, which is why we invite ladies to be part of the Boner Society, because it's about a metaphor. It is about a metaphor. It's about becoming human boners, each and every one of us. And ladies can get boners, too. Don't get me wrong.

We talked about this a little bit last week, but a lady can get a boner too. She's got a little boner part on the outside and a larger boner part on the inside. And so the point is that it's about achieving. Look, this is not about sexiness. This is not about arousal. Right. Don't drag the boner society through the mud with your filthy thoughts and ideas.

Have you heard of hanging brain? I recently was taught about this. Hanging brain? Oh, as prank, as like, hey, look at the brain. Well, like you're just standing there, say, at the zoo, you know, looking in at the monkey cage and you have your testicles hanging out of your fly. Yeah. And that's called hanging brain. There was a guy I went to high school with who famously would pull out the brain. And I remember he worked at the sub shop. You see, it's a metaphor also, right?

No, this is a literal. For brains, for something cerebral. And might I add, the boner doesn't last. Have you thought of that? That's true, but I mean... No, that's a good point. It doesn't last. That might be the chink in our armor.

That's why our primary Latin motto is Ad Astra, which means essentially to the heavens or to the stars. Or to the vagina. Or as we translate it, ever skyward. Okay. Our secondary Latin motto is sic transit gloria, which is glory fades. Hmm.

Your friend from high school? Worked at the sandwich shop and would pull out the brain while there was customers in and trick his friends into looking at it that was it trick his friends into looking at it you know just like you know you know the game where you make the little circle with your hand and then you oh yeah then you do this no i don't think i know this game okay here's the it's a famous game that you play where you make an okay symbol with your fingers. Right. And if you bring it above your shoulders or below your waist and somebody looks at it, you get to punch them. And the complication is if they can stick their finger into it,

then they get to punch you. This is kind of something along the lines of slug bug, punch buggy. It sounds a little gay. Sure. It's very gay. Sure. It's very gay. No, absolutely. As aggressive games played by teenage males tend to be, yes.

So you're trying to penetrate the okay symbol with your rigid index finger. Yes. Right. Your hand boner. And there's punching also. Yeah. Okay. All right right and humping but this but this guy's use of the hanging brain was kind of similar to this in kind of like tricking people into looking at his balls and then feeling like he had put one over on them when they did

i think it's the ultimate prank it is the ultimate prank i feel like that prank just found out it's a real princess. That's how ultimate it is. Sure. Oh my goodness gracious. Anyway, really what we're trying to do is build a castle in the clouds and then live in it. Essentially. Sure.

That's another way I would describe it. Okay. And how many people have joined this club? So far, me and Jordan. Jordan, are you in? I'm kind of on the fence at this point. Do you have a manifesto? I guess we've heard it, right?

We should develop a manifesto. A manifesto that has whereas, or a womanifesto. You know what we have that's really nice? some of our listeners have been working on, we really wanted to start with a crest just for the society, just like cool crest ideas. And I was really happy because one of the forum members, Commander K, because one of the forum members, Commander K, not only did they start to work out a really nice crest that involves a shield and the slogan Ad Astra

and stars in the sun to symbolize the heavens or ever skyward. It has a B and an S in the heraldry there. But he also worked it out on graph paper, which I really like. Very nice. Because it ensures that it's orderly. Yeah. Would that remain a part of the actual crest that you're going to go to the T-shirt shops with? The graph paper?

Well, if we could get graph T-shirt blanks. I mean, I think that's ultimately going to be the challenge. They're tough to find. And when you do find them, they're tough to pry out of the hands of somebody who's got them. I just kind of want to really quick go back to this email that was criticizing us for being too vulgar. Too blue. Yeah.

John, you work on Canadian public radio. Yeah, so to speak. And I've been lucky enough to be asked to appear on your program. I have not. We're still looking for the right project, you and me. Okay. Yeah. He doesn't want to blow his wad.

Sure. We'd rather focus on the funny guy. Sure. Which I can understand. Yeah. But something I noticed that was... Very funny. Was an issue was what can and can't be said on Canadian radio, and you said that maybe they're kind of air on the side of assuming that the Canadian standards are pretty strict.

Yeah. Yeah. I think it – are we talking about the use of douchebag? Douchebag, yeah. Douchebag, I think it's probably more me. Whenever I go to my boss about whether we should use certain words, she's usually like, yeah. Gotcha. Like, no problem.

But I usually, I guess I'm the one. I've had douchebag come up on my show. I had to go to a panel of bosses to check out Douchebag. Well, here's the thing. I mean, your listenership might be younger. No. I'm on public radio. We're talking about 53-year-olds.

Right. So their generation, they hear Douchebag. They're thinking, they're visualizing an actual douchebag. So it's a lot filthier, I think, for them. Whereas I think I was 20 years old when I realized that a douchebag was a literal physical object there you go that's right yeah and involved a bag you know that schmaltz is an actual thing right no i had no idea reality to know that no um i was just in new york and i went to this romanian jewish restaurant and they prepare for you chopped liver in a big salad bowl at your table benihana style and she she pulls out this container of schmaltz,

which you refer to as Jewish olive oil. But schmaltz, it's liquid animal fat. Oh, wow. Yeah, it's an actual thing. That sounds tasty. It was amazing. I mean, I felt like I might have a heart attack in the booth. But it was actually right before the book launch.

And after that, I felt like launching a nap more than a book. But it's a real thing. The maiden voyage of the SS nap. Wouldn't it be awesome if every time Jonathan Goldstein took a nap, he took a bottle of champagne and cracked it on the bottom of his bed? Yes, it would be. Yeah. So what was the verdict on douchebag

for the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation? Well, we were in the situation where the word douchebag was... Right. Should we explain the whole gag? I mean, is it worth going into? Sure. I mean, yeah, I don't know if you want to... Yeah, sure. Yeah, why not? Jordan appeared on Jonathan's radio program.

And he was appearing as a guy who had achieved internet celebrity on YouTube by having been... Having a jellyfish dropped on my face. While sunbathing on the beach by your little brother, right. And we were trying to think, or you came up with the very funny title for, like, a real typical YouTube video name, which would have been something like sunbathing douchebag. Sure, yeah. Because the language of the internet is generally cruel. Right. And then I said, well, maybe we should substitute douchebag for something else.

Suggested, of course, jerkwad. Oh. Yeah, that might have been problematic too But it was really hard We spent a lot of time Trying to figure out a word That would have had the same power As douchebag

And we couldn't We ended up settling on moron I think Yeah Which isn't the same Or jackass maybe When I checked in What I do

I think it was moron Because we were worried about Maybe people People Farmers Or I was going to say the show Jackass. Like there are some people being confused. Right, right, that's true.

When I had this come up, a guest in an interview used the word douchebag. And I have like this panel of elders that I consult with, which is a couple of program directors of stations. So I'll check with my man Terry at KUSP, the original station that carried the Sound of Young America, and Chris Bannon at WNYC, and so on. I'll send it out to a couple of different people to get there, a couple of different program directors, to get a feeling in different places. And the consensus response to douchebag, I was pretty sure they weren't going to let a guest say douchebag, because they're sure they weren't going to let me, let a guest say douchebag,

because they're very careful about these kind of things. But it turns out the law in the United States is sexual or excretory function. So jerkwad, for example, is, I guess, refers to when you, the semen that comes out when you masturbate, I guess. And that is sexual. That's clearly a reference to sexuality. And so you can't have that. But a douchebag is, while it has to do with a lady's lady parts, is non-sexual and non-excrutory although i mean i guess you know the the

excretory in this case specifically is pee poop vomit so like given that it's not sexual not excretory apparently you're allowed to say douchebag as much as you want on the radio is that so yeah so you can call like you can you can call someone a tampon if you wanted to. Yeah, exactly. You could call someone a maxi pad, a tampon, a butt wipe. No, you couldn't, I don't think. No, you couldn't because that's extra toilet. Interesting. I'm fascinated by it.

I'll tell you what. Me too. Thanks, Jordan. That's exactly what we're looking for. Working for a young person's cable television network, saying douchebag on air is kind of my stock in trades. I have never had to fight for the word douchebag. I would think that they wouldn't let you say douchebag for that reason.

Yeah, no, they're fine with it. I mean, it's so much a part of the young dude vernacular now that, yeah, it's meaning as something other than just calling somebody a jerk is gone, you know? Yeah. They ask that you not call someone a douchebag and instead just call them gay. Sure.

Please. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. With us, of course, the great Jonathan Goldstein. One of the great pleasures of appearing on this program, and I've been told that the pleasures of appearing on this program are multitude, or multitudinous, I should say,

is that you get to make up a nickname for yourself. So you should work on that. Just chew that over. Oh. Yeah. is that you get to make up a nickname for yourself. So you should work on that. Just chew that over. If it's any guidance, all around class act and Studio 360 host Kurt Anderson, Explodo. Hey, Explodo. It's kind of the one to beat at this point.

Yeah, that's an all-timer. Explodo. That's one for the record books. Yeah. Last of the Red Hot beat at this point yeah that's an all-timer explodo that's one for the record books yeah uh last of the red hot douchebags no that's way too complicated you think about it think about it yeah don't you don't have to decide now yeah if i was good like if i was just gonna say something right now it would be mr pants but didn't we already had a pants related one recently. I don't know. We may have. I think anything. Rob Corddry's pants related.

I believe you're correct. Yeah. Oh yeah. Well, I don't want people to think Goldstein's biting Corddry. No, he's not. If anything,

Corddry's biting Goldstein. Sure. I once had him read one of my stories, which was like one of the biggest thrills. Really? This charity event. Yeah. Um,

it was the first time i'd ever heard anybody read one of my own stories was a very strange experience but it was cool it was um it was the story about uh dating lois lane after she breaks up with superman sure sure and he did and i and i don't know if this is so it was great where did uh what's what what's this what's what collection is this from it's no collection it was just on this american life okay and uh he i'm imagining it was just really a strange feeling, like hearing someone get laughs from jokes that you had written, but he's telling them in this great way that you wouldn't have thought.

I don't know. Yeah, it was interesting. And I think he might have also been wearing a superhero outfit. I only heard the audio of it. There was no video. It's amazing to hear someone get new laughs out of something that you wrote that you

didn't imagine were there. And it also makes you upset because it makes you think, why didn't I think of that laugh? I wrote this. Yeah. At least that's my experience. Jordan, I have a question for you. Yes.

As you know, last semester I took basketball at the Los Angeles City College. I had a great time. I didn't make any new friends, but I'd like to have more activities in my life, and I'd like to make more new pals. Yeah, and I'd like to make more new pals. Yeah. Because I've been having such a great time. Of course, I've always been pals with Jordan, pals with Lonely Sandwich, Adam from You Look Nice Today.

That's about it on the pals front for me here in Los Angeles. I have friends here. Sure. But not for pal stuff. Yeah. I'm surprised to hear that it's tough it's tough to get from friend from acquaintances to pals yeah i have uh uh you know so you guys know i uh i met a guy okay uh what's he like um he's great i know him from uh i know him from from comedy from the kind of la kind of live comedy scene which is kind of my is it wait is it can i guess who it

is yeah you can guess is it andy kindler it's not andy kindler he's more of a peer what's the point huh then what's the point this guy is does it make you jealous if it's not andy kindler then what the fuck is the point of befriending him? I would just say this guy is great. He hasn't reached the promise. I would say he has the charm of a young Andy Kindler. Oh, wow. That's a lot of charm.

Yeah. Andy Kindler plus vivaciousness is what it sounds like to me. And I know him. And we've worked on a few kind of comedy projects together and have gotten along really well. He's so funny and nice. I went to his house once for a rehearsal and just great movie collection, awesome Italian posters of 70s exploitation movies on the wall.

Just, you know, all around class act, and I think great buddy material, but I don't know how to, like, okay, so if we have a comedy thing to work out, or if we're, you know, if we are at a kind of adjoining bar after a comedy performance, we talk and it's easy and natural. But I would like to get to the point where I can ask this guy to see a movie or to just come over and play video games for a couple hours. I can't do that either. It's never going to happen. It's so hard. Wow, you're saying no.

I kind of feel like at a certain – past a a certain age it's just uh you're just stuck with the friends that you made in grade school yeah and and and even if you even if you hate them you know they're just in your life forever and that's it you know most of my friends hate me but uh you know it's still a strong friendship yeah yeah i mean yeah i mean i i i you know i have i have buddies from high school. I went to high school about, you know, an hour south of here. And, you know, I have a couple buddies who are still kind of hanging around there. And, you know, I cannot talk to them for, you know, four months, five months.

But if I'm down visiting my mom, I can just call them up and say, let's go to a movie. And it's the easiest thing in the world and the most natural and always always takes and it's never weird uh but yeah but i feel like if i was to call up this guy and just say like you know hey i need a i need another one for for rock band tonight then it would be it would be weird oh wait maybe poker games? Is that what adult males do? No, no, that's a good... Teresa and I recently played a game of Scrabble. Like a group?

No, it was just us, but it was a really good step for me. How does that help this discussion? Play a board game with your wife. That's something a person does. I'm sorry. Jordan. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Jordan, I'm sorry.

But, Jimmy, now that you're married, my dad has no friends. He's never had any friends as long as I can remember. That's what I'm terrified of. My dad doesn't have any friends either. And that terrifies me. For a while, I'll tell you what. For a while, well, my dad and my stepmother don't get along particularly well. For a while, my dad was friends with our neighbor um we had this neighbor uh i can't even think of what his name was it was like augusto or something like that and my dad and augusto would

go like my dad's favorite thing in the world is to go to the movies. My dad loves going to the movies like nobody's business. He loves going to any movie, any movie at all. My dad will go seriously, any movie. And it's not because he's not discerning. That's what's so weird about it. My dad understands the difference between a good movie and a bad movie. He just doesn't care that much. He just loves the experience of being in a theater.

Yeah, he'll tell you, you know, I don't know what's a good example of an unpleasant, high-quality movie, but like a dancer in the dark or something. Something that's really miserable, but well-crafted. He understands that. He enjoys seeing that movie,

and he'll call me to tell me how amazing it was. He will also go see, like, a cell animated film not made by Disney. Like, he will go see, like, whatever. He'll go see, like, I don't even know. Monsters vs. Aliens? Monsters vs. Aliens. Oh, absolutely. But, I mean, that's like a premium.

He would go see Taxi starring Jimmy Fallon and Queen Latifah. Is he masturbating in the movie theater? He may be. I mean, that's like a premium. He would go see Taxi starring Jimmy Fallon and Queen Latifah. Is he masturbating in the movie theater? He may be. I mean, I don't know. I haven't seen him do it. I've gone with him. He probably just grew up in an era where the only place he could masturbate was in a movie theater. If you wanted to masturbate.

Sure, yeah. You put on your overcoat and, you know. That explains why he keeps one of those big bags of popcorn on his bedside table like one of those kind of bag boxes you know what i'm talking about the mickey rourke from diner box yeah exactly classic i hadn't i always thought that was for midnight snacks but that explains why he never replaces the popcorn or never asks for extra butter. Yay, because he eats his own semen. Okay, so my dad was friends with his neighbor for a while, and they would go to the movies,

and they would go see a Harrison Ford movie or whatever, right? And it worked out great for them. But I feel like I am quick, I am well on my way to never making a new pal. And because I moved to Los Angeles, like immediately after the time when you make pals, like most of my like lifelong pals outside of Jordan are in the Bay area or, uh,

on the East coast in New York or something like that, where they went after school. So I'm completely incapable of, I'm completely incapable of making that move. And it's, it's compounded in my case by the fact that I hate almost everyone. I just have no interest. Not hate. Hate is too strong of a word. I'm bored by and disinterested by 90% of people.

Is that an issue for you at all, Jordan? You're a more tolerant man than I. Yeah, I mean, I'm fairly intolerant. Right. But I guess if we were to pick which one of the two of us was more intolerant right you know but it sounds like this is a common anxiety it sounds like we all kind of feel this it's like so i mean what can we do i don't know let's be part of the let's be part of the solution here like do you think it's like this for girls no it seems like... Do you think they just meet each other while they're shopping

and then they just talk about their boyfriend's wieners or something? That's my impression. Yeah, they bridge the gap with a brief pillow fight. Then they brush each other's hair and get on with it. No, you know,

what they do is they each look at each other and they say which one from Sex and the City they are. And if it's different, they can hang out. Right. No, you know, I think it's a little bit easier for women. Although I can't put my finger on why I think that. Maybe it's just grass is always greener situation.

You know what I've been finding myself wishing? Yeah, it does. You know what I've been finding myself wishing? Yeah, it does. You know what I've been finding myself wishing lately? Their boobs. I am a committed atheist. I mean, I'm not a committed atheist in the sense that I'm like one of those people who was a dick about it. But like I'm totally an atheist. Just don't believe in God at all.

And I find myself thinking, man, I wish I could go to church. Yeah. Because I have gone to church in my life. I used to work at a church. And when you're at church, you're like automatically pals with everybody there, it seems like. You know, that was something that I disliked about attending church. Really? Is feeling like you were forced to hang out with these people

who maybe you wouldn't hang out with otherwise. See, when I feel like I'm lonely or whatever, I think I wish for at least a regular social community that I had to participate in where i couldn't uh you know you know what i mean like the knights of pythias yeah that's exactly i've been thinking about like what if i became a mason or something like that but the thing is is i kind of wonder like if i became a mason like i there's this part of me that says to me like there's this part of me that says that says like well if i did become a mason then i would have to become friends with people

who had decided to become a mason and like of all the groups like of all the psychographic demographic groups probably people who decided to become a mason are the least likely to be a good friend for me you know what i mean so there's there's got to be a there's got to be a good friend for me. You know what I mean? So there's got to be a way to do it. I mean, you could meet somebody in an improv class or a comedy event, working together in comedy. That's a good in. Yeah, it's... Well, here's the thing with...

I kind of regularly participate in the L.A. improv sketch world. I have a kind of regular sketch group that does regular shows. And, you know, it's kind of cobbled together by the bosses of the theater that I perform at. And with kind of a lot of these things. The theater he performs at, by the way, is Steppenwolf. The Steppenwolf. Steppenwolf. In Chicago.

The actor's gang. So Tim Robbins kind of comes over right tells me what jack black jack black uh anyways um so yeah but here's the thing i'm finding difficult with that is that um is that i feel like comedy dudes don't do a lot of non-comedy extracurricular stuff, or it's hard. Cocaine? Yes. So yeah, I'm finding it hard to... I guess these guys that I like in this world, it's easy to hang out with them in a comedy context, but it seems like just that general hanging out that you would want to do with a friend that doesn't

involve a performance or a rehearsal is is is difficult but it is a good way to find plenty of dudes you would want to hang out with i'm just finding it what's the what's the next step like how do you change that yeah you think camping trip camp yeah just go straight to a camping trip yeah no i like that i like this let's pursue Just go straight to a camping trip. Yeah. Oh, I like that. I like this. Let's pursue this. Let's talk about camping trip. But have you, in your experience, found that when someone is pursuant of your friendship, that it's always kind of like it, I don't know, it sort of weirds you out a little bit?

Turn off. Yeah, somehow. Or you just wonder what their problem is somehow? I'll tell you what. I'll tell you this yeah i if you a year ago i knew about a lonely sandwich you know what i mean i knew about him from the internets but i we were not pals i'll tell you what made it easy for us to be pals two things two tech possible techniques number one we like to go to the dog park with our dogs our dogs like to play together the dog park with our dogs. Our dogs

like to play together. Dog owner thing. That's one thing. That's one good thing. Number two, we took Spanish class together. Now, granted, we both didn't do very well in Spanish class, but I pitched it to him because I knew, oh, his girlfriend is a native

Spanish speaker, and he doesn't speak Spanish just like me. He told you this, or you found this out in your research? I knew this. Via your friendship research. Well, I didn't do the research myself. I hired someone to do the research. But from the dossier that they prepared for me, they suggested that his girlfriend was not a native Spanish speaker. He might be persuaded to take a course.

What about taking a class? What about suggesting taking a cooking class? With this guy? Yeah, with this dude. And present them as a surprise with a sexy senior citizen cooking apron. And they'll open up the box and be like, what's this?

And they'll be like, we're taking cooking lessons. You and me. Thursdays at 8, you have to. I have something then. Just an apron and a certificate. Or a knife set. You would want to include a knife set. Or at least a certificate. A knife set. You would want to include a knife set. Or at least a good chef's knife.

You wouldn't have to put that in the envelope. You could just hand it to them. So they open it, and they see the apron and the certificate. And then you say, you're going to take cooking class with me. And then you hand them the knife, which is a nice big chef's knife just hand him the knife see what i'm saying maybe put some fake blood on the knife just to show them that knives are dangerous exactly yeah for safety like hey i'm looking out for you bud yeah that's good um do you think you could take this do you think you could offer this guy the uh either a camping trip or uh a class you could

take um i think actually in reality both of those would be would be weird but i mean i don't know might as well go balls to the wall with it might as well say like hey i signed us up for a class yeah like let's do this friend friendship or bust is what i'll say let me ask you this your friendship with the lonely sandwich man sure that's a good day boy and it's working out well you can go on Sandy

yeah working out great again in my experience it seems like these kind of friendships can work if one of the guys is this like really cool and laid back about the whole thing do you know what i mean and like isn't self-conscious and thinking about the things that we're talking about you know there has to be one person like that you know what we need here jim real the master of would you rather i feel like that guy could

make that guy could go home he could he could leave work early go home and take a two-hour nap and when he woke up he would have three new friends. Because he's that guy. He's like, he's ready to be pals with anybody. Yeah. He's ready to make friends. Yeah. I think I send out, I hate you waves.

You know? Yeah. But no, this is a personality type. There is this guy who just hangs out. Yeah. And it's easy i think this particular guy i'm thinking of um i think we're both two in our head i think that neither of us is the hangout guy would it be would it work if you guys uh just got drunk and like gave each other hand jobs or something just get it out of the way just get it right out of the way do it first sure well it's you know it's an option i've spent a long time since i've given a hand job guys i know well not since junior high exactly and why why do you think now why do you think well it's

good it's good i'm not gonna embarrass myself by saying would you like a hand job jordan why do you think hj dude hj why do you think all of your best pals are people who've been friends with you since you were 12 or 13 years old? Oh, because I gave them hand jobs right at the top of the relationship. I never even put two and two together. Yeah, you were just thinking it was horny adolescence. Yeah. But actually, it's a pretty direct relationship. Yeah.

Do you think I could join a bowling league? I have a hard time imagining. I was thinking of joining somebody. Bowlers love HJs. Yeah. in a bowling league i have a hard time imagining i was thinking of joining bowlers love hj i had yeah i had put up on i put up on the twitter um and uh on ask meta filter what like athletic activity i could participate in because i was looking for an athletic activity that was an actual sport because i i get really bored of any kind of exercise that doesn't have competition and rules. But also was open to someone who wasn't very good at sports. Sure.

And one of the suggestions was that I should join the Southern California Cricket Association. Wow. Because I guess the idea being that if you're in the United States and you're playing cricket, you're automatically bad, and they're just excited to have a guy playing with them. Yeah. You know what I mean? That be an expensive and that sounds like an investment sounds like cricket requires a lot of very specific equipment but i mean think about the stuff i would have to pick up number one i have to pick up a cricket sweater sounds great i would love to have a reason to get a i already have several number two you'd have to get a of course a cricket sweater vest i've

no problem i'm on top of that. I probably have to get special pants. I'm a boy for getting special pants, you know, like a nice white pant. Yeah. Like a summer pant. Do you need a cozy for your cricket bat? Absolutely. You're going to need a bat cozy. And, of course, a cricket bat.

Cricket bat. But a cricket bat's great because then I could start a fraternity And use it as a paddle Sure You know Paddling bottoms Yeah for paddling bottoms So I'm considering the possibility Of joining a cricket league right now

Because it has to be something that Like me It's an issue of balance here This is the reason why It has to be something that is Gay enough for me You know what I mean? Just to match my just general personal gayness.

And then, but also not gay enough for me because I'm also not gay. Sure. You know what I mean? I do. Like, and also I can't... It can't be like... I'm not going to do any ironic sports. I don't want to be in a dodgeball league. I don't want to be in a kickball league.

I don't want to be in a four-square league. Yeah. I don't want to play ultimate frisbee or juggle. Okay. You know what I mean? You don't want to learn any circus skills. No, I do not. You don't want to acquire any...

Accidentally acquire a circus skill. I do not want to acquire circus skills. John, what's your non... Yeah, what do you do when you're extracurricular? I don't have any. I don't have anything. I was considering, I was considering, I think I mentioned to you, joining an improv group. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, a class to learn because I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. But, hmm, anything. I drink, but I often do that alone. Sure. Yeah, that is definitely something that you don't have in your favor, Jesse, is not drinking. I think that's definitely an enemy to your friend-making and to your general hanging out because, yeah,

I feel like most of the hanging out I do is around. Here's something, actually, that I do do. My friends, you know, the ones that I've been friends with since grade school who hate me, we don't have the organizational skill to get it together to have a poker game or whatever, but occasionally after like i'm talking rounds of like group emailings among the five of us say we'll arrive finally

upon a day say a friday evening where we'll get together and drink and watch bad movies and uh eat eat bad food and we call it manarchy oh what's an example of a bad movie you would watch? Like what? What was the last thing that we watched? Oh, man. You see, what also happens with me is I'm up early, and I usually pass out on the couch. Does Manarchy have a signature drink?

Dark and Stormy's lately. We've got a signature drink. What's in it? I don't know what's in it. What is in a dark and stormy? It's like rum and some kind of juice or something. My friend Howard. Like a grapefruit juice maybe? I don't know.

I stick to scotch. And I usually fall asleep very early on the couch. Have you ever tried a Minnesota Danny before? No. Is it named after Danny Bonaduce? It's named after Dan Aykroyd and Danny DeVito. It's a blend of their signature liquors it's the two dans together at last sure exactly uh you'll have one part of

danny develop danny devito's uh limoncello by the way i've been corrected by several people for saying limoncello just because it's italian and has an i which would be pronounced as an e in italian but danny devito's Limoncello. Sorry. And Dan Aykroyd's Crystal Head Vodka with Canada Dry Ginger Ale in honor of Dan Aykroyd. Oh, you created this? We created it. We theoretically created it.

It's never been actually made yet. We're going to make it. We're going to make it. We're going to make it and drink it on the air. Okay. Seattle, Washington, Monsters of Podcasting. We're making it and drinking it on the air. What do you say? I'll believe that when it happens. Hey. I to make it. We're going to make it and drink it on the air. Okay. Seattle, Washington. Monsters of Podcasting. We're making it and drinking it on the air. What do you say?

I'll believe that when it happens. Hey. I'll drink it. I'll just shove any kind of booze in my fat face. I'm just saying I'm skeptical that it's going to actually happen. I drank Jordan Jesse beer. No, I'm not saying that you won't drink it. I'm just saying I don't think people will get together the ingredients.

I don't think it's going to happen. I'm saying it's pie in the sky you're pie in the sky i i'm happy i'll be happy if it happens i'm just saying it doesn't seem likely sorry uh did you do you have something about about limoncello no but i accidentally bought a bottle of dan akroyd wine Did you know he had some wine? I was going to a dinner party hosted by a fellow radio person and Was it Barbara Budd? It wasn't. It was not Barbara Budd.

And I just was scanning the shelves and I saw this label that had a microphone on it. And I thought, oh, how appropriate. And I bought it and then I noticed on the way there that it was Dan akroyd and his so his thing his uh like emblem was a microphone well because he's famous for uh the time that he was on um uh 50 cents xm radio station uh with a bunch of guys and they were talking about the blues brothers and it was the weirdest thing i ever heard on my on the radio in my entire life and so and he created a wine based around that label

based about raced around him uh completely batshit insane lecturing some kind of secondary members of 50 cents entourage about old blues men wow how was it the day. It was okay. Was it dry? It was made with the spittle that remained in the microphone. They would squeegee it out into a wine goblet and then, I don't know, stomp some grapes in the shit. Have you guys read this new thing that Dan Aykroyd said about the new Ghostbusters movie they're working on? He called it an abomination, did he? No, he's in support of it.

Okay. He's writing it, I think. Apparently, he thinks that the old Ghostbusters are going to be training a bunch of Ghostbusters cadet kids in using all these different technologies. And the impression that I got from this quote that he put out there was that I think he thinks that the technologies in Ghostbusters are real technologies. I think he thinks that they're really fighting ghosts. So it's going to be like an actual serious documentary about a parapsychologist or something. I think that's what he thinks.

I think that's what he thinks Ghostbusters 3 is going to be. I mean, I'm... And it's going to be. I mean, I'm... And it's going to be told from the perspective of the ghosts. Yeah, okay, here we go. This is what the quote was. There will be a whole new generation that has to be trained, and that whole new generation will be led by an individual

who you'll all love when you meet him, but I'm not going to tell you anything yet. There'll be lots of cadets... Slimer. Boys and girls who'll be learning how to use the psychotron the accelerators and all the new stuff the neuron splitter which is going to be

the interplanar interceptor and all of these great tools that they're going to have to flip from dimension to dimension he thinks it's real right? he definitely thinks it's real he's nuts I think we can safely say that he's nuts.

I don't know what how. His video for Crystal Head Vodka has certainly proven that. Yeah. Wasn't there just recently that movie about that dog that doesn't realize that he was in movies? You know what I'm talking about? Oh, Bolt. Bolt. Maybe Dan Aykroyd's sort of like that.

He doesn't realize that he's in movies. Yeah, maybe. Maybe his handlers like have an elaborate uh you know elaborate mythology that they have to stick to yeah yeah it's sort of like a sort of like a uh uh truman show type of situation yeah maybe but with with a lot of actors jesse bolt it's more like bolt sorry i didn't see bolt god well now if you'd say if you told me it was a lot like doogled sure did you just make that word up no that's a movie oh it's like bolt it's an animated movie about a dog okay and it exists right uh i i don't know what doogled is some animated movie about a

dog just like Bolt is. How come you guys know so much about Bolt and so little about Dougald? Because I think, I don't know about Dougald existing. I think Dougald does exist. May not exist. How do you spell it? Don't be jerks, you guys. Is there an umlaut in there? There's not an umlaut.

This is not a something I dreamed. It only has an umlaut if it's something I dreamed. Did you see Hitler's Chihuahua? That's not a real movie. It's about this little doggy that runs around getting into all kinds of misadventures. Now he's making up, you can't just make up movies about dogs. At least Goldstein's movie sounds good. I'd like to see Hitler's Chihuahua. Yeah.

You guys, you guys, Dueled is a real movie. All right. It's a very special Jesse Jordan Go Have you ever cried on the air? Uh oh Okay Yeah Now you guys are

When you start to get too personal Coco gets mad Sorry okay Look we'll be back In just a second But yeah he has cried on the air Like basically every other week It's Jordan Jesse Goh

I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective You're on, Goldstein I am Jonathan Goldstein The Quebecois polygamist Wow I blew it No, no, no, I like that

It had a kind of local flavor That's stupid No What's that kind of cheese curd fries? Poutine? Yeah, what about poutine? Poutine Petey? The poutine polygamist?

Oh. It's kind of got a nice alliteration to it. You're not afraid to fuck around on your home poutine? Go out for some strange curds? Is that good? What's that? Cheese curds and Is that good? What's that? Cheese, curds, and gravy and fries? Wait, can we try it again?

Yeah, sure. Absolutely. Try my name again. No problem. I got something blunt. Okay. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective.

And I'm Jonathan Goldstein, mongerer of horrors. That's not funny. No, it's creepy. What's a mongerer? Like a whoremonger? A mongerer. Yeah. When did you just say

monger of horrors? I should have just said whoremonger. Whoremonger. Whoremonger. There's this guy in... Horror or whore? Whore.

Whoremonger? Whore. You like to pronounce it as like a three-syllable word. Whore? Yeah. Whore. There's a man... there's a West Indian man that sits at the corner of Powell and Market Street

in San Francisco with this huge sign and just accusing people of being whores and whoremongers. Like, it's a biblical thing? It's a biblical thing. It means well. He that lays down with the girl is a whore. She become a whore. And he is a whoremonger. He'll just like yell this.

He'll just point at you and just be like, whore. Whoremonger. That's presumptuous. It is very much so. Is he an older man? He's a middle-aged man. I would put him at 60, 55, 60. So if you're walking down the street with your wife

and he pointed at her and called her he might say whore well how would you react i would say let it go i would say thank you sir okay because i'm not gonna you know he could have crazy man's strength yeah yeah you know what i mean or a crazy man's gun yeah exactly a bible toting man is not afraid to carry a weapon. No. When was the last time you guys got into a street fight? The two of us together or solo? Tag team or solo. In this neighborhood, a lot of times...

Jesse and I just have such different fight styles. I don't like to... Not that it gets him personally. Do you do the Dutch windmill where you just flail your arms around? Exactly. Okay. I do jujitsu. Brazilian jujitsu.

Yeah, Jesse's more about grappling, and I'm more about kind of a wild, imprecise flailing. So Jesse, he has his thing. He likes to get in close, take down pressure points. Prav Maga. And I just... Prav Maga. I carry a baton

have we talked about the woman who I would always pass when I was on my way to high school when I was on my way to high school on the bus

and she would just go down Brotherhood Way this sort of like a big empty street in San Francisco and she kind of an overweight middle-aged

African-American lady in sweats power walking with just a police baton in her hand was she twirling just ready to just kick anybody's ass that came by wow that's good works right if you're gonna rape somebody are you gonna rape the lady who has a police baton in her hand or the lady who doesn't

have a police baton in her hand well depends on how much rapist cachet you want when you're hanging around the fact the rape club sure later having a stogie and a scotch and then do they say to each other like i'm feeling rapey you feeling rapey no i'm kind of i'm kind of blah lately kiss of the mondays um speaking of how we're gonna feel about uh this whole rape bit that we just did later, one of our most popular segments on the show is called Moments of Shame. In this segment, we ask you, the listener, to call in and share with us your greatest moments of embarrassment and shame in your lives. We've got some great calls this week. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, it's Corey in New York.

You guys brought back moments of shame. It's just the right time. I've been dating a girl for a few weeks now and it's going really well. I really liked her. And I brought her home last weekend for the first time. And the next day she was telling me that she had a lot of bruises on her, which I thought was odd. And then later that night, my roommate told me that he had had a bed bug infestation for the past couple of weeks and had decided not to tell anyone.

And she found out about that, and she dumped me. So things could be going better there. He's got bedbugs. Yeah. I mean, it sounds like it probably wasn't a... I mean, if you're, you know, she's probably looking for a reason to dump him. I'm sorry, dude. I mean, I don't want to be a...

I'm not trying to be a dick here, but... It sounds like if she dumps you because of bedbugs, it was probably... You don't know about bedbugs, though. I don't know. I feel like parasites and weevils, like a strong relationship, can withstand that sort of thing. Weevils?

Yeah. Even weevils? Yeah, even weevils. What about like a squirmy little maggot? Yeah, I don't know. It was probably just one of those things. She saw her opening and she took it. What if one day you raise your arm to put underarm deodorant under your arm

and there was a squirmy maggot there and it was because of a new boyfriend's apartment? Wouldn't you break up with that guy? I don't know. Even if you kind of liked him? Let me put it another way. Let's say she was going to kiss you and a maggot came out of her mouth. Yeah. Or like a bunch of maggots.

Still kiss her on the lips? Yeah. And her eyes turned red. Do you love her that much? You know, I do, guys. I really do. What if she had cloven hooves? Where her feet should be.

You know, the heart wants what it wants, guys. Fair enough. Any maggot- spewing goat lady. I didn't mean to cut you off there, Jordan. No, it's fine. I just wanted to talk about a maggot spewing goat lady. Hey, Jordan. How do you go?

I have a moment of shame. This happened probably when I was in fifth grade, so that would make me something years old, maybe 10 or 11. I'm not really sure. I forget. So this is only understandable if you understand that I was a huge believer in the put two names together, and they are living up in a tree, and then they get married, and they have a baby. and they are living up in a tree, and then they get married, and they have a baby. That song, like, the fact that if someone found out that I had a crush on a girl,

I was absolutely mortified. That would be hypothetical. But either way, I had to pick a password for some online math course my mom was doing for me. And my password for all of my things was this girl, the name of a girl that I really had a crush on named Melanie. And I was just, like, obsessed with her. But no one can know, obviously, because that would be shaming to no amount. So anyway, I picked that password. seeming to know no amount.

So anyway, I picked that password, and then I'm listening, and he's like, all right, all right, get your mom on the phone. And so she gets on the phone, and he's like, all right. She just talks a little bit, and then he's like, your son's password is M-E-L-A-N-I-E. And I just hung up the phone. I was so ashamed. And I just felt so bad.

And to this day, I've never talked to my mom about it. And I still feel a little ashamed about it. Why does he feel ashamed? Now, I played this because he clearly is consumed by shame about this. He's clearly at a walk-a-thon or a fun run. Yeah. It was windy and he was out of breath. Yeah.

He's out of breath, I think, because he's punched in the gut by the shame of his mom finding out the name of a girl that he had a crush on in sixth grade. I think he didn't get to the part where he mentions that his mom's name is Melanie. Oh. Okay. uh the idea of sitting down and talking about a relationship or a romance thing with my parents is pretty odd to me i mean i still i still don't don't do it um yeah i i uh yeah it's odd i i i feel a lot of embarrassment when maybe it's probably just you know something that wasn't talked about in my house a lot um but yeah i totally feel like just, you know, something that wasn't talked about in my house a lot. But, yeah, I totally feel, like, embarrassed about, you know, it's just not something that comes up between me and my parents, like, you know, issues of romance.

Anyway. Yeah, I find it even, I don't know about you guys, but I find it even weirder talking to my dad than my mom about it for some reason. about it for some reason. Recently I asked him, because I found as I'm getting older, I find myself actually feeling attracted to older women, which is cool. Which is something unexpected and a nice thing that comes with age. It's a little benefit.

So I asked my dad about it. He's in his 70s and he ended up just giving me more information about it than I wanted. I couldn't stop him. It opened the floodgates. It was a lot. It opened the floodgates. It was a lot.

It was a lot of information. That was a piece of, that was like the only piece of advice my dad ever gave me in his life. He was like, don't worry because as you get older, you just find more women attractive. You see that? And that, and that was it, right? He didn't go into any details about his love life with, with your mom or anything as my dad is want to do. Oh my goodness gracious.

Well, this next moment of shame, a little bit more of just a traditional, this would be a good one for the Boner Society. Oh, yeah. Your Boner Society, not the one that the alternate 1930s Boner Society that you proposed earlier on in our conversation. Yo, Jordan, Jesse, this is a call about moments of shame coming from Carl from Michigan. This is from when I was in high school.

I'm 23 now, so, you know, at most I had been driving two years. And I came home from high school one day, my awesome Toyota Corolla, and lo and behold, there were construction dudes in my subdivision. Now, where I live, this is not usual because this is a very new area and things aren't usually in need of repair. And these guys had cordoned off an area with cones and I slowed down to see what was up. And then they moved to the side just to let me through. So I drive past and lo and behold, I am stuck in wet concrete.

And apparently I was not supposed to drive through, and they were moving to the side for some other reason. So I sit completely embedded in wet concrete with scary, big, burly construction men around me, and I did not know what to do. And what I decided to do was to just floor it. I floored it, and I got home, and I hid in my house because I thought that if I went outside, they would beat me up. And meanwhile, the concrete is drying on my car,

and I eventually got it off, and I think they had to start over. But I think the moral of this story is that if you're in a union, you don't care when stuff like that happens because they just got paid more to do it again. All right? Love the show. Bye. Kind of an interesting moral he picked up out of that. Yeah. I think they did

chase him in trying... The union men are lazy. Yeah, union men don't care. I mean, really, that's not really a function of whether or not they're in the union. They're probably non-union laborers probably getting paid hourly as well. It's due to the fact that they're Italians. Jordan, look, they're not all Italians, okay?

Some of them are Irish. And the moments of shame, this is sort of like a church confessional, right? You cannot go to the authorities with anything that anyone calls up, right? Oh, absolutely, yeah. You can't turn anyone in for the reward money. Okay. Yeah, legally speaking. All right.

Why, did you have a moment of shame you wanted to share, or were you going to fink on them? Well, I just thought maybe the authorities should have been alerted about what this guy had done. Yeah. No, I mean, that's city money, you know? Speaking of finks, Jordan, you may remember a few weeks ago I had a few choice words for certain finks in Portland, Oregon, who were listening to Jordan Jesse go, then telling my sister-in-law things that I had said on Jordan Jesse go. My sister-in-law was then telling my wife things that I had said on Jordan Jesse go, and then I was getting in trouble for those things. That's terrible.

Questionable behavior finks. Well, guess what? Now my wife and the Finks are in league. Oh, boy. My wife went to Portland to visit my sister-in-law, her sister, and she met the Finks in person. You mean she sought them out? Yes.

Oh, my God. It's like you have a nemesis now. It's sick. It's a sick, fucked-up world that we're living in. That's more than Finkdom. That's mean. That's a sick, fucked up world that we're living in. That's more than finkdom. That's mean. That's like super villain. These people.

These people. That's it. That's the end. These people. I can't believe it. I cannot believe that people would treat me this way. Wait, so your wife got together with him? I'm just trying to entertain people, Jonathan.

I know. You don't have to tell me. I'm just trying to bring a smile Jonathan. I know. You don't have to tell me. I'm just trying to bring a smile to people's faces. Are you crying? I don't want to cry. Not really, not. Just a little. I just...

Do you want your binky? Do you want your baba? Do you have my binky? I have your nana. Why do you have my nana? Do you want an H-J? We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. It's Jordan and Jesse Go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jonathan Goldstein. Poutine? No, it was a bad suggestion. I steered you in the wrong direction. Oh, mongerer of whores, I think is what we... Putina Yethers.

Yes, sure. Good. The Canadian Tina Yethers. Sure. It's a cheese curd, right? Yes, it is. It's cheese curds, gravy, and french fries. Is it good? It's better than good. It's wonderful.

To describe it as those three things is to be describing life-sustaining water as just a you know, a couple atoms of hydrogen and some oxygen. You know, it comes together and it really creates its own molecule. Where do you, like, is there a particular poutine restaurant that people go to? A poutinerie? Yeah, sure. Interestingly. Poutineria? There are some that I have that are favorites.

I had a longstanding argument. I'm talking for years with my friend Josh about the existence of this poutine place. I said it existed. He said that it didn't, much like the argument that we had about, what was it called? Doggy Doo? What was the name of your movie that was real, that you can remember the name of it? Dueled. It's a real movie.

Okay. There was a place called Rasputin, which was a big picture of Rasputin outside eating poutine. And he claimed that this didn't exist. And we argued about it for years. And then I found one or two references to it when the internet came along. So I feel like I won that one. You're a winner. I would say that finding a reference to that qualifies as a momentous occasion.

Yeah, me too. On this program, as you know, you're a regular Jordan Jesse Go listener. I would say that finding a reference to that qualifies as a momentous occasion, wouldn't you say? Yeah, you do. On this program, as you know, you're a regular Jordan Jessigo listener. I am very much, yeah. We ask our listeners to call in when something momentous happens to them for a segment called Momentous Occasions. Hi, Jordan Jessigo. This is Ariel living in Tampa, Florida. I download the podcast and listen to it. Anyway, so— One of the best ways. I download the podcast and listen to it. Anyway, so...

One of the best ways. I have a momentous occasion. I'm about to file my tax return myself, by myself, all by myself, for the first time in my entire life. I'm sitting at my computer in my studio. Before she was doing that. I'm an artist. Wesley Snipes shit.

It makes taxes complicated and hard to understand. But anyway, so, yeah. So, Transmit returns now. And I'm pressing the button. It says updating. Updating. Updating. Enhance.

Updating. Enhance. You've just filed your taxes. Yes. Yay. I just filed them. She seems so happy, right? She was so happy.

And I like that because she called in as it just happened. Have you ever had one of those? That's what we're looking for. It is. People try and do that sometimes. I like as it happens when we're doing it. I think that's great. Sure.

Did you file your taxes, Jordan? I did, yeah. You have taxes in Canada? We do. We do. I file both American and Canadian taxes. That's double taxes. So you have Uncle Sam in your pockets as well as Uncle Bear in your pockets.

Uncle Bear. Uncle Bear, the classic symbol of the canadian federation sure um plus you have to deal with spendocrats here in the united states and of course socialists in canada spendo labor uh-huh uh i once uh filed my own income tax and i wouldn't do it again because Gesundheit, but I learned a lot. Like, did you know that there are, this is kind of awful, there's clauses for, like, if your kid was kidnapped during the fiscal year. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's a thing. Isn't that crazy?

Yeah, there's rules for when you can and can't claim. If there's a reasonable expectation that you can get your kid back, then you can claim your kidnapped child as a dependent. Is that so? Yeah, that's so. If you're not getting body parts mailed to you, then you can. Well, it depends how many body parts you've gotten so far. Yeah, and which ones, I guess.

If you've gotten four fingers, say, and if you've gotten one arm, then you're still in the clear. But if you get all the arms and legs, then there's no longer a reasonable expectation that the child is still alive. Wow. Hi, my name is Amber. I go by Amber P. But in the MaxFun community, I'm known as Honeysuckle Duvet.

And my momentous occasion is that I'm here at the Boston Burlesque Expo and I just won Most Beautiful. Most Beautiful. About loving my body and body image and being yourself and it got a standing ovation. People were crying and inspired and felt

really good about themselves and I felt inspired and was crying and felt good about myself. Oh, don't choke up. Don't choke up. really good about themselves. And I felt inspired and was crying and felt good about myself. And I said, oh, don't choke up. Don't choke up. And I just wanted to share that with you. And, yeah, thank you so much for the name, guys, and Jonathan Colson.

Bye. Touching, right? Yeah. This was so touching that Honeysuckle duvet was kind enough to call in and share this with us that i am not even going to make fun of something that's about body image which is like such a breakthrough for me to have someone do a project on body image and then i'm not making fun of it because it's too touching it's too great great, right? John, I don't know if you heard the episode. She is a burlesque dancer who needed a new name. Oh.

And we gave her that name. And I guess using the confidence that she got from our awesome name, she won the coveted Most Beautiful Award. Using her solo that was about body image. Wow. And everybody there was was about body image. Wow. And everybody there was crying and standing up. It's awesome. It's great.

It's fucking great, right? Right? Come on. Way to go, Honeysuckle Duvet, right? Also us. Yes, especially. We're doing such a good job on the name. How about this?

Especially us. I'm going to have this lifesaver. Jordan, we're on the air. You can't eat lifesavers on the air. Come on. We're so great. Okay. We are pretty great.

Hi, Jordan and Jesse. This is Debbie in Indianapolis, and I have a momentous occasion to report. I'm making bread for dinner right now, and I thought about telling you that I was also wearing the Jordan and Jesse Go shirt I have, but I know how much you hate bullshit. So even though I do own one, I'm not wearing that shirt. They smell delicious. Bye. Now, Breg, she's saying, is what she calls egg in middle of bread. Some would call toad in the hole.

Others would call one-eyed sandwich. There's been many, many suggestions for names for cutting a hole in a piece of bread and then frying an egg in the hole. Now, of course, it's self-evident to me that it's egg in the middle of bread, but, you know, whatever. So this is sort of a dual momentous occasion. And second, most important, she's not bullshitting us. Yeah.

And I'm so tired. Coming out against bullshit. There's two things that I'm tired of, Jonathan. Number one, it's people bullshitting me. Number two, it's people bullshitting me number two it's finks so between finks and bullshitters i think this world's going to hell in a handbasket unless we get more people like these good people like a honeysuckle duvet like a lady who's making brag whose name i don't remember right now these people are salt of the earth these people people are doing the Lord's work. They're not calling into shows and trying to lie to them.

Yep, you're right. You're right about all that. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jonathan Goldstein. Putina Yeathers. Yep. go i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective jonathan goldstein putina yethers yep it's good enough right when you combine jordan i'm not sitting i'm not a

bullshit artist that's a c plus b minus nickname whoa but coming from you thank you but jonathan goldstein's what an a plus guest radio guest, radio host, and author, right? Absolutely. There's no doubt about that. So that averages out to an A because it's so good of an A-plus. He got so many extra credit points in the areas of guest, radio host, author. You see what I'm saying? Yeah, but I didn't want to just go.

He had more than 100%. So he averages out to 94%, which is a solid A. Yeah. That's a regular A, not even an A-. You're in A territory. You're a solid A, Jonathan Goldstein. A solid A. And we thank you and salute you.

Grazie. De nada. Je te kuste. La plume de ma tante. Another language. je custe le plume de ma tante another language man that was a fun show huh Jordan absolutely okay so what do we got

on the is this the after show this is the outro post show post show fun show we got we're still asking

for moments of shame of course we've got the great crest and the boner society brainstorming going on on the forum right now we've got a t Crest and the Boner Society brainstorming going on on the forum right now. We've got a t-shirt contest for the upcoming pledge drive. You can vote on the forum right now. We've got Jonathan Goldstein's radio program, Wiretap, which you can listen to either at,

I'm thinking cbc.ca slash wiretap, or if, let's just say, you wanted to get the podcast, Jonathan Goldstein couldn't provide it to you. But if you were to combine the words unofficial podcast and wiretap into a Google search, I bet you could come up with one. Jonathan Goldstein has this great new book called Ladies and Gentlemen, the Bible. It's hilarious retellings of Bible stories in the style of the best-Selling Book, The Gospel According to Biff. Which I'm unaware of this book. Which none of us.

This is a doogled situation, Jesse. Goldstein, how much longer are you on your book tour? Just got a few more days and that's it. Okay, so they won't be able to see you on your book tour. Oh, well, no, they won't be able to. This isn't live, right? No, it won't be out for a few days. Okay.

So you won't be able to see Jonathan on his book tour. However, you will be able to see his book in bookstores everywhere, ladies and gentlemen, the Bible. If you don't buy it, you're probably a fucking idiot. Jesse. You know what level of idiot you are if you don't buy jonathan goldstein's book 94 solid a yeah which is coincidentally the same level of idiot you are if you don't buy uh andy daly cd yeah wow this is jesse's highest level of endorsement andy devil andy daly cd previously

products that have received this endorsement casper hauser sky mall and andy daly cd nine sweaters i've given it to Jonathan Goldstein's book Ladies and gentlemen the Bible If you don't buy it you're a fucking idiot That's the end of the story That's the end of the story Jordan Game set match The victory to Yvonne Lendl

That's me I'm the Yvonne Lendl of recommending Humorous media products Okay 206-9844-FUN If you have thoughts about the show recommending humorous media products. Okay. 206-9844-FUN. If you have thoughts about the show, you want to give us a momentous occasion,

a moment of shame. How do dudes make friends with dudes? Yeah, how do dudes make friends with dudes? If you want to recommend your strategy for... I'd also maybe like to hear a lady's perspective on this. Like, is it, you know... What's it like for a lady? Is it easier for ladies in this situation? How does it feel for a lady? Is it easier for ladies in this situation? How does it feel for a lady?

That's what we're asking here. Are we just big? And you could also email jjgoe at maximumfun.org. Our theme music, Love You by the Free Design, courtesy of Light in the Attic Records. And we'll see you next week

right here on Jordan Jesse Go.