Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 97: Minnesota Danny

Episode Date: May 1, 2009

Jesse and Jordan are live in Seattle with the Monsters of Podcasting.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, brandy, maggoty, lanky, twiddle, dumby, fiddly, palm tree. This week on Jordan, Jesse, go.

Our program recorded live in Seattle, Washington at Central Cinema is part of the Monsters of Podcasting Tour. Let's go. Oh, having fun, huh, Jordan? Yep. It's Jordan Jesse Goy. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Ah.

Great to be here, Seattle, Washington, the city with broad shoulders. Sure, absolutely. Oh, God, do I love this. The old rat absolutely. Oh, God. The old rat trap. Amazing. You know what I had to go through to get here, Jordan? Yeah, I mean, I do. You flew here on an airplane. Because you were bitching about it about an hour.

I flew here on an airplane with my driver. It turns out if your driver's license is expired, they won't rent you a car. And calling the Department of Motor Vehicles. I mean, to be fair, expired license plus blood on your hands. Well, to be really fair, expired license, blood on my hands. Not human blood.

It was not human blood. If they did a simple DNA test, they wouldn't figure that out. And I was holding a pig fetus, which would have been the easy way to figure it out. I know. Because you've got to figure it came from the pig. Not real thorough it hurts. No, not at all. They're just reactionaries.

They just react. You know what got me through it, Jordan? Hmm? Being prepared. Like, see that case right down over there? It's where we bring the microphones in? Yes. Number one, it's got a red, white, and blue luggage strap for America. Thank you. That's right. You guys love it.

Number two. I did some research before I bought this case. I wanted to buy the best case. Shark proof. It said that. Shark proof. Yeah. They'll eat anything.

Is that a concern for people who are purchasing cases? Whether or not a shark will eat it? are purchasing cases? Whether or not a shark will eat it. What would you put in a case that you would then have to survive a shark attack? I think it's foolish. Shark food that you

wanted to eat later? Am I the only one? I guess I am. Am I the only one concerned about octopi? Way smarter than a shark. I know, they could operate the latches. Sure, if you gave them enough know. They could operate the latches. Sure. If you gave them enough time. They could trick you into buying a timeshare.

These are all octopus concerns I have. He's got a list, folks. He's got a list. Jordan, I have a question for you. The reason that I'm able to spend my days flying into strange cities, no offense, and doing these kind of exciting

shark-proof entertainment programs is because I don't have a real job. I'm a public radio host. I just, you know, what do I do? Nothing really. For those of you who don't know jesse makes a radio show uh in his house yeah like literally in my apartment and i'm usually not dressed yeah if somebody's coming over

you'll dress i'll dress you know it's just like basic stuff but you actually work you only had to get actual time off work yeah i work in a real office. Yeah, I work in an office situation, a pretty standard. It's a big room, and there's four desks, and people are coming and going. It's an office. It's the usual. Just imagine any extreme sports television program that you've ever worked on. It's like that. Yeah.

It's really typical. Anyways, and here's something that I have to deal with a lot working in an office environment that you don't. And I don't know, maybe, Jesse, maybe if this whole radio thing doesn't work out for you, you will have to go into office work, maybe temping. Jordan, I've got to be honest with you. The radio thing is not working out for me, and I am stuck with it.

Well, I mean, soon your wife will leave you. Fair enough. And the natural reaction to that is temp jobs. Okay, sure. Anyways, so a phenomenon that other people who have office close quarters jobs might know about is whether you're in a conversation or not, Whether you're in a conversation or not, having to at least listen to a conversation that you might find obnoxious or retarded. And I feel like I'm in these a lot.

Your co-workers or satellite work people or someone visiting the office will start a conversation, one that I don't want to listen to, but I'm kind of forced to participate at least by hearing it. And here's what I wanted to do, Jesse. I have a couple of conversation scenarios. I have the beginnings to some conversations that you might overhear, and I just want to hash this out with you. I think between us, we should decide which of these is a worse conversation to have to listen to. Okay. Given these opening lines, which of these will be the most annoying conversation?

Which of these is the worst conversation that's usually going on, say, in the cubicle next to you? Sure, sure. Okay. I'll give you two options, and then we'll hash this out. Option one. I'm fine if people want to be religious. Just don't shove it in my face. There's nowhere good that that conversation can go.

Keep in mind this is an office, not a dorm room. Okay. So basically if you're in a dorm room, we can let that one slide. If you have a collection of Smirnoff ice bottles on a windowsill, we'll go ahead and say that's okay. Usual suspects poster. Sure. Lord of the Rings box set. Absolutely. Okay.

But not in a professional situation. No, absolutely not. Not even business casual. Thing number two. I understand oppression because my family is Irish. Again, that's not... So which of these is something you would want to... And keep in mind, these are the starts of 20-minute, 30-minute conversations.

So gut reaction, what are you thinking? You know, my initial reaction is to go Ireland. Of course, because I work in public media, I've experienced a lot of Ireland-related PBS specials. Sure. Can I claim that because I'm a public radio host? That's why I'm watching them? Why am I watching them?

Why am I watching them? You know, like where three fat guys are singing Danny Boy and then they're selling you the DVD at the break? You know what I'm talking about? No, I don't. But yes, so... And I'm the hip public radio guy, right? Yeah. Okay, so that's...

It could possibly lead to a parade. That's another downside. Yeah, absolutely. So both of these, I think... Okay, I think here's the... The thing about the religious thing is that it's said loud and in such a way so that if there is a religious person within earshot, he's basically doing it to start a fight because he wants to fight in the office for some reason. Right.

Because he's mad about his upbringing. Because he knows who in the office is religious. Sure, yes, absolutely. Who goes to church, who wears crucifix around their neck. Sure. Who wears a papal, a pope, one of those. Yeah.

Who may or may not have played bass for Creed at one point. Right. Exactly. So, yeah. Who's always talking about Billy Graham's son's tattoos? Sure. Something, something Stephen Baldwin. So one of those, so I have a feeling that the Irish thing,

people will just glaze over while the person talks about their Irish pride, how it causes them to be able to hold their liquor, and then for them to list off five other nationalities. Czech, Dutch, and a little Cherokee. And you could just, you know, that'll happen. Your eyes can glaze over, and you can just, like, ignore them. And there's possible positives. There's positives to it.

If not all people who claim Irish, well not all people who claim Irish heritage are at least three generations away from Ireland. But some might, for example, belong to an Irish-American social club. Okay. Which is a big positive. I'm guessing that the person who is loudly declaring this in my office does not. Is not a member of the social club. That's true. Yeah.

So, I don't know. Let's make a decision here. What do you think? I'm going to say that the worst one is the Irish one. You're right. Thank you. Congratulations. Give him a hand, folks.

Thanks, folks. You think you've got time for one more? Thanks for your support. Absolutely. That's okay. Let's do one more. I'm one for one so far. Okay.

Thing one. I'm really good at this. You know who's great live? Thing two. You know what I just heard from different corners of this room, just sort of like a sound bouncing back and forth? Oh, so motley. Oh, so motley.

Oh, so motley., Oso Motley. Spearhead featuring Michael Franti. Thing two. It's like Vermont in the fall, Seattle in the evening. Sure. Michael Franti, Michael Franti. Thing two. Well, technically, I don't consider myself a Republican or a Democrat.

That's thing two. So which is worse? I mean, I guess it's possible that the person who says, you know who's great live would say Neil Young or something like that. Yeah, this can be anything. This can be Neil Young, Death Cab for Cutie. KRS-One. It's probably KRS-One. It may or may not be. Could be anything. Could be Depe Young, Death Cab for Cutie. KRS-One. It's probably KRS-One. It may or may not be. Could be anything.

Could be Depeche Mode for all we know. If it's KRS-One, you know what you should really be saying? You know who's apeshit bonkers? KRS-One. Yes. Yeah. And here's the thing. I, you know, music journalism is a great thing when done right.

Grill Marcus? Sure, someone else. Two for two. But I'm guessing that the person in your office saying this is a dummy and just, you know who's great live? Depeche Mode. Very powerful. Great story. I'm glad I listened to that. You know who's great live? Depeche Mode. Very powerful.

Great story. I'm glad I listened to that. Wow, they're really powerful? Oh, my God. It's less impactful for the listener. You paint such a picture. The listener of Depeche Mode. Didn't take E first.

Yes, there you go. The person telling the story was on the E when they went to the Depeche Mode show. So that was one. And the other one, okay, so what are your immediate feelings on? Well, I don't consider myself a Republican or a Democrat. Well, they're probably going to talk to you about Ron Paul. That's one of my concerns. My initial concern.

Dr. Ron Paul, Jesse. I know that if I hear the words Ron Paul or if I hear Peter Conejo, I'm out of there. Somebody might say they just like to know what Ariana Huffington thinks on something because she's independent-minded. You don't have to run,

but if you hear Dennis Kucinich, just pretend you've fallen asleep on your desk. Or under your desk. That's where you hide your snacks. Oh, gosh. Because it's going to be a long talk.

Yeah, I have a feeling that the concert one is going to be short. If you ignore it, they'll stop. But I think that the politics one is more obnoxious because there's passion behind it. They do about 50% hits, 50% new stuff. But the new stuff sounds really great.

Yeah, totally great live. Okay. Send something about B-sides. Well, I'm, after careful consideration, and given my concerns about various members of the Green Party, I'm going to go technically I'm not a Democrat or a Republican. Guess what, Jesse, you're right. Yes!

Congratulations. Congratulations. You're well on your way to being an office dick. Oh, thank you so much, Jordan. Thank you so much. Man, I was really good at that game. You were good at that. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love we only do it for two weeks, but we need to do it because your support is what buys the fuel that powers the speedboat of MaximumFun.org. Right now at MaximumFun.org, you can pledge to make a monthly donation to support this thing. It can be $2 a month, $5, $10, $20, $100, or $200. If you care about this thing, we've got a donation level you can afford.

And here's the best part of all. When you give, you get presents. I'll be back in a little bit to talk more about the thank you gifts we're offering this year, but for now, let's get back to the stage of Central Cinema in Seattle. Uh, hey, you know what I'm not good at? Uh, yeah, I do. Can I guess? You may. Um, I'm just going to guess based on some past...

Based on the plan we made earlier. Well, I know that this has been a problem for you in your life, Jordan. The problem of... And it's a problem for a lot of people who fancy themselves to be humorous. It's the problem of entering a social situation. You're talking to people, and you make a joke that you think is great, and it's upsetting or bothersome to the people that you're with. Yes, this is a frequent problem.

And because I'm such a performer, and because I have a theater background, Doug Gibbs, our town, high school. I have a theater background. Doug Gibbs, our town, high school. Because I have a theater background, I instinctively sell a joke. The eyebrows go up. I'm speaking to the balcony.

He has a bottle of seltzer that he carries with him. Sure, exactly. I have an iPhone app that's a rim shot. I don't have an iPhone app that's a rim shot. I don't have an iPhone. So yeah, I make these situations worse by performing the joke. And even pausing for the laugh, too. Because that's something else you have to learn in theater, pause for the laugh. But I'm pausing for the glares, basically.

I'm pausing for the glares, basically. I'm pausing for the contempt. Is this something that is on your mind currently because of a particular instance of making a bad decision? Yes, it is, Jesse. Okay. Want to hear about it? Well, it's in the plan. Okay. So as Jesse mentioned earlier, my job is working for an extreme sports television show. It doesn't just cover...

Action sports, Jordan. Action sports, I'm sorry. It doesn't just cover extreme sports, but it covers, you know, just kind of anything young dude related, anything that could potentially sell a Slim Jim to someone. As a good rule of thumb that I might have to work at it. And so I was in Las Vegas.

Now, I want to, for people who don't know the show, are you extreme at all? No. No, not in the least. Do you know how to surf a board? In a pinch, but I won't enjoy it. I'll have a puss on the whole time.

I'll just be, no. I wish I was warmer. Let's just say you were called upon. My butt feels funny. Let's just say you were called upon to perform in a professional inline skating context. Would you rise to the occasion? No, no, absolutely not. So you're not, you're culturally, there may be some difference between you and some of your colleagues. Yes, I mean, yes, sure,

absolutely. Anyways, we were in Las Vegas and at the Hard Rock Hotel. It's sort of like, it's a little bit like when I go to like a public radio conference and reference something that's happened since 1965. Yes, absolutely. Yes, it's exactly like that. So anyways, I'm at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino, and they have a thing every Sunday called Rehab. Sunday morning, a thing called rehab goes on. And it's a cute, cheeky joke because it's kind of meant to be the after party to Saturday night. It's a big Sunday pool party. It's very boozy. It's a very loud thing. How would you compare this to the House of Blues Sunday gospel brunch? I would say it is 90% more like MTV's The Grind. Okay.

Fair enough. And the Gospel Sunday is a little bit like The Grind. This is basically identical. Gospel Sunday is sort of like 10% The Grind, 90% Blue Brothers 2000. 120 minutes. Sorry. 120 minutes. That's a really specific reference.

Thank you. So anyway, so this thing is like the grind. We will be graded after the show on the specificity of our references. So anyway, so I'm at this thing, and there's a lot of butts are being shaken. Okay. Not mine. I don't like to move in a rhythmic way, really. I'll do like a funny walk if Train in Vain comes on.

Sure. I'll do a funny walk, maybe a little shoulder dance to Train in Vain. Do we have that queued up? No, that's fine. But your mother gave it to you you and you don't see any need to sure yeah right to display it in some sort of it's between you and your mother sure and god i understand and dr ron paul um did you know that about dr ron Paul? He calls in Jordan to give him a little of the old...

Are you implying that I blow Ron Paul? Are you just lying before a packed house that me and Ron Paul have some sort of fellatio arrangement? No, a sexy dance. Just a sexy dance. I'm sorry. Well, it's the blowjob thing, so just for future reference. Sorry. Excuse me.

No, no, no problem. Sorry if I'm trying to be classy. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. So anyway, so I'm uncomfortable with this thing, and if I could sum up the crowd to this thing, If I could sum up the crowd to this thing, it would be that everyone there's greatest aspiration in life is to someday own either a jet ski or another jet ski. A lot of... For races. Sure, right.

A lot of tribal tattoos. By non-tribesmen. Right. Yes. And a lot of, like, t-shirts that, like, trick someone into looking at your penis. They've got those now. So anyway, so I'm uncomfortable and decide to get drunk. Right.

Booze is available to me. I mean, this is the Hard Rock Cafe, so... That's right. Less Claypool, anyone? Less Claypool, anyone? Anyone? So anyway, so I'm drunk, and find myself talking to this woman, and for some reason the subject is her tattoos.

Sure. And she's telling me the new tattoo. Sometimes when people have tattoos, it just comes up somehow. Sure. And she's telling me the new tattoo. Sometimes when people have tattoos, it just comes up somehow. Sure. And she's telling me about the new tattoos she wants to get. And she's like, I want to get two quotes down each of my sides. One, I want to say, just breathe.

That's quote one. It's a famous quote. Is that Thoreau? Is that from Walden? I think that's from Walden. It's from Walden. Okay. Oh, it's from the Island of the Blue Dolphin.

I want one quote to say, just breathe. And I haven't figured out what I want the other one to say yet. And I suggest, how about you make it say, you gotta come back with me, Marty, back to the future. Those popular quotes. And then I am looked at like some sort of vomiting leper. When in fact, you're like a human Bartlett's quotation. Yeah, and she says, what does that mean?

And I said, well, it's a very popular quote from Back to the Future. And then I left. So, that happened. She had a strong interest in them being symmetrical, I left. So that happened. She had a strong interest in them being symmetrical, I think. Yeah, it had to be another kind of short, pithy word. Yours might have been a little wordy. Sure, it's a little wordy. And it's going to be in Old English, too.

I feel like somebody's just going to punch you. Like a lady. Sure. Specifically, a lady is going to punch you. A girl is not going to punch you because they know, you know, what are they going to prove. Exactly. But a lady could punch you. Sure, absolutely.

At a pool party? You bet. Oh, yeah. And I'm drunk, too, so I'll just go down. I will go down hard. You'll probably die in the pool. Sure. Here's hoping. Yeah. I don't really wish death upon my best friend. Yeah, I will go down hard. You'll probably die in the pool. Sure. Here's hoping. Yeah. I don't really wish death upon my best friend. I'm great.

So that was something. Well, I think that's sort of like a leitmotif in your life. Yeah. Just make a joke. The kind of joke that you'd feel comfortable repeating here, but shouldn't have said to a drunk lady at the Hard Rock Cafe pool party. Make a joke, slink away. We're in Seattle, Washington.

Sure. The great city, beautiful city of Seattle, Washington. Home of Mr. Ken Griffey Jr. Sure. Mr. John Space Needle. It's the Space Needle's first name. I had assumed it was the man who created, who the Space Needle was named after. No, the Space Needle is actually on the city council.

Oh. He has a little office. He doesn't go into it, but it's like a formal. He ran for mayor, but he lost. Sure. In this scenario. To that famous donut shop. You guys have a famous donut shop here?

Donuts in Portland. Ah, fuck. What's it called? Top Pot? Top Top? Pit Pot? Top Gear. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love pledge at, you get a MaxFun pack. That's a letterpress printed Maximum Fun Club membership card and some of our awesome stickers. We've got new designs, by the way.

But if you give more, you get more. Give five bucks a month or more and you'll get our new MaxFun shirt designed by the winner of our MaxFun t-shirt contest. It's only available during this pledge drive. Plus, you'll get the MaxFun pack. Give 10 or 20 bucks a month and you'll get all of the above. Thank you. or Larry Wilmore's book or the new Mitch Hedberg CD or a deluxe edition of the graphic novel Ghost World or any one of a bunch of other great thank you gifts. Give $100 a month and you're one of Jordan's Platinum Angels.

You'll get all of the above, all the stuff we just mentioned, plus dinner in L.A. with Jesse and friends the night before MaxFunCon or lunch with Jesse some other time when you're in town. Give $200 a month and you're one of Jesse's Golden Eagles. You'll get all of the above, the shirt, a prize, the MaxFun pack, lunch in L.A. with Jesse, plus free priority registration at MaxFunCon 2010. Look, whether you make a little bit of money or a lot, you can help support the work we're doing here at MaximumFun.org during this pledge drive.

Just visit us online and click on Donate and watch the good karma and the great presents come rolling in. Anyway. Have you watched Top Gear before? Isn't that a Game Gear game? Isn't that a game for the Sega Game Gear? Okay, Top Gear is a BBC show that is the least thing of any show on television. It is less of a thing than Flavor of Lover or Brett the Hitman Heart in Love or whatever it's called. Hacksaw Jim Duggan in Love.

Yeah. This is what happens on this show. Like, I saw somebody, I asked on... This is Top Gear you're talking about. Top Gear. It's an English show there's a big guy and a little guy and they drive cars but it's not like I saw somebody told me you should watch this show top gear because I was bored and I asked on Twitter what show should I watch and

somebody said you should watch the show top gear. What a surprise. Somebody on Twitter suggests something from the BBC. Well, I'd already seen the money boosh. Good primeval. Shut up. So I watched an early episode, and the early episode was sort of like any weekend car show. Like there's a segment where they're fixing things and a segment where they race things and that kind of thing, right?

And it was a little bit... It was boring. But then I saw a later episode, and I think it's one of those things where you run out of setups. Like, you know the show Mythbusters? Yeah. Like, those aren't myths. Like, originally there were...

Sure, Pop Rocks and Coke and coke and yeah and now it's just like they're just like can we knock a building down have you ever heard the myth that we can't knock a building down yeah and um can that red-headed woman wear a bikini that's a myth they've been saying for years that that red-headed woman cannot prance around in a bikini for an entire segment. And they proved America wrong. And in this Top Gear, I saw an episode of Top Gear. This is what they did. They got some Vauxhalls, which is, I believe, an English car. And then they just drove them really far.

And there's nothing happening. Did they stop for gas? It's not a race. And it's not about the things they're driving gas? It's not even a race. It's not a race. No. And it's not about the things they're driving past. It's about the voxels. It's about the length of the drive. Yeah, exactly.

And, like, what parts fall off first? That was really, like, one of the big things. What'll fall off first? You know, oh, we broke the window. That was a big, like, one of those big moments of tension, where you cut to a commercial. Will the window break? Okay.

Anyway, I want to get back to this commercial for biscuits. I want to get back to this sort of Twitter, Seattle vibe that we had going on a minute ago. We love to play games when we're doing these live shows on Jordan, Jesse, Go. Jordan and I really like to compete, particularly. Sure. We thought of a game earlier.

He wouldn't let us do the dick contest. Yeah. He said no. He said no to the dick contest. It's who can make the best spotted dick. Yeah. It was weird that, I don't know. Who was named Richard the best?

Yeah. Richard Branson, I'm telling you! Um, I'm looking out in the audience. I don't know, you want to do this contest, Troy? Yeah, sure. Okay, Jesse and I are both pretty socially in tune guys. Absolutely. We can read people.

We're the Kennedy of our time. We're very observant. Not John F. Kennedy, Kennedy Kennedy. Yeah. I'm Matt Pinfield from 120 Minutes. Right? Never mind. The bad news is I'm game show hosting Kennedy.

2002-ish. She's AM conservative talk radio Kennedy now. Did you know that? No, I didn't know that. Yeah, in L.A. she has a conservative talk radio show where she talks about illegal immigration and how offense would solve it. Oh. A traditional

theme. Sure. Anyways, so Jesse and I are very in tune and we know that Seattle is a very hip town. One of the hippest towns. I wouldn't say. I mean, am I right? Ken Griffey Jr., for example. And people who would come to a podcast taping are, you know, probably young people, pretty tech savvy. They're pretty sexy. I'm looking at them right now, I'm thinking sexy.

So Jesse and I assumed there would probably be at least a handful of hipsters in the audience. Now look, I know everybody that's a hipster thinks they're not a hipster, wants to complain about hipsters. The fact of the matter is that we know what a hipster is. It's not us, and we can and should make fun of it. Sure. So here's what we want to do. We want to prove which of us is more in tune to our audience. We're each going to pick someone in the audience, and if you would, please come up on stage.

I'm going to try and pick the bigger hipster than Jesse. We're going to ask you a series of hipster related questions. John Maltz. John Maltz? What does that mean? Listen, I don't care what he does with his

dead skin. Don't yell out the name of your buddy. That'll just make us not pick him. Yeah. So we're going to pick some... If you're going to yell something out, it should be Jay Buhner. What? What does that mean?

What's Jay Buhner? Long story. Don't let me in on it. I've been told not to do this anymore, so I'm cutting it off at that. We had to pick something. That was a baseball thing. Sorry, God. I just didn't know.

Sorry. Do you want to pick? I'll give you first pick. I think I won the last one of these, so I'll give you first pick. Okay. I'm picking this guy in the third row with the sport coat over his T-shirt. Right there. You, sir. Would this guy in the third row with the sport coat over his t-shirt. Right there. Would you come up on stage, please?

You guys get acquainted. I'm going to go get mine. Great. Jordan's going to go take a seat here. Now, tell me what your name is. Albert. Albert. Just for, if folks are listening at home, I'm going to talk a little bit about what you're wearing right now.

You're wearing a gray jean. You've got shell-toe Adidas sneakers on. Quick question. Are you in Run DMC? Just establishing a baseline. No. No, no. Okay, fair enough. You've got a corduroy sport coat on, looks like. And let's see that t-shirt there.

Is that a graphic tee? It's a wear the wild things are t-shirt. And I want to point out that it's... Opening June 17th. And it's also got, right here, it has metallic print. So, that's just worth

noting. Metallic print. Metallic print on the t-shirt. Jordan, what do you got over there? This is Sarah. Sarah has... Sarah has tiny... Are you in this with me or not, Edgar? We're going to do this thing, right?

Sarah has tiny rectangular glasses. Jordan, have you ever seen the movie The Englishman who went up a hill and came down a mountain? No. My hill just turned into a fucking mountain just now. He's got a diesel shirt underneath. He's got a diesel shirt under his first shirt!

Oh! He's wearing two graphic tees. My mom gave it to me. Awesome. You just opened up a can of shit, Thorn. This is Sarah. Sarah is wearing rectangular glasses, red frames. She has a ponytail, and the top of her hair does the top of hair wave hump.

I'm going to confirm that. That's definitely a wave hump. We got cardigan sweater over blouse that maybe used to be a tablecloth until she knitted it. It's possible. Jordan? I did not knit it, no.

Okay. Sorry, crocheting isn't different. Fucking craft Nazis. Jesus Christ. Sorry if we don't work in the textile industry. Sorry if we don't want to get our hands chopped off at the machines. We're in a little thing called show business.

Yeah. By we, I mean Jordan. I'm in public radio. We wipe your ass. Sorry, we wipe our ass with your textiles, Jordan. I'm in public radio. We wipe your ass. Sorry, we wipe our ass with your textiles, is what I was going to say. And she's kind of wearing a slip-on slipper kind of thing.

Sure. I mean, I think you could... You said tablecloth. I might have gone cute apron. But yeah, I think we're right here. We're in the same area. Sure. So we're going to ask you guys a series of three questions. Please answer honestly, and the one that

appears the most hipster at the end will be declared the winner. Okay. Should I go first? You can go first, yeah. Okay. Edgar. Edgar? Sure. It's wrong? Shit! I'm trying to do it it's not a joke like in uh you look nice today i met him before the show too briefly okay he's not a plan i make that clear

okay here's the statement this is an agree or disagree. And be brutally, brutally honest. Remember, this is a competition. This is for the public record. Okay. Lady Gaga is basically the same thing as Ace of Base. Agree or disagree? Agree. Fuck!

Fuck! That's one point for Jordan. Here we go. Not only have you deleted your MySpace profile, but you talked to all your friends about wanting to delete your Facebook profile. I only use my MySpace to keep up with my younger sister. Ooh, ouch. Okay, still have it.

Okay, that's a point for Jesse. Okay, fair enough. That's a point for Jesse. Okay. Edgar. Are there some people in your neighborhood who do not speak English well, but you consider to be your friends.

They're family. Family. He said family. That's totally not hipster. That's a point for Jordan. Yeah. Absolutely not fitting in with the hipster ethos. Your turn, Jordan. Fuck. Okay. Absolutely not fitting in with the hipster ethos.

Your turn, Jordan. Okay, Sarah. You have at least one product that you purchase regularly at a co-op. Yes, we do

a fruit and vegetable co-op. She's the fucking boss of the co-op, asshole. Fuck me. Okay. Okay, this one is a two-part question. Have you ever bought anything, this is part one, have you ever bought anything, this is part one, have you ever bought anything at the Army-Navy store

or the workwear store, the Ben Davis store, you might call it? Well, not Ben Davis, but like... Dickies? Sure, sure. Yeah, and Army-Navy, definitely. Okay. Part two of the question. Are you in the service or a laborer?

And if you are in the service, God bless you and your sacrifice. I was, so I recognize the quality. No. No. I'm not going to accept that. What? He was in the... You were... You were in the service?

That is not something that a hipster is... You were in the service? Yeah, yeah. Oh, I thought he was a laborer once, and that was... No, yeah. That's a point for me. Fuck my balls. All right, Sarah, let's take it home.

Let's take it home. Let's take it home. You own a certain kind of bike, i.e. fixed gear. Stay with me. And you're suspicious of people that own other kinds of bikes. For instance, 10-speed. Now, this, to clarify, this is not just a fixed gear, but you own a type of bike, and that includes motorized bikes, so we say Vespa, moped, fixed gear, one big wheel, one tiny wheel. Old time bike.

Right. I had an ironic bike, but it wasn't a fixie. Chessie, she's had an ironic bike, but it wasn't a fixie. Jessie, she's had an ironic bike. Give me eight points. Well, it looks like the final score is Jessie won and Jordan all. Can we give them a hand?

Give the hipsters a hand. Thank you. And how about a hand for Edgar for protecting our nation? What good sports, huh? They're great sports. I think Edgar was a little mad at me. Well, sure. I mean, you're a dick.

Hey, it's Jesse one more time. If all my prattling on about thank you gifts and pledge levels hasn't convinced you to donate, let me try out one last line of reasoning. More than 40 folks who already donate to MaximumFun.org have challenged you to do the same. Some folks like Kelly Testerman have pledged a dime for every new donor during the drive. Some, like our pal Scott Simpson from You Look Nice Today, have pledged a dollar. All these folks already give, but they're giving more, sort of walk-a-thon style, to get you to get up off your rear, go to the computer, and click on Donate. So, if you don't want to hear it from me, maybe you want to hear it from Carrie, or Martha, or

Wayne, or Will, or Rick, or Claire, or Ron, or Rebecca, or Rebecca or Russ or Alex or Dudley. For every new donor, these existing donors have pooled their money to give $10 to MaximumFund.org. No matter what level the new donor is pledging at, $10, that's commitment. Visit MaximumFund.org and donate now. and donate now. Jordan, we've come to probably, I would say, the most important part of the program. The final part.

Yeah, if there's any servers out there, we could use four small glasses with some ice in them. And if you happen to have a lemon and a knife, so four little glasses with ice, a lemon and a knife. That'd be great, too. Four little glasses with ice and a lemon and a knife. Okay, great. We've got a lemon down here. So we do need a knife and four small glasses with ice in them. So, here comes a lemon. That's a Meyer lemon. It's a special kind of lemon. So that's a thousand points for her for knowing the difference between different kinds of lemons. Um, I would characterize it as a yellow lemon. So, uh, green STEMI. Now,

a lot of you folks out there, maybe you don't read The New Yorker like I do, and you haven't seen the advertisements. Maybe you're not familiar with the world of compelling faux Italian jingles. Maybe you don't follow carefully the career of various people who've been featured on the television program Taxi. Ladies and gentlemen, Judd Hirsch! Judd Hirsch is not here. That's just Merlin. That's Merlin. As it turns out, the great Danny DeVito has created his own special celebrity liqueur, Danny DeVito's Lemoncello. And specifically, it is, from my understanding, based on the theme song, a taste of life from this famous fellow.

The famous fellow being Danny DeVito. And so we took this as inspiration to create a signature beverage. Every great podcast, as you know, has a signature cocktail. Except for stuff you missed in history class, which just encourages you to huff paint. But that totally gets you high. It gets you super high.

You get super fucked up and it's cheap. Boner. So, do you get a... Yeah. what oh i've been paid man i guess it's just never happened to me when i've done that yeah well uh i get super high try it when you're going to do you barf out of your nose No. Man. Yeah. Anyways. So anyway. So okay. Danny DeVito's Limoncello, unanimously the best celebrity spirit, but there is a close

second. Oh, is there ever a close second? Now, you guys may have heard of a celebrity named Dan Aykroyd. You might be familiar with his movies. I'm talking about... Crossroads, starring Britney Spears, and others. So,

Danny Aykroyd, as I call him, I know him as Danny, also has a fascination with the paranormal. In fact, that's where the original inspiration for Ghostbusters came from. And as far as we can tell, based on reading recent quotations

about the possibility of Ghostbusters 3, he thinks that all the stuff in Ghostbusters is real including the laser beams. Ironically, he doesn't think the stuff in the real Ghostbusters is real. And he actually says that he dreamed Rick Moranis.

Yeah. Which is why you don't see much of him these days. No, uh-uh. So he has used this... I hear My Blue Heaven 2 is coming out on DVD only. It's like straight to DVD. Steve Martin isn't in it. He has used this fascination with...

They just replaced him with Jamie Kennedy. Yeah, exactly. He's used this fascination with the paranormal. He's taken it and transferred it into the spirit world, if you will. I didn't prep that. I just thought of that. The spirit world with a product called Crystal Head Vodka. Now, you may know from Danny,

from Dan Aykroyd telling you about it in a weird internet video that this is a famous thing from the Aztecs all over the world and ghosts.

He's insane and he made a vodka that comes in a skull. That's basically like just to summarize that's the long and the short of it have we got um is rebecca here is rebecca here somewhere rebecca come on up here come on up here uh this is rebecca folks um rebecca have a seat here uh rebecca was kind enough to uh bring us this bottle here. Now, you may not recognize it without one of your favorite

film and television stars and also some kind of liar or something like that that he holds in the advertisement, but this is Danny DeVito's Limoncello. Did you, Rebecca, did you, did you get this at one of Washington

State's highly regulated... Famous liquor stores. Yes, I did. That's fantastic. I'm so happy. And is Guy in the audience here? Guy. Guy.

Do we have Guy here? Is our thing fucked? Yeah. We got some Crystal Head vodka. Someone actually brought some Crystal Head vodka. Guy, is that Guy? Yeah, that's me. Did you bring crystal head vodka or what? Who was bringing it?

This guy has it. Is there a guy that I was talking to? Okay, so Guy, come on up here. Give him a hand, everybody. Yes, Guy. Now, in order to get Rebecca to bring this this Danny DeVito's...

Sorry, you mean cocktail stirrups. We'll get to that later. In order to get Rebecca to bring this Danny DeVito's limoncello, I got her husband in for free. And Guy, I promised I would give $40, which is what this fucking vodka costs. What? So, there you go. Now, I know what you're

wondering. Is there, could we get a, is there possible, is there a knife back there that we could get? Maybe somebody could run to the kitchen. Throw a knife. Just throw a knife on up to the stage. Whoa! Someone actually did. What did someone throw? Alright, Paul Hogan, get out of here.

Okay, we got a knife right here. Nice. Oh, this is perfect. That'll really cut that lemon. Oh, it's working. Yeah, it is actually working. Turns out a Meyer lemon is well known for being cuttable with a butter knife. This man has a multi-tool in his pocket.

He brought... You're going to need that to de-poison your snake bite. I don't know what you need that for. Our signature drink is one part Dan Aykroyd's Crystal Head Vodka.

One part, Danny DeVito's world-famous Limoncello. It's a taste of life from that famous fellow. And one part, Canada Dry Ginger Ale, celebrating Dan Aykroyd's Canadian heritage.

Now, we call this drink a Minnesota Danny. It was contributed by one of the members of our forum, The Name, who did the research. We asked somebody to do the research. And you may know that Danny DeVito is a famous movie producer. And we were talking about some of the great movies

Dan Aykroyd has made in the last 15 years. One of them was produced by Danny DeVito. It's a little movie called Feelin' Minnesota. Hence the name, The Minnesota Danny. So what we're going to do, I'm an experienced cocktail waitress. I'm going to pour some of this in here.

A lot came out. Okay. Here's this actual crystal head full of vodka. Now, this is... Do I have to pour this in here? Okay. Now, if you're wondering what this is filtered with, triple diamonds. According to the video, it's filtered with triple diamonds.

And we're going to put some of this in here. Oh, my God. Just for those of you who aren't regular Jordan and Jesse Go listeners, I don't drink. Yeah, Jesse has never had a drink in his life, right? I mean, you had some of that beer. You had some of that gross beer. Now, what are these cocktail stirrers? Can you explain these, Guy? In honor of the Minnesota, Danny, the Minnesota part of it,

I made cocktail stirrers with the image of Garrison Keillor. Garrison Keillor. Straight from Lake Wobegon. Into my booze. All right. Take that fucking Garrisonison keeler away from me i guess uh i guess we call the minnesota nightmare salute everybody cheers

oh i hate our signature cocktail oh my god I hate our signature cocktail. Oh my God. That's like drinking like an alcoholic lemon cough drop. I blame the limoncello exclusively. There's no, there's, yeah. Wait, quick question about the limoncello.. There's no... Yeah. Wait, quick question about the Limoncello. What's it been filtered through?

Single diamonds. Well, that's the problem! Yeah, not enough amount of diamonds. Does anybody out there have a cup and want one of these? Because... Are we allowed to give out free booze? Well, what are we going to do? Are we going to keep this?

Oh, yeah, that's a good idea. Let's keep it. Yeah, good idea. Is that the end of the show? Are we just going to go off saying that that was gross? We're just going to go off on that. Fuck them. Yeah.

What did you guys... Okay, quick question. I'm going to talk to Rebecca about it for a second. Rebecca, what did you think of the Minnesota Danny? That was truly vile. Was it the best podcast signature cocktail you've ever tasted? Yes. Ladies and gentlemen, the Minnesota Danny!

Yes! Thanks so much, guys. Thank you so much. Yeah, thank you for bringing this. It's very nice of you. Oh. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you week. Jordan, of course, here joining me by telephone. We're interrupting our live program. Welcome, Jordan. Thank you. It's good to be on the telephone. Great sponsor this week.

A listener named Henry Kaplan has written to us and requested that we wish a very happy birthday to his young brother, Jimmy Kaplan. Yes. Happy birthday, Jimmy Kaplan. Yes. Happy birthday, Jimmy Kaplan. Do you remember the show where we had a lonely sandwich play a ukulele and... I started eating. That was rude. Yeah, that was pretty rude. I apologize.

Especially to Jimmy. I mean, it's the poor guy's birthday. Yeah, I'm eating in the middle of his birthday. Do you remember when... Not even cake. I'm not even eating cake. Jimmy, do you... Jordan... Do you remember when Jimmy came here and played the trumpet during Jordan Sings a Song?

I do. That was great. That is this guy. This guy is basically our hero. He made one of the single greatest contributions to Jordan Jesse Go history. Yeah, live trumpet playing. So we are taking this opportunity on behalf of Henry Kaplan to wish Jimmy Kaplan a happy birthday. we are taking this opportunity on behalf of Henry Kaplan to wish Jimmy Kaplan a happy birthday. He is a college student now. He's in a Ska cover band called Danger Mermaid. Oh, my gosh. Again, Ska cover band named Danger Mermaid.

Man, look for those guys. That's a fun show. You know that's a fun show. It's got to be fun. Everybody's skanking. Sure. The songs that they know. Sure sure and can sing the lyrics to um so anyway a happy birthday to jimmy caplan from all of us here at jordan jesse going from jimmy's brother henry caplan oh as long as you do a happy birthday as long as you guys in

your cover band don't play any rap songs yeah you don't need any rap songs in a scott cover band absolutely not what 80s 80s songs that's a great that's a great uh people love what about our house everybody loves our house fantastic boom um jordan it's max fun drive time we've got a new maximum fun.org and uh the most exciting thing that has happened so far is that it just started today as we record this and earlier today the first ever donor uh joined our 100 a month donation level that's jordan's platinum angels um so if you're hold on don't let me clarify what jordan's platinum angels is that's when they personally send me a check for seven dollars okay well i guess this guy can be something else he can be our there's two j Jordans Platinum Angels, then.

One is when they give me $100 a month. One is when they send you a check for $7 a month. Or just $7 overall. No, this is a one-time check. Okay, a one-time situation. Well, if they really want to be good, they can join Jesse's Golden Eagles at $200 a month. Okay. Yeah, that's fine.

You can have that. Okay, cool. Well, it's all on the brand-new MaximumFund.org. $200 a month. Okay. Yeah, that's fine. You can have that. Okay, cool. Well, it's all on the brand new MaximumFun.org. Come take a look. And thanks for interrupting your workday, Jordan, to record this special message. No problem. And I'm sorry I can't say the word message. Yeah, it's a tough one.

Two S's. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, Jordan, Jesse, go. We had a great time up here. Can you take this creepy hat away? And actually, I think that is it for us. Right. But we like to close

each of these. Yeah, yeah. We have one more little bit. I know it's been a long night. Please, give yourselves a hand. Thank you so much for coming. It was very nice of you. We appreciate it. One more kind of little bit. I feel like I should keep drinking it.

I feel like I'm responsible for keeping to drink it. Oh, if we don't finish it, then everybody's going to think we're pussies. Jordan, I'm wearing a knit tie. I'm pretty squarely in the pussy camp.