Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 98: Big Dogs

Episode Date: May 6, 2009

Jesse and Jordan are live in Portland with David Koechner and James Adomian.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, friendly, maggoty, netty, twiddle, Jesse, go.

We are live on tape from the Portland Bridgetown Comedy Festival and the Monsters of Podcasting. Let's go. Ladies and gentlemen, round two of the Monsters of Podcasting. Jesse Thorne and Jordan Morris. Jordan, Jesse, go. Go. Eye of the Tiger. Correct. First guess.

Oh, and Mike hit on teeth. Mine. Two. Two out of two. That also happened. You're batting 1,000, my friend. Oh, my God. So great to be here in beautiful Portland, Oregon.

Isn't it neat? I said it wrong because they don't like it when you say it wrong. Oh, so you're trying to get their goats. Oh, absolutely. They're Portland goats. Portland goats. What do you think about this, assholes? Pjortland.

Out in the fucking parking lot. You and me, Portland. Let's go. I said it wrong. There was a guy who kind of wanted to fight me backstage. A guy who looked like a sort of a Portland version of Lemmy from Motorhead, which is to say like Lemmy from Motorhead, but a little bit dirtier.

Also, that could also be a Portland version of a guy that walks around. Yeah. Playing pool there, and he says to me... Just a quick observation. People from Portland are either about to enter a... Men from Portland, not to generalize. Men from Portland are all about to enter

a Lemmy from Motorhead look-alike contest or a Russell Brand look-alike contest. Apparently there's one going on every weekend that I've ever been here. To be fair, some of them are preparing for an Arctic expedition in the spring. Like a springtime

Arctic expedition. So this guy he says to me... Oh, North Face. Yeah. That's something I know. This guy says to me. That's something I know. This guy says to me, hey, nice suit, fella. And, well, for one thing, I'm not wearing a suit. He didn't say fella, was he? You're not cleaning it up.

No, I'm not. He actually said fella. He said fella. And I said, thank you. And he kind of kept locking eyes with me. But I had to walk past him, so I walked past him. And then I had to walk back and forth because to get between the green room and the wings there, you have to go past this pool table where this guy's playing pool. I walked past again. He says, hey, nice suit, fella. I think

he was threatening me, but I'm not sure with what. Maybe it might not have been a threat and more of some sort of, uh, precursor to gayness that he wanted to have with you. But no, he had the fire in his eyes and it wasn't a romantic type fire. The gays are passionate. They're passionate people. Okay. They're like the Latins in that way. I walk past him again. Good night, everybody. I walk past him again. He says, nice suit, fella. Where'd you get that tie? Like he made a joke.

That's not a joke. I'm confident that's not a joke, but he said it with a joke inflection. Like it was a joke. And I said, I think maybe eBay. And he said, oh, eBay, huh? This guy had your number. He knew what you were. I don't know. I'm worried he's going to just bust through that door and beat my ass. Well, you know, even if he was standing back there, I'm sure this conversation charmed him. Yeah. So that he's like, ah, that guy's all right. There's no doubt about that.

Off to whittle something. I changed my life recently, Jordan. No, did you? I watched our longtime ago co-host, big time Gene O'Neill, has one favorite movie and one favorite movie only. One that he'll talk your ear off about. It's a little movie called Point Break. Has anybody ever seen Point Break? I had never seen Point Break.

But as I have grown older and grown less comfortable with feeling things, I have taken to watching these action movies on Netflix on demand. You know, I also, as I've kind of hit mid-20s, have gotten surly about feelings. The other day when I was in Target, a Coldplay song came on and I just wanted to leave. Yeah, fuck this. I'm like, yeah, I'm sick of feeling weepy. I'm trying to get kitty litter.

Yeah, right? I don't want to think about all the chances I've missed. I recently watched Air Force One recently, in which there's a scene in which Harrison Ford kicks a terrorist off of Air Force One through the chute. I don't remember how Harrison Ford's not falling out of the chute, but he kicks him out of the chute and he says, Get off my plane. That's like a, you're a little late to that party, Jesse. I am? I don't remember how Harrison Ford's not falling out of the chute, but he kicks him out of the chute and he says,

Get off my plane. That's like a, you're a little late to that party, Jesse. I am? People are totally already over Get Off My Plane. Okay, well, anyway, so I watched Point Break. You might as well be saying, Where's the Beef at this point. Okay. There's some stuff that's really amazing about Point Break.

One is that this movie is like six hours long. It is like four different movies. You're watching the director's cut, probably. There's, okay, there's another amazing thing about the movie Point Break is the part where Patrick Swayze throws a dog at Keanu Reeves.

Oh my god, every time I feel like my life has taken a negative turn, I just think about that part. And I'm like, yeah, I'm doing okay. It has nothing to do with me. I didn't, you know. There's a core, like, central issue with Point Break that's never addressed, which is the premise of Point Break, if you don't know, agent who has to go undercover to track down a gang of surfer criminals who wear president masks and rob banks to finance their surfing anyway understood at the beginning of this film is this

premise the last person you'd expect to be a surfer is straight-laced f agent Keanu Reeves. Who always delivers a line like he just did a toke and then his parents walked in and he's trying to hide it. It's an amazing film. There's like 12... But here's the thing.

He's not a surfer. He's an ex-college football star. I feel like that's a believable thing for keanu reeves to be uh maybe i mean they do have that football scene to establish how good at football he is and he is kind of a dummy the so the guys in the football game they're having this beach football game and um they're like beating him up. Hold on. What's going on? Speaking of Point Break. I'm sorry. Is this a free speech forum with Jordan and Jesse?

It wasn't a free speech forum technically. Yeah, it's Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm sorry to interrupt, ladies and gentlemen. I'm sorry to do this. But I was informed there's a free speech forum where I would be able to. I'm sorry. Are you Gary Busey from Point Break and other? Yes, that's right.

Wow. Gary Busey, everybody. Gary Busey. Point Break Another? Yes, that's right. Wow, Gary Busey, everybody. Gary Busey. Wow. Thank you. Gary Busey, private citizen, first class, reporting for duty. Well, I mean, have a seat, Gary. It's a surprise to have you here. It's always great to have a real-life Hollywood celebrity, a star of many films.

Point Break Not Least of them, welcome. Well, thank you for welcoming me. I understand there's some nice gentlemen people here. I don't want to interrupt what looks like to be a Garrison Keillor, Perry Holmes companion evening here. But I was informed that this was a free speech forum, and I monitor a number of podcasts from my bunker, and I was aware of a number of things that this was going to be a free speech for them. And so I came prepared to enlighten these people about the lies that we face from our government and from the society is trying to make us and break us down into nothing but

little monkeys and piglets. You say piglets now? I said piglets. And this is in the news these days, my friends. And I appreciate your service and appreciate your service. Thanks. Thank you Gary. This is in the news with this swine flu ladies and gentlemen. We face an epidemic with this swine flu but I believe there is more to it because the government out there is lying to us.

This microphone is booked. This microphone is planted. I don't believe this is a microphone. I mean your voice is being amplified so I think that part of it is going I did not consent to have my voice amplified through an amplification system well we technically we didn't consent to have you on the program

and I appreciate that system of belief but I also ladies and gentlemen I am also a big believer in pigs. People ignorant of government suspicion. And that is what we face with this swine flu. It is from the government. And I am here because I drove here over four hours from my bunker in the state of Jefferson in Southern Oregon.

And I keep my summer, winter, and spring home there. And that is where my bunker is and I came here to speak in this free sport did you bring or does that documentation or something I have an article from the Klamath Fall uh Gazette that tells you people right here you're tearing it that that it originated in Fort Detrick Maryland the swine flu is not coming from pigs it is coming from a pig that is a different kind that is a man who has no appreciation for the Constitution, my friends. Hey, Gary, I'm sorry. I mean, this is sort of a cop.

Yeah, I mean, I was just wondering. I mean, we're happy to let you talk about stuff you want to talk about, but maybe just – oh, gosh, I knocked that over. I don't want that, too. Hold on. You need to screen that microphone. No. If a microphone drops, you must –

No, I just – Okay. You're screening it? I'm screening it because you must... No, I just... Okay. You're screening it? I'm screening it because you never know when there could be a bug. We are surrounded by enemies and enemies. You just rubbed it on your boot. What does that do? I'm sorry.

These boots are amplified to make sure that we take out negative toxins in anything that it touches. That's why I wear them on my feet at all times. Okay. Right. Hey, maybe just to make this a little more general interest, and you know, this is kind of a general comedy kind of entertainment show. Could we maybe just ask

you a couple just regular interview questions about like your career? Yeah. I'm happy to. Because I believe in a freedom of speech, and you know what? I'm a big believer in pussy. Purity under stressful sexual instances. And that is why I do not mind being put under a spotlight and being grilled because I will survive. I will survive this Guantanamo.

I have survived being interrogated by the tire of a motorcycle. Let's just save that for later. Do you have any memories of working with Keanu Reeves? that for like later. Do you have any memories of working with Keanu Reeves? Memories? The memories of working with Keanu Reeves begin at 6 a.m. and end six feet down the rabbit hole. That is a man who is a genius. And what I heard before I came on here was you people disgracing the reputation of a man who is not only an actor, but a visionary and a genius. Johnny Mnemonic is a look into our future. It is a searing look. George Orwell was an Illuminati agent. His 1984 is not the truth of what will be happening.

Johnny Mnemonic is the truth, and the Matrix is the truth. And you can read more about this on my website, ladies and gentlemen. Is there anybody who could help us with Gary Busey here? www.garybuseyisthetruth.org Hey, Gary, what's your dream project? My dream project? www.garybucyisthetruth.org forward slash Bucy forward slash truth. Hey, Gary, what's your dream project? My dream project is to do a film version, a film adaptation of the Magna Carta. Because that is where our freedoms come from.

And I know these people understand that because you're up here in Portland. Is that a copy of the Magna Carta? Yes, this is a physical copy of the Magna Carta, which I carry with me at all times along with my passport. Is that crayon on it? What's that? Is that crayon on it? Did you mark it with crayon? Well, I crossed out the parts that I don't agree with. There's a number of parts that refer to a king and refer to a feudal system. But there are parts in here that laid out for the first time in the written English language that we have rights. Did you just draw a dick on there too? No, that it's not a dick, sir. If you were, if you're talking about a dick on the Magna Carta, then I would have to remind

you that we are under maritime law ever since the war of 1812. Sorry, it just looked like you drew a dick on it. Sorry. Uh, we're not trying to be rude or anything. We're really grateful to have you here. Speak to me like I am a man and like I'm a citizen. Look at me like I'm a citizen. Look at me at my eyes. Both of you look at me on my eyes at the same time. I want you to look at me like I am a citizen of this country. No, you look your way. This is not... Let me explain something to you i believe in rape reaction against predatory enemies reaction against predatory enemies and what you are doing right now

is you are preying on the american people and their ignorance i'm sorry can we uh you know this isn't going really the way i am not here as a participant ladies and gentlemen i am a spectator i am an outside attache. The free speech zone? Yes, sir. Did you know it's in the merch booth? Were you expecting an Animaniacs Looney Tunes reaction where I would run out like some kind of fool and look for a free speech zone out there in the lobby? My freedom of speech zone is wherever my perimeter goes, where my CB radio band can be heard. Oh, sir, is there someone out there for representing the king of England or the Illuminati? Did George Bush send one of his agents down here? Because

I lived through eight years of a fascist dictatorship, sir. And let me tell you something, I believe in crabs creating reality against bullshit I'm sorry, you're swearing too much and this is not a general interest thing, so we're just going to have to ask you to leave, I'm sorry I don't mean to be profane, I'm a formal believer in all kinds of respectability and I must say to you and your friends

Jesus Christ, get off the cross and I would say to all of you, I would look you get off the cross. And I would say to all of you, I will look you all in the eye at the same time and inform you, ladies and gentlemen, I know you know this. You know it in your heart of hearts that the events of 9-11 happened on September 12th. And I will continue telling this.

I will say this in public and that is the reason I am here. Hey, Gary, there was a car in the parking lot that has a sticker that says, I'm Christian and I vote. Well, that is the right to vote. Anyone who is a Christian has a right to vote. Right now, I have a car in the parking lot.

I have a motorcycle that is running. I drove the motorcycle into the back of the backstage bar right there. I better get my motorcycle, and I have a tree frog on end of feed. Okay. Yeah, well, Gary Busey, everybody. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Gary Busey. Thank you, Gary.

God bless you all to death, all of you people. God bless you to death. Wow. Thank you. Thanks, Gary. I wish you the very best with this. You understand that? You deserve all of this.

You're hurting me. You deserve this? You're hurting me. And I will be there every step of the way. That hurts badly. Okay, you have liquid on you. I don't like your butt. There's a cell that keeps the drugs on you.

I am sorry. I apologize. I apologize. I'm sorry. Gary Busey. Gary Busey, everybody. Hey, pals and friends, it's Jesse here. Guess what? It is Maximum Fun Drive time.

That's right. May 1st through 15th is our second or third annual Maximum Fun Drive, depending on how you count the first Maximum Fun Drive. I'm going to say third Maximum Fun Drive, depending on how you count the first Maximum Fun Drive. I'm going to say third Maximum Fun Drive. Anyway, as you know, MaximumFun.org is supported by your donations. That's right. Donations from you, the listener, etc., etc., etc. We wouldn't be here if you didn't give us money, and far too many of you don't give us money, to be frank. So visit us at MaximumFun.org and make a donation. It goes from $2 a month to $200 a month.

There's all kinds of really cool thank you gifts that you can get, including a sweet new Maximum Fun Sound of Young America t-shirt, lots of great books and CDs and DVDs and all kinds of hilarious and awesome stuff, a special thank you gift coming up next week, all kinds of really neat, awesome, awesome stuff. A special thank you gift coming up next week. All kinds of really neat, awesome, great stuff. All you have to do is go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. MaximumFun.org slash donate. And once you do that and you donate, you'll feel a lot better about listening to this show every week because you'll know that you're not freeloading. Okay, MaximumFun.org, donate. Do it.

Wow, that was the last thing I expected to happen. Wow, Gary Busey, huh? Well, hey, I mean, speaking of guests. We do have a real guest. We have another guest who's a little less booked. We have a guest booked on that we actually asked to come. You might know him from his feature film work, including Anchorman, or you might have seen him here with his brilliant improv comedy group Beer Shark Mice. You might know him as half of the Naked Trucker in T-Bones,

one of the funniest guys in Hollywood. Please welcome David Koechner. Dave? Yeah. Yeah, David Koechner. Dave? Yeah. Yeah, David Koechner. And a crate. He's carrying a crate. Very nice crate.

Very good crate. Whatever's clever, man. Whatever's clever. Take a seat, Dave. Bring your crate. Why did you bring a crate on stage, David? I needed to place my dinner on the crate. Okay. Fair enough.

It's a beer. David Koechner has a problem. He has a beer. Busey speaks the truth. Oh, shit. Koechner's in this shit now? Did you fall off of a motorcycle a few years ago and lose a few of your marbles? Or did I finally realize what is really happening in this country and on this planet, in this universe, if it is one?

Can you say it in two sentences and then we can talk about something else? Two sentences and we'll move on. Two sentences. Two sentences and we're going to talk about Hollywood. I believe. That's two words. Shit. Yeah. Mind blown.

You know, in listening to the podcast, gentlemen, I realize there are so many things we have in common. I, like you, am in my mid-twenties. And I, like you, had an interaction with the, as you described, any guy from Portland backstage.

And mine was this. I was trying to get past a guy from Portland, and I said, excuse me. And he goes, excuse me? I think it was the same guy. Same guy. So it wasn't a guy from Portland, so guys, it's fine. It was a sociopath who happens to be here. Yeah, he has an extraordinary grasp on the concept of plausible deniability.

Yes. This guy is the Nixon of starting fights. Yes. But the thing is, if you don't choose to participate, you're like, that's odd, challenging behavior. I'm not that guy. I'm not aggressive. What?

Did that just happen? Did you read the Malcolm Gladwell book, Tipping Point? I'm familiar with its thesis. Right. Well, they do this. He talks about this interesting exercise where they were in an, I think it was an Eastern school. I don't know if anyone's read the book. But they did this experiment where they were in a library or a study hall or a dorm

or something like that, and I think an Ivy League college, and they would have someone walk down a hallway and then bump into a guy, and then they would record the reaction of the gentleman they got bumped into, and it seemed to have some odd relationship with where they were born, whether it was of Scottish origin or, you know, like perhaps they came from Kentucky or... So it was mostly Scots and Kentuckians. Right. Well, actually, if you read the history or see those programs

in the history of the English language, a lot of it did settle in Kentucky and then just some of the southern states. But the way they reacted to a person bumping into them, it was either like they got big about it or they went, oh, wow, that was wild. That was crazy. I'm not going to get upset about it. And your stress level doesn't go up. Your heart rate doesn't go up.

But I thought that was an interesting experiment. Yes, I do think that that was a college professor. Do you think that at this point, Malcolm Gladwell could have any thesis in a book and he could convince all of America, especially like Bill Clinton, that it was true? I'll bet he's a good talker. You know, I read something similar

in the novelization of the movie Time Cop. Other than the occasional pre-fight, what do you think of Portland so far? It's pretty awesome. Yeah? Yeah. Isn't it a beautiful place? It's gorgeous. I really do love it.

I'm not just patronizing those assembled, assuming you might be from here. Well, we've already been buttering them up with a lot of nice stuff about Portland. Wait till we're buttering up, and later we will cook and eat you. As is our one. We won't use any animal products. And if we fry you and we decide to use animal products, it'll be duck fat, the best tasting fat. Everyone knows that. With a side of foie gras.

And then the drippings will power our motorcycle. Go ahead and shove. Did you wait? I have a serious question about Portland. All right, there we go. This is a serious question. Honestly, this is serious. Here we go.

Jordan and I went to eat some of your world-famous donuts. Enjoy the donuts very much. I wouldn't say an ill word about the donuts. Next door to the famous donuts is what appears to be a porno theater. No. This is not a porno bookstore or something you might see in a regular place. This is not a business, an adult-themed business, that took over what used to be a porno theater.

I'm pretty sure we didn't fall through a hole in the fabric of space-time to 1976. The porno theater apparently has two screens, and from the sign, this is what I derived, one screen says says all male. The other screen is regular. They're for the two genres of porno. Be very clear. You got chocolate in my peanut butter.

Be very clear about which theater you enter. Yeah. There's a different experience the thing about it is that in my mind i can i can understand the existence of a gay porno movie theater everyone close your eyes because what happens in a gay porno movie theater is guys who want to go somewhere shady to suck some dick go to the gay porno movie theater right some say cock sure right so so that i can understand i don't necessarily endorse it it's shady it could be dangerous it's but you're not judging go ahead but i'm not judging i'm just saying necessarily endorse it. It's shady. It could be dangerous. But you're not judging. Go ahead. But I'm not judging. I'm just saying that. But it does, there's a central thesis there that I understand. Right.

But in 2009, for a heterosexual man to go to a heterosexual porno movie theater, one has to presume... To sit down in front of one of the regular films. They advertise on the marquee one of the regular films. They advertise on the marquee as full-length films so that you know you're not just going to go in there and get five minutes of Jackoff's stag picture.

You know what I'm saying? You're getting a full 90 minutes exposition, rising action, denouement, the whole nine yards. Story. Yes. And then R. Kelly's song while the credits roll. Yeah. rising action denouement the whole nine yards story yeah and then uh and then r kelly song while the credits roll yeah so this is uh the porno version of space jam by the way who is who is the guy in 2009 who's like gosh i wish i knew where I could see some pornography that I could use to masturbate with. And he's like, shit, there's nothing here in my home that could help me with this.

And there's nothing available commercially. I'll Google porno theater. You know what it is? Where can I go to be lonely together with someone else? And opposite of the all-male review, not hook up with anyone. Yeah, that's what it is. I think you've got the essential kernel of it. Zero possibility.

To celebrate their loneliness with others. There's no other venue for you to be lonely together with a group. I'm not sure it's celebrated. It's called a LAN party, Jesse. Hello. Boo. Yay. I'm booing myself. It's a yin and yang. Boo. Yay. I'm booing myself.

It's a yin and yang. Okay. I'm pretty sure there's not any female that goes to that show thinking the regular. Right. Thinking, I'm horny. Where can I go? Right. To meet a man.

to meet a man. I wonder if some fellas who are going to see a pornographic movie film head there, they see the two categories and they think they don't want to run into any ladies because that would be embarrassing.

They're all male, well, I'm a fella. And then they end up getting their dick sucked. I think only after having gone to the regular theater for a long time. Ah, fuck it. I'm just going to go over there. Yeah. I'm going to bring a wig with me. Right.

Ask the gentleman to wear it. Yeah. Sit through half of the regular show. Then with my ticket stub in hand, enter the all-male review. I'm going, hey, uh... And that's why you need a full-length movie. Yeah, because... You can't do that with a five-minute clip.

Here's my kind of thought on this. This is like, what, you know, what spawns this? You know, I mean, us fellas in our mid-20s, you know, we, you know, maybe grew up with an internet in the house that distributed pornography. Or like me, we didn't get internet for a long time. It's primary use, yes. We – the only glimpse of pornography came from a tape found in the back of Dad's closet.

A what? A tape? A tape. Not a magazine. Yeah. That's already an advancement. Right, right, exactly. You're referring to an audio cassette, correct? Yes.

An audio cassette of John Updike doing his voice and then a lady's voice. Dirty, dirty Updike. Yeah, I know. Yeah, when I was in Korea, I paid 20 bucks for a dirty uptight. Boo. Boo. We got to get the band back. Okay, go ahead. Anyway, so, but, you know, there is a generation of guys who grew up experiencing pornography in this way when, you know, going to see Deep Throat or, you know, a nudist documentary was like, that's how you jacked off. And like, I don't know. I mean, it's probably just around, I mean, why do they serve liver and onions at a restaurant? It's

for people who are used to eating that as an entree, you know? People who live through the Depression. Sure. And it reminds them of the Depression. And therefore allows them to get erect. Because there's something about their childhood.

Yes, but... And then, of course, a dick gets sucked. You know, like, for instance, I... He ordered the liver and onions. You know what that means. He knows there's no local good movies showing. I'm going to follow him home, put on a wig,

and suck him off. Hey, Dave. Yeah? After this show, you want to go out to dinner with me to the all-male restaurant? What are they serving? Liver and onions.

Me likey. I'm sorry, we put you off. No, no, no. We got distracted. That was fine. That was better than what I was going to say. The first pornography... We went down a rabbit hole. Go ahead. By the time I was 12, there was Internet pornographies available to me. And I know my dad also had Playboy's most famous centerfolds in his bedside table. In the bedside table? Right next to the gun.

Easily found by your mother. Well, yeah, I think it must have been open to my stepmother because it was just right there. He's hit step. Go ahead. Yeah, well, I come from a broken home. So, all right, that's part of i'm from a broken home agreement i guess second marriage like look here's what's gonna go on i've grown up i've learned like fuck it this won't destroy my next one uh this is gonna always be in the bedside table what if that not even one of my parents up that my dad had a playboy's most famous centerfold magazine like that's the end of that.

20 years of rancor to follow. Well, I never. That's healthy, actually, I think. Oh, 20 years of rancor? Both, all those things. But no, to have the Noonie bag. Now, at what point, I'm sorry, I don't know how much time we have. At what point, and I know you've got a jag you're still on,

but at what point did you find this, the discovery? I was 13 or so, something like that, something like a 13 years old. Okay, you're rifling through. I'm rifling. Well, you know, it was like, you know what happened? You needed to use the gun. Like, Dad, I need to use the gun. There was a grudge?

Yeah, well, I just, gosh, you know, I just was in there one day it was like it was really like it was like there was a little bookshelf at the bottom of the bedside table it was just in there you're looking for an uptike yeah i'm at the age where i need to masturbate where the fuck is Over 200 people have now donated to supportmaximumfun.org in the 2009 Maximum Fun Drive, and every single one of those people gets a warm, fuzzy feeling deep in their heart and loin whenever they play a MaximumFun.org podcast. Here's a bonus warm fuzzy feature. 50 people who were already donating to support MaximumFun.org, 50 existing donors have joined together a dime and a quarter and 50 cents at a time

to challenge you to support MaximumFun.org. For every new donor that we add during this pledge drive, we will get more than $12 from those challenge donors, which I'll tell you goes a long way towards covering the cost of all the mailing and printer labeling and all that different stuff that we're going to have to do. So all I ask that you do is if you listen to these shows and you enjoy them, visit MaximumFun.org and click on Donate. Well, I feel like I've said it. No one's home. It's in the bedside table. Apparently, I don't feel like you have. Is it spring?

What are you wearing? Corduroy shorts? That adds to it. I'm wearing a teenage boner. A rock-hard teenage boner. Very good. Is that okay with you? Do you have a No Fear shirt on?

He has a big dog. Please follow or get off the board. Big dog's masturbate to uptight. Alright, so you've got... I wanted to say our fans are a little predisposed to making fan art. We love it.

Please make a Big Dogs Masturbate to Updike t-shirt. I'll give you $80. Let's continue. Okay, and the moral of the story is

I utilized it to masturbate to completion. I utilized it to masturbate to completion. What did you eat for a snack afterwards? You could take a page out of the book of uptikes. Jordan, what about you? Where did you, where did you ever have to use creative means to obtain pornography? Or have you, because you're a year younger than me.

I feel like that year could be the year that makes the difference between just internet pornography being ubiquitous the moment that you know your boners become active just for the record that makes you two years younger than me go ahead um i am uh well i was i uh we didn't uh internet is – I'm not a tech guy despite having a podcast and knowing a lot about the Sega Saturn. I don't – I'm actually not a very techie guy and in the early days of the internet, I could never figure out how to make it porno. You basically just type in porn. The X key was not on the keyboard. I don't know. It just seemed too complicated to me, and I was worried that it was a trick.

Worried I was being fooled. Yes, okay, yes. Jordan had different ideas about what a naked lady looked like, and when it conflicted with those ideas, he knew he was in a trap. And so anyway, so I, the summer that I graduated from college, I moved back in with my mom in Orange County, California. You're 22 years old at this point. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. And anyways, and so we have the home computer that has AOL on it. And Carta. Yeah, and that my mom uses to, you know, forward poems to the gals at work. And that's basically what that computer is there for. at work and that's basically what that computer is there for and i'm i'm don't trust my cover-up skills enough to even go about trying to pornography on this internet let alone your timing skills of knowing when and when she will wouldn't and not enter the room yes exactly uh exactly will not i heard i know that i messed it up so i need to to find some way, you know, meh, meh, meh, meh.

So I guess my only option, I figure out, is to rent it. Is to rent a porno movie. You figure out that this is your only option? Yes. Or the most easy option. At age 22, in roughly 2004. Sure. This was recently.

And I was such a weird... You're struggling against the fact that all of the video stores are by this point going out of business. Yeah, and there was one that was, you know, maybe about 30 minutes away. A half? Wow. Yeah.

I know, it was a slog. It was just a sad, sad time in my life. Imagine what you could have done with half an hour and internet. Yeah. Yeah. It's a sort of super highway, if you will. Let me know if I'm going too fast for you, buddy. What the fuck am I talking at?

Micro what? So anyway, so there's this video video source it's half an hour away and it is tended by a lovely elderly Chinese man and there's a curtain and it's like gosh am I really doing this I gotta tell you lovely through me but go ahead yeah haha hey the curtain okay you know and it's you know there's like two guys in lovely through me, but go ahead. Handed a curtain and I'm like, okay. There's like two guys in there with t-shirts tucked into elastic waistbands. Trying not to make eye contact.

Yes, exactly. Asking each other what the internet is. There's actually one striving to make eye contact with me, actually. I had to talk now. Anyways, so I Wait i select this video store say all male on the outside no this was a standard well here's kind of part of the thing is that there was a you know standard video store in the front and then you know in the back behind the

curtain this is an antiquated thing these days i realize uh uh anyways so i get the thing i'm like gosh i don't want to i kind of want to seem like a thing so I'm like I should rent a regular movie too just you know so I look like I have a broad swath of interest well I've got this Red Dawn this nudie thing

why not also when you were having these thoughts you were preparing for an audition on a remake of Happy Days set in contemporary times. Yes. Anyways, so I select the movie. Oh, my gosh. Well, it's going to be something I actually want to see.

I shouldn't just get something in return. It didn't waste money. I should actually rent something. So I rented a porno movie and Errol Morris' Fog of War. Bravo, sir. In hopes that that Chinese guy would think that I was brainy. Which one made you more hard? Here's the thing.

I did kind of a Pink Floyd thing. I tried to sync them up. You know what's amazing? I got totally high. What's amazing, too, is Errol Morris has that Interrotron, the machine that lets the subject of the interview look directly into the camera,

and that eye contact is like diamond style. I agree. Here's the thing. When I grew up, you had to earn it. You had to work for it. You had to find an 8mm stag reel in the woods.

None of that. In the woods. It would be in the woods. But you had to have the guy's dad who had a workshop who had a stack of Playboys. Then you would take some of those from the bottom, not from the top, sneak off to

said woods, camp out, and then share it and all go, Wow! Oh, what? You like that? No, yeah! And at the time, this was called an all-male camp out. Right. And here's what's horrifying, because I have two sons, and I have... And they asked for a tent for Christmas. And you gave them one.

Boing, boing, boing. But it is... I'm booing you now. You're this close to getting Busey back. But it is horrifying, because I have all the parental blocking notions, that's what they're called, notions,

I'm as tech savvy as you are. Sure, yeah. On every computer in the house. It's called bric-a-brac, parental blocking, bric-a-brac. Bric-a-brac. Bring it back. Just call up the geek squad. Give me some notions on this.

No, listen, I need a notion on this thing. Triple X notion, and I don't want it. Triple X notion, and I don't want it. But it is horrifying that a few errant strikes of X in the appropriate toolbar can bring up any assortment of horrifying hard-on for my son to enjoy. I don't have children myself, but I'm thinking about having children, so I've been looking into the different stuff that you can get on the Internet, and you're absolutely correct. And you're worried that your dog might actually get in. Right.

You know, tappy-tap, pause on the keyboard and accidentally get upset. Ever vigilant. Sure. I am. Well, the thing is, but it is horrifying. Here's the other thing is that, look, it's inevitable that any boy is going to find porn. Ladies, I don't know how many young mothers we have here. Any boy is going to find porn.

Are there any young mothers in the audience tonight? And here's the thing, and don't be fooled, that young boy will remain a young boy for the rest of his life, and therefore he will seek it out for the remainder of his life. Don't be surprised by it. It's going to happen. His father, as he just said, had a bedside table stash

of it. I'm sure he only wishes he had more and a larger nightstand. And his wife probably wishes she had a lot of anyway. The thing that is harder is like, look, my son's going to find porn, fine. I don't want him to find it too often, but here's the thing I'm actually worried about is that...

Wait, I want to let the record show that Mr. Koechner has turned to face the audience to deliver this important insight. This is like some Hamlet shit right here. Maybe I've gotten bored. Listen, by the audience over here, because to me everyone is one.

I guess because it's a general concern, maybe I'm seeking help from any psychologist or psychiatrist in the audience. Or young mothers. Yes, or young mothers. Is that it's going to give them a skewed eye because here's the thing. When I was growing up and we would find pornography, it would only be a singular image of a woman's form, right?

Which on some fucked up paradigm I can say that oh no I'm finding a way to appreciate and then hopefully adore a woman's form sure it's like a fresca it is a romantic notion there is the ideation right

that I adore a woman's body and I do covet it because I'm a man and all men do you actually do rule the world you do a woman's body, and I do covet it because I'm a man, and all men do. Ladies, that's just it. You actually do rule the world. You do. A message to young mothers from David Koechner. To every woman in the world, and I do actually mean this,

women do rule the world, but it's the thing that men create to take away that ruling power is the subjugation through pornography or whatever. And so here's my very narrow premise, and I know it's fucked up from the beginning, and I know it's full of shit, but look, if it's a singular woman who had disrobed, and I adore it, and I covet it, and I want it,

that's a male thing. But there is the thing is it is beautiful to me, right? But on the Internet now, it's all hardcore sex. So it removes that thing, and it becomes an object. And so that's the thing that I fear most is that my son is going to see this thing that is only a usury of a woman, and it's only a thing to be had and to be discarded, really. And that's really horrifying to me. And what's even more horrifying is the number of women and even younger women that engage in this. You know what I'm worried about? Yeah, what? In all sincerity, MySpace bullying.

I've heard a lot about it. Very concerned. MySpace what? MySpace bullying. Bullies on MySpace driving people to suicide. Young people. Young mothers, even. I detect only, only, and I'm not sure, only the slightest hint of sarcasm. Do you guys want to play a game? Yes. Okay. I'm serious about that.

This is... Be watchful. I've seen the eyes of this city. Was it the face of the city? Do you know I bought Watchmen for my son because I didn't know it was such a graphic novel? He's 10. I didn't know. I didn't know.

And you know what? It's a comic book, right? I'm still talking to young mothers. Sure. It's always a challenge to get a young boy to read. And I thought, fuck it, comic books, man. He digs comic books. I'm going to buy a graphic novel, which has been voted one of the greatest graphic novels in the history of graphic

novels. So I sit down and start reading it to him. Oh, were you doing all the voices? Were you doing all the voices? I thought I was going to. I mean, it's so fucked up. Within two pages, I was like, I'm sorry, son. I'm not going to read this to you. I've made a mistake. Wow. I mean, there is prostitution and someone thrown to their death in the first page and a half. It's goddamn. But he was hooked.

Okay. All right. Here's the game, gang. We're going to need two players from the audience, and I'm going to let Dave and Jordan are going to be competing against each other, and I'm going to let you guys choose your own partners here from the folks that you can see in the audience. I want to get a real super-duper kind of Portland local.

Is anybody super interested in playing a game with us? Raise a hand Is the fighting guy still here? Yeah, and Dave, while I'm doing this Just to keep these things interesting Had any good food while you're here? Yeah, actually All of it

Just down the street What street is the main drag here? Jordan's headed out into the audience We were at Gosh darn it, what is it, Firestone? You got somebody back there, Jordan? Fireside? Burnside?

Brewery? Bridgeport, thank you. Bridgeport, excellent. There's a pizza joint down the street. Excellent. Okay, we got somebody. This place right here, McTiernan's. Hair's not long enough.

There's no, right beside, right there. Yeah, yeah, have a seat, have got somebody. This place right here, McTiernan's. Hair's not long enough. There's no... Right beside... Yeah, yeah, have a seat, have a seat. There's no beard and not a shaggy mane. Dave, have you chosen somebody yet? Do I get to choose? Yeah, go ahead. You get to choose a partner for yourself.

I'll get to know my partner. What's your name? Evan. You, sir, had your hand up initially? Yes, sir. You, sir. Come on up. Give him a hand.

Give him a hand. I don't know what this is, but we're going to fucking win. Now, you guys are – Dave, you might want to pull your microphone out and share it. Yeah, awesome. Hello, I'm Rob. Evan, how old a fella are you? Thirteen. Thirteen?

Evan's – your hand is covered in hand stamps you've been you've had a pretty wild weekend then let it be known that Evan made some sort of fuck you gesture you know I feel bad saying saying fuck you in front of you but I guess you've sat through this whole thing

oh my gosh You know, I feel bad saying fuck you in front of you, but I guess you've sat through this whole thing. I hear it every day. Oh, my gosh. What's going on? What did he say? He says, I hear it every day. Look. Because of the internet? Yes.

We're lucky to have an expert here. If there were any young mothers out there in the audience. Dave. I would say, why is your son here? But I'm reminded that if I looked at the program earlier, this is an all-ages show. Yeah, absolutely. Rob, are you all your Portlander as well? Yes, I have lived here my whole life.

Okay, great. Well, these are the two teams for this game. This game is called Dog Breed, Dungeons & Dragons Monster Monster or Some Shit We Made Up. Dog Breed Dungeons and Dragons Monster or Some Shit We Made Up. This is better than some NPR show. What's that called? Yeah. Wait, wait, don't tell me.

Yes. Yes. Thrown in with Garrison Keillor. If the banjo player would come in now, I would fucking love it. Sorry. If only we had Puzzle Master Will Shorts here. I wouldn't pitch such a tent.

So here's how the game is going to be played. I'm going to give each team a set of three names. One of them will be a real dog breed. One of them will be a real Dungeons and Dragons monster from the 2002 rulebook. And one of them will be a nonsense word or phrase that I made up. And your job will be to

pick which is which. Tell us, and I will tell you if you are correct. Of course, the team with the most points at the end will get to eat some of this weird Russian candy that a listener gave me this morning. The team that loses will also have to eat some of that weird Russian candy. Thank you to Casey for bringing the weird Russian candy. Okay, I'm going to start with you, Dave and Rob, right? Rob, Dave and Rob. Okay, here are your three phrases. Alpine docks break. That's alpine docks break. But, B-H-U-T, but. Nice. And vart stinker. Vart stinker. So your three choices are alpine docks Break, Butt, and Vart Stinker. Which is a dog breed, which is a monster, and which is some shit I made up?

You said the 2002 manual? That's 2002, correct. Oh, God. We're using both the monster manual and the fiend's folio. Oh, God. Biggest applause we've got yet. Boo. I'm talking to you guys. Do we need to name each one correctly? You need to name each one correctly to get a point. Okay, sir, could you start with the last last made up name? Vart Stinker was the last one. The choices are Alpine Docks Break, Butt, and

Vart Stinker. They're consulting. We do agree, Rob? I agree. We believe the very first Alpine Docks Break is a made-up name. Okay. But. We don't get the answer until the end? No, you don't find out until the end.

You've got to name all three. You have to name all three. The but we believe is Dungeons & Dragons. Vartstinker. Dogbreed. Incorrect, unfortunately. Oh, yes. On all three? Alpine Doccks break is a real dog breed

a butt is a monster from dungeons and dragons and vart stinker is some shit i made up okay so too obvious we thought you were this goes to jordan and it was at evan Evan, yeah. Jordan and Evan. Okay, here are your three words or phrases. Minor Dubledore, Brussels Griffin, and Shadow Mastiff. That's Minor Dubledore, Brussels Griffin, and Shadow Mastiff.

And I'll give you guys a moment to consult with each other. I only wish there was a buzzer we could buzz in. Clearly, you've weighted the categories towards your friend. Oh, yeah, this one's easy. Sorry, Evan, are you a Dungeons & Dragons player? Speaking to Mike. My friends are.

I picked up one of their user manual things one time. Okay, yes, absolutely. So I'm going to start with MinorDubledore. And I think, uh, MasterDog, Dubledore, what's the other one? Russell's Griffin. We can't do a call in. This is not not... This is not Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. We're playing for Kathy from Tulsa, who will get Jesse Thorne's voice on her home answering machine. Okay, Minor Dubledore.

Okay, Minor Dubledore. Monster. Okay, Brussels Griffin Made up Shadow Mastiff Dog, how do you feel about that, Evan? Sure, yeah Incorrect! A minor Dubledore is some shit I made up

Brussels Griffin is a real kind of dog And Shadow Mastiff is a monster From the Monster's Manual. Listen, dude, hold on. You're gonna give me that I knew it shit? If you're gonna, if you're gonna, if you actually know it, fucking be a good team member. Uh, I can

grow a mustache, so, you know. Mine's coming in, buddy. We're gonna go, we're to go now to Dave and Rob. Here are your three. Yeth Hound, Russian Pooter, and Komondor. That's Yeth Hound, Russian Pooter, and Komondor. I'll give you just a moment to discuss it among yourselves. People are leaving.

They've got more comedy to say. Probably some... One more time, sir, please. Okay, Yethound, Russian pooter, and Komondor. That's the first time I've noticed active leaving. The pooter word is fake. Okay, we're going to start with Yethound. It is a real breed. Okay, Russian pooter. Fake. Komondor. Clearly from the manual Incorrect, unfortunately A yeth hound is a real monster

A Russian pooter is some shit that I just made up So I'm going to give you one point for that And commodore is a kind of dog Okay I hope to never see it You guys have to get one of these correct for a tie, or you have to get all

of them correct to win the Russian candy. Floral Spectre, Jackalware, and Volhund. That's Floral Spectre, Jackalware,

and Valhund. That's a W pronounced as a V, folks. Oh, come on! You get the language of origin? Leading the witness! It looks like there's a prayer circle going on on the far side of the stage with Dave and Rob.

An all-male prayer circle. Wait for the review. Okay, first one, let's say that. We'll decide one by one. Okay. Floral Spectre. What do you think? I'm going to give you the call on this one.

Take the shot. Evan, this is all about you. Unless you know what the shot is. The worst thing that can happen is your... Coffee is for closers, Evan. Coffee is for closers only. Monster. Nice.

Jackalware. That's made up. That's some shit you made up. Yeah. Don't cuss. Walhund. It's dog, right? Dog.

Dog. A floral specter is some shit I made up. What? A jack-o'-wear is a real monster, but a wallhound is a real kind of dog. Yeah. Oh, no. Something happened.

An outcome, perhaps. It's a tie. Here's the tiebreaker. Here's the tiebreaker. This is for either of you. Lightning round. Three questions. Dire rhinoceros.

Made up. Incorrect. Otterhound. Dog. Correct. Bronsonound. Dog. Rail. Correct. Bronson's Pinchot. Monster. Made up.

Monster. Cousin Larry. Stranger. And we all win! One thing. Our thanks to Dave Techner. That's the show! Our thanks to James Adomian as Gary Busey.

Thanks to these guys. Thanks to That's the show. Our thanks to James Adomian as Gary Busey. Thanks, man. Thank you. Thanks to these guys. Thanks to Casey for the candy. We have been the monsters of podcasting. You've probably figured this out, but our ability to do this show, to tour, to do The Sound of Young America, to support MaximumFun.org

is all based on whether or not you step up to the plate and give us a bit of money. We're not talking about a huge amount of money, just a couple bucks a month. Visit Maximumfund.org is all based on whether or not you step up to the plate and give us a bit of money. We're not talking about a huge amount of money, just a couple bucks a month. Visit Maximumfund.org and click on Donate. And, of course, when you do, you'll get all kinds of cool stuff back. Most importantly, though, you'll get that warm, fuzzy feeling every time you listen, knowing that you're listening to something that you support. See you next week on Jordan, Jesse, go.