Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 99: Behind Him All The Way

Episode Date: May 9, 2009

Big Time Gene O'Neill joins Jesse and Jordan to talk about marathons, the prom, and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, maddy, twiddle, dum, twiddle, go a pledge drive reunion.

Plus, we question the motives of a man who runs marathons while pushing his disabled son in a wheelchair. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh oh special guest with us today jordan yeah by popular demand as i uh as i understand it did you had you have you seen special guest i should say have you seen the poll on uh the internet uh where specifically uh maximumfund.org the most important website on the internet. Gallup.com. That's all they got there.

I checked the Pew poll. I didn't see my name. Here's what the poll is. A listener named Janie in San Francisco put up a poll. What regular Jordan Jesse Go guest are you currently fiending for? are you currently fiending for? Now, fiending is, of course, a corruption of fiending in the manner of, say, a crack or cocaine or a fiend, a drug fiend. So what she's asking is,

what guess do you crave in the same way a crackhead craves crack? And guess who won? Me? Yeah, you! Yeah, it was a landslide. It wasn't even a uh what was it two to one you kicked the shit out of jordan jesse go legends like uh ash khan got destroyed yeah um chris fairbanks not even close not even on the list uh it was all gene all the time because you're the most popular man in show business i think my dad voted on that poll like 15 times.

But he voted for Trick Gene. Yeah. Hey, I got a couple of funny overheards. You guys want to start with that? Okay, fine. Let's do it. I have an overheard too. Oh, sweet.

Great. Okay, these are two on the road overheards. Okay. The first one, this was I was in San Francisco for work. I was waiting for the BART train to take me from the airport to the hotel. It's a Bay Area Rapid Transit. Yes. So I'm in the airport.

There's a kind of a, you know, a crunchy older couple. I think they're both wearing, like, Australian hiking hats. Sure. And they're talking to a, you know, kind of older Asian couple. And the woman says, well, where are you guys from? And the woman says, Japan. And the crunchy woman says, oh, we're going to South Korea. That's right in Japan. Yeah.

It's not Japan adjacent. Yeah. that's right in japan yeah it's not japan adjacent yeah um and the other one is um i was working at a uh you got to figure the woman had a plan going into the conversation and she was not gonna no yeah yeah she's like i'm gonna tell these people she's gonna appreciate this it was sort of like gene you you would know what I'm talking about. But you remember in the Walsh-Seifert days of the 49ers, they were well known for scripting their first 20 or 30 plays, their first 20 or 30 offensive plays. Oh, sure. And they wouldn't deviate from them. In fact, part of that was to confuse the opposing defensive coordinator. So I think what they were trying to do is confuse the opposing defensive coordinator. So I think what they were trying to do is confuse the opposing defensive coordinator.

And her husband was stealing that lady's handbag while she was confused. And the other one, I was in Seattle working at a video game event. And I think I've brought this up before, how I was kind of excited to work in a job that included a video game component just because you know I love them

and like just the thought of going to you know a video game event where there's a bunch of the game press around kind of maybe sounds really fun you know a bunch of dudes to talk games with just hanging out talking about video games yeah right what could be better than that but they're all

eating onion rings. I presume. With a couple of suggestions, they're all pretty obnoxious people. There's very few delightful nerds and a lot of uncomfortable nerds. This is one of those instances. I was just kind of waiting in line at the coffee shop that was attached to the hotel and one of my fellow game journalists

was kind of chatting up the 18 year old female barista and he says he's like yeah I'm about to make my way over to a Sony Playstation event but I'm wearing my Xbox jacket they're going to think I'm about to make my way over to a Sony PlayStation event, but I'm wearing my Xbox jacket. They're going to think I'm crazy. Oh, man. James Dean.

That guy's completely mental. I know, right? Man, he doesn't give a fuck. Batting down the hatches, there's a storm a-brewing. He's like the video game equivalent of Lenny Bruce. He doesn't care what the man thinks. He'll saunter in in his Xbox jacket. Also good pointing out to a girl that you're wearing a video game freebie.

Yeah, they always like that. I got this free with my copy of Baldur's Gate, which I pre-ordered. Just five bucks down, and I got it the day it came out pretty good deal i mean five bucks that's serious money but it's no big deal to me yeah i had a in a similar vein overheard this just happened on the way here um i was at the local coffee shop the starbucks and uh i hear this guy say oh man i can't wait for that movie. I love Star Wars. And then somebody goes, no, it's a Star Trek movie. He's like, oh.

Like, how could you be a huge Star Wars fan and think that that's a Star Wars movie coming out? That is the magical moment. Like, one can see not knowing the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek. not knowing the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek, I think you have to figure there's 15% or 20% of people don't know the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek. Yeah, in African villages, Jesse. But to suggest that Star Wars is something that you love. Yeah, I could see being like not knowing what either of those things are and confusing them.

But to love Star Wars and be a huge fan of it and then think, hey, this is a Star Wars movie that's coming out. You know what the ironic thing is? The whole time the guy wasn't actually thinking of Star Wars or Star Trek. He was thinking of Ice Age 2. That's what he loved. That might have been what he was talking about, actually. I think that guy was probably saying, I love Star Wars in the same way that a lot of people say, I love jazz. I think it was that thing. I don't know why you would feel like you had to say you love Star Wars.

Maybe because you're a hanging around movie guy or something. Or maybe he just loves the concept of space battles, and that's what he meant. The very general Star Wars. You think maybe he meant he loves those space missile defense systems, like a Reagan era Star Wars. You think maybe he meant like he loves those space missile defense systems, like a Reagan-era Star Wars strategic defense initiative. Oh. Well, it was Donald Rumsfeld that was saying it, so. It probably was.

He was just hanging out at the Starbucks in the Valley working on his screenplay. He had a final draft open. Oh, man. I hate thoseplay. He's sitting there with Final Draft open. Oh, man. I hate those guys. It's an erotic thriller. You know, I go, sometimes Teresa and I will go to the nearest, like, the nearest, like, fancy coffee shops here in Koreatown are in Larchmont Village, which is not too far from here.

If you go to one of those cafes in Larchmont Village, I couldn't believe how real that is. The number of people working on a screenplay. I know. It's unbelievable. Yeah, I live in the completely untrendy valley, and it's just as big as a problem there. Like, what? And I never actually see anybody typing. It's just kind of staring at it.

Yeah, yeah. For those non-Hollywood insiders, when we say final draft, it's kind of the go-to, like, script writing program. Can I ask a quick question about that also? You guys are more Hollywood insiders than I am, Jordan, with your, you know, on-air job at Fuel. And I think... Hold on, Jesse.

Let me take off my sunglasses in beret gene i think maybe you still work at the history channel not sure no i have a new job now okay non-hollywood job okay so uh prize fighter uh cat hotel you run it or you just like are you just like the concierge concierge yeah, yeah. Head concierge. If you need anything, whiskers. Continental Breakfast is a free copy of USA Today. It can be hard when you're in a new city and you don't know where to find Fancy Feast. And that's all you'll settle for, you know what I mean?

And very few places will host a business cat conference. Right. The Cat Hotel does. Because you have to have special facilities if you know what i mean and i do because i work at the hotel and i saw you winking at me so i i got the double entendre anyway my question is why is there a special program that you use to write scripts in there's no special program that you use to write scripts in. There's no special program that you use to write anything else in. There are many other things that one has to write that have specialized requirements, but they don't cost $200 or whatever and are required to be used. Yeah. Because if you're

some chump moving to Hollywood and someone tells you, you need to spend $200 on this to get into Hollywood, you will. You've already spent $1,000 on lattes just booting up your computer. Yeah. In all honesty, though, I mean, I've used it, and it is much easier than using Microsoft Word. It's basically just alignments. That's all it is. Yeah, yeah.

It's basically like it just puts the cursor where you need it and doesn't give you a problem. But, I mean, you know, if you've ever looked at anybody's script they've given you that hasn't been written with Final Draft, it's just a fucking disaster. So, yeah, it's a, yeah, it's definitely, it definitely sucks that it's kind of the thing that you need. But it's very easily stealable online. Well, sorry. Yeah, always wait until a friend gets it. Hollywood jerks. Never buy it yourself.

Go in. Go in with, like, four guys. Can I get you a triple caff half Hollywood jerks. Never buy it yourself. Go in. Go in with like four guys. Can I get you a triple caff, half soy? Yeah, that sounds great. Yeah, that would be nice. That's my drink. I'll be back in just a second with Jordan and Gene's drinks, and we'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh.

I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm special guest, big time Gene O'Neill. Yeah, and how special is he? Back in the groove. You know, okay. Did not miss a beat. Last year was my age 27 season.

We talked a little bit about this a year ago. In the sport of baseball, the great Bill James determined that your peak most often comes around age 27. Last year was my age 27 season. I think no one can deny that I was almost a categorical failure overall. But it's fine. It's great. And now, Jordan, I'm passing the baton to you.

Thank you. This is your age 27 season now. We both had, since we last recorded and in studio, Jordan, Jesse, go. We have both had our birthdays. I'm now 28. Jordan is now 27. Gene, when's your birthday? Are you 27 or 28?

I'm 28. I know, Gene. It's April 1st, right? Yeah. Got your birthday call. Who's the best friend in the room? Asshole. I knew it, but chose not to acknowledge it.

How am I supposed to know it's your birthday if Brian Lane doesn't call me and tell me that it's your birthday? I think I got your... I did. Yeah, you texted me. Yeah, I did text you because Brian Lane reminded me that it was your birthday. Yeah. Brian Lane knows...

Brian Lane, Brian Beck and Business Lane, sometime Jordan Jesse Goe and Sound of Young America co-host, is the man... And friend. And friend. Knows... Well, he's not friends with the people who are listening right now. He's not?

Well, he's sort of like a radio friend. Well, get on that, people who are listening. In the same way Tim the Toolman Taylor is the people who are listening right now's friend. You know what I mean? That's the... Oh the oh okay i see the distinction okay so uh one is tools and one doesn't have tools one launched the career of pamela anderson um anyway uh brian is brian knows what everyone's birthday is i forget forget what, seriously, I don't remember what Teresa's birthday is. That's my wife. I don't remember what my parents' birthdays are. I barely remember what my birthday is.

Isn't it annoying when somebody knows everyone's birthday? Can't we just all agree to forget each other's birthdays? Yeah, I think so too. I feel like it's that rare. And, you know, I feel like the people who make it a point to know everybody's birthday like we're birthday jilted at some point so like it's a cause and maybe this is my own security because i'm a birthday forgetter as well i remembered your birthday this year jordan you did but i should be clear it was only because of a lucky guess sure i knew the rough

area of the month ish i was pretty sure i knew the rough area of the month ish i was pretty sure i knew the rough area of the month and i thought well it's the third the sixth the ninth the twelfth the seventh and i just guessed one of those the number it was divisible by right now this was only it was a prime number this was only a week ago and i don't remember what it is right now is it the third it is the third okay so it was may 3rd. So I do remember. But definitely, I say, nobody remember anyone's birthday. It's not worth it. Yeah, I only remembered your birthday because you said happy birthday to me.

And I was like, well, fuck, now I got to remember his birthday. So I looked it up like on Facebook or something and made a point to send you a vaguely bitter text. At this point in my life. Vaguely bitter text. Happy birthday, you prick. You've survived another year, motherfucker. Your next one won't be so lucky. At this point, I only get birthday messages from people I don't know on Facebook and MySpace.

That's it. People on Facebook and MySpace get a thing that says it's my birthday or something like that and send me a birthday wish on Facebook or MySpace get a thing that says it's my birthday or something like that and send me a birthday wish on Facebook or MySpace. You know, because we're public figures, you know, 20 people do that or something like that. Yeah, I took that thing off. I eliminated that feature. Yeah. None of those people know who I

am personally. They know who I am as a public figure. But nobody that I know remembers that it's my birthday. Yeah, but why can't people wish you happy birthday as a public figure? Doesn't that kind of... No, it's fine. They do it to Martin Luther King when they take a day off of work.

Yeah, they did it to Stalin and Mao. I just don't want to stoop to Martin Luther King's level. You know what I mean? Oh, good point. You know, just kind of as a testament to... I mean, I know this is old news, and this is not anything anyone needs to say out loud, but I've already committed to doing it, so here it goes. But just as a testament to the slump of MySpace,

I just remember last year, my birthday, easily the most active MySpace day of the year. You know, deluge of well wishes from both fans of the program and from... Just people who saw your sexy pics. Yeah, people saw my sweet pics when I was at spring break. And yeah, this year won a single MySpace birthday wish. I don't think that... Either last year I was a really unpleasant person or... MySpace is dead.

MySpace is not popular anymore. You know, this is something that I did today. This is something that is important to me to kind of get out there. I feel like I've been making strides in my life. I got married. I have a stable income. I have a dog that I take care of and walk each day and clean up its poops. But I failed colossally today.

Today I was sitting here at, you know, 8 or 8.30 in the morning when I woke up. And I was starting to download calls so that I could screen calls for this week's show. And Teresa calls me from the living room and she says, there's a bird on our air conditioner. Now, this is not unusual because the air conditioner sticks out of the window you know i just want a window unit and you know sometimes there's a pigeon on there so i was not impressed and she said no somebody's bird is on the so i went out there it's like one of these like green finches you know what i'm talking about wasn't just a bum's pet pigeon no it was totally not it wasn't just a pigeon that belonged to mike tyson or whatever it was mike tyson at pet pigeons yeah yeah really yeah like in new york he's got like cages and cages of uh pigeons he learned to box after a neighborhood bully killed

one of his pigeons wow i swear to god he didn't learn to box so much as he almost beat a guy to death and someone was like hey you should do that for money. People would give you money to do that. Oh, man. So anyway, I went out there. I take a look at this bird. And it's in a window that has an air conditioner in it, so I can't open it. But there's another window next to it, and there's a screen in it.

I thought this was maybe going to end with, like, Teresa's afraid of birds, so you put it in a napkin and flushed it down the road jesse come get this bird um and uh so i'm like teresa we can't we can't deal with this bird right now like it's non-intervention policy exactly like it's it's someone else's deal and then teresa's like this is somebody's pet like we have to we have to catch it or something so i'm like okay so i i decide that i'm going to try and catch this bird so i open up the window and take out the screen and we live on the fifth floor so it's like pretty far so i'm like leaning out the window and i'm trying to talk to this bird right i'm trying to talk this bird the bird is really well situated what voice are you using

come on bird come on bird come on okay yeah that usually works and i tried some different that's weird Come on, bird. Come on, bird. Come on, bird. Okay. Yeah, that usually works. And I tried some different whistles. See, the bird thought you were hitting on it. Yeah. You should have held up an egg from your fridge and said you had its baby kidnapped. You ever want to see your child again? So, I'm like, do we have any bird seed? Andesa goes into the kitchen like she's like yeah i bought some bird seed we definitely have some bird seed and she just comes back with a

handful of granola right i'm like well this is close to bird birds are stupid right yeah and i put the bird seed out i put the i put the granola on top of the air conditioner because the the far end of the air conditioner is too far for me to reach out the window next to the window the air conditioner is in and grab the bird. Like I can reach about two-thirds of the way across the air conditioner if I kind of stick my whole body out the window. So the bird is at the very end. And our goal is to lure it back to our side of the air conditioner, right? And so I'm trying to like, I'm singing it little songs and like I got really invested in this fucking bird.

And finally it's coming up, it's coming up and then I'm realizing like, what am I going to do? Just like grab it? And I guess that's what you do. And I said to Teresa, should I get a bag or something or should I just grab it? And she says, just grab it. So I'm like, okay, so it's coming, and it finally jumps on my finger.

I try and grab it, and it fucking flies across the alley behind my apartment. So then I'm like, you know what? I'm in for a penny, in for a pound. I'm catching this fucking bird, right? And Teresa's like, are you going to try and catch it? And I'm like, yeah, I'm going to try and catch it and I'm like yeah I'm gonna try and catch it so I go down all the way down to the bottom of our building I jump a fence uh to get into the neighbor's yard I try some doors they're locked okay so I can't get into the neighbor's

building at this point it's sitting on a fire escape in the building across the alley from us at this point this is the most physical activity you've done in some time. So I cross around to the front of the building and I wait. So you lay down, take a four hour nap. Open the door and go up the stairs. And I try and catch the bird there. Bird fucking flies away again. Goes to one fire escape higher. So I go back inside.

I go back up. I go there. I try and grab it it fucking flies away and i'm a failure in life i feel like i have i what is the point of continuing to live when i can't even catch a fucking bird and i'm maybe i'm just uh i don't know maybe i just have my head in the clouds but i was really thinking that story was going to end with you jumping and your uh face ending up in a wedding cake yet another yet another way in which you're a failure this is a real life can't even have an exciting climax to a story not not a mentos commercial jordan

also when have you seen a mentos commercial lately do they still have not commercials no they were taken off uh they were taken off the the market when kids started using them to get high. I thought Mentos had a resurgence when we found out you could put them in a bottle of Coke and make it explode. Only Diet Coke, I think. That was the problem. Oh, no one buys Diet Coke. No, it's gross. Tastes bad.

I'm not going to buy Diet Coke. You'd be surprised how many Mentos I can eat though Would I? No, absolutely Alright, say how many and we'll see if I'm surprised A hundred Alright In what amount of time?

Just over the course of like a month? Over a lifetime? All I'm saying is I have definitely eaten a hundred Mentos In your life? Up to this point? Maybe, sure. Okay. Fine.

Less surprised, but still surprised. But you already were surprised. You can't take that back. You can't rewind the hands of time. I'm pretty sure I can. There's an escrow on the surprise, right? Wait, so Jesse, are you telling that story in order to set me up for a failure of a year? No.

I felt like that's what you were, like, why would you bring it up? You better be successful now because things go downhill quickly. Age 27, you think you're on top of the world. All of a sudden, age 28, things start going wrong, and you can't even catch a fucking little budgie bird, a little green bird. It's, like, seriously, like, like six inches four inches with a blue tail you if you can't catch a green bird that makes it harder to catch see do you think this is like a portent for beginning of the end for you i'm done i'm toast gene i've i had my run i was the

i was the youngest nationally syndicated public radio host ever and that was the apex it's all downhill from here yeah i thought maybe I could make my show better, do better work, change the world in some way, donate money to charity. You learned how to make peanut brittle. Exactly. At one point I learned how to make peanut brittle,

but that was on the way up. Yeah. That was on the way up. Yeah. You know what I did do? I made two fancy milkshakes this week. Is that good? No.

It sounds like further evidence as to you're in a slump. Yeah, I did that when I was 25. Yeah, sorry, man. We're over milkshakes. Shit. Sounds like you've just committed yourself to getting fat.

There's only one choice. Gotta get on the roids. Yeah, start juicing. Gene, you wanna... Gotta start juicing. You wanna stick this syringe in my butt? I do. Yes.

Do you have to ask, Jesse? You just hand the man the syringe and flash your keister. He'll know what to do. Okay, well, we'll be back in a second on my continuing failures on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm big time Gene O'Neill.

Special guest this week on the program. You know, guys, one of the most popular segments, if not the most popular segment in the history of Jordan Jesse Goh, and frankly, in the history of The Sound of Young America, where it hasn't been done in five years or so, is a little segment called Would You Rather.

Here's how it works. We get Jim Reow, the master of Would You Rather, on the phone. He presents us with two choices and asks us which of them we would prefer. If we have questions about those two choices, of course, we can ask Jim. He is the master of Would You Rather for a reason. And then once we have all cast our votes, Jim will tell us whether we were right or wrong. So welcome back to Jordan, Jesse Goh. Jim Rayal, the master of Would You Rather.

Hey, guys. Good to see you. Jim. Good to be here. Excuse me. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim. It's fine. He momentarily forgot what sense does what.

Yeah, right. It happens. It happens to the best of us. Whoops. How are things up in beautiful Santa Cruz, California, Jim? Oh, God, things are so good. Yeah? Are you getting blown right now?

No, guys, I'm playing a lot of ping pong. I'm playing beach volleyball. I'm playing softball in two leagues. Two softball leagues? Two leagues? Jesus Christ, man. This is a Howard Hughes level of decadence. You're like Deion Sanders.

Jim is the Deion Sanders of leisure. I'm happy with that title. Jim has to take a helicopter back and forth between his recreational softball games. Yeah, and he has to rap with MC Hammer. Yeah. Well, Jim, you got a would you rather for us this week? I do. You guys ready to rock?

Okay, I'm ready now. Yeah, I'm good. Okay. Would you rather be electrically shocked every time you use the letter R for the rest of your life or smell vaguely of trash for the next 10 years. Wow. Man, it doesn't seem like there's a lot of benefits on you. Yeah, usually your would you rathers kind of lean more toward the positive, but these

are really rough. This is one of those pick your poison ones, huh? Yeah. This is sort of like the dark knight type would you rather. Where are the electrodes hooked up? What part of the body? What's the locus of current? It's like a full-body jolt.

It's a full-body jolt. It's not located in any specific region. It's just a whole body shock. I can imagine being like, you know, your whole body is overwhelmed by this shock immersion sort of. With the electric shock, would there be long-term consequences or possible even short-term consequences, like it might cause irregular heartbeat or something like that? No, no.

It's just really sharp discomfort, but no long-term health problems, or it's not going to enable other would-be problems. What if I'm having a heart attack? Well, saying the letter R, will that be like a, what do they call those things? Defibrillators. Defibrillators, yeah. Will that act as like a defibrillator? Yeah, that's a good question, Gene, and that can't be predicted.

That's just going to be... If I want to save someone's life, can I rub my hands together and go like, and like right on the chest and be a hero? You could try it, but it may not work. I thought you had all the answers, Gene. Quick question. Let's say underground surgeons have brought me back to life by implanting an artificial heart into my body

it needs an electric charge in order to operate to refill the battery now jesse this is just the plot of ghosts of girlfriends past um jim how strong is that vague trash smell like is it strong enough that um is it strong enough that uh like i how close would somebody have to be to smell it well it's vaguely right they they have to be in your immediate vicinity um it's uh it's it it's it's kind of like when you when you you know when you get into your car and something smells funny and you don't really know where it's coming from and you're looking under things and you really can't pinpoint it. Yeah, I'd say one to two feet. If there's a lot of wind going on, you could stand upwind or downwind.

If somebody met me casually, would they just get the vague sense that something smelled like trash, or would they get the sense that I smelled like trash? No, they wouldn't be sure where it was coming from until maybe the next time they met you or saw you again. They'd say, oh, wow, maybe it's this guy that smells like trash. Or it's like you're fucking them. If you smell like trash, there's no point in taking a shower anymore, right? Like, you can just give up at that point. I assume the shower

doesn't get rid of the smell. The trash smell is an additive effect. What does that mean, Mr. Science? You can smell bad and also smell like trash. You can physically be clean and you're still going to smell like trash. To what extent could I cover

it up if I wore a cologne? Dracar Noir? Dracar Noir. Axe body spray? What was that? You know how you pronounce Dracar Noir? Those long A's? You could imagine dropping some cologne

into a trash can and smelling that. I certainly can. But it's not that strong. It's not that strong. What kind of trash can are we talking? Is this like frat party trash can or is this just like kitchen garbage? It's something like, hey, you just ate at a Chinese restaurant. It's kind of like a city dumpster kind of old food.

There's some dried mustard maybe. Yeah. There's some decomposing newspapers and things like that. So dogs are always going to be jumping on me, right? That's pretty good. That's like a benefit. I'm having trouble hearing Gene in the background. Yeah, that is a benefit.

Gene was just saying that, Gene was just double checking that dogs would jump on him. Yeah, sure. dogs love trash what if i'm like kind of you know strong sense of smell too the sort of sexually masochistic and would and i want to like maybe fool around with this r thing while i'm having an orgasm. Does that enhance? It may enhance for you. I mean, it kind of depends. But not for the lady. Well, no, I mean, if you're the type of person that enjoys pain, then that may be good. But most people don't enjoy pain. So, yeah, if you're one of the rare masochistic people, I guess. Let me ask you this question, Jim. Can I use this power to project out of my body?

Does my body become electrified so that, like, let's say I got captured by a security guard in a mall. He's got me by the shoulders. And then I could just go, rough, rough, rough! And I would do the dog noise. Yeah, like, is this something we can focus to become some sort of electric-based superhero? Yeah, it feels like there's a superpower in here.

Okay, okay. The trash one does not have one. You're not a superhero. This is... Haven't you ever heard of the trash man? Yes. That's a job.

When I was growing up in the ghetto, we considered him a superhero. And his trusty psychic social worker. Oh, man. and his trusty psychic social worker oh man this is a tough one Jim hasn't answered is this something we can focus

we can train with and make it into some sort of superpower no this is not something that you can externally project and use in these potentially awesome ways it's something that you experience externally project and use, you know, in these potentially awesome ways. It's, you know, it's something that you experience and is a discomfort.

But if I have, like, tapeworms or some, like, some sort of foreign body, like, he's done, right? Yeah, no, sure, yeah. Yeah, that would, if it's inside your body, then that would get jolted. Yeah. You know, I barely use the letter R as it is, so I feel like I'd go with that one. I know from watching Wheel of Fortune that R, S, T, L, and N are the most popular consonants. Oh, really? Oh, man. So I couldn't compete on that.

So it would be pretty tough. I mean, I'm just looking around at what could I say with the letter R and what couldn't I say, just different things on my walls. It is not looking that good. Many things have the letter R. Yeah. Oh, I have a question. What if I substituted a different sound? an l for an r like what yeah what if

i use like a chop suey like if i used a chop suey accent and i was like oh i i like lighting in car lie i'm going to lie the lair load yeah what about What about that? Would that, is it? Yeah, that works. If the word has an R but I'm not pronouncing the R sound. No, no, no. It's just if you pronounce the R sound. Or you could use a W too,

I think. Oh, jeez. So you could get around it. Especially if I stuck my fingers at the corner of my eyes and pulled backwards. And had somebody

hit a gong whenever you came into a room. You know, I think, okay, I... Recently there was a bad smell in my office, and nobody really knew where it came from, including me. I was surprised.

And then I think I figured out that it was my shoes. What the hell was wrong with your shoes I don't know they're just an old pair of shoes it's time to throw them away the shoes that you were wearing so the smell

was coming from you yes it was me and I was able to rectify it but at no point did anybody ever how long did this go on like a week

did anybody ever say like I even like you know like hey I think this is me so you know like with a bad smell in a room like if it's faint yeah but they probably all knew it was you but everybody was too polite to say something i had several people come over and smell me and nobody like nobody yeah definitely not you and then you didn't see those people the rest of the week yeah but but didn't they notice that when they left the room it didn't smell anymore? Well, everyone knew that the room smelled.

Okay, your room. Yeah. The thing is, is once they... There's multiple people in the office. Once they left the room, they would, you know, take the rest of the day off. Yeah. Take a sick day, so... I'm just saying, it seems like it's, you know, it's easy enough to pass off a bad smell as, like, something that's in the air,

unless it's, like, coming directly from your butt or something so is that your choice yeah i think i'm going garbage and because it's limited i like that the fact that there's an end in sight you're like all right only nine more years of garbage smell like you could like have a countdown it would even be kind of fun now what about you jean you got a pixel like a lent calendar well let's say i'm ever caught up in the plot of a crank movie i I think I want the electricity thing. Have you ever electrocuted yourself? Mildly, like on a, what do you call it, on an outlet? Yeah, like you accidentally plug in a fork instead of an outlet.

Yeah, I think that's happened to all of us. Yeah, sure. Yeah, it's not that bad. It isn't. But it does kind of make you feel weird afterwards. You know what I mean? Yeah, but I bet if you're also playing a concert and you're playing electric guitar, man, you'd kill it. That would be really sweet.

Okay, so Gene, you're definitely going with electrocution. Firmly on the electrocution. I'm with Jordan here. I think there's two key considerations one is that i just don't want to change my lifestyle forever i'm 28 right now i if i'm stinky for 10 years you know i'm already married uh sure my my babies will know me as old daddy stinky you guys realize you're always going to have to have another person in the room with you so that oh yeah so because if it's you and like i say a girl

or something or one other person what smells you're like oh i don't you know you want you need to have someone to point here's the thing i think what my approach would be to have babies soon and try and have maybe three kids one every three years over the course of the next 10 years and then i can always have a baby whose diaper i can blame it on. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but you smell like trash. You don't smell like baby diapers. Those are distinct smells. I don't know. People have indistinct senses of smell.

You know what I mean? No, you're right. And I probably use Glade plug-ins. And you barely leave the house as it is. Right. That's a good point. If I'm not trying to catch a bird, it's unlikely that I'm leaving the house. I mean, sure, if I see something green and fluttery on my air conditioner, I'll head out the window and see what I can do.

But as a general rule, I'm going to go with 10 years of vague garbage smell. Now, of course, our friend Jim Rayal is the master of Would You Rather. And as the master of Would You Rather, he knows the correct answer to this question. So, Jim, spit it out. What is it? Well, Gene is the correct guesser. Oh, my God. This is like the first time I've ever gotten this right.

I always feel like – I always thought Jim just, like, picks the opposite of what I said. No, there's a couple reasons why you're right, Gene. I bet there's more than that, but let's hear him. Well, there's a couple. Gene's confidence has grown considerably. Maybe I'm still 27 after all. Yeah, well, you know, you're human and you can adapt. This is something that you could adapt your lifestyle to.

you can adapt. This is something that you could adapt your lifestyle to. And the smelling like trash is kind of risky because you could potentially destroy a lot of personal relationships

that you currently have or ones that you may not have yet. Could you imagine? Well, all of Jesse and Jordan's personal relationships are beyond salvaging from my understanding.

I've done a pretty good job of fucking those up. And I smelled fine, thank you very much. And you already smell like trash, Jordan. Oh, yeah. So, Gene, way to go. Thank you, Jim. You've chosen wisely.

Fuck me and the balls. Jiminy Christmas. Well, you can't win them all, huh? Yeah, this is an awful day. What a bad day this is. Oh, man, this is the best day of my life. First that bird gets away, now I fuck this one up. What else could go wrong?

Man, first I get the answer to would you rather right. Who knows what the rest of the day holds for you. Maybe you'll win a softball game. I'd go buy a lottery ticket. I'm on my way. Later, suckers. Well, Jim, thank you so much for helping us with that game of Would You Rather. It was great, as always, to have you on the show.

Anytime, guys. I'm going to go run and jump out of this helicopter and land on the baseball diamond. Bye, Jim. See you guys later. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. It's Jordan, Jesse, Go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Big time, Gene O'Neill. Gene, you remember the best part of public radio, right? Nope. It's pledge drives. Pledge drive? Yeah. Oh, I see what's going on here. We're off.

You're turning it off. I'm only here because it's pledge week. I thought I was here. I thought this was like a how do you do, but I'm basically the lesbian kiss. This is sweeps, Gene, so we're bringing out the big guns. This is the stunt casting. You're the most popular man in show business.

Why did you think we would bring you in here? This is like when Ted Danson came on Frasier. You guys are just using me. Because you know my dad listens, and he's going to buy all the products that you mention. Like that one time when you were like, oh, whenever I rent a car, I make sure it's a Kia.

And then the next day, my dad rented a Kia, and he already has his own car. Into a tree. You blame me for the Rondo incident i do um it is jordan it's pledge drive time right now yeah it is pledge drive time we so far we've just this morning as we record this broken our 300th pledge for the pledge drive oh uh and i there's been some confusion i just think this is something we should clear up right now okay so when you say someone is part of jordan's platinum angels there are different pledge levels you can give two dollars a month five dollars with ten dollars a

month and if you give a hundred dollars a month that makes you one of jordan's platinum angels if you give two hundred dollars a month that makes you one of Jesse's Golden Eagles. Why? What was the confusion? Oh, no, I just... $100 a month, and you're one of Jordan's Platinum Eagles. I got an email. I had been bandying about the term Jordan's Platinum Angel

in reference to all the people who personally mailed me a check for $7. Right. And you're mistaken. I mean, at the end of the day, what Jordan's Platinum Angels are are people who give $100 a month. Rebecca is the first Jordan's Platinum Angel. Yeah, there's only one in existence.

Very rare. So far. So far. Anyways, a nice listener named Heather, who does the Sound of Tomorrow podcast, wanted her friend Ross to be one of Jordan's Platinum Angels. And he says, can I mail you a check for $7? And I said, hey, just throw it in the Maximum Fun bucket and we'll call it even. But then I realized that you have since co-opted that term.

So I'm sorry. Reappropriated, yes. Sure. I'm sorry, Ross. Made an homage to. Dynamified. I don't think you're officially one of jordan's platinum angels but uh can he be one of jordan jordan's brass angels can jordan's brass

angels be people who send seven dollars to jordan he can be he can be one of uh jordan's tin parakeets what about jordan's special helper? Jordan's special helper. That's good. There you go. He helps me collect all the pencils after art time. So we've had 300 people have donated so far. And so far what this has meant for us is that I was able

to offer, and we'll see, an extra day of work to our editor Nick in Chicago. God bless his little heart. Which is, you know, that's your donation money at work, and there will be new stuff on The Sound of Young America because Nick can work an extra day. Our ultimate dream goal, 500 new donors. And when you give, you get all these different thank you gifts.

Now, as I understand it, Jordan, you're interested in offering a special thank you gift this week. Yeah, yeah. I mean, kind of all your well-wishers have been so nice about donating pledged premiums for people. This is only for Jordan and Jesse Goh listeners. Yeah. Yeah, none of you coiling sharp hangers on are going to get any piece of this action. No, if, Jesse, as I understand it, you have a, you know, cornucopia of fantastic gifts ready for people who donate.

Yeah, anybody who gives $10 a month or more gets a gift in addition to their special limited edition t-shirt. So you get the t-shirt and another gift. If you want one of your gifts, right now, I am willing to part with five signed 8x10s of myself. Now, these are 8x10s of you. Of me. These are not 8x10s of, you know, these are 8x10s of you. Of me. These are not 8x10s of, you know, whatever. This isn't a car ad I've ripped out of a magazine. Now, this is a sacrifice for you because you would otherwise be using these 8x10s, what,

to try and get a discount on your dry cleaning? Sure, absolutely. To try and get a sandwich named after yourself at your local deli? To let the Italian place know that they have great pasta. Uh-huh. Hey, remember that Seinfeld where he writes there's nothing finer than being in your diner and then wants it back uh that's a good one uh so yeah uh you know I I you know I use these for my you know for my uh auditioning and things like that. So, you know, they're valuable to me.

But I'm willing to part with them, and I will sign them with the personalized message of your choice. Wow, of your choice. So if you want me to sign it to, you know, one of your kids or, you know, to your company. What if they make you say, will you marry me? I mean, I'm not actually prepared to marry anyone. I mean, I'm not ruling it out. Well, but you'd be asking them if they request on the picture. I'll write it on, no, I'll not actually prepared to marry anyone. I mean, I'm not ruling it out. Well, you'd be asking them if they request...

I'll write it on... No, I'll write it on a picture. I'll write, will you marry me? When you sign it, it makes it a contract. Yeah. Uh-oh. That's the definition of a contract. Is that a double bind?

Something that you sign. Okay, here's... I believe that's a Sophie's choice. Here's the caveat. I'll... Oh, that's a... Really? I'll sign the picture, but don't make me do anything I don't want to do.

Is that Schrodinger's cat? Oh, yeah, you're right. It is Schrodinger's cat. Okay, go ahead, Jordan. The Island of the Blue Dolphin. Round the great horn spoon. So try to get Jordan to do something he otherwise wouldn't want to do. If you want to get the most out of your pledge.

Don't get me to do that. I'll write anything, just don't make me do something I don't want to do. If you want to get the most out of your pledge. Don't get me to do that. That's just it. I'll write anything. Just don't make me do something I don't want to do. Okay. Boom. So this is the problem solved. We've given you,

this is our 99th Jordan, Jesse go episode ever since this was called untitled Thorne Morris project. Yeah. This episode 99 of Jordan, Jesse go. That's roughly 125, 150 hours of entertainment that we have given you. And what we ask in return is money. Money.

Cash money. For that. American for that. All you have to do to donate is go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. Let's just say you don't want to look at Jordan's face all the time, so you don't want one of those autographed pictures. Let's say Jesse's your favorite, or Gene. And we're, of course, not offering autographed pictures, because we're not actual show business

celebrities. No, but it's nice to kind of throw that option in there like a thing. I guess we could take digital pictures of you guys and email them. Well, I can sign a picture of Jordan. Yeah, Jordan can sign. Yeah, sure. And I will write anything on there. Hey, Jesse, would you make Coco put a little dog print on a picture?

Yes, I would. Would you dip her foot in ink? Possibly. What would we use? Poster paint? It would have to be. Just an ink stamp, right? Oh, like an ink pad.

Sure, yeah. Absolutely. I would do that. Oh, man, what a Hollywood dog. You can rubber stamp his signature. And, you know, if you don't like that stuff, we got books. We got video games. We got CDs. We got this. I'm looking over here at the pile.

There's Mitch Hedberg's new CD. There's the Hold Steady performance DVD. You saw the Hold Steady and they were amazing, right? Man, yeah. I've seen them twice and there's no more rockin' band in the world of rock music. We got this book that's compiled completely of weird emails that people have gotten from their moms called Love Mom. There's this book called Mr. America that's about one of the first, like the 98-pound weakling guy, like the guy who said,

are you a 98-pound weakling? Use this system to buff up. That book was highly reviewed by the Onion AV Club. Oh, yeah, very. I think it got an A. It did get an A. Which is very rare in the Onion AV Club to get a straight ahead. I mean, an A minus or a B plus, maybe.

I think the Onion AV Club is like basically like critically in terms of judgment. Yeah. Yeah. There's no one else you should. There's no one else you need to check. You can always take their word for it. This great book, Bad Cop. The author was just on the Sound of Young America.

He became a police officer after September 11th and discovered he was really bad at it. There's all kinds of amazing, awesome stuff. There's a huge list at the website, but just go to MaximumFun.org to donate. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. Yep. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, sweetheart jordan morris boy detective big time gene o'neill ah it's a beautiful day here in los angeles huh it sure is okay guys yeah uh similar to the things i overheard okay cat segment i have things i oversaw okay um number one construction of the pyramids at giza

the egyptian slave driver all right so right there's a few of these smattered around L.A., but on my way to work, there's a billboard that shows this guy pushing. And he's in, you know, runner gear, pushing a wheelchair. Are you talking about short pants? Yeah. The shorts with a number on them and, like, that funny little small, like, hat that they wear. He's, like, mid-marathon or 2K or something. Yeah. Quick question. Is he wearing technical clothing? Does the fabric look like

it's wicking at all? Anything you just said. Is it wick? Does it look like wicking? What is wicking? Is it wick? Is it wicking? Wicked. Sure. Have you seen Wicked, Gene? It's wicking. Gene, we're trying. It's furiously wicking. Where is Kristen Chenoweth? How does

she fit into this? Oh, God. You guys have already lost me on my own segment. Okay. Okay, anyway. And the guy's not just running. He's pushing a wheelchair. And it says on the billboard...

There's a person in the wheelchair. There's a person in the wheelchair. And it says, Dad's been behind him for 65 marathons. This is a pair of people. It's a pair of people. It's a pair of people. It's a father and son who run marathons together, but the son's in a wheelchair. Yeah, I suppose.

This is meant to be like an inspiration, just a general inspiration. It's like a PSA, right? It's not advertising anything. Yeah, possibly funded, I think, maybe by the Mormon Church. I want to say it's funded by the LDS. Okay, I i mean forgetting how mind-boggling it is to run one marathon let alone 65 but then the guy's also pushing a wheelchair now here's my question like the kid that's in the wheelchair like does he get credit for running the

marathon like for doing the marathon like does he think i guess technically if the tad won the marathon the kid no win the marathon. No, but, like, are people afterwards like, hey, congratulations on... Wouldn't this suck if the dad, if they entered the marathon, the dad won the marathon, but because the kid is in front of the dad,

because the dad is pushing the kid, the kid actually wins, and he gets the medal. Or, like, maybe he, like, at the the end he pushes his kid and just lets go. Imagine if Jackie Joyner-Kersee had had a disabled child. If Flojo had had a disabled child, imagine how many gold medals they would have won. The first disabled young person to win a gold medal in the Olympics.

That's what it would have been. All right, I imagined it. 50 Swings. Okay, another question. young person to win a gold medal in the olympics that's what it would have been all right i imagined it here's a okay another question um but like i mean okay if you're in a wheelchair there's people who actually do the marathon in a wheelchair by themselves like they actually use their hands to power it and that's that's amazing but like for the kid who's just sitting there being pushed well doesn't that mean like his entire life that he's been in the wheelchair he's been in a marathon yeah i mean he's just five marathons yeah i don't think no but i mean even when he's not in an actual marathon if it's like the criteria for the dad is that he has to actually run for four hours time straight the

kid is doing something he would have normally been doing anyway. Do you think that the kid elected to have this lifestyle? Do you think the kid was at home playing video games, you know, with a stick attached to his nose? Or I don't know how paralyzed this kid is. No, I'm not saying that. Obviously, this is delicate ground. Okay, so to whatever extent this kid is disabled, he's enjoying his favorite activity. Okay? And I'm going to presume he has speech. I don't know a lot about this kid is disabled, he's enjoying his favorite activity. Okay. And I'm going to presume he has speech.

I don't know a lot about this kid. I've only over... We've only seen a blur of him. I've only oversaw a picture of him in my wife's Runner's World magazine. Okay. So I'm going to presume that this kid has the power of speech. And he looks at his dad and he says, I'm sick and tired of reading this book, playing these video games, doing all these various different things that people in wheelchairs could do. I wish I was bumping along a road for 26 and a half miles with no power to control what I was doing.

Yeah. I mean, do you think he enjoys these? It doesn't seem like something that would be enjoyable. One of these things, it's like when you're 8 to 10, 8 to 11, you just love doing stuff with your dad. You know, going with dad to work. This kid looks kind of like almost approaching adulthood. I think he's a teenager. I think that's the thing.

I think the problem is that during the first marathons, it was during that period that Jordan was describing, and it was like getting invited to go to work with dad. And it's cool. You get to use a rubber stamp on some envelopes, and you're right on the underside of dad's desk and he gets angry at you or whatever okay so that's great you put on his shoes and it makes you look like you have giant feet exactly then you sleep with your dad's secretary then you get to around 14 or 15 and all of a sudden it doesn't seem that neat to run in a in a marathon with dad dad's still pushing it though he won't let go right and how long does it take to run a marathon even if you're

like the fastest marathon runner what's minimum it takes to run a marathon it's like what three or four hours you're looking at three hours so the guy pushing it it's like what are we looking at six hours maybe yeah five hours so it's just sitting there for six hours like i can't even watch like a movie for three hours. Yeah. You know, like, I can't passively receive stimuli while sitting on the couch for three hours like that. But then just watching the backs of people running. If this is 65 marathons, at some point...

There is nothing to do in that house. At some point, there was a conversation where the kid asked if he could bring a magazine or a Game Boy. And it was the worst day in the history of that household. There was a blow-up. You know, sometime at Marathon 52. Yeah, you can't play a Game Boy while you're doing the marathon. And here's the thing. My dad was a marathon runner for a while, and there's one marathon a year per city.

And then if you want to run more, you have to run more you have to travel to move to that city yeah you have to achieve residence in the city and so you know he would fly dad was never consistently part of your family right it's like the grateful dead uh yeah so i mean if this kid has done 65 marathons like he probably has to go to boston or chicago with with so that's like his life basically is he's just following marathons he's just a marathon ornament do you think they're raising money for something they must be raising money for something right maybe the plant maybe the dad is bragging they'll raise money for something but then the kid is like okay but what we're raising money for is a 3do i want to get all the money because it's so expensive 1993 i'm presuming that this kid had

a similar childhood to my childhood and the best thing you want a neo geo yeah neo geo exactly that's what he's saving up for he He wants to get the Virtual Boy goggles. Kid's a king of fighters completist. So if you're not going to donate to Jordan Jesse Go, at least buy a wheelchair-bound kid a 3DO. So he doesn't have to keep doing these marathons with the same magazine. Bare minimum, a Philips CD interactive so he can play Sherlock Holmes Consulting Detective.

Bare minimum. Don't just get him the educational titles. Get him some entertainment titles as well. He wants to play all the Zelda games, even the cutty ones not made by Nintendo. Exactly. So he's going to need a CDI. You can buy them at Blockbuster. There's an infomercial for them.

Oh, gosh. Okay, well, that was fun, huh? We'll be back in just a second. Oh, wait. Let me see if I can remember any 3DO games. Okay. Shit. Super Street Fighter 2 Turbo came out for it. Okay, well, that was fun, huh? We'll be back in just a second. Oh, wait, let me see if I can remember any 3DO games. Okay. Shit.

Super Street Fighter II Turbo came out for it. Okay. Total Eclipse. Okay. Might have came with it. What about In the Hunt? I don't know. That submarine game. You're thinking of Hell and Hunt.

Oh, yeah. For 3DO. Oh, yeah. Where you get to be her and choose roles. Shoot, they had a couple Mortal Kombat. Hey, Gene, was that... I'm done. That's all the 3DO games Where you get to be here and choose roles. Shoot, they had a couple more to comment on. Hey, Gene, was that... I'm done. That's all the 3DO games I can remember.

Was it maybe the 1990 National League playoffs? Glenn Braggs broke a bat swinging it. Like, he hit it on his back during his follow-through and broke it in half. Oh, that's maybe a little too baseball obscure for me. What should I do? Should I go with basketball? Sure. Remember Sharunas Marshallonas? Sure. obscure for me what should i do i remember when i go with basketball uh sure remember uh

sharunis marshallonis sure did he do did he break something on his head or back he was just cool i always liked him lithuanian guy if i remember correctly yeah remember when bo jackson broke the helmet on his head after a strikeout that was crazy crazy. Yeah. Okay. Well, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Indulgences, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart and Jordan Morris boy detective. Big time Gene O'Neill. Great to have you here, Gene. It's great to be here, guys.

Thanks, Gene. You're welcome. Okay, here's what we're going to do. I spent my entire morning screening Jordan Jesse Go calls. We had in the Jordan Jesse Go inbox more than 150 calls. I saved some for next week in case we don't have any next week. I deleted a whole bunch of good ones just because, you know, there's only so many we can listen to.

This is the creme de la creme. Absolutely. We're going to start with, we're going to, saving momentous occasions for later, just a few calls, folks with issues that need us to help them out with them. Hi, Jordan Jesse Go. This is Robert from St. Paul calling with a momentous occasion. Last Sunday, the morning after my senior prom,

I watched my best friend and my prom date slash love interest do some heavy petting as I was trying to sleep on the floor. Earlier in the night, she had said that she had no interest in him and there was nothing going on between floor. Earlier in the night, she had said that she had no interest in him and there was nothing going on between them. But today I found out that they've been hooking up for the past two weeks. Any advice? Thanks, guys. Okay, I'm going to start with this.

Yeah. I think she was lying before. Saying bros before hoes would be a little empty right now. That would be a little bit of right now that would be a little bit of that wouldn't be i don't think that's the kind of advice he's looking for he's looking for more of a patient thoughtful type of yeah i was hoping to just say that and check out looks like i'll have to put on the surgical gloves i would continue to keep putting myself in that situation and pretending you're sleeping so you get to watch yeah dude awesome see if they go okay that's that's really callous advice yeah save up some of that hate for

later toward can explode at an inappropriate time if you need a burst of power after you've weakened like around age 28 you can use it then remember in the movie minority report when that guy like he leaves and uh so and then his wife is going to like have a an affair you know and then he comes back and he was like I never could see without my glasses and then like he stabs her to death with scissors or he tries to but then Tom Cruise

saves the day. Uh huh. Yes. That was the minority report was great. That was my point. The minority report was an awesome movie. Yeah where's minorityity Report 2? I think that's what we all are wondering. That was what the phone call was about, right? Okay, can we seriously answer this?

I guess it wraps up pretty nicely. Yeah, too bad. Okay, can we please? Prequel? Excuse me, guys. Yeah, prequel. There's a teenager who needs help here. If we're not here to guide teenagers, what are we here for?

Would you rather see the Minority Report prequel or the Jurassic Park prequel? Isn't there a way they... They're pretty much the same movie, aren't they? Wait, what's the prequel to Jurassic Park? Just a guy trying to invent dinosaurs? All the science! Jesse, yeah! The tedious lab

work! The finding of the island, deciding which island is going to be Jurassic Park. How that old guy makes that cane with the amber. Jesse, there's an island full of dinosaurs. Of course there were mishaps and adventures before Jeff Goldblum and his cronies got there. Or maybe the movie's about Jeff Goldblum and how he got to that point. About his math career.

It's about how Jeff Goldblum gathered all those odd affectations. Yeah. And those black clothes. So this is what I think. What do you guys think about this poor kid? His sweetheart that he just went to the prom with, he wakes up the next morning, and his sweetheart and his best friend are making out in their, like, prom room, hotel room. Yeah.

You know, it's just awful. It's just an awful awful shitty thing to happen man i uh it's really horrible yeah i don't know i think just uh i think i think he's gonna come out the winner on this one like 10 years down the road i know that's like no consolation to a teenager because a teenager's life is right now right but teenagers think they're immortal am i right that's why they think they know everything. Just because they have to show old dad how to hook up his email. All right.

I mean, because here's what's probably going to happen. Those guys are probably going to get married. Sure. Right. Because your love interest got pregnant. Right. And they're going to have, and then that guy's got to get a job. Could you see whether the guy was wearing a condom?

Because if not, I'm asking the guy. He said heavy petting, Jesse. He didn't say penetration. He didn't say watch them fuck. So they're probably not pregnant yet. So he should trick them into getting pregnant. I don't know. They probably are. Yeah, try to...

Well, I don't know if that's good advice either. Here's what I... Unless you get to watch. Here's what I think. Here's what I think. People do really dumb stuff when they're 18-year-old dudes and ladies, and they're ruled by their crazy wanting to do it. They do even dumber stuff than they do when they're grownups

who do similarly dumb stuff. And so I think it's a horrible thing, and you have every right to be just crazy pissed at them and everything. And here's hoping that if they ever get it together to apologize to you sincerely and whatever, that you can find it in your heart. I don't support that advice at all. No, really? You can go with Jesse's advice on that. I have separate advice.

You can go with Jesse's advice on that. I have separate advice. I say you internalize this, and you just have some real crazy... You bottle it up like Diet Coke and drop a humantos in there. You bottle this up. You picture yourself murdering them. Real crazy stuff that you wouldn't tell people about. But don't act on those feelings. Do not act on those feelings.

You sublimate them and then one day you'll turn it into some beautiful art yeah hopefully a screenplay yeah wasn't that nice jordan what do you think yeah i mean yeah you know what okay you have the right to be a dick about this absolutely you have no the right to be a dick about this. Absolutely. You have the constitutional right to be a dick about it. But I'm going to say don't be a dick about it because you'll feel better. I know that's tough to say. Like, hey, in a couple of years you'll feel like you took the high road. And I know that's a shitty thing to say.

Here's the thing. Take the fake high road. Absolutely take the fake high road. So you're saying fake the high road. Is that are you is that what you're saying jordan fake the high road uh i don't know i don't know to what level you want to be pissed but yeah you know yeah no be like you know what i say you should do what bake the high road oh yeah oh man you don't need an excuse to smoke weed. No, be exceedingly nice to them. Act like nothing ever happened.

Act like you didn't see it. Actually, and then you should tell this girl, like, all your, dump your feelings on this girl. Make her feel horrible. Be like, oh, you're the one for me. And tell your friend, like, you are the best friend, like, I've ever had. Oh, yeah. Man, like, what a guy. And get them both gifts like you know what i might be kind of for something like that i mean i'm for not like if make them tell you okay remember the seinfeld episode going to the hamptons when george

is in laws they know he's lying they make him they make him ride the lie out he knows they know that's what you do is you you make them take this lie all the way to the Hamptons. Yeah. I don't think anyone has ever made a life decision based on the going to the Hamptons episode of the Seinfeld that worked out. Well, I've made several based on other Seinfeld episodes. I feel like more people have ruined their lives with the inspiration of the going to the Hamptons episode of Seinfeld. Do you remember? going to the Hamptons episode of Seinfeld.

Do you remember? I remember one time a friend of ours when we were in college had gone on like one date with a really cute girl or two dates maybe. And they had gone pretty well in his estimation. And he had like called her and she didn't call him back. And, you know, she was trying to dump him without like calling him and dumping him. But he decided that inspired by the going to the hamptons episode of seinfeld he would pretend like she had never broken up with him until she broke up with him no but that's different because she was trying to be nice about it she was trying to

be nice yeah she didn't these guys these guys are assholes fuck them. I say take this all the way. Oh, shit. I had a great point. I feel like our advice is all over. Oh, yeah. You know, here's some just kind of general advice. And I think maybe you've brought this up when this friend of ours, you know, did this in college, was that, and something I think it's important for, you know, a young man to know is that, you know, that those complaints that you want to make about girls being hard to figure out or duplicitous or whatever, it's like when you're, you know, when you're 16, girls seem impossible to figure out and they seem like,

you know, they're talking out of one side of their mouth and you know but like that i don't know that basically it makes you look like a jerk when you voice those concerns uh just have a chick positive attitude you know nothing is more if you would like to parlay this bad experience into perhaps another chick encounter uh just maintain that chick positive attitude no see i think that works in the dan example yeah have that chick positive attitude no see i think that works in the dan example yeah have a chick positive attitude a girl is trying to nicely say i'm not interested you mean yeah when you say the dan example of the friend whose name we didn't use dan was the uh you know sub name pseudonym pseudonym yeah um sorry uh john um anyway but no no but these people totally

absolutely deserve the full brunt of your malice seriously if i met you and i had never heard this story before and you told me this well maybe i'm a bad example because i'm a guy of course i would appreciate can i make a so can i make a bedrock suggestion don't try and get back to together with this girl well obviously that may seem obvious but it's not obvious to a teenager that's true teenagers think they know everything they think they're immortal yeah they think they know how to set up my email but they don't i invited the neighbor kid over and he fucked it up well there you go i just want my name at juno.com how hard is that yeah well you know where i think we did a good job on this one yeah we really gave him a lot

of really clear valuable guidance and we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go it's jordan jesse go i am am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Big time, Gene O'Neill. It's time for a very special portion of the program, guys. Momentous occasions. Yeah, let's get it over with. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, this is Marissa calling with a momentous occasion.

I just got asked to prom on Twitter. So clearly I am from the future and deserve a Today Show story written about me. Thanks, Internet. Asked to prom on Twitter? Yeah. You've got to say no to somebody who asks you to prom on Twitter, right? I don't know. How handsome is he?

Yeah, that's how the kids interact these days. I don't think kids like Twitter. I mean, I guess we don't know how old this girl is. Yeah, she's like 26. Well, she's going to prom, right? Well, I was going to say, you can get asked to prom if you're a weird 30-year-old. Jordan went to prom several times as a weirdo. Yeah, like way, way after he graduated, Jordan was still going to prom.

Yeah, king of prom. Are you going this year? I don't know. It just seems so fake. Everybody's so phony this year. No one's asked him yet. If anybody needs a prom date...

Hey Jordan, hey Jesse. This is Nick from Seattle. I was making out with my girlfriend earlier and it started to get a little freaky. I looked down at the t-shirt I was wearing and realized that I had just become

the first person to get a BJ wearing my Jordan Jesse Go t-shirt. Clap, clap, clap, clap. He's discovered their secret power. Yeah, yep. So everybody else out there who bought one, it's just a matter of finding out how to unlock that power. Just sit back and watch the BJs roll in.

All you got to do is put on your shirt, take off your pants, and head out the door. Fully erect. Oh, you know, okay, but, you know. Okay. Go ahead. You have a Jordan Jesse Go shirt. Perhaps we're being a little phallocentric.

I imagine maybe there's a lady out there who, you know, modesty has forbidden her to call in, but I feel like the Jordan Jesse Go would attract cunnilingus as, you know, in addition to. Primarily. Sure. Nerd cunnilingus, specifically. Nerdalingus, yes. Yes. Nerdilingus, yes. Yes. Jordan, hey, Jesse.

Holy shit, all right? I'm running about 20 feet behind this dude. He's on a bike. He's having it pulled by about six dogs. He's got them harnessed to the bike. They're pulling him. He's got this little pen thing that he's dragging.

I got some pictures of it. And I put them up to the floor. Am I right? Love the show. Bye. He was polite, too. What? I don't understand

what was going on. He was running down the street behind a guy. A guy was being pulled by a team of dogs on his bike, and he was also pulling a tent-type thing. Was he at the Iditarod? Our listener chased down the street while calling us, and then he was polite about it

and took pictures that he offered to put on the forum. That is a class act listener. I don't know. I mean, in this case, the guy was okay about it, and took pictures that he offered to put on the forum. That is a class act listener. I don't know. I mean, in this case, the guy was okay with it, but I don't think we can condone listeners pursuing people for the purpose of, like, getting something on the show. Jordan, do you think that this guy, who rides a bicycle that's pulled by a team of dogs,

is not used to being pursued by people? No, I'm just saying, like, in this case, it was fine. He's always getting chased. It's a slippery slope. I don't know. I say pursue whoever you want. Yeah, I don't think you should run and talk on a cell phone at the same time. Send us the bill. That's what I say.

Hey, Jordan, Jessica. This is Audrey and Nick From Portland, Oregon We're calling in with a Momentous occasion We're at the Noble Rot right now In Portland, Oregon Having dinner with you

And you're eating dinner with two finks And you won't say anything Oh, the finks got me, Jordan What? You didn't know about this when we're all right yeah i'm just putting the pieces of this puzzle together we were in portland oregon okay now jean i'm gonna bring you on board with this yeah you really gotta elucidate me here there are certain people in portland oregon who have been listening to jordan jesse go telling my sister-in-law things i say on jordan jesse go and then my sister-in-law then tells my wife about stuff that i say on jordan jesse go your wife

doesn't listen to the show no of course not the show's boring g um these people are essentially, if I might boil it down to a single word, thinking on me because they are thinks. And it turns out I had my birthday while we were on tour with the Monsters of Podcasting in the Pacific Northwest. My sister-in-law and my father-in-law, both of whom are immensely kind and generous people, hosted a birthday dinner for me in Portland. Now, who do I think is coming to my birthday dinner? Of course, I think I'm going to be there. My family members are going to be there. A couple of close friends of my family who happen to live in Portland are going to be there.

Of course, my friends, the monsters of podcasting, Jordan, Scott, Merlin, and Sandwich are going to be there. Who else turns out to be there? Finks! Finks were there! That's who was there! Yeah, I mean, I can see how you feel A little jilted

Look It was my birthday I wasn't gonna start a fight In a restaurant On my birthday I'm not big time Gene O'Neill That's when you can Get away with it though

Yeah You'd be like It's my birthday And they're like Oh Okay Okay Let's just go to the next one

There's nothing good Can come of this I'm starting to freak out. Hi, Jordan and Jesse. This is Doug from Canada and the Forum. I'm just calling to give a momentous occasion. I just donated to the Maximum Fun Drive at the level of Jesse's Golden Eagles. And I'd like to remind listeners that we need to care about protecting the things that we care about,

which is maximum fun and having maximum fun. Thank you. Clap, clap, clap, clap. This guy is at Jesse's Golden Eagles. That means $200 a month. He gets free admission to MaxFunCon next year. He is a true hero of MaximumFun.org, and I'll tell you what.

If Doug from Canada, that gentle, kind spirit who just called in to let us know about this, can give up $200 a month, then I bet you can give up $5 or $10. Right? Yes. $5, $10, $20? You can't do that.

No, no, no. Doug from Canada sets a pretty high bar. Yeah, they've got socialized health care up there, so he's got a little money to burn. He's got a few extra loonies hanging around. Yeah, that's just two less cigars he's going to light with $100 bills. Okay, one last call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse.

This is Lauren from Phoenix of the usual Lauren and Leanne calling duo. Moment of occasion, I recently discovered that I can do a pretty mean Lisa Simpson laugh. So, okay, here we go. Okay, thanks, bye. That was okay. That was pretty good. That was pretty good. That was pretty decent.

A lot better than I can do. Yeah. I'll tell you what Gene can you do better than that? Nope It's a B The only Simpsons thing I ever remember

Is that Boo Earns thing Everything else Is just getting In and out of my memory I can say yeah Like Jason Statham Oh yeah? Yeah

Yeah Good work Yeah Good work Well we all have our gifts You know we all have our gifts okay we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morris bully detective i'm big time ginoneill always a pleasure to have big time here huh jordan it is what it what an uh a pleasure and an honor treat oh you guys a rare treat it is it is a very rare treat all right a little more come on give me a little more i'm i'm barely here gene you're

looking big you've been working out you're looking pretty big all right all right that'll do gene you've got beautiful balls thank you for letting me do this interview uh pantsless um oh gosh uh no special action items this week we're going to talk about making friends and picking sports and stuff next week on the show which just this show is so chock full of shit um uh 206-984-4FUN is the number to call if you have thoughts about the show if you have we're gonna do anything for the uh hundredth episode is that move is that what i don't know what we about the show. Are we going to do anything for the 100th episode? I don't know if we're going to do something special. We should ask people what we should do on the 300th.

Can I be on it? If you can hang out here until next week. If you leave, it's with Nolan Boyd. Shut up, Jordan. I needed a place to stay anyway. I could just sleep in your bushes. Now Gene's going to sleep in my bushes again come on jesse you have nice bushes he was there for two and a half months last time they were good bushes i finally had i finally had to plant bushes outside of your house jordan

and grow them really nice so that he would switch yeah but i didn't you didn't. You didn't? You just told me you did? I just told you. I came back to your bushes. That's why my toothpaste kept disappearing. Gene's not about to move to West Hollywood.

Yeah, it's too crazy out there. Too waspy. Too Hollywood. 206-9844-FUN. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design. And the Max Fun Drive ends on the 15th. It ends absolutely positively. Dead ends on the theme music. Love you by the free design. And the MaxFunDrive ends on the 15th. It ends absolutely positively. Dead ends on the 15th.

So you've only got, what, a few days to get yourself an awesome thank you gift and to support The Sound of Young America and Jordan Jesse Go. Yeah, get out of bed already. Yeah.

Tell me about it, Gene. Jeez, clean up yourself maximumfund.org slash uh donate it's what's uh paying my rent and uh a tiny bit of jordan's rent and it's not paying gene anything sorry buddy oh uh but you know he gets residuals i still i get to sleep in jesse's bushes as long as he's still living here. So if you keep Jesse in bushes, you keep Gene in shelter. Shelter from the rain. We'll see you guys next time on Jordan, Jesse, go.