Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Evangelical Subaru, with Chris Fairbanks

Episode Date: December 19, 2024

On this week’s episode we welcome back comedian, Chris Fairbanks (Do You Need A Ride?), to chat about selling knives and meat, car dealership nativity scenes, trading art for surgery, and so much more!See Chris Fairbanks on tour in your city! Justice for migrants. Please consider donating to Al Otro Lado this holiday season. Be sure to get our new 'Ack Tuah' shirt in the Max Fun store.Or, grab an 'Ack Tuah' mug!The Maximum Fun Bookshop!Follow the podcast on Instagram and send us your dank memes!Check out Jesse’s thrifted clothing store, Put This On.Go see Free With Ads and Judge John Hodgman LIVE at SF Sketchfest!Come see Judge John Hodgman: Road Court  live in a town near you! Jesse and John will be all over the country so don't miss your change to see them. Check the events page to find out where!Follow brand new producer, Steven Ray Morris, on Instagram.Listen to See Jurassic Right!

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective, here with another thrilling installment of our popular segment, Reading the Net. Yeah, this is a segment where we say that we've read it on the World Wide Web.

Yes, and it's called Reading the Net. Yeah, Reading the Net is the name of this. Yeah, there's a lot of wild, wonderful stuff out there on the net, if you just know where to look. Okay, so you were surfing, gopher. Yeah, plugged in my modem, got mom off the downstairs phone. Uh-huh said ooh Time for some Kathy Ireland gifts An hour later, I'll be able to see most of her

Kathy Ireland Anyway the Ireland. Anyway, so I we've been talking on the show about, you know, soothing things to browse on the internet, nice, nice places where we're like the world, you know, will not pop up. Yeah. Jordan, by the way, if you have a lot of marbles, I learned this on r slash marbles, you're trying to figure out what the most valuable marbles are First you can want it want to separate out anything. That's a glass. Eye. That looks like a cat's eye Anything cat's eye that is not valuable. That's not gonna be valuable. That's a common marble Yeah, and then anything solid in color and clear those are called clear ease

Separate those out. Those are nothing. Okay, then you can start to take a look at what's left. You're going to want to hit it with a UV light, two different wavelengths. Sure. And the ones that have cum on them. Cum covered marbles. Those belong to the murderer. Sure. Anyway, go ahead, Jordan. Yeah. So this is a subreddit that we've talked about before, kind of in the vein of r slash marbles, r slash root beer. This is of course r slash Archie Comics. It's dedicated to the exciting world of Riverdale. Yes, exactly.

Not the CW show. That's a separate subreddit, r slash Riverdale. No, the fictional town. The fictional town, yes, that theurid CW show is based on. Jordan, today at the flea market, I came very close to buying you a cigar box full of the Zuka Joe comics for Christmas. What? Oh, man.

Get back there. I want it. I want that for Christmas. Sorry. Fuck, I could have had that for Christmas. Sorry, I got you that Alta-Dena old-fashioned days t-shirt instead. That was really good. Thank you very much.

I loved it. You're welcome. Fuck, a whole cigar box full? Yeah, a whole cigar box. Man, I would have been laughing at those for fucking weeks. They were like taped to little like archival pieces of paper or something. Really? Little slips of paper. Yeah.

Anyway. So this is from rslash Archie Comics. I mentioned that this website was wholesome, but this one, this one, this was kind of a saucy post and it's kind of why I took note Oh interesting. So this is kind of a montage of Archie characters in in low-cut tops Oh, okay. I was gonna my guess was gonna be if you permit me a guess It was gonna be which is a hotter threesome Archie Betty and Veronica, right or Archie Jughead and Betty Sure. No, this is this is not that this is just you know Archi, Betty, and Veronica, or Archi, Jughead, and Betty?

Sure. No, this is not that. This is just, you know, this is pictures of like the female characters in low cut top. So you know, Betty, Veronica, Josie, Josie and the Pussycats. Jughead's bi-curious and Archi's cool with it. Yeah. I have some episodes of Riverdale you might enjoy. Oh, okay.

That sounds fun to you. Excellent. Those kids get up to some shit. Yeah, but yeah, these are just these are just comics images You know of the female characters in low-cut tops and the caption is my answer My answer when people ask me where did your love for boobs and cleavage come from? People are always asking that, aren't they? Yeah, the other day I was getting on the bus, I put in my 25 cents in the fare box, and the bus driver said, hello there, sir, can I ask you today, where did your love of boobs and cleavage come from. Watch the closing door. It's so weird to love boobs and cleavage.

This guy. Yeah. Yeah. So apparently pages of Archie comics. That's really nice. Does that reflect your experience Jordan? I mean, I don't want to speak as to whether you do love boobs and cleavage. Sure. Jesse? I do. Especially if they're attached to Miss Cathy Ireland. Yeah, Cathy Ireland, sure. Yeah. Sports Illustrated. Anyway, so yeah, if you're wondering, there's a lot of crazy freaks out there who love boobs and cleavage.

I seriously cannot go to Kmart and see her line of home goods without getting home. Oh man, all those home goods. Oh my God. I'd like it if she was in my home. That'd be good. You said it. Our guest on Jordan Jesse Go this week is, well look, one of our favorite pals, undoubtedly, without question, one of, if not the greatest, Jordan

Jesse Goh guests of all time. He can make a strong case. I think, look, Nick Adams is dialing the phone to yell at us right now for suggesting this. He is, of course, brilliant stand-up comic. I've seen him back on the stand-up stage on Instagram recently. He's an extraordinary interior designer, speaking of home goods, a gifted artist, more recently a trouser hammer. Yeah. And of course the podcaster behind Among Other Things Do You Need a Ride, Chris Fairbanks? Hey, thanks you guys

Who's this Nick Adams guy? Nick is a good friend of ours who's maybe been on the show even more than you. Oh, okay. I thought okay I thought I was just a fan. That's like that we call to say no. No, no, not one of the better guys No, it's just a friend a close long-standing friend of ours Who's also very grumpy? Okay good also meaning me I? I realized yeah, that just feeds into my I just need everyone's approval, and that's not healthy But I got it from doing stand-up. Yeah, you guys mind if I open my guest appearance by apologizing for Eating an entire bag of mushrooms at the

last Max Fun Con. I had just started my non-drinking version of myself. Chris, I don't mind. I was blurting things to people, bizarre truth. I was just saying everything on my mind And I think people thought I was crazy and then I made everyone lay on their backs and look at the stars Like a drill sergeant if I remember correctly And I didn't participate in looking at the stars Jesse. I did and it was amazing I didn't hear losing my mind mind I heard no complaints about it All I heard was how great it was to hang out with Chris Fairbanks when he had eaten too many mushrooms

I and I was forced I was giving the mushroom I didn't eat the whole bag because I gave about half of them away to people I don't remember why I had a giant bag And I'm not a mushroom guy. Mm-hmm, but that was the place to do them But not the place to have conversations with strangers. Do you remember, can you like remember stuff that you said to people? Yeah, a lot of it, I'll remember it just while walking and I audibly go, and shudder at the idea of what I was saying out loud, but nothing nefarious.

Have you continued your journey into mushroom interest? No, no. I took them during 4th July last year and all it did is make me hate fireworks and I see it as dog abuse. Wow. It made you empathize with dogs. I was hearing every dog's voices. Meet Tem voices meet temp find on I think it's called Before the show we had a conversation

Where you press on your you press on your leg and you feel it in your yeah And if you press on a dog, you can feel what they're thinking and it is I don't like Dodger games a lot of fireworks I love the area. I just don't like the celebrating. I understand. But anyway, I did stand up on mushrooms and it was very fun. You did a great job? But I've not ever since done that. Everybody loved your set?

It was fun. I liked that I was fun, but I don't like, as my dad would call it, losing control of my brain. Yeah. You know, my brain was new in its own thing. Have you replaced mushrooms with something else? Like religion or? No, I've tried to get into eating weed edibles when I'm going to a movie or I'm going to a party.

Yeah, that can be fun. One of our podcast sponsors has like sent me a bunch of gummies and they really work. Like the ones for sleep, ones for intimacy, others are for like focus and they all are way different and I'm like getting into that but I just nibble on them. But they're fun, yeah. But yeah, I still haven't been drinking and man, is it boring. I still every day, I'm like, ah, I should be going and doing things. I've become a real shut in. Have you just like no alcohol at all?

Right. Okay. Yeah. And that wasn't my plan, but it's just, no, it's, I don't know. I don't, I didn't really think it through. Now you're keeping the streak. Yeah, yeah, too many benefits I've noticed, but socializing is not one of them. Fucking benefits. Yeah.

401K, raw, your dental vision. Dental. Free gym membership. Yeah, you can just hand a dentist an AA chip and they have to do whatever Anything you tell them to all right. Let me get in there they say Buzz buzz, but halfway through no more Nova cane I like to call back some of the stuff that light-hearted commentary about the guy getting shot Our

By I'm noticing you're having a night coffee. I am yeah seems fucking psychotic Oh, yeah, I'm someone that can have caffeine and sleep really eight hours. Oh my gosh every once in a while though Yeah, that's not true. I'll fall asleep, but then I'll wake up at 4 p.m. In a panic sure thinking birds are in my room Even birds are in my room. You shouldn't have let those birds in. I should not have nailed this. The birds are in your head, Jesse. You don't drink coffee because of your migraine. The birds are in your head.

Flap, flap, flap? Yeah. And hate, hate, hate. They're hate birds. They're hate birds. They hate you. I'll tell you what. You guys should give up coffee because all I have in my head are love

birds. Really? They sound cute. I love the foley work on this show. My beautiful wife Teresa. Birds are flapping around in my head for my beautiful wife. I love her so much. That's gorgeous.

But do you, are you finding the weed gummies to be unpredictable or are you not? Right, I'm not that comfortable with having a whole one or doing standup on them or most conversations, scary movies, driving. Actually the sleep ones often don't make me sleep. I'm just high and trying to write jokes and then the sun comes up. Adam Lickman I can't really do stuff. That's my, like, I'm not, the reality of my lifestyle is such that there's not a lot of opportunities to eat a marijuana product and, you know, let the chips fall where they may?

Yeah, because you have other humans depending on you. Yeah. I'm a lone wolf. Oh, yeah. I'm like a hitman that's never killed anyone, so nothing like a hitman. Chris and I can just gobble brownies and head to Atlantic City. Yeah. Again, you mean?

Yeah. He means mesquite. Jesse, hold down the fort here. Okay. Chris and I will be back in four days. Have fun on the boardwalk, guys. Well, one of us will be back in four days. We always come home early because we'd get there and go, oh yeah, I don't gamble.

I don't know how. Sure. Yeah, I've had... It's hard. The rules are hard. So my neurologist told me that I should consider trying mushrooms. There is like a little bit of evidence around mushrooms and migraine. Oh, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. My dad has had a headache since he was 21,

just a nonstop consistent, not migraine, but all the medications they've tried on him, like the shot, that newer shot that almost took him out internally because he got so... Can I say they were constipated on this show? No. Please don't. Just blocked in a way where they were in a panic. He now smokes weed in the garage out of a neon camouflage bong.

And it's the only thing that's ever helped him. And he's seen the top headache people have been flown in, because Excedrin has eaten holes in him. And trying to fight these headaches has almost killed him with medications. The marijuana did not help my headaches. Oh, okay. Did great for my intimacy. Right. But not to brag, but I'm happily married to lovebirds up here in my head. Sure. All thinking of your boner, go on. Yeah. However, it didn't work for my migraines, but there's

been some studies around migraines and mushrooms. And we had some guests here a year or so ago, six months ago, I don't remember, who are professional marijuana enthusiasts. And they just had a bag of drugs to hand out. And I was like, well, I'll take those mushrooms. They had some like encapsulated ones, like some highly dosed ones. And they've just been sitting in my bureau because it is so inconvenient to try a drug in my lifestyle. They aren't, if they're in capsules, I would guess they're micro doses.

Yeah, well, there's multiple, you can take a very small dose, yes. Yeah, because I've done that and it's great. I'm not a big, hey, here's a bag of them. I'm going to do them this weekend, guy. But the microdosing does help. I don't know for headaches, but it does open up your triglyceride triads or something. Sounds right. And plaque on the brain, all these terms that I remember from hey want to have fun having a mom with Alzheimer's

there is a an effect that I saw all these words again when I was looking at the benefits of microdosing. So it's good for brain plaque or the I think they're try at I don't know the little flux capacitors in our but let's just say rods and cones Firing and those cones, it's that seems right Scoop scoop. Yeah. Yeah the flap flap flap beautiful life Flat beautiful wife Beautiful wife scoop scoop beautiful wife. Jesse so you have these mushroom caps. I have them.

You've had them for like a year or something. Yeah and I haven't taken them. I can take all your kids to another disgusting clown movie if you want that. They went to the- What's the latest disgusting clown movie? You took them to Terrifier 3? Jordan took Grace, my oldest, who's now 13. She is completely unbothered by the most brutal, upsetting horror films ever.

Like, gore does not even- So are my knees. glancingly bother. Kids are like, yeah, it's fake. There's real problems in the world. There's plastic in the ocean. I can watch a clown eat off someone's face. Kids are smart. My wife has watched all of these hellraiser movies with her. And like my wife has to like close her eyes or she will get ill and genuinely be worried she's gonna throw up.

She will get dizzy. All kinds of crazy shit will go down. But enjoys the movies? No, she hates it. But she feels like somebody has to watch it with Grace so that she can process it. That's great. I like that you're not forbidding Grace from watching this.

That train left the station a long time ago. Hey, she likes shooting guns. The kid likes picking pockets. Good to have a hobby. Look, you gotta pick a pocket or two. Yeah, I take her down to Atlantic City, we go on the boardwalk, let's some watches. I like horror movies, and I took Grace to see this. And we really did have a lovely time. We had a lot of fun.

What's it called? Sorry. Terrifier 3. Oh, it was Terrifier 3. Yeah, and it's really fucked up. I was like, it was three notches more fucked up than I expected it was going to be. Right. Jordan saw a Terrifier.

I saw the first one, yeah, and I was like, all right, I kind of know what this is. I read about it enough to where it's like there is some, and it has to be like eating babies or something that we were, I had a feeling the way it was worded that it had something to do with Santa Claus and right? Yeah, there's a lot of like, so there's a lot of like crazy gore, right? Like chainsaw up the butt, we talk about it. Sure, sure, why not? There's a lot of crazy gore, right? Like, chainsaw up the butt, we talk about it. But there's also this emotional terror of parents, something happening to a kid in front of their parents,

or something happening to parents in front of kids. There's also this element of, oh, fuck, that would be the most psychologically horrible thing to happen. Did you look up the guy that made it? Is it like a Kind of creepy Eli Roth? I don't know anything about that. Yeah, I don't know anything about the person that made it I think it is like a Kickstarter thing or something like that. So I think you know and judging by the Filmmaking. Yeah, maybe not someone who has been to film school

I saw that it was on video and Ron Howard's brother was in it, but I did oh, yeah Yeah, Clint Howard can't yeah. Yeah, but I I did want to see it I it had rave reviews, but yeah to bring a kid. I'll tell you this I don't mean to brag Jordan, but a lot of our listeners thought That I couldn't handle going to horror movies with my daughter. Oh boy Because I had to were you getting clown movies with my daughter. Oh boy. Because I had to- Were you getting clowned, so to speak? Call in Jordan. Yeah, indeed.

Oh boy. I took my daughter to a horror movie this week. What did you guys go see? We saw Nosferatu. How'd you like it? It was fucking amazing. I mean, it was very, very terrifying. Oh yeah?

You know, it's so fucking upsetting. This is the Robert Eggers one, right? Yeah, the Robert Eggers one. And you and I had gone to see the Lighthouse when that was released. And I thought that was totally amazing. Great movie. Spectacular movie. But again, very scary and upsetting. And this is like, the Lighthouse had a lot of parts that while, you know, reasonable people may disagree, I found funny in addition

to being terrifying. Sure. And not because they were bad, because they were audacious or amazing ideas, you know, that kind of funny. Yeah. And there was a lot of farts in there too. Oh yeah, sure. When there are a lot of them, I'm not misremembering.

There's some farting in Lighthouse, so the vampires fart? No, no, no, no. No, in the Lighthouse there was farting. In Nosferatu, yeah, Nosferatu was like that, but without any of the funny parts. Just dire and terrifying and 10 out of 10 intents from the first second on screen. Oh my gosh. There's no part in the film, really, where they're introducing the characters and nothing terrifying is happening. It's pretty much terrifying from tip to tail.

Oh my gosh. And everywhere in between. Yeah. Did Grace like it? Grace liked it OK. I think she would have preferred if it had more Parents being dismembered in front of their children and vice versa. Yeah, yeah or something

Yeah, I thought it was amazing though. I always liked like I got into horror movies like Dead alive and things like that with gore effect practical gore effects And I always thought that would be a really fun job to make a head that looks realistic and have it explode or stop motion animated creatures. Like I love when a movie does that. And you're good at making stuff. You could have that job right now. I really would. You know, my Halloween costume this year, which was a guy in a tub. I've so I loved your hell

I brought up your Halloween costume on a previous episode. I read skateboarding in it I thought it would be funny to show because there's a guy Basically carrying me in a bin, but it's just a mask that I thought was from terrifier 3 But it's just a random saw looking guy. But there was a little eyelet in the chin, so I had some filament or fishing line and his jaw was moving, so it really looked like someone was carrying me and I used my legs from last year's

Elvis dead on a toilet costume. So it really looked like I was a guy in a bin. That's good that you're recycling those old costumes. That's really like sustainable Sometimes those memes pass you can't bring it back Yeah, yeah, you get Elvis dead on a toilet was so 2023 you can't be moodang next year, right? Yeah, it it I fell right because it's hard to skateboard when there's a bin and you can't see Yeah, and I hit a pebble and fell in it

It's hard to skateboard when there's a bin and you can't see and I hit a pebble and fell in it They put it on that thrasher Hall of meat, which is usually people breaking their ankles Sure, but I think people couldn't tell if it was two people or one person So they rewatched it over and over and it broke some record Really? Is that I mean It's thrasher big deal to the skateboarding community 15 year old me thought it was cool, but I got no I mean, Thrasher, big deal to the skateboarding community was this. Yeah, 15 year old me thought it was cool, but I got, I mean, no one followed me or whatever the things we all worry about. He didn't see any like tangible benefit from it.

No, no. But cool, right? It is cool, yeah. But at parties when I wore it, people thought that maybe I worked in a prop department and I thought, well, that would be fun to make. You start doing it kind of freelance. You start making some limbs at home. I mail them to Tom Savini.

I still love doing stand up, but my brain keeps going like, what else can I do as a job? I don't know why. Just because, you know. Making limbs seems reasonable. Yeah, it does seem reasonable. I mean, do they spurt? Could they spurt? Oh, like, yeah, I'd have to take the shoes off, but I don't what would come out of toes? Just toes shooting. I mean, my first thought is semen, but that might be the context that we're

on Jordan. Sure. You should probably just say come. Right. You are an owner, as I am, of the popular VCH. I just had a stroke. Take it again. VHS that you put in a VCH machine. Yeah, VCH. Edward Penis Hands, which was a parody of Edward Scissorhands,

but it's a bunch of penis. And it was pretty good. I guess that's a funny one of those. It wasn't funny, but it's a bunch of penis. And it was pretty good. I guess that's a funny one of those. It wasn't funny, but it was hot. Yeah, from back when they thought that while- You're not laughing, but you're jacking off. Yeah, yeah. The two things everyone always wanted,

and Hustler nailed it, laughing while climaxing. Two things that always should go together. Yeah, I mean, let me put it this way about Edward Scissorhands. Did I come ten times? Yes. The exact correct number of times. I guess I know Edward Pena's hands as maybe kind of like an urban legend thing, and I wasn't sure it actually existed. Does it exist?

I literally had a copy of it. It was just one of those tapes that floated around. So was it like a duplicated tape that someone like dirtbagged or brother made? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was in the woods for a while. Ian Lovely had it, real name, and then somehow I ended up with it. Wow. Is like...

Or my house. Is it just something insane or is it something one could jack off to? They, yes, because they keep the comedy and the love scenes separate. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. So yeah. It's got some laughs, some plot. You're saying there were a few flap flap scenes.

Yeah. Flap flap flap flap, right? Yeah, yeah. Tweet, tweet, William and Mary. Yes, I like the way, what is a pornography website, which is the collection of love scenes? So passionate yeah But yeah, I I would love to work on such things I don't know why I'm thinking and I thought what's the last horror movie I saw and I was convinced It was the other night, but it was gladiator 2. It's very very gory. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and

and gladiator 2 it's very very gory oh yeah really yeah and and yeah my girlfriend was looking away when things were happening do we see any of Denzel Washington's viscera? His he there's a scene where all of a sudden there's a wet spot where all of a sudden there's a wet spot. But I don't know, it could have been anything. But he was watching Edward Pienaar's thing. Yes, yes, yeah. Right, it's a period piece.

It takes place in 1994. It is very gory, yeah. But it was great. We went for the Pedro and stayed for the... Credits. Mezcal, or whatever. There's another guy with the same name in it. Pedro Pizcal and Paul Muskell

Oh The stars of it. I can't stop talking about I'll tell you this about this nose for R2 I don't know who played nose for R2. I mean this guy looks like a real one period Yeah, but I will say We don't see that anymore. Oh, sorry Sorry I will say. Jesse, we don't see that anymore. Whoa, sorry. Sorry. Jesse. Sorry. Sorry if the PC police are coming for me.

This guy was a real wump here. Oh my God, stop. Steven Yeh, are you hitting the edit button? I'm cutting this all out. The husband of the film is Nicholas Holt. Oh yeah. British actor Nicholas Holt. Oh, yeah. British actor Nicholas Holt. That's like when he pops up.

Then they also have Willem Dafoe. He plays an occultist doctor. Wait, Willem Dafoe is in it and doesn't play the vampire? Yeah. Insane. Wow. But here's the thing. So the other day I was doing Bullseye and I had Jude Law on the show.

Oh wow. Who sat right there in the seat. You're sitting in Jordan who's a very beautiful man. It's like if Nicolas Cage was in a movie called The Yelling Guy. He didn't play The Yelling Guy. He's the Yelling Guy's dad. So Jude Law is in a movie with Nicholas Holt right now. Great kid.

You went to hear the episode. It was a very interesting interview. And I, in passing, joked to Jude Law that because of Jude Law's unbelievable face, they had had to cast Nicholas Holt, the only person with a more incredible face than Jude Law's face. Because Nicholas Holt has an unbelievable face with his eyebrows and like these cheekbones. He's just unbelievable to look at. Yeah. You were saying you wanted to take his face off.

Yeah, exactly. And then I was like, oh, well, I mean, I guess they could have put William Defoe in it. Not thinking that Nicholas Hold and William Defoe work together in this Nosferatu This is the most face that any movie has ever had these guys are looking at things Raising eyebrows are they reacting? Oh my god people's faces with the bones and the brows and the eyes and Everything is it black might? No, it's color. Full vibrant color. You know what my favorite face movie is? What's that?

Edward Penis Face. Okay, let's take a break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Goh. It's Jordan Jesse though. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan? Yes. I'm in the holiday spirit. Yes! Yes! Here comes my N64. I got you a Jaguar. You know what? Not a Jaguar car, an Atari Jaguar. Oh, yes!

Finally, I can play whatever games were on that. Yeah. Okay, here's the deal. Yeah. You know, Hodgman and I were on the road when the election happened. And I really felt a lot of the feelings that people in the Max Fund community were having about the election and state of the world. And I was very glad that we could, you know, do comedy for people just as I'm very glad that we can do comedy on Jordan Jesse Goh and, you know,

lighten the load a little bit. It is a very, very scary time for a lot of people in our community. And not just our community of Max Fun Fund listeners, also our home community here in Los Angeles and our community of friends. And so my wife, Theresa and I had a big conversation about, can we try and really do something? Because obviously, I don't get involved in electoral politics because of being an NPR journalist. And I really wanted to like, and I'm no longer the owner of Maximum Fun, I'm a worker owner. And I wanted to like really try and do something heavy duty, serious for real. And so, I'm going to do, we're going to do a campaign, a charity campaign here. And I'm hoping that people will support

us. A lot of people came through and we had those bumper stickers last year, and I'm hoping people will come through again. It's this, there's an organization. So, Teresa and I used to work in an immigration deportation defense firm in San Francisco long ago. And it was like the best one in the country. And several of the people from that law firm now work with a nonprofit called Al Otro Lado, which means the other side in Spanish. And Al Otro Lado does direct services for people on both sides of the US Mexico border, and specifically migrants. So that means both people who are in Tijuana seeking asylum, people who have been deported to Tijuana, people who are in

California and Texas and need help and support, people in the many open air detention facilities that the United States has established where people are essentially living in fenced concentration camps in the elements. All these people who really desperately need our help. They do, they offer free legal representation and legal orientation for people. They are opening a welcome center for deportees in Tijuana because if you get deported from the United States, whether it is just or unjust, you just get dumped with nothing immediately on the other side of the border, even if you're, you know, Guatemalan or whatever. It is a really, really vexing thing for me and Teresa, not just as people who used to work on these

issues for our jobs, but also because, you know, I live in an immigrant community. I grew up in an immigrant community. My stepmother is an immigrant who was undocumented. And I have seen firsthand the terror that US policy visits upon migrants. And it's sort of the opposite of the values of the United States or what they should be. So that has been the thing that I've been thinking the most about in the last few months. And so Teresa and I got together and kind of like looked at our finances and said like, what could we do about this? And this is what we're going to do. So for the next six weeks or so until our Jordan Jesse Goh Judge John Hodgman show here in Los Angeles, I am hoping to raise $25,000

over that time for Al Otrolado. And I'm hoping that you $25,000 over that time for Al Otrulado. And I'm hoping that you who are listening will participate in that, whether it's $5 or $500 or $5,000. And every dollar that Jordan Jesse Goh and Judge John Hodgman listeners and your friends and family donate, Teresa and I match but up to $25,000 there's $25,000 is a lot but I'm glad and proud to do it but all you have to do is we made a special URL it's all otro lado org slash let's do something because it's just sort of an opportunity to do something with these feelings that we're having

and really directly impact people's lives. And I know, Jordan, you are participating in the campaign. I'm very grateful to you. Yeah, yeah. The last time we raised money for these folks, I was super happy and excited to kick in. I didn't know about them until you brought it to my attention. It sounds like a great organization and I always love getting their email updates. A wonderful set of folks and I'm happy to kick in this time. I'm excited to do it and I think you and Teresa are really cool for putting this together. This organization is really like absolute best in class and they're really close to

the ground. So like the money that you donate to Al Otrolado is going directly to helping people. And like, you know, in our immigration law system, there is unfortunately no right to representation. People go into courtrooms where they do not speak the language, they do not have an attorney advocating for them. And whether or not they... Look, I don't... I believe that borders are not real, but whether or not the laws of the United States or the laws of the international community would allow them to migrate across borders, they're often out of luck simply because they have no one to represent them. Often people are deported to Tijuana. They have no recourse at all.

Alotrolado works very hard on family reunification. People get deported with their children left in the United States. People get separated from their families when they cross the border and are put in detention. And there's no like ice information booth where they help you with that. They're just like, fuck you, eat shit, good luck with your new life. Probably your wife is in Fresno or whatever. And that's one of the huge things that I'll throw a lot of works on. And it's all like very close to the ground. It is very efficient use of your money. It's the holiday season. I know, I'm sure some of you, some of you think at the end of the year about whether you're going to give, and I hope that you will choose to do so. And I hope we can

get to this $25,000. So it's altrolado.org slash let's do something. And we're going to have one of those thermometers. Hey, love to watch it go up. I talked to the folks at Altrolado. I'm like, can we get one of those thermometers. Hey, love to watch it go up. I talked to the folks at El El Trollado. I'm like, can we get one of those fucking thermometers? Nice, nice. I'm like, what I think will make this a success is if we have one of these thermometers. Right, you know, one of those thermometers that people don't use for thermometers anymore.

Exactly, exactly. So we'll also put the link in the show description, and I'm very, very grateful to everybody who participates. Again, if you're feeling lousy about the state of the world and the and I'm very, very grateful to everybody who participates. Again, if you're feeling lousy about the state of the world and the state of our country, I think this is a really great way to just do a concrete thing that you know will make an impact in somebody's life who could use the help. So it's alotrolado.org slash let's do something. Let's get back to the bullshit.

It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, I got it. I'm Chris Fairbank's door-to-door knife sales boy. Oh, boy. They've sent I'm Chris Fairbanks door to door knife sales boy Boy said a boy to do a man's job. Well once I get That galley set sold I'll become a salesman sure. Yeah, but all I've sold so far Hat that doesn't ever propeller on it. Yeah. Yeah my little hat that has little knife blades

Gee lady Yeah, my little hat that has little knife blades. Oh gee, lady! What do you want to cut? Bring me a can so I can throw it in the air and cut it in half! Maybe I'll shoot this slingshot that's always in my back pocket. I used to sell knives and it was my favorite thing to do was because we had to have our little routine. So you would just pick a neighborhood and go door to door and read doorbells. Yeah, it was so dangerous. What a simpler time. And it was it started with the get 10 people you know and ask them for 10 people.

And pretty soon you've exhausted all of your family members and you go to the mall and your own grandma hides from you because she thinks you're gonna try and sell her cutting board. But I, yeah, I did that for just a summer. I was like 16. And I would say, okay, I want you to get your, sharpen your best knife out of the kitchen

and see how it stacks up against the petite trimmer with the double D edge. And, uh, and one time I was so frustrated. These edges are double Ds. Yeah. I've seen those in Archie comics. They are sharp, heavy hangers and all natural thermal resin handle. And, uh, and I, one time their knife, like they obviously sharpen their knives all the time and it was sharper But it was a straight blade. It was like well

All these are Sarah look look how sure and I tapped my hand with my cutco knife and it started Bleeding but I was like see I barely tapped my hand and I get out of our house like blood was coming out of my head I resorted to cutting myself to show how sharp it was. Look how effortlessly that broke my skin. The finger comes right off, right through the bone. Yeah, yeah. I learned not to improvise. Stick to the script. I yelled out loud at them. Did you make any money doing it? No, I was just after a while of being a bad salesman, because believed in the product. It's just like you're a huge knife guy Yeah, it just they were really expensive

But I I think at the end of that summer I they weren't willing to give me my minimum Hey, you did 400 presentations or whatever so my dad had to write them a letter on his government elected official letterhead Wow scare them into giving you 300 bucks or something. It was like your father's Spiro Agnew. Yes. Yes, he's done this He's done many many Nefarious things for our government. Now. He was just a county tax assessor, but uh

But you get the stationary. But it was worded like Grandpa Joe yelling at Willy Wonka, like you took, you promised these things to a 16 year old boy and then you're not what like it was very- Wow. And they paid up. Oh yeah, they paid. My dad scared the shit out of me. Gotta get some of that stationary.

When you're my friend Adam from middle school, he did the thing where you go door to door raising money for charity. Oh, right. Like for like Amnesty International or something like that. But the charity like pays you. Yeah, exactly. You get like a commission and he made so much money, like so much money. And he was just, it's like, oh, if you're like a handsome 19 year old who is genuinely nice,

but also has killer instinct, like ladies will write checks to Amnesty International for you. Where was this? This was in San Francisco, I think. I think Montana is tied with Mississippi for the lowest income of the entire country. So there's no one that like when you're asked going door to door and asking people to buy a thing that they may or may not need. I did comic or coupon books. I would show them the coupon.

This is a free oil change. The coupon books is only six dollars and they'd shut the door because no one had extra money. It's like kind of not a poor town but lower middle class income wise. And so they don't have coupon money. I wish that if I had gotten dropped off in like a wealthy area with those knives, whoo, dollar sign shaped pupils. Stare tongue. The only things that ever were sold door to door to my house were magazine subscriptions and those were sold by some real fucking ne'er do wells. Like the shadiest fucking teens from my neighborhood. Just if you ever want to get sold something by someone who is definitely a Norteno, then that was the magazine subscriptions. I've been there.

I've bought, I think I bought carpet cleaner once when I was living in a place with just strictly wood floors because this kid had obviously had the hardest life and he had a stutter that kept coming back and he was trying to fight it and I'm like, oh buddy, I'll take three of them. I don't even on the way here, I bought a sandwich at the Starbucks. I'm so hungry right now and I've never had this happen before and more people should do it. Someone knocked on my window and said, hey, I'm hungry. Can I have that? And I'm like, of course. And now I'm still, I'm just saying you can take advantage of me if it looks like great. Yeah.

Never had. If you're hungry, I have some carpet. Consent is everything. Gargle, gargle, die. Yeah. There was a story going around that former Cincinnati Bengals superstar running back Icky Woods had been found selling meat door-to-door like post football career like he was famous for the Icky shuffle and that people would make him do the Icky shuffle and then buy meat from him. Omaha Steaks. And I was just like who like I know that this must be a thing. Yeah door-to-door meat sales

Yeah, but it sounds pretty not so but also I Want to buy meat from someone or yeah, you know what I mean? Like what a wonderful excuse to purchase me. I would want someone to explain the meat to me. Oh, yeah That's a probably a nice experience. While doing a Super Bowl, an end zone dance. Yeah. Yeah, I went into a Walmart in Missoula, Montana, and there was, it wasn't Marcus Allen,

but it was someone that played for like the 1984 championship Raiders, and he was just selling his own belongings, like a framed picture of them was Smokey the bear that said assassinate forest fires or whatever like how we long with famous yeah yeah yeah a lot of Smokey the bear stuff and I bought a jersey from him and he signed it or no I don't I can't no it was a framed photo but it was pumping out it reminded me of in the wrestler all those old wrestlers selling their

stuff with a catheter and Which also reminds me of becoming an aging comic. I don't know it's just oh, yeah, I'm gonna be I'm gonna listen I'm gonna be 65 at a folding table a fucking podcast convention. Yeah. Yeah, it's We're not gonna be we're not gonna make it to the podcast convention if not now how then We're not getting that invite now. You're gonna be at a YouTube show convention This podcast is one of the first successful ones that I know of and mine's doing okay Why why I've never been any of those conventions either? I know it's always some I Think like I mean well there's been max fun con right

I think like I think I think maybe the marketplace has said that like a big convention center Event for podcast is not something people want right? Yeah But I could have some you know smaller more intimate events for fans. Yeah, look I'm in a loving marriage Jordan If anybody out there wants to have a small intimate event, come to my folding table at the Burbank Marriott for the smallest, intimate-est event. When something momentous happens to you, like the perfect small intimate event, you know, it's not the size of the intimate event, guys. Yes. We ask you... Some Some events are wide anyway, whatever.

Who gives a shit? We're not getting invited to the con, either way. We're having small intimate events. I'm in the podcasting hall of fame. 206-984-4-fun or just send a voice memo to jjgoatmaximumfun.org about the momentous thing that had happened to you for our segment, Momentous Occasions. That's what this person has done right now. And here is Stephen to play the clip of that. Hey there, Jordan, Jesse Goh. This is Brandi from Alabama.

I am calling with a momentous occasion. So for years now, I've heard Jesse rave about Satsuma season and how amazing Satsumas are. And honestly, I didn't really know what a Satsuma was. And until I recently looked them up, I just kind of assumed they were some kind of like, like a muscadine. I think that's a grape. I don't know why I thought that, but turns out I was wrong. Muscadine is a coffee essence. But last week I was ordering a grocery order from Kroger and they had satsumas. So I was like,

I'm going to try some of these things. I got them and oh my God, these things are fucking delicious. Yeah, I don't know why No one seems to have them where I live, but We need to change that because they're amazing. All right. Thanks Brandy lives in Alabama. She's right next to Satsuma country America's as far as I'm concerned number two Fruit no number two Satsuma producing region is right there in the South America Southeast. So it's not a fruit? It's a Louisiana I believe. It's like a little orange that's easy and fun to peel. Sounds like it's a fruit.

It is. And intensely flavorful. Yeah, it is a fruit. And it's got a slightly baggy skin. That's what makes it so easy to peel. Oh, I like the full size version of that, whatever kind of orange that is. Steven's holding up a photo if you'd like to oh, yeah God, I love those loose skin. It is really let me tell you this

First of all, we all love that loose It's the oxygen underneath that makes the meat so sweet Yeah. No innuendo. Sure. Just something to say. Yeah. No innuendo, bro. Chris, you're thinking of a deco pond or Sumo. Oh, yes. A brand that is a Sumo. That's the giant kind. I will say this. I was in Central California or the Southern Sierras. I went to my cabin for Thanksgiving.

Beautiful. And there were some satsumas at the Town and Country Market there. Guys, I can't recommend the Town and Country Market in Springville, California enough to you. Yeah. There's a wonderful... I gotta stop in. Excuse me, forgive me, Porterville, California. And this is the Town and Country Market, just

an absolute dream grocery store. Just goes on for... I was there day before Thanksgiving. Just, there's a guy waiting to check you out with another team there to bag it up for you. You don't even have to wait in line. Day before Thanksgiving. Oh my gosh. It just, they have a, oh, this is a tremendous- Is there a guy that sharpens pocket knives? I would love to have that, but I don't know. I did see a few former Raiders. Jill Romanowski was there.

But they had Tatsumas there, so I bought a bunch of them. And then my daughter ate all of them, motherfucker. So I didn't have one. But then, you know what? I had to return something from a popular e-commerce website. I purchased a camera lens and I needed a different camera lens. So I was headed to my local Whole Foods market. I'm like, oh, well, it's first of all, it's satsuma season. It's early December. Second of all, I'm headed to Whole Foods. This is a fucking fancy ass grocery store.

I'm about to buy some satsuma's. Guess what? They didn't have any of fucking satsumas I haven't had a single satsuma all satsuma season So what did you get to eat in front of your daughter without sharing any out of revenge? You know what I was gonna do Hold on have you not gotten your revenge? That's what fatherhood's about Come on, dude. you gotta get that revenge. Sweet, sweet note.

First of all, Jordan, what the fuck do you know about this? You don't even have a son. First of all... This is the part of the show where Jesse razzes Jordan about shooting blanks. Listen, I have dead sperm. What do you know, confetti dick? Yeah, first of all, it's not confetti, it's glitter. Second of all.

It's beautiful but useless. It's glitter. Every time I have a baby, it's a little unicorn. What if that was- The wife shooting out disco balls, if you know what I mean. Yeah, I hear you. What if that was- I'm shooting out disco balls if you know what I mean. Yeah, I hear you. What if that was... I'm filling the life up with glitter.

What if that was Rip Taylor's secret? The glitter was all from his dick. It was all shit. That's why his voice was like that? Because he'd had it up to here with it? Oh goodness. Anyway, the moral of the story is I haven't had any fucking satsuma's all satsuma seasons really eat me up And you know what? I'm gonna have any persimmons either. I'd love to have a nice person

What is what is a satsuma season? What are the dates? You're looking from around? Thanksgiving to about the end of January. Oh, okay something like that Sometimes it'll stretch a little into February, but it's a pretty narrow season. You're gonna do it, buddy. You think so? Yeah, you're gonna do it, you're gonna get revenge on your petulant child. It's gonna be beautiful. Man, if I could just, if I could get, if I could choose one way to get revenge, Jordan,

to be ordering up one of these wampires. Sure, Jesse, we don't say that anymore. And is that a small fruit that I don't know about? Whampere, yeah, it is. It's like a grape. Oh, okay. Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la

la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la Celebrities. Games. Oh, sound rounds. Improvised speeches. Puns disguised as trivia. Um, a very niche Flash Gordon clip. Um, Javel Rowan.

Ah, no, Riley, I'm sorry. She will not return our phone calls. I am afraid you're out. A girl can dream. Oh, but dreaming will not earn a girl any points. Troubled Waters. Listen on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Yucky Jessica. I'm Chuck Crudsworth. And this is Terrible, a podcast where we talk about things we hate that are awful. Today we're discussing Wonderful, a podcast on the Maximum Fun Network. Hosts Rachel and Griff and McElroy, a real life married couple. Yuck!

Discuss a wide range of topics. Music, video games, poetry, snacks. But I hate all that stuff. I know you do, yucky Jessica. It comes out every Wednesday, the worst day of the week, wherever you download your podcasts. For our next topic, we're talking Fiona, the baby hippo from the Cincinnati Zoo. I hate this little hippo.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Chris Fairbanks, boy who goes door to door. If you're lucky. If you're lucky. This boy who goes door to door. If you're lucky. If you're lucky. This boy will knock on your door.

All the time, I've knocked on a door at selling coupon books, and it was my third grade teacher that didn't remember me, but she used to like pull on my ear and break my pencils. She was like a mean little house on the prairie type teacher. And she was like, I don't want to buy anything. And I was like, you were my teacher in third grade and you were really mean to me and I'll never forget it.

And I walked away. Trembled. Felt great. Holy cow. Can I have you talk to my daughter? Yeah. It was amazing. Holy shit. What else have you sold to my daughter? Yeah, it was bad. Yeah, it was, yeah, not so good. Amazing. Holy shit, what else have you sold door to door, Chris?

Chocolate, but that was for baseball, so a lot of kids had to do that. Yeah, my brother had to sell chocolate for the boys chorus. Oh, I almost did the Amway thing, but I met with a guy and he had mustard on his tie and he was a grown-up And I'm like look at you Sign it up for this Mustard is for children's ties. Yeah. Yeah, you had a hot dog before our meeting At pioneer pies. I didn't do that. So I've just had three sales jobs Did you have what other jobs did you have in Montana before you left? Oh, I just had three sales jobs. Did you have, what other jobs did you have in Montana before you left?

Oh, I just honestly, through high school and into college, I was at a little card called the art guy and I painted windows and did t-shirt design. Did you like the Christmas display for the drugstore and stuff? Yeah, that's when I made, between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I would make like 1500 bucks, which would last me all year for lunch and skateboards and things. And that's all I did is art jobs and I had a I had a t shirt like I'd sit down and work at a series of screen printing shops and I had a girlfriend and I had a girlfriend in high school who was, and I presume still is, a very gifted artist. She would go door to door, dropping off a card that said she would draw your house.

That's funny. That is what I was leaving out. I would go door to door with my book of Christmas design. So I had, you know, my dad helped me make it. He, he, when I was in eighth grade, I started painting windows with my dad and it was cool. We'd hang out, he'd get off work early and we'd put happy holidays or one time at a fish place we put happy halibut. What? Yeah. And then, oh fuck, what? And then you found out how the halibut really felt about that. Right, right. Well, yeah, it was a sad halibut. The one my dad, I did have to fire him. It's like, that's a sad fish. Can't say Merry Christmas anymore. He's

got to say, Happy Halibut. Yeah, with all these fish people. Of course, I'm talking about Willem Dafoe and Tilda Swinton. Anyway, they always seem like people that maybe have gills on their neck. Your father was a combination tax assessor slash holiday window painter? He has business cards from when I was a baby, all from one year. Alarm installation, he'd like to do security alarms. Upholsterer was one. He was a local radio DJ. That was his main gig

Like Clint Eastwood came and watched him work to get ready for Plain Misty for me Yeah, yeah, and then my dad watched and he's like he ignored everything he went to see if his girlfriend's getting murdered He only put a half-hour reel on You know that's a two-hour drive window yeah, but hour reel on, you know, that's a two hour dry. It didn't paint any windows! Yeah, yeah. Didn't do any upholstery. The painting the windows thing was like, it was how I went door to door and I kind of

wish you could still do that with art stuff. I really did go with, imagine doing this like a portfolio briefcase of drawings and paintings and t-shirt test sheets and like here's my work and and I would get jobs that way and then I would go to like the the San Diego Convention Center when they would have like that ASR trade show where we go interview people and try and get segments for fuel. I would go there and try and get art jobs. And I kind of, it was kind of working and then I just started doing comedy. But that was door to door for sure. Like designing t-shirts and skateboard decks and that kind of thing.

Yeah, yeah. I wanted to do skateboard graphics and only did a couple but other like magazine illustration it kind of turned into. Guys, we're out here fucking hustling online Yeah, let's bring it back door to door. I'm not 25. We're going door to door I really miss it cuz I would there was technique like I would dress for the window painting Of course, I dress kind of poor and when I was young they were like the fingers off some gloves Oh, yes, I asked I started every pitch with may I have some porridge sure you hold the

can of beans and pop flapping off my father whiskey Pete says sardines are good for the blood but yeah just wheel an oil drum up in front flames in it have I know I've talked about this on my podcast But one time my dad and I I had to pull him out of retirement From being my window painting sidekick because we had to do a nativity scene on a car The windows of a car lot and they wanted I'm not kidding different Car salesmen to be in the nativity. No fucking way. Like guys who worked there, they're like, wait, he's going to be Joseph.

Who was the baby Jesus? Who was the baby Jesus? The boss. Wow. And it was so cold that as we were painting, the paint, that's why it was so easy in Texas. It was warm out. I'd paint in a t-shirt.

It's not snowing. But it was below zero. And it was so easy in Texas. Like it was warm out. I'd paint in a t-shirt. It's not snowing. But it was below zero. And it was dark. The window was backlit. You can't see what you're doing. It's just like illuminated paint stripes, swipes, you know? And then it froze in the night before it dried. And the next day thawed out and then dripped down and then

dried. And the next day thawed out and then dripped down and then dried so this nativity Look like toxic Avenger like burn victims. It was like Forget baby Jesus's I just caught got caught in this trail of Candle wax paint and the eye was down just dangling like the eye slid off the baby. It was so bad and I had to scrape it off and start over again and then we did a regular baby. They- With eyes in a normal place. Yeah, yeah, non blasphemous. But yeah, the wise men-

Well, only blasphemous in the sense that it was a car dealer rather than what you believe Christ to actually look like. Right, right. Well, they were an evangelical Subaru outfit. Sure. Got it. I won't buy from anyone else. No!

Yeah, the first down payment. You know it's not a lemon if they worship the Lord. I bought a Unitarian Forester one time. It did not work out. That's your first mistake. Anything goes with those fucking Unitarians. Unitarian forester one time I did not work out Anything goes with this fucking you there's enough room in the back for all your Very open-minded Not uptight at all the Unitarian Benjamin Franklin was the first Pan-Poly Unitarian. Oh, wow. Yeah. A lot of people don't know that about him.

He was our chillest founding father, not uptight at all. What were you taking home for a nativity scene of Cardinals? That's the problem that I've had with art in general, and less with comedy, is I've always under... Painfully not enough. I think I charged. Hold on, hold on. We're talking about maybe 1997? Yes, or earlier, I think actually.

I was not in college yet. So I think, I think it was 93. I think I was like a senior in high school. Okay. 1993. And should Jordan and I take a guess? Well, I'll let you know that a Santa Claus head Just which I it was I was real good at the Santa head there was shading it looked like Santa

I put a white base and spend time on it looked like a jolly So now when you say I was only like Santa you mean that it looked like the owner of the plumbing Exactly any say I've done Santa Claus's getting their haircuts at a barber shop. Oh! Three wise notaries. Yes! Oh man, it would have been great if I thought of a third one there. But, yeah, that was only 45 bucks.

So that's just your, think of that as one head. So, mathematically. Forty. 45 for a Santa. So imagine the, what would you think the nativity scene. And you're indicating, you're indicating roughly the real life size of a human head. Yes. Is that what we're talking about?

Large scale, larger than life, these paintings. Okay, these were larger than those. The huge windows, eyes on the ladder. So how big is the Santa head? Hours. The Santa head is just a standard head size, but the painting we're talking about is much larger. Oh, those, yeah.

Or a snow scene. I could do multiple windows of a snow scene with sledders and some trees and frosty. I whip that out. It's mostly white house paint. Be out of there. Should we be hiring you to decorate the windows of Maximum Fun HQ that's facing MacArthur Park? Well, we are multiple stories up, and it's been a while since I had my industrial-sized window gurney scaffolding unit with hydraulic...

It's a million-dollar outfit. It would have to be on the outside because of the flocking. Yeah. I do have my suction cup gloves, though. Hey, guys, whoa! Alright so $45 for a head. Jordan, what do you think a nativity scene is going to cost us? $500.

$500. Okay, I'm going to say $300. Because he only made $1500 a season. And it was, yeah, yeah. I just, I think, and I redid it after after it froze which I was like, that's my fault I control the weather I guess. Yeah 150 bucks Wow, I took a bath on that. Yeah. Yeah, I

Well, my book was like, yeah, there's no scene up to six windows. It's a hundred bucks for a snow scene I just they had looked at all these numbers. And so I was like, yeah, I'll do a bunch of people and a nativity, multiple colors, we'll just 150. And I remember my dad was like, God damn it. Fucking kid. Yeah, yeah. And he got his revenge. Yeah, well later on, Austin is such a art barter system.

Art was really a currency there. It's of course changed to the Bitcoin and vials of Rogan. Yeah, truth. Yeah, yeah, vials of truth. Vials of Rogan. Vials, ultimately three vials of Rogan. But now I charge more later in life when I get, and I, it would, or I'd get like, it would or I'd get like I painted like a

bike shop and they gave me a they outfitted my mountain bike which was kinda cool but it was I in Austin I drew I had a anal fistula I won't explain it's like abscess whatever I had to get a operation kind of close to the old whistle and I didn't have insurance. I didn't have anything It's more muddy sounding blues And then I painted a picture of the proctologist at a grill Using forceps and things he used to do ass surgeries as he loved grilling. It was him with spurs and boots Before I left Austin...

Wait, was this for an art opening or for him personally at his request? Literally I would bring it. I'm like, I could make payments of this $900 ass surgery, which he brought students, young girls that were my age came in and looked at my upside down at where my legs are in the air. It was an impressive infection so he wanted to show kids. We know that you can get infected with the best of them. I know, I know, it's at the top of my game. He's crawling with bacteria. He's only 24 and I haven't even had a colonoscopy yet. When my car broke down before I moved to LA, I drew a picture of Groovy Automotive. They still have it on the wall. Art was everywhere there. That was

the cool thing about that town. Signs were just rotating sculptures of whatever they saw. There's art and murals everywhere in the year 2000. Jordan, our friend Lauren has a restaurant called Bangers in Austin, Texas. Do you think we could draw something and get free sausages? Us? No. I'm bad at it. Others might, could. Yeah, probably Chris Fairbanks could get a few sausages out of it.

Look, when you're back in Austin, go to Bangers. We'll text Lauren and say, you have to take this little boy's picture. A man will hand you a drawing. Give him what he wants. We're having an episode. It'll work better if you bring a gun. Yeah, yeah, and carry it openly.

Or just bring the knives. Oh, you're right. Yeah. Is it an open knife state? Give it a tap And if you don't let me paint your windows, I will bleed profusely Sorry, that all makes sense. Yeah Would it be nice Jordan to have talent? Nah, it's a burden. Does he like to use it? Yeah, that's true. All of a sudden you've got to be painting a car dealer.

And then people think because if you're good at a thing that means you want to do it, you love it, so you'll do it for free. It's always... Oh, I bet with art people are like, oh, draw my band poster. You would love... Yeah. There's only like a fraction of art jobs where I felt like I was paid well. So I kind of stopped doing it for now.

But like my dad, he was an amazing painter and all of his paintings were from the 70s. He said, I'll paint again when I retire. And he sure did. And he was good again. Like it doesn't go away. How was he at assessing taxes? He's still, he's retired, he's in his 80s now and he still figures out how much properties are worth

for like a bank, like he freelance. I would like him to stop doing it but he's one of these guys that I'm not like this. He has to be doing something. He can't just, he likes doing it. He likes the- My wife's father, or my wife's grandfather, maternal grandfather was a judge. He was judging well into his eighties.

And only like the fact that he could no longer drive at night kept him from judging. And dying is how guys get off this committee my dad is on. Like there's a tax appeal hearings where they hear out someone that doesn't want to pay what their taxes have been I'm gonna be podcast until I die bro. Yeah, we tell I'm fucking cold in the ground. I'm gonna be That was the other thing my dad was on the air once back to his radio days and this guy that had the studio before him was like slumped over that's guy that had the studio before him was like slumped over and he came he's like are you all right and he had just had a heart attack they found out later and he's like just let me leave me here Jim I want to die on the air. Wow. My dad was like no you can't die on the air and I think he died shortly after that but

yeah he's got a lot of fun stories. Yeah that is a fun story. That's really nice. You guys should die in this booth though. God, that's the dream. Yeah. That's the dream. What would you charge?

Let's say one of our listeners wants you to design their holiday card. I started just saying I don't wanna do anything for under 500 bucks. I just, and that weeds out. 500 bucks seems about right. Unless it's like, hey, will you draw my cat, or actually you said holiday card,

I wouldn't charge that much. Yeah. Well, I think you should, I think 300 seems right for your holiday card. It's funny, because those are the, that's what I, is it a lot of work? Okay, 500. Is it not that much?

Eh, 300. Yeah, $300, get up Chris Fairbanks. If it's a friend, then I go back to my 90s window prices. And it's like, why am I doing this for, because I am a perfectionist with that stuff, and now that I'm out of practice, it takes me longer to just illustrate something for a friend's party, and I'm just like.

Look, I'll give you $300 to draw my house. Oh, I thought it would be a great idea to go from city to city. You know those maps that are like a caricature of a town? Oh, sure. And there's like each business has its own little exaggerated picture. Right. And maybe it's more exaggerated or I featured with text if you pay a little more. I thought it was like a good, I go town to town with my art supplies in a kerchief on a stick. Yeah. And on up to the chamber of commerce.

Yes, to meet the mayor and say, good news, you're going to have cartoon maps and it's going to bring in people. It's like an advertisement for your city. Glad tidings, sir sir for art is in town I don't even know this woman in a wheelchair what ails you ma'am and that scam well I show her my art oh jumps up and starts tap dance right yeah but it's me in a wig I want in on this yeah Yeah, they're called elixir maps. Hold on, I got a wheel in my oil drum of fire. My presentation is confusing.

I don't know what I'm selling. You just confuse them until I give you $500. Chris, you blew it. Your gloves have fingers. Oh no, penis hands again. You blew it your gloves have fingers Penis hands again Flap flap flap flap flap flap. Thanks for listening to something we said at the beginning It's been a pleasure being totally linear with you Chris Fairbanks is one of the hosts of do you need a ride with our friend Karen Kilgarriff?

Yeah Very funny show where she, where they drive people around to where they need to go. Very funny people including my friend and yours, Jordan Morris. Yes, I did it this year and had a lot of fun. Good. It's a fun show and they're two of the funniest. Very funny.

Thanks buddy. Thanks buddies. Thanks buddies. And folks, they now all have their own microphones. Ooh. Is that correct? Uh, yes. Thanks, buddies. Thanks, buddies. And folks, they now all have their own microphones. Ooh. Is that correct? Yes. Yeah, we used to pass it around, which made it hard to steer if you're the one driving.

The producer of Jordan Jesse Goh is Stephen Ray Morris. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Our thanks to them. You can join us on Reddit. Jordan, I found out that you can no longer... Maximumfund.reddit.com no longer refers to the Maximum Fund subreddit. Really?

No. It used to be that you could put the name of any subreddit and dot reddit.com and it would refer to that subreddit. It doesn't work anymore. Somebody on name of any subreddit and reddit.com and it would refer to that subreddit. It doesn't work anymore. Somebody on the MaxFun subreddit figured it out. Now you got to go to reddit.com slash r slash MaximumFun. Sounds like a pain in the ass.

Yeah, it's a total fucking pain in the ass. It's a Chris Fairbanks level of pain in the ass. My feet are up in the air. Ladies of my own age staring at my Whistler. Anyway, it's r slash maximum fun. We're on Instagram at Jordan Jesse Go Pod, Jordan Jesse Go Pod and Jordan David Morris, Jesse Thorne, very famous. And what do you think? We're going to start making video?

What are we on? We're on blue sky now. We're on blue sky now. And then yeah, videos should be coming shortly. Videos that come in short. I've come shortly. I have my small intimate. There you go. That's also something we said. We said that earlier too. Look, podcasts, that's what it is. Saying things. Say something, you remember it. You say it later. I'm in the Hall of Fame. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan Dessico.

I'll hug you and kiss you and love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Maximum fun. A world of fun. A world of fun.

A world of fun. A world of fun. A world of fun. A world of fun. A world of fun. A world of fun. I will love you.