Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Friendly Strays, with Miles Gray

Episode Date: February 29, 2024

This week Miles Gray of the podcast The Daily Zeitgeist joined Jordan and Jesse to talk about strange YouTube thumbnails, socks that soak, and the horrifying internet sensation Skibidi Toilet.4 out of 5 employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day.Jordan Morris has a brand new podcast called Free With Ads that he is co-hosting with Emily Fleming from Good Mythical Morning. You should listen to it and subscribe.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I've got a quick update, Jordan. Good. Community feedback. Jesse, make the update long, man.

Okay, yeah. This is all we got. Yeah, I should. Stretch it out. I should be clear. I don't have anything else for the next 75 minutes of show. Let's make this update a Springsteen concert. Three hours, no opener.

Just throw into Clarence Clemons for a 10-minute saxophone solo. That'll be Matt, by the way. Okay. So we talked on a recent program. You brought up the subject of favorite. I can't even believe this is only on our fucking show with this merit of follow-up. But you brought up the subject of favorite clues. Yes.

Oh, I would love to hear what our guest's favorite clue is once we introduce him. Great. So it just so happens I was glancing at the Maximum Fun subreddit. Yes. And in the thread for that episode, listeners had just some ideas for favorite clues. Oh, yeah. I love to hear about favorite. So just for folks who may not have heard that conversation, I wanted to know what everyone's

favorite clue was. Mine, I believe, was dropped matchbook. Yeah. With like the name of a bar or a diner or something so the detective can follow up. What was your favorite clue, Jesse? I don't remember. Were you a footprint guy? I think maybe Guy was a footprint guy. Yeah. Guy Branham, our friend. In my mind, I might be wrong, but in my mind, I think it was sideways pencil to see what someone wrote on a notepad. Right, what phone number someone wrote down. Right. Okay, so.

And it's such a shame those clues are going away because everything's going digital, you know? I know. No, it's just a bunch of ones and zeros. Right, thank you. And you just got Justin Long or whatever typing on a keyboard, pressing the clue button. Justin Long? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, or the guy from Robot Chicken, that guy.

Seth Green? Yeah, Seth Green. He's just typing on a keyboard and then pressing the clue button. Okay. I don't know what you're getting at, but yes. Good. Guys in movies that find clues just by typing on a fucking keyboard. Oh, okay.

Someone who would play a hacker. Yeah. Okay, yeah. Or just like the hacker or just like a digital clue finder. Sure. A guy in the chair. Yeah. Hunter.

You know Hunter Ellen Boss, longtime listener. He's on Reddit. What's his favorite clue? Distinctive color of lipstick on a glass or mug. And I think that this is, what I like about this is Hunter really drilled down into why this is his favorite. Oh, sure. Yeah.

And because, and it is because it is both titillating because it's lip related. Oh yeah. You know, you know, those lips are probably attached to a femme fatale and more often than not, they're hot. And it's also a little bit seedy because it means that somebody

left the dirty dishes out. Right. So that's it. I thought that was a pretty good one. Good clue. Hotel room key is what man minus one suggested. Sure. I mean, sure. But then the reply to that one from Boomfruit,

I mostly just like reading people's Reddit names out loud. Love a good handle. Is a scrap of cloth snagged on a branch as the culprit fled through the forest. Good clue. I can hardly imagine

a better one than that. Like, just so, it's visceral. Right. Has a tactile quality. Somebody suggested. And, you know, it involves a forest, Right. Has a tactile quality. Somebody suggested. And, you know, it involves a forest, which I think are more important than ever. Thin White Rogue suggested the residue on a keypad

that tells you what code has been punched in. That's nice. Like the ones that you press are oilier. Right. Maybe you blow a powder on it or something. You bet your ass you blow a powder on there. something. Oh, you bang your ass, you blow powder on there. Yes. That's what the powder is for.

Oh, baby. That's why you brought the powder. Oh, baby, what kind of powder did you think this is? What, do you think this is for my ass? Yeah. Well, ironic, because you're chapping my ass right now. Thank you. Suggesting I'd bring powder for a different purpose.

Jesse, we got a bunch of crazy clue freaks in the audience. I know, these people fucking love clues. Corny for clues. You motherfuckers. These ladies and gentlemen are all about putting together the pieces. Right. And justice.

That's true. Yeah. They're hard and wet for justice. You nasty motherfuckers. Should I introduce our guest? Oh, I would love to. We can find out what his favorite clue is. He's one of the hosts of the Daily Zeitgeist, Miles Gray. Hi, Miles.

How are you? I'm great. I'm great. Thank you for having me. You've had a little bit of time to think about detectives, the detection process. Yes. Do you have a favorite clue? I think I have a couple.

My first thought wasn't actually a clue, but it is like one of those reveal type tropes, which is coughing into a white handkerchief. Oh, yeah. And slowly then you see the blood. Oh, shit. I'm like, oh, someone's sick. That's like my favorite thing. I mean, along those lines, woman throws up.

Yeah. That means she's pregnant. Right. Exactly. Exactly. Or you've got tuberculosis. whenever that's like my favorite thing i mean a lot along those lines woman throws up yeah that means she's pregnant right exactly exactly or you've got tuberculosis um and then the one that i think i that i really appreciate is like sort of using game theory like you know using like a false statement to coax the other person you suspect of lying to like agree with you uh like diversion like in terminator 2 when the dog is barking when he's calling eddie furlong's house and he's like what's your dog's name and it's like max and he's like what's wrong with wolfie and then the woman's like wolfie's just fine he's like you've lost the parents are dead yeah then i'm like yeah that's good that's quick that's quick it's efficient

yeah and what would you guys say is your favorite detective movie other than Terminator 2? Oh, no. I'm sweating now. Sure. Terminator 1? Sure. Yeah. Seems right. No, Terminator 3.

Terminator 3. Yeah. That's my answer. I'm going to say Fast and Furious 5. Okay. Sure. I guess The Rock's kind of a detective in that. Yeah.

Sure. Yeah. For me, it's Flipper, but the TV show, not the movie. Right. God, I'm even trying to think. Dolphins are the detectives of the sea. I think that's a well-known fact. Right. Yeah, most of my detective content,

I think I get through just watching British crime drama, that kind of thing. So, yeah, like a prime suspect. I watched a lot. My mom was a prime suspect. So your idea of a clue is there's a biscuit on the lorry. Exactly. Exactly.

Right. Exactly. And yeah, going up the apples and pears to figure out what's happening. Who's been up these apples and pears? Well, I'll just have to have a butcher's, won't I? All your clues are public television related? Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

I mean, but like that was- Are you being served? There's no way to tell. Unless we find a clue. Can Yan cook? No. We must find out. Yeah, turns out.

Can Yan cook? He can. Miles, on your show, you guys had a Chili's runner for a while, right? Did we? Yeah. I feel like there was a time on the show where there was a lot of Chili's themed parody songs. Oh, it was because we did RHCPK. Right.

So it was Red Hot Chili Peppers with California Pizza Kitchen. Oh, okay. Yes, that's what I'm thinking of. Yes, yes, yes. And then I think maybe when I was on, we had a riff where it was Red Hot Chili's Peppers. Yeah, Anthony Kiedis, he pops in and out of the show for whatever reason. Yes, yes, yes. And then I think maybe when I was on, we had a riff where it was Red Hot Chili's Peppers. Yeah. Okay. Anthony Kiedis, he pops in and out of the show for whatever reason. I don't know why.

Like a fucking weird ghost. But yeah. Right. Yeah. I don't know. It's just one of those weird things where everyone just knows Red Hot Chili Peppers songs. So for people who just like to parody things, it's just really easy to, because the lyrics don't make sense anyway.

Sure. To always find a way to make that part of talking about spin dip or barbecue chicken pizza. There was a time, and I'm speaking here as a 42-year-old, there was a time when the only thing I knew about rock music was that those guys wore socks on their dicks. Yeah, I remember that. That was huge, the socks on the dicks.

It was scandalous. Yeah. That was huge. The socks on the dicks. It was scandalous. It was sexy. I mean, I knew a couple of Chuck Berry songs from the Stand By Me soundtrack. He was a piss freak. Hey, they all got something going on.

And what soaks up piss better than socks? It all goes back to Chuck Berry. But the weight of it, of the liquid, eventually will just fail as a covering. I'd argue a mop or a diaper would be examples of... No? No? Got to test it.

We should test it. I'm just saying, we should test it. Okay. We're enlightened individuals. That's true. Yeah, listen. Something called science. I'm not wearing socks because I already used two of mine today.

I had to go to the bathroom pretty bad. All right, I'll be sock. Jesse, you'll be mop. Miles, you'll be diaper. T-shirt. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, we can figure it out. Boy, it's a shame.

Gentlemen, open your mouths. It's a shame that this is an audio-only podcast because imagine the YouTube thumbnails for piss absorption tests. Like all three of us in a line? Like diaper versus sock versus towel. I'm just making a peekaboo face? Piss in a sock? You'll never guess which wins. I pissed in a sock?

Oh no, my sock? Yeah, those thumbnails. Have you seen how altered the thumbnails are now on YouTube? Thumbnails look very strange. They're uncanny. There's one, I was watching this video where it's like this guy does financial audits on people, and he's like, this is the dumbest guy I've ever met. And they made him look like fucking, what's his face from The Goonies?

Hey, you guys. No, hey, you guys no hey you guys oh right that dude like it was like they just they disfigured this guy

I'm like oh my gosh and I clicked on the video he's a normal looking guy but like just for fucking clicks they were like let's disfigure this guy and like be like

dumb guy and I was like wow the nature of YouTube thumbnails now yeah it's a lot I got kind of freaked out just looking at the thumbnails today for how to teach a dog to walk with a loose leash. I was looking that up.

I'm like, how can these be this intense? What's a loose leash? Well, just so you're not pulling on the leash. Oh, got it, got it. I got a new dog and he pulls on the leash. So I'm looking at YouTube to try and figure out. Right. You know.

Is there anything you can do? Yeah. You got to do fucking training, which sounds so boring. $1 leash versus $1 million leash? You know that video's out there. Jesse, I don't think you've talked about the new dog on the show. Give us a pup date. I love him very much. Sounds like you don't. Yeah. My wife said I couldn't name him named Junior. Give us a pup date. I love him very much.

Sounds like you don't. Yeah. My wife said I couldn't name him Boner. Okay. Even though he really loves bones. Right. Yeah. I mean, what happened was I got tired of being sad that my other dog was dead, which I was really, really sad about and still am.

And after Christmas, my wife was like, maybe you should just get a dog. And I said, okay, I will. I'll show you. My wife. I went to Chino Hills, which for people who are listening who don't live in Southern California, is kind of an exclusive enclave where only famous musicians and

millionaire real estate developers live and definitely not just a stretch of anonymous strip malls. And I went and got in line. There was a line outside the place. It was like a storefront rescue. Okay. Got in line outside the place. It's like you can grab a boba while you wait or something.

There was an unlimited supply of bobas available. There was absolutely extraordinary volume of bobas available. Every five or so years, I've lived in LA long enough to where I'll just have a boba moment every five years or so

and then I'll leave it behind and then I'm like, you know what, I think this is my boba month. It's a lot of fun. As a guy who can't have caffeine, which is in almost all the bobas, I really miss bobas because there's not any other kind of drink that has little balls in it. What about like a high-

Orbits, yes, Orbits, yes, Orbits. I was going to suggest, can you get the hibiscus tea? Yeah, I think I might be able to get the hibiscus, but a lot of them are- Or just like milk. Milk, yes. Orbits, yes. Orbits. Oh, wow. I was going to suggest, like, can you get, like, the hibiscus tea? Yeah. I think I might be able to get the hibiscus. But a lot of them are- Or just, like, milk. Milk, yeah. A glass of whole milk with some boba in it. No?

Sold. I was waiting in line outside of the rescue place, and it was kind of a long line. And everybody is, like, signing in in and i signed in and i said i was there to meet junior you see you had the dog in my you like saw the dog on you know dogs.com yeah exactly i i was i was on the hunt for scruffy dogs that were larger in size in your area because scruffy dogs in my area want to meet you And they want to meet you Right I had called a few 900 drivers Would you drive 10 minutes

To pet this dog Had some good leads I I needed a dog That was Scruffy enough To satisfy my Lack of interest

In non-scruffy dogs And You don't like a sleek Smooth dog No I mean They're fine I like all dogs you like to look wiry like what do you mean scruffy just like a longer yeah it looks like no no like wiry like

looks like a looks like it's a little hobo dog yeah yeah like in something about mary like that yeah yeah yeah right right right yeah and uh but a lot of those dogs are small yeah think toto right yeah toto for example is a small dog great example of, for example, is a small dog. Great example of a small dog. Thanks, Jordan. Picture a small dog. Hey, how about this? Canadians will love this one, the littlest hobo. Right, yes.

He's a scruffy dog that's small. So I wanted a medium or large-sized scruffy dog. There's not that many of them, so I did a lot of stalking on the app. Filled out the thing. His name was like Dax, I think. It was named, no, Jax. It was Jax. J-A-X.

Nice. From the Vanderpump Rules guy or Mortal Kombat? I was going to say Mortal Kombat 2, yeah. I think the Vanderpump Rules guy is named after the Mortal Kombat guy. Better be. Yeah, yeah, with the metal arms, yeah. There was that episode where they all went to Coachella and he pulled that guy's arms off.

Those messy pitches on Vanderpump and he's like oh why is he in blackface the character like a Mortal Kombat so they miles I'm just living here I don't know Vanderpump from a gas pump that's uh one of my famous catchphrases that I say on the show a lot it's on a lot of t-shirts yeah I was gonna say going to say, is there merch? Merch incoming. They had me sign this sign-in sheet, and I'm like literally number like 15 in line. I got in there 15 minutes before they opened. I'm like, what is going on here?

And then she said, oh, you're not here to see a puppy? And I'm like, no. And she's like, then go right in. And I was like, oh, okay. Grab a couple of adult dogs. Take a few. Two for one. He was. Buy them by the pound.

Yeah. These people, the people at the dog, these people are saints, obviously. Every one of these officious women is a beautiful human being with a golden heart. human being with a golden heart. They brought me to, and when I say this, I don't want you to think that I'm speaking metaphorically because I'm speaking literally. They brought me to a closet. Okay. They put me in the closet with the dog and he was so excited that I was in there, but

it was also a closet. Yeah. So he was, and again, I can't stress enough that i'm being literal here he was jumping off the walls right like it was like a coat like what are we talking a phone booth size yeah what is the closet used for typically i would say it is and were you hitting your head like on the curtain like the rod it had like dog supplies in it right but it I would say it was not a phone booth closet but I would call it a double three phone three phone booth if you put three phone it's three phone booths deep phone booth why three Superman's could fit in there yeah get about 12 spider-man's in that job so and he got and they you know they

always say what is the moment that like you fell in love with that pet and knew that that pet was always say that was going to come home with you. And for me, it was when he jumped off of a shelf full of dog food and then peed on me while flying through the air. Right. Cause he was so excited. That's just like, yeah, when you were first setting it up, I'm like, what kind of place is this? It's like street wear, like exclusive dogs. Like, dude, you got to line up, dude. It's like, you here for fucking Dax, dude?

It's drop day, baby. Yeah, we'll see what happens. We'll see what happens, dude. I got a 21 Savage dog. Right, exactly. 21 Savage X dogs. Right, exactly. There's just a guy from TaskRabbit sitting in a folding chair.

He's like, I don't know. I'm just going to FaceTime the dude when it's my turn, and then I just walk out with that one. But I just love the idea that they're just like, oh. Yeah, you want one of those shit dogs. Yeah. Let him in. Give him one of those grizzly ones, the ones that are only good for stew. Yeah.

What? Stew? No, I'm just joking. Ask him if he'll take a seal. We have one seal. I don't know why we have it. Yeah. Tell him we'll give him wet towels to get it home.

He should keep the seal moist. Wait, does he have a truck? Pick up. No? All right. Yeah, never mind. Sorry, we were going to give you an alpaca. Yeah, sorry.

You want a snake, though? We'll get you a snake. Just don't. It can't be in the same spot as your dog. How about this? We'll give you a guinea pig and a snake. And by that, I mean give you the snake. They yank their collars.

That's a good thumbnail face, Jesse. Oh, man. Thank you. Anyway, I got a new dog. That's great. Yeah, his name's Junior. thumbnail face, Jesse. Oh, man. Thank you. Anyway, I got a new dog. That's great. Yeah, his name's Junior. Short for Jesse Junior.

My wife named him because she wants him to carry on my legacy after I'm gone. JJ. Yeah. Do you have a good leash? Did you invest a lot in the collar and things like that? Or right now you're just like, I'm just kidding. First of all, you got to get yourself a nice harness, Miles. Oh, wow. I don't want you to fuck around and not be able to clip on the chest.

Yeah. Because otherwise you're just teaching them to pull. Otherwise you're just teaching them to pull. Okay, Cesar Millan. I went ahead and first of all, we're opposed to Cesar Millan. Yeah, I know. We love a Cesar salad.

I don't know. People have their opinions and despite all the terrible things I've heard, I'm still in. Can you briefly describe the canceling of Cesar Millan? I only know him as a pole, basically. The culture around dog training styles could only be compared to the culture around the Arab-Israeli conflicts. It is on a level of intensity that exceeds 10,

and I'm not going to get involved in it. But Cesar Millan maybe is like, he's into dominating dogs. Other people are into making dogs your friend. Some people just hit him with a cattle prod or something. I don't know. It's like there's a range of, and he's not liked by some. There's not a softer side of Caesar. Let's just say that.

Exactly. What would you say about- I love when they make the table side Caesar, you know, like a prime rib place. Spinning bowl. If they got like a mortar and a pestle for that little fish. Oh, the anchovies. For sure. Grind them in there. Oh, the anchovies. Sure.

Grind them in there. Oh, man. We can all agree on that. Oh, gosh. Yeah. Yeah, they threw them in with my dog. Gave me a bunch. Like, hey, man. We have these feeder fish.

Fine, I guess. We'll grind them into a salad for you. What kind of store are we? We got an egg yolk, Parmesan, some black pepper. But anyway, yeah. Just say when. Yeah, yeah. I'll tell you what, though.

Like, not having had a child in a long time, because my youngest is now seven years old, I really went ape shit on a popular e-commerce website. Just purchasing everything that a dog can chew. Just one of each thing that a dog can chew right like i'm like all right compressed rawhide okay sure pig ears yeah all right right num nums okay i'll get some of those just like fucking went did you get like the beef penis isn't that one like a pork penis or that is that is something yeah and i'll tell you. Dogs fucking love the shit out of them. Do they? They smell so horrible. Yeah. It's like one of these things that a dog person. I love dogs. Yeah. I have two dogs. But a dog person will try and gaslight you into thinking that that's an OK thing to have inside your home. that that's an okay thing to have inside your home.

Right. Yeah. On a hot day. It's like I'm already at the point where I think it's normal to put a garbage bag on my hand and pick up some shit, okay? Right. Yeah. While it's still warm on the ground. Yeah.

That's how far down the dog rabbit hole I am. Wait, that's taboo? To go down a dog rabbit hole? No, to pick up a warm dog shit. Dogs should be in dog holes. Don't put them in other holes. Oh, no. Dog holes for dogs.

Rabbit holes for rabbits. God damn it. This country's chicken shit. What I'm saying, Miles, is that as a dog owner- Chicken shit to go in a chicken hole. I'm sorry. I've accepted that I should think it normal to pick up the feces of other creatures with my hand

and carry it to a trash can and I'm not prepared to have one of those penises because they truly smell like it stinks up your whole house how have the penises been I know this is something

I know this is something that dogs have now how are the penises been prepared? I know this is something. I know this is something that dogs have now. How are the penises prepared? Like you can get the penis of another animal. Take table side. Get the mortar and pestle. Spinning bowl, yeah. Just say when. I'm going to grind up a penis on your...

They're just dry. They've been dried. Yeah, so I guess they Just extract them and probably hang them for a little bit. 100% I bought a bag full of pig ears and that I'm fine with. That I have no problem with.

They don't stink. It can't come. They can't come. Ears can't come. Sorry. Sorry if that triggers you, but ears can't come. Jordan right now is making the- I'm hosting SNL next week.

I'm just working on my monologue. Ears can't come. Ears can't come. Jordan's making the, what do you call that? The click screen? Oh, a thumbnail? Thumbnail. He's making the YouTube thumbnail for ears can't? The click screen? Oh, a thumbnail? Thumbnail. He's making the YouTube thumbnail for Ears Can't Come.

Yeah. Someone crying in the corner. Yeah, but each of these items comes in a thing that costs $18. So I think I went ahead and spent $140 on different kinds of things dogs chew on. Yeah. Because neither of my dogs, my previous dogs, Coco and Sissy, and my dog that preceded them, none of them were the kind of chewer where they would chew on things they weren't supposed to. Like Coco would chew.

they would chew on things they weren't supposed to. Like Coco would chew. We had to end up buying those kind of, the compressed rawhide bones, the ones that are shaped like a bone. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a, you know, like a classic cartoon bone. Yeah.

They come in different sizes for different sizes of dog. And it says like, oh, if you have a 70 pound dog, get this size. And my late dog Coco was like 15, 17 pounds, something like that, which is very small. And then we found that if we bought her anything for anyone smaller than a Great Dane, she would just chew it up and eat it because she was so powerful at chewing. Oh, my God. And so we would buy these ones for the biggest dogs available, which are, like, 18 inches long, and she would just, like, have it in the side of her mouth

and be, like, dragging it across the floor like she was about to do a caper toss or something. Just like... See, it's because everybody told her that wasn't, you know, they couldn't be done. Yeah, but Junior wants to chew everything, so I'm just, like, desperately trying to cycle through shit that and then i'm like i want to buy dog toys like things that like puzzles a lot of cute dog toys these days i want

to get puzzles dog puzzles dog puzzles what that you solve with them yeah well you don't solve with them it's too fucking easy for you i don't know you. You're a man. I don't know. Look, I don't presume anything. Yeah, are you a pet person? Yeah, yeah. I got a dog and two cats. Okay. And they're great. Your dog doesn't ever do puzzles?

No, man. Are you concerned about- I'm kind of fucking humiliated now thinking about it. I'm like, can he fucking do a puzzle? Dude, your dog can't do a puzzle? What the fuck? Are you concerned about your dog potentially having intellectual atrophy? Yeah, I am.

Your dog's more of like a Settlers of Catan guy, right? Well, yeah. He's been playing on the Jaws board game recently. He's a big Jaws guy. My dog only plays cooperative games. I'm like, come on. Yeah, yeah. My dog, he's kind of strange.

He walks. He's a rescue. He walks behind me when I walk him. Because when I ask the vet, I'm like, what's going on? It's like, he's probably abandoned many times. So he has to watch you. Oh, yeah. He can't risk you just turning, going, yoink. And he's probably more of an ass guy.

And he's like, and I agree. I saw you walk in, sir. Let's just say you've got something. I'd walk behind you all the way home because I've been abandoned. That's why. As a vet, I probably shouldn't be opening up this much personally. It's very unprofessional. No, no.

You're talking to HR. It's like, no, I was looking... I have abandonment issues. That's why I was checking their butts out. Do all the pets get along? I wonder how butts smell. Obviously. Sorry I use a long straw to figure that out. I feel like it's inappropriate if I bend over butts smell. Yeah, obviously. Sorry I use a long straw to figure that out. I feel like it's inappropriate if I bend over very closely.

When I asked the woman at the rescue where my dog, Junior, came from, she said, oh, he was at a shelter in the Inland Empire. And she said, she like got out the paper and flipped and she said, friendly stray. Friendly stray. Friendly stray. Is that a category of dogs? I think so. Okay. I think I got an FS. A friendly stray. Friendly stray. Oh. Friendly stray. Is that a category of dog? I think so. An FS? Okay.

Yeah, an FS one. I think I got an FS. A friendly stray. Yeah. Miles, all your pets get along? Do the two cats get along with the dog? Yeah. My dog is like the size of a cat.

So they all just like, they think- We're all cats, right? Yeah. It is kind of like, he's like, am I a cat? And then the cats are like, are we dogs? Does the snake get along with the dog? The snake, I don't know. It's in the attic somewhere.

We have not seen the snake in months. We can hear the snake. We can hear it, for sure. We see its sluffings. Its leavings, we definitely see. But yeah, they get along. I didn't realize, dogs are like, well, I mean, I knew this, but because they're pack animals, if my cats fight,

he has to break it up. He's like a fucking security guard. He's like, well, I mean, I knew this, but because they're pack animals, if my cats fight, he has to break it up. He's like a fucking security guard. He's like, knock it off. The second they start hissing, he's on it. And I was like, what is it? Is he just like an irritated dad who's like, don't make me fucking come back? Or he's just, no, he just wants to. He's a fucking school cop. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. And he plants drugs on them after. And he's like, I don't know if you saw this. And also that hairstyle, I don't know if that's according to code. And I'm like, yo, what are we doing here? Not like this. Not like this. Come on.

He's yelling at the cats for sagging their pants? Yeah. I'm like, this is some weird shit. But he's like, hey, what do you want me to do? I'm a bad example. But yeah, they get along well. And now the dog's kind of getting that age where he's about to start having health problems. And now I'm like, oh my god, man. I like like i just hear sarah mcclaughlin in my head

every time i look at him even though like it's nothing really crazy yet but on the horizon you know he's like heart issues and things like that so now i'm like thinking like man man just buying like a cheeseburger every day or something like no it's probably terrible for his heart so i'll just you know hold him real tight all the time because like I have a kid, I have like a one year old now. And since that happened. Here's my tip. Get him the hibiscus boba.

Yeah, exactly. Not a lot of caffeine. Yeah. Yeah. And he'll be all right. He'll be all right. But now like with the kid, it's like he's fallen like completely down the charts, you know?

So like I feel bad now. I'm like, oh man, you used to be number one, man. But you're like number fuck. You're like being like whatever after is after tertiary you're you're that fucking low now but you know what they come back around yeah they do no it doesn't take that long before the kid starts slipping yeah yeah exactly because the because the pet the pet offers you the more humanity the child has the the more pitfalls there are. I think just what Jesse's saying is the dog's not going to get into annoying YouTube videos. Yeah, right.

But he watches a lot of Skivity Toilet. I don't know how he's- The dog's just going to go, no. Dog's just going to go straight to Danny Gonzalez. You're going to say, that's not bad. Yeah. Yeah. Look, it's not necessarily my thing, but- Which one's Danny Gonzalez? He's a guy that makes little YouTube videos. He's a bad. Yeah. Yeah. Look, it's not necessarily my thing, but.

Which one's Danny Gonzalez? He's a guy that makes little YouTube videos. He's a cute white guy. He's a get to camera vlogger. Yeah. He's 30. He looks 17. Does he call everyone like Sam or something like that? Or whatever their name is.

Not Miles. Gary. No. Oh, shit. I can't think of what it is. Yeah, that guy. And it's written on the wall behind him. He's very sweet and he's genuinely pretty funny.

Yeah. And when my kids watch his videos, which have a lot of swear words and things that are not appropriate for children, I always think, this could be a lot worse. Yeah, exactly. Wait, Miles, what was your poll for bad- Danny Gonzalez, go on Jordan Jessica. What was your poll for bad YouTube video? Skibbity Toilet?

Skibbity Toilet, yeah. What's that? Oh, you don't know Skibbity Toilet? I don't. Dude. What toilets do you know? I can't even describe it without you probably calling CPS and having my child taken away. Oh boy. It's so, I will sound like I'm struggling to like figure out my own reality. It's like this Russian guy made these videos. There's a group of people who come out of a toilet and a group of people who have like surveillance camera heads. There's no dialogue. They're like using like a slowed down,

like viral Instagram TikTok song to create this. Like, I don't even, there's no words. It's just like absolute absurdity I mean Jordan you have to understand that YouTube content for children under the age of 10 is mostly written and produced uh by that destroy the west robot from a few years ago when Jordan and Jesse go. It is made by Eastern European mothers whose children have an absolutely wild look in their eyes and are being forced to interact with a field of different primary colored shapes

while someone... And then the other main category is adult men playing with toys, but then making the voices for the characters so that if a kid types Spider-Man in, they get that. Yeah. Dude, here's a taste of Skibbity Toilet. Okay. Okay, so the camera's looking at the... Okay.

Jesus fucking Christ. Okay. And probably... And this is probably a thing where more people have seen this than have seen The Bear. Yeah, than have, you know, than can read.

Sure. You know what I mean? It's just... Wow. I mean, this is something that has... What we're seeing here... Don't lose the audience for that. It's a sort of...

Young kids, man. My, like, nephew knows I'm, like... I probably would have been into it when I was six or seven. Oh, yeah. But, like, it's funny, like, being, like, you know, like, almost 40, and I'm, like, thinking, I'm, like, I'm, like, trying to under... Like, I'm trying to, like, yeah, man, fuck yes, give it a four. I mean, that was MTV's liquid television, basically.

Right. But at least you knew. Yeah, this is our generation. This is their generation's Max Headroom. Right. Can I point out the top comment on that video you just played? Top comment. Congrats on 10 million subscribers.

Wow. And congrats. Thank you, Matt, for pointing that out. Congratulations, Skibity. I think the Russian government launched an investigation into the guy who made it because they're like, this is so popular, we're not sure if this is good or bad. Or like it's a sensation. This is so popular, it might be Ukrainian. Yeah, like what it is.

And it's like, but what does it mean? Hey, you guys want to launch a little investigation and then we'll come back for some more? Yeah, I'm going to go look for a torn piece of fabric on a branch in the woods. Ooh, that's a good clue. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. We've got the MaxFunDrive right around the corner, and we're going to have some very exciting

announcements, Jordan. Ooh, yeah. I just want to say, shit is going down. Yes. The stops will be pulled out. We are planning butt loads of bonus content for all the folks who go to MaximumFun.org slash join. And some very special, special things.

Yes. In addition, not just bonus content, but we are planning a buttload of bonus content. We're planning some little special treasures, too. Some special treasures. And a little special operation we're working on. That's right. We're going to be playing Operation. And getting really frustrated live on stream.

We're going to be taking the ligament from one arm and transplanting it into a pitcher's pitching elbow. We're calling it Tommy John surgery. But hey, more info on that later. But this week we want to say thank you, not only to the folks who go to MaximumFun.org slash join and become members, but the good folks at ZipRecruiter. Daylight saving time is starting up again for most states. The goal?

To give us more daylight from March through November. By setting our clocks forward, it may feel like there are more hours in the day, but if you're hiring, it doesn't necessarily help you find qualified candidates any sooner. There's only one way to do that. Zip recruiter. Yeah.

Jesse, you're a small business owner. Yeah, I'm one of the worker owners of the Maximum Fun Media Cooperative. Mm-hmm. And I imagine that finding great people is hard. Yeah, and we need special people because we all own this fucking company together. You know what I mean? You can't just let any yahoo through the door. Sure, and that's why ZipRecruiter can be so helpful.

Here's what they do. They take your job post, and they send it to 100-plus job sites to reach more of the right people. Jordan, they got thinking computers at ZipRecruiter. Oh, man. They use computer systems, I presume punch cards. It sounds so hot. To send your job to people who qualify for it,

not just to everybody, to people who qualify for it, to invite them to apply. This is an amazing product. Spring forward with ZipRecruiter. Find top talent sooner. Four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Go to ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo to try ZipRecruiter for free. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. We've also got something up on the Jumbotron this week, Jordan. That's where our listeners can share messages with our listeners. This is a message for cutie boo boo love from your fiance. That's to Juan from Heather.

Here's the message. Almost eight years later in the bowling alley parking lot, I answered the easiest question I've ever been asked. Do you want to go back into the bowling alley and get more nachos? We both had pretty funny answers for that. Yours was better. Fine. Lateral. Oh, here's the actual thing.

I can't wait for a lifetime of laughs and momentous occasions, fun reference to the show, with you by my side. And olives on the side. Fun reference to the show. With you, by my side, I love- And olives on the side. And olives on the side. Please keep the olives on the side. Keep the olives on the side. Not everybody likes them on nachos. Some do.

That's fine. I love you. Jordan and Jesse, welcome your riffs here. God damn it. We already used up all our fucking riffs. Sorry, we used them. Don't tell us where to riff. Yeah.

Because you paid for the thing. This is our show. I'm trying to express my love in a popular podcast. I played a modest but not insignificant fee. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Heather. And congratulations to Cutie Boo Boo Love.

If anybody wants to get up on the Jumbotron, MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. Look, we'll plug your thing. We'll say hi to somebody. We'll wish somebody happy birthday. Sure. We're not above it. In fact, we're below it. We aspire to it.

Yeah, that'd be great. Once enough people do it, I'll kill myself. I got kids to feed, okay? Hey, Jesse, wanted to make a cool announcement for folks who maybe haven't heard. There's a new MaxFun podcast hosted by me and the hilarious Emily Fleming. Now we're talking, Jordan. It's called Free With Ads. Emily and I are watching weirdo movies we find on the internets of Free With Ads depositories.

These can be good movies. These can be bad movies. These can be crazy movies. These can be mixed movies. What would you say Time Cop is? Boy. Well, Time Cop, unfortunately, did not hold up to my nostalgia for Time Cop. Can I tell you something?

Yes. This is a real Time Cop fact. I was at the Goodwill, and I bought a digital watch. Yes. Because I thought it was like a neat 90s digital watch that I could put on a colorful band. I got home and I'm like, I'm going to look this up. I looked it up. It sells for $250 because it's the one that he wore in Time Cop.

Wow. A Time Cop timepiece. Yeah, it's what Time Cop wore. Oh, my gosh. There's a lot of Time Cop heads out there. I saw it during its theatrical run. It is a wild movie. Emily was blown away. She had never seen it nor any Van Damme movie before.

So she just spends the episode talking about his butt. Not even Street Fighter? Not even Street Fighter? Not Double Impact? Not JCVD? Not JCVD, the serious one? Yeah. Not Kickboxer?

Not Bloodsport? Jessie, I could go on. She's not seen any of these films. But yeah, Time Cop, maybe not a great movie. Time Cop was a blast to talk about. I think the first two episodes of Free With Ads are in the feed right now. It's Time Cop and He's Just Not That Into You. Oh my gosh.

And not only is Emily hilarious, but our beautiful producer, Matt Lieb, is along for the ride. He's hitting us with clips. He's hitting us with drops. He's in there being hilarious. So, yeah, me, Emily, and Matt, we're watching weird movies every week on Free With Ads and would love it if people would subscribe. It is a, like, it's easy to say, oh, bad movie podcast. I don't think that's what it is. It's easy to say, oh, bad movie podcast.

I don't think that's what it is. It is a tribute to the magic that is available to all of us simply by reaching out. You don't have to spend a dime. Nope. The internet will provide you with wonder of various times. Yes. That's how I would characterize it. And Emily is so fantastic.

Emily will be in here on Jordan Jesse Go sometimes it. And Emily is so fantastic. Emily will be in here on Jordan, Jesse goes sometime soon. But Emily is so fantastic. Of course, you know, Jordan and Emily and Matt all as a team from their work in the Good Mythical Morning world. And yeah, Emily is so funny and smart and sharp as well. I really love this show. I'm really excited. It's part of Maximum Fun. Look, somebody brought me this show. I'm not going to say who it was. I passed it up the chain. Okay? I'm just saying I take full credit for this show. Everything that's good about the show is because somebody, I'm not going to say who.

Right. I'm going to say a guy I know. Sure. A curly-haired guy I know. Yeah. It was Matt. It was me me matt did it matt your hair's more like wavy it depends if i've showered yeah if i've showered then it's curly but it's not like tight curls like jordan has real oh yeah he got a little ringlets no but

that's only if i shower if i don't shower it's't shower, it poofs. Look at us. Similar hair men. Two similar hair men. Yeah, well, for people who are listening, I've got long, beautiful hair like Fabio. Sure. Look out for that goose, Jesse. Anyway, free with ads.

It's available to subscribe to right now. And look, if you're a Jordan Jesse Go fan, how could you possibly not be subscribed to Jordan's new show? Jordan, how many times have you started a new show, Jordan? No times. No times. I hate shows. I don't like starting them. Free with ads. Subscribe. You've got your phone in your pocket. Pull it out right now.

Type in free with ads. Hit subscribe. Do it. You're going to love it. It's going to be fun. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective miles gray certified sock soaker you get the certification yeah yeah i'm certified now oh i've you know i'm just a two-hour course the ymca yeah yeah but hey the jobs that open up it's a completely the gigs are way but way better i was at the uh investment in your future guys this is just me bragging about my lifestyle but i was at the topanga flea market this morning at Pierce College in the Valley. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And at this flea market, it's mostly flea market stuff, but then there's a couple aisles of craft fair kind of stuff. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah, candles. Yeah, exactly. Local candles. Airplant vendor. Yeah, exactly. Local candles. Airplant vendor. Yeah. Yeah.

And in this row, there was a woman selling pink quartz and everything. And on the board, it had her name. And then it said, Certified Crystal Practitioner, CCP. Oh. And I just thought, like, what is the licensing body here? Yeah. You know what I mean? Right.

Yeah, what is it? Who's denying someone a certification? Yeah. Is there a test when you, like, look at the crystals and you're like, um. Ooh, this one has good energy. You're like, uh-huh. Good. Keep going.

Slow clap after. Wrong. Keep going. Slow clap after. Wrong. You failed. That's a soap bubble. God damn it. Shit. I knew. 50-50.

Crystal or not crystal. And we're sorry. We can't certify you. You appear to be more religious than spiritual. It's the bad vibes. And also, that wasn't shungite. That's big league chew. Big league chew. Are you fucking morons? It's a. That was Big League Chew. A little shredded bubble. Big League Chew.

Are you fucking morons? It's bubble gum that comes in a pouch. Get out of here. It's the only children's bubble gum meant to evoke chewing tobacco. Oh, yeah. Okay. I love that stuff, though. Yeah, cool.

Great stuff. Did you ever get the beef jerky that was also meant to look like chewing tobacco? Yeah, and it came with a round baseball card, Jordan. Really? I haven't had the beef. I've had Big League Chew. I have not beef jerky that was also meant to look like chewing tobacco? Yeah, and it came with a round baseball card, Jordan. Really? I haven't had the beef. I've had Big League Chew. I have not had jerky chew. It was in a circular plastic tin, basically.

Yeah, and it was just shredded jerky dust. And at the bottom, if you were lucky, there was a round Nolan Ryan. Was it from the Big League Chew Corporation? No, the Big League Chew Corporation. Big League Chew was, Matt, you're League Chew Corporation. Big League Chew was... Matt, you're the producer, so tell me if I'm wrong, but I believe Big League Chew was invented by either Jim Boughton or Bill Spaceman Lee,

like these two legends. I think it's Jim Boughton invented... What the fuck kind of pull was that? He wrote this book. Yeah, I know that off the top of my head. Spaceman. Just type in fucking Big League Jew, you fucking. Jesus Christ, Matt.

Spaceman. I thought you just assumed I would know. Matt operates from just a base level of contempt for this program. I don't get it. I like true crime. It's about something. Keep talking about tobacco or something. Jim Bouton was a knuckleball pitcher. Jim Bouton.

Jim Bouton, okay. He wrote one of the great baseball books, a very, very funny memoir called Ball Four, and he also invented Big League Chew. Wow. And he invented it to prevent children from using chewing tobacco because it was like 1970 yeah and it was still a time when when like little league players would

just be like i got some chaw here oh yeah yeah makes sense i mean when i would use i would just i would basically eat half the pack well that's the secret of big league chew is that it's a product that like six feet of bubble tape it's a product that like six feet of bubble tape it's a product that allows you to put two pounds of chewing gum into your mouth exactly it shows do you have self-control no no i'm 10 years old yeah yeah and i will almost choke and nothing makes me feel bad i'll start feeling bad later in life because of things i ingest but not now i can't no not now. I can't. No, not now.

Everything's about getting as much of it down immediately. I can eat three Mexican pizzas. Yeah, right. I just ate a cow's penis. Okay, so we have this new segment on the program, Jordan, called I Read It on the internet. This is where people send us their favorite social media posts of all time. Mostly Reddit posts.

Look, if it's on a fucking... It could be on Parler. Yeah, it could. Isn't this your favorite Parler post? I was going to say maybe on an automotive enthusiast message board. Something like that know, something like that. I feel like weightlifting message boards are good sources of material.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Look, how many times on this program have I recommended people going on the Breakbeat message board soul strut and just reading the thread of stories about Bismarcky? Just Bismarcky calling people and asking if they have particular toys. Actually, what he would do is he'd call someone. They would not know Bismarckie. They'd be like, yeah,

they'd call him at like two o'clock in the morning. They'd be like, yeah, what? And he'd be like, what's up? Is the M-M as A-R-R as a K? And they'd be like, what? Like, it's Bismarckie. And they'd be like, what? And then he'd be like, I heard you got good toys.

And then they'd be like, yeah. He was a toy collector. Tell me. He collected everything. Wow. Tell me what toys you got. And then he would just list them and he would just go, this is at 2 o'clock in the morning with someone he doesn't know.

You just go, got it, got it, got it, got it. Great fucking Biz Markie. Can't recommend that thread enough. Rest in peace. Soul Strut. Google Soul Strut Biz Markie and you'll, just years of joy.

This is from r slash relationships. It was sent to us by a listener named Diego. Boyfriend 28M keeps sneaking plastic food onto my 25F plate. So we've been together 14 months and he's a great partner overall. He has a stable, respectable career that he enjoys, nutritionist. He's very caring in most ways and we have similar goals for our lives, but he's got an odd sense of humor sometimes, especially about one particular thing. He has access to seemingly unlimited supply of plastic foods, and he keeps sneaking

them onto my plate at meals. I saw the humor the first time. Plastic scoop of cottage cheese replaced my real cottage cheese at breakfast. But I have lost count of the number of times he's played this prank on me. There have been plastic turkey slices on a sandwich, plastic chicken tender coated in buffalo sauce at a restaurant, even a plastic deviled egg at my friend's wedding. But I think the one that irritated me the most was when he wrapped a real banana skin around a plastic banana and put it back in with the rest of the bunch on my counter. He says he means it as a little joke when I've asked him to stop, but I'm getting paranoid

when I eat with him. What if he takes it too far and I choke on a fake cheese cube? The weirdest thing is I don't even know where he gets these as I've seen his bank statements and there's no indicator he's buying them himself. Wow. That's a rich text. It's alarming. Who is she suggesting's buying them himself. Wow. That's a rich text. That's alarming. Who is she suggesting is buying them?

Maybe he's stealing them or makes them or trades them. I mean, I'm trying to think of like who- He went down to the Topanga flea market. Right, yeah. I think he could. Does he have Bitcoin? Yeah, it might be Bitcoin. That's why they invented Bitcoin.

Exactly. That's the main selling point. So like plastic food, like that variety of plastic food. Jordan, are you tired of your girlfriend tracing your plastic food purchases? That's right. She never believes me. There was, okay, so like plastic food, right? Window of a Japanese restaurant.

Right. Okay. 100%. Where else? Like plastic food, right? Window of a Japanese restaurant. Right. Okay. A hundred percent. Where else? A window of a cheeseburger restaurant in Japan. Right. Yeah, it's all Japan. I mean, that's an art form.

Right. Have you seen them make it? No, I haven't. It's fucking crazy. Because you're like, oh, it's just like a sculpture that they get like a thing and hammer. It's all this mixture of plastics. Yeah, I was. So, Miles, if I could just characterize what sculpture that they get like a thing and hammer it's all this mixture yeah i was so miles if i could just characterize what i thought it was yeah i just figured it was like a sculpture and they get a thing and they hammer it out right right right yeah so the way

they do it like you just i saw this video on youtube of a guy who's like the fucking like master plastic food maker and in two seconds he makes an entire thing of lettuce yeah and but like the the way like the way everything is assembled from all these other seemingly abstract pieces and like you're using like a piping bag to make all these other parts it's like an art form but that's what i'm like does he practice this art because like this presuppose that he's like all right i'm gonna need to have a devil bag on me. I'm going to need a chicken tender. Oh, does the boyfriend practice the art? Yeah, I'm like, I don't know if I-

Because I was going to say, I think this guy with the piping bag, he practices the art. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, am I okay? Does this guy practice? Is he doing it? I don't know what I'm watching. No, yeah, but I feel like maybe he's, or has a friend, or it's all cash, you know? Yeah, I think it's a cash business.

It's got to be. But where do you get all this stuff? Oh, God, downtown Los Angeles. Yeah. you know yeah i think it's a cash business gotta be but where do you get all this stuff oh god downtown los angeles yeah just in downtown los angeles there's a b2b store for any product yeah and it's the greatest thing about living in los angeles by far they don't have this in new york anymore right there used to be tons of garment districts or whatever and now the garment district in new york is just one filings basement or whatever. And in downtown Los Angeles, I mean, how many times, Jordan,

have we talked on this program about the bong district? Sure. Yes. Just a street of bong stores. Yeah. And I think that in downtown Los Angeles, I know that I've spent a lot of time. There's a millinery supply store in downtown los angeles where you buy fucking uh little uh tiny birdies that go on ladies hats that's just for ladies like little birds well

it's other hat making supplies as well wow ribbons yeah yeah like uh you could make a fascinator absolutely potentially with the things. Yeah, I think that's probably one of the top categories that they're making. Yeah. Some people are making a boater, but I think mostly they're making a fascinator. Yeah, you want it. I mean, fascinators are coming back. If you're going to go, go whole hog.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, go full fast. That's what my dog says about dicks. Yeah, I think that's what's going on. I have to say that I thought to myself as I heard this story, like, come on, dude, it's not funny anymore. There's a few things that are really special. One is that he's a nutritionist. Sure, yes, that's a nice detail. But I have to say there's a point in the story where she turns against him forever.

And that's the point where I turn in favor of him forever. And that's the point where he takes a fake banana and puts it in her wheel. I mean, listen, in reality, this guy fucking sucks. Yeah, of course he does. But fake banana, if your partner was like, I love this fake food thing, keep them coming, and you do fake banana in real banana peel, yeah, I mean, that's really good. It's a slow clap on that one. It's really good.

Because then you're like, how'd you get, like, I felt like I was actually peeling a real banana. No, I mean, I think this guy is now, you know, under the category of problematic fave. Yeah. Just like, I don't approve of this, but it's on its head. Miles, the Japanese man with the piping bag that you saw, this guy, the boyfriend, is the that of doing stuff with this. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Does that make sense? Absolutely. This man is a master craftsman. Right. The moment where you unpeel a banana, remove the banana, and insert a false banana. Yeah. You have to find bananas that are of comparable size. And you have to close up the peel somehow.

Yeah. With some sort of adhesive? I don't know. Yeah. Is he stitching it? You got to ask the Japanese guy what to use. You got to. Yeah.

Yeah. He knows. You got to look at this video. This is his business. When you see how they make a little piece of shrimp tempura, it's going to blow your mind. Was the guy Japanese? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I should clarify.

He's like one of the few people who's still practicing this craft, basically. It would be wild if he was Austrian. Yeah, right. Exactly. Or he is a nerdy guy. He's like, I had to study under one of the masters in Japan, and now I do schnitzel. Yeah.

Wurst and things like that. Yeah, sauerkraut. Yeah. I started with curries. I started with bowl of curry like we always do. Yeah, tonkatsu pieces, gyoza, bowl of ramen, and then I decided to go Germanic with it. Yeah.

I love that. A lot of beautiful foods out there. Yeah, yeah. But this guy, I love the deviled egg at a wedding. Because that's like, that's when you go, oh, you're fucking, you're taking, this is, there's levels now. You're like, you brought this with you to a wedding. Miles, let me say this. I love a deviled egg.

Oh, I love a deviled egg. Fucking deviled eggs. I feel like deviled eggs make up for everything that's bad about mid-century American food. Yeah. Deviled eggs are so good that they make up for all those salads made of jello. Yeah. Yeah. Do you get, like, are you, whenever I see deviled eggs on a menu, I have to get it.

Oh, God, yes. It doesn't matter. I don't want it to have salmon roe on it. No, no, it's not going to get fancy. Sometimes it has roe. But, yes. It doesn't matter. I don't want it to have salmon roe on it. No, no, it's not going to get fancy. Sometimes it has roe. But, yes, I always want it. I also, I have a, you can go on a popular e-commerce website, and for like $15 you can get an egg steamer,

and it's like makes hard-boiled eggs in a little thing, and it makes them perfectly every time. And you can make six or eight at a time, depending on what size you buy. And I'll just make half a dozen hard-boiled eggs, and then I'll just eat deviled eggs for dinner. Painstakingly. Just me and my wife each just taking down five deviled eggs. Yeah, you have to. And then are you using a, again, I hate to bring piping bags back into this, but you're piping the yolk bag?

You know, I don't have a piping bag myself. I do occasionally use a Ziploc bag with a corner cut out. Jordan, what do you use? Oh, I hate deviled eggs. Really? Truly disgusting. Really? Is it a texture issue?

Everything about them. Do you like eggs? No. Yeah, I mean,iled eggs. Really? Truly disgusting. Really? Is it a texture issue? Everything about them. Do you like eggs? No. Yeah, I mean I like eating eggs at bread, but yeah everything about the deviled egg. How do you feel about a hard-boiled egg more generally? I also don't like that. Okay. That makes sense. You gotta love a hard-boiled egg.

That's the entryway. But the nice thing about a deviled egg to me, I have a hard time not being mad at someone who's eating one near me. Oh, wow. I'm like, they should be able to eat this? Yeah.

Is this the end of Jordan, Jesse, Go? Is that what you're telling me? Just bring in a plate of- Matt, bring in the deviled eggs. Just don't eat them in here, and we won't have to figure out what happens. Yeah. I do love, though.

Yeah. He's going to blow off the shelf and pee on you like the dog did in the closet. Miles, I don't love a hard-boiled egg. I like them fine. I consider them to be, look, our friend Dan McCoy of the Flophouse and I have connected over the fact that if you have one of these little egg steamers, you can just have some hard-boiled eggs in your fridge for when you need a relatively healthy protein-filled snack. Yeah, yeah. But what I do really like is the idea of someone with either a hard or soft-boiled egg,

they're on a picnic, and they have a little tiny salt and pepper. Oh, yeah. I love the little tiny salt and pepper. Yeah. It's almost enough to be a member of the English aristocracy just for the little tiny salt and pepper. Yeah. And to put in a little cup, too.

You have to have the little cup. Okay. When something momentous happens to you, call us at 206-9844-FUN or just send us a voice memo at jjgoeatmaximumfun.org. Can I tell you, Jordan, Matt's excited about this one. He said, I think they recorded it with a microphone. Ooh, some production value. You think they recorded it with a microphone. Ooh, some production value. You can just record them with a microphone. Send them to jjgoatmaximumfun.org. That's what the thing is for.

Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and I'll guess AI Richard Pryor. This is Matt in Florida calling with a momentous occasion. Pause. I'm a few years older than you guys, so I can- First of all, I need to say say this is definitely a microphone but let's get a pop filter we're popping we need a pop filter right come on quincy jones yeah second of all ai richard prior no ai richard kind yes yes tell you that among the things you have to look forward to as your bodies dissolve into goo is not just your future colonoscopy, but the innumerable conversations

you'll have with friends about your colonoscopy. During one such conversation, I claimed that it would be impossible, figuratively if not literally, to tell a gastroenterologist a poop-slash-butt-slash- colon-related joke that he or she had never heard before, probably about a thousand times. But later I thought of one that I thought at least had a chance, and unfortunately my first opportunity to test it out came today, and I thought I'd share it with you. Here's the joke. I said to the doc,

Doc, I've been trying for the last two months to think of a colonoscopy joke that you haven't already heard a thousand times, but in the end I came up empty. If you don't get it, don't worry, you will. But now, bearing in mind that I make no claims as to the quality of that joke, do you think it was indeed a new joke for the doctor? The answer is yes, it was. She had never heard it before, and I even got what seemed like a reasonably sincere laugh.

So I just wanted to tell you kids to dream big and to never give up. And while it's true that this was probably the last available poop joke, there might still be something in the polyp or in the injecting air into the bowels areas. So hang in there. Thanks guys. Is it possible that this was a syndicated radio essay? That guy's radio voice was unbelievable.

This originated from WABC in New York. Yeah. Right. Yeah, right? Yeah, I thought we were about to get traffic on the 10s or something right now. And that's the Colin Minnack. Yeah. I was hoping for a really crass joke. Interesting that that, you know, what that fella needs to make that a more professional recording is the pop filter.

And that story had more P sounds than any story ever told. Absolutely. Yeah, pretty good. But yeah, we roast his lack of a pop filter, but I think this is a new era for the call. Like, let's see more professional production quality. Let's maybe see some original beats. I'd love this to build to a Phil Spector wall of sound. I would love that too.

Plus wigs. Plus wigs, yes. I got to tell you, the other day I went to see Dr. Dorothy Dada, my neurologist, the legendary Dr. D. And when I was leaving, I told her something about something that was going on. And she said, you always have a fun story for me, Jesse. I don't think I've ever felt prouder of my career. What was the story? I don't remember.

You apparently have fun stories you're telling to the neurologist. Tell them on the show. You holding back, man? It was probably that solid gold from earlier about how there's a line for puppies but no line for my dog. That's good. Jesse, we're just reading clues on the show. You've had fun stories? To be clear, we're not reading clues. We're reading

types of clues. It would be one thing if we were solving an actual mystery here. No, no, no. 206-9844-FUN or JJGO at MaximumFun.org and send us those favorite Reddit posts, too. You know what I like, uh, send us those favorite Reddit posts too.

You know what I like? Hmm. I like one that has an air of mystery. Sure. I don't like an outrageous one per se. I like one that lives in a strange world. That's what, uh,

that, uh, the, the one about the man whose landlord thought he broke the elevator by carrying his harp on it too much. Like, I like some malapropism. Sure. I like some letters left out of words.

Yes, do you have any Reddit posts from Amelia Bedelia? Yeah. You can send us. You put the sponge in the cake. R slash Bedelia. Yeah, you slash Amelia Bedelia. Please, post something. Me, maid, parentheses 54.

You slash Amelia Bedelia 69. Wow, she is an OnlyFans. I guess the books aren't selling as well as they used to. She wants to meet me? Would you drive 10 minutes to hear of a stink about a cake? JJGo at MaximumFun.org 206-984-4Fun.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Emily Fleming. And I'm Jordan Morris. We're real comedy writers. And real friends. And real cheapskates. We say, why subscribe to expensive streaming services when you can stream tons of insane movies online for free? Yeah, as long as you're fine with 25 randomly inserted, super loud car insurance commercials.

On our podcast, Free With Ads, we review streaming movies from the darkest corner of the internet's bargain bin. From the good to the weird to the holy, look at Van Damme's big old butt. Free With Ads, a free podcast about free movies that's worth the price of admission. Every Tuesday on MaximumFun.org or your favorite pod spot.

Hallelujah. Hello. Welcome, everyone. Step right up. We're going to heal you. We are the healers, Ross and Carrie. Yes, yes. You there.

You look like you're upset. Come up here. Yes, you are healed because you've listened to our podcast. Yes. Have you been having trouble with demons? Are you sleeping too much, too little, just right? We have the solution. It is to listen to Oh No, Ross and Carrie.

A show where we examine unusual claims. We show up so you don't have to. Find us on MaximumFun.org. We won't actually heal you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Miles Gray, Certified Sock Soaker. Hell yeah.

It's a certification. Yeah. Comes from the American Sock Soaker Association. Sock Soaker Association. That's the test, too. Can you say certified sock soaker? Can you say it? That's how you get the certification.

That's it. It's that easy. And yeah, just pee in a sock. All right, now. Say it three times. Certified sock soaker. Certified sock soaker. Certified sock soaker. All right, he's done it. All right, now. S it three times. Certified Sox Ogre, Certified Sox Ogre, Certified Sox Ogre.

All right, he's done it. Right now, suck my dick, kid. Get out of here. Get your paper. How far exactly did you drive? Ten minutes. Miles, what's the zeitgeist lately from the daily zeitgeist? Oh, man, it's daily. Yeah, it's two zeitgeist lately from the Daily Zeitgeist? Oh, man. It's daily.

Yeah, it's two days a week usually. So the Zeitgeist is two days a week now? No, two. I'm sorry. Jesus, I'm so mixed up. Two times a day. Two times a day? Yeah, we upload eight times a week.

That's far more than daily. Yeah. Well, I mean, like, yeah, because then you do one thing that's, like, a main thing. Then we talk about what's trending in the middle of the afternoon. It's, like, 20 minutes, like, short thing. And, yeah, you know, it's just a fun show if you like to talk about or hear about the news without completely, you know, becoming blackpilled. That's kind of the venue for that because, yeah, there's a lot worth talking about. But I get a lot of times people just don't want to engage

but we try and make it it's great it's a really fun show and they do a great job of balancing actual stuff that's actually going on with just like

hilarious stuff and funny stuff and yeah and y'all are so smart and funny I appreciate that always love hearing you talk about

all that stuff from the serious to the fun Miles I have a question for you. Yes. When I turn on the television news, I feel like all I get is story after story about the worst of America.

Why isn't there a news show with inspiring stories about what makes America so wonderful? Teachers and firefighters, single mothers. Right. Yes. And just stories about hope and overcoming obstacles. Yeah. It's because it doesn't perform well to sell advertisements, unfortunately. Like everything is just about outrage, you know, like from print media to just television. It's like that's our strategies here is trying to make people mad at the show. They're like, God damn it. That's not a joke.

That's a list of a type of thing. You've told that story already. You told it last week. That's what I'm saying. You have the same inflection. It's the same thing. Your own producer doesn't like the show. He hates deviled eggs?

What the fuck? I just don't think we need to talk about it for an hour. It's a classic appetizer. Why do people keep eating eggs near me? Those things, those dog dick toys don't smell bad. They smell fucking great. Dogs would be eating the dicks in the wild. Yeah.

All right. What, you want to make your dog vegan? Yeah. Swap the country's chickens, Dad. I do want to make the dog vegan. I'm a different guy. I'm a different mad guy. And I don't like that the dogs eat meat.

But yeah, I mean, that's a short answer. Yeah, it makes money. Your show sounds good. that's a short answer Your show sounds good It's fun Based on what I'm hearing the last few minutes This sounds good The thing is you have to also talk about it In a way that you can get people to Give a shit too

What about like a young mayor Like somebody who's like 20 but they got elected mayor. That was already on what was the short-lived platform that Katzenberg did? Quibi. Quibi. Remember that was the thing. Young mayor?

Yeah, young mayor. Did you guys see that? That was like the only thing I watched on there because I was like, is this a real thing? The episodes are as short as he is. Yeah. Young mayor. Okay. As short as his life. Yeah. Young mayor, okay. As short as his life.

Yeah. Yeah. So far. Yeah, you want to hear about a young mayor. A threat to murder him. No, no, no. I think we're going to talk about a story in the news about a dog that was lying about being the oldest dog alive. Like someone was lying about their paperwork and it caused a huge controversy.

So we like to do that and also you know like you're crumbling democracy late stage capitalism can i american empire can i ask you a serious question though miles i was just goofing around about the positive better be about socks how do we get some of that fucking quibby money because i heard they were just handing out fucking quibby money and now i was this close from what i understand from what understand, now all these people that had Quibi money before, now they're getting Roku channel money. Sure. Yeah.

Yeah. I feel like every time I'm like 10 minutes late, like I showed up to the Quibi thing, they're like, dude, we just handed out the last 300 grand. I did. I get, this is a feather in my cap. I did get 200 bucks once to punch up a Quibi script that they never shot because Quibi shut down like two weeks

after I did it. But I got my $200. I got my $200 Quibi beans and I feel good. You had to kick the living shit out of Jeffrey Katzenberg. Pay up. I have an invoice. I'm an old man. I started this because I don't know how the internet works.

I like candy. Werther's, in fact. I love hard candy. Even though I fucked up, I'm still rich. Anyway, we have a lot of fun. It's been a joy to talk to you, Miles. Thanks for having me. Jordan, Jesse, go, of course. It's been a joy to talk to you, Miles. Thanks for having me. Jordan Jesse Goldkors, produced by Matt Lieb.

As long as he chooses to be here and put himself through this. I'll be here. Yeah, okay. No, I'm just saying. That's all that is legally required from me. Legally? It's legally. Well, there's other legal requirements.

To not hurt anybody. Yeah. release program. To not hurt anybody. Yeah. You can't steal. I'm not going to hurt anybody. What's that blinking collar you have around your neck? What's that for? It's to keep me here until a pod's over. Well, that's because I'm trying to teach him to walk with a loose leash.

Yeah, yeah, loose leash. And Amanda Waller blows up his head if he tries to run. Yeah. Matt Lieb is our producer on the program. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. You can find

us on Instagram at jordandavidmorris at put.this.on I hope everybody will go out and pre-order Jordan's new book. And Jordan, before we go, I just want to remind people, you have a new show! That's right!

Yes, we mentioned it in the break. We're mentioning it again. It's called Free With Ads. Me and Emily Fleming and super producer Matt Lieb, we're watching all the free, weird movies we find on Free With Ads streaming sites. Time Cop and He's Just Not That Into You are up

now, our first two episodes. I'm going to ask our audience to do something for us. Yes. Listen to Free With Ads. That's step number one, of course. Of course you're going to subscribe to Free With Ads. You love Jordan. You're a Jordan Jesse Go listener.

Step two, recommend it to a skinflint in your life. Sure. Know any cheapskates? You know any folks who still can't plunk down those big bucks for Hulu? Just watching it all and they don't mind loud car insurance commercials?

Send it to the IMDB TV enthusiast in your life. Right. Yeah, Free With Ads. It's a ton of fun. We're excited about it and we think you'll like it. Yeah. Go subscribe to it.

It's so fucking great. Come on. You love Jordan. Subscribe to Free With Ads. Okay. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan and Jessica. I'll hug you and kiss you and love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Maximum Fun. love you