Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Gibbon It Away, with Brea Grant & Mallory O'Meara

Episode Date: January 30, 2025

On this week's episode, we welcome back Brea Grant & Mallory O'Meara (Reading Glasses) to chat monkey puns, announce their new podcast, spout Looney Tunes facts, and more.Celebrate their new book, The No-Pressure Book Journal, and get a copy if you’re in Los Angeles at Skylight Books on Wednesday, February 5th, 2025 at 7:00pm.Follow Reading Glasses on Instagram!Pre-order The No-Pressure Book Journal!Pre-order Mallory’s new book, Daughter of Daring!Want your Capybara roasted? Send to our Instagram!#RoastMyCapyJustice for migrants. Please consider donating to Al Otro Lado this holiday season.Jordan is writing an official Spider-Man comic!Be sure to get our new ‘Ack Tuah’ shirt in the Max Fun store.Or, grab an ‘Ack Tuah’ mug!The Maximum Fun Bookshop!Follow the podcast on Instagram and send us your dank memes!Check out Jesse’s thrifted clothing store, Put This On.Go see Free With Ads and Judge John Hodgman LIVE at SF Sketchfest!Come see Judge John Hodgman: Road Court  live in a town near you! Jesse and John will be all over the country so don’t miss your change to see them. Check the events page to find out where!Follow brand new producer, Steven Ray Morris, on Instagram.Listen to See Jurassic Right!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Goh on America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hey Jesse, you know how I'm like a professional, right? Yeah, no, you are paid to do your work. Sure, I have jobs. do job, check come for job. Look, I work job and today, check for me. I like check, so I do job. And yeah, and

I like to take a lot of pride in my work. I love job, I love check. And so, you know, I'm always just like trying my best to make sure my work is as good as it can be. You're not just a professional, you're the professional. Well, I don't know that I'm that French guy who took care of Natalie Portman. Who am I thinking of? Yeah, someone in there, maybe Luc Besson directed that movie. Man. Yeah, that's who directed it. I'm not him Jean Renault Jean Okay, great. I watched that movie not that long ago and boy did it not sit well with me. Okay Why did people like this so much in the 90s?

It was a it was a different time where it was still licky Okay, go ahead yeah, I'm just to get back on track. I am I am a professional I am good at job. And so to do job recently, and I can't talk about this particular job too much. It's pretty heavily NDA has to do with a pretty big property. So again, I have to be kind of vague with this But I did have to Google monkey puns. I Did find myself in need of some monkey puns? Yeah, so I went to google.com Yeah typed in monkey puns and I got sent to a really helpful website

First thing that came up. It's called Englishleaflet.com. They have a page called 90 funniest monkey puns you'll ever hear. And again, I know we're supposed to be kind of generating the humor on this show, but some of these, this website, Jesse. What's beautiful to me about this is that I feel like this is connecting generations of the internet and that it is combining the, you know, listicle trend of 10, 12 years ago with the kind of subject matter that would have been in an all text page on a gopher query 30 years ago with obviously artificial intelligence generated content of today. So it's bringing everyone together. Yeah. So I just wanted to you know just highlight some of the really fun stuff on 90 funniest monkey

puns you'll ever hear. First of all it starts out it doesn't just get right get right to the puns, Jesse. It romances you a little bit. It doesn't just stick in. You know? That's good. So you get an introduction to monkey puns. I'm always pun-wet, by the way. Well some aren't, Jesse. Some need a little pun romance. I'm before it. Free pun use for you, George. Introduction to monkey puns. Monkey puns are a type of

the humorous word plays that are based on our monkey like qualities, wit, mischievousness, and fun-loving personalities, curiosity, intelligence, agility, love for bananas, and many other characteristics. Yeah those are characteristics of monkeys! Agility! Can't deny it. These guys are always dodging everything. They're agile. They're agile. These puns are particularly good for people who are fond of animals, and especially monkeys and apes.

Why use monkey puns? Add humor to conversations and social media. Break the ice with silly wordplay. Entertain kids and adults alike. Spark smiles by being cheeky and fun. Can I tell you, Jordan? Yeah. This perfect because you know one thing I didn't bring up was search engine optimization and I think if it weren't for the SEO in this article people who Google why use monkey puns would never find the information they

sought. Sure. So no wonder this webpage came up as speedily as it did. And so they have categories of monkey puns, right? Like monkey puns for any situation. The first one, the first category, it's not, you know, it's not silly and it's not kid-friendly. The first category is beautiful monkey puns. Oh. So these aren't just, you know, aren't just there to for a yuck. They're also supposed to be Awe-inspiring or something a touch of elegance and yeah And actually a lot of them and I thought of you when I was reading them Jesse because a lot of them have to do With friendship. Oh, thank you. And you know friendship is something that we share and so, you know

Well, I was reading these beautiful monkey puns. Yeah,'m like, my friend Jesse's got to hear this. So would you mind? Because you came to mind when I was reading these and I just wanted to throw a couple of these your way. I know. Honestly, I'm really, I'm genuinely honored that you thought of me when you thought about monkey friendship and puns. I would love to hear some of these puns. Sounds like a doozy. Yeah. Our time together is always a barrel of laughs. You're my chimpanzee friend. Sure. Well, like a barrel of monkeys or? Yeah. You're my chimpanzee friend.

I've always said that about you, Jesse. You're my chimpanzee and friend. Yeah. I love monkeying around with you, my orangu friend. You're not only my chimpanzee and friend, you're my orangu friend. I love monkeying around with you too, buddy. Would you call me an Urangu friend? What is a podcast if not two Urangu friends, Bucky and Erran? Sometimes the Urangu friends can be Chimney and friends. And finally, your kindness is so disarming.

How can I not offer you an olive branch in return? That's under beautiful monkey puns. That category is beautiful monkey puns. Anyway, how can I not offer you an olive branch in return? What have I offered you? I'd probably eat the fleas that are on you. Oh, yeah, sure, sure. Some social grooming. I would love that. Anyway, I put a link in the chat to the monkey puns. I know, you know, it helped me express,

you know, myself, you know, how I felt about you. I know our guests today are two, they're a podcasting duo. And I don't know, maybe this would help them on their journey of relating to each other. So anyway, just thought I had it seemed appropriate for this record. You know what occurred to me as I was checking out EnglishLeaflet.com? Yeah. You know, I think would be really proud of how far English leaflets have come. Hmm. Benjamin Franklin.

Right. He, of course, made and distributed so many amazing English leaflets. And the fact that one day someone would be inspired by that to register this domain and see how did I get so lucky to have an apetastic friend as you, my dearest macaque. Jordan, can I just say- So, Jordan, can I just say- Just stretching the definition of pun here, just call your friend a monkey. Jordan, can I just- Just call your friend a species of monkey.

Can I just tell you, you're the bonobo of my dreams? What is that supposed to be? I think it just means they do they like, they do a lot of social sex. That's sure, right? They're always fucking to improve social bonds, including incest and so forth. Incest, homosexuality, whatever comes up. Yeah, I think that's what that beautiful monkey pun means. Did you see this meme that says, I love you to the moon and back, you furry little cutie. It's got two cute little monkeys there. I didn't see that it had memes. Oh man, this is a rich vein. Are there monkey puns that work for greetings? Yes!

Wishing you all the monkey shines today. Here's to another barrel of fun together. Hope you have a swinging good time. That all sounds like something a man with a long ponytail says to you. Our guests on the program, Mallory O'Meara and Bria Grant, are the co-hosts of the Reading Glasses podcast. And can I just say to the two of you, wishing you all the monkey shines today? The monkey shines sounds like something that you could die of in 1920. Something that a Navy man gets. You didn't eat enough lemons one month and you got the monkey shines and then your wife left you.

Came back from the Panama Canal. Shitting my braids out from the monkey shines. The only monkey that has blue eyes besides humans, are humans monkeys? I like to think of myself as a bit of a monkey. When I reach puberty, I'll perhaps rip off your face in general. It's not yours, but if someone threatens me. The only other one besides humans, lemurs.

That was in the New York Times crossword puzzle today. Lemur was the answer. If you haven't done it yet, the answer is lemurs. Mm. Oh. Lemurs. That was in the New York Times crossword puzzle today. Lemur was the answer. If you haven't done it yet, the answer is lemur. What was the question? Only other monkey to have blue eyes besides humans. It was something like that. Or ape, or whatever the definition. I would have guessed husky.

Husky dog. Noted ape. The Alaskan Malamute. First of all, Mallory, we're not talking about apes, we're talking about monkeys. Fair enough. That's why they called Frank Sinatra the singing lemur because of those beautiful blue eyes. So hold on, does that mean that there's a whole separate page for ape puns? Yeah.

No, I don't know. Well, see also the other I also see 160 witty camping puns to light up your trip and egg puns whisking up some laughs. You got all the life life spaces covered at that point. Do not go bacon. Tickle your funny bone. Do not go bacon my heart rate up. Dr. Puns to tickle your funny bone. Do not go bacon my heart rate up. That's good. Woo. That's from, that's the breakfast. That's one of the egg puns. It's one of the egg puns.

Bacon's not an egg. That's a pretty big dill pickle. It's another one of the egg puns from the. I was going to say, pickles are not a breakfast food. But for Brea Grant, they might be. Brea, you're probably the only person I know who would eat a pickle for breakfast. Brea Grant I ate a pickle in the car in my drive home

today. Aaron Powell Oh, yeah. So, you have like a pickle in the glovebox just in case you get a little peckish? Brea Grant Just to keep it extra? Kasey Panetta Instead of a console, it's just a pickle jar that she keeps. Brea Grant I kind of was concerned someone might look over and see me, but if they did, they didn't honk or anything.

Aaron Powell Tell us about this car pickle. How did you get it in there? What sort of pickle was it? I went to screening and then I was near Cantor's. So I stopped at Cantor's, got some pickles. Oh, OK. So this is like a premium deli pickle. Yeah. Yeah. Well, then I couldn't wait. And so it's a little bit it's like a 30 minute drive home.

So I just pulled it out and ate it in the car. So these are supposed to be like pickles for the week, but you're like, I can open it. I only got one. I only got one pickle. Because are they, were they like full size? Well, they. Like big pickles.

They're coming all different sizes, Mal. Yeah, that's the problem. Yeah, like full size. They weren't gherkin, if that's what you're asking. It was not a teeny pickle. You're not a freak just if it's different. Also, I was at a party once, and a woman thought that a pickle was its own type of vegetable.

She did not realize that it was a pickled cucumber. She thought that a pickle, that's how they grew out of the ground. And someone had just jarred them. Well, she was in hot water chestnut now. I really open. She was in hot water chestnuts now. I really open... ...open...

...open... ...open... I do like water chestnuts. I like water chestnuts too. They're so crunchy. So, Mallory and Bria, y'all's podcast reading classes, you discuss books and literature. And it's, you know,

and it's a wide, you have a wide ranging variety of, of topics on the show. And I don't want to like pigeonhole y'all, but I do every time I podcast with y'all, I do want to ask what the latest horny fantasy Sean is. Oh, I'm so excited about the. The same question for them, Jordan. And I have, I also. Neither of you are even ready for this. You are fully not ready for what we're about to tell you.

It's actually pigeon holes. That's the thing. That's what we were thinking about. Those filthy pigeons. Brea, they're called cloacas, okay? Please, let's get it right. Get it right. I have to say, I was thinking of both of you because I read an entire New Yorker article about horny vampire fantasy. Fairies?

Yeah. Alaskan vampire fantasies like an intense 30 days a night....controversy in the world of horny book publishing about a woman who was accusing a bestselling author of having stolen her book idea for a horny Alaskan vampire bush pilot fantasy novel. It is specific. Apparently one of the big issues in there is that the genre is so well defined.

The thing that I learned in this article is they didn't feel like they could make any hay out of the fact that the woman who was accusing them of stealing her book idea was from Alaska. She shared an agent with the woman who was accusing them of stealing her book idea was from Alaska. She shared an agent with the woman who eventually published the book, the woman who's being sued. Oh, this is spicy. And the agent basically wrote the book with her client, as far as I can tell.

And also, while the first woman, the plaintiff, had grown up in Alaska flying on bush planes, it was seen to be very poor evidence that the idea had been stolen because apparently all horny vampire fantasies are either in Alaska, New Orleans, or Las Vegas. That's what an expert said. Yes. I think you're going to say they're formulaic, which is the other problem. It's what an expert said. Yes. I think you're gonna say there. It's Alaska. Which is the other problem. It's a bit formal. That's true. Well, it's in Alaska because of 30 Days of Night, the comic by Steve Niles, and you get the polar night. So it's a horny stomping ground for vampires. So it is very popular to set things in Alaska.

Although, Priya, I don't think you and I have read a horny Alaskan vampire book yet. No, no. But that makes sense that there are a bunch set there. But you could really set it anywhere like North, like, you know, Northern Canada, Northern Ireland. Like you set it anywhere where there's like tons of night time.

Iceland. Yeah, Iceland, yeah, it seems like. Tons of night time. Because, you know, then you don't have to go home between between fucks. You can just stay out all day all night. Yeah, as Kiss would say you could party party all night long and every day. I actually like to go home between fucks and have a little me time. I'm not going to do my own thing for 43 new one. 43 years old. Well, you're not. First of all, you're not a vampire.

And vampires are machines. Well, don't be presumptuous, but continue. That's why they need all that blood for all the boners. Just see, are you 40? Are you 43 years old? I'm 43 years old. So am I. Oh, congratulations to us.

You've accomplished so much more in your life. I just feel like a little sad now. I feel like... Brea, you're literally sitting in front of the one of the features, the posters of one of the feature films. I'm sitting in front of two of the feature films I've directed. Yeah. Thank you. And I ate a pickle on the way home. You know, let's do this. Brea, Jesse, accomplishment off. And go. Just start listing them.

How many pickles did you eat on the way home, Jesse? I just have never talked to Jude Law, that's all I'm saying. I've never spoken once to Jude Law. That's true. Alright, before we go any further, Bria, we have to tell them about the horny book that we just read. I'm excited about this. You have to intermeet a Jude Law. No, but we do have to tell them about the book that we just read.

Get ready, it's called... Wait, wait, we're gonna let you guess the title, okay? That's gonna be more fun. We're gonna, wait. We're going to let you guess the title. OK? That's going to be more fun. We're going to tell you what it is, and you're going to guess the title. It's about, Brea, you tell them what it is, and I'll tell them the justification, the magic system behind how this possibly works.

I think you have to guess the title first. But it's a sentient door. OK. Erotica. Sex with a woman. Now, the door is male, this is erotica sex with a woman Okay, now the door is male which you come to find out but You can imagine the just to give you details couple details You know the things that stick out on a door

Those are you deadbolt boner? Now guess the type. Okay, I'm gonna say give me that knob Good fun, I was gonna say, Give Me That Knob. Oh, good one. Good one. I was gonna say Back Door Santa. Why is Santa involved? Santa's not involved in this. Although there is a mythological being who is involved. Actually, multiple mythological beings.

She could learn a Turner song. Call me Back Door Santa'd make my way back. I was just in a bar the other day on a date and they started playing stroking in the bar and everybody started singing except for my date and it was very funny. Mallory, title of the book. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Mallory, I don't want to, you know, backseat drive your dating, but like, get you a man who knows stroking, right?

Well, I did, Rick, I did, it did let me educate him about the Clarence Carter. So the book is called Unhidden and the reasoning behind why the door is sentient is that... This is a spoiler if you're going to read the book, so fast forward if you're planning on reading. No, this is not, this is only the backstory. This is not the plot of it. This is not Okay, you're not but I feel like I was surprised by this. Yeah, I was surprised by it. Okay Well, but this is too good. This could this could really get listeners to read this book It's apparently in ancient Greece Zeus saw a quote very sexy tree Zeus saw a quote very sexy tree fucked one of the knotholes of the tree and one of the acorns of that tree fell down to the ground rolled into a river was

swept into the sea brought to America grew into an oak tree and the wood from that tree got turned into a door that is installed in this apartment and one day a beautiful woman moves into said apartment and the door gets a dead bull boner for her. Wow. So the door is made partially from Zeus' cum? Yes. Wow. Yes. And that's why he's so horny.

Right. The horniest of the Greek pantheon. If I remember Dallaire's... It's a pretty horny pantheon too, so that's saying something. If I remember Dallaire's book of Greek myths, well, it's probably been since middle school that I read it, but Zeus came lightning bolts, right? I think he was just normal cum. I think it depends on what form he's in, because sometimes he's like regular man Zeus but sometimes he's a swan sometimes he's a bull sometimes he's maybe he wasn't maybe he fucked around and was a door for a little while I have a question for the two of you Brienne Mallory is so like if you had told me a year ago when the two of you described to me in an audience at a Max Fun Drive live show, the specifics of the fairy fucking genre, where supermask heterosexual or pansexual

fairies fuck women who learn that the fairies have been waiting for them their entire lives, their entire like infinite, near infinite lives. I would have thought you it was a goof, a type of goof book, like a goof around book. And over the course of hearing you describe the specifics of that genre, I learned that it's not a goof around type of book. It's a book. It is the most popular type of book right now. And also in order to even understand the book, you have to learn all this world building

and like 40 characters. Like you are, it's not, wait, I need a definition, Jesse, what is a goof book? Well, it's like a- It's the toilet books that we were talking about. Oh, it's a joke book. Anything written by Will he make it? I mean, like, I think that there are there are horny books that are written where the goal is to come up with an idea so silly that people buy it as a joke.

that people buy it as a joke. Okay. This is maybe the like Chuck Tingle, you know, taken by the billionaire Triceratops type stuff, right? Yeah. Exactly. And I think in an era where publishing can be digital, so you don't have to plan ahead and know that you're going to sell 2000 of something in order to print it up. You know what I mean? Right. No, yeah.

I think that that lowers the expectations as far as goofbooks go. You can pump out the word count to whatever, to whatever your... Very specific word choice here. Platform requires you can make a goofbook. I also know that there are, as with these fairies, there, and I'm, was excited to hear about the world building. I did learn from this New Yorker article that world building is kind of frowned upon right now. Kind of more focus on, more focus on feeling less on world building.

I learned from some of the publishers that were in it. In the vampire world. In the vampire world? In the world of fantasy romance smart got it yeah romantic is what they call it yeah thank you where on the goof spectrum does this door fucking book land funny you should say that jesse because we are investigating this very thing i am of the opinion in this six-part podcast. Well, reading glass is always known for its hard-hitting journalism. So, you know, you knew that Bree and I were going to get in there. And my belief- Only door fuckers in the building.

My belief is that there is a little bit of like goof and titillation that masks real interest here. And I do think that there is... Okay, I want you all to come on a journey with me. Okay. I think... Should we close our eyes? No, do not. I think the sentient door is to heterosexual female readers as the stepsister stuck in a dryer is to male porn watchers.

Okay, alright. The step-sister stuck in a dryer. I'm going to need to hear a little more about that from you, Mallory. I can tell the married man on this show because you don't know what the step-sister in a dryer is. So, step-sister stuck in a dryer is a very popular porn subcategory for men right now. And I believe it is because men are afraid to talk to women now. So you get a woman that you already know that she is your step-sister, but she's not blood

related to you, and she's stuck in a dryer. So she is stuck there. And you can't see her face, so you don't have to interact face to face with her. And- But you know she's hot Yeah, and everything's out available everything that you're interested in is available to you. So and she's got a downy fresh Hell it's good for for guys who are feeling uncomfortable talking to women. I feel like the sentient door is good for women who

were frustrated from dating. And like, imagine if you just had a horny object in your home that was always stuck in the same place and thought nothing but good things about you. And you could bang at will, pun intended and not intended. So I think I think there is a through line in our culture right now, where people are very, we're rotting in late stage capitalism, people are very stressed out, and they're searching and these are mental escapes for people. And that's why you want to figure out how to put a doorknob inside

of your orifices. Nat. Wow. So the primary appendage in the sack. Katie. He's kneeling on the floor with her front from the waist up. She is stuck in the dryer. Oh, I thought she was tumbling like a cat. No, she's kneel. It's one of those dryers that are on the floor. She's kneeling down. She is reached inside that. I don't think most of these, I haven't really seen any of these boards, but I'm imagining that she was reaching for an errant sock perhaps and she got stuck in there and and her horny stepbrother walks in and sees her It's my favorite. It's my favorite Smith song stepsister

Just to add to what Mallory said which I think is a good reasoning for the books but if you want to know the level of goof this writer also did write a book about a sentient horny balloon animal so I do think there is a little bit of a goof to the I think there's a shock to it like it's like a like oh that's weird and then get it but I want to say this has 16,000 reviews on Goodreads or something like that. Holy shit. Hold on, wait, I'll go look it up. Don't believe me.

How was the prose? How did you find the prose? It was perfectly serviceable. I mean, the thing about these books is the focus- Not unlike a step sister who's stuck in a dryer. Sorry, I'm wrong. It's not 16,000 reviews on Goodreads. It's 19,000 reviews on Goodreads. The focus on these books, because these are straight erotica, it's not a big language

focus. It is like you're getting in and you're getting out. It's very economical prose, I would say. But there are descriptions. I mean, she really goes into how hard that door is, how his wood is shuddering in the frame, how he feels her cheek pressed against him when she's picking up her door dash orders. I mean, it's not sparse by any means, but it is very... It's doing its job. Aaron Ross Powell What's the page count on this? Katie Fletcher 92 pages. Aaron Ross Powell So it's a novella. Katie Fletcher Yeah. Aaron Ross Powell It's about the length of What's the page count on this? 92 pages. So it's a novella.

Yeah. It's about the length of Stephen King's The Mist. Says 70, 71 on- I use big font on my Kindle-y readers. For Kindle. But I will say, it felt a bit longer than that to me. Just reading. Really?

It didn't just carry you on wings of dreams. All of a sudden you realized you'd read an entire book. Yeah, I did. It sounds like maybe there's it sounds like maybe there's a like challenge element to writing these two. Is it like is it like these you know, these authors get together at a summit or something in when they each draw an object and they have to figure out how to make it sexy? Yeah, maybe. That does seem like it is more pulled from that rather than...but also maybe there was just a void, you know, an opening, like a door might cover.

Or like a... A dryer. Steps of a dryer. Or like a step of a dryer. If folks are interested in hearing us go into the complexities of how one physically fucks a door, you can hear us every other Friday starting February 14th, Valentine's Day, where we launch our new show, Reading Smut. Wow.

Reading Smut. That's right. We did not get very clever with the title. We tried. We actually tried to, but then we had 90 top smut puns, and the one that hit the hardest was reading smuts. We did think about titling it, have a swinging good time, but it just didn't really work with the rest of the branding.

I love you, my horned up friend. Can I just say to you three, you are walking on thin albumin. What? What types of smut will you cover on the show? This is the first episode. Oh, the door? Okay. Yeah, we're going to do unhinged.

We're doing unhinged. And then the second episode we are going to do similar to what we did live on the Max Fun Drive last year We're gonna talk about horny fairies why people love why people are horny for fairies specifically what it is about a fairy why they're Yeah, because it obviously that's a big that's a big one right now outside of vampires Actually, it would say it's probably bigger than vampires Fairies are bigger than the president Bria thinks it's because of the wings I would say it's probably bigger than vampires. Fairies are bigger than vampires. And Bria thinks it's because of the wings.

Vampires kind of seems like old news, right? Vampires, kind of 2000s? No, vampires are eternal. They're back, maybe. Vampires are having a revival, according to the New Yorker. Vampires are eternal. People are always horny for vampires. People are always horny for werewolves.

They're always horny for vampires. They are cyclical. Fairies, though, is kind of a new thing. And we are second episode of the show we go into why. Bria thinks it's because of the large wings. I think it's because of late stage capitalism and people really want a man with a nice house and a lot of money. Big lot of drapery. Are fairies do fairies have like a good 401k? They're all rich? They're all rich They're all rich and there's no explanation. I guess they're cuz they're old that generational wealth

I always think about this like if if I was a vampire if I lived hundreds of years and you know They're always rich at some point. There's like yeah, I saved you know Yeah, I don't know. I don't know if I if I was living for hundreds of years, would I be planning? Honestly, I just don't think I'd be planning. I'm sorry to be this guy, but I think they're just a bunch of nepo fairies. Yeah, that's right. One of the things that this like that this new year I'm going back to this New Yorker article. There was one there was two in The Guardian. I mean, it is the buzziest thing right now. Why people are horny for fairies. Fairies though, the fairies though, the New Yorker one's about vampires.

Mallory, get straight things. Oh, vampires. Right, right, right. Sorry, I have fairies on the brain. Yeah, it's about Alaska bush pilot vampires. Mallory, first of all, I just want to take a moment because the moment passed without me acknowledging it. I just want to honor your suggestion that I don't know about types of pornography because I'm

I honor I honor I honor that idea. I'm holding space for your marriage My look my entire life is pornographic since I got married. Has your wife ever got stuck in a dryer? She's stuck in a dryer in the house right now. I'm going to be home with her for a few minutes. Hopefully the kids aren't. Yeah. But the problem is you don't have one of those sideways dryers.

You have a top down dryer. And it's just her little legs sticking out of the top and kicking. That's the big problem. But one of the things that I was struck by in this New Yorker article is that like one of the big issues in this world, and this was like the, you know, this was the relatively big money side of romance publishing. So this wasn't like, this wasn't, none of this stuff was independently published. I mean, these were publishers that specialized in romance, but like, it was, it were, was ones that were bringing it raking in dough by the, you know, sky pile, which is, and, and like like the thing about it was these authors have to move so fast, it's like

they are like keeping an eye on the hashtags on book talk. And then they have to like, they have to be like hitting the right tag. It's like SEO, like they have to be hitting the right tag. It's like SEO. They have to hit the right tags, get it out in X amount of time. It takes time to print books if they're making actual books, so they have to hit it fast. It is this whole series of things.

And that is what leads to, ultimately, the publisher, the author, and the author's book agent writing a book and then maybe the book agent stealing it from her former client. Like the cascade of shit just because they heard that like fucking bush pilot vampires is what we need to write books about now. You know what I mean? I mean, the occupation kind of sells itself. Like if a vampire came up and told me he was a bush pilot pilot I am interested Sure, do you think that the chick from Northern exposure was a vampire?

She was definitely a bush pilot do you think the most? Yeah, I was on a podcast from a friend of mine Becky Feldman She does a great podcast called Too Stupid to Live, where she reads a romance novel that has to be under $5. And we read a caribou shape shifter romance novel. And it was set at Christmas time. So there you go, kind of a backdoor Santa situation. And I was like, God, this is so specific.

And the story part was a little clumsy. It was a divorcee who was a cougar shapeshifter. Was she also a cougar in real life? Yeah, I think so. I think that was a little on the nose. And this kind of tough talking where Caribou moves to town. I think it's a town of all shapeshifters.

There's some backstory that I was unclear on. And you know, it's a little clunky. It's a little like Hallmark Christmas movie for a while. But when they got down to it, like- Wait, wait, wait. So are they banging in their human forms or are they banging in their animal forms? Great question, Mallory. Unclear.

I think... I got the... in my mind, when I was jacking off, I was imagining kind of them in a state betwixt, right? Like some human characteristics and some animal characteristics. And, you know, you kind of... you don't know if you're coming or going. like some human characteristics and some animal characteristics and You know, you kind of you don't know you don't know if you're coming or going but you're definitely coming More and I was like There were parts of it where I was like not my thing, but I kind of get it I kind of get it like has one of these ever ever felt effective in that way to you? Well, that's what we're going to be getting into on the show. And I will say, you're talking

about the hyper specificity. I think that is part of the marketing techniques because there are so many of these books that in order to get some sort of interest and stand out from the pack or the herd as the case may be, you have to have some sort of, you know, you have to be a sentient door. You have to be an Alaskan bush pilot. You know, you have to be, you got to have a little something to stand out. And I don't think either you or I have read a book yet of these kind of goof-esque ones that has done it for either of us. I mean, last time we were on here, we were talking about the Minotaur one, you know. Right, right, right, right.

But I don't, I... Well, there's pieces of each that I'm like, okay. But then there's a lot of it that I'm like, hmm, cow tongue. You know, like, there's like, that's the problem. Is it like, door? I don't know. But then there are parts where I'm like, good description. You kind of like elevated it. I don't know. But then the person I'm like, good description. You did you you kind of like elevated it.

I don't want to I don't want to rule it out. Because who knows? What's the furthest down? What's the furthest down the fantastical route that you have found yourselves and had it work for you? In these books? Being very personal. Not IRL. You're like, well, I knew one sort of very new kind guy. No, no, no. I mean that with what you're doing, books work for us personally. I mean, I like the werewolf stuff.

I love a hairy chest. So that's my inroad. I don't like vampires because they're too... I don't want a guy that looks like he can't open my jar of pickles. I don't want a guy that looks like he can't open my jar of pickles. I don't want a guy that looks like he can't open my jar of pickles. I don't want a guy that looks like he can't open my jar of pickles. I don't want a guy that looks like he can't open my jar of pickles.

I don't want a guy that looks like he can't open my jar of pickles. I don't want a guy that looks like he can't open my jar of pickles. I don't want a guy that looks like he can't open my jar of pickles. I don't want a guy that looks like he can't open my jar of pickles. I don't want a guy that looks like he can't open my jar of pickles. I don't want a guy that looks like he can't open my jar of pickles. I don't want a guy that looks like he can't open my jar of pickles. I don't want a guy that looks like he can't open my jar of pickles. I don't want a guy that looks like he can't open my jar of pickles. I don't want a guy that're too. I don't look I don't want I don't want a guy that looks like he can't open my jar of pickles, you know, we're werewolves. No lies, no hairless. But the werewolf stuff

I can get into not when they're in their wolf form. But normally when they're not in their wolf form, they're pretty hairy and burly. And like, that's kind of my deal. So yeah, I get werewolf stuff works for me for sure That's why I'm not into the fairies because they're so They're so I don't know Delicate clean. Yeah, whereas I I find a like a little skinny scarecrow Like I'm into it like a little scarecrow come to life, man. We're definitely fighting a scarecrow book Wait, so you're saying that the book that made you horny is

Movie and I've never put that together. Wow. Someone just saw a video of my husband and they said he's kind of like a sexy scarecrow and I was like, he kind of is. Here's the thing, the thing that you brought up, Jesse, about the, that they all appeal to certain parts of the fantasy fantasy even if like oh you're not into gargoyles which I'm like I'm not like no thanks but the fact that you're the most special person that they've ever met in all their years of

being a gargoyle and like you're so funny and so smart and I I say you even though it's not written in a you thing she is but you relate to the woman in it usually you don't have to but I do. And so I am like that part is appealing in every book and every one of the books where he's like you're the most special woman. I've lived thousands of years and I just found the most special woman who also sometimes she's magical. So you're living out like multiple fantasies you know. Yeah it's really a whole package deal where it's not just like the big weird monster dick.

It's also that monster dick who like wants to buy you Lube-a-tons and like has a nice house and like loves you more than anything in the world. Because the Gargo one... Has a nice set of friends. Has a nice set of friends. Yeah, the Gargo one. He bought her a bunch. He kept buying her Lube-a-tons, right?

Like it was like... It's truly like a whole fantasy. It's not just like, ooh, a big sexy cowboy comes in and bangs you and it's just 50 pages. It's like a whole, it really is fantastical in that way. And in the world of modern dating where you're just getting swiped past, who doesn't want to fall in love?

Or matching with guys who don't have bed frames, it's very mad. Mad is upset about this bed frame thing. That was my dad when he got divorced from my mom. We didn't have beds for, I think, until after he got married to my stepmother. Wow. Yeah, solid five years that we did not have beds. It's truly a thing. So when you're reading about a fairy who has a big beautiful mansion and a rose garden and it could fly around, I mean, it's very exciting.

I noticed something in the caribou book that spoke to that, I think. Something that the sexy caribou shapeshifter did for the cougar was he set up her DVR. And I'm like, I think I know the target audience for this. I think I know. Did he turn up motion smoothing for her, too? Yeah, he's like, you're going to want to vote for sports, but it makes things look a little PBS. Also, I think we ran past something that's kind of, well, a bonanza, a potential bonanza. And maybe this is something

we could all do together, kind of like an author and an agent. I'm glad that you continued that sentence, Gordon. Oh yes. Yeah. I'm proposing a work venture, a work venture, a creative work venture that will make us all rich. You're like, I have this really beautiful door in my apartment building. Yeah, the other crown molding on this. Crown molding. Is that something I don't know. I just pulled out a molding that I've had heard of one. We ran past something that's kind of important. So I think like Mallory, you were saying that like there's an audience for stepsister in dryer. There's an audience for straight woman on door.

Do we get all of these people if stepsister gets stuck in the dryer? It's not the step brother that comes along. What if it's the dryer itself? Oh. See, that is the ultimate. That is what Jordan go Write that and publish

This out make this into a book. Oh, yeah, she gets stuck in the dryer and then the dryer starts warming up. Yeah Rumbling a little bit talking to her in there. Uh-huh. It's quick way to a concussion. Oh empty my lid trap It's a quick way to a concussion. Oh, empty my lint trap. I'm seeing the vision. Oh, you got to clean my ducts regularly. I'm seeing the vision here. There will be a fire. I thought you were going to say we should combine the shy people who want to fuck doors

and the shy people who want to fuck their step sisters. But I actually I'm into the magical horny dryer now. Well that brings me to the question that I did ask Brea at some point. If you had to fuck an item in your home or no. What do you think is the most fuckable item in your home? Like that's a piece of furniture. My husband. Beautiful. I got one of those. I get this really nice pepper grinder recently. Oh, OK.

The crank on this thing. Okay. The crank, the feel of the grinding of the peppercorns. Oh my God, this grinder. Do you use that much fresh pepper that you needed your own grinder at home? I love it. Give me more pepper.

Wow, okay. Are you, like what's your salt to pepper ratio when you're putting it on something? Two to one. two to one? Two to one pepper. Wow It's a peppery Well, okay, all right Jesse what if you had to pick it yeah, yeah, so mine isn't sensual necessarily more

Yeah, so it's more it's more for me about the sort of the emotional relationship and the fantasy than it is the world building. I'm going to say my humidifier. Ooh. I got a really nice humidifier. I went on Wirecutter. I said, what humidifier do they recommend? I think that's very sensual the steam coming up. It's like It's wet. It's moist. I mean, but it's like it's like it's like the furniture fucking version of putting Vaseline on the lens

You know, it's very it's a little obscure. There's a little mystery there It's sort of boxy and not in the way I would like but it has a... there is the emotional element here is that I feel so supported by it. Like I feel like I have such an intimate relationship with it that it helps me feel good as I sleep. And when I wake up, I feel fresh and dewy in a way that I wouldn't without, whereas otherwise I might wake up with a little more of a headache or I might wake up feeling parched. And I feel so cared for by the humidifier. That's beautiful, Jesse.

That's truly beautiful. I think you should write that too. Well, I'm a married man. You know the complexities of love. And let me just say, Teresa, if you're listening, which you're not, because as you once said to me, I've heard you in Jordan talk. Teresa, if you're listening, you're my humidifier. Wow.

So beautiful. Actually. My humidifier. Secondarily, my, you're my humidifier. Wow. So beautiful. Actually- Also my humidifier. Secondarily, my humidifier is my humidifier. My humidifier is your humidifier because we sleep in the same room and we use it in there. Actually, can we just stop down for a minute? I just heard my dryer buzz. Can we take a break? Got to move some stuff around.

That's a pretty foul excuse. Gotta move some stuff around. You know what I mean? That's a pretty foul excuse. Let's not beat this topic to a froth. You're really eggs-acerbating this situation. I love monkey puns. You are poaching my thunder. That's a shell of a yolk tail. Jesus.

That's a yolk tail. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Goh. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorn, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hey, this week I am on the road with the Judge John Hodgman podcast and I hope everyone will come out and see us. It's going to be a grand time in Vancouver, Seattle, Portland, San Francisco, and here in Los Angeles with Jordan

Jesse Goh. Jordan, you have a fun time at SF SketchFest? I had a blast. I had a goddamn blast. SF SketchFest, best comedy festival there is. There I said it. Yeah. Yeah, we have recorded a really fun live episode of Free With Ads about Twilight, which is

way worse than I thought it was going to be. Oh my God. I had no idea. Is that the one where it has a scene where like the vampires and werewolves play baseball against each other? It's, there's a vampire baseball scene and yeah, that is actually like kind of fun. The rest of the movie is like the room. Oh, okay.

Yeah, I wish it was all baseball scenes. Oh my god. Oh, yeah, we had a ton of fun talking about it. And I was also a guest on the Doughboys pod. We had a hell of a fun time. So yeah, look out for both those in your podcast feeds. That's a couple of dream teams, Jordan Morris and Emily Fleming and Jordan Morris and the Doughboys. Come on. Oh, yeah. With a stick. I want to say this. This is the last week of this fundraiser that we've been doing for Alotro Lado, for direct services for migrants at the border, both sides of the US-Mexico border. And I really thought we put up 25 grand.

I really thought maybe we'll get, maybe we can get another 25 grand if we call it a match, right? That's what I thought Jordan. We are currently at 125 thousand dollars plus $75,000 in matches that's $200,000 plus I just got an email yesterday that said any money that's donated during the tour will

be matched up to $25,000. So that means we are closing in on a quarter million dollars. Hey, pretty good. Holy fucking shit. Everybody out there, you fucking rule. God bless you. It's a fucking shit world out there and you are doing a great job, including there, you fucking rule. God bless you. It's a fucking shit world out there and you are doing a great job. Including Jordan, you and John were both kind enough to give,

Steven gave, that was really cool of Steven. I bet Jennifer Marmer gave and I just missed it but otherwise, she's out. You know what I mean? Sorry, Jennifer. 20 years of friendship in the trash. Anyway, go to alotrolado.org slash let's do something. That's alotrolado.org slash let's do something. And, you know, you can give 10 bucks and set it up to donate monthly or quarterly or something. There's all kinds of all kinds of money you can give. And huge, huge thanks to all the listeners who've given we are now over 1300 people have given 1350 people have currently given Jordan can you fucking believe that shit?

Amazing. Totally amazing. Three other people have said I'll give a $25,000 match. Wild. Unbelievable. You all rule so much. Okay, that's it. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Goh. It's Jordan and Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart, Jordan Morris, boy detective. Brea Grant, carpickle eater, Mallory O'Meara, excessive hydrator. Guys, wait. I need to share this. I'm sharing a meme with you guys. Oh, good. to share this. I'm sharing a meme with you guys. Oh, good. I love memes. Oh, it's from Englishleaflet.com.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Why is this so horny? Why is this so- It's really horny. Okay, so what we're looking at is a meme. It's two hands- We're definitely sharing this meme on our Instagram, by the what we're looking at is a meme it's to

We're definitely sharing this meme on our Instagram by the way at Jordan Jessie go pause. It's gonna be all memes from English leaflet calm from here on The the meme is to hand very By the way, very wet hands moist beautifully manicured though. The nails on this hand are really, really nicely taken care of. But yeah, as Mallory said, there's kind of a sticky film on them. And they're coming out of a black void. Just kind of nothingness.

Looks like a slick film to me, but I'm a married man. Sure. The married and the unmarried see things very differently. Well, Bria's married too. Bria, are you seeing a different... What do you see on man? Is it like those special shrimp that see different colors than the rest of the spectrum? Are you seeing a different thing on these hands? I don't even... These hands are gloves in mine. I don't understand.

Wow. Oh, so you're really married. Oh, so you're really married. What character is that, Jordan? I don't know. He kind of sounds like the Macho Man. He's like a wrestler. He's like a wrestler hitting on me in a bar. Maybe a Macho Man Randy Savage performing recommitment ceremony I wish I was married so I could have a recommitment ceremony like that. Oh, yeah. What do you love about your partner? 20 years ago you gathered here with our priest

It hasn't been easy, but it's always been beautiful. Thank you, Macho Man. Are you dead? Probably. Are you bad in life? I don't know. Almost certainly. Professional wrestler revealed to be Supes Chill.

Okay, these hands. These hands. Oh wait, at some point I do have to say, Mallory and I do read regular books. Yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, I was, you know, I wanted to highlight- I read James last year. I read, like, I read- I was gonna ask if you've read any retellings of Huckleberry Hills. That's the number one kind of book. I do love that you read James and then followed it up with reading a woman trying to put a

doorknob in her orifices. I love that we contain multitudes. And that's right. That's right. And they both were entertaining for different reasons. Different reasons. Yeah. Just want everyone to know. A little salty, a little sweet. If you want to have the mask equivalent of that experience, I just recommend reading any of Jonathan Ames' detective novels that he was promoting on our show last week or two weeks ago. I read all three of them in one week and they're all just regular brutal crime novels. But also once in a while, there's just a whole part where someone is really upset that they have diarrhea.

Okay. Not in a joke way, just in a really serious way. They're up there. They're bumped because they they don't like they don't don't like their inside. That makes me happy because I wish there was more diarrhea in literature. Jonathan Ames has it covered my friend. I just thought like I wish there was more diarrhea. I wish there was more menstruating. And I just feel like in my life, maybe because I am an excessive hydrator, there are so many situations where I have to go to the bathroom so badly and I'm always reading these books I'm like, why when are these characters going in the bathroom?

They're not attending like there's so many situations that that have high drama and you know, you very rarely see it So, you know what? I appreciate it. The most dramatic thing in my life, frankly is Will I find a good part of this movie to run out to the bathroom? Yes. Any movie that's over two and a half hours, I won't see it in the theater. I'm not seeing The Brutalist in the theater. I just went to see the new Wolfman movie with a friend of mine this weekend and I was excited because it was an hour 42 and I was, it gets bumped up a whole star reading. The Brutalist has- That's a good length for a Wolfman.

The Brutalist has a break. The Brutalist has an actual break built in that you get up I know it's still not enough though I drink so much cherry coke there's a website for this Jesse it's called like when to go to the bathroom or something what George let's describe this meme oh yeah I would like to hear Valerie's take on the Wolfman movie though at some point I'm kind of excited to see that one sir do you like it? It's very wet. Thumbs down from Brea. A big wet from Mallory. The design of the Wolfman, I am a Wolfman aficionado. I am really into werewolves and werewolf movies and the design of the Wolfman was a little moist for me. Okay. Canonical Wolfman as far as I'm concerned is Lon Chaney Jr. in Abbott and Costello meet Dracula.

And is he wet or dry? Is he dry in that movie? He's dry and very sad. Mmm. Mmm. Needs a humidifier. There you go. That's why it's so sad. Too dry. Do the hands in the meme remind you of when people put lipstick on their thumb and finger and then talk and do like a puppet show? They do.

They do. Someone's trying to do that with a yoke. So we've got these hands, they're cracking an egg. They're coming out of a black void and with long black sleeves. And so they're cracking an egg. This yoke is going all over the place. Oh man, yolk everywhere. And the meme text is that idea is pure yolkification. No, yolk fiction. Oh, yolk fiction. Come on, it's a pun that makes sense. What's a pun on what?

Who could say? I... Who could say? Yeah. Perfection? Maybe? Perfection? I... Who could say? Yeah. Perfection? Maybe? Perfection?

I think yokefication makes more sense. It doesn't make sense, but it makes more sense. Yoke fiction sounds like a subgenre of these books that we're talking about. Sure. Folk fiction? Folk... Yeah. Folk...

I hope you don't mind, but I brought 11 of my friends. We're very expensive right now. See that's why you need your fairy husband with all of his money so he can buy you all these eggs. I feel like this is um this person when they're not doing memes is a is a big magician energy. Good. Yeah, big magician hands like the way the nails look and then yeah, they look very skilled. Yeah. Yeah. I was watching this with a few friends of mine recently because for some reason it was streaming on YouTube. You guys remember the masked magician series that was out in like the 2000s and it was like a Magician wearing a mask and he was revealing how he does all of his secrets and he had to wear a mask So the other magicians didn't kill him

This was like one of those sort of stunt network reality Era shows like probably on after alien autopsy shows like probably on after alien autopsy But it looks like it looks like the math magician also had a side gig and doing egg stock photography Come on that idea is purely I'm taking magic classes like next month. Are you what? Yes, what kind of magic dark?

I wish I don't think I think they just need you how to like shuffle, but it's at the Magic Castle I don't sign up you can take magic classes. Yeah. Yeah, I just really love anytime. I see someone doing magic I just think I wish I could do that and I've thought that since I was 14 This is why I love brain grant And then there was this like part of me that it was like well, I'm too old to learn me that said, I was like, well, I'm too old to learn this now. But then I was like, well, I'm not going to get younger. So I may as well. Anyway, my husband gave me magic classes for magic. Hey, oh, neat.

He knew. He knew that he was the midifier. What's the most exciting trick to you when you're dreaming of doing tricks? Is it cards? I just want to do one that I can just walk I want one that I can do and like I can just walk up and do. Coin magic then perhaps?

I guess it's, yeah, like something easy. I'm gonna get you a really nice coin for your birthday this year then. Thanks. I feel like magic, like coins and close magic, small magic, that is just the purest expression of loneliness and neurodivergent special interest hyper focus and a need to perform. I can only offer one of those three things. Like I desperately want the approval of others, for sure. But like I seek that in the world by making little jokes to people who are just trying to ring up my groceries.

Yeah, same. But I could never in a million years sit in my bedroom for four straight hours turning cards in my hand until I got it right. Never in a million billion trillion years. Do you play an instrument? Because I feel like it's similar to that. I was going to say, we are also podcasters. It's very similar processes here. The payoff is worth it. You know, you play an instrument, you practice a lot on your

own and then you show up somewhere and you're like, what are you doing? And you impress women at parties. Honestly, I have a ukulele behind me that I will be playing on the upcoming Judge John Hodgman tour. And the effort that it takes for me to practice a chord. I'm not talking about finger picking. I'm not ripping any sweet solos. I'm just talking about playing one of the 10 chords that the songs I know how to play require me to practice is so extraordinary that anyone who doesn't come to the Judge John Hodgeman tour is literally a bad person for not supporting me given how much effort I've put into learning those 12 chords. Okay, I have a theory about this because I do think this is a gendered topic because

one of my best friends, he in his loneliness took up learning hand magic during COVID and is so embarrassed by it. So I wonder if it's like guys doing magic is like a little bit like, oh, this is my embarrassing thing that I do alone, but girls doing magic is like sexy and fun. I mean, it's also like it's like the thing that every like, Johnny Carson and Steve Martin, all these guys were neurodivergent, hilarious geniuses who were desperately lonely, did not have a place to connect with others, and eventually got employed at Disneyland or whatever. You know what I mean? Like, it is such a straight path if you're a lonely adolescent in Nebraska, like Johnny Carson, that you just sit there.

And I mean, I think it is definitely the same one is that turns you into like, Yngwie Malmsteen or Steve Vai or whatever, and you can all of a sudden fucking rip sweet solos. I mean, I just want a person who want I want extra credit. You know, I want extra credit. Give me an extra essay to do, you know, and like, I would do it. I think I'm, I just, I want the extras. And also, honestly, I want to know how magic works. That's part of it. Part of it is I want to know the secrets. Brea, you could just watch the show.

It is narrated by my husband, Mitch Pileggi. No, I feel like I gotta go and do it the real way. That's beautiful. From the magicians. Straight from the magic horse's mouth. Hey, if you hear the secrets of magic directly from the magic horse's mouth, that's a momentous occasion.

And someone has called us with a momentous occasion at 2069844fun, and Gabe, who's filling in this week, doing a great job, Gabe Mara, we love him, he's going to play that now. Hey Jordan, Jesse, guest, this is Andrew in Weathersfield, Connecticut. I was just playing with my two-year-old who's beginning to string words together and he said the phrase, damn dirty ape. I'm a big Planet of the Apes fan. We've been reading a golden book of Planet of the Apes and I'm pretty surprised that his first swear word is also, you know, one of the better-known catchphrases from my favorite film franchise of all time So, so good a call and let you know gotta go put him to bed now. Thank you. Have a great day. Love you How many love you to it Jordan? How many of our listeners, or what proportion of our

listeners would you say are actively attempting to raise their own little Dana Goode? I mean, if they're good parents, then hopefully 100% of them, if they love their kids, daddy gecks? Daddy gecks? Yes. Well, I hope the listener heads over to Englishlethlet.com and comes up, there's a whole huge list of fun traces to teach his two-year-old that his two-year-old will love. Yeah, this is amazing. Let your little one know that he's your orang-u friend. That'll be his second phrase. Orang-u friend, yes. Can I give you guys, just if you wanted it,

I got some tips here for coming up with good monkey puns. Oh, OK. Is this from Englishleaflet.com? Jesse, do you run Englishleaflet.com? Is that what we're about to find out? No, I don't run it, but I work on it. Who doesn't like peanuts? I'm a cog in the Englishleaflet machine.

And I get paid peanuts and bananas. Do monkeys like peanuts? I'm a cog in the English leaflet machine. And I get paid peanuts and bananas. Do monkeys like peanuts? I don't know. I don't know. They're fucking crazy for those little salties. Here's some tips, guys. Draw inspiration from monkey features like bananas, tails, fur, tree swinging, curiosity and playfulness.

Also, look at monkey names like chimpanzee orangutan and gibbon. Blend these with ordinary words and phrases for funny words. That's actually all it takes. I would never have thought to use gibbon. Wow. Whoa! So hey, we have a new CEO of EnglishNeedFlit.com. You have officially, this is a hostile takeover. Wow.

So, can I just say, if you guys are wondering what makes a clever monkey pun, I know you guys have been, obviously, Brea, you don't have to wonder. I mean, she's married. She doesn't have to wonder. Oh, she's really married. She's just giving it away. The iron cheek is going to die in the ring. The second time, okay. You want an element of surprise and bridging an unexpected connection. So for example, these are perfect examples, calling someone the banana of my heart.

That would be very surprising, I will say. That would be surprising. You're right, it would be surprising. Or the peanut to my banana, right? Linking monkey's love of fruit to expressions of endearment. Is that what... That explains it, right? Is peanut an expression of... I mean, that's what I call my cat, but I don't think that's a common expression of endearment is a peanut. Mallory, you're the peanut to my banana. Oh, Jesse. You are the third tier humidifier in my heart. Wow. Well, you know what? I mean,

my full-time job is being an author. I feel like this is really going to improve my work. I feel so enriched and mentally nourished by all of this. I didn't realize it was so simple guys, is the thing. It's just that simple. Thank you, Englishleaflet.com. Jordan, you're just too gorilla cute. Wasn't that a fashion brand in the 2000s? Gorilla cute? Yeah, I'd go down to Wet Seal and get my gorilla cute. My flirty tops. Guys, guys, I just learned I got a new camping thing.

Oh, I'm so... I'm ready. Thank you for always providing shelter from the storm when life gets too intense. Wow. Wow. Okay. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I think you guys are going to like this pun.

You wore me up like a cozy campfire. That's really funny. That's a really funny pun. And I love the elements of surprise there. Mallory, you said something earlier about something you kind of wanted to see more of in literature and actually gave me an idea for a camping pun. Oh.

Not tonight, honey. I have menstrual camps. This is beautiful. Let's take a break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. Hey everybody, I'm Jeremy. I'm Oscar. I'm Demetri. And we are the Eurovangelists. For a weekly podcast writing the word of the Eurovision Song Contest, the most important music competition in the world.

Maybe you already heard Glen Weldon of NPR's Pop Culture Happy Hour talk up our coverage of this year's contest, but what do we talk about in the off season? The rest of Eurovision, duh. There are nearly seven decades of pop music history to cover. Mm-hmm, we've got thousands of amazing songs,

inspiring competitors, and so much drama to discuss. And let me tell you, the drama is juicy. Plus, all the gorillas and bread-baking grandmas that make Eurovision so special. Check out Eurovangelist, available everywhere you get podcasts, and you could be at Eurovangelist too. Ooh, I want to be one. You already are. It's that easy.

Oh, okay. Cool. The Greatest Generation has been going for more than eight years. I want to be one. You already are. It's that easy. Oh, OK. Cool. The Greatest Generation has been going for more than eight years. And if you've been Greatest Gen Curious but have never taken the leap, we recommend exploring your Greatest Gen Curiosity in a safe, fun environment with partners you can trust. And right now is one of the best times ever

to become a new listener. That's because we just started covering a new series Star Trek Enterprise One of the horniest and weirdest editions of Star Trek ever released This is your chance to ease into the greatest generation lifestyle the greatest generation now covering Star Trek Enterprise The one with Scott Bakula every Monday Monday on MaximumFun.org or in your podcast app. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Breanne Grant, hand magician.

Great. And I'm Mallory O'Meara, diarrhea literature appreciator. So Bria and Mallory, the new show is called Reading Smut. It is available for all of the, for all you MaxFunNuts out there at MaximumFun.org and in your favorite podcasting app. SmutNuts! Oh my gosh, Bria! Bria doesn't like that. No, thanks. On Valentine's Day. We come out on Valentine's Day. I feel as free as a leaf on trees. Also, Bria, we should probably... Oh yeah, we have a book coming out too. Talk about the book!

Well, you've been gorill-ing us about the podcast. Right, yes. Gorill-ing? We have a book journal. Gorill-ing. Gorillian. We have a book journal. Gorillian. Gorillian. That's gorillian. Do you like that? It's very good.

Yeah. We have a book journal coming out. What's a book journal? What is a book journal? Thank you for asking. It's a journal in which you, well, we wrote essays about all the things we've learned on reading glasses regarding things you should read,

when to quit a book, how to get guilt out of your reading life, how to find more time to read. And then the rest of it, there's a few essays at the front and the rest of it's just a journal for you to keep track and make notes about the books that you've read and why you liked them and things that we think help you to find books for you to read in the future. We heard you like books, so we got you a book to put your books in. Yeah. It's really the pitch for it.

And there's also some workbooks. It's about learning, learning to figure yourself out as a reader, how to find things that you really like, how to basically how to read more books that are great, how to stop reading books that aren't. And the tracking part is designed specifically for stuff that we talk on reading glasses. It's not just author and title. It's your wheelhouse. It's the doorways, it's content warnings. It's really, really tailored for reading glasses listeners. But also we made it so even if you've never heard of these two weird smut readers, you can pick it up in a bookstore. It's really beautiful. It is fountain pen friendly. It has a ribbon, which is how you know it's real literature.

Whoa, okay. I was pretty excited. Fountain pen friendly. Oh yeah, I'm a big old fountain pen slut. And it's out in early February. It's out soon. February 4th. Ooh.

And you can get signed copies through Skylight Books. Bri and I will sign them and we are doing a launch party at Skylight Books at 7pm on February 5th, which is a Wednesday. Oh my gosh, cool. Hey, congratulations, February big month for reading classes. And now we have another book coming out. Hey, congratulations, Beth. February, big month for reading glasses. Month. Yeah. And now we have another book coming out. My book is also coming. Oh yeah, so we're launching a show, we're launching our book,

and I'm launching, oh God, Bree, I'm getting a headache just thinking about all of this, and I'm launching my third adult nonfiction book. We did not plan this. There was manufacturing delays that created this vortex of reading glasses in February, but we're excited. It's going to be great. Hell yeah. Sounds like a huge month for reading glasses to me. Yeah, we're going to be having a swinging good time, let me tell you. A barrel of fun, if you might say. Can I just say to both of you, thank you for always standing tall like a sturdy shroom stem. Yeah, that's right. I just say to both of you, thank you for always standing tall like

a sturdy shroom stem. Yeah, that's right. I moved on to mushroom puns in one of mine. I'm looking at the steak ones and they're actually pretty good. I saw one labeled tentacle puns and decided not to click. Yeah, some of these are upsettingly, I think. Like, I've got a flank you'll never forget. Rarely do I see anyone as well-seasoned as you. Okay, yeah, well, if you ever need any just material for the Smut Show, you can just come here and, you know, he's got free, free material. Do you wanna be well-seasoned?

I mean, I guess you don't wanna be like unseasoned. Right, yeah. How much pepper do you think you need on there? Oh, I got a pepper grinder for you. Listen, if you want to be well seasoned, I got a grinder that really cranks in the hand. You can really give it a good crank. Is it one of those big wooden ones that they do, they have at Italian restaurants?

Oh, no. It's like black gun metal. It's very like, oh. It's pepper for men. It's pepper for men. Yeah it's like it's like black gunmetal. It's very like oh, it's For ladies Is it made by dude wipes isn't yeah, yeah, it smells like sandalwood Dude pepper, yeah dude pepper. allowed. Sorry, ladies.

You're going to have to have your stick unseasoned. What character is that? This is every announcer in 2002. In 2002, this guy told you what to buy. Yeah, it seems like he also was the announcer for like Kids Gone Wild or what not. There was a show, Kids Incorporated. Or what was it?

Those are two things you do not want to come up with. Wild and Crazy Kids, that's what I'm looking for. Wild and Crazy Kids is not called Kids Gone Wild. kids incorporated or Yeah, so hey kids you can you could do a slip and slide the fastest you'll win a Sega Genesis Yeah, what's a rabbit's favorite diet book? The Great Carrot Cookbook. It would be. That's his diet book and his pleasure book and his dessert book. That's actually rabbit smut. These rabbits are jacking off to this thing. Can I tell you guys a really fun fact about rabbits and carrots? Oh yeah. That is not smutty in the least. No, I'd love to hear something fun and not smutty. So John Wayne, the actor, was very famous for eating carrots on set and there are several Bugs Bunny episodes where he is impersonating John Wayne and eating a carrot but because the children watching it were not John Wayne fans,

a whole generation of people associated carrots with things that rabbits like to eat. Oh. Me being one. Yeah. Carrots aren't actually that good for rabbits and rabbits eat more leafy greens. But we believe that they like carrots because of Bugs Bunny and John Wayne. Mallory, that's really interesting. That's a great fact. Wait, I have another- It's not Yolk Fiction.

No. That's a Yolk fact. That's a Yolk fact. I believe that too, even though I have a friend that is a rabbit who had feet all the time. I have a recent Looney Tunes fact as well. Not recent, but I was in France with some friends and one of them was French,

and he's always like hitting on girls and be like, well, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like, you know, is he a large skunk perhaps? And I said, oh, you're like Pepe Le Pew. And he was like, I'm not like Pepe Le Pew. Pepe Le Pew is Italian. And I was like, no, what? He's French.

But if you're in France, Pepe Le Pew is a voice by an Italian man. Oh my God. They don't, he doesn't have a French accent. That's like something we think. We think French people are gonna... So in France, Italians are the Fourniest people. Right, right, right. This is blowing my mind.

I love looking at, look at the smutty racism in each different country. That's truly beautiful. Wow. I feel like we have learned so much that we could write our own third adult nonfiction. Yeah. Yeah, a lot of great book ideas in this episode. And we're just giving them away. We're just giving them away.

Gabe Marra has been producing the program. Stephen Ray Morris is our producer. You can find us on social media at Jordan Jesse Go Pod where we will be posting some of the dankest memes in world history courtesy of our new favorite website, English pamphlet.com. Leaflet. Leaflet, thank you. Jordan and I are on Instagram at jordandavidmorris at jesse Thorne, very famous. You can find us. I'm going to be out on tour. Jordan's got this SketchFest show coming up. Go to

all that. I don't know. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design, Courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Our thanks to them and our thanks to Mallory and Bria. Listen to Reading Glasses and of course, the brand new program, Reading Smut. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jessica.