Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Halloween Apples with Ophira Eisenberg

Episode Date: December 1, 2022

Ophira Eisenberg joins Jordan and Jesse to talk about the worst Halloween candy, Jesse's new rock and wine notes.Check out Ophira's podcast "Parenting Is A Joke." Ever tried Microdosing? Visit Microdose.com and use JJGO for 30% off + Free Shipping. 

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm the king of rock, Jesse Thorne. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I took a rock out of the ground today, Jordan. Oh my gosh. You would not believe this fuck- well. Am I talking to Jesse Thorne or Fred Flintstone working down

at the quarry? Thank you. I say that I took a rock out of the ground. It was me and Ruben, my neighbor. Now, I'll grant you this. He's 80 years old. So I just want to open with the fact that I found out today that Ruben is 80 years old. He looks 70 years old. Looks tremendous. What would you attribute that to? Probably his 16-ish year old child. Keeps you young. Having a teen in the house keeps you young. It's an amazing household. Ruben is the charmer of the neighborhood chats with everybody, his daughter completely silent. And his wife has one of those headsets that has a boom microphone built into it. And she just

wears it around everywhere. Cool. But very nice. So I was last week, I planted a tree with uncle Danny. That's my brother-in-law, uncle Danny. He was visiting. I bought a tree at the farmer's market. Of course, the Pasadena High School farmer's market. I put it in the ground. Beautiful, beautiful farmer's market. Oh, gorgeous farmer's market. Some wonderful trees there. I bought a tree, $65, not to brag, I paid cash. I had $65 in my pocket. He said cash. $65 out the door. Exactly. I took this tree home to Danny. He and I dug a hole in front of my house, put the tree in. The reason being that I requested trees from the city of Los Angeles and Mayor Eric Garcetti, who promised to plant 20,000 trees or whatever. But that was 18 months ago, so I just gave up. Only certain trees are legal in Los Angeles. I do not know if my tree is legal. Oh my gosh.

I just thought to myself. If you take the muffler off. Yeah. See if you get pulled over. Somebody already stole my tree's catalytic converter. When you're driving your tree, what am I talking about? So the one tree was so nice that I decided to get more trees. So I went back the next week, I bought two trees. What kind of trees? These are some kind of red plum tree, but they don't drop plums. The man at the farm, now he may have been lying to me. I don't know enough about trees to sniff out.

And the fact that it's called a plum tree seems... Yeah. But I said, does this drop anything? Does this drop fruit? And he said, no. So I'm in six months. These are decorative plums. In six months, he's going to be long gone. It's going to be a music man situation. He's going to claim he's starting a boy's band, but be out of there in 60 days once he's collected the registration fees. It's the same thing with this tree man. Hard to keep track of those farmer's market stalls. You know, the one week the hummus guy's there, the next week, where'd that hummus guy go to? Yeah, how'd this steel pan guy get the hummus guy's booth?

Tell me where he's gone, knife sharpening guy. It's bicycle powered. Cat grass guy? So this week I got cocky because- Wait, so, okay, you got these trees. If you were sitting in them, how would they work for K-I-S-S-I-N-G? Well, let me tell you this. I've already got love and marriage and guess who's in a baby carriage? Yes, that's right. You because of your baby fetish? Yeah, I guess my five-year-old. I don't know. Anyway, I got cocky, Jordan. Yeah.

I thought, well, if me and Uncle Danny can plant a tree. Cock shore, Jesse Thorne. I can plant two more trees. Just like Trigger Happy, Cassie, and Andor, but for podcasts. So yesterday I bought the trees. Yesterday I dug myself a hole you wouldn't believe. This was gorgeous plop that tree down in there it was hard work and i found that the limit for me doing hard work is 25 minutes but i did it i was very wet congratulations at the end because of the baby fetish

my pussy was absolutely dripping jordan right i was thinking about that baby carriage because of the baby fetish. My pussy was absolutely dripping, Jordan, because I was thinking about that baby carriage. It's one of those blue ones with the little roof that goes up top like the flat kind like Batman's in. Oh, NSFW. Daniel, label this podcast NSFW. So I put the first one in yesterday. Goo goo.

And I hit my work limit and i thought tomorrow i'm gonna put another tree in i'm gonna wait till tomorrow when i've regained my strength and it was going pretty well until i or my shovel found this rock this rock rocks the enemy of the ditch digger oh well this is curse you minerals jordan i don't need to tell you i mean as a you know you were resident of pasadena california you know a little something about the arroyo seiko oh yeah don't yeah yeah yeah the less said the better yeah because i don't know a lot about it so i don't want to talk about it because i won't be able to contribute anything suffice it to say jordan yeah this river brought

a lot of rocks to the dirt near my house okay this thing was bringing rocks all over every every which away this thing's bringing in rocks and most of these rocks are medium rocks and small rocks which i can handle right you're a medium man i got to this rock where it counts i mean it's a fair characterization jordan medium yeah i'm right in that kind of like 40th to 60th percentile range i'm a 20th percentile rock digger outer though i can't even find the fucking outside of this rock meanwhile ruben wanders by right and he's telling me about his upholstery business this guy's in the line of work carpet and upholstery great still working 80 years old still working he's got a crew they get out there they he's got some very nice

wool runner that he can put on my stairs at any time. He's letting me know. Okay. Well, that's great to have next door. So he's telling me about his upholstery. I'm trying to find the goddamn edges of this fucking rock. Meanwhile, I've got a bargain basement spade. My shovel is a cheap shovel. I bought, I cheaped out at the big box hardware store. I bought a cheap shovel and it keeps making. There's your first mistake. Is that a guy who's never owned a shovel? It keeps making.

That's your first mistake. Yeah, you're like, yeah. It keeps making a sound that sort of is like, I would call it like a big storm and master and commander sound. You know, not the wind, but the boat. You know how the boat makes that sound? Right, yes.

And you're like, oh, fuck, oh, fuck, they're going to lose the mizzenmast. Yeah, it's all over once you lose that mizzenmast. Says the guy who doesn't know what a mizzenmast is. Hey, Jordan, you lose that mizzenmast says a guy who doesn't know what a mizzenmast is hey jordan let's get up to the poop deck i'll explain i'm not going up to the poop deck with you anymore fool me once fool me once mr thorne that's where i keep the baby carriage yeah yeah yeah that's why i'm not going up there so i can't even find the fucking edges of this rock yeah i mean have you stopped did you at all did you stop to consider like this is you know dinosaur bones this is treasure this

is oil i don't know why you would mistake oil for a rock but you know i'm just thinking of like you know fun things you could find while digging jordan would you say that you treasure a giant rock because if you do in that case it was fucking treasure yes i do because it comes from the earth that everything that comes from mother is beautiful i treasure mother's gifts whether they be rocks or bees i was just saying that my baby carriage the other day so gross dude so I'm trying to find just find the edges of this that's all I want

I just want to know where the rock is because I've only found half the rock so I keep having to make this hole bigger and bigger I'm trying to dig so you've only found half the rock so you don't know if Nicolas Cage gets off alcatraz or not exactly and finally uh ruben he's been chatting to me about river rock and upholstery right and ruben says you want me to get my pick

and i'm like you gotta pick this whole yeah of course I want the pick I don't know exactly what he's gonna bring well dudes are always do I know exactly what a pick is no I think it's a pick axe that's what I would assume because you're dealing with rocks but you know could be could be a water pick could be he's had it over there I'm thinking am I gonna break this rock up and i'm consumed by two things excitement and fear yeah my excitement is that i'd love to break a rock sounds awesome yeah like i was fucking sam cook on a chain gang number two i'm terrified that what's gonna happen is i'm gonna swing as hard as i can at this rock. It's just going to go plink. And then it's going to like vibrate me like a cartoon character.

I'm just going to go and then collapse. You're pretty funny though. It would be pretty funny. For anybody watching. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, Ruben would think it was pretty funny. I think he already thought I was pretty funny because I was having so much trouble.

pretty funny. I think he already thought I was pretty funny because I was having so much trouble. He was pretty funny also when you tried to convince Elmer Fudd that it was duck season when it was really rabbit season. That's true. I got to tell you this, Jordan. I'm having a lot of trouble with ducks whose bill goes from the front to the back. Oh, yeah. Tell me about it. Yeah, they can get worked up pretty easy, too. So he goes and gets two iron sticks with, like, little crowbar noses, but these things are, like, five fucking feet long. Like, truly five feet long, 60 pounds apiece. I can't even picture what you're talking about.

If you imagine two shafts, imagine two medium shafts. Okay, sure. This is like when we went into that fun house. Like 40th to 60th percentile. So two long steel or iron shafts. They're hexagonal in shape, not quite cylindrical. And at the end, they have the same kind of like scooper thing that a crowbar has you know a little flat part there's a flat part at the end like an ice cream tester spoon or something you know what i mean like a shallow flat part

and i fucking me and ruben ruben helped me out because he's very strong for an 80-year-old man. I got it. If I'm this strong when I'm 80, fucking give me an award for old strength. So we're working on this rock. Jesse, that's already gone to Dame Judi Dench. Excellent. She does have. It's not just physical strength, mind you, but the strength to inspire us.

Yes. The Madeline Albright Award for old strength goes to. We're fucking working on this thing. And the moment that it popped out of the ground, the moment that the two of us crowbarring together, essentially hanging off of the end of the crowbar, Archimedes style, give me a lever long enough and I shall move the earth. The moment it popped out there, it was like

peeing after a five hour road trip combined with Dr. dr pimple popper combined with a prostate orgasm okay just all all at the same time the satisfaction of popping that fucking rock oh my gosh and then i had to lift it out and i truly, I truly thought I might not be able to lift it. You did, you lifted. I didn't quite lift. I like rolled it up the hill while Ruben said, watch your fingers, watch your fingers, watch your fingers, buddy.

Yeah, that's just good advice. I got this rock out. So you got the rock out, planted the tree. Took a picture of the rock out, planted the tree. Took a picture of the rock and, you know, wrote on Twitter, here's this giant fucking rock that I just pulled out of the ground. Right. With my neighbor, Ruben, who's 80 years old.

It was the greatest achievement of both of our lives. Somebody tweeted at me, what a pretty rock. I fucking hate this rock. Oh gosh well yeah read the read the room fucking 40 minutes i spent twitter person getting this rock out of the ground she says that's a pretty rock i mean this might be prettiest that you can't objectively i guess you're too too close to the situation but can i see the rock can you put it in the chat look i'll i'm gonna text you i'm gonna text you the rock text me the rock okay yeah i want to see i'm gonna text you rock okay so i'm sending this oh fear i don't have your phone number or i would text it to you so i'm just

gonna text it to jordan here and what you'll see here fear has it oh fear has got the rock okay so i'm texting it to you here jordan oh wow oh oh oh oh that's a rock we love to rock yeah i agree with i agree with twitter our guest on the program is a stand-up comic the host of the brand new podcast parenting is a joke good friend of ours joining us all the way from brooklyn new york city is Ophira Eisenberg. Hi, Ophira. That is one gorgeous rock. No, it is not. I mean, look, just because someone is pretty on the outside doesn't mean they're pretty on the inside. Okay. You know what I appreciate about your photo though of it that people can see on Twitter is that we see a car tire in the background. So we get a good sense

of scale. Yeah. Ooh, it's a ch of scale. Ooh, it's a chonker. Ooh, it's a chonker. There's also a rosemary bush. Oh. There's a lot of rosemary in Los Angeles. It grows well here, and it's good for red meat. And you can tell that rock was deep because it's so, it's like seeped in water. Yeah.

Right? It's like a dark color from being under the earth. It's got a's seeped in water. Yeah. Right? It's like a dark color from being under the earth. It's got a full dirt covering. It's got a full dirt layer. Have you thought about mounting it in the house somewhere just like as a sign of your conquest? I feel like just taking it out of the hole and putting it next to the rosemary bush, I essentially created an earthwork.

Like spiral jetty beautiful art humor what we're doing here dick stuff and art humor this is something i was wanting to ask you jesse but also you fira i always like now we're smack dab up in the guts of November. Spooky season is long past. November is 40 to 60% over. Yeah. It's a medium month. It's a long month. It's not a wide month. Anyway, whatever. I always love hearing from people with kids about kid Halloween. And I, as a childless man, I don't get to experience the joys of child Halloween. I did have trick-or-treaters this year. Oh, nice. I was going to say, did you participate?

Yeah, I had a bowl of candy and Reese's pumpkins. And you had one for the trick-or-treaters, am I right? Oh, that didn't track for me. Can you, I, for some reason I. Oh, because you ate a bowl of candy and then the trick-or-treaters. Oh. You had one to pass out to. I was like, is this about my dick?

What are we? I mean, usually. Always, yes and. Okay, yes and. I mean, usually. Always. Yes, and. Okay. Yes, and. That's, yes. That's just a fun, wholesome joke about how I love candy. Yeah.

Everyone can enjoy that. Bring the kids round to the podcast for a joke about candy. Yeah, and I did have some too old to be trick-or-treating teens come with empty ass grocery bags they had not been to one house or they had emptied their bags and they came and they grabbed big handfuls of candy and then i now i was afraid of them i thought they shouldn't be doing it but i didn't say anything were they dressed up no no costumes just teens no these are these are street clothes teens with shopping bags and they came and they fucking smash and grabbed my candy bowl you were robbed that was an halloween yeah maybe i was i'm glad they only took the candy i guess right jordan is it possible that these were kids in really good local teen costumes yeah like the archie gang were they the archie gang yeah you know now that

now that you mention it there was one guy in a crown who loved burgers and a red-headed fella who couldn't stop getting laid no matter how hard he tried and he drove a jalopy a little jalopy going from house to house and they were in a band with a dog but you know that was my like halloween experience getting really really just humiliated by these local teens but yeah i want to hear what everybody with kids did with kids i have just the one child so i defer to the most children. Yeah, most children goes first. I mean, it's a horrible nightmare. There have been in my life times when it went well, I think.

But, you know, I have three neurodivergent children. And it is not a holiday that is chill for any child. But for a child who might at any moment bolt because there's too much noise, it's the combination of the intense passion for candy gathering right although to be fair my five-year-old doesn't like candy really but still they all want to gather the candy at the very least they want to hoard combined with like the noise we went to highland, a local neighborhood here, and it was too dark on the street. People were driving too fast. Look, if you're on a trick or treat street and it's Halloween and you're driving in a car, maybe take a left and then a right. You know what I mean?

Go down a parallel street. I mean, at the end of the day, go down a, you know, just take York, you know? So anyway, the moral of the story is all three children completely out of their gourds, freaking the fuck out. We're pulling up to the parking lot. What's everyone dressed as while they're freaking out. I like that Jordan's trying to make, he's like, okay, back to the fun part. What's the costumes? What are their costumes? Let's imagine you want to paint a clear picture of the freakout. We had a scream bad guy, ghost face killer. I was wearing my fox hat.

And then we had a- So you were Tails, you were Sonic's friend, Tails. Yeah. I think he's an echidna, isn't he? It's Knuckles. Knuckles is an echidna. Yeah, Tails is a fox. Okay.

So what about Star Fox? What's he? He's an echidna. Okay. So we had a... You just have to look and see if it's laying eggs. We had Ghostface Killer from Scream. I would have strongly

preferred to be frank ghost face killer from the wu-tang clan with that giant eagle halberd that he wears is a halberd that wrist protector just have some more kids and you can have a family costume as the wu-tang clan which you know what i'd probably just end up being inspected deck they'd be like dad you can be inspected deck and i'll be like i can't be the rizzo or something Oh, man. Which, you know what? I'd probably just end up being Inspector Deck. They'd be like, Dad, you can be Inspector Deck. And I'll be like, I can't be the RZA or something? They're like, Inspector Deck. Don't embarrass me, Dad.

So we had a ghost face killer. My son Oscar was a squid in a tuxedo. That is awesome. Yeah, that rules. In so many ways. And how did that, do you know how that yeah how does a kid want how does a kid come to want to be that uh eccentric okay i would say in a word eccentric child i think originally he was going to be a fish in a tuxedo but we couldn't find the right fish hat. Okay. So he ended up wearing like a hat of a squid they bought on a popular e-commerce website. And then he wore a little suit. And then.

I love that costume. I want to be that. Yeah, that rules. I mean, seriously, that's amazing. My youngest was a very, like a very dangerous cat. It's like little cat ears you know and then just blood and then ar-15 just some anti-tank missiles yeah a decommissioned grenade ophira what did you do with yeah what would you do with your kid I mean no mine is so

ridiculously non-creative compared to like a formal cuttlefish we that is amazing my son wanted to be sonic hey classic sonic the hedgehog speaking of echidnas yes so and then my husband bought himself immediately the evil dude eggman's costume so he could be the evil guy and then my son told me that i could dress up as one of the girl characters from sonic okay if we you are unfamiliar i didn't know this there are three very like just a couple lines every like 900 comics uh girl characters and their names are vanilla cream and amy i searched kind of gave up there at a certain point hazelnut or mocha non-dairy creamers is the theme initially yeah yeah i searched there you know the rat ones are two of them are rabbits i believe and uh i'm not i'm not really sure they're certainly

fucking like them exactly and they are dressing like them on certain fan on certain fan websites well that's the thing you can't find a costume of these characters. It's not something that you would just go on Amazon or Halloween, whatever. You either make it through some suggestions, or you can buy the cosplay version for 80 bucks, which is inappropriate, I'm just going to say. inappropriate. I'm just going to say inappropriate for trick-or-treating. I mean, that's not always true because sometimes I see some parents with their kid and I'm just like, all right, well, this is your day too. It's just, it's not for me. I'm not going to slut it up. Horny family trick-or-treating is pretty intense. They're like, well, Amy is a rabbit and rabbits don't cover their snatch so yeah that orange skirt has to reach just to the very bottom of the lip uh see not safe for kids i did it for you a bol skirt is what they call that, the fashion biz. But similarly, like we went around Brooklyn,

it was very chaotic. I felt like people were compensating for last year, it not really happening. So it was a little extra exuberant. They blocked off one large street here. So we're like, let's go there. Because also, you know, I get nervous about my kid is six, about running on the street, because they get so excited. And I was stupid, too. I'm a little new to this. And I have a very like, oh, I don't know what battles I should fight. So within one candy getting, my son was like, can I eat some of it?

And I was like, yeah, sure. Mistake, by the way. That's a day one mistake right there. Wow. You don't do that. You don't do that. What happened? Were there consequences? Well, no, he's just already like he's bouncing off the mistake right there. Wow. You don't do that. You don't do that. What happened? Were there consequences?

Well, no, he's just already like, he's bouncing off the cement asphalt anyways. And then, yeah, he's just like downing. And we went right after school. So there was no food. He's like, you can have one candy. He's like, I'm going to have a packet of Fun Dip. You're going to have one candy. Fine. I'm having a five hour energy exactly that's candy for truckers it was a a good house gives out full monsters right yeah

so i mean that was the other thing i felt instead of just going like here grab one thing people were just taking like your give like you did to your teenagers. It's an epidemic. They were just shoving handfuls. It's an epidemic. Candies at these kids. So it was a lot and it was chaotic and it ended in a fight, some tears and being dragged home. Was it a, what kind of fight?

Like a, was it an open ring, ring a cage because we ran into another kid we ran into some other kids we knew and then one of them dropped their candy and then someone else yelled get it and then they all piled oh my gosh get it holy shit and we were all like there's enough candy for everyone there's enough candy for everyone there was like so much candy and then you know one of them's like they took my candy candy. That's like, no, I know. None of them have had dinner and they've all been like eating candy. And it was, yeah. Everyone's running for the same exit. Children are getting trampled. It's a horror scene. The bulls are everywhere.

So it was crazy. But I feel like if he was just a little older, we'll see how it goes. Maybe this is just how it always will be. But I felt like if he was just a little older, we'll see how it goes. Maybe this is just how it always will be. But I felt like if he was just a little older, we would have been able to contain the chaos instead of it just turning into like meltdown territory. My five-year-old had a really interesting attitude about this. Frankie does not like gummy candy candy does not really like chocolate really marshmallows pass the test but that's about it on that front so every house it was wandering up to the door looking at the candy looking at the people and saying, oh, decusting.

Oh, boy. Cunning around and weaving. There's like an age where that's cute and funny, I think. Yeah. So cute. And, you know, it had delivery. Delivery probably has something to do with it, too. Yeah.

Right on the edge, but the speech delay really did sell it. You know, if this was a standard speech five-year-old who could really enunciate all the sounds in the word disgusting, it would have just been Frankie being a dick. But with the added element of, ugh, decusting. This is decusting. I would rather have Paschetti. And then everybody laughs.

Uh-oh. Everybody laughs. Uh-oh. Everybody laughs. I want fruit. I wanted a toothbrush. And a weird Bible comic. By the way, did you guys, when you trick-or-treated as kids, did you have the one house that gave you a toothbrush? Because we did. Oh, yeah.

Sure. Oh, yeah. Okay. So what are the Buzzkill house treats? So toothbrush. Raisins yeah. Okay. So what are the Buzzkill House treats? So toothbrush. Raisins. Raisins. Raisins is much worse than toothbrush to me.

Because raisins hold the promise of candy, but they're garbage. Yeah. Maybe you kind of think they're candy when they're going into the bag. Maybe when you're kind of rooting through the bag, you're like, oh, what's this? Are these dots? No, they're not dots. Yeah. Right.

Imagine a candy worse than dots yeah let me put it that way like notably worse than dots i think those necco wafers is that's garbage oh yeah although i like i you know i'm a big texture head and i do like the texture of the necco i i will admit that they are like gross tasting, but as far as a textural experience for one's mouth, ooh, I kind of like it. I think a lot of people who like Necco wafers, it's just kind of a nostalgia thing.

Like it's a classic nostalgia candy. Like you are probably thinking about all the good times you had eating classroom chalk. Uh-huh. Well, which is edible, by the way. It is edible. Like you are probably thinking about all the good times you had eating classroom chalk. Which is edible, by the way. It is edible. Non-toxic. Tests have been conducted.

They gave us a sleeve of Necco's in the war. I mean, I love people talk shit about Smarties. I'd eat Smarties all day. I love Smarties. Yeah, Smarties all day. I love Smarties. Yeah, Smarties are okay. So anytime you say Smarties, I think Canadian Smarties, which are basically kind of flatter, saucer-shaped American M&Ms. Yeah. And I get excited.

Oh, those are good. Those are delicious. But yeah, whatever you guys call Smarties, it's also garbage. Sorry. Canadian Smarties are basically carob chips. That's my position. They have a little bit of health care in every single one. Right. Yeah, exactly. The government issues you your Smarties and everyone is healthy.

You are so happy to have them. Thank you, Justin Trudeau. But I love, I love savory. So if there's that, I mean, it's like one in a million gives you pretzels. Or a can of chili. A can of stag chili. A can of baked can of baked beans i'd be like well thank you just dumping it in with a big slotted spoon yeah who wants ranch style i got i feel like i i bring this up sometimes for people being nostalgic about halloween but i and and this is maybe just my street growing up but we had someone who would give us a little plastic easter egg filled with

pennies oh anybody else do that really yeah that was my kind of weird buzzkill thing although maybe i you know need to learn to be better with money we had uh unicef but i don't was it unicef i think unicef was already trans but anyways that we would ask people to put pennies in our boxes and we turn them into school and they would donate oh yeah sure i remember that but i don't remember anyone giving maybe these people were were lifting the unicef pennies filtering them through the kids it was a scam somehow they went to a fountain the day before halloween and just went to a fountain the day before Halloween and just cleaned it up. Went to a mall fountain.

There was a guy on my block who would give out tube socks full of nickels. Just in case you went to prison and needed to fight. You know this guy, Jimmy Two Times? Yeah. Cool guy. Very cool guy. And then once in a while, once in in a while you would get a weird bible comic that would oh wow yeah you would get like you know chick tracks yeah you know chick tracks

there are these we love attract yeah yeah jack t chicked was this insane man who was a pretty talented artist who drew these little comics about what would send you to hell and you know you would get them yeah just like they would like churches would pass them out at places where like kids would be and once in a while i think you if there was a couple neighbors who would give you you know a little comic book about how homosexual discos would send you to hell i've i've never seen these now i gotta check them out i do remember just speaking of archie comics yeah the archie bible comics do you remember the there was like a slight alteration in archie where oh you guys remember that bazooka joe arc where he died on the cross for our sins that's right we've been getting into bazooka Joes again right here in this household because it turns out the place down the street carries them.

And I grew up in a grocery store, so we used to sell penny candy. And I remember bazookas were five cents. The guy down the corner, 25 cents. I feel like that is okay inflation. Yeah, that is pretty good. Because if he said a dollar, I'd be like, come on now. inflation yeah really yeah that is pretty reasonable yeah because if you said a dollar i'd be like come on now so the cartoons in them little comic strips are the same ones from like whatever 1963 or whatever because it's they're all the same we addressed this recently on the

program many of them written by rl stein oh my gosh true real and true fact that i learned from rl stein so there's not like modern bazooka Joes where he's saying like hard pass. Hard pass, Mort. Pesky, that's the main one. Pesky. Yeah, Pesky's the kid. It's like, hey, Pesky, why don't you want to go steady with Carol? So adorable.

She's a VSCO girl. She's a visco girl she's a thought so great i also there i remember one there was one house always the same house right on the corner that gave you tiny whatever those are like 250 milliliters anyways metric what am i even talking about the little tiny containers of chocolate milk oh like little cartons little cart were they refrigerated ish i don't really remember in canada milk comes in a bag on a shelf or something that's only in that's only in ontario okay we did not have that Crazy old Ontario. Only in the capital region do you get to. I mean, maybe Quebec too. I don't know. But I didn't know about the bag thing until I moved out east. And then I was like, you have to buy a thing to put in your bag? Like, I just thought

that was a scam. Right now I have to buy another thing to put your bag of milk in. Come on. That's too many steps to get milk. Right. Apparently, in St. Louis, you have to make a joke to get candy. I learned this on Judge John Hodgman. Oh. There's like a tradition. I mean, it's cultural.

Like, Jordan, you in Orange County, they're giving out Chick tracts. In San Francisco, you know, they'd give us the Little Red Book or The Fire Next Time by James Baldwin. Anarchist Cookbook. Yeah, exactly. The Whole Earth Catalog. How to Cook Roadkill. It's changed a lot. It was the 90s. It's very different now.

They'd just give us Jello Biafra. The man. Trick or treat. I ran for mayor, remember? And I will say in Calgary, you have two possibilities when you ring a doorbell. You can say trick or treat, or you can say, and I know from other people, this is totally regional. You can say Halloween apples, and that's the exact tune. So if you talk to anyone from Alberta or Manitoba.

Hooray for Canada, king of countries. That wins most Canadian shit of all time. That is like a Mountie covered in syrup, Jesus Christ. Halloween apples. Oh, you Halloween apples oh you nailed it you guys want to get a couple Halloween apples and come back for some more we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jessica

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Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. You know what? Our thanks to the members of the Members of Maximum Fun for keeping the members of Maximum Fun feeling good out there. Thank you to all the genitalia out there. Yeah. Way to both create life and create great vibes. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. You're speaking my language.

English. Ooh, I love English. Ooh, talk to me in English. Also, this show is sponsored by BetterHelp. We are big therapy advocates here on Jordan, Jesse, Go. And I'm not talking about occupational therapy. Although we don't have anything against that. Yeah, if you need to learn to hold a pencil more effectively, for example,

or, you know, OT would be great for you. And PT is great. Physical therapy. Yeah, sure. If you had an injury. Yeah. You're just working through something. But we're talking about, of course, cognitive behavioral therapy.

CBT. CBT. Yes. We're both big therapy fans. We've been doing it for years. Maybe it's something you've been curious about trying. Perhaps the feelings around the holidays are making you consider trying therapy. Maybe you're thinking even about spelling holidays, H-O-L-I-D-A-Z-E. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. These can be very stressful times. And if that is something that you're feeling, heck, even if it's not, we think giving therapy

a shot is one of the best things you can do for yourself. A lot of great ways to get therapy. You can hit up a community clinic. You can ask your doctor for recs. Or you can go over to BetterHelp. They are the world's largest therapy service. They have matched over 3 million people with professionally licensed and vetted therapists available 100% online. Plus, it's affordable.

Just fill out a brief questionnaire to match with a therapist. If things aren't clicking, you can easily switch to a new therapist anytime. Couldn't be simpler. No waiting rooms, no traffic, no endless searching for the right therapist. Learn more and save 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com slash jjgo. That's better h-e-l-p dot com slash jjgo. We're also supported this week by the folks at Lumi Labs. They're the microdose folks, Jordan. They're the microdose folks, Jordan. Ooh, Jesse, I love those LumiLabs gummies. I love the right amount of THC that they got in there.

It's an entry-level dose. If you've had a tough time with other edibles, LumiLabs microdose gummies are definitely something you should check out. They taste really good, and they give you that nice little hit of TLC that will help you feel better and sleep great. If my experience is any indication. Me too. I'll chew one of those before bed once in a while. Chew it before bed.

Like that. Yeah. Chew it. Get under them covies. Have yourself a nice little night's sleep. Can I suggest something, Jordan? Sure. Make sure to keep your tootsies warm. Oh, you got to keep the tootsies warm. If you're somewhere cold, I say chew the microdose gummy, get under the covies,

and think about a pair of cozy thick woolen socks to keep your tootsies warm. It'll feel good. Microdose is available nationwide. To learn more about microdosing THC, go to microdose.com and use code JJGO to get free shipping and 30% off your first order. Links can be found in the show description. But again, that's microdose.com, code JJGO. Oh, here's something exciting, Jordan. This is very exciting.

You know about maxfundstore.com. That's where our merchandise lives. But there's an all new maxfundstore.com. And there are some fucking tremendous Jordan Jesse Go merchandise in there. Yes, that's right. There's new Jordan Jesse Go merchandise just in time for the holiday season. Yeah, these are some of the coolest t-shirts that we've ever had. First, we've got the nickname Hall of Fame t-shirt. It says, Radio Sweetheart, Boy Detective, and three of the greatest guest nicknames we've ever had on the show, Repeat, Clankety Car, and that's right, Explodo. Probably the greatest of all time from acclaimed novelist and public radio host Kurt Anderson. There's one great shirt. We got another new one for you.

It's the Saying Words t-shirt. It's in a beautiful calligraphy font, and it lets everybody know that you love podcasts that are made up of saying words, much like this one. They're really nice, soft shirts, and they were all designed by our very own producer emeritus, Brian Saniti-Fernandez. Yeah, you got a variety of colors and sizes. They're made of 100% combed and ring spun pre-shrunk cotton. Ooh la la.

Yeah, we comb it out. You know how we do. We comb out the cotton. You know it. You know the cotton's combed. It seems weird that they're making us do the combing though. Hey, you know what? That's how much we love our fans.

I never should have gotten involved with rumble stiltskin i'll tell you that much oh yeah that guy's bad news that's why they call him the original fuck boy that is what they call rumble stiltskin the evil tiny sorcerer of legend. The original fuck boy. Maxfundstore.com. You can search by show. This one, of course, is Jordan Jesse Go. Get yourself a nickname shirt. Get yourself a saying word shirt. Maybe grab one for that Jordan Jesse Go fan in your life who needs a holiday gift. Maxfundstore.com. I'm going to be December 17th at the South Pasadena Vintage Flea Market. So everybody should come by. If you're in Southern California, stop by, put this on shop. You can

meet my tiny van and buy some crap for me from your holiday gifts. There's also lots of like, there's like food trucks and many vintage vendors. And it's a really nice, really nice flea market, free to get in. It's right there by Mission Street in South Pasadena. I think people should go. And if you can't make it in real life, put this on shop.com for a holiday gift. Just saying. Just saying. I'm available.

You know what I mean? I'll be there. Probably wear some ridiculous shit. Last time I wore cowboy shit. Cool. What shit are you thinking for this time? I mean, my first thought is double cowboy shit, but that's probably just because I was thinking about cowboy shit already yeah and maybe i'll dress up as a dinosaur i don't know hey anything's possible what do dinosaurs wear like knee pads elbow pads totally radical

garb and a skateboard oh you're thinking of well one particular dinosaur of course talking about denver yeah the last dinosaur yeah well there's a new last dinosaur in town it's jesse wow so you took out denver huh yeah fucking screwed that silencer onto my gun wow fucking shot him in a snowy field so his blood ran across the snow two pops one to the chest one to the dome okay that's it. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse go. It's Jordan, Jesse go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart, Jordan Morris boy, detective. And I'm Ophira Eisberg, also known as Jasmine Von Brunswick. Now we're talking.

Bowling heiress. You're familiar. You're familiar with the legacy. Actually, I will tell you that what was my, I used to use that name all the time when I was going to bars, when I was 16, 17, 18, underage. Based on that little... I mean, my real name is Ophira Eisberg. My fake name was the combination of my middle name and my mother's maiden name, Jasmine Von Brunswick.

I think we can agree. My fake name is weirder. When you said that, five of our listeners all shouted at their phones hey she stole my burlesque name and then our other three listeners were like is she part of my Austrian singing family she's the one that plays the lute Ophira I should say I can we get a review of that nice cab that you took down during the first segment? Oh, let me tell you. Yeah, let's hear it. The really nice one?

Yes. So I would say it had a mouthfeel that was sort of, it was round. It had a rounder mouthfeel than I expected, but the salinity took it out of the sides of your tongue, but kept it right on the tip. And there was a lot of blackberries, a little bit of baby powder, I would say coastal seagrass. And I would pair it with, I would use it to power a Vespa. Wow. I love a saline wine, when i'm putting putting in or taking out my contact lenses okay that was the classiest shit that's ever been on this show way to go i've always uh i've always loved the way i love i mean i've never been a wine star because a just not my world and i don't have the palate even even if I wanted to, but I love hearing that stuff. I just, it's like, yeah, it's like poetry, ridiculous poetry.

I went to Costco this week, which is just a quarterly bacchanalia of consumerism for me. I just go completely, I go infrequently, I just go completely ape shit when I'm there, like strapping shit to the roof of my car and everything. And my favorite part of it is the wine section, because sometimes the wine man will be hanging around there. There is a Costco wine man. Sometimes he'll be there. And I don't drink, but my wife does. And I just love to fucking hear about those notes and think, God, Teresa would love these notes. I love it so much. You know, just speaking of St. Louis, I remember it was there a lot, a while ago before the pandemic, but I was there with the

moth and we went to like some kind of fancy place and it had a cocktail menu just with cocktails. I did not look at what, like one ingredient. I did not understand any of the ingredients, you know, those, those cocktail menus were just like, what is like velvet azaria like i don't even know what we're talking about and so i asked someone i was like i think i'll have this one plastic soldier is that an herb or are they just gonna drop in one of those little green guys and so i asked what one of them tasted like and i got this like the mouth feel and the like about a cocktail and that it's drier but it makes you feel like this like just all a garble of words that i was just like i i don't have no fine yeah i'll you know what i have 29 to burn let's have that cocktail and then they

stood nearby while i sipped it because they were all excited that I ordered this one. And Dr. Pepper. That's what it tasted like. Sounds pretty good. Sounds great to me. Yeah, that sounds great. I know.

I was actually happy. I was like, this is a boozy Dr. Pepper. I'm 100% on board for that. I ordered a... I was like, look, it's just my lifestyle. But I was out to dinner with the great josh lindgren from the creative artists agency beautiful wife and we went to a fancy restaurant and i ordered a thing with those notes you know like i didn't say what it was on the menu it just said a weird

name of a thing and but it was under non-alcoholic. And I'll order anything in a fancy non-alcoholic thing. I'll order literally anything. Yeah, mocktails are hot. I feel like all those types of restaurants have the little kind of herbal spritzer section of the menu now. It was some kind of spritzer, and I ordered it. It came in a can, and can and honestly had fucking spectacular notes. The notes on this thing, just out to here, just gorgeous notes, just big full notes. 60% would you say?

I would say 60th to 80th percentile of these notes. Wow. In this little can. God, I got to get some get some more i gotta get some of these little cans because a nice thin can these were it was gorgeous cans absolutely gorgeous cans so i know they've really uh taken their tin game up a notch loved loved it because previously if you didn't drink you had to like ask for a bitters and soda or something like that. And you run the risk that they're going to get mad at you and put so much bitters in that it's undrinkable.

It's happened to me more than once. A couple times. Yeah. I've gone to a place in Manhattan where they do the thing. They'll make you whatever non-alcoholic elixir you want, and they basically go, what do you like? What do you like? We'll make it. And so I said, I like the taste of a meadow.

Wow, that's a fucking power move. Oh, yeah, they put something together, and at the very end, they took a basil leaf, put it between their hands, and slapped it as it slid into my glass it like a violent move on a basil leaf enjoy your meadow motherfucker you gotta be rough with them or they don't get it you know you gotta i loved it i loved all of the performance art that went around that 900 dollar juice when something when something what if they just got out a jug of motz and said suck on this asshole here's your meadow threw a halls in it like here you go just drink and leave like yeah this is uh fucking um sunny delight and vapo rub so when something momentous happens to you like you get the perfect mocktail give us a

call at 206-984-4FUN or just send us a voice memo jjgoe at maximumfun.org. Here is a momentous occasion. Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. Hi, guest. I want to say John Cena. This is Adam from Maryland, formerly Adam from Taipei. And I just had a momentous occasion I wanted to share with you all, which is that I was just crossing the street and a car turning right turned in front of me. I looked up and I made eye contact with the driver and the passenger to, I want to say, college-age gentlemen. And then I noticed the giant, floppy, realistic-looking dildo suction cup to the inside of the passenger window. I tried to give them a thumbs up. That's amazing. This is a momentous occasion for me

uh so if you guys are listening uh i hope you saw my thumbs up and uh bye love you mike cena mike cena john cena oh did i say mike cena john's brother is really the one with the dildos they're trying to do a hamsworth thing you know know? Yeah, just kind of shuffle in various cenas. Because John can't be in everything. That's right. He can't see all those kids. John's not going to be in Westworld, but Mike might. Yeah.

Mike might be in Westworld. Ophira, we also on this program are incredibly creative and come up with ideas for segments that people love all the time true none of this true uh we work really hard on the show it's we don't just take a rock out of the ground and think i can do 45 minutes on that no you're right that that rock is from 2007 we finally saw how this was playing out yeah we're playing a long game on this yeah damien lindelof writes this show he plants little seeds and it's not gonna pay off for a couple of seasons but that rock i'm gonna bring that rock story to you and dan

kennedy we're gonna we're gonna polish it up're going to put it in the old Tumblr. Figure out what the reflection at the end is going to be. And then it's going to be me headed to Calgary with the moth or whatever. I see a smoky quartz in your future. Anyway, we think of a lot of great segments. This definitely isn't just people who wanted to tell us about something and then gave it a segment name it's people calling in for shit we thought of go ahead and press play daniel hey jordan hey jesse hey guess i'm gonna say nick weiger's lovely wife natalie close this is scott in north carolina calling for your popular segment rap related license plates i saw i am currently behind a van that has the license plate Wu-Tang van.

And I thought that was pretty great, honestly. I kind of wish that I had a van with that license plate. Anyways, love the show. Love you guys. Stay cool. Heart of the Rock, wet as a river. Bye-bye.

That was YouD's van. He uses it to do floral deliveries. Do his job now. He's got to have a side hustle. Wu-Tang Dan? Wu-Tang Dan? Wu-Tang Van, I believe. Wu-Tang Van!

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's pretty smart. That guy, what came first in that? The love, the Wu-Tang, or the van? That's what I want to know. Was that something that you write down when you're 14 and you're like, one day, one day I'm going to get a van, my friends. Yeah. Which came first, the idea for the plate or the van? That's right.

Is this guy driving a car that is too big for him because he thought of this? Admittedly, pretty good pun. Not bad. Not bad. It because he thought of this. Admittedly, pretty good pun. Not bad. Not bad. It's a lot of fun. I was driving today and I was like, what is that? Because sometimes you see the vanity plates and you're like, what? And it was potdar.

P-O-T-D-A-R. Is that like gaydar? I was wondering, but for pot? For weed? You sense when somebody's got weed man got excellent pot yeah i was like that is that is a little uh well antiquated right like now it's just like how do you get to the dispensary like both of these license plates just make me wish i was fun.

Like fun to hang out with. It would be fun to be fun. Yeah, it would be nice to be fun. My license plate just says DMV fan. Number one. You couldn't just get DMV fan. You had to get number one. I had to get number one. Yeah, there's another DMV fan out there.

My AOL email address was dmv fan 14 right it just was late to the aol thing later than i wanted you gotta squat on that aol address my license plate says a slash s slash l i was trying to get a compu serve email address just for fun because i thought it'd be fun to start emailing people from that yeah you know just just to see what would happen. That would be like a cool move. Like, once in a while, you'll get an email from someone with an AOL address. And I'm always intrigued. I'm like, hey, this is, what's that like? I don't know. It's great. I mean, you know, I think maybe it has the quality of someone who like owns a typewriter you know you're like all right okay but right but i don't know there's something about it that that i think is pretty cool i think the

good part of a compu serve email address specifically is that if i remember correctly it was just a long string of numbers that's what i remember too it was like four seven nine eight six two four five at compuserve.net or whatever. Could we still get a Yahoo address? Yeah, for sure. Hotmail? Oh, could we still get a Hotmail? We should find the most antiquated email address that we can possibly get.

That's possible to still get. And open it up to a certain kind of email. I'm workshopping this right now. I don't have a good answer. I'll tell you this. Our old pal, the hilarious comedian Jasper Redd, I haven't emailed him in a while, but the last time I emailed with him,

he still had a juno.com email address, which was like a free email dial-up service in 1996. Amazing. Early adopter hanging on. Probably gets zero spam. He probably calls into his email address by taking a phone handset off the hook and putting it down into like a cradle with microphones in it for the modem. Has to press star a bunch of times. Hang on. Hang on. Yeah, he can't check his email if his mom is calling his aunt or if he's trying to download a picture of kathy ireland yowza yowza she's as

hot as that rock sounds like wolf Pan Jack's back. Okay. JJGo at MaximumFun.org is where to send your voice memos. 206-984-4Fun. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Hey, I'm Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Wellington. And I'm Elliot

Kalin. Listen, you like podcasts, right? Sure you do. Don't try and lie to me. You're listening to one right now, so why not try a different one called R1, The Flophouse? Uh-huh, and on The Flophouse, we watch a movie and talk about it. And then sometimes we also do other stuff.

It's all meant to be funny and fun, and we think you'll have a good time. And just to be clear, the name of the podcast is not R1, The Flophouse. It's just called The Flophouse. I do a lot of correcting Dan. The Flophouse, the name of the podcast is not Our One, The Flophouse. It's just called The Flophouse. I do a lot of correcting Dan. The Flophouse. A lot of correcting Dan.

Hey, it's John Moe, inviting you to listen to Depresh Mode with John Moe, where I talk about mental health and the lives we live with all kinds of people. Famous writers. David Sedaris, welcome to Depressed Mode. Thanks so much for having me. Movie stars. Jamie Lee Curtis, welcome to Depressed Mode. I am happy to be here. Musicians. I am in St. Paul, Minnesota. I'm talking to Amy Mann. Great to talk to you. And song exploders. Rishi K. Shearway, welcome to Depressed Mode. Thanks so much for having me. Everyone's opening up on Depressed Mode on Maximum Fun.

It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Ophira Eisenberg, a.k.a. Lucky Eisenberg. Ophira, your brand new podcast is called Parenting is a Joke. It's where you speak with comics about their parenting experience. Before the show, we were talking about your very moving episode with Eugene Merman, who has been through a pretty extraordinary parenting journey. Yeah.

I saw you had Roy Wood Jr. on the show. The very funny Roy Wood Jr., one of the funniest dudes around. Great and Fletch. Oh my goodness. Fantastic. Yep. Jesse Klein, Katherine Reitman, who created and starred in Working Moms. Coming up, Mary Lynn Reiskub.

From Girls Guitar Club? Yeah, exactly. If you had a baby coffin, would it be for sale? That's what I think about all the time from our friend Karen Kilgareff and the great Mary Lynn Ricegub. Right. Running a vintage store in one of those Girls Guitar Club shorts. Maybe Nick Swartzen comes in to ask if the baby coffin is for sale so great yeah that's so funny i never saw them live but um you know because i wish i did but you were a huge 24 fan i was a huge 24 fan i was a ridiculous that's the sound

of however the phones rang on like i realized at an office that my friend worked at they had that sound and i was like so exciting i love that sound i feel the same way about 60 minutes which is another time show jordan what's your favorite time show boy what are the time shows are there was there ever a time cop show? Oh, God, I wish. Yeah. I mean, Quantum Leap is a sort of time show. Quantum Leap. That's a certain amount of time.

Which they were going to do a reboot of that. It's on. I think it's on. I don't know if it's on television. I'm really more of a reader, Ophira. Oh, sorry. I will say that the sides of buses claim that that reboot did occur. They rebooted it with a handsome Asian man.

That's right. Oh, yes. This is all I know. It's just from seeing it on a bus passing by. That's how you get your pop culture. I just wait for the 63 bus to tell me what's new in the world. That's how I became a professional culture critic. You have to have a sharp eye on America's bus sides and a gimlet eye on some of America's lesser entertainment. Don't trust the express

is all I'm saying. Thank you very much. If you're looking at the limited, take it with a grain of salt. Doesn't stop at all the stops my favorite time show of course it started out was a graphic novel it was a movie too but also a prestige hbo series of course i'm talking about watchmen that's fun not funny but that's good that's good i was shooting for it oh i love it no jordan i gave you an applause, the applause break you deserved instead of laughter. Thank you. Yes. Sort of like when, you know, Jon Stewart says something the audience agrees with or Jimmy Fallon refers to something.

I'm sorry, Mr. President, but these are not norms. Yeah, these are not norms these are not norms these are not our norms why are you breaking norms how dare you break norms or on cheers when norm comes in norm Donald Trump

never acknowledged norm when he came into cheers how do you feel about a gritty reboot of Cheers where we see the darker sides of alcoholism? All the same characters, but they're just constantly pissing in their pants. And talking about how they can't maintain

meaningful relationships. It's Frasier only instead of being about Frasier, it's about the actual life of Kelsey Grammer. Just a fucked up guy who was always drunk on set. Ophira, but we left the topic of parenting behind there accidentally. And I want to check. You're talking to all of these comics. Is it funny?

I'm like the Eugene Merman full emotional ride. Yeah, true. Eugene is a widower, but good news. There's good news on the Eugene Merman front. But what are we talking about? Are we talking about amusing anecdotes? Are we talking about insightful insights? Are we talking about tips and tricks? Zero tips and tricks to be extremely clear. No no advice okay no i i mean i love looking at parenting hacks because most of them aren't hacks at all like whatever hacks are supposed to be like ingenious simple solutions to problems and most parenting hacks are just so dumb they're like you always forget the tooth fairy don't you anyways fake premise no uh. I don't know. Something reminded me of the Tooth Fairy.

Goodness knows what it was. And they're like, make the place where the Tooth Fairy leaves the prize or the money, the kitchen counter. You know, parenting hack. You're like, no, that's not a hack. My son, Oscar, was running slow, so I did a hard reboot. That's my recommendation. Maybe a RAM upgrade. Cold. That's a cold reboot. That's my recommendation. Maybe a RAM upgrade.

Cold. That's a cold reboot, my friend. Cold. I would encourage everyone to listen to your show. The childful people out there will obviously get a lot out of it. But as me, as a childless man, I really, really enjoyed listening to your podcast this weekend. It is great. It is funny.

The emotional stuff is like really real and authentic it was just such a cool such a cool show i think uh i think everybody would enjoy it i should explain ophira to you and anybody who's new listening to the show jordan doesn't have any kids but it's something that he has fought a lot about like it's something i'm working on it i'm working on it i'm working on it i'm working on it okay jordan's thinking about getting on it many people have so yeah i just find it uh i just found it interesting that all i mean so many people when i started to stand up had no children and they were of every age group and i was like right this makes sense why would you do this as someone who has a family and then then all of a sudden, I feel like that changed. And not to say nobody had a child before, but it seemed very small amount. And then all of a sudden, I turned around because I had a child. And I looked around and went, to, and then, you know, being a parent and what's that like for them.

So it is funny, but it is also just real because everyone has their own struggle, whether it was just acquiring the kid, because not everyone just had their sort of, I guess what we'll call a mainstream like, oh, some woman I married or man i i married we had a child it's all different and then they have a lot of people fathered a child when they were overseas in the korean war there's that there's a lot of neko wafers yes a lot of multiple families that are secrets a lot of craigslist stuff he's trying to get a mattress. How else are you going to get a mattress? God damn it. Why am I so itchy? They say after they buy that mattress.

But I also feel like, I mean, I looked at all this parenting stuff in the beginning that I was looking for something that spoke to people that did not have nine to five jobs. And so much of it, I'm just thinking of the stuff that was at mothers. They would be like, I know there's no time for yourself, but that's okay. Just get up two hours before your child. And I was like, okay. So I, I get home from the club at 1am. So then I would get up at 4am. That's, that's the advice I get up at 4am. And so I was just like, nothing is speaking, you know, I just happen to have a night job and I work in standup, but there's tons of people with weird hours and night jobs was just like, nothing is speaking. You know, I just happen to have a night job and I work in standup, but there's tons of

people with weird hours and night jobs and just like different approaches to this whole life. And I feel like there is a minimal amount of stuff talking to those people. There's only so much crank to go around. That's the real problem. Yeah. You're a comic. You're in a creative industry.

You can score as much speed as you need to. Thank God. But for a lot of parents, you know, you can't. I honestly. If it were me. I would say. Even if you're on public assistance, you should be able to use that debit card to buy crank at the grocery store just because it's hard to be a parent. You know, they lock it up hard to be a parent you know

they lock it up you know and you got to call somebody and guys to come over they bring over that key and they're like how much do you want yeah they make you feel like shit and then you have to buy other things to hide it you're like deodorant yeah tell me about it i'll take a garden flare tell me about it do you guys ever find yourself at the grocery store and every time you buy ham i never buy ham like the big ham like a cartoon ham where yeah like a big ham hock or a spiral cut ham spiral cup yeah it was like a brown like a maple brown sugar ham i just feel like every time i'll be there and i'm like i'm just gonna some gum. Like I'll have halitosis and I'll say, I'm just going to get some spearmint gum. And then I look down in my shopping bag and every time there's a goddamn ham there, I just blacked out and bought a ham. You blacked out and bought a ham.

I like that. I came to with a ham hock and some spearmint gum. Let me just say this. I'm glad I don't live in Spain or I'd be fucking broke. I lived in Iberico. Hams are expensive. Yeah. No kidding. Super expensive hams. in spain or i'd be fucking broke oh i lived in iberico oh they're expensive yeah yeah no kidding plus zero gum though gum is expensive too there in spain i've heard because of taxes the exchange what is the craziest parenting experience that you have heard so far on your show phoebe uh crazy well i mean i feel like a lot of people have done, you know, we're talking so far,

a lot of people with young kids, although Marilyn has a teenager, it was actually very interesting talking to her because she is out there doing standup. And I don't know what it's like yet, because my kid is so young to have a real idea of my material. And so I was saying to her, you know, is your son interested in going to your gigs? And she was like, no. I was like, are you worried about talking about him on stage? Like, do you put it by him before you throw it out there? She's like, no. I was like, has he ever come to your shows and listened to the stuff? And I don't know, he's not interested. Like, it just never occurred to me the idea of having a teenage just your typical

teenage kid who wants doesn't matter what their parents profession is so not into it so 100 not into it thinks it's boring and dumb still ophira better than a kid who wants to become a stand-up comic agreed agreeded. Agreed. 100%. If you're a bricklayer or a plumber, you're like, my child will follow in my footsteps. I'm going to get him into the Longshoremen's Union. He's going to make a good wage and support his family. If you're a stand-up comic, you're like, I don't know, accountant school? Yeah. No. How can I make this look unattractive to you? How?

Yeah, I guess you don't have to. It will just look unattractive all on its own. So that's great. And also, I mean, I just found it so amusing that, you know, Roy Wood Jr. was talking about how when he was a kid, just the different ideas of summer vacation. He was talking about how much he flew his kid around to go traveling with him for summer vacation to eat up that time and how his kid has like really good Delta Sky Miles. Like it's solid, like it's two free bags.

Nobody loves a lounge like a teen. Like, oh my gosh, look at this free gumbo. But just this turd of phrase. Get some Swedish meatballs and a gin and tonic. Another one, one for my dad. But there's just turd of phrase that keeps going through my mind of what he said that for him, which is very common, I think, for many of us in the summer, you would be shipped off to your extended family if they were up for it. And he said, you know, I'd be passed around from aunt to uncle to cousin. I'd be passed around like a

cigarette. And I sort of remember that too. Like there was just these summers where, you know, the extended family at large was taking care of us. And were they? Question mark? I shot off a lot of fireworks in Alexandria, Virginia. I'll tell you that right now. Catching frogs out of a well, shooting off fireworks in a dried out field. Good place to lose a finger, Alexandria. Head down to the old, what do you call that?

Go-kart range. Oh, I love a go-kart. A lot of things that were outside my cultural area of expertise. I love just stacks of tires, stacks of old tires. And you've got an amusement park, my friends. Riding on a boat was something I did. So yeah, I don't know. A fucking lake, a boat. I don't know. Yeah, exactly. What is this? I know thrift store. Do you have that? But people have done crazy things too. I mean, crazy, whatever. They've done whatever they need

to do to be able to do their job, which at times is turning their kids, when they're really little, turning their schedules around, which I know, sometimes you have to keep secret what you do with your child because the rest of the world is going to be like, what? So if you do stand up and you're like, okay, guess what? My child's schedule is also going to be getting up at noon and going to bed at midnight. Is that terrible when they're, they're not even in school yet? No. Fine. Of course it's fine. Yeah. You think you only have to make them two meals. Exactly. So you it's fine. Yeah, you only have to make them two meals. Exactly. So you're saving money.

And so many people that have had to bring their kids to work at the clubs, whether they're being looked after briefly by servers or other comics or bouncers. It's probably the good, I bet the easy part of that is that like. Oh boy, Bill Burr is taking care of my kid. But I mean like, comedy club food is the food kids love though, right? You get chicken fingers,

you get nachos. Cold, like slightly cold mozzarella sticks. They haven't had time to heat it all the way through. Tower of Sam Adams. Because they got to drop the checks, Ophira. Yeah, yeah. That's right. Ten minutes left Tower of Sam Adams. Because they got to drop the checks, Ophira.

Yeah, yeah. That's right. Ten minutes left in the headliner set. They got to drop those checks. They can't. Yeah. They can't fucking cook those mot sticks all the way. No.

We got a late show coming in, everybody. Yep. Yeah. I just, I love all of that. I love just the collective reckoning of what we're all trying to do, which is borderline ridiculous. Like there is part of you that just goes, why aren't we just, you know, I don't know, sitting in nice houses in affordable neighborhoods. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Now I'm creating a fantasy land of affordable neighborhoods with nice houses.

Ophira, can I tell you something serious? I don't mean to burst your bubble here, but there's darkness hiding behind the white picket fences. Deep, deep down. I'm going to send you a DVD of a little movie called American Beauty that I think is really going to open your eyes. You'll never look at shopping bags the same way again. I will never look at Kevin Spacey again the same way. I'll never look at him again, hopefully. Fingers crossed. Seems like a real terrible person. And also just from all those years on Ask Me Another, I do play a game with every person that comes on the show. A quiz, a fun quiz that is subjective.

Like they don't have to know anything. There's so much fun stuff out there. You know, we did a pretty, this one could have almost been on Ask Me Another, I suppose. But with Roy Wood, we did, is it Nietzsche or Winnie the Pooh? Just reading lines. So fun. So impossible. Yeah. Our two most famous bummers. Totally. Totally. One sad sack after the next. Have you read The Tao of Nietz nichi it's a great book incredible book

it's a lot of wisdom hidden in there kind of has its own philosophy in a way grab it at the checkout at urban outfitters nichi needed a tigger he really needed a tigger in his life and maybe he had one i don't know it's just his friend martha she would be like do you want to go to the Ren Fair this weekend? She was fine. Yeah. It's like, I don't know. She's like, they have mead.

What even is that? Let's have some. Well, Ophira's podcast is called Parenting is a Joke. Wonderful show. Ophira is a wonderful interviewer, as well as being one of the brightest and funniest ladies around. So go check out the program. Merman's a good episode if you want to have feelings. Do you have a favorite I don't want to have feelings episode, Ophira? I think, right, yeah. I think the

Katherine Reitman is just straight up funny, although we do talk about like what it was like for her to sell a show about moms and how that was at the time she had a hard time selling it because they everyone said it was too niche so there's always different levels in there chris gethard is a very fun one too but he's talking a lot about what it was like to have you know to not feel cool which i think that's like another just the fun identity stuff that you go through when you're performing it's you know you're supposed to you're supposed to look cool on that stage to a certain extent and all of a sudden you're like oh my god what happened to me i mean that is gethard's signature he's the bad

boy of comedy he's the new dice man they call him we used to call him jim jeffries one when he smokes smokes the old cigarette behind the head yeah maximumfund.reddit.com at jordan jesse go on twitter facebook.com slash jordan jesse go on instagram at jordan d morris and at put.this.on our producer is daniel zafran our producer emeritus the great brian sunny d fernandez our theme music love you by the free design courtesy of the free design and light in the attic records jordan it's been a while since we've mentioned that the free design are a real band who are who fucking rule oh Oh, yeah, absolutely. That's the best of the Free Designs. A great album.

Throw that on. Go over to Light in the Attic Records. Get yourself a copy. It rocks. Big inspiration to your Stereo Labs, your Chibo Matos. You know, these cool bands that made beautiful songs in 1998. Mm-hmm. You know? Big inspiration. very inspired by the free design uh it's just a true thing about the free design they're very cool had a cool revival great band i think that's it probably probably haven't left anything out we'll talk to you next time

jordan jessica i'll hug you and kiss you and love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.