Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Hot Coals, Big Chin, Can't Lose, with Jackie Johnson

Episode Date: July 30, 2026

This week, comedian Jackie Johnson joins us to talk motivational speakers,  shock jocks, secret basketball societies, and a whole lot more. Baba booey! *Check out Jackie on Instagram *Support Jackie's Patreon *Preorder The Amazing Venom *Check out more Amazing Spiderman content from Jordan. *Order Jordan’s new Web of Venom comic. *Check out Jordan’s comic Predator: Bloodshed. * Order Jordan’s new Predator comic: Black, White & Blood! * Order Jordan’s new Venom comic! * Donate to Al Otro Lado. * Purchase signed copies of *Youth Group* and *Bubble* from Mission: Comics And Art!   ~ NEW JJGo MERCH ~ Get  Bronto Dino-Merch! Get our ‘Ack Tuah’ shirt in the Max Fun store. Grab an ‘Ack Tuah’ mug! The Maximum Fun Bookshop! Follow the podcast on Instagram and send us your dank memes! Check out Jesse’s thrifted clothing store, Put This On. Produced by Christian Dueñas Help support this show and unlock bonus content! Become a member at https://maximumfun.org/joinjjgo

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Under the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and suck and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy, detective. You know those, like, I guess it's a power box or a phone box that's on the street corner and comes up and, you know, sometimes they'll post like wheat paste sonnet or it'll be all decorated or something like. some kind of municipal.

Yeah, I was listening to a podcast. I was watching a podcast on YouTube. Just some really interesting kind of free-thinking guys who have a lot of cool ideas. They were saying those are the reasons I'm sterile. Oh, okay. Are those the ones we're talking about? The ones that pump out the sterility beans? You know what?

It's funny. I had the exact same thought. And it turned out that I just wasn't ejaculating in my wife. Oh, yeah. You got ejaculating. Listen, do I, do I got a son? No, I don't got one. But I have seen an educational film or two, and I do know that to create life, you must blast within.

So, so saith we all. So saith the Lord. He is risen. He is risen. He is blasted within. Should old the queen. Anyway. So one of these...

Should we start over? Oh, keep going. You mean like start a new podcast? Start a new life. Fug state. Out to the desert. Short order cook. I don't know.

You were saying. You know these boxes that are on a street corner and it's like... And they decorate them or whatever. Yeah, yeah. There's always a nice... Yeah, at least in... This is something you see a lot in Burbank, our beloved Burbank, our favorite place to talk about. Yeah. Yeah, have a lot of like fun, kooky art on these things.

I mean, obviously I'm into Glendale now because it's where their Warhammer store is. Right. They do this in Glendale. I think I've seen these kind of fun energy boxes in Glendale. Got it. Yeah. So it's also like the number one place where you would see a sign for a garage sale that's not a telephone pole. Uh-huh. Right? Like if somebody makes, and I saw a sign while I was driving, two signs actually. They both said the same thing. They were at a 90 degree angle on one of these boxes, but big, unlike maybe even foam core. Okay. Definitely something that would pass muster in a middle school presentation.

Right, about volcanoes or something. They were sizable. Right. They were of good size. Someone went to Michaels. And a nice stiffness. Uh-huh. You know what I mean?

No, but go ahead. And written in beautiful. Huge block letters on these signs was, and I'm just going to read it direct because I pulled over to write it down. Okay. Thank you, Adam Sandlar, for playing basketball. Oh, I've seen these. I've totally seen these. I've totally seen thank you Adam Sandler for playing basketball.

Was, thank you Adam Sandler for playing basketball. Don't know. This is the world's shittiest art project? Yeah, I don't. Great question. Because I would have assumed art project if there had been any artfulness to the presentation. Like if it had been lettered out or something. Yeah.

I would like, oh, this is just a new, Andre the Giant has a posse, is thank you, Adam Sandler for playing basketball. So I have a lot of questions. And I don't think you have answers. I don't know if anyone has answers. Well, man, maybe this is something we could actually answer. Maybe like a Judd Apatow or something probably knows. Help call us, Judd. Call us Maud.

Any Apatow. The phone lines are open if you're an Apatow, Judd or Mod. And you know what? Call us Maud or any B. Arthur. Right. Yes. So I know Adam Sandler wears basketball shorts. Does he play basketball?

He plays basketball. Okay. There was a basketball game. Part of the lore of the world of show business to which we have not been. invited is an insider's comedy

basketball game that happened every week at Gary Shandling's house. Guest is nodding maybe our guest has been

should we Oh wow Stroking chin thoughtfully Oh wow Guest does not have beard but guest is doing beard stroke

And she's stroking her pit hair Now fake dick I don't know Let's Should we bring our guest

Ask her what she was doing and then see if she has any inside as to whether or not Adam Sandler plays basketball. Our guest on the program, a former podcaster, a current solo theatrical performer and a writer and all the things, the various things. The various things, Jackie Johnson. Hi, Jackie. Hi, how are you? Hi. Okay. So, first of all, tell us what you were stroking.

You were doing some panamime. I was stroking my beard, my armpit hair, and my pubes. Oh, come on. The big three. Yes. That was very clear. Yes. This is our glitch.

Yes. Come on. The thing is, is we have fake dicks. I get it. So, it's sort of like, if you're in AA, everyone seems like an alcoholic. Yeah. So you have heard of this Hollywood insider basketball game. I have.

I know someone who's been. Fuck. Fuck. She knows Sarah Silverman. Do you have any information? about it other than it exists. I know they order lunch. Oh, fuck. I bet it's really good.

They order good lunch. The order from Goop Kitchen. Because the, you know why they order lunch? Oh, is that a photo of it? These people are always on, I've never seen so many white people playing basketball in one place. So, Christian has thrown up on the screen. Christian doing a bang-up job producing the show, by the way.

And yeah, a lot of like, yes, a lot of, like, whites in button-up shirts with the sleeves rolled up. That's too many people for a basketball team, right? I don't know much about sports. There's probably 30 people here. Maybe some of them are playing field hockey or something. They're not dressed to hoop. They are certainly not dressed to hoop. Two or three of them seem like they may be Tony Hawk. But I think Gary Shandling had this basketball game. I don't know if it still exists, but I know Adam Sandler would go and hoop it up there. Okay. I think he's like Obama. Him and Obama are your top casual hooper celebrities.

Casual hoopers. Where they're playing basketball. I don't, like, I don't know that Adam Sandler is good. Yeah. You know how people would say that, like, Prince is good at, was good at basketball? I hadn't heard that. He played in his heels. Yeah. Is that what people say about Prince? Yeah, sometimes he played in heels. I never heard that. But sometimes he just had, he brought sneakers with him. Okay. But, uh, just for show. He put those down to help he show people what he doesn't need.

Do you think that is that because the myth of Prince was so great that you just assume he would be good at anything because of his general greatness? No, he was a very passionate basketball player. It's possible that other people that he played basketball with let him win. Right. Like he was a mad boy king or something. Right. Which he was to some extent.

But he really did play in like high heel boots. Sometimes. Oh, really? Yeah, sometimes. I know a lot about it. Oh, okay. I heard Cheryl Crow on Howard Stern. She was saying how he literally always had on his heels. Well, I think later on he had chronic pain, chronic joint issues from, yeah. From the heels.

Same thing with Adam Sandler. Adam Sandler. Also, yeah. When y'all say Sandler, is it just because they spelled it wrong? It's because it's spelled S-A-N-D-L-A-R. Okay. I got to figure this out. Thank you for playing basketball.

Where was this box? Like what area of town? I've seen this on like Figueroa going to the 110. Okay. Well, that would be right by where I live. So. By the, yeah.

By that Denny's before you get on the 110. Oh, okay. So right there by that Denny's before you get on the 110? Yeah. That's where I see it. You ever see it down there by the I hop? No, I've never seen it by the I hop. Right where I don't go down there.

I don't. I wouldn't, I wouldn't, not even if you were getting off. Or something. If you were getting off the 110? No. This fucking guy. Do you remember the boys in? berry syrup. I do remember the Boysenberry syrup. Yes, IHop, a treat in our family, and as a boy,

I always loved the many syrups, and I would mix the syrups. And I felt like a real smarty pants. And I'm like, no one's ever mixed the syrups. I wouldn't want to mix the serps. Well, that's because you're not a visionary like I was at eight. No, I believe in the purity of syrup. Oh, okay. Serrips should not mix. I don't, you know, I don't think they should. I think that's where America went wrong, allowing children like you to mix the syrups. Well, that's why we don't have values. Maybe it's my fault. We're in this fucking mess.

I got Trump elected, didn't I? Fuck! I'm sorry. Jackie, can I ask you about your one-person show? I've seen it. It's great. What's the name of the show, Jackie? It's called How to Get a Second Husband.

Got it. And Jordan, you were sitting, like, really close. Do you remember you were like a second row or something? the splash zone. Yes, because I remember seeing you. Yeah. Which you're not supposed to

break the fourth wall, but... No. I did. But you high-fived. Yeah. I sat next to you. Yeah. Ask me how I was doing.

It was very nice. It's nice when you go to see a run person show and the performer asks about you. Yes, of course. Because like a lot of these one... They make it about themselves. I know.

Me, me. Awful. I was my day. I was my childhood. Right. What did my dad sound like? And I put on a hat to sound like my dad.

You don't do that in your show. Do you? My dad's in my show. Do you put on a different hat to symbolize a head or not? You just bring your real dad with you on the road. Yes. You don't need to, that way you don't need to switch hats. He can just come out.

And you talk and he goes, ma, ma, ma, ma, like a ventriloquist dummy. And then he goes back to his hotel. Which is holiday and or better. That's in his contract. Yeah. No, motel six. No, no. That's where I stay, though.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. He doesn't want me in the same. Two and a half and up! Your one person show, it is about a particularly like, like, wild period of your life. Yeah, fair to say. Fair to say. Yeah.

But it's not one of these one person shows where you're just, you know, you're yak into the audience. There's a character. You're like a self-help guru. Yes. How much self-help shit did you consume before doing the show? I watched Tony Robbins documentary. Okay. Have you all seen it?

This is a documentary that he directed? He was in charge of it. It's on Netflix. I am not your guru. That's what it's called. Okay. And he jumps on a trampoline before he comes out on stage to like hype himself up. That's actually, I don't hate that.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't hate that either. He's one of the top guys. Yeah. So he knows what he's doing. That's how we used to get Bill Clinton pumped up. Right. There you go.

How big a tramp we talk in? Oh, a little. The little one, yeah, mini tramp. And then I involved... Judy Greer-sized. I involved a trampoline in my photography for the show. And I ended up pissing my pants. Oh.

Just from the sheer amount of tramping you had to do? It's called stress-induced incontinence. I linked it up. Wait, so what you're saying is that you pissed your pants while jumping on the tramping. Right. Because jumping on the, it wasn't a physical thing. It wasn't a purely physical thing. It was a matter of you being freaked out by jumping on the trampoline.

I think my pelvic floor was freaked out. Right. Right. What's going on? I can't see, says the pelvic floor. And it was 100% involuntary. I didn't know I had to pee because we were taking photos of me jumping up in the air. You know, I'm this guru figure and I was very powerful.

And then all of a sudden I came down. And piss would, like, violently squirt out of my body. With each jump? Every jump. And I didn't want to address it. The first time I said, oh, okay. Uh-huh. And then he was like, give it more.

Come on, let's do it. Let's jump. And I'm like, yeah. Show that pelvic floor. That's right. And then I jump again and more came out. Oh, my God. I think we got a new Piss Queen.

We should explain. Yes, please. Last week's guest, Hayden Johnson. is on a comedy tour called the Piss Queen Tour. So she's branded herself as a Piss Queen. She's my sister. We didn't hear... I don't know if you knew that.

That actually would sink up. Yeah, yeah. We did not hear any real hard evidence that she's actually a Piss Queen, though. Right. It seemed to be just... I see a photo of her now pissing on the toilet,

and I'm sorry, but anyone can do that. Not everyone can piss their pants on a trampoline. Fired. That's exactly. what I'm thinking. I'll see at the family reunion, bitch. Who's the true piss queen?

I'm so sick of your bitch sister. No. Who's the false piss queen? Coming in here before me. Wow. Trying to steal my title. It's touching up all the piss talk. This is Game of Piss Thrones.

Sure, yes. These two sisters are... It's a literal pissing contest. Right. Yes. Out of control. Okay, so you got yourself pumped up. Yep.

By jumping on this thing. Yep. What else did you learn about Tony Robbins from watching the Tony Robbins documentary? People fucking love him. Oh, he also, he loves to cuss. He loves cussing. Oh, I would, I mean, maybe this isn't mutually exclusive, but I thought he was like a Christian man. You know, I...

Maybe he is a Christian man who just loves to cuss. I don't remember really any mentions of a higher power. Okay. But he thinks that when you cuss, it really emphasizes your point. Oh. So he encourages it. Your damn point. That's right.

Your point shit. Yes. Yeah. I'm learning. I'm learning. All right. You've watched the doc. Oh, yeah.

Oh, you've watched the doc. Oh, and what I really wish I could do for my show, he gets a whole team of people to come out and they shoot like the t-shirt cannons in the audience. Like, they get everybody hype the fuck up. I'm sorry, hype the shit up. Jordan used to have a t-shirt canon. Lifestyle. Lifestyle. Lifestyle, yes.

I didn't actually own one, but, you know. You had access. to it though. Is this a bit or do you... No, I'm talking about it on the D-Tour. No? I don't think... Did I ever have a T-shirt Canon?

I don't think so. You definitely at some point had a T-shirt Canon because I remember you telling me about how great the T-shirt Canon was. Listen, that time in my life is a blur, Jesse. I had access to free Mountain Dew. There was a period where Jordan was on the D-Tour a lot. Oh. Because of his work at Fuel TV.

Yes. Do-Tour, of course, a skateboarding BMX extravaganza that traveled around to America's worst cities. Yep. And I would go with them and make little TV segments. And Jordan and Chris Fairbanks, I remember very vividly one time they had to like host on a stage something. But then, and it was sucked because it's a bunch of pissy teens in the item. I mean, talk about piss. I know. Thank you. All those kids are the, I'm in there full of Mountain Dew. Right. Yeah, listen. But then I remember Jordan coming in and being like, you know what?

they gave us t-shirt cannons and it's fucking great. Everyone loves t-shirt cannons. You just shoot t-shirts in the audience. No one is. R-I-P. R-Ipp to a piss queen. Yikes. Yikes.

Yikes. She would piss on Flanders' wife. Well, yeah. Yeah, they were nasty. We all know that. You know they were nasty. Did you, okay, what else about Tony Robbins? Okay.

He charges a lot of money. Okay. his his seminars thousands and thousands of dollars a ticket did you like after watching it did you like get it do you like oh absolutely not okay no no no no it didn't work on you but i have friends tony pilled we know people oh yeah we know people that are his descendants oh or his disciples

i have three guesses step into the arena christian has brought up the price The Tony Robbins price guy. Are my eyes awful? Or like, can y'all read that? It's pretty far away. It's a little far away.

I think you're, so it looks like the text down there says, want to experience Tony Robbins in Europe? I kind of do. The diamond level is three grand. Wow. Christian, can you read some of these levels to us and what do we get? Like how much? I mean, 800 seems okay if you get to stay in a holiday in.

General admission is $795. You can join Tony in Miami, Florida for a 90-minute post-event implementation workshop. Ooh, an implement. I love to implement. A firewalk experience. Okay. That's like a cent. Firewalk?

Like you walk on coal? You watch the Central. Twin Peaks movie with it. But firewalking is like a, I thought that's like the only thing I know about Tony Robbins. Does he not firewalk in the documentary? Not that I remember. Hot Coles is all I know about the man. Oh shit.

Hot Coals, big chin. Can't lose. That's what's on the shirts when you Right The tote bags when you sign up Yeah I mean for a whole new life Of going Going out there

Grabbing that brass ring Learning about Damn fuck business 800 doesn't seem that bad No but do you get You said 90 minutes That's all you get for $800 is 90 minutes Well you get 90 minutes of implementation

Implementation And you also have access to an exclusive Facebook community Oh In that case, sign me up. I'm there. That's where everything gets done. It's a group called Baseball's Golden Years.

Right. Photos of Ty Cobb. Yeah. Okay. So you were not, you didn't get Tony Pilled. I did not. And you don't, you didn't walk away going like, oh, I see what people like about this. Wait, hold on.

Christian, what's the upgrade to Diamond? What do you get extra when you go Diamond? By the way, these have Comparat prices. I see now. The retail price on the general admission, 1195. Oh, wow. So that's a $400 savings already off of retail. It's a goddamn bargain.

Real deal, if you ask me. Did he get canceled? Tony Robbins? If you told me that, I would go, yes. That's true, but also, I don't know. You find out if you pay the diamond level. And you, yeah, I'll let you know if I got canceled. That's the whole seminar.

And then you pay, and he's like, I did. Poof, up and smoke. Yeah. Bye. But you can do this all virtually for a mere $495 and you don't have to go to Miami. I should do that.

The diamond level is just seats in front and expedited registration? Ooh. Do you know how long registration takes? Jesse? This is fucking nuts. Should we split the virtual level

and some of us can just duck out of the Zoom? Yeah. Because he does make sure that there's only one person on the Zoom. He makes everyone pan the camera around. Show me your house. Let me see. Make sure. There's no one secretly watching.

No squatters. Yeah. Yeah, I guess we could just all, I mean, we could go to like a bar and everybody at the bar could chip in. Everybody at the bar throws in 20 bucks or something. We could all, you know, watch it like it was the World Cup. Four-day event. How come we never gone to a Tony Robbins thing, Jordan? Well. Would you go with me?

Do I have used the inspiration? Yeah, I do want some inspiration. Just watch the Netflix, Doc. See if it works. I'm a fucking sailboat adrift at sea. Yeah. I'm a sailboat with. torn sails. I got to walk on fire to get my... You need to unleash your inner U.

Get my vigor back. Yeah. My U is inside. Get it out. I could piss it out by jumping out a trampoline. Maybe. Did you stop the photo shoot? No. Wow. I never addressed it. Uh-huh. And there's no way he didn't see. Did you hose the trampoline? So luckily nothing spewed out. It was all in my pants suit. Pantsuit. And it was a dark pantsuit. And it was a dark pant suit. Yeah. So I'm... If it's the one you wear in the show, you look great in it. Thank you. It wasn't. It was a blue one. Okay. I decided to go royal

blue because I had my colors done and apparently I'm a bold winter. Who told you that? I'm a warm on. A woman in Long Beach. Okay. That checks out. That is where you go to get that information. She was a longshoreman. Unloading

freight. I got on her boat and... A lot of stevedores are doing colors now. A lot of stevedores are doing colors. Yeah, it's important. So, and I hate to keep going back to this, but you volunteered it, so that's your fault. So when people see the, like, ads for

your show, you have pissing your pants? Okay, so there's so much more of the story. Okay. I wanted my poster to be so memorable. I wanted it to be one of those pictures when you saw it, you said, I have to see this show. Right. What's on me? So I hired a guy

who has done posters for He has won best poster at Edinburgh Fringe. Three years in the past four years. And that's like, that's a real... There's thousands of shows at Edinburgh. So many posters. He lives in London. I flew him here.

Oh my God. I wanted this poster to be good. On an airplane? Yes. Believe it or not. Wow. We did the photos. I never got them back.

Hold on. This, so this... You think he sold him to a... An O. F. I was just going to say piss sight, but yeah. Well, what is a no F? Oh, so.

So wait, did he just completely disappear? He ghosted me completely. Wow. Well, this was in April, and I needed the pictures by May 1st for, I did Hollywood Fringe, and I needed to upload everything. And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll get them to you. I said, hey, deadline's coming up. He's like, oh, he sent me a couple, but not the ones where I'm jumping,

because those were going to involve all that's photoshopping. Of course we're not using AI. Of course. Thank you. So I got to see some of them. Posters made by humans. Pants full of piss. That's right.

Real piss. AI could never piss its pants. Ever. So, I mean, I might, but I'd have like two fingers or, you know, wherever. Sure, yeah. So. The piss would be green. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. So we've all been there. Sure, yeah. You're not going to have blue or raspberry anything. Yeah, that's true. Carolina. And you get your riboflavin. Yep.

There you go. So he was like, oh yeah, I'm busy. I'll get to it. I'll get you something by the weekend. He just never wrote me back. So he took a plane ticket from London to L.A., which is not cheap. And just fucking disappear.

He rented the studio. Uh-huh. Shlepped all his lights and shit. I borrowed a trampoline off of the Buy Nothing group. Uh-huh. All this completely ghosted me. Wow. And my friends have been like, do you think he ghosted you because of the piss?

Right. Like he uploaded the photos. He was looking at him. He's like, she pissed her pants. But you'd think if you're good with Photoshop, like this guy probably. Oh, no, that wouldn't have been a problem. Yeah, you can lighten the dark and slacks. But maybe he was weirded out by the fact that I pissed myself and didn't address it.

You know, that's like a theory I've had. Okay. Do you think he, like, put a contact sheet on a lightboard and then was circling the piss with a red crayon? Like a magazine? I hope so. For a piss mag. Of course, yeah. And then I was thinking...

Italian piss vogue. Maybe... Maybe the piss would actually be a good addition to the photo. I mean, it's a little off-brand, but it's interesting. Well, I mean, what it implies is that she's got a little secret. Maybe. Maybe. I mean, an actor's secret.

That's right. A secret that's revealing itself. Sure, slowly. Can you imagine if Tony... Because I base my posters off of Tony Robbins' photo. He's like, there's flames around him and there's all these, you know, sunbursts and shit. And he's like grabbing the sky. And I was like, imagine it just piss.

Right. He was on his trousers, on his slacks. You would be intrigued. I would be interested. Sure. Yeah. Maybe you dropped the $2,500 for diamond or whatever. A little Easter egg, if you will.

Sure. Of what's to come. I don't know. Have you ever been to an event, a self-improvement event of any kind? Yes. I went to this weird. life coach, it was like a free intro in hopes that you would sign up for his life coaching.

And it was very much a like Tony Robbinsy vibe. What did you? Yeah, what you learned. Yeah, I was going to ask what the facility was. We were like in the parking lot of a creation juice or something. I don't remember. So you weren't inside? No, it was outside.

Uh-huh. The weather here is pretty temperate. Oh, sure. Yeah. But he just said, meet me in the parking lot like you were buying a laptop from him on Craigslist? There were a bunch of us. We were all, it was all women. It was all like actress types.

I only remember one thing from it. Okay. It was, he was like, okay, you know, imagine your day today and like the dark thought that you say to yourself, like, whatever it is. I'm not successful enough. I'm not this enough, whatever. What's your life going to look like five years from now if you, if that's what you think? Like, if that's the, and then imagine you're like 10 years from now if that's still true. And you're like, yeah, I mean, fucking tailspin now is.

So we were all... He's like, there, I've just made you feel worse. That's right. Now pay me. Two grand or whatever. Yes, yes. I fucked you up now. Exactly. The parking lot thing, I can't get past it.

I don't remember where we were. But it was outside. It was outside. I'm like, if you're a, if you're trying to project, I can fix your life. Right. I can... Maybe get spring for a space. Oh, but you can get a room at a week.

You can get a conference room at a we work for 90 minutes. And that would have been lovely. Sure. Yeah. I don't like the idea of getting pumped up. Yeah. But, and I don't like the idea of working on myself. Yeah.

But there's something about a life coach that does appeal to me and I'm trying to like put my finger on what it is. Well, if they don't pump you up, that means he's got to come out very slowly and casually. And like non-flashy. Like he's trying to sneak up on a board? There's no colds. There's no tramps. Right, right.

He just kind of slowly walks in. Right. Maybe sits down, looks at his phone for like 20 minutes. Uh-huh. Yeah? Strokes your head. I'm like, what I want is like, there's a part of me that just wants somebody to just tell me what to do. Yeah.

Right. I don't know. Just you tell me. That's what I want to say to my therapist sometimes. I don't know. You tell me. Yeah. I think that is the thing that is like sometimes you want from therapy that maybe they shouldn't be giving you.

but also just that like, well, what do I, I don't know, where do we, what do I do I do? Tell me a thing. Give me a plan. Right. Yeah. That's what my show is, though. It's a seven-step plan. Right. To get a getting a second husband. And your show does not cost $2,500 for diamond level. You just get that on the Jackie Johnson Patriot. That's right. I'm setting that level up tonight. So when this comes out, there will be diamond. Okay. And that's where the piss photos. Oh, okay. Now, it's all coming out. You've been keeping them in your little. That, Joel for the time. Jordan, have you ever tried to improve yourself?

Well, I like to think that we're all, listen, we're all just travelers on a big blue marble. Look, we both been to therapy and got a lot from it. But I'm talking about on a like, on a non-medical basis. Have you ever tried to improve yourself by like reading a self-help book or? Gosh, what's the close? I don't think I've ever read a. self-help book. Are there self-help comics? Oh, seems like there maybe should be. That would be fine. That might be a new niche. Oh, yeah. Okay. Maybe Spider-Man can tell you where you fucked up.

You need to fix the relationship with your mom. Thwhip. Get me pictures of your dad apologizing to you. It's J.J. James. I watched a show the other day. But no. I got that reference. I have never, thank you. Yeah, I've read a bunch of the books to my sons. Oh, I can tell. Yeah, to answer your question, Jesse, no, I've never done a self-help book. I've never done a self-improvement book. You ever do The Artist's Way?

I have it. It's in a wrapper. It is on my shelf. I someday hope to unwrap it. It's a big project. Is it? What is it? I did buy it.

I think that's maybe the only thing my therapist has ever told me to do is get the artist's way. How do you think I wrote my show? Wow. using the methods detailed in the artist's way in your daily pages? The artist's way is so much work and it is crazy and it will change you. Okay. And I made my best work because of it. Really?

My word. But I'm not a disciple. Okay. I don't do the pages. You save that for Tony. Yes, exactly. But I did do it. Okay.

And it did result in me writing my show. Are there, is there like a couple of things from it that you could point? And say like, oh, this really helped or that really helped. Basically, your inner artist is your inner child. That's really the big takeaway for me. And if your inner artist has damage to it in some way, it will probably be a childhood wound. Right. And I was literally like reading it in therapy, like crying.

Oh, my gosh. So it's a healing. You read it in therapy? I would pull up. That seems like, I mean, your therapist is charging like $150 an hour to watch you? Yeah. To watch you? you read? And then she said, I gotta get this book. That should be on her only

fan. I was like, I gotta read you something and it makes me think of my parents. It was like a thing. I just have my therapist help me with the USA Today crossword puzzle. Oh, smart. I need help. That's right. Tell me what to do. But it worked. You like produce, is that, doing that helped you produce this show? A hundred percent. Okay. Yep. Jesse, have you done the artist's way? Have you been tempted to have a million people recommended it to you? I mean a million people have recommended it to me. At the end of the day, there is a certain powerful temptation to anything Maria Bamford says.

Sure, yeah. Because you're just like, all right, Maria, you're the greatest genius in the world. Sure, you've done some wonderful work. Like, at one time Maria told me about how much she loved reading and learning from how to win friends and influence people. Okay. And I'm like, fuck, should I read How to Win Friends and Influence. It worked for the Bamer. Mm-hmm. But the other day I was on Canopy. Yes.

Which, I don't know if you know this, Jackie, but I'm in my Canopy era. Okay. Love that. This is where I figured out how to type my library card number into my Roku. Mm-hmm. Incredible. I'm loving canopy. You know, we're doing this month on Free With Ads.

We're doing all library movies. So we're watching a lot of Canopy. It's a wonderful streaming site. Check out Free With Ads. And this month's Jordan Jesse goes. So TBW, to be watched, I watched on Canopy. Check it out. Escape from New York.

But Canopy, what's interesting about Canopy is, this is the library streaming service, as we implied. Sure. And Canopy has... There's also a hoopla if you're nasty. Has a huge selection of items. But it is a very flat navigation. Yeah. So it will show you a thing that is like a...

documentary about fluoride that a guy made with a handy cam right next to hoop dreams. Sure. You know what I mean? And there's no way to figure out which is which other than this art. Like there's no like 70% rotten tomatoes or anything. Yeah, they don't seem, it doesn't seem to be, you know, given to you via algorithm, which is nice. I think, you know, it's nice to have something that seems a little more curated. but also it's chaos.

Yeah, just absolute madhouse. Yeah, I think I prefer it, but also it's hard to find out what they have unless you know what you want. Yeah. Anyway, so. Wonderful website, though. I was on there and, like, there's a lot of movies on there, and I didn't have the time to watch a movie or the inclination to watch a movie. And now they got British Antiques Rojo. So.

Okay. And I got the tickets. It cost two tickets, but I got the tickets, not to brag. Some shows cost tickets and some are just You know free to watch How do you get the tickets? You have to win Carnival games There's this clown with an open mouth

They mail you a water gun You should have to keep spraying the sky in the mouth Yeah I'm super fucking good at ski ball so Nice I am good at hitting the clowns and knocking them over Oh yeah? Yeah that's kind of my thing I was just in Delaware at the boardwalk

For a week Oh Delaware has a good boardwalk What are we talking about Rojogos? Yes. That's where I was. I summer in Delaware now. Oh.

With the Biden. Pretty much. I do not summer at all. Oh, really? No summering for me. You go straight from spring to autumn? Yes. I go straight from a vivid winter to a warm autumn.

You've been to Long Beach recently, haven't you? But anyway, I'm clicking through the things. and one of the things is called how to make conversation with anyone or something. I think it was called how to make. And I'm like, you know what? Fuck it. I'm just going to watch this.

Maybe I'll learn something that'll be useful to me in my profession, conversation maker. And it was amazing. I don't think I learned anything. But I also don't think it was bad. I was just like, there was this woman, this old woman who was in charge. When was this made, would you say?

That's the thing. I don't think it was made that long ago. Like, it could have been made in 2008 or it could have been made in 2025. But like... This isn't like from the 80s. This isn't like a... No, but it was. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Christian has it popped up here. 2020. a great year. And this woman was, was, she was sort of like a convoy dom.

Is that her in that picture? I think it must be. That looks like Maria Bamford from over here. It looks like a Maria Bamford character. Yeah, yeah. Maria Bamford would play a character like that on a Netflix show.

Yeah. And I, I was like, what if I became a self-improvement person? Mm, okay. Like, I don't remember anything from the show

that I watched. Yeah. You didn't retain any of the tips. But that's typical of my day-to-day life in general. I mean, I just don't retain much. So, I mean, certainly the third catcher on the San Francisco Giants, but other than that. Right.

Hard to remember other stuff. Outside of that. But I was like, maybe from now on I just watch seminars. Yeah. But it wouldn't be, I don't want it to be Ted Talks. I don't want to watch TED Talks. I get the, I get creeped out and uncomfortable from TED Talks. I mean, shout out to Roman Mars and Helen Saltman and all the other TED Talk friends we have.

But I don't like TED Talks. It's, there's too many lessons. And I want industrial actors. Yeah. Like I want to see scenarios play out in a set that otherwise would be used for like grocery store product photography. There was dramatizations in that? this? Yeah. Like how to have a good conversation? Yeah. And I was really into who were the good actors and who were the bad actors. Oh. Should I put my show on canopy? I mean, yeah, of course your show

should be on fucking canopy. People have to mail you tickets if they want to watch. Is it already on, is it already on hoopla? No, but it's going to be. Can't it. Can't it. Stick it on nasty. Stick it up, hoopla. I'm nasty like that. Shove it into canopy. I wanted to shoot it as what you're saying. like a VHS tape that you would find at the library. We have the tracking going a little haywire. And you would start it up and I'd be sitting on the couch. Uh-huh. And I would do what you saw, but to the camera.

Sure. Instead of with an audience. I thought about doing that. I thought that would be really fun. Well, hold on. Let's do this. Yeah. Let's all take a minute to check our hoop laws.

Okay. Because you have to, I mean, if you don't, who will. We'll check out the hooplas and then we'll come back for a little bit more. I can't remember my library pen. Oh, buddy. Can you save it in? into the Roku? I saved it into the Roku, but now it doesn't work, and I don't know why. Make it the same as your ATM pen. It is the same as my ATM pen.

And there's still something wrong. Okay. Good luck, pal. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris Boy Detective. Jordan, I for once have an exciting local event to plug. Ooh. I got an email from the good people at American Cinematheque. Okay. This is a prestigious organization.

This is a prestigious nonprofit film appreciation organization. And they have this thing called Friend of the Fest. It is a podcast movie festival. Okay. It's not a festival of movies about podcasts. No, that was our bonus episode series from last year. Podcast movie, movie podcasts that everyone should listen to. No, this is where podcasters host screenings of films as a film festival.

And on Friday, August 21st at the Los Felis 3, right here in Los Angeles, I will be hosting a screening of my favorite film A Thousand Clowns. Okay. The Academy Award Best Picture nominated Pulitzer Prize-winning play turned film about a comedy writer who is the sole caretaker for his teenage nephew and the paroxysms that he goes through trying to retain custody of his kid when everyone, in child services realizes that he's an unemployed comedy writer. And he can't bring himself to take a regular job because he's above it. So it's about him growing up and the child getting a chance to be a child. And it's very funny and it's very touching. And it's wonderful with the great Jason Robards.

And also Barry Gordon, who plays the kid later on became one of the Teenage Mutanty Turtles. Okay. As well as president of SAG. Wow. What a fun thing to be able to see on the big screen. And he also was the singer of All I Want for Christmas. is my two front teeth. My God.

No, maybe it's... That's Mariah Carey. That's Mariah Carey. Now that you mentioned, it's the Queen of Christmas. So go to the American Cinematech website. I will see you the afternoon of Friday, August 21st.

They went and found a print of this movie, which has barely been in print in any form. Yeah. But they found an actual film print of this movie that they're going to project. I'm so excited. I'm going to host it. I'll make some remarks at the beginning.

Remarks. Offer a few remarks. You're welcome to come sit next to me. If you go, did you know that the distance between here and here is the same as the distance between here and here? And do the shoulder closest to me first and then the shoulder furthest from me second. Then you'll have your arm around me. Nice. Classic.

We can kiss in the third act. Thing to do. I'm just saying. I'm just saying my wife's not going to be there. My wife's not going to be there. It doesn't care to support you, huh? I'm not above a little micro cheating. Okay.

That's coming up in an episode in a couple weeks. Yeah, okay. Stay tuned. Thank you. Jesse, can I offer a little behind-the-scenes glimpse at the comic book industry? Yeah, I would love to. Do you say where to get the tickets for the show? Go to the American Cinema Tech website.

You will find the tickets available right there. And please tell a friend. If you live in Southern California, tell a friend, bring a friend. It's an amazing movie. It's really funny, very moving. You'll have a great time. I don't think they know that I'm not famous. So Friday matinee.

We gotta get some people out there. There's a couple more weeks left to pre-order the Amazing Venom, the new comic book series from me and artist, Luke Ross. Okay. This star is Venom from Spider-Man? This is a similar character. This is D-Lis Spider-Man villain Boomerang who gets good up with an alien symbiote. It gives him unimaginable powers, and he's not nuts about it.

And he wants to get that thing off him. He wants to get back to the boomerang game. He wants to get back to throwing boomerangs at the old webhead. So he goes on a little cross-country. Cross-country. There he is. Throwing booms and having zooms. That's because he works Monday to Friday.

Works from home. Works from home. Yes, one of my favorite deep-cut characters. So, yeah, it's a little bit of a, like a midnight run, but in the Marvel universe, a little bit like planes, trains, and automobiles, two mismatch characters have to get from point A to point space. And so when this miniseries was approved, I got a very exciting phone call from Jordan D. White, a lovely editor over at Marvel who brought me into the fold.

Okay, this is getting exciting because I feel like I'm getting a little insider. He's a wonderful man who believes in me. What does the D stand for? Uh, don't know. Oh. It's a weird middle name. Don't know white. Um, and he says, so they've approved the mini series.

Um, I don't think a lot of people will buy this so you can just make it crazy. And what I want to do. Yes. Is proof to him. Uh-huh. That because we make it crazy, uh-huh. People will buy it because you want to. read a crazy comic

that has a lot of cool stuff in it and great art by Luke Ross. A lot of shit goes down. And a lot of shit goes down. Fun locations. You pre-order at your local comic book store or you go to bit.l.ly slash goo friends.

Bit.l.w. slash goo friends. And you pre-order all five issues signed by me from Collectors Paradise. They mail it to you. Cover price. Really? Cover price. For the cover price?

Bit.L.L.S. There's a couple more weeks left to do that. They can sell out of these, so if you want it, do it. And yeah, let's prove that because something is crazy, people will buy it. Can I voice one concern before we go back to the show? So you wrote Baby Garf No. 3. Baby Garfield issue number 3. Yeah, goes to the beach.

It's really funny. I read it. Thank you. I had a hard time getting my hands on it. Stuffed fine. Small print run. Finally got my hands on. Small print run, big fan base.

And I read this story. It's about Baby Garfield goes to the beach and he wants to eat these nachos. My concern... It's kind of a midnight run. My concern is that I feel like you kind of gave me like a dark, twisted version. Now, I know you, sometimes you're a little twisted. Well, yeah, it's the Joker in me. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

But I'm like, isn't Garfield supposed to be a role model to kids? No, he's supposed to be a funny cat. Oh, maybe. I wouldn't go to Garfield for morals. Wait, hold on. If Garfield's supposed to be a funny cat, then what's Shaquille O'Neal supposed to be? I think this is a Mandela effect thing. Really?

Yeah, I don't think you know who any of these people are. All right. I've got to, we need to sit down and just do a general pop culture primer with you. Buzz Aldrin. Uh-huh. That's a dog who thinks that he's a World War I. Second man on the moon. He doesn't think he's a World War I flying ace.

No, Snoopy. You could figure, you're, okay. Snoopy. Okay, well, you've. Look, I guess I need to get myself another copy of Sex in the City. Baby Garfield number three. I think you maybe can't get the issue anymore, but there should be a collection of all the baby Garfield's coming out in November.

Okay. That'd be a great thing to pre-order. I'll wait for the trade then. Wait for the trade. The trade will put this in context that he's just supposed to be a fun cat. It'll teach you who Buzz Aldrin is. Because I thought this guy is, he was sort of wreaking havoc. Uh-huh.

And I'm like, I don't want kids to learn to wreak havoc. Yeah, they're not supposed to learn anything. Sit quietly at your desk. Sure. Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse. Go. La la la la la la la la la

I'm Jesse Thorne America's radio sweetheart Jordan Morris boy detective And I'm Jackie Johnson The nutritional yeast queen of sequence Jackie's fucking loving Jackie is losing her shit. I just thought of like some things I like. Uh-huh.

And I love nutritional yeast. Okay. And I love sequins. You're reacting like you just, you just went on the Oscars and said Baba Booie. I would definitely do that. Oh, my God. What do you like?

Okay. I have his phone number. Baba booies? I guess I don't know what that is. I'll be perfectly honest. I was never. You don't know. Howard Stern thing.

Yeah, I know that. Yeah. But it's a guy from Howard Stern? It's his producer, Gary Delabate. Okay. It's called Baba Booie? Yeah. And so people like Howard Stern super fans would like run on the local news and yell that.

Yeah. Or they'd run onto the, you know, turf on the masters or whatever. Okay. Yeah. Not so much anymore. Do you think we could get people to run onto something and yell full short? Maybe. I would love to, listen.

You for sure could. I guess our Baba Booie, Jackie, is full short. So yeah, I mean, I would love to see. the most public place. No further explanation necessary. Hopefully that clears things up. Full short. Full short. Short. Yeah. Yeah. A few L-L-C-H-R-G.

I'll work on it. I'll work on it. Yeah, I don't know if you ever, like, if you have any, like, publicity appearances coming up, you know, you're going on any, like, morning news shows, morning radio. What if I went on Howard? Oh, and yelled full short. That would be great for us. That would be huge. Thank you in advance for doing that. I've shared this, I think, before on the show, but the only time I've

felt famous in my life was one time I had said in an interview, I had done this podcast called The Turnaround where I interviewed interviewers. And I had said, somebody had asked me in an interview about that, well, what about Howard Stern or something? And I said, well, I think Howard Stern's a really interesting interviewer. I would have loved to have talked about him. You know, he's really great or whatever. But I made this compliment of Howard Stern. And because it was in the newspaper, it appeared on Stern News, which is a news show on the Howard Stern XM Channel

about news about Howard Stern. So when Howard, so it's like a news report, right, of news related only to Howard Stern. They have a lot of hours to fill. They have two channels that are 24 hours. Jackie, you're a sterniac. Oh yeah, major, major. Okay.

And when my name was mentioned on Sirius XM-7, satellite radio on the Stern News show. My fucking phone blew up. Fucking Andy Richter and shit are texting me like they're talking about, Rob Cordry texted me, Paul Shear texted me. These are all stern heads, yep. Popular stern heads.

People are losing their minds. Stern head. Losing their fucking minds. Jason Manzukas. Stern head. Wow. Yeah, it's a big deal to get mentioned. My name got mentioned on Howard's show once.

Wow. Why was that? I do wrap-up show sometimes, which is the post show, Howard's post-show, where they talk about what happened on the show. So you go on there as a guest analyst? Yes. I think Alan McLeod does that sometimes. That would make sense. Yeah. And I guest hosted it a few times.

Oh my gosh. Which is a pretty big honor as a stern head. That's pretty significant. Howard stops talking and it goes straight to the wrap-up show. Do you go into like a... To serious X-M, yeah. Wow. In L.A., yeah.

You know who I think would love that? Tony Robbins. Terry Gross. Terry Gross. Another big Stern fan. She's a fucking stern nut. She loves Stern. Yeah, she interviewed him.

She loves Stern and Ira Glass loves Stern. That tracks. One time I had dinner with Ira Glass and his now former wife, Anaheed, very cool lady. And she's got to see my show. In that conversation, it came out. that Anaheed hated public radio. Oh, wow. And so they only listened to Stern

when they were driving in the car or whatever. That makes sense. Yeah. How was it hosting the show? It was fine. Okay. It was great. It was fun, whatever.

I mean, I was nervous, but it was fine. Sure. So then somebody called in and was talking Howard about stuff. And right as they were hanging up on him, he goes, Jackie Johnson was a great guest host on the wrap-up show. And then they hung up.

So Howard heard my name. Okay. I have the clip. So wait. So someone was baba booing you? Not necessarily baba booing. They were just ranting about stuff. They were like, Robin, bring the news back.

Which y'all don't get because you don't listen. Yeah. They were just saying stuff and they said, oh, and Jackie, and then. Sorry, I'm too busy listening to Man Cow. Yeah, you know, listen. We all have our interests. And then he just goes, okay, and he hung up on him. But I same, just like your phone, the text I got.

People started flipping out. Oh, baby. Uh-huh. It was like I was sitting next to Paul McCartney at the Globes. Sorry, guys. I missed that. I was listening to Bubble the Love Spuny. We all listen.

We all have our shock jocks. Is he still around? Didn't he his wife got fucked by Hulk Hogan? Yeah. And ruin the entire media economy for the benefit of Peter Thiel. That's all I got on that. Sure. Well, hey, now that we've solved the problem of media in our current day.

The Hulk just cocked another Hulk a maniac. How about that? Is that anything? You're singing like a Hulk Hogan song? Yeah, you know the Hulk Hogan song of the world just lost another Hulk about the little boy who dies. Yeah, but you're going to do it about cucking. Yeah, in this case, it's about...

And saying a few racist things kind of randomly? Bubba the Love Sponge getting cucked by Hulk Hogan. I think that's a wonderful song parody, Jesse. Yeah. I was going to say we should maybe listen to some calls. You want to do that? Come on. Come on.

You know what, Jordan? What? You convinced me. Okay. Sorry, I was listening to Tom Likis. What was I doing? Hey, Christian did one. Christian did one.

Yeah, what do we got in the old call box today? We have two calls. Ooh, two. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guests, this is Nick from Arizona calling in for a momentous occasion. I was at Goodwill with my sister, and I found a T-shirt that on the top and bottom said, whatever floats your boat. And in the middle was an A&W logo. so it looks like hamburgers and whoopier are living this year's motto which is good to see

I thought about it and wondered if it was enough to call in for a momentous occasion and then just moments later a worker over the PA system called for a Tony McSquidus to the front Tony McSquidus to the front I thought yeah I should call them yeah that's like that's like putting a little saracha on at the end sure gives it a little kick yeah I gotta give Give it a kick. Pau. Tony, what was it?

Tony McQuidus. McSquidus. That's a great name. Yeah, it is a good name. Sorry, it's just taking me a minute. I was all the way in the back! That's your McSquidus impression? Yeah.

That is kind of what he would sound like, isn't it? It looks like a little weird. I'm coming! Do you all love names over loudspeakers or? I do know, yes. Yeah, this, I don't think, so we, there's some sort of joke that stop podcasting yourself, another podcasting. makes, but didn't make up, where they say A&W stands for hamburgers and woot beer, which is very funny.

Yeah, it's really great. Dave, Dave Schumka from Stop Podcasting yourself. You know, granted, he's often forced to say it. But he thinks it's not funny, mostly because he didn't think of it. Who thought of it? The A&W Corporation? Just children or something. Uncles, something along those lines. But honestly, every time someone makes him say it and then he says it, it's funny to me. Okay. I mean, it's like, Jordan, you would understand this better if you had a son.

Okay. Jordan, if you had a son. Jesse just kicked off. The most exciting part of the show. Jesse, I got to get a son. Oh, are you doing anything to? I'm working on it. Okay.

You know what to do. Oh, yeah. Thank God. Anyway, the hamburgers and wood beer thing, even though it does relate to this year's motto for Jordan Jessica, which is float the boat, which is a sort of combination of... Oh, that's right. I forgot about float the boat. Yeah. So, okay, this call makes a little more sense now.

Not that they need to, but... So it was a sort of, it was a crossover event. Okay. Right. It was sort of like, oh, the hamburgers and wood beer joke that Dave Schumke invented and thinks is funny. Uh-huh. And then the float the boat. Right.

That was a slogan for... 2026 to encourage people to keep on motoring and bail out the water. Sounds kind of like motivational speak. Oh boy have we been doing that shit this whole time? We basically invented that shit. Man, I had no idea. We're inspirational figures.

Wait, Jesse, are people paying you $2,500 per episode and you're just not cutting me in on it? Yeah. Is there like a bunch of diamond members? I mean, VIPs are paying me $25. Can I get a little taste of that? Geez, please. I'm not getting college credit for

this fucking show. I'll give you access to my program. Yes. Perfect. And then expedited sign up or something. The name at the end is just a little extra juice. Yeah, I love it. It's just enough.

Miskwitis is here to, yeah, to give flavor to the soup. I feel like we need to Google him. It's like Bayleaves. You know, like you say, I don't know what Bayleaves taste like, but if you don't put Bayleaves in, Then you're going to miss it. You know, I think that about nutritional yeast.

I don't think I don't really know what it does. It's a little cheesy? Yeah, it's just good riboflavin. Good riboflavin. B6. What are you putting this on? Popcorn? Oh, yeah.

Always. I put it on a lot of stuff. Salads. You're putting it right on a salad? Oh, yeah. How does it taste on a salad? Savory. All right.

Yeah, try it. Okay. Try it. Beans. So you put it. Are you putting on top of beans or are you cooking the beans with it? Both. Okay.

Keep up. If you just put it in. Keep up, bitch. Keep up with the yeast bitch. Christian, would you Google McSquietas? What's this guy's name? I was looking and I am not finding anything really. Interesting.

The closest I got is Tony McQueen. Have you ever been at the airport and they say a famous person over the loudspeaker? Like, Shailaboff, your flight is taking off. No. No, but it'd have to be an unmistakably famous person's name. Like shy above. Yeah. I heard Rebecca Romaine.

Imogen poots. Yeah. Putes to the counter. Your car is being towed. You know her middle name is gay? Oh my gosh. Imaging gay poots. Yep.

Wow. That was a really tall order. That's a fun discovery. Yarmir Yager. Who's that? A hockey guy. That's funny. A hockey guy.

He might be flying. Three guesses. He would hate to fly now because there's no leg room. Oh, boy. Yeah. Don't get me started. Yeah. And this guy's wearing his skates and his pads.

He's got that stick. Yeah. And of course, the puck. And of the end of, don't get me started on that puck. And the ice. Yeah. And the ice. I was, I'll be a little bit cagey to save the reveal here.

But I was, I was traveling in a beach town near San Diego last weekend. Okay. And I saw a store with a great name that I thought would be a good character name for something. The next time you're in a, Beachtown near San Diego and you're craving a little sweet treat, why not hit up their ice cream store, Scoops LaHoya? Cute. What's cute?

I think you could write Scoops La Jolla into one of those Spidey Man's. Yeah, yeah. Okay, yes. The next time I need a character for Spider-Man, and they don't have to be, like, sinister or anything. Do you think Scoops La Jolla... But yeah, do we get sued by the ice cream store, I guess, is the question. But does Scoops La Jolla?

have to be in the ice cream game or in the journalism game. I was thinking like a meter maid. That's a good Scoops, La Jolla. Lovely Scoops, meter made. Yep, sure. Here comes New York City's hottest meter maid. Check out the yaboes on Scoops La Jolla. Jordan, you do that for all the meter maids.

Oh, yeah. Give me a ticket. Break me off a scoop of that. Oh, scoop it right in my mouth, Miss La Jolla. Jordan has a fetish for three wheeled vehicles, true I do. Like segways? Segways. I call it trichen.

Okay. Christian, we got another call in there. Hey, Jordan, Jesse. And guest, this is Glenn from New Jersey. I'm just calling because I was wearing my Brontosaurus Jordan Jesse go shirt to the grocery store, you know, as one does. And as I'm walking up to the cashier, she goes, I'm going home after Jerry, Jesse, whatever, and proceeds not to talk to me and for the rest of the time. So I guess you can't even tell people about Jordan Jesse go, even if you're wearing the shirt because they clearly do not want to hear it. Love you guys. Thanks. So was she talking to Gary? I think she was talking to a coworker,

and she thought the shirt said Gary or Jerry Jesse Go. I mean, I'm willing to change the name of the show to Jerry Jesse Go. I mean, do we have a Jerry who can slide in here and replace me? I just assume. Jerry McIreier. That's a good idea. How about Jerry Hollowell, like the Spice Girl? Oh, the Spice Girl.

Oh, that would be. A little more representation. Yeah, no, you're right. You're right. Representation does matters. It matters. We want, listen, I want Spice Girls to, like, listen to this show and see themselves in it and hear themselves in it. But this sassy checkout woman was saying to her coworker, oh, once Jerry whatever the fuck.

Right. It's like, you know, if Jackie's wearing a pink hat, we would say, like, you know, once pink hat gets checked out. How dare you? I'm sorry. It's a great hat. How dare you? It's a great hat. It's a great hat.

It's an Airwant. Hat. Speaking of grocery stores. More like hat paycheck. Anyway. I've heard those smoothies are good because they got hats in them. Get your money's words. Cairwalk jokes about hats. It's good.

Haley Bieber's hat juice. I never really been to the heroin. It's an expensive grocery store, I think. I just love the color pink and it called to me. It's great. The hat looks great on you. Yeah. Impulse by near the register they get you.

You're a vivid winter, I get it. Yes, exactly. Bold winter. Jerry's to replace me. I'm a warm autumn. I can tell. Jordan, what's your color profile? You know, I don't know.

I've got to get my ass to Long Beach. You might be a bright summer. Do you think so? Or a muted summer. Is it like, it's like colors that look good on you? Yes. Okay. None.

None. I'm not, colors me. We call that a corpse. Yes, exactly. Yeah, no season. I have passed away. You're like black sack on head. What a terrible result.

Sure. Hide under bed? Okay. They come all the way along beach for this. If you, if something momentous happens to you, like you get berated for your shirt while you're just trying. You're just trying to buy some wriggly spearmint gum. I'm trying to double your pleasure. Do they still have big red?

Oh, I don't know. Good question. You know the big red freshness last right through it? I've gotten really into that. Your fresh breath goes on and on. While you chew it, say goodbye a little longer, make it last a little longer.

Keep your breath so last and freshness with big red. Duh. Use as directed. Don't put in butt. Not to be used orally. Keep it out of there. Too spicy for comments.

It's too spicy. spicy for your butt hole. I feel like nothing's too spicy for my butthole. Wow. That's what Howard would I talk to you about. Ever since I got that VIP package at the Tony Robbins thing, I think I can do any fucking thing. If something momentous happens to you,

here's what you do. Take out your phone. You go open your voice memo app. You record a little thing of yourself saying it to us what it was that happened to you. Then you email it to Christian. Christian's email address, JJGo at maximum fun. J.J. Ghost, that stands for Jordan

and Jesse Ghost. So it's easy to remember Maximumfund.org. That's our website. It's just that easy, folks. Can I add something? Christian has something to add? Yes, Christian. I love you guys. Not you guys, but I mean, the listener generally. Yeah, but I love them too.

Please keep it under one minutes. I get very long ones, and we can't play ones that are longer than a minute. Christian, you can edit them. I don't want to. Yeah. He doesn't want a listener. It's fair. Keep it pithy.

You know, we used to always say keep it pithy. That used to be a thing we said. We used to say keep it pithy. I have been remiss because I've been so busy asking Jordan if he has a son. Yeah, and that's going to great. Everyone likes it. I have stopped saying keep it pithy, so I'm going to bring back saying keep it pithy. Please do keep it pithy.

But most importantly, don't not call in. You have to call in. You have to call in because we only have, what, six, eight listeners. Yes. So you have to keep calling in. if you don't hear yourself on one episode, you have to call for the next one. If you get a little bit of a different aspect that time.

Oh, that would be fun. Like a Mid-Atlantic thing. Yes, exactly. Oh. Yeah. Yeah, same. Do like a, New York.

Do like a gangster. See? We're guys from the thin man. Yeah. The Finnman films. Yeah, maybe in one of them you could say fill them. Sure. Or Mia.

Yeah. You know what? Or you could do like your best Borat. Oh, that guy's hilarious. Yeah, yeah. My wife. Yep, there you go. I can't do it.

My son. My son got to get the son. That's really good, Jordan. Yeah, it's got to be a Italian war hat. I got to get it a son. That was really good. I'm from the Kazakhstan. Jordan.

Hey, Christian, can you do me a favor? Can you clip that for Jordan's real? Thank you, yeah, clip that. I'll make sure. Lauren, call me. For SNL. Send it to Lauren Michaels care of SNL. Yeah. So yeah, let's take a break so Christian can send that to Lorne.

And then maybe we'll come back and wrap it up. Right. Attention new season. Sure. Chloe Feynman replacement. Topical. Sure. We wish her well with her Hulu show and then podcast, which is what happens when you leave S&L. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. In 26, our comedy podcast, Sawbones, is one of the most reputable sources for medical information. Does that make me feel great? No.

No, me neither. But I do like to think we're doing our part in making sure that we're fighting the pseudoscientific misinformation that has pervaded modern society. Yeah, but we're doing our part over here on Sawbones every week, a marital tour of misguided medicine. It's not all serious stuff. We're still getting into all the wild, weird ways we used to try to heal people over the years. But we're also trying to keep tabs on the evolving situation. Yeah, we can talk about drinking raw milk and eating mummies. It's sawbones.

That's right. It's sawbones. It's every Tuesday. And it's on maximum fun.org or wherever you get a podcast these days. On Judge John Hodgman, the courtroom is fake, but the disputes are real. Brian would say, I'm the Gumby of this family. He's just not. Claiming to be Gumby is an ungambi-like claim.

No, it's just... Gumby and I being our authentic selves. So what's your complaint? Too many sauces? There are no foods on which to put the sauces. Have we named all the sauces on the top shelf yet? Not even close. You economize when it comes to pants. Truly, it's not about the cleanliness of the pants.

Well, why isn't it? This is what I want to know. Judge John Hodgman, fake court, weird cases, real justice. On maximum fun.org, YouTube, and everywhere you get podcasts. La La La La La La La It's Jordan Jesse Go I'm Jesse Thorne America's Radio sweetheart Jordan Morris Boy detective And I'm Jackie Johnson

The Sequin Detective What are you bedazzling? Yes What are you bedazzling? Anything Is No You're not wearing anything

Be dazzle with Because bedazzling is with rhinestones Right I don't want to be a That's true Sequining Is not the same as bedazzling sequencing sequence. That's what we call it.

Okay. Are you sequining one sequin at a time? Of course. Well, I don't know you could be putting on sheets. Artisanal. By hand. Small batch. Cichel. Local. You got your start working in Bob Mackey's studio. Of course. On costumes for share. Yes. I was a mailroom assistant and I worked my way up.

One time I went to Bob Mackey's house in Palm Springs. It was fucking great. Oh, wow. It's just a nice old man. Were there sequins all on the floor? Best friends would we share. What have you sequined in your time? I haven't personally sequined anything, but do I like to buy them? Yes.

Oh. How are, do we know how sequins are attached? So she lies. The truth comes out. So she thinks she can't put a black bag over my head. It's all out here on the table. Or charcoal since you're in autumn. The black bag.

Yeah, maybe like a rust. Yes, perhaps. Like a rusty red? Yes. That's a good. Something with a little more of a warm tone. Or like a less, not super yellowy orange. Mm-hmm.

Like a... Yeah. Or mustard yellow. Yep, like that. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I know my colors. Mm-hmm. Black.

An olive. I don't think is in your palate. Yeah. I think I shouldn't be wearing this black too. Black is only in winter. Really? Yeah. Okay.

Which is... Who knew? How about, should I be, like, tie-dye, houndstooth? What do you think? Houndstooth is hard. Busy patterns. Hounds-toothes. I think, go past.

I'm accepting the challenge. I think a light blue. Hmm. I think that might be it for you. Okay. That's why I think you're a summer. A baby blue? Uh-huh.

Okay. I think you might be a light summer. You know what? I'm with Jackie Johnson from Natchbeaut. Okay. I don't think I'm going to do it. No. I didn't follow it because I'm like, I'm not going to buy a whole new wardrobe based on

what this Long Beach Shoreman lady tells me. You know? Sure, she goes to the original Roscoe's house of chicken and waffles. So that's just because he lives in Long Beach. Exactly. Yeah. She's probably been to San Pedro. She's probably been to San Pedro.

She might even be friends with Mike Watt. Maybe. Hard to say. Maybe she knows Cameron Diaz and Snoop Dogg. Sure. Long Beach is. To famous. Nick Wiger.

There you go. Was this woman Nick Wiger? Yes, yes. Was this Nick Wiger? It was in a way. All right. In a wig. Well, once again, the truth has been revealed. Always.

From congenital liar. She's, the truth, she's ugly, but also quite beautiful. You know what? Congenital liar would be a good, like, I'm Jackie Johnson, congenital liar. Mm-hmm. I like the genital in there. Yeah. Genital.

You never hear singular genital. Makes you think of a dick. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's always genitals. Exactly. Where's the genital? Right. Well, me after that.

It's right here after. They have one out of three. Sorry about that. That's okay. The three genitals are penis ball and ball, right? Sure, yes. Penis ball, other ball. So I only have one of those.

Well, we've learned a lot today about what the three genitals are. My dog has genital. Your one genital? Yeah, Junior has genital. He rolls over to show me genital all the time. Where did the rest go? We took them away from him. I did the same thing to Gary.

Because we didn't want him to make new dogs. I wanted Gary to stop humping everything. Did it work? It did. But it was graphic before that. Oh, yeah. He was a humper. He would ejaculate.

Oh, my. No. He fully would ejaculate on my coffee table. And it ruined your photo? He was hoping the coffee table? Yeah, he's a little dog and I have a round coffee table and he would fuck like a stuffy, like a toy and then he would fully like come fucking the table no no no he would you just fucking on the table i have video of this it's graphic okay um it's on my oaf so yeah it was really

jarring he was a baby he was my son it's like walking in on your son sure our girl dog mabel the dog when we got her she was young and frail she wasn't like a baby but she was like she was an adoption dog you know, and she needed to get more stronger and healthier before she could get spayed. Yeah. And that's when we found out that when you have a girl dog that's not spayed, they got to go around in fucking diapers. They have mencies. Mency. Yeah.

So you got to put a fucking diaper on your dog. Is this what all purebred dog owners are doing? Yeah. They're just having a diaper on their dog? And you have to make sure they do not get out because they're horny. And they let everybody know it. By doing what? They spread their legs and lay there and moan.

Provocative Instagram posts. Exactly. You up? Yeah. All over there, O-F. Mm-hmm. All over there, O-F. Suns out, Bun's out. It's actually W-O-O-O-F.

Oh. Do we wrap it up? Wrap up show? That was good. That was very good. Yeah. I mean, it's a good show overall. Did she get her bone density up so she could get space?

And she got spades. Yeah. We don't have to put her in a diet anymore. We'd do that for Gary too. We didn't want. They made me wait till he got more dense. Yeah, my dog Jr. is plenty dense. Yeah.

You tried to teach this guy to sit? Oh, he won't do it. We're just kidding. You're just crazy. I don't want to get canceled. No. Okay. By my dog Jr.

He listens. For saying he's dim. Yeah. He's pretty dim. Christian Duenas is the producer of our program. Jesse Jr. Thorne is my dog. Mabel Thorne is my other dog. Our theme music is Love You by the Free Design,

courtesy of the free design and Light in the Attic Records. Jackie's solo show, How to Get a Second Husband. Available on Canopy Now. Wow. Is actually going to be available on Jackie's Patreon? Yes. That's not a joke, so we want to emphasize. You go over there and purchase it and enjoy it.

Yes. And let us know what you think. It's very funny. I've seen it. It's great. It is Jackie's real life, crazy stuff that happened to her. That's right. But with a funny life coach character.

That's right. Lots of laughs. Everything you could ever need. It's a wonderful time at the theater. Thank you. Love you by the free design. Join us on social media's. Look, I'm on TikTok now.

Whoa. Teach me how to duggie. Teach me how to ducky. There you go. You know how to ducky. I will teach you how to ducky. Jackie's duggian. She's duggian.

I'm going to teach you the Harlem Shake. I'm on TikTok. I just post a video. Go wind jamming with me in Maine. Go wind jamming with me. Wow. Yeah. That one's a soothing video.

And we're both on Blue Sky. Jordan Jesse Go is on Blue Sky. We're on Facebook. Christians on the screen distracting us by teaching us how to Dougie. There it is. There it is. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jesse Go. Baba buoy.

I'll hug you and kiss you and love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Maximum Fun. A worker-owned network. Of artist-owned shows.

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