Jordan, Jesse, GO! - I’m Sorry The Dutch, with Guy Branum

Episode Date: February 22, 2024

Guy Branum is back on JJGO talking about various pasta shapes, doing stand up in front of House Democrats, and prunes. Please pre-order "Youth Group" on Booksoup and get a signed and personalized message from Jordan Morris! Please keep it PG-13 but feel free to make it weird! DIRECTIONS: When you are purchasing it on Booksoup, at the end of the shopping cart page you can write what you want Jordan to say in the section that says “Use this area for special instructions or questions regarding your order."Style that makes you feel as you as you look—get started today at Stitchfix.com/JJGO.For a limited time, you can get $30 off the first box - PLUS free Croissants in every box - when you go to Wildgrain.com/JJGO to start your subscription

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hey Jesse. Yes Jordan, how can I help you sir? It's just the guys in here, right, today? It's just us guys, Jordan. Just us guys, quaffing some brews. Hey Matt, you a guy out there?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm guy-ing it up here. Our guest. Yeah. Well, let's bring, because today's for the guys. Since it's for the guys, our guest on the program, a brilliant stand-up comedian, writer, and actor, as well as the number one game show host on the entire Kelly Clarkson program. Guy Branum.

Hi, Guy. Hello. Good to be here. I'm so just one of the guys. I am a person with a uterus who went undercover in high school to do journalism about what guys are like. Wow. And I've just stayed undercover.

Just one of the guys. Guy, I love it when we saw your boobs at the end. I'll remember it always. Like I was saying, just the guys here today. Guy Branum is one of the guys. Guy Branum, first of all, his name is Guy. Second of all- I didn't intend for that when I started the, it's just the guys thing.

I just want to point out. Second of all, Jordan- It's a fun little bonus. Jordan, while you and I were busy prancing around doing high school theater, Guy Branum was on the fucking football team. I was. Masculinity. Sent messages that I didn't understand from other people who were pissed at me

because I didn't understand them. Ah, being a guy. Guy Branum, you just didn't have the brains to memorize that playbook. No, no, I really, really didn't. Collision low crossers. Collision low crossers, Guy. It really is like information and intelligence are so culturally specific. What a great way of learning it that I could not learn football.

So, one of the guys. Yeah, I'll get to my thing. I just wanted to mention, my pull for a football play is always Statue of Liberty play. Oh. Is that real? That is a real play.

Okay. But it's like a novelty play. It's like an old-fashioned novelty play. Gotcha. I think I either got it from Looney Tunes or John Madden football, the Sega Genesis game. Yeah, I feel like it would be something that would have been in the finale of whatever the 1980,

like a Bad News Bears, but about football. They would have run the Statue of Liberty. Are you saying Wildcats, where Goldie Hawn has to coach a football team of Nair do-wells because her father was a football coach? Wait, how often do-well? Nair. Nair.

Wow. So which is the guys here? Just us guys. Let me ask you. And of course, Goldie Hawn. The specter of Goldie Hawn. She's always here in spirit. In our hearts.

Actually dead? I don't know. Is she? She's alive.'s always here in spirit. In our hearts. Actually dead? I don't know. Is she? She's alive. No, she's around. Good for her. That's great. Somebody used to root on Kate Hudson.

Yeah, that's true. Yes. Come on, Kate. Get in there. And of course, her delightful brother, Oliver Hudson. Fun social media presence on that guy. He's a fun follow on. Oh, I'm not following.

I should follow. Oh, you really must. Yeah. Does some, he'll show his buns every now and then. Oh, cute. He'll do like a far away photo of the buns in a kind of a fun way. So we're, it's the guys. It's the guys. Just us guys. Let me ask you this. Yeah.

What's your favorite clue? Wow. What's my favorite clue? What's your favorite clue? Do you want me to go first? Yeah, go ahead. It's got to be dropped matchbook. Okay. That's good. That's pretty good. A lot of people will say footprint.

Right. And if you're going to pick footprint, more power to you. It's a classic clue. I like dropped matchbook. And I feel like it's something that's, I mean, with the rise of vaping, edibles, I feel like the matchbook is going away and I feel like we are losing a really classic clue. Yeah, because that's something you can follow. It's got a phone number and an address right on there that you can follow up directly.

Uh-huh. And I think it's a great clue for many reasons. I think one is that it encourages the detective can go have a drink during the workday. That's fun. Always great. You can expense it. And patronize a local business the workday. That's fun. Always great. And you can expense it. And patronize a local business. That's true.

These detectives love small business, guys. I mean, it really is. It's a way of life that is rooted in a different economy. Trying to wrap our heads around Dashiell Hammett's San Francisco. The sheer number of business owners with interests. The sheer number of importer-exporters just doing their own work. Yeah, a lot of people whose job involves prying open a crate with a crowbar. Love a crate with a crowbar.

Is Matchbook the best clue? Is there a better clue? That's a great clue. I mean, for me, and you guys probably know this about me, but around age 13 or 14, I went through a big Spencer for hire period. Oh, wow. Oh, I didn't know that. I never watched the television show Spencer for hire,

but I read a bunch of Spencer novels. Oh, wow. My dad just had them around, so I read them. I just would read whatever my dad handed to me because he was done with it. And I read a lot of spencer novels they're real easy to read real fun uh so i'm gonna say a call to your answering service i'm gonna say your answering service took a message yeah i mean that's a great opportunity for people to

misrepresent themselves and by people i, I mean femmes fatales. Sure. Yeah, I mean any kind of femmes. Yes. Yeah. I, of course, immediately went with footprint and then was shamed out of it. No, no. I mean, I don't want to be a clue hipster over here. No, but I'm going to say a person using a word that they would not use based on where they say that they

are from. Oh, wow. Now that's a clue. That's a clue. I mean, it is more sort of like specific. It's a late stage clue where I feel like what both of you guys are getting us are like very beginning of the story. If I were in an Infocom text adventure, I would really know what my second location was

after one of those. Infocom, are you listening? Put Guy in your text adventure. I think that's interesting. So this would be like, do you call it a greenway or a median? Exactly. She said that she was online

despite the fact that she claims to be from Boulder, Colorado. I like this. What do they say in Boulder? Inline. Inline. Right. And then you got them. Yeah. They say surfing the superhighway in Boulder. had very little exposure to mystery novels. I think it is the best and coolest kind of writing. And I also am in love with the whole world of fun detective shows

that existed when we were children, like in the 1980s, that we don't know how to make now. And I feel like the Suits of Scents should really be pushing everyone to ask ourselves the question, do you have a Scarecrow and Mrs. King in you? Right. Do you have a Jake and the Fat Man in you? So you're saying the Suits of Sans should lead to some sort of monk vival.

Yes. There is a monk. There's a monk vival. There's a new monk, right? There's a new monk. There's a new monk movie. Shout out to Andy Breckman. I think he's maybe come on Jordan Jesse Go sometimes.

I do a little bit think that Tony Shalhoub should be nationalized. I just feel like he is a limited resource and can go in a lot of places. I just rewatched Big Night and I am sort of like, where is our prestige, Tony Shalhoub? I would like a little bit of that. Sure. Big Night is a real treasure of a movie. Yes. And it's so hard to look at it now, almost 30 years later, and just be like, Tucci and Campbell Scott didn't really make the follow-up. Watching people get caught up in the business and not get to make the next thing that they should have made from their hearts is very sad.

Yeah. I'll tell you this. Stanley Tucci came in to do Bullseye maybe a year ago. The Tucci's yoked. Oh, yeah? The Tucci brings it. Really? Yoked and has a, I mean, interesting that he also has a passion for Italian food yet

manages to stay yoked. I have no idea. I mean, if you told me nothing about his his manner suggests this, and I observed no bacne. But if you told me the tuch was juicing, I might believe you. Some people got a liver that can do the job. You know, some people got a liver that can process it. They drink a lot of water. They take care of those kidneys, and you're not going to see the bacne.

Okay. You're talking about the bacne, not the spaghetti. No, no, no. I'm talking about the ability to process exogenous hormones, which, you know, look, we live in Los Angeles. Turns out some people are on exogenous hormones for one purpose or another. Some people, I think, are juicing, Jordan. Have you seen these show business guys? Oh, yeah. I think some of these, are juicing, Jordan. Have you seen these show business guys? Oh, yeah.

I think some of these guys are juicing. They probably are. Check the back. That's what we got to do. We got to check the backs. Which brings me through that. I'm going to go through CT on the challenge to the question that is on the tip of everyone's lips these days. Who's watching the traitors?

What's the traitors? Oh, so I'll let you know. I'll take you through my traitors okay please guy um i did uh ashley ray's podcast tv i say great podcast ashley ray is terrific um and we're talking we're talking peacock on the show uh she and i both big big big peacock boosters and i i know she was passionate about Traders. This is a show. I'm a PBS living guy, just so you know. We all have our favorite streaming services. Matt pays for Chive Plus. Right?

Big Chive guy. Love Chive. Love Fail Army. Love it when videos are funny, and that's it. Me too. So Traitors is a TV show version of a game you play in high school drama club during the cast party.

Okay. There is not it's like werewolf or mafia but they've given it a kind of salt burn aesthetic. Does that mean anything? What is a salt burn? I haven't seen salt burn either. It's kind of a... I know, if you said there was a salt bay aesthetic...

Well, well, well, it's kind of a grave fucking mansion show. Got it. So this is hosted by Alan Cumming, who is dressed insanely and glamorously.

He's doing drag as Deborah Carr from 1966 Casino Royale. Wow. Are you familiar with Debra Carr in 1966? No, I've never seen 1966 Casino Royale. It's just the broadest possible Scottish performance. Okay. He is pronouncing murder. The sauce he ladles on top of the word murder is thick and creamy.

I would say Alan Cumming is the number one streaming game show host at having a touring cabaret show with one of my news colleagues from National Public Radio. I would also say that... Wait, him and Ari? Yeah. Yeah, they tour together. I guess Bob Garfield. Yeah, that would be great. It was Bob.

Just... Alan Cumming sings his songs, Bob just... And then Alan Cumming just takes it home. Anything goes. Alan Cumming had one of the most, to me had one of the most to me one of the most magical stretches of public radio that i've ever heard and it may be that it has gained power in my memory but i feel like alan coming went on fresh air with terry gross and just talked about the like length and breadth of his fuck lifestyle.

Where he just, this, I mean, and if you were Alan Cumming, you would too. He's beguiling. He's famous. Yeah. And he frequents places where people are DTF. The pure comedy of Terry Gross is Terry always taking the stance of, I'm down. I get it.

You want to know who understands hip hop? This Philadelphian. She's generous spirited. She's open hearted and open minded. And I do love when somebody is like

I'm going to yes and that Terry Gross. I'm going to take you on this journey. Alan Cumming takes takes her fully to the Hamptons except it's

I guess probably to Fire Island where there are just complicated sexual webs that he's spinning, just building beautiful structures out of the crystalline threads of his semen. That's got to be in the archives somewhere, right? Fresh Air Archives on the interviews. Freshairarchives.com. Yeah, so this is a game show where people play mafia or Werewolf or Murder, whatever you call it. Speaking of regionalisms, and they play it in a giant Scottish mansion. Yes.

This is like you scratch someone's palm secretly. Yes. It is like a drama nerd's evening's entertainment being stretched out to 12 episodes. You're like, how on earth could this be entertaining? And the answer is, what's your favorite type of reality show person? Athlete. Professional athlete playing sports. Wonderful.

So you get to see them fight with a real housewife and a bachelor. And someone named Johnny Bananas. Yes. And see who is better at lying and cheating. And the answer was this season had one athlete who left respectfully after like four episodes because he did not want to lie. And that's beautiful. I have to tap out of Dancing with the Stars for I do not dance.

I find it sinful. I'm from the Flashdance city. Flashdance, what am I thinking of? Wrong 80s movie. A Dirty Dancer? No. Where's the town? Footloose.

Footloose. Thank you. Yes. Yeah, anyway. I don't think we needed to spend that much time on this. Not that funny. But Traitors, yes. So here's my experience with it.

One, I did resent that they were playing the drama club wrap party game, but they weren't going to Denny's afterwards and making a lot of noise and not buying anything. Jordan, Olive Garden. Well, yeah, we all had our place that... Yeah, well, Denny's doesn't have unlimited salad and breadsticks. That's true. One person orders a meal, Everyone else just eats breadsticks. I guess that is probably the superior place

for the drama club after party where you sing Rent and Don't Buy Anything. Yeah, over there at the Stonestown Galleria. Teenagers drunk on not having an adult there making them be a responsible human being is one of the great joys in life. At your drama club after parties was rent, right? We're all kind of around the same age.

Yeah, it was pretty much rent. Although, Guy, what did they play at the football after party? I am too old for rent to have been around in high school, I think. And we didn't have after parties. Everybody just went home. Like, we had to have a high school play, but you don't get to enjoy it. That's where those big city Sacramento fucks.

Yes. Right. And no, actually we did go to Lions though. After the play, we did go to Lions and do exactly that. What's Lions? Lions was just like a- It's like a Red Robin kind of thing. It's like a Red Robin situation.

Bottomless fry basket? No, there were corn fritters though that were very good okay um so yeah well anyway so i decided to watch a little bit of traders to chat about it on the show um alan coming great aesthetic of the show great i just i just didn't like anyone i just never locked into anyone where i'm like i'm rooting for this person i didn't know the people from the it's like a mishmash of people from other reality shows. You need more minimum contacts so that you had some way to start feeling your way around.

Because I do feel like I've never watched Below Deck, but Kate from Below Deck has truly won over my soul. And I think that's because I understood a Phaedra, I understood a Ceri, I understood a Parvati, and I could, you know, I understood a Parvati, and I could start sensing my way around. I literally, the other day, I had glanced at

the popular website, X. I'd go there once in a while to type in the last guest who was on the show, or whatever, and I saw that Phaedra was trending, and I whatever and i i saw that phaedra was um uh was trending and i i literally clicked on it thinking

oh did something happen to tangerine dream truly believed in my mind that this was about weird experimental electronic pop music from the 70s. But, Guy, you're all in on Traders. Yes. Okay. It is. Well, it's also fun to have a TV show where you're like, it's Thursday. I get to watch a thing on Thursday.

Must see TV. Yeah. Remember? Those were the days. That shit stresses me out. That's why I find me on fucking PBS Living watching Craft in America. I mean, it's hard because I do spend the rest of my life. Just,

I've been forcing my way through all of real housewives of Atlanta. Now I'm watching the most recent jeopardies available, which are five years old. And it's just, you know, there is something nice about swimming in a place outside of time. That's what we all learned to do during the quarantine. But there's something so beautiful about having a show

that brings you back to the now. I can understand that. Although I will say, in my defense, that yesterday when I was watching Craft in America, there was a guy who made breathtakingly beautiful piñatas of terrifying creatures from Hieronymus Bosch paintings. Oh, wow. That's a craft.

Now, that's PBS. Get that guy in a mansion with the real housewife. See who slaps who. He was very sweet. I did get super into dancing with the stars this year. Really? This is the year to do it, Jordan. Well, I mean.

Finger on the pulse. Yeah. No, I firmly believe going into a reality show 20 years in is amazing. I, like, 2015, 2016 decided I was going to watch the first season of Survivor. Oh, yeah. And then I took down a lot of Survivor. Okay. But, like, you know, we understand the form now.

Who have you fallen in love with on the show? So I got very into the comeback story of Ariana from Vanderpump Rules. Okay. One dances like an angel. Yes. And I, you know, I don't know. Angels are, to be fair, better known for their heart playing. You're right.

We've covered this. You're right. And I don't know Vanderpump from a gas pump, okay? Okay. Thank you very much. Matt, title of the episode. Just wanted to let you know. Thank you so much.

You're welcome, Matt. Write that down, Matt. Writing it. Start making the t-shirt, too. So, you know, and I did grow to root for her because she was cheated on. I don't know if you guys followed Scandoval. The Toms.

One second. Hey, Matt. Yeah, what's up? I don't know Vanderpump from a Manolo Blahnik pump. Okay. I think that's a... You want both of them?

I think that's a step down. I'm sorry. Okay. Laterally. Can you... Well, first of all, Jordan can say that. Okay, Jordan is one

of the stars of the show. I don't know. People like me a lot. People are really loving Matt on the show, Jesse. People are really loving Matt on the show. So I think we probably should give him equal say. I just want to take a moment to step back and say, do we want to be shaming Dutch Americans in this way?

I know. Do we really want to be just taking aim at them? I just want to say we're going into an election year and those conservative Dutch people in Western Michigan are rough. They can go either way. And I don't think that it is a time to be alienating them from the coastal elites. You're right. I've been focusing on trying to pander to the Pennsylvania Dutch who are not Dutch at all. It's just a weird example of, I guess, early 19th century racism that they were called Dutch.

I don't know. Should I make a shirt apologizing? That would be great, actually. Okay, you got it. No, we're sorry. And that'll just cover- Sorry, the Dutch. Every week, can you just make an apology shirt for us?

No problem. Do a notes app apology and post it to the Twitter account. Oh, I love it. Yeah. So, you know, I didn't follow Vanderpump, but I did grow very invested in Ariana's journey throughout Dancing with the Stars. So maybe I could lock into somebody from Traders, a housewife or a Johnny Bananas. I mean, it's truly amazing.

A couple of weeks ago, Phaedra pulled off some amazing stuff and the, the. What? No, in all sincerity, what's Phaedra? She's a, she's a lady from GIFs. I've learned from clicking on the thing, but I didn't- She's a real housewife of an Atlanta and an attorney and a mortuary owner. She does it all. Triple threat. She pulled off some rhetoric.

And then afterwards, John Bearcow, the former speaker of the British House of Commons, was like, that's amazing. How did you pull that off? And it was just like so wonderful to see these disparate creatures. I would think of anyone that I know, you would be the one most likely to watch Real Housewives questions. Yes, absolutely. And like so many gay guys who were like, why is this British politician on this show? Last week were like declaring him mother, declaring him, you know, the C word. Oh, right. Yeah, I did. I did. In the in the episode or episode and a half that I did watch, I did find it interesting that there was a disgraced British politician.

There was a disgraced British politician in the group? A hundred percent. Just with various housewives and Michael Jordan's nephew? Right. Yes. It's a good show. It sounds like a good show. Does it have Rod Blagojevich at all? It could.

But honestly, I think it could do better than Rod Blagojevich. I don't know that he has. Of our disgraced governors, I think we have ones with more personality than that. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's fair. What would you say are our top 10? What's his name from New York?

Elliot something or other? Elliot Spitzer. Elliot Spitzer. That's a good one. I think that's charisma. I think that's uniqueness or intelligence. Yeah.

I think Anthony Weiner launched a podcast not too long ago. Oh, really? I bet he did. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know. That guy's uniqueness driven talents. I think Anthony Weiner launched a podcast not too long ago. Oh, really? I bet he did. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know.

That guy's certainly disgraced. I'll tell you that much. Stick that guy in a mansion. See what he... Make him play a little Heads Up 7 Up. I don't know. That's a show.

On the subject of Congress people, can I tell you a strange story? Oh, I'd love to. Last week, my manager was like, the House Democrats would like you to come and perform for them for free. And I was like, what?

And it turned out that they had spent a lot of time trying to get John Mulaney to come and perform for free. And it pulled a lot of strings with the Emanuel brothers and they had not worked. And so their Hail Mary pass was asking me to come. And so last week I spent three days job shadowing the Democrats of Congress in a closed resort in Northern Virginia. And no one took the time to say, you can't talk about this publicly. Wow. Wait, wait.

So you were job shadowing them to roast them later? I just like, it was like a resort. And all of the functions of the resort were stopped because Congress was there or just the Democrats. And so like the restaurant room service, like that stuff wasn't going. So my only place like to eat was like

their buffet. My only place to eat was watching them fight with each other about what messaging is going to be for the upcoming like election year. And then I did 20 minutes of stand up. I've always thought this about her. AOC can put

away the eggs Benedict, right? She's not afraid of that Hollandaise. She'll take a Benny to the dome. What were they like as an audience? They were surprisingly lovely. There was no press there. And like, as you know, it was like people at tables they had eaten at two hours before. So like a bad sort of audience.

The middle of the audience had like gotten up and left. I had eaten at two hours before, so like a bad sort of audience. The middle of the audience had like gotten up and left. And so they were – I thought that they would be very bad, but I made pandering jokes. I had spent two days with them, and so I had learned enough about them to make pandering jokes that were for them. Do you have what killed? Oh, I said about like the Senate twink who got railed in the offices. I remember that twink. Hiram, Jesse, you got to keep on top of all the news twinks. A guy from Maryland?

Sorry, I'm focused on NPR twink Alan Cumming. I mean, she hasn't been a twink since a while. She has the build. Ellen Cumming. I mean, she hasn't been a twink since a while. But, like, I may... She has the build. No, truly has the build. Has the build, and there is a timeless twinkness to anyone who has played the Master of Ceremonies in Cabaret. But a twink got railed...

The lithe physicality. A lithe physicality. A twink got railed in a Senate hearing room, and I made a joke about how Nancy Pelosi would never allow that, and Nancy was very charmed by that. As well she should be. Nancy Pelosi gets it. That's what they call San Francisco values, Jordan.

She can laugh at herself. She was in the Pride Parade 1982 or whatever. Well, no, I feel like she just, you know, like gays being in everyone's office is something that only happened in the last 10 years. And maybe some of, you know, these senators don't realize they need to say, hey, boys, not on the carpet. And I would say that Nancy's been having to say not on the carpet for decades now. Who were you like most excited to meet? Like it was a very strange situation because there are things going on in the world right now

and they weren't paying me. And so I was like, I will end by telling them what I think they should be doing with things in the world right now. And I was very scared after. Somebody would be like, cut his mic or something like that. But they listened and laughed. And afterwards, a couple of them were were like you should not have said that. Wow. You told them

to make Zaslav release Coyote vs. Zachary, right? Yes. Make Batman kiss the Joker. That's from last week. If our tax dollars are paying for the coyote, we should get to see the coyote. Thank you. We want to see

the coyote. But, you know. A ceasefire between the coyote and we should get to see the coyote. Thank you. We want to see the coyote. But, you know. A ceasefire between the coyote and the roadrunner. I mean, can they broker the deal? If we weren't paying for those Acme products, would he even be able to threaten the life of the roadrunner that much? These are the questions we should be asking. I'm standing and applauding right now.

But then I look down and oh the clip's not there man this is why matt's in charge of my jokes um how was the buffet oh the buffet was like solid it was the kind of exactly bb plus that you want from public servants spending government money. Like it was not excellent, but it was fine. It really took care of the job. What are we what kind of foods are we looking at? Because I'm going to be frank with you. If I'm at a buffet, what I would love to see is stewed foods because they work. Braises.

Yeah, sure. Show me some braises. Well, I would say that the Democrats are, at the end of the day, a big tent. And so that there was sort of like provision for a variety of needs. Like it was, we generally had a fish option going on at all times. There was like a very good like West Indian curry chicken the last night that I was there. And I was like, this is doing the job. This chicken is not overdone.

And then there was, the last night that we were there, there was like a pasta station and people were really living their best pasta station life. That's fun. What happens at a pasta station? Do they got a variety of sauces?

Yeah, you pick your noodle. Yeah. Pick your sauce. Yeah. And then add-ins, right? Yes. Am I kidding you? It's been a while for me.

Like mochi and Reese's Pieces? Yeah. It's like a pink berry. I never thought about it until this point in time, but a pasta station is fundamentally a swindle. They're just pouring. It's just, oh, you can get a different shape of pasta. Right.

It's not like an omelet station where you really can go into a new experience and adventure can i tell you two pasta concerns that i have they're they're parallel complementary uh uh concerns one is i'm i'm concerned that people want me to know what pasta shape is what and why. Two is I'm concerned that I should know what pasta shape is what and why. Like, I'm not sure whether I should be mad at the people who think I'm, who are mad at me for eating linguine instead of penne. But I'm also worried, like,

what if the fact that I can't really think through what sauce goes with what shape is really fucking up my pasta life? I think this discussion that you're talking about, this became a little bit of a meme thing last year in the kind of world of Die Hard is a Christmas movie. of Die Hard is a Christmas movie. A kind of like, a when someone who is fun but not funny wants to do a thing, they like break down the best pasta shape. And there was some viral thing where it was like,

we've created the ultimate pasta shape. And then that started pasta shape discourse. Again, I could be wrong about all, I'm like half remembering something from the internet, you know, six months ago. But I think this became like one of those fun things to argue about that's fun for a couple minutes and then everybody kind of seems like a

dick at the end. You know these things? And also just like truly something that most of us don't know that much about. Like anyone purporting to know a lot about it is probably wrong. Can I tell you who knows a lot about it, Guy? Who? The Tucci.

Oh, I'm sure. Surely Tucci's fucking levels of expertise on this matter are off the charts. I bet. But I would like to say to you, there is one prism and one prism alone through which you should be seeing this issue, and that is the YouTube series Pasta Grannies. Are you familiar with Pasta Grannies? I'm sorry, no. Pasta Grannies?

This is a YouTube series, you said. It's a YouTube series where- Are you familiar with the Pornhub series Pasta Gr's? I'm sorry, no. Pasta Granny's? This is a YouTube series, you said. It's a YouTube series. Are you familiar with the Pornhub series Pasta Granny's? I don't think so. Find a paywall. It's Pornhub Plus. I've only seen women make cream pies on that website. Thank you.

Thank you. Action. Reach it. Guy Branham. Real high fives in the studio. Sorry for Guy Branham. Sorry for Guy Branum. Sorry for Guy Branum. But Jesse, listen to me.

British people go and they make Italian women in their 90s make the pasta of their locality. So, you know, in Bologna, it is like, you know, egg pasta with fat sauce. And I just watched one that was from, like, Calabria, and it was literally a lady making pasta with breadcrumbs on top of it. Wow. Can I say, I've eaten breadcrumbs. I've made bread pasta with breadcrumbs on it. It's fucking hella good. Yes.

And the thing is, is, like, the simple truth is, all of them are calling very similar things, very different names. And I think the simple truth is, is that like one lady three doors down is probably calling what one lady is calling linguine something else, you know? And it's like, it's a magical complex world. But just seeing all of these ladies rolling shit out on their tables is just a great pleasure. Can I double back to the Pornhub thing? Yes. Yeah.

Have you seen these ladies rolling shit out on their tables? I think I was going to say, oh, I think I've seen that on Pornhub, but it's called Pasta Stepgrannies. Hey. We'll be right back. Yeah, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy, detective. Jordan, Jesse Goh this week, of course, is as always brought to you by you,

the listeners of Maximum Fun, specifically those who have become members of Maximum Fun. Thank you to all of you who've gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. MaxFunDrive, I'm starting to see it over the horizon. We got a lot of cool stuff planned. Yeah, we're already planning our bonus content. There's a ton of bonus content for all the folks who go over to MaximumFun.org slash join. We got some doozies for you this year. We'll be announcing those a little later on. We're also supported this week by the good people at Wild Grain. Ooh, I love my Wild Grain. Wild Grain is awesome.

Here's what they do over at Wild Grain. It's the first ever bake from frozen subscription box for sourdough breads, fresh pastas, and artisanal pastries. Can I tell you something I did the other day? Oh, sure. I made a bolognese, which I had never made a proper bolognese. I had made like a meat sauce, like a red sauce with meat in it. But I made a proper bolognese, which is like a distillation of a distillation. It was a beautiful uh beautiful sauce and then i

thought to myself oh i got wild green pasta in the freezer and that's the good stuff i was like i don't need to use dry pasta i got the good stuff in the fridge in the freezer i made it you know it's it's it's ready to go it's ready in like 10 minutes or whatever. And having perfect fresh pasta with this sauce that I worked my butt off on was, oh, it was a joy. The sourdough bread is amazing. I love the croissants and the pastries. Great dessert pastries. Great breakfast pastries. I love to put one of those croissants in the oven in the morning.

20 minutes. You pop it out. You make yourself a little egg sammy on a hot, fresh croissant. Oh my gosh, that's good. Yeah, that's tremendous stuff. I love having the sourdough on hand. I'm a real sourdough snob.

I love having it on hand for when I need that special third piece of a special dinner. Put some of that good Irish butter on there. Oh, I love it. For a limited time, you can get $30 off the first box plus free croissants in every box when you go to wildgrain.com slash JJGO to start your subscription.

You heard us. Free croissants in every box and $30 off your first box when you go to wildgrain.com slash JJGO. That's wildgrain.com slash JJGO, or you can use the promo code JJGO at checkout. We're also supported this week by the folks at Stitch Fix. Stitch Fix is a great service that gives you a personal stylist. Jesse, I never thought I would have a personal stylist. I mean, you figured maybe, maybe, maybe if you were nominated for an Oscar. Sure.

I could have a stylist for, you know, a weekend or something like that. Yeah. But there's Stitch Fix. Here's what they do over at Stitch Fix. You take a fun style quiz. You give your stylist your size, your style, and your budget preferences. A box of clothes comes to you. Everything fits great.

Everything looks cool. It's what you asked your stylist for. You keep what you want, what you don't want. You put in an easy envelope that they include right there. Take it to the post office. Ship it back. Keep what you asked your stylist for. You keep what you want, what you don't want. You put in an easy envelope that they include right there. Take it to the post office. Ship it back. Keep what you want. Send back what you don't.

I feel like I always harp on this, but it is so easy to return the things that you don't want. It really is. It almost seems not real. Like, the envelope is there for you. Like, as I was returning, I got some clothes for my kids. There's a couple things that weren't quite right. As I put these things in this envelope, I was like,

I don't even need to click on a link in an email and print something out. No. You just shove it in there and shove it out the door. It is amazing. It's a dream. Yeah. Stitch Fix is a blast. We love them and we love when they support our show. Style that makes you feel as good as you look. Get started today Fix is a blast. We love them and we love when they support our show. Style that makes you feel as good as you look.

Get started today at stitchfix.com slash JJ Go. That's stitchfix.com slash JJ Go. Stitchfix.com slash JJ Go. Stitchfix.com slash JJ Go. We've also got a message up on the Jumbotron this week. That's where we like to share messages from our listeners to our listeners. You can always get a message up on the Jumbotron at MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. This one is for Camille from Andrew.

Happy birthday, Camille. I am so happy you are in my life and I cannot wait for our next adventure. You're a badass vascular surgeon and I'm so proud of you. Let's make the next year hard as a rock and wet as a river. I love you always, Andrew. I don't think surgeons should listen to Jordan Dessigel. That's my personal opinion. It seems there's something about it seems wrong.

That's always kind of a fun thing in TV and movies when the pro surgeon is always listening to something. They got a little tick like, this one loves the blues. This one's always listening to classic rock. I don't know. Dumbass podcast. That's a fun tick for a surgeon, right? Scalpel. Scalpel. Wario.

Cum jokes. Cum jokes. Yeah. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron go to maximum fun.org slash jumbotron happy birthday camille it's also possible that badass vascular surgeon is a metaphor or inside joke of some kind it could be i would find that more comfort comforting i'm worried that what if we did something what if we accidentally did something funny and the knife slipped yeah you know what i mean let? Jesse, let's continue not doing anything funny.

We will save lives that way. You know what? I think we've been committed to that for over a dozen years. I should not doubt our commitment to that. No one will die on our watch. Jordan, what's going on with you in book world? Yes, I have a challenged issue, if you wouldn't mind. Oh, wow.

All right. So for our bubble- Are you listening, Danielle Steele? No, I'm not challenging Danielle Steele. She's the king of the romance novel. I will not be challenging her crown. Hey, Danielle Steele, I challenge you to have a desk that's made to look like a stack of your own books.

Guess what? You just lost that challenge because Danielle Steele has a desk that looks like a stack of Danielle Steele books. Everybody should Google it. It's amazing. It's really cool. For our bubble graphic novel, I did something really cool

where if people pre-ordered through a certain store or ordered from a certain store, I would sign and personalize their books and by personalize, all bets are off, right? Yeah.

Any fucking dumb thing you wanted me to write in the book, I'd write in there. Right up to the line of Nazi shit. Like, no Nazi shit, but like right up there. Yes, exactly. So I had a lot of fun with that. And a fun little part of that process is that the pre-orders are handed to you

by a nice nerd who works at an independent bookstore, and they have to read these all off to you. So just a nice glasses nerd just has to go, Okay, this one's for Ben. He wants you to say, What does Wario's butt plug look like? And then you have to kind of explain to them that you have a podcast. It's really a lot of fun. I am going to do a similar thing for our upcoming graphic novel youth group

the ya or comedy available uh in july uh if you pre-order the book through book soup here in los angeles one of the great indie bookstores one of my favorite bookstores uh love that we're getting to support them with this if you pre-order through through BookSoup, I will sign and personalize your book. Any dumb Jordan, Jesse, Go shit you want, I will write in the book with a few exceptions. I'll get to those in a second. I'm excited to hear about what the exceptions are. So I would say this. Because it is a YA book, nothing dirty.

So no swears. Let's try and keep it PG-13. Gremlins are below. Gremlins are below. Gremlins are below. But it can be as weird and crazy as you want, as inside jokey as you want. When I've done this with other things, it's a real race for who can be weirder. The Jordan Jesse Go people or the Good Mythical Morning people. Oh, right.

Yeah. Now. Sounds like a challenge, daddies. It's a challenge, daddies. The Good Mythical Morning people want some, right. Yeah. Now. Sounds like a challenge, daddies. It's a challenge, daddies. The Good Mythical Morning people want some weird shit, but I think the Jordan Jesse Go folks can come up with some even weirder shit that does not include the word shit because this is PG-13. I just watched a visit on Good Mythical Morning from your friend Cotton Candy Randy. Yes. And he said he has a mouse he keeps in his sock.

That's true. That's a good example of something that Jordan would be willing to write inside one of these books. Yes, absolutely. So booksoup.com is their website. We're going to throw a link in the description for this show. You can just click that right there.

Go to booksoup.com. You support a great indie bookstore. You get it shipped anywhere in the world. And yeah, you get to have some dumb shit written in the book by me. And yeah, Jordan, Jesse, go listeners. I think you got this in you. Out weird those assholes. I believe.

And if you're a Good Mythical Morning listener, I love you. You're not an asshole. Yeah. And if you're a Jordan, Jesse, go listener, which you probably are because you listen to Jordan. Check out Good Mythical Morning. Jordan and Matt both go on there and it's fun. Yeah.

I'm having a hard time stoking this rivalry because I want to be nice to everybody. Well, I mean, both Good Mythical Morning fans and Jordan and Jesse Goh fans are famously conflict intensive. Right. It's like Red Sox fans and Yankees fans. Oh, boy. Don't get me started on these alphas. There's a lot of battery tossing in those communities.

So, yeah. Check out the show description. Go over to bookstoop.com. Pre-order a book. It really helps us out. And yeah, make me write something dumb. I would love to. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, was a couple years ago I watched him do a headlining stand-up set. Wonderful work. Yes. Anybody gets the chance to see Guy do stand-up. Couldn't be a greater joy. I would say a solid 30 minutes of this set was talking about going to gay porn parties. Mm-hmm. And it's just a lifestyle that's so mind-exploding to me.

just a lifestyle that's so mind exploding to me. Not even so, I feel like making gay porn seems very normal to me relative to a bunch of people from the porn industry having a party. Yes. Those feel like, that feels... They have birthdays, Jesse. I know. They're people, sex work is real work,

and they have birthdays. And they deserve a little cake. First of all where do you get the invite? Friends of friends. And do they say this is going to be a porn party or do they say this is a standard party and then you get there and you're like these people

have an interesting aesthetic. They say insert name is having party and you of course recognize that name because you are familiar with them from gay porn. Though the other fun thing about a gay porn party is that everyone introduces themselves with their gay porn name, and then five minutes later tells you their straight porn name, and then five minutes later tells you their legal name. I mean, I say boy detective at parties. How's the food compared to a House Democrat event?

I have never eaten the food in that situation. I mean, the story that- Eat before you cum. The story that Jordan is referencing- Thanks, Jordan. Is about the fact that my friend Calvin at this party in San Diego kept sneaking to the bathroom. Oh, I wasn't teeing you up Comics Unleashed style. I thought this was Comics Unleashed. No, I wasn't teeing you up, uh, uh, Comics Unleashed style.

I thought this was Comics Unleashed. No, I wasn't. That man is going to buy Paramount. Yeah, I know. Have you ever done Comics Unleashed? No, I haven't. An old manager of mine convinced me to do it, and it's, like, the most embarrassing thing. Like, um...

Comics Unleashed is a show hosted by Byron Allen, who's a syndicated television multi-quajillionaire. It turns out that if you don't pay union wages to entertainers, you can make a good bit of money. Yeah. So this is a show where some people have been running forever. It's on syndicated TV at night. And it's basically just him reading off a card, like pretending he's talking to people but actually he's reading off a card a setup to a chunk of their act yes it's uncanny to watch people like i watched joe coy one time on it and he like got up and did a large physical act out and i was like

no here's the whole point of it is that you're sitting down talking to each other what are you even doing what's amazing to me about it is it is truly as leashed as comics could be and there are new episodes they look like they were shot on your dad's camcorder they have not upgraded to hd cameras on comics unleashed um it is it is uh truly amazing. But to take this out. Yes, absolutely. So, Guy, I've heard that food at a gay porn event can be interesting. My friend Calvin just kept going to the bathroom. And you would assume that he was fucking or doing cocaine. But people were fucking and doing cocaine out in the open because it was a gay porn party. And so it was truly what were you doing.

open because it was a gay porn party and so it was truly what were you doing and at the very beginning the husband of the gay porn star who had had us had shown us like he was just like we're not LA folks we're just simple folks and there were some turkey pinwheels and some

pineapple upside down cake from Costco and we got a lot of coke you know we're not take a bagel dog, do a bump. We're just simple. And, like, it was truly so sweet, and it was, like, lovely to, in the same way that seeing, like,

members of Congress be real friends with each other, seeing porn stars just be like, you know, we just want to do some cocaine and chit-chat. Yeah. And it's just doing a rail real quick, then having a sip from their pink Stanley. Yes. And grabbing some of those Kirkland brownie bites.

A man showed me a fleshlight and explained that it was based on him. Wow. Yes, and offered to show me, and I was like, no. I believe you. How do you make that mold? I mean, I can't even imagine.

Like, here's the thing. I mean, the Greeks had their wax system, but we lost that. I bet it's like one of those things where it's like, they show you how long Jim Carrey spent in the chair to be the Grinch. You had to put some straws in your nose for some reason. Like, I truly, I feel like, you know, like a in the chair to be the Grinch. Get to put some straws in your nose for some reason.

Like I truly, I feel like, you know, like a dildo or other phallic sex toy that's based on a famous phallus. Right. That one, I can see it. Right. You know, you just, you just, you just take the erection enhancing medication. Yes.

Then you go ahead and slap that putty on either side and then... Get yourself a magazine. Yes. Play some Marvel Snap. Wait for it to dry. But I feel like when it comes to orifices, custom orifices, that feels like tough work for the sculptor. Sure.

Just saying. But, you know, everyone suffers for their arts. Yeah. That's a good point. We have a- This is not a momentous occasion. No, I was going to say, it's the time in the show where we listen to a call from a listener. Yeah, and we have you call us, 206-9844-FUN, or jjgoatmaximumfun.org.

And we have some set categories, of course, Momentous Occasion, Moments of Shame. Sometimes people call in with a segment from the show that we've created. Right. And it's not just an excuse for them to call in and say something to us and then say at the beginning that it's a segment that we created. Of course. It's always something that we did the hard work to do. Many segments. But Matt says he does not know what bucket to put this in but wants to play it because of the enthusiasm

and how could we say no? Passion. He said it vibrated with passion. Let's hear this mystery call. Hey Jordan, Jesse and guests I want to say Jeremy Albertson I

know who that is. Hold on. Can you pause? That's probably just like his best friend from back home sure the guy who owns Vons you probably bet somebody 50 bucks that you get that he could get Jeremy Albertson onto a popular podcast here we are jokes on you though this is Jordan

yeah okay sorry don't know who that is we'll look that person up Matt play the rest of this call About otters using tools Grabbing rocks And smashing up clams Which is, yeah, good for them Super cool, whatever You ever heard of new Caledonian

Crows? These boys They know how to tool, let me tell you what They don't just Take sticks and fish around, like poke around in wood for grubs and bugs and whatnot. They craft hooks and spears and lockpicks meticulously. They teach their young how to do this. And they are in the Stone Age. Literally, literal Stone Age, like, by definition. Not these otters that may be using stones, but that's not

what a Stone Age is. It's, like, the construction of tools by combining two things together or, by combining two things together or, like, refining something, right? Yeah, research shows that these guys also just get intrinsic pleasure from using tools and solving problems. We have a line on the intrinsic pleasure of crows? Corvids will inherit the earth. Mark my word. Your time is limited. This was recorded live at thatids will inherit the earth. Mark my word. Your time is limited. This was recorded live at that party, by the way.

I mean, everyone there uses tools. Yeah, this... A guy named Crank Thompson just did a rail and then went, let me tell you about New Caledonian Crows. Hold on, I have to finish this slice of party sub. Okay. First of all, the elephant in the room is this. Right.

I hate crows. Oh, wow. Because they're always planning something. They're always up to something. I don't know what it is. I don't have a line on what their intrinsic pleasures are, but apparently science does. So it seems like I should find out from science if I can get a readout or something. This is what my tax dollars are going to?

Measuring crow pleasure? Kind of get a bead on where they're at. So this bigotry, does it apply to all of Corviday? Like ravens, rooks? The soft bigotry of crow expectations. Great question. Great question. Oh.

I mean, like- I'll never tell. That's the best. That's very good. I'm making a shirt. I'm already printing it, baby. Great. This is a merch heavy episode.

And I'm really just going to go ahead and ask that you never expect me to do anything that good again. Oh, yeah. It's all downhill from here, FYI. Are there any Harbingers of Doom that you do enjoy? That's a great question. Well, I got no problem with horsemen. Okay. Horsemen are great, especially if they do like... Have you ever seen somebody do charro, you know, like Mexican?

Yeah. That's great. That's a lot of fun. It's amazing. Maybe it's bad for the horses. I'm not a horse person, but it's very exciting to see. What about Unexpected Cool Breeze? Unexpected Cool Breeze in the nighttime?

Oh, that's a great question. I mean, I'll tell you this. I never expect to hear Cool Breeze's smash hit Watch for the Hook featuring the Dungeon Family. And I'm always happy when I hear it. Silver Surfer, Herald of Galactus? I'm not crazy about Silver Surfer. Although, weirdly, I like Joe Satriani. I don't care for her.

I do probably like Joe. I don't think I know the connection. I'm loving it. The famous Joe Satriani album had Silver Surfer on the cover. Oh, neat. That's how I remember it. I was in middle school at the time. Silver Surfer for the NES was so hard I could never get beyond level three

but the music was so good. That's Joe Satriani. Underrated NES classic. Joe Satriani could really fucking rip on some chip tunes. Michael Jackson did a bunch of the Sonic music, uncredited. Joe Satriani, Silver fucking rip on some chip tunes. Right. Yeah, just like, Michael Jackson did a bunch of the Sonic music, uncredited. Joe Satriani,

Silver Surfer for the NES. Man, how come we don't ever do anything? So there's so many licks. How come we always get credited for everything? How come we don't do everything uncredited? Sure. Maybe we should just start, let's just start saying we did different shit uncredited.

That'd be great. What would be, I wrote Spencer for hire uncredited. There's no such thing as Robert Parker. There are cheat codes on GTA San Andreas where you can change the radio so it's just Jordan and Jesse but doing characters. Right, yes. Doing conservative talk radio characters. Yeah, we're not in the credits um uh let's

see what did i do i started that viral argument about pasta shapes i'm the guy yeah i just thought it'd be fun for like guys who like to talk about stuff to have something else to talk about is there a viral argument that like really has warmed your heart that you were were positive about or do you generally hate them as a species the way that Jesse does with crows? Oh, that's really interesting. No, I mean, I don't hate, you know, I hate the way people go in on them and the kind of like intensity that people come at you with.

Any fun memories of the dress? The dress was fun. The dress brought me distress. Okay. I'm not opposed to the argument over it. I just, I don't, like, A, number one, I'm not open to scientific explanations. And A, number two, I'm terrified that it's real. Like, I'm terrified that something could look different colors to two different people in

that way and then i also don't want anyone to tell me why that would be because that's just as upsetting certainly not a fucking crow thank you thank you you know how sometimes people tell you that like ancient greeks or romans said the sky was green or something. Yeah, yeah. Fuck you. Don't tell me that. It's fucking too weird. I can't deal with it. I can't process that shit.

But is Die Hard really a Christmas movie? If you think about it, I mean. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I like, yeah, I liked, you know, I liked that thing this week where some conservative weirdo didn't get Starship Troopers and then everyone explained Starship Troopers to him. That was fun. That was fun. I saw Starship Troopers backstage when I worked at the opera.

Yeah. They called it Starship Hooters. That's what they called it. Oh, yeah. Starship Hooters. That famous co-ed shower scene. co-ed shower scene. It's like, I love that it took us 20, 30 years to be able to properly say, like, it's a fun joke about fascism.

It's hilarious. Come on. I mean, some things kind of pretend like they're a fun joke about fascism that I'm not going to say which presidents. Right. Right. I'm not going to say which presidents, Jordan. But some things might appear to be a fun joke about fascism to some. Right. Not going to say which presidents, Jordan, but some things might appear to be a fun joke about fascism to some.

No, I mean, that's very real. I do think that there has been like strange danger in just sort of like being like I feel like the Gen X inclination to scoff got weaponized in a really gross way that has then brought us to the brink of democracy falling apart. I think there's an argument to be made that the thing that fascism and a fun joke about fascism have in common is fascism. Yes. And you need to hear this, Katie Porter or whatever. Was it only the house? Should we go back in time and blow up the state? So, you know.

The kids in the hall, Mystery Science Theater, we're looking at you. Everybody's out. We're going to erase you from history. The popa is a coming. Remember that?

I'm at the popa. That's so funny. I'm at the popa. And then they spray all the sauce. Oh, nothing better than that. Matt, let's, we're going to take

a little break. Matt, you build a time machine so we can eliminate alternative comedy from the late 80s and early 90s. Okay, you got it. And then we'll be right back for some more. Do you want me to go out on some Counting Crows for Jesse? That would be fun. That would be fun. Yeah.

You can hear him building tools. The following are real reenactments of pretend emergency calls. 911. My husband! It's my husband! Calm down, please. What about your husband? He loads the dishwasher wrong. Please help! Please help me! Where are you now, ma'am? At the kitchen table. Please help. Please help me. Where are you now, ma'am?

At the kitchen table. I was with my dad. He mispronounced those words intentionally. There are plenty of podcasts on the hunt for justice, but only one podcast has the courage to take on the silly crimes. Judge John Hodgman, the only true crime podcast that won't leave you feeling sad and bad and scared for once. Only on MaximumFun.org.

Have you ever wanted to know the sad lore behind Chuck E. Cheese's love of birthday parties? Or my Saturday mornings are reserved for cartoons? Or have you wanted to know how beloved virtual pet site Neopets fell into the hands of Scientologists? Or how a former Mattel employee managed to grow Sega into a video game powerhouse? Join us, hosts Austin and Brenda, and learn all of these things and more at Secret Histories of Nerd Mysteries.

Now on Maximum Fun. fun. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse, boy detective. Guy Branum, crow scientist. Can I just say, I said that you were the number one game show host on the Kelly Clarkson program. In a tone that may have been interpreted as a goof, you have been hosting game shows on the Kelly Clarkson show. It is a great thrill. I came through promoting things nigh on two years ago, and there were some people who had worked on my talk show, Talk Show the Game Show,

who were there and they were like, Kelly doesn't like hosting shows or hosting games. You should host the game. And I hosted a game for her and Scarlett Johansson, and it was a delight, and they kept having me back. And I just, I enjoy games, and I enjoy the gamification of things so much. And Kelly Clarkson plays hard. Yeah, she's really, she's got fucking laser eyes. It's one of those things where,

and I watched her uh competing against natalie portman on your social media and the thing that struck me the most was that kelly clarkson had that kind of laser fire focus of a true competitor like the kind of person who would become as great at singing as she is. But also was like remembering every 10 seconds to like cover it with television geniality, which she, I'm sure is sincere. Yes. But just like. Like her level of sincerity,

like I really think hosting a daytime show is one of the hardest things, like second only to hosting a cooking show. I think Valerie Bertinelli is the most sincere human being on the planet. But, like, she really is that intense. She wants to win. And it's, like, so fun to watch. And it's infectious.

And there is that feeling, like, when you're on at midnight, after you've answered a question or two, it's like, let me step back. But I was on at midnight a couple of weeks ago, and I was on with our friend Marcela Arguello, who has that exact same, like, eyes on the prize. I'm going to win this game. And it was terrifying because I was just like, how do I survive in this situation? I'm with one of the few people who's as aggro as I am, if not more. Yeah. with one of the few people who's as aggro as I am, if not more. Yeah. Now Guy, you mentioned to us before we came in the booth

that you wanted a little space before we ended to talk about prunes. Look, I'm- Oh, thanks for bringing that up, Jordan. You guys have always been really supportive of me and the entirety of the California Prune Board and I appreciate it. I just wanna say that Purim is on the horizon,

we're all gonna be making hamantaschen and I just wanna say, that Purim is on the horizon. We're all going to be making hamantaschen. And I just want to say alongside apricot, alongside poppy seed, please keep pruning your mind. And then also Lindy West in her little newsletter called like the butt news or something like that just released a very lovely and prune inclusive-home recipe for granola. And I just wanted to say, when you are combining the grains and nuts in your home, just look and see, have you got some prunes? They are a fun, decadent treat that can really help take that granola to the next level. I would cut a prune up before I put it in granola.

I was about to ask, would you slice? I thought truly the question on the tip of my tongue was, would you slice the prune? Absolutely. I'm going to slice it lengthwise and then I'm going to slice it widthwise a little bit just to get smaller pieces. But I think they're going to give you some jammy joy inside of that granola. Let me end that some jammy joy inside your toilet bowl later if you don't want to talk about it. I would love to enjoy the joke.

You're going to need to enunciate. I would love to enjoy the joke. You're going to need to enunciate. I would love to enjoy the joke. I don't know what you're talking about. Talking about some Jamie Joy in the toilet bowl, Jordan. Okay, because you're going to shit out the prunes. I forgot for a second that prunes help that along. Here's my question for you, Guy. Yes.

Because I know this is something we covered on a past episode of Jordan Jesse Go. Some listeners may not remember, but Guy is a celebrity representative of the California Prune Board. Yes. California grown prunes, some of the best prunes in the world. Absolutely. Take that, Chinese prunes. Yeah.

So you're not afraid to be jingoistic with reprunes. No, absolutely not. California niche agriculture is the, that's when I get, you know, like chauvinistic. You know what makes prunes great? The profit motive. Thank you, yes.

Sorry, you communist prune fucks. Okay, so here's my question for you. Yes. There's another great wrinkly jammy treat here in the great state of California. Absolutely. I'm referring to dates. Yes. I just happened to have been at the farmer's market,

and of course I stopped by Mr. Ha and picked up some apples and pears from Ha's apple farm. But I also stopped by some local farmers from Indio, California. Oh, wonderful. stopped by some local farmers from Indio, California. Oh, wonderful. And purchased both whole medjool dates and rolled dates. Wonderful. So here's my question.

Are dates and prunes friends or rivals? Like, California is a rich world of dried fruits. We've also got apricots on the table. And I just want to say that this is more joy to be had. This is sweet fun. These are little jewels of different varieties. And the things that you love to do with a date, try them with a prune. The things that you love to do with a prune, try them with a date. Things don't need to be exclusive. And also, to reveal a little bit behind the curtain, the same ladies represent all of the California niche agricultural industries. Like your pomegranates.

I think they do asparagus. Right, right. You know, our like, you know, our lobbyists, our marketing budgets are very much in the same place. You know, anytime you're eating anything that isn't just like soybeans and alfalfa, you're helping out California and we appreciate it. Yeah. Do you hear that? Cows, get your act together. Help out California.

Let's move beyond soybeans and alfalfa. Yeah. Bunny rabbits, who eats soybeans and alfalfa? Well, hey, Guy, everybody should check you out if you're doing stand-up in their town, and everybody should enjoy some delicious dates, prunes, apricots. I have a show at the Elysian that I believe is on May 7th as part of Netflix's Joke. There you go. And I will be in Chicago in June, and that should be on my website, but probably isn't.

And buy some prunes at the supermarket. Yeah. Can I say something about the Elysian Theater? Yes. First of all, I met the director of the Elysian Theater at San Francisco Sketch Fest. She was very nice. Second of all, let me just say,

I got a couple friends who might be doing a show at the Elysian Theater. A couple friends. Let's just say, let's just say one is tall and bald and one is medium and curly headed. Oh, wow. Let's leave it there.

The white stripes are getting back together. It doesn't describe them. That doesn't describe them. Roughly. I mean, that's about right. I think either of them is bald. Yeah.

Meg was bald. Meg was bald. And Jack had his famous perm. If you guys insisted that you were brother and sister, I would be like, I think that that would do a lot for the pod. People are like, are they married? Are they? What is the deal? Yeah.

I think that's fun. Yeah. Anyway, I'm just saying the Elysian Theater is a great comedy venue here in Los Angeles. Whether you're going to see Guy Branum or maybe you're spending some time with some of your favorite entertainers, more TBA. Just saying, TBA. TBA, TBD, TSA. THC. THC.

CBT. CBT. And CCBY. Guy Branum, CBT, what does it stand for? Cock and ball torture. There you go. Okay. What does it stand for? Cock and ball torture. There you go. Okay. It could also stand for cognitive behavioral therapy.

It's a topic of confusion and one we have a lot of fun with. Yeah. Also, both ways to learn to show up on time. There you go. Yes. Thank you. Yes. There's a calendar in your phone.

Use it. Matt Lieb's a calendar in your phone. Use it. Matt Lieb is the producer of the program. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Our thanks to them. Join us on Reddit, maximumfun.reddit.com. By the way, Jordan, they're starting to pour in. Yes, I refer, of course, to iReddit on the internet.

That's right. Our new signature segment where something magical read it on the internet that's right our new signature segment where something magical that happened on the internet is related to us and then we relate it to you this is what i want most is i want these little my favorite is reddit posts my favorite is these reddit posts that that in a matter of six sentences or five sentences conjure an entire mystical and baffling world you know what i mean like it's sure like reddit is full of reddit is full of sort of you know gifs of people doing something crazy or whatever but i love where the text just really speaks to a singularity of vision on the part of the person who wrote that paragraph.

That's what we're looking for. Send them to us at jjgoatmaximumfund.org. Or, you know, I've started a thread on our Reddit at maximumfund.reddit.com where you can post them. Check it out there. It's really great. I want to hear about more things like that harpist who was worried that his, whether it was legal, his landlord blamed his harp for the elevator breaking. Okay. We're on Instagram at jordandavidmorris at put.this.on. We're on Facebook at facebook.com slash jordandjessigo.

We'll talk to you next time on jordan jessica i'll hug you and kiss you and love you love you love you love you maximum fun a worker-owned network of artist-owned shows. Supported directly by you.