Jordan, Jesse, GO! - International Waters Ep. 3: Exploding Draculas

Episode Date: May 10, 2012

Jordan, Jesse Go! is off for the week, so instead here's an episode of the newest MaxFun podcast, International Waters. Andy Daly, Erin Gibson, Humphrey Ker and Margaret Cabourn-Smith compete for their nations’ honour in the pop-culture quiz show where land laws do not apply. With special guests Kurt “Explodo” Andersen and the Guardian’s John Crace.

Hey, Jordan, Jesse, go listeners. It's me, Jesse. We don't have a new episode for you this week because we are in the midst of moving to our brand new maximum fund dot org world headquarters. Yes, that's right. We've got a new office. However, I thought that in lieu of a new episode of Jordan, our colleague across the pond, Colin Anderson. It's a comedy quiz show called International Waters. This is our third episode. We're really proud of it. We think it's really hilarious. You should subscribe and listen in iTunes. Here is a sample episode. Enjoy it. Hello and welcome to International Waters. I'm your host, Jesse Thorne. In the mid-1960s, America experienced a British invasion. During this period, American teens went crazy for mop-topped rock bands from the UK.

While they were making their mark on popular culture, they were also laying waste to the American landscape. laying waste to the American landscape. Bands like the Beatles, the Animals, and the Dave Clark Five destroyed crops, defiled monuments, and emitted toxic clouds that still hover over certain parts of the Midwest. The Queen has yet to issue a formal apology for this British invasion, so we're going to settle the score here today by making comedians compete in a pop culture quiz. Playing today for the U.S. of A, a nation whose main export is reruns of Baywatch, a writer and comedian who has been seen on NBC's Parks and Recreation and Current TV, in addition to hosting the hit podcast Throwing Shade, Miss Erin Gibson. Hey, Erin, how you doing?

Hi, I'm not good. Can I talk about it? Oh, no. Yes, yes, absolutely. Please do. By all means. We always like to start every show on a sour note. I'm doing wonderful.

Thank you. Erin, I'm really excited. Later this month, I'm hoping to attend your Los Angeles stage show, Entertainment Hollywood, and i have seen the still shots the promotional stills for this show and you are as orange in this show as a human being could possibly be like beyond news anchor southern california news anchor orange like approaching carrot colored orange it It's nearly Snooki. It's actually, that's the bottle color.

It's called Almost Snooki. Tell me, like, what do you have to do to get to that state of entertainment show skin color? Well, we have a makeup artist who sprays us like Silkwood style. It is that dramatic as well. Do you have to be scrubbed down with steel wool? You actually do because if you put tanner on a body that's got dry skin, it will collect. So you have to exfoliate really hard and then you have to be sprayed by another human being as close to naked as you can get. Close to naked as you can get. Also representing the majestic Purple Mountains of the United States of America, famed improv comedian. You might know him from Eastbound and Down on the Home Box Office Network, Mr. Andy Daly.

Hey, Andy, how you doing? Hi, good. How are you? I'm doing okay. I was reading about your career using internet. Oh, sure. And I learned that you're going to appear in a feature film called Everybody Loves Whales. No, but it already came out. They changed the title to Big Miracle.

Oh, boo. Sorry, man. Is it about Wales, the country? No, no. Cultural misunderstanding. Nobody loves whales. You see, this is why this podcast works. It's hilarious comic misunderstanding.

What are these whales of which you speak? No, it's a movie about whales that got trapped in the ice in Alaska in some effort to save them. And things to that effect. And I haven't seen it. It does sound like a big miracle. You know what? Yeah. The only reason I didn't see it is because they changed the name from Everybody Loves

Whales. Everybody Loves Whales. They should have kept that name. Yeah. You know what the problem was? They found a couple of guys that didn't love whales. In the focus group. Yeah.

And legal made them change the name. They're not coming anymore. They were just like, we cannot legally stand by that title anymore. They were doing some, they were doing some, they found some like comment cards at a mall in Van Nuys. Yep. Just sorry, guys. These two do not love whales. They're fine with dolphins.

They just don't. The problem is they don't think mammals should be underwater. Doesn't make sense to them. doesn't make sense to them uh playing for the nation whose mcdonald's serves something called fish fingers is an actress and comedian who's appeared in the it crowd miranda and peep show margaret caborn smith hello margaret hello i've come with the most english name i could possibly find i know you should be you should be a character on Downton Abbey. We should just put Dowager Countess before your name and then you're in business. Margaret's actually the most common female name

in the country here. It's really trashy. It's like a white trash name. No, it's not trashy. But it'll only be for a few more years because all of them except me are like 90. So they'll die out soon and I'll be the only one. But for now, it's actually very popular.

It's the most popular name among cartoon characters that are English ethnic stereotypes. Yeah, sure. That's what I meant. Really bad teeth. Margaret, I gave... No, Margaret's got great teeth. They're fine.

Yeah, they're fine. Let's not go overboard. Tolerable teeth, Cable and Smith smith they call it that's under skills on your acting cv solid teeth yeah they wouldn't work in this b to b minus um margaret i gave all of your like high quality prestigious acting credits or some of your high-quality, prestigious acting credits, or some of your high-quality, prestigious acting credits in your introduction. They're all sitcoms still. You are also acting in a series of advertisements for filing your tax returns on time in England at the moment.

Yeah, with a legend of broadcasting. Wait, who's that? Moira Stewart. I presume it's Regis Philbin. I would be surprised if Moira Stewart has made it across to the States. Yeah, all right. She's like the Dan Rather of UK tax return adverts. I've got you.

Yeah, okay, so you've got that. Is she the kind of person who's well known for filing her taxes on time? She's just very authoritative. And much loved. Much loved, yeah. Beautiful speaking voice. Do you audition alongside, what's her name, Moira Smith? I had to sign something saying I wouldn't even mention her name to anyone when I did the audition.

Are you violating your contract right now? No, I was in that like three years ago. It's an international waters exclusive, guys. I get to remind myself every year that I'm failing to file my tax return. And yeah, all my friends hate me. Joining Margaret on the show is an actor, comedian, and the winner of last year's prestigious Edinburgh Comedy Award, Humphrey Carr. Hello, Humphrey. How are you, sir?

Very well. I broke my leg two days ago, but otherwise, A-OK. Oh, no. Did you end up with pins? What, do you got a cast? I've got the best broken leg imaginable, which I've cracked my fibula, which is a sort of bone you don't really use in your leg. So I get to tell everyone I've broken my leg and I have a really badass limp. It's a sort of, yeah, pimple.

But otherwise I'm fine. Yeah, a pimple. We have unnecessary bones in our legs. Yeah, there's like a spare one in case the main bone's down, switched to the back up. That's great to know. It really just protects against collapses. Is that what you're saying?

Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's just, it collapses. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's just, it's kind of, if you really smash up your leg, you can get to a hospital and then they put in a new one. Humphrey, my crack research staff, and by crack research staff, I mean my own late night Googlings, have revealed to me that you have appeared in a certain amount of what is known as slash fiction. Oh, yeah. This is this for those of you who aren't hip to the online.

The groove. Well, Humphrey, I'll let you explain what it is. What happened was another comic called Matthew Crosby, very funny guy, check him out, Googlers. Actually, don't, because you'll find a lot of disgusting slash fiction about him. Would you guys say that this guy is sort of the Dan Rather of slash fiction comedians?

Someone tell me who Dan Rather is. He's a Morris Stewart of the United States. Yeah, so Matthew sent me a text saying, words to the effect of, holy shit, have you seen this? And directed me to Twitter, where someone had sent a message to him saying, oh, I've just been reading some pretty racy fiction about you and Humphrey sort of kissing, cuddling,

whatever it is. I don't know. I don't want to get too British about this, but it's all rather awkward. And yeah, I went onto this website and there's kind of someone somewhere, bless them, it's how you know you've arrived, has been writing some super graphic stories

about me making sweet, sweet bone time with a series of my friends. And it seems that the majority of Slash is written by ladies, but it tends to be about fellows making mummy-daddy time with other fellows. And yeah, it's pretty eye-opening and anus-opening stuff.

He is blushing, genuinely. I'm blushing, yeah. I am quintessentially English. Wow. That's called slash fiction. I don't know. Actually, I think I have a theory, which is... It's interesting, though.

What are you going to be in some slash fiction, Marjorie, about Axel and Slash having sex? Oh, that's bad. Yeah. I think it's something like that. As usual, I am in neutral territory. I have renounced my citizenship. I am on board my luxury recording yacht.

And again, as usual, I'm on the run from international authorities, having been caught this time trying to sell nuclear-grade plutonium to the government in exile of Tibet. Specifically, I'm embarrassed to say, His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama. We are currently two miles off the coast of Antarctica, and if everyone takes just one second to get really, really quiet,

you can hear the sounds of penguins frolicking. Wait for it. Hold on. There it is. They're very quiet frolickers. Thanks for being here, everybody. Okay, so in the past, we've picked buzz in words on behalf of the nations of the United States and the United Kingdom. However, I feel that this time around, we're going to give an opportunity to the U.S. and the U.K. to pick their own buzz in with that most exemplifies the values, ideals, dreams, and lives of the 250 or 300 million or so Americans. I'm being crushed by pressure right now.

That much? How about obesity? There you go. Okay, fair enough. Well done. And for you guys in the UK, you're representing a slightly smaller group of people and a slightly more faded empire, but certainly grand dreams.

We've still got the Falklands, all right. That's pretty sweet. By the time this goes out. Yeah. Standing strong. What word would you like to use to buzz in? Falklands let's use this platform to start really getting some pink back okay sure sure yeah okay

so for this episode of international waters us you'll be buzzing in with obesity, and UK, you'll be buzzing in with Falklands. We're going to start the show with our pop culture warm-up, What's the Story? I'll be asking our teams questions about a variety of recent cultural events. They'll be awarded two points for correct answers and one point for incorrect answers

that please me. Since having buzzers would anger the penguins, England, please buzz in with your buzzword, Falklands, and America, please buzz in with your buzzword, obesity. Will do. Ready, steady, gang? Oh, yeah.

Very much so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, deceased rapper Tupac Shakur recently appeared at the Coachella Music Festival as a what? Obesity. Oh, the United States of America. It was a hologram. Yep.

That is absolutely correct. Can we have some questions about British rappers, please? I'm pleased that the answer was a hologram because anything else would have been... Appearing dead. I mean, it's pretty scary. As a fly-wreathed corpse. Please welcome... Oh, my God.

This is terrible. Fly-wreathed corpse. Oh, my God. I want that to be like my sign-off for my email. We put a wreath of flies on the door every year at Christmas time. It was actually really good that he appeared as a hologram because while they don't check for regular guns

at the door of the Coachella Festival, they do check for laser guns, which is the only way that you can murder a hologram. I saw it. I saw it live. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I was there. What was it like? It was very disappointing and sad and I felt really icky. Oh, no.icky and hey that's

pretty much what they were going for i think yeah they wanted people to feel icky he also floated in a weird scooby-doo like way oh no great if they pulled back a curtain and were like old man johnson Old Man Johnson. Here's our next question. Pippa Middleton was recently involved in a scandal. Sorry, sorry. Pippa Middleton was recently involved in a scandal when a passenger in her car pointed what at a member of the paparazzi? Falklands! Do I need to name the type of guy?

The UK is really excited to answer this Pippa-related question. The first one! She's the one thing that's putting us on the international map. They're like nationally obliged to take an interest.

Yeah, and her butt. Yeah, I know it was a gun. Do you know what sort of... You're a big fan of guns. It wasn't her butt, was it? Oh, God. She'd been to a dwarves and strippers party.

She's living it up like a sort of 17th century French monarch by hiring the deformed to entertain her. Wait. It's a dwarves and strippers party? Yeah, it was a dwarves and strippers party. It was in France. It was in France. Oh, not Italy.

We had nothing to do with it. And she pointed a gun. It pointed a gun, wasn't it? Yeah, I'm going to give it to you. It was actually, believe it or not, a fake gun. And who knows why anyone who isn't a six-year-old had a fake gun. But apparently someone in Pippa Middleton's party did have one. That was the party that night was dwarves and fake guns. Rotated the strippers out.

Very exciting. And then strippers and fake guns, and then back to strippers and dwarves. Ongoing party. Okay, here's our next question, folks. Francis Lawrence, the director of the Keanu Reeves angel-themed action movie Constantine, will direct the sequel to what hit movie currently breaking box office records? Obesity.

Oh, United States of America. With a guess, The Hunger Games? That's absolutely correct. Wow. That was good. As of this taping, The Hunger Games has grossed nearly $350 million, making it the most successful child murder-themed film of all time.

Well, for now. I've seen adverts for it, but I thought it was something to do with the Olympics, and they were some kind of London-based. Oh, yes. The Bland Olympics. Modern heptathlon, isn't it? You run, And then you shoot

Someone with an arrow Yeah Right Is it about It's about preteens Killing one another For food I think that's

Approximately correct I've not seen the film But I believe it to be About preteens Killing each other Or alternately Preteens killing each other For tickets to the film

The Hunger Games It's a very violent crowd. Everybody loves killing each other for food was the first title of that movie. Okay, gang, what unfortunate incident happened to Simon Cowell after a one-night stand with a woman in Hollywood? Falklands. Oh, UK. Boner fail. Can we say boner throughout this entire show?

Because we can't say that. No, we can't say that. I'm going to give you a point for boner fail. That's not correct, but I enjoyed it. An unfortunate incident after a one night stand. Can I answer because somebody said faultless. Yeah, sure. Why not?

Was that our challenge? Did someone leak the winner? No. We have not buzzed in. Oh, right. We're not just allowed to talk at random? No choice. Oh, go ahead.

Obesity. Yeah, you asked. She described it to the press. Did it enter into the public consciousness? Just people were forced

to think about the prospect of Simon Cowell engaging in sexual intercourse. Dear Lord. Having that hair bearing down.

That's not correct, but it's good enough for a point. I'm going back to the UK because it sounds like you guys have one more guess. Yeah, I think it was like a sort of sitcom plot, wasn't it? She tried to make a souffle for his boss, but it lit on fire. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the only chance I'm going to get to have a promotion, for God's sake. That was a great time, Mikkel. Well, I, yeah. This is the only chance I'm going to get to have a promotion, for God's sake. That was a great Simon Cowell. Well, I am noted.

You probably don't know, but in this country, I'm noted as the UK's premier Simon Cowell impersonator. No, I did know that. I'm reinforcing that. It's a good choice for you. God bless you for your kind words. Did it turn out to be his mother, and had he murdered his father? Are you just guessing Greek myths now? Did he have to push a rock up a hill every day and then when he got to the top it rolled back down?

Did the sexual situation just happen in Hollywood? Here's what happened. Since no one knows, he was robbed. Here's what happened. Since no one knows, he was robbed. The mystery woman made off with his laptop and all of the contents of his wallet. Luckily, however, for Simon Cowell and all of the fans of his television programs, his collection of 8,000 black T-shirts was untouched.

Do you know, that's actually what I said, but Humphrey has a louder voice and talked some shit over it. Why don't you fuck off, Margaret? Uh-oh, divisions appearing in our team. I've had half a can of Stella Artois, so everyone better watch out. Half a can? What does that mean over there? Half a can? It's the metric system.

We wouldn't understand. I don't know. I'm going to give this. Can I take this opportunity to say we don't use the metric system in this country really for drinks we do well we cut no pints that's not that's imperial oh no sorry we have a pint mate i so tell your simpsons writers and just south parks and all these fellows that like to stick it to us over our metric system that H-Car is coming for them. Really, really like a job, please. The money's terrible over here.

I'm giving the UK an extra point for their entertaining internal dissension. And at the end of this round, the US has a very narrow five to four point lead. You're listening to International Waters. We've come to a brand new round on the program that we are calling Now That's What I Call a Music Round. Since 1983, the Now That's What I Call music compilations have collected the most popular radio singles of the day on one handy album. For people who love music but hate hearing a song they've never heard before. We're going to be plucking songs from those albums and giving you the year they were released. You'll also get one point for identifying the artist and one point for the song title. Either country can answer for all of the questions. Here's our first song from 2012

and the United States compilation. I think I've got it. United States. Pitbull? No, that is not Pitbull, unfortunately. Yes, UK. LMFAO. Sexy and you know it. That's absolutely correct.

Well, it's sexy and I know it, but I'm going to give you the point just for admitting that you know the title of an LMFAO song. We're taking the point, are we? That's actually the sign-off on my song. We're taking the point, are we? That's actually the sign-off on my email. We're taking the point. Yes, yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay, our next tune comes from the UK's compilation in 1983. One year old.

Falklands. I did know Falklands! It's Bonnie Tyler. Total Eclipse of the Heart. Wow, that was incredibly fast, UK. That's two points. That absolutely was. 1983's Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler.

I should have made a joke, but I was too excited about knowing it. Margaret was a very lonely child. I'm probably the only one who was alive. Turn around for me. She was the Beyonce of the 80s. Is that correct? She still is. What's that mean?

I don't know if there's an imperial answer to that question. Or an imperial answer to that question. Beyonce is the metric Bonnie Tyler. Okay, here's a song from the 1996 US compilation. Oasis.

Oh, sounds like we've got to check in on the United States side here. That is Slip Inside the Eye of Your Mind. Oasis. Yes, that's absolutely correct. It's not Champagne Supernova. No.

Wait, are you guys doing a great job so far? It's not Wonderwall. No, it's not Wonderwall. Oh, wait, fuck. It's not Party Rock Anthem. I don't think we're going to get the title. I don't know the title. We're not going to get the title.

You got one out of two. UK, I'm going to give you a chance to guess the title of the song. Oh, yes, Don't Let Back An Anger. Oh, yes. That's absolutely correct. Guess what I'm doing right now. I believe they wrote Coachella as well, Erin. Well, only Liam,

right? Or Noel? One of the pricks. Who's the busted looking one? I'm sorry. Who's the witch looking one? The non-attractive one? Oh, that's Noel. That's Noel, yeah. So it was Liam? No. Noel's the worker. I don't know. What am I doing? Noel's the marriage material.

You want to marry Noel and bang Liam. I can do without. I don't know. What am I doing? Null's the marriage material. You want to marry Null and bang Liam. I can do without. I don't think Liam could show up and do a show by himself. I'm not attracted to either of them now that I think about it. Good for you. God bless you, Aaron. I'm only attracted to both of them at once.

I've been writing a lot of slash fiction about them. Oh, I guarantee there's a little gross slash fiction about them. Oh, I guarantee you. There's a little gross slash fiction about them. Here's our last music clue. This is from the 2000 UK compilation. Well now, we call this the act of mating. But there are several other very important differences between human beings and animals that you should know about.

Falklands. Gross. It's some trashy R&B thing. Is it Kiss from a Rose by Seal? Oh, man. Can I switch things? There used to be a great tower A lot of people

Your version of this. Oh, sorry, that was my remix in my garage. Former orderly queue ladies. Unfortunately, UK, that is incorrect. What? It was Bad Touch by the Bloodhound Gang. Oh, yeah, I remember them. Yeah, we all do, for better or for worse.

At the end of that round, the UK is leading eight points to six. Yeah! A narrow one, but a lead nonetheless. We'll be back in just a second on International Waters. international waters. Now is the time on our show when we welcome a celebrity guest to help us challenge the cultural metal of our panelists. Our guest today, Mr. Kurt Explodo Anderson. He is a celebrated writer of both fiction and nonfiction and the host of Public Radio's Studio 360. His new novel is called True Believers, and it's always a joy to get to talk to us.

He's joining us from his home in New York City. Hey, Kurt, how are you doing? I'm good here in Brooklyn. It's a pleasure to be with you once again. Does Brooklyn not count as Brooklyn's one of the boroughs of New York City, right? It is one of the boroughs, but, you know. It's the cool one. Sorry. Jeez, Louise, sorry. I didn't know you were so cool, Kurt.

There you go. I try. I try my best. Speaking of how cool you are, you were on Jordan Jesse Go not that long ago, our comedy podcast. That doesn't make you cool. Quite the opposite. But on Jordan Jesse Go, our guests often come up with their own nickname to go along with Jordan and my own sort of self-consciously ridiculous nicknames. And you nicknamed yourself Explodo. Studio 360 at a public radio conference, and that colleague let slip that Explodo is your actual childhood nickname, which I have a hard time believing even now. Is that true? It's absolutely true. It was given to me by my older brother and then adopted by the source of it was that I loved firecrackers and fireworks and took buses to other states in order to be able to buy them legally

and smuggle them back to Nebraska. That really is the kind of thing that I imagine on an interstate bus in, like, the late 1960s, early 1970s. It's just, you know, there's some sort of like Easy Rider type dudes and some kind of drugstore cowboy type dudes. And then a 12 year old. Yeah. And then there's just a 12 year old with a duffel bag full of fireworks. That's me. That's me. It's an indie film. Let's go sell it. Headed back to Omaha with his booty. Yep, yep. And then I would take my old plastic models of airplanes and Dracula and stick large firecrackers in them and blow them up.

And once, in the single happiest experience of my childhood, I found a three-inch pipe and put cherry bombs in it, turning it into a mortar, which fired tennis balls at cows. It was truly the highlight of my middle school years. I believed everyone who told me that things like that would blow my hands off, so I never went anywhere near it. But it sounds like I missed out on all the fun. Yeah, well, I have only one hand. Oh, okay.

We should explain that Kurt dictates all of his novels. Oh, I see. So, Kurt, your new novel, True Believers, is set partly in the world of the late 1960s, partly in the present day. But you are not quite old enough to have spent the late 1960s, you know, protesting on the streets and participating in the cultural revolution, except to the extent that you were Exploding Draculas. Was Exploding Draculas your effort to be part of the cultural revolution that was going on at the time? It was my way to be here now and tune in and turn on. Yes. Well, I mean, yeah, I'm five or six years older, younger rather than the characters in this novel.

But, you know, I was there. I was 12 and 13 and saw it happening and aspired to be a hippie revolutionary. And, yes, setting up firecrackers was my little feeble attempt to be part of the cool kids. But most people just – I also like setting fires, you know. I would dump my mother's perfume out on her dresser and light it on fire. So I was just, you know, it was a general pyromaniacal thing. That seems like a really expensive accelerant to choose, Kurt. Well, but it was convenient and seemed to not have the danger, as I think lighter fluid would have, spreading and burning down my house.

At least that's what it seemed to me at age 11 and 12. You had a good plan, in other words. I did, exactly. It was prudent. Tell me a little bit about the protagonist of True Believers. She is a woman. This is her fictional memoir. She is sort of like Hillary Clinton if Hillary Clinton hadn't married Bill Clinton and simply been a prominent lawyer and married a composer,

which my character Karen Hollinger does. She lives in Los Angeles. She's the dean of UCLA Law School. She's a best-selling author. And in this memoir, she is, among other things, confessing some spectacular secrets of her 60s youth. Does she wear pantsuits? You know, that's a good question. I don't describe her as wearing pantsuits, but I do describe her as being unfashionable.

So I'm afraid you may have nailed her on that. Well, Kurt, since part of your novel takes place in the 1960s, an era known for, among other things, sex, drugs, and rock and roll, we figured we'd have you ask our panelists some questions about sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Our first question goes to the United States, who are well behind. Kurt, ask away. Question number one. According to a survey done by Playboy magazine,

71% of women have used their smartphones to do what? Masturbate. Wait. Oh, yeah, because you could... You put them on vibrate? Yeah, you just sit on it and make some calls. I assume it's look-up porn, but I masturbate seemed like a... Do you activate?

Do you use voice activation? Siri, make some calls? It's so complicated because you've got to have someone call you, and then you've got to sit on the phone and then sometimes your connection's bad. Depends on your carrier, really. Siri, bring me to fruition. I just assumed that would be the most

awful thing to do with your iPhone. I think it's either that or it's sex via FaceTime connection, but I feel like you're right. What if it's sexting? Oh, yeah. What was the percentage? 71%.

Okay, it has to be sexting. I think it's sexting. You're absolutely correct. It's sexting. I'm glad we talked that through. Our next question. I'm also dying to know the methodology of a Playboy poll. They just asked some ladies

that are hanging around. Hanging out at the grotto. I'm shocked that 70% of whoever is involved in that, that should be a higher percentage of it's Playgirls. A hundred percent of women sexed. They ain't all good with the letters.

According to a Playboy poll, a hundred percent of women have serious daddy issues and cry themselves to sleep at night. The next question for the UK, Kurt Shoot. Question. Medical marijuana has been legal in California for some time now. A company in Southern California is making what to make buying pot easier? Oh.

A company? Like something to make buying pot easier. A giant hemp shopping trolley? You're concerned that the big problem with buying marijuana is the inconvenience of having too much to carry at once? Yeah. That's a lot of marijuana. I can't smoke this trolley. It's a waste of my time. Oh, wait a minute.

Man, I don't know. Is it like an ATM that dispenses hash? Yeah, it's difficult to roll them up, isn't it? That's the main problem. Is it pre-rolled doobies, as I believe the kids like to refer to the mess? You mean people your age?

How dare you, madam? It's specifically our age. You are actually closer with the ATM guess. The correct answer is a vending machine. Dispense Labs in Aliso Viejo is about to start renting vending machines to dispensaries where customers can buy their medicine after hours. The next question for the U.S. of A.

Which country singer is in talks to play Joni Mitchell in an upcoming biopic? Oh, dear. Country singer. I'm afraid we're far too sophisticated to know any of them. Must be Shania Twain. Is she in MGMT?

Just kidding. That was a stupid, random indie rock joke that wasn't a joke because no one laughed. I do feel like Shania Twain is the only name of a female country singer that is on the tip of my tongue. I don't think she's an actress, though. That's pretty much all we know. Wait, she's a... Oh, it's Catherine McPhee, I bet.

No. No, is she country? There was an American Idol person who became a country singer. Who's the... Billy Ray Cyrus. No, no, no. Who's the one who got interrupted by Kanye? Yeah, that one. That's the one. Oh, by Kanye? Yeah, that one.

That's the one. Oh, by Kanye? Oh, sweet little adorable animal. I'm going to let you finish. Is she an actress now? Taylor, Tyler. Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift is the answer.

Yeah! You're absolutely correct. Yeah! Thank you, London. Thank you, England. You're welcome. Next question goes to the UK. What do you you, London. Thank you, England. You're welcome. Oh, yeah. Next question goes to the UK.

What do you got, Kurt? All right. In a recent interview, the rapper Nicki Minaj said that a voice in her head told her to quit what? And there's a note here. We realize that Minaj isn't exactly associated with, quote, drugs or, quote, rock and roll, but the writer of this segment would like to have, quote, sex with her. Is it wigs? Pink wigs. That's literally all I know about Nicki Minja. It's not having a booty that won't quit.

She's trying to quit booty. She's trying to quit her booty that won't quit. Okay. Yeah, I think we should go with wigs. Yeah, we're going with either of those. Wait, I feel like we should help you since you helped us. Okay. Yeah, do us a solid.

So it's like a thing where you can write your thoughts. You know the answer and you're giving a hint. Yeah. It's journaling. It's like tiny journaling but for the internet. Oh. Is it drool something? Yes, it's draw something.

I told her, no, it's Twitter, you nitwits. I said Twitter. Why can no one hear me? Oh, she said Twitter. Oh, yes. Twitter, you nitwits. I said Twitter. Why can no one hear me? Oh, she said Twitter. Oh, yes. Okay, Twitter. You need your voice to be more strident and shrieking. Twitter!

We'll give you another point for that one. And at the end of that round, the UK still retains their commanding lead. However, we are brought now to the pitch off. Kurt, you've just finished your new novel, True Believers, which is headed for bookstores across the known world. And we have four brilliant show business professionals here on hand. So what we're going to ask them to do is put their heads together and pitch you your next project. do is put their heads together and pitch you your next project. Whoever comes up with the best pitch as chosen by you will be awarded big points.

I'm going to start with the UK and put them on the spot since they have the most points at the moment. UK, what is your pitch for Mr. Kurt Anderson? UK, what is your pitch for Mr. Kurt Anderson? How about what would have happened to Eleanor Roosevelt if she'd never met Teddy Roosevelt? Teddy Roosevelt! And married... If she got through the whole marrying his son without... When am I going to meet your dad?

I don't understand. Are you keeping me secret because I'm supposed to be a lesbian? Oh, I'm drunk. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, how about that? But she married his son. Yeah, and it's called Untrue Believers. See what we've done there?

It's very clever. Have you guys worked out any plot details of this? I guess we would call this new genre Alternative Alternative History. Yeah, it's like an incredible farce. Have you guys worked out any plot details of this? I guess we would call this new genre alternative, alternative history. Yeah, it's like an incredible farce, isn't it? It's like an incestual farce where basically Teddy wants to bang Eleanor. Like in Back to the Future. Just like in Back to the Future.

In fact, that was the plot of Back to the Future 2, wasn't it? It's basically, it's Teddy chasing Eleanor around the White House. It's all set on one night, the night of Franklin's inauguration. And it's super disrespectful. Lots of sexy references to the Rough Riders. Polio is the main thrust of the humor of the novel. Loads of like, Franklin, could you just fetch me down the constitution from that top shelf no sorry

okay us it's your turn to pitch kurt anderson uh writer radio host magazine editor all around man about town his next big project okay so the show studio 60 on the sunset strip was a failure but what about studio 360 on the sunset strip we take public radio put it in the sauciest part of los angeles home of strippers rippers and grippers grippers by the way are what electricians are called on a hollywood set and we i'm literally writing it like i would write a dumb pitch that i'm sending out uh and uh and we see what happens when public radio meets public disrespect i think that's good yeah or my my other idea was um a shot for shot remake of pretty in pink starring the original cast oh my god which has to be done quick because harry dean stanton i mean he's still here but for how long? Man, I hope he doesn't go before this podcast goes out.

Kurt, I'm going to discount Andy Daly's idea, which has nothing to do with you or your career. Oh, I didn't realize it had to be. It's by far the best idea. The one that's going to make us all the most dollar, right? Because we're all going to get a slice of this, right? We're all here. Make us all the most dollar, right? Because we're all going to get a slice of this, right?

We're all here. Kurt, which nation's idea are you going to go with? Well, on the one hand, I guess the fact that Teddy Roosevelt died a dozen years before Franklin Roosevelt was in the White House shouldn't get in the way of that plan because tactile accuracy isn't a deal-breaker. And the other one, the Studio 360, is actually a reasonable idea if we could get maybe not Aaron Sorkin, but his cousin Herman Sorkin or something to create it for us. I think the Teddy and Eleanor thing, I've got to say, is despite its historical impossibility, the one I'm going to choose.

Yay! Well played. That broadens the U.K.'s lead. Kurt, thank you so much for joining us on International Waters. It was a joy to have you. My pleasure. Happy to be here. Kurt Anderson is the host of the wonderful public radio arts program Studio 360,

which you can find online at Studio360.org. And his new novel, True Believers, hits stores all over the world, or at least in much of the world. Hey, let's face it, the parts that matter in July. That now makes for 500 rejections of my pretty in pink idea. That's the one I would have gone with. It's great. Thank you, Kurt. Let's see if the UK can extend their lead in the quickfire round

where all of the questions are worth two points. Both teams will have 30 seconds to answer as many questions as they possibly can. United States, since you're behind, I will let you have your first choice of category and a chance to set the agenda points-wise. You can choose between Internet memes and the films of Mr. Steven Spielberg. I could do both of those, probably. Yeah? Yeah.

Well, then you choose. You have to choose, yeah. Right. So we can't do both? those probably. Yeah? Yeah. Well, then you choose. You have to choose, yeah. Right. So we can't do both? Is that the word you're saying? We can't just do both and then take all of the points. That's not how it works. Maybe Mr. Spielberger.

Okay, let's do it. Okay, the films of Steven Spielberg. Not his name, so we're off to a bad start. Minus two. Colin Anderson, our producer, set that clock. Ready, steady, begin. This 1977 Spielberg film features Richard Dreyfuss. Obesity!

Incorrect. Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Spielberg recently directed an adaptation of this boring European comic book. Oh, that one about the boy. Oh, Tin Tin. Correct. In Jurassic Park, which actor says, Hold on to your butts?

Jeff Goldblum? Incorrect. Samuel L. Jackson. The 1991 remake of Cape Fear was produced by Spielberg and directed by whom? Scorsese. Correct. Nuking the fridge has become show business shorthand

for running a franchise into the ground. This comes from what Spielberg movie? Indiana Jones. That's correct. Which one? And that's a total of seven points. No, six points. Can't get seven points in a round where points are given out two at a time.

It's just a sign of my bad hash marking skills. Cheating is what it is. And that leaves internet memes to the UK. US, you have taken your total to 12 points. Oh, UK, you don't have to buzz in on this round. We learned that lesson. Yeah, we learned that lesson from you. UK, your category, internet memes.

Colin Anderson, set that clock. that lesson from you. UK, your category, internet memes. Colin Anderson, set that clock and let's begin. This mass participatory internet trend involves having one's photograph taken whilst lying rigidly face down in a public space. Clanking. Correct. One of the first viral stars was an overweight high school

student imitating this famous sci-fi movie. Luke Skywalker. A hipster version of which Disney cartoon recently became a meme? Hercules. Incorrect. Ariel the Little Mermaid. One of my fears is that my children's privileged life won't allow them to feel the same triumphs I've felt, and I wasn't poor. Humble brag.

Correct. Which star's name is missing from each of the following facts? When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for X. There is no theory of evolution. Absolutely correct. That's time. Good job. Nice work, you guys.

What do we got? We spend a lot of time on the internet. We do nothing. Reading our own slash fiction I don't have any Crying and wanking The three eyed cry It doesn't work for girls I don't know Certain girls I've seen on the internet

Have you googled that on the internet? Fun stuff Certain girls I've seen on the internet. Have you Googled that on the internet? Oh, dear. Fun stuff. Well, certain girls. Well, certain girls who do certain, oh, how do I say this in a nice way? Have sprinklers in their vaginas? Oh, wow. That is a lovely way to say it.

Thank you. I'm away with words. It's a very inefficient way to keep your lawn watered. Oh, very. Oh, yeah. It's a very inefficient way to keep your lawn watered. Oh, very. Oh, yeah. And in that round, the UK broadly widened its lead with a truly remarkable performance.

They now have a total of 17 points to the US. That one's for Bunker Hill, motherfuckers. I don't know what that means. I believe General Cornwallis said something similar. He did. That's what he said when he handed over his sword at Yorktown. He just dunked it in a load of dog shit. There you go, Washington, you douchebag. Hey, guys, history joke.

I'll take it. Tricorner hat. Am I right? Yeah, you are right. You are definitely right. You're not wrong. You told those tricorns. You are definitely right. You're not wrong. You told those tricolors. We'll be back with more International Waters in just a second.

You're listening to International Waters. I'm your host, Jesse Thorne. Our teams, Andy Daly and Aaron Gibson, representing the United States of America. Margaret Cab andy daly and aaron gibson representing the united states of america margaret caborn smith and humphrey carr for the great britain the great britain not that shitty one next door some united kingdoms why not for our next round we welcome a special guest from the uk writer of the digest Reads literary parodies for The Guardian newspaper. From our London studio, please welcome John Crace. Hi there.

Hi. Hi, John. How are you, sir? I'm very good, thank you. Well, I'm not, actually. I've got a new knee, which is giving me hell, but there you go. Is it better than the old knee? Not yet. The idea is that it will be.

Thanks to modern technology. Does it have a USB port? So, John, you are going to read some of your parodies, and our teams are going to buzz in when they recognize the book being parodied. Actually, because this bit is from Britain, we're going to arbitrarily change the rules. So you're not going to be allowed to buzz in until the end. Okay?

Fair enough. And just as a clue to everyone, these were books published both sides of the Atlantic in the last year. Okay, first one. Sophia is our firstborn. At three months old, I left her for days on her own to learn Poincaré's conjecture while I rewrote the US Constitution.

And by the time she was three, she could speak seven languages, play Rachmaninoff's third piano concerto, and had never so much as smiled. My second child, Lulu, was more of a handful. Even though she, too, was far more talented than the second-rate children of decadent American parents, she tried to resist my will at every turn. At the age of two, she refused to do more than ten hours of maths homework a night

and deliberately played wrong notes in the Mendelssohn violin concerto. There was a third child, Tiananmen. He was even more willful and used to get out of his pram and stand defiantly in Times Square. Regrettably, I had to crush him with a tank. His death was not wholly in vain. Sophia and Lulu gave me a lot less trouble after that. OK, name the book.

Falklands. OK, UK. I think it's... Is it Confessions of a Tiger Mother? Nearly, nearly. Something of a Tiger Mother? Nearly. Nearly. Something of a tiger mother. Seek? Dispense of a tiger mother.

Sexy secrets of a tiger mother. That doesn't sound right, does it? No, it doesn't quite chip off the tongue. I'm going to give a point for sexy secrets of a tiger mother. That sounds pretty good to me. It was Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. It was America's own Amy Chua. Well, I hate children.

That's why I didn't read it. I'm afraid that one was designed to be easy for us. Well, here we go. See how you go with this one then. Okay. Why, you may ask, would the world's greatest actress wish to share her kitchen secrets it is because i have the secret of eternal life when my beloved father who taught me so much about cooking was diagnosed with cancer in 1998, I became convinced I could cure him with a macrobiotic diet.

Sadly, he died, but only because he had eaten too much steak and chips when he was young. But with these recipes, my children, and possibly your children, if they have double-barrelled surnames, can live forever. I think I know the author, but I don't know the book. The United States. Okay. It's Gwyneth Paltrow.

It is Gwyneth Paltrow. Oh, it's called Suck This, Motherfuckers. It's called I Fucked Chris Martin. I believe that's also correct. Awesome recipe idea. It's called Heads in a Box. It's called Notes from My Kitchen Table. What's our next parody?

Okay, this may help the Americans. Oh, good. Now, when you say it may help the Americans, you mean that this is a parody of a television programme, correct? There was something about the way the skinny shortstop picked up and threw the ball that caught

the eye of the Westish College catcher, Mike Schwartz. How about you come and play for us, he said. I can fix you up with a college bursary. Isn't a bit odd for a student to be also in charge of admissions, replied the shortstop, Henry Scrimshander. I'm your gay Malato roommate, purred Owen Dunn as Henry arrived at Westish. I'm more interested in Emerson than baseball, but somehow I'm still on the college team. Did you notice the statue of Herman Melville outside?

You've just walked into the great American novel. Falklands. It's called The Lost Art of Fielding. into the great American novel? Falklands. It's called The Lost Art of Fielding, I think, and it's by the funniest baseball name I know, Albert Pujols. We're going to give you that. We're going to give you that.

Art of Fielding by Chad Harbatch. Or Back. Has that been out in the States? What? Of course you know. Yeah, that is a critically acclaimed novel. And as hilarious as Albert Pujols is, the only way you could have gotten two points from that one is if you had identified the author as

former Atlanta Braves minor leaguer, wonderful, terrific Mons III. Former Atlanta Braves minor leaguer, Wonderful Terrific Mons III. His father and grandfather were also named Wonderful Terrific Mons. Is that right? Yes. That's great. I had a visit from a man from the council who was called Sunday on a Banjo.

Whoa. That's a good name. I got this letter that said, you were visited by Sunday on a banjo no I'd remember that sorry John go on this is your last one this is a quintessentially British book from last year

but I believe it's been published and well received in the States as well. And it was turned into a viral video? Of course. Published, well-received, but not read, I don't think. There were three of us, and Adrian now made the fourth. I would tell you the names of the other two, but they are of little consequence,

besides which my memory is most unreliable, and so it is possible I have not even remembered their names correctly, and it would be a shame to burden you with even more potentially inaccurate information. Suffice to say, we were all rather smug public schoolboys. Though Adrian's sense of entitlement was perhaps the greatest, given as he was to making remarks such as, history is that certainty produced at the point where the imperfections of memory meet the inadequacies of documentation. The only challenge to our self-satisfaction

occurred when a boy named Robson committed suicide after getting a girl pregnant. But fortunately, it wasn't long before Adrian was able to put us right. Eros and Thanatos, he said. Camus believed suicide was the only true philosophical question. Or maybe he didn't say that at all. Who knows? So you said it's quintessentially British. I'm going to guess. No, I'm not in this game, but I'm just going to go with

Downton Abbey. Oh, well. You're so right. Or possibly Sir Alec Guinness. Is he a book? I don't know, but it sounds like a laugh riot. Whatever the book is. Is it a Christopheritchens' book?

What, that he wrote posthumously? Yeah. Oh, burn! You just got book burned! Literarily. I thought he died this year. Oh, I can't do that. Never mind, never mind. It's Julian Barnes'

Sense of an Ending. Won the Booker Prize, Whitbread Prize, Costa Prize. And it's short as well. And it's short. Yeah. Did it win an Emmy?

Yeah. I'm ashamed that I haven't read it. Never mind. I would let you read anything if you wanted. Just listening to it was like

listening to like if I had a good father. Paint dry. Yeah. A dad who cared. Who was around. Who wasn't a monster or a racist or a tax evader. He just would shoot dogs whenever. So that's what it reminded me of.

Like hearing a bedtime story from an actual competent father. How nice. Guys, my dad's a nice guy. Well, John, thank you so much for joining us on International Waters. Not at all. Thank you for having me bye dad you john's writing on the guardians website guardian.co.uk or through the internet website amazon which you might have heard of we'll be back in just a second on international waters As we enter our final round, the UK, which has held a commanding lead throughout the contest, still holds a commanding lead.

Yay! That's where we like to be. Here's the good news for you, United States of America. As always, the winner of our final round receives 1,000 points, making all the rounds up till now more or less irrelevant. Oh, good. It feels like you should balance that somehow. I wish I knew that at the beginning.

Or did we? No, I didn't know anything. That's been clear throughout the course of this contest. We really imagine this whole game is kind of a symbol for the inherent futility of life. Imagine it is like a snake eating its tail or something like that. Why would a snake eat its own tail? Barbecue sauce. Okay.

Just one example of many possibilities. This game is called In Defense. Each team will have 60 seconds to leap to the defense of a cultural force that is widely considered to be bad or weak or sucky. The best defense, as judged by me, somewhat arbitrarily, will receive the 1,000 points. Excellent. For the UK, you will be defending lads mags. Magazines like Nuts, Zoo, and FHM are aimed at adolescent boys and deal in dirty jokes and features like assess my breasts.

You have 60 seconds to defend Lad's Mags. Begin. Well, what could be better for our children's future than page after page after page of disembodied breasts with no head on them sent by women who think that they're being empowered somehow by sending in pictures of their nipples. I don't know if you've read Nuts, Margaret,

but fortunately it's not headless ladies. I know that, listen, Assess My Breasts specifically cuts the heads off these women, so they are just literally looking out after these. I wouldn't know, because I largely read calfskin-bound volumes of poetry. Sure. But when you have chanced after these. I wouldn't know because I largely read calfskin bound volumes of poetry. Sure. But when you have chanced upon these.

But when I, you know, get the urge and I want to read a lot of jokes that have been stolen off other comedians on the internet and put near some disembodied tips, then I know that it's my right. And that's what our boys were fighting for

when they threw back Hitler's hordes. Because Hitler famously, Hitler famously was very anti-Lads Mags. And anybody that agrees with that is pro-Hitler. And hates Jews.

This is good. This is good. That's time. Anti-Semitic. Well done. Yes. Wow, I particularly like the sarcastic defense.

I can't think of anything. Margaret suffers from being a feminist. It's awful. I'll never hire you as my lawyer. I'm using the sarcasm defense. Sure, Andy strangled that lady. The case rests. United States, you'll be defending Chili's.

This casual dining establishment features self-consciously outrageous decor, giant sugary cocktails, and appetizers that sometimes contain as many as 2,000 calories. Defend Chili's in 60 seconds. Begin. Well, first of all, the fact that you know how many calories are in the appetizers means that they are refreshingly honest about what they're serving. They do not. And as a matter of fact, if you are a parent of a young child, as we all have read in the news,

Chili's will serve your 4-year-old an alcoholic mudslide. So for a family of alcoholics, it is the place to enjoy dinner. That's a great way to put a kid to sleep on the way home. Also, Chili's is one of several practice restaurants, which I think are very important for our culture. It's the same thing on the menu, whatever Chili's you go to. So that whole selection process and understanding different foods is not part of your dining out experience. You get to focus on other things like sitting upright and using utensils. Yeah, and you know, for a

child who doesn't have the money or the wherewithal to explore the world, nothing's better than Chili's where they have decor like bicycles, umbrellas, and chairs on the wall to broaden the decor horizons of perhaps a child in Idaho. And in closing, Chili's Baby Back Ribs.

Oh, I'm up. Barbecue sauce. That's time. Catchiness is not a defense. Who sang that? Was that NSYNC? That was Bette Midler. Bette Midler sang the Chili City Backgammon song.

That's what she got her Oscar for, I believe. That was Patti LuPone. Wasn't it Patti LuPone? It was Patti LuPone. Was it Patti LuPone and Mandy Patinkin? Yes. Who is Mandy Patinkin, if I'm not mistaken? Who together are the Moira Stewart of the United States?

I know who Mandy Patinkin is. Well, I have to say that UK, I was moved and inspired first by your sour sarcasm, then by the fact that all you had left in the tank afterwards was Hitler. That always happens. That's what got OJ off. Right now, I'm just imagining a whiteboard where you are brainstorming ideas, and it just has a

sad, smiley face, and then a swastika, and the swastika is circled with an arrow drawn towards the light. drawn towards the end to every argument. We're going to page 200. I am actually pretty impressed by the United States. Relatively coherent argument. I particularly enjoyed the idea of a practice.

I particularly enjoyed the idea of a practice restaurant. What does that mean? It's an intermediary step between McDonald's and Le Cirque. Yeah. So that people don't mess up. What you're saying, Andy, is that you're the kind of Hollywood insider who's constantly dining at fancy establishments run by Wolfgang Puck and his associates. That's correct. And every once in a while you'll see a Rube or a Rustic tuck the tablecloth into their pants

and stand up and ruin everyone's evening. That's someone who never went to a practice restaurant. We need a couple of years at Chili's in the minor leagues. Just to really tighten up that fork action before they hit the big league servings. That's correct.

A Rube or a Rustic. Some sort of Rustic will wander in. Perhaps a Shakespearean Mechanical. Someone with a gift for Malaprop. Always, always. Someone who doesn't know which fork to use for his salad

a lot of spoonerisms I have to give this one to the United States and with that the championship walk boo we don't deserve it you're right to boo us this time around we've decided that the best country in the whole entire world is the U.S. of A.

Perhaps you can celebrate by forcing our friends across the water to create their own version of Entourage. Oh, boy. Colin Firth could be Vince. Hugh Grant as Turtle. Let's go to Leicester Square and bang some chicks. You've been listening to International Waters with me, your host, Jesse Thorne, playing this week Andy Daly, Aaron Gibson,

Margaret Caburn-Smith and Humphrey Carr with special guests John Krase and Kurt Explodo Anderson. Our theme tune, USA vs. White Noise by Lady Tron. Thanks to them for letting us use it. The script written by Jordan Morris. If you think you've got what it takes

to write a round of questions for International Waters, email IW at MaximumFun.org with your subject and some sample questions the show was recorded at my house in los angeles by me and at guilt-free post london by chris morris our producer in the old world mr colin anderson