Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Just Another Hole In A Butt with Blaire Erskine

Episode Date: March 27, 2023

Blaire Erskine joins Jordan and Jesse this week to talk about old men in a diner, the big book of websites and Blaire's experience writing for the Oscars.Make sure to support this great network by heading on over to maximumfun.org/join

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. Hey everybody, welcome to Jordan Jesse Go. Guess what? It's Max Fun Drive time. This is our second Max Fun Drive regular episode of Jordan Jesse Go. We had a special episode for you last week and we have another special episode coming up this week. But we want to remind you that this show and all of Maximum Fund's shows are directly supported by our audience, which means you. Yeah. Everybody who goes to maximumfund.org slash join and kicks in a couple of bucks helps keep the show going and helps keep all the shows

on the network going. And it's the reason that we do this. Yeah, the folks that join at Maximum Fund.org slash join are, you know, our bosses and we love doing the show for them. It's so nice to do this goofballs show to a nice group of folks who are willing to kick in to keep it going. It really means a lot. We'll talk about all the cool gifts and how everything works and so on and so forth in a little bit. But for right now, if you're listening to this, will you please go to MaximumFun.org slash join? That's MaximumFun.org slash join. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Can I ask you a question, Jordan? Nope. No questions. Okay. Well, thanks for listening to Jordan, Jesse Goh.

You're going to listen politely to me while I tell a long story. You're going to go, mm-hmm. And then at the end, you're going to say, that was fascinating. All right. Fair enough. Let's hear what you got. say that was fascinating all right fair enough let's hear what you got okay um oh god jesse i ain't got it well jordan i ain't got it i was bluffing i call this bluff i'm just a little bluffer have you had the experience that you're you get older yeah i'll take your question. Okay. I got nothing else. I'm hoping it's good. Do you have something you want to do?

No. You know what I want to do, Jesse? I want to hear this question. As you've gotten older, have you found yourself getting contemplative? No, I'm trying to contemplate less. Really? Yeah. It just gets you into trouble.

It just fucking bums you out. If you've tried contemplating, it doesn't get you anywhere. What are you doing instead? Crossword puzzles? Crossword puzzles. A lot of people are into the, you know, that New York Times app Squirtle? Oh, I think you're thinking of Wordle, Jesse, but you said a Pokemon instead. Oh, geez.

Yeah. From the New York instead. Oh, geez. Yeah. From the New York Times. Oh, sorry. I'm thinking of Snorlax. Yeah. It evolves into Wordporeon. I played like two minutes of Pokemon. We constantly talk about Pokemon on this show.

I don't know that much about it. Okay. Fair enough. Yeah. I'll watch Detective Pikachu. It'll be like talking about gardening if we if we just did a gardening shears run on every episode that'd be great why don't we ever do any topiary shit let's try i know about as much about that as i do about pokemon have you seen fast and out of control the number one topiary film oh no i haven't uh-uh well there you go i mean but i've never seen any pokemon movies either so i can

just guess at what's in this thing you know that i have a love of lifelong learning and that starts with watching the number one topiary film fast cheap and out of control. And ends with watching the number one Pokemon movie, Detective Pikachu. Now, in Detective Pikachu, all the Pokemons live in town with, I want to say, Ryan Reynolds. And they all go around solving mysteries and having having underground battles sounds pretty cool it's not it's a little boring i mean it's better than it could have been which is probably if i really love pokemons i would just be glad to see them you know in something that's not just you had a question about contemplating i've just been contemplating a lot as I've gotten older. And today I was just thinking about how I'm 41 years old. I love pizza just as much as I ever have in my entire life.

I went and got some pizzas at Foliero's in Highland Park, my favorite pizzeria. I ate this pizza i was just thinking since i was five years old i've been loving pizza and here i am 36 years later munching on this cheesy bread treat i loved it i loved it jordan do you have some sort of image consultant trying to get you to be more relatable is that where this is coming from i like pizza you mean like when i said i didn't like the pokemon movie everyone liked yeah so just just remain neutral on pokemon and say you like pizza jordan was there a period in your life when your identity and self-worth were defined by how many slices of pizza you could eat

in one pizza session you know that's interesting i remember really challenging myself when i think it was pizza hut had the big foot pizza yeah this was a pizza with a colorful cartoon mascot. Yeah, big rectangular Sasquatch. The pizza was... The Sasquatch was a Sasquatch. The pizza was a big rectangle. Right, but the pizza was just as rectangular as a real Sasquatch. Right, exactly.

The most rectangular of the cryptids. Just rolling around out there in the Pacific Northwest, having four corners and two sides that are the same size. Two different. And then two. They're the same as each other, but different from the first two. The other two sides, which are the same. When you're talking about the sides of the Sasquatch. Yeah, I've seen a Bigfoot, Jesse.

Okay. Yeah, no, I remember really trying to take down as much of that big foot as possible and it was a thing where like you know if someone got one for a slumber party you know could could four kids take down the big foot together right what was the answer have we yeah i think we finished i think we were able to finish the big foot on a few occasions i think it was college before I realized that the most important achievement was not pizza eating. I think I was probably a junior or senior in college. Right. There was a Little Caesars near my apartment. Oh, yeah. If you're looking to challenge yourself with pizza volume,

Little Caesars is the place to go. Because it's so affordable and so terrible. So it's a real challenge. Sure. Yeah. Make it an ordeal. It really tastes awful. And I was tested when my wife was in law school. All law school events have free pizza, but it's always terrible pizza.

So you think you should eat it, but you shouldn't eat it. You should just wait until you get home and have dinner. Sure. Have a baggie of almonds in your pocket. Yeah, that's what I eat now is just bold almonds, Korean barbecue flavor. That's what I think. That's what I'm doing with my aging. Instead of contemplating, just fill in Ziploc bags of almonds and taking them places.

And occasionally I'll enjoy a lemon dessert. But no contemplating will just lead to bad feelings. Our guest on the program is a favorite of ours. She's a writer for the Jimmy Kimmel Television Program. She's a regular guest here on Jordan, Jesse Go. She's the founder and proprietress of JC Pineapples. And now Oscar writer, Blair Erskine. Hi, Blair. Hi. Hello. Thank you for having me. Blair, you wrote for the Oscars. I did. What's Bruce Valanche really like? We each had a joke question. I was leading into one.

Jesse scooped me with the classic Jesse Thorne scoop. Jesse, you do your joke question, and then I'll do mine. And then, Blair, you answer which one you thought was funnier. Sure, sure. I thought you looked like you were going to ask a real question. I thought I better make this stupid joke before Jordan asks his real question. I can't make the joke anymore. Oh, no, I had a fake question. Okay. Well, mine was what's Bruce Valanche really like?

Okay. Bruce Valanche, of course, the star of the documentary Get Bruce, alongside Whoopi Goldberg, who's a big fan of his, and he has a lot of novelty t-shirts, and he's really goofy, and he writes one-liners about celebs and he wrote for the oscars every year for a long time okay jordan go ahead and ask your favorite my funny question was going to be now do the writers come up with the categories both amazing questions thank you bruce valanche i only know from hollywood squares i i didn't realize he wrote for the Oscars.

Is he still around and doing stuff, right? I think so. Do you think he's moved to a different ceremony? No, I just want to make sure. Sometimes people die. That's true. And I just want to make sure it didn't happen to him. Wow. There's a whole segment in the Oscars about it.

Holy shit. He's still alive. Yeah, he's doing great. Wait, go back to this thing about people. Jossie, we don't have time. Okay. Yeah, this is why I don't contemplate, man, because that eventually comes up. Get yourself some Ziplocs, just start filling them with almonds.

Valencia is semi-retired. I looked it up. Valencia is semi-retired. He just writes for the ceremony where people get their handprint on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. That's a good gig. Yeah, it is a good gig. Pays well. People really appreciate it.

You write a few things for Leonard Nimoy. I didn't realize that was it. I learn new things about this town every day. Speaking of loose knots, the Oscars had lots of loose knots. They didn't really give you food, but they were just like if you could find a dish of loose nuts around the Dolby Theater, they were there. During the ceremony of the fancy or standard, how many peanuts? It was mostly, I would say fancy. It was like more cashews to peanuts. Yeah. Now if I was the Oscars and I'm not, obviously. You're kind of the oscars thank you blair if i was the oscars and again i'm obviously not i would probably put out a bowl of macadamias because this is show business baby let's do this

let's do it up you know i agree something let's get the most tropical nut we can find yeah sorry brazil nut you're out of here. Yeah, not tropical enough. This is Hollywood's big night. Not tropical enough is what you say to the Brazil nut. Throw in a dried fruit. Yeah, what's up? What, so what, how does the, how does,

hi, Blair. Hi. Good to see you. You did something interesting. Now let us make jokes at you, and then you, how's that sound? Someone who actually did something? I love that. Humiliate me. How does that like start? Do you, do you just write a lot of one-liners about movies you think

are going to get nominated? Like what's the beginning phase of writing for the Oscars? Yeah, that, so we did so many rounds of jokes and it started way back before they announced the nominees. And so, yeah, we did a lot of rounds about movies we thought were going to get nominated. I mean, I think we pretty much, I feel like we knew just because, I don't know, there are sites like Gold Derby that exist. And so we did write, I mean, a million jokes that didn't get picked for this. So it's crazy the volume of jokes that you write. But yeah, we started with movies, just like every movie that came out. And then we would slowly, slowly make that list smaller.

And then at the end, we're just writing more and more jokes about the same movies, same actors, just for fun. And then he did his favorites. And it was great. I think he did a good job. And it was a lot of work though but fun it was fun we're talking about valanche yes yes we are talking about always talking about why why would you talk about anything else did you okay so did you attend the ceremony and did you need to like get a gown did you have have a gown? What, how many gowns would

you say you own? Thank you for asking this question. So I bought a gown for the WGA awards we were nominated for. And then the Oscars were the next week and I bought a gown for that and it was red. And I was doing the red carpet with Guillermo cause he's always out there, like, you know, asking the questions to the celebrities. And I was going to be out there with him this year. And they told me the last minute, I couldn't wear that red dress and I had to wear like black or blue because you don't want to take away from, you know, Jamie Lee Curtis. And so I changed into the black dress. And then I guess I don't know why I'm telling you this. I got to wear both dresses to the Oscars and it was so stressful and I was sweating and they were so uncomfortable.

I was walking around barefoot at the end of the night. I have a new respect for celebrities who do this shit constantly. Like it's, you know, wearing, have you guys ever worn high heels or any sort of uncomfortable shoe? I wore high heels in my high school production of little shop of horrors, but the scene wasn't long enough for me to feel pain. We did have, this is before Amazon, we had a hard time renting the heels. We ended up renting them from a theater rhinoceros. You had a hard time renting the heels. Well, because I'm a size 12.

Yeah, yeah, I could see, yeah. But there are gay theater companies in the great city of San Francisco that will rent you very large heels. And that's what we ended up doing. I was interested in high school. I was interested in a style of punk shoe called a creeper. This is like a pointy-toed, high-soled, rubber-soled shoe with like a slightly woven vamp. Yeah, so not always pointy-toed. You can get rounded. Oh, I see, I see.

You know, rounded creepers. I found one at like, you know, if you go to like a bong store, they will have three or four pairs of creepers you can buy. Wait, three or four styles or three or four pairs? Great question, Jesse. Three or four pairs. Okay, so. Not a huge. You can buy them off the employees.

Yeah, basically. There's not a lot of like, I'll check in the back at a bong store. Right. And I wanted them more than anything and i found ones that were like a size too big and that was like all they had that was like it's this or nothing and i wore them for a while with so i would put on socks and then i would ball up a another pair of socks and put them in the creepers so I could wear them. And it just hurt my feet so fucking bad. And I just gave up on them after a week. But yeah, they might, they might still,

those creepers might still be in like my mom's garage, but it was a bummer. I look terrible in them. So at least I, at least I had that going for me. I went to a bong store recently i was getting a tattoo and i was taking a break and it was on i mean it was on a bong street it wasn't in the bong district which we've discussed often here on jordan jessico the neighborhood in los angeles completely composed of wholesale bong stores well i mean they sell e-cigarette equipment as well i went next door into what I thought was a convenience store, but it turned out to be a bong store. And I just was parched and wanted a soda pop. Did they have them? Sometimes they have them, soda pops. They had a little icebox there full of soda pops.

Want to know what my soda pop cost at the bong store? I do. I was so taken aback that I simply paid the man. Oh, no. Eight dollars. What? Wow. For a bottle?

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know why. It wasn't marijuana soda. I immediately thought to myself, did I accidentally buy marijuana soda? And I did not. What soda pop did you buy? It was a, now, it was some sort of foreign phantom. But I did not, there was no standard soda pops there.

I would have gone and traded for a Sunkist. Did you say you were getting a tattoo? Is that a joke? Did you get a tattoo? No, I got a tattoo. Really? And halfway through I needed a refreshment because it was a, you know, it can be a long process.

That's what I've been told. I don't have any tats. I got no ink, but that's what I hear from tat heads. That's what you guys like to be called, Jesse, right? Tat heads? Yeah, sure. I mean, you've seen my head tats. Sure. It's of Mickey, the protagonist of the Maury Sendak book, In the Night Kitchen.

One of my faves. And yeah. Jesse, I just got a call from Texas and your tattoo is banned in schools. Oh, that's too bad, Jesse. Oh, gee whiz. I'm trying out material for my Colbert schools. Oh, that's too bad, Jesse. Oh, gee whiz. I'm trying out material for my Colbert packet. How was that? How was it?

That was good. Not to mention my high school production of Little Shop of Horror is also banned. Yeah, sure. Oh, man. Blair. What? Blair, when you're. What?

Let's go. Come on. Blair, when you're at the Oscars. Blair, I love this level of comfort you're at now. I feel like I belong. Yeah, I feel like I'm a part of the fam. This is great. There's a casual vibe that I think everyone's going to respond to. I don't know a ton about how these award ceremonies work. I did host the IFC Spirit Awards nomination special once, and they told me I was going to get tickets to the Spirit Awards, and I did not. Blair, when you are at the Oscars as a writer on the Oscars, do you have to be on hand in case of last minute gags?

hand in case of last minute gags. Yeah. We were in a little room to the side of the stage where Jimmy would come after he would leave the stage. And I don't think they ended up needing us for anything, but that's where we were. Did he have a nice chair in there? He did. He had a nice little chair and like with a little mirror that he could look at himself in and he did have a nice chair.

Thank you for asking about that. You're welcome. As comfort as of utmost importance. He had a nice chair. Can you for asking about that. You're welcome. His comfort is of utmost importance. He had a nice chair. Can I say this? The man's earned it. He's hosting Hollywood's biggest night. Give him a nice chair.

That's the least they could do. Give him a nice chair. I don't know if it was nice enough. Travolta's on stage right now. He's crying. He's sobbing. Yeah. Poor Travolta.

Is there a swag bag? We didn't get the swag bags, but there are swag bags. And I think this year they, I don't even know what was in them. I heard someone say they were giving out like pieces of land in Australia, but I don't know if that's true. I might, this might be misinformation. I'm sorry. I don't know. I haven't Googled it, but there were swag bags for sure. We didn't get them. We did get sweatshirts that say Oscars on them. And I saw David Byrne walking around wearing the sweatshirt that I have.

Whoa. Because he got one too. Holy moly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was amazing. He was just walking around raw. Like nobody, he was just walking around like a dude. He had a little orange backpack on. Are you telling me David Byrne from the Talking Heads was raw dogging the Oscars backstage? He was just walking around like a dude. He had a little orange backpack on. Are you telling me David Byrne from The Talking Heads was raw-dogging the Oscars backstage? He was. At rehearsal. Holy moly.

It was so cool. When you fuck the Oscar, it tells you it doesn't want you to wear a condom. And you're like, is this okay? And it says it's had its tubes tied. It tells you it's had its tubes tied. And you're like well i mean i'm here let's go you know like you're not gonna say no to that yeah this is hollywood's biggest night right and then it says i'm hollow filled me up yeah well i mean what is that gonna

be solid gold i don't think so no course not. That's why they're hollow. Without a base, without a trace, the Oscars know that. Oh yeah, sure. A lot of things you can do with an Oscar. A lot of things you can do with an Oscar. Big old base on that boy. Big old base.

What were cool celebrities that you saw? David Byrne. I went to the bathroom and Michelle Williams was in there and we were just in the bathroom together for a moment. And I told her I, she looked beautiful. And she said, thanks. I love your dress. And that made me happy. Cool. And when she said that, I just shook my head. No. And then I walked out. I couldn't like form words. You're like, sorry, Michelle Williams. This interaction did not happen. This all took place in my head.

More, more. Poor Michelle Williams. I saw a lot of celebrities because I was standing there with Guillermo on the red carpet and they all come by to talk to him. So fucking like, I don't know why Ryan Seacrest is the most famous person coming to my mind right now. Antonio Banderas, Baz Luhrmann. I mean, so many people. Austin Butler, every celebrity. Brendan Fraser.

Yeah, he was just, we got to go to the Governor's Ball afterward and he was just walking around holding his Oscar and crying. He still had tears in his eyes. You're like, all right. All right, Brendan, we get it. Let's tune it down a little bit. We saw Gods and Monsters.

We know you can do it. We get it. You thought you were done. And now you're the whale. Congratulations. We get it. Now you tune it down a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We saw gods and monsters. We know you can do it. We get it. You thought you were done. And now you're the whale. Congratulations. We get it. Now you're the whale. Oh, man.

The after party had a lot of food, though. That governor's ball had chicken and waffles and a big table with cheese. Yeah, it was amazing. Does the governor host the governor's ball? That's what I want to know. Or is it for governors only? Well, I'm not a governor, so it must be that the governor host but the governor of what california great question something else yeah the governor of a nascar car that prevents it from going too fast

interesting that there was chicken and waffles that That seems like such a fucking minefield when everyone is dressed nice. Like that is the sloppiest, toppiest food, right? Yeah, and it was just like little bites. And so they'd had like a toothpick, but no one was at the chicken and waffles line. It was just me. I think because they thought it would be messy,

but there was no line there, just me and like one other dude eating all the chicken and waffles. Hell yeah. It was delicious. Did they give you a dip in cup no they didn't they didn't wow i'm sorry so it so it's raw like sex with the oscar they said it would be fine the waffles tubes have been tied i won't get pregnant, says the waffle. We're in a hot tub.

At the governor's ball, I would think you would get your maple syrup straight out of the tree. They'd bring the trees there from Vermont. I would think so, too. Thanks a lot, Gavin Newsom. And they'd tap them for you. There'd be a man there to tap it for you. No, no such thing. They were like, here's the syrup. And they pointed to a bottle. And I said, thank you. Wow. Just a straight up bottle, like a squeeze bottle, like a squeeze

bottle. They said, here it is. Just a log cabin. Gee whiz. I know. Celebrities are just like us. At least get that Trader Joe's 100. I bet this was breakfast syrup. I bet this wasn't even maple syrup. I bet this was a breakfast syrup. One was like a cayenne maple. It was good. Oh, that does sound good. Yeah. You know where I bet

they're tapping the trees? Elton's party. Oh, God, yeah. That's where you're getting a freshly tapped tree. Didn't get an invite to that. Yeah. You know what?

Guillermo can't get you in? He probably could. He probably could get me in anywhere. Make some calls. Tell Guillermo can't get you in? He probably could. He probably could get me in anywhere. Make some calls. Tell Guillermo next time, make some calls. You want fresh syrup. This isn't... I mean...

Yeah. Can I just say? You can say it. It's not the Lieutenant Governor's ball. This isn't the State assembly speaker's ball. You're right to say that. What do you think this is? The insurance commissioner's ball?

Let's tap some trees. Running out of state offices, I know, Jordan. You went on a school trip to Sacramento at some point, right? Comptroller? Yeah, what about the comptroller's ball trollers actually comptroller's ball is kind of cool yeah a lot of people it's a little more like indie sleaze like that's kind of the vibe yeah it's kind of pbrs and trucker hats kind of deal mozzarella sticks it's fun it's like more fun though it's like more more real did you go

last year when the yayayas were performing or did you go this year and see chick chick chick yeah three only three name bands yeah get to perform at the comptroller's ball did you guys know that as an eisner nominee i will be in an in memoriam segment wow that's incredible wait hold on i can't wait to die wait are you telling me people die jordan oh boy god we didn't we ran right past this okay blair i can't tell how are we gonna explain it to him i did sex so you have to do death well it's a lot like sex actually it's cool if you do it in a hot tub yeah yeah, yeah. It doesn't count if you do it in a hot tub. If you die in a hot tub, you can't get a ghost pregnant. Just say stuff, whatever.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, is supported directly by audience members. This is basically what this means, Jordan. Yes. When you go to MaximumFun.org slash join, you choose a membership level. Five bucks a month is the basic membership level. Then you click some boxes for what MaxFun shows you listen to. Your support is directly divided between those shows that you listen to. Your money is

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but we do look forward to pleasing you, the MaxFun members. So if our pain could bring you some joy, then we are glad to suffer through Smokey and the Bandit 3, a movie that I don't know if it came out in theaters or not, but... Jordan, let me say this too. It was direct to Laserdisc and only Laserdisc. Right. You could only watch it in the public library. direct to Laserdisc and only Laserdisc. Right. You can only launch it in the public library. Smoky and the Bandit 3. I think we can make it to a thousand. My true belief in my heart is that we can make it to a thousand new members, boosting members and upgrading members. You can also, by the way, get a gift subscription for somebody or an anonymous person that counts too but i think we can make it to a thousand if we make it to a thousand our friend linda holmes of npr's pop culture happy hour yes that's

right npr's pop culture happy hour celebrity linda holmes has pledged at her suggestion i want to point out to cover the episode of 90210 where Burt Reynolds played himself. So we will cover this as content for members. This will be the first episode of 90210 I have ever watched. You know what, Jordan? I don't think I've ever watched it. I was making dinner trying to remember if I had ever watched an episode or if I just knew things about it from people saying it all the time. I was like the peach pit. I know that's something. I think that's, no, nevermind. I was thinking, I'm just going to say that's saved by the bell, but I think they hang on to that. That was the max. Sorry. So yeah, peach pit is 90210, I think, but it could be Melrose

Place. I feel like I saw an episode or two of Melrose Place, but I don't think I've ever seen that. Look, that's not the point. The point is on one of these episodes. There's no need to figure it out now. We're not to a thousand. It's irrelevant if we don't get to a thousand. Linda will explain it. Go to MaximumFun.org slash join.

Let's make this happen. You get not just our Burt Reynolds show, but literally like 12 trillion hours of Jordan Jesse goes are in the MaxFun bonus content now. So go to MaximumFun.org slash join. That's only for members. We have Adam Pranica, Allie Gertz, Maddie Myers, Alonso Doralde, Stuart Wellington, and Liz Gilbert on those Burt Reynolds episodes. Look, I know that I say this a lot.

Reynolds episodes. Look, I know that I say this a lot. There are many membership levels from $5 up to as many dollars as you want to give us to support this program. And that is wonderful. The thing that makes me feel great, the reason our number has to do with new members and not dollar amounts. The thing that makes me feel great is people saying this is worth paying for. And you might have the means for it to be $100 a month. You might have the means for it to be $5 a month. I have no negative feelings about any of those only beautiful positive feelings only gratitude for the support five dollars a month is every bit as meaningful to me as the folks who give us a camaro every month which i mean i at this point it's too many camaros hold on i haven't seen a single camaro jesse have you been getting Camaros in the mail? Are we supposed to be splitting these? You can't

mail Camaros, Jordan. I don't know. I don't have a single... I don't know. A bikini babe brings them to me. Okay, so are these supposed to be for both of us? Some of them, sometimes it's a bikini hunk. Okay. Well, it's still... Like with a sling around his daughter. I mean, I want

to see... I want to see the hunks and I also want to drive anyway we'll figure out i need all the thing i need the camaros there i need them for for my charity work okay listen we'll figure out this camaro conundrum later but we got some more show for you that's my favorite encyclopedia brown. I can't believe he dies at the end. You know what? He should not have been driving that fast on public roads. No, you're right.

RIP. Yeah, RIP to him and Paul Walker. We respect them all. Maximumfun.org slash join is where you can go to become a member. And please do. This really is. This is what pays for this show. It means a lot to us when you do it. Maximum member. And please do. This really is. This is what pays for this show. It means a lot to us when you do it. Maximumfund.org slash join.

It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. A Jordanris boy detective i'm blair erskine the ghost that can't get you pregnant in the hot tub the ghost can't get you pregnant the ghost that can't get pregnant i'm a ghost in the hot tub well if the ghost can't get you pregnant that's a surprise to me because i have heard incredible things about ghost semen well you have the floor tell us i've just heard that it's incredibly curious what have you heard it's incredibly powerful with with pregnancy that's why that's why a lot of fertility doctors will turn you into a ghost have you fuck in the back room,

and bring you back Flatliner style. Mm. You know, as long as you're not. Blair, I love this role for you. If someone says something stupid, just force them to explain it. I thought, I wanted to, I love to learn. What are you talking about?

What do you mean? Go into that. Flatliners is great. They remade it a couple of years ago. Nobody watched it. Yeah. Including me. I didn't watch it.

Neither. Well, tell me about it. Flatliners, the movie that wasn't stupid. What I said, Jesse. People in your beds.

What was the most exciting moment at the Oscar Awards? I want to be right about this. I think it's when Michelle Williams told me I look pretty in the bathroom. You mean for me personally or for everyone? I would love just one time for michelle williams to tell me i look pretty in the bathroom would be great and michelle williams is like hey hey um hot tip very short line at the waffle bar yeah she fucking loves waffles you can have some if there's some left after i'm done after What would you say are the top five waffle celebrities?

Number one, obviously, is Michelle Williams. But what are five through two? Jonathan Bisquick. Sure, of course. Jonathan Bisquick. That's a pancake. That doesn't even... You can make waffles from Bisquick, Blair.

I'm fine. Blair, you can make waffles from Bisquick. It's fine. Patrick Buttersworth. Sure. Patty Butts, of course. Thaddeus Butterworth walked so Mrs. Butterworth could run. Behind every

great syrup man is a syrup woman. Thank you, Jordan. Trying to catch up. Jordan, can you explain that for me uh yeah so i can yes uh you know history um you know often highlights the work of men but really behind the scenes the strings the syrup if you will, are being pulled by strong, brave, sexy syrup women who can have it all. This made me think, you know how when somebody eats pizza in a commercial, the cheese stretches out? Oh, God, yeah.

The syrup strings are from when you eat the waffle and the syrup stretches out. Oh, God, yeah. The syrup strings are from when you eat the waffle, and the syrup stretches out. These strings are a metaphor for history, Jesse, but... Oh, okay. The syrup represents, of course, the open veins of Latin America, as Eduardo Galeano taught us. Yes, thank you.

And, of course, the final greatest waffle celebrity is Ted Cruz he's he can't keep a a consistent opinion about anything i'm sorry i really need this colbert job how is it is that okay i really need the job my health insurance is about to crap out jordan i can't speak for everyone here but i I applaud it. Thank you. You didn't laugh though, right? Don't laugh.

Did you laugh? Okay, good. No laughs, no laughs, just applause. I admired your dignity. Right, exactly. Is Colbert hiring? Is this something that's happening? I don't even know, Blair.

Are you thinking about switching, Blair? No, no, no, no, no, no. This man just got you on the Oscars staff. No, I'm staying here as long as they let me. Please don't fire me. I heard Colbert's hosting the Cable Ace Awards this year. The Cable Ace Awards? Do you want to write on Cable Ace? What do you want to write on?

I don't. Blockbuster Entertainment Awards? Come on. Don't. I don't. What do you want to write? Jokes about best kiss for music television? Give me a break. Oh, yeah. You're in Hollywood's biggest night, the Oscar Awards. I don't. What do you want to write? Jokes about best kiss for music television? Give me a break.

You're in Hollywood's biggest night, the Oscar Awards. You're right. I saw Britton Fraser cry in person. In person. Not everyone gets that. I get to tell my kids. You should have put your waffle underneath his head so the tears fell onto the waffle. Sweeter than any syrup I've heard are the tears of a man who thought he was done in hollywood until he became the whale beautiful next time that was gorgeous the renaissance is here no tear sweeter than a problematic tear i tried watching that movie earlier today

and i couldn't you know what i watched the movie pie. Yeah. Aaron Aronofsky filmed Pie. Yes. Watched that in a movie theater. And, you know, the main guy gets migraine headaches. And it's a really intense depiction of migraine headaches. And I think his next one maybe was Requiem for a Dream. Mm-hmm. And I was like, I don't need to watch any more of these motherfuckers. I'm out.

I'm done. Stop there. I don't need to watch any more of these motherfuckers. I'm out. I'm done. Look, when this guy directs a Ghost Rider movie or whatever, sure. I'll watch that shit. Yeah, let Aronofsky reboot Ghost Rider. I don't need to watch any Descents into anything.

You know what I mean? I had to take like a Kalana, but after I watched Mother in the theaters. That really stressed me out with the sink not being braced. Did you guys watch Mother? You know, I'm a Mother fan. I know it's a divisive movie. I liked it. It was stressful as hell. Yeah, it's really stressful.

Like before the baby eating, it's stressful. Like when it's just like, what if people came over to your house and wouldn't leave? That's what I couldn't get behind. Yeah, yeah. And my sink isn't braced yet. And then an hour later, people are smashing babies. But like, yeah, the baby's the least of our problems. Yeah, I like mother. I understand if someone says, I didn't like that. I would go, you're that is fine. I will not try and convince you. No, no, no. I enjoyed it. I'm a mother. Ninety three guy. Glenn Danzig. Oh, yeah. You know that one, right, no. I enjoyed it. I'm a mother 93 guy. Glenn Danzig.

Oh, yeah. You know that one, right, Blair? No, I don't. What are you talking about, Jessie? Who's Danzig? Explain. I was two. Okay.

Look, when something momentous happens to you, give us a call. 206-984-4FUN. Or just send us an email with a voice memo at jjgoe at MaximumFun.org. Here's someone who did that. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is James from Pittsburgh calling with a momentous occasion. The other night I was walking home from the corner store and the two old guys who are always across the street from the church talking to each other were across the street from the church talking and the two old guys who are always across the street

from the church talking to each other were across the street from the church talking to each other one of them had just taken off his hat and was saying and I still got the holes in my head from it here touch him touch him and the other old guy had backed away a step or two And was shaking his head And saying I don't want to touch it I wish I had any further context

Or details to give you about this scenario I do not Heart of the Rock What is a river Rock over London, rock on Chicago Weedies, breakfast of champions. Thanks, guys. I'd touch it.

Fuck it. Why not? Where I thought that was going was he's like, and then I saw the, you know, the two men who stood across the street from the church talking

and I heard one say to the other, that's when I was carrying you. I heard the two men, two old men, two old men, stand across from the church and talk. Overheard one saying to the other, you ever really think about pizza?

It's great stuff. Incredible stuff, pizza. I've been getting contemplative as I've gotten older. Right. Jesse, are you doing a writing sample for Prairie Home Companion? That's still a show? No, no thank god let's bring it back yeah now's the time now more than ever yes america clamors for creepy massager garrison keeler and he told the old man that indeed i would touch the holes in my head. And he said, I don't want to touch them.

And every day we have biscuits. Well, that's Lutherans for you. Gales of laughter. Gales of laughter. They're ripping off their shirts. People hurling scarves at him. Time to sing. That's what happens next on the show.

How do we move on from that? How are we supposed to stop thinking about the holes? Yeah. How did they get there? Yeah. Were they a crucifixion metaphor? I don't know. I like to think those guys just do this little skit for people like the caller who like to listen in.

Mind your business. You weren't just passing by and you didn't just hear that, I would say. Blair, I don't know what you know and don't know about old men who stand around talking across the street. All they want is for other people to know their business. These are the loudest men when i used to live in the western edition in san francisco old men would have full conversations standing one across the street from the other at opposite ends of the block like do you know a good podiatrist one would say and the other one would would scream

back hell yes i do chop the bunions right off my foot or whatever my days of eating doing a lot of solo diner eating are behind me we know buddy you got your diner club now part of a club i wouldn't want to be part of any club that i have diners as a member but at the height of my interest in like eating really early alone at a diner like it was me and 10 of these guys each in a booth by themselves right everybody's either got a newspaper or a novel from the library no thank you and yeah just like everyone just like trying their best to get someone to ask them anything just like guys sitting there going like oh and just like i'm like oh god oh, oh, oh, oh.

And just like, I'm like, oh, God, what does this guy want to talk about? What does he want to talk about? He wants to talk about the Michael Chabon novel he's reading. Right. Yeah. He's like, oh, the art of fielding. Oh, let's talk about this. Oh, did you ever ask?

Did you ever inquire? Did you silently just eat your food? No, I can't. I have can't. I can't get those. Those things seem like they'll be fun. But like getting trapped in those conversations really, really stresses me out. I always want to like bail. Yeah. To me, they're like fun for two minutes and then they bum me out. I want Darren Aronofsky to direct a movie about you talking to an old man at a diner. Finally, I can get my Oscar. Finally.

I love... Now, Jordan, I think I'm the opposite of you because I love those conversations, even if I do sometimes get stuck in them because I love... There's something about the stakes that I love. The stakes being I want to converse. Love a steak at a diner. 15 bucks. Where can you get a steak for 15 bucks?

Got to put a lot of A1 on there. Yeah, sure. Not a great piece of meat, but you know. No. It was probably choice. What are you talking about? Like a choice New York strip, probably? It's got to be a New York strip.

Yeah. Steak salad. Like I'll talk to to be a New York strip. Yeah. Steak salad. Like I'll talk to people at the flea market. Yeah. You know, I go to the flea market on Sundays. I'll talk to one of these flea market weirdos for 10 minutes. I don't give a shit. Because I'll tell you why.

I am full up on real human relationships. I want to hear about what area of brooklyn someone grew up in playing stickball like i don't want to connect with someone you just want them to talk near you yeah just well i just want to like i want to demonstrate my you know avuncularity i want to be I want to demonstrate my, you know, avuncularity. I want to be friendly and polite to someone. I get a kick out of that. Get a kick out of being friendly and polite to a weird older person.

And then I want to hear some weird shit they have to say. And hopefully it's not political in nature. Sure. You know, but I want to hear about, you know know marbles or some shit marbles are cool yeah i agree i like i like talking to old people anywhere and old men especially but the thing like when you're a woman and talking to these guys like at a flea market or anywhere any like a walmart they always they'll end the conversation by telling you you're like a well-built woman or some weird fucking compliment like that.

Some Michelle Williams type shit. Some Michelle Williams type shit. You look like you know how to hold a shovel. Yeah, like you're a sturdy broad. What the fuck? What are you talking about? Wait, stout? Why would you say that?

Like a compliment. My gracious. I think the proviso I would add to that is I want to be on my feet when I have that conversation. Because when it's time to go, I don't want to have to go through something. I just want to be done. I'm out of there. You know what I mean? Absolutely.

One foot out the door. I think that's your problem, Jordan, in the diners. If you start talking to somebody about what they think of the bridge column that they're working on, then all of a sudden you're locked in. And the whole time you're eating your waffles, this person's telling you about shooting the moon. Right. Benton Bridge or Just in Hearts? It's the only one I've played. Pacle they got that hard to say anyway to say if someone invited you right now now blair yeah you're married

jordan let's just say you were married i'm working on it okay we have stickers now that say i'm working on it by the way yeah he's got the i'm working on it sticker from the max fun drive hashtag max fun drive maximum fun.org join if a neighbor couple who you didn't know well had no strong impression of positive or negative you'd seen them around and and nodded your head to hello maybe exchange some pleasantries when they're out in the front yard or equivalent in the halls of the apartment building in the elevator whatever if they invite you over for bridge night are you going boy i yeah no i yeah sure if if they're fine you know the risk is i don't know how to play bridge

and we'll be bad at it now i don't care that much personally but i know that sometimes others do your wife yeah my yes in this situation yeah so i think if you know it's a risk it's if they're like oh we're just here to fuck around you know it's like if you you know there's a risk it's if they're like oh we're just here to fuck around you know it's like if you you know there's nothing nicer than a nice chill settlers of katan group but there could be a real katan head in there who you know gets mad at people for going into the build phase before he's done trading his livestock you know you don't want to end up dealing with one of these ticket-to-riders. Thank you. Yeah, no, in this scenario, I'll give this bridge a shot.

What about Pinnacle? I don't know how to play any of these games, so all equal to me. Pinnacle, funnier word, so maybe I'm more excited about that. Can I ask you one more, Jordan? Are you just going to say another card game? Canasta. I was just thinking about Canasta. How about this, Blair?

Yeah. How about this? Miss Jackson, if you're Canasti. Some ladies from church invite you for Mahjong. Are you going? Oh, boy. Yes, I am. Yeah.

I would go, too, because I love the click-clack sound. I don't know how to play, but I love that click-clack. Yeah, I do, too. Those tiles really feel good in the hand, you know? Yeah, and they'll have snacks, too, there. I think the old ladies will. They'll probably have one of those things that's made in a slow cooker out of cheese yeah yeah rotel depp or something so yeah something yeah with like uh buffalo chicken something yes that sounds

great and the ladies are playing pinnacle and they're talking shit about the priest they're talking shit about one of the priests they like the other one i don't know maybe they like the young one if they're talking shit about one of the priests they like the other one i don't know maybe they're like the young one if they're listening invite us yeah come on elderly church ladies we know you love this show invite us to your clickety-clack games blair you said invite us i truly thought you said i know they're listening fight us let's fucking go see you guys behind the bleachers blair's like i got two dresses let's do this michelle williams will back us up she'll go fabelman's on your ass

blair have we talked to you about your early use of the internet before? No, you haven't. Please talk, ask. When did you get on the internet? We got a computer. I was, I was 10, I believe. And that's when, but I lived in the middle of nowhere. And so we didn't like, we were a few years behind on the internet thing. And when we got it, it wasn't good, but I believe I was 10 when I started. And I got to use the computer for 30 minutes a day. And we had that big book of websites that you could go to. Remember that big book of websites? No, I never had the website book. What kinds of websites were in this book?

I think that's where I found Neopets. It had to have been. Yeah. Under Ann? Yeah. Yeah. It was, you know, the book I'm talking about, right? There was an internet yellow pages and an internet white pages. I remember my experience with the internet goes back far enough that I remember not remembering

someone's email address and looking it up in a book. What? That's a hundred percent true. There was a internet white pages and I looked up someone's email address in it i think it was our family friend cliff wow where did you get the books this part i do not remember i think they were mailed out right like a phone book or something is that possibly true the yellow pages i can see because people are buying advertisements in there. Yeah. They're trying to get you to buy their Neopets. I will. I did. What were you up to on Neopets? Is that a... Yeah, I was

killing my Neopets. I was doing those, like, those... What are they called? Poogle? Poggle races? I was doing... Did you guys ever Neopets before? This is like a dark web. I was also... You could exchange Neopets for heroin. I should check web i was also you could exchange neopets for heroin i should check out you could exchange them for poppy seeds which you then had to make into heroin yourself sure

yeah a guy posts an ad for a green day cd but you can see the heroin behind the cd i was a big yahoo checkers kid as well. And talking to people on Yahoo checkers. What were the top clicks in your high school? Of course you had jocks, you had theater kids, Yahoo checkers, punk rockers, and their giant flappy creepers.

They're blisters. Nothing's more punk rock than applying blister cream to your feet every night because of your horrible shoes you know what i got a good podiatrist jordan okay i'll help you out with that does he take neopets what happens on neopets player you guys haven't you've never no i think we're four years too old to have Neopets. No. You pick a pet and you feed them and you can buy them things. Nothing really happens. I'm not even saying it. It sounds kind of, it's like having a Tamagotchi, but on the computer and you can, it's, you

can, there's a little picture of it and you can, you can bet on little races and you can bet on cheese rolls, like where you roll cheese down a hill. You can do these Wheel of Fortune type games. This is like the Sega Dreamcast game Seaman, only with children's gambling. Maybe. So that's what it sounds like. Jordan, can you confirm this? It does, yes.

Blair, Seaman is a game for the Dreamcast where a fish with the head of a man asks things of you. You say Sega, right? Because some people say Sega. Who says Sega? Nobody says Sega. Yeah, on Get Played, they say Sega. Sega. Sega.

I know. Let's call the whole thing off. Our friend Nick Weiger says Sega. No, no, no, no, no.

Sometimes Heather says Sega. Heather Ann Campbell. Yeah. She's the best. She should know. Well, I think she's right. Like I want to follow her.

I'm saying, I'm saying, maybe we should be saying Sega. I think we have to say Sega now. Sega. I'm a Sega bitch. Kind of rolls off the tongue like this now. I was saying Sega, but now I'm-

We're going to say Sega now. Sega feels good. Jesse, try it. Say Sega. Sega. Sega. Yeah. Yeah, all right.

I don't see why not. We're not going to argue with her. I don't want to start a fight on this podcast. I, right. I don't see why not. We're not going to argue with her. I don't want to start a fight on this podcast. I like her. She doesn't know I exist. I'm going to try saying Seaman. Seaman. Seaman.

Sounds good. I like it. So this game, it's called, explain it to me again. He's a fish with a man head blair believe it or not we were leading into a piece of prepared content you could look up c-man in your own time and i insist that you do yes okay i'm ready for the prepared content so here's what we have been doing on the show. We've been talking to our friends about their early internet memories, but also our listeners have been emailing

jordanjessegoeataol.com, a real email address that we have, and telling us about their early internet memories. And they're doing it anonymously, so it can be as shameful as you want it to be. And here is one such message. It was the early 90s and I was probably in third or fourth grade when our classroom got a row of four computers with internet access.

I had a project about the Aztec culture do, and I thought a picture of some ruins would look cool on a Bristol board. Hell yeah, it would. Good call, third or fourth grader. Can I just tell you this, Jordan? Yeah. call third or fourth grader. Can I just tell you this, Jordan?

Yeah. No fucking way could you get me to do a Bristol board display in 2023. That's my worst, literally my worst nightmare. I guess maybe I don't know what a Bristol board is. I'm thinking of a poster board. Yeah, like a cardboard or foam core poster

board, the kind that folds into three chunks of cryptptych. Classic school presentation materials. You could call me up tomorrow, Jordan. Yeah. Say, I got to do a Bristol board about the ancient Aztecs. I got the glue sticks. I already went to the craft store.

I got the purple glue sticks, the good ones where you can see where the glue is yeah those are great and they dry clear i got a color bubble jet i got in carta and i'm ready to go i'll give you a thousand dollars to do it today i would say no i got other shit to do okay i fucking hate that shit everybody has hate that shit. Everybody has a price, Jesse. Everyone has a price. We'll find yours. Trade wives, yes. Make a Bristol board, absolutely not.

The writer. Just so you know, Blair, Jordan doesn't have a wife. He's working on it. I'm working on it. And a son. You're working on it. I'm working on it. Hey, I'm holding up the sticker. Nobody working on it hey i'm holding up the sticker

nobody's watching but i'm holding up the sticker and they're laughing at the sticker maximum fun dot org slash join get your sticker anyway the writer goes on to write so my first time on a computer with absolutely no understanding of how any of that stuff worked, I shoot from the hip and go to ancient.ruins.com slash Aztec. To my absolute surprise, the browser self-corrects and I'm presented with a picture of a topless woman with her arms shackled to the wall above her head. My limited tech savvy meant I didn't know how to make it go away, so I just sort of sat there embarrassed while my peers directly beside me reacted wildly until the teacher came to rescue slash scold me.

The worst part was in the aftermath not one adult believed a prepubescent boy with his first unsupervised access to the internet instantly

accidentally found boobs. Now, in the email that Daniel forwarded to us ancient.ruins.com slash aztec is hyperlinked.'m gonna click on it

and see what happens yeah see what happens jordan i get to see some of these boobs i've heard so much about now site can't be reached that's disappointing how anticlimactic daniel send me some links to some boobs god damn it daniel you're a producer produce if you want to send us an early internet memory, send it to jordangessiegoe at aol.com. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Gessico. It's Jordan Gessicoe. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

A Jordan Morris boy detective. Can I, is it okay okay I know that we were talking about Camaros and stuff earlier and obviously I owe you a few of the Camaros sure I'll take one one Camaros fine man can I give you two half Camaros okay can I have four Camaros but only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays? You're looking for split custody of the Camaros? Yeah. You'll be weekend Camaro dad. I don't know. Maybe you can have summers and I'll have the Camaro school year. Done. Okay. Take them to Disneyland.

Maximumfun.org slash join. No, do you mind if I am sincere for a moment? Let's do it. Let's have some sincere time. Because we, Daniel went out and asked people about what Jordan Jessigo means to them. And I want to read this one that he gave me. I've not read this yet, but I'm going to read it now. This is from David K. I've been listening to Jordan Jesse Go since episode 11. Over the years, maybe once, has it taken me more than a week to get to

a new episode. The humoring guests are great, but it's the pure friendship between Jordan and Jesse that really stand out. A healthy male platonic relationship. The world still frowns on these, but it means so much to me every time I witness it. Thank you so much for that, David. That is very sincerely touching. I will say this, you know, I often say Jordan is the funniest person I've ever met. It's the absolute truth. I feel so lucky to get to come here and see Jordan every week. You know, we have been working together now for more than 20 years, which is just awe-inspiring to me. We are coming up on, I think we've basically each worked together for about half our lives, maybe a little more. And it is a joy to me every single time I do it. You know, when my life was fucked beyond reason, the thing that I look forward to most was going and doing Jordan, Jesse go to the point where sometimes when I was driving around aimlessly trying to get my head on straight, I would listen to Jordan

and just laugh and laugh and laugh at things that I had forgotten Jordan said. And I want to say that like every time I step into this studio and do this show my friend of 20 years is because people who like this show and totally don't have to, in order to get it, choose to sign up and pay for it. That is, every bit as awe-inspiring to me as having had the chance to work with Jordan for 20 years. Every week I am touched and moved by that. Yeah. It's really, really awesome that we can come here and just dick around every week, no matter how weird or difficult or seemingly unmanageable life can be sometimes. And I really love that this has been something I've gotten to do for so long. And yeah,

I really love it that folks step up and support it. It really means a lot. And we are happy to do this for as long as folks want to keep it coming. So thank you to everyone. And Jesse, I got another nice message here from EJ Fetis on Twitter. It's the MaxFunDrive, and that gets me thinking about how much maximum fun means to me. Jordan Jessico taught me how to deal with grief, despite also spending weeks discussing how long it would take to fill a container with cum. Now, Jordan, I need to be, first of all, I'm glad that we were able to help you in your darkest times. Second of all, I don't want you to to help you in your darkest times yes second of all i don't want you to mischaracterize this when you say we spent weeks discussing this like

we spent at most half an hour discussing it each week for a number of weeks right maybe six or eight weeks maybe 12 weeks i don't remember exactly, but somewhere in the, well, it was 13 weeks initially, but then they picked up the back nine of weeks of us only spending half an hour. So that's not technically. We're splitting hairs here, Jesse. People are inspired by us and our come talk. Yeah. It's very important to them.

They love it. And us. So many people out there don't have the vessels, whether it's pails, jugs, cups, whatever. Sure. Those metal milkshake cups. Yeah, sure. A lot of times, you know, what happens is you pour it into the cup, but there's still some in there and the person waiting on you lets you keep that extra. That's nice of them. It always makes you feel like you're getting a value. Hey, speaking of values. I'm glad we're being heartfelt this break. Beautiful. Speaking of values, you can get a lot of cool stuff if you give for the first time or

you upgrade your membership. Five bucks a month. Yeah, it's doable, we hope, for you. You get all that bonus content, over 500 hours, our special Burt Reynolds show, all the other stuff. There are some Q&A episodes of Jordan Jesse go on that bonus content that have shockingly sincere Q&As about you and me, Jordan. Yeah, a lot of fun stuff. We did the Q&A episodes. We did a drinking game where I and Ben Harrison drank, I think, warm Bud Lights. Jesse drank weed soda. We've got two more Burt Reynolds episodes in there. We've got Malone and White Lightning, I believe. Tons of fun bonus content. At $10 a month, you can get all that bonus content and

a reusable sticker for any show on the network. But if you want to pick Jordan, Jesse, go. We have a beautiful I'm working on it sticker that you can put on your car or your laptop or whatever and let people know that you're trying to get a son. Let's just say you have a kid who just turned 16. And let's just say he's your little fella. Oh, geez. I'm sorry. Is that a sore subject for you jordan yeah jesse i don't have a son come on man have you thought about i'm working on there we go that's the sticker folks these are all cumulative at the 20 a month level there is all kinds of cool

stuff at the 35 a month level there's all kinds of cool stuff at the 35 a month level there's all kinds of cool stuff it's a signature spice oh yeah put it on your taters that's what i like to say i used uh some of that signature spice blend on some boring old broccoli this week how'd it go i turned it into a flavor explosion this spice is so good that it would make ge Herbert Walker Bush like broccoli. Okay, because he famously didn't like broccoli. That was like a famous thing about him, if I'm not mistaken. Anyway, $35 a month, you get all that stuff. And their special MaxFun cookbook and a killer apron,

a hundred bucks a month, you get all that stuff. Plus the HQ access pass, which is special hangouts with MaxFunTalent and staff doing fun stuff together. Look, I'm grateful for those of you who elect the higher levels. It makes a big impact on our bottom line. But at the end of the day, this is what I'm asking you. If you have made it all the way to this part of this episode of Jordan, Jesse go, you probably really like our show. I bet that you can find five bucks a month to support it. And I hope that you will. It's very easy, very simple. Pull your phone out of your pocket, sit down at your computer, go to maximumfund.org slash join. It's Jordan, Jesse Go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Blair Erskine. And the ghost got me pregnant. Oh, no. The ghost got me pregnant. I'm pregnant by the ghost. Jesus. Update.

Are you going to? Keep it. Blair, I don't want to find a point on this. But are you going to have a half-breed baby? We don't like to call them that. Okay, well, it's reality. They're half a live person, half ghost. Yes, I'm going to have the baby.

Wow. I'm going to raise the baby. You can have it all. As a single mother. You can have it all. Thank you. Like the beautiful syrup woman you are. The sturdy, broad syrup lady. Those syrup ladies.

You don't think you're going to get any help from this ethereal father? I have no idea where he is. I can't see him. Yes, all he does is he knocks over glasses and he knocks up ladies that's hey uh these men alive or dead they're all alike yeah spectral oh my god i'm trying to write for the reboot of nine to five this is working my health insurance is about to shit the bed oh my god my mom sorry i had to tell you my mom texted me the other day and she was like i just saw jane fonda and lily tomlin on i guess like cbs sunday

morning or something and jane fonda was talking about how there hasn't been a nine to five reboot because she can't find anyone who really wants to delve into the history of like women in the workplace and shit my mom was like you you can do it call call. She's brought it up multiple times. She's like, well, when you write the nine to five reboot, like I'm not going to. Do you want to go in half on the option on that? Yeah. What do you think?

Yeah. What do you think it's going to cost? I got a line on a thousand dollars I can get, but you're going to have to do some poster boarding. Fuck. Fuck. All right. Get me the good glue sticks.

I'd rather make a goddamn diorama and I don't want to make a goddamn diorama. I'll tell you that much. Never made. Would you rather dissect a frog? I dissect a frog over making a poster board. Yeah. Unless I was allowed to just, if all I needed to do was print shit out on my bubble jet

and then glue it with that purple glue, I'd do that before I dissect a frog. Now, I went to arts high school, so I didn't have to dissect any frogs. We didn't even have frogs. We didn't actually dissect a frog either, but. Did you dissect a frog, Jordan? Yeah, we did a frog and a worm. We did a worm. Dissected a worm did a frog and a worm We did a worm? Dissected a worm What'd you find in there?

I don't want to get into it Don't remind me I don't want to get into it I don't want to get into it I couldn't think of anything funny to say If I got nothing, I'm just going to go I don't want to get into it i couldn't think of anything funny to say if i got nothing i'm just gonna go i don't want to get into it that's fair i mean you can always say you're working on it i'm working on it 69 to 5 is that something yeah yes yes it is can that go in the movie blair yes it can that could be the movie let's make a porn 69 to 5 yeah young people are into ass eating we gotta

adjust this jesus christ it's true i read it in forbes the neopets generation i can't get enough ass munching i read it in forbes wait are you saying saying that the 9 to 5 reboot should be less about women in the workplace and more about analingus? Jesse, Jesse, is that what you're saying? Jesse? That's pretty fucked up. I don't know. Look, I don't know from the internet. What are you saying?

I just thought, I thought I knew what you were saying. Somebody told me, somebody on Reddit told me this. I brought up cottagecore the other day on Jordan Jesse Go which is like fucking Thomas Kinkade type shit but for people on TikTok

it turns out this shit is racist cottagecore? yeah cottagecore is racist because the same the people that want the Thomas Kinkade houses they want it so they can get away from ethnic minorities. What? This is horrible.

What other things are racist? Most. Well, that's true. That's fair. Haven't you heard about our shameful history? And present. And present. And the structures it created. this concave from ass eating

wait yeah jesse i thought you were gonna pitch us on how we could turn dabney coleman into a real ass fiend my point is i don't know about young people and i i'm upset about i know ass eating but i'm not even confident about that because I just found out that cottage core, which I thought I knew about, turns out to be a white supremacist thing. Oh boy. But it's a white supremacist thing about a, like a warm light coming out of the window and a snowy evening in the woods. And you just imagine you're there by the fire talking about not being replaced i guess well that's no that's no cottage i would want to live in i don't want to go in this fucking cottage i'm just worried now that

even maybe ass eating has a scandinavia is find out i would google ass eating white supremacist if i were you is it possible that ass eating is one of those men's rights things? You can eat ass, but if you eat ass, you don't get the same visitation rights after the divorce. That kind of thing.

So, I think the solution and let me know if I'm mischaracterizing this, Jesse. Yeah. So let's just not talk about anything. Seems like a pretty good idea. Yeah, I mean, we're 12 years in at this point. We haven't said shit yet. Don't ruin ass eating for us.

It's all we have. Yeah. Blair, what a delight as always to have you on the program. Thank you very much for joining us. Thank you for having me. Have me back, please. And thank you, of course, to all of the folks who've become members of Maximum Fun. We're so grateful to you.

You still have a little bit of time to do it, but we just want to say thanks. And everybody who's joined, everybody who's upgraded, boosted, everybody who's maintained their membership, we couldn't be more grateful to you. We know that you probably gave up something else to join us. We know that you made this a priority in your life, and thank you. Jesse, can I pitch a way that we can get men's rights guys to leave ass-eating alone? I would love to hear that, Jordan. This is not a fully formed idea, but I think it's a direction we can go in. A butthole kind of looks like a snowflake which they hate it's a great point so

maybe if we say that like oh you know the butthole is the snowflake of the butt these guys are gonna want nothing to do with it you know what i was thinking what do men's rights activists love more than anything else? Men. Rights. You're partly correct, Blair. Pink Floyd. Oh, really?

Yeah. Okay. All men's rights activists love Pink Floyd. Okay. And so the wall should have a part where they go, men's rights activists, leave us eating alone. Perfect. And then the sound of the cash register. Because if they heard Roger Waters say that, you know what I mean?

We have to listen to him. If Roger Waters saying that to them, that's like the Jordan Peterson of music. Sure. You could probably get him to say it that's right right roger waters always owning himself online roger waters known for his intense but creepily distant stare right okay you know what i'll say this okay i'm in a generous mood because of all the people who've joined maximum fun i hope that all the mras out there get their asses eaten and it turns them around because i think it's possible for people to change it's possible for people to change. It's possible for people to get better.

It's possible for people to grow. And I believe that the arc of history bends forever towards justice. And it is bent by analingus specifically. Analingus is what I call good trouble. Jesse, you just beat me out for the job on whatever that John Stewart Apple show is. Fuck! He's got his own Apple show. People forget sometimes.

John Stewart, formerly of The Daily Show. And the John Stewart show on MTV, of course. I just want to say all along, you're just another hole in a butt. That came to me in a dream. Feeling I'm at the laser show at the planetarium. This edible is just kicking in. Oh, my ass feels so good. Oh, I should have just taken half.

Okay, look. It has been a bonkers year on top of several bonkers years. You might have noticed how many podcasting companies have been canceling shows, laying people off. We have been doing the opposite. We have been adding shows and we just became a worker-owned cooperative. We are really committed to doing the best we can in the very tough podcast world right now. Jordan and I are very committed to doing the same. We've been doing this a long time. And the reason that we're able to do it is because you support us. Yeah. And MaxFun is such a great

operation. It's such a cool company to work for because, you know, a lot of podcast companies are now owned by evil conglomerates that give millions of dollars to shitheads. And it's really, really nice to work for Maximum Fun and all the cool members. And yeah, and just kind of feel good about doing this work for a cool audience of cool people. It really, really means a lot. One of the things that we strive for both at Maximum generally on and on this show is demonstrating that there is some fundamental value to people's lives in silly nonsense like i really genuinely believe that artful silly nonsense can impact people's lives in the same way that other forms of art do. And I hope that you feel the same way or that you just feel like it's pretty fun and it's worth a buck.

That's another option for you. But to me, I think that this is actually important. If we get to 750, we'll do Smoky and the Bandit 3. If we get to 1,000, it's 90210 with Linda Holmes. But this isn't about thank yous. This isn't about all this other stuff. It's not even about the bonus content, as great as the bonus content is. What we're really asking is that if you like this show, you pay for it.

It's not something somebody else is going to do. It's something that we're very kindly asking you to do because that's what pays our bills and our producers bills and the bills at Maximum Fun. And because it's our privilege and honor to work for you. So MaximumFun.org slash join is the place to go. And I hope that you'll join us. And yeah, thank you to everybody who's done it so far. A bunch of folks have, and it really feels great. This has been, it's been a really, really fun couple of weeks for me. I always love the MaxFunDrive. It's always nice to be reminded what a cool ass audience we have. Daniel Safran is our producer on the program. Our theme music

is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Our thanks to them. Our sincere thanks again to all the members of MaximumFun.org. We couldn't do it without you is a very, very literal statement. It means the world to us. I'm so excited to have you on board for this new worker-owned MaximumFun.org. We're very proud that you support us. As a worker owner of Maximum Fun, we're very proud. And we'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, Go. I'll hug you and kiss you and love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

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