Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Lap Salad, with Chris Fairbanks

Episode Date: August 10, 2023

This week we welcome back comedian Chris Fairbanks (Do You Need A Ride?) who tells us about quitting drinking, eating a salad in his car, and other healthy choices.Come see Jordan, Jesse, Go! live at the London Podcast Festival in London, England at on September 14th. Buy tickets now at MaximumFun.org/events.Ever tried Microdosing? Visit Microdose.com and use JJGO for 30% off + Free Shipping. 

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Doe. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Well, how's your, how you doing, buddy? I'm doing good. I actually, I saw a piece of entertainment news today. It made me think of you. Oh, wow. Was it about someone failing at having their own NPR show? Like they have their own

NPR show, but it's unsuccessful? No, no. This was a story about the world of music. And I know you're just a big music guy. Records, 45, long plays. Jordan, I love music. It's the stuff of life.

You're always saying that. When I saw this music story, I'm like. It's the stuff of life. You're always saying that. Yeah. When I saw this music story, I'm like. Music and food. Sure. Play on. Play on maestro. Play on chef.

Yes. And warmth of the sun. Don't forget to shine down on us now. Not always. Only sometimes. Sure. Only in the day now. So I saw this and I'm like,

These are the stuffs of life. And I'm like, ah, this is a big story in the world of music. Yeah. Jesse's going to be thrilled. I'm sure you've seen it already, but I'm going to tell you. Oh, yeah. The band Creed is reuniting. Oh, my God.

That's incredible. Yeah. Oh, my God. That's incredible. Yeah. Creed, you know, for our younger listeners, you know, seminal 90s alt rock band, you know. They planted the seed in the womb of Christ. Yes. So, you know, vague, vaguely Christian. But, you know, you kind of had to be listening for it. You know, might be about a girl, could be about Christ. But, you know might be about a girl could be about christ but you know uh they were sort of the people might remember like even younger people probably know nirvana and pearl jam these kinds of bands and then that sort of uh you know that was superseded by certain other

aesthetics pop punk and so forth and it's uh sort of curdled into a nightmare right yeah creed known as creed what if what if we just take the edge off what if this you know all of the good things about that what if we just made them worse sure what this is about this is about you know uh uh being uh being disaffected and being you know upset with society what if this was about how great God was? Yeah, but they would retain the same sort of like, like, ooh, kind of vocal style. That's the main.

So they were gone for a while, but they're back. And they're back in the form of a 90s alternative rock cruise. Oh, all right. So this is exciting. I'm going to read the lineup to you. This is Summer of 99. Summer of 99. Can I make some guesses?

Okay. Our guest on the program. Let's introduce our guest. I'm so sorry. That was very immature of me. No, we're thrilled to have you. First of all, immature, not on the cruise. Yeah.

Second of all, they're on the Tevin Campbell cruise. Oh, now you're switching my language. Actually, same boat, different deck. They're on the Tevin Camel cruise. Actually, same boat, different deck. They're on the Lido deck. The only deck I could think of is Lido. That's on the Boss Gags cruise.

Okay, so we've had a lot of fun. That's the end of the program. Anyway. No, no, it's Boss Gags. Lido Shovel, we're talking about? Oh, that's Boss Gags. Boss Gags. Lido Shuffle, we're talking about? We're talking about that. Oh, that's Boss, baby. R slash Boss Gags, by the way,

if you want to discuss this episode on Reddit. Sometimes people come in there and post about Boss Gags. Fun. We started that Reddit a long time ago. Our guest on the program is stand-up comic, one of the hosts of Do You Need a Ride, one of our favorite guys. Just an all-time Jordan Jesse Goh legend, Chris Fairbanks.

Thanks, guys. Thank you. And Chris has some guesses to share. Oh, I'm just the lineup. I have the lineup here. Yeah, if you guys want to just, I mean, this is, mainly I want to talk about- Hooba Stank will be on there. Great guess, no. Oh, really?

Yeah. Golly. Couldn't get the stank. Really? See, now, I feel like I'm cheating because I worked in the- You're a huge music guy. I'm a huge music guy and I worked in the young women's section of Macy's in 1999. This is where you would hear a lot of these hits.

But if Creed is there, it might be heavier than I expected. But my first guess was LFO. No, LFO not on the bill. And yeah, I think your first instinct was right. This is more, I think they're more pop. This is more guitar driven. So Stained is on there. No, great guess.

No, no Stained. I have a story about that guy. Okay. I'm going to say. We'll get to your Stained story at some point. I'm going to say The Guess Who. Not The Guess Who. No.

Are you ready? Can I? The Grassroots. Not the guess who. No? Are you ready? Can I? The grassroots. No, great guess. Okay, let's hear the actual. Okay, so Creed, of course,

three doors down, Buckcherry, Tonic, Vertical Horizon, Fuel, the Verve pipe. The Verve pipe's just in there.

Yeah. I actually like that. Well, they're probably, I mean, at the end of the day, let's say you're in the Verve pipe. You're in the Verve pipe. Yeah, always in the PM, yes.

Let's say that you're in the Verve pipe. Somebody calls you up and says. That tight, nasty little pipe. Ooh, that pipe. Somebody calls you up and says, we'd like to offer you a lucrative concert opportunity, plus you get to go swimming in the Bahamas, what do you say? You say, yeah, sure. Fuck it. Yeah, sure.

I'm not above this. Will there be room temperature shellfish? Would you like to play somewhere that's not a county fair? Yeah. There will be funnel cake. But, I mean, obviously, like, the big story here. All these bands are great. Some of the greatest bands of all time.

It's a Creed cruise. And I think that's really awesome that there's a Creed cruise. And, I don't know, it just kind of made me want to sing about it. Okay, I'm going to open it up. Okay, so just so you know, Chris, Jordan has the spirit of song in his heart. Right. I don't know if you, you worked with him for a long time, obviously, on Fuel. I have not heard him express himself. Been a guest on the show many times.

In any ways. If it helps explain what's about to happen, I'll just say. Yeah, I'm just getting my phone to play a karaoke track here. Jordan has the spirit of song in his heart. I was just so excited about this Creed cruise. You think you know a guy. So here's the thing, Chris. Yeah.

He'd hate Tide is Light Under a Bushel. Can't do it. No. Can't do it, won't do it. No. Okay, so I just got so, I have to sing about it. I was so excited about this Creed cruise. We're all given a gift.

God gives us a gift. It's a crime not to share it. Jordan's is the gift of song. A gift. God gives us a gift. It's a crime not to share it. Jordan's is the gift of song. And I would say his second gift is probably techno wrangling.

Yeah. So here we go. Okay. Just want to remind you that this is not a Creed cruise. Yeah. Okay. Great. It's my good Creed song.

Yeah. This is not a Creed song. It's about the Creed cruise. Okay. It's about the cruise. This isn't about the band. It's not one of their songs. As you might guess. Is this a Scott Stapp solo? No, no. You got a puka shell

necklace and tribal tattoos. You peaked in the 90s and got nothing to lose. You hooked on Jesus but bloated from booze. Won't you let me take you on a Creed cruise? Ooh-wee, ooh-ated from booze. Won't you let me take you on a Creed cruise? Ooh-wee. Ooh-wee, baby.

Ooh-wee. Ooh-wee, baby. Ooh-wee. Ooh-wee, baby. Won't you let me take you on a Creed cruise? You want to get drunk and go down a water slide. Marriage broke up, but the important thing is you tried It is

It doesn't really matter That your wife took the kids You got a new pair of board shorts And a new hat from Lids You got shit in your pants And a mystery bruise Won't you let me take you on a creed cruise That was the song about the creed cruise

God What have you been up to, Jesse? Creed Cruz. That was the song about the Creed Cruz. God. What have you been up to, Jesse? Where did Jordan go and where did that incredible songbird come in? It was me the whole time. The funny thing is, I know there's an original to whatever that was, but the version I had was, Owie, seafood baby. Oh, you're probably remembering a jingle

take me down to fuck yeah that was Sea Cruise that is a 50s rock and roll song by

Scott Stapp Scott Stapp it's just funny because I mentioned the room temperature shellfish and I thought that was the

seafood song I'm like this is lining up perfectly I have a Scott Stapp question for you guys. Frankie Ford originally recorded that. I knew there'd be a manager of Lids in there. Here's my

question for you. You get a call from a pal. Not a great pal. Not a Chris Fairbanks. But somebody you like. I got tickets to see Scott Stapp doing the biggest hits of the rock and roll era it's of course the 1950s into the early 1960s so it's sort of like uh shanana type experience

but it's scott stapp right um and it's in like, I'm not going to say Oxnard. Let's just say like Long Beach. You know what I mean? So it's not like- You're spending an hour in the car. Yeah. It's going to take you a while to get there. You're not that familiar with the venue.

You're going to have to park and walk. Yeah. It's going to be kind of a production, but it won't be like awful when you get there. It won't be like gross or something. It'll be nice enough probably. You know, you get a Mai Tai or whatever. Yeah.

Are you going? Oh, it's a Wednesday night. It's on a Wednesday night. Yeah, I've done. You're describing a thing I've done. My buddies were in town for an apparel, screen printing, and embroidery convention in Long Beach. Performing at it was Sugar Ray. It was a weekday.

They asked me to go down. I said, God damn right. I was there before they hung up the phone. And it was the best act. I enjoyed it. That's the funny thing. Like, they do, you know, breezy, you know, not that early. Don't you mess with my green machine, the hard stuff. Right. They know people.

Don't mess with my green. Was it about them standing up against people who would keep them from cleaning urban sidewalks? They were like a hardcore type band before they started doing Island Vibes. I re-Island Vibes i re island right yeah having a toaster in every other song yeah um yeah i think sugar ray is similar to goo goo dolls who did kind of similar you know um kind of down the middle macy's friendly i'll turn a rock in the 90s yeah in the if you were in the know You liked to tell people like Oh they used to be a punk band Yeah yeah yeah

And then they had the one You know radio hit Can I ask you a question About the toasters In Sugar Ray Yeah These toasters Now when we say toasters

We're talking here about Reggae toasters Yes sure Yeah yeah yeah Like I just want to be clear For anybody at home Who's not familiar with the genre. Are these, like, are we talking about, like, they would bring in Super Cat?

Or are we talking about, like, it's just a guy they know from Long Beach? Great question. Can't answer that. I think the tradition in those instances was to bring in a known person to lend a little bit of credibility to it. From the Third Wave Ska? You're talking about The Toasters, right? No, I'm not. And they're a Second Wave Ska band, Chris.

I'm sorry. It's a wave string, asshole. R.I.P. your mentions. Those waves were pretty close together. They were in the third as well Keep those waves in time Yes, I mean they had a resurgence I got a resurgence

I like the toasters And so I'm back to not knowing what kind of toaster A toaster is, you know, it's like the rapper But less than, maybe a little less than a dance hall rapper. You know what I mean? Gotcha. Not quite an MC. A little short of that, but like a guy who's doing some talking on it.

Sure. Reggae talking. Reggae talking. Yeah. I hear you. Chris, I want to address something that I thought was very impressive. I helped Chris into the garage today. Yes.

I used my clicker to let him into the building. That is really good of you. Yeah, I waited outside patiently. I was good during this, too. I waited patiently. Well, people write to me a lot, and they say, Jordan seems like a real asshole on Jordan, Jessica. That's just my character.

It's like Andrew Dice Clay, you know? That's why we call him the Dice Man. That's right. Jordan. Always smoking over my head, talking about fucking cartoon characters. That's because of a shoulder injury that you had when you were a high school swimmer. I cannot smoke normally. I cannot smoke normally.

It would kill me to smoke normally. I have to smoke like this or I will die. You smoking is like a scene from Lethal Weapon where you actually have to pop your shoulder out of socket. Yeah. So we record in the evenings around 8pm and I guess if

you're driving in from somewhere dinner's going to be an issue. And maybe you're eating a little early, maybe you're grabbing something on the way. Chris grabbing something on the way Chris grabbed something on the way it was a salad and you were eating it out of your lap in the car oh my

god way to go holy shit lap salad I didn't want to this guy's snarfing a lap salad people die this way Chris the fork was aimed right at my face at any point I could have been impaled. And I announced it.

I knew it was hilarious. I'm like, I got a lap salad. Remember? I rolled down the window. I announced it again as I parked. Lap salad coming through. Lap salad sounds like something that a giggling 18-year-old would tell his dorm roommate is on Urban Dictionary. Oh, yeah, yeah.

And we should try it. Yeah. We're going to need a bottle of ranch dressing and some sliced cucumbers. It would be like an American pie knockoff. You haven't had the lap salad, bro? Yeah. That's really incredible. Yeah, I was amazed you were so committed to healthy choices.

I have a follow-up. I have a question. I have been lately. Did you get it from some sort of salad drive-thru? I got it. On the way here was on my Maps app looking for different drive-thrus. It's mostly fast food. So, no, I pulled over and got a salad.

I usually go to the Chez Panisse drive-thru. I would have been here right at 730, but I waited a long time for this salad. And they put the dressing on. I wanted it on the side. So you didn't just want to lapse. You wanted to dress the salad also in the car? This fucking guy committed. As I was driving, I'm in a little-

Fairbanks reaches into his glove box, opens it up, takes out salad tongs, starts tossing. Oil and vinegar, pepper grinder. Say when, me. Say when, me. No, I did apply the side of pepperoncinis that I packed and put a lid on and waited until I was driving to kind of sprinkle them on. You brought your own pepperoncinis. So I didn't do any tossing, but I did do some post-salad made assembling. I could see you were customizing it.

Yeah, yeah. As you drove. Yeah, I like a salad to be a little like me. Me? What? Yeah, I like a salad to be a little like me. Me? What?

I could see someone bringing their own pepperoncinis in the glove box to make Chicago-style hot dogs. They were sport peppers. I could see some guy going like, I always bring sport peppers and green relish or whatever it's called. And I don't even want to see that ketchup shit. Did you bring it in one of those little tiny Tupperwares? Yeah, I sure did. He found a use for the little tiny Tupperware. All the evidence is in my front seat. He's a fucking legend.

Yeah, thanks, man. Thanks. Yeah. What other kinds of healthy choices are you making? You mentioned that it's part of a trend. Right. Yeah, I did. This part's boring, but I did something called the Whole30 Diet.

And you have to learn how to cook very specific, bland things. And you have to eat pieces of shredded zucchini that they call noodles. And there's a list of things. I had to go to Whole Foods. But you can't eat most things. It's vegetables. And you're supposed to eat a lot of meat meat and I don't eat a lot of meat. So I was eating a lot of vegetables.

And you can't drink during it. So for a month I was like, oh, I've never done this, not drank. But that turned into me not – I haven't drank for five and a half months now. Wow. And my brain – and I'm like not a – I'm like would never say oh i'm sober now but i'm still doing it and i only see benefits my brain uh works better my bouts of anger you know how i used to get violent that's all gone i was on the receiving end of it many times yeah oh in canada i dove and we rolled down a hill while punching like an old Heathcliff animation. Just a cloud with fists.

A cloud of dusts and meows coming out of it. And then I pulled a fish skeleton, a whole fish skeleton out of your mouth. Chris, can I ask you a question? A lot of times you'll hear somebody who like uses hard drugs. Right. But they're going to lose their art if they stop using hard drugs. When you stop drinking, are you concerned you're going to lose your gift for comic mumbling? No, no.

You're probably the world's greatest comic mumbler. The funny thing is, yeah, I've noticed that I am speaking more concisely when I do stand-up. My jokes are more clear. I'm going back toisely when I do stand-up. Like, my jokes are more clear. I'm going back to more traditional joke-telling. I think the mumbling was something I couldn't control, and maybe every time I saw a video of me, I'm like, I didn't even finish that sentence. It turns out my stand-up is better if I finish the sentence.

Wow. And don't worry about the drugs. I have four little squares of acid in my wallet currently. Oh, great. One for you, one for Jesse, one for me, one for Brian out there. I'm not offering it. It's just what I have. Sounds like you were.

No backsies. Actually, it's a bad batch. It makes me cry. But, yeah, so I'm like, you know, they call it California sober. Whatever. I think alcohol was the issue. I had a fall down in my bathroom. I pulled down the you know, they call it California sober. Whatever. I think alcohol was the issue. I had a fall down in my bathroom.

I pulled down the shower curtain, hit my head, and then I was like, I think I'm not going to. That was like my little wake-up call. Yeah, that seems like too much. It's embarrassing. The next day, I was like, oh, my shower curtain. Oh, I remember when that happened. Oh, okay. Yeah. Well.

But I'm not fun at parties. Well, I went to a party. I went to your function last night. Yeah, you were great. i went to a party i went to your yeah last night co-op party get together and i i can if if i'm in a room with a bunch of group uh drunk people like uh i can act that's why i didn't expect i can hang well that's the thing i will hang isn't it's a lifelong non-drinker the problem is for me that i'm already that guy yeah so people can only see me with suspicion in that context right you've never been never been have you even tried it i mean i've had like us i've never been drunk i've never had more than you you know. Well, what about with power? Okay. Yeah.

And punch drunk. Sure, yeah. You're like April Richardson or Daniel Tosh in that way. Yeah. In that way. They've also, two people I know that have never been drunk, and I almost saw it suspiciously. But you should see Jesse Goof on NutShot videos. Yeah, Jess.0 is fantastically successful.

But, like, I think when you are as square as me generally, shot videos yeah just point out is it's fantastically successful but like i think when you are as square as me generally you have a reputation for being a square and then you're not drinking at a party right uh many people it's less so when you're in your 40s but when you're in your 20s many people are concerned that you're like wearing a wire yeah wearing a wire exactly like like uh secretly running some kind of thing or like uh uh you know uh being judging them and they should but i feel like at this point in your life a and b with your reputation as a fun guy, well-earned, not a concern. Yeah. And you're right. In your 40s, you expect anyone, a little bit in Montana, we had a show in a small town in Montana. They're like, a non-alcoholic what? Like they didn't even

know what, they didn't understand why I was even there. You're like a non-alcoholic seven up. Is that weird? Maybe I shouldn't be calling it that. Yeah. But yeah, it's, it's, I haven't gotten any judgment from it. I get congratulations all the time and I'm like, oh no, wait, I didn't. Then I start oversharing. It's not like I had a problem.

Well, you're like, I'm not saying it wasn't a problem. Like I'm doing it for a reason, but I wouldn't a reason but i wouldn't say like i did hit my head but yeah it's been but i think that the fact that i hit my head is impairing my judgment that's the cause it's not so much yeah yeah it was never the alcohol but yeah i all the head hitting i've mentioned this on the show a couple of times, but I feel like, you know, my friend group is going, people are, they're quitting drinking, but they're taking up mushrooms. Right. Yeah. Sure.

And I, you know, I want people to like me and I want to do what the group is doing. Right. But I'm scared. I'm scared of mushrooms. Are you? Don't be. It's even especially the little uh micro dosing of them you'll just find that oh man i had a great day i was in a good mood and for days i did ketamine at

some edm festival just so i could deal with the music sure and you gotta do something uh and it was the kind you snort and i don't want to sound like a bad guy. I've never done that before. I was, my brain, I was in a good mood for like three weeks. And this was before I learned that there is ketamine therapy. Wow, three. Yes. It was like. I'd love to be in a good mood for three weeks.

Yeah. Almost a month. Yeah. Maybe it was like, maybe it was a month. Wow. Yeah. I'd love to be in a good mood for three anything. Yeah. Three units. And it's not like you're high and in a ridiculous. Wow. Yeah. I'd love to be in a good mood for three anything. Yeah. Three units.

And it's not like you're high and in a ridiculous good mood where people would be like, why is this guy so annoying and hugging me all the time? I just noticed there was no evil places. What could I snort, for example, to be in a good mood for three bites of sandwich?

Like three good, well-chewed sandwich bites. That's what you do. You have a little dish of pepperoncinis. You chop them up real fine. And you squeeze some juice in your eye. No, that wouldn't work. I mean, Jordan, you don't need to be worried about it. Look, I've never taken mushrooms myself, but someone close to me,

But someone close to me, let's call her Arisa Tay, had a really nice chat with Jesus where he said she was doing a good job. I don't want that. I don't want. You don't want him to tell you you're doing a good job? No, I don't want him to tell me anything. Yeah, it was. I want him to remain a mystery. Remember I was kind of annoying at the last MaxFunCon where I had everyone lying on their backs looking at the stars and you just wanted to sleep. And I'm like, Jordan, you got to see these stars.

No, that was fun. I did want to go to sleep, but I liked that it was happening. It was. And during that show, something I don't recommend or endorse, but I brought a bag of mushrooms with me and I ate a lot of them before that show. And I felt like stand-up was very fun. You can do stand-up while you do it? I would have had anxiety about Blaine Kapach's son being in the front row, but not on mushrooms.

I just played to him, and it was a blast. Blaine Kapach's son is cool. He gets it. Yeah, he is a cool kid. Junior Kapach gets it. Yeah, yeah. I do want to – I think people at home can't see us, and so they're missing a gestural element.

I would like to suggest that Chris Fairbanks, when he said, brought a bag of mushrooms and ate a bunch, it was the kind of like gesture that you would make if you were reaching into a bowl of almonds and then indicating that you had ate a shit ton of almonds. Like a claw shape. I was palming a basketball and doing a no look see behind the back shot. And it was a switch. But it looks a lot like the candy grab. That's how you won that game of horse.

Yeah. My therapist said she knows a shaman who will give you mushrooms and take you on a guided journey to improve your mental health. Well, then you should just go all the way and do an ayahuasca ceremony. Well, this is the thing. That's therapeutic. She's telling me about it. She's like, I'll give you his number, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I can't endorse this.

Wait, you're giving me his number? me as nice like don't call the number if you're like resist calling the number and then she goes this is a test then she goes oh didn't you tell me one time about your dad having drug-induced psychosis and i was like yeah and she goes yeah, yeah, so, yeah. Sure. I'm not going to take the number back, but probably not a good idea. I was like, okay, fair enough. Or like you're susceptible to, I don't know what a K-hole is. You don't know whether you are, but you're more likely to if somebody in your family did. You don't want to get clogged in the verve pipe.

Yeah. I didn't ever, yeah, I don't want to sound, I've always been scared of anything. Weed makes me paranoid. I worry about my breathing. I feel like I need to check my bank account, call my mom. Back when I felt that way, I had a mom. And not to bum us out, people die. The point is uh used to be

scared your mom to be fair yeah your mom should not have taken that many right right that's like this is well listen you're at an edm festival it's kind of annoying oh chris i was at a festival. Someone's like, she was in the room. I thought I had headed to the drum and bass tent, but it was a happy hardcore tent. Where did you get audio of my mom practice it? You know I can't stand that shit, Christopher. It's starting to weird me out how exactly this. Okay.

Wow. I bought tickets for the wrong weekend. I thought it was OzFest. I'm known as the rich little of people's mom. Dugale, Dugale. It's me, Jordan's mom. Oh, my God. She's always calling herself Jordan's mom.

I'm introducing myself to Christopher. Wow. I only know him through his mother. We go to EDM festivals together. We both hate it. Well, we like drum and bass. We just don't like happy hardcore. Yeah.

I like techno, like Detroit techno, like hard techno. Ghetto tech I like. She goes into the specifics. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, the point is I do do those drugs now for therapeutic reasons in small doses because I've found that they do. I'm not like one of these people that does drugs. But I've been doing them. I want to do those drugs with a guy.

drugs with a guy like the the thing that i want it's like hodgman used to have uh uh hodgman used to have a bit in his act about how excited he was when uh marijuana became a pill you can take oh yeah yeah sure like just in general just the general idea idea that it comes in a discreet. I agree. I don't like the smoking of weed. And like to me, the prospect of like – I mean when I started using marijuana years ago before I was the king of drugs, as I became the king of drugs. Like what I wanted desperately was for some actual doctor to actually tell me how it might actually not a guy in a strip mall next to a plastic skeleton that he hung on the wall to make it look a little bit like a doctor's office and like i i missed those guys i missed that era of weed that was so fun going into the bullshit strip mall doctor's office if i. If I could get one real doctor to tell me to take mushrooms and that it would be fine, I'd be like, yes, sir. Yes, ma'am, I'd say.

I think the bad rap drugs had for me. We always did too much. I smoked too much weed. If you do a little bit of everything, it's therapeutic. But the thing that really pulled me over the edge in becoming open to drugs is my dad, who's 79 now. He's had headaches his whole life and has gotten shots and taken Excedrin, which ate holes in his stomach. He has almost died from trying to cure these headaches. And he always has one. He always has some form of headache. I these headaches. And he always has one. He always has some form of headache. I'm familiar. They never figured it out. The only thing that alleviates it

is him going down to his garage and smoking out of a big Hunter's Orange bong. And it is strong ass weed. And it's just so funny. My dad's a pretty straight government job guy. And in his retirement, for the first time ever in his life, became a weed guy. God, I wish I had. And it has changed his life. It's made him better. I so wish that it had done that for me. It's all I wish in the world. You got that nice government job.

You're a headache guy? I got that nice government job. I mean, I got to enjoy using marijuana, which does feel nice. You're a headache guy. Oh, yeah, big time. Always. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Since you were like 21?

Chronic migraineur since I was 10. Migraines, okay. Yeah. But like if I have a headache, makes it worse. Yeah. If I don't have a headache, sometimes I wake up the next morning with one. Yeah, I can see that. Migraines are different, and everyone assumes my dad has migraines,

including the doctors. But he just has a steady, mild, always headache that can get really bad, so he's just always taking stuff. I'm familiar. Concerned about the opioid crisis, as he pronounces it. I think that's right. Opioid. Opioid.

So, yeah. If he takes an opioid, does it make the – because they gave me codeine when I was a kid because they got many more medications now than they did then. But one of the things that they would give you was like painkillers before and never did anything. Oh, really? Yeah. It just makes your legs itch? Well, I mean – Because that's what I – I got my hip replaced and then I just had itchy legs.

I'm like, forget, I'd rather be in pain than kicking like a cricket all night. So yeah, yeah. I think my dad does. It's a combination. They gave you some cricket kicker. Yeah, yeah. Just, yeah. That sounds like something they would give you in Montana when they were mad that you

were drinking at the bar. Yeah. Here, I'll get some cricket kicker and wash it up with a sarsaparilla. Guys, my legs are itchy. Do you mind if we take a quick break and come back in just a minute? Let's itch our legs. We'll be back in just a second. Can I itch yours, Jordan?

Yeah. Come on. Get over here. Come on. it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective we're coming to london england if you're listening to this within driving or training distance of, or hey, why not take what you fun folks call a lorry to London, England to see us at the London Podcast Festival, September 14th. Make a weekend of it. Go see Judge John Hodgman as well. It's going to be a great time. Maximumfun.org slash events is where all the information is.

Sarah Morgan's going to be on there, right? Yeah. We're going to have a cavalcade of celebrity guests. But I would say, I'm going to just go ahead and say, most importantly, our buddy Sarah Morgan, the great, the hilarious. She's going to join us on stage. And, yeah, we're going to be talking about some of the other stuff we have planned in the coming weeks. But, you know, don't wait for that. Just go get those ticks.

Maximumfun.org slash events. Also, no matter where you are in this great world, I might be coming nearby you with Judge John Hodgman. So go to Maximumfun.org slash events because we're doing a lot of places in the Northeast and the Midwest that we have done before, but also a lot we haven't done before. And we're also doing Edinburgh, Dublin, Belfast, and Copenhagen. So if you live in one of those places, I really need you to get... I don't care if you've never listened to Judge Sean Hodgman before. Come, you'll have a good time. I'll sing. It's going to be great. Go to MaximumFun.org slash events. Lexington, Kentucky, we've never been there before. Do we have fans there? I don't know. But if you live there,

are you doing something better that night? Probably not. Just going to stay home and watch TV otherwise. So come to Judge John Hodgman, MaximumFun.org slash events. Of course, every episode of Jordan, Jesse Go is supported by the members of Maximum Fun. We thank those members. A tip of the cap to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. This week, we are also supported by Lumi Labs. Lumi Labs, of course, are the microdose people. Yes. Ever tried microdosing?

Visit Microdose.com and use JJ Go Go for 30% off plus free shipping. Here's what microdosing is in this context. LumiLabs makes these great gummies that give entry-level doses of THC that help you feel just the right amount of good. I love these things. They're tasty. They don't zonk you out like other edibles. Jesse, you'll pop a Lumi Labs every now and then, right?

Why not? You want to enjoy watching Smokey and the Bandit 3 as we just did? Yeah. I totally used a Lumi Lab before we watched Smokey and the Bandit 3. Go ahead and pop one of these micro-dose gummies. They taste great. And you get really good control of your dosing of the THC and CBD so that you feel just the right amount of good and just the right amount of functional and et cetera. Whether it's you want to relax at night, you want to watch Smokey and the Bandit 3, you want to feel your genitals more, whatever it is.

A lot of uses, a lot of different uses. Yeah, you know, new, hey, new episodes of Stash Rules, everything around me coming soon to your bonus feed. But yeah, Loomy Labs, great for watching a flick, great for chilling out, great for doing a flick, great for chilling out, great for doing a little creative work. They're awesome. If you need a little more, pop another one.

You can get some of their stronger dose gummies. They got it all there at their site. Microdose is available nationwide. To learn more about microdosing THC, go to microdose.com and use code JJGO to get free shipping and 30% off your first order. Links can be found in the show description, but again, that is microdose.com, code JJGO. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, by the way, maximumfund.org slash jumbotron will share your message with the world. For a surprisingly small amount of money.

We work cheap. If you listen to the show, we work cheap. If you don't listen to the show, you're out of luck. Oh, no, I'll still work cheap. I don't care what you listen to. Are you making, like, custom podcasts for people? Yeah, whatever. You're my favorite murderer fan.

Do you just pretend to be Karen Kilgareff in custom podcasts? Listen, we all got to make ends meet somehow. Okay. Maximumfun.org. There's a labor crisis. You're listening to this show now, so you're probably a listener. Maximumfun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, So we accidentally got into Chris Fairbanks' origin story before we – while we were in the break, which neither of us knew.

I mean, like, my assumption always – look, I consider you a friend, Chris. We've known each other a long time now. Yes. But the two of you, like, worked together for years, including a lot of times on the road, doing Fuel TV stuff. Yeah, that's fun. And an action-packed job full of hard-living nutso's. And so I just assume that you know every secret about each other forever and you just started rolling out the fucking craziest origin story i've ever heard in my life as though it was nor a normal way to have gotten into it is a weird way to i uh

yeah so my friends and i we pretty much we were just skateboarding and drinking 40s and and uh i had no prospects about doing stand-up is this in montana in montana yeah and i'd finished college and uh just was living with i think seven friends in a house that uh used to be for nuns i think it was a nunnery so uh okay yeah yeah there's a swimming in missoula it was in missoula i mean once you're in missoula Yeah, yeah, there was a swimming pool. Was this in Missoula? It was in Missoula. I mean, once you're in Missoula, look, on the one hand, maybe you're the kind of guy that wants to move to New York or whatever.

If not, you're just like, wow, get a load of this. Yeah. Holy shit. Most of my friends have stayed there. And when I go back, I'm like, oh, I could have done this, and I would have been happy in there. I envy their lives. But part of me wants to be have done this and I would have been happy in there. I envy their lives. But part of me wants to be in New York.

I never did move to New York. I mean, not a place for a striver necessarily, but man, is it nice. It is nice. So we'd go out in like a group of 10 usually, me and my friends, which is intimidating. And we were at a party after the bars, I think. Let me ask you this. Do you guys have goofy nicknames? No, I always wanted one.

Just call me Chris. Mayor McCheese. Just call me Mayor McCheese. I can't believe you guessed it. But I just wanted a little one. CJ. Mayor Mac. You can't start your own.

The other Chris's, Chris Bacon was called Bacon. The other Chris Lamb was called Slammer. I'm just Chris. You know what? You start wanting it and all of a sudden fucking Nick Adams is calling you thorny every time you talk to him. Yeah, yeah. Thorny. Come on.

Yeah, I don't want. Nick, you're a professional comedian and comedy writer. You can do better than thorny. A handful of people call me Fairby and I'm okay with i'm okay with that fairby's pretty fun i like fairby yeah so we were at a party we got kicked out because i i was trying on her shoes like this this girl that uh had high heel shoes and i was trying on her clothes and then i broke a lamp we were drunk we got kicked out but then you were any lamp related drunken activity feels like it should be done by jack lemon like i and i go to lemon for the classics and of course

i started with the shade on my head yeah that's a good way to let everyone know you're drunk yeah i can't just do a funny dance you have to have a lampshade on your head. But she actually kicked us out. And then this was at a time where she put an ad in the personal section of our local independent paper. And my mom found it. My mom found another one when a girl, hey, you have leopard hair. I had dyed my hair like a leopard. And she's like, this girl wants to meet you. You're the only guy in town with leopard hair. I had dyed my hair like a leopard and she's like, this girl wants to meet you. You're the only guy in town with leopard hair. My mom... You're like, no,

no, no. You haven't been down to the leopard clubhouse in Missoula. I like that your mom was reading the alternative weekly. I like that she... I'm afraid she was looking for herself. I think there was dating personals and stuff, but she found one for me. She's like, hey, I kicked you out of a

party. Do you want to start doing improv comedy? Before I kicked you out, I noticed you were very funny. So I called this number. You were like, I'm trying on your shoes, and I'm trying on your clothes, and I'm breaking your lamp. Yeah, I guess I ended a lot of bad things that night. We locked eyes across the subway platform. You were breaking my lamp.

I was kicking you out of my apartment. Do you want to start a group together for five years? And I didn't even know what improv comedy was, and she just said, you know, like, whose line is it anyway? This is on the phone. And then I met with her, and there was a math teacher that wanted to do improv.

It was a real ragtag group. Where do you do improv in Missoula? We did it at a couple bars, and I didn't realize how good we had it. We'd get 500 bucks a week for the time. That's more than anyone has ever made doing improv, other than the cast members of Whose Line Is It Anyways. And maybe those people that move to Amsterdam

and do it... Oh, Boom Chicago, yeah. They probably get the 500 a week, right? Yeah. Wow. Five. There's some French clown groups in Montreal that have raked it in. There's only a handful. And without Eva Gilliam was her name, without her

kicking me out of her apartment and then asking me to start doing improv. I don't think I ever would have. You guys were just traveling from bar to bar getting $500 like some kind of improv Patrick Swayze. Yeah. Like a roadhouse of improv. We did a lot. People would be, well, you're going to have to bring in these guys.

They're expensive, but they're worth it. Yeah, well, you're going to have to bring in these guys. They're expensive, but they're worth it. Yeah, we'll clean it up. Sam Elliott comes in behind you. During a scene, I'd see it. That guy's knife turns,

his boot has a knife in the toe. We do a lot of house cleaning during, while improv-ing. We were bouncers. Can I, Jordan, you're a Roadhouse guy, right?

Yeah, you like those. Since way back? We do. Okay. I had never seen Roadhouse. When I got a stationary bicycle, I had to watch things on my stationary bicycle. It comes with the stationery.

Yeah. I didn't want to- We preloaded five movies into this. Yeah. It's a Peloton Swayze edition. Right. He signed it. Yeah.

Peloton Swayze. Someone write that down. I'm changing it to- You know what? Title of the episode. Let's say it. Peloton colon Swayze. Someone write that down. I'm changing it to a... You know what? Title of the episode. Let's say it. Peloton colon Swayze edition. So I've been looking for things that I would enjoy watching

that wouldn't make me sad or need me to... And I had never seen Roadhouse before. And I was like, oh, I should probably watch Roadhouse. That's probably like that. No one prepared me for... and I was like, oh, I should probably watch Roadhouse. That's probably like that. No one prepared me for, like, I think the first two-thirds of the movie were roughly what I thought they were going to be. Yeah.

Which is a sort of preposterous but charming, amiable film on this silly premise of this guy. Like, everyone always says, like, the premise is that he's a famous bouncer. It's up there with cocktail as far as... Right. The most famous cocktail mixer.

Yeah. And you're like, and that's fine. Who reads poetry. Yeah. And everyone in the bar stops to listen to this guy's poem. 80s coke head writing. But like, you know, it's very pleasant. You know what I mean?

It's like a pleasant, it was roughly what I thought it would be. It was maybe like the good version of what it, like I wasn't 100% sure how ironic people's appreciation of it was. But it doesn't seem to be because it certainly didn't strike me as ironically appreciable other than that premise. And then in the last, like, half hour of it, it becomes, like, the most insane. He rips a guy's throat out at the fucking end of the second act. You're like, what the fuck?

Right. Yeah. And it's maybe because they just hired this effects guy that was good at- That was just his thing. He just put tracheas into everything. I've been loving that. I think it's a very well-made show, the movies that made us, the RoboCop. But then they have Ghostbusters.

It's just the strife on set, the budget they had to work with, the executive assholes, they interview them that were like, it's so fun to watch, but the action movies, like it's crazy to see how much of it is, oh, my friend does special effects, so all of a sudden that's part of the movie, a gory. Right. I don't think RoboCop was, I think RoboCop,

they did want to make a gory movie, so that's a bad example. Well, RoboCop also, that's another movie that I only saw as an adult. Yeah. And I'm, like, when I say as an adult, I only saw RoboCop for the first time two years ago. I had never seen it as a kid or, you know, I think most people saw it when they were nine or whatever. I think RoboCop 2 was maybe the first R-rated movie I saw in a theater.

I think my dad took me to it. I think I was 10 or something. RoboCop is one of the most bleak, brutal movies I've ever seen in my life. It is. I understand that it's a satire and well but like the level in the beginning when they're sick brutality the dad when read from 70s show the 70s show dad is just eenie meenie minie moe blowing off his hand blow off his head and they fly Bobby yeah it is insane that how gory that is.

It's funny because there's bonkers. It was almost rated X. That's part of the movies that made us thing. We live in a golden age of bonkers action films. There's some truly insane things on screen. That was a time when a really regular movie would have a borderline psychopathic level of commitment to just, like, grim violence. Like, not even, like, not silly violence. Just, like, you're just, like, I think it was 48 hours or something I watched.

It just has a long torture scene. Yeah. It's like maybe like the 80s was kind of like, you still have that 70s thing of like, oh, this is about how fucked up humanity is. These are all taxi driver in a weird way. And now we're like to the Fast and Furious movies that don't make you feel anything other than like, ha ha, the car shouldn't be doing that, but it's doing that. No one's ever been like upset by a Fast and Furious movie. But yeah, those movies, I guess, they were aspiring to some sort of pretty fucked up, right? This is what society does.

The thing that caught me by surprise, to put a bow on Jesse's feelings about Roadhouse, which overall I really enjoyed and anybody who's like me and made it 40 years without watching Roadhouse should totally watch it because it's a blast. Yeah. It's just he really does, at the end of the second act, rip a guy's throat out. Right. And then his girlfriend, Kelly Slater, who's not good at acting, is a doctor. And she's terrified. How could I have fallen in love with a man who could rip another man's throat out?

And then later she's still in love with him. Yeah. And you're like, no, ma'am, you saw him holding a throat in his hand. It's also, yeah, that movie that's like, we knew a throat guy, so we put in a throat scene. But also, we have a friend with a monster truck. So at the end, there's just a monster truck. Oh, yeah.

I did enjoy that. I enjoyed everything about the presence of that monster truck. Last night, I had never, my sister always said it was one of her favorite movies, but I cannot believe it has the actors in it and was made in the mid-'90s. But Tu Wong Fu... Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar.

Yeah. Which I haven't seen. I'm a big Priscilla nut, but... And I just wanted to watch it to see how off they were when it comes to the way they're talking about trans people. I'm like, oh, this is going to be... It's pretty... Anyone could watch it today, and the fact that

Wesley Snipes and... John Leguizamo and Patrick Swayze. Yeah, Leguizamo, he's always a hard pill for me to swallow. He's really... There's a lot of him. He's kind of annoying. You're not a pest man. I'm not. You and I have talked about the pest.

I don't like him as a villain in... Spawn. Spawn, thank you. You're nuts about the Super Mario Brothers movies. No, that's the peak of my anger. I'll tell you this. I like an older Leguizamo. I like Ozark Leguizamo or whatever.

I thought I was going to have that experience. I rewatched Priscilla, Queen of the Desert recently as well, which I watched when I was a teen or whatever and loved. Yeah. There is a very racist character in it. Right. I expected people to be very homophobic, violent, and then have to be like,

now I'm Patrick Swayze in fighting. It was very good. You have straight and all cis leads. Yeah. I think they're all straight. It wouldn't happen now. But they're definitely all cis. However, that I was astonished at how beautiful.

One of the characters in Priscilla is trans. The other two are just drag queens, but Terrence Stamp's character is trans. And it is so lovely. I was like, oh. And certainly I'm glad that all these years later we can advocate for trans people playing trans characters and so forth but I was like other than this mail order bride character that is

very bad but is only in a couple of scenes like I was like oh way to go 30 years ago me too that's how I felt with this and I like that Wesley Snipes and Swayze became these characters. They were into it. They weren't being cartoonish.

I thought they'd be acting cartoonish and even I would be offended by that. Hank, is there a birdcage? Maybe that's what we're thinking about. Not even at that level. No, they became much like when I watch the new Kids in the Hall and I'm like, oh, I don't know if they can get away with what they used to, but they become these women that they are acting. They're just good actors. That's what, and I think it's the best thing I've ever seen.

Wesley Snipes do. And he's like, even better than demolition, man. Yeah. It's crazy. Cause they're the action guys and they really nail this. But I,

maybe I was in the right mood and you know how I'm on drugs constantly lately. But yeah, they were- Yeah, I hear you're going to give everybody some of the acid in your wallet. Yeah, yeah. I've heard that. I think I heard that. We want to cry too, Chris. I just dropped it in there.

It's a little square. Okay. Guys, it's summertime. Yeah. That means we're asking our listeners to call us with their summer boy activities. Every summer, of course, we pay tribute to George the Time, a person who was driving Jordan to the airport, said he looked like a real summer boy, through a celebration of the spirit of being a summer boy, a genderless seasonal festival.

Okay. Of behaviors and activities. Does that seem about right? Press play, Brian. Scott Stapp couldn't have said it better. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and special guest Ben Harrison. This is Steven in Pennsylvania calling with

a summer boy activity report. I just ran a naked 5K. I am not a runner, so I came in at a blistering 45 minutes now i'm gonna go soak in a hot tub with people who are twice as old twice as fast and have five percent of the body hair i do love you guys and now i can say with total certainty now pussy still good yeah pussy still good is our slogan for 2023. Just fucking just doing it. I thought he was going to say, I did a naked 5K.

I am not a runner and I have never been nude. I wish. I like that a middle-aged person. I know, I mean, I think we all know a 60-year-old exerciser. You know these wiryy deeply tanned people um that like one of these people is so committed to their 5k that they like uh shave down and grease up like michael phelps or something yeah yeah i uh i've I'm not, it's the naked part that would, and I like being naked. I've gotten naked

when you're not supposed to be naked. I've got, I've- Well, what are some examples? I've gone into a bar naked and tried to open a beer, order a beer. I didn't get to opening it. They ushered me out,

but you're not supposed to be naked. The minute you go to a nude beach, like I went to a nude beach in Hawaii and it was a bunch of older folk. And the first thing I saw was a guy surfing and he had a cartoonishly long penis flopping around as he was, he was like, they're

all. I think if you have the cartoonishly large floppy penis you're more inclined to become a nude surfer. You're like, you know what's great? He should have been in the foreground though. It was a cartoonish enough penis that he shouldn't have been back in the waves. I feel like if I was at a nude beach in Hawaii and I had a cartoonishly long floppy penis, I would be doing beach movie stuff, like the Watusi.

Oh, he was dancing while surfing. Oh, okay. He had some Egyptian dance, and he was really playing it up, so it would flop. Got it. Okay, great. And then he had a little fight with the Joker and you could see the Joker's mustache on the face paint. All in a Dutch angle.

But I got really shy. I wouldn't get naked. Have you guys seen Frankie Avalon's cartoonishly long floppy penis? Thing's incredible. Annette was a lucky gal. If they were married,

maybe they were brother and sister. I'm not sure. Can't remember. It's been a while since I've seen one of those. Is what I said awful? I just wonder that that 5K has to be nudist type people. Sounds like it. Because I didn't get naked. I just wonder that that 5K has to be like nudist type people. Like they're-

Sounds like it. Because I didn't get naked. The girls I was with are friends from Montana. They got naked right away. And I'm like, I don't- I'm just- I wasn't presentation ready, even at a doctor. I like to get ready to be naked, if you know what I mean.

But anyway. Here's my concern about the 5k here yeah obviously chafing if it was me if it was me doing the 5k my first concern would be my just general cardiovascular health like i'd get winded that would be my for jordan's an athlete this guy's swimming up and down the mighty mississip with his friends from the burbank swim club but another oh the rio grande yeah more tame rivers no not the missouri maybe the missouri okay so the kern um beautiful river uh so uh my favorite beat that was my first so here but here's the thing so here's my okay this is my concern i don't look i don't have a cartoonishly long floppy penis i have a

very medium penis right and i don't think i've always worn supportive underwear right i don't think things are unusually floppy down there okay right i feel like the flopping seems borderline dangerous to me i feel like i would clip something i feel like i would i would get a i would bruise right i would and chafing sure but you can put that like running you know running butter or whatever it's called on. Yeah, that would be my man because I just need some sunscreen. But you can't open up the back of Runner's World and find an anti-flopping cream. Yeah. Mine is floppy and long, but very lightweight.

Right. I've always liked that about my penis. Like a bird skeleton. Yeah, it's hollow. Yeah. weight right i've always liked that about my penis like a bird skeleton yeah it's hollow yeah it's yeah it's bird i'm very bird boned when it comes to yeah it's more of a it's more like one of those kind of clown balloons than it is like a water snake situation yeah my penis is roughly the toy water snake you know the one that glubs around you know oh now yeah yeah okay get one of those at the museum gift shop for some reason

it's educational i guess it's science you have to fuck with water snakes could be poisonous wait can you wear shoes i have so many more questions i don't i can't run barefoot so you're suggesting that maybe they don't wear shoes i wouldn't that i guess you're not nude if you're wearing shoes seems like these are some fucking poser nudists. Yeah. When we went to this beach in Hawaii, I'll never forget the oldest guy. He was like the leader. He's like, so what brought you to our little-

He was holding the conch. Yeah, he just had a flowery headdress. And he said, what brought you to our little spot? And he put his leg up on a rock just so I was eye to eye with his. He really was. He's presenting. He was really peacocking. Yeah.

And right in my face. Turned around, bent over, bright red and blue ass. I know what you're doing, sir. And then, yeah. Sir, are you a mandrill? Sir, are you a mandrill? I see mandrill. Sir, are you a mandrill? Guilty as charged. We'll be back in just a second

on Jordan and Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Hey there beautiful people. I'm Jarrett Hill. And I'm Trayvon Anderson. And we want to know, have you ever had mixed feelings about the things that you love? Ooh mixed feelings About the things that you love?

Ooh, maybe about the things that you hate? Then Fanta is the show for you Fanta is the podcast for all those Complex and complicato conversations About the gray areas in our lives You might have conflicting feelings About Kamala Harris Or propaganda

Or interracial friending Mm-hmm That's alright Because we do too And we get into it every single Thursday. Catch this late-worthy audio at MaximumFun.org. That's MaximumFun.org slash Fanti. That's F-A-N-T-I.

Come get all this good good. Or this great great. You there! Have you considered listening to the Beef and Dairy Network, an award-winning comedy show in the form of a newsletter podcast for the beef and dairy industries? Well, maybe you should. And why don't you try our most recent episode, Episode 99, which features American man Paul F. Tompkins playing Queen Elizabeth II's former personal beef sommelier.

I would sleep in my clothes, in my uniform. It's not dissimilar to the uniform of the beef eaters, the guards you see at the Tower of London, who are obviously misnamed. None of them eat beef. They exclusively eat raven meat. That's the Beef and Dairy Network. I did ask the Queen if she would execute my brother.

Find the show at MaximumFun.org. I hope there's beef in heaven. Find the show at MaximumFun.org. I hope there's beef in heaven. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Moore's boy detective. Chris Fairbanks, today's guest.

Well, Chris Fairbanks, it is always a joy to talk to you. And, you know, I think there's a lot of Jordan, Jesse Goh listeners out there who are big Chris Fairbanks fans. I hope that they listen to your podcast with the great Karen Kilgariff. Do you need a ride? I think there has been some crossover and I thank you all for that. Yeah, I think so too. Yeah. I think if you're a Jordan Jesse Go fan, you're a Chris Fairbanks fan, unless you're a fucking asshole.

Right. Well, we came way later. So you know what? I take that. I take that back. If anybody doesn't like Chris Fairbanks, I'm on your side, not on Fairbanks' side. Right, right. We can't afford to lose fans over fucking Fairbanks.

We need each and every one of you. We're not getting anyone new. I'm not for everyone. You guys are for everyone. Chris Fairbanks. You're for me, Chris. We're down the middle, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

You're for me. Listen, I think that Creed Crew song, that's a four-quadrant song parody. Everyone, you know, that's a Barbie movie is what that is. Everybody can like that. I'll tell you this, though. He's one of the first one-octave singers. Did you know that? I don't know.

I just thought that sounded funny. Chris, I got to tell you this. I've always been a big fan of your stand-up. I'm going to have to see this new less mumbling version because I'm not as confident. I'm going to have to see this new less mumbling version because I'm not as confident. I'm worried that without your signature mumbles, without you mumbling instead of saying the punchline. I call back to it. There are some mumbles.

There's some incoherence. There are times when I've seen you do 10-minute versions of one joke where you just mumble and backtrack for most of it. That's some of my favorite stand-up comedy ever. I think I'd surprise myself. I bet I still do have some. But people, the climate's changed. You've got to tell more stories. People want to know about you. Now I'm worried that Andy Kindler's stand-up isn't just him complaining about the one joke he did in his entire set.

I need to see. Kindler, if you're listening, we all want to watch you do stand-up. Yeah, everybody wants to watch. Look, we're tired of, we've seen every episode of The Wizards of Waverly Place. Is that with me on The Wizards of Waverly Place? I think he was.

Chris, yes, do you need a ride? Super hilarious, you're hilarious, Karen's hilarious. And you're returning to the original premise. Yes. You guys had to pivot to Zoom. Right. But now you're back driving around Burbank doing the podcast. Yeah, yeah.

Not necessarily going to airports yet, but we are willing to go to the Burbank airport. But yeah, the whole, I didn't realize how much I was missing. But yeah, the whole, I didn't realize how much I was missing. And I appreciate now, when a guest is in the backseat, looking just at the back of your head, I think most people are more open and free to be silly and say things without thinking when they're not looking at your face. When I was young, and I remember first dealing with adults in time. Like, do I look at both eyes or one eye? Oh, I have to look away. To be clear, the premise of your show is that you and Karen are giving the guest a ride somewhere. Right. And it's literal.

And we record in the car and we usually just pick them up and drive around their neighborhood. And it's not just that topics come up because a bird scooter will roll across our hood or whatever. That hasn't happened yet. Weird example. But things – Birds don't even ride scooters yet. Yeah. The owls are.

Often conversation is swiped by something happening, a bad driver or something. And I forgot we relied on that because now we have that to fall back on. But I like how people act in the back seat. They never see our faces. I just realized how different that is for a podcast. After doing it over Zoom, I realized people are loose and silly when they're not looking at another person's face. Like you are in a, you know, when you're on a phone and you talk to someone forever or

you're on a road trip and everyone can't stop talking. Easier to be intimate, too. I mean, it's like there's a reason that parents always have difficult conversations with their kids when they're driving them to school. Right. And why people, a lot of their first time having sex was that old time drive-in movie. Yeah, absolutely. Or up at the point. Yes, you gotta

go to Lover's Bluff. Can you endure? Or in SeaWorld after it closed. Just me? Jordan loves some blowhole. That's true. Chris. Not with a whale. Oh, sorry. It was with a woman named Blowhole. Oh, yes, yes.

Sabrina Blowhole. Chris, I haven't been on Do You Need a Ride yet. Yeah? But I was thinking of heading up to the point on Saturday night. I don't know if you guys. Well, would you care to have a lift there? I say the thing wrong. My own thing I say it wrong.

Oh, jeez. My own thing I speak it wrong. My own thing I speak it wrong. It was supposed to be, do you need a ride there? Thanks for listening to Jesse and Jordan say things? We're all forgetting our podcast names. Our theme

music is Love You by The Free Design courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez back on the boards this week, filling in for Matt Lieb. Nice to see Brian, our producer emeritus, Matt Lieb, our regular producer, cutting this week's show.

Are there any other things about our show? Well, I don't remember. Be sure to listen to Jesse's other show, Middle of a Dartboard? Jim John Hodgman? We'll talk to you. Oh, these aren't the names.

We'll talk to you. You guys are full of horse feathers. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, Go. I'll hug you and kiss you and love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

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